Guatemala w/ Robert Kelly | You Be Trippin' with Ari Shaffir

Propel Fitness Water. With Gatorade Electrolytes, Zero Sugar, and Vitamins. Propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self. What propels you? Propel with Gatorade Electrolytes. Hey guys, before we start the episode, I want you to know The End is coming. The End is nigh. It's this week. It's Thursday, April 16th, it comes out. My storytelling show, my legendary storytelling show, The End, is out this Thursday. Get an episode for $5.99. Robert Kelly, the guest on this week's episode of You Be Trippin', is on one, in addition to Sam Talent, Sarah Tolomash, Shane Gillis, and Dan Soder is on that episode. So, 106. And there's also, I'm in two different episodes, three actually, I'm hosting. You should get it. If you want to support me in all my endeavors, this is the time to do it. But, you can get all the episodes for $29.99, $30, starting on Thursday. However, right now, if you want, and I suggest you do, beat the rush and get all seven one-hour episodes of The End, my live storytelling show. You probably know it under a different name, but it's not that show. It's not that show. Wink, wink. That's what my lawyer told me to say. It's different than that other show. The culmination of the coolest storytelling show, coolest stand-up show in televised history. I'm not saying that lightly. Launch the careers of so many people you know, and we'll continue to do that in this, The End. All episodes for $24.99. Go to arishafir.com right now and grab one. All right. Start this episode, Guatemala. Watch the bumpers in this one, because I filmed them in cool spots. I stole this. Magic mind? No. Immunity shot. You stole that from the place? Mm-hmm. Right now? Yeah. Right in front of you. Complicit. I'm not complicit. I'm not complicit because I didn't see it. If I saw it and was like, are you stealing that? You know in movies, they would say, you're complicit in this. You were there. Are you hatting it? What? Are you hatting it? I might take it off. What do you think? I can take it off. I'll do my hat. I'll do my hat. Okay. Buddy, I'm not complicit because here's the deal. Yeah. In the movies, they say complicit. Oh, you were there. You should have known. You know, when they threaten people. Like, no, I didn't do it. I knew nothing about it. But that's what they always say. And then the cop goes, oh, yeah, I'm sure that won't stand in court. That's a scare tactic. It's not real. 100% scare. What were you doing? I didn't see him do it. He got me in for a bagel. I didn't know he was a klepto. I didn't know this is what he does. You didn't know it was a klepto? Didn't know. No, never. Would you pass a lie detector on that? Yes, I would. No, I did not. Dollar if I make this. $10 if you don't. Let's go. Damn it. Crazy. You stole another one? Oh, there you pull it. If you pull it too well. Where you been and where you going? This is Ari's Travel Show. Yeah. We're going to talk about travel today. It's UB Trippin'. Yeah. What do you want to do for cigars for this? Oh, I forgot bowls. Okay, listen. Yeah. Here's the deal. I'm going to present you with something. It's a choice of three. Okay. Okay? There is the Holy Grail, the motherfuckers. And they actually have something to do with a trip we've taken, right? Oh. Then we have. Then we have the very unique, the very rare cigar that I don't think you know about. Okay. A lot of people don't know about. Okay. And you really can't get, and I have. That one. Yeah. Okay? But then I have the dangerous. The. A cigar I got. Oh, God. It had to be. I'm here. I can hear you. It has to be. Sorry. I really was. You're trying to get to the point. To the home public. It's like a black comic. Yeah. I was just repeating it. A cigar. A cigar. You hear me? No. Buddy. Come on now. I got this cigar. Yeah. Oh, jeez. It has to be. Okay. Ten years ago. Ten years ago, I bought a box of these. I smoked them all except for two. And I've saved these two for me and you. But over the years, every time we were going to go smoke. Something came up. Something came up. Something happened. We smoked something else, blah, blah, blah. But these. I don't know if we smoked these, if they're going to be garbage or the best cigar. Are they acids? No. I would never smoke an acid. You gave me two acids once. Probably because I didn't want them. I'm looking back on it now, saying probably because you didn't want them. Yeah, I don't smoke. I was thinking maybe it'd be like. This thing, like, your arse already gave it to me, but no, now I realize you did give me the shit once. I don't like it. I don't like it. You're a king of giving shits. So, you have to make a choice. And I'm going to show you the choices. Okay. So, I'm not going to. I'm not going to just make it the choice, but I want to show you. Okay, look at. This one choice you can see. Look how dark the wrapper is. Oh, my God. That's supposed to be a clear wrapper. Yeah. Look at how dark that is. Okay? Yeah. Okay, so. If people don't know that, if you get a cigar like this, you might go, oh, this cigar's old or it's crap. Yeah. It's just that it's been in a humidor for a long time. Now, I don't know. Here's the thing. I don't know if these are going to be good. They might suck. Or we smoke these. Now, Tatawahe, my father. Two of my favorite brands. Correct? Right? Yep. So, what did Tatawahe and my father do? What did they do? Tatawahe joined with my father. Evil Empire. And my father joined with Tatawahe. Like the Nazis and the Italians. To make a Tatawahe, my father, my father. No, Tatawahe, my father, my father Tatawahe. It becomes. I believe it turns into a Tatawahe turns into a my father. I believe. And then my father. My father turns into a Tatawahe like a Camel Crush? I believe so. Like a Camel Crush. So, you have the Tatawahe first, my father second. And it has two bands. Look it. Two different bands. Yeah. From two different cigar companies. It has this down here. And then. I don't like it. It's called La Union. La Union. La Union. Yeah, maybe. Okay, so we have. I'm going to rule those out. What does it have to do with Guatemala? It doesn't have anything to do with Guatemala, but it's very close to Nicaragua. Okay. And it's just a good. It's like. It's a good cigar, right? It's a good cigar with good friends. Or. Or we go with. Something that was retrieved from. Cuba. Cuba. Cuba. On our last trip. Si. We went to Hotel Nacional. Nacional. And we bought. I bought these. I bought a box of these. I put them in my carry-on because I know better. I mean, I put them in my check luggage because I know better. You took all your cigars in carry-on because you're a numbskull. And told the guy. And told the guy. Right. So I have. So these are gone. So we're not going to smoke these. I have one other possible option for you. I know you like smoking yours, but those might be the ones. I want you to hold that. Those might be the ones. Ooh, the zombie. It's a zombie apocalypse. I'm pretty sure you can't get them anymore. I think we smoked these. And I don't know. They could be shit. Could be shit. It could fuck us up. I've got another possible option for you. Okay. I've got a story for you about Guatemala. You do? Yeah. You're not going to bring out a shit Guatemalan stick, right? Nope. Okay. No. I was in Antigua. Today's episode is Guatemala. It's Guatemala. I was in Antigua. Yeah. Landed at the airport in Guatemala City. All the advice was get the fuck out of there. Went straight in a cab with a French couple all the way to Antigua. Yeah. Second day, I found a cigar lounge. Okay. A lounge in Antigua. Yeah. Check it out. I'm staying in a hostel. I mean, whatever. Maybe second or third day. Went down there. I go, can I buy some cigars? Sure. Do you have Cubans? Absolutely, we do. Sure. Let me get one or two, whatever. And maybe I'll get. Oh, you got a house blend? Let me try that. Let me try one of those. Now, I had some cigars on me that I brought with me. I brought five in a little tight case. And I was like, can I smoke in the lounge? They go, well, it's going to be 20 quetzal. And I'm like, oh, no. You're not charging me to smoke in a lounge. Then I did the math, and it was about $1.40. Yeah. It's called a cutting fee. Yeah, sure. But I bought it there. Doesn't matter. Well, okay. You bought the cigar there. It does matter. That does matter. So. Yeah. What if it's a VIP lounge? Wasn't that VIP? So there are three other people there. Man, woman, dude. Child. And all North American accents. And I'm talking to them. And whatever. One's from Texas. Two are from. One's from Calgary. One's from somewhere else. I'm talking to them. The guy leaves. And it's another couple. I was like, so how did you guys find this place? And they go, we own it. I go, oh, really? They're like, yep. We're Canadian. We got married in Alberta. She's from maybe BC. I'm not sure. We've been living here for 20 plus years. And I was like, oh. It's so cool. We've been talking for a while. And I was like, you get Cubans? Like, yeah. Cubans all the time. What we have trouble with is getting American ones. And I go, well, I have a. Are you familiar with Nick Malillo? And they go, yeah. We know who that is. And I go, I have one of his sticks. And they go, if you bring me one of those. Like, we can't find it, my father. It's foundation. No, I know. But we can't find. They mentioned that. We can't find it, my father. Like, that's rarer for us. I'm like, I'm flush with those. They go, that's rare. rarer for us. Like if you bring in a foundation cigar or my father's cigar, I'll trade you. for some Cuban cigars, because we can't find them. And I was like, all right, if I come back. And I left a week later, came back to Antigua, traded them. I gave them a Rogan. I told them the whole story of the Rogan. I was like, this guy, Nick, made this blend. I was like, are you familiar with My Father the Judge and how they made this for the guy? They're like, I know that whole story. I go, well, this guy made it for this guy, Joe Rogan. It's a podcast. They go, what's a podcast? I'm like, it's like an internet radio show. They were like, wow, I had one. They go, we'll trade you. And they gave me some Placencias from Cuban. And I have yet to smoke them. But I got them from Guatemala, literally from Guatemala. They told me how the Cuban cigar quality has gone down and why. But they had these. And they go, let's make a trade. So I'm putting that into the ring, too. Can I see them? Yep. Those are your cigar feet. Those are my fingers. What are the odds that I actually brought it here or if it's in my house? Do you have a humidor in your house? I do. It's just a box. I'm happy to tell you, Bob, it's in my house. So we're not smoking. So we're not smoking those. So that whole story. That whole thing that you got my. Literally, like, you got me wet. That whole thing was like, wow, of course, we're smoking these cigars. We're going to smoke. Of course, we're smoking. Of course, the Cubans from Guatemala, from the couple that you gave a Rogan to. Yeah, it would have been. And you don't have them. I don't have them. So you just wanted to tell that story. I wanted to tell a story and smoke the cigar. Right. But you got the story first. You didn't get. You didn't think about. You thought. You thought about this right now. You were like, I got a story because that's your thing. Stories. You love stories in my storytelling show. Yeah, I did. I did do it. But you're a story guy. So you put the story before the cigar. You don't have to stop looking in there. Yeah, stop. They're not going to appear. Shut that. Put that down. They're not. I'd be funny if they just appeared. Wow. Hold on. Let me see if they're in this bag. I doubt it. I think I took it all down. God. Damn it. Yeah. Nope. How far is your house? God damn it is right. Okay. So how far is your house? That's 15 minute walk. Nah. Yeah, we're not going to do that. Okay. So that's out. Would have been nice. I need a second. To recover from that. Yeah, man. Because. I've been saving these Placentias for a year and a half. For the right moment. But there's no writer moment. Let me offer you a Cuban cigar. Let me offer you a Cuban cigar with a story behind it of a place we're about to go. Yeah, that's a, that's a, that's a tough one. But the thing is, is that I led up with all my little cigar stories like this one and then that one and then, and then you, you literally took us to another level with your story and I was like, my God, this is great. Yeah. This is what podcasting is made. This is what it is. Yeah. This is what it is. This is what it is. And then you, you forgot that you didn't have the scars. Can you please shut the box? They're not in one last look. There's not, they're not in there. I mean, I would see it. It's a gray band. No, it's not in there. Welcome to UB trip. So shitty. It was so shitty not to have that here. Uh, I wore my Guatemalan shirt. Yeah. And then I would have been so fucking perfect. Well, what do you want to smoke? So as the Guatemala, I think we smoked these or we smoked these because this is a rehash of the last episode that we were on. Yeah. I want to, I want to try those fucking, let's try these. Let's try these. These are now hit this two in there. There's one that's older than like not older. I think zombie antidote, zombie antidote. I think one is like seven years old and the old one is like eight or 10 years old. Best if used by, does it say that? No. Oh God. Close your eyes. I'll mix it up and then you pick one. Hold on. I'm mixing, I'm mixing, mixing, mixing, mixing, point right or left. Okay. Open your eyes. That one. Oh boy. You're going to smoke the rough one. Wow. You know, I don't want, I want you to smoke this one. Why? I want, cause I want you to have at least, I don't know. I don't know how that. I smoke Ecuadorian cigars. What does that mean? I mean, I can handle that. Let me see it. Guys, you're going to have to do some fucking, either put all this at the end or, or do like a, I don't understand how you get all this, but we haven't even started the podcast yet. No, we haven't. We haven't gotten to Ecuador. I mean, Guatemala. I mean, Jesus smells like a farm. Ooh, it does. Hi guys. Ari Shaffir here. We're breaking into today's episode to let you know a little bit about the guests. It's Robert Kelly. He's one of the finest comedians working today. He's also got specials available on YouTube, Killbox, and live from the Village Underground. I think Robert Kelly Live is another one. I don't know the titles of these things, you guys. I just know he kills. Robert is one of my best friends. You can go see him live right now. Get tickets at robertkellylive.com. You can go see him at Uncasville, Connecticut, Point Pleasant Beach, New Jersey at Unca Vinny's, Cleveland, Ohio at Hilarity's, Stanford, Connecticut, New Orleans, Louisiana at Howlin' Wolf, Mobile, Alabama, Levittown, New York, Austin, Texas at the Mothership, and Brooklyn, New York in September. Guys, subscribe for me right here at UB Trip and Putt. Whoa, shit. I don't want to tip. I'm going to tip. Later in the episode, Robert Kelly talks about going in there. There's a long thing down there where you can kind of go in. Otherwise, it's just a round lake. That's a volcano. That's a volcano. That's a volcano. First time I came here, the sunset right through those two. I was kind of down there. Those fucking boats go by, and they leave a wake. It kind of blows. Robert, you're one of my best friends. I got to tell you, when I smoked that cigar, if you're listening, I don't know if you are, but if you're listening, we made a deal to smoke a cigar on the same day at Lost City, Opus X, Lost Cities. Smoked it in a fucking nothing beach town, bro. I got to tell you. I smoked it in a nothing beach town. Playa Amarillo. There's like a little hike. You can see a sunset, and there was a thunderstorm, thunder and lightning, right this way. It was a thunder and lightning storm, and I just sat there on my deck, and I smoked that cigar, and I watched the thunder and the lightning going off. We were like, boom. We would light up the whole fucking little point there where you could go hike up and watch the sunset. You could watch it over that, but you could go up there and watch it past it. I just thought about you, man. I just thought about all our friendship and all the great cigars we smoked that started with that, but just in general, you're such a great