he has no idea we're getting married, oops!

[Music] This episode of Everybody has a Secret is brought to you by the new Samsung Galaxy S26 Ultra with inbuilt privacy display Galaxy AI and their impressive nitography video. [Music] Hello! Hello! Oh my god! I was thinking on the video we need to bring more music onto the show. That we just did! Welcome back to Everybody has a secret. My name is Charlotte White and sitting opposite me is my gorgeous co-host Annabelle Leigh! Hey, Shushu! Hi, Belly! And of course the one the only producer rose. Hello! How are we today guys? Hi, we're perfect! Belly, you received an interesting DM to say the least. And it kind of sparked a little conversation that we were like, oh, annoyingly we have to sidetracked this for the pod. This happened a couple of weeks ago. I believe it was the weekend of Ye old Valentine's Day. What a day. So on the Valentine's Day I believe it was a Saturday. I was looking through the A-Hast podcast, Instagram DMs. And I stumbled upon a DM from a listener I will call Sally. Sally! I just wanted that. And she had DM'd our podcast at 2am the night before. Oh, like 2am. 2am the morning of Valentine's Day. Yeah. But her night of Valentine's Day, the Friday. Totally. So I had just thought she had on Valentine's Day gotten a bit tipsy. Yeah. Which wouldn't be a rare sighting in the A-Hast-DM's as well. Yes. And she decided to message her her favourite podcast I'm putting words in her mouth. Can I just read you the DM please? Again to refresh your memory. Go for it. She says, hi Shushes. My secret is that I matched with a guy on a dating app. We spoke for a bit then moved it to Instagram. I noticed that he and Belly followed each other. And I'm not going to lie. That was the main reason I kept talking to him. Because I wasn't completely fully attracted to him. Oh God. It's because he. Oh my God. So she keeps going. He ended up screwing me over after two months of properly dating. I'm talking thrifting dates, lunches, dinner dates. He said when he broke up with me that he just wanted something casual. So a tip for these Shushes. If a guy you like follows and is followed by someone you like/admire, it doesn't mean they're going to be a good person. So this was quite a stressful message. I immediately started like sifting through my brain. Who of my male friends would do something like this? I think no one. I think all my male friends are Jim. Yeah. Also a lot of them are already in relationships. Which is why I decided to message back and ask if you're comfortable. Yeah. Can you tell me this person's name? And I was like, I won't drag them on the pod. And then she replied instantly. I'm like, feel free to drag them. I'm going to drag him. He's saying this blah blah blah. I love this Shushie. I was like, thank fucking God. I don't really know this man very well. We went to opposite high school. Across the road from each other. Probably exchanged two words. Right. Forgot that you even followed him. Yes. And I didn't like talking to boys when I was in high school. They freaked me out. I went to an all-girl school. Yeah. And like boys still freak me out. Yes. They're freaky. Except for my boyfriend. And so it got me thinking, isn't this an interesting universal dilemma? If you're in the dating scene and you have mutuals with someone, do you take that as like a ticket approval or do you like want to go digging for more vetting? What's the situation when you have mutuals with someone? I just, oh, when you take it off hinge, for example, take it off hinge and then you take it to Instagram and then you see like the three mutuals lined up back to back to back. I'm just like, oh fuck my tongue is live. Because I'm like, this is now so embarrassing. Oh, now we have to talk about how we know these people. And then when I see this person, I have to be like, oh, so you know blah blah. Yeah. We went on a day like, you know, why don't I have to? But obviously I will. So I'll be curious about what other people think of them. Would you ever in any world not say anything to the mutuals and just like sus the first day? Yeah. I would. And would it make you more inclined to go and sus the first day? Having mutual friends? Yes, it would. Depending on the mutuals that follow them, I'm like getting a gauge of whether they're cool or lame. Do you know what I mean? Uh-huh. Rubes, what about you? What about you, Rubes? I was talking to someone in the dance a while ago, not recently. And the one mutual we had was Louis Hansen. And I messaged Louis and I said, do you know who this person is? Like I tried to bet and he never replied. Oh, I don't believe that being less than you. You have a lot of power in this situation. And to this sushi salad. I mean, she told me to drag this man. And I don't know I'm well enough to drag. Yeah. And I'm in no business of dragging people. She's love. But Sally, if you would come to me in confidence and said, mm-hmm, be real with me like, what do you think? Yeah. I would have been honest. Yeah. And maybe hurt on the side of caution. This also happened to me once actually. A couple of years ago, I went on a few dates with someone where we had a few mutual friends and one of them was someone from my social circle. And I was like, oh, who's this guy? Like, should we, should I go on a date with him? And she was like, oh yeah, he's a sweetie. A few dates later, things kind of, not nothing dramatic happened. But I just realized, oh, this isn't the guy. And then cut things off. And I was like, yeah, so this happened. She was like, oh yeah, he's a freak. And I was like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Oh, yeah. Thanks for the context. No, okay. I have also a recent story. So the first date I went on after my like long-term relationship ended. It was like immediate, friendly kind of vibe. So I was like, oh my god, I did it my first date, like whatever. I didn't really go anywhere, this like thing that we had. And that was totally fine. Because I was like, yeah, a