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Speaker 2Screw Up Your Kids podcast. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. This is episode 52 and today I want to talk about how can we help our children succeed at school and become independent learners. Now, you might find this episode useful. If you have a teen who's studying for some big exams, but also you'll find it really useful for children about owning their schoolwork or their success at school that is beyond simply the academics. We're not just going to be talking about academic things because actually succeeding at school, it's about their social relationships, their confidence at school. So, let's not get too focused on just the academics. We will cover that, but we are looking at their success across a whole broad range. So, let's get started. So, it's whether it's homework, reading, being curious, building strong friendships and having a desire to learn. Now, I'm going to split this episode into two very distinct sections. The first is some sort of background and context stuff, which I think is really important. And then the second part is the sort of practical hands-on day-to-day because we need the background and the context to be in place for the practical day-to-day stuff to actually work. So, let's dive straight in. So, for the background, the first thing that we must, must remember is that we are raising an adult and all our actions should be positioned and all of our actions need to come from that perspective of the adult that we want to raise rather than the child we have at that time. And I think that's important because we have to remember that we're playing a long game here. We're raising children to become adults. We're raising children to become adults who succeed outside of the home environment and away from a school and academic environment. So, by doing that and reminding ourselves and drawing ourselves back to that constantly is that we don't then get too caught up on short-term wins or losses because we're focusing in the long game, the end goal, which is this adult. So, it's just having that in the background, particularly sometimes where we, our child has had some, a monumental, a monumental setback, a huge failure. Something's gone completely wrong. Yes, obviously we need to unpick it and work out what they're going to do differently and we'll talk about that. But it's, what is really important is that we see it as that one thing rather than it determining everything because we're working towards that long game. It's one setback. What can we learn? What can we do differently? But let's keep remembering that we're raising these adults. So, that's the first thing in terms of context and background that we need to remind ourselves of and be really, really aware. The second background and context is on focusing on the process and not the outcome. This is very much in keeping with what we've talked about before in terms of growth mindset rather than a fixed mindset. But we must remember it is if we can teach and encourage our children to get the process right, to get the effort right, to be doing the right things, the outcome, the end result will eventually get there. Now, for some children, that doesn't take very long. For others, it's a long trial and error. So, let's keep focusing in on the process and not the outcome because that will give us the greatest result. And what we need to think about is some of the subtle things that we might do that whilst we are consciously maybe trying to do all the right things by praising process, praising effort, there might be some things that we're doing subtly that might be undermining what we are saying. For example, if you're going to pin anything to the fridge, make sure it's comments on your child's efforts and not final grades. So, if you look, if you're somebody who puts, it's got fridge magnets and maybe children's report cards or their end of term grades, that is a visual reminder that actually the outcome is what's important. The result is what's important. Now, if your school gives your child effort grades and that's what you pin on the fridge, fabulous. But it's, remembering what are the subtle things that we might be doing that might be giving our children mixed messages. We're trying to praise effort, but actually we're highlighting, we're amplifying, we're celebrating outcome because that's what we might be pinning on the fridge, for example. So, to don't do that, praise and discuss the effort that they have put into their work and not the final grade. And when they get a result, good or bad, focus on what they have learnt from the experience, from the process that they've gone through, from the effort that they put in, from their practice and what will they do now with that knowledge, the knowledge that they have. So, the process in the preparation for a test, maybe, or an exam or an assessment. Let's look at the results, whether it's good or bad and let's still have the discussion. So often what happens is when our children don't get a great result, we then spend a lot of time talking about what have they learnt, what are they going to do differently, how did that happen, how disappointing for them. And actually, we need to be doing that as much when they get a good result so we can look at it. Now, if your child gets a great result but they've put in very little effort, we need to talk about that too because that's not going to help them when they're presented with something that's a bit more challenging. So, it's really important that we, whether the result is good or bad, we have a discussion around what they've learnt, what have they learnt from that. This way, we are encouraging our child to always look forward rather than looking back in terms of whatever grades that they get. It's what have I learnt from this and what am I going to do moving forward rather than them constantly getting caught up in that really bad result that they had