112. H. Foley, Kevin Ryan, Mike Figs | Destruction

all right story warriors before we start today's show you should know that me and big j are always on the road this weekend saturday night september 26th i will be in belmore long island at the brokerage comedy club after that next weekend i'm in rochester new york at comedy at the carlson right after that i'll be in north charleston south carolina at wits end comedy lounge and then we have some pretty amazing gigs we have the comedy mothership 7 30 and 10 p.m on october 28th in austin texas and right after that we're going back to los angeles to the comedy store with two amazing story war shows on november 4th and 5th right before we make our way to skank fest so come check out story wars doing a show every single day at skank fest tickets all available at lewisofskanks.com and you can check me out live on the road bigjcomedy.com for all tickets i have timoni and maryland come up this weekend magubi's comedy club cleveland hilarities after that seattle washington emerald city comedy club first time there then going back to denver colorado rochester new york and of course the comedy mothership as well as we're doing story wars in los angeles the weekend before i'm in brea california at the improv uh skank fest on deck so many fun things coming up check it out bigjcomedy.com fill her up you're listening to the gas digital network Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story Wars! Make some noise for the Story Warriors, BJ Oakerson and Louis Jacobin! Oh, what is up, New York City? Make some fucking noise in here, please. Look at this. Another sold-out show. What is it, like 70 weeks in a row? In this fucking cavernous theater. Theater, eater, eater, eater, eater. Just the people in the nosebleeds. They're too far away to hear. We can't even hear them, dude. They're screaming now. Well, sound doesn't travel that far. Oh, that chick's showing her tits up there. Oh, you're such a slut. Oh, sorry. We have no tits policy. Has anyone ever pulled a tit out at any of our shows? At my shows, yes. No, I don't mean stand-up shows. Yeah, I've had that, too. Because I'm a. I was going to say rapist, but we're going to have to edit that. So, I don't know why I would say that and make our producers job harder. That's the only thing I could think of in that moment. That's a great shirt. Zero points. Never forget. Fuck yeah. Episode 93. Go Big Jay. Episode 93. Hell yeah. Very cool. How many people here are familiar with the game Story Wars? And who is not familiar with the game Story Wars? Miss, get the fuck out of here right now. See, everyone hated your joke, Miss. She's wearing a sunglass inside. She's hiding something. She's uncooked. Nobody cares. Sir, can you smack your. We're going to edit this out, too. Smack your girlfriend in the face. Let her know that she's a. You're already ruining the vibe in here, just so you know. Yeah. Why is she wearing the sunglasses? Is she the. What's she hiding? This guy seemed nervous as fuck next to her. What is their story? Is she uncooked? Are you on cocaine, Miss? Is that what the problem is? Miss, is the drug baggie in your butt breaking? That's why she has to go to the bathroom. I had to go to the bathroom. It was starting to fuck me up. I think it's absorbing. Oh, shit. These heroin balloons are going to burst at any given moment. I have to go to the bathroom. If it's your first time. If it's your first time watching here, your first time listening at home, it's a very simple game that we'll explain to you once we get our amazing panel of comedians up here on the stage. You guys ready for your guests? Our first contestant with an 0-3 record here on Story Wars. You know him from the podcast The Thing Is on Gas Digital. Make some noise for the hilarious Mike Fix. What's up, everybody? Let's fucking go. How are you feeling? Mikey Fix, happy to have you back on the show. Zero wins, three attempts. This could be your last appearance on Story Wars if you don't figure something out. I got to win. I have to do this or else I'm going back to the Olive Garden where I belong. This is it. Make the pressures on. But when you're there, you're family. Goddamn right. And your next competitor coming to the stage, one and two. We have a Story Warrior in the house. You know his podcast, Are You Garbage? Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Kevin Ryan. Yeah. This is great. Thanks for having me. True legend, Story Warrior. How does it feel to come back here in this very cavernous, large comedy club that we. Is that the bit we're doing? Yeah, that's the bit. This is great, great, great, great. Happy to be here. It's my favorite podcast. Oh, thank you very much. It's very nice of you to say. That those two guys do. This is my favorite podcast that those two guys do. Still best out of seven. Yeah, it's true. Best out of seven podcasts we do together. Our final contestant, last but not least, with a record of oh and three as well, joining Figs in the loser's pile. I mean, I think we're feeling like we're in a pretty garbage mood. So why don't we bring out the hilarious H. Foley in the house. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Yeah. Thank you very much. What's happening, baby? Let's go. H. Foley, very happy to have you back. Thank you, sir. You and Kevin obviously do a very popular podcast together. Me and Jay have been podcasting together for the better part of 15 years. Figs, you are at a real disadvantage here. And I work at Ruby Tuesdays, everybody. Still a salad bar, even after COVID. If it's your first time here watching or your first time listening at home, it's a very simple game, Story Wars. All of us on this panel, including Lewis, and I have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject. Tonight's subject, destruction. Wow. What are we talking about, careers, relationships? I got it all, baby. All that shit. All that shit. Alex, our lovely producer, is going to take eight of those stories, and she will read them off one at a time. They will appear here on this screen. If it's your story, you're the only person who knows that. It's your job to make people think it's not your story. And if it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is. Every time. To guess the story correctly, you get two points. Every time you fool a person on the panel, you get one point. So when it is your story, you have an opportunity to get four points. Huge opportunity. Don't squander it. You can get one story, two stories in a row, three stories in a row. You can have zero stories pulled, as we saw Big J episode 93. Zero points. Never forget. I didn't win. He didn't win, but you could also get zero stories pulled. So listen, who knows whose story it's going to be. Once you lock your name right here in on the tablet and slide it over, that's how you lock it in. You can't change it. Once you slide it over, there's no way to do it. You don't have the technology. And I'll tell you right now, this show is so much fun. Even with this annoying woman right here in the crowd, we're going to have so much fun tonight. Jesus Christ. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Put it back. No, not her. Fucking Boston George back there. Oh, sorry. Sorry, sweetheart. We don't play for fun, Jay. Let them know what we're playing for today. Every week here on Story Wars, we are playing for a book from the Story Wars library. This week's winner takes home The Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank. Anne Frank. I have a question. Is this The Diary of Anne Frank? You know her. You love her. I do love her. It is The Diary of Anne Frank. Wow. Before succumbing to typhus at the age of 15 in a concentration camp, Anne documented. Allegedly. Show me the records. Anne documented the two years she spent hiding in an attic under Nazi occupation. Although Anne never lived to see freedom, her story would become known around the world. Shout out to her. Anne Frank. I was in The Diary of Anne Frank when I was in high school. I played Craylor, who was one of the Dutch people that hid the Frank family. You played Hitler. Puerto Rican Hitler. Yeah, yeah. Louise Hitler. That was the play you did? Well, one of the plays that I did. Oh, right. Take it easy. No, this guy never stopped. Fucking Robert Pattinson over here? He's the only actor you could think of. Hey, whatever, George Clooney? A guy that's not famous for plays. Yeah, that was crazy. Matteo Lane was a better insult than that. Anybody in glee. Never watch the show? I believe everybody that's going to get it gets it. If not, you'll pick it up along the way. But this crowd. It looks like they're ready for war. Are you guys ready for war? Let's do it. Let's go. New York Comedy Club. Are you ready for war? Without further ado, Alex, please. Story number one. Story number one. I once ruined a patio by lying and saying I knew how to use a power washer when I didn't. This, I think this is, this is foliar, Kevin. This is. I know how to use a fucking power washer. What are you, nuts? I mean, we know how to turn it. I can figure out how to turn it on, but it seems like something like you guys would think you could do. Well, it's not that hard. I'll just do it. And then, I mean, didn't I just see it? Didn't you, like, did you have an above ground pool and then broke it? I don't know what this has to do with anything. Folks, none of that's true. Kevin's pool is just fine. Didn't you have a grand opening, grand closing on an above ground pool? It was a short summer road down there, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, here's the thing. I don't know how to use a power washer, but I've also never used a power washer, so. Yeah, I haven't used it. I would assume I know how to use it, but then I heard. Yeah, you turn it on and you spray. Yeah, but you know what? I was going to get it, and then I hired somebody to do it because someone told me, yeah, you just got to be careful. If you just get, like, a little bit under the siding, it'll blow your entire fucking wall off. So, I was like, oh, well. You're the big bad wolf. You just put a house made of hay. It's a bunch of sticks. Yeah, you don't want to huff and puff over there. We can get a guy that can do it for you. I assume it's not figs because he probably used a power washer in the last couple of days. That's true. He's cleaning the kitchen floor at Ruby Tuesday. That con queso got everywhere. Yeah, I think Mike hasn't been around a bunch of patios. I've never been near a patio, yeah. I've never had a patio. I've been in a studio apartment since I was one. More of a stoop guy. No, definitely not. That's not me. Patio even feels Philly to me. That's what I would probably say. It seems like an odd job situation. Foley, do you got a patio? I don't have a home. I'm homeless. Thanks for bringing