277. "He has $100K of debt. Should I still marry him?"

I have a hundred thousand dollars in debt. As we're talking about eventually getting married, I just had this feeling that this was going to become a much bigger problem. It became an emotional toll on me. It's a negative. It's not building towards something. It's actually just an anchor. It was like, how fast can we pay this off? How fast can we pay this off? Did you become part of the debt payoff? No, I did it. It's a bit of a mixed message. There's a little bit of whiplash of feeling supported and understood to suddenly being judged, I've become a problem to solve. Our money conversations tend to end with us going our separate ways. Emotionally, you get very charged up about it. I even feel it right now. It's just like, this is too much I really don't want to do it. The way you've constructed your world is that I need to feel horrible about money and when people feel horrible about something, they don't engage in it. Neither of you have recalibrated your relationship. What's going on there? I just don't trust that it's not going to continue to snowball in a way that's uncontrollable. If we're going to have a future together, there's an element of like, it's not possible. Today, I'm speaking with Randy and Mack, 31 and 33 years old. They are in a relationship and they are talking about getting married soon. Randy is the one who applied. Here's what he wrote. We're not married yet, but planned to combine finances when we are. A meaningful chunk of my income ends up going towards his debt, an hour shared fun, and I feel handcuffed into funding his rich life with my wallet. The deeper roadblock is we haven't aligned on what we're actually building. That's a pretty perceptive comment. The idea that the mechanics may be working functionally, but the dynamic underneath is not. I'm going to pull up their conscious spending plan. Let's take a look. We have a total net worth of $45,000, but it's quite different. Randy has a net worth of $102,000. Mack has a net worth of negative $56,000. debt is where things really become different. Randy has $12,000 of debt. Mack has $100,000 of debt. Wow. Combined monthly income, $25,833, for a couple in their early 30s, that's a lot of money. We have Randy making 15K a month gross. Mack is making 10K a month gross. That's great. Fix costs at 63%, but if you break it down individually, Randy's at 47%, and Mack is at 87%. I gotta say, I'm really glad that I get to talk to Randy and Mack before they get married. Doing things preventatively with your money can make all the difference. The question I have is, do they have a compatible vision of a rich life? Let's find out. Let's meet Randy and Mack. I took a look at the application. You filled it up, right Randy? Okay. You wrote in there, quote, "I feel handcuffed into funding his rich life with my wallet." Tell me about that. I do make more than Mack right at the moment, and I do think that there's an element of like, without me, it's not possible, and it feels a little bit like everything is kind of reliant on me to be successful and not necessarily us to be successful. Use the word handcuffed. What does that mean? The feeling ultimately is that if I were to leave, the problem becomes his, but that also puts him in a bad spot, and I don't want to do that. So handcuffed in the sense that we're in this together, but you kind of are the only one carrying the load as far as you're the only one. As far as the fun parts of life, yes. What's your take on it, Mack? When I first read that line, I was pretty offended by it. Why? It feels very much like the whole of me is at net burden, and that's kind of how I felt, but now that we've had more chances to talk about that, I understand, and there is an element of truth to that. So that both feels good, and then it's like, okay, yeah, that's a good point. We need to figure that out, but also feels bad, because then it's hard for me to not internalize that even more of like, well, like I really am a problem. And do you think that you are a financial problem? I'm certainly financially complicated, yeah. I mean, I think we both are in a spot where the amount of debt that I have, I don't particularly want it to be Randy's problem. Got it. But it's also not something that can just be fixed like that. How long have the two of you been together? Going on four years. Four years. Okay. And is there a plan to be married one day? I would like to. Yeah. Yeah. Has there been a discussion that you have to pay your debt off before you get married? Maybe not in so many words, but I think originally that was your plan. Yes. My plan was to keep this my problem for as long as I could. And? Why do you get so quiet in here? I am also feeling very much like I need some help. And wow, that's not like your job. It is something where it's like, okay, everybody brings something they need help with to a relationship. My interest happens to have numbers on it. And we can probably be getting a lot closer to what we would want to have together if we work together on it. But it's hard to have the conversation because where I am I can't put more than what I'm already doing. Like the numbers don't really work for me to be like doing a rapid payoff or anything like that. So it kind of becomes this unanswered question that's just sitting in every conversation of like, I don't particularly want Randy to feel like he has to be contributing. And I don't think you want to who I don't know who would. But at the same time, it's kind of if we're going to have a life together, it's going to be something that's there in the way always. Are your finances combined? No, I mean, at least not in the practical sense, we're aware of how much we have in each other's bank account, but they're not combined right now. We do have a joint account, which I actually am going to like put our money into so we can just withdraw from that. So it stops being so chaotic. What about like the rent? How's that paid? Right now, we just split it in half. 50/50. Yeah. Ah, okay. And so the money goes into some account which then pays the rent. Is that how it works? No, currently it's Venmo, but we are moving so that the combined account is intended to be for when we do move, we're moving into more like a corporate apartment. So there's a better system. Okay. Right now, we just have a landlord. So one person pays it, the other one, Venmo's. We both Venmo are landlord half of it. Oh, okay. Got it. And what about like other joint expenses, groceries, eating out. How does that work? I think we just pass back and forth the same Venmo transactions ad infinitum. How many how many per month Venmo transactions do you have between the two? A dozen like total things, including electricity and whatnot. Okay. Yeah. Sometimes it'll be a month where it's like, oh, this came up. It was about a hundred dollars. Like, oh, I spent a hundred dollars over here. Like, okay, cool. That like cancels out. Generally, it feels pretty fair. Okay. Now, Randy, I understand that you have a financial system. I love a good system. Can you describe the financial system that you built? Yeah. I mean, I can kind of sum it up in one sentence, pay yourself first and then do whatever else you want to do with it. Okay. So you have money automatically going to savings, investing, that kind of thing. Yeah. 401k and then Roth and then savings and then the rest kind of trickles down. How does his finances slot into this system of yours? They don't, I think, largely due to the lack of a system that's in there. I think there's also just the cumbersome nature of having, like, disjoint accounts that don't exactly all merge in one place and then spread out their siloed off and you have to keep track of each other's numbers. And it's irritating to you. It's inefficient. And that sounds like irritation. Like, I love systems. And if I had to deal with some orphan account over here, I'd be like, this sucks. How have you irritated? Yeah. I guess the irritation might be a good word for it then. Okay. And how do you deal with it? Right now, it seems like Venmo is the way. But like, do you spend a lot of time on your own financial system? No, not anymore. No. I kind of like set it and forget it. Okay. What about you, Matt? It's just hope and a prayer. Really? Very little phases me about money, but I still cannot get over how the majority of couples do not have a single substantive conversation about money, often for years at a time and just take your own relationship because I'm genuinely curious. When was the first time that you had a substantive conversation about money, not a five minute conversation about who's paying a substantive conversation about money? Put it in the comments. I read every single one. Randy, in your application, you mentioned something you said, in the last month, I kind of demanded to have a clear picture. What does that mean? I got a new job and I wanted to start kind of living life. And through that, I wanted to know what was happening. Like, I'd operating in a black box about stuff doesn't work for me, especially when the mechanics of how to solve a problem are 100% going to have to be known and you can't do it in a black box. So what'd you do? I just asked if we could share an app that would allow us to add our finances and see where we're at. And we did. And it's been helpful in the sense that we know where we are. And it doesn't feel very manual. It doesn't feel like a task to do. It's just there. I think that's the agenesis of me wanting to understand his finances. Okay. That was where it left from being this thing that I was just trying to manage in the background and not think about too much to being like, oh wow, this is something I need to share with my partner. We were getting very serious at that point. And also something that I just had to feeling that this was going to become a much bigger problem once it was out in the open. And it did. It did. You were right. Yeah. And when I realized what it was and how to do it, I very much was on the team of like how fast can we pay this off? Like, let's, you know, put a fire under this and get it out of the way. No, I did it. At least, I emotionally did, but I didn't physically contribute to it. But it became an emotional toll on me. Why? Is one of those things where it can be a utility, but the problem with it, the way it's done here is it's a kind of negative. Okay. So you asked him how fast can we pay it off? Even though what you, it seems to me what you meant is how fast can you pay it off? Yeah. Okay. Is that a common thing? I think so. Like, through kind of some of the experiences we've had recently, I've realized that a lot of the way I approach money is this is your problem versus my problem, and I'm not necessarily all set, but I'm definitely in a spot where