Karina is sitting behind a small stage in Munich and preparing for her performance.
Here she will take part in a live show of her podcast.
And then her cell phone vibrates.
A short message, just before our podcast live show.
That was great.
He knew exactly why I went to Munich and did it one or two hours before.
Where everyone really thought I wouldn't be able to do that anymore,
because I was so disappointed.
The man she fell in love with is done.
Out of nothing, by news and without big reasons.
I called him, he also went in.
He also had a little phone call with me.
That was even relatively long, I think.
I was just in my movie.
But it was always like this.
It doesn't work, it doesn't work, I can't do it.
And we'll talk personally again.
Nothing will come out of talking personally.
In the following weeks and months Karina now experiences something
that most of us know.
Love coma.
It went into absolute nonsense.
So bad, I never had that.
Karina continues to try to master her everyday life.
But it doesn't always work.
For example, she can't work in front of coma for some days.
And then he somehow blocked me on a Monday morning.
I noticed that.
And then I had a meeting with my colleague.
And then they realized that something was wrong.
And they said to me, come on, do it for free today.
That's not everything.
You can do everything tomorrow.
So there were days when I really just fell out.
Love coma is a feeling that every person has to go through sooner or later.
Also the people behind this podcast.
I remember, for example, at my last separation.
I remember, for example, at my last separation.
I was stupid afterwards.
I cried a lot, talked to friends and often felt alone.
Have you ever had a really bad love coma?
That's what I ask our reporter Anna Scholz,
who has researched this episode for us.
Yes, also more often.
I often suffer, not for a long time, but very intensively.
It takes me a few weeks, really, really bad,
so that I can't eat and can't sleep.
So I just feel really bad physically.
So a really bad love coma can really be one of the most painful experiences
that you can make.
But how do I get over this pain?
And what actually happens in our body when we make a separation?
This is the withdrawal of a drug, the drug partner.
I am Lisa Sophie Scheurel and you hear Wissen Weekly.
The podcast that provides you with brain food
and gives you solid arguments for the next discussion
at the family table or at the WG party.
For this we study, talk to experts
and the people who really deal with it.
Today we explain what helps against love coma.
No one has seen it in my known circle.
We all thought it would be my new boyfriend.
This is Karina again.
I live in Cologne with my two dogs, as a single mouse.
Karina is 30 years old and works as an engineer and content creator.
In early January 2020 she met someone.
And it was a complete hit.
I really thought it was so crazy.
I never had such an encounter before.
You can see, you feel so close to each other.
So in any way.
You have to imagine this.
Karina has been single for years, has dated a lot
and has been disappointed even more often.
And now there is finally someone
with whom it seems to fit on all levels.
I thought there would be crazy soulmates all at once,
even though I am actually not that spiritual.
The two spend intense months together.
She starts to introduce her girlfriend to him.
He tells her that he has fallen in love with her.
Karina is on cloud 7.
And then she gets this one message from the beginning of the episode.
This separation is for you the drop that brings it almost to the past.
That was really, I thought, finally this stupid date
with the ones who don't know what they want.
Finally it's over and you've always found out where it clicks.
And then that wasn't it.
It's just the one too much.
And even if there is no long-term relationship here.
It can feel just as bad.
I think it's really bad when it's sometimes so small.
But is that really the case?
Does it matter how long the relationship was for the sweetheart?
I somehow think that he has to make a difference.
But the definition of a sweetheart is very basic.
So a negative emotional reaction to romantic return.
That's Professor Henrik Walter.
I'm from the house of psychiatry and neurology, but also a philosopher.
And I work as a researcher at the Charité in Berlin.
And it's actually like this.
The sweetheart is not interested in how long you've been together.
Or whether you were together at all.
Because what happens in our body is actually the same.
Henrik Walter shares a sweetheart in three different ways.
One is after separation. We all know that.
The second is the unrequited love.
And then there is also a sweetheart in a relationship.
That he is dealing with a sweetheart as a researcher at all.
It also has to do with the fact that he knows the feeling himself.
A sweetheart is something that happens every time.
And I don't think that's different.
And that's a form of science to deal with such things.
To write about it, to think about it, to talk about it.
I personally helped him to understand
what happens to a sweetheart on a physical and mental level.
And who knows, maybe it also helps one of you.
And that's why we'll take a look at the whole thing now.
Henrik Walter has four main symptoms of love at work in 2021.
The first one is the symptoms of depression,
despair, hopelessness, sadness, despair, etc.
