Speaker 1Blood donation is now more inclusive. More LGBTQ plus individuals are able to donate blood with the American Red Cross due to FDA guidelines that eliminate eligibility questions based on sexual orientation. The Red Cross celebrates this historic change and welcomes those who may be newly eligible to donate blood. There's a place for everyone in the mission of the Red Cross, including you. The Red Cross is committed to achieving a blood donation process that treats all potential donors with equality and respect while maintaining the safety of the blood supply. Join us and help save lives. To learn more and make your appointment to donate blood, visit redcrossblood.org slash LGBTQ. That's redcrossblood.org slash LGBTQ.
Speaker 2Many have been to Deep Ellum. Few have done a deep dive. So if you haven't been deeply moved by a mural, made cheese at the mozzarella company, sampled a global fair at Rocket Viz, dined under a Dallas skyline, lost yourself in a car accident, read a good book at Deep Vellum, or found that the blues make you happy, well, you've barely dipped a toe into a district full of interesting discoveries. Deep Ellum. Go deep. Discover more at deepellumtexas.com.
Speaker 3At Humana, our Medicare Advantage plans are easy to understand and easy on your wallet. Like offering more benefits than you'd get from original Medicare alone. And including dental, vision, and hearing coverage in every plan. And the best part is, every plan has a $0 or low monthly plan premium, which makes it easier to save too. So this Medicare planning season, plan well with Humana. Learn more at gethumana.com. Humana is a Medicare Advantage HMO and PPO organization with a Medicare contract. Enrollment in any Humana plan depends on contract renewal.
Speaker 4Hello and welcome to the How Not to Screw Up Your Kids podcast. The deeper dive episodes designed to unpick a thorny topic, so you can take away manageable actions you can implement today. I'm your host, Dr. Mary Henn, psychologist and parenting expert. So, pull yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat, and enjoy the conversation. Today's thorny topic is all about how we can help our children manage uncertainty. Now, this talk was originally created around helping a corporate client navigating, with parents navigating, the current challenges in Iran. However, as I was writing it, I thought, do you know what? These nine strategies that I'm going to share with you, 10 if we add an extra one that I thought of on the day, can be used in any situation where our children are navigating uncertainty. And let's face it, their lives are full of uncertainty at some period of time. Now, that uncertainty could be about examination results. That uncertainty could be around potentially the breakouts, breakdown of a relationship with their parents, whether that's a separation or a divorce. Uncertainty could be around friendships, could be around which school they may well be going to because they're taking some entrance exams. You think of it, and uncertainty is everywhere. And so, by just following these nine or 10 strategies, you can help your child navigate any aspect of uncertainty. Now, before I go into my sort of top tips, around this and the things that we can talk about, what I will say is uncertainty is a natural part of life. And I think it's really important as parents that we don't manage it out of our children's lives by organising, orchestrating, and therefore really finding that our children don't actually end up going through any level of uncertainty because we just fix it for them. We are always working with the end in mind. We want to raise a resilient, adult and let's face it when it comes to adulthood and our children, our adult children finding their first job, for example, is there's going to be a huge amount of uncertainty. Now, if we have managed uncertainty completely out of their lives, then what happens is when they become adults and suddenly they're faced with having to handle these challenges on their own, and independently, whether that's because they've made a choice to go to university or whether it's that process of trying to find their first employee, employment, then we don't set them up to be able to cope and to be able to manage that situation. And so if we really think about, and I know I'm probably inclined to be veering on that sort of more optimistic side, but if we really see uncertainty and challenges that our children face as real opportunities for them to develop the skills that they will need in whichever way that that challenge creates for them. And in this sense, this situation with uncertainty, we're helping them build the skills to be able to manage, regulate their emotions, find ways that they can manage uncertainty so that they then have good adaptive responses and they feel capable when they're out the other end. So just wanted to sort of set that particular context. And of course, when our children are going through a period of time of uncertainty, it's difficult for us as parents to watch them. Looking so pained and so and struggling with it that of course we have a tendency to want to sort of fix it all. But I would just say that we're going to end up doing our children a real disservice if we do that. So the first thing that I would say when we're trying to manage uncertainty is our child is going to talk to us quite often about uncertainty or they're going to say things. And so the first thing that I would say is that we want to listen first. So when our child makes a statement, nobody wants to be my friend. I'm never going to get into that school. I think I failed all my GCSEs. Whatever the statement that they're making is, what do they really mean? I want you to sort of ask yourself that question because our children often say something. And as parents, we have a tendency to then respond to the