growing older, but not growing up

(sizzling) Hello, hello, welcome back to a new episode. It is me again, hopefully you haven't forgotten about me. I know that it kinda goes to you guys for a good couple of weeks, but I am back better than ever. JK is still very much the same, but I do have some new things that I wanted to share with you guys. And I decided why not just pick up the microphone, turn on my recordings software, and catch up with you guys, because this is one of my all time favorite things to do on this podcast. This doesn't even feel like a podcast, it honestly just feels like a FaceTime call, but you know, with the video off and just audio, because this is a very safe space, or at least that's kind of what you guys have made it for me. So I feel very comfortable for sharing on the internet as usual. But let's do a quick little catch up, you know, because you guys haven't heard from me in so so long, and of course I have to keep you guys updated on my life. And let me tell you, I got some things that I wanna talk about, and this is sort of actually what inspired the topic of this episode. So hopefully this is somewhat relatable. It's actually pretty funny whenever I say that, or think of that, sometimes I come up with like a podcast idea, and then I'm just like, I feel like no one's really gonna relate to this, or this seems like a very individualistic kind of experience, and I'm not sure if anyone's gonna find this like entertaining, but somehow you guys always seem to surprise me with the amount of DMs that I get that are like, hey, you know, I feel like a lot of your episodes really speak to me, and it really resonated. I really connected with it, and I'm just like, damn, that's sort of crazy, because I thought I was the only one. So I'm pretty sure maybe this episode will resonate with some of you guys, not necessarily everyone, but some of you, hopefully. Anyways, enough of that. Let's get started. So let me tell you what started all of this a couple weeks ago. I was on Amazon Prime Video. If you guys didn't know, if you have a Prime account, you also have access to Prime Video, which is essentially kind of like Netflix, but not as good, although they do have a huge collection of really, really old TV shows, and I feel like it's just like this really insane backlog of really old films that were cheap to obtain rights to for some reason, I don't know. But most of the things on there, I've like never heard of before, and they're so obscure and like weird. So if you're looking for like very niche and old films to watch, then Amazon Prime Video is a spot for you. But anyways, I was just on there one day, and I came upon this movie called What's Eating Gilbert Grape. Now the thing is, this movie is like not indie. It's pretty popular to be honest, and I first watched it back in high school. Back in high school, when I watched it for the first time, I didn't really think too much of it, mainly because I was young, you know, I didn't think too deep into the film, and it wasn't super relatable at the time. But overall, I still thought it was a very good film, and the acting that was in it from like Leonardo DiCaprio, Johnny Depp, was amazing, stellar, 10 and a 10. They put on such a beautiful performance. I think, correct me if I'm wrong, that film might have been what catapulted like Leonardo DiCaprio into his like fame and Hollywood career. But like I said, I could very much be wrong, so do not hold me on that. I watched a movie a couple weeks ago, and for some reason, the second time I rewatched this film, it hit me so different, I don't know what it was. It had me thinking differently. I'm not sure if it's just a combination of me being in that exact same position as Johnny Depp, and all those words that the girl was saying to him that was hitting me really hard, I don't know what it was, but for those of you that don't know what the movie is all about, I'll try to give you like a very short brief summary. Essentially, it's about this family, mainly this guy named Gilbert Grape, that lives in this really, really small town. So this town is so small that it tends to be like a pit stop for trailers to kind of go through to their final destination. He lives with his sort of like dysfunctional, but very, very realistic family. And I think the highlight of the film is essentially his relationship with this younger brother named Arnie that has autism. The reason why this movie hits so differently is because you want to feel bad for Gilbert, but at the same time, it's this very much gray area. It's not black and white because he has to choose between his family, what he wants and all these other things. What really starts the movie is when this girl named Becky comes into town on her trailer with her grandmother and she starts to develop this sort of like mutual affection with Gilbert and she makes him realize, hey, life is so much bigger than what's in this small town and you are capable of so much more and that leaves him basically speechless and dumbfounded because never once in his life has he ever considered putting himself first and not thinking about his family and just thinking about what he wants because his entire life he's just been taking care of his brother, taking care of his mom and just his entire family working at the small little grocery store, trying to make ends meet and it's been very much a survival mentality rather than dreams and