The second one is physical symptoms.
You can't sleep anymore, you can't eat anymore.
You don't have any hunger anymore.
The third one is self-doubt.
You doubt yourself, your value, your meaning.
And the fourth one is anger.
Of course, anger is often against your partner.
In court it's only the ex.
Especially if you weren't left out.
Of course, it doesn't mean that you have to experience all these symptoms.
But they are all normal.
And with Karina, it starts with self-doubting.
At the very beginning it was really like that with me with the doubts.
I think I've never said "heh" in my life like at that time.
I didn't understand anything.
She's always stuck in thoughts.
She asks herself if the connection she felt before was real at all.
I thought I lost the understanding.
In addition to the doubts, the feelings of sadness and hopelessness spread.
And then it really went further and further into the negative.
I know one more situation. I did a home office in Berlin.
I don't know what happened there.
And I cried bitterly from my laptop.
And I thought, I have to work here and I have to do things here.
But what's the point?
I didn't see the meaning at all.
I thought, where does everything actually feel?
And Karina also knows physical symptoms.
But not after this separation.
For example, with my ex-friend, where there was a relationship at the end.
I felt it differently.
I was really hard-broken there.
I thought, my heart hurts.
I was really convinced.
Now I have broken heart syndrome.
I mean, I was even at the cardiologist back then.
I think I did long-term EKG.
The broken heart syndrome, i.e. broken heart syndrome, is really there.
Cardiologists estimate that several thousand people in Germany are affected every year.
With strong emotional experiences, which also counts as a really bad love coma,
a flow of stress hormones can restrict the heart function.
Symptoms, chest tightness, heart pain, breathlessness and guilty feeling.
Doctors therefore also cause heart failure.
It can be really dangerous and even deadly.
But if you discover it early, it can often be treated well.
So it is important that you explain it medically,
if you have the feeling that your heart is breaking, literally.
But not only our heart is sensitive to love coma,
but also and especially our brain.
That is of course one thing that interests me, because I am also a brain researcher.
About 15 years ago, several studies came out in the USA
that examined what happened to freshly separated people in the brain.
They were loved and freshly separated people,
images of their partner or ex-partner.
After that, the brain activity was evaluated.
There you can find two things in the love coma,
a transplant and maybe a more surprising one.
The transplant is a region in the brain activity that is similar to the so-called pain matrix.
That means regions that you also have in pain.
That is to say something like a mental pain.
No matter if you broke your leg or made a connection with your partner,
the same region is activated in the brain.
You don't build your suffering.
And I think that doesn't help, maybe paracetamol against love coma.
So to suffer from seoul pain, be it pain or alcohol and drugs,
they are usually not good ideas.
Okay, fair.
But what are good ideas? We'll get to that later.
But let's stay in the brain for now.
Something else is happening there.
The second thing you can find is activation of the reward system.
And let's go first. Why is that?
Yes, I'm also asking that.
The thing is, in these studies,
most people are shown images of their ex-partner.
And that's exactly why the reward system seems to react.
And it resembles the brain of a thirsty person who sees his drug.
So if you have a request for something,
the reward is craving, this desire, demand.
And you know at the same time that you can't have it.
Yes, that hurts.
These investigations have been repeated several times in the meantime
and the results have confirmed themselves.
But in order to really understand that,
we first have to know what happens in the brain when we are in love.
And that has been explained to me by our reporter Anna Scholz.
So when we are in love,
the networks in our brain become particularly active,
which let us feel motivation, joy and so intense positive feelings.
And it can be similar to a desire.
For example, the neurotransmitters and hormones,
dopamine, oxytocin and serotonin play a role.
Dopamine ensures that we see ourselves after our relationship.
Oxytocin supports the bond and the feeling of closeness
and serotonin stabilizes the mood.
So it's a real happy cocktail.
But when such a relationship then ends,
this whole reward system suddenly breaks together.
And that feels like a kind of withdrawal for many people.
Henrik Walter says,
"Who really has bad love,
has to deal with it as with a desire."
That's why one important tip is to follow up.
In the past, it was said not to see anymore,
not to meet anymore.
Nowadays, you wouldn't be able to see anymore,
not to look at the status checks,
not always looking at the old photos.
That's an essential part
in order to solve such a desire mechanism.
So radical contact break.
It was also with Karina,
but in extreme form,
because she was blocked without a real clear conversation.
And with that, she went really bad.
You can't talk about a normal love coma anymore.
But for me, it really went so far down
that I was in depression then.