words that we've we've heard. Doesn't seem unreasonable if our child says something. But if we could take a few moments to really listen, to try and, to try and unpick what is it that they're actually saying under the hood, what then happens is when we then respond, we're responding to the more pertinent question, what they're actually asking us or what they're actually concerned about or what is worrying them in that level of that uncertainty. And so what we then say and what we do can end up being so much more powerful as a result of that. So we want to unpick by listening first. And for those who are, are regular listeners, you'll know, I talk about this process of active listening. It's not something that I've come up with. It's a well-known tool and strategies that lots of therapists use. And it's a really great way of helping clarify what we think we've heard, whilst also encouraging our children to sort of talk more and for them to see that we can see things from their perspective. And active listening is simply listening with an intention, an intention that you want to be able to understand what your child is saying. And in order to clarify that you may periodically, you may at moments paraphrase back. So what I think I'm hearing you say is for example, because what we're really doing is we're saying at the end of whatever it is that my child says, I want to be able to have a, almost be able to see things from their perspective rather than what we might typically do. And let's face it. We are busy as parents. We're juggling multiple things, doing lots of things. And quite often our children maybe talk about things at the most inopportune moments. And so we can find ourselves when we're listening, we're sort of a distracted listening and that distraction can either be because we're already busy formulating our response in our head, or it may well be that we're distracted listening because we're running through our to-dos and what we've got to do next. And so we're not really hearing everything that our child says. And if we want to help our child manage uncertainty, if we want our child to see that we truly, truly are trying to understand things from their perspective, then we want to actively listen first. So what do they already know? Where does that information come from? What is it particularly that they're concerned about? What is the question that they're really asking what's underneath the statement that they've actually just made? So that would be my number one is about listening first. The second one is about providing reassurance, but not lying. Yeah. So be honest and be calm. So if we think about this from the perspective of a separation, from the perspective of our children waiting for exam results, whether it's about a house move, whether it's about a school move, we want to be having honest conversations with our children, which are age and stage appropriate. And we want to provide some reassurance, but we don't want to lie. So we don't want to be saying to our child, you might be worrying about their GCSEs. It's okay. You, you work really hard. You'll be fine. You'll do really well. We don't know. That that we're trying to reassure, but we're lying because we don't know what those results will be. So we want to provide the reassurance that they will get the exam results. And whatever happens, we will figure out what the next step is. It's really thinking about how we might do that. If the uncertainty is maybe around a separation at the parental separation, again, provide that reassurance that they're, that they are loved, that we know that it's really tricky at this particular time and that we are doing all that we can, to help and support them. So it's just really keeping it honest and not lying and generally as a rule whichever uncertain situation this might be whether it's results whether it's friendships even you know they're feeling uncertain because you know their two has become a three or maybe they've always had a three and now those three are going off and it's a two or they're going into a new class and they're really struggling because their best friend isn't going to be in it whatever that might be what we want to think of as the rule here when we're reassuring but we're not lying is we want to respond to their question or their statements to the best of our ability in terms of the honesty but with the least amount of information that's necessary to explain and know more and the reason I say that is not because we're withholding information but quite often we over explain in the moment and we provide too much information and almost overwhelm that our child has too much to process we're much better off doing the minimum doing what we need to do and then letting it see you know observing how that lands with our child and whether at another time when we check in on them we might need to layer up with a bit more information so once we've reassured them and we haven't lied we've been honest we've given them the absolute necessity of information and no no more I want to encourage you to observe them observe their body language as well as noticing the words that they use yeah because that will give you a clue as to whether your child is still thinking whether they're concerned whether they're all right whether they've not it's not quite landed so there may well need to be another conversation about it we're looking for what I call the incongruence so a child saying that they're fine but their body language shouts I'm absolutely not fine you know I'm this is just too much so it or um a child that is saying that they understand but you can clearly see that they're not because they're asking questions or they're making statements or they're doing things that suggest that they haven't really taken on board what you've said so that reassurance but not lying is number two number