part of my life, buddy. I know this is too earnest for a comedy podcast, but you're legit one of my best friends. I love you. I sat there and smoked that fucking one of the finest cigars I've ever smoked, and I thought about you. I thought about our time together, and it's been a great time. I honestly don't regret what happened between us that day. I think it was just a physical show of our emotional ties to each other. I don't think it says anything about us in particular. Openness, perhaps. An ability to roll with the punches, so to speak. But no, I don't regret it at all. I don't know if you told your lady about it and how she reacted, but listen, I don't think we should do it again. That's obvious. I don't think either one of us want to do it again. But it happened. And I don't know how confusing it was for you. It was very confusing for me, and I had a lot to deal with later, but I realized it had nothing to do with any sort of lifelong. way of being, you know? Like, I'm not a different person now. I'm not into different things, and nothing's going to change kind of who I hang out with. I'm not going to start protesting fucking, you know, Chappelle fucking specials now, you know? So I'm saying nothing changed. I'm still the same guy, and you're still the same guy. And anyway, the point is, I love you, buddy. All right, let's get back. To the episode. Also, you can see Robert Kelly right now. You can buy his episode of The End. It's available at. You can buy his episode for $10, or you can get all the episodes for a discount of $50. Yeah, for a discount. You get Robert's, you get everybody else's. The proceeds go to the comedians, and to me, and to YMH, and to Eric Abrams. Enter just a bunch of people, and I wouldn't charge you whatever. but communities are making some moolah out of this one so uh get your episode right now sign up subscribe wherever you're watching or listening tag uh you be tripping if you the you be tripping pod if you sign up for a uh if you put your sticker up somewhere or if you see one of the stickers that i put up and you think it's one of the ones i put up and um then uh tag you be tripping pod and i'll get you which i do oh maybe a free ticket to i'm not touring for a while so that won't work well we'll at least repost you we'll at least repost you um tell them where you saw it too and what you did there like a little story uh all right guys let's get back to the episode bobby i love you buddy hey everybody i should be breaking in to tell you that i got the price wrong um it's not 99 per episode tom told me that was crazy so people are way too poor they can't afford that um he said 50 bucks for the season is nuts he goes i get it he goes that's that's a bottle you for me um but that's for them that's like about a week's salary and i'm like a week's salary what do you have a bottle of water 50 bucks he goes well i go into businesses take them over uh buy them and then sell them off um get the waters they end up costing me about 50 bucks a piece after that i i don't do it for a profit i just do it for the waters i i enjoy expensive he said so the real price is 5.99 per episode for an hour long stand-up that's about a dollar every 10 minutes or you can get seven for the price of five if you buy the whole series 29.99 um although also if you get it right now you can get seven for the price of four if you get it by before the 15th you gotta do it by the 15th so today's monday monday tuesday wednesday get it for 24.99 for the entire series now let's get back to go to ari shafir.com uh to buy the end my dream come true you'll be supporting me and you'll be getting the sickest televised stand-up in decades and maybe one decade okay back to back to guatemala welcome to you be tripping everybody it's a travel podcast uh it's the only one in the world that has two comedians smoking cigars while they talk now my guest today is bobby kelly and he's been to guatemala i've been there too but he's going to tell us about it every week on this ep on this show a guest who's been to some place takes us uh to that place tells us about their trip it's not a a travel guide it's experiential so they just tell us what they did we get facts wrong left and right in here if you want to comment comment we get you got everything wrong well that's what this podcast is all about now bobby kelly is making his second appearance on this podcast yeah first was when we went to cuba and you got me that i did isn't that beautiful it is beautiful i mean and did you know i was getting that for you no it is you hit me with it in the airport i guess we talked about in the outro we did we did it's such a beautiful i love art i love art and it doesn't have to be you know holy god this is worth you know twenty thousand dollars i don't know i don't know i don't know i love local art if you can find a local artist this is like i remember in new york city they used to have this guy that would anytime they ripped down a building to build a new building he would break into the uh site at night and dig through the rubble and he would find rubble he would find uh it is a great word he would find uh spoons and forks and cups from like the 30s or 20s then he would go back and find out sounds like one of mine uh he would find out where it's from and then make art out of it and then on the back you could find out this cup this coffee cup was from the 1920s the spoon is from the 1930s oh that's cool and he would do all the research on it and then it might i have it hanging on my wall it's a coffee cup with a spoon and it looks like it's smoking so he made a little he halved it and made art out of it what's this got to do with uh i don't know i just art what are you doing you're smoking the wrong way no i'm not this is the i don't know that's a good question what this gotta be this you like this no why would you buy a completely enclosed thing you're right you're right you need a torch well sometimes they close it no this is a cap you're right yeah so how old is it it's gotta be 10 years old i bought this box box when i was when i was working when i worked uh when i was headlining at gotham my first time like one of my first here's how i know it's your first time because you said headlining it's only a rookie thing to say you would have been like i was playing gotham yeah so let's talk about where are we going today bob we're going to guatemala guatemala guatemala yeah and here's the thing with the gallo beer home with the quetzal and the quetzal tica the this was the first trip that i took um because look i grew up in medford massachusetts i didn't we didn't vacation you didn't go anywhere you went to like you went an hour away you went to like hampton beach maybe or you know that's it you didn't do vacations we didn't you didn't go anywhere my family never went anywhere so then later in life that blows when i started to travel with stand-up i think the first place i went was amsterdam i was i fell in love with other places i was like oh my god look at the cobblestone and the the buildings and the people and i loved it but then there's another form of traveling when you're traveling into a place that is dangerous that's another level of traveling yeah canada you don't get that the first country we've been the second country we've been together besides america canada not so dangerous third country denmark not so dangerous not dangerous i mean is there danger like any city yes but it's nice you can go anywhere walk around coffee wear a scarf a fucking dumb hat leave your baby outside jump up leave your baby in a stroller outside while you're in a store when shopping not suggested but yes they were doing that left and right when we were there they were yeah we were like what i remember the guy was like what do you mean like what if somebody steals your baby goes what why would someone do that that's like that's like saying what if someone gouges his eyes out who's gonna do that but here's the thing when i was jack fawn you know jack fawn he was uh started coming to central records okay uh he worked at serious he's a very talented guy very good guy but he's a very thin small dude wouldn't even he's just you know i mean you wouldn't even if i told you this guy was a world traveler an adventurer jack fawn that's right you would be like no way he lived in guatemala for he went to high school in guatemala his father his father was like um worked for the u.s and in guatemala they lived there i believe there was seven assassination attempts on his father's life and none hit i think the book is called kill the gringo his father's book really i believe so yeah bring it up kill the gringo i got it there's a book on his father uh yeah they tried to kill uh him seven times i believe he survived yeah he survived no that's a movie sorry really hang on let me find the book uh kill the gringo the life of jack hood vaughn that's it got it that's it yeah okay great book by the way really great read this guy was un unbelievable wow um yeah read a little bit of that the thing read a bit of the life of jack vaughn america uh american diplomat of peace corps u.s ambassador columbia panama and he was in guatemala and so jack lived there went to high school there wow and he would go back and forth all the time so he calls me up one day he goes i'm going to guatemala would you want to come in my brain i'm thinking i'm thinking south america i'm thinking acapulco i'm thinking uh you know what i mean i'm thinking aruba i'm thinking i'm thinking this is going to be great of course i'll go yeah i love rice and beans you know what i mean i love fajitas right so the night before we're going i start to do a little research in guatemala and i go to the website uh and it literally says don't go state department website state says if you don't need to go to guatemala don't uh you can be robbed at the airport uh i'm i'm i'm panicking now guatemala travel advisor let's see what it is right now let's see what it is reconsider travel to guatemala due to crime some areas have higher risk please be full travel do not travel to san marcos department due to crime uh huay huay tenango department except city of huevo tanango due to crime i've been to both the department and the city and zone 18 in guatemala city and the city of villanueva due to crime okay okay so so i'm like i'm paying i call jack he's like don't worry you're gonna be fine blah blah blah yeah we fly in i have four thousand four hundred dollars cash oh i bought a money belt with that four hundred no but i bought it i'm hard but that's when i was fat right so i was really i was just a tub of shit at the time and it's the only kind of belt you could use buddy here's the rest of the belts didn't have enough loops my belt was the only one here's the here's the problem making fun of this dead guy who's fat you're like start to get hurt and you're like it's not me anymore here's the funny part about when you're fat you have a money belt you still have to pull the money belt up over your stomach so you still have to go when you're going to go to the gym you still have to go to the gym you still have to go to the gym you want to pay for something you can't just reach down you have to kind of pull it up and they show them that you have the money belt so you had to like under my tits half the time but we put do we pull up into guatemala city uh the airport and i am i'm panicking i'm having a heart attack like i'm really i'm from boston you know me and we've had an experience together what happens to me when i get when i get scared i get boston fight fight a flight i'm like fight i'm like i'm fucking angry out of the gate yeah when i'm there yeah because i heard somebody was like they'll steal your underwear at the airport so i'm i'm like i'm fucked that's not great you're like i need these underwear i'm wearing them so jackie we go to a rent-a-car place he's renting a car he speaks fluent spanish so i'm sitting there i don't i know c and that's it i know c and that's it yeah so we rent this car it takes forever to rent the car by the way you don't just walk in however you gotta wait and the guys and then they bring it then you gotta walk around it you gotta figure everything out and then go ahead keep going so then he goes all right we're gonna make a stop we drive we're in downtown guatemala and he stops at a park just a park and you pull in you park the car uh and then you're walking through this park in the city and all of a sudden there's a guy sitting down and you give him guatemala city guatemala city you give him a you give him you're in a park though it's a nice little park it's nothing too crazy it's nice and as you're walking jack's like picking stuff up like little pieces of like clay and obsidian and he's like that's a that's a knife this is a pottery from thousands of years ago thousand years ago like it's in the ground i'm like what all of a sudden there's a guy sitting there we pull up and he gives him some money and he allows us into this thing the new burke crusher flip-flops by freewaters wherever you go there they are get them actually i actually don't know where to get them but just asper get them so apparently under guatemala city is all ruins what and they excavated this one part of this park they excavated it it's a pyramid like an ellipto right in downtown guatemala city so because they have those so so here's guatemala city right here right this i believe is you know what i gotta do on this whenever i open up a map i see stuff saved i'm gonna look at it but i think this is probably where the ruins are to call yeah and so that you're saying was also it stands to reason lower in the country in guatemala city wow in guatemala city now it wasn't as big as that yeah but it was buried and thousands of years of leaves and dirt and blah blah blah yeah it just covered it so they excavated it and you can go down and walk through this ancient city where people used to live in guatemala but as you're walking out you look down and there's a piece of pottery from a thousand years ago so i'm just picking it up and putting it in my pocket okay i mean it's just crazy to me yeah that this he he'd pick it up and be like this is that's obsidian knife that's obsidian that's probably from a knife wow like a years ago so dude we so then we get in the car we drive we're in guatemalan traffic and it's bumper to bumper chicken buses and i'm just he's what go ahead i'm gonna write notes down so keep going dude he i'm i'm like looking at these people on this chicken bus and i don't understand he's like that's how you get around you you if you came here by yourself you'd jump on one of these chicken buses and it would take you to where you need to go okay and i'm like oh my i'm just flipping out but i'm terrified we will tell you what chicken buses are chill yeah so so we're uh we're driving we're going to antigua right that's the first spot but i don't know i i know that we're going there but i don't know we drive for i don't know maybe an hour is it an hour outside the city maybe a little longer uh yeah from here to here so not too long but it's through the mountains you gotta go up and through the mountains beautiful drive if i remember beautiful drive until the point we go there we're driving up we pull into this city and it's like going back in time it's like being on a movie set antigua yeah because you've never you never seen anything like this it's just the roads the the doors the the houses the restaurants the smell it smells like a fire it smells um like you know what i mean you know when you're on a campfire but it's like because people are using this to cook shit they're using wood to actual wood yeah and that right yep i know what you mean so we wind up going to this uh we'll walk it now i'm pan i'm still scared but there is a level of okay this is i see me around you know what i mean when you see you around it's a good year is this this is before max this is over 10 years ago wow okay okay but as soon as you see your face then you're like you're okay you're you you relax a little bit we wind up going to this city and we're like oh my god we're going to this city and we're going to this restaurant we were walking around these ruins we went to this church we're looking at art we're looking at all this stuff and it was amazing and i got my little gopro i'm doing my little vlog shit you know and uh we go to a restaurant so i go upstairs in the