I'm able to flex and move a little bit better and not really concerned myself with the day ends now to like managing it. I'm curious about, it's a bit of a mixed message. Would you say that you've experienced mixed messages around money? For sure. Yeah. You said, how are we going to pay this debt off, implying how are you going to pay this debt off? What was your reaction to it? I think this time it was the first time it had been talked about in a context of the logistics of us having combined finances in the past. It had been more about, this is a thing that I'm dealing with as a person and I'm so glad I have somebody here that I can talk to about it. But then it was suddenly becoming like, actually your problem in that. So it gave you. Your problem. Well, my problem, it already has always been my problem, but as we're talking about the potential of eventually getting married, combining finances, it becomes his problem too. I have a very visceral feeling to talking about money. Which is what? I get very hot and my heart rate goes up and typically I just end up checking out because it's like, in fight or flight, I just choose flight because. Feel that right now? Yeah, a little bit. Okay. If you need to take a break, we'd take a break, but. No, I'm all right. Okay. Well, good to know. What did it get you when you had that app set up? It gave me some relief to know just the answers that were happening, even if they were all wrong and everything's broken. We at least have an answer to operate with on, with because you can kind of backwards your way into a solution, and I'm very solution-oriented. We have debt. How do we pay it off? Avalanche, snowball doesn't matter. What's the fastest way to get there? Is that your role with money in this relationship? Solutions? Yes. Max says, yes, that was a quick reaction. Why? Because I don't. I have not wanted to deal with it. Oh. What is your role with money? His ideal would be for me to take it all on and tell him what he can spend. Ah, how would you describe that in a word, Mack? Probably a little dependent. Dependent. That's interesting. So we have solutions and dependent. What do you think? That is the way we talk about it, but even now, that's honestly how it's set up, because everything's still separate. In an ideal world, it would be something that I don't have to think about, but as we've talked more about what I actually want out of my life, our financial picture, whether it actually feel like for me to be comfortable, it's actually kind of the opposite. I would like to be involved in those discussions. I want to be able to talk with my friends about strategies or whatever. It's kind of fun when people just talk about those things, and right now, people start talking about that, and I have to check out. If I participate in the conversation, I'm going to feel really uncomfortable and really embarrassed. Because you have debt. Yeah, and I can't help but feel a little bit resentful of that. Not toward other people or you or our friends, but just in general, I feel like the reason that I have debt in the first place was not. Some of it was just that I was young and stupid, but a lot of it was because a lot of things happened that were a little bit out of my control. Every time we're talking about debt or finances, all that comes up is a pretty rough period of my life where I felt really not in control, and it's behind me, and I just want it all to be behind me. I don't have to think about it anymore, but now I still pay 2 grand a month to keep thinking about it. Randy? I agree. Yeah. I think one of the problems I also see is the mitigation of a problem for minimizing it. Yeah. It just seems to be a common pattern that if I don't acknowledge the problem, the problem doesn't exist. Therefore, it's not something I have to think about. Do you think that the strategy you are using is working for you? I think the soft emotional Mac is like, yeah, this is great. We've got everything set up so that in five years, it's going to be paid off, and we don't have to think about it anymore, and then it's not going to be a big deal. I think the adult brain in me is like, no, this is not working because I'm not really keeping track of a lot of things. I'm just kind of going hoping a prayer not because I'm dumb, it's because it's just too stressful to have to think about it. So if I can spend like twice a year putting everything in place and then just never have to look at it and just kind of assume things are going to be okay, then like, I'm not dealing with that anxiety on a regular basis. I'm going to be pretty direct. I think you have this invisible script that your ultimate goal is to not have to think about money, and the fact is if you want to get good at money, you have to pay attention to it a lot, and you actually have to find a way to enjoy it. What would that look like for you? Well, in my job, I do that a lot with like a lot of, I'm a project manager, so I'm dealing with a lot of budgets all the time, and one of the things I enjoy is that I'm the person who knows all of the things that are happening at any point in time with a project, and somebody comes to me and says, I need to know what, you know, this invoice was, and I can respond immediately and say, I know exactly what that was and what it came from. What would it look like for you to do that with your finances? I mean, I would, I think it would actually be really fun to be able to say, like, I know exactly what's in this account and where it's going. I know exactly what the target is. I know that, you know, we want to save for a vacation that we're going to take in 2027, and we're going to retire at 62 years, and this is where we are in that journey. Like, I do a lot of tracking and managing projects, and I find that fun, and I don't really do that with my own finances. Why? I think one thing that I didn't notice, and so I started talking about it a little bit more, is like, I've been in some level of the finance world my whole career, often with extremely large transactions. I think there is a little bit of a skew that I still have of, like, okay, I have $100,000 in debt, but I spent $150 million last week at work. So like, I understand, obviously, mathematically, how much that is, but I don't think it has the same impact as it does you because I am used to dealing with numbers, and it's like, wow, that's a lot. That's going to take some time to pay off, but like, finishes hands. Could be worse. Could be worse. Yeah. Right. There's also a little bit of, it's someone else's money at work, so it's a little more, I don't know, esoteric, whereas when it comes down to me, it's just like, yeah, I even feel it right now, or it's just like, this is too much I really don't want to, like, go do it, and it's just like an overwhelm factor. Okay. This happens every so often on this podcast. I remember speaking to somebody who was struggling with their own personal finances, and you know what they do for a job? They teach personal finance in high school. Mac obviously has the skills to know this stuff about personal finance or learn it, but when he comes home, he sees himself as passive with money, also not particularly good with money, and somebody who's made a lot of mistakes, and he doesn't really want to pay attention to it anymore. So it's one thing from the outside to look at this person and say, look, you have the skills, obviously, but it's quite another to take those skills and transfer them to your own personal life. And I can get him to connect the skills he already has to this issue with his personal finances. I have a simple rule in my life. If it's not on my calendar, it doesn't exist. If it's important to me, I want to put it on my calendar. Work meetings, haircuts, dinners with friends, taking a trip. This calendar is shared so that other important people in my life can also get on the same page. 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So none of the numbers particularly surprising, but they side-by-side like showed a pretty stark discrepancy. Did you know this discrepancy? Yeah, at least I did. I think intellectually. Yeah, you knew. But like seeing it like right there, the actual numbers is like, okay, yeah, that's what I was feeling, but this is definitely different. Yeah. All right, let's take a look at the numbers. Randy, can you read off the word in bold and then the combined number next to each of these cells for this total box? Yeah. Assets, zero, investments, 141,645, savings, 17,184, debt, 112,939, total net worth, 45,890. Okay, cool. Just looking at those numbers, what are your reactions? I don't like the extra little symbol that's on the left side of my number. The negative. Okay, good catch. Yes. What else? I feel a little saddened by that when you combine it because a lot of the investment side and the things that we have going for us are eaten up by the debt. And so that number isn't representative of the work. It's representative of the trauma that you've kind of accumulated and trying to pay down. So to clarify, we see that Mac, you have 38K of investments versus Randy's $102,000. It's quite a discrepancy there. $5,000 of savings for Mac versus 12,000 for Randy. And then the big difference here is the debt. Mac, $100,000 of debt and $12,000 of debt for Randy. So the numbers on average look one way, but when you dig in beneath, you see quite a difference. Okay, did you know these numbers? Randy says yes, Mac. I will be honest. I did not realize that I had $40,000 in 401K. So that was actually kind of a positive. How do you think that happened? That you have 40K now. That's a lot of money. Well, mathematically, I know exactly how it happened. It's been sitting around in 401K for a while. I think it's just one of the things where I was aware of it, but I just didn't want to be looking at it. And so I wasn't paying attention to that number at all. This invisible script, I should not have to look at money. You see how many different ways it affects you? It affects you on the downside with debt. It affects you on the upside with 401K. It affects you in your relationship, the two of you, and a healthy relationship with money is actually like, oh, I like this. Oh, what a gift that I get to manage my money because that is how I live my rich life. That's how we live our rich life. Okay, let's go down to the income. Matt, can you read off the combined gross monthly income, please? 