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Speaker 2Your Kids podcast. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat, and enjoy the conversation. This is episode 139, and today's episode. Help! My child is in time! I want to talk about this concept of entitlement, as I'm seeing it in lots of places. There's lots of people talking about entitlement. So, I wanted to record this episode. You know, what does entitlement look like? What is it? How might we be inadvertently creating entitled behavior in our children? And how can we raise children who grow up without entitlement? So, let's dive straight in. First of all, what is entitlement anyway? Now, I think we sort of tend to think of, entitlement and being spoilt as almost synonymous. They're the same sort of thing. Now, they are fundamentally different. Because whilst a spoilt child might be given everything they want, from material possessions to concessions, an entitled child is different. An entitled child feels that they deserve something, even though they haven't earned it. Now, whether that's recognition, whether that's rewards, whether that's good grades, whether that's success, friends, money, their focus is very much on themselves. And they often feel that the rules don't apply to them. So, that's broadly speaking, what entitlement is. Now, what does entitlement look like? So, we've got this definition of it, but what does it look like? I'm saying this because you might be able to recognize some of these patterns of behavior in your child. It might not mean that they're completely entitled, but they may be demonstrating behaviors that are consistent with someone who is entitled. So, entitlement looks like when our children have an expectation that things should be easy, or they should come easily to them, or instantaneously. So, not being prepared to work for something. I want it. I want it now. And if I can't have it now, I will give up, or my emotions will run my narrative. So, that's the kind of the expectations piece. Another pattern of behavior that we might see is an inability and an unwillingness, unwillingness to do something. unwillingness to do something. So, this idea that waiting is something that they're just not prepared to do, so that they often then just give up. And then lastly, what entitlement looks like is often a lack of personal responsibility. And this is quite a big one when we're looking at this aspect of entitlement. So, they don't take ownership for their behavior and how it might contribute to things not working. out as they might have hoped. So there's that real difficulty. So that's what entitlement is, and that's what it looks like. What I want to talk about now is how we might inadvertently be creating entitlement before we then move on to this concept of actually how can we create, how can we encourage our children to grow up without some of these entitled traits? So again, I say this with love. I think quite often as parents, we approach parenting, I've talked about this a lot in the newsletter and also in LinkedIn. We tend to approach parenting, our children, from the perspective of what we bring with us from our own childhood. So we can quite often have these really clear, determined views of aspects of the way that our parents raised us, that we are adamant that we are not going to do in the process of raising our own children. And that obviously can be commended in lots of ways. However, we need to be mindful that in our drive and our aspiration and our dream of being that better, more present, whatever kind of parent we're trying to create, in some ways we can overdo things because we felt that things were not done quite right when our parents parented us. So when I talk about how these ways that we can inadvertently create entitled behavior, in my experience, this isn't because we're as parents, we want to do that. It comes from a place of love. It comes from a place of us wanting to correct a lot of things that were not correct from our own childhood, but potentially we don't sit through and think through and reflect until we're so far down the line that we don't recognize some of the behaviors that our children make. And we're sort of feeling overwhelmed and at a loss to know what to do. So just, as you hear these, I'm saying it with love, please don't beat yourself up. We're going to then look at how we can actually start sort of undoing some of these things. So the first thing that we do is acting entitled ourselves. And to be honest, we all do this to some extent. Now I can remember very vivid, the number of times that I have seen parents behave in, maybe you might consider pretty innocuous ways, but it absolutely represents entitlement. And I think that's one of the and remember children are much more likely to do what they see than what we say. So this is when we sort of feel or behave in a way which demonstrates the rules don't apply to us or are different to us. So there's been a, I'm going to share a couple of examples that I've had in terms of my traveling. And one of them is one of my biggest frustrations in airports is when I see, and I think this is a really important one, is when I see a child who's got items in trays, it goes through the security scanner, it comes out the other side. The number of parents that I see who simply remove their items and don't pick up the tray in which their items were held and went through the security scanner, to me is an absolute demonstration of entitlement. And of course, your children are going to see that and they're going to mirror that. Now, obviously, as you can probably tell, I've got a major bee in my bonnet about that because that's an entitlement behavior, but it's also a real clear demonstration of entitlement. And I think that's a really important thing. This idea that everything's been, it's about us. There's no thought to the consequences of anyone else. And it's just manners to pick