Grumpy Santa

Hey, this is Alex. If you're listening to this, then that means you're a paid member of the show. So thank you so much. You are the engine that drives the show and makes it possible. So normally, you know, we use these premium feed weeks to share behind the scene stuff, extended interviews, solicit the help of our audience and trying to solve problems that we haven't been able to solve ourselves. But since we're getting ready to start a new year, and since it is Christmas on the day of this release, we wanted to use this occasion to try something a little different. [MUSIC] Because sometimes in the course of our non-hyperfixing lives, we come across a story that we just want to share. But for one reason or another, that story doesn't really have a proper place in the mandate of hyperfix. You know what I mean? There are stories that are too short or too weird. They don't have any greater point or insight into the human psyche or the systems that govern our lives. But nevertheless, they're like stories we like. And today we are sharing the first of these stories, which we are calling grumpy Santa. So in the mid-2000s, Mike Federico found himself stuck in a cycle of weird jobs. So my first quote real job was I was a telephone psychic for the Miss Cleo psychic network. And my next job was selling stuffed animals door to door, which I was really bad at. And you had a quota, like a stuffed animal quota, I could never reach. At one point, I had no money, but I ended up buying my stock of the stuffed animals and threw them in a dumpster to meet my quota and keep this terrible job. One of the reasons Mike found himself stuck was that he really wanted to be an actor. He was a theater major in college and he dreamed one day that he would join the cast of Saturday Night Live. But in order to get there, he needed jobs with flexibility, the kind that would let him leave for auditions whenever they came up. But the thing was, he had those kinds of jobs for years and the auditions just weren't coming up. And even when they were coming, Mike wasn't getting his roles, which meant that he was working shitty jobs all the time. He was always broke and he was getting older. So one day, Mike and his girlfriend Aspen decided it was time for them to get normal adult jobs. Now fortunately, this was the early 2000s and AI hadn't started taking all the entry-level gigs and making every interview process six years long. And also Mike was a pretty good writer. So he eventually landed a gig in Dallas, working as a copywriter for a fledgling travel website. And while this wasn't necessarily a like travel blog, you know, this is like earlier internet, they would find you cheap fares. And now there are a ton of sites like that, but there weren't a ton back then. So you could find cheap air fares. And I got hired as one of their copy writers. So like the work that Mike was doing wasn't exactly stimulating, but you know, paid the bills, gave him health insurance. And for a few months, he was living a pretty normal life. Until one day, that changed dramatically. So one day, a boss coming to the conference room and he was like, we have a brilliant idea, Mike, we got a great idea. We're going to dress you up as Santa Claus and we are going to fly you to all 48 continuous states in 12 days to show how we can get cheaper holiday flights than other air fares sets. His bosses had heard about his background in acting. So in addition to the schedule, they'd even come up with his character for him to play. A character they called a grumpy Santa. They were obsessed with the movie Bad Santa, but for copyright reasons, we can't do that. And they're like, you'll be grumpy Santa. If you've never seen or don't remember the movie Bad Santa, Billy Bob Thornton plays a drug addict, sex addict, alcoholic, mall Santa, who is engaged in a variety of unsavory behaviors and crimes and basically swears the entire movie. So that's sort of what they were looking for. And the company told Mike they wanted to live blog the whole escape in that they were going to hire a media relations guy from Los Angeles to film Mike doing bad Santa style sketch videos in different cities all over the country. And between Mike's life blogging and the media consultant sketch videos, the company was sure that this publicity stunt would go viral and that that virality would translate into big business for the website. And when it was all over, there'd be this sweet little reward for Mike as well. And the prize for me at the end was they were going to fly my girlfriend, who's now my wife, and I too Hawaii at the end of the grumpy Santa escapades. She and I would get to go to Hawaii for free, which sounded awesome. And so in my mind, I'm like prepping like, oh, I'm going to write some cool travel stuff. You know, we're going to go to all these different states and different cities and I'll get to see some cool things. And you know, like, I'll be a travel writer, like a real travel writer. So Mike agreed to take the gig. He sued it up and in early December, he took to the skies with this media consultant in tow. In the early days of the trip, there was nothing particularly grumpy about Mike's Santa. On his first flight out of Dallas, he's feeling fresh and excited. He's got a Santa suit on and his improv juices flowing. And people seem genuinely tickled about seeing a Santa on the flight. So they would be like, you know, where's the sleigh and how's Rudolph? And I've been good this, you know, year and can I get a new car for Christmas and ha ha ha. And like I even had like a Southwest, played a tentant like sit on my lap and sing Santa baby. And all the while, this media consultant from LA is right there filming the whole thing. He's uploading the videos online. Mike is life-blogging his travels as the grumpy Santa. And for a couple days, it's cute and funny and weird. But very quickly, the vibe starts to shift. And there are a few reasons why that happened. The first reason is, because this thing had been thrown together at the very last minute, nobody had stopped to consider the practical logistics of this trip. Because if they had stopped for even just a moment, they probably would have realized that flying to all 48 contiguous United States requires you to take a lot more than 48 flights. They should have known this working for a travel site and like living in the world. That not every city flies to every city. And when you get to