new friend alert. That's awesome success. Yeah, dating app success story. We love to hear. So rare. But I caught up with her the other week. And like, I took our mutual friends as a tick of approval. But the other week when I saw her, she was just like, I lied about the extent to which I know him. I actually, I've actually slept with him. I know he's like, girl, the email in the date. He's like, you're a mutual friend. He's slept with our mutual friends. And I was just like, girl, tell me the tea. She wanted to get closer to you and thought that would be a roadblock. True, I know. But I was like, if we do have mutual friends, like put it all on the table. Yes, yes. It's such an interesting thing, for example, with Sally. She also said in her message when I asked for more like, who is this guy. She was like, oh yeah, he spoke about you on the date and said that, you guys went to high school together. And I was like, oh, we don't like let's not be lying. And I'm like, no, we don't like this. Yeah, come on. And I was like, oh yeah, I do know him not very well. And then I told Sally, I'm just going to unfollow and solidarity. Because I don't know. No, because I necessarily hate this guy. And also, there could be, let's just speak on his behalf. Or like, to speak on a reality that could also exist. Yeah. Sally, I love you. And you are a Shushi forever. You're our friend and family. Of course. But there could be a reality where like, this guy almost says, this guy just went on a few dates and then realized he didn't feel a spark or something. Yeah. Maybe he phrased it weird and like said, I just want to be casual. And it's like, okay, why'd you take me on a thrifting date then? That's totally fair. Like, that's, come on now. Yeah, don't be doing that. Yeah. But like, maybe he didn't mean to be an asshole. Just putting that out there. He's putting that out there. I did unfollow him. So, no, yeah. Clearly, you know who's side I'm taking. Yeah, good. Wow. Okay. Okay. Okay. If you guys have any stories like that that involve us in a really fun, non-serious way, I'd love to hear it. I'd love to hear them talk to your friends about it. Let's see what everybody says. Yeah. Rubes, I hear we've got three secrets to get through today. But first, a quick word from today's sponsor. Yeah. Okay. Shushi, you're in a full blown relationship with your phone. You haven't even tried to pretend you're not, but honestly it's same. We all use our phone from the minute we open our eyes until the minute we fall asleep, blogging our day, replying to emails, editing content, taking photos, and texting the group chats. Just so many group chats. Well, Samsung have released the new Galaxy S26 Ultra and it's basically made for us. First, there is a massive screen ideal for working or streaming your hyper fixation series when you're on the go. It even has an inbuilt privacy display that you can manually turn on so your family, colleagues, and literally everyone on the train can't see what you're up to. It's got a seriously impressive camera too. You can even capture amazing photos and videos at night. But Shushi's a quick disclaimer for these features results me very due to the lighting conditions. And I can't not mention the AI because frankly this phone is from the future. Galaxy AI makes even your busiest day so effortless. It will be your pocket-sized AI assistant. The new Galaxy S26 Ultra is here. Pre-order now at Samsung.com to unlock the bonus offer. Thank you so much to Samsung for making this episode of "Everybody has a secret possible." Okay, today we are unpacking the secrets. You keep from your partner, Shushi's. Oh my god, you were looking at me. Oh, you're looking at me! I can also see that the name, sorry I've read ahead but I've stopped. The name for the first secret is Sally and I didn't know that. - I didn't know that, sorry. - Oh wow, that's cool. - We of course always, you know, ponder whether it's okay to keep secrets in a relationship or whether you or your partner everything, like where do you draw the line, you know? - Yeah, I love. - I recently went on big small tour and spoke to the podcast. - The podcast, yeah. - Yeah, in Australian podcast. I think the Sydney bass, I spoke to Sarah, one of the hosts, about this idea of telling your partner things and where our boundaries are. And I think that I may be in the wrong, but we can explore Canterham and Sarah. - So it's very keen. - All right, well yeah, this first one comes from a listener we'll call Sally. Is it weird that I bought myself a wedding dress and I'm not even engaged yet? - Oh, maybe. (laughing) - I haven't dared mention it to my long-term partner Pete, whom I've been with for seven years because he still hasn't proposed. Getty Married is very important to me. I mean, my late 30s and I come from a traditional family. So the marriage to kids pipeline is all I've ever known. And I really thought we would have said, I do by now. Cut to last week, I went shopping with a girlfriend and I don't know what came over me, but I bought a wedding dress. - Well, I love this now, I love it. - We walked past a bridal boutique and decided to pop in just for fun. The shop assistants offered us champagne and they asked about my proposal story. I had to lie on the spot. - Incredible. - About the ring being resized at the jules and my girlfriend went along with it too. Then I started trying on all of the bridal gowns. I was overwhelmed with all of the different styles, structured bodices, flowing skirts and low back cuts. My girlfriend took photos of me and we both got really emotional. (laughing) - Jesus. - Feel a mix of a bunch of things. - Yeah, yeah. - One of them being sad. - Oh, continue. - Wow. - Then I found the one. It was on sale and it fit me perfectly. I looked like the picture perfect bride, I'd always envisioned. It felt like a sign, so I justified buying it on the spot. Love a sign. I didn't want to let the chance go by. What if I never found anything like it ever