it up. Dickhead. Also, what a way to lie. I've never seen it. He said in the back, I'm homeless. Please don't remind me about it up there. I'm trying to immerse myself in fun. I can say it's for sure. My family owns a construction company. I work as a laborer. That's true. Digging ditches and power washers. Washing and cleaning. This could be very young, though. They brought you when you were young, and you were like, I got this. Plus, you two are sneaky motherfuckers when it comes to this stuff. I didn't know a person that had a power washer. It's not fair that they host and then right away go, I think it's not me. I agree with you guys. Oh, no shit. Really? Two guys that win the game every fucking week? It could be Lewis, but I don't think it is. I believe he's never used a power washer. Maybe I'm wrong about that, but I do think. His people do do manual labor, though. Yeah, but not his people. Maybe that was his first and last day. No, these are the ladies. These are the lazy ones the other people complain about. These aren't the ones that are doing all the jobs we won't do. These are the lazy good-for-nothings. The ones that dance with the Italians on Broadway. Put a baby in anything. But Jay, right off the bat, Jay was like, oh, I never use it. I can't do it. That's kind of like a weird. You went out to the suburbs in the summer, did some work for some people, maybe like somebody. You grew up in South Jersey. No, I didn't grow up there. Or whatever. But I grew up in West Philly, but there was no construction there. But I did in the summers when I grew up. It's not crazy. If I grew up in a construction, I would go. It's a fucking power wash. You're not in a bulldozer. I was never in the union. He's got a hard hat on and a yellow vest. Go local 181. Yeah, look, I'm getting RU Garbage vibes. It really is just about which one of these guys it is. I smell Kevin. Here's the thing. I'm watching Kevin touching his face a lot. I'm seeing him. He's shifting his eyes back and forth. He's got stink finger, dude. I did take a shit right before I came here. Oh, nice. He's taking a little bit. I was just checking. Taking some of it in. Talk about a power washer. I see you've clicked Kevin. You haven't locked in him, but I'm getting a Kevin vibe right now. I like Mr. Oakerson for this. I'm going big J, too. I'm going J. J's a people pleaser. He's going to lie. He'll be like, I got you. Don't worry. Yeah, it doesn't make sense that they immediately just push. It wasn't me. It would be the two guys who'd go, oh, I don't know how to use a power washer. I think I could power wash. I don't know how to use a power washer. I don't know how to use a patio. I would believe I can do that still to this day. I think you also did. J, you also think you could do a backflip if you really tried. No, if I believed I could. Let me explain the theory. A lot of physical things I can't do aren't because I can't do them. It's because when I'm getting ready to do them, I think I can't do them. Therefore, you panic. But if I believed I could, I could do a kip-up right now. You know what I did for the first time? Right on the bucket up my feet. You know what I did for the first time that I've never done physically in my entire life? I've never even attempted it because I was so terrified. You said you're sorry? I like that. Thank somebody for the first time? I dove. You what? I dove. In a bowl? No, into the fucking Mediterranean Sea. Were the cops coming? What are you, a seat? It's Interpol! Quick, dive! This is Louis trying to be relatable. So then I swan dove into the Mediterranean Sea. Yeah, I dove. The salt water cleansed me. Like a little sea bass. I'm good at fucking diving. I can dive. What do you mean, just like dive? I mean, just like dove. Like head first, my arms like that, head first into the water. Is that the first time you've ever done that? Never mind. Every time I've ever attempted it, I would just belly flop and cry. Huh. Really? Yeah. You can dive? Yeah. Shut up. Well, I mean, considering your relatives all swam here. Come on. I would say diving would come natural. You'd be surprised how many of these people you can fit in one inner tube. I'm giving the vote to Kevin Ryan is my answer. I like Big Jay. Big Jay guy. Big Jay is across the board over on the other side of the table. Fuck. Somebody either. I like the tablets. Thank you. I feel like you guys must have signed up for a lot of phone plans, huh? It's a family. It's a family plan. Alex is on 11 phones right now. Figs, you got to put it up there, but Figs is hammered. He's double fisting drinks right now. It's water. It's water. We have all of our answers and three votes for Big Jay, two votes for Kevin Ryan. Alex, who's story was story number one? Story number one belongs to Kevin Ryan. Yes. What? You sneaky bastard. And turkey. You fucking dickhead. This fucking guy. How old were you? This was young. The family construction business. A hundred percent, dude. I was like 11. My dad's like, power wash the patio. I'm like, okay, he came back, fucked that shit up. That's why he left. Yeah, he was not happy about that. It's even sadder. He left when I was 28. He held that resentment. He's been with a fully foreign personality. He's like, I don't like this guy. He held on to that moment for 17 full years. He's like, I'll never forget the day you broke the patio. Yeah, I fucked it up real. How bad did you fuck it up? It's still ruined today. It just turned into a laser beam, and I was just etching stuff in there. You're drawing swastikas. It'll fucking break. It'll chip at fucking concrete. Well, it just takes the top layer off, so it was all just squiggly lines. It was brand new, too. Did your dad beat the shit out of you? He didn't. He beat the shit out of your mom because he? Yes. And then he left, and they broke up. I don't know why we keep bringing that up. I don't know why we keep bringing that back up. I was told I was going to have a good time. Invited guest. What the fuck? You got yourself a couple points. You got reminded of one of your biggest traumas. There you go. Alex, where are our points at? All right. In first place, tied with two points each, Luis J. Gomez, Big J. Oakerson, and Kevin Ryan. Whoa. Look at that. The menage a trois. That feels good. Alex, story number two. What's the story? What's the story? What's the story? What's the story? Story number two. When a bunch of my belongings got destroyed, a family member tried to save all of my pornography. Pornography? Jay, why did you say pornography is like a word you've never heard before? This is your story. You want pornography? I would just say porn or porno. Pornography is so fucking fancy. This is Jay in the flood. And his wife saved his porn or something. Oh, very good. No. He was too old. He didn't own pornography. The internet, when the flood happened, it was Hurricane Katrina. That was internet. Katrina? It was Andy. Sandy. What do you think? I'm a black person in New Orleans? No, no. I'm sorry. Sandy. Sandy. Sheesh. I was on my roof saying, "There's dead inside." Hold on. Jay sitting in the Superdome with a bunch of copies of Black Tail magazine? Yeah. Somebody saved "Booty Tales 3." Don't let that shit go now. Come on now. Motherfucking ebony goddesses. Three exes. Three exes. Three exes. Three exes. Three exes. Three exes. Three exes. Three exes. Oh, shit. That's a King magazine floating down the river. Huh. I mean, look. Every time there's porn in a story, my mind immediately goes to Big Jay. That's fair. Yeah. But who has a sibling, a brother, that would save this? Lewis' sister isn't going to save you. No. My sister's destroyed my porno magazines before. Nobody said sibling. They said family member. Yeah. Pops is saving the porno? Who said brother first? Pop, pop. That was Figs? Yeah. Figs gave it away. This isn't me. I had a computer. I'm 36 years old. Fuck. I had LimeWire. I had Napster. That makes sense. I had porn on my PSP. But what event, a bunch of my belongings got destroyed. That's a natural disaster of some sort. Or bed bugs. Right? You got to throw out the whole bed. I guess it's destroyer stuff. Yeah. It's not me, guys. Look, Jay did have, there was a flood in his old place. Fuck my world up. But once again, he didn't have porn that would have had to be saved. That's crazy. He owns porn now, for sure. There's some sort of physical pornography in your home. You got no hard copies? Not a one. Huh. I have a couple porno magazines. Really? Oh, I guess I've got classic Playboys. So, yes, that's pornography. I have a classic Playboy. Sure. He's lying to me, you dickhead? So, I guess you were right. This is about the dad comment. I'm a little peeved. Why do you have old Playboys? Just ones that fans have sent, because there are ones like Barbra Streisand's and one. Is she? Fans. Babs gets naked? No, she doesn't. A voice like that? No, she doesn't. Latoya Jackson, downtown Julie Brown. Okay. China? I still got China's Playboys. Well, I would have the China Playboys, but now you can watch. I thought you were Mr. Fucking LimeWire over here. But it got ruined in a flood. You can watch China. Well, that was a collectible, Henry. You can watch China. I'm going to get an anal gangbang now by porn stars who act like wrestlers. So, I would save that if it was in a fire. Is that on Tubi or? I mean, look, this has to be old school. This has to be. Figs is too young. This isn't going to be Figs. Figs never had hard porn. I had plenty of videotapes, magazines. It's my generation, 44 years old. Jay used to love porn. The reason I'm going to vote for Big Jay here, I don't know what the thing that destroyed his thing was, but I just know that. This was like an emotional moment where he really like loved that family member. Yeah. He was like, "Thank you so much for trying." It says try. This would humiliate me. You think so? Yeah. Well, my vote's for Big Jay anyway. That's fine. Jay, can this be Lewis? I don't know if Lewis had many belongings growing up. Either did his neighbors. His belongings might have been bedbugs. I would heard this story if it was recent. Not the boys. From a long time ago, I don't know why his stuff would be destroyed. Yeah, I'm getting Mike Figs vibes. I'm going Jay. I'm basing this off. I know Jay's physical property has been destroyed, and he is a weird porn guy. So those are two pretty good. Weird? It's Barbra Streisand. She's a national treasure. Fucking goddamn Jewish share. Celine Dion porn over here. Fuck, my instinct is Big Jay, but I don't know. Dude, I mean. H, but Foley is just. Nobody thinks it's Foley, right? Nothing. I mean, Foley, you like a little penthouse. I got it all up here, baby. Yeah, he's more of a chatter bait kind of guy. Shout out to it. According to our corporate credit card statements. That's a joke. I'm going to regret this, but I'm going