Harland Williams 7.0

This episode is sponsored by Helix Sleep. If you go to helixsleep.com, you take their sleep quiz. It takes like a minute. Are you a back sleeper? Are you a back or side sleeper? Side. Same? Funny you ask, okay? Thanks. Because I used to be a side sleeper all my life, but the last three weeks, both my sides hurt. I forced to sleep on my back, and I never could, and I'm doing it now. And the only reason I'm doing it now is because I'm on a Helix mattress. Also, I've told you about this. Are you putting a pillow under your legs? No. I'm telling you, Dad. Put pillows under your legs. It puts pressure off your lower back. I love Helix mattresses. They will mail the mattress to you. Aunt Lauren has one. Right. Teddy got one. Teddy got one. We got one here and in the guest room. We got one here and the guest room. People are loving their Helix. Mark, if you want to try one at your place, you get a 120-day money-back guarantee. Go to helixsleep.com slash TISO for 20% off site-wide. 20% site-wide. That's helixsleep.com slash TISO. helixsleep.com slash TISO for 20% off site-wide. You know what I mean. What's the site? Do it. Helix Sleep. Helixsleep.com slash TISO for 20% off the site. All right, bud. Be right back. Good boy stays. Welcome back to another episode of Taking Shoes Off with Harlan Williams. Today, our special guest is. Who? Who is it? Harlan Williams. You said special guest. Yeah. Wait, I'm special? Special guest. Uh, I'm a bit confused. Yeah. Let's see. All right. Scoop-doo, blabbity-bloo, scoop-dee, oh, yeah. Thanks. I have the gray blanket down there because there's a bit of a poop stain from a guest that I had on recently. I have cleaned it. Oh, Theo Vaughn was here? No. Paul Rudd. Oh, wow. He always leaves a Rudd mark. Yeah. Oh, sorry. I keep getting texts. It's probably girls. That was actually mine. Nice try. Yeah, it's girls. There's 12 of them. It was mine and it was a boy. A boy-girl? No. Theo Vaughn. Don't sit on the skid mark. It's hilarious. All right, my friend. Yeah, my friend. That is Theo. Can I look? Can I see it? Can I see the skid mark? It's just a very little one. Oh, God. Here. It's just a little one right here. Oh, God. Yeah, that's a Theo. Just a little making strip. I see you brought some pee to go along with it. Huh? I haven't sat down in about seven months. Why? You know, people do these fasting things and the cleansings and stuff. Yeah, you were doing it. A standing, they call it. And it's great because it goes perfect with my work. I'm a stand-up comic. And I was like, eventually I got a set. And I thought, why not do it with a cherished friend? It's funny that you said cherished because you sit in a cherished. Can I just show the dog's penis before we get started? I want people to just get a memory of it. It's okay. It's just a little wiener shot. Yeah. There we go. People need to remember. In this world of we don't know who's a boy or who's a girl, it's just nice to remind the folks. There it is. Little mini sizzler. Yeah. You're a boy. Congratulations. You're a boy. You don't even know it. A lot of people don't know. Brian, can you look into this? Into what? Good. All right. Recording. Okay. a lot of looking into lenses today someone's got it i feel a little left out do you mind if i have a crack at it uh yeah i'd love to do just one since you're hogging them all yeah i had an issue with my focus but my assistant gave me a bad lens recently i just want to get in on this a little i didn't that's hard doesn't really want to play focus with me in there just put on riddling or something it can't seem to focus yeah that one gets tricky get it some riddling fun focus that's good okay well we're all getting blown up oh yeah that was to both of us these hot hot girls that just keep messaging me leave me alone i'm a i'm working yeah hey big daddy do you want me to eat your butt and suck you off and stuff i don't even i mean these girls are just too pretty for that for me i'm not that interested in that kind of stuff what's his name as if that would be a problem i don't know okay i think i need uh do you have a lobster i love lobster you got a frozen steak sure oh you know what it's i like mine a little colder could you put it back in for about 10 minutes thank you i think this is that terminal velocity here at this point well in 2026 stop waiting and start selling with shop.com shopify sign up for your one dollar per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com slash tyso go to shopify.com slash tyso that's shopify.com slash tyso hear your first this new year with shopify by your side hello this episode is sponsored by underdog fantasy hi dad hi rick can i tell you something kind of cool i'm going to tell you something kind of cool i'm going to tell you something kind of cool yes uh well first i want to say thank you to underdog fantasy because make picks win money right yeah i mean you're calling me in the middle of the ncaa uh championship college game so what are you waiting for download the app today and use promo code tyso to score 75 dollars in bonus entries when you play your first five dollars that's promo code tyso terms apply seaside for details ricky's on the loose and if you want to see me work my hour in your city i'll be in phoenix arizona january 9 10 and 11 i'll be in pittsburgh pennsylvania january 23 23 and 24 23 and 24 i'm going to be in san francisco february 7th and then um yeah you have like a two-week break then and then you go back to denver 26 27 denver colorado 26 27 and 28 then i'm going to this time what's that no we're not doing boulder this time i'm just saying saying what you are doing actually is denver and then after denver i think i am in houston texas yeah yeah in may big jog over to texas in march march 26 27 march 26 i'll be in houston texas it's the same in february 26 27 28th year in denver and in march 26 27 28th year in houston so you know it's easy for the people in those two cities to remember just all they have to remember is the month and why would the people in denver need to know the same in houston why do they does it's more complicated it doesn't matter it makes it easier absolutely so i'll be in denver for me it would make it easier if i was in denver i would just think okay denver and houston i'll be there the 26 27 28th denver it's february houston it's march denver is february houston i'll be in cleveland ohio my hometown the first time i've ever headlined there may 1st and 2nd and then i will be in dallas texas on the next texas erving texas erving texas erving texas may 7 8 9 i'm also adding a bunch more cities so if you want to find out when i'm coming to your city or buy tickets here you can go to punch up dot live slash rick glassman yeah and i think we just move that one i really want to just get that so that we can get all of that over to rick glassman.com don't you think rick i mean i think it's you know punch up dot live slash rick glassman it's it's i know you're really good at saying it now but it's a bit of a mouthful so i think over the next week we should just get everything consolidated we'll try to get it to rick glassman.com hopefully we'll have that i'd really like to make that work make that happen for you that would be great it is easier rick glassman maybe we'll have you could also go to rick glassman.com maybe and tell them to sign up for the mailing list and then when they sign up for the mailing list they find out when you're you know you're adding new shows all the time and when you're within like 50 miles of their city they get the email notification and sign up for my email list and uh i won't spam you just i'll let you know if i'm coming close to your city so you can just we're letting you know when rick's coming to your city it's not about okay we got it that's fine i want to move on to the next one um we're doing for he's on the loose tour yeah are these new cameras guy my assistant if i could call him that um got me a new lens for that camera for an episode i did recently and it fucked up i was out of focus so i'm just not making sure i switched back to my other one your assistant or saboteur yeah can i hear you talking into the microphone if you don't mind don't mind at all buddy testing one two nothing oh there we go you found it good thing i was test that we did that right yeah that's the importance of sound checks well you know what's ironic is i've never been good at tests like in school i failed tests i've never passed a driving test i drive illegal like tests are just not uh failed an aids test failed like any test what do you mean failed it i just i failed it you put the pieces together so you didn't you never got you you didn't send your blood in oh i did but i failed the test i'm not saying anything but this week this month at air one what about air two uh members get a special of they had a free drink and this month it's sponsored by a good friend of the pod magic mind it's a magic mind uh magic mind month at air one so i'm trying i love magic mind but i'm trying it now in a smoothie sure it's not sponsored by shrek's got diarrhea i mean dude what is that concoction looks like you found the mucinex guy from the commercials put him in a blender murdered him and now you're sucking his meat like that makes it harder to that's a snot goblin in a glass my bro no it's not well it is it's not it's snot nice nice real nice maybe so nice i don't know if we can surpass that one you said it's a con what chin a what chin you said it was a con concoction i'm i hear the i heard the con i heard the chun but what was