38. Handling Criticism

This is the Haley's sensitive person podcast. A weekly podcast for people who experience the world brighter, louder and more intensely. Join me on a journey of acceptance of our highly sensitive person traits. Welcome to episode 38 of the Haley's sensitive person podcast. I'm your host Kelly. This podcast is about people who have sensory processing sensitivity. Those of us who experience the sights, sounds, smells and emotions of the world very intensely. And before I get into today's episode, I'd like to share a comment from the blog. This reader wrote, "Learning about high sensitivity is helping me make sense of myself and my past experiences in a whole new, helpful way. Your posts reminded me of things I can now almost laugh at, almost, or at least feel lighter and validated about, knowing that there is support and community out there for HSPs." The whole point of my podcast in my blog is to help people learn about high sensitivity and realize they're not the only people who feel the way they do and even learning to laugh at yourself sometimes. All right, let's get to it. Last week I talked about self-criticism, which is criticizing yourself first so other people can't criticize you and therefore cause you the trauma of being criticized. I brought this up because I recently came out with my first book and had to deal with the prospect of reading critical reviews on Amazon, which is scary. So this week's show is about handling criticism. If you Google this topic, you'll find hundreds of answers and tactics on how to handle criticism. But even with all those helpful tips at your disposal, it's still a difficult thing to do. It still hurts. When preparing what to talk about today, I came up with some scenarios I'd be basing everything on. The first thing that comes to my mind when thinking about criticism is receiving critical words from your boss at work. The second example I used was being criticized by a friend or a loved one. Why does criticism hurt us anyway? HSPs put a lot of care into what we do. Our work, our relationships, we pay attention to the details and want to do things right. When we are criticized, it's like someone is taking our careful actions and words and tearing them apart. Now the first thing people say when you mention handling criticism is don't take it personally. That's such a general statement and overly obvious. It's easier said than done. HSPs take things personally because we put so much of ourselves into what we do, our heart and soul. So here are a couple tips, three tips that I use to help myself deal with criticism. The first one is try to see it from their point of view. Put yourself in the shoes of the criticizer. What information did the other party receive that made them unhappy with you or your work? Why was your boss unhappy with your performance? Maybe what they perceived was not what you intended. Maybe you could explain yourself and set them straight. Or perhaps you even sense that their criticism isn't really about you. Maybe they're just having a bad day. We HSPs are great at putting ourselves in other shoes. So try that and see if you can figure out where they are coming from. Once you better understand something, it's better to accept it and deal with it. It's the unknown of wondering why, why did they say that? Why did they criticize me in the way they did? That can drive us crazy. The second tip is to realize that the criticism could be helpful. Try to hold back on feeling offended and hurt for a minute and make room to consider what they are saying to you. It's not easy to take an honest look at yourself and your weaknesses, but it could be an opportunity to make change to improve yourself. I have an example for you that's a little bit embarrassing, but I remember many years ago, I was probably in my teens and I remember the moment so clearly I was driving a car. I even remember exactly where I was and I was talking to a close family member who was in the car with me and we were talking and I said something and then she replied to me, "Do you ever say anything that's not sarcastic?" It came out of nowhere and it hit me really hard. I didn't even say a word. I just sat there and started really, really thinking about what she said to me. I'm sure I was a little hurt and embarrassed at the time, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized. I didn't know that I said sarcastic stuff all the time and I think at that age, I mean I was a teenager. I thought that being sarcastic was funny and cool and it meant that I was clever and smart or something and it never occurred to me that being sarcastic could be a negative thing or that it could be annoying to people. So her saying that to me, even though it hurt my feelings a little bit at the time, was actually pretty life-changing considering the fact that I still remember that one incident today, at least 15 plus years later. And my last tip is related to my HSP motto. Did you know I had a motto? It's "ignolage, accept and adjust." "ignolage that you might be taking the criticism too personally" or "dare I say it" overreacting. Part of acknowledging that I'm taking something too much to heart for me is realizing that I need to give it some time. For all my strong emotions, fear, worry, anger, embarrassment, if I try to distract myself after the incident takes place in way to while, then revisit what it set me later, I'm able to see it so much clearer. It's like the intensity of my emotions are a fog that has cleared after a bit of time has passed. By acknowledging my sensitivity to criticism, I can adjust and better handle it. There's always going to be criticism and difficult things to deal with in life, but learning to let go and handle it in a way where you don't take it to heart as much is a great tool to have. Letting go can help you care less about things, which is actually helpful sometimes. For example, if you get way too stressed out at work, learning to let go and care less is good for you. Alright, let's sum all this up and put it into play. Let's say you have your annual review at work and your boss criticizes your performance. Your first reaction is strong and visceral. Maybe you feel hurt, angry, embarrassed, worried. Remind yourself that you know you have a hard time with criticism and you know that you should give yourself time before freaking out. Acknowledge that time will help you examine what he or she just said to you more clearly. Then after some time has passed, maybe a few hours, think about what was said and whether or not it may be true. If it is true, how can you improve yourself for your work? If the criticism doesn't seem true, examine why your boss said it. Did he or she misunderstand something you did? Is it simply a difference in your personalities? Is there something you could discuss to clear the air and clarify any misunderstanding? So that's how I would approach it. What do you think? What tactics do you use to help deal with criticism? Let me know in the comments at highlysensitiveperson.net/episode3838. And while you're at my website, you can sign up for my twice monthly newsletter to be informed of HSP News, New Blog posts and podcast episodes. And don't forget to check out my new book, A Highly Sensitive Persons Life. Stories and advice for those who experience the world intensely. It's on Amazon for Kindle and Paperback. Thanks so much for listening and see you next week. [Music]