restaurant and uh to use the bathroom and i take my money belt out and i take it off because i'm fat at the time so i gotta piss so i just take it off i put it on the back of the toilet no yeah all of it all my money oh because you were so relieved from having dumped i was so relieved of being in a restaurant um you know i didn't i wasn't thinking you were just like i feel so good to piss i took a shit i took a shit i had a shit if i had a pee i wouldn't have taken it off i had a shit so i took it off i took a shit i put it on the back we leave oh dude 400 in 20s too which looks like a million dollars to them yeah right yeah so we leave and then i panic and i go uh and i talk to you i'm like jack and we go back it's gone right away it was within a half hour i mean they're just 20 to a half hour i'm building a village i paid for somebody's school i was on school like my kid can't into college now i own a college uh with my 400 that sucked that was a that's a slap in the face damn right away at the beginning of your trip right the first day now at a moment like this your trip could easily and no one would blame you be ruined and you could be like i'm going home fuck that and no one would really blame you well i can't go home i don't know where i am i don't know how to get back i don't know how to take a chicken bus back you know what i mean yeah jack is like and jack you know he's like don't worry about it i'll got you i'll i'll give you what you need you don't need he's like you don't need a lot for what we're doing you don't need a lot for what we're doing you don't need a lot for what we're doing when we're we're visiting places we're having a little bit of food and then we're flying home it's a it's a two-day trip yeah it's a thursday friday saturday it's a thursday friday let's come back saturday that's so cool that he made this trip for you it's insane um so he's like all right we have to go now i don't know where it is it was a volcano with a lake i here's a this is my suggestion anybody goes traveling again bring a notepad a little notepad and bring a pencil or a pen and as you're going to places and stuff hits you write it down where you are you know what i mean this is gonna be a fun one you know why it's gonna be a fun one why because some of these things you're gonna be talking about i have pictures of no yeah the volcano with the lake lake what is it called it's right here buddy and you have to go from the village over to the island hold on hold on you're talking about the center near the ruins no it's it's probably an hour or two away from antigua hang on okay where did we go the first time we went to guatemala the lake the lake the hotel and the island an island island makes me think it was near florida florida is near near um near here no dude it it's it's an island we went to there was a lake and i took so we we we drove this one that i never made it to up here it's not that far this is about a 10 hour no no no no no no no so we had to drive through the jungle okay he goes listen we're gonna be driving through the jungle it's at night it's raining there's no there's no there's it had to be over there but there's no island in here but maybe you want to cross to the other side of the jungle and we're gonna be driving through the jungle - Oh, that could be. - What about the other body of water? What's the other one? There's one down, what's that? the ocean no uh over there see that little thing over there we're here uh yeah what's that what is it let's see what's that called laguna de araya is that a volcano because there's 900 volcanoes in guatemala yeah so like what are we talking about then yeah so you sure you didn't just fall asleep nobody because here's what happened on the way to this place yeah jack goes like this listen we're going we're driving for a while we're going to be going through the jungle it's raining out if there's a roadblock we're not stopping no it was that bad yeah he said if there's a roadblock we're just going i'm just gonna you're gonna have to hold on and we're just driving through we're not stopping that's crazy because apparently when he went to when he was uh in high school his prom night he got pulled over by the gorillas at gunpoint on their knees on the way to the prom the only thing that saved them another car pulled up of other kids they pulled them over and let them go i think these guys are richer i don't know he doesn't know and he doesn't know what happened to those kids what they just let him go what's this one this is pretty far away this is an island what's the name of it i don't know i bet it's atilan but there's just no island it's flores it's near flores we well here's the thing we we drove through the jungle yeah in the middle of the night it was terrifying on these roads too people know these roads so you're driving on these roads below uh they're the worst and there's huge buses that travel on these roads and careen off the fucking road all the time we were driving we saw a bus in the gully down like it just went off huh a chicken bus a chicken bus in the ravine off the road jesus um jesus so we drive all night and we pull into this town and and now it's just them we're the only ones of us and it's just them it's like i don't know 10 30 at night and we're walking around in this town now you're nervous i mean you got jack well i don't i'm i'm nervous right yeah i'm nervous these are great these are really good these are fucking i mean tasty dude yeah i mean these are tastier than they've ever been wow huh shout out to the uh zombie antidote wish you wouldn't have gone out of business i don't know if they're out of business i think they just stopped making this brand so so dude we pull up at night and we're i mean dude it's like a it's like a movie yeah walking around and they'll you know it's just like bars open and like you know cheesy little restaurants open and i and i'm hungry you know because i'm fat bob this is fat bob oh yeah i think i'm going there like fucking andrew zimmerman or fucking you know anthony bourdain this is the trip i think i'm going on before i find out that you're going to get robbed at the airport before i find out we're not stopping at these the gorillas will take you hostage before you know what i mean welcome to the end everybody it's a storytelling show me and my comedian friends we're all telling true and really terrible stories into a toddler's face wild face sometimes regretful every std horrible i'm gonna fuck you up and amazing stories we just got started i'm gonna stop the terrorists you're in trouble that's reality huh it's gonna be a good night it's gonna kill us all i'm about to be you should be in jail hey man are you okay i actually do well you don't fucking talk to me okay uh how did i get here how did this happen that's a good question you guys ready to start the show hey guys today's episode of ubi trippin is brought to you by mars men you know as you get older the dad bod becomes more and more like uh prevalent in your age group i'm talking about men over 30. uh even over 40 or 50 over 60 all of them uh the women don't really have to deal with dad bods huh hmm female privilege on that yeah we made it in style for a while we said dad bods were cool thank you adam sandler um but it's out people caught on we were just faking that's why mars 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then we check into this he he really treated me right because we checked into this hotel that was right on the right on the lake right looking at the volcano this beautiful hotel uh almost like a boutique type of hotel and we get in there we wake up the next day uh i mean there's this beautiful spread of fruits and and breakfast and blah blah blah and he's like and he comes out and we're having breakfast you can see the sun coming up and the volcano he goes all right great you're going on a trip today and i'm like what he goes we're gonna go over there we're gonna take a boat to what he wants me to go he's like i want you to go see maximum is that a person or temple the guatemalan people prayed a maximum it's a guy with a top hat and a cigarette and at the time i smoked so you're supposed to go there and give them you know money or cigarettes you can throw them into maximum i don't know either to me it's all zombie shit like voodoo crazy shit right so and uh so we go over on this we go down to the seaport we jump on this boat it takes us across the lake over to the other side or i believe it was an island i believe it was an island but i could be wrong okay there's a whole nother village over there he finds this kid god i have a i gotta get you photos you gotta be photos he was a kid he had a boy body he's around this tall like like maybe this tall with a man face he had a scar from here to here he's a man it was a kid with him like he looked like a bond villain i'm gonna tell you something i noticed about guatemala shortest people in the world yeah everyone's like the mayans got wiped out what happened to the mayans they're there they're wearing t-shirts they're tiny so dude i said that i go i never i didn't need a money bag i didn't need a money bag i didn't need a money bag i just needed to put my money in this pocket if you see somebody jumping just pull the top of their head and go don't do that so uh see uh so dude yeah we're going over in the boat he finds this kid and maximo he's talking to this kid about taking me to see max maximus maximo maximo okay he's like you know talking you know and i don't know a lick of shit right so i'm just sitting there like what he goes okay he's gonna take you i go you're not coming what do you mean he goes no jack no no no he's coming he's not coming he's coming he's not coming he's not coming i go he goes you have to do this on your own you have to you got i go what's the coming of age ceremony what are you the fucking one from the matrix buddy i'm so scared dude i'm terrified now i'm walking with this kid with a scar from here to here he has a man face child body man face boy body man face boy body and i'm walking with him and i'm going to see maximon which i don't even know what that is we're gonna ask him when you see him i don't know so we're walking through this village dude village like old school and this kid just keeps turning around going like not even talking just doing this and we walk up a hill and we take a right now we're in a neighborhood so now it's not even like where the church and the stores and stuff we're in a hood like a like where people live they live and it's me just a little fat bob kelly i think i had a wristband on my wrist like a headband on my wrist um i had a you know a little fag bag on i look like a tourist and i'm walking through this village and then he takes me to this a woman's house a house somebody's house first floor and he's like yeah yeah yeah and i she goes okay so i have to give her uh i think i gave her five bucks where'd you get the money i had i had money from jack jack wanted to hook me up with cash okay he was like i got you until he gave me he gave me like uh a hundred bucks cash and uh because he was down there to buy things we'll get into that later um so i would decide your last the last one i had in here was what your buddy buying things in another south south american country really yeah one of those buddies is dead now oh you mean coochie yeah that was a great trip is that what he wants to no no no no no no he i'm telling you dude this guy is a he's a harrison ford dude he needs a whip and a fucking hat jack vaughn needs a whip and a hat because he's that guy yeah dude he's that guy so he's off i think he sent me away to go do some of his stuff that he does you know what i mean yeah what do you mean stuff that he does like buy tough things didn't work so damn the light is right there i know but i wanted to fill it up it didn't work um that's because you didn't you didn't push out the last you got to push out the last last what when you fill refill a butane lighter you have to get a pen or a thing or and push out make sure there's no more stuff in it oh you can fill it no you gotta degas it if it's half full you can make it all the way full you gotta degas it you are an expert anybody a cigar guy anybody's gonna back me up anybody's not gonna back you up okay all the people who not weigh in on my side please comments below is it empty i mean it wasn't working is it half full what's this is it half full what's this though turn it you have to turn it no that's the problem i didn't turn it well maybe if you didn't fill it it's not my fault but it's you're supposed to gas it i didn't gas it out you're supposed to gas it out you're supposed to gas it out you're supposed to gas it out i hope i light on fire right now i hope my whole arm just catches let me see oh wait can i see it yeah can i see the thing down there though this is the problem with you but there's a thing down there i just twist it i pulled that out and twist it all the way around that's the higher and lower that's you actually turned it down oh you turned it upside down did it turn it upside down always turn the light upside down and then light it if it's not lighting yeah and it's not lighting because you didn't gas it out so the gas isn't coming out correctly but now it's now yeah all right all right all right anyways so yeah fucking autistic asshole you are you went right into it yeah but you suck me into your autism i'm mark zuckerberg it's nuts and you're the american public nuts and i forget that you have it because i always chalk it up to you being intelligent but it's not you are smart but you're also my mind's another thing it's like birds you're nuts yeah you're nuts it's all over that's why there's so much shit around that's all they see is this they don't see that anyways uh all that shit the paint brushes that's just the american public paint brushes right so anyways dude we i'm with this kid he takes me to this lady's house i'm all by myself i'm overweight which is the worst you know because they're just gonna i'm just picturing they cook me over a fucking like a bug's bunny just just turn me over a fire like a fat american oh my god we go into this house and there's uh to the right is her place over to the left is like a a sectioned off little banister and this little guy bring up maximone on the computer this little guy it looks like a puppet with a top hat like a lincoln hat smoking a cigarette and this is who they pray to so i had to give him cigarettes what that's him dude who the fuck is maximo that's him right there that's the guy this one the second one down oh the top one top one left it's all the way over the left yeah that's that's maximo oh my god so i'm in somebody's house dude and this motherfucker is there that's maximo oh my god so i gotta give i have to give he's got a candle on his head he's got money pinned to him he's got booze at his base yeah you black people seem to know him you give you give offerings to this guy go that guy gave his hand someone else gave money this guy gave his hand with a watch on i don't i think that's just a guy fixing something but yes i'm not sure because i got a black hand with a watch like oh maximum would love that go to the other go to the other one let me see the other one i don't know if they see that i don't know if it's all it did now look at see that one there's different ones there's different maximums there's not the same all kinds of different ones right so that but do they take wait a minute this is the boy is this a traveling maximone like is this is this got the same guy that just gets goes the one maximo i don't know that's an interesting question i think there might just be one i think i saw the one might be maximo i it all looks the same right yeah but i think that's it dude i think i saw the one that's the same one right wow maximon guatemala yeah yeah you saw the only maximo i don't know man there's another maximo but that don't look like maximo that looks good that looks like max it's like an artist rendition 2025 okay what the fuck that looks like max yeah this is the same guy everywhere the same exact so go yeah go to the right go to the right that one right there i think i went to that oh my god i think that was in somebody's house dude and there's maximo yeah oh my god so i go into the thing and that little statue's there it's just me this this lady this little boy man face you got a knack for finding people's