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Speaker 3And if you're looking for a Medicare plan, you can apply for a Medicare plan. You can apply for a Medicare plan with a Medicare contract. guilt so if we do something that we're not necessarily pleased with ourselves for doing the difference between guilt and shame is guilt is about recognizing that oh I did something really dumb in that situation oh so ridiculous why did I you know I've not done well in my test because I just I foolishly chose not to revise so there's an element of guilt of regret but it's very situational the difference here between guilt and shame is that we are the failure so it's it's that difference of rather than attributing the mess up to the situation and it being that very specific to that it's that we're not good enough is that we are dumb stupid idiotic whatever it is that that we or I'm unlovable so it's being able to that's a really key distinction when we're talking about confidence is where there's you know where there's more of a concern around potentially impacting mental health later is if you have a child where there is lots of shame so it tends to be attributed to them as an individual rather than them in that that is that particular that it's you know the choice that they made or something very specific within that situation so that's the first one and these are not in any specific order isn't because if you've got that that means you know that's it they're going to be have issues but that's that's one of them the second one is very much around are is your child very secretive about their food consumption so this might be taking things specifically into their room so they may eat meals with you but you find that there are lots of packets of things in bedrooms and so they're very secretive about that or it could be that you have a child who finds it really difficult to eat publicly so they don't like other people to see them eating so where there's an element of secretiveness either around the quantity of food that they're eating or the quantity of food that they're eating that they consume or the process of eating a meal is something that they find quite difficult so they prefer much more to be reclusive not part of the table not eating together find it really filled with anxiety about sitting at a table with other people or even eating in in public settings then that again could be a warning sign of their relationship with food and again that doesn't necessarily mean doesn't necessarily signpost one specific eating disorder but being secretive about your food consumption and about being able to eat with others may be an indicator that your relationship with food that your child's relationship with food may be not a healthy one so certainly questions around how confident your child is how secretive they could be they are around their food consumption the third one is around this notion of perfectionism so and it links in some ways to this confidence and this notion of guilt and shame but do you have a child this leads back to this whole notion of control you know we talk about this definition of what an eating disorder is about using food as a mechanism of control perfectionism comes from that space of feeling that you have things have to be done in a particular way there needs to be an element of control about how things are so do you have a child where for example everything has to be done to a certain standard this might be a child that might have almost rip up their homework and redo it because it's either not neat enough or it might be that it's not done to a particular standard they have very high expectations of themselves things have to be done in a particular way otherwise it's not good enough they're always striving for the next level and the next level and if it isn't good enough then they failed now perfectionism doesn't necessarily mean that you have to have that that your child is uber high achieving they can be but perfectionism is about feeling that you're you've not done enough unless you've met a created aspirational goal and this is a created aspirational goal that isn't set by school or by parameters of friends or by parameters with you at home but it's much more to do with a benchmark a bar that your child has created and has set for themselves that they cannot fall below that so that they are caught up in that and that perfectionism has been shown to be a very strong link with this notion around control and so what can then happen is the food then also becomes a mechanism and actually what i probably should have stated earlier on is that quite often when we look at around eating disorders we often think that it starts from a need to really very much focused around weight but actually quite often really it's a mechanism of control which is why i like the definition around the food and it being a control mechanism to manage emotions it isn't the food becomes a mechanism to control it isn't actually fundamentally around weight in all cases of eating disorders and certainly not necessarily in a lot of the eating disorders that we tend to think about it tends to be in a situation where i feel out of control i don't feel confident and capable to deal with this i don't believe that i'm good enough
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Speaker 3find another mechanism to control all of this stuff that is going on and then food and food and food and food and food and food and food just happens to become that control mechanism and it's the same when we have children who overeat so it is this this notion that food is simply a mechanism that is used for control and is not necessarily what the disordered thinking is about traditionally so how confident are they are they secretive about their food consumption are they perfectionism in terms of the way that they the benchmark that they set for themselves and anything below that isn't good enough do you have a choice do you have a choice do you have a choice do you have a choice so eating disorders are a type of anxiety disorder so it comes from this notion of feeling overwhelmed feeling incapable or unable to manage specific situations and having that typical stress response so have you got a child who generally is a bit of a worrier that they worry about lots of things maybe or very specific things or that they're in a situation where they feel quite stressed and overwhelmed and therefore they potentially food might then become a bit of a mechanism that they use to control so it's really thinking and looking at the environment that your child is in now what we must remember here is that every single child will worry at some point every single child will get stressed at some point every teen