it con what chun con penis chin is the latin phrase yes yes do you speak latin or should i say do you speak latin please i do speak latin uh plebeius heros mobius uh okay if you don't want to hear it why do you ask you know last time i was on your podcast we talked about how and it's fine that you do this with other people but sometimes i laugh at what you say and i think you take my reaction to it poorly i i'm like maybe at least with me when i laugh you could just like know that i'm doing it because i'm enjoying what you're doing okay so not take it like an insult well i don't mean it that way so i mean okay i just want you to know that you're telling me that yeah i told you that on on your podcast maybe it took a while for me to digest it have you always been shitting what's wrong with me laughing well you make me laugh sometimes and whenever you make me laugh you go oh i'm harlan williams and that's the bottom line well it's just a there's a sort of a mocking you make me laugh okay i won't say it ever again to you look at how he loves you yeah all animals love me even pigs pigs sows swine what was the second one sows what's a sow that's another name for a pig animals swine swine sow is another name for a pig spell it s-o-w so yeah sow i'm saying so what exactly so what sow what or if you're chinese soy what if you're chinese um which i am where that's my name which i am in chinese oh oh is my middle name yes thank you do you identify do you so what's your full name uh i forget i really forget i remember i forgot the first name no i forget is my full name yeah sure yeah first base well thanks for coming over man man what a pleasure yeah i always love having you here love love is the operative word there's a lot of love between uh me and you you and i well if you're literate if you're gonna be if you're literate you and i do you want to try this podcast in in a in a improv exercise that i like which is where we say one word at a time oh you just like for a portion of it well water no yeah no well water that seems yeah but you but but but that's that's i would that's not what we were talking about okay then you outline it for me explain it how about i do from literate how about i do one word at a time my own words okay and then you do one word of your time your own words so i'll be like harlan how are you doing i am doing fine yeah now instead of that let's switch them so whatever i was going to say whatever you think i was going to say maybe you could do that so if i say harlan how are you doing but just say the how oh okay which is my actually my native american name what harlan oh oh how all right anything you want to plug do you have an outlet yeah i'd love to plug in my hair dryer do you have it here i do it's in the car i'm sorry do you have it hair it's in the cur do you want to go get it no the cars it's one of those i got one of those uh teslas they drive on their own so it dropped me off and it's gone to uh mexico why not to ask it how how these car these autonomous cars they do what they want i'm lucky it even dropped me off i woke up last night at three in the morning and it was just coming home from in and out burger it the car the car where were you i was sleeping i heard him pull in and i go where were you and he's like and what does that mean in an out burger that's well cars don't have voices they talk in horn tell that to me bumblebee okay where is he so you you talk through the radio wow how bumblebee do you remember that in it with your friend jim carrey from the ace ventura franchise uh part two uh where he goes bumblebee tuna bumblebee tuna your balls are showing yeah you do yeah yeah can you try it he's at the uh the african tribe and they don't speak english and he's uh somehow looking for the white albino bat yep and he goes uh he goes bumblebee bumblebee tuna and then he leans down and he whispers that's hilarious yeah i wonder if he improvised that or that was in the script well either way it doesn't matter gold yeah i remember when i heard that he improvised that in the first in in dumb and dumber when they're leaving when he's at the barn aspen and he was walking out and you see the poster that they let that from uh in 1969 the uh newspaper article of uh america landing on the moon yeah and he passes and he comes back he goes we landed on the moon and he was like so excited about it that that was just because it was at the uh it was on the wall it wasn't a part of the script people love when you find out wow you hear that was improvised yeah they love it yeah it's kind of like uh i think why crowd work does so well as clips because people like wow that was in the moment it's improvised yeah yeah i've seen many um people online some comedians who mock that yes which i think is not fair because may i may you what that's my uh chinese name may i is that one word or is it may i m-a-y-i or m-a-y-i i only know in in mandarin so it's may i yes so it's one word in chinese they don't have words they have symbols and that's why there's a lot of drummers in that culture hi-hats too like they wear those hi-hats yeah what you were gonna may i what you didn't kind of finish may i try something oh please no i'm talking about the try something in chinese triangle oh the triangle the hi-hat the triangle and the symbol what about them percussion let's have a discussion so when you say that people are mocking it no i said let's have a percussion sorry that's what i said we're having a discussion about percussion that's sorry wow so comedians are making fun of crowd work because it's something that's popular now but if you really look at what comedians do they're making fun of things in general yeah whoa whoa what wanted to see him oh cool you're not putting your foot up on it right no will you just throw it closer to the on the couch yeah thanks man i'm sorry for the way i if i reacted in a way that was too quick and yeah that was like really aggressive like you were is it all right if i remove the omelet from the couch beside me yeah you could just throw it over with the pillow yeah So people make fun of things. Yeah. That's just one of the things that's a talking point that they're making fun of. What's interesting is to me, not so much that they're making fun of it because culturally it's something that's happening. So they're making fun. That's what we do as comedians. What's interesting to me is the judgment behind it. Right. And the devaluing of it, that it's not legitimate or it's not as valid as crafting a joke. Well, I think that even the conversation of comparing its validity to crafting a joke is where the problem is, because I could argue either end of that. It isn't as valid if you're looking at it compared to the art form of what I think stand up is. But it's a separate thing. You know, like, like, just because you do stand up doesn't mean that you shouldn't also be able to cook your own dinner. Right. Well, well, cooking your own dinner isn't the same kind of expression. Well, some people might think it is. But why even have that conversation? Who cares? It's just something else. It's another thing. And why devalue it when you can? Ask yourself, is it harder to sit down and craft a joke with unlimited time? So let's say you wanted to write a joke about cars. Well, not if you haven't sat down for seven months. I haven't. But the others. Yes. Not me. I'm on a standing. But if the others sat down for six, seven, eight, three years and wrote a car joke and then delivered it and it killed. Six, seven, eight, three? Yeah. Six, seven, eight, nine. No, but I throw numbers. I throw numbers around because I'm number lexic, which is a new thing. Is it new? It's new. Like, you know, you know, there was never panic attacks. There was never anxiety attacks. There was never all these things. So every few years we come up with a new ailment that us precious, you know, humans have to kind of tell the world exists. And the way you're speaking seems like you're kind of disqualifying actual disabilities. No, no, not at all. I'm what I'm doing is quantifying them because I'm saying I'm introducing a new one. Isn't it hard to quantify things? And I'm building on the totem pole of of human ailments. Is it hard for you to quantify things if you aren't good with knowing which order numbers go in? Not for me because I'm number lexic. So I don't know that I'm out of order. But you do know by definition, you're literally defining it. So you know that you're out of order by what you're telling me right now. Hey, look, I'm not PC3PO. So I can't answer all your questions. C3PO. What did you say? You got the number right. You got the letters wrong, which is dyslexic. I'm number lexic because he's got more numbers in his name than letters. No, he has one number. And if you call it a number, it might be a letter. Oh, technically, it's a letter. See, that's how you see it. But I see PC3PO. I think I get it now. I can't delineate. Are you D2 though? Or no? No. That's what I'm asking. Are you D2? Like, where did you play college basketball? Was it D2 or D1? It was D2. So you are D2. Are you T2? R2-D2 as well. No, I said T2. What is that? It's the terminator. Oh, the terminator. Yeah, I'm just getting. I'm getting. Say it again. Are you T2? Oh, you used to be one of my favorites. You used to be one of my favorites. You used to be one of my favorite movies. Okay. I used to have posters of Schwarzenegger all over the place. I even know how to spell his last name. How? Thank you for calling me by my formal name. S-C-H-W-A-R-Z-E-N-E-G-G-E-R. That's also Renee Zellweger