In fact, an acute love coma can't be distinguished
from the symptoms of a depression.
Henrik Walter says.
And when does the point start
where a normal love coma
goes beyond a sick and depressed state?
It's very difficult to determine.
You can distinguish it at first
by the external circumstances.
There is a clear solution to the love coma
for the symptoms.
And usually, it is episodic.
That means the symptoms
take off again in the course of time.
But Karina goes deeper and deeper.
Because I had the right problem.
I didn't have the right feeling anymore.
I was just empty.
Everything felt the same.
Karina was already in therapy
before her love coma
and had the necessary support
to deal with depression.
And generally, if you have the feeling
that you can't get along with your love coma,
then you need help.
Because even if the word "love coma"
sometimes sounds so harmless,
it can have dramatic consequences
like with Karina.
Okay, a short recap.
Love coma can cause both physical
and mental symptoms
and is often similar to depression.
With the difference that it has a clear solution
and usually only takes a few weeks to months.
Because during the love phase
in a lucky cocktail from dopamine,
oxytocin and serotonin bath
and which suddenly falls away
during a separation,
it is also legitimate to compare love coma
with drug addiction.
I am just wondering
about all these depressing
and somewhat scary facts.
Can I somehow prevent love coma?
Is there something like heart-ache prevention?
It is difficult to prevent love coma.
You can also say that love coma is the price
that we pay that we are in love with.
At this point, I think you are right
that Henrik Walter is also a philosopher.
So you can't really prevent this.
Unless you no longer have any relationships
and that would be a bit of a shame.
Nevertheless, there are things that we can do.
The love coma is the worse
the more central relationships in my life are.
That means, when I see the whole sense in life,
only in the relationship and then it breaks away,
then my life is at stake.
I have to say, to express it a bit drastically.
True, but...
And if I don't want it to happen to me again in two years,
then I should set up other pillars of my life,
or pillars of meaning.
That means, what are they?
Well, the classic family, friends, hobbies,
meaningful work, commitment,
activities.
And then, if the one arrow breaks away,
then I can still do the other one.
Then you still have to go through this withdrawal,
but you can get up.
You can feel love and trust in other non-romantic relationships
and distract yourself.
That definitely makes it a bit easier.
Another prevention tip would be
to be prepared for particularly turbulent times in your relationship.
There are months in which you should be very careful.
What do you think, at what point in the year
end most relationships?
Wow, good question.
I would say, to be honest,
I think a bit in the early summer,
because then people come into such a flirty mood.
I'm talking to my colleague Anna again.
But if you ask me that already
and we record the episode in November,
I don't know if my answer is right.
Why don't you do that for the first time?
There is actually the unofficial Breakup Day.
What?
And it is on December 11th.
How, please, why is there an unofficial Breakup Day?
So, now you know why you hear this episode in December.
No, seriously.
The unofficial International Breakup Day
comes from a Facebook data evaluation from 2008.
There it came out that most of the changes
of the relationship status were made
statistically on December 11th.
We can't say how solid this number is today.
But we asked the psychologists and partherapists
Marcia Schmidt-Hauberg what she thinks about it.
What I can definitely confirm is that
in December everyone really needs at least one appointment.
And that in November the time when I often say
Christmas is in front of the door, there are topics.
And then it's pretty quick, oh yes, and then a lot comes.
So, she watches in her practice in Hamburg
that the December can be a difficult month for many couples.
How do we actually spend Christmas?
Your family, my family.
Most of the time it's all about being important to you.
Take back your view on me.
I feel like I'm seeing you.
You could say there are a lot of conflicts.
That's why it makes sense that there are a lot of separations.
It can also be the case that at the end of the year
you see a balance and at the end of the year
it doesn't go any further.
But to be honest, I personally don't know anyone
who left on December 11th.
It is, why so often, very individual.
But there is also that famous "perflict seventh year".
That in the seventh year most relationships are broken.
Is there something to it?
In fact, the most dangerous relationship is the first year.
Really?
So most, 60% of relationships don't work on the first day of the year.
Okay, so people who came together this year in January.
On December 11th.
On December 8th.
Yes.
Well, the first year is actually a learning phase.
That you notice more often.
That may not fit somehow.
It makes sense.
But also in longer relationships
there are times when you should be attentive.
The partherapeutin Marcia Schmidt-Hoberg says.
What I care more about is the time when, for example,
a family is founded.
It can also be something like a big move
or a big professional reorientation
or just difficult events like loss or something like that.
That it is more strongly required.