three as you would expect at some point within my top my top list is to validate emotions uncertainty is going to feel uncomfortable not only for your child but for you because whatever the situation is that your child is facing in terms of uncertainty if it's impacting them it will be impacting you also because you'll be concerned and you'll be worried for them so we want to acknowledge frustration we want to acknowledge fear and sadness and anger and frustration and worries because that's a natural part remember this whole notion of name it to tame it and also trying to normalize for your child that you know what it's okay to be frustrated and angry you know it's tricky when we don't know what's going to happen you know our mind might even kind of goes to all sorts of dark places and things of all sorts of horrible or bad things that might happen and it's all right to feel to feel worried and scared that's normal you know know that you're loved know that you're safe know that we will always be here to care for you and to love you as we work through this uncertainty and whatever again whatever that uncertainty is and that's what we're going to do we're going to work through this uncertainty the statements within that also work if the uncertainty is around separation between parents and a subsequent divorce because the message that we want to be telling our children is that they're not the reason why that there has been a split in their parents and that they will be loved unconditionally anyway that their parent you're not disappearing as parents you're going to still be there you want to show up for them when they need you it's just simply that your relationship has broken down with your co-parents and that's what we're going to do we're going to show up for them when they need you and that's what we're going to do we're going to show up for them when they need you not your child as well as obviously you know it working equally as well for exam results as it is in terms of a whole host of other aspects of uncertainty whether they're going to be selected for a team or not so number three is about validating emotions number four is really focusing in on the reassurance and the safety that our child might need to hear or see from us so that may well be if we go back to the this notion of a separation is that as you know we're working hard on resolving this on making things easy on giving you some clarity about where you're going to be living and and when and how how the days will work in terms of time with each parent if it's around school you know they don't know which school they're going to go to next it's you know the schools are working very hard to make a decision as to which schools or maybe we as your parents are really working hard to think about what might be the best next school for you and as soon as we know we will share that and i know that's really difficult we're working on a plan so we're providing that reassurance for them through the acknowledgement that it's difficult and it's challenging as they're waiting for that you know for that certainty but that you are actively you're reassuring them that you you are doing all that you can either to get the information in certainty or that you are working on getting that certainty for them and of course a lot of it depends on what that uncertainty and challenges that they're grappling with but we want to kind of provide that that assurance that they're not in this on their own they're not you know we're not sitting idle and don't assume that your child knows that i think you know sometimes we feel like we shouldn't say anything to our children because maybe they haven't said they haven't mentioned anything they seem to be saying something that they don't know and so i think it's really important to be okay so let's just not say anything in my experience where there are gaps in your child's knowledge they will fill it they'll fill that void either with whatever they come up with in their own head or what they hear from others so do not assume that if your child is not asking questions about an area that you know is filled with uncertainty for them that they're absolutely fine now they could be but don't assume that without checking in you know that one of the biggest aspects of being able to successfully negotiate and navigate uncertainty and for our children to come out the other side relatively unscathed other than knowing that you know fundamentally it was a really difficult time and i felt overwhelmed and anxious and worried and nervous but you know what i managed it it's the only way to kind of confirm that really is just to keep checking in how are you doing no you know we haven't talked about it for a little while but wanted you to know that we're still working on it or you know we'll wait we're still waiting for things but i wanted to check and let you know that we're here if you need anything so it's that checking in so that's number four which is about us providing that reassurance and that safety number five is when there is uncertainty there can be a real tendency to focus in on that piece of uncertainty that you know the lens with which our children look at things is like it's all focused on the uncertainty and that just amplifies remember that the brain already has a negative bias and that negative bias isn't that it always wants to assume the worst but the negative bias is just simply your brain's job is to keep you safe make sure that you don't get eaten and that nothing bad happens to you and so of course it's going to be predisposed and likely to focus on and see and identify all of the things that may well be challenging so all of those things that might be a risk to them so obviously that's where a lot of the attention is so we can counter that particularly in these situations of uncertainty by focusing our discussions