25,833. What do you guys think about that number? That's a **** lot of money. It's a pretty big number. Yeah. And you're in your early 30s. So that's a total of $309,000 per year by show of hands. Who knew that? Both. Oh, my God. Okay, Round of applause. This does not happen very often on the show. Wow. How did you know that? Because 50% of people do not even know their own household income because we've talked about it. Yeah. Great. We have talked about that. Yeah. Wow. What does a couple in their early 30s that makes over $300,000? What do they do? How do they behave when it comes to money? I mean, I think about a lot of our friends are in somewhat similar situations. Actually, a lot of our friends are pretty open about talking not necessarily about income and stuff, but you know, how are you doing on this kind of investing thing? Not in it. It's not like the number of a topic of conversation, but it's something that I think everybody's interested in for the most part in our group. How they talk confidently. What else? Competently. Nice. Yeah. Nice. Good. What else? It seems like they all have houses to fix, which I don't want to do. Okay. Got it. Yeah. I think at that point, the way I would talk is proud. Proudly. Yeah. Yeah. I agree. It's something that they have accomplished. Nobody trips and falls into a $309,000 household income. It's yet you got to be very good at your job. Both of you. It's impressive. Okay. I just want to point out the differential income here. 15,000 a month for Randy. 10,000 a month for Mac. We have Randy taking home 10,000 a month, Mac taking home 7,000 a month. Again, my assessment, generally pretty similar incomes. Of course, one is 50% higher, but they're both high incomes. Great. Let's go down to the rest of it. Fix costs. What's that number? 63%. Great. I'd like to see it below 60%. Okay. I will say, especially with a very high income, when the number is above 60%, I'm kind of like, what's going on? And we know what's going on because the highest number here is the debt payments. 2,238, of course, aside from your rent. So we'll get into that. Investments are at 4%, but that's really Randy's investments. Savings are at 3%, but that's really Randy's savings. And then finally, this one is very interesting to me. Guilt free spending. What's this number? It's 31%. Randy $4,394 a month. That's 42%. Now, I don't mind. I love seeing a high earner spend a ton of money on guilt free spending if they're hitting all their other numbers. I don't mind. What is that money going towards? I mean, kind of you name it. It's fun buying new bike parts, how it's stuff like that. I don't know. It goes to expensive coffee when I go out. I don't really have to think about a no situation because it just is there. You have the money. Okay. So this income is new for me. Oh, as of when? Like a month ago. Oh, so you're rolling in it. You're like, I got more money than I've ever had. Yeah, I mean, I have an extra $2,500 ish roughly a month. What were you making before? 150. Whoa. And then that was, I was only there for a year and a half and prior to that was a hundred and thirteen and then prior to that was 60. And I did. So in five years, I've gone from 65,000 to 185. What's your advice for America? Tell them how'd you do it? Find the next job you want and gain the skills to get there. Well, I like it. It's actually very aligned with how high earners talk about it. It's very solutions oriented. It's very black and white. It doesn't mean it's going to happen, but that is the path to do it. Well said. All right. What is your assessment of this conscious spending plan when you look at it? Like if you had to analyze it, what would you say you notice about the CSP? Combined is really not so bad. There's some things that can probably be polished, but it seems pretty good. Yeah. Individual. There's one person who's doing great and there's one person who is stuck. Stuck be more descriptive. I mean, my fixed costs are at 87% on an individual level. Yeah. It's manageable, but not to be sharing a life with the person in the first call. Yeah. They're kind of like completely different. If we look at one person, Randy has 47% fixed costs. That's it. extremely low, like there's no stress at all. At 87%, you feel like you're drowning. So there's an incongruity there, and that feels odd in a relationship, especially in a married relationship, which I know you're not, but in an intimate relationship when you're living together, it can feel a little weird. Does it feel like that to you? - Yeah, that's definitely does on my end. - Okay, here's my approach. First, I wanna spend a little bit more time with Mac to understand his view of money, especially where this debt came from. But then I need to talk to Randy. I need him to start to understand how he has co-created this dynamic that they have around money, and get him to see the effect of it on Mac. - You know, I have a program where I teach people how to start and grow their businesses. It's called Earnable, and in that program, I ask the students to text a friend, saying, hey, what do you think my top five talents are? 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And I love it, and I know you will too. You'll get 20% off all consumer plans when you go to joindeleteMe.com/remeat and use promo code "Remeat@Checkout." That's joindeleteMe.com/remeat. Code "Remeat" for 20% off. You both have debt, but I want to talk Mac about your debt, which is $100,000. What is included in that debt? - It's about 15,000 of student loans, and then the rest is debt consolidation loans that I did over time. It's really just two big ones. - What were those? - One is for 11,000, the others around 70,000. - And what were those loans for? Those were consolidating some loans that were over here and over here, I mean, I think at some point, there was probably eight or nine different spots where-- - I'm gonna keep asking to you tell me what those loans were. What were they for, the eight or nine loans? - My trajectory has been very much the opposite of Ranteas when it comes to income. I started off making a lot more money than I probably should have, young. - How much? - I was probably making 180 up to 200 in my 20s, but that was at a time when mentally I was not in a great space. I was in a career that was primarily commissions-based. I did not really have any kind of education around what to do when your income comes in chunks like that. It would be a bank account of $1,000, and then suddenly $50,000 check, and then I wouldn't get paid again for six months. And so I think that whiplash for somebody who was just not that practiced at what that looks like. The debt came from not really planning very well when that was going. I did a lot of personal discovery toward the end of that career and realized like, this is not something I wanted. The people I was interacting with were not people that I wanted to interact with. - Hold on, just to guess, were you an insurance broker? Commercial real estate broker. - That was giving me my number three guess. - Okay, yes, good call. Okay, so you walked away from that industry. - I did, and at that point, I had savings. I hadn't really thought about it that hard, but I was like, oh, sure, I could live on this and I needed a real reset, which I don't regret doing, but I took three months off, which was planned, and I headed in my head that, okay, three months off, I'll get a job like that, and it took another three or four months after that to get a job. And so during those three months that I had planned for, I didn't make any adjustments and had pretty much burned through what I had. How would you describe it? How do you feel about your career? - Those early times when it was a lot of money coming in, real estate market was booming. I was pretty good at my job. I had a lot of opportunities really young. I was not setting that aside, really. I was pretty much hoarding cash. I think also when I initially took that time off from work, I should have planned that to be a time of some level of scarcity. I was not going to have an income. I was living in a very expensive apartment. I didn't change that. I just kept spending like I was still had a regular income. And it didn't feel like that big of a deal for those three months 'cause I planned for it, but then it became a much bigger deal. So I think looking back, there's some elements of getting here that I could control a lot that I couldn't. And so I ended up in the spot where kind of this is what I have and I feel it feels unfair at times that this could be a thing that gets in between us. - It is unfair. Okay, so it is, let's acknowledge that. You have $100,000 of debt. Your partner is making, well, you're both making big salary. He's making a very large salary. And he's like, we're going to be in our 30s. I want to be able to ball out and we have this debt. It's unfair. Okay, now what? You got to put yourself in Mac shoes for just a minute. In his early 20s, he's making a huge amount of money, but it's commission based, so it's really up and down. Every time I talk to people who make incomes like this, they feel a lack of stability. They don't know that there's actually a way to stably manage their up and down income. Next, he loses that job and then he proceeds to subsequently lose multiple other jobs through layoffs. How would you feel if this happened to you? Probably be like, fuck, I don't even know what's happening, but I know I'm not in control. You'd probably feel a little bit incompetent. And then you might feel even worse when you see your partner who used to earn less than you start to steadily make more. You can start to understand why Mac does not have a healthy engaged relationship with money. Because for most of the last 10 years, money has been a source of negativity, stress, overwhelm, and confusion. And I hope that I can show him why this is important and then how to do it. Who is this debt a problem for? Raise your hand if this debt is a problem for you. Okay, cool, keep your hands up. I like they're both at the same level, but let me ask the question again, of this debt, who does it represent a bigger problem for? By a show of your hand going high. It's quite interesting. I guess it's technically mine on paper, but I think my reaction to it is a lot different from yours. I mean, the teamwork side of me definitely leans into the idea that it's our problem to solve. And I see it's a scary thing to hear when somebody doesn't want to acknowledge that it's a big problem for them. And I think in this scenario, it's actually one of the ones where it's like, well, this isn't my problem if I'm not here. It's one of those things that does pop into my head kind of like an intrusive thought in that way, where it's. Yeah, I don't mind that you want to be cooperative, but I will say it's hard to interpret the mixed messages that you're sending. It's like, I want to be a partner, I want to help, et cetera. We, what are we going to do, but also it's your problem because if I'm not here, good luck. I think there's two parts to it. I think one, there's like a buy-in problem from you in this scenario where it feels like I'm taking this far more seriously as a problem to