that they don't know what to do with that always draws them back. It's drawing a close to that result through a process of reflection. What have we learnt? What are we going to do different? So, now we're back into looking for and looking forward. So, background so far is remembering that we're raising an adult and that we need to be, our actions need to be positioned from that rather than the child that we currently have. Focusing in on the process and not the outcome. And the third and final background here is about setting regular goals together as a family. And my give this week will be a goal setting template as well as the Sunday planning meeting. Now, I know that we've shared the Sunday planning meeting previously but it's really important that we have these two in context because when we're talking about set regular goals together as a family we need to do them together as a family and whether you follow my template for a Sunday family meeting or whether you create one of your own it doesn't matter but it's having some regular sort of gathering of the family to check in on each other and when you're setting these goals it's a great place, it's a great opportunity, it's a great way of checking in on progress so again, we're reinforcing this aspect that it's the process that we're interested in really rather than the end result. So setting regular goals together as a family. Now, I'm a big fan on setting these in shorter time frames. So I prefer monthly and termly rather than annually. Now, it might be at the beginning of a school academic year. Your child has got a huge aspiration, a really big goal that probably is going to take them a whole year to achieve. And that's fine but what we need to be looking at as we've talked about previously with my ladder tool is we need to break that down into manageable steps. When we have a goal that is too far away, that is too big, quite often we lose time in that process. We don't necessarily crack on with what we need to do because it seems so far away. Breaking it down to monthly, ideally or termly makes it much, much more manageable. So it's looking at breaking it down so you either have a monthly or a termly one that you check in regularly or if it's a big year one, we want to break it down into smaller manageable chunks. Now, remember when we're setting these goals that these need to be super specific and action focused. So it's about your child taking some action. So don't get your child sort of setting goals like I work really hard to understand maths this month. That's my goal or I want to get straight A's. They're too broad. They're not specific. It's not clear what your child actually needs to do to work really hard to understand their maths or to get their straight A's if that's one of the goals that they want to do. It's much more about getting them to think about what action do I need to take in order to reach that outcome because we're focusing on process. So they might set goals, for example, that are much more specific, such as I will spend 10 minutes minutes practising my times tables each night or I'll ask for help when I don't understand something in Spanish or I will attend one school catch-up session a week for example if your school does these particular has these catch-up or revision sessions or these sorts of things it's really important that we that we kind of look look at that and what I would say is I would encourage you to set three goals so if your child to set three goals and it is so important that the goals that your child sets must be goals that your child has chosen and not you now your child may choose a goal that you don't think actually tackles their immediate challenge now you can obviously ask probing questions you can ask them how does that relate to this because you've said that this is something you're finding particularly difficult but ultimately the goal must be set by your child so if your child sets a goal which you probably disagree with or you don't necessarily think addresses their current challenge you need to go with it because part of the reflective practice over time over the month or the term that they're going to be working on that goal can be how is this helping you particularly when they come to you with a challenge or something that they found particularly difficult at school and it isn't aligned to their goal so that might be then it becomes that they adapt and modify that for next time they set a goal so it's making sure that the goal that the goals that your children set are by your children and not you and i would personally encourage you to encourage your child to set three goals one which is academically related so this can be very specific to academic side and one that's socially related because when we're talking about helping our children succeed at school school isn't just about academics and we can get really caught up in this as parents because we're very focused on the end result and what those academic results will enable them to do either with their next school or necessarily in terms of grades in terms of getting into university or an apprenticeship or whatever it is their next steps are but a happy child who has great social relationships and is flourishing in that way their that confidence naturally spills onto academics so let's not make these goals all about academics so there should be one academic goal there should be one social goal and there should be one stretch goal now that stretch goal can be related to friendships it could be related to academics it could be something completely different it could be about having a sleepover something that really stretches them beyond the academics but really boosts their confidence and it's really important for children to have these stretch goals because having a goal which feels scary is a goal that actually might not be achieved and that's good it also helps our children to accept that failure is normal and they can learn so much