Gyles Brandreth

Suppose in you had the chance to get rid of some of your worst nightmares, what would they be? My guest is here to persuade me to banish the items on his list to a place where they'll never be seen again. This is Room 101! Ladies and gentlemen, will you please welcome writer, broadcaster, raconter, former politician and full-time enthusiast, Joe's Brandon! Thank you, thank you! This is nice! Now, Joe, you seem to be a very cheerful, ebullient sort of person, but are you really a pent-up ball of rage? No, I don't think I am, I think I am, on the whole of very jolly person. There are some things or few things that do get my goat, and the first one I'd like to put forth for you is this. My wife and I have taken to watching a television channel that shows old detective stories. We like this because we didn't understand them the first time around, and we are now able to solve the murder because we're seeing it for the second or even third time. Yes, and we've helped ourselves because we managed to get the subtitles up, which for a series called Vera is absolutely essential. Because, though it's wonderful, I'm a great fan of Brenda Blethin, I didn't understand a word that any of the characters are saying. So, maddeningly we got them up now, we can't get them down because the relevant grandchild never seems to be available. So, we've become hooked on all these old murder mysteries. Yes, but we find the commercial breaks quite disconsetting, because though we are of a certain vintage, we don't feel we are about to die. But it's reassuring for the audience here tonight. So, you are going to tell us what your first choice is. It is the advertisements on this particular channel. The first one that really annoys me is there's somebody sitting in a chair who looks relatively young. But they press a button, and the chair, and they stand up. And then this relatively young person begins walking about, and they're joined by Spaniard, they go out for a walk like this. - I mean, that's annoying enough. - Yes. Then there are ones for baths. These are the ones that my wife really finds irritating. Yes. They are for baths, apparently, for older people, with a door on the side to enable you to get in and out. The first thing that annoys us is I didn't notice about women. There's always a mortal, again, sort of middle age, and I was aimed at older people, wearing a bathing costume. I don't know about your home life, but on the home my wife doesn't wear a bathing costume, which it goes. A bath? I imagine your wife asks you to wear bathing trucks, but that's a different matter. Can I ask you to stop imagining what made my wife get up to it? So, we, first of all, picture these ladies sitting on perch on the edge of the bar. Yes. Then these are special bars for people to enable, for easy access and egress. Yes. They do not work. I know they do not work, because my mother, my lovely mother, who died at the age of 96, towards the end of her life, she bought one of these bars, because over 2,000 pounds, which was three years ago, over 2,000 pounds, she got into the bar, lovely hot water, full of baths, suds, and she was really enjoying it. Then she opened the door to get out, to let you the bathroom. So, they're selling us things that, frankly, do not work. Yes. Then there are people who used to be quite respected newsreaders who pop up, trying to sell you gold coins. Yes. That you know must be worthless. The very fact they're being advertised suggests they are worthless. Well, I mean, do you feel sorry for somebody celebrities who's perhaps their best days have gone, that they're now presenting the sort of adversity for a, a, a, a, a tinge of empathy for them? I do feel empathy, and of course, I am the voice of one of the most popular of these daytime advertisements. Well, you don't need to tell us about it anymore, because we have an example of it here. Oh, gone. Ah, that's it. Put your feet up. You deserve it. Arise a recliner from the recliner factory. It's a personal privilege. You got the best for you. It makes you proud. The recliner factory sell direct, so that could mean more cash in the kitty. Now, the client is a buy one, get one, half price. No struggling to get in and out of your chair. Look at this. Get that luxury for less. Save the gentleman, the power of AI nowadays. It's terrifying. You bastard, where do you buy that? No. I mean, the very thing you talk about chairs that help you sort of sit down and get up. Yes. But I