solve and something that we should not have as a problem because I got this new job. And once you have that common problem, with the comfort of more money, and you start to think about how could we spend it? Where could we spend it? - And you felt hamstrung, because like, hey, I'm now making way more than I ever thought. But yet, looking at our numbers, so much of the money's going to debt, your debt. - Yeah. - Okay, so what was the end of that entire paragraph? - Our money conversations tend to end with us going our separate ways, because emotionally you get very charged up about it, and I don't like to push people past where they're willing to be comfortable. - Huh? - Is that why you came to me? - 'Cause I love it. - What the hell? - That's not how it is. - That's the whole point! You're supposed to push people past comfort to get where they want to go. What's that? - I think the difference in this scenario is it's more of a shutdown rather than a conversation. - Okay. - And I know that from personal experience, just in general, if you try to push somebody past where they've already decided they're not gonna go, that's not productive. - Fair enough, we always want to be sensitive to where our limits are. At the same time, this is a problem. Like both of you at least put your hands up halfway. We know that it's a problem. So what do you both think is the solution to this? Because if one person cannot engage in the conversation, then it kind of gets shut down. - It's not that I don't see this as a problem. It's that this is not a new problem for me. It's a new problem for you because we've only just recently been talking about it in the context of our relationship. But I mean, this is something that's been on my back for a while. So the anxiety and processing of like, how I'm gonna deal with this. I've kind of already done. - You have a debt payoff plan? - Yeah. - You know the date. - And be February of 2030. - Wow. - What, really? Okay, round of applause for that. First of all, that's very rare. You say February 2030? - Be four years or no. - You're debt free. - Yeah, I did a five year consolidation loan. Like I've come to terms with like what it is. In terms of like, I'm gonna have this payment. I know when I'm going to be out of having that payment, I also know that that's the point when I'm gonna be able to actually start saving again. I also know that barring large life changes that that's putting me out from being able to be like, on par with what you have saved because during this entire time, call it seven years, like you were talking about, your 100,000 is gonna be growing and growing in mind, growing a little bit, but not. I won't be able to get there. I've had to come to terms with that already. But I think the emotional side of it is also like excited. It feels like something we could do together. - Nice. Can you be excited about money if you are a hundred thousand dollars in debt? - I mean, I have not been able to. - You can. You can. This is interesting. So if your entire world view is like, oh no, you can't be excited. I don't know anyone who's done that. It's just the two seem completely at odds. Then of course you're gonna feel like (beep) about money. And the way you've constructed your world is that I need to feel horrible about money until 2030. And guess what, when people feel horrible about something, they don't engage in it. They simply ignore it. So you're doing a very rational thing. The problem is you have the wrong view of the world. Here's the truth. Mac is not going to be successful with money unless he completely changes his world view around it. It's not as simple as paying off the debt. He thought, all right, I created this debt payoff plan. Check the box. Good. But as you can see, even having an aggressive debt payoff plan is not solving the relationship problem. It's actually making it worse because Mac's world view is, I don't wanna talk about money. That is why I was so direct with him. I said, look, you're going to need to talk about money a lot and you're gonna need to find a way to enjoy it. Have you talked to Randy about the debt and about your plan and your feelings toward money? Yeah. What have you said? I've admitted that my relationship went from poor planning to ignoring, to anxiety, to kind of just trying to manage the anxiety I have around it by planning things out and kind of having it sit. I've also told you about how now that it feels like it's more a part of our relationship. It went from being a roommate that just has to be around all the time because it's there to being right in the middle and that's felt like a whole new world different. Bad? Yeah. And when Randy says the debt payoff plan is good, of course I would prefer if it happened faster, but from my perspective, it's a pretty solid plan. What do you think he's really saying? Is he critiquing your debt payoff plan or is there something else? I feel a lot like at that moment when I first told you I became a burden and since we've talked about it more, it's felt a little bit more like, the last few months I felt more like a negative in our relationship because of it because it's become more of a real conversation. When I first brought it up with you, it was a little bit more of like, hey, here's this thing you should know about me. I'm figuring it out and your response was amazing. It was like, yeah, I totally understand how that would happen. I've been here with you through some of that and I felt really good after that 'cause I felt really supported, but I think at that point for both of us, this was a Mac thing and not a Randy thing and then when it became an us thing, it feels like there's a little bit of whiplash of feeling supported and understood to suddenly being judged and like, I've become a problem to solve rather than a person to support. Have you said that before? Maybe not in so many words, but what's your reaction? I like a good problem to solve (laughs) I think is my default. I'm a little disheartened by some of that 'cause it means I haven't been a very good partner and it's something I can work on absolutely and I'm kind of excited to now, weirdly. As much as I don't like admitting that I have faults when I do have something to improve upon that is almost like a better thing than admitting you have a fault it's something new to get better at and I am sorry. I appreciate that from both of you. It's nice to be able to share the way that you feel about money and to be able to almost take a fresh look at what's happened in the last few months and saying like, I don't wanna be a net negative. I don't wanna be the problem to be solved and remembering that it felt good to be supported when you first brought it up, sure would be nice to feel that way again. At the same time, when I think about what you're asking for when it comes to like, as recently as a few weeks ago, like put the thing on the app, what's going on there? What are you really asking for? More control. There might be like an element of trust. Yes, associated with it, that I just don't trust that it's not gonna continue to snowball in a way that's uncontrollable. Have you told him that? No, and yes, I haven't said it in those words, but I have mentioned like, you know, we shouldn't be going and doing like, pay over for different payment plans, doing, if we buy something expensive, we should have the money in our pocket for it kind of situation. Do you notice that when you say all these things, like we shouldn't do this, we should do this, we should set up an app. It's dancing around the core thing, which is, hey, I don't know if this is right or wrong, but I'm kind of feeling the lack of trust here. Like this debt has been here for a long time. I don't feel the alarm from you that I would feel if I had this much debt, and we're in a relationship. We're living together, we're going through life together. I don't know if I should feel this way or not, but I feel this lack of trust right now. That's the crux of this. Not, can you set up an app? How does that strike you? - Accurate. I think that's the core of it. - I think the way that we, that you specifically, I talked about it when we got it, was that this was going to be something to be helpful for us to, you know, figure out the path forward, and I was pretty excited about it, 'cause I saw it more as like, okay, maybe this isn't something that's gonna be existential to our relationship, and I can be into it too, if Randy can be into it too. I don't think I realized until now, but there is an element of trust in there, which I can understand. - Randy is indirect. Do you notice it? He doesn't often say exactly what he's feeling, in part I think, because he may not actually have access to it. So instead of doing the work to find out what's truly troubling him, he might suggest things like, we need to have an app. But the app doesn't really solve the real problem, because nobody actually knows what the real problem is. There's also something I want to point out to all the people who are indirect in their communication. You know that you're indirect, if you are constantly monitoring how your partner feels. If you have a mental checklist of all the things that you are not allowed to say, or talk about, because it might hurt their feelings. You're actually not being effective in your communication. You can be direct, and you can be respectful. Notice that I am not telling you you're never gonna hurt your partner's feelings. You are. Life involves you hurting your partner's feelings sometimes. That's okay. We are not in a relationship to protect our delicate partner's feelings. Oh, there's such a flower petal. Don't do anything that would damage him. No, we're here to live a rich life. And that means sometimes we need to raise uncomfortable questions. We need to be direct. We need to have these conversations. We do it lovingly. We acknowledge, hey, this is gonna be difficult. I'm not even sure if I'm saying this the right way, but here's what's been on my mind. And if we can have the courage to have those conversations, then we can get to a much better place. That's the path to a rich life. Okay, can I tell you something that I'm kind of proud of? Over the last few months, my wife and I took a long trip around the world. And before we went, we decided we wanted to stay as close as possible to being on our fitness plan. So we created a plan of what we were gonna eat and how we were gonna train. And so I know that if I start my day off right with a pretty healthy breakfast, the rest of the day is gonna go pretty well. But if you are looking for a simple way to eat healthier meals today, check out Factor. Factor is a meal service that delivers fully prepared, ready to eat meals directly to your door. And they have a lot of variety. They have over a hundred rotating