Speaker 1Therapy's biggest impact doesn't show up in some dramatic breakthrough. It shows up in the smallest moments. You bite your tongue instead of escalating. You put your phone down instead of firing off that text. You say what you actually mean instead of what would hurt someone else the most. Nobody applauds those moments, but they quietly change your life. That's what growing feels like. And that's exactly what Grow Therapy is here for. Grow is therapy that works, covered by insurance. Sessions average $21 with insurance, and some pay as little as $0, depending on their plan. There are no subscriptions, no long-term commitments. You just pay per session. Grow connects you with thousands of high-quality, licensed therapists across the U.S., offering both virtual and in-person sessions, nights and weekends. You can search by what matters, like insurance, specialty, identity, or availability. And you can book a therapy session in minutes and begin in as little as two days, not the national 48-day average. See if you could pay as little as $0 for therapy in seconds at growtherapy.com slash ACAST. That's growtherapy.com slash ACAST. growtherapy.com slash ACAST. Availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan.
Speaker 2Blood donation is now more inclusive. More LGBTQ plus individuals are able to donate blood with the American Red Cross due to FDA guidelines that eliminate, eligibility questions based on sexual orientation. The Red Cross celebrates this historic change and welcomes those who may be newly eligible to donate blood. There's a place for everyone in the mission of the Red Cross, including you. The Red Cross is committed to achieving a blood donation process that treats all potential donors with equality and respect while maintaining the safety of the blood supply. Join us and help save lives. To learn more and make your appointment to donate blood, visit redcrossblood.org slash LGBTQ. That's redcrossblood.org slash LGBTQ.
Speaker 375% of women who seek menopause care don't receive it. The lying awake at 3 a.m. wondering what's happening to your body ends now. Midi is virtual care built for women in perimenopause and menopause with clinicians who specialize in women's health. Plus, it's covered by most major insurances. Getting started is easy. You can book your first visit with a clinician right away. Midlife needs Midi. Visit joinmidi.com to book your first visit today. That's joinmidi.com. M-I-D-I dot com. Insurance coverage varies. Check with your plan for coverage.
Speaker 4Hello and welcome to the How Not to Screw Up Your Kids podcast. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat, and enjoy the conversation. This is episode 71, and today's episode, Helping Children Manage Exam Stress, I'll be talking with the wonderful, incredible, incredible, Stephanie Haynes. You may remember I interviewed her in episode 51 when we talked about helping children feel confident about their futures. Now, in this episode, Stephanie shares her strategies as an educational consultant and coach for supporting children and teens as they navigate tests and exams. So, whether your children are taking tests or exams which measure their progress, or exams to get them into their next schools, or exams at 16 and 18 which are likely to, to determine university or career pathways, you'll want to listen to this episode. In fact, I found so many great tips for talking to our children about life and challenges beyond tests, so you're in for a real treat. As usual, there is a give, an incredible resource from Stephanie to help you, as well as Stephanie's email address if you want to get in touch for more support. As ever, all you need to do is head over to my free resource library, drmaryhan.com forward slash. where you'll find the link to download the resource. All you need to do is pop in your email address and you'll get instant access not only to this week's resource, but all the other free resources across all my other podcast episodes. As ever, if you enjoy this episode, I would love it if you could follow and review this podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love. So, until next time, here's Stephanie. I am super excited because I have managed to get Stephanie back. Stephanie Haynes is back and this time we're talking exam stress and how we can help and support. Now, you could have children who are going to be taking their kind of year two SATs or they're taking their year six SATs or they might have common entrance or they might be taking GCSEs, A-levels, studying to get into medicine or get into law school. So, we're going to be talking the whole. The whole thing. So, Stephanie, welcome back.
Speaker 5I'm so glad I get to come back. Thank you so much. I love getting to chat with you and hopefully inspiring your audience.
Speaker 4Oh, well, you shared so much with us last time when we were looking at careers and helping our children choose that sort of post, you know, when we're looking at their career. So, go back to that episode if you haven't listened to that one. That is incredible. So, I'm imagining that people are going to be listening to this thinking, oh, my God. How do I help? Because I guess there's a couple of bits to this. There's the actual when they're in the midst of it in terms of managing the stress and the anxieties that they've got. But I'm also guessing there are probably some top tips around helping them prepare in the first place to avoid that.