if you're drunk. Just so you know, do you drink? Because I wouldn't walk into a crowded bar and start spelling Schwarzenegger's name. And all of a sudden you turn around and there's a. Hot blonde at the end of the bar leaning on a screwdriver. And she says, hey, that's my name. And it's Renee Zellweger. Does she have to go to the hospital for puncturing her elbow on the screwdriver? Yeah. Oh, no. Are you okay? No, no, that's a drink. If she was at the end of the bar with a screwdriver, I would have said she's at the end of the bar with a Phillips head. Well, what if it was flat? I mean, the size of her chest shouldn't matter, but just between guys. What if it was a flat head? Yeah, that could work. I mean, you know, screwdriver's a screwdriver guy. You know the saying, righty-tighty, lefty-loosey? Isn't it lighty-righty, lefty-righty? So you don't know the saying? Don't tell me I don't know. I'm asking. Asking what? What I'm saying? If you know the saying, have you heard this saying? I'm sure there's other sayings, but have you heard this saying? Which one? Righty-tighty, lefty-loosey. No. Me neither. What is it? Never heard of it. Well, let's define it. Righty is a political leaning. Tighty is four fat people in an elevator. What was the rest of it? Lefty-loosey? Lefty is a hockey player who shoots left. And loosey was a lovable character in the Peanuts collection by Schultz. And she was a. Mean, vindictive brunette who used to pull the football away when Charlie Brown would go to kick it. And that's why Charlie Brown ended up with spinal trauma in his later years and had to use a walker and lost the use of his right leg. So put it all together? She's a mean old lesbian. No, I'm saying now that you've figured it out, righty-tighty, lefty-loosey, put it all together. Righty-lefty, lefty-loosey, I get tongue-tied. I thought you were number-lexic. I am. But when you. When you delineate and diflutuate. What was the second word? Diflutuate? What does that mean? It's a transgender of the modification of a left clote, which is. Did you ever go to university? Because you might not get what I'm saying. Yeah, I did. I went to D1, actually. R2-D1. Okay. So you must have known what I just said. I don't. I don't. Maybe it's just been a while since I've been there. Okay, yeah. When did you graduate? Graduated about 11 years ago. Oh, no. I went about 11 years ago. I graduated about. Seven. What'd you study? I forgot. Marketing and theater. Oh, wow. So you can put groceries in a bag on Broadway? I've heard it 20 times. Yeah. Well, you just heard it 21 more. Interesting. Now, how long have you known that 21 follows 20 with your number-lexia? Pardon me? Did you fart? I think I did. What I asked was, how did you know that 21. Well, hold on. This is historic. I just farted on a skid mark. Does that cancel them out? No, I think that's typically what happens. But I'm sitting on a skid mark. Theo Vaughn's skid mark. Paul Rudd's. This is Paul Rudd's? Yeah. Do you like all the awards that I've been winning? What'd you win them for? The Signal Awards. The best editing for a video podcast. We got the listener's choice, but the judge's choice. We got bronze. They must have thought two people edited better. Two podcasts. Oh, wow. We got the listener's choice for the most innovative video podcast, as well as the judge's choice for the most innovative video podcast. And then a couple over there. Silver for comedy podcast and bronze for best guests. That's a lot of awards. Almost to the point where I think you had them made yourself and put them here. No. And then this is for. I got more. I got one for my college upstairs. My business achievement award. I'll go get it. Oh, boy. If you have a special or any tour dates that you want to plug. Oh, thanks. Wait until I get back. I want to hear about them. Let's see what these are all about. Oh, man. These are heavy. This thing probably weighs about five, six pounds. Let me see what it says. Oh, crushing my nuts. Ow. Oh. Oh. 2025 silver winner. Take your shoes off. Best podcast comedy. Rick Glassman Signal Awards. Okay. I don't know what the shape means. It's headphones on top of. Oh, here he comes. Shit. This thing's heavy. Oh, yeah. Yeah, my trophies are heavy, unfortunately. Look at this, actually. You see that? Are you able to zoom in? What happened? Is it bleeding? I accidentally threw it and it. Anyway. But, yeah, my trophies are heavy. Why is there blood on it? I. Am I in focus? Right behind. Oh, yeah, you are. Nice. I accidentally. I tried to get it off. I got something at all. The other day, I had Paul Rudd on and I. We were doing. We were playing around, like, with the basketball, like, Think Fast and stuff. And he was going to accept a. Do an acceptance speech for, like, we're just. If you won an award for Anchorman, what acceptance speech? And I said, Think Fast, like, as a joke. And I just had these buffed and it slipped out of my hand and it hit him a little bit. Can you do a speech for Anchorman? Can we do a speech? Like, if I was accepting an award for Anchorman? I don't understand. uh kick fast oh god oh shit what are you doing I'm so fucking sorry oh my god I think you broke my nose it slipped out of my hand I am so fucking sorry Paul I am so fucking sorry it slipped out of my hand it was buffed and it's slippery I'm not going to try and throw it at you you're throwing me Paul don't don't take more than one now Paul buddy I think I just need to rest for a second is it a good idea to rest after a head injury oh no no no no Paul Paul Paul Paul I smell it I smell it so that's Paul Rudd's blood yeah that's Rudd blood wow wow that probably ups the value of that trophy have you thought about putting that on ebay no in fact maybe I shouldn't have it in the front no I haven't thought about putting it on ebay okay you I have because I just said it so I had to have thought about it to say it I had to conceptualize the thought before it came out of me so I guess I therefore by default have thought about putting it on ebay I guess then I now have two because of it being brought to me right I'm doing a cross country tour of the United States called the Comzilla Comedy Tour Comzilla Comedy Tour because of Kamala Harris no a Godzilla but why com because of comedy I'm coming to I'm coming to destroy your city or town with laughter yes yes and you can see it on harlemwilliams.com all the dates we'll even put them here oh you will that's so generous thank you yeah it's my first it's my first attempt at doing a theater tour across the country it's my very first time so I'm really proud I remember you told me you're going on tour because now your popularity has skyrocketed so much on account of going on Kill Tony and the Harland Highway podcast and your podcast and all of them well you know you really popped off last year right it wasn't last year what got you last year I won yeah the guest of the year on Kill Tony question for you was your trophy as heavy as that no just goes to show you it doesn't matter how heavy a trophy is it doesn't matter how heavy a trophy is it doesn't matter how hard you throw it at someone yeah well I guess it's a combination yeah this is really heavy yeah but yeah so I'm really excited I'm really proud and I hope people will come out and see my shows across the US have you done any theater for this tour yet or it all starts now it's all starting now at the beginning of 2026 first ones in Dallas and Houston when is that February nice so in a few weeks maybe yeah that's right so and then we just kick it off who's we me and you the people the viewers I say we sometimes too when somebody says what kind of dog Alvin is I say we think he's a chihuahua pug and then I think to myself there's no we there is in France yes no we yes same thing isn't it funny we're saying the same thing but they're not even the same letters don't even exist each other sentences like y e s and o i u well o is y in France that's where the saying comes from right but yes and yes but they're three different letters or if you're in Chinese symbols oh wow how does a drummer say yes he doesn't it's a trick question wow he's the one who sets the tempo nice I mean rice what's it means thank you and man I don't think I've ever heard it um so yeah that's so exciting my tour buddy harlanwilliams.com harlanwilliams.com you can get all the tickets what about punch up dot live slash harlan williams uh what's that dude i gotta get you on punch up what's that dude it's a website where people could sign up for your email like let's say somebody wants to see where i'm performing yeah they could go to punch up.live slash rick glassman but let's say also people want to be like hey i want to be notified when rick is going to be coming near my city but i don't want to be on some type of a spam email list oh just email me if i'm coming within like 50 miles of your city really punch up.live slash rick glassman and just sign up for my email list and i'll let you know when i'm coming to your city that's the only time i'll email you yeah oh wow thank you i want to find out about that i'll get you in touch thank you yeah and congrats on your medal oh my business achievement award yeah what's that from this story is about four minutes are you interested can i have about three minutes to think about it yes but it might be seven minutes from now then this episode is sponsored by shopify 2026 is the year that you become a girl boss unless you're a in which case you become just a regular boss because apparently bosses are guys and girl bosses are girls I say we end that I