it up and put it away, not only as a sign of courtesy to those who are waiting for their things, because of course it bottlenecks when you suddenly have all of these empty trays that are not being used, but it's just a sign that actually I understand and I empathize with other people in this situation and how I might contribute to making things a smooth process. That's one example, but we can all, if we reflect truly and honestly, think of at least one thing that we do where the rules don't apply to us. Maybe it's the speed limit. Maybe it's where we park. Maybe it's the way that we speak to teachers, the way that we speak to shop assistants. We will demonstrate this in some way and your children see everything you do and they hear everything you do. So it's being really aware of that. The other thing that I have seen, and this is obviously not something necessary that we'd see, is about how people respect rules when they enter historical buildings or museums. So taking photographs when it says that you shouldn't take photographs, writing on masonry and stone work where you shouldn't or on trees. There's so many of these things. Now, some of these might be big things. Some of these might be small things, but your children are watching. If there are rules and we as parents are not demonstrating an adherence to those, then we are acting in titles and that gives permission to our children to also flex the rules themselves. So that's the first one. I say it with love. Number two, this is ways that we inadvertently create entitling behavior is when we try to be our children's friend rather than their parent. And I say this because so often, again, if we think back and we reflect back, maybe when we were parented, we couldn't communicate with our parents. Maybe we didn't feel heard. And we really want to make sure that we create this great dialogue and this communication and this open two-way process, but we take it too far. And what we don't do is we don't make those difficult decisions around saying no, which we'll talk about in a moment, but we don't make those difficult parenting decisions because we want to be that best friend to our child. Whereas the reality is parenting is about making difficult decisions more often than not. We're not in a popularity contest. We're here with the end in mind, thinking about the adult that we're raising, that's going to be equipped to hold down a job, secure a home, whether that's a rental home or a home that they own themselves, but be able to secure a home for themselves and be able to function as an adult, communicate, collaborate, and all of these things. And when we focus too much on being the friend. rather than the parent, we can create this sense of entitlement. So that's number two. Number three is being afraid to say no. Now that often leads, you know, feeds back into this trying to be our children's friends rather than making the difficult decisions. But we often feel that we can't say no. And particularly when we get sucked into this notion of everyone else is. So everyone else is on Snapchat. Everyone else is getting a mobile phone. Everyone else has this outfit. Everyone else has this item. Everyone else is wearing these trainers. Everyone else is able to stay up late. Everyone else has their phone in their bedrooms. Whatever that might be, we quite often, and I get it because there's a huge amount of pressure and we feel like we're the odd one out in terms of a parent. And there is so much of this, you know, parents feeling forced or having their hands tied behind their back in order to say yes to something. Because the perception is that no one is going to say yes to something. And so we often feel like we're the parent to saying no. But I think we have to really remind ourselves to stay anchored and focused on the end product. What is the adult that we're trying to raise? And how do we then reverse engineer that in the day-to-day decisions that we make? So if I say yes to this, I'm saying no to that. Is that something that is intrinsic and of high value to the adult that I'm trying to raise? And sometimes this idea of being too afraid to say no, simply a real, easy way to deal with that particular issue is to defer a response. Now, I'm sure we've all done this sort of, you know, I'm going to think about it and children come back with the whole, oh, that means you're going to say no. We don't have to make a decision in that moment. We can say that we need to give it some serious thought. We need to contemplate it. We need to talk to our partner. We need to think about the consequences of these decisions that we make. We don't have to make a response in that moment. And often when we give ourselves a bit of time and a bit of space to reflect and to think, we may well make a different decision. So I think quite often we inadvertently create this sense of entitlement because we're too busy saying yes, when sometimes we need to be saying no, or I need to give it some thought. And then sometimes we can come back and it's not a no and it's not a yes, it's a compromise. It's saying, I have no issue with this, but I have an issue with that. So let's find a middle ground. So that's another one is about this idea of feeling too afraid to say no. The last one that I want to talk about, the fourth way that we inadvertently create entitled behavior is when we bribe our children. At Harmony Bank,