weekly meals, including high protein options, keto, GLP-1 friendly. They even have a muscle pro collection for strength and workout recovery. Factor meals include lean proteins, colorful veggies, and healthy fats. Plus, they are never frozen and they are ready to eat in under two minutes. This is an easy way to try introducing systems into your health, specifically the way you eat. And if I needed healthy, ready made meals, this is what I would use. Let's eat real. Head to factormeals.com/remete50off and use code remete50off to get 50% off and one free breakfast item per box for one year while supplies last until October 31, 2026. That's code [email protected]. [email protected]. See website for more details. - Let me try to understand more about your relationship with money today. Randy, what do you remember your family saying about money when you were growing up? - I grew up as an only kid with an only parent. So my mom was kind of independently successful and always taught me the value of a dollar and where it goes, but all she said, I mean, she always said, take care of your pennies and nickels 'cause your dollars will take care of themselves. But in the exact same breath, she also never told me to not go and experience life, which was a great thing to have an parent. I didn't have a lot of the normal money conversations, but she definitely taught me the value of trading time for items. - Oh, how'd she do that? - When I was a kid, I would get a $20 allowance. And if I wanted anything more, I had to figure out how to come up with that. - Okay. - And through that process, I obviously learned, like, go mo lawns, go clean gutters, go figure it out, and by doing that, you effectively trading time for items. And that extended to my adult life where now I'd appreciate my time and will trade dollars for getting my time back. - Ah, okay, so you're happy to spend money now to buy back your time. What are some examples of how you do that now? - Recently, we opted into having food delivery. - Okay. - What else do you remember about money? Actually, would you say your mom was upper middle class, wealthy? How would you describe that? - Probably upper middle class, definitely. I mean, I also grew up in a pretty affordable area. So that made it a little bit easier to feel upper middle class. - Got it. Any vivid memories about money? - I guess in my early 20s, I was very much conflicted with what I wanted to do in college and started off as like a data engineering degree. - Okay. - And was hoping to be a quant. So I got real accustomed to the idea of how money worked and what its levers were. And I think that's where I got my appreciation for money. - Do you like money? - I like the game. - Ah, that's very helpful, thank you. Mac, what do you remember your family saying about money when you were growing up? - I mean, I also grew up, I mean, pretty middle middle class, but we lived in a much more blue collar area. So that felt pretty upper class up through middle school. And then I went to high school and like the fancy town over. And then really bumped that up by going to the fancy private school for college. So a lot of the messages that I got from my parents was like, oh, we aren't those people. That's like very different. - Would you say? - Anytime I'd be hanging out with my friends in high school, it would be in like the fancy neighborhoods. And my parents would always like make jokes about like, oh yeah, well, you know, time to come home to where we live. And. - Implying. - Implying that like, we don't belong there. - Right. - Kind of thing. And money was like never, we were never people who were, you know, buying things all the time. We lived in the same house my entire upbringing, but it wasn't necessarily scarcity. I would say my parents are extremely frugal. My dad could pinch the copper off a penny. And my mom spending is entirely guilt-written. - Oh, it is. - Anything, yes. They're very midwestern, very religious. - Both. - Yes. - Oh my God. All right. - Yeah. - All right. - The free things. - Do they do their own lawn work? - Yes. - Of course they do. - They do. - Midwesterners love, love to do their own lawn work. They would never hire somebody to do it. - Okay. - That's definitely true. - Amazing. And then you go to private school for college. What was that like from a financial perspective and looking at the world differently? - I mean, that was my first time really interacting with a lot of people who had like real wealth. Like not just, they live in the nicer town next door, but like, you know, people whose parents were owners of corporations. And who like, you could Google someone's dad or mom and they're, you're gonna find out like their net worth. Like that kind of thing was very different for me. I've never interacted with that before. And I felt very out of place, but a need to be in place, if that makes sense. - How did it show up? - Going into finance with a finance degree from a private school and being around people who had been around a whole lot more wealth than money discussions. More that like early 20s was like, I have to prove that I'm supposed to be here. Which I think probably fed into a lot of like, not saving, 'cause like I always wanted to be living in a nice apartment, have a nice car. I never really wanted to talk about money because I knew my picture was gonna be different than anybody else's, 'cause-- - It would have been embarrassing. - I don't know what I thought it would be. It just maybe felt more like, if everyone around me had more insight into what my background actually was that like I wouldn't be accepted in the groups that I was in. What does it feel like now to know that your partner who used to make much more modest income is now one of those people who makes a ton of money. - I mean, I think I know you well enough that I've never, I don't like to see it as, oh no, we don't belong here. But when we first started dating, I was the one making a lot more money. And so I'm only a little bit older than you, but my career has been a lot longer than yours. And so it felt a little bit more like, I had this idea like I was the slightly more mature in the career, a little bit more mature in the money. Like I had more money coming in. And then as you have excelled, it's been awesome to watch. And there's no jealousy or resentment for me on that side. Like it's pure pride. I love bragging about the stuff that you've done. But it does feel weird of like, oh, I am not the one who knows what's going on. Like just because I have more years, like not only is my salary gone down, which I made a career change that's gonna happen. We talked about that, it's kind of as what it is, but it does feel a little bit weird. Like that role has flipped pretty much. And much more dramatically because even when I felt like I was like the more mature one, I was not. And so I'm also realizing that like, while we flipped and just moved further apart in terms of our knowledge and control and comfortability with finances. - That's quite insightful. Have you thought of that before today? - We've always known how much each other makes. So yeah, I guess intellectually I was aware that like mine went down. - That's not what I was thinking. - Yeah, I'd never really thought about it in that way. - How do you think that it shows up for you? 'Cause it's a change in identity. - I mean, before when it was other people I was interacting with, it was like I never would want to talk about money because I didn't want there to be like, the secrets out that like I'm not supposed to be here. - Yeah, you're the freshman in college again. - Yeah. - Coming from the blue collar world and everybody else seems to have more money. And in fact, you used to be the person who had more money and more maturity. And now you're at the quote bottom of the pecking order. - Yeah, I had not really thought about it that way, but yeah, that is how that feels. - Randy, what's your take on this? Did you realize this? - No, I'm torn 'cause on one hand I can totally understand what that feels like from the perspective of going to college and going to college. competing to be at a rank in your college class and all of that stuff and You have a very different mindset on scenarios like that where you know, it's just it's a problem of Finding an optimization which I know is an optimizer thing But I didn't know that it was that impactful toll watch me do that Do what you watched me get a new job three separate times you literally got laid off in the same week I got a new job on even an average week What do you think that feels like what do you think that causes in a relationship tension? Yep, for sure. I obviously an imbalance. It's been said as much But I also think there's like an element of You're no longer allowed to be in the conversation, which is not the intent But after hearing what you've said you sounds like you don't feel like you're privileged enough to be in the conversation And then it just happens to you rather than making it happen. I mean the conversation of money now is a little bit more like For looking into the future. It's You're the one who has the bigger future. So it was kind of like I'm not It is kind of happening to me in a way because we're together But it also feels like it's not listen. I see you about to get ready to respond just listen to what you say. It's very powerful Yeah, it's you you have the savings now can see it on the CSP I'm the one who has the negative in front which means that I'm working to get to neutral and then I'm still gonna have work to do to be positive So I I haven't had the experience to be able to talk about what we do with the money and Now it feels almost pointless to be learning about it because like what what am I gonna do with that information now? Like you get to make those choices It is the money that you're earning and you do deserve to have that money And for me I want to check out because It doesn't even really matter what I'm gonna say and and frankly I don't know that I would have anything to say that's even better than what you have I mean, it's like obvious that you're better at it than me. So it's like I'm gonna get stressed out and feel really terrible and I also don't really have much to contribute here anyway So like why do I have to feel this negative and this bad when there's not even really anything for me to contribute in the first place? What do you think Randy? Disheartened I feel like I'm kind of bummed you don't feel like you can come talk to me and ask me questions I don't know if it's that I don't feel like I can ask you questions and it's not that I don't know how these things work I do I have a degree in it, but um, it's like Just getting to talk about it. I'm either going to be feeling Not really part of it and just awful or at best just kind