Foley. All right, buddy. I know I'm going to regret it, but I just don't. It's too obvious. Jay and Lewis. It's Mikey Lewis, you rat. Lewis's family's dead. I don't know. That's a good point. Who would have got his stuff? No family. Too obvious. Good power washer kid. Maybe it was Foley. I always wink at Jay now, and he thinks it's me. It bums him out so much. I hate it. Alex, all of our answers are in. Story number two belongs to Big Jay. Whoa. So obvious. Guys, that's one of Big Jay's tells. If it's porn in the story, it's Big Jay. Everybody here has watched pornography. We don't cherish it as much as you. No, I didn't cherish it either. Who was it? I never cherish it. Was it the flood? It is Hurricane Sandy. Oh, it was. And what happened was, no. So do you remember Yoshi Obayashi, whatever it is? The comedian who-- Yeah, of course. He worked as a porn editor or something. So when he would show up, he would bring you stacks of DVDs. Japanese porn? No. With the tentacles and calamari and shit? The evil angel he worked for or something? It didn't matter. It was just easy to see. It was like burnt CD ROMs, but there were stacks of them. And then I got from-- I still had the Girls Gone Wild videos and stuff. And just like a porn that me and my ex-wife bought at one point, like on DVD that-- Huh, didn't work out, huh? No. But there was like, probably all together, there was probably like 30 discs and a few of them in boxes. And when the flood hit, it destroyed everything. And I was kind of like, you know, I was finally like, get FEMA in here to suck all this shit straight to hell. But my mother-in-law, whose house it was, ultimately, one day we came home and she was just like, no, we're going to save as much as we can. And she just made the backyard like a fucking drying facility for everything. Oh my god. And on a fucking card table, she had open like books. It was like black cock, white twat, 55. Open like this, trying to dry out the disc. She was like, oh, no, we can throw this all away. It's not a big deal. Jason, I saved your files. Oh, no. She's an old Colombian woman. She goes, it was things that were yours I tried to fix them. My daughter is not good enough for you? Oh my god, just seeing that like black cock, white honeys, like 17, just sitting like that on the bed. I go, oh, we don't have to have these. It's fine. I'd say goodbye to these already. I love that you're holding the book open while you say black cock. Like if little Anne Frank was writing-- Chapter 7. No. Because it's a DVD case she had open, sitting like open books. It was crazy. Oh. Oh. Oh. There's pictures with the Hirie Van Frank, everybody. Oh, is that a blow bang? This is when she met the girls from The View. Oh. Wait. I thought she was blind. Is that Jerry Lewis walking her into the ovens? Jesus. Silly one, Hitler in the shower. Yeah, Hitler giving fucks. He's fucking-- he's giving fucking-- he's giving gravity years to mangle him. He's doing the heart, the-- how do you do that? Hold on. Fish in love. I can't do like the new-- no, this is our way. The way the chicks do it now. Say, look. No, that's not it. You're old. This. This. Yeah, it's this one. Hold on. That's that gay guy right there. Yeah, that's the gay-- he was just doing this. That's clocked. You're fucking weird. There we go. Alex, two stories down. Where are our points at? Aw. All right. And first place tied with four points each. Luis J. Gomez, Big J. Woo. That wasn't a bad round. Couple of story warriors leading the pack. We're just waiting for our pitch, Fegs. We're just waiting for our pitch. Hell yeah, baby. We got this. Hey, story warriors. Guess what? Football is finally back. And our friends over at Prize Picks are bringing out their best offer yet. New users who sign up are going to get $150 in lineups if you win your first $5 lineup. What a deal. What a payoff. And Prize Picks is now available nationwide. What are you waiting for? Lock in for kickoff because everyone and everything is on Prize Picks. It's a very simple app to use. The concept is very easy. 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stack of adaptogens and nootropics it sacks perfectly with body brain coffee or any coffee for that matter we're doing this crazy deal right now if you buy both if you want to try both okay go to bodybraincoffee.com uh use the promo code wars gift w-a-r-z-g-i-f-t if you purchase both the coffee and the creamer we're giving you 10 off and and we're giving you a free gift we have a great mug and we have a great frother a hand blender that you can use to blend your coffee and creamer uh to make it as smooth as can be um absolutely free and 10 off both the coffee and the creamer so go there right now body brain coffee.com grab both the coffee and the creamer use that promo code wars gift to save 10 off plus you get a free gift of either the mug or the frother all right where were we story number three story number three i once keyed a stranger's car after the driver talked shit to me and my girlfriend lois yeah can we just do it it can be a fast one theoretically because i do think this is lewis because in my mind i would do this and it's not me so it's lewis these are the things that bind us we're not connected on a lot of things but this kind of behavior i will say a hundred percent and that's why i do i my instinct is big j because this is something that you would do something i would do here's the thing i would never key someone's car because i would assume that there would be a camera that could see me and i would get fucking arrested for it well the last time i did i didn't even think twice about that for all we were in a fucking the last time you did it so you have multiple times yeah he was talking shit to me and my girlfriend never talking shit it was like somebody that did something in the fucking car or whatever i used i used to fucking drill people when they would park and block in my driver's door like completely i'm so pay attention to parking to make sure i don't block people i'll pull out 50 times i go idiot to make sure i give them space to open their door not hit my and when people just do just pull up right next to my door i'm like oh i'm gonna hold a key out like this and i'm gonna slide into my door and i'm whatever hits your car i guess hits your car that's uh sociopathic yeah watch where you park psychotic i mean interesting i don't know that this could be anybody else but the last time but the last time it happened was uh at a long island jewish when we were there for an ultrasound for my 23 year old daughter now hell yeah wait what what when she was frank what she was in her mom's stomach oh oh that many years i was like what isabella's pregnant no that's crazy she is half hispanic so i mean wow so she will 23 23 she's about two years away from being a fucking colombian abuela foley foley you voted for mike figs why are you thinking mike figs i don't know you're you're too obvious jay's convincing me what she could be lying i've done it but this is not me i could just see i see yeah i couldn't see young figs doing this i'm a good catholic boy i'm a nice guy it's true it's true you have to have rage to do something if driver talks shit to uh lewis and his girlfriend that'd be too obvious but it's also lewis isn't like the i'm gonna wait and then keep like lewis would get in yeah lewis would just beat the guy up well that's exactly a great point like i would just start talking shit back if it's a great point and it's you i'm gonna i might hit you a little please it's not i mean please vote for me if you want but i will tell you i'm not going to work the world if you just gave me a he goes yeah you know me i'm all fucking action baby i don't play around like this thanks jay that's a real passive aggressive pussy shit over here i know like some real fucking momo would do where's my jay oh i can't vote for myself the keyword once i once keyed so jay's like i've done it multiple times lewis has anger problems you know what i don't drive this could be foley you don't hold on wait a minute i don't drive i don't have to drive to key somebody's car it doesn't say anything about driving you gotta have key you have to have you have to have keys though you gotta have keys though you have a house key yeah but by the way also i don't have keys i don't have keys i don't have keys either but this could have happened no key i have a little bleeper bleeper yeah but this was back in the day when you were a fucking that's not what what do you have a ufo a bleeper a bleeper that's like when a four-year-old shits his pants i get a bleeper that's easy what are you autistic is that a fake key for a fake car it's just a piece of wood it's my bleeper what do you call it a fucking uh fob fob i call it a bleep a bleep blurp i mean i don't think foley has dude foley was a fucking drug addict at one point nah foley's a big bitch from philly but you're being a bit this is kind of a bitch move what are you bringing up old shit for that was last summer dickhead this isn't like an aggressive person but this is kind of a bitch move this is kind of a bitch move this is kind of a bitch move this is kind of like a passive aggressive move because you're not looking for confrontation well thank you for the compliment i wish this is louis now louis is the heat got on louis he's trying to push the heat and be like it's it's it's too obvious please i've realized in this game and i've been playing this game for over 100 episodes vote for me don't get the points i don't give a fuck this is the last act of a desperate man oh yeah he always says either way i'm in your car call me a drug addict i'm gonna go in my mind because i feel like this is me that i would say it's louis but again just the way the patience of waiting for the moment where the person's not around and you can destroy his belongings i don't know why that's slapping h foley to me i'm going louis locked in i'm going i'm going foley too i'm getting foley but dude this could be a big j two in a row could be i want i want i'm so sorry i'm going to go with louis i'm going to go with louis i'm sorry fo i'm sorry i'm trusting my instincts which says big j two in a row this seems too much like big j i just hope it's not obvious if it's obvious i'm alex all of our answers are in who wants key to stranger's car story number three belongs to louis j you fucking bitch dude it's so louis what the fuck i was like this is a real pussy ass bitch move only a bitch ass little bitch pussy would do something like this dude louis just mind fuck all of them you feeble little minded bitches you fucked me louis you fucked me i'll tell you what happened fucking puerto rican mind tricks so this is when i was dating uh natalie cuomo who's a comedian here and she's like a what this is she's like a skinny like just very like kind