aspirations and all these privileged things that other people pretty much take for granted. So that hit me like a truck, let me tell you. Him living in a small town kind of reminded me of how I live in the suburbs, although it's like nowhere close to like where he lived. He was like on the side of nowhere. I think to me living in the suburbs almost feels like the same just because there's practically nothing to do in terms of opportunities and just doing what I really want to do. None of it can be found in my town where I live and my dream job and my career aspirations and whatnot cannot be filled where I live. So it's very hard to say. Essentially when I watch a movie again for the second time, it was something different, let me tell you. So I just started bawling and I felt all these different emotions for the movie that I never felt the first time around. Let me tell you. So when I finished watching the movie, I was like, okay, get a grip. You are not gonna develop this obsessive sort of fan mentality towards this like movie that was made almost 20 years ago. Like I guess what I did. I went on Google and I started searching up like what's eating Gilbert Grape fan merch. And obviously I couldn't find a single thing because I don't know who in the right mind is still making like Gilbert Grape memorabilia or like merchandise. If you are, please hit me up because I'd actually love to know. If you know of a place, DM me, it's very important. But I couldn't find a single thing of course, unless I wanted to buy this super ugly like t-shirt on red bubble. So I was like, let's not do that. So what I did instead was I googled what's eating Gilbert Grape movie cover book. And I was able to find a few and I managed to buy a movie cover from Thrift Books and it was like $5. I was super anxious about the package coming in the mail because I was like, if this doesn't have the movie cover, then I don't know how I'm gonna refund this because this is a whole reason why I bought the book. Like I obviously wanna read it too, but I was like, dude, I just really want this movie cover so bad. Thankfully enough, when it came in, it did have the movie cover. However, it is super beat up and really janky looking but for $5, I truly cannot complain. It was free shipping too. So it is what it is. I'm happy to have it. I did see that there is like a Leonardo DiCaprio cover version out there but unfortunately that was sold out and I could only find one listing. What's eating Gilbert Grape stuff is very rare out there right now. It's very sparse. So I don't know. The market is just not there. The demand is not there except for me. So if you happen to have anything that is Gilbert Grape related, please let it really know because she's out here struggling right now to start her Gilbert Grape collection and it is just not working out for the best. So yeah, essentially that is what brings me on to today's topic of getting older but not feeling like you're growing. And I think that was what made this movie resonate so much with me living in a small town. I feel like it's very, very hard. And on top of that, we're in the middle of this like pandemic quarantine type of lockdown situation. So it feels very much isolating and everything feels very restrictive. So you can imagine how it feels to kind of see people on the internet or even just people that you know start to accomplish things and really kind of move on with their lives to these adult things. and accomplish so many things while you're just kind of sitting here in your room and time is going past, time is moving forward, but you're just here and it feels like time is almost frozen in a way even though the rest of the world is not. And I think that's one of the things that I really appreciated about lockdown because for once in however many years it just felt like everyone was slowing down because they were forced to but then it also made me feel somewhat good about my situation in a way too. However horrible that sounds I guess it just made me feel like oh it's kind of nice because now I don't have to rush to kind of finish these hypothetical goals that I set out for myself because no one else is in a rush it seems. I also started to kind of realize that too when all of my friends started graduating this year so technically I should have graduated this year but I took a gap year and I don't regret it at all okay don't take this as like a sign of me saying I wish it could go back in time and didn't take the gap year yet yet yet yet that is not the case whatsoever I'm still very much thankful and grateful that I had the opportunity to take a gap year but it was just a matter of like it feels so weird because I thought I was gonna graduate on time with everyone and it's weird to have all these friends that are in different phases of their lives I have some friends that are just starting grad school so they're very much still in the early stages of their academic journey while I have others that are starting out their careers so it's very much an interesting mixture and it gives you a lot of different perspectives but then in a way it makes you feel like you're kind of caught in the middle and I think what's really interesting is that when you have friends that are in varying sort of stages of their lives literally I kid you not I have friends that some of them are in long term serious relationships they've been with their man's for like years