places right and me and i don't know what to do i'm catholic main first boy body yeah do i i'm catholic do i pray do i what yeah is this anti-jesus or super pro jesus so then here's the thing i i i put some cigarettes down as a tribute as a tribute because he has a cigarette in his mouth he smokes see the cigarette yeah he smokes so i put i put the cigarette smokes say maximo so let's say it was in the guatemala highlands there was a uh okay that's where i was okay i know don't say it don't say it why it's the one i was thinking of that's the one yeah that's it that's my pictures yeah okay great yeah so i was on that lake so i just went to the other side of the lake is what i got so we just took a boat to the other it wasn't an island yeah you went to the other side it seems like it can i say why not why are we not saying this i want to guide people to places too much let them find it themselves what yeah i don't want to get an overrun on people like i heard that's what you're supposed to do i don't want to get an overrun on people like i heard that's what you're supposed to do they'll do it buddy let me tell you something first of all nobody's going to this place no buddy i saw a lot of backpackers there when i was there it's getting bigger yeah but you have to go to that village i'll tell you what we'll say the name of the lake we will not say the village where's the village they're not saying the village i won't say the village but where is it just highlight it for me uh somewhere there's a lake which goes by the name lake lake by the name of uh la la lago means lago atiban atitan atitan yeah okay okay uh okay so propel fitness water with gatorade electrolytes zero sugar and vitamins propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self what propels you propel with gatorade electrolytes this episode is brought to you by state farm listening to this podcast and of doom scrolling smart move another smart move getting help from one of state farm's 19 000 local agents when you choose to bundle home and auto bundling just another way to save with the personal price plan prices are based on rating plans that vary by state coverage options are selected by the customer availability amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state so dude around this lake is a bunch of mayan villages by the way okay okay so these people are this this whole town is old school i come out of maximum guess who's not there the man man face boy body man face boy body that's not great he's gone that's not great so now dude i gotta i'm walking trying to find that's not great it's not great you don't want that for most people but my nickname is bobby gps yeah so i know where i'm going your nickname is bobby gps i know instinctually i have a compass in me that i know where to go i know how to kind of find you so i didn't panic because i'm like listen i just gotta walk back down to the water in my brain i gotta find water and i'm good right okay but i'm walking through the village um i'm walking through this village and dude i'm it's like panicking because i walk through dude there's dying dogs just dogs dying on the ground oh i walk through an open air market of all these people and they're you know yelling at me huh yeah i'm telling them not to show this yeah um and all you know all the food and blah blah blah and it's like uh you were where i was looking i was where you were looking yeah i went wow and i'm walking around by myself wow and now i'm panicking yeah this is so fucking adventurous too i don't know what jack is he just sent me off with man face boy body man face boy body man face boy body leaves me at maximum right so now i gotta find my way back so what do i do what do you do i find i do what any new yorker would do take the subway no halo cab no any east coast person would do throw a pair it's a fucking jew when he's just going to the fucking get his shit clean these goddamn kids show no respect that's what i did and guess what as soon as i did that i found the first jew they carried me down to the lake no what did you do i found a coffee place guatemalan coffee some of the best in the world cafe leche baby i know that cafe leche due azúcar two sugars two sugars okay si cafe leche due uh due azúcar and i i had i still what what what what what what is it what yeah yeah no do azúcar por favor sure gracias sure what do you mean sure i mean yeah i don't understand it doesn't you don't mean yeah what's sugar azúcar azúcar what's the a do it a do a do a is like is like i think portuguese do a do a two dos dos oh do a is what maybe portuguese is that italian maybe italian you know what i'm doing on do lingo i'm doing italian you're doing duolingos i'm doing duolingos you got duolingua yeah so these are the chicken buses the chicken buses dude are crazy crazy we've got to your story first then we'll cover the details so i just dude i do i do what you should do i find a cafe uh i sit down outside at the in the chair i got a coffee unbelievable guatemala coffee though off the chart off the chart dude that's when i realized it's like i'm done having shit coffee i'm done making a pot of coffee in the morning i'm not making a pot of coffee you know i don't want to do what i don't want to go dunk a donuts and get coffee i'm done i'm gonna have coffee i want it to be good yeah i want to i'd rather have one good cup of coffee yeah then 15 shit cups of watery fucking deli coffee in new york i used to drink deli coffee all the time but then i started going to europe amsterdam getting actual real coffee getting actual coffee and you're like oh my god this tastes like chocolate right so i'm sitting i'm smoking butts you went there i went there wow on a boat wow on one of these little boats like this on a little boat that brought us over there first of all the phones now are crazy that's right i should not be able to see there's a person on this boat yeah it's nuts that's nuts when that's cia stuff when this is the picture in 1985 yeah that's in like a spy enhance section two four okay section four now section three enhance more zoom in on the man as much as i can do okay that's well i live in the future but the present also so dude i'm sitting there like this i'm just smoking i'm smoking my i'm just like you know what if this is the way i go that's fine smoking a cigarette having coffee and all of a sudden i look up on the top of the cobblestone hill coming down who is it jack jack i was gonna say maybe smiling loving it he's been on his own adventure he's been here he lived here he knows all this shit hey what's up he's like how was it not even a care in the world he goes i'm like go off i go man man face boy buddy left man face boy buddy's gone jack gone and he goes you found your way back i go no i didn't i just found this place he goes well that's good you found we found each other he goes that's what traveling is bro he goes you figure it out you figured it out you sat down you had a cup of coffee trying to relax you thought you couldn't figure it out and you did figure it out isn't the best too when you're mad like well this is like but i'm we already solved it so so you're yelling about something that's already been taken care of yeah and you know it's like but i'm still mad yeah before the emotion's still there are you bringing up cuba no okay i'm in general because i'm still mad about that i mean you were wrong but uh i mean dead wrong not my vibe 20 minutes it would have been your vibe oh 100 20 minutes it would have been your vibe 100 it would have went from yacht rock to uh uh buena vista show so club in 20 minutes and we would have been french fries deep and a half a cuban cigar deep and we wouldn't have fought and we wouldn't fight but let's go to guatemala where stuff is safe here's the thing yeah so so then we go back we go back to the uh we go back to the hotel yeah uh we get our shit we're gone dude this is early morning right jack doesn't live on atitlan does he huh that doesn't live around atitlan uh around the lake what'd you say jack doesn't live around the lake no he doesn't have a place there he lived uh downtown guatemala they lived in the uh you know his father was a u.s you know they lived in a okay they lived in a place you know what i mean so he goes we gotta go because we're dry we're literally it was only uh friday coming back saturday i think we left thursday left thursday we did thursday thursday afternoon it's such a quick trip we left friday saturday left friday came uh did saturday came back sunday so here's the lake or the whole trip so that we left friday went came into guatemala drove to this place friday drove to this place friday night right did the uh man-faced boy body maximon on saturday jesus and then he goes we have to we're going to another place what do you mean he brings me to a one of the oldest outdoor markets in the world right it's old oh my god uh and we go there he goes i have to go and i want to get some stuff antiquities let's say first of all cool word it's i love saying it yeah and uh he's getting some stuff whatever he's getting right he likes to buy stuff right uh legally so bro not cooch he goes we got to take another drive so we get into the car yeah we're driving and through the jungle again again he gives me the pep talk if there's a rope we're not stopping we're driving through i mean we do we're driving through the jungle again we're driving through old and he's like all the people that know like in guatemala the houses are not finished so you have the second and third floor with the with just like the like metal rebounds yeah yeah and you know the reason for that i've heard but go ahead what do you what do you say i don't know what i what i know i don't know if it's true because uh it's taxes if your house isn't finished they can't tax you on the house so what they do is they they half build a floor and they don't have to pay for it so they don't have to pay for it so they don't have to pay for it so they don't have to pay for it so they don't have to pay for it so they don't have to pay for it when i was in israel in yeshiva we finished one of the tractates of talmud one of the like the books sure and my rabbi go hey before we have a little party because it takes like you know a month to finish this whole book study it all and all the commentary goes let's do the first page of the next book so it's not like we're done we're starting so we're always never finished learning right wow that's not what i so here's what i heard they went home got started getting american money 20 bucks a day that's fucking you know so much money all i need is 17 to live i'll send these extra three home you know i'm fine keep sending the money now you get an american wife you start doing whatever and you're like i'm not sending that money anymore and they run out of money to build could be what you're saying though i i'm pretty sure yours sounds right like you said at the beginning of this podcast yeah it's not factual it's not factual yeah but i'm pretty sure if you look and you look at the favelas in brazil you look at a lot of these third world countries same and yeah half ecuador had those too yeah i was like so i thought maybe it was that because if something's finished they can tax you on that house if you're still building they can't tax you so we're driving through all these places i remember this one thing this fucked me up so bad and i don't know what i don't understand it um we're driving and this is before you knew everything about everything that way social media is now i think it was my space back then where you still we were we weren't all connected the world was not connected yet right there was no netflix it was still a lot of books it was still uh videos you got sent to your house netflix right it was so weird oh and you'd be like i want the the worst was series because you're like well it's a six disc series right you know it's like the first half episode season one second half episode and then you're like hey we're actually don't have in stock right now some movies i'll go to the next one and you're like we don't have season three first disc we'll send you the next ones on your list which is season three second disc and season four first disc yeah it was annoying yeah that company's never gonna make it yeah never gonna make it and it almost didn't right didn't it almost fail like something happened all it was all documentaries yeah something went something happened with netflix i forget what it was was it the digital thing or i don't know so i remember that it was going to kill they killed blockbuster and they moved on to comedy central killed that and blockbuster was like ah fuck them it's not gonna happen we killed errol's video you think we can't take topple you so dude we're driving i remember this we're coming up through the jungle roads and stuff like that and we're going through this old village and it's it's just like you know maybe 10 or 12 houses and they're all decrepit and then you can see people and they're all like oh my god we're going to kill them and we're going to kill them and we're going to kill them and we're going to kill them and we're going to kill them and we're going to kill them and we're going to kill them and it was coming i had my window open wild dogs outside dogs but it was this tall it was it was a that was a llama it was the no it was it was the biggest dog i've ever seen in my life walking towards us like saw our car like it's never seen one it came towards the car very big doggish you know that little trot it does uh-huh and it just went up to my window right where you are and and i jumped back into the fucking car because it was i like this level like i'm in the car its head was here like this high and its head was it was the biggest fucking dog i've ever seen in my life just came right to us oh oh no even deeper let me try again try again you try do it again that yeah and i i go jack what the fuck kind of dog was that he goes and this is a guy who's seen the world he's like i i don't know what that was man-faced dog body it might have been man-faced dog body's dog and jack's like i'm actually stumped on this so we drive all the way we pull into this place and as soon as we park i think like 13 women with little tiny hats on their heads like little uh little abe lincoln hats which i don't know what that is so it's all these women and south america americans like white people we like three colors yeah we like basically we wear two colors or three three at the most is our color people in south america all the colors it's christmas all the fucking time they wear all the colors let's see here yeah um the little yeah where's the ones with the little the little uh abe lincoln hats on their head abe lincoln stovetop yeah let me see so look at all the colors dude they do not they do not it's gorgeous the handiwork there is so fucking beautiful so i'm surrounded yeah i'm surrounded by these ladies and kids so there's women and kids and they surround me no with rugs and blankets at this market as soon as the car pulls up they see jack's now look i can pass as a spanish person at that point i was chubby i was tan you know what i mean i got nice lips jack jack's jack's just a white dude he's just a nerdy white dude right any of these no um yeah you don't have any pictures is that right there the lady in the middle uh no uh so stuff like that but it was it was more abe lincoln-ish you know what i mean yeah it was more like little hats on their head okay can you type in little little abe abe like like top hats guatemalan ladies see if that comes up because i swear to god they will look like little abe lincoln hats but it might have been that here's the thing you don't have any pictures it might have been i do i just i will find them you got to find them and send it to me i have video and and bobby this is disappointing okay you'll send them because i don't know if you're aware of this so this is i'm right now in the second year of this podcast you'll be tripping yeah we had an awards ceremony for the first year wow the trippies all right you won a trippy i won best pictures when cuba where's my award it's right here did i win something yeah you won an award i've never won anything dude is that it are you giving it to me now is that not mine did you that one's yours can i open it later you can open it you can open whatever you want okay open it at the end oh my god i'm so