Hannah Berner

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert. I'm Dax Shepard. I'm joined by Monica Padman. Hi. Today we have Hannah Berner on. Hannah is a stand-up comedian and a best-selling author. She has a book called How to Giggle. Yes. Based on her wonderful podcast, Giggle Squad with Hannah Berner and Paige DeSorbo. She has a new stand-up special now streaming on Hulu called None of My Business. And Babers is doing a TV show with her. She's got a lot happening. It's exciting stuff. And I just adore her. She was so fun. Yeah, she was. Also ex-professional tennis player, which is fascinating. We get into that and it's really, really interesting. I don't know if professionals are the right word, but college division one. Elite. Serious business. Please enjoy Hannah Berner. We get support from Quince. You know what I think about a lot? The stuff in my closet, I actually wear. Like not the trendy pieces, the sweater that goes with everything, or the. 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Like not letting the small stuff snowball into this whole thing where I'm tense for the rest of the day over something that didn't even matter. It came to mind immediately because I know I do it. Someone cuts me off in traffic and somehow I'm still thinking about it at dinner. Two seconds, that's all it was. So yeah, that's what I'm working on. And that's where BetterHelp comes in. You know how I feel about therapy. It's just necessary. In fact, sometimes I know I'm not supposed to say this. I judge you if you've never tried it. Better is a feeling defined by you. And for BetterHelp, it's a BetterHelp therapist who really gets you. It's a focus on global, emotional well-being with thousands of therapists and millions of members in over 100 countries. It's progress. And it's getting better at letting the small stuff stay small. That's my better. Sign up and get 10% off at BetterHelp.com slash DAX. That's BetterHelp.com slash DAX. I'm a little nervous. I was all calm and ready. And then I got to thinking. I was like, you don't have any stories. Who are you? You have no personality. No history. I've been nervous for a while, though. Since like 2006 when I had to give a handjob for the first time. Whoa, that's a long time. 20 years. No, I've been nervous before. But this is so exciting. I'm so honored to be here. Whoa, we're so flattered. That's incredibly flattering. You guys make podcasting cool. As do you. We both, I think, share an award. Do you guys win? iHeart Podcast of the Year this year? We did. I think it was a little bit of a made-up award. Well, yeah. Tell me why. Awards are made up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't accept it. I'm like, that was a great brand promo. Well, hold on. Are you on iHeart? No. Okay. So I'm trying to find who would have bought this. Exactly. But they were like announcing The Daily, Amy Poehler. And I'm looking at Paige. I'm like, we're not fucking winning this. And she's like, they wouldn't have invited us to come all the way here. We literally were fighting during the award. Yeah, yeah. Presentation. But yeah, the award is nice. I think this is a very legitimate award. We won it too. This isn't a stupid art form. I was like an athlete. Like, you knew who the winner was. This is just people having fun. Also, I'm not going to like see The Daily people and be like, hey, losers. Right. Maybe better next year. Be more fact-checky. Poor Daily. That was my hot take for the Golden Globes. I was like, it's so flattering. And also, if Malcolm Gladwell is not nominated, I don't know what this category means. Oh yeah, Amy Poehler's shot on NPR. That was great. What did she say? Well, she was like, NPR, try harder next time, you losers. Oh, yeah. You know, congrats to us. Yeah, absolutely. The year that we won, we had beaten Dr. Death, which was among my top three podcasts I've ever heard in my life. Did you listen to Dr. Death? No, because I'm a bad listener. Okay. Interesting. I'm a bad listener. Because of the ADHD? Probably. I also, after I stopped my nine-to-five job. I don't have that morning routine where you like listen to a podcast. So it's a lot of me talking. Do you not exercise? You don't have to attack me right when I got here. We dump really, we dump right in. Dad's fat shaming me the second I get here. I understand you don't have a commute, so you wouldn't listen to it there. I'm just going through the top categories of listeners. It's like they're on a commute, so you listen. I call my mom a lot. You do? That's sweet. Like how frequently? Too much. She's like, hey, the nest is, you got to get out. I'm 34. This is Lenore, the jazz singing. I'm obsessed with people who do research. You guys are real journalists. I don't care what people say. We're real journalists. Shout out to Lenore. She's listening. You don't call Dan? You know, my dad, my best friend, my tennis coach. Oh, he was. We're like connected. We're like, I don't even have to talk to him. He'll like randomly send me a text. Like, if you're having a tough day, I love you. I'm like, God damn it, Dad. Where my mom, I'm like, should I get this salad or the chicken fingers? And she's like, leave me alone. I'm like, does birth control work? So you're multiple times a day with her? Yeah. That's really sweet. And for how long at an interval? Great question. She's a badass. She was a principal of a public middle school in Brooklyn, New York. P.S. P.S. 51s. 51s. As they say. It's a hardcore. It's hardcore. Yeah, yeah. And she's just right about everything. So in life, if you have someone in your family who's smarter, more experienced, why am I trying to figure it out? That's very wise of you, actually. Mm-hmm. I know what I do. I don't know. I just learned that we're opposites. But since getting married, the first guy I've ever dated who's really smart. Congrats. It's a big deal. I've been through the CTE. I've done it now. And really quick, is it Des or Des? It's Desmond. Right. I know that part, but the D-S. And Des is like a short in Ireland. They say Des. Okay, great. So Des. But Desmond does sound like a linebacker for the Packers. He does. He's all fucked up. He was born here then and grew up in Ireland. At 14, he. Was drinking, being naughty. His parents kick him out. And he jokes to the World Series of Drinking, Ireland, because it's a family there. Continues partying. Sure. Sober by 19. I don't know. It's interesting to me when people are sober. Has he been sober since 19? Wow. He's 50 now. I know. I'm 11 months older than him. He's November? Yes. Yeah. My Scorpio came. And he's also sober. For one second. We love that. You had a little panic attack. Is it December? It is November. I know. I was like, my whole marriage is riding on this. Wow. He's been sober. He's been sober for 31 years. That's wild. I dated a lot of addicts. I love how we're getting right into it. That's what we do. That's how we are, you guys. That's just how we do it. That's us. We don't know how else to be. We really don't know how else to be. When an addict falls for you, there's no other attention like that. When they fucking lock eyes with you and you're their new source of. You're their addiction. Yeah. It's incredible. But I've realized you want to be with a guy who's been sober for an extended period of time. Probably, yeah. Wait. Wait. You learned because you had someone like a year and then it went sideways? I've done the sober. Cali sober. Yeah. Or then he calls me and he's like, I have to tell you something. There's a reason you haven't seen me in two weeks. Oh, God. Yeah. Two weeks. And I never smoked a cigarette. Right. Because you're an athlete. Because I was an athlete. I think in my past life, I was an addict. So I'm like, why play with that? Oh, okay. Like, what am I going to do? Try cocaine in my 30s and then be like, I like cocaine and I'm addicted to cocaine in my 30s? No, there's just a little bit of ground between trying. in an addict, Malcolm Gladwell book. Over 90% of people who try cocaine don't become addicted to it you're saying you might you sense that you might it's like in you i'm addicted to comedy i'm addicted to things so i'm like why test it because the best part of it becomes that you like it yeah yeah yeah you remind me so much of my best friend panay because he was like hardcore athlete baseball division one the whole thing never drank once in his life never had a cigarette and then that whole part of his life was over but he's like why would i do that now i've already proven i'm maniacal about things when i like them so i'm impressed i'm just like i'm here once let's try everything yeah i always say the worst thing is you have a horrible night and then the best thing is like now you could have a problem but actually my bachelorette party in 2022 my friends were like do one one hit of cocaine a little bump one hit such a loose what is it one spoonful one teaspoon one glass one glass of cocaine and i was like okay i swear to god it was the end of the bachelorette we're like in our pajamas just like you know hotel i was like let's do it yeah yeah immediately got a nosebleed oh like the blood just slowly came out and my friends were like not fun you ruined it yeah scary and i was like sorry i'm so pure yeah i can't do this but do you drink i love eating if you're at a meal i'm like so if i drink that drink the chicken parmesan's not gonna hit as well and i get like tired i get sleepy when i'm sure sure i lose all my wit i'll start a conversation and just start laughing at myself i don't get cooler when i'm drunk that's why i didn't like weed is the one thing i have to offer is i'm like orally dexterous and i'd get high and be like i'm not sure i'm making a point right now i'm pretty sure no one's following me my superpower is gone and now i just have a big nose in a week 10 i would look in the mirror and be like is my face round or oval like that was my joke and i i think everyone's mad at me so i ruin parties when i do the alcohol or the drugs and the alcohol i gotta go back to the cocaine the one where was the bachelor obviously miami job rule came out it was the greatest greatest weekend and i'm not a partier i told my friends i was like maybe go to a farm and we pet animals my friends were like no yeah we're going to a strip club yeah i'm not taking the weekend off work and all this shit to go fucking pet horses and i'm like was one of my early friends to get married so they girls were like this is like the hangover yeah they wanted to fuck fast we're now when people say they have a bachelorette you're like i missed the email like i'm so sorry i start making up gigs i don't have you were in miami and was it fun restaurants or were there nightclubs it was fun restaurants actually shout out to a friend of the pod not to name drop yeah let's do it please marcello was there oh my god and you guys were doing oh my god you go to a getty a getty i don't want to take credit for anything marcello's done because he's a star and he's always been a star however this was pre-snl for him right now we're hanging out at the stand he might have got you unengaged i know he's he's a killer he is i know marcello as just the sweetest driven creative he's a guy's girl he's just hanging out with the girls like gossiping having fun but i was telling about the bachelorette and he's like you're coming to miami yeah yeah yeah and he slides me like a list of all the things and he goes i might be around just let me know so when i'm there i'm just trying to have fun and i text him like i'm in miami how had you met him we'd be in the clubs doing stand-up yeah i didn't know him well enough to have him at my bachelorette but immediately you're like yeah yeah yeah yeah i wanted him to walk out of this interview into my house and just live there i text my friends i just want my friends to have fun i get stressed if other people aren't having fun like at one point no one was talking to me everyone was just talking to everyone else i was like good i'll just i'll go fuck myself because at least my friends had to pay to be here this is your codependency back so i text marcello because like he's just a bottle of fun and i'm like where are we going what are we doing we're at a club he gets my face up on it oh wait he got your face up on like a screen at the club guy wow he really he's like a fixer a miami fixer but then i realized he was my domingo like yeah who's the guy at your bachelor i'm like that's marcello he's just organizing who's that impossibly charming disarmingly non-threatening yet you're horny guy you're with so non-threatening us and marcello running around miami and yeah that was pre-snl and it was wow such a fun time and now my friends will be like is that the guy that was in the pool with anyone hook up with him oh well i not you i did i was telling people that i was like this guy's gonna blow up you gotta get him get in on the basement floor get him when the stock is now he's getting a gorgeous yale like architect so sorry gals yeah i missed out that's okay life is long i told myself i wouldn't be with a comedian oh but i'm married to a comedian oh boy okay jesmond yeah how did he return to the states was his parents are like okay you can come home good question i feel like someone needs to call the government figure that out no but he stayed there and actually fell in love with comedy there i was kind of like this is my new home he got on a tv show where he did like a documentary series and it was back then where like if you were on a tv show everyone watched it on what one channel sure yeah there was like bbc one two and three take your pick 1.5 yeah yeah and he goes out and everyone suddenly knew who he was so he became a really successful comedian in ireland and lived this great fun life without me because he's selfish and then he during covid came back does he long for it does he want you guys to spend time in ireland he's going there for a bit it's actually when you live in new york it's the same distance to ireland to la oh right but it was weird where he'd lived this pre-trained i like that what's that mean he's pre-trained she doesn't have to do anything yeah like he's not standing on the table he's not like peeing on a couch he doesn't have to yeah like he's been yelled at by previous owners i don't have to do yeah the heavy lifting and i've never dated an older man before it wasn't like my kink how did this happen yeah wait this is actually kind of romantic yes i love we love romance we love me cute and also monica's probably like older men yeah she would she would also end up in this situation although it's starting to change but we can talk about that her fucking age limit on a rye was like 65 years old because sean penn was 65 for a minute everyone loves sean penn because he's the kind of guy that like wouldn't remember your name like i can just tell and i'm like i fucking need your attention right now it's that exact same thing if he can remember my name oh my god i've noticed you in a room was like i need to talk to her yeah done also if he saw that nose bleeding he'd be like who cares let's eat the blood right off your face so romantically i always loved comedy i was just a comedy fan i was doing cold calling sales and we'd go to all these new york city comedy clubs and this handsome guy comes up in the cellar and i'm staying there i'm like 25 and he's cute and he says that he lives in ireland does he have a fun accent like a hybrid so he has this insane hybrid accent he talks like a trucker like this yeah but he'll say like british words like quite uh-huh i would like problem yeah like he'll say big eloquent words but talking like he's a firefighter yeah it's a fun little mix yeah and he speaks mandarin oh wait like my husband is so much more interesting than me when we talk about him but he's traveled yeah but i've traveled i don't speak mandarin he got bored with stand-up in ireland well he wasn't bored but he wanted to challenge himself so he wanted to learn mandarin and do stand-up in mandarin this is what sober guys do they're looking for a high it's true to conquer something he's like i need to something more okay that makes sense of all the zany solutions to the itch like his mom took some tylenol i don't know what happened but so he says like i live in ireland i'm sitting there and i'm like oh i guess i'm not marrying that comic and it's funny how comics they're just so hot on stage especially the men they just say something i mean girls you're like okay stop it but they got we get it but when guys talk you're like look at him commanding that room he's in control of it too so hot i think i followed him but i didn't talk to him i'm also not like gonna find him i don't know i'm not doing that fast forward shout out to friend of the pod nikki glazer okay i just love nikki who for some reason since day one has been so nice to me early on was like do you want to follow me around at the club and you could ask me dumb questions any questions she would answer nikki early on she kind of saw something in me and then she knows how lonely it could kind of be when you're the girl yeah i do think in a lot of female comedy it's like if you can ugly yourself or be as much of a man as possible you fit in more so girls will gravitate to that and i think because i always kind of had my own voice in the beginning and i didn't care i love men they're all good i didn't need them to pick me like i'm like an athlete i'm like i could talk about sports with you like i don't need you all tennis my calves are bigger than yours 100 god he's good yeah oh you think that was research no it was calves are bigger she had a cab off with jimmy phelan oh look at that motherfucker i would they are you want to enter the frame compliment my calves in not a sexual way they'll just be like so what do you do do you do raises like what is the like you get what i get on a plane like what's your diet yeah like there's no sexual connection about it but nikki she's so beautiful and then she can say so many things and i think also i'm a brunette so we're not competing with each other right like we could be back to back in a lineup they're like that's a brunette you wouldn't be confused we're like you're a brunette i just followed her around one night she did like seven spots and i'm like are you planning your bits why are you doing certain seven in one night she's a monster she even talked about how she does her roast and stuff and it makes me be like okay that's what you do if you want that you have to do that well again you're fucking a hard wire for this this is tennis it sounds kind of crazy but tennis and stand-up are very similar tell me the parallels well tennis is have you ever played tennis yes in ninth grade i was on the team i was terrible i only played doubles with my friend rich deaver because we just wanted to make jokes do you play tennis i do not this is me turning into my like coach they say the court is seven inches from ear to ear it's fully a mental game especially at a certain level when everyone's strokes are pretty much the same the muscle memory is there we all can serve the same the second you're on the court it's your demons and they're just out there you can't call a timeout you can't pass the ball they're isolated vulnerable sport and when you lose you can't be like well the fucking forward didn't do their job you're like yeah there's no nowhere to kick the blame you can't that's also why tennis i had a very successful career but i had a lot of mental battles i'm chatty in my head i have my adhd and there's some russian robots on tour these girls look right through you i felt so different from them and i would get performance anxiety i thought i was crazy and i was battling myself every day were beta blockers a thing that tennis players took back then so beta blockers are i feel like a little hard with the physical stuff because you need your heart rate because you need your heart rate yeah that makes sense you're