from that failure because we can reflect back on what aspects of that goal have they managed to see through what have they learned and what will they do next time so i think a stretch goal is really important and do not forget that you and your partner if you have one must also do the same children learn most from observation remember the saying children are much more likely to do what they see than what we see and what we don't see and so i think it's really important for children to say so if we are modeling goal setting and our children are seeing us set stretch goals and us actively pursuing them and us reflecting back on them in our sunday meetings and us sort of what what the learns that we have got they are much much more likely to do the same so let's just recap the background before we then move on now onto the practical day-to-day so we must remember that we are raising an adult and all our actions should be positioned from that perspective we need to focus on the process and not the outcome so let's look out for those mixed messages that we might be sending by pinning outcome result things maybe on our fridge or or in other or framing things that are not necessarily consistent with us praising effort and setting regular goals together as a family so this is the background the context this is what we need to keep drawing ourselves back to let me give you four practical day-to-day things that we can do and we can do this for children of all ages remember that this is not just about teens success at school starts from the moment our children enter their preschool or their nursery all the way up until they're sort of 18 leaving school but even beyond and into their university to period time of time if that's what they're going to do so these four steps practical day-to-day the first one is help your child set up a routine which works for them and the key thing here is it's got to be a routine that works for them now clearly there's going to be some constraints and some confinements around that because our children can't necessarily choose everything themselves because they might have siblings who have got activities that mean that they come back from home from school at particular times but we need to help them as best as possible within the framework that we have help them set a routine that works for them so this is also about when might they do their homework now i know i've been doing this for a long time but i've talked about this before i have two children both needed very different things when it came to coming home from school and crack doing their homework my son my eldest was always of the view that he wanted to get in he wanted to crack on with his homework because his view was he just saw his homework as a continuation of his school day and he wanted to continue his school day and then have a hard stop so then everything after that was his time and that's what worked for him so that's how we did it for him he came home from school he went straight to the kitchen table and he got on with his homework and i brought him a snack and a glass of water and that's how he operated my daughter on the other hand was completely the opposite she needed to decompress she needed to go up to her bedroom she needed a bit of time to flick through books chat to herself dance around her room play with a few things change whatever that was she needed that decompression time and went then she came down to do her homework so for them it was really they were complete polar opposites you know my son would come in and would stay in his school uniform to do his homework so where possible and it was you know we did that and obviously the times changed depending on activities that either of them had but it's where we can let's help our children work out and set up a routine that which works for them and that's a collaborative coaching process of we know that we need to do some homework or we know that we need to do some studying we know that we need to do this these are the constraints in terms of the time that we come in these are the constraints in terms of the time that i'm going to that we're going to be eating together these are the constraints in times in terms of bedtime what might work best for you and be prepared to trial and error you know explain that to your child this is a you know we're not going to come remember we're talking about process so we might not have the right way of going about it immediately but let's try let's do this let's do that let's try let's see what happens let's tweak let's refine what works for you so that our children can be active and able to do what they want to do and actively involved in setting up their own routine and when our children are actively involved in setting up their own routine they take ownership and because of that because they've said it they've chosen it they've proposed it they're much more likely to follow through rather than us being rigid and saying you must come in you must do this you must then do that sometimes we have to be in that slightly dictatorial position because of specific time constraints but where possible we should then encourage our children to make the decisions and the tweaks within that so the first practical thing is help your child to set up a routine which works for them number two encouraging good study skills so this is around helping our children find a quiet space a space that's away from distractions and making sure that they limit and restrict their distractions that it's away from mobile or electronic devices so it's talking to our children about what are the things what are the key things for good study skills and part of that is also understanding helping them understand when are they at their most productive now during the school week and term time we've got very little opportunity to be independent around that but it's encouraging our children to reflect on whether they are a morning person whether they're most