and then I have other friends that haven't even kissed anyone so it's like what is going on it's so true what they say like I've seen so many tick talks of people that are like oh my gosh I have some friends that are getting married and other friends that self-data parents like if they can go out for the weekend or they have a curfew and I'm just like if that ain't my life I'm telling you so it just feels so weird um and then I think it's also because I started like interning you know I've talked about this before on my channel can remember if I mentioned this on my podcast but yes I started interning and it feels weird because I'm like you know a part of this little group of co-ops and everyone else at work is way older so at work I feel really young but then outside of that I feel old so it's like what exactly is this on tick talk I feel like I'm old as heck because everyone on that app is just so young and I think it's just like on the side of tick talk that I'm on that makes it even worse I don't know how to get out of it the algorithm is not helping me out but I swear to god I just be seeing so many like teenagers and I don't even realize that their teens until I go on like their bio or I see like one of their tick talks and I'm just like okay yeah you're in high school bye I need to leave this is very much creepy I'm not a fan um but then when I go back to work I'm like oh my gosh I feel so young so immature and just I don't know a single thing and these people seem so reassured confident and like I just I want to be like that so bad and it's so true what people say like your 20s is a whole mess and I'm like I'm just starting my 20s but I already want to get out like I want to leave this is this is not it but anyways once again back to the topic of just growing older but not growing up I have been wanting to move out for the longest time and I think it's just a matter of me being a content creator and still kind of like I guess putting myself in that bracket of creators that have moved out at such a young age and not even just content creators a lot of people around my age have I don't know they've had some sort of financial capability to move out like downtown and live by themselves and whenever I see someone around my age living by themselves the pangs of jealousy that I get from seeing that is unreal and it's so bad because I just I want to be supportive I want to be you know living on this whole mindset of like everyone has their own path and I do preach that type of mentality most of the time okay I don't want to say I'm a toxic bitch I want to say 90% of the time I'm like okay you go girl I'm so proud of you you deserve it but like that 10% when I feel really shitty about myself and then I see someone living their best lives all by themselves and this really nice condo I'm just like I wish that could be me so badly like what are they doing that I'm not doing I just don't get it I'm so sick of living at home and it's so funny because sometimes I think I get into these very different like wave lengths of like one second I'm like okay I want to move out I'm so tired of having to like share the kitchen it's so loud and noisy I can't film my videos properly yet again yet but then sometimes I'll lay lay awake like in bed and then I'll be like oh my god if I move out I will literally be cut off from everyone and I'm gonna be so sad and I know that I will get like homesickness I don't know how some people just move out when they don't get homesickness maybe it's just because I'm someone that lives in a really big sort of like household it might be different for people that live in a smaller household but when you live in a big household that has lots of people it basically just feels like you're living in a community setting like 24/7 so it's very different essentially I'm just like yeah sometimes I fight between wanting to move out and then feeling like okay I'm just gonna stay here forever I guess no need to move out now big deal but right now I'm just leaning more towards I want my own space my content would flourish a lot more if I had my own kitchen and like all this space and just time to myself without having to worry about what other people are doing other people's schedules and just I wanted to not let this be an episode where I kind of like preach about you know what are some things that we could be doing to let go of this mindset but it's also just accepting that it's okay because once you realize that like oh wait chill you know 2022 I'm like 22 basically I'm not that old I gotta like put it in perspective in comparison to TikTok people I'm old but in the regular world it's it's nothing I'm literally still a child so that's what I like to look at it as just know that if you feel like you're in an area where you're not growing you're kind of stuck maybe it's about time that you step out of your comfort zone who knows and I think I'm really feeling that because I haven't done anything new I had like a brief period where I was really feeling like the effects of stepping out of my comfort zone because I was applying to jobs I was applying to internships and I was doing interviews and that was like really new and exciting and it's been a while since I had to do something like that I had to be outgoing but because I found like an internship I don't have to do any of that anymore so I pretty much plateaued I think I'm like literally getting stagnant