of like a little disinterested because it's like it doesn't it doesn't matter Like this is gonna be a you thing. Doesn't matter. Yeah Tell him it does matter And we're solving for we not me and I don't think that it's just a me problem Especially if we're gonna have a future together and I would like it if you were a part of that conversation I think there's an interesting dynamic here And I think you are both really starting to get to the core of it So what I just heard from you Mac was a lot really honest vulnerable sharing of like Like it doesn't really feel like this matters. It doesn't feel like anything I do is really gonna change it And you're the one making more money and so if we're talking about money is gonna be about you and your ability to save Obviously, that's hard to hear Randy Your response was I'm disheartened that you feel you can't come to me and ask questions But in human nature, we do not ask people questions when we feel bad about something You know what we do? We hide and we try to avoid paying attention to it at all That's the way it works So the job of both of you is to create a healthy culture Where by default you get the opportunity to talk about it Not just get it, but you are actually compelled to talk about it Just the same way as like if a couple had kids Oh, I don't like to talk about kids. Well, we have a kid. We got to talk about kids. That's how it works Right Money's actually the same thing. It's just a little bit more convenient to avoid it I see how you have both co-created this dynamic Randy You know, I think there's some resentment here Especially as your income has steadily increased And you're looking at this debt payoff plan and implicit in what you're saying is like How do you do it faster? I know you have the numbers in this plan, but like How does it go faster? And I'm over here like Is speed the thing that we need to worry about here? Because four years to pay off 100k to me is like pretty good Maybe we can make it three and a half. I could play with some numbers with you But like is that really the issue? No. What is it? The trust element that we had talked about it's just so I guess paramount to what I'm concerned about and it feels like There is no plan around it as you mentioned plan being Because you got a debt payoff plan. Well the plan around not having it happen again okay Very much feels like it's still something that can happen Again and again and again and it's not gonna change the pattern because once you're out you can get back in You know how to solve the problem now where we can go in this loop and I don't want to be in stuck in the loop. I mean, I think That is fair you were there for some of that accumulation But most of it happened before we had even met and so there's a little bit of like I have the understanding of how I got there you don't and I can I can totally see how that's like If it happened once it can absolutely happen again Especially if I'm consistently coming off as it not being a big deal. There you go I don't know. I kind of see it as a game and I wish we could treat it as a thing to tackle And get excited about it so that once you're out of the zeros and then just start going up We can celebrate that win in a very different way. Yes. I absolutely can do that. I think that Um, Randy is perfectly acceptable for you to ask tough questions and to say look we're building this relationship together and We are a high earning couple and I understand that you've got debt And I want to support in the way that you need to be supported But my expectation is that you pay this off aggressively you follow the debt payoff plan I think it's a great plan and I want to know how you are going to make sure that this doesn't happen again Go ahead, Mack. I think I've got to be transparent about like what I'm actually doing every month with you Even though we have all the accounts and things. It's like you're just looking. You're not looking inside my head Um, I need to tell you more about what I'm feeling and what Where it's going and like what I'm Trying to do so that you know that this is something that's on my mind. It is something that Yes, I get a little emotional about it for a lot of different reasons, but it's not something that I don't have some level of control over Um, you have total control over this don't say some control you have complete control over this debt You incurred it you have a debt payoff plan you have an income. That's all you need You have complete control over it. Own that and I love what you just said. I need to provide transparency literally Write up your monthly transparency report It's not punitive. It's not like you're a child It's actually your partner. So you do it work. Here's what's going on. Here are the numbers. Here's what that numbers mean So I think you're totally on the right track What is your reaction? I notice a bit of a reaction when I say you own the debt you have control over it I think It was that moment. It's It dawned on me that I didn't realize how not in control. I felt yeah I'm glad I'm glad to be able to provide a little perspective because when I see a debt payoff plan That's that aggressive. You many people take decades to pay off 100k You're not going to doubt in less than four years and I'm like all right. That's great, but you you are able to do the math But you have not yet transitioned your mindset to realizing I'm doing this and because you're not transitioning your mindset. You're not confident Even though you are relatively competent at the debt payoff plan That energy is rubbing off on Randy and so Randy sees this lack of confidence Not talking about it avoiding it not carrying the ball openly and he goes. I don't trust you. What's going on? Fill out this app Da-da-da-da-da-da and the irony is you actually have a nice plan But neither of you have recalibrated your relationship Okay, cool. Let's keep going on this The rich life for the two of you. Would the two of you say you live like Like a very nice life. Yes. Okay, so you heat out you travel etc. etc. Cool. I get it I like talking to people who like to spend money on the things they love. I think it's great High earners especially you've often earned the ability to do that great. I kind of daydream about the day We don't have any debt to think about And how we can put away each of us $1,000 for four months and go on an $8,000 trip three times a year. Oh, okay. Where would you go? Vancouver Brussels. I don't know. I mean, there's a bunch of places. We've got a list for sure. Yeah, okay - Cool. - I wanna go on a mountain biking trip that's guided by somebody in Austria. I would like to go explore Mexico and go do all the tequila tastings down there and understand culturally what they do. - Yeah. - Do you travel now? - I'm not as experienced as Mac, but it's something I do like to do. - What about the two of you? Do you currently travel? - Yeah. - And then how does the money work with that? - 50/50 for the most part. - Yeah. - Why? - 50/50. - I think that's where we just naturally landed because originally when we started dating, he made more, but I also had much more control over my finances, so it just kinda worked. - Yeah. - And as the Delta has gotten further and further apart, we just have not revisited that conversation because it's kind of a familiar thing, right? - Yeah. - Think about Mac, when your income dropped, when you were laid off and you did not adjust, and what was the consequence of that? - Spending more than I had. - Yeah, it was like a decade of debt because of that. Do you all see that there are severe consequences for not adjusting to the reality of changing situations? It's actually so important. Almost nobody does it. They lose their job, they keep spending the same, or they make a ton more, they keep things the same, obviously one way is worse, but it has severe consequences. So we're gonna fix that as well, because if one person is earning way more, we need to adjust things, okay? In your rich life, do you have a vision of your finances? - I mean, I think you have a lot more that's involved in spending money to buy back time, and for me, that's a little bit less important. I think with the cooking one, that often did fall to you, 'cause you work remote and I work in an office, so you really wanna be able to have someone who does the cleaning. And if we've got it all set aside, we've got someone doing laundry and someone fixing a lot of those things, I think that's less important to me. - How would you reconcile that, assuming the two of you get married and you combine your money? - I think I'm pretty comfortable with the idea of if we're hitting our goals on our savings, I don't really feel the need to be policing like what's there, if it's combined and that's something that fits in, then we still have room for the other stuff that's important to us, then I might sit there and be like, I don't know why you're doing that, but I'm not gonna, that's not that big of a problem. - Let me ask about your identities. Mac, who do you need to become in order to live this vision of a rich life? - I think I need to become a little bit more of the person I network. I have to be hyper-organized and on top of everything all the time, I'm pretty good at that at work, I need to be that at home too. - Nice. - What else? - I have to be more confident as well. I need to be communicating to you that I've got this and I need to also be showing you that I've got this. And that once we're together and like kind of a decade past where we are now and looking back on it, I think I need to be the person who can separate that and be like, boy, that sucked. Glad we got through it. Super happy about where we are now. - Beautiful. That was amazing. The ability for you to future pace yourself and see what you're gonna look back on and how you're gonna tell that story like incredible. I can feel that because you're right. Like, oh, that sucked. I'm proud of what we did. I'm proud of what I did. You already are seeing that pride. It just needs a little time to cook. Amazing, I love that. Randy, what about you? Who do you need to become in order to live this rich life? - Champion of your successes, I think. A better pillar. - Can I make a couple suggestions? I think you need to be more direct. I think the mixed messages are killing you. So it's very clear what you need to do and it's very clear what we need to do. Those need to be explicit. I can cheer you on, but this is your thing. And here's what I expect. - Doble. - Great. I love that. One other thing. I wanna take a look at your numbers in a second, but I suspect you may need to change some dynamics on your CSP. The 50/50 thing doesn't work when one of you is earning 50% more than the other. I'm gonna propose that we change that. You all can discuss, maybe at some