happy when trippy buddy i've never won an award i mean i trippy i won a couple can i tell you the awards i won chips that's not an award really that's not an award yeah i won everyone gets a chip yeah i won the devro lux award which is uh the juvenile system in boston would give an award out to uh a few kids a year who made it because one out of got out one out of 30 kids makes it out of the juvenile system in boston right yeah is it mine bob so i won the devro lux award which i went to i went and actually spoke in front of the congress and the senate i had dinner with janet reno and uh robert kennedy's daughter kathleen kennedy i sat at table one yeah with uh number three in charge you never sit at table one i sat at table one with janet reno i had dinner with janet reno and i spoke in front of the senate and the congress uh in the cannon building i have that video too let me see that i'll get it to you well we got to make a list of all this it's on c-span i was on c-span what yeah i was on c-span okay hold on hold on videos okay now these ladies i might be remembering this it might have been that lady up on the right it might be these dumb little hats it might have been i might be remembering it wrong yeah or you might just not have the thing the problem is guatemala is not very photographed i mean it is but it's not like so it's not such a tourist destination yeah right so it might have been those dumb so the influencers don't go except to be honest so anyways so dude they surround us they surround us and i'm like i'm panicking again because i'm like i don't you know i don't speak the language i don't know what the hell is going on we're in this this this this market that's i mean one of the oldest markets ever right and so i say i say we'll be back we'll be back not now i'm just i'm just saying now i'm looking at my watch not now we'll be back we'll be back later later okay okay okay okay later yeah okay so they leave us alone we get into the market walking around this market now jack is like i'll be back he's got to go into this thing with a curtain and go behind another curtain no he's not getting jerked off he's he's looking for stuff yeah he likes to buy stuff illegal stuff no no you're saying hookers are legal there no no no not hookers i have an understanding he likes to buy like uh you know things like this you know this stuff yeah but like authentic shit not like touristy shit he wants to buy a real he wants to buy a real something okay here we go jack phone is telling me okay right now okay here we go uh guatemala city to antigua to uh pana don't say it that's the tourist stop you can say that's panahashel panahashel lake and tilly antelon to i was there i went to village the the marketplace wow okay so uh he's been there too right so we go there we're walking around he leaves me i go walk around i'm like i got this now i got it i went with i went with man face boy body to see now you're a man maximum boy body gave you his face if this is the thing about traveling if you do take a risk if you do it happened in cuba the first day first day we were frightened as shit by the last day we were walking through power outages that's not the best we left each other we were like i'll see you later i'll see you later oh cool cool i know this town i got it i got you i'll see you back at the casa yeah okay that's the thing about traveling if you if you take a if you take a risk right away if you go do something out of your comfort zone right away and and the rest of the trip you'll you'll be okay you'll you'll like i'm walking around i got this guy i'll see you in a little bit and i just went and what did i do i found a coffee place which one are you talking about uh in chichi in the market yeah i got a quote from the simpsons they're doing a chili cook-off okay and uh homer wins every year everybody he tests every year like there's nothing it's nothing instant uh wiggum sheriff sheriff wiggum okay um pig you know um and he goes uh he goes uh he's trying to like burn homer he's like gotcha and he goes this is something real and he goes um it's made with the merciless chili peppers of quetzalzacatanango grown deep in the jungle primeval by the inmates of a guatemalan insane asylum that's in there from fucking third grade that's crazy so dude i'm walking around this market looking at i'm looking at antiquities i'm looking at like vases from 1500 years old they're cooking meat i don't even know what type of meat it is it's just i'm walking around this thing like uh i can only describe it as a movie because you're by yourself you don't speak the and you're walking around and beautiful things you're seeing the most beautiful things in this market and it goes forever and then i just stopped at one point i saw this little cafe and it's kind of overlooking the market and i just grabbed a cigarette this is why i love this why i'm so sad i can't smoke cigarettes okay where'd you grab a cigarette from i had him with me i had my cigarette underrated thing about guatemala it's 20 cigarettes in a pack generally yeah i just want one let's say a pack is two dollars that means each one of them is a pack of cigarettes and i just want one of them that means each one should be 20 cents but if you just want one whatever they will sell you one here they won't a lucy lucy's and they sell it to you for 10 cents 10 cents they're just 1 20th of the thing yeah yeah i wound up buying some cigarettes in there just to buy them just to have them but yeah i remember i just i found this cafe i got my cafe uh my cafe leche and i sat down and i had a look at it for probably an hour and a half no just watching this this market happen and then i that's so cool and then all of a sudden jack just walked by hey again again just there who the fuck's this guy he's got some weird fucking he's got some mind in him he's done some voodoo buddy this guy's been in the jungle finding like temples type shit that's that guy jesus so then he goes come on i want to show you something he goes come on i'll show you this he brings me to this 400 year old 400 years old so think about that go back 200 years where are we eight 1800s 24 yeah early 1800s i mean this slavery's still around at that point the west isn't even one indians indians indians are still around being like they are being indian being the way we remember him yeah no those other indians russell peters weren't even here wow you know what the name of indians because they thought it was india you know what the name of indians because they thought it was india And I guess this is what they look like I love that They look far off It's hilarious It looks similar Yeah they should have called it Mexican They should have called it Mexicans Yeah they look way closer to Mexicans Way closer to Mexicans Yeah They're Mexicans with height Wow And this is in Quetzaltenango? This is Chichicastenango? Chichicastenango So he brings me over to this church White people can't enter through the front Gringos can't go through the front If you're Caucasian you have to go through the back It's still a functioning church Okay? So Hang on let me see if you I asked him the name of the church Bobby I want you to face your memory for a second Is this the church? That's the church That's the church? That's the church That's the church I went to Did you go in? You didn't go in? Buddy not only did I go in the back Okay? I prayed Cause you know I pray Yeah So I went in the I had I love churches We got to pray just to make it today Not that type of prayer That's MC Hammer That's right But not that Too legit to quit I mean yes Wait this hand Too Wait oh that's It's to you Too legit Too legit to quit Hey hey Too legit Too legit to quit Hey hey So dude you gotta go around the back You can't go in those front doors If you're Caucasian Interesting You can't go in those front doors You cannot go through those doors You have to go through the back This is what the blacks are always upset about But you were okay with it You didn't complain I'm fine with it You didn't ask for a mule It's your place It's your place Whatever you want to do Your place Whatever you want to do So I go through the back You go in All the frescoes on the wall Black There's no electricity In this church It's all lit with candles still Really? The way it was lit 400 years ago Really? You don't like It's crazy because You gotta stand like Back in the day We didn't have electricity You had candles So all the art and stuff on the wall All the frescoes All the frescoes that they had Of Jesus and Mary And all that stuff Inside It's all black Wow From the candles Burning up the side of the wall Wow So when you walk in Dude it's all wooden benches It's candles It's 400 years You know These frescoes That are on the wall of Jesus And I prayed There's all these people praying How did it feel? It was one of the We saw people bawling outside They were crying inside Wow It was very emotional Very spiritual for me It might have been Closed that day Because everybody was drunk When I was there Oh really? It was a festival No there was not a festival When I was there Okay And these people Episode coming If it's not come out yet It was Yeah dude I remember going in there The The There's silence Right? There's silence Yeah But then there's spiritual silence A heavy silence It's a heavy Weighted A pregnant pause No heavy silence It's a weighted silence Yeah That you have When you go I had that when I went into The Sistine Chapel When I went to Sixteen Sixteen Chapel Sistine Sixteen Sixteen? Yeah It's a Sistine isn't it? There's fifteen other ones That's not true I went into a cathedral in Milan Yeah Twelfth And the same thing Type of thing But this place was the most Spiritual place I've ever been in my life Really? Because there was no There was no tourists There was no There was no electricity It's like People come here to pray To God And get serene And get spirituality That's all this place was Wow It was not a place To make money Like all these other places The Sistine Chapel The cathedrals in Rome And Italy All these In Paris These are places where people go It's a It's a tourist place Yeah And this is not at all Yeah St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York It's a Yes it's a church But it's a tourist place too This is not a tourist place This is hey It ain't a tourist town No and if you're a tourist Go that door When I was there for a festival Episode coming Or already came It was Tourists From Guatemala Going for the festival Of course It wasn't a We saw There's not one of you Or me There's not one In that Even though that guy down the bottom Looks like me Bottom left? Bottom left with the hat Yeah Kind of looks like me Look Yeah But anyways dude I went into that church And I just sat there You felt great huh? Sat there and prayed You felt connected to the past When you were in a place like that? I felt connected to the past Because It is the past Yeah There's nothing in there That has gone past When it was built really Damn Not even lights There's something about electricity When you see electricity It takes you out of that thing It's like when there's a Fucking television in an old bar Right No no no No TVs in here But you go into that church And you're like wow Wow you went in That's so cool Yeah look at that Look at that thing man My god Look at the doors And there's steps leading up to it There's steps leading up to it Yeah look at the doors The doors are huge wooden doors So that's where we saw people Like praying and like crying out there Right I was in that church And there were people inside crying Like women holding women You know I don't know Maybe people died or whatever Let's see if Jackie said it back We already know anyway So Yeah dude And then we prayed And then here's the thing We come back out of the market Every single one of us One of those women That was I told I'll be back later Were waiting But they hit me Like one I saw them kind of sitting Are you a liar? No why? Dude they were like sitting down All of a sudden they go One of them saw me And it was like You're the only white It was like puppies They all just You're a fat white Like I'll know when he comes back So they They all It's like puppies They all just ran to me With rugs and Stupid Guatemalan shit So I bought a rug I bought a Guatemalan rug Did you really? Yeah I gave her 20 bucks I was like I'll take this Because I can roll it up Put it in my bag Right? Parry your body in there Throw it in Gilgo Beach Right It was like this big And like that long It was like long Thin and wide The handcrafts in Guatemala Blew my mind Unbelievable Blew my fucking mind Yeah It's really crazy I found some weed Yeah And I I had some And I was high And I I hadn't smoked for a few days And I went into some local market Whatever And they were doing I was like how long does it take to make this? It's like old beads And she's like oh like two weeks And I was like what? How about this? Like that's like three months Yeah And I'm like can you listen to music? No we listen to music while we do it I'm like what the fuck? It's crazy How much is it? Eight cents Like what? Yeah I'm like I Some child slave was doing it Yeah And I could talk to them Because they're You know second grade level of Spanish And so am I And so am I Yeah dude we came out I bought this rug And then We're driving We're driving back And all of a sudden all of a sudden it just it just started raining really bad like crazy bad and we gotta drive all the way back we're going back to guatemala city we're going back to guatemala city so it's a long ride and it's through the jungles again and it's you know that that the guerrillas people don't know that the guerrillas what they did they went through so much shit in guatemala they they wound up putting some of the they put the people the the guerrillas and the people that were fighting the government they gave them power they put them in the government because they're like well you guys just run it it's not crazy about these local things it's like the taliban they're like oh you think they're just freedom fighters they're actually running the cities there yeah they gave them a good way they gave them some power and they were like okay so now they're part of the system wow and they kind of squelched it that's how they got kind of fixed it i guess the cartels run shit too right exactly so but they still will grab you they will do it by their own rules they'll grab you and they'll just you know they'll they'll you know they'll keep you and they'll make somebody send money that's it you know that's how they make money the red crowd whatever the fuck it is so we're driving i'm kind of i'm getting into that fight or flight thing again i'm nervous again so we're driving all of a sudden flat tire and no no in the middle of no no in the middle of nowhere we have to pull over in front of some something like a like a house or some weird business in the middle of nowhere pouring out and and we got to pray that we have a tire so we uh we get out but here's the thing this is why things happen for reasons right so it's pouring rain out we got to get on our knees and change this fucking tire and you're already used to it because the church no i got my rug i got my guatemalan rug my fat lady with a hat rug so i take woman face woman body woman face woman body wow put it we i'm like i got the rug so i put the rug down me and jack are out there we're changing the fucking tire they had a tire we took it out safely on a rug cracked it up on the rug kneeling down on the in the dirt because it's all dirt we're in the middle of nowhere we crank up the car change the tire take the rug throw it in the trunk fucking soaking wet dirty whatever 20 bucks gives a shit so that so get in the car make it back to guatemala city rain's done we check into the fanciest it's a really nice hotel in downtown guatemala right we still have a little time left wind up uh we wind up going out for eat you just went for a three-day trip yeah two and a half really that's it dude came back sunday night left friday came back sunday night that's it what an eventful trip too it was so this is where you got that death whistle that whistle what's that i have well he gave me that on the way back so we're going to go to the hotel just ruin it sorry we want no no no we go we want to we want to we want to go back to the hotel and um so that's the guy who ruins everything should use that