on what we do know so we acknowledge this you know uncertainty is really difficult i can see how challenging that is not knowing what's going to happen is really eating you up and you just you just want to know what's going on we're working really hard on getting an answer or you know we're going to hear soon or whatever the situation might be but what we do know is that today or tomorrow so we want to keep the present keep that sort of bringing back conversations once we've done that acknowledgement to i don't i can't give you certainty in that but what i do know is that today this is what's happening and that tomorrow that's what's happening we're keeping them in the present and reminding them each time that they ask those questions we're pulling them back now we need to be honest when we don't know and say that we're working hard to find out or that school are working hard or we're having i'm having conversations with your other co-parent whatever the situation or the uncertainty is but we can be honest that we don't know and then provide that reassurance that we're doing our best or that just simply there's nothing that we can do about it we have to just simply wait it may well be that you know it's exam results and there's nothing you could there's literally nothing you can do about that uncertainty it's really awful it's a big emotion and super challenging and it you wish it was august already but it's not it's not it's not but what we do know is that today we're going to do x y and z and tomorrow we've got this and then we've got this holiday and that's what we're focusing in on because we can't change the fact that we don't know and soon enough in in four weeks in three weeks you'll have that answer because i can't tell you what it is and i can't tell the future in terms of what those results might be or whatever this uncertainty is so focus our discussions bring our discussions back to what we do know
Speaker 1Blood donation is now more inclusive.
Speaker 5Shaq here. What's it like to buy a car from Carvana 100% online and get it delivered to your door? Let me tell you. Your car is here, Mr. Shaq. Thank you, Mr. Carvana guy. Can't wait to take it for a spin. Only the best for you, Mr. Shaq. Hey, have you always been so big, tall, and handsome? Not always. I was 6'10 once. Seven days to love it all. Return it, Mr. Shaq. Not that I would. You never do. No, I never do. So buy your car today on Carvana. Delivery fees may apply. See our seven-day return policy at Carvana.com.
Speaker 4Number six is around when we are in a period of uncertainty, when our children are struggling with any aspect where there's uncertainty, it can be really helpful to maintain routine and structure and keep those normal routines going. In the way that you can. So if the uncertainty is external to your home, we know that within our home, we've got a certain element of significantly more control than we might have externally about keeping their routines, their normal routines going. What I would say here is really try not to be tempted to change your boundaries and the way that you go about doing things as a way of reassuring your child. Now, you may well have already done that, and we can look at ways of unraveling that. But when our child might be feeling uncertain, maybe they're going through a bit of a stage at school and they're really having struggles with their friendships. Maybe there's a lot of drama going on around friendships. Maybe they've got some entrance exams coming up or that they're transitioning from their primary school to secondary school, and those inevitable worries are beginning to come up. Maybe there is about to be a separation and that uncertainty about what might happen is there. What I would say is, if you're in a situation where you're in a situation say is are the temptation as a parent to sort of flex the boundaries in ways that you wouldn't ordinarily maybe you decide that you know what bedtime might normally be eight but I can see they're really worried about this so let's just flex bedtime it could be nine ten o'clock maybe they were always slept in their own bed and then you start bringing them into your bed as a way of comforting them again perfectly can see absolutely why you would do that what I'm suggesting is that if you are listening to this and you've not yet flexed those boundaries it can be really helpful to keep them in place doesn't make you insensitive doesn't make you a tough strict parent because we can still love our children we can still provide that reassurance and that level of empathy but whilst keeping the things that hold them together and that predictability to be the same because what we potentially and I'm not saying this because I want you to freak out or get super worried but potentially the communication that is sent in between the lines is let's say maybe normally now your child's never going to think in this particular logical way but I'm just trying to sort of over exaggerate to make the point so maybe it's like oh my parents are normally really strict about me going to bed and I'm not allowed to have my light on for ages and I'm certainly not allowed in their bedroom but now they're saying I don't have to go to bed till much later and they're encouraging me to go to sleep with them there must be something really badly wrong that they're not telling me so I'm I'm not saying that that is always going to necessarily be the case but children particularly where you've had really clear boundaries and really clear routines about things now of course if our children of our child's had a really awful day and we periodically you know push the boat out say look bedtime later come and sit down and we'll have a conversation or come and have a snuggle and we'll go to bed together if they are ad hoc and they are the exceptions 100% go ahead and do that because our