Helping Children Get a Good Night’s Sleep

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Problems getting to sleep, waking in the night or waking early were even more common amongst older children, affecting 38% of 11 to 16 year olds and the majority, that's 57, of young people aged between 17 and 23. To me, it's no wonder we have these hugely rising numbers of mental health challenges with sleep data like this. I want this episode to be super practical and informative so that you can help your child, your teen, if they're one of these children struggling. Let's start though with understanding, I guess, what are the functions of sleep and how much sleep should our children actually be getting. Now, it's widely thought that sleep has three different functions. It helps restore our body. So, whilst we sleep, our body's able to repair cells, muscles, protein synthesis takes place and hormones are released. It's often why our children crash so quickly when they've had a really active day. Another function of sleep is to do with brain functioning. So, sleep allows neurons, neurons and nerve cells to reorganise, which helps consolidate learning and memory. So, when I explain this to children, I always describe it. I'm quite a visual person, so I sort of imagine that it's like an old-fashioned stereotype librarian in Tweed pushing a trolley filled with books as she places them very carefully on the right shelves in the right section of the library. So, that's another function of sleep. And the third function of sleep is around emotional wellbeing. It's thought that sleep helps with emotional regulation. So, for example, the amygdala, which is the area in the brain that's sort of in charge of our fear response, which gets triggered, you know, more typically, not in these sort of days, not from fear, but from stress. And what they found is that the amygdala responds more adaptively. So, in other words, it sort of reacts more proportionally to the situation when we've had enough sleep. And research has also shown that sleep and mental health are sort of inextricably linked. Sufficient sleep reduces the risk of mental health issues and those with mental health issues usually, typically, report having problems with sleep. So, it's a bit of a chicken and egg. So, what we know is that sleep has these three major functions in terms of restoring our body, restoring our brain, and regulating our emotional wellbeing. Now, I'm sure a lot of you are wondering what's the optimal amount of sleep our children should be getting. So, I did a bit of research, and according to the NHS website, three to five-year-olds should be getting between 10 and 13 hours of sleep a day. So, this does include naps. Six to 12-year-olds should be getting between 9 and 12 hours. And 13 to 18-year-olds should be getting between 8 and 10 hours. Now, remember these are guidelines, and they will differ for each child to some extent. But I'm guessing a lot of you have just taken a very sharp intake of breath, as you've probably realised your child isn't getting anywhere near that amount. So, how do we help our children get enough sleep in the first place? So, these are my top five tips. And remember, these will need you to be tweaked and refined for each of your children in each of your families. There isn't a one-size-fits-all solution, just some general guidelines. Because obviously, the scenarios in terms of sleeping arrangements and children's habits, practices, and how things work in your family are going to be different. But these are the general five steps, five guidelines, five strategies that I give time and time again. So, the first one is a really key one, is helping our children, unpack any worries downstairs. And if your child isn't worrying, but has just got a lot on their mind, and let's face it, we all know, we've all had children that have suddenly decided when we've taken them upstairs to bed and we're just kissing them goodnight, that's the time they want to tell us about all the things that have happened at school, all the things that have worried them, certain situations that are playing on their mind. So, it's really important that we create an environment, we create a routine where our children are able to unpack these worries downstairs. So, difficulties generally with sleeping is often because our children are worrying about something. It could be that they're scared of what they think is in the dark. So, this idea that children are afraid of the dark, it's actually what their imagination is telling them is in the dark rather than the dark itself. So, it could be that they're struggling to go to sleep because they're worrying about that, or they might be ruminating over something which has happened at school or during the day. So, they're going, replaying it, almost like a mini video in their mind. Or they're worried about something that's happening or they're worried about something that is going to happen, that idea about anticipatory worry, something that might be happening the next day. Or in a week's time, they might be going on a school trip and they're really nervous about it. Maybe they're worried about a performance that they're going to have to do. Maybe they're worried about an activity they're going to do. So, all of these things typically don't show up until our children go upstairs. And the reason we get that is that our children are so busy during their day. They're doing, they're seeing, they're unpacking, they're playing. And so, their minds and that internal chatter that I talk about so often is that they're worried about something and it's kept quiet because it's busy. It's distracted. So, there isn't any of that conversation. The reason why our children are then struggling to fall asleep at night or having these difficulties is when they go upstairs to their bedrooms, they're suddenly not able to be distracted by anything else. And those thoughts can feel overwhelming. They just have the silence that is in their bedroom. And that's where the thoughts come racing in and then they struggle to fall asleep at night. So, if we can help them unpack it downstairs, in a lot of ways, it helps create a sense of relief. And closes the worries downstairs in a way, allowing that sort of passage upstairs to be untainted and stress-free. One of the other things that you can do when you're helping children unpack their worries downstairs is almost get them to park their worries. What we're not trying to do is dismiss their worries. We're not trying to say that they're not legitimate. But what we're trying to help our children to do is get the worries out of their head, maybe onto a piece of paper, so that they could put them on these pieces of paper, fold them up, and then maybe post them. I often use