of frail chick she's not like a fighter at all and it wasn't a guy it was a fish i love how that's how you identify your girlfriend she wasn't a fighter at all she goes do you know what i mean my chick was such a fucking pussy it was crazy look she just wasn't so we got out of the car at the mall and for some reason these three black chicks just started jawing at her and it's like this is the reason why this happened because i can't oh because she had uh final solution tattooed across her neckline so uh on anne frank day please jesus jesus um no it was it was three it was three give her a little smooch it was three chicks so i couldn't be aggressive with them you could not really i mean i'm not gonna fuck that's the best no three fucking fat black chicks equals one white dude three-fifths of a hispanic so yeah she and you know natalie was kind of like just like looking down these black chicks were like yeah fuck you you white bitch fuck it literally for no reason they just started jawing at her so then i watched them get out of that a really nice car like a lexus or something they got out they walked into the mall and then i went and i did have a key at the time and i went over to the car and i just went like all around it the entire length of the car and then i was like all right that's how you deal with that and then he put on his sombrero and went lewis has gotten you take that nissan ultima yeah so that was that all right damn oh wow lewis that was a good round that was a great job lewis alex three stories points at all right in last place with zero points each all right mike fizz h foley yeah right we got plenty of time foley we got plenty of time baby game's a puppy the game's a puppy plenty of time i got about two weeks left oh no i don't know what you're talking about me too we have a lot to come in third place with four points big jay okerson yay in second place with six points we'll take away a point for that kevin ryan Stop it, stop it. And in first place with seven points, Luis J. Gomez. There you go. It's been a while since I've won. I need to fucking get a victory tonight. Alex, boo. I need to get a victory, me. Nobody wants to hear your shit. I gotta win. Alex, story number four. Can you tell us a little more about the prize? You're damn right I can. The winner takes home a diary of a young girl, which picks up when Anne gets candid about her sexuality. Ooh. Wait, what? Really? There's pictures. I didn't know that. She does. There's a sex scene in the Anne diary. Her changing body and the first kiss she shares with her addict mate, Peter. Evidently, there are some forces even Nazis can't contain. Ah! Now that's a porno you say Take it home Read it Burn it alive Oh how I longed for Peter It's so hot in this attic Oh my god Peter take off your trousers Oh my god They're so loud Why do they wake up so early They caught most of us Sounds like Peter Was in the pick of the litter The guns and the Bippin and the bappin There's so much There's so much dander There's so much dander up here She turned into Cosby At the end With your zoopin and your zoppin And your bippin And your holocaust And your ju-burn And your zippin And your boppin And your zoopin Oh Peter Six million is a little bit Of an exaggeration But Oh It was definitely A substantial number That cut into the population We love that mess Alex Story number four Story number four I wanted to use My family member's Brand new massage chair But I couldn't find the plug Instead I used an identical cord From my Nintendo The massage chair Started to smoke And catch on fire I was hit that night This seems like A Foley origin story I was hit a lot You got that beautiful hair Family massage chair Is very garbage Very garbage Very garbage But that's like money They're expensive Yeah you need money They are expensive And it would be like You know Three grand for a massage chair But it's almost like A fucking garbage check Sure It's like They make it expensive And if you buy it It goes That's You got some money And this is what you spend it on It's like getting a hot tub Also Well hang on You see You see Or a sauna You see an external hot tub Is usable all year round But a massage chair So is a massage chair Let me tell you about a hot tub Figs are your parents Still together No So did you have a stepdad Very late When I was 18 Wait But your dad left your mom And you had a relationship with him Where my stepdad You go to visit your father Father Yeah yeah yeah Did he have a massage chair Dad should have a massage chair No Either a single dad Or a stepdad There's no fucking way Did he get remarried Did he get remarried Your dad Kind of Technically Technically no He held a girl hostage No He's with another lady Had a kid But they never married But Figs is only 36 Why would he have a Nintendo Could have been a 64 Could have been a 64 It doesn't matter 36 is pretty My first Nintendo was super good Super Nintendo And I had Batman and Donkey Kong It just does say Nintendo Which is a context clue This could be They don't want to date themselves Who's getting a massage I think a massage chair Probably does line up more With a Super Nintendo cord Instead of a regular Nintendo cord Very good Yeah that's when they all Super Nintendo Like they would come out Guys let's go back to headquarters And reconvene Massage Here's the thing Everyone on this Everyone on this panel tonight Is hot trash And we could do a little We could easily have A family member With a brand new massage chair That's the truth Except for me Because my family was Well here goes Lewis again So wildly This is the fucking bleeper technique This could be true Let me tell you something Everybody got a massage chair My family was Section 8 welfare My mom was He's not wrong Yeah you could go to PC Richards And they'll give you A fucking massage When I saw a massage chair You probably stole it From the mall Yeah I have You gotta put a dollar in it I have the rare perspective Of seeing this young man Maybe in his first Massage chair Backstage Conan O'Brien I showed up With an entourage Came in three seconds I showed up With an entourage Including Lewis J. Gomez And Kimberly Congdon And when I saw I looked over At one point In the common area Of the green room There was two Massage chairs They're fucking on them Lewis Lewis was stretched out On one I mean stretched out And blocking Walking pathways And I was Appalled So I went to go tell Kim Congdon, God damn, why do you love this fucking complete savage animal? And I go, I couldn't find her. I go, hey, where's Kim? And they go, in the other massage chair, completely laid out. Blocking Andy Sandberg from getting into his dressing room. It was the first time he saw a massage chair. It blew his fucking mind, and it wasn't this situation. This is H fucking Foley. Okay. Final answer. No, dude, no way his Foley's family had a fucking fucking. Also, Foley's a big boy. Foley's not fitting in a massage chair. I know Foley's mom. There's no way. What the fuck is this? I wasn't fat as a kid. Actually, I was. No, dude. Folks, I'm lying. I was fat as a kid. That's not true. You were a fucking solo boy band. Yeah. He was all five of them. He was Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky, and Mike. Boom bop, motherfucker. Yeah. Kevin, do you play. What's the first console you had? Do you play. Are you a video game guy? No. My Nintendo would have, like, was 64. Would have been N64. The first Nintendo you had was an N64? Like, did I. I mean, I'm sure. I had Sega before that. I don't. I mean, I'm sure we had the regular Nintendo, but I was probably a little too young. Yeah, I never had Nintendo. I had Sega. And Jay, I know you like sports games. What's the first sports video game you played? Tecmo Bowl, probably. Unless you consider Pong. I'm old. Now, Jay. Pong is crazy. If you want to get your pussy eaten by a man who was around for the Reagan administration. I mean, me and Lewis have played. I don't know. I don't know. My instinct was Lewis, but now I feel like Foley, but I did Foley four times. This has to be Foley. Please. Please be Foley. This is Figgs going on hard defense here. I think this guy's. He was quiet the whole time. Now he's like, Kevin, what was your Nintendo game? Something's fishy. I think this is Kevin Ryan. We're all ignoring Kevin Ryan. Dude, Kevin didn't get hit, dude. He was treated like a prince by us. Were you hit when you were bad? No. My brother got it real bad, and then I just towed the line. Nice, dude. You're like, oh my God, my brother made me do that. Go hit your favorite whipping post. Wait, I thought you said your dad hit your mom after the power washer. Yeah. He didn't hit me. No, he hit your mom because of you. Touche. Yeah, no, it's not me. It's Figgs. I think Kevin's stalling to vote last, and I think that's why. He looks very happy. It's not me, I swear. I'm going Figgs. Oh, fuck. Oh, be Foley. Come on. Come on. Come on, Foley. If Foley had a massage chair, and we've been doing this for a long time, and we've been doing RU Garbage for the last six years, and this is the first I'm hearing about it, there's no more podcast. If you're genuinely garbage, you don't think that's a garbage part of your life. You think that's when you guys were living the high life. Yeah, he thinks that's the coolest part of his life, which he also brags about. Yeah, I would have bragged about it. No, we weren't garbage back then. We had a massage chair. Yeah, in our above-ground pool. With a remote control attached by two cords. Yeah, that never made any sense. All of our answers are in. Whose story was story number four? Story number four belongs to. Figgiesnake. Fuck. Mike Figg. Fuck! Let's go! Thank you, Figgs. I got some points on that, too. Yeah, you did. You guys nailed it. Jay, you nailed it. No, I didn't. I said Foley. No, no, no. But at one point, you said that this is a guy who spends his money, gets money. My dad could have got me an education. Instead, he would go to the sharper image and he would just buy bullshit. So this wasn't even a real massage chair. It was a. He goes, you didn't get to go to college, but you got a gyroscope? Yeah. I had the first drone that couldn't even fly. He bought this thing that went over the couch. Oh, it was a pad for your recliner? And it had the exact same plug as the Super Nintendo. So one day, one of my dumb aunts was like, I want to get a massage. And so I took the plug from the Nintendo because I couldn't find it. I plugged it in. The fucking massage chair got possessed. It was on fire. Electric happened. It was dead. My father came home from work. He found out and he beat me with Hot Wheel Tracks. Oh wow How I envy you My family couldn't afford Hot Wheel Tracks My Hot Wheel Tracks were the Fucking tables Hot Wheel Tracks stung like a motherfucker Yeah bro they made a crazy sound