Speaker 5Yeah. You know, one of the biggest things is as parents, we have the opportunity to help our children see beyond the test grade and the immediate result that might happen, right? A test grade doesn't define our children. It doesn't define their ability to be successful in their life. And sometimes we tend to operate in that mentality of, oh, my gosh, if our child doesn't pass this well or doesn't do well on this, they're not going to be successful in whatever it is they're trying to do. And that is not true. They may have to do it more than once, especially when we're talking about the LSAT and the MCAT and so on. Or they may not get exactly what they wanted right at the beginning. But that doesn't mean that they won't still be successful. And so we need to think about how can we change the language around the value and importance of this particular test. Now, I understand when they're younger grades, these are marks about where they are academically. That does not mean they're limited at that point and they will never be able to recover, nor does it mean that they will at some point not be able to catch up. This is what we can do with our kids and say, okay, this is just where you're at right now. That doesn't mean anything. You are still learning. Your brain is still being developed. We still can keep moving forward. When you get to the bigger tests that seem to dictate career entrance and availability, just because you don't do well the first time doesn't mean you can't, one, do it again, and doesn't mean, two, that you're over, that that's it. You can never be that. That's not the case. And so we can help our kids get that perspective and then develop the accommodating resilience that needs to come with that. And that just means that we can look and say, okay, so we tested here. What do we know about you here? Great. We know that maybe structured education, the way it is, isn't your right thing and that's okay. So what can we do to help you learn about who you are and find value in that while you're still trying to make it through what traditional education is about for you at this point is not a definer of who you are.
Speaker 4Yeah. And that's so key, but particularly, I mean, I'm only just going to give the example in terms of medicine is that obviously the traditional route will be that you would go straight away and leave school and you'd study medicine. But actually there are other routes into medicine that aren't necessarily the traditional route.
Speaker 5Correct. And I think those are often overlooked because they're not talked about as much there. There's not as much experience with that. And so our cultures tend to think, well, maybe they're not as good. I know everybody else is going path a, so I should go path a too, because if I don't, maybe it's not going to be right or maybe it's not going to be good, but pathway has been proven. And I think that overlooks. So many different opportunities because none of us are the exact same. So for all of us to say, we have to fit into one narrow definition or one narrow pathway to get to someplace limit to, we are, you might be a better medic. For example, if you took time in between finishing, you know, high school or, you know, whatever that grade level is before you go into medical school by spending time, you know, working in a gap season where you work in a medical facility, maybe you do an internship. Maybe you'd go. Off into the Peace Corps and you're working with, you know, doctors without borders or whatever that looks like, maybe a whole bunch of other opportunities are going to be better for you, one, because they give you experience to, they help you network and three, they really give you a concrete insight into, is this really what I want? So if this is what you really want, then it becomes a different background behind why you're actually going to study, right? Why you're actually going to pour into, again, to do this kind of testing. And that can be a whole different maturity level that happens. As well, you know, we know scientifically now that our brains are not fully developed until about 27 for women and about 30 for men. So we're asking 18 year olds to be able to prepare their brain enough to be ready for medical school. And if they don't, we label them failures. Are we kidding? What does that really mean? Why could you not wait a couple of years, do something else and then become a doctor and work through that process? There's this spit up. We have to do it right now, right now, right now. But maybe. we're not ready for it. So let's look at alternative pathways to get there and see what that does for us.
Speaker 4And that raises such an interesting thing, Stephanie, because I think it's this notion that there's two bits that I've that I've sort of picked up already from you. There's a certain element about managing our expectations as parents, and there's another element about managing our children's expectations. So the sort of I think as parents, we often get sucked into these, particularly when our children are being assessed, even from a really young age, that we forget this notion that our children develop at different rates. So just because they are aged 8, 9, 10, 13, 16, 18, we all peak at different times and our development is at different times. So I think that there's an element, there's a piece about how we manage our expectations. Yes, absolutely. And then there's, can you talk about that a little bit more, Stephanie, about how we can, because I know that when you, we had the podcast episode before, we talked about how there's really subtle things that we do without realising it as parents in terms of how we can just inadvertently communicate things about expecting them to go to university without realising we're actually saying that. So I'm guessing we're doing a similar thing when it comes to tests.