do it off screen. Yes. I do it off screen. And I have to say, I have just recorded a new one. I had doubts about this. Yes. But they said your voice is exactly what our product requires. Is it dignitas? Ah. They said, what do you sound like what we want you to sound like? Would you please do this? I said, no, the first time. I said, no, the second time. The third time, I prayed I was tempted by the money and I thought, well, this may see me out. And so I'm pleased to tell you, Paul, that I am now the voice of the tenor flex plus super soft incontinence pad. I think at this point I should point out that other incontinence pads are available. Apparently, my voice is exact, smooth, emollient, absorbent. Do people need the pads before they hear you speaking? Sometimes when they hear me speak, they're grateful that they're wearing them. But no, the truth is, the fee is very good. I get the free samples. I mean, the fact is, if I have a long way here, you may need to slip away. I can stay here all night. I was tempted by the funeral planning one, only because I do have a family connection with the funeral trade. My grandfather, his first cousin, married a Kenyan, Kenyan is the famous undertaking family. They did Queen Victoria's funeral. Just dropping that in. And I have for many years hosted the British funeral directors awards. And the best polished brass handle of 2023. Mark not. Actually, it's a jolly unfair that you might imagine. I actually think it's a hoot. This, this, you have to say, this year they were pretty merry because it's been a fabulous few years for them. I mean, they do, the two big prizes in the end of the evening. One is for the crematorium of the year known as the crem de la crem award. And then there's the lifetime achievement award for thinking outside the box. Well, I mean, I do agree with you. These adverts, you know, can be very depressing. You're talking about old age. Would you want to be young now, given the social media being what it is and house prices being unaffordable? Are you glad you grew up in the world that you grew up in, or would you prefer to be growing up in this one? Yes, I have never left the 1950s in my head. That's where I am. But Oscar Wilde pointed out that they. To you personally? If only, wouldn't that have been wonderful? It would have been nice to have met in the world. But Oscar Wilde pointed out that the tragedy of old age is not that one is old, but that one is still young. And the truth is, in my head, I'm still like I was. So that's when you see these advertisements. You're enjoying your murder mystery and then pops up all these advertisements for people who are sort of. Next to death. You do, it reminds you that maybe you're not as young as you think you are. You've been very eloquent on this thing. Half of the things I was going to say, I don't need to say. But do feel free in case they want to edit them in. We set aside a special afternoon for that. No, I do agree with you, Jiles. I think these adverts are terribly depressing. So, in they go to Room 101. Thank you. Okay, so, Jiles, tell me about your next choice. People who telephone you. They telephone you. And when you speak to them, it's clear that they've got something in their mouth, which is probably food. They actually phone you while they are eating a sandwich or slurping a coffee. What is annoying me? They decide, "Oh, I'm going to phone Jiles now." So they get the sandwich ready. They take the first bite, the first slurp, and then they make the phone call. They get the snacks already. "Oh, what is this thing with snacks? Can we add an extra element?" Yes. "I load snacks everywhere you go. Where are the snacks? Where are the snacks?" Do you mean everywhere you go? - People are always offering you snacks. - Are they? Yes, you don't maybe get out much, but I. (audience laughs) Would you not agree, ladies and gentlemen, every way you get snacks, is it not snack heaven now? No, it's what's wrong with snacks. Snacks, what? (audience laughs) For the sentence, Jowler, is it useful for the programme? (audience laughs) I like a proper meal. Yes, I do not need snacks. We should discourage snacking. But every way you do it. Are you talking about crisps, chocolate bars, that sort of thing? Right. You're talking about crisps, chocolate bars, salted peanuts, things that people want to. Salted peanuts. Another thing being gone. (audience laughs) Dipping your fingers in other people's fingers have touched the. Oh, exactly. So