want you guys to start a new business where we say boss means guy or girl yeah you have all these male podcasters saying that only guys could be bosses well I think women could be bosses too and if you don't if you're not buying buying what I'm saying then then i suggest you sell what you're saying with you starting your own business at shopify smooth maybe you have an idea that you can't shake a craft that everyone keeps telling you to sell which reminds me i kind of want to get my mom on here for crafts corners because my mom does a lot of painting and we should get mom on shopify and she should sell some stuff shopify gives you everything you need to sell online and in person millions of entrepreneurs have already made that leap from household names to first timers like potentially my mom with mom's craft corners you're starting a shopify site you could choose from hundreds of beautiful templates that you customize to match your brand set it up fast with shopify's built-in ai tools that write product descriptions headlines and help you edit product photos shopify wants you to make money because they want you to stick around they make it easy for you to start a site check it out in 2026 stop waiting and start selling with shopify sign up for your one dollar per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com slash tyso go to s-h-o-p-i-f-y.com slash t-y-s-o that's shopify.com slash t-y-s-o hear your first this new year with shopify by your side look at that catch on fourth down oh my god what do you what what what sport game are you watching did ncaa the college championship game so it's hugest college game of the year indiana against miami this week on underdog you're looking at indiana versus miami well everybody's picking the heisman trophy winner their quarterback the indiana quarterback manzero but there's a carson beck from miami quarterback well by the time people listen to this that game was a couple of days ago yep good point well but they could have had a good time if they use underdog i watch you and uncle bob do this kind of stuff and it does seem like you enjoy yourself yes i i'm talking about the game because it's going on now so it's rather exciting oh you know what why don't i why don't i let you go back to the big game and i'll just tell everybody what i've made some my picks with underdog and i want to see how i do all right talk to you later enjoy the big game all right bye so i do 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Download the app today and use promo code TISO to score $75 in bonus entries when you play your first $5. That's promo code TISO. Underdog, make picks, win money. Side. Same? Funny you ask, okay? Thanks. No. Aunt Lauren has one. Right. Teddy got one. Teddy got one. 20% site-wide. What's the site? Do it. FreeSleep.com slash Tyso for 20% off the site. Can you cut it? you do the edited version yeah it should have been eight okay give it to me in four i can give it to you in less okay freshman year of college i went on an academic probation all these excuse me i'll double these with your big breasts right who's to say I don't know which camera to look at for breasts what's what's the breast camera to look at that one that's the breast one to look at yeah I think I think you'll like that one breast so I'm like uh meanwhile I'm I remember when I when I graduated from high school I saw people who graduated with honors and it said like cum laude on their diploma and I remember thinking like man I want that because trophies just go to Starbucks why is that because they have cum laude you're thinking you're thinking of lattes no cum laude it's their new raspberry refresher drink oh really yeah wow yeah anyways keep going I think you have three minutes and 40 seconds left okay so when I got an academic probation I was like you know what I want to do better and I was motivated to get good grades so I could graduate with honors so it would be on my diploma that was truly my motivation also at the time I thought I was going to be going to law school so I'm like oh you know what I should I should retake these classes to help my cumulative average right it's called freshman forgiveness you could retake the classes and then whatever the higher grade is that's what counts towards your cumulative GPA for going to law school or for anything just right so I'm motivated to get this diploma and I then started trying to do better and I was on the dean's list I think every semester maybe there's one I wasn't but like I did really well yeah and my my cumulative average was whatever it was it was I think it had to be above a three four three five or three six I don't remember whatever it was uh I had it so when I'm submitting to law schools that's where it is but also I went to uh my the business college to say hey I just want to make sure I can stop telling the story I'll stop telling it well no what no you're falling asleep i'll stop telling it i'm not falling asleep you were i'll stop telling it it's fine i did not fall asleep we could talk more about like um your your tour oh kamzilla yeah yeah houston and dallas and all across the country and i'm really proud of it and i hope people will come out and support me for my first because what happens if it doesn't like do well then there's no like then i don't get to do theaters anymore so if you're a fan and you like what i do i hope people come even if you don't like what you do but you're a fan maybe you could support yeah yeah support when you come to the show just be excited stay awake while harlan's talking yeah yeah but it'll make him feel nice but uh anyways i hope people come out and yeah i love that thank you for letting me talk about it i appreciate it yeah i'm excited for you thank you brother i'm interested in you and your story and the things you tell me and thank you yeah absolutely so does anything else you want to tell me i'm i'm really eager to no no i don't want to use up the time like promoting my stuff but you did say to do it so i did it and i i don't want to uh i don't want to commandeer your whatever gets you excited i just want you to say because clearly the story that i was telling you of something that i thought you were interested in wasn't interesting to you so i i want you to stay away i think what really spiked my interest was you said you were thinking of going to law school and i don't know what kind of law you would have excelled in would it be family law criminal law family law why well i mean i didn't even tell you about my business achievement award yet so i'd be i'd feel i don't want to set a precedent of skipping ahead before uh establishing the intention and the facts but aren't you guilty of oh are you did you go to law school maybe you ever heard of devry you will i'm excited um but no i mean what what draws you even though you didn't go in that direction and i hate to be the moderator now but i'm jury's still i'm interested what drew you towards family law in particular you don't seem like a family oriented guy you're single you're i don't like i would prefer if you just said asian first of all unless you're talking about a rug for some reason oriental is still okay to say if you're talking about rugs and this is true oriental rugs yes is this an oriental rug this is a kaladi thank you for asking now i also available at starbucks was graduating from school and when i went to the business college to check that if it's still going to be written on the diploma because i'm excited they said i'm sorry you aren't graduating with uh with whatever it was that i have the gpa i have the honor but they're not giving me the whatever that goes on the diploma buddy i'm almost there what are you talking about i'm looking right at you so i said this this what are you talking about i graduated with a three six or whatever it is this is why i did this thing they said but when you're going to graduate school i can't i'm i'm telling you the truth this is like i'm having i'm telling you like a real thing i'm looking right at you what are you you're falling asleep with my eyes open what major pain does who you sure about this he looks away to me watch this yo turd sniffer do you remember that damon waynes yeah do you remember that movie major pain yeah he was a drill instructor yeah he sleeps with his eyes open he did how do you do that that's like shitting with your assholes shut no it's not well have you tried it get ganned off my ass about this would you no pain any more brain busters any more brain busters are you still talking into oh sorry i thought you were talking into the camera sorry you mean something that fonzie has a difficult time saying swipe to a clip of happy days when fonzie is stuttering over saying sorry no i think fonzie had trouble saying the l word like there's a whole episode where he tries to go i i thought that was i'm pretty sure it's sorry he doesn't know how to say sorry i think it's love because sorry is easy but love what word does arthur fonzarelli have a difficult time saying probably schwarzenegger or zell we were both right wrong he has a hard time saying wrong what does he have a hard time saying wrong maybe because he has a stutter just with that wrong yeah word i guess well that's are you interested yes okay so they were still going to give me the cumulative gpa that i had right where they counted the better grade of that first semester but when just when deciding if they printed on the diploma right the way it works is they count both the the grades that i got when i retook the class and the d's that i got so those