Speaker 5Yeah, absolutely. And I think a big part of it comes primarily when we're with other parents and we talk about the test results. And it starts when our kids are infants. Where are they on the percentile of weight or body size or head size or whatever, right? We have all these things. Are they in the 90th percentile? Are they in the fifth percent that we get worried about? Are they not catching up? And we tend to forget that no, these are just generalities. They're not meant to be specific. This is what you have to do to be a human being that's going to be successful, right? And so I think that conversation starts with our parents and then we get around those parents and we realise, oh, okay, my child isn't like that. Oh, maybe I need to do something different because they're not like that. What do I need to do? And then we start doing. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. All these other things to change the language because they want them to catch up or be like the other kids. And we don't really even, oh, aren't even aware of this. I think it's just part of the culture of what we have. This is a very big comparison culture that we live in. And there's very narrow definitions right now what success is. And I don't think that that's effective at all. I think it's much more detrimental to us as parents and our relationship with our kids. And it's detrimental to our kids unless we can stand up and help them see that is a definition. That doesn't have to be your definition. And I'm going to be here to support you as we develop your definition together. And you get to help me understand what that looks like.
Speaker 4Gosh. And that's so true. God, you take literally taking me back to those days when you'd have conversations with other parents around where they're sleeping through the night. When did they start walking? And when they were able to read and what reading stage without just, you don't realise it's actually rife with it, isn't it?
Speaker 5Right. It absolutely is. I mean, I used to remember thinking my daughter. She's strong-willed like you wouldn't even believe. And she was never like the other girls. She'd be climbing over stuff and jumping into stuff. And all the little girls we sit in there playing dolls and she'd be all over the place. I'm like, what is this? And I thought I have to control her. I have to make her do these things because this is what she's supposed to do. So I'm just as fallible, right? I'm not, my kids went through the same kind of stuff that when I think, oh, they have to be a certain thing until I started paying attention. And this was one of the gifts of homeschooling that I got was I got to be with them and say, oh, you aren't like everybody else, but there's a way for you that you've been designed to be successful. I just have to help you figure out what that is. And I think that's what we can do as parents is really work hard to keep comparison out of our parenting and comparison out of our conversations with our children and instead help them uncover how amazing they are and the potentials that they have to develop into these incredible adults in ways that we may not even understand. But that doesn't mean they won't be incredible and that's kind of that mindset is letting go of success or being a good person has to happen in a certain way in a certain pathway. And that's not true. Can we step back and say my child gets to develop their own pathway? How can I help them figure out how to do that the best way for themselves?
Speaker 4Yeah. And if we're, I guess if we're aware that that comparison, you're so right, that compact, we can be great at just having that conversation with our children and say, you're unique. And you can be whatever you want to do and all of the pathways and being aware that these results don't matter. But the minute we are in a room with other parents talking about these results, you can just sense that kind of, you're getting sucked into that whole discussion, that whole comparison. So I think just being aware and maybe even having a bit of a pact with your other half, if you're parenting together or other friends that just like, don't let me get sucked into it. Remind me before we go that these are the things that matter.
Speaker 5Right. Or even just speaking with your parenting friends, whatever stage you're in and say, okay, listen, how can we start talking about and celebrating how our kids maybe aren't the same? What is so great? Tell me what's great about your child. Let's talk about that. And let's celebrate that without feeling like we don't have that. So we might not be right. And let's celebrate other children who are different from each other because that's how they're supposed to be. And let's make that okay. And we can have that discussion. And I think once we start as adults thinking differently about that, I think the stress level that comes around exams dramatically drops because we're no longer so focused and conscious and pressured by having our kids to have to do really well that they start sensing that and realize, okay, this isn't the end all be all. This isn't my pass or fail test in life. This is just a exam. This is just an example of where I'm at right now, not a definer of my future.