can that be an extra one, please? Yes, yes, by the way, so snacks can be an extra one. We did say at the beginning of this programme that you found things didn't really annoy you that much. (audience laughs) I didn't know that you have a crew in them. By the dozen, you are releasing something in me that has been actually bottled up for years. It's the incontinence part. Yeah. (audience laughs) So, I'm glad to be of service. You are. Can I say, this is, I'm finding this more therapeutic than I realise. Yes, I'll do about the noises. So you're talking about the noise of eating. Are there any other noises that you don't like, like the scrunching of tin foil, or nails down a blackboard? Ooh, ooh. Nails down a blackboard. We all hate that, don't we? I mean, you and I, we're belong to the wacko generation. (audience laughs) Is anyone-- Very old sitcom star in Jimmy Edwards. Oh, it was wonderful. What is the extortal punishment? Courtal punishment. Courtal punishment, it was fabulous. (audience laughs) The actual show was called "Wacko." We knew it was all about whacking people. And the programme began with Jimmy Edwards, who was his splendid comedian with great moustaches, known as Professor Jimmy Edwards, 'cause he'd been to university. And the show would begin with a shot of him flexing his case. Yes. And really the highlight of the programme. We had 30 minutes just waiting for the children to be beaten. (audience laughs) Yes, it was-- Gothic was good. It was-- (audience laughs) I mean, it wasn't-- Finally entertainment. That was what the BBC was about in the good old days. (audience laughs) And now, on the subject of manners and behaviour, you're not being keen on bad language, are you? (beep) (audience laughs) No, I am not. I tell you-- No, seriously. (audience laughs) I wasn't expecting that, that's all. (audience laughs) I don't think anybody was expecting that. (audience laughs) I'm not keen on bad language in public places. I travel a lot on the bus. I've reached the age now where, in my part of town, it's free. Anything that's free I quite enjoy. I often go up the street, and then down the street, and up the street, and down. Thanks to the pads, I can be there from dawn till dusk. (audience laughs) I've really resented it in London when they've stopped. The circle line is no longer a circle. Is it used to be a proper circle? No. What's happened? I know, exactly. What has happened to the circle line? Oh, gosh. You know, I think we're gonna put the whole of modern-- Modern society into your room 101. Well, I mean, this could easily be a series on your own, 'cause you need-- (audience laughs) Can we talk about bad language? Yes, I tell you what I genuinely don't like. English language is so rich. We have the richest language in the world, in English. Also, language is what empowers us. It's what makes us human and special. As Bertrand Russell said, "No matter how eloquently a dog may bark, "he cannot tell you that his parents were poor, but well-meaning." Well, as-- (audience laughs) I get the feeling you made up the last half of that quotation. (audience laughs) I had to censor it because I realized when it was going. Oh, yeah, it's-- (audience laughs) But the point is, we have a wonderful language. I think to limit it is a bit depressing. Yes, okay. Well, I mean, you've grouped together an awful lot of choices. I've got another one. Well, have we touched them on? Everything you've just said-- And I can't remember half of them, but I remember somebody putting their hands in your nuts was one of them. (audience laughs) Yeah, I don't know. So they're all going into room 101. Yeah! (audience cheers) (audience applauds) Okay, joys, this illustrates your next choice. (buzzer) I'm sorry, but the person you call is not available. Please leave your luggage up to the tone. So-- This is so infuriating. I'm not able to communicate with my own children. I've heard-- (laughs) Listen, this may be me. (audience laughs) That could be the common factor. Yes, it could be. (audience laughs) Thinking about this, they often hear my wife chatting to them. (audience laughs) (audience laughs) I try telephoning my children and my grandchildren. They've all got mobile phones. When you phone them up, you cannot even leave a voice message. Because they say, "Please don't." They expect to do this by WhatsApp. Strikes me as a very dangerous thing. It's almost brought down government. (audience laughs) If the message is existed-- Yeah, exactly. When