I still hear it I wish I could have been beaten with Hot Wheel Tracks Now trust me He would take like five of them together My mom would shove micromachines into my throat Oh that's wild Welcome back to the comedy podcast everybody Are you sad? My father raped me Let's do some plugs My dad boofed micromachines into me We're halfway through the show We will at this time Do some quick plugs with our guests Before we get into our second half of the show Gang we have a brand new RU Garbage special Coming out September 13th Called RU Garbage Called Garbage America No Yes it is American Garbage King of the plugs Let's think about those Hot Wheel Tracks And Figs Hot Ant American Garbage on our YouTube page September 13th Yes And we're also having a brand new tour that starts up in October Amazing Yeah We're going to Philly, Appleton, Wisconsin, San Diego, San Jose, Atlanta, Fort Wayne, Indiana, Phoenix, Baltimore, Albany Providence, Springfield, Columbus, all the A markets A lot of Greenvilles Mike Figgs Check out the Thing Is podcast Ding here on Gas Digital Network With me and Shannon We always have a great time And September 26th Dallas Comedy Club I'm doing my first hour there Let's fucking sell that Let's go Thanks Let's have a good fucking time Let's go Let's go You taping? No this is my first headline Yeah it's going to be rough You got your shift covered already? I got it I got it I got it Big J BigJComedy.com for all my dates I'm all over the place Looking for a seat near you Over there BigJComedy.com Listen to the bonfire Five days a week Faction Talk Sirius XM 103 With me and the great Robert Kelly And of course Legion of Skanks The flagship show right here Gas Digital Oh yeah Shout out to the Skanks Oh watch the Kevin Hart roast Why not? There we go It's still there Come see me live on the road guys LewisofSkanks.com Check out all the other pods that I do And subscribe to Gas Digital That's the most important thing That you can do If you love the show We do an uncensored And ad free version of the show It comes out every Monday night So you guys can get a pre-release If you watch this on YouTube Or anywhere else There's bleeps And there's ads And there's all that other stuff You can watch it before it goes Anywhere else Without any of that Plus you get the on demand library There's a bunch of episodes That are no longer available To the public So go subscribe And go listen to the entire History of the show And you can see Story Wars Three separate times At Skankfest in November November 13th or 15th Get your tickets at Skankfest.com Shout out to Yo Kratom For making it all possible Buy my book Knives and Spoons Available on Amazon And barnesandnobles.com And God bless America Let's go Yeah Let's go Well if it's official We're at the second half of the show We have four more stories to go And from the score Some of us are feeling Pretty shitty about ourselves Some of us might be feeling That we came as a waste of time And we should just leave now And cut our losses But I promise you This is still anybody's game Because for the final four stories Kevin why don't you tell them What happens I'm not familiar Double pull Let's go Let's go You get a foam You get a foam Hell you get a foam baby I'm literally taking this back from her Because she didn't care at all No she waved it She didn't want it No no no I threw it And then she went She went That's hilarious When you give it to someone Who doesn't want it Here we go dude You can take it It's a pretty simple concept Before if you fooled somebody You got one point If you guessed somebody correctly You got two points That now jumps up To double points That's 18 points Let's go Thank you Roots Let's go The Roots are here every week Off camera She was like Yo fuck that shit I don't want that shit She literally She was like Get this butt ass shit out of here What the fuck She got excited for the Roots Roots are where I go Let me get another high noon It is motherfucker They're playing from An underground bunker They do it for the love We can't afford them But they do it for the love We can't afford them But they love this show so much Questlove and the gang Yep Are in the room They're under the stage Like an orchestra pit You guys can't see What's not about them They're just the vibologists For this fucking party Alright I think we're ready to jump back Into the second half Alex Let's do it Do me a favor Slap us with story number five Story number five I had to take a shit In a funk slash soul club once In that bathroom I destroyed the bowl Let my pants sit In someone else's piss And Got my T-Mobile sidekick Stolen Dude this is Well well well big man That sounds like a fun night I wish it was me A sidekick? So here's the thing I know Big J used to have a sidekick When we became friends That's his phone I did have a sidekick Sure Big J doesn't like Taking public shits But also this story Could be standing out Because he remembers This is one of the public shits That he might have taken At the funk soul club Sure Yeah Well No the reason That's where he met the roots Hey would you guys be part of my Black Thought stole my phone Okay Tony Tony McGuire The roots are stealing my phone Big J started Never mind I found it He started in the black comedy circuit He could have easily done Shout out to the Laugh House In a funk and soul club At one point Sure That's fair At first I thought It wasn't fair But then when you said it Completely I was like Lewis can I ask you a question? Please Do you have to tell me the truth or no? No Okay No Can you? What a weird game this would be Hey dude Would you do me a solid And just tell me the truth On this one? This is the shittiest Shortest game we've ever Did you ever Did you ever own a sidekick? Never owned a sidekick I went Blackberry To Android To iPhone What was the Android? Yeah it was Android Android for a long time I was on Boost Mobile I think I was sidekick To Blackberry To iPhone To throw a wrench in the mix I also had a sidekick Yeah I also had a sidekick No way Sidekick slide I had the slidekick That's what we called it How you doing? What did mine do? Mine like flipped You lost yours You had the original sidekick Where you just go He flipped it I remember we were on set For a show We were on set for Z-Rock That's me And Jay Jay is always Also this is The blackest story ever It is a black story Shit I was at the Lenny Kravitz concert And I Foley already said me Shit Somebody gave me Too much Sazerac rice And I fucking Shit my goddamn pants In the motherfucking shit Yeah we were on set On Z-Rock A show that Big Jay was on And Big Jay Once again Jay's literally Since before Jay was not famous at all Like we would go do gigs With ten people in the crowd He would show up With five openers It was fucking insane It was fucking insane I had to get everybody on He used to show up With more openers Than there was audience members On the late show I like having friends He did And I remember One time On a sidekick There was like a porn chick That was like invited She was a pretty famous porn chick Invited to be on the show It was Z-Rock And then we were literally On his sidekick Stormy Daniels Watching her porn Watching her porn And as she was acting And we kept on being like Oh look Krista Ann Krista Ann Krista Ann Krista Ann Krista Ann Penthouse Penthouse Now Did she do double Penetration? No Thank you Roots The Roots have done Double penetration This has to be Jay Four people got that This has to be Sure Sidekick Funk Soul Club Yeah There's eleven people On this stage Just so they had a sidekick Yeah but who's Who's gonna take a shit But you're not gonna take a shit Jay's not Jay's not I've taken a shit Had to He went into a funk soul I also This is crazy This is like This is super close To a story I do I swear to God On Samson Street I went in Is it a funk soul club? Yes Yeah What were they playing? It was like Baby you can do it Take your time Do it right You can do it baby Do it tonight I'm pretty sure The guy that was in the stall Before me Was jerking off And then I had to go in After It was not great Are you telling us The story right now? No that's what I'm saying It's great This has to be Jay though This also could be The origin story Of why Jay doesn't Like to shit in public Well I think My take is This was my My experience He That was where he had to go I couldn't go It was like an emergency It was like I have to go shitting When I learned I was afraid of shitting It was before I could Enter a funk soul club This isn't me or Lewis I had to shit In a trans bar once That sucked The men's toilet Was clogged And then I went With cum No No With shit And the women's one Was clogged too And then the owner The owner told me He goes It was his gay night, the owner goes, go in the women's bathroom. Every night's gay night. He goes, go in the bathroom. He goes, go in the women's bathroom. No one's in there. And then I went in there, and there was people in there. Trans people sucking guys' dicks. In where I would have to shit. Nice. I just left. And went to a fung soul club. Where the gays are not allowed. I held it until I got to New York. I'm getting a Foley vibe or a Big J vibe. The only reason I'm thinking Foley is because. Never had a sidekick. He voted for Big J very, very quickly. You got a sidekick sitting next to you right now. I'm the slidekick. Yeah. You know, but he voted very quickly for Big J. Wow, this is tough. Fung soul, Big J, but the fact that you kind of told us the story. That's why I told it because it's crazy. And then at the end, we're all like, oh, but you told us. I mean, I'm not. That's crazy. That's like diabolical. That's my strategy almost every time. I don't think. Yeah, no, that's crazy. I don't think Figgs was probably of Fung Soul Club age when he had his sidekick. He just sang the song. When the sidekick was out, it was like, what? Nearly 20 years ago. I probably had that same phone in 2010. So. No, it's even earlier than that, dude. The slidekick. The slidekick came out later. Yeah, I had the flip. The one that the screen flipped around. Figgs was in high school when he had the sidekick. Yeah. I even had. I had the next tell when I was a freshman. Foley threw the fucking. And then I had a sidekick when I was. Foley threw the fucking hammer at me. I think it's him. This is crazy. Smart man, Jay. Smart man. You would know this. You would know the answer to this. I don't know what a Fung Soul Club is. I know Foley doesn't have a fucking sidekick. Again, I would have picked up on that. None of us do now. I would probably still have it. Big Jay is my answer. Everyone votes Big Jay. Fuck. Is that Big Jay? I wonder why. He's the greatest dancer. This sucks dick for somebody real bad. Trying to think of more Fung Soul songs. And his name is Jason Ogerson. Alex Figgs, you just got so many