Have You Noticed You're Getting Irritated by Things That Never Used to Bother You?

Hello, my beautiful friend. Welcome back to another episode of Decide to Heal. I'm your host, Alejandra. And oh my goodness, this was a challenging episode to create for many reasons. One, because of the topic itself, it's not like anger is something we want to address. It's something we typically want to run from and avoid. And also overwhelm. Is one of the number one things I hear from the women that I have connected with and gotten the privilege to work with throughout my, while 22 years of coaching, it seems like overwhelm is the foundation to most of women's lives and what they're experiencing. And what actually brought on this episode, it was inspired by one of my clients in the Decide to Heal program Andrea, if you are listening this episode, you inspired because it was so just raw and meaty and a spoke to your healing journey, but also every woman that was in that group coaching call was like, dang, yes. Thank you. We had such a rich conversation and so many awarenesses and acknowledgements that happened through that conversation. And yet, it's a hard one. So here we are. We are going to dive into this. Welcome my friend. Let's get going and jump in. (upbeat music) Okay, so there's some key things we're going to talk about today. We're going to talk about why we suppress how God designed us to feel, how we are naturally designed to feel and express. We're going to look at what suppression does to the body and what expression actually looks like. Now, within these four things, it sets the foundation for true healing, true joy, true transformation, like whatever you want to call what it is that you're looking for in your life. It's going to give you the results that you're looking for. And these are four key things that I find that most of the traditional self-help models out there or the people talking about this aren't fully discussing and aren't giving you fundamentally what is required to have healing and listen, oh my gosh, there is so much noise out there, I get it. I've been sucked into it to myself. And even today as I'm recording, I'm like, okay Lord, (laughs) do I really want to record this podcast right now or should I just like go take a walk? Because it's not like the most joyful of days. I'm walking through something and it's not like I know what that is and I'm just not sharing it with you. It just feels like this little bit of a pit in my stomach and I'm just kind of like, hmm, what is this about? And it's just been kind of hanging out there for today. Which if you know me, you know I have this conversation a lot that when we talk about healing, we're not talking about like heal duh. Like there's no ending point as far as I know and have witnessed over these 22 years of working with thousands of women and men really and having connected with, you know, the people in this self-help bit like the high ups, like the guru master type people. We never reach it. And biblically, it never says that we do either until we are face to face with him. So it's the ink part that's important. It's healing. So even though I have done my own work, I've been doing this for so long. I am surrendered to God. I'm still half human, which is one of the things we're going to talk about today. Like we are in a fallen world and we will have ups and downs. It is just a part of life. And I'm getting to this place of embracing that and just honoring the walk that you're in no matter what. And so that's how I was like, okay, you know what? We're just going to surrender into this and let you lead Lord and whatever comes out comes out. So buckle up my friends because here we go. Two biggest topics. Let's jump into why we suppress. Everything that we do is trying to find some sense of safety. We all want to feel safe within our life. It is fundamental to our nature. Where our brains are literally programmed to seek safety. That part of the brain called the amygdala is constantly asking us the question of am I safe? Am I safe? How about now? How about now? So it's constantly scanning our thoughts, our actions, other people's actions, other people, what they're saying, doing. It's like in constant scan mode to make sure that we are safe. And when we don't feel seen, heard, valued, understood, we don't feel safe. And most of my clients, which is the conversation that we were having and what Andrea said in our group coaching call, had something to do with like, okay, hold on, shoot. I don't want to mess it up because it was like spot on what she was saying. So let me bring up what she specifically said. It was something like, I'm struggling with properly managing my anger and overwhelm. And the way that she said it properly managing. Now, I don't know if you would have ever picked up that word, but I instantly do because I know the difference between dealing and healing. So the moment I heard her say managing, it was like, wait, why are you trying to manage the emotion of anger specifically? And overwhelm. That's exhausting. Why would you do that? And so we got into the conversation around it. And first, uncovering this place of why we're suppressing and having to do a safety. And when I brought up the fact that we don't feel safe when we're not seeing her valued or understood, it was like this full on light bulb moment for her of recognizing that like, yeah, so much of my life, I have