children do need these every now and again where the issue is is where that then becomes the norm and then the inadvertent message that we send is actually I'm telling you that you don't need to worry about anything but what I'm doing my behavior suggests that there is something to be concerned about because I've over flexed the rules and the boundaries that we typically have and so for our children the assurance that they get in periods of uncertainty is very much from the normalcy and the certainty that we give them through the routine and the structure amongst all of the uncertainty what I would say is if there has been some if you've you know moved things if you're listening to this and thinking oh my god Mary Han that's exactly what I've done how do I unravel it then you can unravel it it's no everything can be unraveled what we've just got to do is re-equip our child with the skill we have over scaffolded and over protected so just reverse whatever that might be in stages depending on how long that boundary has been sort of set aside so if we're talking about bedtime for example and you've got a child now that is sleeping with you all of the time if that's happened for a week that's probably not going to be as difficult to unravel as unravel as it has been for a month so what we're trying to do then is create that sense of safety back in their own bedroom and doing it that way number seven fact check the information so if your child is struggling with uncertainty then we want to ensure that where they're getting their information from and their data is accurate for example you may have a child that is in a process of working out what their next school is and maybe you've had a conversation that said you know you'll end up in if that is right for you as your parents were trying to work out what that might be and you're you're keeping that level of uncertainty at a level that there is a decision that's going to be made but there is no pressure and you're trying just trying to work out what might be in their best interests yet they might go to school and get a whole load of information about oh my goodness me for that particular school there's like 300 applications for every one person that they admit for example i've slightly exaggerated i'm not even sure that there is a school that does so we want to make sure that when our children come back we listen first yep don't launch into who told you that that's not true let's really listen and try and understand is it that our child actually understands the concept of how many applicants per place or is it just simply that what they're talking about is something really different that maybe they're scared that they're not going to get into the same school that their friend is going to get into maybe they don't want to go to that particular school maybe they think that if there's so many people that apply for that school that it must mean it's not the right school for them so we want to listen first and then we want to ensure that the information that we give them is accurate and we want to challenge them when they have information which is not accurate because that's part of that you know us supporting them is being able to do that now if the uncertainty that you're concerned about maybe your child is finding the uncertainty of global events then what we want to do is we want to be mindful of the amount of news and discussions that we engage with in front of our children and as a rule of thumb we go back to the you know reassurance but don't lie rule we want to consume news with the least amount you know have consumed the least amount of news necessary for us to keep up to date and no more we want to keep up to date with our children so we want to be mindful of that and we want to be mindful of that and we want to be mindful of that and we want to be mindful of that and we want to be mindful of that so this may well be that your child is of an age where they are reading they've got electronic devices or maybe they're getting you know newspaper-esque children's versions sent home the week for example so it's just making sure that the content is a ballot is balanced content and any content within the online sites or physical information that they're getting is one that we can discuss with our children so we want to make sure that we're making sure that we're making sure with them and the other caveat that i would have around this fact checked and in terms of what we do and say is that your children are very good at picking up on what you say and what your body language and your behavior says and whether that is congruent so what i'm saying is exactly what you're seeing in my body language and in my behavior or i'm saying one thing and i'm doing something completely different be mindful of that which leads us into point number eight is about ensuring that during the period of uncertainty whatever that might be separation children having issues with friendships new school exam results is we want to manage our own emotional responses now this isn't about being strong and resilient and tough and not showing any weakness it's about knowing that our behavior as parents sets the emotional barometer in our home so if we're struggling with uncertainty with whatever that might be in for our child we want to make sure that we're managing our own emotional And it's affecting our behavior in a particular way. way, we should be looking to take action to support ourselves first, because if we do not support ourselves, because we're, we then don't show up in the emotional barometer that we want to show up. And if we don't do that, then the consequences have a ripple effect. So this is not a luxury. This is about a necessity. So whatever that is for you, whether it's reaching out for friends, whether it's ways that you create certainty, whether it's about physical exercise, whether