shaking i actually had a service yip moment in college okay and for people don't know what the yips just say what the yips are it's i hate saying the word but i have to raise awareness yeah yips are like in baseball when a professional player on second base can't throw it to first or like tiger woods can't chip it's where your brain decides like you can't do something even though you can yeah or simone not being able to do that rotation and i think now it's a little symptom of some ocd where you basically think like what's the worst thing that could happen to me and then you make it happen and i'm a vulnerable 19 year old a lot of pressure playing number one for university wisconsin oh wow and i remember i'm training too much in the summer and i'm making changes and then someone mentioned to me like oh yeah once there was a girl who couldn't hit a second serve after she changed her grip or something i walked off that court and i knew it was me it's so dark to say but it was all in me already it just was a way for my anxiety to like show its course like an off-ramp for the anxiety it was so bad i was doing underhand serves like and i'm playing number one that's horrifying full scholarship division one you lose your scholarship if you don't do well enough you start serving underhand yeah no literally yeah yeah they have a staff psychologist at these division one schools so funny not to be like back in my day but in 2011 there was one psychologist but she was kind of like what's up when she did the whole team and it wasn't serious anyone cutting yeah okay anyone doing um little bumps of cocaine i could have fucking used it probably sure and then you become obsessed with it you wake up in the morning you're watching videos of serves that's your whole obsession and then it's like a shame which is the worst emotion and your dad is your coach during all this so i went to wisconsin he was like go off this is what i need i'm a professional i basically was like i'm a mental case yeah when meanwhile i'm just like a girl trying her best just trying to do well but i was like i'm a mental case and then i was doing well i did get hit by a car oh my god but again that was literally like a sign from the universe because i was like if you keep working hard you will be great i was doing that since i was eight and i was like i work harder than everyone i have the talent if i could get past these mental problems but you're like digging yourself no i honestly like people like comics are dark and i'm like i'm happy i'm like no that was pretty fucking dark yeah like most people in college were like discovering anal like i was like in a room being like get your second serve together or no one's gonna love you yeah yeah oh so to be clear it was just the second so if you didn't get it in on the first serve then that second one you're incapable of doing you had to do it underhand yeah that's a little better at least you had one serve that you could have got lucky with well that's why i was still winning because i was like in matches and stuff yeah yeah you need that second serve you could have reframed it it's like this is my thing my superpower is that for whatever reason i'm okay with being embarrassed oh he's like that too i hate it we should go to the mall together or something oh my god no it's because my dad is super silly like everyone used to be like embarrassed like my dad my dad would do something stupid i'd be like he's so funny like that was iconic so i've been embarrassed in so many situations where like i feel nothing can i share this with you yeah this bonding moments i've had with my daughter my older daughter she thinks it's really embarrassing when people run with a backpack on again who knows why but like that's like one of her things right if you're late to class and then like somehow she was crossing the street and like she misjudged the light blah blah blah then she had to run and then she saw like a big group of girls from her school and she was like i was so embarrassed and i go do you like it at all and she goes yeah i love it and i go yeah me too the reason i love is it's so weird i guess it's the addict in me it's like anything outside of my normal state i kind of enjoy so just like when you're deeply embarrassed the sensations in your body and the panic i get aware of it it's almost like when you're on hallucinogenics and you're like well that's scary oh but don't worry it's just hallucinogenics it's like i feel insane like i'm gonna die but i know it's just i don't know i like it i feel like for my mental health if you can choose to laugh or choose to be ashamed of yourself yeah and once i realized that you could choose that my life kind of changed and then i was like oh my god i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna realize honestly you're more interesting when you've done stupid shit like when you've overcome stuff that is why i think i like addicts because i'm like you've done some stupid shit yeah and you've come out okay and you've had to sit there and face it and then be like i'm still gonna try to be my best the next day yeah i lived can we go back to you getting hit by a car look i'm from new york city i'm not even like woo woo la no offense neither of us are from here so i was like do i enjoy a pet psychic for fun yes i like heroin too so towards the end of my senior year this is like when it's the big tournament where you get the accolades you get the awards like it's the big 10 championship and it's 7 a.m and i'm walking to practice it's like two degrees out i have a big parka on and i get hit by a car who didn't see me was it a white parka were you like no camouflage parkers were like you can't see you know either also i think deep down i was like fucking hit me please yes that's what i'm getting at it kind of seems like i was like what if i just also if i was any out wardrobe i could be in to get hit by a car be a parka also not to do a call back to your daughter but i had a backpack oh and when i was chucked and landed on my back saved my fucking life so shout out to nerds is that the brand of backpack oh that was the candy just being a nerd okay we wear back to reading shut up to books let's bring them back wait hold on so you had a backpack you're wearing a parka you definitely did this on purpose i got subconsciously my first words were tell my coach i'm gonna be late i was in such a cult and they were like you're going to hospital babe i had like a really bad muscle contusion because my calves are fucking very strong the car was like oh we didn't know but i was out for three months movement is a big part of my game like speed so i got back obviously not a hundred percent and i this is tennis terms but i lost five matches in third set tie breaks that like if i had been fully healthy i would have been in the hospital i would have been in the hospital i would have won all of them and it gets the point where i want to raise awareness for it's okay to quit i love that like it's okay to change your dream and i was one of those weird seven-year-olds that looked my dad in the eye and was like i want to win the u.s open yeah and he was like if that's what you want i'll make it my whole life we're gonna do that then we're gonna do it and it was everything to me i want to hang with dan but it's stressful when all these people are involved in your dream and then you're like i guess i'm not doing that anymore 20 years you just put in yeah yeah we're a lot moving on to comedy i've done so much work to be like do you still have any value now yes and like when you quit it was this moment where i was like so that was all a waste and then you don't quit and like become something great you go from being captain of the tennis team to being in new york seven years old well everyone else was developing all these other things everyone else was like well i was gonna be in marketing and that's why i have all these internships and you're just like sometimes my surf sucks and hannah i don't want to freak you out but we just had a guy who had a schizophrenic episode and tried to kill his father and that's stressful situation became because he was a career runner in college and quit that was the stressful event that triggered the schizophrenia yeah percent believe it but my dad and i we come from old school brooklyn his dad was a basketball coach in brooklyn so jerry burner imagine he was like those coaches they make movies about like you'd see a tall kid walking down the street and be like are you in school are you a power forward how's your hands you know reflexes and then he'd be like we're gonna get you to college you need to show up to college you need to show up to class and i'm gonna get you to college and we're gonna win a championship like jerry burner was iconic so my dad was just always coach mentality guys quickly what he did for i know he went to business school but he's a salesman so he's just like a charming sales guy who wishes he could play sports every weekend so that's what he does him any addiction me he was addicted to us like we'd wake up at 8 a.m on a saturday and he'd have a list of all the workouts we're doing and i was jacked up i was like dad how high do you want me to jump he definitely lived vicariously through me which was problematic but also he believed in me more than anyone but when i lost loss I felt so bad that dad wasn't proud of me it's the best daddy issue you can have you're like my dad thinks I'm the shit that's what I'm gonna say you're gonna have a fucking dad issue and if it was that your dad spent way too much time with you and focus too much on you I gotta pick that one we just talked about this on an episode about dads who are coaches oh it was with Leve whose mother is a symphony orchestra violinist was her teacher for a bit and it was like oh gosh that mix of it being your parent who's supposed to be unconditional which he clearly is you'd have dinner one night yeah after a loss and the tension is there you can't help it but then I would win a I just remember us jumping in the parking lot like we just won the Super Bowl and those moments are so special but then it became I wasn't playing for myself I wasn't playing just for fun and I think that's important any parents that are like raising their kids make sure they're choosing it every day I thought I loved it but I love it I loved him loving that I won it's complicated but also do you think you can go to the next level and still love it every professional athlete we've interviewed they all stop loving Andre Agassi's book was yeah not flowers and rainbows most of the tennis plays we had Roddick Roddick on I love him I played with him in a charity event this summer and the greatest moment of my life yeah he's a fucking stud he's hot but it's funny you get to make fun of him and his spiked hair and his visor only he could pull that off I know a visor with spiked hair that was his like look that was his look and every girl was like oh I've never been more attracted to this strange look he's also so nice but yeah tennis it is your longest relationship so that's why you have breakdowns because one day you just don't have it anymore and you're like so I can't think about it I can't play it who am I yeah but long story short when I started to discover comedy I did get scared that I was going to have performance anxiety again yeah I was like oh no I found another thing that I could disappoint people with that I have potential but I can be in my head about but I got dared to do like a live podcast because I started with podcasting in like 2018 it was my small mental health comedy pod and someone was like do 10 minutes of stand-up because I'd been writing a lot of tweets and I remember walking on stage at Caroline's well that was your first time was that Caroline I did it all wrong the first time I did it was the sold-out crowd at Caroline's 10 minutes terrible idea 10 minutes is also long for people but this is the thing I am crazy and I've served underhand against Duke and lost I'm like I can talk to a bunch of girls at Caroline yeah yeah yeah but I also was like I'm gonna go on stage and I think I'm gonna feel like how I feel before I serve and I had a lot of trauma still you also thought that when you filmed your Netflix stand-up special right which is like it's not ever filmed but now that it's filmed am I gonna forget my entire fucking hour and also your brain can say like because you've already done it you've already loves patterns yeah so I'm about to walk on and immediately a calm hits me and it's a calm that I'm like have goosebumps that other players would tell me about like they're like yeah you're nervous before but then you get on and then you calm down I never had that calm while you were playing tennis I always felt like it was judgment day and I was like what the fuck is wrong like on a stage I'm gonna cry but I was like oh this is where they wanted me to be and all the training from tennis and the discipline and the mental warfare and things that made me not good at tennis like thinking too much made me go to crowd work because I can't help but impulsively say what I'm thinking yeah stay tuned for more armchair expert if you dare we are supported by allstate checking allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance not checking your gas gauge before hitting the road you genuinely thought you could make it you were wrong that's a very long stretch of highway where you learned exactly how far fumes can take you and it's not far enough yeah checking first is an excellent plan so check allstate first for an auto quote it could save you hundreds and for fast reliable help when you need it add an allstate roadside plan today you're in good hands with allstate potential savings vary 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order at nordic.com and discover the power of omega-3 with nordic naturals the number one selling omega-3 brand in the u.s these statements have not been evaluated by the food and drug administration this product is not intended to diagnose treat cure or prevent any disease I had this creative side that I was always suppressing like I was goofy in school and I loved art and I suppressed it all by like nine years old to become a professional tennis player yeah did you have thriving friendships throughout I know you went to Florida for a couple years to train for tennis but were you missing out on a lot of sleepovers and all that stuff I definitely did but I also had no interest yeah you just weren't there it's not that you were missing out yeah I had friends I remember a coach giving me this whole speech about how this guy would have gone pro but he loved partying too much and I was like 12 and he's like all he does is party all he does is party and I'm such a like naive little girl I go how many birthday parties has he been invited to how many birthday parties does he go to I didn't realize that there was this other form of partying mind you for some reason guys who love partying like find me but I also loved having a purpose like I'd wake up and be like this weekend I have a tournament but it was torture did you have girlfriends on like the tour or the kids you saw a lot at meets women's tennis is hard because they're all your the second you get too close to one you're like oh this is gonna affect when we play or you are friends with them and then you play them and you're like I fucking hate you sure but can't you hate them for 45 minutes we're women that's not how it works but what's beautiful is now I'm actually reconnecting with a lot of tennis girls from juniors kind of like hey what's up yeah and we have this crazy trauma bond and I feel like we were in war together and we didn't know it yeah and we're all really getting along now which is beautiful and also if a girl was doing well I'd be like fuck my dad probably think she's doing better than me like wishes I she was his daughter so I'm like now you're fucking up me and my dad yeah now you're coming for my dad oh god I do want to say from the dad's perspective the line we're hovering it literally happened to me last night where my daughter's running for student council president you she's been reading me drafts of the speech asking for input I've been helpful helpful helpful giving notes then last night I found that line I don't know I might give some specifics of the things that you're going to change about the school as opposed to blank and then that just set off the whole thing and I was like oh my god I don't know you're asking this is good you're asking okay and then yeah you can just see well I know what you want and I have an opinion on how you could get it first of all I don't give a fuck when you're a student in fact I hope you're not student council president because I imagine I'll have to drive more things like I don't I want your hobby to be watching tv with me that's what I want her to be be a professional at. But yeah, and I'm like, you're trying to help as much as the person can receive the help. And it's going well, it's going as well. And then you do this thing and it's like scarring. And you're like, I don't know, I felt the same as the previous bit of help I gave. Wait, what was it you said to give a little more specifics? Yeah, it was like, I want to improve the school and I'll listen to you to improve the school. And my suggestion was like, I don't know, do you want to have a dance? Do you want to like, is there a certain thing? So she sent me the speech too. I'm obsessed. She knows she has resources and she's getting it. She sent it to me two days ago. It was email. So it wasn't face to face. So maybe that helped. And you're not her dad. But that's my whole point. I gave that exact note. You gave the same note. At least I feel convicted in the suggestion I made. And I saw her yesterday. She wasn't like mad at me. So clearly. We totally mended before that. Did you tell her to lie? Be like, politicians lie. Say you're getting ice cream every day. Exactly. You could say anything in the speech. There's going to be hot tubs in every classroom. I think someone did that in my school. They were like, we're getting ice cream. We're getting ice cream. Okay. Jacob Elordi is going to be the gym teacher. Timothy Shalem is going to be teaching. No, hers is so cute because she says, I can't promise. And then she makes such a massage chair. That's adorable. And then she's shitting on the other people running. She's like, did you hear? We totally mended last night. And I said, look, I think I probably was underestimating. This has got to be so stressful. You're going to like give a speech on Friday. You probably feel overwhelmed and you're probably stressed out. And I hit critical mass and I'm really sorry. This just played out as the exact difference between when a father gives a note and when a me. An auntie. Yeah. But overall, it's out of love that you care about her. Yeah. Like that's the overarching. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, maybe your dad really had tennis aspirations. No, he did. Oh, he did. He fully like, if he had the resources, he would have wanted to do it. And he like loved that he could provide it for me. We had this movie type moment at 16 where I was really struggling mentally. And he was like, we're going on the court. He's so dramatic for this too. But like. He goes, you're going to hit one ball and you're going to tell me if you want to keep playing. And whatever you say, I'm going to love you. Like that dramatic. I remember hitting it and being like, I'm going to keep going, daddy. And then it starts thunderstorming. And then you still want to keep going. I ended up playing for the boys team, which was pretty cool in my high school. In high school. Because they didn't have a girls team in Title IX. And I always have drama around me. So they ended up causing some drama. They were like, she shouldn't play on the boys team. Because it's unfair. The boys have boners. It's not productive. So distracting. And then I ended up granting my team a girls team that my dad ended up coaching. So that's the nice rip. That's awesome. So he got to ruin all their lives. That's literally his joke. He's like, why ruin one when you can ruin a lot of them. But he's always had an amazing sense of humor. He loves making fun of me. We're so mean to each other in the best way. We got to this point where I was like, he's always disappointed me because I never made it pro for my dad. But he's had this moment where he's like, you know, I admire about you. You. You get thrown down and you always get back up. And I was like, if that's all my parents want from me, I'm like, I could live like that. Yes. Just get back up. Yeah. You know what? You can't understand when you're a kid is I'm proud of you. Full stop. Because you're you. I'm enamored with you. I love you. If you become president, it'll be cool. I'm not going to be more in love with you. There's a base. I'm at 100% of adoring you. And none of your accomplishments are going to. Raise that. Nor any of your failures will lower that. True. Also, my dad would get annoyed at something I would do on the court. And then I'd watch him play and he'd do the exact same thing. And I'm like, and that's the problem. I'm you. You're mad at you, dad. Yeah. Genetics. And you're pissed at the genetics you gave me. And I also would say he could have been a comic, but he ended up not going that route. And I think I'm basically him with my mom's discipline. That's great. That's why now when people, you know, as a female comic, you say stuff on stage. And he'll have his friends be like, I saw that clip. My dad is so happy. He's like, I want my daughter to be happy. I've seen her through a lot of different phases of her life. So my parents could not be more supportive of me doing it. What's the little brother's story? Oh, he was like, fuck you, dad. I'm not playing this game. He's naturally as athletic as me, as performative. But when my dad would be like, let's run in the park, I'd be like, okay. My brother would be like, I'm playing World of Warcraft. I don't give a shit about you. Right. So he's iconic for that. And so he was. Tons of friends, sleepovers. Yes. Went to Wisconsin, but like was in a frat. Why did he also go to Wisconsin? He followed me. How much younger is he? We're like 22 months. So it's cute. He saw the stress inducing part of it for me. And he was like, I'm good. I was like, you don't need dad's approval. And he's like, no, watch me. And my dad would be like, do you want to do this? And he'd be like, no. And I'm like, oh my God, he's so cool. I wish I could do that. Do you think he followed you to protect you? Or be protected by you? She's like in mental distress. I feel like he looked up to me, but also he weirdly is more mature than me. So I think it was a combination of I'm proud of her for going there, but also let me keep an eye on her. Yeah, that's so sweet. I did want to ask about the transition from Brooklyn. Well, actually, let me go back. There's one other question I had before college, which is you were commuting to this school in Hell's Kitchen, yeah? Of course. From Brooklyn? Yes. So were you riding a train every morning? Yes. I'm enamored with this idea. So you were a little. I'll tell you all about it. Were you in ninth grade when this started? I was a junior when I came back from Florida. I found out this public school on the Upper West Side had this great boys team. What's it called? Beacon. Beacon. Oh my God. It was so artsy, too. We did project-based assessments. So instead of tests, we would present to the teacher things. Like it was very New York City progressive. Yeah, yeah. But they had amazing sports somehow. It was like the best tennis team in the city. And I literally had a meeting with the coach. I'm like, if you come into the school, we'll fucking win a championship. And he was like, you're in. I don't know if I can legally say that. But it happened. It was years later. So the best part about it is you walk to the train and there's a couple other kids who live in Park Slope where I was who go to school with you. So you end up every morning with like 15 kids and we all get in the train at the same time. And then you have 40 minutes to do homework or study. And also people are fucking scared of teenagers. Like we ran that subway. Like we're annoying. We're telling stories. And everyone's just going. We're trying to work together. And it's a beautiful thing. The subway is like magical to me. Yeah. I was wondering in those, I guess, two years of commuting. Did you see some shit? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Like some of the wilder things. I've seen some shit and I never even lived there. The coolest thing about the subway is you think about how we've all lived such crazy lives. And in this moment, we're just in this quiet place on the same car. Like, how did we all get here? And we're all from different backgrounds, from different religions, from different traumas. That's the egalitarian part of New York City. The train. I've had a guy puke on me. Puke? Oh. That's actually kind of common. Someone's hung over and it's 7 a.m. Oh, sure. You also, you all press together and it's just social. This is pre-COVID. Yeah. But you have to get on this train and there's really no room and you just fucking go. Squeeze your. You're in between pancakes. You can't breathe. You're just like, like fighting for air. Yeah. But that's just socially acceptable. I'd be very unconf if I was like a middle-aged businessman and a teenage girl got on and wedged herself. You get so used to it. There's also like, you can't take a bus. You can't take the whole pole. Put one, two fingers. You're not fucking lying on the pole. Also, if you see there's like an open area, there's a reason. There's a guy who pooped himself. There's a dead pigeon. Or a dead body. A dead body. The mistake people make in subways, they see an open car and they go, my lucky day. No. This is a good cautionary tale. Someone's doing witchcraft and you're about to have crazy stuff go down. Have you seen what happens in Tokyo on subways? I happen to write a script. Pushing? No. The shoulder sleeping. This is the apex of a collective society. They get on and you think you were packed in New York. You know, they're doing 4X in Tokyo. Oh yeah, they're better. And then once they're there, they just lean their head over on a stranger's shoulder and fucking half the people are just dead asleep standing up. That's incredible. It's beautiful. It's trusting. It's gorgeous. It's called really nice. I wish I could have that kind of piece ever. But nudity, were you seeing a lot of nudity? Because I've seen some pants down on New York subways. Definitely. One of my early first kisses. One of my first kisses was in Central Park. And then I looked and there was a guy jerking off. Oh wow. And that was crazy because I'd never seen even a boner before. Yeah, yeah. And were you like, oh my God, I'm so good at kissing. Like, this is where I'm meant to be. I should be an actor because like. Fuck, I should kiss more often. I'm such a New York City lover because I feel like it's easy to get in your head. But if you just walk outside, you see so many people who one, don't give a fuck about your stupid problems. And two, I think my grandpa once told me, like, you'll see people in their darkest times in New York. And he's like, they could have been an astronaut 10 years ago. Everyone's just at a time in their life. And New York doesn't stop for anyone. It's a beautiful reminder just how little we are in this world. New Yorkers do have each other's back. I think post 9-11 where you'll be in a subway and someone starts like choking or something. And someone's like, I'm a doctor. I got this. But then they don't want to say thank you. They just move on. They're like, I saved your life. He says, fuck you after he does the Heimlich. Fuck yourself. Never. You fucked up my shirt. You fucking next time pull my shirt up. I don't know this to say this, but I feel like most often people from small towns are desiring going to a bigger, flashier place. They go to New York. They go to L.A., wherever they go. And you went from, yeah, this childhood in New York to Madison. Were you like, what's happening here? It was a culture shock. Yeah, I bet. Because I didn't know what a Wisconsin was. Right. And my dad was like, they have a basketball team. And I was like, I don't know. I didn't know Midwest culture. And they're apex. I'm from Michigan, but they go harder. - It's different. there's no cow tipping in michigan well there is but there is a lot of rural you're like you don't know my culture wisconsin does have like amazing beer amazing cheese but like i'm like half italian and guys were like i've never seen someone so exotic yeah everyone's blonde everyone's norwegian or german i'm used to new york city where if you didn't wear something weird people were like you're a loser or like in wisconsin if you wear something different everyone's like you're weird yeah it's scary it was kind of scary and i remember feeling a little misunderstood i remember feeling like a little loud i didn't hit it off with the men that well they were all corn-fed huge beautiful men they would like talk about duck hunting and i was like well why do you have to kill the ducks what have they done to you i like that really and it wasn't like a culture shock where you're like cool interesting culture it was more i felt misunderstood well i could have just imagined also the reduction of stimuli that you're not even aware your nervous system has become completely accustomed to that subway ride you pluck someone out of the upper peninsula of michigan or wisconsin just drop them on the subway they're fucking nervous as well there's a lot that dude's got you know and it's the opposite for you right i almost feel like you would have been painfully bored or under stimulated maybe that's why i was so in my head all the time because there's nothing to think about i was interviewed by like the mizzou coach early on i was like tell me about your school and he was like i don't think you're gonna like it he was like this isn't a good fit and i don't want to put you through this and i was like i'm like well i want you to choose me but it was interesting some people really want a small town simple but madison wisconsin is an amazing town it's the capital and the school combined and it's truly spectacular but as a college athlete you don't experience it yeah did you go to any field parties sucks i don't know i never went to a field party okay i'm an uncultured swan yeah that's i just wish she had been have you ever been to a field party i don't think so you get it you know you go into a field and start drinking and he goes it's pretty crazy yeah i would say it's character building yes because again in new york you guys have all kinds of stuff to entertain yourself no one's got to be that creative but you just put 25 people in a field and tell them they have fun that you gotta be creative i heard people love sonic people in the suburbs will go to like a sonic parking lot yes everyone went to sonic you just hang out in the car with everyone there or waffle house huge huge hangout spot if you like to go to the parking lot you can go to the parking lot fighting there's like a joke online where people always like my parents thought i was studying but i was in a field about to die somewhere just running around where i think new york city i was too scared central park after 11 p.m you will get raped that was like a fact yeah i was like that was on you at that point yeah go to central park yeah you went to a barber shop and got a haircut what did you think was gonna happen so i think new yorkers like we never had any drunk driving issues because no one could drive yeah i think new york either you were doing meth or you were doing meth at 11 or you were scared and i was scared you were in that latter group yeah tell me about the gap between getting out of college and then summer house what happens in that phase that's one of my darker times but i love telling people in their 20s no one tells you that it is your darkest time 20s are tough well because older people they just are so envious they want to be 20s work yeah and you forget that you're losing your mind because you have no identity when you find out that that identity is not gonna work out you my 20s i was teaching tennis which was fun because i like new tennis but i also was like you fucking loser people are playing tournaments and you're teaching like a six-year-old you fucking loser not to name drop but i was teaching this very wealthy man in the hamptons oh a full grown adult man oh yeah i would teach from six years old to 96 i will take all your money and also everyone loves tennis yeah and some of these guys they just were lonely i was just strictly teaching tennis but like i was teaching them how to text sometimes you're actually like a therapist because tennis is so intimate where like you miss a ball and they're like why did i miss and you're like are you having trouble at home like you work stuff out and this guy was like okay we're having some people come over they're all these rich dudes he's like and chelsea i'm 21 years old by the way chelsea lately is like at its height okay i was gonna say are we talking clinton are we talking handler i actually really did think it was clinton yeah so i'm glad yeah you heard rich people i heard like man and then i and then chelsea and hamptons maybe that could have gone two different ways a little more a little more on drugs so she shows up and i read all her autobiographies i didn't know it yet but i loved comedy she walks on i'm fucking double faulting i'm so nervous we're playing doubles and it's one thing to meet someone who you admire but to spend two hours teaching tennis was as a 21 year old i remember at the end i was like do you have any advice for like a a girl getting growing up she literally looked at me and she was like i got lucky and like walked away oh my god i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry but she was so nice so funny and now i went to her show last night and we text i was like chelsea you know i taught you tennis when i was 21 she's like gun to my head i have no idea who you are never remember that but yeah tennis was cool where you you'd get to see different people's lives and these honestly rich people who were empty and just lonely and just paying people to be around them yeah i got to see this different level of money yeah you get all this money and you've had this huge fantasy and then you're like oh my god i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry why aren't i euphoric i'm supposed to be euphoric yeah and now i'm terrified because now i know there's no solution and i'm like this guy is so successful at his job but can't hit a backhand and he like hates himself so it was very fun but i was like i need to move away from this really quick there's the long-worn stereotype of like the dudes telling their buddy like you're letting your wife take tennis like this you're gonna fuck that dude right that's like a very well-worn troll yeah there's a hot brazilian guy that's fucking your wife yes where the wife's not like absolutely not 21 year old fucking tennis coach i think which is also why maybe i'm good at comedy i have a way to like bro myself down i'm not showing up with makeup tits out yeah i'm yelling at them i'm not like hey baby good to see you i'm like that's not what we practice yes i'm full like i'm come from a coaching background so i'm like there to make you better right and so like the wives were like good fucking yell at him he's so annoying yeah and i'm like yeah i'll drop it's just the energy you put out into the world all right good could i have made more money if i was a little flirtier maybe i don't know it's christmas bonus if i was a little nicer with the serve because i see some of these billionaires they do tennis lessons and everyone's afraid to like tell them what they're doing wrong and they don't get better yeah and i'm like someone tell this guy to bend his knees okay so you were coaching tennis in that gap and i'm like i have to get away from tennis i have to find who i am i started doing cold calling sales because my dad was like if you want to be successful in life do cold calling and i was like and if you could handle that you can handle anything did he also because my dad was a salesman he's a car salesman he said if you think there's any job in the world that's not sales you're crazy every single job is sales that's exactly what my dad said to me and he's like you have to sell yourself to sell everything yeah it's true because i've dealt with other artists out here who are writers i'm like at the end of the day dude you're walking into a studio and you better put on a fucking show early on i was like guys i don't know what i'm talking about but i will sell it like i don't know what this is i have my back i don't know what this is i don't believe it i don't have any knowledge of the product and i'm gonna move this unit marcello also did sales yes yes because it's an x factor the salesman it's a hard gig well it's just like stan up you're gonna get rejected fucking non-stop and you just gotta be able to go yeah whatever so i actually i joined the sales team and it was a bunch of guys and me but again i'm used to it i used to train with a lot of guys it really feels like i've always been in this male-dominated space that i'm like okay i'm here now and i would just like kind of giggle on the and silly and i remember one guy being like all you do is giggle on the phone which is so funny because now that's my career exactly but i had like a lightness and silliness about it and i started doing really well i was making good money at like 23 nice but i started to feel like i was just taking from people my day was just you were something i needed something from yes and i'm a creative that went against my core where like i'm a people pleaser i'm a artist i want to give i started hating it i would like hide in the bathroom i'd hang out with the social media team and be like what do you guys have to do today can i ask what you were selling i was selling marketing for small businesses i know why you felt a little dirty because you're like i don't know if this marketing is going to help your business and there's no way to actually find out also i'm not selling yeah like these big businesses this like guy with the pizzeria yeah and i mean it wasn't an expensive product listen i did the same thing i worked for my dad yeah i had a lot of different sales jobs for my dad so i was just like i don't know if anyone's getting anything they paid for well yeah because then you sell it and then the are you guys doing what i sold but it was such a good experience but i said i want to do marketing i started doing marketing for a t-shirt company and you have a communications degree communications degree and at the end of my communications degree i had a little internship at wisconsin where i did some sports broadcasting okay because deep down i actually thought i was going to be a sports broadcaster i know sports yeah i can turn it on welcome to espn i'm hannah burner like i was like oh my god yeah yeah and i had some like funny interviews that did well you have to move to a small town to be a sports broadcaster and i was like i'm fucking done with this i want to be in new york city i actually told my mom this is crazy but i was like what if i interviewed people on the subway i thought of that like 22 wow so like your body knows what you want to do yeah but then i was like stupid idea so fast forward i'm in vegas selling t-shirts at like 25 and i see an old video pop up on youtube of me interviewing a wisconsin basketball player and i just thought fucking i want to be on Which is, again, embarrassing. Yeah, yeah. Saying you want to be on camera. True. It's vulnerable. That's so brutal. Yeah, yeah. Especially as a woman to be like, I should be seen. Yeah, yeah. And you guys should look at me. Yeah. Preferably all day long. All day long. So I decide at 25, I start telling people, like, I want to be on camera. I didn't know what it was. Maybe sports. I didn't know. Always loved stand-up, but I did not think I'd be stand-up. And this company, Betches, is hiring for a video producer. And I knew how to edit from Wisconsin. Who knew a communication arts degree'd get you? Wow. What are we using? Premiere Pro. Premiere Pro, great. Which is how they launched my entire career. So I'm editing for them. They finally are like, can you make a sketch? And I got this, like, wedding videographer to film it. It was called When Bae FaceTimes You. Bae was really in at the time. Yeah, that means your boyfriend? Yeah. Or girlfriend? Or, like, someone you're into. Okay. B-A-E? Yes. Okay. Okay. You're so in. You know what the kids are doing. I know everything. Do you want to see me dance? Oh, my God. B-A-E. Monica's literally like, find a happy place. He needed to ask for spelling. Oh, boy. Okay. Well, maybe there's a 70-year-old dude listening, and he was adrift. And I just told him how it works. Thank you. Yeah. Okay, sorry. So I have headphones on, and I go, oh, I need my headphones because I'm in my pajamas. And then it shows me put, like, a full face of makeup on and a ring light. And then I go, found my headphones. Like, let's talk. It was just, like, Hula video. It goes viral, and they're like, can you do this three times a week? And I felt the drug again. I say yes to everything. Three a week. Oh, you want six a week? I'm like, I want six a week. I was like, where the fuck are you going? And I was, like, working on the weekends. I found my passion again. I was like, my whole life, I could just make funny videos. Like, this is fucking sick. And I start casting New York City comics to be in the videos. So I start surrounding myself with cool comedians. They give you a little budget. No, no, no. Okay. We got a tag here and there, a little 50 bucks here. Okay. But I was like. Seeing these people's lives, I'm like, so you do podcasts during the day, you're auditioning, and you do stand-up at night, and that's your life? And I was like, that's fucking kind of cool. Yeah. And then I get a call to be on a reality TV show. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare. We are supported by HP. My mental to-do list is already full. Fix something around the house. Refill prescriptions. Remember to text someone back. Keep track of a million little life things. The last thing I want on that list is, oh, don't forget printer ink. No, it's horrible. It's the bane of everyone's existence. What if you could just take that off your list for years? The dream. 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And in New York, Pacific Life and Annuity, Phoenix, Arizona. So they found you? I got a DM from a producer. Wow. And they were like, we're looking for New York City kids in their 20s. I can't imagine at that time you had seen season one or two of Summer. I hadn't watched it. Right, right. And it's about kids who work. I think he was saying kids, because I'm so old now. People in their 20s. Humans. Who work. Human beings. Who work during the week and then they party in the Hamptons on the weekends. Now, I grew up in New York City and I'd go to Shelter Island and play tennis and do old man stuff. But I was like, I know this lifestyle. And I'm like, can I promote my podcast? And they were like, yes, we'd love that. So I think I've like hit the jackpot. Also, I do the Zoom and I'm like, I don't think I'm a reality TV person when you see me. I don't know what they saw me. Maybe that I'm loose lips. I was like, I'm a people pleaser. But I like being funny. I think they love that I was a sporty girl. Right. They like to cast you. Yeah, they need an archetype. I was like the truth teller sporty girl who was like relatable. I wasn't too hot, but I wasn't like too drunk. Like I kind of had my role. But what did the audition or Zoom, do they like show you pictures of people and then you comment on them? It's actually really funny. They're like, so do you think so-and-so's life is headed in the right direction? Oh, wow. They want you to make some judgments. And I remember not knowing anything about the people, but like trying to have a hot take. Yeah, sure, sure. Which is honestly me with podcasting. I'm like, if I don't care about it, I'll still have a hot take. I haven't seen it, haven't read anything about it, and I've got a fully fleshed out. And I will fight this out with you right now. But also, again, I like a challenge. I also was still feeling a little lost. I remember telling my mom about it. It's also a paycheck. I wasn't making money at the time. And my mom was like, I'm a little nervous, but you've done a lot of hard things, even at your young age. See what happens. She's like, you're a nice human. Like, you're not going to get into fights with people. You're not going to cry. You're not. You're not a crier. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you do all those things? So honestly, reality TV was the most fucked up, beautiful experience I've ever had. I'm so curious. What are the pros and the cons or the highs and the lows? The highs were that if you get a good edit, people think you're the greatest human in the world. Like, you just are the greatest. You are the funniest. You've never made a mistake. Everything you say is right. You're playing a character for a storyline that they choose to say. And honestly, I had two. I had two really good seasons where I met friends for life. You met Paige, right? I met Paige. But then we had our COVID season where we were locked in a house. This seems bonkers. This is like child abuse. Well, everyone went crazy. Not when we signed up for it. Everyone went crazy in their homes without a camera crew there. Honestly, like the later seasons is when like egos get involved and like, you know each other too much. Like you're too comfortable with each other. Also, people have popped. Other people haven't. There's a whole lot of shit on the table. Everyone's counting. Everyone's followers. And it's not based on like you had a good standup. It's based on did you get a nice storyline that people related to. Let me ask one quick question on that, because often you're on set as an actor and the actor goes, my character wouldn't do this. And like they're fighting for the death of that. And that's not even them. So like if you get assigned a storyline that's like so different from who you are. I'm going to blow your mind. OK. You don't know what the storyline is. I was about to say. I was about to say. So this is my advice for people on reality TV. If the producers are coming to you being like, OK, I want to ask these questions. Do this. You're in a good place. If no one talks to you before the scene, you are the storyline. So you come in thinking you don't know what's going on and you can't tell if people are going to be like, they're bullying me or I should be yelled at right now. Like, yeah, reality TV is made in the edit. The people do not know what's going on when they're in it. And when they say edit, it is a lot of the confessionals tell the story. So I like to say, think of someone who doesn't like you, how they would tell a story. And then think of someone who does like you and how they tell a story. They decide who's going to tell the story. Right. Or you might be telling the story. People have a lot of different experiences. And some seasons I felt like were really real. And then some I feel like they have enough to work with. Then, like, sometimes they protect people. They don't protect other people. I feel like I learned so much from it. It humbled me. It made me realize how not in control you are. Obviously, I want to be liked. I'm in this industry. It made me realize not everyone likes you. And to have to sit with people not liking you. liking you for like something in the back of your head said that was things that I had to fucking face my demons and it also led me to stand-up comedy because i was getting upset and i would be at the club at night and i'm with all these comics and i'm like not a good episode not a good episode and they were like making fun of me and they were like if i was on the show i would do this this they right-sized it for you yeah it was so funny and it kept me sane and then when i was on stage i wasn't on my phone and people were authentically reacting to me in the flesh i hate saying that it's a gross thing to say but just me being me that you didn't like me for me and also comedy so honest and i realized if i want to find myself this is where i'm going to do it and then i got fired really quick how old were you 30 you better believe at 30 all i would have done is write about myself it'd be impossible not to i loved your nikki glazer episode because you guys were so good at it and i was like oh my god i'm so good at it and i was like oh my god you're so good at it and i was like oh my god i'm so good at it and i was like oh my god really hit on this and i was like i'm relating to this too much but i have to give credit to my old husband my old beautiful tired husband he's still here not for long but he had this whole career before me and he had mentioned like sometimes when he was his most liked he felt like he was his most hated because he didn't have anyone telling him like oh that's not actually what's going on and when you're performing live you have to walk on and feel love you can't be in your head like these people are fucking coming for me yeah yeah so he early on had like a strict rule in our household and he actually was tough with it he's like if you see something you get upset that's your problem yeah it's on you like he was tough with me which you know i like but he saved my life i wouldn't be here and that's like dramatic but it's true would have done much more cocaine i would have been loving cocaine but he was like what's like a car crash like you want to watch it but you don't have to watch it you're also you're watching a car crash that you're in yeah it's my car yeah yeah like it's gonna be extra traumatic because the car crash you're observing is you going through the windshield my biggest advice for like artists and creators is once the comments start affecting your creativity they win so at that point i wasn't trying to be a reality tv star i was trying to be a stand-up comedian so i was like but if you're not likable people don't trust you with a joke so it started to get to the point where it's ups and downs in reality tv and i was like this is chaos i had gotten fired from it and a talk show that was like the end what you got fired from a talk show well at the end of my summer house bravo days i had got a talk show okay okay i was like okay like i have other skills that i could and people were kind of seeing it but my time ended on the show what happened it was a matter of you need everyone to be friends not everyone was getting along it was a choice i was going to be the one what kibosh they also can page no page is perfect we're like we love page so did she go further seasons than you page lasted really long okay on the show yeah yeah i was the bad girl i just say getting fired star power true star power if you're listening you're too influential that takes like it's thin lines we love and hate like getting fired they were like you're too much for reality tv i was like i can't but you are a people pleaser so that must have hurt that's why like when producers are like ask this question i was like listening which ultimately was not great for me but again i learned so much from it and i was sitting in a car in missouri headed to a stand-up club and i get a call you're fired from summer house you're fired from chat room and i remember thinking now i need to get a netflix special i got such a chip on my shoulder because you have to be crazy to stand up every night you have to have some kind of addict mentality and i remember thinking i love when people put me down or like cut me out or i feel like no one wants me and to come back stronger i just love that i love the rising of the phoenix i love the underdog yes also no one in reality tv gets a netflix special so i was like let's fucking go i joke like did you need revenge did you need to be so sicilian about it but it's powerful i never put any of my energy towards hurting anyone i literally was like and now we're moving on and we're putting all that anger into like when you don't want to get up to go to the club you're fucking getting in that uber and going there or these people were right in may one and my brother always was like you're gonna lose battles but you're not gonna lose the war which is like so intense and so my sports family yeah yeah that's so great but i just want people to know things are gonna happen to you regardless like shitty things happen to you every day it's how you react to it and if you can laugh at yourself and not to be all like um inspirational sincere was that the word you were looking for i've never used this word before not to be honest about how i feel but everything that's made me interesting is like me fucking up yeah that's all yeah yeah yeah yeah you start the giggle squad am i saying it right i knew i was missing it's literally close enough we're gonna blame my dyslexia yeah he is dyslexic 2020 yes you guys start this we were doing instagram lives do you remember no we didn't no no good for you but you were doing an hour a night for like three months is that what yeah that was crazy we also were on reality tv and they'd never show the funny parts they like to laugh at you the guy would be filming us in the bathroom and we'd be like riffing riffing riffing and he would just turn and walk out and i was like that was gold i see you hate emmys i was like really working on your trying to make the videographer laugh they're like this doesn't have to do with the current storyline so you guys are wasting my time we were facetiming and i was like let's just go live and we did every day and it started to become kind of cultish it was like 5 000 10 000 people and then we had to film our last season so we stopped doing it and after the season ended page never thought she'd podcast because she has a face for television she's never thought that was her direction and i was like page like podcasting like i've been doing it we gotta get into it and our like therapy being able to be ourselves in your year six we're in year six now it's huge it was a slow slow growth because also we don't have guests so there wouldn't be like a viral episode the guest is stressful and also i'll be honest sometimes they walk in the energy's off right you're pulling teeth there are positives but having just our formula and just riffing with your best friend every day has been i know it's so much fun well we do the fact check which is sort of the version of that which is so much easier because when you have chemistry you have chemistry yeah i'm always looking forward to the fact check there's many guys when i'm like oh let's see if i can get a person who hates being interviewed to enjoy this i mean the celebrities at least that we interview like they don't want i get it they gotta promote a movie and they're friends with you guys so this is their like warmest in some cases yeah yeah it's true and then those are the trickiest ones too i don't know am i allowed to bring up the fact that you fucked a bull in high school you know like yeah i know so much and i don't know what they're comfortable that's somehow harder who fucked a bull i actually don't know anyone that's fucked a bull but let's say i did do you do two episodes a week we moved to two episodes a week which has been fucking fun because we have it in us let me ask you a very gross question i know that you're making a lot of money now because i know the size theater yeah it's fucking awesome and i know how many stand-up dates you're doing and so you've got some fucking casual love are you enjoying it have you done anything stupid with it did you buy a fancy apartment like what's happening what's happening with all this money oh my god i'm cheap is it at all stressful in your marriage that you're making more money oh he loves it he loves it good for him that's you got a mature man he calls me his pension pussy he's he's lived his own life he's very successful in his own right but he jokes when we started dating was my last season of my reality show when it was a hard time he's like i came in when you had no job so no one's calling me a gold digger yeah exactly and also i would say during the honeymoon phase was a really hard time for me people weren't liking me that much and i had that like moment you're like just a little tiny stutter so people weren't um how do you feel like i'm waiting to hear like getting me and she's like liking me people were passing no people were like die oh no you meet a new guy and i come in and i'm like oh my god i'm like oh my god i'm like from the mindset of when i'm successful people like me more so i'm sitting there with a new man and at one point i was like i don't have a job definitely not popular why the fuck would you choose me yeah yeah and he level-headedly was like you should talk some about that because that's you yeah oh my god he sounds so great i haven't dated these smart guys before they're annoying because they can win an argument watch out for that like he's i'm like how did you know that word because he's done a lot of stuff and i'm like oh my god i'm like oh my god i'm like oh my god i'm like oh in his life he's wise like when i ask him a question before this pot i called him i was like any words of wisdom oh that's lovely and he's the one who's like shut up sometimes this is my mistakes that i've made don't make them again so he's a huge part of me also having the confidence to like put myself out there this would be the worst is if you guys are in a fight and then all of a sudden he just ripped out like a proverb in mandarin he does all the time he does he's irish so he he says things like over the cuckoo nest i don't know he says weird yeah three - He leaps in a barnyard, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, he's like jump over the rover neck of the boat Like, I don't, I don't know what that means, but it's like hot. Cause I'm like, he knows things. Yeah. He fucking knows things. I don't know what you're saying, but I'm not mad at you anymore. Cause that was cute. Irish people love a proverb. I like proverbs. They're good. I think, yeah, I don't need to go into that. You're like, not, we're going to skip that. I think oppressed people come up with a lot of rad shit. I think that's why in Sinners, we got to see the Irish jig paired with all the black music. It was like, oh yeah, look what comes out of fucking darkness. Yeah. But I'm similar to you. Like we are in the same industry, but I think cause we're in different times of our careers, it's been really helpful. Cause he's like, oh, thank God I don't have to do that again. Yeah. So other guys might be like, why is she getting that? And not me where he's like, I've done that. I've been that. Don't do this. Cause I did that. So he's insightful. There are times where I'm 34 and the Hulu special is about to come out. I want to do press. And he's like, you don't have to do that one. And I'm like, but why? He sees the big picture. Yeah. Yeah. He sees the marathon. But he's tough with me. Like, okay. Call me out. He's like, is that ego? We're honest with each other. Is he an AA? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We pick up a lot of bullshit in there, don't we? But then you know some guys you're like, go to therapy. And he's like, I've done years of therapy. And I'm like, I am a therapist. I sponsor 70 guys. I've taught guys off the roofs. And he was in Ireland where he was doing like NA. He like knows all the like guys who were in NA in Ireland. And like, he's seen some shit. Those are the gnarliest. But he's like, I'm a therapist. But that's why also I was like, this guy could handle me. Yeah. He's war-torn. Okay. So you weren't using your money to buy anything cute. That's what we're learning. Oh, God. You bought something cute because you look ashamed of yourself. I am. This is a very expensive windbreaker. But it's my friend, Paige, who lent it to me because she knows how to be rich. I bet I asked her these questions. She knows shit. But like being rich is hard. I mean, actually cancel that. Cut that out. Cut that shit out. I'm leaving it. Cut it out. Don't make it the title. No, but being rich is like a whole situation. It's a world. Well, now you have something to lose. You also go like, oh, shit, I have money. You're supposed to figure out how to make money with your money. You just have this whole new list of things you think you're doing wrong. Yeah. People start talking about landscaping and you've never thought about a flower in your life. It's crazy. But I do think not to be all woo-woo, but I never came into it for money. I'm like an athlete where I'm like, I want respect. Yes. I want people to love me. Look up to me. I want to inspire little girls. I want a statue in front of a tennis arena. I'm literally like, I want my name on this bench. So then when I started doing better financially, my whole family thinks it's hilarious. My brother's like in finance and he's like, what are you up to? And I'm like, I don't know, dude, I'm just having fun. Yeah, it's working. It's so crazy that you could be creative and just like be yourself. Well, look, I did want money. I wanted money so fucking bad. And as an actor, I was impossible to deal with. And as a director. And right. I just please give me all the money. And then this. Yeah, I didn't think you could make money at it. So that is the irony of it all. Which is kind of beautiful, because I think if you're just out there for money, the universe doesn't respond to that. And even if it can work for a minute, it has a shorter life. I've seen people succeed with the cash grab in this space. It just loses its momentum because once you have the money. Now, what do we do it for? But then there's so many people where you're like, how much money do you need? But like people launching the craziest businesses. But I think it's like they need to feel alive, too. They're not dead after getting rich. Yeah. Again, it's funny. I'm sure there's two or many categories of people, but there's like some people that are right. They just always want to be entrepreneurs. And that's great. Yeah. There's a whole other group that I'm sympathetic to, which is like you're aware of the fact you have this opportunity. And you see other people have taken that opportunity. They've turned it into things. It's just weird guilt. Am I supposed to be doing this or I should be doing this? So I think a lot of people get into things. Out of that weird motivation, especially social media, where people are like, I made a hundred grand yesterday. This website. And people are like, if that guy could do it and he lives at home with his mom, like I could do it. But a lot of it is so no one really does. Yeah. Don't get me into life coaches. Even like I was watching that Manosphere documentary and I was like, guys, none of these guys have any money. Everything's rented. Do you not fucking everything? They do not own a Lamborghini. Those are not their girlfriends. But they know how to sell something. And they do. They sure do. Do you want to use your sales power in the right or the wrong way? Exactly. Yep. Yep. Okay. So I want to applaud you for We Ride at Dawn because you got your Netflix special. Thank you. Yeah. And it was hugely popular. Thank you. Yeah. That's fucking awesome. What did that moment feel like? You're like, I did it. It was cool because I got a call and they were like, Netflix wants to do a special with you. And I was like, I did it. I did it. I tell my husband, Netflix wants to do a special with me. He looks at me and he goes. No, you're touring for eight more months. This is your first special. Everyone's going to watch it. I don't care if they think you're ready. You're not. Nice. And I was like, obsessed with my Scorpio King. But like, thank God. Because in my head, I'm like, they think I'm ready. I love my jokes. Let's go. They'll never call again. That's the other thing. If I don't take this now, they'll never call again. Especially sometimes in comedy, like you're a little hot and you start getting too many opportunities that you're not prepared for. And I was green. I really was very early in standup. But in standup, I was doing an hour very early on. So I had a lot of stage time because I was selling tickets. But they always say, you could sell tickets the first round, but they're not coming back if it's not good. But I'm telling you, like, I felt like a surfer that found the right wave. This is moving in the right direction. Like, I'm not getting yips. This is what tennis should have felt like. Then I shot the special. But I did have a mental break before the special. I was doing tapping. Oh, you know, it's dark when someone's like, have you tried tapping? What is tapping? Tell me about tapping. You haven't tapped? No, should I tap? Oh, I'm showing my age. What is tapping? It's like an OCD kind of, right? You say something that's making you uncomfortable, but then you tap to, like, relax the nervous system. Or like put yourself back in your body? I actually have no idea. I was in a dark place where, like, I would have shoved something at my asshole if they were like, take this ice, Charlie Sheen it, and go on stage. Chuck Sheen this cue buzz. It's like an anxiety thing. Yeah. Basically, before the special. I started getting those thoughts where I was like, what's the worst thing that can happen? What if I can't form sentences? And then I kind of got obsessed with, like, how did I ever form a sentence? What is a sentence? You can overthink how to walk. Well, and Babers, a.k.a. Polar, when you were on her show, she was saying very astutely, comedy is best when the person's relaxed. That's kind of the magic trick. And so is sports. You have to hold the racket lightly to play. Like when you're punching someone. You hold the steering wheel very light. You lose control. You go too tight. Yeah. So how did you overcome that and end up fucking winning the match against Netflix? So two weeks beforehand, I remember starting, like, crying to my mom because she's like, this bitch is calling again. And I was like, I'm fucking terrified. And I remember my husband going, you should be. It's scary. It's a big deal. It's scary. It's scary. It's nerve wracking. You have a lot of pressure. People want you to fail. You can be human. He's like, I freak out before specials, too. You're human. I got a beta blocker subscription. Oh, nice. Which saved my fucking life. And I listened to, like, pumped up music. I'm familiar with that side of myself that's like, you've gone crazy. You've got to beat the deep end. I do think with stand up, what I like more than tennis is it's really hard to get in your head when you're talking. There's no room. Where tennis, it's fucking. That's so loud. Yeah. Watching this asshole dribble and do their OCD tics. Nadal's like, everyone's tweaking, stimming. And with this, I think what happened is the shows before, I was really really nervous. And on stage, I was like, pretend you're shooting the special. Pretend you're shooting the special. I was being really overly hard on myself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So leading up to it was a nightmare. And then the day of, I took the beta blocker. I was meditating with my mom before I went. I was literally like, and I walked on stage and I was calm. You were like, oh, I know how to do this. And then I walked off and everyone was like, you did it. And then I was like, so the second time around of shooting my special, I didn't have the same. Oh, lovely. It was almost like exposure therapy. But it is so funny how. In your most vulnerable moments, your demons come back. Of course, they're not gone for good. The shadow is doing push ups in the background at all times. The shadow's like, oh, we're up. Also, not to sound like an old basketball coach from Brooklyn, but I love the quote that even when it's raining, the hoop is always there. So it's the idea that, like, even when it looks like there's no opportunity and it's dark, like it's there, you just can't see it. Yeah, I like that. So I try to tell myself that. Very encouraging for it to come out and be number two right out of the gates. That was insane. Yeah, let you know you're on the right path. Oh, I just have to say one thing I did see, which I absolutely loved, to watch someone act out my nightmare. Because even when we would do live shows, 25 times in my head, I'd be like, we're in Minnesota backstage. We're in Minnesota. But Hannah had the moment where she was in Buffalo, New York, and she came out on stage and she was like, what's up, Boston? Oh, my Lord. This searing delight I got in my fucking core watching that. I was like, oh, she did it. Okay, so I had that moment where, like, I have two ways I could go about this. Like, a gaslight them, make them think that I didn't say that, and just keep going. They misheard. They made it up. Did she say Boston? No, she must have said Buffalo. She wouldn't have said Boston. But I'm like, my head was, like, hot, like, you know. Oh, my God, yes. And then I was like, or I address it. But then these places, Buffalo, Boston, you don't. No, that's bad. That's a war zone. You want to do that in Minnesota. Yeah. Well, that's okay, you know. Yeah, they're like, oh, yeah, we love you. We love beer. - Easy mistake, not really, but okay. this place, I started dying laughing. The thing is the girls who listen to my pod and go to my comedy shows and the guys, they're so funny. We have this funny relationship where they make fun of me. So after the show, everyone's like, love your show in Boston. They're just like leaning into it. And then it kind of became a shtick. I wish you got really known for it. So every time you did it, you could do a more abstract, funny one. And people will be looking forward to where you're going to say like, I mean, what's up Nairobi, you know, whatever it is. So my opener is now, cause I kind of black out when I'm on the God mic. Like when you're on stage, you're good, but God mic, you're kind of not focused. And they're always like Nebraska. And this is the day. And they have to kind of tell you that, but it's happened to me multiple times. And I'm here to tell this tale. Wow. You survived. Wait, so did you say like, sorry, or were you like, I did it on purpose. She went straight into like celebrating the Buffalo Bills. Yeah. I go, go Bills. I'm shocked you didn't get the team wrong, by the way. Oh my God. Actually in Texas once, Texas has so many fucking teams. And I, I accidentally said, like Texans instead of UT the wrong place. Oh boy. I thought I was going to get stoned. Yeah. And I was like, we were good for like 30 minutes and this is where they turn, but that's the high of standup. Yeah. Okay. So none of my business Hulu June 5th premieres. You shot it in Toronto. Yes. This feels like an interesting choice. Explain it to me. I had done a lot of shows in New York. My three like places I love filming is New York, Boston, Philly. People are loud. They're aggressive. They love chanting. They're smart. Yeah. They've had a long week. They're the star of the show. Even if they're in the audience is what you're scary. I'm scared. They hold me hostage at the show and they're just, their energy's like amazing. And also it's convenient since I'm in New York, Toronto, weirdly, I have this incredible following and I know people shoot stuff there. And I had done New York earlier in the tour. So I can't do New York. So Toronto just came naturally. My mom's like, why did you pick Toronto in February? Can we do Miami? Sure. But I really liked this one theater. Which one? La Bluma Appel theater. It's like 900 seater. It feels really intimate. Even though it's a lot of people, it feels close. When you first do standup, no one tells you when you get a special, they go, where do you want to shoot it? And you're like, where do people shoot it? And they're like, wherever you want. And I'm like, I haven't been like, I don't know where I am right now. Yeah. I thought I was in Boston last week. The second time around, I was like writing down theaters. I liked. And some of them have really good vibes too. Yeah. You really do need a good vibe in the filming, even though it doesn't always come across in the film as great of a show. Sometimes like you can't tell if the audience was really good or really bad. And also standups, you don't really tell each other the spots. Standups are a little gatekeepy sometimes. Like they're not like, this is my director. Like we're kind of like entrepreneurial where it's like, you can ask, but that's their business. Yeah. So I did La Bluma Appel, two shows. None of my business. One of my favorite, I got that saying from the program. I don't know if you heard your husband ever say that, but like what other people think he's done your business. At least I learned that there. Is that where it all stems from? I think it stemmed from that, but then it became kind of trendy people being like things that are none of my business. And I have a joke that looking in the mirror is none of my business. Like I don't look in the mirror a lot. I don't fuck with the mirror. Yeah. Yeah. What do you say you go like, you don't want to look in the first thing. Oh yeah. I have information you don't need about you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'd say over the course of my life, the amount of times I looked in the mirror and was pumped is like, it's certainly under 1%. I've never like, let's do this, man. I always say I am delusional. Like I think I know what I look like and it's the best photo I've ever taken. And when you walk into a room like that, even if you have a fucking stuff in your teeth, it helps. Oh, confidence, everything. Oh, it's everything. I got to say that your hair looked fucking gorgeous in that special. How many hours went into that? That was fake. It was okay. That helps. But also you kind of come in with extensions and like this guy was going in. And at one point I was like, there's a dead animal on my head. It's getting heavy. It was heavy. And also when you're a comic, you're yourself, right? And I'm used to going on stage, you know, I'm in some city and I'm tired and I did makeup like five minutes before. So when I walked on, I was like, who am I right now? And I was saying bits about like being part-time hot and stuff. And people like, weren't laughing at much. And I was like, oh, cause I look like a different person. I did four hours of makeup and people don't talk about how it's a different presentation. Yeah. When you look very great about this. Yes. She's like, you can catch me on one day and I look like this. And then her joke was another day. I'm Dax. She said, sometimes I'm Kristen Bell. Yeah. That was in one of her specials. She goes, sometimes I'm looking, I'm like, this is working. I'm hot. And you might go to bed with Kristen Bell, but you're going to wake up with Dax. You don't remember that was in the first interview. And she's like, I hope you got there. And I'm like, I did. You look like a strong. It's a good joke. Go to bed as Kristen Bell and wake up as Dax. So funny. So how do you decide what we're going to tackle next? Is it like writing songs? You're just like hoping things hit you. I do have to say, all I cared about was getting that first Netflix special. And then when I finished it, I was like, they need another. That's crazy. It took me six years. Like you need another. And what's tough about standup as opposed to like musicians that could play a great song all the time is it feels like winning the Superbowl doing your Netflix special. And then you go back to the club and it feels like you have to learn how to play football again. You can't start all over your classics. It's burned. Like it's like a standup rule. So I'm literally going on stage like kinkles before. Sorry. Like what is funny? But it helped me grow as a comic to realize like I wasn't just funny because I had these tested and true jokes from the first special. I was funny because I was being myself and let's now grow in how I express myself. Yeah. You have a lot of physicality and there's a lot of just you being fucking goofy as hell. Thank you. I think I'm goofier in this special, this one. I think it's a little more confidence maybe. It's infectious. I feel childlike when I'm on stage. Cause no one could tell me to like stop. I'm like, ah, I got the microphone. I could do whatever I want. Now, are you more nervous? Cause you do some crowd work in this as well. Are you more nervous to do crowd work when it's being filmed versus live? I feel like the stakes are higher. So this time around, I actually did a lot less crowd work on tour. Like I was like, I'm getting my hour, but some people would come to see the crowd work. So I have my moments. I do it for this. What I did was I do my material and then I kind of just went off for like 20 minutes at the end doing crowd work. So I'm like in the 30 minutes, I will get a couple of beats. So, but I also was like, even if I have no crowd work, I know I have the special I'm proud of. So the crowd work to me was just kind of a cherry on top. But it is like a new thing that it's like, put it in if it's good and you're special. I did keep, some girl messaged me saying there's a bachelorette party here tonight, which I'm like, fuck, that's not what I need for my special. So I'm like, I'm gonna address it in the beginning. So I'm like, Hey, who has a bachelorette tonight? No one says anything. And I'm just like, uh, like so awkward. I'm like, you guys are leaving me for dead. And finally someone's like, Ooh, and I'm like, you Canadian ass polite, quiet bachelorette. Fuck you guys for embarrassing me. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry. You're celebrating. And I'm like, well, tonight's about me. So shut the fuck up, Alexa. But I have a crowd work at the end. That's something I always do. So I ask guys, have they ever thought about what sex feels like for a woman? Yeah. This was stressful when I was watching it. Cause I'm like, what would I say? It's an abstract question. It is such a fucked up question. Yeah. So say it again. You asked dudes. Have you ever thought about what sex feels like for a woman? So they know immediately there's a right and wrong answer and they overthink it a lot. What would you say? I think I would say filled. Yeah. Oh, so then you're saying, so you're saying how does sex feel? Oh yeah. Well, the first one is just, have you ever thought about it? Oh God. Yeah. Tons. A ton of men are just like, no. One guy said stabbing and I was like, we got to stop. Everyone's upset. We got to go home. But yeah, guys give the funniest answers. When I say what adjective, and I explain adjective is a describing word, would you use for how it feels like? And they go white. Do you think they're afraid to answer? They don't want to say it wrong. I'm a crowd of 90 plus percent women. And it's all like hot girls. Like my crowd is just like hot, successful girls. Like boo! And the guy doesn't want to get stoned. This guy says warm. A guy said warm, which is my favorite answer. It's sweet. Because it makes no fucking sense. No, no, no. Unless he microwaved his cock before he fuzzies. I'm warm. You feel warm when you're in me. Yes. I've never been cold and been like, if only it had a dick in me, I'd be warm. Yeah. Maybe he meant like warm fuzzies. No, he didn't. No, he meant temperature. He panicked. Maybe his dick runs hot. Nope. Well, get that checked. We don't know. Get that checked. But all these boyfriends are coming to the show, which creates this great tension because they want to be made fun of. Like they'll sit in the front. Someone will DM me like, hey, my boyfriend's sitting next to me. His name's this. Like go in on him. Yeah, go hard. And the guys like it. But with that tension, I love trying to like make us understand each other. You've already filtered out a lot of dudes. No single guys are coming to the show. No single guys. Well, they should. Bunch of hot girls. If they were smart, they would. Yeah. And I feel like the guys are liking it because they know that I'm not trying to make it for them. And then they're like, well, that was actually really funny. It was like a really fun time. I had these younger guys message me. They're like, we actually learned a lot about sex. They're like, that was birth and kill Tony. Like, I really laughed a lot. And I was like, oh, I made it. I made it. But I'm of this opinion of like, there's like a divide between men and women right now. And I love trying to connect us and help us understand each other. But through the tension of comedy and the guys asking them these questions, it's so fucking funny. And I know there's been fights going home in the car with some couples, but like, I hope they grew from it. There always are. A good comedy show always. A little bit. post reflection yeah there's been some chris rock ones where you're like oh everyone's fucked everyone here like when he's talking about cheating on his wife and he's like when i tell women they're like i cannot believe you did that when i tell men and they're like oh my god only two you must really love her like oh my god like what is that car ride home gonna be like when he lays that joke out i mean whoa i know but i do i do like to kind of be that female locker room talk to make girls feel less embarrassed about things going on but then also like guys in on like you know this actually is how we're feeling yeah just changing the world and then the last thing we have to talk about is you're about to do a scripted show on netflix with polar and k cannon who i love k to death it's in the very early stages okay again i don't like being put in a box amy loves giggly squad i can't even wrap my head around we can share the elation one feels when polar likes your show there's nothing quite like my heart amy polar i'm like okay like stop complimenting me do you have any advice for going from stand-up to scripted i've gotten to see you now in the stand-up special in interviews there's a version of you right now that is absolutely my favorite you're chameleon like thank you yeah in this beautiful way you've got a lot of different facets but this version of you is what i want to see in a scripted show there's nothing protective about this and i want to watch this for hours oh no i'm gonna cry oh do it we love tears we're all gonna cry you did a great job you won the match i'm proud of you he's like check mark you get a gold star but let's just shout out k cannon oh my god greatest well yeah k i think she actually like was into bravo that's what everything i've done kind of comes full circle k is such a powerhouse so i'm taking this as like i'm gonna learn a lot from these like incredible women that have done this before me and i'm gonna try to add my own spin to it i feel like i'm about to enter a really really tough college class with the best professors ever yeah and i'm just trying to be a sponge to learn from them yeah i'm delighted that that's your steward to be anointed by those two is meaningful i don't know if i'm allowed to say this but i just booked my first small role in a movie and i've been auditioning for like two years and like nothing like my husband would make fun of me all the time i'm like i still could get it and he's like it's been four years i'm like they go through a lot of people yeah it's on vod already it's not easy so i've been like doing my auditions and stuff and i finally booked something and i was like holy fuck and what do you think you figured out from that i didn't try that hard in the audition it's always the one that you're like oh fucking that's the trick you have to constantly get to is like i was like i'm never gonna get this before i was like this is for me this is mine to lose you're welcome i'm yeah yeah this is literally oh 43 year old jewish karate expert fuck oh they've been watching me it's a whole new thing and i might not like it but i'm delving into four fallback jobs so you'll be fine you also just need to remember to be a coach i want to take lessons maybe you can teach me i would love and i want you to be really hard on me did you play any sports i was a cheerleader it was competition cheerleader state champion two years in a row wait that's fucked up girls are getting thrown oh yeah you're getting thrown you're doing flips she was getting caught by her pussy she fell on her head yeah i fell on my head well you know i am pretty into the cte world i don't think i have it but i can't rule it out she has some cte jokes in her special and i thought she loves it i think most of us have it i did a football player in college and i did cte charity for free wow the thing is they make you feel so tiny because you know i have i can't be with one of these like poets would this guy pick you up and stuff in the special i joke that like most guys to pick me up like they can like i'm five seven i'm not like massive but they have to do a whole breath thing like you were demonstrating live with your legs yeah he could live with his back i'm bottom heavy so yeah he could throw his back and then this guy was chucking me oh that's bad yeah i was like nunchucks a fucking feather i was a little feather in the breeze i felt so dainty yes you know there are trade-offs for these things i was so tiny brain but no definitely we didn't figure cte out for sure just yeah okay well maybe we could pair up on this i didn't know you know you were so into it i think monica's passionate about it i do bring it up a lot it's out here and no one's talking about it she's freaked several guests out where she's like do you think you have cte i'm like monica that is not a question she's taking notes so i'm just curious so have you been tested for hiv i mean that's as bad as saying that i also am kind of it's kind of worse there's medication for this does feel like a doctor interview where you're like there's a gap were you just doing cocaine i did call my friend recently and i was like so just have you been tested recently for aids because he had hiccups and on er but everyone needs a friend keep them on their toes exactly he was like i haven't had sex in a year and i was like but you can get it other ways yeah there's other ways what other ways intervening is drug yeah no stepping on needles people wear flip-flops that's right and he wears flip-flops and sometimes you check your date on how many in the movie theater seat have you ever sat in a movie theater seat and got stabbed by a needle they tell you to look at the movie theater seat before you sit there's definitely a subway that that's happening exactly thank you that's all i'm saying please find the person for me i'd love to interview them hannah this has been delightful from the bottom of my heart you're such a delightful guest you guys are incredible thank you for inspiring me to podcast and this is just an honor to be on here we're so happy to have you everyone watch none of my business on fifth on hulu or disney plus if you've coupled it or whatever they call it just find it bundled it if you bundled it and steal your disney app that's what i have to do ex-boyfriend's password if you and then keep your eyes peeled for the netflix scripted show monica will be on it yeah i'll be on it yeah maybe a cte episode oh my god oh my god your whole world comes together it starts making that's our main storyline actually sounds funny all right love you guys bye stay tuned for the fact check so you can hear all the facts that were wrong well i'm not wearing i'm wearing a merch shirt yeah we're both wearing merch because we have new merch coming we have not now but coming coming like next week so go ahead and put it cool there's a limited edition sweat not this one but there is a limited edition sweatshirt that meaning it says limited a dish it does and yeah and it is what it claims to be it's true to its name yes and it is um so cute but all of it's so cute and i feel like it's very chic it's simple it's wearable and um i'm very happy with it very happy with this yeah you work very hard on it and um i appreciate it and so does rob yes you didn't tell me that but i know it june 15th june 15th so that is a week from today yes put it in your cow guys set an alarm do it so the loudest alarm you have i did have to take off the shirt i was wearing which was going to be a conversation starter for us oh you already saw it in the interview you can tell people what it said i've only had oatmeal today right which apparently is my saying apparently in our family that is what the family says i say yes five days a week and i'm inclined to believe them yeah and so now i have a t-shirt that says it i know and kristen got a shirt that says her saying her saying is is any does anyone want to go to bed early tonight right she announces that every single night at 5 p.m do you want to hear a story yes okay so we went to nashville yes and lincoln and i went at on the 6 a.m flight yeah crack acid on yeah i was very happy she was willing to do this we had to leave the house at like four in the morning yeah and uh she's 13 i wasn't trying to get up at four in the morning when i was 13 um and she could have gone at night with delta and lincoln or delta and kristen and she came with me which was really great and we had a really busy day we landed and we immediately went and got the boat she helped me put the boat in the water then she's like let's go to let's go get sam's on the lake and i was like oh my dream it's my favorite restaurant on the lake we go there yeah docking the boat dock it get out go to put the rope around the cleat uh-huh and you already know this about me but for the folks that don't know i have two pair of reading glasses and i refuse to take them out of where i use them i one stays in here because i have to read in here and then one stays in my nightstand right and they never leave other than if i travel i bring the one pair down what if you need it upstairs i'll come grab them from here but i'll return them from here so okay and the point is i will not bring them to a restaurant where i need them the most i cannot read any menus anymore i'm the guy in the restaurant that has the bright light on a menu so i can see it okay and to the point where dell's was like why don't you bring your glasses and i'm like i'm i'm too afraid to lose them you're saying why don't you get a cheap pair exactly which is a great solution anyways i broke this rule i was like i'm gonna bring my glasses to the restaurant and i'll be able to read the menu right and they were in my um shirt collar and when i bent over to put the rope on the cleat they immediately just fell off of my shirt collar into the water yes uh and i just watched them sink to the bottom of this very murky area where people park boats next to a restaurant on a lake yep but i get to a point where i have let it go okay by the end of the night i've let it go we have a wonderful time we have a very fun lunch on the floating dock and also were you like i'm i mean i'm the smartest i just knew i knew i wasn't supposed to bring these i'm validated everyone sucks i didn't feel vindicated or validated i just went to straight like god damn it those were expensive i love them i knew i shouldn't have taken them out yeah i was just in trouble not like i was right okay i come up with a plan that's what it is okay i'm gonna get she lincoln says it why don't you get one of those fishing magnets i go what the hell is a fishing magnet should you never seen these fishing magnets so people use these magnets at the bottom of lakes and oceans now and they pick their metal they pick up metal okay so you hadn't given up on them no we're still like how do we get them back loosely and she's like you should get this magnet thing so i order it that day maybe even at that the dinner okay it arrives that following day and i'm like well before we drive out there i have the same frames in uh sunglasses let's see if they even are magnetic or would be picked up by a magnet yeah test it no oh ouch so i'm like oh now you bought this thing but this thing also came with this weird hook that you dragged it looks a little bit like the hook in the machine you drop down to win a stuffed animal right so it's got that so lincoln is like we'll go back and we'll use the hook and we'll drag it along the bottom okay i'm like we're that's not gonna work okay but i recognize how sweet it is that she really wants to get my glasses back so all four of us drive up not on the boat but in the car we go we had filmed where it happened so we know exactly where they went in and we start doing the hook thing we're doing that for probably 10 minutes no luck of course and delta goes i'm going in oh no and i go what do you mean she goes i brought my bathing suit i said to myself my dad does so many nice things for me if i'm not willing to get in there and find those glasses what am i doing and i go hold on you brought your bathing suit in anticipation that you might have to get in and try to find them she's like yes monica this water could not be more here to go in there yeah it's like it's about it was probably two and a half three feet deep next to the dock and it is murky as it gets and boats are coming in and out and it's getting churned up and fuck knows what's on the bottom exactly bacterias too she got in there in her bathing suit and she was using her feet to feel over her feet and she was like oh my god what am i doing and i go hold around this whole area god knows also where they floated to knives down there that was a concern of mine but i was so moved by this little girl and people would walk by and delta's just like up to her shoulders with her trying to find my glasses with her feet it is suggested that if we had a snorkeling mask we could probably no one's face should go fucking down there swim in the lake so i wasn't terrified about that so kristin is deployed to go to the gas station dock uh you think she's seen that in there i'm like they don't have that in there whatever she's on her walk back i see she's not holding a snorkeling mask i go no snorkeling mask she goes the diver will be here in 30 minutes oh my god what she goes yeah i was in there trying to buy a mask and the guy that worked there said you know there's a diver that works on the lake that's all he does is he gets shit out oh that's his job it's 150 bucks the glasses were more than that oh okay so we wait a half hour this dude rolls up in a pickup truck he gets out he drops the bed of his truck he's got his snorkel equipment he's just in board shorts older dude and little chit chat with him he was lovely he hops in monica he hopped in and he hopped out and i was like oh something's wrong with his regulator or something he's holding them yeah he's fucking holding them wow the celebration we had we'd been there at that point for over an hour trying to get these glasses i had written them off he went down and he came right up and fucking had them then he then we start got to talking to him about that job what does he get called in what has he found bridge someone lost their bridge not to be confused with a car bridge their teeth oh that front rack of teeth people get called a bridge said some dude's bridge fell out while he was swimming he's like i'm never gonna be able to find these teeth he said he went down and it's just like dark bottom he's just he smiling teeth oh god how clean like how clean oh he said he put the teeth immediately in his mouth yeah he said he took them out of his hand and popped them in his mouth that is so disgusting well that's rural living my friend that is so disgusting he got a parasite he won't and if he calls into armchair anonymous i won't have compassion you're not gonna okay um he won't look for rings he's like it's a lost cause all of the things that's the thing these are too tiny it goes into the silt there's just no way you're gonna find he's not that committed uh no i think he's learned the hard way you don't ever paid he should look what if it's right there yeah in his experience you can't really find a ring okay well let me challenge that okay one time i was at the beach with um anthony and allison and some other people and anthony dropped his wedding ring in the sand this is death you know you're not finding it but we were like we're gonna find it we found it but did he ever leave the area he was standing when it fell off does he know exactly he must have where exactly where it fell off so you at least had like a perimeter sitting we were all sitting and hanging so it was like okay it's like ground here how long did it take to find it i forget i don't i don't remember how long it took but like and you know the thing when you're like scooping up the sand but then it's going deeper yeah it's going deeper but it was found so miracles can happen oh yeah yeah people do find rings but this guy has learned that he's gonna be out there for two hours and he's not gonna get the ring and people are gonna want him to keep looking and he already charged you know you're not hiring him for the full day for 150 limit for 150 but he should still do it because if he finds someone's wedding ring engagement ring like that's a joy yeah the amount of joy i was pretty pumped about my ring glasses okay i don't have wedding rings so i don't i can't so how'd you clean it or did you put it right back on your face i put in my mouth good i'm gonna clean these off with my mouth oh my god yeah i did i did clean them when i got home there's a little scratch but i can't see it when i got the glasses i'm delighted i i had written them off like the whole trip there i was just being a a good team player i was like my children want to help their dad so i'm gonna go and and allow that uh-huh and um no hope of getting the glasses so when he popped back out with my glasses it was like christmas that's exciting it was very exciting now what have we learned from this that you're gonna get some cheap ones to kind of move around the world in i think you should i think i should too i just i'm trying to imagine when i'm gonna do that dax i need you to just for one second imagine this was reversed and i told you i'm told you this story yeah i know you'd be like okay so there's a there's a really good solution that you're just not doing yeah you know what i would do i go what's your prescription no you would and i'd stop at the drug store and buy you readers and i'd come in one day and i go here's your readers that's a lie you wouldn't do that you'd be like you know what if you can't help yourself with this just very basic solution you don't deserve it that's what you would say to me with your mind all right and sometimes with your mouth okay so i want you to just order eight eight glasses or i guess i could order them i so associate readers with the drug store because that's where i i do have a couple cheap sets of readers but they don't work obviously as well as my i mean they won't work as well but that's not for your major just for dinner you're right yeah so just get i should probably buy eight of them i just leave a bunch on the boat yeah everywhere i look there's just cheap glasses every restaurant you go to frequently oh yeah mail it to them is there a place i can keep these yeah by the way restaurants should have yeah four or five different prescription readers and then when they see a guy like me pull out