points, probably. Alex, whose story was story number five? Is it fake? No. No. Story number five belongs to Big Jay Ogerson. Yay! I can't buy a bucket. All right. The spinners were playing. Everything was going haywire. My father, who I'm not close to, was in town. And we had a weird thing. And then, I don't know, we had shots or something. And I had to shit beyond waiting until I got home. So I went into the Cafe Wa next door to the cellar, which is the Fung Soul Club. And I went in their bathroom. And I pulled my pants down and I went to the bathroom. So I hated it that I had to do this at all. But I sat there and I went. Then I realized before I pulled my pants up that when I pulled my pants down, they're just down between my legs in a puddle of somebody else's piss all over the floor. That sucks. So I wiped my ass and get the fuck out of there as fast as possible, realizing I left my sidekick behind. When I went back five minutes later to get it stolen already, gone from the fucking bathroom. Ain't that a bitch? No. It's the fucking West Village. It's your piece of shit city. Go, birds. Go, birds. Go, Knicks, New York. Come on. What are we doing? Sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry. That's all right. Week one, dude. That's going to be awkward when you guys get your rings and get housed. It's going to be weird. So what song was played? Do you remember any of the music at all? A little fucking. No, that's the sound his butt was making. Yeah. Who gets diarrhea from shots? No, I have no idea. Probably play that funky music, White Boy, by Wild Cherry. All right. But yeah, it was just, everything went ahead. I was like so awkward. I was like so happy my dad was like leaving. And I'm like, okay, that awkward's over, but I got to go to the bathroom. And I'm going to have to do it in public. This is crazy. But they have private individual stalls at the Cafe Wa. So I went in there and looked at it. The walls are also paper mache with like old porn. Which is like, what's the point here? He's trying to fucking tear it off the wall. Yeah. He's like, Schindler, I got to save it. Yeah. Really? That was a good reference. Thank you. At the end of the movie, Schindler kept looking at all of his belongings and saying that if he sold them, that could have been one more Jew. Which is the reason why when I go shopping now, I give whatever price it is in saved Jews possibility. So I'll be like, do you know what's fucking crazy? I used to be able to get a fucking McDonald's value. meal for three bucks. Now it would cost me two Jews. That's double Jews? Double Jews. That song is not funk soul. No. But can I tell you something? My grandmother, rest her soul, would be moved that I knew at least the tune of the song. That's fun. Alex, where are points at? Alright. In last place with four points. Big J. How the fuck did that happen? That's good for a guy like you. I don't give a shit. But you had to take one. I'm a football guy. Alex. Tied for third place with six points each. Mike Figgs and Henry Foley. Yeah. You guys are in the game now. Good company. In second place with 11 points. Louis J. Gomez. Uh-oh. Lou-lou-lou-lou-lou-lou-lou. And in the lead with 12 points, Kevin Ryan. Kippy! That's my boy! That's my boy right there! Man, I love double points. Thank you, Roots. Featuring Mystic Soulchild. You see how fun that would have been if you had the fucking. double points foam finger? You didn't even give a shit! Also, can I go on record as a storyboard? Can we add double Jew to be a recurring bit? Yes. There you go. That guy in the back said yes, so it's happening. Yeah, that is our guy. That's our executive producer. Alex, story number six. Story number six. My cousin's girlfriend gave me and my sibling two expensive car replicas and we smashed them to pieces. The next time she came over, we had to pretend that we couldn't find them. What? What? What type of fucking lunatic would do that? A crazy-ass. Lewis is already off to the start. Lewis is already off to his fucking bullshit. He gave it away, Mr. King! Lewis! Lewis doesn't have cousins! What are you talking about? He's Puerto Rican. He has his rooms as cousins. He can't even lie. You have 14 cousins in New Jersey? He can't even lie his way out of this. He's like, they're everywhere. I said he had no cousins. He said non-stop cousins. Jay, in the town you live in, I specifically have 14 cousins. Oh, yeah, then here. That's Lewis. Lock it in. Let's go. That's Lewis. You idiot! You idiot! Lewis, you stink! Lewis! Lewis! Lewis! Lewis! Lewis! Lewis! This is you and your stupid sister. Two things. Two things. Baruch atai Adonai. Eloheinu malulachem. Fiddler on the roof. Fiddler on the roof. Like, the story is. No, I didn't vote. Sorry, sorry. Oh, yeah. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. You guys are all dumb fucking jerk-off idiots. Because you. And I mean this. You just gave. You let somebody clean the fuck up. I'm having fun. Good. You let somebody clean up right now. You killed the round. There's no riffing. There's no questions. Because it's. Why did you tell me you have so many cousins when I thought you had none? This is the source of your lies. Damn, I wish I knew what Barbra Streisand. Sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sick of that shit. Because we got nothing to be guilty. I'm trying to get points here. Oh, Barbra Streisand. Let's see. It's not Jay. What? No, the word cousins. I go Puerto Rican. Figs is part Puerto Rican. I'm here. But I don't tell anybody. That's a kept. I'm Italian. What are car replicas? That's the one thing. you like build you built so someone must have built this car kit and then fucking they broke it after they put all that time into building it unbelievable damn this might be fake you guys are fucking morons so quickly for no like for nothing because one idiot in the back who's on who's on crank we have a crank i don't care about the fucking crank guy i asked you i said lewis has no cousins he goes i got non-stop cousins that's all i needed that was crazy well you led me in that direction no i didn't you fed me it you told him you got like 19 cousins i saw you do it off mic you guys i'm dead off mic you did it off mic shit i probably have 40 fucking cousins ew ew ew use a condom son of a bitch so dangerous son of a bitch how much dancing do we yeah you look like a that's a lot of empanadas oh my vote is for mike figs he wanted you to vote for he wanted you i want you to vote for me you fucking thumb with glasses you're not gonna get shit you piece of shit whoa this just got real a bunch of points oh i'm getting a lot of points alex your story was story number six it's not me i don't know who it is i'm drunk fuck story number six belongs to henry full fuck you idiots you fucking idiots that's a lot of points foley foley damn take a minute and ask a question if that ain't worth a relapse i don't know what is i asked you if you had any cousins you said non-stop cousins i said that it's you alex tally them up baby girl and seraphina give me a jack and coke and an eight ball i'm relapsing foley tell us the story what happened here fuck don't get on that jack and coke but the eight ball give it to me what are you talking about we're rich is there any anything more to the story that we're missing no so a replica is a larger match box you know what i mean like uh like a like a nice thing so we got a uh we got a trans am from uh smoking the bandit and we got the duke's a hazard car who's your cousin kid rock do you fucking hillbilly i got a camaro it was tops and a labra it was my cousin duck all right it was his girlfriend i can't remember her name but she had red hair she was a bird i remember one day my dad got drunk at a softball game she drove my dad home and i was like oh my god i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so my mom was not happy about it that story will stay there um and she got us these two toys and me and my brother just smashed the shit out of him one night and then she came over a couple days later and asked to see them and we had to hide them because we had fucked them all up that's the story that got me a shit ton of points ain't done i mean if you guys would have just taken a moment to maybe even look in the other direction it was so for sure you you were selling it like you sold all your other bullshit stories you went right into it you let me write in lewis you let me write in that was crazy uh that was crazy we're a point all right in last place with four points that's not bad good jay ogerson i'm glad you you started that i don't care i have friends in a lot of places i got friends in low blade in fourth place with six points mike figs beating jay we're still here we're still here dude cut hey don't don't don't fucking lump you in with him he's killing it hey man we're doing we're having fun right it's all about having fun the game's we both lost but it's fine in third place with 11 points lewis jay gomez let's go you you you I'm gonna be booing before i'm in third place it's the thing what the fuck is wrong with you because it's the thing to boo you fucking assholes they're not rooting for you you have 37 wins go ahead do you have 37 wins a lot in second place with 12 points kevin ryan wow what what a comeback and then number one with a bullet and with 137 points and in first place with four points lewis jay gomez 14 points wow wow thank you now oh man listen thank you i don't like it but god damn it i have to respect it i'd be i'd be lying if that's if i said that round didn't get away from us okay guys guys lewis lock the fuck in all right that was all you you're a ringleader to that shit i started chain because you do chance you sold us so i was a chain and then that happened i'm on this moment i told you you guys are in cahoots that's all i said was i had fucking cousins that was crazy and then jay went lewis you guys were like lewis lewis lewis everyone's like yeah why would you say you have a lot of cousins because i do no wait what sold me was you started your bullshit up front i don't know it was crazy right and i'll give you that you're the host of the show you need to do that i totally get it hey hold on a second you guys hear a couple little girls crying you guys hear that you guys hear little girls fucking dorks we call help should we get help seraphina eight ball right two more stories you guys having a good time let's go let's go now we got a game baby i got the hot by the way it's as of right now even jay it's genuinely anybody's game so we're all in due to double points oh thank you black thought and the roots what's up story warriors uh let's talk about one of our amazing sponsors over here near and dear to my heart at story wars and that is gld most guys have a weak ass jewelry game but not not us not the story warriors