rug for that come on man i'm about to say that so dude we get back it's beautiful out and we're hungry so we go to a restaurant restaurant we're at this nice hotel we walk down the street to this restaurant but i'm bugging him the whole time like what are we gonna eat what can we eat there what can we eat now he's a vegetarian he eats rice and beans and whatever and you can't drink the water you take a shower you can't open your mouth no you can't no you cannot you cannot do that shit you have to keep your mouth shut on your wipe it off brush your teeth with bottled water bottled water so we get to the hotel we get to this restaurant uh he actually yells at me it's so funny did he really yeah because at one point i'm like what's good here he goes bobby it's chicken or beef rice and bean salad it's not a fuck it's not the bahamas it's not a it's not a i you know what i mean i'm like okay geez i don't know where i'm from there's good food he got so mad at me dude because i was every place we went every meal because fat bob was like what's good it's like dude we're in a third world country it's not about good it's not about good it's about eating calories yeah calories right so i wind up getting whatever the fuck i get and he eats my rice he's like gonna eat your rice i'm like not now if you want it you fucking vegan it's like i was in the middle of it dude i eat a salad and i get a coke but i got a coke with ice say it you know how to order without that now yeah i do try it oh fuck this is the problem with the spanish can i show you something if you don't use it it goes away yeah you can show me a streak you got a streak i do i missed yesterday because it was a long day it's okay you got a streak freeze i got a streak freeze where do you find the streak where's my up top i think where 163 days 163 days that's great since cuba since cuba 163 you're just like i gotta learn spanish i'm learning spanish you're obsessive can really be put to use i said this before you did you apply it to something good you did i'm very obsessive um and i 162 days of spanish it's a guy who has 17 fishing times i fly fish i'm an angler and i fly fish all the time angle for support oh you're a fucking wordsmith anyways greg proof would love you anyways uh no offense greg um so dude greg proofs i don't know the number one thesaurus comic in the world he's still around he would always use this a different and better word for everything i know and it's kind of annoying he'd be like and people like all he did is look up thesaurus for other words like i didn't know but it is the only one doing it is annoying i just saw him on something he's still around he's still kicking it um so dude we get back to the hotel i eat that we go back into the hotel really nice hotels and this is the great part about living in weird places for a couple days and then going back and having a nice place it makes you it makes you appreciate everything you don't just get in there like whatever you'd be like what the fuck the the simplest things make you so happy give me an example you flick the light on in the room and you're like oh my god you get into the bed and there's a nice pillow and a actual like a like a mattress that's comfortable um you know it's just you know that they have a store perspective it's all perspective and then so we get in there we do that and then uh at around two in the morning i wake up i got dysentery uh from from the food from the salad oh no no see the salad it's the ice okay you learned you know how to do this i'm no no no you know that no ice what's no uh no no no that's no but like what is without ah fuck dude it's also something it's also in english if it was if you just read that word in english it'd be like a bad thing by christianity a but hey you're not supposed to do that that's a sin sin no sin no sin is no sin h-i-e h-i-e yellow yellow yellow yellow yellow yellow i'm getting there dude you're getting it whatever i'm getting you gotta put it in practice here's a problem with spanish when learning a new language you don't use it you can you don't use it you i have to start talking to people yeah you saw me in cuba day one i was okay yeah day three i was like i'm kicking it i'm leading us now here's the thing on duolingo when they're like all right what is this i go bing bing bing bing bing i know how to when i see it i can i know that word means that i know when i see it manzana manzana uh mon manzana manzana manzana apple yeah uh you know i i when i see it i gotta start talking to people because i'm at that point now where it's like okay i actually downloaded another app where you actually talk hey i got tip for everybody these are travel tips i should save it i'll save it so dude check this out yeah so we get back now i'm i'm i'm puking and shitting puking and shitting i'm dying i'm i'm i'm really dying it's bad i'm bad oh no i'm puking and shitting jack is annoyed seeing yellow seeing yellow the ice is just the regular water that's what they're riding in la now what do they clean the salad with because there's no ice left in la what do they clean their salads with water no you have to cooked vegetables that's the other thing cooked vegetables rice and beans and and cooked meat that's all you can you can't fuck with salad you can't fuck you can't fuck with ice in your coke you gotta have the coke bottle of water or a regular coke out of the can that's it and i fucked up and jack was so annoyed with me at this point where he probably just let it go he probably would have been like but he probably just just whatever dude eat whatever can i have your rice you know and didn't see me so now he's got to get up and go get pepto bismo you don't think like somebody's like okay you know like whoa whoa ice no no don't get you just like everybody's got it well he can have the ice he can do it his stomach's probably used to it right right right because the hookers so dude what no so dude all all night oh no we're leaving early in the morning sucks traveler's diarrhea buddy we got to go through customs we go to the airport we go through customs i'm i'm going through customs is that jack it's jack what do you say i don't know um the church is uh in chichi it is inglesia de santos tamas it's it's - Iglesia de Santo Tomas. That's interesting because that's the festival, is to St. Thomas. That's a church. The festival I went to is St. Thomas. Before I photo on my phone, I might just have printed out pictures somewhere. He's going to get me pictures, but I have videos somewhere. Okay. I will find the video. So, brother. Does that sound like here? It's here. Hello? Who's that? Who? Iguani? You're a bunny? Who is it? You got a crank? He's got a crank. What? What kind of crank? The good kind. He's got a good crank. Who the fuck is that? Who is it? Who? It's your neighbor. Oh. Yeah, what do you need? I'm going to go say hi. Hang on one second, all right? All right. I mean, this is just. He's getting yelled at from the smoke right now. So, it's coming up through the vents into his kitchen. The smoking. So. I didn't realize. I didn't realize. Okay. Yeah. Smoke. Okay. Yeah. How good was the cigar? The cigar was great. I mean, one of the best, right? Yeah. How smooth was it? This is killing me right now. What? Put this out? Yeah, that's a. Stop for a second. I'm going to just put it by the window sill. It's over a 10-year-old cigar that I've saved. We're going to smoke the rest of it outside. Okay. For a pause? No. No, we're right at the end. Okay. So, that's so funny. That's how your neighbor. You're like an asshole. But that's how your neighbor. Hey, I got crack, crank. I don't know what he said. He said I got crank. Damn, I feel terrible. Why? Because it's going right up into his house. It's a cigar. It smells. When you're not smoking the cigar. How's it going up? Through the kitchen, through the vent. The vent? Should have blocked off the vent. Yeah, I didn't know. I didn't know it would be like that. I feel bad. I mean, it's still going to be going up there for a while. There's smoke in the air. And here's the thing. It's going to be that way for days. I know. I've had numerous packs of fucking, that powder, whatever it's called, Arm & Hammer. Yeah. All over to try to soak this up. Yeah. What are you going to do? You're out of here in fucking weeks. I know. So, dude. Yeah. So, now I'm puking. Yeah. I'm dying. We're going to be going through customs. Bro, I forgot that when we went, the beginning of the trip, when we went through that park and we're looking at all this stuff. Yeah. Buddy, I pissed. I picked up a lot of shit. I picked up like. Obsidian. Obsidian knives. I picked up pottery. I had a pocket full of pottery and obsidian knives. All this stuff that you are not supposed to take. You can't take that stuff. You're not supposed to walk through this. I'm going to try to say it. Archaeological site. That was great. Thank you. So, I'm walking through this. Archaeological site. No, but. I'm picking stuff up and I'm not. You can't take that shit out. You can't take it out. I just. That's antiquities. But I was picking it up. What are you, Indiana Jones? It's a little piece, but it's not a whole pot. It's not a whole. It's like a piece of a pot from a thousand years ago. From the, you know, the fucking apocalypto people. And so what'd they say? So, dude, I'm throwing up. I'm dying. I'm in the bathroom. I'm throwing up. I'm throwing up. I'm puking. I'm about to. I came in to throw out. I'm going to throw it in the trash. My plan is before we go through customs, I'm tossing this out. I'm puking, throwing up, shitting. Throw it out. Don't throw it out. That's even worse. I kind of get rid of it. I can't go through customs with it. It's in my pocket. These are important to our culture. Like, I'll trash it for you. We're not. We're not. We're not. We're not checking bags. But look at the way I look at it, dude. It's like seashells in Aruba. You're not supposed to take the coral and stuff like that. Yeah. In Aruba. If you take a bunch of coral, like from the beach, all the little things, they'll find you. They'll find you. They'll stop you, find you, and then you get put on a list. So, dude, I'm like, I'm just going to go in the bathroom, toss it. But I got to go in. I start shitting. Then I start puking. Then I start shitting. It's money. It's money belt all over again. Somebody comes in. Scares you. I'm done. I come out. It's custom police are in there talking, hanging out, washing their hands, taking pisses, washing. I walk over to the trash barrel. I take it all out. It's in a little bag I have. I take it out. They're behind me. I drop it in the trash. The guy had just emptied the trash. So it just hits. It goes. And I freeze. And I'm like, this is the end. So they went like this. They go like this. They literally went. Body. I walk out. I fucking. I. I go back. I go through customs. I'm fine. We get through. Remember the PSP handhelds? Yeah. So I have one of those. I have one. I bought it on the way there. Okay. Right. We have to fly from Guatemala to Houston to Houston to New York. I. I'm on the plane. I got my stupid thing. I'm fucking dying. I put it in the thing behind me. I left it on the plane. And I feel like that's Guatemala. The. The voodoo. The. You are forgetful as shit. The thing around the neck thing. Yeah. That's crazy. You're forgetting everything. I forgot on the plane. But I feel like that was the. The ghost of the Guatemalan people go. You tried to take our shit. We're going to take your shit. We're taking your shit. Mr. Mr. American boy. And they took my money. And it took my fucking PSP handheld. Oh, no. My Sony PSP. But. When we hit Houston, I was feeling better. And when we got to JFK, it was. It was pretty much all over. I felt great. And that. That trip to me. When I got home to my house. And I remember walking in and going into the shower and going. I'm just drinking as much water as I could out of the shower. Just opening my mouth in the shower. It's a great brush your teeth in the shower. It was like. Like people who say America. It's like, guys, you have to go to another country. You have to go somewhere like Cuba, Guatemala, anywhere where they don't have. Basics. Basics. To appreciate. Or where they actually just have basics. They just have basics. I mean, basically like clean water. We have it here. Clean water. Electricity. A lot of these people don't even have electricity. A lot of people are living by candle at night. You know, their houses are have open roofs. Shit like that. When I got back to America, it was like. For me. It was like, for me, it was like, I got to do this again. I got to go. I got to go some. I got to go again. I went back to Guatemala again. Did you really? Yeah. Yep. I'm going back again. You are. I'm going to go with, I think, Andy Haynes. We're going to try to get Andy to go and we're going to try to get. What's his name? God damn. I always forget his name. He was big in Amsterdam for a while. What's his name? Rhodes. He's coming today. Is he coming today? Yeah. One of my favorite people. Yeah. So I think Jack was like, we should get Rhodes and Andy Haynes and go back to Guatemala together. And the next trip we were supposed to take, he wanted to go into the jungle because there was a ruin site that they had just discovered that they haven't they haven't dug up yet. They did not excavate yet. He wanted to go out into the jungle and he was trying to find a helicopter pilot to fly us into the jungle and then take a hike through the jungle. It's crazy. He's he's one of the best. You need a helicopter. He's one of the best. He's one of the crazy guy. He understands some level of safety here. Even like like I was so funny that you found it. We found you. Relax. You did it. He just walked up. What's up? What's going on, dude? It like it's a tat that you could have been a block over. You never would have found you. No, no. And he knew that it's just what you do. You figure it out. You figure it out. The old days pre cell phone. It's like, well, you're friends. I'm an hour late. I don't know. They'll be one of five spots. But that was the greatest part. There's no cell phones. There's no self. I had my little I had a little camera that I bought that I was taking video and pictures on and shit like that. But that's all you had was that. And this is before it like vlogging. Nobody was vlogging and any of that shit. So even what I was doing was weird for people to see me doing this stuff. Right. Most people just taking photos, you know, doing this and that. I was literally like doing this shit like, hey, this is blah, blah, blah. Very uncomfortable to do, by the way, because you look you look like a fool. You look like a fool vlogging. Send me those. I got to find them. I have them somewhere. But. Dude, we. But like the next trip, I was like, can we do a say like a trip that's not so dangerous? And he was like, all right, we'll go to Belgium. I was like, that's great. You go to Belgium all the time now. Went to Belgium. But we went to Belgium. We rented a houseboat, the houseboat. So the houseboat was the it was still this crazy thing. Adventurous, but less fearful, less fearful. Right. Less fearful. Oh, there might be a draft in here. Oh, they might. Well, you got to learn how to drive a boat on a canal in 45. Is it a tuner? - 45 minutes. What? - Was it a tuner? - No, it was a canal boat. it was a they call it uh la boat it's called la boat and you can rent the canal boat it sleeps 10 it's this flat boat there's a deck on top with a you can sit on and you drive from the top and you go down the canals you have to call up the canal people and be like uh hey they tell you like hey english and like okay and you're like i'm coming in and they they open the the canal they open the what's it called um dam not the dam not the dam it's uh what is it called the waterway where they let you and it's opens in like the panama canal nope levy no bridge no you come in you and it brings you up and it brings you down that's how the panama canal it's called the uh aqueduct nope it's called the um i mean it's not even on the tip of my tongue i don't know the word this is the best thing about technology you know now ready ready what do they call the stuff in the canals in belgium where you take the boat and you have to go in locks i was gonna say zero chance you get it locks did you remember to tell you i remembered it locks so you have to call in