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Speaker 2And bribing, there's a whole episode on this in the Bucket Emptying episodes. So you can catch more detail specifically around bribing and how that relates to rewarding. But bribing in essence is driven by our children. So our children behave in a way which we don't want to see more of. And then we reinforce that behavior by conceding and giving in and giving them something, caving in other words, because we don't want to see that behavior. So the tantrum in the supermarket because they're hungry. And so we bribe them by giving them something to eat or whether it's a tantrum because they want a particular thing. So we give it to them. A sullen teenager who's moody about going to a party. So we then, having said no, we then bribe them by saying, yes, but you need to do X. What we're doing when we're bribing is reinforcing this notion of entitlement because it's simply, I won't wait. I want what I want. You're not giving it to me. And therefore I'm going to respond in a way that is going to make things uncomfortable because I'm not happy to sit in my discomfort of not getting what I want. And when we then bribe them by conceding, by giving in, we simply reinforce that entitled behavior. So those are the ways that we inadvertently create entitled behavior. And of course, a natural solution is to simply not do those. So, you know, I'm going to share with you another four ways, but really it's looking at those aspects and saying, so this idea about acting entitled ourselves is really contemplating and reflecting how might I be demonstrating entitlement to my child? And how might I now begin to reverse that? How might I be able to demonstrate behaviors that is lessened, that is not entitled? The next one is, am I reflecting and being honest? Am I trying to be my friend, my children's friend in these particular circumstances? What are those situations? How might I now take a sort of a longer term view and be that parent rather than that friend? Where am I saying yes too often when I know that I really should be saying no? How might I now begin more often or at least give myself an opportunity to reflect and to think? And where am I bribing my child? And how might I unravel that and look for other more corrective, positive ways of getting the desired behavior I want rather than caving? So that's the bit I want to share with you on top of these points. I want to consider these four other areas that you might want to work on. So the first one is just quite simply begin a regular practice of gratitude. Gratitude anchors our children, not in the desires that they want, but actually requires them to reflect on what they currently have, not necessarily in material possessions alone, but what do they have each day that gives them cause to be grateful? The sun shining on a play date, the great book that they read, their favorite pudding at school, whatever that might be. These are small moments, you know, being out at playtime and it not raining, someone smiling at them, a door being held open for them when they had lots of books in their hands. So it's really encouraging our children to scan their day and to really focus on the areas that they can be grateful for rather than what they might typically, a typically entitled child might do, of scan their day and be focused on the frustrations of things that they felt should have gone their way, but did not go their way. So a regular practice of gratitude is a really crucial aspect. The research also is compelling in terms of the impact of a practice of gratitude on positive mental health and emotional well-being. The research does show though, that it needs to be written for the impact to really take its full effect. If you've got very young children that you're trying to raise to not be entitled, then this is really about encouraging them if they can hold a pen and verbalize that they can then draw, and then you can then write the things down for them. For older children, it's simply encouraging them to have a gratitude notebook. It doesn't, you don't have to buy an expensive diary, but it's all bits of paper that they can write down what they're grateful for each day. That's a really good practice. And personally, I think it's a great thing to do before they go to school to actively seek out the things that they are grateful for, but that can be done at any time. But that's the first one. So creating a practice of gratitude. The second one is about praising effort, because this builds resilience. It's remembering what we're trying to do is encourage our children to focus on the process rather than the outcome. So rather than quitting and giving up wanting things to be quick and easy, and why can't I do this? And why can't I have that? It's to be able to see that there's a connection between effort and attainment, effort and that goal being achieved, effort and being rewarded with whatever that might be that they want to see at the end of it. So really praise the process and all of the behaviors that they exhibit around the effort and really not refusing to praise an outcome, but being really selective with any praise that you have around attainment and the end goal, particularly where there has not been any effort. Of course, if you've had a child that's worked their absolute socks off and you've been praising their effort all along and they achieve a goal that really matters to them, by all means, praise the outcome at the end, but don't praise the outcome if there has been little to zero effort in attaining it, because all that does is reinforce that it's all about the result and not not about the effort that you put in. Because when we're talking about building in resilience. It's all about understanding that things won't always go to plan, but if we keep trying and we pick ourselves up and we try again and maybe a different way, that that's where our resilience and our confidence and our capabilities as adults to tackle challenges is then made and reinforced. So we practice gratitude, we praise efforts. And then the third one is about expecting your child to contribute to the upkeep of their home. I think this is where I think a lot of parents will probably resonate with a lot of entitled behavior is our children who simply seem to swan from one room to the next, leaving a wake of destruction, not taking any ownership for the mess they've made or picking things up or making good. We should be