it's about phone a friend, journaling, whatever it might be, is really think through what you might need to do in order to help that emotional response. And when we talk about this idea about co-regulation, when our children experience big emotions, is that sometimes it's not even that we actively say to our child when they're having a huge emotion, you know, why don't you do? Why don't you do that? But in lots of ways, when our children observe us and see us regularly taking care of our feelings, and maybe taking some deep breaths, when we in periods of uncertainty, if they see us doing all of the things that we encourage them to do, then that creates an environment that speaks volumes of my parents regularly take deep breaths. My parents regularly just sit and they be. My parents regularly engage. In things that they find interesting, rather than, you know, my parents say one thing, and then I see them on their phones, or I see them having conversations with relatives, and I can sense that there's an emotional things going on. And I know that they're talking about me, but I don't quite know what they're saying. So it's just being aware about that. So I know. So we're able to also communicate that I know this is happening today, tomorrow. And I know everything, you know, we're all working hard to establish what happens after that, you know, we're working hard on this. So that what we're saying, and what we are doing in terms of our behavior, and what we communicate are congruent, they sit together. And then number nine, I think is just observing our children's behavior. Because what we want to be able to do is we want to pick up if they are becoming overwhelmed, or if they are struggling in any way. So what we want to be observing is much more across their regular habit. That's that their regular habits are what's going to speak to us. About any changes that might be happening, rather than necessarily new ones. So we want to look at their eating, maybe has that changed sleeping? Are they struggling to fall asleep at night? Are they waking up in the middle of the night? Are they coming through to our room? Are they complaining that they're tired in the morning? And how are they engaging in the activities that they would normally like to do? What are they doing with their spare time relative to what they used to do? Are they complaining about headaches? Are they complaining about tummy aches? We're looking really to see whether there are any behavioral changes, which might indicate that they're struggling in some way, because that's an early cue for us to be able to respond. And those are my top nine. But I added a 10th one, which I want to include here. And it's one around this notion of regular family meetings. It's super helpful when there is a period of uncertainty that we're trying to navigate. And it is highly stressful. And it's highly challenging. For everybody, as you navigate that uncertainty. So it could be really helpful as a family to check in regularly with how we're getting on. So what works this week, what didn't work? And what might we be able to do? Because when our children get actively involved in their home, and how we go about running our home, it provides a certain element of certainty amongst all of the uncertainty, which can provide a huge amount of reassurance. It's helpful to have a discussion with our partner if we're co-parenting first, because that gives us a bit of a sense of the adult, adult sort of scenario about, oh, I was really struggling with this. Or did you notice that Jack was struggling with that? And he keeps asking questions about this, how might we tackle it? So you get that check in, so that when you then have the family discussion, you're both kind of aware of the areas that you've noticed that may not have quite worked the way that you wanted to, or that you're not there may well need to be some refinements around that. And then of course, you then sort of provide this lovely sort of situation for your children to feel, flex and practice that capability that they have within them. Through that, knowing that they've got a sense of agency, they get to choose, they get to contribute, they get to have their say on how things are done at home, where there is safety and certainty, whilst they navigate the uncertainty. So I hope that you have found that really informative. And it's an episode that you can come back to again and again, at each time your child is faced with a new set of uncertainty and new set of challenges that they're trying to kind of work their way through. And if you have found it helpful, I am 100% sure that you will know at least one or two people who may also find this episode helpful. It may well be that you've got children in the same year, you've got children in the same year that are facing the same level of uncertainty, or you're in a situation that others are in too. Or you just know a friend who's going through something that may find this particularly helpful. So do share this episode. And if you have not yet done so, then please do follow the podcast by pressing follow on whichever platform you listen to your podcasts. What that does is it ensures that every time a new episode comes out, it will appear in your podcast. And if you haven't yet done so, then please do follow the podcast by pressing follow on whichever platform you listen to your podcasts. And if you have not yet done so, then please do And lastly, of course, if you've not yet rated and reviewed the podcast, then I would be eternally grateful if you could, so that others can find us and we can spread the love. So until next time.
Speaker 1Blood Donors Blood Donation is now more inclusive.
Speaker 6Most transfers arrive in under 20 seconds. Join millions saving billions on hidden fees. Be smart. Get wise. Visit wise.com. T's and C's apply.
PodcastTranscript AI