will get stressed at some point they have exams and really important aspects of transitioning in schools that happen around the times that we typically begin to see eating disorders so these are normal things so if your child is doing that it doesn't necessarily mean that they're going to be stressed out necessarily mean that they're then going to have this disordered relationship with food but it's when we look at cumulative multiple factors that are then impacting is that there are then potential signs that they could develop these relationships and of course we can look at ways of tackling this and that that'll be in part two but this is really about giving you some of those early warning signs so that we can begin to have those conversations about healthy relationships with food healthy mechanisms for dealing with stress and overwhelm communicating about how we're feeling looking our own toolkit managing that confidence understanding who we are as an individual what our qualities are reaffirming who we are as an individual and those positive aspects of ourselves this is simply what are the signs and then what can we put in place so if you have a child who's either going through a specific period of time where they're stressed or they're someone that you know is naturally worry about lots of things then this could also be an indication of that and so if you have a child who's either going through a specific along with other things. The fifth one is about being overly worried about the way they look. And what does overly worried mean? Well, I guess overly worried would be that it takes up a lot of their conversation about themselves and that that conversation isn't necessarily about what they're going to wear or how they're going to have the hair or all of these other bits, but that the words that come out of their mouth, the narrative, the comments tend to be very critical. So they may be overly worried about how their hair looks, for example, but it's rather than being able to just see it as a commentary about, you know, they're worried about what their hair looks like in a plait or how their hair looks down, is they become, there's a lot of narrative around it. They talk about it a lot and they talk about it being in a very critical way. They might worry about the way that they look and they might talk about aspects of their body that they don't like and that that may then become something that maybe they dress in a particular way because they want to hide aspects of that. So maybe they worry about their thighs. They think their thighs are too big and therefore they wear only certain types of clothes because they're worried about how that looks. So they might not wear shorts or they might not wear a short skirt or they may not wear, you know, it's all those aspects of their, certain aspects of their body that they don't like that they may not then exposed. So it's not just a commentary. It becomes not obsessive, but it becomes something that they talk about a lot. And that the commentary that they make about those aspects of their body is particularly pronounced. So it tends to happen often. so how confident is your child are they secretive about their food consumption are they perfectionist have they set themselves a benchmark are they anxious do they worry about things or are they currently going through a particular period of time where they're very stressed or are they a child that just naturally feels particularly stressed are they overly worried about the way they look in terms of the dialogue and the narrative and the commentary that you find them saying and number six is do they use critical language a lot so this goes back to being mindful of some of the commentary that your children make so going back to the first one and talking about this notion between guilt and shame do they attribute a lot of things that happen or don't go according to plan as them being failures rather than a than in that situation they made a poor choice or they wish they'd done something differently do they use a lot of critical language about them saying and number six is do they use critical language a lot so this goes back to themselves in terms of their character and their personality do they use a lot of critical language around themselves in terms of how they physically look is there a great deal of comparison with others and so that comparison comes and so they then make commentary about themselves not being as good as others or it's all of this notion that the language that they use is predominantly critical self-critical rather than positive so they're not able to be as good as others they're not able to see the qualities that they possess that make them lovable friendable you know kind trustworthy loyal all of those aspects of the personality that makes them someone that other people want to be friends with are they actually using lots of language around them being not good enough and that might be in terms of their personality but it's it's often and in fact actually it's you know i was about to say it's often around the way they look but it actually and this is where you know i'm used as part of teams is that there's so much that is under the surface around how they feel about themselves and nothing to do with their their relationship with food food is simply a mechanism if you know i'm stressing this a lot because that is so important fundamentally underneath all of this is a child who doesn't feel that they are enough and so that they have stumbled upon other mechanisms and other ways to feel that they have some element of control over this overwhelm and this worry and this anxiety and this stress that they feel and this comparison they have with others and food end up ends up becoming that particular product so it's are they using lots of self-critical language so let's just recap on these top six and so it's how confident is your child do they have a real inner self-belief that they are a likable lovable decent human being or do they use lots of language to say that they're actually not good enough are they secretive about their food consumption whether that's eating in their room hiding things that they eat or whether it's much more to do with finding it really difficult to eat in public or with other people are they perfectionist do they set a benchmark for themselves that is this one that they've created doesn't come from an academic benchmark doesn't come from a parental benchmark doesn't even come from a societal or friendship benchmark but one that they have created that they always have to achieve and quite often with perfectionism that benchmark changes constantly the the ante gets upped the bar gets moved constantly so are they a child that worries