again? - Yeah. - It's currently hiding in my girlfriend's study. There's no way I could get it into my house without freaking out Pete. I know he'd feel pressured if he saw it and I can't be bothered dealing with his reaction. I'm suspicious he might have a family ring hidden somewhere. My sister-in-law claimed their grandmother gave it to him years ago, but he hasn't mentioned anything. Pete will often complain about how expensive weddings have become and that it's not high on our priority list. He'd rather wait until we're in the right head space. I don't know what he means by that because I've been ready for years. I mean, clearly. I often send him links to my bridal Pinterest board and casually drop hints, but he's not getting the picture. I'm starting to believe he doesn't want to end up with me. I've been with this man for seven years. You'd think he'd know by now if he wanted to lock me down. I know it's a cop out. We've got the funds and I'm no princess. He knows I'd be happy with something low key. So how do I tell him? I've already bought my wedding dress. Well, Sally, the headline is just very like, well, she's bought a wedding dress. Yeah, and Pete doesn't know. And that's just funny because of how like, in your face it is. But then down the track, I started to feel sad because obviously Pete doesn't know. And Sally's hiding this from him and then trying to pepper in hints when it's like, oh, this is a serious conversation. Yeah. And he's kind of dismissing you. You've been together for seven years. He knows you want to get married and he's going, we're not ready for this. Like, you and I were not ready for it. But she's telling you she is and wants it. And now you're at the point where you've bought a dress because you want it so badly. And then he just is in the dark about it. Willingly, he's doing that on purpose, in my opinion. I just didn't expect this to take such a dramatic turn into like, oh, we meant to be together. Kind of talk. Sometimes that happens, you know? You went to a seven year relationship. Yeah. He doesn't want to get married. You want to get married. You buy a dress and then you go, wait, do we belong together? Hey, and also, I feel sad because I'm like, she was robbed of the version of this where she had been proposed to. And then she got to go like, to the mall, to the bridal boutique, whatever, specifically for this reason. And she didn't have to lie about the proposal story. And she didn't have to lie about the wedding ring being like, refitted or whatever at the jola. And I'm like, oh, you so deserved to have done this. Like, for real? Oh, wow. Like, for example, Sally, if this story you just written in to us was a movie, there's a way you could write this as a comedy. Yeah. But in reality, it wouldn't be fun for you, obviously. To have to lie at a bridal shop and be like, yeah, this is why I expose it. And then in reality, you are not getting married. Or at the moment, he doesn't want to get married. And so you just make up this lie because you want the dress, which is so fair. You find a dress you love. You've been with your partner for seven years. It's kind of like the time that you, if you want to be getting married, you should be getting married, no. And what's with the headspace thing? We're not. We collectively, he says, we are not in the right headspace. How do you speak for my headspace? You don't know my head. You don't know nothing about the space in my head. How do you? There's probably a psychological term for it. It's not gaslighting, but it's a very like, you and me, like we're obviously a couple, so we have the same headspace. And it's like, no, you know, though. Yeah. You know what I want. You know. So don't be doing that. This whole community speak thing. Like, no. Don't you all like Coltie on me? Don't you dare use inclusive language in this house? No, don't you do that. It's you versus me. No, but I think it's obviously a big warning sign, right? That she wants to get married. I'm assuming she's communicated that to him enough, and now she's resorted to, I'm just going to give him hints. Intrasports, all that sort of thing, because I don't, maybe you don't want to scare him away, like continuing to bring this up, because he clearly doesn't want to. He's not in the right headspace for it. Do you think it's marriage is so important to her? And he doesn't want to do it. Do you think that's make or break? Well, I mean, if she wants it this bad, and that she's in the fucking change rooms, trying on all the different things and like having such a fun sidequest with her girly pot, by the way, I can just imagine them walking outside the bridal boutique being like, she'll be, we shouldn't. Should we? Let's do it. Cheers. And I think of that scene. Did you guys watch that scene in Friends where like all the girls wearing dresses or something, and then that's the final straw that scares Rachel's boyfriend at the time away? Oh my god. If you look up at the door. There's always a friend's reference. I know. I like that was my Bible girl. Yeah, I know. But yes, I wonder if it would actually be fun for the girly pot friend or whether you'd be the-- Or whether she's like-- Yeah, but she's like, oh, but like, what's the plan here? Is there an expensive-- What do dresses are expensive? No. Yes. She said she got it on sale. So I feel like she was like, look, this is on sale. I kind of love it. I'm like, so we'll just get it now. I don't want to miss out the chance. No. Yes. I really, really hope that she got it for her. And she was swiping that card or whatever and being like, even if it's not for what's this loser's name? Pete. Even if it's not for me and Pete, I am going to love this because it's for me. Yes, for sure. But lots of people would say it might be cursed though. It might be cursed. And it's also like, if it's just for you. I'm curious to know what this wedding dress looks like. I'm thinking what? Oh, great take. But like, wouldn't that, if things don't work out with you and Pete, and you bought this dress for you? Yeah. That's a fucking wedding dress. And every time you look at it, it's going to remind you of like, arguably a failed relationship from the past. But maybe there's a moment you could take it up. And it could just be like a dressy-- --and wear a glamour on the grid. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Naturally. That was last night. So I wasn't there, but I saw photos. It was very like a wedding dress. It's top of mine. Top of mine. But hey, she could get invited to glamour on the grid. And she could have-- And she could have taken up. Yeah, exactly. But what I'm saying is, it's likely this dress, if the failed relationship turns sour, would just be a sour reminder. Let's talk about, finally, just the different streams of what could potentially happen. So she buys the wedding dress, is one. Pete finds out you tell Pete, he goes, oh shit, I didn't know how important this really was to you. Maybe all she was doing was giving him hints, putting Pinterest ideas in his brain, not saying, hey, this is like a deal breaker for me. I want to get married. Should we roleplay? I'll be paid. OK. OK. I am. So I'm in my bedroom, and I'm trying the dress on. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, trying the dress on. So yeah, because I love it so much. And I'm just like, I want to wear it. And so you've come home from work, and I've got the dress on. OK, great. I love-- Oh, no! You got a dresser party tonight or something? Well, actually, no. This is a wedding dress. Love stars. It's a wedding dress, actually. I say that. Yeah, do you want to know why I have a wedding dress on? You bought a wedding dress. I bought a wedding dress. Now, it was on sale. I used my own bank account for-- What? For who's-- But it's white. It's white. Yes, but I was thinking maybe I could take it off. I'm allergic to global white. But who's wedding? Who's wedding? Well, this is actually a really great time to bring this up. I've been wanting to get married for a while now. You bought this dress for-- For our-- Our-- That we're not having because you know that we're not in the right head space. Yeah, but actually, I think it's just you not in the right head space because-- Oh, so I'm the problem. Yeah, we'll get this break up. We're over. No. We're over. You're the problem, but I want to get married. And I just had this deep need to buy this wedding dress because I want this to happen for myself. OK, I respect that. I mean, I have been picking up the hints you've been putting down. We need to have a big conversation about this. Did you have a plan to propose to me at any point in the next couple of years? Well, I've just been waiting for my head space to-- To clear up. To clear up. All right, so that's option one. That's option one. We go down a path of conversation he's open to proposing. Yeah, he could be. Yeah. And he's like, well done on being savvy. I like-- I can't wait to-- Oh, yeah. can't wait to say the dress like on the altar because he can't say it, you know what I mean? - Yes. - Or he hates the idea. - Yeah. - He says the wedding dress, he freaks out and he's like, "I don't want to." Or option three, you never tell him and you continue down this path of like tiptoeing around the idea. - What would you do? - What would I do? - Yeah. - If I had bought the wedding dress already. - Yeah. - Well, if I'd bought the wedding dress already and I was in a dynamic wear, and you didn't wanna get married. And I was very secretive 'cause I've been secretive thus far. I would probably not tell him about the dress. Didn't want to as a stretch. He's just not ready, right? - Yeah, it's more that he's avoiding the conversation. - Yeah. - He's down playing it. - Yeah. - He's not listening to her needs. - He's freaking out. - Yeah. - You know, he's shitting himself. - People freak out about commitment. I think that's what this guy's doing. - Yeah, take, okay. - Okay. - Yes. - Just quickly, would you guys be able to lie on the spot? 'Cause I could see both ending up in a side questy leg. Let's just check out the bridal boutique, like with a friend, have some free shampers. But you know what's not very me? - I'm not buying a wedding dress even though it's on sale because those things are expensive. - I know, I know. But the question is, would you be able to lie to a shop assistant? And be like, so how did you, what's the story? - No. - No. - Yeah, you'd fall. - I don't think I would either. It is really sad. - Because it's a special thing. - It is a special thing. - And look, I get to worry if it's on sale when you want to keep it. You know, ready for that day that he proposes. But, like, best case scenario, he's like, oh, fuck, he got it on sale. I was thinking of proposing it anyway. - Yeah. - Just keep the dress, it's beautiful. - Best case scenario, he's like, I bought a tux. (laughing) We see each other. - Like, we're on the same page. - Yeah. - Anyway, we really daped that one, didn't we? - We did. And before we get to the next secret, I went from today's sponsor, shall we? - Shall we? - Yeah. - Sure, she's when it comes to planning and overseas holiday. We are so busy choosing outfits and booking experiences that we often forget the most important thing. Being on top of official travel advice, health info and entry requirements. A quick visit to [email protected] will prepare you on your destination before you arrive and get caught out. You can also find need to know information on local drug and alcohol laws and any red flags to watch out for. Make visiting [email protected] a must do and thank you so much to SmartTraveler for making this episode of Everybody Has a Secret possible. - Okay, our next secret is from Kat. I faked having an allergy for 15 years and now I lie to my boyfriend about it. - Oh, okay. - Whoa. - I quote unquote have a seafood allergy. I've always hated seafood and the smell of fish alone feels like a hate crime against my nose. - I mean, you're not alone in that. - No, I