you're phoning up young people, they don't answer the phone. Aren't you trying to sort of get them to work to your gender, to your sort of time in? Yes. And-- (audience laughs) And to communicate-- And I'm getting them to communicate. In the old days, you wanted-- You know, ask somebody something about something. They were free for that. Just call them up. They said, "Yes, no. "Not a good time to chat." That was fine. Now, there's a wall. They're there. There's an invisible moat around young people. They don't want to communicate with us. It's going to affect their well-being. Yes. (audience laughs) Yes. They want to be protected from me calling them. I see that now. (audience laughs) (audience applauds) You know, I tell you, people need people. Yes. I've been doing a program on Channel 4 called Celebrity Gogglebox. Mm-hmm. They use the word celebrity pretty loosely. (audience laughs) And I began doing it with Sheila Hancock, who is a mutual friend of ours, a marvelous person. And we realized, actually, it's great fun to phone up a friend and say, "Come round and let's watch the telly together." Because you can watch it at home alone, but actually to do it with a friend. We began doing this in Gogglebox, and we were sitting on the sofa side by side. Thinking, "Actually, this is quite fun. "We're not actually talking to one another. "We're just watching the program together." But there was a kind of companionship that was really quite endearing. It was quite strange for us, too, because we were, she is now 90, and I'm getting on a bit, and we realized as the weeks went by, that week after week we were meeting, and getting gradually hooked on a program called Naked Attraction. (audience laughs) And because she knows of a certain age now, we had to move the sofa closer to the screen, so. (audience laughs). that we could see it more clearly. So I'm all for people communicating, answering the phone, and just being just normal with one another, meeting one another. I do agree with you, Jiles. Having all this amazing technology that allows you to speak to another person, almost anywhere in the world, and then avoid it, that seemed like madness. That personal touch is what, you know, particularly in the world where, you know, we often, on the phone, we hear robotic noises. No, Jiles, we haven't got time. Oh! Oh, I. I've learned to fear that sharpener. I can take a breath. No. No, but you're so right, the music that has played you. That dreadful music. And when they've got the cheek to say, "Your call matters to us." I mean, honestly. (audience laughs) So people who don't answer the phone, when it rings, are definitely going into room 101. Yay! Well done. Your next choice, Jiles. Have a listen to this. (dramatic music) I'm just to be clear, this isn't the noise that Laurie makes when it's reversing. (audience laughs) What is it? This is the news on the BBC. Yes. And the very music there, I was twitching during it, and others in the audience were doing so as well, because it is written in the way that implies that you should be having a heart attack while this music is happening. (audience laughs) It is there to distress and upset you. Now, I have decided that we need to stop the news. My wife and I have been so much happier since we abandoned the news and stuck to bargain hunt. (audience laughs) We both remember a time in the 1960s, I remember if there was a news flash, it interrupted a program. There would be a very sober looking newsreader, maybe a map of somewhere in the Middle East or whatever. We have a very sad, bad tragic story. And I can remember, my parents were getting quite anxious when this news flash came on, but you didn't have any footage of the earthquake or the ship at Sunk. But now that everybody's got a camera or the mobile phone, you can get instant coverage of whatever terrible disaster has happened. And the breaking news, sometimes it's breaking news, but really it's tragic. Yes. Sometimes it's breaking news and it's Kim Kardashian has broken a toenail. (audience laughs) So, you know, there's no, it's all fed to us at the same relentless rate. Yes. And if I'm being serious, I think the world, you know, in earlier times, it was equally dreadful world. There's always tragically been famine. There's sadly been wars forever. Peace is the unusual thing. In fact, I think in the last 200 years, there has never been one year, where there hasn't been a war somewhere in the world. But our forebars weren't aware of all of