been misunderstood. I'm the one who went off to college when no one in my family ever did. Everybody like plays the same role. Get married, have kids, follow along as everybody else did. Don't be the go getter. Don't be the visionary. So she was almost like the black sheep. So talk about not being understood. It made her feel very unsafe. And I hear versions of that same kind of story. But listen, bottom line in relationship with anyone, whether it's your partner, a sibling, a friend, a coworker, a business partner, whoever that might be boyfriend, girlfriend. If we don't feel seen, heard or valued, it gives us this sense that we don't belong and we're not accepted or we're not enough. And absolutely, it triggers that part of the amygdala that tells you you are not safe. And when we don't feel safe, what are we going to feel? Afraid, right? We're going to feel fear. And fear will always then send us into a fight mode, a flea mode or a freeze mode, right? Our three main fear responses, fight, flee or freeze. And that's because your brain is literally trying to take you from a place of, I'm not safe, to feeling safe. So you'll revert into one of those places. The other thing that happens is we take on a role to help us to try and feel safe. And what I mean by a role is that we play three main roles in our relationships where either victim, villain or hero. And if there is anyone who is not feeling seen, heard, valued or understood, you're going to automatically cast the other person in your life as the villain. And hence, making you feel like a victim. Sometimes hero, but most of the time victim, 'cause you're automatically casting that other person as the villain, which also doesn't make you feel safe. And then we have these other things that we call, or I call, dominant behaviors. So a behavior by definition is basically a way in which you act, right? Like it's something you're doing, it's a way that you're behaving. And behaviors, we're not born with them. Like no baby is born knowing how to control or avoid or be defensive. Those are learned between the ages of three and five. At a time when our amygdala, our emotional state is like learning so much, it's being so observant. by what's actually happening around us in our environment. And there's so many times that, of course, our little brains don't understand things, and we don't feel safe. So we look to a parent and see them being controlling or avoidant or defensive or manipulative, something of that nature. We learn how to do it, we apply it, and then somehow it makes us feel safe, which there's a whole thing to get into around that and a lot more to dive in. So we're not going to go there today, but stay tuned, 'cause I'm gonna have to do another episode around just these dominant behaviors. But we create this drama and conflict by stepping into a fight, mode, or avoiding because we're fleeing from something or we're casting another person as the villain, but believing that we're the victim, because we don't feel heard or valued or respected or understood. And through all of that, the one thing that's happening is we are suppressing. Suppression is just another version of all of these things. Basically, we can group it into like suppression of anger and overwhelm for that fact. Just become a way for us to try and manage not feeling safe. We go internal basically to pinch things off when they are naturally flowing. Here's what I mean by that. I'm gonna use, well, hold on, let me say that in a moment. I've got an analogy for you, but I wanna bring it up in just a minute. I think another more important piece to share at this point is that in this whole safety world that we're trying to live in and create for ourselves, we're going outside of ourselves to try and find safety. It's a circumstance like we're trying to create to make us feel safe. It's something that we try and do or one of those dominant behaviors controlled to try and create, having a safety in our life, feeling a sense of safety. It's something we look for externally and my friend, it is not, it is not an external thing. Here's why. We are made in God's image. So you are daughter and when your identity is, like built, firmly planted, rooted inside of the identity of daughter, then God abides in you and you abide in him. And listen, that is where safety truly comes from. It is that deep interconnected relationship with him that nothing and no one can take from you. It is an internal doing, not an external like needing. So why do we suppress safety? Let's move into the next piece, which is how God actually designed us to feel. You know, at the hospital, how they like hook people up to those heart monitors and it shows, you know, if you're, while, if your heart is unhealthy, it's going to have like spikes all the way up and then drops all the way down. Either one of those, the like high highs and the low lows are obviously not healthy. Like we don't want that or you could have the flatline, which is also not what we want at all. We want a flu, you know, like the ups and downs, almost like a ripple that you would notice in a river. They're like just a little ups, like little hills, ups and downs. That's what we're looking for because that's how God designed us to live. As we are half human in this fallen world, we're going to have those ups and downs. Like just how I was sharing how I've been feeling today, it's like this is one of