go into the lock they either raise it or lower it and then you go through it and you'll be in there with other boats so you have like learn how to draw go in a go into this huge boat and you have to parallel park it in between boats and that's your hotel for the night so you park it there it's 38 bucks a night to park it and then you're downtown bruges which is so you just get right off and you're walking you're right in the you know you're in a cat you know wow yeah like dude max was with me don was with me he had his kid and wife with him and that this is why people like like that don't travel like a lot of comics will go in and just do a show and take off crazy it's crazy jimmy n does that who the one who was in here with his dead friend who got hookers really yeah he would yoshi would always be like all he does is go to this hotel as soon as we do the show he comes out do the show go right back to hotel yoshi's like i gotta walk around then go fight in the next city dude we used to call him uh count dracula why because he would only come out when the sun went behind the favelas me and patrice were by the pool all day yeah like i remember the one who goes by the pool in the hotel that's crazy we'll wake up go to the pool we'll go to the beach i know i looked down one of the most when i knew patrice was just a just a cute little white boy inside yeah because he really was just a little cute white boy just a little just wanted to have fun i looked down on the beach and he was sitting down like this with his legs like this and the waves were coming up and he was just playing with the sand that's so funny i wish i have that picture i think i took a picture of it really he was just sitting on the beach like this and just sitting on his knees and the water would come in and the waves would come in and wash it off and i remember looking down like i was like that's so adorable seeing patrice just be the little kid that he probably never he probably never did that as a kid beach will make anyone into a boy it will make anybody into a splash yeah yeah yeah but norton was dead we call them we call them out count dracula because he would he would come out at the sun will go behind the favela and then all of a sudden jim will come up with an aussie shirt and jorts what's that we're gonna get some food every now did that that place can i show some pictures oh yeah okay so here and these pictures are probably all for me by the way oh damn it what your phone died um yeah guatemala is definitely a place i would go back to i went back on the way back what'd you do when you went back we did some of the same stuff yeah okay question when you return to a place yeah is it less magical um i think you return to a place you have to you have to check yourself a little bit be like yo man this is a third world country you know because you get the feeling oh i'm just in a vacation place it's not it's not they will fucking rob you yeah you will get robbed but it's not personal you know what i mean that's the thing it's not a personal thing it's not but it's also like the first time i went to montreal it was like wow wow and then by the end it's like i know let's go expectations it's still fun but it's not like there's no like what's this street it's connected that's your first time edinburgh it's like oh the bridges oh my god and it's like when you go to back to a place like i remember this i think it's not yeah i think the first time you go is the most exciting the second time you go kind of blends into the first time yeah i think when i go back again it will be a whole new experience and i think it's been so long that i'm going to she will have changed i will read it i will i will absorb more the third time because i understand what i didn't last time like if i went back to noma if it was still open i would take photos i would savor it more i would probably take notes i i would want because i don't remember i only remember like the experience i don't remember the whole thing right so emotional memory emotional memory yeah so yeah i mean i love i love it i i mean my goal is to learn spanish and go down and be able to understand people well the craziest thing about some of these cities in guatemala which i learned yeah especially around lake atitlán is spanish is their second language what is their first language okay some quichua um uh actually that's andy and more that's more ecuador but just their regional dialect to the point where i was in this one city near lake atitlán i was like talking to these people and uh and um tell them about the goods whatever making it with stuff and i was like what do you speak here they go we speak this and i was like oh does everyone speak that they go no the city next to us speaks another language that's great and you can walk there in 20 minutes and they speak another language that's weird it's fucking it's crazy we all kind of meet up in language two which is espanol what here's the thing man it's like why everybody knows english pretty much yeah right it's a well-known language for sure it's a it's the wellest known language if that's a word look that up wellest well sure not but yeah wellest known language yeah it's the most known language yeah it has to be the because everywhere you go people speak it spanish i wonder that spanish french german what's the most spoken language i'll ask hang on i'll do it okay do it you ready uh-huh hang on one second hey frankie hey there how can i help you today what's up buddy how are you i'm doing great thanks for asking you're going to pause just to get that answer all right man can you not interrupt frankie i'm sorry frankie hey what's the most popular language in the world no worries the most popular language in the world by number of native speakers is mandarin chinese spoken by over a billion people primarily in china yeah what's the second the second most spoken language by number of native speakers is spanish it's widely spoken in many countries across latin america and other regions okay what is the language that what is the let's go third what's the third most popular language frankie the third most spoken language by number of native speakers is english do you know who ari shafir is i'm not gonna like this yes i do ari shafir is a comedian known for his stand-up comedy and his podcast the skeptic tank he's recognized for his bold and often edgy humor are you a fan of his work he's sitting with me right now that's cool say hi to him for me if there's anything i can help with just let me know all right buddy all right thanks let's call him out why he's done i mean yeah he's done um i thought you wanted to call him out and be like you're a piece of shit so at this point now you gotta you gotta wrap soon yeah i gotta wrap um here's what i always ask yeah what country's calling you what do you want to do next i'm going to ask you a question what country's calling you where do you want to go next and some travel tips i'll start with the travel tip myself because i just got this from my friend dragos yeah um want to learn spanish chat gbt you speak to frankie for 20 minutes in the morning you just tell them how your day was and say i'm going to speak to you in spanish while you have your coffee whatever correct me in english when i'm wrong so the main problem with speaking spanish is you get frustrated because like you're you whoever i'm talking to like you're starting to be annoyed yeah you're starting to be annoyed you're starting to be annoyed he has unlimited patience he does he knows how to compliment you unless you don't pay for the full one you gotta pay and then at one point they get tone if for real i had a conversation with him for 45 minutes and it was like you ran out of your time today robert and then i was like yeah but can i just ask you what he goes you ran out of your time today robert i was like i know but i just have one you've ran out of your time for real yes yes so i did it i got a download but he we started spanish at the same time he's romanian so he's spanish is already gonna be better because it's like similar but Lapped me. Lapped you. With that. With that. It was like intercomio without. So that's my travel tip. Get chat GBT and practice whatever language in that because it's better than Duolingo in that way. So now where do you want to go? Give me your travel tip. And we didn't do chicken buses. Chicken buses, man. Chicken buses are. It's a weird thing and it's a dangerous thing. They're very dangerous. They're very dangerous and it's a mode of transportation and a lot of people take them and you get on it and it will bring you and everybody else. You'll be jammed in there and they're very, I would say, ornate, right? Flamboyant, decorated buses that and they don't. Like in America. You can't take a bus on the Sawmill River Parkway because it's dangerous. It's too small in other countries that that go for it and you will die like they will fall off the side of the road. Yeah, they go fast. They're dolled up like Lucha Libre. It's kind of like this. Absolutely. Completely. Everyone's different. They've got their own routes and they're private because there's no public transportation system like that. I love color. I look at it. It looks like masks. It's the craziest thing. Look at this man. Look at that. Look at that. That's from South America, right? That Matt, that knitted thing over there. Uh-huh. Yeah. It's all. Look at the colors. They don't like two colors. They like all the colors all the time. I know I have a chicken bus, a picture of one. I think I showed it before. Yeah, you did. Oh, that's it. We already have them skiing now. They're crazy. They're so cool looking. The brightness of it. And you know what they are? Reclaimed school buses from America. Right. So I saw one. You can still see under the paint. It's the Staten Island Public Schools. No shit. That's awesome. Yeah. That's why. Look at this. Time lapse of the sunset over Lake Atitlan facing the volcanoes. Guatemala is all volcanoes. It has the most volcanoes. Most volcanoes, I believe, anywhere on the world, right? Possibly. I think it does. I think it has. Well, it's either one or two. Yeah, all volcanoes. That's why the soil there is amazing. Look at this. Isn't that fucking gorgeous? Yeah, it's fucking gorgeous. All the lights are on. Come on across the river. People are still boating across. It's wild. It's wild. I love being alone just setting up a time lapse and getting it later. It's wild. Wow. Look at that. Yeah, chicken buses are nuts, dude. Yeah, and they throw your stuff on top. Old ladies come running in, then leave. They jump off in the middle while it's still kind of driving. You can buy food on it. Yeah, people sell some shit, right? It's just their way of transforming. It's just their way of transportation. And I was like, try to avoid it for a while. And then I was like, why am I avoiding it? Oh, here it is. There it is. On a chicken bus. This is what they look like on the inside. It's just an old school bus. But you're going to take it on a road. So uncomfortable. And you might fall off a cliff. Yeah. And that's just the way it is, dude. Oh, there's me watching World Cup outside Lake Atitlan. Wow, that's crazy. I mean, see, that's the stuff right there, man. These little places. You can just go in and get a little food. Look at this chicken bus. There's two chicken buses. Yeah. They were so cool. All right, where do you want to go? And, oh, I'm not showing that. But I definitely took a chicken bus up there. Wait. Santa Ana Pickleworks, the reclaim thing. Isn't that crazy? In Guatemala. The number's so old that they don't have the area code. That's so fucking old. There's a chicken bus right there. Look at that thing. They throw all your shit up top. Uh-huh. And I'm like, you're going to steal it? Oh, my God. Well, it's stolen. And there's people just hanging out. Yeah, there's guys on top that fucking throw your shit down. Yeah. Look at that, man. It's another time for another city that I'm not going to tell anybody in the world about. You don't want to tell people about it? Not this city. Why? Wow. Let me tell you something. You know what this is? No. It's in Antigua. Is it? Yeah. Where? It's a popular. A chain restaurant. I know restaurants. I'm using that loosely. Fast food. Really? McDonald's. That's McDonald's. The most beautiful McDonald's I imagine in the world. Bob? Get out of here. This is a McDonald's. Oh, my God. That's Ronnie. That's Ronnie McDonald's. This is. These people who gave me the cigar, they go, go to Starbucks. I'm like, get the fuck out of here. I'm not going to Starbucks in Antigua. And they go, no, no, no, no, no. I get what you're saying. Yeah. Go look at. And it's like this, too. I don't think I have a picture of the Starbucks, but this is the McDonald's. Look at that. It's so beautiful. It's so pretty. Green. Beautiful. It's like back in the day. Cobblestone streets. Fountains. So where do you want to go? What's calling you? What's your travel tip? I think I want to go back down to Guatemala again. OK. I think I have to go back down because I didn't absorb it as much as I should have. Because as much as you should have. Yeah. Because of fear. I've traveled a lot since then. So now you'd be a better. I'm a better traveler. I'll be. I'm 100 percent. That's the other thing. You can go back to some with new understanding. Like you go somewhere in 19. Like, I'm so scared. I can't do this. And then you go back way later. And it's like. And it's like Antigua. And it's like. No, wait. I went to the Starbucks. Here's the thing, dude. When you travel, you take too much shit. I can go back now with a backpack. Just a little bit. I can go back one pair of pants. I'm wearing that. I'm going back. Antigua cigars. Yeah. I'm going back one pair. One. A button down shirt. To go to a restaurant if we have to. A nice comfortable pair of shoes. I'm not bringing two. I think I brought two pairs of shoes the first time. I brought so much stupid. I brought a Sony. The handheld Sony PlayStation. I mean. Look around. It's like, dude, bring a book. Bring a book. Bring it. And I think my travel tip would be. Okay. And I love it that phones exist now. Take your phone. Photos and a notepad. Take a photo. But write down. They're in your phone. A story about it. What happened there? The name of the place. So, you know. So, like, I don't know all these places. This is right outside Antigua. Not even right outside. I mean, like a 10-minute walk away. Yeah. Oh, there's like a little old ruins. Yeah. And it's not the touristy part of town. So, you're like, it's gorgeous. One thing I bought in. Last time I was in Amsterdam. Yeah. I went to the store and they have sketch pads. Custom-made sketch pads. Leather. So, they make leather. They'll stamp your name in it. And you can pick. You can pick the paper. Like, drawing paper. Watercolor paper. Writing paper. So, what I did is I got a half writing, half drawing pad. So, half is to write. And the other half is you can sketch on. Oh, cool. So, I think when I go back, I'll probably take those moments. And maybe, because, you know, I like drawing and shit like that. Just draw a little thing. Take a photo. And just chill the fuck out. Yeah. Do you think I can translate this? This is on the rules. Hola, mi amor. Hola, my love. Uh-huh. Sabes que, que, what? I think that I love you. Que te amo. Sabes que te amo. I think I, to you, love. I love you. Que eres lo mejor, the most del mundo, in the world. Del mundo. Gracias. Gracias. Thank you for existing, my love. The love. Que siento por ti eterno. I will be with you for eternally. A hundred years. Is that a hundred? A hundred years. What was that? Te, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Another te amo. I don't know. Heart, heart, heart. Yeah. So I would say, I want to go back to Guatemala. I want to go back with Jack. I want to go back with a couple other people. And I think my travel tip would be, you got to bring a notepad and some type of pen and to take photos. And, but write about that shit. Don't just take a photo. Write about it. Write about that moment you had. Like, what is it? And check it out. The emotional feeling. I came across this. I was at a club. I was at a coffee shop. And I didn't know what was going on. This was before Jack found me. All that shit. Yeah, because, you know what I mean? Because it mushes together. Like the hat thing. I wish I drew the