point Randy goes, look, I really want us to take this trip together. Let me cover this one. It means a lot to me. Great, you can gracefully accept. Maybe you're just like, yeah, anything below a hundred bucks. Okay, fine, it's not really gonna affect anything. But you've got to also be able to change the way you look at spending your relationship. Randy, you're nodding. - I mean, even coming here, I like the idea of being able to be the pair of that in some scenarios. And you just don't want me to sometimes. And you kind of, it was pretty pissed off about you buying dinner last night. - I think there's your good conversations for the two of you to have. Like you will have to come up with a new way of treating money. Because the facts of the matter are, one of you earns 50% more than the other, okay? One of you is in $100,000 of debt. It is on an aggressive debt payoff plan. And you still want to enjoy life. I'm not saying don't do anything, but you're probably going to have to adjust what you spend money on, how you spend money, and how frequently you do. So I'm gonna put the CSP up, and I wanna take a look at some of the numbers and let's make some adjustments. So as we can see right now, we have one partner, Randy, with 47% fixed costs and another Mac with 87% fixed costs. That's simply not feasible. The one thing that immediately jumps out to me is your rent. It's 50/50. Now, y'all, you are not married, but you are living together. In my opinion, it makes sense for your joint expenses to be proportional. How do you feel about that? - That's a conversation that we've had. - Oh, what? - Like, I'm okay with that. - What's your take? - Yeah, I feel very uncomfortable. - Why? - I don't know, again, it's like my thing to be dealing with. I don't really want to be cutting into what you're enjoying because of that. - What is that? What? He makes more money. Like, look at me, I make more money. I pay more taxes than somebody who is making like $35,000 a year. I should. He makes more money. He should proportionally pay more of joint expenses. It actually has nothing to do with your debt. He has the ability to do it. He actually said he wants to. What's the objection? - That's hard for me to believe that you actually want to. - I could see why. And I know there's obviously mixed messaging we've talked about it. I think the realization I've come to though is that the proportionality is important because it makes fair feel, fair versus equal. - Nice. Fair or equitable, much more important than equal. You're never going to be equal in your relationship. No couple is equal. Not with stuff around the house, not with earnings, none of it. But if we make it equitable, if we make it fair and we discuss it, that can be great. - I mean, it would certainly make me feel like I have a lot more space to either be more aggressive or to be able to keep up with some of the stuff that we like doing. - I was a little surprised that Mac was resistant to doing proportionality for their joint expenses. I mean, after all, there's a disparity in their income and they live together. To me, this is a perfect recipe for proportional spending on joint expenses. But this idea that we have, which is quite unexamined of equality, everything should be equal. Why would it be? Am I equal to freaking Michael Jordan on the basketball court? Of course not. And yet, in arbitrary parts of life, usually the most unexamined ones we go, it's all gotta be equal. How can it be equal if one person earns 50% more? It can be fair, but it probably will not be equal. And how do we do that? We have discussions. We talk about what are we contributing to this relationship? We never overvalue the contribution of money. Just 'cause you can put in a spreadsheet doesn't mean it's more valuable. There are lots of ways to be valuable in a relationship, including emotional labor, labor at home, money, planning. There's so many different ways, but we need to shine a light on these and we need to be honest about them. And we need to be open to changing those as situations change. I think the hardest part for me is there's always gonna be a little bit of a doubt in the back of like, are you actually okay with it? Like is this actually something that am I just being the burden again, I guess? - I think it comes back to a plan. I don't wanna fund the fund money if you have debt to pay off. And that would be a hard stop for me If that. We're the case where, you know, we're paying, I'm paying, let's say a thousand dollars extra in rent and That extra thousand dollars rather than it going to a place that's going to get us where we want to be faster It's going to more spending on things you want that doesn't feel fair Are you then willing to not go on certain vacations and restaurants for the next few years? Yeah? Take the win. So let's make the changes in the CSP and see what it looks like. Okay, cool Proportional payments we are going to have Randy pay 2282 And Mac is going to pay 1556 Notice the number drop from 87% to 81% that's a bit of relief Subscriptions. What is this? What's a hundred and forty dollars of subscriptions when you have a hundred thousand dollars of debt? The largest part of that is a gem membership, but what is it one? Oh nine. Yeah, 109. All right. What's the other 30 Spotify? Netflix Joe living in the same place once you just share it Sorry Netflix guys. I mean, it's literally the same household. What's the problem? Eliminate this. I'm going to do it for you. I don't want to talk about this anymore 110 Miscellaneous. Oh, yeah, what you just let this be 15% right you didn't change this Okay, here's the deal When you're making like a ton of money then the 15% I sort of don't care because I found a lot of people have 15% fixed costs extra I put it in there It's remarkably consistent, but when you are in debt You can't allow that to happen You have to be dialed in so In your case, I would say because you are now your identity has changed taking the ball owning it being meticulous the same way you are at work about your own personal finances This 743 not acceptable. What do you want to make it? 250 bucks Better wait, you have a hundred thousand dollars of debt. I'm taking that down 150 I believe you need to be dialed it I'm raising the bar on expectations and actually this is what I want you to do because we have a mission And it's for me first and foremost For Mac, but it's also for us Take that energy and communicate that to your partner. He wants and needs to see that as well Okay, we have zero dollars in investments. I sure would like to see that number change a bit What do you think Randy's nodding his head furiously? I I don't know like the right balance of Putting money into investments versus high interest debt like I'd rather just get rid of the debt and then worry about investing in things later I like to see people even if they're paying off debt to have a little bit going towards savings and investing It's kind of like keeping the factory on it keeps the widgets moving so even like a hundred bucks a month Is actually meaningful and it's meaning it just sends a message to yourself saving is important to me Investing is important to me. So let's take a look here. I'm just gonna arbitrarily pick a number. Okay. I'm gonna say a hundred dollars a month for investing And I'm gonna say a hundred dollars a month for an emergency fund Wow, okay, you this is quite amazing. Look at the bottom here. What do you see? Yeah, that went on to or up to 25% went up by What is that eight hundred dollars? It's crazy. Yeah, so I see you have 25% of net pay available To do whatever you want with and that is $1,793 a month. That's a lot of money Now the question is What do you want to do with that money? I wanted to be going into something long-term whether that be Increasing the investing side. I mean, I think I am in a spot where if something happened to Our relationship or to you and or to me like I would not have any kind of buffer. So I'm gonna put some in savings then Yeah, for sure. Let's take some of that. How much? I have about 6,000 or so today in savings. I probably need We're like 20, 25,000 to feel like that's comfortable. So call it 300 dollars. Let's go a little higher 500 dollars. Yeah, I think 500 is good plus the 100 you already have is 600. Watch what happens to the numbers You're now at 8% savings rate. That's pretty good. I like to see that number 5 to 10% maybe a little higher You're guilt-free spending. I like to see that number at 20 to 35% But that's for somebody with no debt If you have debt should that number be higher or lower? I should definitely lower for sure lower So at 18% you're still kind of like at 20% so what it's telling me is You got money still to reduce on guilt-free spending and to allocate elsewhere now again This would depend on the two of you because if you all are going out to freaking masa in New York or something that's not gonna work But that means you probably need to change the dynamic of your relationship number one. You may need to reduce The frequency of how often you go to these nice places and two you may need to reconsider who pays for them for a while Okay Let's take this number down. I'd like to see this number at somewhere like 12 to 15% So we got a few hundred bucks to play with where do you want the money to go? Probably increasing the debt payment Okay, it's up there. Yeah, it's a principle. Why not all right. So it's at 2038. How about we say like 20 400 just to play games 24 whoa We're now at 13% guilt-free spending or $931 a month if you combine that With your guilt-free spending Randy That is $4,900 a month now I understand the two of you are not married so you may want to keep your guilt-free spending separate Or you may want to combine it because you're like hey, we do everything together. We enjoy it But the important part here is you both look individually and together To realize that's a load of money every month So that means like if Randy goes hey, I really want to eat at this restaurant This one is going to be on me. It's important and Randy would have to be aware That Mac has $931 a month total for everything guilt-free spending self-care travel all of it So if you want to do other stuff then you probably either need to pick up the tab or don't suggest it How do you feel about that? Confident I can do that. I'm a homebody great And then and then the times that you want to travel you can discuss it and that's a that's an honest discussion so I would suggest that most of the time Mac you're going to be like look I of course I'd love to take this trip But right now I'm on a mission to pay this that off so I can't do it or Hey, I'd really like to do this right now. I'm on a mission can't do it and then Randy you might go You know what I totally understand that it's important for me that