don't think she is alone, but lying about it for 15 years, that's a feat. - Yeah, seriously. - So at one point, I started telling people I was allergic and now it's something I live with every single day. I've been lying to my boyfriend James about it for years. To be fair, I could have reconsidered swiping right on him when he showed up on a dating app, proudly holding him meet along fish, but back then it wasn't a deal breaking for me because I found him really cute. Turns out James is obsessed with fishing. He's often away on annual charter trips with his mates and can't get enough of the ocean and seafood. - You know those guys that like have the fish picks? - They live. - They live. - I didn't want to yuck his yum so I decided to stick with my lie. I'll never forget the moment I went along with it during one of our early dates at the beach. He ordered us a fisherman's basket to share. I felt way too awkward to come clean, so 20 minutes later I ran to the toilet and the rest is history. Now he lives together and he makes a conscious effort to never bring seafood home. He loves me deeply and wouldn't ever risk having shellfish remnants in the fridge and I love him all the more for it. Look, I never thought it would snowball this much. I understand it's become a whole performance and my family is in on the line out too. (laughing) - Jesus Christ. - James can never know he's made so many accommodations for me at this stage. If it came out, it might erode our trust. I've no intention of ever telling in the truth though. It's a lie that harms no one and greatly benefits me. It does feel good to anonymously get this off my chest, cat. - I love this. - This is so funny. Your family is in on it too. If my sister came to me and said, hey look. - I've told this lie, I'm gonna need backup. - Yeah, just in case. - What would you just go along with it? - Oh yeah. That's family. - Of course. - I just ran or died. - 100%. - I would struggle, I think. - But I would do anything for a man, though. - I think it's so funny because she's right. It is a harmless lie. But it's a long time to be lying about something. - I know, but genuinely, you lie for so long you believe your own reality. Seriously, I first hand, in high school, no, my friends are gonna be happy. I'm talking about this and addressing this publicly. (laughing) I'm sure I've told you guys before. I made up this thing in high school so that I could have something interesting about me. 'Cause there wasn't anything else apparently. But I made up this thing where I was like, don't touch my ears. Like, don't fucking. - I can't talk to you about that. - Don't touch my ears. I'll scream. If you touch my ears, I'll fucking scream. Essentially being like to people go on a day, you just do it. So I could react. It was very attention-seeking. What was the reason you said, what you just had only said to me? - I just don't like it. - Yeah. And you would hope that people would try so you could react. - Yeah, and then I'd scream and yell and run around. - Why? - It was great, never unloved it. But then I did it to show you my ears. - It was such a thing that then, and I told my best friend, Karina, that I was doing this bit. She was like, what's with the ear touching? 'Cause she'd like touch it, like just without me knowing. And I wouldn't break out. And she'd be like, so it's a lie. And I'd be like, oh, well yeah. And she was like, okay, I was just like, you have to go along with it. And she was like, I'm not supporting that. That's so random and annoying. And I was like, fair. And then after a while of people touching my ears, it became an actual thing that I didn't like it. - I didn't like it. - And so now if people touch my ears, I'm like, you must stop. You can't do that. - Even to this day. - Even to this day, I'm like, don't touch my ears. But now when Karina tries to touch my ears, I'm like, stop. And she's like, you're still lying. And I'm like, no, it's developed into reality. - Right, so this is the reason why you think - Karina could actually develop a seafood allergy. - I don't think she could develop a seafood allergy. - But for 15 years, you would have to not be eating seafood, right? - Yeah. - I'm sure that that does like the physical becomes a mental thing. - Yeah. - And you do kind of avoid it, slash have an aversion to it because you haven't had it in 15 years. - It makes her queasy. She's running to the door. - And not to also like ostracize cat fur. Like it's a long time. I will say 15 years is a long time. But I do think it is common to lie about silly little things like this. Because when I was younger, I've said this, like I said this in season one of eight has been when we were a season all back in the day. - Season one. - That when I was in high school, I lied about having bad eyesight because I wanted glasses. - T. - And like that went on for a couple of years. - I love. - I was a teenager. And I intended for really bad for making my parents have to pay for expensive glasses. But I just wanted to look at it. - You got the spank. - I went to the OPS and I was like, I was like, I'm agey. I'm just like, I just made my shirt. - And now in hindsight, I'm sure the optometrist knew I was lying. And I just wore blurry glasses for the look. - For the look. - For the eyes. - I'm so ridiculous. - Terrible for my eyesight. - This is so good. - In a way, in a way, I understand. But that was like a social thing. - Yeah. - And it was like, e-gate. - Yeah, that's like e-gate. And I guess lying to your partner 15 years also a social issue. - I see that she didn't want to hurt him. She saw that he had a big fish on his. - Boating camping fishing. - Yeah, exactly on his dating app, profile or whatever. And she was like, okay, this is important to him. Not only am I yucking his yum, I'm yucking his hobby. He's like favorite thing and also his sense of achievement. - Yes, so let's make him share that. - Exactly. Inactuality, cat is an empath to the nth degree. - That is so true. So