expecting all children to contribute to the upkeep of their home. Even really young children. If we create these expectations from the moment our children are moving around and are able to hold their bodies without falling over, they can contribute to laying the table. Cutlery doesn't break. Cutlery can be placed on tables, even if they're not tall enough to necessarily place them in the correct way. Every single child can contribute to the upkeep and to the making good of the environment in which they use. And we should be communicating it that way. Please think twice before you use the word chores. And please think twice before you think about renumerating, i.e. paying your children to do chores or to contribute. Because my view is it should be a fundamental foundational basic that all children are doing. You should not be paying them to make good after themselves, to make their bed, to put their laundry in a basket, in a pile or in the washing room, to have their school bags ready, to tidy away their plates after they've eaten, to say please, to say thank you. It's all of these things that are really crucial to avoiding that element of entitlement. And if we can break the back of that, of this, if you're listening to this and you're feeling as though you're feeling overwhelmed, you don't know where to start, but this really resonates with you around entitlement around the home, start with this one, because this is an app that's going to help you. And if you're listening to this and you're feeling overwhelmed, you don't know where to start, and you're feeling like, oh, my God, I'm going to have to do this, I'm going to have to do this, I'm going to have to do this, I'm going to have to do this, because your children will one day leave home. Your children may go to university or they may go out to work and they may end up sharing a home with other people. And this is a really crucial skill to adulthood in terms of upkeeping a home, but it's also a crucial skill in terms of their contribution to the office that they work within, to the team that they work with as well. So if you are feeling overwhelmed and you don't know where to start, and you're feeling like, my goodness me, my child couldn't be more entitled, it's really resonating, this podcast is really resonating with me, then start with home, because the ripple effect on your clear and unequivocal expectations will be profound across so many other areas. And if you have got a child where you're pretty much running after them and scooping things up and they're not doing anything, then you have to obviously manage your own expectations in terms of if they're used to doing nothing and you're not doing anything, and you're not doing anything, and you're not doing anything for them, then you have to manage your own expectations. And if you're not doing anything for them, then you're not doing anything for them. So, that's number three. And number four is, is it a good idea to have a big ripple effect elsewhere? Encourage your child to take ownership for their behavioral choices and focus on consequences and not punishment. Quite often when we see entitled children, they very much have this view that they can't control their behavior or that things happen and that they have no control. They don't own, they blame anything and everything for something that's happened rather than taking ownership of their part in the outcome of something, whether that's a conversation with a friend, whether that's something to do with a result at school, whether it's to do with any challenge that they face. We really need to be using language around the fact that our children get to choose how they behave. Emotions are things that we all experience and they're perfectly valid. We're entitled to our feelings, whether that's jealousy, anger, frustration, annoyance, irritation, sadness, nervousness, overwhelm. The feeling is one that we want to acknowledge. And we then want to focus on good choices. We do get to choose how we behave. Even if the emotion feels enormous, we get to choose. There are things that we might need to put in place. We might need to help and support our child take those moments before they make that choice. And there are plenty of podcast episodes in the sort of back catalog that you can go through around emotions and other aspects of impulsivity and other things that you can listen to. What we have to be communicating to avoid entitlement is this ownership that my behavioral choice is what impacts the outcome. And so if I choose to do something different, I will get a different outcome. And that really should avoid a lot of this entitlement behavior. So let me just run through these four extra tips and strategies. So the first is a regular practice of gratitude. The second is praising effort. The third is an upkeep of your home. And the fourth is around encouraging your child to take ownership, really crucial for their behavioral choices. Now, my give this week is going to be the inadvertent behavior, as well as the four extra things that we can do to avoid entitlement in our children at all. So we're going to have those as a quick checklist for you to be able to use and refer back to. So you can work out and prioritize which is going to be your top priority in those. As you go through this, I'm going to give you a few tips and strategies that you can you can head over to my free resource library, drmaryhand.com forward slash library, where you'll find the link to download the resource. All you have to do is pop in your email address and you'll get instant access, not only to this week's resource, but all the other free resources across all my other podcast episodes. As ever, if you have enjoyed this episode, I would love it if you could follow, rate and review this podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love. So until next time. Take care.
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