Speaker 4Yeah. And I think children can very much sort of feel the room and the atmosphere and the energy that's there. And if we are not just saying that those results don't matter, but we really feeling it and it's a truth, then they can sense that. And that at least takes some of the pressure off.
Speaker 5Doesn't it? It does. It really does. And you know, the, the best approach here would be if teachers and parents would start using that same language to say, listen, this is a marker of where you are right now. This is not defined who you are or what your life will be like. We're just going to take what we get from here and we're going to move on to see where we can go and what we need to do to help you get wherever it is you want to go, not where we think you're supposed to go. And I, that's a big lofty goal that I have because there's so much standardization built into education for obvious reasons, but just changing that language can alleviate the stress and pressure. And I think that's a really important thing to do. "about this for me," and when you can do that, And again, this is hard for 16-year-olds and 18-year-olds to do. Again, their brains are still kind of developing. But we can watch our kids. We know when they're getting overwhelmed. And we can say, let's take a break. Tell me what you're thinking about right now. Tell me how you're talking to yourself right now. Would you let anybody talk to your brother or sister like this? Or would you let anybody else talk to you like this? Let's change that dialogue and see what it does. So I think that's one of the things that we can do within our home is just that. We can also create the environment that allows for discussion and integration of the material into more than just the test. So if you have a child that wants to take the LSAT or wants to go to university or wants to take the MCAT, so let's have the conversations about medicine. Let's have the conversations about law. Let's have the conversations about university thought processes and discussions. Let's make that part of what you do on a regular basis so it's not this, I have one life over here and then I have to change everything to get into my life to get ready for this test, right? It should be all about, because if you really do want to become a lawyer or you really want to go into medicine, these are things that should be going through your brain anyway. You should want to change the system or affect this or whatever you want to go into that, those industries for. So it should be part of the conversation. And as parents, we can help them talk about that and they're going to roll their eyes because they're 16 and 18 and they really don't want to have anything to do with us. That doesn't mean you stop talking about it. It doesn't. Meaning you don't start pointing things out and let them roll their eyes. That's okay. You don't, they don't have to love what you're doing, but it doesn't mean that you back away because they don't, right? So make that part of your everyday discussion and remind them, huh, you know, there's more than one way to become a doctor. There's more than one way to become a lawyer. Let's see where this goes. And if this doesn't get you the result you want, we'll find a different way to, right? So it's opening up that let's make it real about what you're going to be. And then let's also talk about this is not the end all be all to getting into this pathway. If you really want to go to medical school, you may have to take this test two or three times. Okay. So what doesn't indicate anything other than you just need to have some help working through testing. That's okay. You're still going to be a great doctor. You're still going to be a great lawyer. So I think that's, those are some, some two really big things that we can do without even talking about actual study habits to begin with. Does that make sense?
Speaker 4Yeah, completely. I'm an, I love that making it feel real because actually that's such a tangible thing. If you do want to be, you know, an interior designer or you want to be a doctor or a dentist or a vet, whatever it is, actually, if that's going to become a huge part of your life, then why are we not having those discussions around it and actually helping them live and breathe? And as you say, taking them away from this in this, you know, I'm either a student or I'm sort of trying to become this thing and actually merging those two together. And so I think that's, that's one
Speaker 1of the things that we have to be careful about. And I think that's one of the things that we have to be careful about as well. You put your phone down instead of firing off that text, you say what you actually mean instead of what would hurt someone else the most. And that's exactly what grow therapy is here for grow is therapy that works covered by insurance. Sessions average $21 with insurance and some pay as little as $0, depending on their plan. You just pay per session grow, connects you with thousands of high quality licensed therapists across the U S offering both virtual and in-person sessions, nights and weekends. You can search by what matters like insurance, specialty, identity, or availability, and you can book a therapy session in minutes and begin in as little as two days. Not the national 48 day average. See if you could pay as little as $0 for therapy in seconds at grow therapy.com slash a cast. That's grow therapy.com slash a cast grow therapy.com slash a cast availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan.