four five d's are harlan you fell asleep so fast what it's funny it just makes me not want to finish the story which is okay they don't want you to finish it either well then i won't yeah i think it's best you don't it's i'm almost there though i know but you've said that to a lot of girls it's really funny yeah but sometimes it takes me a long time to come where you said that i say i'm almost there with a lot of girls right when you're driving to their house and they're calling you and saying how far away are you misunderstood weird gps weird you want to tell me more about your tour i'd love to go ahead you're not gonna fall asleep i don't do that okay i'm going all over uh north america mostly the usa coast to coast san francisco to houston dallas atlanta sounds like it could be a beach boy song yeah houston atlanta hey i wanna and what's the rhyme with atlanta oh i ruined it well i guess it's not a beach boy song why don't you just have it it's not the atlantans i say atlanta first atlanta houston houston chicago hey i wanna fuck there's nothing wrong with chicago key largo i mean that's literally yeah but that's that's taking directly from the beach boys song because they say key largo but that's why that's what you do but no then you're in a you're taking godzilla you're taking lawyer then you're in a copyright uh infringement it's parody law like you using godzilla but comzilla yeah but it's comzilla is a different spelling don't say key largo is say p largo huh chicago she largo baby why don't we go to the coca go we'll get there slower and we'll take it fast switch them up okay that's where i want to go way down in coca-cola sponsored by and i can throw in a yeah anything you want wait so they counted the d's just for that and i then said this is that's ridiculous i go i know it shouldn't be this way but it is the way it is and we can't change it before graduation so as a way to pacify me they made up this award the academic achievement award for the college of business it's printed on with a label machine and when i went to graduation for the college of business there were a few hundred people that graduated i don't know i'm making that number up maybe it was even more and i saw there were like four other people the whole story or just that part i'm gonna be honest with you i i've told you that i really wanted to share this yeah um i've tried three times you've played the game you've played i was almost done with the story i'm now not going to tell the story anymore and i legitimately feel shut down in my body great okay so my tour is going all the way across the united states really excited for you that's cool you're not gonna fall asleep while i talk no i wouldn't do that i know it's something that you wanted to share thank you are you doing a show in los angeles wait a minute guys sounds like a setup well i would just love to be able to check it out i feel like you're gonna ask me about los angeles then you're gonna zawk out on me no i'm not feeling that tired because thanks to this magic mind although i gotta tell you something this is more like a slushy and slushies to me are like they get cold like in the neck some call it slushy some call it mucus yeah gross um i had a fun experience recently do you are you allowed to share like like intimate stories on your podcast or no yeah do you want me to or no you don't look interested i am interested i'm just i'm feeling a little sad that i couldn't share that story your feelings are hurt okay i want to hear the ending oh i really do it's it's it's it's um it's no longer something i i feel safe sharing but i i want you to feel safe how can i make you feel safe well it's not your responsibility it is it is my i understand that you're not somebody who in this moment is able to i'm able to feel safe with and i have i have now it took me a few times but i've accepted that and i've moved on and though my energy has now been brought down a little bit just because i'm human i'm i'm excited it'll be come back up maybe you could share your story and through the excitement of being interested in a friend i uh it'll help rejuvenate me well my story involves like human connectivity humor action human physicality human sexuality but not you quoted that one no no sometimes i'm a shrimp got it um sometimes i like to pretend i'm a shrimp yeah um but uh so people really kind of lock in when you talk sexual stuff versus kind of long-winded stories about going to school and winning awards and things you know i understand so tell me about the sex story well you look like you don't want to hear it i very do i'm very interested you're a friend of mine okay there's something you want to share it would be it's just fun it was exciting over the holidays uh i was partying with uh dualipa do you know this the pop star absolutely so me and her have been hammersmithing and uh hammersmithing sex or yeah it's like hammer jacking your power power steaming i don't use that word but hammer jack or power steam yeah you're having sex with dualipa thundercrank you know just and take this what you will yeah i'm having sex you're you and dualipa are having sex and so we went off to montana the state the state of montana and we rented a we stayed at a hunting lodge and uh we got uh just hammer jacking in the middle of the night just power steaming just power jamming and uh we like to do it doggy style where's that that's when you kind of make love like dogs do like pant uh no you take the pants right off because you can really chafe yourself if you try to shove your wiener through fabric i mean like you go like oh yeah oh yeah um and we like to you know because we're in a world of titles now you know he she they we and for he she they we like the whole you know i don't think we i don't think we is one in french it is no i don't think that's what we is it not a pronoun yes for a single person maybe one that's in a relationship okay well i was talking about siamese twins in a relationship they use we okay wow i don't know disrespectful doesn't feel nice does it yeah so anyways uh we like to give the dog when we do doggy stuff for for generations since just to be clear if people are just tuning in you're saying you're saying you're saying you're saying you're saying when you make love to do a leap while she's um uh hammer jacking i didn't say her rear end is facing you and you're holding onto her hips and her butt right but i didn't say making love i said hammer smithing uh-huh but i said making love yeah but if you could just say hammer jacking i'm gonna use the terms that i use i find that making love okay but that's not what we were doing we we like we have our own play talk and yeah but i'm not i'm not with you and do a leap like we'll be at the mall and we'll be at the food court at yogurt land or whatever and she'll take a slurp and i'll go hey you want to go in the janitor's closet and hammer smith and she'll be like let's rock and roll she's what does she sound like when she says it her voice yeah could you do a good voice she's got a bit of a rasp could you call her so i could hear her sure let me see um let's just go do you mind because i only have this if you we could delete the number after could you just uh i'll bleep it will you just tell me what her number is and i'll call her call my number i'm saying give me her number and i'll bleep it for this i'll text your number right now do a leap ah all right i'm texting you dewey's number also text her to a heads up so she knows to answer because it's okay it's from your phone yeah dewey friend rick don't ask him about his college story it's four minutes yeah okay okay i hope she's not on stage like rehearsing or anything she probably won't answer if she's on stage i hope she's we're nuts about each other there's that british ringtone hey your talk could you hear me yeah i can hear you i do oh hi oh my god he rehearsed you're saying or what i didn't want to yeah i'm just taking a little break oh god your voice how are you what are you doing you should tell her you're on a podcast oh i'm on a podcast with my buddy rick glassman i was wondering how i could hear in the background hi rick hello uh how are you yeah i'm good thing is that a baby are you rehearsing with a baby no that's my assistant her assistant's only one yeah you start them young it's good yeah they stay with you forever harlan was telling me that you guys go to the food court and sometimes while you're eating at yogurt land he brings you into the bathroom and hammersmiths you is that the right term that's our little term fred yeah but it wasn't the bathroom it's the i said the janitor's closet oh we shouldn't be telling them where we're going i don't think do it do it what do you call a janitor's closet in england um the broomloo yeah the broomloo yeah very cool well is there anything you want to plug before we hang up is there anything like about your tours or your shows or um the fact that you really hate israel or anything like that whoa yeah cool if i tell them about our little vacay at the hunting lodge in montana absolutely oh good i mean my website service 95 where i put up everything that harlan and i do so i do like tours of cities and mainly it's like broom loos and stuff wow yeah so tell us about the main montana so we're in montana and we we partied up in the hunting lodge in montana and the do and i like to do it doggy style but we you know like i was telling rick dewey that uh since the conception of doggy style everyone just generically calls it doggy style but dewey and i out of respect for the canine