both of us do this this one is on me And you two can hash it out Would that be okay? Yeah Yeah, it might be hard a little bit might be feel a little weird, but I don't care if it's weird. I want success Okay, um, we have some utilities changes by the way. Let's take a look here 149 101 you know you go and make the adjustments proportionally and it It starts to go into all parts of the CSP and it makes things much more equitable somebody who's are earning 50% more Should be paying more proportionally for joint expenses you have to 955 a month and guilt for spending Your savings is growing back at six hundred dollars a month That's pretty cool You got a hundred bucks a month going to investing not to mention your 401k It's like and the debt is paid off in how many years and four years for now four years actually sooner than that Yeah, cuz we increased it yeah exactly. I I can't do the math off the top of my head But it would probably be something like three point six years Like it's fast By the time that ends you will have Thousands more in your savings account You'll have thousands more in your investing account You two will have lived a very nice life And you will be debt-free. What do you think? I'm excited by it I am also excited about that I think it's the hardest part is going to be me Believing you that you're okay with it not that I think you're lying, but that like How can I show that? I think we just need to be talking about it and how we're feeling about it And I can commit to working on my reaction to talking about these things it feels Like in this mode it feels less like something is Hunting me and almost more like I'm doing the hunting which feels pretty good Okay, yeah, I like that. I like that metaphor Yeah, you are doing the hunting you're in charge I feel really good about Randy and Mack I think the fact that they came to ask for help before they get married is a huge sign That they take this seriously these are not easy conversations to have so the fact that they're doing it Going through this tough stuff and these realizations is a really positive sign for me My wish for them is that they start to see themselves as a unit They can keep their finances separate. They can be more proportional on the joint expenses They can have a plan where Mack is the one driving the debt payoff as he should But more importantly, they start to talk together as partners about what should our money do today and tomorrow What do we enjoy doing? Is it more important for us to be debt-free as a couple then for us to go on this trip In September I want them to have those vivid Sometimes contentious discussion as partners, if they can do that, I feel very good about where they're going. And now, let's take a look at their follow-ups. - Hey, repeat, hey team, it's Randy. Calling in with their one-week update. Mack and I have had the opportunity to really work through the homework you sent home with us. I think the most surprising thing for me with that experience was that the idea of equitable and even aren't necessarily the same thing and in our scenario, they're not. That has turned out to be one of the very first things we implemented as a couple was to go ahead and split all of our finances 60, 40, write down based on how much income we have. I think one of the biggest things that has changed in our communication and also the way we talk about finances actually is largely Mack taking ownership over the process of planning finances and really being involved from the get-go and what we do, how we tackle finances and more importantly, how much ownership he feels like he has. So it's no longer him writing along, but it's actually more of him being in charge in leading that. One of the outcomes of that is that I've gotten the freedom and kind of the mental bandwidth to stop being the bad guy and instead we get to kind of enjoy the process of where we're at. It'll definitely be one of those things where we can look back at it a decade from now and say that really sucked, but boy, did it put us ahead and it gives us some excitement to kind of look forward to the future. So I appreciate the time. See you guys later. - All right, me, I want to give you a quick update for our conversation last week. They really shifted our mindset when it comes to our individual finances and what we're building together. The biggest surprise for me was realizing that my debt pay off clan is actually not that bad and there's realistically room to put even more toward it. But the real game changer was learning that Randy wasn't just willing to split expenses proportionally with me, but he was actually excited to do it once he knew that I was the one with his strategy. I realized that by trying so hard to keep my financial challenges to myself and not make them Randy's problems, I actually made things worse for the both of us. It made him feel defensive of his own savings and spending and it wrote his trust that I was also working hard on my own finances too. I spent so much time worrying about how Randy felt about things that we weren't really having honest conversations and we lost sight of the main goal. Crushing the debt and building a life that we want together. Your analogy about who has the ball really stuck with us, although we're big hockey fans, so we're calling it who has the puck. And I've officially taken the puck in our regular money conversations. I'm not only building the agenda but leading the topics, asking the questions and still creating space for Randy to get his own input as well. I've set up our refined CSP in our own savings and tracking apps so that when we do have our money conversations, it feels less like confronting the really big problems every single time, and more like solving the small and medium ones. Makes it much more fulfilling to be engaged, and he's here to take some of the bad emotions out of the conversation and replace them with feelings of accomplishment each time we sit down to tackle a problem. We definitely came out of this experience with the better understanding of each other and what we want in our relationship. We even talked realistically about a timeline to get married once we're ready. Don't worry, Remy. We'll be sure to send you an invite to the party. Hey, team, this is Randy calling in with my four-week update. Things have been going really good. We moved to an apartment and actually not even the same one that we intended to. We found a better deal that gave us three months free. We set up a joint fixed cost account that allows us to put everything that we would naturally spend anyway in doing account together, split the same way we planned on, which was 60/40, and it gets rid of the problem of then mowing each other back and forth, who owes who and instead just allows the money to come out of our accounts kind of organically, which feels really good. That apartment that we ended up changing over to has three months free, which kind of nets out to $10,000. So that allows us to very quickly in the next three months build up a shared buffer for us, just in case anything were to ever happen, and then it allows both of us to individually also save up money, which feels really good. It feels like we're on the right path. Along that, Mack and I have definitely aligned our expectations and helped each other understand what we are kind of aiming for long-term. One of the things I decided to do was put in the same amount of effort he is in paying debt down, and I'm going to save an equivalent amount, which feels really good. We did our first version of that in the last couple of weeks and immediately texted each other individually and said how good that felt. So long-term, things are looking up, and I'm really excited for the future. Hope you guys are doing good. I'll see you on the flip side. It's been about six weeks since we first met, and we definitely made some big changes, and I think it's been really great for the two of us. I think one of the biggest changes that I've seen is Randy's been a lot more comfortable with being able to split a lot of our fixed expenses proportionally every month, and I've gotten more comfortable with that too. It's really given me a lot more flexibility to focus on my own debt payoff plan, but also to be able to boost my own savings, see that. Emergency fund grow a little bit and feel a little bit more like I'm pulling my own weight for the stuff that we're sharing. I think I've gotten a lot better about setting boundaries for certain things, whether that is some bigger purchase comes up, and I say, this is not the month for me, can we wait? Or maybe it's a trip for something that we decide to put off a little bit longer. And there's been a few times when it's been worth it for Randy to just go ahead and do it, or pay for it, and I've had to get comfortable with that, but it's been a great way for us to be able to have those conversations and to feel like we're making the decisions together, which is really nice. We have set up in various apps the way that we can see each other's accounts, obviously our shared account, but also our individuals, individual savings and checking accounts. It gives a lot more visibility so that we can see where everything is going. Randy can see where I'm paying to every month and can see the balances go down at the same time that I do. But interestingly, I don't think I've ever of us have really felt the need to police that. We check in with each other every month during our monthly meetings, but we haven't felt the need to actually be tracking along and see how each other's doing. It's built a lot of trust for both of us and has made the financing discussions be once a month and pretty fun, actually, which has been great. We just had one of the bigger stressors that any relationship can have, which is moving into a new house. It is obviously a lot, but we sat down for at least once every week for the month leading up to figure out what expenses we were going to have if we needed to get any new furniture, anything, paying for movers, all of that, decided what felt fair for each of us to pay for what. And it made it so that the day of the move was a little stressful as any move can be, but we were able to make the whole process overall, I actually feel a lot more comfortable, collaborative, even a little bit fun, which has been great. So we're really excited to be able to have some new skills and some new comfort with how we can build our life together. And we're really grateful for the chance to be able to be on your show and be able to talk about it. And we're excited to see where it goes. Thanks. If you want to know the exact month and year that you will have $100,000 in your investment portfolio, sign up for my new program, Road to 100K. I'll help you hit that number fast. Go to IWT.com/100K to sign up.