Speaker 3The lying awake at 3am wondering what's happening to your body ends now. Midi is virtual. Care built for women in perimenopause and menopause with clinicians who specialize in women's health. Plus it's covered by most major insurances. Midlife needs Midi. Visit join midi.com to book your first visit today. That's join M I D I.com insurance coverage varies.
Speaker 5Yeah, I agree. Because if you think about us as adults, right, we have, we try really hard not to make our identity about what we do. So we need to help our children not make their identity about what they do, but we do get immersed in that learning phase in that training phase. We really, that's all we really eat, sleep or drink is about everything we're trying to accomplish so we can get into that profession. So let's help them start that when they're younger, just because we can talk about it. But it doesn't mean they don't go out and play. It doesn't mean they're not still smart at a sports team. Doesn't mean there aren't doing things with their friends. That's all important. So how can we help them learn that balance and that their identity is not only in this one thing. Yeah, completely. And are there ways,
Speaker 4is there a benefit in trying to help them? What I often find is that you can get children that really are struggling with their confidence, but they may be super confident in something, a sport, for example, how do we, is there a connection? I guess I'm asking. And if there is a connection, how can we help them? So for example, if we have a kid who has a disability and we're trying to help them, for example, there might be skills that they show in their sport, whatever that might be that have some relevance to what they're trying to do in terms of their studying, but they don't necessarily see the connection.
Speaker 5Absolutely. Cause we've done a really great job separating sports from school, right? There are two different things and yet the processes and the determination and dedication that you have to put into both of them are the same, right? We've talked before. My son is a student athlete, even at university, he's a student athlete. He has learned that this, what, how he pours himself into the field and training and practice needs to show up in the classroom because that's who he is. He is this driven kid that knows he has goals that he wants to achieve, but they're not only on the field, they're in the classroom because both of them get him where he wants to go, right? Yes, he would love to pay professionally if he could ever do that, but he also knows when and if that doesn't happen or if it ends, he needs something else. So there, they're not separate. They are combined for him. We can do the same. We can use all kinds of metaphors and analogies to how you train for a sport and how you train for a test. They are the same kinds of techniques, so you don't go into a game without having practiced and gone over things over and over, over plays and whatever that is. You don't go in without having worked out on your own and making sure you're hydrated and making sure that you're eating right. Well, so same as testing. Eat right, hydrate, get the right sleep, get the right training for yourself, not only mentally but physically. Let's do that practice. Let's do that study. And by studying, I don't mean just reading over stuff. I mean getting immersed in this subject. You know, if you want to be a veterinarian, you should probably hang out with pets a lot, right? You should probably be working through what does it mean to have a cat and or have a dog or do with turtles, depending on what kind of that you want to be like, what, what are the symptoms of when they get sick? What, how do you know these should be things that you're doing on a regular basis anyway. So that can be part of the training that you're doing for the big test day, right? Was his game day. And that also includes what else do you need to learn? And so if we can help kids see it's the same. And while the results may also be the same, you may not win the way you thought you were going to win. You go back and you do another game. You go back and you do it again, right? Or at some point you decide, okay, that sports not for me. Great. Maybe this pathway isn't for you. Either. And that's okay.
Speaker 4I love that, but I love, okay. I've just literally had, I mean, as anyone who knows me knows that I am such an Oprah fan. So I've literally had an Oprah aha moment, but this whole idea that actually, when we're thinking about tests, if we kind of reframe it, and I think if we're able, because I think sometimes maybe it's just me, I love analogies and I think it works. The analogy works really well for me, but in essence, the test is the game. You wouldn't just go into a game expecting to be able to perform really well. So the training is not just the revision, but how you immerse yourself in terms of food, in terms of exercise, in terms of nutrition and hydration, but also how you immerse yourself in the subject, which isn't just your flashcards, your mind maps and your essay practice.