world we like to give ourself a breed so we're up in montana i went rottweiler and tell them what breed you were do i'm chesapeake bay retriever water dog right nice and so here we are me and the dude wet yeah me and the do are in the bed she's doing her water chestnut thing i'm doing the roddy and we're just hammersmithing right we're power jacking her head went right through the drywall. Whoa, is your assistant okay? It's just a baby. Probably fell. I've got a press thing and she just wants me to go. That's how we talk to each other. Got it. How's your head after it went through the drywall, Dua? It's fine. I wear like four wigs so I didn't even feel it. Yeah, she looks more like a Russian Ridgeback than an Alaskan Malaysian or whatever she said, but a Chesapeake Bay Retriever. Well, let her tell it. A Chesapeake Bay Retriever. Thank you. So anyways, her head goes through the drywall and gets stuck and we hear screaming through the drywall so I go running down the hall into the next room. This is a hunting lodge. I go running into the room. The people, I think it was the Davidsons from Minnesota were there on a vacay and up on the wall over the fireplace. It's a hunting lodge. There's a taxidermist. A moose head, a caribou, an elk, and Dua Lipa. Her head came right through over the mantle and just blended in with the heads. Well, Dua, I'm glad you're feeling better. Yeah, and listen, they were big fans so it all went down really well. The Davidsons? Yeah. Yes. Yeah, it was great. I loved her. All right. Well, thanks for letting us call you, Dua. We'd love to have you on the pod sometime if you're interested. Anytime. And I love juice. Oh, that's great. Juice or juice? Juice. Both. Oh. Real quick, before we let you go, I'd be remiss if we didn't have you sing a little number either one of your songs or any other song. Oh, no. I'm preserving my voice for tonight. All right. Yeah. Well, it was a pleasure to meet you, Dua. Bye, baby. Love you, sweetie. Bye. Love you, Dewey. She's probably breastfeeding. She's probably breastfeeding her assistant right now. Did I ever tell you how we met? How I met the Dewe? You did not tell me. Oh, this is so good. How long of a story would you say this is going to be? I'd say four. Four what? Minutes. Wow. Yeah. Quick. Let's go. You're not going to fall asleep, are you? On a podcast while I'm talking to my friend about something he wants to share with me? Okay. No. So, I went to my first Dua Lipa concert in Brixton in the United Kingdom. There's a small town outside of London called Brixton. It's right next to Sussex and just south of Chessex. And we were there. Broomloo. What? Broomloo is such a funny term to me. Well, you know, here's another funny term. Wardrobe. I'm going to text her. Do you mind if I text her and tell her I think Broomloo is funny? Not at all. I just don't like the idea that maybe now you've got a thing going. With my girlfriend. Like, I don't know that I think it's really cool that you're now you're engaging in charming little funny texts. And I feel like I'm watching a guy cheat on me right in front of me. With my gal. With my do. That would be disrespectful. Well, you just, why don't you just type her? Text her. I said Broomloo. I think that's really funny. Well, that's how it starts. Next thing you're a German shepherd and you're pounding a pug in a lodge somewhere. I mean, guy. Sorry, we're just, we were texting a little. I just want to see if she'll come on the either my face or my podcast. I was going to say if she'd come on my podcast or do a like a performance on it or something where she goes like this. She does this. This is how she dances. I taught her that. Really? Yeah. Where she twists her hip? Yeah. Yeah. I do a lot of her. Lipa. I actually came up with that while we were in the sack. Oh, so you've been, you guys have been having sex for years then. Well, hammer jacking and power smithing. But that little twist she does, we were trying to figure out a way. Picture in picture. How do we hammer Smith laying sideways? Because sometimes when it's late at night and you're comfy and you lay on your side, you just don't have the energy to like roll over onto each other and get up. So I'm so sorry. Just it's been, you have about two minutes left. How you guys met? Yeah. So just the way we hammer jack on the side as we came, I came up with that move. You were saying how you met her. Oh, yeah. So I'm at a Dua Lipa concert in Flux Knox just outside of Brexit Brexinville. Yeah. But this was just, it was over just on the other side of Leeds. Yeah. And what happened? Isn't that the hat store in England? What? Isn't that what it's called? Leeds? The hat store in England? It's also a town. It's a charming little British town with cobblestone streets and people wear onions on their heads. You like that? I like you. So anyways, here I am at a Dua Lipa concert. I'd never seen her and I get front rows because she's a dynamic performer. She's a. At this time, she isn't doing that dance because you hadn't met her yet, correct? We hadn't met. And we hadn't choreographed that when we were hammer steaming. And, but boy, when that one happened, I never thought she'd take it on stage. Like when I taught her that little sideways hammer jack and it became a thing. It became viral. But what happened is I'm in the front row because she's a dynamic performer. And usually what happens at these concerts with Rod Stewart or Def Leppard or. Van Halen, women take their panties off, twirl them and throw them at the performer on stage. Lipa got a look at me. I was down there in the front row and in the middle of her concert, she took her panty off, swung it and threw it at me. It's usually the people in the audience. People in the audience are usually the ones that throw it, right? Right. But she threw her panty right at me. Which was great, but I guess in all the excitement and all the choreography, she does a very energetic show. I think she might have accidentally done a chirp. She did a chirp in her thong. Now a chirp, that's when a bird makes a noise? A chirp is when you pinch off a poo, but it looks like a Hershey kiss. So it's got a little. I've never heard that term. Yeah, we developed that when we were little kids. We called it a chirp. You developed it? What does that mean? Me and my sisters just came up with a name for it. The chirp. Because you did this so much. Yeah, we did it. So we called it a chirp. And that's for real. It's the only real thing I've said this whole show. You and your sister would poop so often? A little bit? Somehow it came up in childhood conversation that all of us at some point must have pinched one off and we called it a chirp. I think someone left one in the toilet once and no one knew whose it was. So it's just a little piece of poop that looks like a Hershey's kiss. It looks like a. Because it got pinched, yeah. So we called it a chirp for some reason. So I think Doolippa, when she swirled her thong, it hit me and there was a chirp in it. I got a chirp in my eye. I was with my buddy Donnie and he was on my head, went back, kind of like, have you ever seen the Schroeder tapes for the JFK assassination? With the poop? No, with when Kennedy's head snaps back. With the poop, you're saying? No, no, the Kennedy. He got hit with a bullet from a book suppository. Didn't they rename Kennedy Trump? No, no, it's JFK. No, he renamed it the Trump. The Trump, oh, the Kennedy Center. Yeah. They called it the Trump-Kennedy Center. Is that named after the same guy? I believe so, the President Kennedy. So then Trump. Trump, yeah, and so I'm sitting there, my head goes back, Donnie, I look over at Donnie and go, Osmond? No, no, just my buddy Donnie. What's his last name? Oswald. Donnie Oswald? Wait, is that a relation from JFK? Yeah, the book suppository guy. Yeah, it's so weird. I don't mean to make a pun about you and Dua Lipa, but it seems like it's all coming together. Yeah, we usually do. Chirp, you usually chirp. And so I turn to Donnie and he goes, dude, there's a Hershey kiss on your eye. And I go, what the F? And so. You didn't, you weren't swearing? No, we were just using letters because it was loud. We didn't want to finish words. And so I get this. Why not say WTF then? Because it's too long. It's not as long as what the F? Yeah. I'm just, my brain's short-circuiting because of the chirp. Number five is alive. Whew! Number five alive. How do you remember the number? Wait. Oh, wow. Aren't you number lexic? Yeah. How did I remember it? That's weird. Holy smokes. Maybe. Wow. Have I been lying this whole time? No. I have to go pee. See? F***. Hey, folks. Well, Rick's urinating. Don't forget my calm Zilla comedy tour, coast to coast, 2026, uh, doing theaters from San Francisco to Atlanta and everywhere in between. Uh, my first real big theater tour, uh, doing my standup and would mean the world for me to have you guys come out and, uh, support and have some laughs and have a great time. And I promise to do a killer killer show and, uh, get your tickets at Harlan williams.com. That's come Zilla sort of like the monster Godzilla, but it's a funny one. Oh, Hey, how was it buddy? Good. Yeah, it was good. Thanks for asking. How much would you say your trophy weighs? It's pretty heavy. Probably five pounds. Oh, more than that. Yeah. It's pretty heavy. Let's say, let's say seven. Yeah. It's like a good walleye. The robot from the Disney cartoon. No, no. A walleye is a fish. Good. Seven pound walleye is a good fish. Are you looking it up? Walleye. It's a pickerel prolific in Minnesota. The Roku CEO talks new $3 a month ad free streamer. Sometimes I'll get, um, uh, emails where the headline is stuff like that. And even when I'm by myself, I'll read it out loud as if I was excited about it. Oh, you know? Yeah. You want, you want to hear another one? Okay. Can't wait. Golden globes, final prediction centers one battle after another and Brazil aimed to make history, you know, like that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All excited, but it's fake. Yeah. Who cares? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Who cares? Um, you said something about a word recently, a British word, but it was different. What was it? Uh, Broomloo Broomloo and janitor's closet. So let me tell a quick story because oddly, I would love to let you do that in the, in the UK. They call a wardrobe. It's like a closet. It's like a closet. They call it a wardrobe. I still think that's, I mean, I still refer to it as that sometimes. Okay. Well, I was me and do Lepo. We were, we were out, uh, partying one night in, uh, Shuckston just South, South of Essex, Brisex, South of Brisex. Yeah. And, uh, Essex is West. We went out for Indian food. The loop, the loop loves the Indian food. People in England love Indian food. He loves the curry. There's a big Indian community in London. Did you know that? Big? Yeah. And the dew worm, she loves to get out there and curry it up. And we go, Hey, me too. Steph Curry with the three. That was a nice, Whoa. Hey, Steph Curry with that three shot. You try to fit in with the youth. Okay. Oh, Wilson. Come back. Come back. We'll sit. You know, come back. Wilson, Jenny, Jenny. No, that's the wrong movie. Same actor. Yeah. But that's something for us. Gump. It was never washed away. I don't want this to get demonetized for us stealing somebody else's things. Similar to how you do comzilla. So I thought if we kind of, okay. My mama said life was like a box of basketballs. You never know when you're going to switch. out and curried it up real deep me and the dew drop we're out how deep like half court like vendeloo uh korma like we made we turned india upside down shook it around and when it came back it looked like taipei i mean wait wait could you explain what that means because i normally get what you're saying right explain what that means that means it's there's so many levels of curry that's the hottest taipei oh yeah upside down yeah unbelievable and so she was jacked up and we go back to the jacked up from how spicy it was yeah like dua lipa's bowels were doing a moon dance on planet x nord let me i let me guess there's going to be more than a chirp coming well here's what happened you've heard of a dutch oven yes that's where in in in uh deutschland how they make their breads right or it's also how you make your breads right or it's also how you make your breads right or it's also how you make your breads right or it's also how fat people in ohio go to sleep fat people in ohio go to sleep fat people in ohio go to sleep and so here we are we're laying in bed and so here we are we're laying in bed and so here we are we're laying in bed and the dude dropper just cranked up on and the dude dropper just cranked up on and the dude dropper just cranked up on curry's curry's curry's and she did what we call a lion the and she did what we call a lion the and she did what we call a lion the witch in the wardrobe fart witch in the wardrobe fart witch in the wardrobe fart and what that does it's such a powerful and what that does it's such a powerful and what that does it's such a powerful blast blast blast it blew the cupboard doors open and it blew the cupboard doors open and it blew the cupboard doors open and the whole room smelled like narnia the whole room smelled like narnia the whole room smelled like narnia unbelievable no does narnia smell bad unbelievable no does narnia smell bad unbelievable no does narnia smell bad oh yeah all right you ever been behind an indian all right you ever been behind an indian all right you ever been behind an indian restaurant at midnight with the restaurant at midnight with the restaurant at midnight with the dumpster just been washed out after dumpster just been washed out after dumpster just been washed out after dumpster's been cleaned you're saying dumpster's been cleaned you're saying dumpster's been cleaned you're saying yeah yeah yeah i don't think so yeah so she did a lion i don't think so yeah so she did a lion i don't think so yeah so she did a lion witch in the wardrobe fart and wow witch in the wardrobe fart and wow witch in the wardrobe fart and wow did you guys have any turkish delight did you guys have any turkish delight did you guys have any turkish delight not that night not that night not that night but uh let's just say we have but uh let's just say we have but uh let's just say we have so you have had turkish delight oh so you have had turkish delight oh so you have had turkish delight oh yeah that's what you're saying yeah we've yeah that's what you're saying yeah we've yeah that's what you're saying yeah we've had we call it turkish hammersmith had we call it turkish hammersmith had we call it turkish hammersmith delight delight delight yeah yeah yeah yeah but you heard her we have our little but you heard her we have our little but you heard her we have our little sayings ever do you have little sayings sayings ever do you have little sayings sayings ever do you have little sayings with your gal like little sexual well i with your gal like little sexual well i with your gal like little sexual well i don't have a gal you don't no sir if don't have a gal you don't no sir if don't have a gal you don't no sir if without giving a name your last gal did without giving a name your last gal did without giving a name your last gal did you have pillow talk you can share with you have pillow talk you can share with you have pillow talk you can share with us like little cutesy us like little cutesy us like little cutesy bedroom term sexual acts yeah you know bedroom term sexual acts yeah you know bedroom term sexual acts yeah you know to be honest with you sometimes when we to be honest with you sometimes when we to be honest with you sometimes when we were were were making love she would take on the making love she would take on the making love she would take on the character of a vietnamese character of a vietnamese character of a vietnamese um pedicure worker oh wow talk to me um pedicure worker oh wow talk to me um pedicure worker oh wow talk to me that's what i would ask her to do okay that's what i would ask her to do okay that's what i would ask her to do okay and she would talk to me as if she were and she would talk to me as if she were and she would talk to me as if she were a vietnamese pedicure a vietnamese pedicure a vietnamese pedicure worker and yeah and uh worker and yeah and uh worker and yeah and uh i'll tell you something yeah this i'll tell you something yeah this i'll tell you something yeah this isn't a fetish of mine it's never isn't a fetish of mine it's never isn't a fetish of mine it's never something i thought i would like it's something i thought i would like it's something i thought i would like it's not something i even asked for she just not something i even asked for she just not something i even asked for she just did it and did it and did it and the combination of one um the combination of one um the combination of one um the the connection that i felt with her the connection that i felt with her the connection that i felt with her yeah two yeah two yeah two the um the the talent the talent that she the um the the talent that she the um the the talent that she had also to have the extra feelings of had also to have the extra feelings of had also to have the extra feelings of laughter laughter laughter right being funny um to hear this voice right being funny um to hear this voice right being funny um to hear this voice coming out of this woman coming out of this woman coming out of this woman um it really allowed for a wonderful um it really allowed for a wonderful um it really allowed for a wonderful sexual experience wow sexual experience wow sexual experience wow so she you were sort of role playing i so she you were sort of role playing i so she you were sort of role playing i don't even know if i was we do we had don't even know if i was we do we had don't even know if i was we do we had we had we had we had okay but in this situation she kind of okay but in this situation she kind of okay but in this situation she kind of just took just took just took she just said hey listen i think i'd she just said hey listen i think i'd she just said hey listen i think i'd like to get drilled right now but i like to get drilled right now but i like to get drilled right now but i think i would rather get drilled while think i would rather get drilled while think i would rather get drilled while we were working at my we were working at my we were working at my what do you call it what do you call it what do you call it what do you call it pedicure station yeah yeah pedicure station yeah yeah pedicure station yeah yeah yeah and i'll be honest with you even yeah and i'll be honest with you even yeah and i'll be honest with you even thinking about it right now it's it's thinking about it right now it's it's thinking about it right now it's it's it's making me laugh and miss her it's making me laugh and miss her it's making me laugh and miss her maybe i need to go get a pedicure maybe i need to go get a pedicure maybe i need to go get a pedicure yeah yeah yeah wow