because we have gld in our lives gld has chains rings earrings and watches for every style you can find your favorite piece or customize it in the gld custom shop you can find your favorite piece or customize it in the clean designs real gold in every piece handset stones you can see and feel the quality craftsmanship in every gld piece i'm a i'm a believer now i've got two products for them i got the uh the thick uh chain the thick what's it called that chain link i love i want to say it's cuban but i don't think it is um and then i got this here that i'm wearing my little bracelet my barbed wire bracelet very very cool stuff their website is huge with all kinds of options they also have uh collaborations with nfl nba mlb nhl so you can get sports themed things and every product they sell comes with a lifetime warranty it's an heirloom piece you're going to have it forever and you're going to wear it forever work hard change the game for a limited time new customers are getting an insane deal use the code wars with a z w a r z to get 40 off at gld.com one more time that's 40 percent off when you use the code wars with a z w a r z at g l d dot com all right story warriors let's take a quick moment and thank brunt workwear for supporting the show we love brunt workwear here on the show first of all i mean if you ever see me wearing any boots any hoodie really any hat these days it's all brunt workwear it's a i look like i'm like a badass dude who knows what to do around the house i don't there's a bunch of guys here right now just doing all the man work but i look at stuff i look the part i i stand next to them and they say things and i'm like yes oh see i thought you put on short shorts and do exercises in front of them keep motivated let them know what they're fighting for boys let them know they're fighting hey i'm trophy lewis do you guys want some tea some sweet tea he goes those guys love seeing me in my brunt workwear boots and only my brunt workwear boots that's it look i'll tell you right now genuinely the best boots i've ever won in my entire life i got them for my son last christmas that's how much i love my even i literally just used our promo code i didn't even get free ones i bought them for my son because they're so nice um genuinely the most incredibly comfortable boots on the planet they look great they feel great if you're working on a job site and you have to wear boots all day you're never going to go back to any other type of boots forever i promise you truly the best a full range of high performance gear as well from heavy duty work pants to weather resistant jackets i wear the hoodie all the time now we're in hoodie season uh look you work too hard to be stuck in uncomfortable boots so brunt built something better boots that are insanely comfortable and built for any job site and for a limited time story warriors are getting ten dollars off at brunt when you use the code wars w-a-r-z that check it out once again that is bruntworkwear.com use the promo code wars w-a-r-z at checkout you're good to go for ten dollars off all right where were we alex story number seven story number seven my dad threw my mom down a flight of steps she started doing drugs and my childhood was destroyed All right, I don't want to jump to any conclusions. conclusions here. It has to be Lewis. Let's do it again. Let's do it again. Gentlemen, hold on. Don't just start voting all Willie to come up today. Jay. Jay. Lewis, if this is you, you have to tell us. If you're a cop, if you're a cop, you gotta tell me. This is straight up fucking prostitution. Should we do it again? Is this you? Dude, that's crazy. That's crazy. There's no way Lewis would be that stupid. Free answer. Let me say this. Yes, vote for me. Fine. I don't care. But I'm letting you know. He's doing the thing again. Whatever. Sure. If you want to ruin the game. Now that's a flooper. Let me say this. Okay? Because, you know, I will tell you, my mother was doing drugs before I was born. My dad died before I had any memories of him. So this isn't me. But please. Wait. Wait. You literally just confirmed it. You said your mom was doing drugs before you couldn't remember and your father. Hold on. My dad threw my mom down a flight of steps. She started doing drugs and my childhood was destroyed. This is. Right? What am I reading wrong here? What are we reading wrong? I don't believe Lewis ever lived in a home that had steps. That is a good point as well. He did. Point? Good point? He did. He did. It doesn't say the home. It just says down a flight of steps. Could have been of a bar. It was at a Best Buy. It could have been a bar. Also, it doesn't say that you remember. That's just a fact that that happened. Well, how would it have destroyed my childhood? I'm sure. Yes, it's me. I mean, Lewis. Oh, good thing. Oh, thank God. Oh, but now he's doing that fucking. Now he's doing that dumb shit. Thank God you said something. You've done that before. Jay is so bad at this game. Figgs is so bad. Jay and Figgs have officially lost. They can't win anymore. Shut up. You've done it. Why would you say that about me? This is what you always do, Lewis. It's not. I'm a gas digital subscriber, and I'm watching you. This is what you do. This is how you became Batman. Hold on. Let me ask questions. Foley, when did your parents. Are they still together? Pretty nervous, aren't you? That sounds like a child whose mother. Kevin, so I. He's giving Byron Allen fucking transitions. Powerwasher, huh? You took your family to the. Sure, this summer, yeah? Yeah, was there. Lewis, you cannot be this dumb. Right? That's what I think. That's why I picked Mike. You wouldn't submit that as a question. Or you did it for the pure comedy. If you know anything, it's crazy that Jay would. This sounds nothing like my childhood. You know it's not me. That's genuinely insane. You said your childhood was tally-pops. And your father's dead because he fucking threw your mom down steps. And then she had a fucking guy she was seeing stab your father. A little thing. No one knows except me because I'm making that up. And I assume that's the truth. And I committed to that idea. It has to be you. I think it's you. I would vote for Foley. You both literally just lost the game for yourselves. Shut up. Kevin, you had good parents, right? I don't know. You had good parents? No. I mean. Did they fight a lot? They weren't. They weren't drug addicts. Was your mom a drug addict? No. Is he? I don't know why. Kevin, was Foley's mom a drug addict? No. No. You said your dad hit your mom. He said that. No, you said your dad hit your mom. I didn't say that. Oh, I'm sorry. No, I did say that. No, no, no, it's fine. But he did because of Kevin's mistake. My parents got divorced when I was two. And that's why he left, because of Kevin. Fix, does your mom do drugs? No, my mom doesn't fucking do drugs. She does lottery tickets. She's like a nice Italian woman. She makes fucking real pounded down, super thin chicken collards. Fucking chicken collards. She loves Donald Trump. She's a nice woman. Did you fuck me, Lewis? Henry Foley is the. You accused. You accused Patty Foley of doing drugs? Now, she took an occasional diet pill. It was the 80s. How dare she? How dare Lewis judge her for that? It's Lewis or Mike. Good, all right. And it's got to be Lewis. It's between me and Foley. Lewis is doing a fucking. Come on. Story number seven. Whose story. It's not me. Whose story was story number seven? If it's Lewis, I think I win this. Double points. Who'd you pick, Yippee? I went Lewis. It's all Lewis. Story number seven belongs to Mike Fitts. Fuck! Let's go. Let's go. The timing was horrible. I tried to do the shirt at the same time. Talk about a rope-a-dope. And it wasn't. Yeah, my dad sucked. By the way, I love that Kevin didn't fully get that the shirt thing was because it was you. And then after you put your shirt back on normal, he still pointed at Lewis like it was going to be Lewis. I don't know what this guy's doing, if I'm being honest. You thought I was just stimming for no reason? By the way, I didn't realize you were showing your tits because it was you. I was like, all right, weird move. I totally got that. Oh, true story. It played out different in my head. I thought, oh, Figgs, it worked over here. I'd say, your mom, Figgs, your mom, your mom is a drug addict. Yeah, my mom cannot go to, my mom has so much nightmares, she cannot go to sleep without sleeping pills. And she does a little Xanax, she's depressed. And my dad was crazy, hit my mom with a Louisville Slugger a couple times just to steal her lunch money. What? With a baseball bat? Yeah, he hit her one time. But the important thing with a question like that, did she learn her lesson? Find out September 26th at Dallas Comedy Club. Hey. Was dinner cold the next day? No, so when my parents got divorced when I was 17 and my mom told me this story about how my father was very abusive, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. My dad threw my mom down some steps and here we are, baby. Story wars, feeling good. Fuck. Wow. Yes. Wow. Let's go. Holy shit. Seven stories down. I have no idea. No. No, it was perfect. All right. In last place, with four points. What? Big Jay Oakerson. I'm not here for the game, dude. I'm like the mascot. In fourth place with 11 points, Louis J. Gomez. Tied for second place with 12 points each, Mike Figgs and Kevin Ryan. All right. Give me. And in first place with 18 points, Kevin Bowling. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Victory is still within reach for everybody but Big Jay. I'm going to get out of here and catch and beat the tunnel traffic. He's going to beat the traffic. I'm going to beat the tunnel traffic. Hey, you guys have been a lot of fun. Thanks so much, man. Oh, you know what? I still have a purpose here. I got to tell you that the winner of tonight's game. And don't think you're just walking away with this, because everyone's on your ass, except me. From love interest to Nazis, the Diary of Anne Frank has it all. All of it. Even after two years in hiding and living in constant fear of discovery, Anne remained remarkably hopeful about humanity. On July 5th, 1944, just weeks before her arrest, she penned her most famous line. In spite of everything, she hates Jews. Wow. In spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart. Anne Frank. Excellent. Anne Frank, everyone. Anne Frank, a true poet. A dead, young, 15-year-old poet. Alex. Alex. Our final story, story number eight. Story number eight. My friends and I once ruined my buddy's bedroom by throwing ketchup packets into the fan and staining the walls. His mom kicked us out of the house. Is this not Louis immediately again? Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. This could be anybody. This is a little innocuous. I feel like, Louis, you spent a lifetime, though, of being kicked out of your friends' houses. I've been kicked out of some friends' houses. I remember famously. I was really kicked out of a friend's house. I was a good house guest. In high school, I was 15 years old when I drew on my. She was my girlfriend, yeah, but she was my friend at the time, but I drew on her basement walls with crayons. I was 15 years old. I was fingering girls already, and I drew on the walls with crayons, and her dad was like, he will never come over here again. And you're like, but I want to finger your daughter. This does seem like. Louis seemed like one of those people that would scare me when I was young. Like, the trouble for the sake of trouble. The kid that would look at you and then break someone's fucking doorknob or something. Like, eh, look, I just did a crazy thing. And that seems like this kind of troubled it to you. Louis, did your mom ever work fast food? Oh, yeah. Great question. Yeah, who would have ketchup packets? No, no. She worked at Dunkin' Donuts when I was very young. That's fast food. That's not. Hold on. That's good food fast. You stupid fucking piece of shit. Thank you, bro. That's not fast food. Hey, hey, brother. That's a donut place, you fucking. dumb fuck. Thank you, bro. It's good food served quickly. Yeah, it's. You're the man. But for a couple of bucks, you could also Dunkin' Lewis' mom's donut. Hi-yo. I liked it. Hilarious. Yeah, and at that time, it was like before Dunkin' Donuts, it was the 80s. Dunkin' Donuts just had donuts at that time. But Lewis wouldn't do that. I can't imagine you throwing ketchup in here like a fucking hooligan. Yeah, that's a little weird. You don't see that? You throw ketchup at him. You don't see Lewis just destroying for the sake of destroying. I don't see you throwing ketchup. He was lashing out. His father was killed. His mother did drugs at one point. And ruined his life. Philly boys. This is some Philly shit. This is also. This is like. They ordered cheese steaks, and they got ketchup packets, and they're like. This is some silly shit. This isn't like. This is just a kid. This is a 14-year-old kid. I don't care whose hay this is. It's not my hay. You're right. This is more benign than I think. Not a big deal. A couple of kids just horsing off after school. I'm going full circle. This is the only other answer I've gotten right when I voted for Kevin Ryan. I agree. Ketchup packet, Kevin Ryan. I don't even eat ketchup. Right, you throw it at fans, you psycho. That's a good point. You hate families, and you hate ketchup. And I love fans. And you fucking love ceiling fans with a weird passion. I also wasn't imagining a ceiling fan. I was imagining like a box fan. Not me. I was picturing you fucking zipping them up in the air. Zipping it up. Into the fan. Yes. Yeah, no. I was never like, fuck shit up just for the point of fucking shit up. No, because you were trying to impress a chick who was a little heavier than you'd like to be with, but you still wanted her to like you. That's where all the. She had all the ketchup packets. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were in her sock drawer. She goes, I know we have McDonald's coming, but don't worry. I've got my own ketchup packets if they don't send enough. Interesting. Yeah, it's just, I mean, it's out of my character to fucking do that. This could be Lewis. It's just not something. Kevin Ryan has a lot to say here. Yeah, he is yapping a lot. Yeah. Terrified. Kevin, can you name a brand of ketchup packets that you are familiar with? It's not Hunter. It's not Hunter Hines. Not Hunter Hines? Oh, no. I don't. Fancy. Fancy. Fancy. Okay. I'll accept it. You're right. It's Lewis. I mean, also. Can't name fucking a fourth ketchup? I wasn't really running in circles with ketchup packets. Running in circles with ketchup packets? That's like the. What is that? Staining. Everyone has ketchup packets. Wait a minute. Ketchup stains the walls? I think it is, Kevin. That is weird when you said that. That was a strange thing to say. I'm never hanging out where there's ketchup packets. Where do you get ketchup packets? Who'd you guys vote for? Oh, I didn't. No drive-thru? Come on, Fatso. I think if I'm the age of. Kevin, you're defending this weird way. Yeah. Okay. He's like, I know you are, but what am I. Yeah, guys. Ketchup. Crazy. Get my car, please. I'm with Foley. Fuck. I voted for Foley. I'm going Lewis. What do you want to do, Lewis? I'm going Lewis. I mean, I'm getting Kevin vibes here. This just isn't. Like, it's not a bad boy story. This is something that Kevin. Kevin's a good kid. This is something that. What, pussy? Are you kidding? I feel big right now. To win this game. Look at his pocket. He's got ketchup packets. Why? He goes, I am the. Delco Strangler. Yeah, this isn't something. Wait, is that real? It would stand out to you because this is something that you got in trouble for. You're not the type of kid to get kicked out of your friend's family's house. You felt terrible. You've made apologies. I've never let. I'll never forget that. You bought them an above-ground pool. Lewis. Kevin Ryan, final answer. Lewis. This isn't you? It is. Yeah, you doing side deals? That's so uncomfortable for me. I feel like in order to win, I have to do something wild. Pull your dick out. Yeah. That would be a half a point. It's covered in ketchup. No matter what, you get half a point. You did the dumb crayon thing, so maybe you're stupid enough to fucking throw ketchup. Sure. Like a rascal. Any story you hear, if you're like, is anybody here stupid enough to do it? He did lead off with, oh, I did get kicked out of my friend's house at 15 for drawing on the fucking walls. Absolutely. And if I'm going to lose, I'll fucking lose like a fucking. Fucking Viking. Lewis, it's you, you fucking piece of shit. Like a Viking? What does that mean? Do we have to shoot flaming arrows at your corpse? I've been drinking since five. I guess I'll fucking. I'll give you a Valhalla send-off, but I wasn't. I gotta be honest. I'd like to get home and watch America's Got Talent quarterfinals. Alex, all of our answers are right. Why is Lewis so happy? Am I going to win, Lewis? Whose story was story number eight? Am I going to win, Daddy? Story number eight. Who's story number eight belongs to. Kevin Ryan. Kevin Ryan. Of course. I don't hang out with people that have ketchup. Who the fuck are you? Every excuse he said, he was like, what's a ketchup packet? It was crazy. Ketchup for what do you put that on, even? I've never even seen it. Tomato juice? Ew. A paste of tomatoes? I'm sorry, you got me lying about ketchup packets. That's pretty hard to do. What? No, never. Is it a ceiling fan or a box fan? It was a, like, an oscillating fan where somebody at some point took the cage off the. Remember, like, you could, like, take the cage off the front and we were at, like, a sleepover the second that happened. Wow. I've never heard of this. It was fucking crazy. Where'd you get the ketchup packet? Somebody had ordered food, I guess. I don't even know. You? Yeah. Somebody? It came with my calamari. Oh. Here, continue. He was just signing. Yeah, and then we were at, like, a sleepover. It got all fucked up, and then, like, he woke up. He was like, what the fuck are you doing? His parents came down. It was just, like, a whole fucking whole thing. And you got sent home? Yeah. Middle of the night? I think it was, like, pretty early morning. Like, his parents, I think, had gotten up. And they said you want to walk? We were up all night. They said you want to walk home? No, I think it was, like, call your parents. Get the fuck out of here. Wow. But then we just walked. My buddy lived, like, two houses down, so we just walked there. Do you feel terrible? Like, it's funny with the friend, then. Like, the friend now sort of becomes the asshole. Whose parents are like, do your parents suck? Why wouldn't they allow you to destroy their carpets? Yeah, I know. He's just like, dude, your parents are stiffs, bro. I'm going to Pat's house where we can do anything. Yeah, I thought your parents were swingers or whatever, but this sucks. Yeah. Yeah, it was, yeah. Holy shit. We fucked it up pretty bad. Wow. Fuck that place. You know, fuck that patio and fuck this fucking friend's house. Big J had my number tonight, boy. They did. Official, what are our final points at? I only got two questions right. Both of them were you. I'm never playing again. I only got the first and second, and the first and last question right. In last place with eight points, Big J. Ogerson. It's not about the wins or losses. It's about showing up, being with your friends. You learn more from the losses. I do learn more from the losses. They're teaching moments. I feel like. That's loser talk. Yeah. Yeah, it sure shit is. Alex. In fourth place with 12 points, Mike Figgs. Thank you, boys. In third place with 14 points, Kevin Ryan. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. This is close. Second place scored 15 points, and your winner tonight with 22 points, Henry Foley. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Ladies and gentlemen, we have crowned a brand new story warrior. Thank you. He gets the Diary of Anne Frank. He gets the bragging rights. Just want to say. And he gets to now trigger. I get to what? Trigger. What's trigger? Double points. Ooh, hey. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Should I take my shirt off? That was very. Am I allowed to do just what I want? You can do whatever you want with it. Any Jewish people in here? Here you go, big man. There you go. That's for you. I just want to say two things. One. One, Louis did draw a swastika on the inside of that. That's a Mexican man. I scratched it off. I scratched it off. You just threw it to a Mexican man. He's Chinese. Whatever, enjoy the book. I will say I should take full responsibility that I signed my name, but I drew a swastika and wrote Louis Gomez on either side of it. I scratched that off. That's fine. I scratched it off in the spirit of brotherhood. Don't blame Louis on that. That was me dog whistling on Louis' behalf. You just threw it to the guy who makes the popcorn here. That is crazy. H. Foley, your newest story warrior. How about it? Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Foley. Foley. Thank you. Thank you. Foley. Foley. Foley. Thank you. Thank you. How about an amazing round of applause for everybody on our panel. Kevin Ryan. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Mike Figgs. Mike Figgs. Mike Figgs. Yeah. Mike Figgs. Mike Figgs. One more time for H. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. He'll be back to the fence soon. Thank you. Everybody, I'm Big Jay Oakerson. And I'm Luis Shea Gomez. Until next time, peace. We'll see you next time.