an old shoebox with a hole at the top. So, they take those worries, they place them on a piece of paper, they post them through the shoebox, and then they park them so that they can then be discussed. If they still feel overwhelmed with these worries, they can be discussed and talked about the next morning. But it's that allowing those to be unpacked and parked downstairs so that when they go up, they're not having those with them. So, that's the first strategy. Help your children unpack any worries downstairs. The second strategy is have a bedtime routine that slows things down a good hour before bedtime. So, what I would suggest that you do is first of all start with an audit of your current bedtime routine and check to make sure you're having not only a gradual downtime, but you are also allowing your child to process what's going on in their head. So, this goes back to the helping our children unpack their worries. Our children have such busy lives and such busy days that often when they, at the end of the day, they do want to just lie down and be glued to some television before it's time to go up to bed. Now, that can be all right in itself, but remember when we're talking about unpacking worries, if our children have been distracted, so they've been glued to the television before they go to bed, they've been relaxed, they've been distracted. If that television then gets switched off and they have to go up to bed straight away, they've had no transition time to unpack any worries because they've been completely and utterly distracted. So, when they get upstairs, all those worries come flooding through. So, we need to make sure that we find a way to allow our children to slow down, to decompress and relax, but we also allow them to process and unpack those worries so that we've had that time to process them downstairs before we go up. So, if that's a really lovely routine that your children have to watch a little bit of television, I'm not saying stop that, but what I am saying is make sure that you stop that and have a period of time where your child can have those thoughts flooding back, can process them downstairs before you start the bedtime routine upstairs so that you're not getting into this television off straight up. And then that's where you'll find the worries will begin to get unpacked. So, the first one is help your children unpack any worries downstairs. Have a bedtime routine which slows things down a good hour before bedtime. And when we're talking about teens, and we're going to be talking a bit more about teens with the next one, it's making sure that technology and devices are switched off as well, a good 30 minutes to an hour before bedtime. And again, this is very bespoke to you, to your family. If you've got a teen that is using social media and there are some things that they need to unpack as a result of that, you might have devices off an hour and a half to two hours before bed. You need to look at what works for your children, but you need to have at least 30 minutes to an hour of complete downtime, non-distracted with other things that can quieten that chatter so that they can process that through. So, the third strategy is there should be no, devices in bedrooms. feel very strongly about this. No one should routinely have devices in their bedrooms overnight. And when teens, including my own, try telling me that they need their phone as it's their alarm, I tell them to go get an analogue alarm clock. This needs to be, this whole idea about devices generally, needs to be set as part of the privileges and responsibilities I talk about all the time when it comes to device ownership. Now for those of you who may not have heard this before or may not have heard me talking about it, let me just explain to you a little bit more so that you understand the reasoning behind this. So I take the view that an electronic device is a privilege. Now I know every child pretty much expects them, and certainly a mobile phone when they go to senior school, but I believe as parents we need to be using this language of privileges and responsibilities. So the idea is with privileges come responsibilities. Our children get to have electronic devices if they use them. Use them responsibly and within the rules set by your household. And one of these rules is that the electronic devices don't stay in the bedroom overnight. That's part of the responsibilities of having it. So if this responsibility isn't honoured, then as parents we are within our rights to withdraw the privilege. Now I know this is easy when we have had the privilege responsibility conversation before we have handed over the electronic device. So if you are listening to this podcast episode and you don't know what it is, please let me know in the comments below. You have yet to give your child an electronic device. I really would strongly recommend that you have this conversation of privilege and responsibility because it sets the tone from the start. If you haven't, we'll be covering aspects of that anyway, so please don't worry. I've got more to say on it. Sleep clinics talk about bedroom hygiene when they see patients who are struggling to fall asleep at night. So our teens and children often use their bedrooms as their safe space, a place where they can decompress from their day. Now this is, it's normal and I have no issue with this. The issue is that the room gets pretty much used as a living room, a TV room, because they often watch films on their laptops, their social media hub, etc, etc. Now I'm not going to get into a discussion about device use. That's a whole separate podcast episode and you can go and find that and listen to that in conjunction with this. But what I will say, however, is that the room, our children's bedrooms, when they are using them for these multiple functions, they need to be dressed and redressed. For its different functions. Let me explain. If our children have been using their bedrooms, for example, as a study, so maybe they've been doing their homework then, and then they move it from it being a study to it being their television room, they're watching a film, and then maybe they then decide to make it their living room. So they're FaceTiming or having video calls with friends. The room has changed its functions multiple times. So it's very much had a very living, buzzy space, which is not conducive with sleep. Sleep hygiene is all about creating an environment which is conducive and helps sort of facilitate this idea of being able to fall asleep in this calm space. So that's not to say that our children can't use their bedrooms for all of these other functions, but what they do need to do is there needs to be a very clear, hard. That's why the State Farm Personal Price Plan can help