some of the smaller states like Delaware or Rhode Island and things like that, you often have to backtrack to New York. And in the Midwest, you often have to backtrack to Chicago. And it would be like New York to this city back to New York, to this city back to New York. What this meant in practice was that in order to complete his mission, Mike was going to have to take 66 flights in 12 days, an average of 5.5 flights per day. Because for taking 4 to 6 flights a day, there was no time to see anything other than literally just airports. And what this meant was that right out of the gate, the very concept of this trip was immediately compromised. Because instead of filming videos of Grumpy Santa doing iconically regional things, like eating pizza, New York City, or getting a cheese steak and filly or whatever, because of the schedule that they had to keep up with, the very best they could hope for was getting a shot of him eating sabaro at the food court in JFK. And frequently, there wasn't even time for sabaro. A lot of times, we had such a short time between flights. This was already on a knife's edge. But as soon as a flight leaves 35 minutes late, which happens all the time, you're already pushed back. And now it's like you just have to run. So I would often just go to the airport snack shop or whatever you call it. And by whatever kind of little snacks I could get, because again on these flights, you're not getting meals. You're getting peanuts and drinks or whatever, but you're not getting meals. So Mike is subsisting on Coca-Cola and airport snacks. His stomach feels like absolute dog shit. He's living with this ever-looming stress of having to make the next flight, because missing even one flight can ruin an entire day of travel plans. And he's also constantly sweating through his sentissue. And because he's never stopped anywhere long enough to wash it, it never gets washed. And on top of all of that, he basically has no time to sleep. I would get maybe if I were lucky two to four hours a night. I was trying to shower at least once every couple of stops, but sometimes I would sacrifice the shower to get an extra 20 minutes, 30 minutes a sleep. Also by day five, my beard had started to grow in. My suit was sweaty and I looked like a crazy person. And I remember getting on a flight or leaving a flight and the pilot asked like, "What are you doing?" and I told him and he was like, "That is crazy. I am a pilot and I would never do four to six flights like you're doing in a day." Beyond the normal human stuff of not sleeping, just like the change in air pressure. He said constantly, "It's bad for your ears, nose, and throat." He also said like, "You know, you're traveling through airports and airplanes. You're surrounded by journey people, especially at the holidays because this is around the holidays before Christmas, the whole Santa thing." So airports are packed. He said, "It's just not healthy." He said, "That's why we have, you know, there are laws." Now granted, they're flying the plane, not just sitting there like an idiot, but you have to have a certain amount of rest and all of these things. How do you even respond to that? I mean, it was like, he was older than I was at the time and it was like getting a lecture from like an uncle and I was like, "I don't know, man, I got a job. Woo-hoo!" That was on day five. By day six, the last of the woo-energy head left Mike's body. The constant stress, the hunger, the sleep deprivation, it all drained him of his patience. He had actually at this point become the grumpy Santa. And now that he was living this character, no one in the airport even wanted to look at him, let alone participate in one of his videos. Which was fine with Mike because most of the videos were geographically indistinguishable anyway and he felt like it did make sense that they were continuing to make them or continuing this whole enterprise at all. And it turns out he wasn't alone in feeling this way. When he called the home office, he quickly learned that there were other people who were like, "Yeah, we should call this off." I mean, it was bleeding the company money and so far there hadn't been any of the expected media coverage. But there were others at the company that held out hope. Some of Mike's bosses believed that once they started heading west, things were going to turn around. The insanity would die down, the media coverage would come and business would follow. Mike just needed to hang in there. And then we got to Boston and this is like when things turned horrible. I know what you're thinking. That's when things turned horrible. But you see, with every passing day, the weather seemed to be turning more and more against them. They were marching toward actual winter and all of the darkness and ice that comes along with it. And although those weather changes had caused some delays, it had never threatened to halt their travels altogether. At least until they found themselves in Boston, sitting on the tarmac at Logan Airport in the middle of a blizzard. And the idea was we had to get back to New York one more time and then fly out west. And this was like, we were almost, we were nearing like once we would get out west, we would be really close to the end of this insanity. We're sitting on this plane and the airline is like, "Hey, this plane might get canceled. We're not sure, but we're going to give you the option we hadn't taxed away. You can go back to the gate and get a refund." My boss called from Dallas. It was like, "Don't panic. Stay on the plane. Let's wait this out and see what happens." And Mike's like, "Great. I'm more than happy to just sit here and do nothing." But Mike's travel companion, the media consultant from LA, who for the sake of this story, we're going to call Jake, is not satisfied with this decision. And we haven't talked much about this guy. But over these past several days, he had become the bane of Mike's existence. And this dude's like claim to fame was that in the 80s he had worked on entertainment tonight. So he acted as though he were some sort of like legit famous television producer who was going to get us a bunch of coverage. This guy hadn't worked in over a decade and he certainly had not gotten them a bunch of coverage. And yet, he still insisted on filming Mike pretty much constantly, even when nothing was going on. Even when Mike felt like death, even when Mike was sleeping, this guy refused