his flashlight they just swing by and they're like will you plus four i don't even know what how it works but right plus 105 i just i think liability wise because of eye sicknesses pink eye you think that's what's preventing them i just think they haven't had the idea but that would be that would be that little touch that would be like that's what noma would have oh you mean no boo no no no no you just learned about noma no i knew about noma because you did yeah friends were going there when we were in norway or no when we were in denmark friends were like oh we're gonna be in denmark and they were going just for that restaurant yeah it's a whole thing yeah okay i have an update okay um i think some people have seen this but if you haven't If you listen to the Luke Malone, Elizabeth Letourneau fact, check. That's the one where I told a harrowing story about me almost pooping in my car and I had left a friend's house where I was playing Mahjong. Yeah. And we debriefed. We debriefed. I told the story. The people whose house I was at didn't know about the story. And I didn't say who they were on the fact check, but I did think, God, it might get back to them. But, you know. Yeah. And so the other day, I get a call. Okay. Okay. And we're recording. And I see that this person's calling me. And I get kind of nervous. You know, anytime someone who doesn't normally call you calls you, it's a little nerve wracking. But then he left me a voicemail. Hey, Monica. It's Andy. I was just thinking about you. And I know this is kind of random, but I just had this thought. Like, if you're ever at our house, and you need to use the primary bathroom, you can definitely do that. We would be more than honored for you to use that restroom. And we know it can be a little awkward in our house, sort of like if you need a little extra privacy or something. Because there are two doors to the primary. You can close the bedroom door, and then you can close the bathroom door. It gives more privacy. That's a better one. Because the other one, also, there's the new wallpaper, which we wouldn't want to have exposed to anything. But you are welcome. Welcome. With open arms to use that bathroom anytime you need. Yeah. All right. Well, so that was very funny. I saw a text. It was this voicemail. It's just, it was written out. Oh, and then you wrote, I don't know what you're talking about. It's very funny, your response. Oh, then yes, I responded. I said, I said, what did I say? Yeah, I want to see that. I want to hear that part. Okay, so I listened to the voicemail. And then he later was like, did you get my voicemail? Yeah. And I said. Wow, what a random thing to tell me. It's appreciated, but I have no idea why you would possibly tell me that. I don't ever need to go to the bathroom. And if I do, I prefer to use my car. But thanks. I prefer to use my car. Okay, so that, you know. That's great. That was. Like, it gave me permission. This isn't an I told you so, but I'm just saying that was my prediction. They'd feel so honored to have you go extra hard. I know. I mean, I knew that they would be fine with it, but I'm still not fine with it. You're not fine with it. And you know, Jess is really struggling with this story. He's frustrated with you. He like really is actually like, I can't believe that you wouldn't just go in that house. I'm sure he's in the same zone I get where I actually get a little angry at you about the farting. It's just like, I don't like the idea of you being miserably uncomfortable. Because of your shyness or your fear people are going to judge you or exclude you. I don't like that thought for you. I know. Well, let me tell you, those are different because I never need to fart in and I'm not farting. I don't. I promise. Monica. I promise. Monica. Dax. This isn't that scenario. Okay. But now, hold on. Hey. This is we're, we're, we're, we're jabbing the beehive here. All right. Jab away. Okay. So I think that the position in our previous arguments always centered around the fact that no, you do have to fart as much as me, but I am a boy who is arrogant and I just think I'm entitled to fart. And I've suggested that there must be something biologically different about you and I, because I have to fart all the time. And the notion I could not fart during the day is insane to me. But you're telling me you are not at all resisting the urge to fart. I'm not, but I think that's learned body behavior. Like, because, because I didn't, I, I just don't, I don't out of respect or I didn't add respect for so long. Like I don't have to. I just think you don't have to. And then you're, you're giving yourself the compliment that you're respectful, but you're not even fighting the urge. Well, now I don't know what position to take. That's right. You've really, you've painted yourself into a bit of a corner on this. I don't, I'm not gassy. There we go. I'm not. That's great. But I think even, even if I was. Yeah. I mean, I guess, look in my life, have there been times where I'm like, oh, like, okay. Like I kind of need to, I gotta hold it. Yeah. That's a funny thought. Holding a fart. I know. Yeah. As if you could grab it. Hold it in. I mean, I, but yeah, I would, I'd hold it in. I wouldn't just let it out. Right. But if you had 63 of those urges in a day. We gotta get on some medicine. You might, you might go, I can't. What am I talking about? I can't go through life like this. Well, this is interesting. Cause when I, I was telling the, you know, I was telling the Elizabeth and Andy story to Anthony and Alison, my other two friends that I was playing Mahjong with. Cause also I wanted, I was like, if you guys heard that story, just, it's not your house. Oh, okay. You know, I needed to tell them. Oh, sure. Um, and so then we got on this conversation about farts and like, I, okay. You know how you can like control the sound by kind of like pulling your butt cheek apart. Yeah. Like you can pull it apart and create more. Yeah. Of an airway. Well, less resistance for the air to make noise against. Right. So it's just coming straight out and it does make a sound if you do that. Right. But I. Have you done that? I can't imagine why you would need to do that. I have done it. I have done that. You've done that. But not like. In what context? For fun. I mean. Maybe in bed for fun. Like, yeah. It's like running little experiments. I don't even like to hear it on my own really. Oh, you don't. Oh, I do. I do. I know. You're sick. Yeah. Okay. But. It's a hilarious noise. But. Like, yeah. I get embarrassed. I'll like be embarrassed by myself. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. I have a high, high, high level of embarrassment. Yeah. In life. So you're in your bed by yourself. Oh, God. And you go, you hear. And you're like, oh my God, Monica. Like you have a. I don't say Monica. Oh, Monica. What are you doing? Are you like. Monica. Stop it. No. I'm just like, I just would get like. Oh, you get startled. Yeah. I would get startled. I get a flush of embarrassment. Wow. And kind of like, I hope nobody saw her, but you know, no one's there. Can I urge you to mount this topic with your therapist to see what she has to say about this? You really sound like Jess because he's like, what? He's basically like, what's going on? What's going on? With your embarrassment. Which is, I know what's going on. Like, yes, I had a deep, deep fear of getting ostracized. So I was not embarrassing. And I'm very aware of doing anything embarrassing. And unfortunately for the people in my life, I'm extremely aware of when other people are doing things that are embarrassing as well. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it, I get secondhand very, very easily. For sure. But you would look at me currently. Uh oh. Arriving now. Rob, can you pick up our. What? What's wrong with you? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You would hear me say, I have enormous fear that I'm going to be financially insolvent. Yeah. And you would go, Dax, you got to get over that. That's an old fear. Yeah. That like doesn't even make sense now. It makes zero sense. And you being ostracized, this doesn't make any sense anymore. This. Well, I've never farted and it was so stinky around people. I'm not going to do that. You have secured finances. So like. No, but hold on. In our friendship group, many of us fart. The men, not the women. I mean, they do, but they don't, they, they don't like out, out and about like you guys do. Anyway, this is circling back to like my whole point. Okay. So you guys. Did you go grocery shopping? Oh yeah. I also ordered a sandwich. Oh. You guys. Looks like you got like produce in there. It's like, oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Thank you. This is Dax's colostrum arrived again. Thank you, Rob. Cow breast milk is here. I have no idea if something is going to smell or not. Okay. Like when it's in my body. It's because you don't fart enough. Maybe. But I, I, there's no way for me to know this and you, I do think it's arrogant for you guys to be like, oh, I know this one isn't going to smell. Well, hold on. If you have a lot of farts and you let them out a lot. I'm sure Rob will agree with me. You have a sensation. Okay. Rob doesn't fart a lot. Oh, that's right. He's not a big farter, but I bet he farts a ton by himself. Do you? My point is you often, you, there's a signature heat. There's a heat signature. In the body? In the bowels. Yeah. Where you're like, oh, this is, this is not safe for public consumption. Oh my God. You do, right? Yeah. What? What? When they are going to be putrid. This is okay. I do need people to comment. Okay. I really do. I need people to comment and say whether you experience this or not. And if in your gender, please. Now, am I wrong? Yeah. A lot of times I'm like, I think we're good or I've already tooted three or four times and it's, I didn't smell anything. And I think, I think we're just good for the day. And then it turns, but in general, I would say with 80% accuracy, I know whether they're going to smell or not. Okay. Now the original question I wanted to ask is the technique of, of. I have incredible sphincter control. Spreading your butt cheek. Oh, uh-huh. To let it out. Can we talk more about when you did that? Hold on. Okay. I'm trying to picture you reaching back. You couldn't have been in public. Yeah, that's my whole point. Okay. So that there's no smell. Sound. I mean, I'm so sorry that there's no sound. Can you do that hands-free? Make it quiet? Yeah. Yeah. How? You have to really slowly and gently let it leak out. You can't push. You get that sensation when you have a fart. It's like uncomfortable when you got to push. It's almost like you got to pop it, you know? Well, you got to get it out. You got to get it out. And so your body tells you to push it. Like your nature is to be in the woods and push it out and get that gas out of there. Sure. But you can. This is why I would probably be good at anal. I can relax. I have good control and I can relax. No, but relaxing. There's a way to relax where it's just letting it slowly leak out. If you're a pro. What? Rob. Yeah, I know what he's talking about. Hands-free. But you're using your weight to shift. What do you mean? Like, I can't. They're gyrating around. I was having this conversation with them and like some of them claim they can go hands-free. And I was like, that's insane. And here you are. And I think you can because I rarely hear it. But you do say like, oh, I farted or oh, does it smell? And I haven't heard anything. So I guess I didn't know if you just had non-verbal. Non-verbal farts. Yeah. No, I have verbal farts. But for the most part, I can dampen. You know, I can I can modulate. And have you ever been wrong about that? Like you thought you were okay. Oh, that's a noise. Oh. Now, Aaron, I don't think can do that. You've heard Aaron's farts, right? Yeah. They're infamous. Yeah, they're high pitched. It sounds like when you take a balloon. Yeah. And you just let the little bit of air squeak out by pulling it apart. Okay. It's the highest pitched. Okay. I don't think he'd be good at anal. Do we think he has just a very tight bone? That's what I'm just saying. I don't think he would be good at anal. So I think that's what I'm dealing with. You think you have an extra tight? Yeah. Okay. Well, that's a nice compliment. Do you want to call? Just, I just know my body. Like, imagining doing that hands free. Are yours loud? Are yours squeaky? They're not. Or are they thunderous? Squeaky. Or thunderous. God, I want them to be thunderous. They're not thunderous. Because you're so tiny. Every now and then. Like, if I was like, I came into your house and you didn't know, and I was like walking around downstairs, and then I just heard, like, really bassy. I would be delighted. You know, that little tiny person up there sounds like an elephant. I mean, I would venture to say because I don't fart a lot. Right. If I do, if I must. Yeah, when you must. If, yeah, there's a lot of air. Yeah, sure. Because, because if I only have a little air, I just, it goes back up in my body. Okay. It becomes a burp or leaks out of your skin? No, I never burp. Okay. Wow. That's like, sometimes when you are burping so much, I think it's a tick, actually. Yeah, I know you've got a lot of. Which sometimes I do kind of think it's a little bit of a tick for you, but that's okay. I love it. I can derest. I know my ticks. It's not a tick. I don't think you know. Okay. Because I don't think you always know you're doing it. I think sometimes you're, you're like burping and stuff and, and it's going unnoticed. Like you, because it's a tick, but also I do think. You can't have that as a tick because you can't manufacture gas in your. Oh, people. Well, you can swallow air and, but I've never been able to do that. Oh, automatic burp. Yeah. Yeah. Like I always had friends in junior high. I can do that. Do it. Oh, right on command. That was good. I bet he can fart on command. I bet he does fart on command, but he's not letting us know. Why don't you trust us? Don't you feel a little betrayed by it now? No, I want everyone to be very open around me. Yeah. You just don't want to be open. Although sometimes it does. Look, sometimes. Jess. I don't want that. That's because he's your brother and your husband. Exactly. And when it's your brother. And he farts a lot. Well, he doesn't. He doesn't around me. Oh, he doesn't. You've broke him of that. Or does he step outside a lot? A lot. No. But you. You know me, I call it out in a way. I do out in a way. Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah. Out in a way is nice because that's not endangering anyone or disrespecting anyone in the space. Yeah. Jess has learned, and I do feel, I guess I feel guilty about this, but do I? Not really. Yeah. But when it's your brother, husband. You're smart enough to know you should say you feel guilty, but in your heart, you don't feel guilty. I don't. But when it's your brother. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. When it's your husband, I also think it's a little bit on you. Like, remember when you told, you guys say, like, if there's like a big hair coming out of your nose or something, like, it's on your spouse to say, I'm getting that out. Specifically, we went out to eat with a couple, and the man had several long, very noticeable hairs growing out of his nose, and we left, and I said, she does not love him, and they got divorced like three months later. That's a real story. It was the only indicator about the nose hairs, or is there was some others? That to me was a big, like, what is going on in this relationship? I can see from across the table that he has three or four very prominent hairs growing out of his nose. You're sitting next to him. I know. You didn't need glasses to read the menu. Why aren't you telling your husband about this? But do you think, okay, but there is, some people are really sensitive, really sensitive, and maybe she had tried before, and maybe he was like, stop being so critical of me, and so maybe she's learned, like, okay, I don't think that's a place I can go. That's possible, obviously, but I have been in several relationships, I know a lot of people in relationships, and that is why you're in a fucking relationship, so that you can have one person you're not sensitive around that can pop the zits on your back, who you can fart around, like, it's just too exhausting to be hiding all this stuff. It's disgustingness that we all carry, and that's what the point of it is, like, I'm linking up with someone to just fucking drop the charade, be myself, and hopefully they love me. But you're already doing that, you're already farting and stuff. Well, but like, you know, I'm very sensitive about my anus, as you know, I've talked about it a lot, and I have let Kristen shave my anus for work, and that's not something I'm like, gonna line up to let people do. Why don't you show it on here and get real long? No, I already showed it on. Watch that movie if you want to see Dex's anus. They didn't use the take with my anus on display, thank God. It would have given them a different rating, for sure. You think it's that, okay, maybe this is ding, ding, ding, connecting to the fart silencing. Like, maybe you guys who can let it out with silence, maybe you guys have huge assholes. Maybe, I don't think mine is bigger. Let's call Aaron. Let's ask him if he can. Go hands-free. I have seen Aaron's anus, of course. And it's tight. It looks the same as mine, but both of us agree it's a very unattractive part of us. Well, of everyone. That's best to not ever be looked at. Not everyone. Often women have beautiful buttholes. Yeah, print it. Quote it. Print it. Clip it. Send it. Send it directly to Daily Mail or whatever one hates me. Yeah, beautiful. Okay, that's just because. Because you're attracted to women. But I, like. No, if you showed, like, 10 pictures of men's assholes and 10 pictures of women's assholes to AI, and you said, which one's more disgusting? For sure, AI, without any. Why would they be that different? They're hairy. Oh, well, women, okay, that's stigma, okay? Even if they're hairy, Monica, men have more hair on their butt than women. We can say that. Yeah. On their butt. But cheeks, too. And their cheeks, and their chin, and their mustache. Right. Yeah. Yes, they do. It's okay. They do, but no, but also, but I'm just saying, like, women do, and then you shave or wax or whatever. Sure, I've seen some, yes, I've seen hair on women's buttholes. Or you get electrolysis. And it did not look like hair on men's buttholes, I'll just say that. Oh, interesting. Okay, okay. Now, now, now, just do you think he could go hands-free with the asshole you've seen? Weekly? Yeah. No, he could spread it apart with everything. I think it would still squeak. Even if he moves it with his hands? Hands, we gotta ask. Yeah, I know he's done it. Oh. Oh, dang. My son doesn't love me anymore. Fuck. Well, okay. All right. All right, well, I guess let's do some facts. Want to do some facts? Yeah. Clean it up. Let's clean it up for Hannah. Yeah, let's do that. Ding, ding, ding, clean up. Boop. Boop. That didn't, that went in the wrong direction again. Reset, take two, clean up, the clean up. I loved Hannah Burner. Yeah, she was so fun. She was so fun. Yeah, I agree. It's happening to a good person. Yeah, we like that. Yeah. I'm glad I wasn't a professional athlete. Wow. I mean, I'm glad you weren't either. Just a life of like singularly focused. life from like eight until 20 on this thing i that's not for me it's not for you but it's also why like you not wanting that is also why you aren't one you know what i mean it's all tied together it's like that your outlook on life and what you want life to look like and be doing yeah is not conducive to yeah i want way too many experiences yeah it's funny uh i just came up with this theory this morning in the dentist chair oh oh yeah you got