to conclude, cat, keep doing what you're telling her. - And thank you. - Yeah. - Keep on keeping on. And thank your family for us because that is commitment. - That's commitment. - Yeah, I wonder how deep this lie actually goes. - Yes. - Like, if you would ever need us in some way to help you. - Yeah, because we would, we'd come in trouble. But when you get your family involved, I can't trust my family with like backing me up on a lie because they go off book. They do improv and they're like, do you remember that one time Charlotte when like we were on that family holiday and then you vomited everywhere because you had some fish? - How would you feel of someone you'd been with the so long, like it finally came out? - Would you be out of trust them? I'd be a bit freaked out, I think. - Oh yeah. - If they lied for that long, I'd be like, what the fuck? - And this is why she simply can't say anything. - That's a really good question. They'll be, thank you for bringing us back to the series. - So, yeah. - I'm like, hey. - No, I would be really freaked out. I think, cat, sorry to whiplash you like. (laughing) But even though the content here is very silly. - Yeah. - But not to say allergies are silly. - Yes, and you can get like, Anaphylaxis and like have happy pens to get rid of these sort of allergies. So people that have this allergy might be really offended by this cat. - Totally, yeah. And sometimes it is life or death like Anaphylaxis is a real issue. - Tate. - So not to say that silly. But to me anyway, the idea of pretending to have it because you just don't like your boyfriend's fishing thing or whatever it is. That's a bit comical. Of course. Yeah. But if someone said to me after 15 years of being in a serious relationship that they had pretended to have an allergy. It's like what Kat's saying here herself. She's saying that I worry he won't trust me anymore. 'Cause that would just spark so many other red flags. Like, oh, okay, so what else are you lying about? - Yeah, and we do pose that question to Kat. Is there anything else you're lying about? Tell us. - Tell us. - Tell us. - We would love to know if it's any anomaly. - White lives that have been going for, you know, 10, 15 years. - Or it's just this one. Because actually do you think if someone is able to lie about something like this for 15 years they would just naturally be able to lie about a lot of other things that might not even be realizing. - Probably. - Probably. - Like, yeah, I accidentally lied the other day and I was like, "Why did I do that?" - Wait, sorry. - No, sorry, I lied. - Are you identifying with Kat? - A little bit. - A little bit. - A little bit. - Well, someone in the office. - I can't remember what it was for the life of me, but they were like, "It's giving this movie." And I was like, "It is, haven't seen it." - Oh, that's pretty normal, maybe. - Yeah, but I could have been like, "You know what, I still haven't seen that." And it would have prompted another conversation, you know? - Yes. - So I don't know what the point is. - Maybe you just want to hit the conversation, flowing. - I kind of understand that, but the worst thing when that happens is when they go, "Have you seen it like a long?" And you're like, "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm lying." - Yeah, that's not the worst. But Kat, regardless, I mean, we want to hear from you again, I think, is what we're coming to the conclusion of. Tell us if there are any more, like, really racu-brain. Are there any more than white lies that you think you're telling because of this big one, just 15-year one? - Yeah. - Also come to us if you would like us to help. - Continue that. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. - So we're here for you if you need us to help you. - Yes. - Continue the live. - But also stay vigilant. - Stay vigilant, stay safe. - With yourself. - Exactly. - Yeah, as long as you're honest with yourself as well, be aware and make sure someone's keeping you accountable. - Accountability. - Yes. - To. - On to the next one. - Yes, our final one comes from Laura. My husband has no idea that I loan out thousands of dollars to my friends. - Oh. For context, Matt, and I am married, and together we live that good, Dink, double income, no kids life. - Dink. - Oh, yeah. - Dink. - Dink, double income life. - No kids life. - No, double income, no kids life. - Dink. - Dink. - I earn more than Matt, and he will often joke that I'm his sugar mama, which gives my feminist heart the warm fuzzies. - Yes. - Nice. - We both have our own personal bank accounts and a shared savings account that we funnel money into. For the most part, our money values align, but Matt tends to be a bit more stingy than I am. EG, who make comments about how expensive concert tickets are. - Okay. - I'm writing in because I've been hiding my personal spending habits from him, and I'm starting to feel conflicted about my gift giving nature. I'm the type of person to support my close friends with financial support whenever they need it, whether it be through sending them Uber Eats, giving back to their businesses, or loaning them hundreds if not thousands of dollars, for bigger expenses or essential items that they can't afford all at once. I know they never ask unless they were in need, which is why I don't bat an eyelid. They always offered a pay me back, and to be honest, I wouldn't mind if they didn't pay me back. I would never lend money if I couldn't afford to in the first place. - What a giving woman. - I love. - Even though I'm spending money from my personal account, I still feel guilty keeping it from him. On one hand, it's mine, so I can spend it however I like, but on the other hand, I don't want to jeopardize the trust we have in our relationship. And I don't know if he'd be able to relate to me either because I have a closer group of friends than he does. I've reached a couple of different conclusions about why I might have kept this a secret for so long. One is that