those downs, but it is not the drastic, like the bottom has fallen out from under me. I'm at the lowest low. Like it's just this little like, huh? Okay, not how my typical self is, but here we are, walking through this. We want the ebbs and the flows. I'm like moving my hand in this kind of way before. I wish you could see it, but I hope you can imagine what that looks like. Those ripples, right? That is what and how God designed us to live. And look, if you look to a child, I should have mentioned this in the other one, but it's coming up now. That when you look at children, they still express their emotions naturally because God designed us to express naturally. It's proof when a child is sad, it cries. When a child is angry, they yell and scream and tantrum. When they are happy, there's this elated joy. Like sometimes maybe they're still screaming attached to the joy, but it's like contagious. Oh my goodness. It's so like, yes, give me more. I love that. Looking at children, we can see how God has naturally made us to be. And the expression of emotion that comes out of them is so natural. Another person we can look to to show us that this is how God, God designed us to feel and express not suppressed. Is Jesus? He expressed his emotions. He expressed when he was sad, he cried. He didn't hide it from others when he was angry. He was there turning over tables. He expressed when he was joyful, he was dancing, singing. The emotion is something that is so beautiful. We were just taught that it's not and that we should suppress it, not trust it and be afraid of it. You know, I hear clients talk to me all the time about like, okay, I got what you're saying, Alejandra, but yet, what if I go there and like it never ends? Like this is one of the fears that we have that it just won't end and we'll get somehow stuck in that emotion. So here's where I'm going to share that gross analogy I brought up just a little bit ago. So forgive me, but it works so well. And it also comes back to this point that we're proving here that God is designed us to naturally feel. It's the same as peeing. Yes, I said peeing. We're going to talk about urinating. So stick with me. I know it's gross, but it fits so well. Okay. God designed us to expel not holds. Like when you have to pee really bad. Okay. And you finally go to the bathroom and it just like you start flowing, right? It's just like flowing, flowing, flowing. And there might even come a moment where you're like, oh my goodness. Is this ever going to end? Is it going to stop at any point? Please. And guess what happens? It does. It always ends, right? I always have clients ask something like, well, how do I know when I'm done? Like, how do I know when the emotion is expressed and it's done? It's the same thing as peeing too. Do you know when you're done? Yeah. Always. You're never like sitting on the toilet for 20 minutes. Like, oh gosh, am I done yet? I don't know. Should I get up? Should I not? What do I do? You know, I mean, there's sometimes, of course, when your belly is not great, but we won't get into that part. We don't have to go that far. You know, you're just done. Now, there is something also that this goes to prove to. If you have ever, I don't know anybody that's done this, but maybe you've had to do it before, like try to pinch it off. Like you're in the midst of a free flow, okay? And you pinch it off. You're going to cause all sorts of problems because you're trying to suppress what was meant to be naturally expelled and expressed. Like it's going to cause some havoc in your body. So my friend, emotions and expressing of emotion, it's the same thing. They are meant to free flow out of the body. The same as P is meant to free flow out of your body. Okay. I know. Thank you for sticking with me. I'm not saying like this isn't invitation. It's not an invitation to like blow up your life and like, okay, let every emotion out all at once. No, it's about just showing you that this is how God designed us. It's what you're meant to do. And the reason you haven't was all for that safety piece and using these protective mechanisms that's like pinching off what's naturally meant to flow. It doesn't work. and it creates a lot of unhealthiness within your body. So let's go there. Like what does suppression do to the body? This is where I'm so glad Andrea shared this with me and her coaching group call because she was saying that she's had this like dull chest pain for years and you know the doctors keep saying, well she's fine, she's fine. But she feels like she's not fine, of course. Like before joining the decide to heal program, she was in a very toxic job situation. She was wearing her work like bags is how she was describing it. She I remember she put like her hands over her chest and shoulders and it was like, oh, you could instantly feel the baggage that she was feeling. She started getting knots in her back. Her teeth were starting to like crowd because she'd been like clamping her jaw for so long. And so she's in this call sharing with us that she had been running completely on adrenaline for years. And now that she is healing and expressing her emotions and learning how to heal because she made the decision to heal, her body is now like exhaling. And she's finally like the chest pains are starting to dissipate. And she's like actually getting to move. So the reason why I mention this is because suppression, like you don't know how it's gonna come out in your body. A lot of ways for many women is through anxiety, depression. Those are two of the main ones and it is heavy. And your body can only sustain for so long before it breaks down. And that's why again, I loved that analogy of being like impenching it off. What do you think it would do? 