dental work i didn't get any work i but i got the edges polished anyways that's work yeah yeah but i was talking to my dentist and he was telling me about his son and he's talking about you know he's a soccer player and like clearly he's putting a ton of effort into it and he wants him to go to this league because the competition will be higher and you know he's telling me all this stuff and i'm just listening and i'm like i just can't relate right like i don't desire for my kids to be great at anything i know it's so strange i figured it out though it has been so strange to me for a very long time and this morning for the first time i think i made sense of it okay so i'm listening to him and then i'm thinking about him as a person and then i'm thinking about me as a person and i said to him look i just came up with this theory so maybe it doesn't hold any water but it makes a lot of sense to me that you are this way with your kid because you're a specialist you have dedicated your life and you're an expert and a specialist at this thing dentistry yeah he's also like an expert drawer and stuff he that's the type of duties i said i'm a generalist i'm not great at anything my attack is like i'd rather know 70 about a lot of things than 100 about a few things that's just how i am yeah so yeah it makes total sense to me that like i'm not looking for my kids to become expert level on anything just because i'm not that way and i'm fine right but don't you still want that for them no if i had to pick whether they were specialists or generalists obviously i'd prefer they were generalists because obviously i was drawn to being a generalist i know but that's but that's so much about you so same with him everyone is that's like that's a given is you have your life experience and then you have these kids you're worried and you hope they'll turn out right so you want to make sure if you believe in endless hard work and focus that's how you get to where you want to go yeah that's the approach you believed in of course that's the one you pass on right my approach is like no scatty wampus and it was all over the map and i ultimately landed on being a generalist which but you didn't land on it that just happened to be where your life went it's not like it and where your skills lie like if their skills lie more in niche or specificity that is what they should do like it's not to mat it should be to maximize whatever innate skill you have well whether that's being a generalist i think that's a separate conversation so a separate conversation is um do i not want them to be what they are naturally are no if they want to be specialists you're going to watch the most supportive dad right ever if they were pursuing soccer and the way that this kid yeah exactly i would support it but given my own nature i'm just going to be laying out the world as i see it and as i've experienced it i could be i could be swayed against that if they're showing some interest in being a specialist yeah yeah but of course i'm not going to pass on being a specialist because i'm not one i'm a generalist so naturally i'm going to pass on the kind of ethos that a generalist has which is what i just said like i would rather know seventy percent about one hundred topics than i would want to know a hundred percent about three topics i would rather know seventy percent about one hundred topics than i would want to know a hundred topics that's just my nature right my goal is not to invent something for a lot of people their goal in life is to win first place you're looking and that's great i'm not against it yeah my goal in life was to be able to hang with maximum amount of people on planet earth like my goal has always been i want to be able to drop into every single group of people and get along you know like on the weekends i'm hanging out with the drag racers and kenny on grass shit and during the week i'm with the fucking art kids and the snowboarders like i just love the variety of people and so um being a generalist suits that ultimate goal of mine which is just to like be able to fucking hang and move between any group and some people's goal is like i want to invent this thing or create the cure for cancer or win the only gold medal yeah both are totally fine endeavors yeah i mean i think all of it is too much i think a goal is like just find a purpose doesn't matter if it's niche doesn't matter if it's what doesn't matter what it is but find a purpose you just got to stay busy on planet earth yeah i mean that's the reality but you have to stay busy in a way that makes you feel good that like makes you feel yeah and you gotta figure that out your parents aren't ever gonna figure that out no they're not and i guess there are techniques for doing that but there are there there are many of these people that are not going to be able to do that they're not going to be able to do that that are specialists that they believe their kids should work hard they should work harder than anyone else and they should get better than everyone else that's what they believe the game of life is and that's great because for a lot of people that is the game of life i know but it's like you're kind of saying it now as like this like 51 year old and that's not really how you behaved like when you were at the ground level you were like i'm gonna do this i'm gonna do this i'm gonna do this i'm gonna do this i'm gonna do this i'm gonna do this i'm gonna do this i'm gonna do this and stuff like that's specialized and that's working really fucking hard and it's working harder than it's it is it's putting in tons of hours and it's not there was jess right next to me and jess went to every single show at the groundlings he was friends with all of the upper groundlings that were in the company his life was the groundlings yeah i was going to ucla i had a drinking problem i like to go out right i never i never went to the groundlings i never went to the groundlings i never went to the groundlings i did it like him right and a handful of people i did the amount i wanted to get on stage and have that experience but i didn't go all in devote your i didn't the way say just did or several other people i knew it was too um constraining to only have one thing for me like i need lots of things happening interesting so i was saying when i was talking to the dentist the only thing i approach expert level on is cars yeah and i'm not it's also true i'm not tom hansen knows more than jay leno knows more than me about cars right jay leno is a specialist on cars right right and i'm damn good i can talk to 90 of the people can't leave me in the dust on cars right but that's what i'm saying that's the one that's probably i'm closest to an expert on and i'm not even close to an expert on that yeah so anyways i do think it impacts how you raise your kids you know it's like why are you why aren't i going like you gotta we gotta get you harder opponents and play in the next league you know like i just i can't even find that desire in me again i would support it no that's not true when you take lincoln to the driving area that's a carding carding and she's doing well where she is you're like we're going up well yeah you are again these are all like yes you're 100 right these are all shades of commitment it's like yes do i want her to learn the racing line and learn to break and again i hope she reaches a level that when she goes to go-kart track with all of her friends she can win right so that that yeah that requires but then going to another league and having to be the best carter in la and then the best in california and the like that part i just i lose interest in i want to go have fun and hopefully i'll win i don't not like winning i like being especially driving yeah um yeah but i don't have that gear right and i don't think it's good or bad i just don't think i have that yeah everyone's different a lot of people would have had these like fun trips with the cart with lincoln and they would have gone and got a coach by now if they wanted if lincoln wanted they're like that right like well you got we got to get you a coach and we got there's all these steps we could be taking there are variations there's a one way of looking at life this is how my parents did it you know you yeah you working hard is the whole thing yeah it's not the gifts you've been given like you're smart doesn't matter if you're smart if you aren't working hard no one cares yeah it won't do anything so that was very instilled of it's a game of hard work and but yeah they're not like oh we see you see you show some aptitude here so we're gonna like go get you a coach it's it was all on me it was like this is how you do it now it's on you to do that yes which i appreciate i appreciate and that i think that is definitely if i had children what i would impart as well like it's it's it's time to work hard if you care about this thing if you don't care about it who cares if you do i'm definitely someone that's like devoted all yeah i think my bigger desire than being great at any one of these activities is like i want to be competent in everything like and once i get to competent like i'm pretty much my journey's over like if i go to the motorcycle track and i ride with the guys and I'm totally competent. Some days I'm the fastest there. Some days I'm not like I do that thing. They know that's enough. I don't need to be my friend, Josh Heron, who's winning the AMA fucking super bike. You know? Yeah. I can't relate. Yeah, I know. It's fun. Yeah, it is fun. Everyone's so different. Yeah. I think everyone's inclination is like you evaluate a difference. And then the first impulse is like, what one's right and which one's wrong? And I think that's the thing you got to fight against in your mind. Yeah. All the time. There's no right or wrong, but there is what works for you and what doesn't work for you. You know, so. Yeah. Yeah. That was anyways, that was about Hannah's extreme tennis journey. Yes. I mean, what I do believe, and this episode, I think kind of reiterates that a little bit as I, or reiterated to me, like, I think supporting your kid, of course, is like the most important thing. But the level of investment in your kid's activity is a fine line to ride, I think. Well, I think the people that are in that position need to constantly policing themselves about whether it is their desire or their own desire. That's, I think, the line that needs to be navigated well. Yeah. Because I think if. It could easily be, like, they're a reflection on you. You've put all this time into it. So if they win, it is your win as well. Right. And if you're kind of sucked into that aspect of it. Yeah. That feels like something you'd want to be conscious of. Yeah. I think it's tricky. Yeah. I think it's very slippery for everyone involved in that. Okay. What does Marcello's girlfriend do? And yes, she did go to Yale. And I said she was an architect. And she is. She's an architect? She's a. Co-founder of BASA. I don't know what that is. B-A-S-A. Working as an architect. Artist and furniture designer. A master's of architecture from Yale. Oh, very cool. Now, the ethnic breakdown of Wisconsin. 78% white. White. 8% Hispanic. Latino. 6% Black or African American. 3% Asian and 1% Native American. That'd be probably a tough place for me. I mean, tough, I mean, 3% is low. Oh, in your count, they mean Asia, too. No, they're including India in that. I know, but that's not even, yeah, we both know that that. No, you think you know. Yeah, we both know. No, we don't. Okay, so tapping, she talked about tapping. Tapping or emotional freedom techniques is a mind-body practice that combines acupressure and cognitive therapy. By lightly tapping on nine specific body meridians while focusing on an anxious thought, you send calming signals to the amygdala to quietly regulate your nervous system. Are you going to learn those nine meridians? Nah. Okay. I think I'm good for now. I mean, I can circle back if I need it. Yeah, you do wrestle with anxiety from time to time. Yeah. I haven't really in a while, I don't think. I mean, I'm trying to think, like. Growing out of it. Yeah, or just. Maybe because I have been in therapy for so long and I have worked on a lot of things that maybe, I don't know. Sometimes I wonder. Here we go. I have good wonders. Yeah, you have really nice wonders. Sometimes I wonder when I was having all of those, when I was having panic attacks, but they were very physical. And I, you know, I felt like I was, like, disassociated and I, but I was here, but I, like, couldn't, like, get my brain, like, back. Now, I'm like, were those seizures? Oh, wow. Not, not, obviously not grand mal seizures, but the other kind, petite mal, that's how they look. And so there is a part of me that's like, maybe. You were having little seizures? That was happening then. Yeah. Petite. Teet. So cute. So cute. So, I don't know if I ever had anxiety. Oh, now this might make you self-conscious. Just tell me. It's very memorable when you see someone have a seizure. Oh, my God, I know. Have you seen, I've seen. Which kind? I've seen both. Petite mal's are less, they're like, they're just very, they're very disassociated. I've talked about my uncle a million times. He had to have the corridor cut in his brain. He had really intense epilepsy. And, yeah, one time at my birthday party. At the, our equivalent of Benihana. It wasn't called that, but it was a. Uh-huh. Japanese steakhouse. Yeah. Hibachi grill or whatever. And, like, all of a sudden, I just looked at him. He's, like, holding his plate weird. I'm like, what's he, why is he holding this plate? And then he started, like, leaning forward. And then, like, then the plate spilled. Yeah. And then all this other stuff started happening. And, yeah, what was really obvious is, like, I just remember checking in with his face. And I'm like, oh, yeah, he's not here. Like, he's not experiencing this at all. That's what's crazy. That's what's crazy about it. And then a grand mall and a movie theater one time. Yeah. Where it's, like, someone yelled for a doctor. Someone said, put your wallet in their mouth. It was, like, a scene out of a movie. Oh, yeah. No, I know. I know this girl had one in the cafeteria. Oh, I remember you telling me that. It's so, I'll never, it is seared. It is seared in my brain. Yeah. It was so scary. And so, like. Oh, worst place to be. Just the last of a fucking place. Also, my friend Charles had one in a movie theater, but I wasn't there. I was there for that. If you had to pick between farting really loud and it reeked or having a seizure. In the cafeteria? Yeah. And everyone was, like, same level of awareness. People were like, oh, Monica farted. Fuck, would you eat cabbage? You know, like, it immediately started. It's that? This is the worst. Or is it seizure? This is the worst. Would you rather? I would pick seizure. You got to pick seizure, yeah. Yeah, because at least I can't control it. I would imagine you'd be afraid that that smell would be permanently linked to people's image of you. Even if they were just thinking about you in a different classroom months later, they'd be able to smell that. Well, I think either way, you're linked to that experience for the rest of your life. Yeah. But one is, like, eee. Like, one is, like, scary a little bit. Scary, yeah. And the other is gross. And so, I'd pick scary. Good pick. Even though, health-wise, you should pick farting. I know, because you could die. It's so much easier on your body. Yeah. Yeah. I, uh, I think about that. Fuck, Monica, gasp. Stop it. Oh, fuck, Monica. Would you eat a McRib? Stop. That's never happened to me. I do think about it all the time because I looked like that and people saw. Oh, uh-huh. Thank God it was just my people. Your girlfriends. I know. But, like, I think all the time, eww. Like, they saw. They saw me look so crazy. Yeah. But I had seen one of my girlfriends. My girl spent, lost consciousness and her, like, eyes were rolled back in her head. I guess maybe it was a seizure. Maybe it was. And I still thought she was beautiful afterwards. I didn't, it didn't, like, impact how I saw her at all. Other than just she scared me. Yeah. Did you cry? No, I, I picked her up and carried her to my mother's hotel room. Oh. And I said, we gotta go. We gotta go to the hospital. Oh, yeah. This is when you were having sex. Okay. You've told it. You've talked about it. Okay. You were, oh, this is way different. It was post-coital. And what happened? I'm not gonna go into it, but no. No, no, no, no, no, no. Okay. Mm-hmm. Um, okay. But yeah, I was 19. It was a little scary. A little? Yeah. And we had to go to the. You never get that scared. That's so interesting. I was pretty scared. You were, yeah. Well, because she was 18. I was 19. Her parents knew she was on this trip. Oh, I was doing a car show. A car show. Right. Thank God your mom was there. Like, I'm more responsible for her. And I love her. So I'm like, I got quite scared that something was wrong with her. But anyways, we went to the, like, an emergency room. And I don't even know where we were. I think we were in the South somewhere. And they just could not get off of, what drugs have you guys done? What drugs have you guys done? Oh, right. I'm like, I've not done any drugs. Yeah. How much have you drank? I haven't drank. We smoke a lot of cigarettes. Yeah. That's about all I can tell you. God. Scary. I hope whoever, if I marry anyone. Uh-huh. That they cry when I have a seizure. Yeah. Well, I hope I don't have one ever again, obviously. Right. But if you have one. I want them to cry even at the thought of it. Yeah. You would like that. You know who cried? Kristen. Did she? Yeah. She got, well, not during it. After the trauma that wore off. Yeah. When we were in the hospital. I was still out of, like, weird for a while after that. And then, you know, we were at the hospital and the doctor came and was talking. And to me, and, like, kind of asking me questions or whatever. And then she looked, Kristen was behind. She looked over and she goes, I know it's scary. And I looked and I was like, oh, she's crying. Yeah. It was very sad. And then I was like, ugh. I traumatized everybody. What if he said, do you know why you're here, Ms. Padman? Why? And you said, did I have a seizure? And he said, no, you farted. And they all smelt it. And that's why she's crying. What is wrong with you? She wants to know if you had a McRib with cabbage on it. Stop it. You're always trying to make me gross and it's you who's gross. Oh, my God. Okay, we haven't done many facts. Yes, we've done a lot. Oh, the Chris Rock joke about cheating is, like, men are only as faithful as their options. Yeah, yeah. I'll play it. Okay. Man is basically as faithful as his options. That's how faithful a man is, no more, no less. They see all these fat Republican guys going, I would never do such a thing. This is a travesty. I'm like, nobody's trying to blow you. Ain't no 20-year-old girls trying to blow Orrin Hatch. Nobody trying to give Newt Gingrich some. I don't give a fuck. You ain't never going to hear Newt Gingrich go, man, I wish these hoes would back up off me. I wish they would just back the fuck up off of me. This is all for a man to turn down. If you can chase us, we can't run that fast. They're going to catch us. We're like, ah, ah, ah, shit. Pull the hamstring. It got me, it got me, it got me. That was an impressive routine. I think that's when he came out and his whole routine was about him admitting he cheated. I know. There was a special. I don't know if this is that one. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe it is. I remember that. Yeah, it was rad. Yeah. I mean, it's not rad that he cheated, but it was rad that he was able to tackle it on stage. It was cool. Right. All right. Well, that's it. That was all. Yeah, Hannah. I loved her. Yeah, she was great. She's fantastic. Glad she joined us. All right. Love you. Love you. Thank you.