productive in the morning or later on in the day are they most productive when they've had something to eat are they less productive when they've had something to eat are they less productive so it's thinking through now obviously during term time we've got very little flexibility around when they do their work so they can't necessarily do it in the morning unless you have plenty of time before a school day but it may be that you have a child that for them doing their reading first thing in the morning does work particularly well but it's thinking this through and the implications of that but when it comes to the actual sort of study skills it's helping them make decisions quiet place? How can I ensure that I have no distractions around me so that I'm able to just focus on the work that is in hand? What's good in terms of the stretch of time that I can work and then the stretch of time that I need to have breaks? It is really important that when children, certainly when we're looking at older children working, that they take regular breaks. It is key in terms of the way that the brain works is that the brain does not absorb lots of information if they're just sitting for hours and hours on end. It's counterproductive. They're much better off having short, sharp bursts, which work really effectively, rather than than doing long protracted amounts of time that really don't help consolidate their learning. And it's also encouraging our children to make sure that mobiles and electronic devices are away from temptation. If our child is slightly stuck on something or caught up in a piece of work that is requiring a little bit more effort in terms of their thinking, having electronic devices close to hand can be a real distraction, can really interfere. So making sure that they set the scene, that they have a clear desk, that they don't have any distractions and that it is quiet and productive is much more helpful. So practically day to day, it's helping our children set up a routine which works for them, encouraging good study skills. And the third one is about creating a schedule for their device use. Now you might think, well, what's that got to do with studying? What's that got to do with helping our children succeed at school? But actually, if we're trying to encourage our children to set up good study skills, then knowing that they have a specific schedule for when they are going to be on their electronic devices, when they're able to connect with their friends, when they're able to be online or gaming and all the things that they might want to do, if they know that that time is set up, is scheduled, is already programmed into their day, they can get super clear, super focused on the work that they're doing, knowing that they've got that, rather than just being able to do it on their own. And it being something that becomes a bit ad hoc. And obviously, a schedule for the device use may change. It may be different during a school week to a weekend. It might be different to a school holiday and term time. But I think having those regular conversations and helping our children come up with this schedule so that they understand when might be a sensible time for me to do that. How is that going to impact me doing my homework or studying for something? So it's helping them be part of that process. And I think that's really important. And the fourth one, as you would imagine, is we must remember that all that we do is modelling to our children. So if we are demonstrating distractibility, if we are doing a piece of work and we are constantly checking our phone, that is not modelling having a good study skill environment. If we are constantly distracted with that, if we don't have a regular routine set up, if we don't place our electronic devices away, and place them to one side and have periods of time during the day when we're not on them, we're not modelling to our children what these good habits are. So we have to remember that we need to check in on ourselves, ultimately, because children are much more likely to do what they see than what we say. So if we're not modelling it, our children are unlikely to do the same. So let's recap on those four practical day-to-day things. So it's helping our children to set up a routine which works for them. And also, it's helping them to set up a routine which works for us. Encouraging good study skills, so quiet space, away from distractions, no mobile or electronic devices to distract. The same for us when we sit down to do a piece of work. When we're doing something, we're not on multiple things. We're not watching television while also being on our phones or on laptops. The third is create a schedule for device use and do the same for ourselves. So creating a clear, demarcated time that that is device use and nothing else. And fourth is remembering that all we do is modelling to our children. Now, my give this week is going to be a goal-setting template and also is going to be the Sunday planning meeting template, which we've shared previously, but is really relevant in this context. And with these templates, adapt and modify. These are things that I've come up with that I created for when I'm working with children. So adapt and modify it for your child. So as you know, that you can, if you just head over to my free resource library, drmaryhann.com forward slash library, you'll find the link to download these resources. All you need to do is pop in your email address and you'll get instant access, not only to this week's resource, but all my other free resources across all my podcast episodes. As ever, if you have enjoyed this episode, I would be so, so grateful if you could just spend a few moments to write a review. And if you can follow the podcast as well, it means that you get notified for each new episode. And by reviewing, it means that others can find us and we can spread the love. So until next time.
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