about things do they find you know are they overly stressed do they get overwhelmed by situations are they overly worried about the way they look does that become a huge part of their concern about leaving the door or leaving the door as in leaving home or going out is that there's a there's a preoccupation with how they look either the way that they you know the way they look in terms of what they wear or the way they look in terms of physical aspects and attributes of their body and do they use critical language a lot about themselves about the way they look around their body about their attributes and then the seventh one and this is always as you would expect from me it's a reflective piece now this is does not mean that if your relationship with food isn't great that that is automatically going to mean that your child has disordered thinking around food but the last one is what is your relationship with food and what are you modeling to your children so this is you know and again as you all know who those of you who've been listening to me for a while i'm saying this with love but ultimately if we don't have a great relationship with food whatever that might be our children are going to be in a relationship with food and we're going to be in a relationship with food and we're going to pick up on that because our children are much more likely to do what they see than what we say so if we make remarks about our bodies if we make a remark about the way that we look or our personality and that we attribute some sort of commentary around that relationship then our children are going to be picking up that actually being lovable being liked being accepted has some relationship with the way that they look and that is really important because if we don't have a relationship with the way that we look and that is really really key because obviously what we want to do is create a healthy relationship food is a way that we nourish ourselves it's a way that we help our bodies become vice you have this vitality and this energy and this robustness and this strength and this dynamicism but if our language is very much focused around food being an enemy in some ways or something that we have to control because it has an impact on how we feel about ourselves our emotions and our behavior and our behavior and our behavior and our behavior and our behavior and how we look and how we look affects how we feel about ourselves then we're modeling a poor relationship with our with our children and it's really key that we do that now that is not to say that children with eating disorders have a parent that does not have a good relationship with food that absolutely there is no link what i'm simply saying is it's really important when we're talking about our children having inner confidence inner self-belief knowing that they're enough not using language not worrying about the way that they look it comes from us modeling that so that if we can make sure that we take care of those aspects so that we can reduce and minimize that bit now that doesn't mean that your child isn't then still going to not feel particularly confident about themselves or is maybe going to be anxious and that they may well then still develop an eating disorder from those aspects of it but if we can make sure that at the foundation level we're creating an environment at home where the values and the language that we use around food and us as individuals is not around how we look and the food being used as a mechanism to control then that will have a huge impact on our children just accepting themselves for who they are so let me recap those seven so it is how confident is your child if you have a child who is not very confident who uses a language and attributes themselves as not being good enough then that may be an indicator if your child is secretive about their food consumption if they are eating it in their rooms and sneaking aspects of certain food and not telling you or is not happy about having food and consuming it in an environment where you all sit together that might also be an indicator are they a perfectionist do they actively and constantly seek to be at a certain level that they set that is always a benchmark and that they're constantly having to aim higher and higher each time then that might also be an indicator do you have a child who worries do you have a child who finds it really difficult to manage stress particularly well or often finds lots of situations particularly stressful that might also add and it's almost like these little ingredients are all added into a mixture do you have a child that's overly worried about the way they look that that becomes a real feature of the language that they use and the and the conversations that they have are very overly focused on the way that they look either in terms of their physical their attributes their hair their eyes their face but also about physical physical aspects of their body do they use lots of self-critical language and in fact you find that they probably use more self-critical language than they do positive language again that might be another ingredient and then this relationship what relationship are you modeling and might that also be feeding into some of these other aspects around their confidence and their relationship with food and their critical language and their perfectionism now my give this week is going to be these this checklist of these seven but we are also going to include some link the link to beat eating disorders which is going to give you some very specific information about the different types of eating disorders and some of these signs that might be associated with those specific eating disorders so if you are worried having listened to this about your child that you can then go and have a look at that if you want the checklist and the link then as usual you head over to my free resource library drmaryhand.com forward slash library where you'll find the link to download the resource all you need to do is pop in your email address and you'll get instant access not only to this week's resource but all the other free resources across all my other podcast episodes now remember there is going to be a part to to this so it is really important if you've listened to this and you've got some concerns or questions or anything that you want me to cover in part two, or maybe we might even need a part three, then I'm happy to do that. But please, please do reach out. It's contact at drmaryhand.com. As ever, if you have enjoyed this episode, I would love it if you could follow and review this podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love. So until next time. Bye.
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