Speaker 5Right. I mean, if you think about it, you know, here, American football, they're constantly watching. They're watching game day footage, right? So they go back, they look at the footage that they had. They learn from what they did or didn't do well. They examine and pull apart things well along the pathway of maybe trying to go to medical school. There are multiple markers for you. There's multiple game day footage. You can go back and review. How did you do on your chemistry course? Or how are you doing in your chemistry exams? What are you doing in math? How is that looking for you? Where do you need to go and make some changes so that when you go back and When you get to the big game day, you are as successful you can be and that
Speaker 4and that analogy whilst obviously we're using an analogy in terms of sport your game day may well be if you are in drama school it might be the production if you're a musician it might be the performance but actually it's it's really using language and a framework that our children can understand and they all understand either a performance or a game and that analysis is so crucial yes it
Speaker 5really is and we you know we don't need to separate the two they really don't need to be separate because i do think they enhance one another and people will say kids are in sport develop all kinds of skills which i would agree with but you can't have one or the other they should be together you can't be this amazing football or basketball or whatever star and drop grades and really not be paying attention to your academics they have to go together and so i think as parents even or as students who are listening to this when we're thinking about your future or their futures trying to find analogies for them based on what they know whether it's a performance in in music or ballet or whatever trying to help them tie the two together helps them make solid connections and when they have those connections because they make sense then they understand it like creates for you and like everybody else at that aha moment but we don't always do that we tend to think it's studying is over here and sports and all your other stuff is over here but they're not and very often we can get into our children's brains through their activities that they do outside of school and using those analogies to help them understand the school the school part of their life right now
Speaker 4oh my god that is just so and i'm guessing if we start having those conversations and using those analogies when our children are young then we're beginning that preparation and then it becomes just a language that they use all the
Speaker 5time so let's say you're a young parent listening to this and now you're learning okay let's let's not compare let's call out the amazing differences my child has and let's celebrate that with my group of friends now if we go back to the previous podcast we're talking about what do we see in the world around us in terms of options for careers that they might go into and then let's talk about all of the different ways you can look at a quote test what what what would make most sense for your child when they're thinking about the outcomes of that test or the opportunities with that test how would my child best relate to it rather than this is a test you have to do well in it otherwise you won't have a life that language that fear-based language does nothing for your child but cause anxiety for them and then they go into the test fully anxious and they don't do well because they can't think because there's too much anxiety going on their brain so you've actually just hurt them by saying those things and
Speaker 4actually if we reframe it instead that the test particularly when we're looking at younger children is a way of understanding what might be your best next pathway where are you going to go next where are you going to go next where are you going to go next your strengths then it becomes actually that test is or that game is exploring whether that whether that is right for you or not and how best to then move on and develop with it
Speaker 5right exactly you know and to continue that sports analogy how many times do you play a different position on a field to figure out where you might best fit that's the same when you're X doesn't mean that X is the right thing for you. Maybe it's over here at the W, which is a better fit for you and therefore you'll be happy. So it is about exploring options and not saying it's a one path only placement.
Speaker 4Stephanie, I'm literally every time you and I speak on my mind is absolutely blown because it is just it. You make it makes it you make it sound so simple. But I guess what I'm going to do, I'm going to slightly play devil's advocate because I know there'll be people listening to this who are in the thick of the stress, maybe. So maybe they've not. They now are thinking, great, that's great. Stephanie and Mary Han, thank you very much. Next time I will do that or maybe with the next child. But I'm literally right in the middle of it. Are there any tips that you can give parents that are currently in it now with a super stressed out child?