on some level I resent having to tell a partner everything regardless of whether we're married or not. This is likely because I was single before I met him for a really long time and enjoyed my independence. Keeping this from him almost feels like holding on to that last piece of me. - Ooh. - Ooh. Another conclusion is that I'm probably avoiding a disagreement or him questioning my spending. I'll admit I probably don't want to compromise on this, so I've avoided opening up this can of worms. Do you think that as a married woman, I owe my partner the full picture financially? Or is it okay if I keep this to myself? How would you feel if your partner were doing this behind your back, Laura? - So Laura, here's the thing. - Yeah, speak on it. - I genuinely think it's such, it's one of the best qualities ever to be generous to the people you love. - Yes. - She is so incredibly generous. - Hundreds of thousands of dollars. - I'm so. - And it's like, if you can afford that financially and it's worked for you so far, go off, please. But to your final question, how would you feel if your partner were doing this behind your back, I would not like it. - And neither, I would not like it one bit. - That's a whole lot of secrecy, and I know this is your own account. - I said that really fast. That's all I was secrecy. - No. - Is that why you love? - No, it's just like you're on it today. It's so funny. - No, it's because I haven't slept. - Yeah. - Yeah, right, right, leaving, okay, continue. - Again, I'm loving what you're doing. I also to play a real devil's advocate opinion, and you haven't said anything that should raise these sort of alarms, but I just wanna keep you a vigilant. - Of course. - And aware. - She said, "I know they'd never ask unless they were in need, which is why I don't mind an eyelid. They always offered to penny back, and to be honest, I wouldn't mind if they didn't pay me back." I just worry that maybe your friends are asking so much because you have this like really giving thing going on. And it's like, I wouldn't even need you to pay me back. And it's like, why are your friends asking you so much to borrow money? I really love that you're able to, and you want to, that's again, generosity is the best thing ever. But it's just like, oh, it feels like maybe it could be a slippery slope. - I'm just trying to think of you financially. - No, absolutely. And also to add to that to build. There is a world where maybe Matt could be like, your friends taking advantage of you. - Yes, exactly. - And these are conversations that are good to have with someone who's so like your partner, or your husband. - But if I were Laura, it's obvious to me just to play the other side now. - Please. - I would be like, okay, my love language is gift giving. And that shows up in my friendships and my romantic relationship. And so the last thing I need is someone attacking like how I show love for my friends, especially when they need me. Like I'm not gonna be a ship friend. I can afford to help them. So. - Yeah, and it's like if Matt were to have a problem with this, Laura would be like, well, that's my name. - That's my name because I'm generous. Like surely you knew this about me, which is just interesting how this didn't come up. Like surely Matt knows you're a generous person because maybe he's on the receiving end of some of this generosity as well. - You'd think. - You'd think that this comes up in conversation. I just feel like whenever there's something that you're trying to hide, and I understand why, Laura said that it feels like she's holding onto the last piece of her. Why not telling him? That feels like what are we trying to say there? - Yeah, no, completely great. - Speak on it, shoot. - Now that you're in a long-term relationship, belly. - One year, long-term. - Congrats. - Oh my God, today. - It was our anniversary last week into the world. - Oh, but I can't hide it. - Yes, that's why. - Incredible. - Incredible. - Great, okay, so now that you're one year long-term relay. - Wow, I love that. - Relo. Do you feel like there was anything looking back that you want to hold onto as your last piece of independence or anything similar to this kind of? - No. - Notion. - Notion. - No to that notion. - I understand how Laura's found herself in this place, and I'm assuming she's been with her partner for longer. So maybe there's more of her. Like to me, I was single for ages and then now I'm in a relationship and it's like, "Yeah, loving every part of it, "don't feel like I've lost any part of myself, "it still feel like I can't hold on "to independence in various ways." But maybe because Laura's been in a relationship for so long I'm assuming she's looking back at her single life kind of yearning for the bits that she had to herself. - That feel like her. - Yeah. - Which would be your gift-giving love language. - Yes, but don't you give that to him too? I'm just like. - It's a big thing to hold on to something like this. Just because, even though you might have separate bank accounts, which is so common for a lot of married people, a lot of couples, money is also a shared thing for you. Naturally, you live in the same house I'm assuming. Like it does intersect and money values, as we've said to me, times before, are a huge thing that need to align your relationship. It just feels like a bit unfair to keep this volume. Even though that's not your intent, I'm sure he'd want to know. If you are feeling like he's taking something from you by being in a relationship, you'll need to talk about that. - Yeah. - If there's something else in the relationship you feel like you're losing yourself in, let's chat about that. - Yeah, I'd want to know. If I were him, I'd really want to know. Not because I necessarily need full scope over the financial situation. It's just like, well, this is something you're keeping from me. Obviously, I want to know. - Yes. - Why keeping this from me? - That's a good point though, that you raised, that it's not