you save money for the things you really want. when you choose to bundle home and auto. Availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state. Marking of the end of it being a study, a sitting room, a living room, a TV room, whatever it is that that room is, and it shifts from that to becoming a bedroom. And this is where our children need to redress the room. Electronic devices are removed. Studying materials, if they've been using it as a study, so books and things are put away in a bag. Aspects that made it into a sitting room are then put away so that the room then becomes dressed to be a bedroom. And I know this is going to sound a little bit excessive potentially, but what I think is really important is once our children have done that, they need to come out of the bedroom and then re-enter it. So the idea is they're almost, they're walking out of their sitting room and walking into their bedroom. And it is really important that we encourage our children to do this. It's, you know, this isn't just the advice that I'm giving. This is the advice that a sleep specialist would be giving you. And it's the same for adults. We'll have, this episode is very much focused on our children, but the rules of these strategies apply equally to us as adults. So it's helping our children redress that room. So it becomes much more conducive for sleep. So the three strategy we've done so far are we help our children unpack any worries downstairs. We have a bedtime routine, which slows things down a good hour before bedtime, and we have no devices in bedrooms. The fourth strategy is helping our children find their own way to calm. So with the data that we've got that suggests so many children are having problems with sleep and teens and young adults, there needs to be strategies that help our children not only unpack worries and stresses downstairs, but also when they're in their bedrooms in that transition from wakefulness to sleep, helping them find their own way to calm. Now, whether this is a relaxation method, there are so many different apps around, or whether it's a breathing techniques, we need to help them find ways to quieten that internal chatter, that dialogue, that rumination, those videos that they keep replaying in their mind, the conversations about what's happened during the day, the things that they're anticipating, worries from absolutely nowhere, conversations that they might've had with somebody a long time ago that then pop up. It's helping to find their own way to calm. Now, I've said that I'm not, I don't believe that there should be devices in bedrooms. So my personal view is when it comes to a lot of these mindful apps, and I know lots of people use things like Headspace or Calm, I really do not like them having those in their bedrooms. I would much prefer that children use those downstairs before they go upstairs so that the device is not in their bedroom. If you have found that your child sleeps or falls asleep or the calm stories or something similar is really helpful, and they listen to that in their room, and that is your current strategy. My view would be that it's about helping them transition off that and using some of the techniques from the app independently. So you may continue to use those, for example, but then come in and make sure that the device is taken away. But then you help your child or your teen or the young adult sort of contemplate and reflect on what aspects of that are helpful. What is it that it does that helps them relax? And how can they then mimic that? How can they bring some of those, the qualities around that into their own use so that they can do independently? And I'll tell you why that that's so important. Apps and devices are, can be really phenomenal, and they can be really helpful as ways of guides. The danger is that our children then become dependent on it. And in lots of ways, don't have that understanding that they can be agents of change in their own lives, but instead feel that they have to be dependent they need that prop. They're not able to do something specifically on their own. And whilst that can be helpful, well, I've talked quite often about this idea about our quick wins. It gives us a quick win because it's helping our child get to sleep in these moments where we want to make sure that they're supported and they're not worrying. But for long-term success, we do not want a whole generation becoming dependent on an electronic device to be able to fall asleep. We want to help them find their own strategies because what that also means is if they're disturbed in their night, and they wake up, that they're able to then go back to sleep. Much, I guess, in the same way as when our children were young babies, and we talked about this notion of self-soothing, that this idea that we know that our sleep has, goes through cycles. So we go through sleep cycles of 90 minutes. So every 90 minutes, we'll be back in a light sleep. So we want to make sure that our children know how in those moments, should there be a disturbance, a noise, or they get cold or something that slightly wakes them up in those periods of time, that they are able to self-soothe. So I'm not anti-apps. I think they're incredible. I use them myself in terms of meditation and guided meditation. I think they're phenomenal. But ultimately, we want our children to understand that they can be agents of change. They are empowered to make and take action for themselves. And they don't need to sort of disempower themselves and feel that actually, I cannot go to sleep unless I have the ability to do so. Because in lots of ways, that creates the same level of dependency as a child who won't fall asleep unless we're sat with them or lying with them or holding their hands. So we need to help our children find their own way to calm and be accepting that this is going to be a process. You may be fortunate to find a strategy that works for your child straight away and it works brilliantly, but it may be that there needs to be some trial and error. And as I always talk in terms of toolkits and tools, let's help make sure and help our children have multiple ways of finding calm. Because sometimes our go-to strategy may not work on that particular evening so that we've got something else in our armory, something else in our toolkit that we can pull out and try and we can use that will help us. So it's a process, help our children practice these until they find two or three that are their go-tos. So we've unpacked four so far. So we've talked about helping our children unpack their worries downstairs, having a bedtime routine, which slows things down a good hour before bedtime. We've talked about helping our children unpack their about no devices in bedrooms and the fourth