'Cause the same is true for emotions. So let's talk about this fourth and final piece here of like what expression actually looks like. There is scientific proof of this because there's so many people that have gone back and forth with which is really true. But now it is proven that we feel before we think. So it's gonna hit the body before our brain can catch up. This is why so many of like the self-helpy things out there, I just like ugh, they just, it really kind of irks me when I hear people teaching these techniques that are more for managing or dealing. And I hope that that's like, listen, I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with those things, just don't completely rely on them as the answer. Because of the things we've been talking about and we feel before we think so your body is gonna take, like dictate first before your brain even goes there. So you could be like telling yourself through something affirmative or trying to change a thought or like doing some kind of awareness technique or regulating technique to tell yourself I'm safe because you know whatever you're telling yourself you're safe for. But if your brain and your body are not matching, then it's not gonna work. If a feeling is present, your body wants to do something in that moment with it. This is your body telling you now is naturally the time to express it going back to that child analogy. Their body is telling them now is the time I'm sad and I need to express this now. Capture it right in that moment. When you do capture it, then tears naturally start coming out. The presence of just like breathing and sitting quietly the anger starts to swell up and then it doesn't come out as this "pah!" Like I'm so angry or saying something you don't mean or being super short and rude and mean and disrespectful. It just naturally comes out in a healthy way versus those ways. You know, this one's a little harder to explain how it looks but you know again, I keep bringing up Andrea 'cause she just so beautifully shared this. One of the other things she talked about was that she can't get sad. And of course, by the end of our call, guess what happened? I forgot what, oh, someone said something like thank you and Andrea for sharing with us. Like I learned so much from this, you're not alone. And she instantly started to get emotional and I asked her what's coming up and she's like, it's just making me happy but also sad because I'm being seen kind of things. So everything came together that we just talked about in this coaching call and in that coaching moment. And what happened was she started to shut it down and it was like, no, no, wait, wait, this is the moment to capture it because it is naturally coming up, your body naturally wants to expel it. Just like your body naturally wants to expel when you need to pee, it's the same thing. It's a blueprint. God literally gave us the blueprint. So you don't have to like reprogram yourself or affirm your way, tap your way, like I don't even need to go through all of the dealing type things. You know what they are. You have to choose to not manage and actually heal. That's what I want you to take away from today. That you are equipped to do that. Whether it's anger, whether it's sadness, whether it's overwhelm, because listen, built suppressed anger and sadness will always equate or show up as overwhelm in your life. It's not all of the things that you've got on your to-do list and that you have, you know, to get complete or done or focus on, no, that's not what causes overwhelm. It's all of the suppressed feelings and emotions that haven't gotten to be expressed, that you are hiding behind your to-do list. That's what equals overwhelm. So when you start naturally expressing them, guess what, my friend? No more overwhelm. Okay, so wow, I know that gosh, we have deep conversations here and I want to start sharing with you more of what goes inside of these decide to heal coaching calls 'cause there's so much for you to be able to take away from it and kind of like peek behind the closed doors and I don't wanna withhold anything from you guys. Like, of course, like being able to support you personally would be amazing, but again, like God has given me this gift to be able to do this and I wanna share it with you. So I hope that something landed for you today and if it did, awesome, would you do me a favor, please? Would you share this episode with a woman who you know who's holding it together a little too hard right now? Like, she also needs to hear this and if you happen to be ready to go deeper on this work, you know, the healing, the identity, the expression, all of it, come find me. I mean, you can pretty much find me anywhere. But I'm gonna include in the show notes how we can have a personal conversation one-on-one together and you can find me on Instagram. I'm at Decide to Heal. Everything's there. I love you, my friend. You are daughter and you are incredible because of that and I feel so privileged to be a part of it. So until next week have an amazing last week, my friend. I'll see you then.