to turn off the camera. Anyway, he was just horrible human being. My boss was like, don't panic, stay on the plane. And the TV producer was like, no way, we're going to get snowed in for days. We got to get out of here. We're going to take the train to New York. So we like leave the airport. And I still don't know why I followed him, but I did. And we're like, I will never forget I am in a Santa suit, in a Santa suit walking through a blizzard in Boston, lugging my bags, walking towards this train station. And I finally like go up to him. And I'm like, dude, I don't care. Like if we're taking this train, I am sleeping on this train saying like slept in days. I was like, and you're not filming me. I'm like, I will not be I need a break. And he just goes, I can film you whenever I want. And so like I had this vision because I was absolutely, it's hard to express how delirious I was at this point. So he's like, I'll film you whenever I want. And I was like, in my mind, I'm going to grab his right wrist with my right hand. I'm going to brace his elbow with my left. I'm going to snap his arm until it breaks. And then I'm just going to fucking run. A few hours later when they were finally boarding the train, Mike got a call from his boss. She said the plane took off. It lands in New York in about an hour. Six and a half hours later, after a comically slow train ride over icy tracks, Mike and Jake finally arrived in New York. This one decision had cost them a whole day. When they finally reached the Midwest, Mike feels unbelievably disgusting. He's been living on garbage airport food. He's barely sleeping, barely bathing. And he just had to march through a blizzard in a santa suit. In the videos from this period, Mike's eyes are all bugged out. And it looks like his head's going to pop. And it feels that way too. But he grinds it out. He makes it through the Midwest. And then as they're flying to Montana, Mike realizes this feeling that he's having, it isn't just fatigue. Something is very wrong. And so I turn to Jake and I'm like, the minute we land, I'm going to the hospital. And he's like, well, that's going to mess up blah, blah, blah. I was like, I don't care. I don't care. And so I land. I walk out of this airport. I can't even remember what city it was in in Montana. I get a cab. I go right to the hospital. I tell the doctor what I've been doing. And he like the pilot, but even more so is like, are you absolutely out of your mind? Like what are you doing? And he's like, well, I'm going to tell you, if you fly again, there's a real chance your eardrums are going to burst. He's like, you'll be okay. Like you're not going to die. But you will feel like blood and stuff running out of your ears. He was like, you have to at least take a day off. There's no guarantee that's enough. And he gave me antibiotics. And I don't know if this was out of the kindness of his heart or what? Just a full bottle of vikin. Mike takes the day off. And when he returns to the airport a day later, he is loading on a cloud of painkillers. Suddenly, the whole grumpy Santa thing doesn't feel quite as awful as it did. In fact, it doesn't feel like much of anything. They fly to Denver, grab the states in that mountain time zone, and then they fly to Vegas, where for one whole evening, Mike got to leave the airport to cruise the strip on the back of a motorcycle while wearing his Santa suit. In Mike's piled out memory, it's the best night of the trip. Then they quickly hit the western states before finally heading home. And I legit slept for 24 hours. I mean, my wife was just horrified. She was horrified the whole time. They gave me like a week off to like recover. And then I finally go back into the office. Now it's like right at Christmas. So I'm not even going into work. I just was like going into the office to check in and you know, get my prize, if you will. So Mike walks into the office, having just risked his life for the good of the company and fully expecting a hero's welcome. But instead, he finds that people seem to be avoiding him. And it was like a movie where like a character is walking down a hall and everyone he knows is like jumping into doors so he doesn't see them. And it was basically like, hey Mike, nobody watched your videos. Nobody read your blogs. None of this worked. And at the end, they're like, hey, this cost us way too much money. We can't send you and ask them to Hawaii. No. Yeah. But here is a framed photo of you as grumpy Santa and a little list of all the cities you went to. Unbelievable. I would have burned the place down. Yeah. I if I were me now, I absolutely would have. I was still and God, sometimes I think about I was like, what was I doing? I was so paranoid about not having work that I was like, okay, it was just like absolute madness. Now I will say I did not stay there much longer after that. I literally went back to school, woke up one day and I was like, my wife was like, you have to get out of there, just go to grad school and I did. (laughing) And sometimes I think about it, almost like it was not me. It was like a different, I was a different person and that was the grumpy Santa tour. (bell ringing) I'm pleased to report that in the years since his grumpy Santa days, Mike has worked a number of very normal jobs. After getting a master's degree in humanities, Mike started working as a university English professor, a job that gave him both a salary and the flexibility to go on auditions. If you live in the Dallas area, you've probably seen his face on a bunch of different commercials. And with the money he's earned from that work, Mike and Aspen finally got to go to Hawaii. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) Hyperfix is produced and edited by Amore Yates, Emma Cortland and Sarah Soffer Sucanik. It's engineered by Tony Williams. The music on this episode was by the mysterious break master cylinder and myself. And the special bonus episode, Fun Fact of the Week, is that the reason it always feels so quiet and still during and just after a snow storm is because the snow absorbed sound waves. However, if in the ensuing days, it melts a little bit and then refreezes, it will better reflect sound, thereby allowing sound to travel further. How do you like that? Who knew? I mean, scientists knew. Anyway, that's the episode. Merry Christmas, happy holidays. Thanks so much for listening and we'll see you next week. (upbeat music) (upbeat music)