this. Felly, mae'n gwaithio yn gwaithio yn gwaithio yn gwaithio yn gwaithio yn gwaithio yn gwaithio yn gwaith Mae'n fawr i'n gwybod ac mae'n fawr i'n gwybod ac mae'n gwybod ac mae'n gwybod ac mae'n gwybod ac mae'n g Mae yw'r gwaithio'r yw'r gwaithio, mae'n gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio 'bwy' i'n gweithio'r llwyd yn gweithio'r llwyd yn gweithio'r llwyd yn gweithio'r llwyd yn gweithio'r llwyd yn gweithio. Gydwyd yn gweithio'r llwyd yn gweithio'r llwyd yn gweithio'r llwyd yn gweithio'r llwyd yn gweithio. Gydwyd yn gweithio'r llwyd yn gweithio'r llwyd yn gweithio'r llwyd yn gweithio'r llwyd yn gweithio'r llwyd yn gweithio'r llwyd yn gweithio'r llwyd yn gweithio. Mae'n gweithio'r llwyd yn gweithio'r llwyd yn gweithio'r llwyd yn gweithio. Mae'n gweithio'r llwyd yn gweithio'r llwyd yn gweithio'r llwyd yn gweithio'r llwyd yn gweithio; Mae'n gweithio'r llwyd yn gweithio'r llwyd yn gweithio'r llwyd yn gweithio'r llwyd yn gweithio. Mae'n gweithio'r llwyd yn gweithio'r llwyd yn gweithio'r llwyd yn gweithio'r llwyd. 'Gud news for you, Jarrodd, it's been discovered that you can treat our simons with Viagra. LAUGHTER You get any reaction but you don't know why. And if it happens when you look at an advert for reclining chairs, you think I must get one of them? Jarrodd, have you been the editor of a news programme? Would you ever sacrifice a feel-good story for a piece of serious news? Yes. If it was serious news, if it was new news, important international and national events, do need to be reported. Well, that's good because we've got an example of you doing just that. I'm speaking of romance, I am enormously romantic. Those of you who were watching three years ago on Valentine's Day will recall that I attempted on that occasion with Andarmond to make our way to the Guinness Book of Records by breaking the record for the longest held screen kiss. Unfortunately, we were unable to achieve the record because Good Morning Britain is very much news-oriented and quite rightly, we had to go over to Moscow for live coverage of President Brezhnev's funeral. LAUGHTER Never has a woman been more grateful for the death of a Russian leader. Do you know, I think we'd all be better off without the news. So, I mean, I can't think of a single reason why it should stay out of Room 101, so it's definitely going into Room 101 now. APPLAUSE So, finally, Giles, we've talked about all the things that you don't like and there's been many of them. Is there any one thing in your life that you couldn't possibly do without? Oh, this is an innovation. This is a new question. Yes. This is cutting edge. Yeah. Please put the question to me again, so I can think about it. Yes. Yes. She's sitting in the front row. My wife. APPLAUSE What is it about your wife, me love? I say my wife. Actually, your wife would be homeless as good. I mean, the point is. LAUGHTER No. Oh, she'll know. She'll treasure the word almost. LAUGHTER Well, since they're both in the room, I'm trying to walk with the tide probe lightly. Yeah. I think you fell off it about 20 minutes ago. The point I'm making is that I have learnt from my wife, who I met at an audition of 56 years ago. Your auditioned people to be your wife. LAUGHTER I was. We went at university, and I was putting on a production of Cinderella. Yes. And I was looking for a beautiful girl to play the part of Cinderella. So all over the university, I put up notices saying, "I'm conducting auditions. If you feel you have the looks and personality to be a fairytale princess, and a lot of beautiful young people turned up." Michelle was one of them, and I have to say it was, from my point of view, "Love at first sight?" She didn't say, "Yes, then." And she hasn't said, "Yes, yet." But the pursuit is everything. LAUGHTER And the four most important words in English language I've discovered through knowing Michelle, and they are, "Listen to your wife." And if you do that over the years, you will find all that things don't on the whole go wrong. So that is. Oh, I'm thinking, I'm going to be quite tearing up. Oh, this. Listen to your wife. Is my message. Listen to your wife. So there you are. APPLAUSE Sometimes it'd be nice to have a choice, but ladies and gentlemen. LAUGHTER Joe's brandress. Room 101 was written and presented by Paul Merton, with a digital material by John Owen and Sukey Webster. It was produced by Richard Wilson. It's a hatchet production of BBC Radio 4. APPLAUSE Yn gweithioedd yn ymwch i'n gweithioedd.