But when that happens exactly, you can of course say it's hard to predict.
That's why you can't prepare for a specific point of time.
But of course it helps, together with the partner or the partner
to put in big life events.
So let's get together again.
You can't protect yourself completely from love.
But you can do things so that it won't get so bad the next time.
The most important thing is not to build up your whole life
to build up your relationships.
But when it actually comes to that and you separate,
then you might ask yourself the question
how long do I need to get away from the person?
When will that be good again?
In the end, I would have a very stupid snack.
I know it from my grandmother.
Love is so long that it takes as long as you need it.
Sometimes it takes two weeks, sometimes it takes two months.
Often it takes even longer.
How long love is taking now is totally individual.
No surprise, right?
But we don't want to put anyone under pressure with specific numbers.
Instead, we want to give you a advice on how to get through this pain better.
Before we look at the tips against love coma,
please write in the comments what helped you with your last love coma.
But how do you deal with it now?
If it really is really bad, what does science say?
Contact break in the first line.
If it's possible to make a cat for the first time,
it doesn't always have to be like that.
But you need distance, just like in a train.
I'm still drinking a sip, just like that.
That doesn't work.
That has already been explained to us by research scientist Henrik Walter.
First of all, it is also important to clean up all the objects
that remind you of yours or your ex.
So just don't keep snubbing on your hoodie every day.
This first step of the train is certainly the hardest at the beginning.
You can really thank you at your heart's center of reward.
But I'm sure you can do it.
Just like Karina.
Your way out of love coma starts at your level.
She has been suffering there for months
and is talking again and again about the topic with her therapist.
I think she also had a point that she was doubtful
and didn't even know what to do with her.
And if you are a therapist and the therapist doesn't know anymore about one thing,
that has done a lot with me.
I was like, "Shit, sir, it's really over now."
That was really a wake-up call.
Karina is sure she has to change something
and breaks up with her everyday routine.
In the summer I took a vacation
and then I talked to my boss and took a little longer vacation
and just took me completely out of the mood for the first time.
I just changed the external conditions
that you can change so quickly.
That I'm not in this everyday routine
that I think every day, "I'm a very poor sausage."
A really good idea is also found by the therapist Marcia Schmidt-Hoberg.
What often helps, but you just have to have the possible frame conditions,
is to get out of the situation briefly.
And in the ideal case, is that something like driving away at the weekend?
So, tip number two, get out of the situation.
And for Karina, there is also a situation in which she notices for the first time,
"It's going uphill."
I was with Lissabon and with my favorite colleague.
We ate something in the evening.
There was such a nice place.
We really just ate and there was some live music.
And nothing happened to me.
There was a good weather and a few palm trees.
And I thought, "Nice here."
I took my surroundings back so well and how nice it is.
Karina feels something again.
And above all, she feels something positive.
If you continue to help, you also have the controversial classic.
In fact, a little summer romance with me.
It's not the best advice now, so to speak.
Come on, then you take the next one.
Especially if you're not even ready for it.
Then it's definitely for the next person.
For me it was like this now.
I told him in the beginning quite openly,
"I don't know how ready I am somehow."
There is no relationship from romance.
But Karina is doing better.
Therapeutin Schmidt-Roberts says to this tip.
If it stays with the flirt, it doesn't hurt.
Sometimes you can regulate it for a fleeting moment on your own.
Immediately start a new relationship.
It's something that usually doesn't last long.
So tip three is only to recommend a limit.
If you do something like that, please communicate well
and be open to your opponent.
But what Karina then pulls final from her depth is something completely different.
She is reporting for a half marathon.
I say the whole time this marathon training healed me.
And of course that's not the solution.
It's not the therapy form.
But love coma is still a really good tip, isn't it?
If you have a hobby, of course it is blessed.
The easier it is, the better it is.
So everything that I can think about a little bit differently
can help.
And that's exactly what happens with Karina.
I didn't have time for the stupid thoughts.
I didn't have time to go on a stupid date or something.
I didn't have time to go on a stupid date or something.
So, hobby search or operate, tip number four.
For Karina, this has the additional use
that she now has a goal to work on.
There is again a kind of structure.
And "structure" is the keyword for Marcia Schmidt-Hoberts next tip
against love coma, tip number five.
Even if it doesn't feel like that at the moment,
but it still seems like a structured day-off.
Probably trivial things like eating healthily,
a little bit of sports.
If you are an absolute sportswoman,
just go out for 15 minutes a day, fresh air,
get up in such small rituals.