and can you do the voice that she wow and can you do the voice that she wow and can you do the voice that she did i i'm not good with voices no did i i'm not good with voices no did i i'm not good with voices no okay oh she did the dialect oh she did the dialect oh she did the dialect i thought she was like a north american i thought she was like a north american i thought she was like a north american vietnamese like oh you write that funny vietnamese like oh you write that funny vietnamese like oh you write that funny guy guy guy you write how i pray around with the you write how i pray around with the you write how i pray around with the spring roll spring roll spring roll fun guy well spring roll would be more fun guy well spring roll would be more fun guy well spring roll would be more a restaurant a restaurant a restaurant and fungi would be more more like in the and fungi would be more more like in the and fungi would be more more like in the woods woods woods well you're no that's fungus but fungi is well you're no that's fungus but fungi is well you're no that's fungus but fungi is singular for fungus yeah in the wood singular for fungus yeah in the wood singular for fungus yeah in the wood but no i was thinking more funny guy but no i was thinking more funny guy but no i was thinking more funny guy like because you're a funny guy so she like because you're a funny guy so she like because you're a funny guy so she call you fungi yeah she would use she call you fungi yeah she would use she call you fungi yeah she would use she would speak in uh she would speak in would speak in uh she would speak in would speak in uh she would speak in with american or english words with american or english words with american or english words so you like it to roll around in the so you like it to roll around in the so you like it to roll around in the cabbage cabbage cabbage i don't think what you're doing is i don't think what you're doing is i don't think what you're doing is vietnamese funny guy like to roll vietnamese funny guy like to roll vietnamese funny guy like to roll around real fun time funny guy around real fun time funny guy around real fun time funny guy like that i am getting a little hard like that i am getting a little hard like that i am getting a little hard it's party time pinky it's party time pinky it's party time pinky are you thinking what i'm thinking i are you thinking what i'm thinking i are you thinking what i'm thinking i think therefore i know think therefore i know think therefore i know pinky are you pondering what i'm pinky are you pondering what i'm pinky are you pondering what i'm pondering pondering pondering wow that's fun bro wow that's fun bro wow that's fun bro so you do a lot of sounds like you have so you do a lot of sounds like you have a pretty theatrical a pretty theatrical a pretty theatrical kind of sex life kind of sex life kind of sex life it depends on whom uh whom i'm with it depends on whom uh whom i'm with it depends on whom uh whom i'm with and what the relationship's like but i and what the relationship's like but i and what the relationship's like but i do think that's a nice tool to have do think that's a nice tool to have do think that's a nice tool to have in the bag every now and then to be able in the bag every now and then to be able in the bag every now and then to be able to play like that yeah to play like that yeah to play like that yeah i applaud you because i think a lot of i applaud you because i think a lot of i applaud you because i think a lot of them maybe you can address this and help them maybe you can address this and help them maybe you can address this and help your listeners your listeners your listeners i think a lot of men don't have the i think a lot of men don't have the i think a lot of men don't have the courage courage courage to role play and be theatrical in the to role play and be theatrical in the to role play and be theatrical in the bedroom there before it becomes a little stale and boring but the fact that you're sort of taking on many different roles have you ever done the uh played the elephant man have you ever seen that movie i have played i have i've seen the play i was actually um i auditioned for it i ended up um i ended up um getting cast as the hump oh wow the pillow talk when i've done it myself when you take on the elephant man in bad and what is that what is that like it's just like is that what her vagina does no no that's how he talked he was i know i'm saying when you play elephant man do you have the woman do that with her vagina because what you just did looked like a vagina your mouth looked like a vagina vagina it looked like a vagina being silly no no that's how we i don't have you've seen the elephant man movie again i just i was in the play but i was under a under a role all the time don't like he talks like an elephant it's the elephant man what else do you want to talk about let's talk about something else or maybe just end the podcast because i'm not interested in this anymore and i just wanted like okay maybe this is the end instead of just like trying to go longer because we can maybe we just end this fucking thing sorry there's a little residual um it's whatever you want guy this is your party this is your this is your you control this you want you've won 12 awards i would think that if you wanted to stop a podcast you'd know when and how because you're an award winner and so it's not incumbent on me to stop it the award winner knows how to do it stop it interesting right it kind of looks like i just brought you back a little it comes together see you're on the way out now you're coming back and it's like a revolving award winner door you know rude is the only word the door spells backwards but that's not even how you would spell it what would how would jim morrison spell it uh because he's from because you mean because he's from the doors right i mean i don't know how he spells things i would imagine you spell r-u-d-e i think it'd be like r-u-d-e because it's jim morrison bro it's not gonna spell like a common man he's a poet your chin's really far back in your skull right now like can you taste the back of your cranium stick your tongue in backwards no backward are you licking the back of your cranium i'm i'm going as far back that my tongue that i know how to do yeah you're licking the back of your skull cap i mean you've never done that just the roof of my mouth try to licking the back of your skull cap all the way back up behind your brain isn't that cool i i just can't get past the roof of my mouth i can't i can massage the back of my brain this is what i was thinking of maybe ending it recently like that's why i was thinking like the end of the podcast could have happened yeah you're an award winner end it award winner end it like do an award-winning ending like i can do award music if you want then you can okay we're done and we're out are we done i hope are we is it over the comzilla is it going across the country are we done kongzilla ending monologue oh oh you motherfuckers oh you motherfuckers okay okay all right i'm all right i'm putting cases on all you bitches king kong oh you can say i'm gonna do it my way you think you could do this shit jack you think you could do this to me you motherfuckers will be playing basketball in pelican bay when i get finished the program then he says the n-word 23 hour lockdown i'm the man up in this piece man up in this piece this is my impression keep going you're almost there this is my impression you're almost there finish it the guy who goes into audition for training day yeah um and uh really thought he was gonna get it finish it you're right there i smell another award coming one sec do the king kong line and then you're out my grandma's calling king kong got nothing on me hi grandma what hello there darling how are you hello how are you who's there it's me denzel washington how are you love who is that i'm doing a quilting circle in about half an hour i'd love you to come over i'm recording a podcast now grandma with denzel washington hi oh with who denzel washington how are you king kong hello all right yes hi who is that it's denzel washington how are you king kong got nothing on me ricky i'll call you in a little bit all right again call me back thoroughly go ahead all right honey you want to say anything to denzel washington yeah i'm sure but that doesn't sound like cv my cb3po all right i love you grams i'll call you soon all right darling bye-bye she doesn't like denzel washington i think she didn't believe that that was denzel washington that would lose her that didn't got grandmother i'm a grand loser okay i think that's enough thanks for coming over yeah here you go oh thanks yeah ah ah another award all right uh anything you want to plug comzilla comedy thanks for coming to the podcast harlan williams go to comzilla.com harlan to find out when he's coming to houston my name is rick glassman and as i say at the end of every podcast thanks so much for tuning in harlan williams.com not comzilla.com harlan williams.com if you're going to be an award winner get it right the music you okay nailed it i don't know i don't know do you want to do a dramatic one dramatic hour real quick a what a drama hour podcast real quick what's that before we do a podcast but instead of we're comedians we're we're drama guys another hour an hour or two i wouldn't have time today i was just making a joke oh my god i never get your joke i mean you know scooby-doo blubbity-boo scoop deep oh yeah Thank you.