like he has a saying necessarily. It would be worrying if you told him and he'd want to control any sort of thing. - That's a whole other thing. - But I do think it's worth talking to your next closest person about how much you might be learning to people who you love and who you want to give to. But if things were to ever turn to shit for you, Laura, maybe you would be kicking yourself and thinking, I wish I had spoken to Matt about this, because now I'm like thousands of dollars in debt or whatever it might be. I'm sure you're fine and you've thought about it all and you can afford it. But that's why we have our confidence. - Yeah, of course. Also, your generosity deserves company. - Oh, how do you do that every week? - No, but genuinely, it should have company. Having Matt in it with you being like, "Oh, well, I lend her a kidding she's excited about." She goes, "I gave Blubla XYZ amount of dollars so that they could furnish their outdoor area." I don't know why. I don't know the things that would categorize as like lots of money for they need desperately. Or like, "Blubla, I need it this for XYZ medical situation. I'm fronting it. I don't expect her to pay me back." But like, I hope she's okay. Like just dinner table conversations. Bouncing that off of your partner would be able to, "God, you should have a pat on the back." Like, I know you know this is a good thing, but I think your partner would want to celebrate you. Also, I'm sure he already knows that you do this a little bit. He probably just doesn't know to what extent. Yeah. That it's thousands. Yeah, because no, so true. He could be like, "Oh my God, I didn't realize that your generosity extended this far and that's a fucking brilliant quality that I want to celebrate." Yeah. That could be something that happens. That would be best case scenario. But I do think you owe him the honesty. The honesty. Just before we finish today, I wanted to quickly round out the thing I mentioned up top because when you Ruby introduced this topic for today, I thought we were going to. going to be talking about the secrets you keep generally and what the rules are when, for example, your friend tells you something in confidence. Do you tell anyone else? I think it's because I read an article from somewhere. Maybe it was a book. It was British Vogue. Yeah, we haven't even spoken about it in a single other way. It was an S-like channel and I think I got confused. I thought we're talking about that. But let's just quickly round it out here with a quick question from me. Yes. If you are told a secret from, for example, me and you have a partner and I say don't tell anyone and I don't stipulate not even your partner. Are you telling your partner? If it's you, not telling my partner. Really? Like if I tell my secret and I'm like don't tell anyone, you don't even tell your partner. All right, so I think this is where I'm in the wrong. I think we need to put this one to the shrushies because there are secrets in the past that I haven't told my partner because I couldn't because of dynamics. Right. I've had to keep them. It's big like church fee state push and pull. The tension has nowhere to go and so it sits on your shoulders. And so telling your partner and having that like outlet is best case scenario. You don't want secrets that you can't tell your partner. Yes. Because in this chat that I have with Sarah on Big Small Talk, we were talking about this and I would tell Stevie things that I'm told not tell anyone. But if someone says don't tell anyone even Stevie, I won't tell Stevie. Yeah. But if someone says don't tell anyone, then I'll be like, well, I have my like, of course, person to talk to. If someone said don't tell anyone, especially Stevie or like don't tell anyone and not even Stevie and you then going home and being like, oh my god, like so I heard this crazy thing, but I was specifically told I can't tell you. So I'm sorry. No. Okay. You wouldn't even dangle the carrot. No, no, no, no. That feels like a recipe for disaster. Yeah. And Ruby, what would you do? I'm similar to you, I think, Belle. But it really depends what it is to. Like if it's like something that's not, you know, that traumatic and it'll be forgotten about in a week or if it's something that's a little bit heavier, I think I do keep heavy things to my chest. Like if someone's really like this is serious stuff, don't? Yes. But I will tell my ex a lot. Yeah. Like they are your confidant. And like a part of being in a relationship is like talking about your life. Yeah. Even if it's someone else's secret, but if it involves you in some way, like, exactly now, I'm in your chest. Yeah. Definitely depends on how serious it is. Yes. Very tweet that. Anyway, so many. That's good. That's good. I definitely do the same as well. It's like if I'm in a long term thing, then I will tell everyone everything. I just thought I'd touch base with what I set up top. I love it. I realize that I've misconstrued this episode, but no, but also call out alert. Call out. What do you do? What do you do? Do you have a secret that you can't tell your partner? And tell us. And tell us, like you've heard it from someone in your like they have told you specifically you can't tell your partner. Yep. Why? And we'll link the Vogue article in our show notes today. It's by Hannah Uens as well. Please stop telling your partner my secret. It's really good. Well, guys, that brings us to the end of today's episode of Everybody has a secret. Everybody has a secret is produced by Ruby Hall and Lucy Hunt. If you have a secret, you're ready to share with us. Submit it at everybodyasaccret.com.au. Everything we read will of course be kept completely anonymous. You can find us on Instagram and TikTok at ehaspodcast and get our weekly Ask Us newsletter in your inbox every Friday morning. We'll see you next Friday. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. This podcast was recorded on Verundjeri land. Always was always will be Aboriginal land.