These are now mostly the classic and expected tips.
Break contacts, distract hobbies,
get out and have a certain structure.
But I would like to go through two more rather unusual tips
with Marcia Schmidt-Hoberts, which you always listen to.
First of all, create a shit list.
So write down all the things you never liked about your ex
or what annoyed you.
Intuitively, I would say, you can't get up there
very quickly into such a mess.
On the other hand, of course, there are also people
who have really difficulties at all in order to get into the annoyance
and the anger.
And maybe it can help a bit.
You know that for sure.
If you are sad, you often feel lazy and restless.
The anger can help to get back into action,
but only if you don't already get into the anger.
If I know from now on, I am anyway such a wuss
and get into such an aggressive avalanche very quickly,
then I wouldn't recommend it.
Okay, fair.
The next one is a classic.
Something symbolic to do.
For example, cutting off the hair or stroking the apartment,
I think it's a bit cliché, but...
I think these things do well because you get into the activity.
And as long as it doesn't go into self-defense or foreign defense,
I would say definitely do it.
This answer from a therapist has definitely surprised me.
I don't know if I would recommend it now,
to cut a pony in effect.
Yes, at least not impulsively cut the pony alone.
Well, okay, we are at least agreed on that.
Better let one person do it, who at least has an idea.
And also researcher Henrik Walter has another tip.
These all exhausting feelings that you feel,
sadness, shame, anger, they also have to come out somehow.
But maybe not around the clock,
because some of us still have to work.
What can help, he says, is to clean up extra time
in order to give in to the coma or the doubts.
If it's about a day, then you say,
I would now sit at the best and say,
no, I can do that tonight.
Tonight I will not see myself.
Now I have to do something else first.
It is definitely helpful to get these thoughts out of your head.
In the conversation with friends, for example,
or by writing them down.
And if that doesn't work,
or no one can really ponder your pain,
then look for the best professional help,
with a therapy.
Or get yourself a house doctor or a house doctor.
We wanted to find out in this episode,
how to get out of love coma.
And that's not so easy at all.
Because love coma works like a retreat.
That's why it's completely normal,
when it's really bad after a separation.
That's too deep a human experience.
The good news is, love coma is usually
something episodic.
So it also goes by itself again.
To get through it easier,
there are many expert-in-approved tips.
Here again in the quick run.
If possible, break down contact.
Remember, clean up, trust friends,
keep the structure, move out,
go out, do something symbolic,
create a shit list, write up feelings
and maybe start a little innocent flirt.
Generally, you have to say,
love coma completely prevents.
But the risk is often valuable.
Also for Karina.
I love love.
I hope you never get broken.
I'm always looking forward to the new,
when feelings for someone come up again.
Or a flight of feelings.
If you don't want to miss the next episodes,
then follow our podcast on Spotify
and activate the bell.
After the break, we answer your community question
about love coma, so stay tuned.
Next week we will talk about
ballast substances and how many we really need.
Well, I already had the feeling
that I'm always full, but not so really fat.
If you have questions about the topic,
please write them in the comments.
Then we will answer them at the end of the next episode.
I'm Lisa Sophie Scheurel
and thank you to everyone who spoke to us about this episode.
Prof. Dr. Henrik Walter from Charité Berlin,
Marschia Schmidt-Hoberg and Karina.
If you want to send us feedback or praise us,
you can do so by email at
[email protected].
We look forward to your post.
Wissen Weekly is a production of Spotify Studios
in collaboration with Kugel and Niere.
Executive producers Daniel Nikolaou and Michael Badlefski.
Audio production Hammer und Amboss.
Redaktion Anna Scholz, Lea Dakovsky
and I, Lisa Sophie Scheurel.
Creative producer Nadine Raba.
Line producer Saarol Krause-Jensch.
Hi, here is Lea from the Wissen Weekly team
and you could ask us questions about this episode
in the comments last week.
For example, Marschia asked,
"When is it okay to date someone again?
How long should you take a break for yourself?"
The answer is, of course, as often.
It is totally individual.
Experts advise, however,
that you have already gained distance
from the old relationship.
So, above all, emotionally.
And when that is the case,
it is different from person to person.
But according to an elite partner study from 2021,
people in the average need about a year
to pass love coma.
The psychologist Paulette Sherman says, for example,
that a person is then ready for dating
if she is also ready to reflect
on the ended relationship.
If the real love coma is over
and you are actually looking forward to
getting to know new people
and not just going on dates to get rid of them.
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