Speaker 5Yeah, absolutely. In fact, I'll share. I'll lead with this. My daughter, she will be twenty five, twenty five in November. Close my mind. And she left university very disappointed. She didn't it didn't work out the way that she wanted. And she was spiraling and she was panicking. And I don't know what to do with my life. I don't know how to do all these things. And it was through a series of what I call like coaching questions, just asking open ended questions and helping them see when they're being negative about themselves. So, like I say, I'm not going to be good at anything. I don't want to do anything. I don't even want to do so. Well, what do you like to do? What really does make you happy? Well, I like art, but that's not going to make any money. OK, so making money is important to you, but you like art. What other ways does art play out in the world? Where else do you see this in the world besides being a painter? Through that series of conversations, she decided that cosmetology school was her thing. And she's now designing hairstyles and colors. And I can't even tell you what she's doing and she's going to change the whole system and she's going to build a school. I mean, the girl went off, but she just needed that opportunity. But she was in the thick of that stress. Go backwards just a few more years before that. And she was trying to figure out, do I go to college? Do I not go to college? What do I do? Everybody else is going to college. I don't know if I can do well on the test. I can't do the test. I don't know what to do. She would wear herself up so much that we did. We decided to say, listen, this test, it means nothing about your intelligence. I want you to go in cold. We're not going to talk about it. You're going to walk in cold. Now, when I'm talking about the testing here, I'm talking about what's called an ACT or an SAT. And this is what universities and colleges use to help determine whether a student can get into that college or university. So this is not necessarily the MCAT or the LSAT. Although I think some of the same principles apply. But we did say to her, just walk in, just get get a feel for the test. Just see what happens. And she did. And she was able to say to herself, oh, it's not as bad as I thought, because everybody talks about how hard it is and how awful it is. And she just needed to get in there and see it. That's how she operated. So we gave her that opportunity with the LSAT and the MCAT. You might be able to do that. They're much more expensive to pay for. So it's a whole different ballgame. You're thinking those things. So it might not work, but let's back through. Let's say they're in here would be high school. So ninth, 10th, 11th, 12th grade, whatever that looks like between 14 and 18 kind of thing. And so let's say they're panicked. Oh, my gosh, I have to do so well right now because if I don't do well, I can't get into college or I can't do this or whatever. OK, so let's back up a minute and let's ask ourselves, is that really? True. And when you make a kid think about that, is that really true? If you don't do well on this test that you're going to fail at life? Is that really true? They're going to fight you. They don't want to talk about it. They don't you don't understand, mom. You don't understand, dad. Yes, I do. So let's just think about it. And even if you don't go anywhere further with that discussion, you put that seed in their head, right? Sometime you just need to plant the seed and see where it goes. Do you really think that that's going to be the way of your life? It's going to go that if you don't get in, you're never going to do anything in this world? Is that how you're designed? Really ask those questions and whether or not they engage doesn't matter. And then you can do other things like, listen, I know you're stressed about this test, let's go take a break. You need to take a break. Let's go and we'll go, you know, whatever that thing looks like for your kids and you to go do together. Or, you know, worst case scenario, bring in the favorite aunt or uncle or bring in the best friend and say, you got to get him out of the house and away from this stuff. They're going. That's the list reinforcements when you need to. And don't blame yourself. This is not your fault as a parent that your child is like this. It's not. No matter what happened, whatever parenting regrets you may have, they're not permanent. So at this point you can reset, you can start speaking differently. You can change things if you want. There's no permanence in parenting other than whether or not you change. So grow and change and adapt based on what you want. That's what you want to do and help your kids do the same. And I think that's the best way to make it through the thick of it is it's just a season. You're going to be in the thick of it the next season, too. So how do you want to live in this this season so that you can enjoy the next one a little bit differently?
Speaker 4I love that. Did you say challenging just starting by challenging their assumptions and being OK with them not necessarily wanting to then open up a discussion? Because we often we drip feed. It's a lot of information. We assume that just because they've kind of riled against it and they said, oh, you don't understand that they're not thinking about it, but they do. They go away and they think about these things. Oh, they do. They really do.
Speaker 5Especially when it comes from parents. We forget how much influence and power we have in our children's lives. They want more than anything to make us proud, more than anything. Even kids who come from a home that might not be a positive experience, what they really want is for their parents to love them and to make them proud. That's it. So how can we as parents indicate how much we love our children and how proud we are of their accomplishments to date and how proud we are of the potential they have in their future and allow them to explore what that looks like and really, truly believe in them, that changes everything for a child.
Speaker 4Yeah. And I think if there's always this underlying message, which you've talked about, that they have time, that they have space. And there isn't a one only route to almost every career that they can conceivably think of. There are multiple ways to get there.