lady. Took a photo of the lady with the hat. I might have it still. But, yeah, I would take a pen. And I know you could type it in your phone. But I feel like when you write something down with a pen or a piece of pencil. Sticks more. There's something different. Sticks more. When you type something, I think it doesn't stick. When you literally sit down. When you sit down and write something, it's a connection that you make. Yeah. When you're in Antigua, there's this volcano in the back. And it goes off every two, three minutes. Yeah. And you're like, oh, it's just smoke billowing. And then you hike up there. These Canadian chicks. They were really cool. From, I think, Newfie Girls. And then you get up there. Night falls. And you realize you're up near the volcano on the opposite side. And what do you see? There it is again. No way. Yeah. It doesn't erupt, does it? It's erupting. It's erupting all the time. See the smoke on it to the left? Wow. Wait. As it gets darker. No. Dude, we're in the middle of fucking. We're on top of the fucking world. Where are you going to stay? There's these little, like, lean-tos. Are you staying up there? Yeah. See this? I should go with you. You should come. The hike was terrible. It was straight uphill for six hours. Who gives a fuck? Air would get thinner and thinner. So you're, like, trying to catch your breath. And it just keeps getting less. Wow. That's beautiful. Oh, shit. - That's an eruption. - Yeah, it's just over and over and over. again but here's the thing with that don't you aren't you worried that that what if i always hate those videos it's like hey mom and then you just see and then just fucking clouds and these people are running and the next time you see them their face is melted off well the wind only blows one way so everyone here's safe however sometime after this the wind changed one day and everyone had to be evacuated out of there and i mean sometimes i mean seven days later seven days jesus christ dude i gotta see one where it's actually nighttime look at that man there you go you can see the eruption right there holy shit oh my god that's that's lava yeah it's lava that didn't scare you no boom boom all night long boom boom these people live next to a live volcano who are these girls it's canadian girls the new fees any uh no we did have to huddle together did you like hey man it ain't a sexual thing we need to be together here it's freezing they said that are you yeah they did oh wow that's fantastic um you gotta crouch in um bob this is great yeah man this is great thank you again buddy how come can i ask a question how come i didn't know about this i didn't know that i won so i had all these different awards yours was best pictures wow i'm so happy i won oh my it's an award it's a real award this is what makes you the best oh my god i won an award i've won two awards in my three this is three now i won the devereaux lux award for juvie best you're making it out turn it around i won wow i won uh the best app comedy app comedy central awards oh really i won the best comedy app i had i had the most amazing app you could ever have as a stand-up really like when you went to the map my head would pop up where i was on the map and you could hit it and buy tickets oh my god back in the day this is 15 years ago turn around best picture cuba look at that look at that this is amazing i'm this is my favorite award i love this and that trip was the best that trip was the best i i'm bringing a transsexual no wait a drag right there on that block a drag music night drag show we had uh four bonbon coffees each yeah right and we smoked cubans last night there i sure did last night best night was probably the best i've been to america canada denmark and cuba with you isn't that fun it's crazy four countries we need to do you know where we need to go we need to do something we need to do something we need to do some type of asian country i'm in i i i want to take i think i would take back i would think i would take back um guatemala i want to go to i want to go to japan but i want to go into the mountains of japan oh wow fiji i want to do like fuji i want fiji it's fiji i want to do the mountains of japan yeah i want to go into the mountains and i want to find these old places and eat and you know you take your shoes off and because they're so they have so many customs are so good the when you squat down i know i mean the fucking bidet things they have all the time dude i like this one of the airport you they have no toilet you just squat nice um china yeah we should do it we should do a uh a japanese trip but we go to japan and we just we do some we do some country shit fly fishing in japan oh that's where that's where all your rods are from that's where all my rods are from do you want to make an announcement for your award yeah like a video i'll put it on the uh on the ubi chip and pod um instagram page i'll put it on the ubi chip and pod yeah sure hold on take this out bobby kelly you've just won you just gotten your 2024 trippy award for best pictures how do you feel you've won an award um it's my third award in my life and i will cherish this award the most uh it's best pictures in cuba and cuba was probably uh one of my best because i had to survive yeah i had to make it and it tested my my my psychology it tested who i was as a person and uh it made me really really uh fall in love with traveling again and that's why i love ari shafir because he he takes you to the limit and he pushes you over the limit and sometimes too far to the point where you might die but we did it we made it back and uh congratulations i want to thank you and i want to thank jesus christ my lord and savior for for giving me the power to make it through the trip and uh gracias amigo si congrats dude this is great congrats um all right good episode buddy that was fun man yeah i found it bobby i found the church i went in there i don't know what was going on exactly like what you found but it was pretty cool i'm back it's market day it's way different today and they let me in the church great recommendation bobby well that's the episode everybody hope you really enjoyed it um if you did please subscribe wherever you're watching or listening um i do these every week different different place different country every week today gautamala i also have a merch for sale this ub trip and shirt is available right now please wear it wherever you're going to wilds and different places along the world like a mayan shirt um yeah wear it to mayan churches everybody to keep your hat off though it's disrespectful and then put your hat back on when you support your favorite team shella's umc from shella castanago um thank you very much for why i made you producing this episode alan caffey for editing it niana uh for putting it all together and uh of course bobby kelly award winner for 2024 trippy of the year for uh best picture um maybe this episode will be nominated for something i don't know um yeah that's it everybody i hope you really enjoyed it i got another remote check out kill box uh right now on youtube with bobby kelly's great special uh you can all see bobby kelly on the road in uncasville connecticut point pleasant beach new jersey cleveland ohio stamford connecticut new orleans louisiana mobile alabama levittown new york austin texas and brooklyn new york go to robertkellylive.com right now for tickets thank you very much everybody uh for tuning in i love this town i love this country until next week um hasta luego no no really from the church it's adios adios everybody um oh wait did i say get a ubi tripping shirt i did subscribe stickers drew vinyls that's it goodbye addendum yeah the second time in a row what the does that mean addendum an add-on did i do something wrong no had to do a post thing oh we found the cigars oh you found i found the cigars cigars were there the cigars were there they were right behind me in the bookshelf yeah this is the this is the this is why i don't do pot why because of that do pot it's not it's not people say oh it kills your brain says it's the little things that you forget you want to hear a littler thing my penis no your penis no okay danny's penis well my son's penis no shout out camera no they weren't there where were they i looked at it it's the wrong label i looked at a different label that was that color it's not this they were back in my house it is that and i found the box there was one placentia that i traded that you're smoking now yeah this is the antigua house cigar you got it i'm smoking the red because there are two other reds left and there is still one green that i smoked when i was there that i liked better it was a bit more mild bobby good episode good episode and guess where i'm going in september belarus guatemala no are you really going back really going back to guatemala in september yep for real yes what we're going to a different place we have to take a cessna to an archaeological site a pyramid that we're going to go and check out okay see okay that's crazy well yeah spoiler alert we're going to smoke these but i just want you to know they were found bobby did not get arrested and spend uh months uh having whatever happens to him in a guatemalan prison oh this time i am this time i'm going to get you a jade axe head i'm getting you a jade accent smuggle that bro if it kills me i'm smuggling that i'm smuggling in my ass yeah train him from some cuban cigars yeah um okay let's smoke these thank you but i just want everyone to know addendum addendum i got nervous i'm boston i heard it last time you're an addendum a done how about a dundum all right addendum to the addendum everybody um some updates on that cigar some updates on that cigar first of all you can see bobby kelly right now in the end uh his episode is sarah tolamash sam talent robert kelly dan soter shane gillis it's available for 5.99 starting on thursday april 16th um wow cool lighting cool backdrop i'm backdrop king um yeah 5.99 however If you want, my episode is also with Mark Norman and Duncan Trussell. My other episode is with Colm Tyrrell and Tom Segura. Now, if you're going to get those three episodes, that's $6.12. That's $18. And right now, up until Thursday, through Thursday, you can get all the episodes. All seven one-hour episodes at the end for $24.99. Price goes up to $30. That's plus service fees. You will own it for up to one year past when the last person purchases it. So probably around two years. After that, I'm going to try to figure out a way to get you a download link so you can own it forever. I just don't have that capability right now. But I am on your side. I've been poor longer than you have. So all the episodes at the end are available right now at AriShafeer.com. $24.99 for all seven episodes. That's $3.50 each. That's pretty fucking cheap for the lineup. It's Shane Gillis, Nate Bargatze, Tony Hinch, Tom Segura, Ari Shafeer, Colm Tyrrell, Duncan Trussell, Bobby Kelly, Joe List, Krista Stefano, Jim Brolin. Steve Simone, Ali Sadiq, Miss Pat. Guys, Sam Talent. Guys, come on. Jordan Jensen, Joe List. Guys, come on. I put all my money into this. You should be getting it. There's also an upsell thing for $100. You can get a signed limited edition poster. You can do that too if you want. But get all the episodes. I want you to watch them. I cannot wait for you guys to see these. Legitimately, I can't wait for you to see them. It's so good. Tell me. I want you to read them. Reach out to all the comedians once you have seen it. And I want you to tell them which ones you liked. Weigh in on social media once you've seen it. The people who bought the pre-sale. You'll all get it at the same time. Right around noon-ish. Noon to two. Somewhere like that. Eastern time. Deliver right to your inbox. You can watch it as much as you want. And you are supporting independent comedy in a way that no one else is. So, thank you. Without you, I cannot do it. And this is an offering to you, the most important people in comedy, the fans. Legitimately. It's a little bit gay to say that, but it's true. And now, oh, so you heard me on the, you're going to see me in the outro from Guatemala saying the, yeah, buddy. How are you? Thanks, buddy. Appreciate it. Hi, I'm famous. Yeah, I'll give it to you ten bucks for that later. One time I was in Santa Monica and I was trying to impress this chick from acting class and somebody came up to me and said, we saw you in Washington, D.C. at a show. Oh, I was in. Couldn't close. But I was in. Anytime you see a comedian, especially a low-level comedian, talk to a chick, just say, hey, dude, I saw you headline some show. I can't remember where. You were so funny. Anyway, I just want to let you know and walk away. You'll be helping him so much. Some TMZ guy said to me once, can we interview from TMZ? And I was like, yeah, I was talking to some fucking Serbian chick or something. And then after I was like, you don't really want an interview, do you? He goes, no, I was trying to hook you up. I was waiting for someone famous. Anyway, let's get to this addendum. So I went back to Guatemala. You saw it in the bumper, the opening bumper from Lake Atitlan. And you'll see this one from Chichicastenango. And I also went back to Antigua. Can I just say overrated city? There was one thing calling me. Two things. There's the Fuego hike, which is brutal, and I say not worth it. Fun, but not worth it. You get some juice, but the squeeze was so much. I got out of there pretty fast. Actually, I didn't even stay the night. I left early. I let the hostel keep my money. Good tostadas, though, in the town square. Did put up a UB Trippin sticker right under the bridge. If you can see it, spot it, take a picture of it. I'll give you two free tickets to any show in 2027, because I don't think anyone else has spotted that one. There's also one in my hostel in Xalacastanango. Anyway, that's not the point. The point is this. I went back to the cigar lounge in Antigua. The Antigua Cigar Lounge. The Antigua Cigar Company. To meet the guys again. Tell them how I smoked a cigar with my buddy. And how great it was. And I went in there and I go, Hey, are they here? The German and the Canadian. Canadian-German. No, German-Canadian. And they go, no, he's gone. And I was like, ah, fuck, okay. Well, I'll come back. Is he coming back later today? They're like, no, no, he's gone. And I go, maybe I can stay till tomorrow. I might come back. I might come back tomorrow. I just want to say hi and shake his hand and just let him know that, like, the Antigua Cigars, like, they did me right a few times. And I've shared them with friends. And I'm like, I don't understand. And then she said something in Spanish I'd never heard before. Said a word I'd never heard before. And so then she went to Google Translate and told me. He's gone. Yeah. I was legitimately heartbroken. He's gone. He's gone. He's gone on. He's moved on. So, buddy, wherever you are looking down or probably in the abyss of eternal nothingness, thanks. You helped me smoke a cigar with a friend. And you, I don't know, guys, visit. I don't really do ads like this much. But go visit the Antigua Cigar Company if you're there in Antigua. And get out as fast as possible. But get yourself a couple Cubans, maybe some Hondurans and Nicaraguans. And get yourself, like, a five-pack of Antigua cigars. Get the reds or the greens. It was a really sad debate. But anyway, get the guys at the end right now at rhfair.com. $5.99 per episode starting Thursday. $30 for the whole seven episode, one-hour-long episodes starting Thursday, April 16th. Or get them all for $24.99 plus tax and service fee. So it's like $29. For all seven episodes, it's about $3.00. $3.00. $3.00. $3.70 per. And then I'm, again, finding out a way for you guys to own it forever. But a minimum a year and then a minimum probably two years they'll be able to be streamed. And then I'm going to – I'm Ari Shafir. I'll figure out a way to protect the fans. All right, that's it. Goodbye. See you next time. I might do film here a lot. This is a cool backdrop. So you can take your mind off me and look at – almost. Look at this guy. Almost. Okay. For a limited time, you can get a Big Mac Mule for just $8. That's a burger, fries, and a drink. They don't call it an extra value meal for nothing. Get a Big Mac Mule only at McDonald's. Price and participation may vary. Promotion pricing may be lower than meal pricing.