strategy about helping children find their own way to calm the fifth and final strategy is a daily practice of gratitude research has shown a positive effect on emotional well-being for children teens and adults when we practice gratitude daily the key here however is that the gratitude must be written down whilst talking about gratitude and verbalizing it does have an effect it's not what we call statistically significant so it doesn't differ from chance enough so that we know it's not that it's powerful but it's not as powerful it could be a random effect so we need to get our children to be writing this down now if you have young children they can still do this it's the i think it's the process of that connection of the thinking and using a physical motion of taking a pen or a pencil to paper that makes that connection so if you have got young children who can't write or can't say anything about gratitude it's a good idea to write a letter to them and say thank you and then you can write a letter to them and say thank you and then you can write a letter to them they can still do this daily practice of gratitude by drawing or marking the paper in some way so the idea is that our children end their day by reflecting on the good which has happened in the day rather than the inevitable rumination over things which didn't go to plan or that they're worried about now my general suggestion is for children under the age of 11 so these are our children that are sort of you know up to sort of year six we're probably best using language of that have either made them happy smile or laugh during the day because it's the same aspect children younger than sort of year seven find it more difficult it's not impossible and again we've spoken about this it's making it bespoke and fitting and tweaking for your family and your children but typically children under the age of year seven find it difficult to understand the concept of gratitude so if you just ask them to write down three things that made them happy smile or laugh so if you just ask them to write down three things that made them happy children who are older so year seven and above we can explain this concept of the practice of gratitude and gratitude is about being grateful and thankful for these small things these aren't huge things about you know getting top marks on a test or being bought something huge it's the sunshine that came out at break time it's the favorite lunch that was served at school it's the friend that asked them to play or the friend that said how lucky they are to have them to play with they are small things it's not just about the fact that they're happy it's about the fact that it's the smile from the teacher the door being held open when you've been clambering and carrying lots of things it's the invitation to a party they are small yet hugely significant things that take that shift that emphasis of the day so that we can remember that those small aspects to the day those small things that made us laugh or smile or kind of had that warm fuzzy glowing feeling in our hearts is what makes the biggest impact and reason why i encourage children to do this at bedtime so it becomes the last thing they think about so instead of scanning through their day as we typically do and we seem to sort of think about all of the things on our to-do list that didn't get done instead we scan our day we look out specifically for all the good things that have happened all the things that have made us smile all the things that have made us happy all the things that have made that huge difference and certainly i found when i've done this in schools the feedback i've had is that it's changed the perspective of people during their day so they're actively sort of looking at their day to think what are the things that i might write down that i'm grateful for and what's also great about this particular practice is if children are doing this in notebooks or in jars and i'll explain about that in a moment it's a great opportunity to see a visual reminder of what are this great stuff all this gratitude in their life all of this happiness and laughter and smiles so what you can do is the two options that i usually recommend are that either you have a gratitude journal that you can then write the in and for those that are interested we have our own dr mary hand gratitude journal just hop over to amazon and if you type in dr mary hand you'll see all our various different notebooks so it's having a central notebook that they just write down the three things that they're grateful for or alternatively you can get them to write them on colored post-it notes or colored bits of paper so they write one thing that they're grateful for one thing that made them happy smile or laugh on each different piece of paper and you put it into a glass jar or a plastic clear jar and what then happens is children can see those various pieces of gratitude or happiness just rising up it's a real visual reminder and it just looks incredible so that when they have those days where things haven't gone quite to plan or they're feeling a little bit low or sad they can reflect back at all of the fun happy things that they've written down previously and it just creates that sense of actually today might not have felt particularly brilliant but when i look at all of these wonderful things all these things i can be grateful for it changes and reframes their day and gives them a different perspective so my five tips let's just recap are helping our children unpack any worries downstairs having a bedtime routine which slows things down a good hour before bedtime no devices in bedrooms and i think as adults we should be modeling this too helping our children find their own way to calm and a daily practice of gratitude so my give this week is a checklist a prompt to remind you of the five key strategies to ensuring your child gets a good night's sleep so head over to my website and i'll see you in the next video free resource library drmaryhand.com forward slash library where you'll find the link to download that sheet all you need to do is pop in your email address and you can get instant access not only to this week's resources but all of the other free resources across all of the podcast episodes as ever if you have enjoyed this episode i would be so incredibly grateful if you could not only follow the podcast but review reviews are so key to helping other families and other parents what i'm hoping are the golden nuggets of information and advice and resources here because that's how other people find us so please do just take the time to pop in a quick review a few a little comment on how useful you're finding this podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love so until next time