Speaker 5yep absolutely you know one of the things that I tell a lot of the students that I work with who are not quite sure if they're going to fit the traditional mold and so they've kind of put their dreams on hold or they've kind of put them off or worse they have made it so much about that that they're so tight and anxious they can't figure it out and they don't know if they're going to fail and they're so worried about they don't sleep they don't eat their anxiety levels are through the roof it's ridiculous and I don't mean ridiculous as in absurd I mean it's absolutely mind-blowing ridiculous like how does this happen for a child right so we talk about well do you know that there is these five other ways to get there 95% of the time they've never heard of it in their life they have no idea they had no idea that if you took a year off after school that it gave you a chance for yourself to develop and to explore and there were structured ways to do this so you really weren't sitting on your parents couch watching tv all day that there was a way for you to do this and explore the world and it didn't cost you a ton and you could get all these skills and all this experience like oh I had no idea or if you go to the military and this is a whole hot button hot topic button and I know it but when you think about the skills and the training that you get it's top notch and front lines aren't where everybody goes now this is all different and I'm just going to caveat with that with depending on where your country is at this point right so let's keep that real but one of the best interviews I ever did was with a naval officer who's said if you work on an aircraft carrier it's like working in a small city they need everything from chefs to veterinarians to people who do your hair right they need all of that so why not go in have them pay you and have them pay you to train and you get everything you need plus the experience so when you're out here in the in the United States they get college paid for I don't know what that's like where you are but there's a lot of opportunity and when I talked to teenagers about that they're like I didn't know okay let's talk about community college let's talk about an apprenticeship let's talk about an internship how can that help you and they I don't know that's not their fault we don't how would they know how would they know so how can we help them learn about those alternative pathway and make them all okay because it's what's best for them not what everybody else is doing because they all
Speaker 4end up in the same final place they just you know there's a difference when we look on a map we don't all have to go the fastest route the motorway or the highway route we can all choose a more scenic more enjoyable oh I want to visit these places along the way right I mean
Speaker 5what's the rush do we really think we're going to die at 40 so we have to get everything done before then and you know we have a longer life expectancy than we've ever had in the in the world for the most part depending on where you live so why not enjoy it a little bit more why do we rush at 17 and 18 to have to get into the career right then do we really need to do that is that really the best way for you as a human being to enter into what you want and those are the questions we can encourage our kids
Speaker 4to ask yeah I love that and I think that's probably what we need to end on is this idea about what's the rush let's allow let's give time and know that there's no one route that is better than any other there's just the best route for your child yeah
Speaker 5absolutely and you brought up a really good point you know we have a couple of partners who are like well what do I do about this this is great stuff or this is great Dr. Marianne but what about this listen I don't I'm happy if you want to reach out and ask me your questions please reach out and ask me your questions I don't want this to be a okay that's all but I don't know how to fix this I don't know what to do okay let's talk I don't I don't mind that you can just send me an email if you want it's [email protected] that's easy right and just ask away and let's see we can come up with I pro I don't guarantee I'll have a perfect answer nor do I guarantee it'll be an easy one but I think together we can probably figure Speaker 4something out oh I love that we'll make sure that we share in the show notes um Stephanie's email again just in case because some of you might be keep rewinding to try and get exactly but we will definitely share it in the show notes and also the free podcast resource Stephanie thank you again so much I'm so grateful thank you
Speaker 5you're so welcome I'm so happy to be on here so thanks again for having me back blood donation is now more inclusive more lgbtq plus
Speaker 2individuals are able to donate blood with the American Red Cross due to FDA guidelines that eliminate eligibility questions based on sexual orientation the Red Cross celebrates this historic change and welcomes those who may be newly eligible to donate blood there's a place for everyone in the mission of the Red Cross including you the Red Cross is committed to achieving a blood donation process that treats all potential donors with equality and respect while maintaining the safety of the blood supply join us and help save lives to learn more and make your appointment to donate blood visit redcrossblood.org lgbtq that's redcrossblood.org lgbtq at Harmony Bank
Speaker 6we believe that better happens together we're a local family owned bank built on relationships and personally committed to your success our community bankers are ready to make quick decisions no big bank bureaucracy just a custom approach to help you thrive from business loans to mortgages and everyday banking needs Harmony Bank provides a secure modern experience with a touch of Texas hospitality we're Harmony Bank where better happens together
PodcastTranscript AI