so I'm trying to push myself again and I think that's something that people have to realize growing and maturing it doesn't necessarily always have to be like a physical type of situation such as moving out you know getting a car and all these other things all these other like very tangible milestones it can very much be inner things because once you build on these things within yourself then all of these outer sort of milestones and achievements will follow I think that's something that just happens and you don't have to worry about things falling into place because they will eventually just don't spend so much time worrying about what you don't have and start thinking about what you can do right now in the moment to achieve it I've started to realize too that this whole thing of like you know thoughts are just thoughts are not reality if you think too hard on it it does somewhat turn into reality because when your mind starts to really wrap around an idea it can leak into like your actions because sometimes when you have very negative thoughts it can be very debilitating towards you know oh can I do this I guess not because I don't think I'm good enough that is one instance of like okay yeah I guess thoughts are very much powerful and what you're thinking about can manifest can manifest into reality but that's just like worst case scenario so don't worry because I feel like me just saying that gives people anxiety and it's giving me anxiety because it's like I'm someone that overthink so are you telling me that if I'm over thinking about this one situation it's actually reality no no that is not the case whatsoever I'm just saying that if you're always constantly stuck in that mindset and you think that that's like the only sort of wavelength or mindset or perception that's going around then obviously it's going to limit you But if you keep your mind open and basically just have like your third eye Open and accepting to the fact that like let's say for example you make a mistake in your head You're like, oh my god. Everyone's gonna think I'm incapable. I'm worth it. I'm not good at this When in reality like most people just don't care like yet, you know, they see that you've made a mistake But they've been in that situation. They're not gonna think that like oh my god She's a dumb bitch hell note that is not the case. They're probably just gonna be like, okay Yeah, that's cool and then move on and like forget about it once you clock out like I'm telling you my head is so empty The moment I clock out from work like I do not remember if a co-workers said something like Mildly embarrassing or they made a mistake from like hours ago or even just 30 minutes ago because it truly does not matter that much So just something to put in mind. It's all about like Perspective it truly is and I cannot stress that enough. So I feel like I'm just in that Stage and mindset where it's like yeah, you know, I'm not really growing as fast as I'd like to but at the same time I'm trying to take things my own way and carving out my own path and I think what's really unique and nice to think about is that Everyone's story is so insanely unique and different that If you were to tell me that you were comparing your situation to someone else's I'd be like what in the damn hell? What are you doing that for? No one truly has it all even if it may seem like that On the outside there is always something always always and that's not A way for you to be like oh shit. Okay. Yeah, I guess I can feel better about myself now. No, no, no That's not what I mean what I mean is like that's what makes every person so unique and special in the sense that Everyone's story and plot is just so different and we should appreciate that that's the beauty of human nature and life in general And I don't know why I'm getting so philosophical when I was just talking about this movie that I was obsessed with like weeks ago But anyways, I just want to say this coming in VH movie. What's eating Gilbert grape so good if you haven't seen it yet You must check it out. I'm telling you it is not a coincidence that Netflix released this movie a couple weeks after I watched on Amazon Prime Clearly it's a sign that you should go watch it for yourself and What I need for you guys to do if you end up watching this movie please report back to me and Message me on IG wherever and let me know your thoughts on it if it resonated with you if it didn't if you liked it if you did not That's okay. We're all entitled to our own opinions not a big deal, but yes, so That is pretty much it for this episode I'm not sure if it was as like motivating or inspiring, but that is not the point of this podcast anyways Although it seems like I might have framed it in that way I think this is more just a little ketchup type of session till you guys know This is where I'm at and to just help you guys put in perspective like it's okay if it feels like your life is at a standstill Everyone has these moments Not everything has to be romanticized not everything has to be beautiful stunning Stetically pleasing life can be boring life can be monotonous That's okay. That's just how it is on a day-to-day basis And it is necessarily mean it's a bad thing and I think that we should stop piping up everyone's You know regular every day life and trying to make it a highlight real every single day because that will never be the case And it's totally fine life is beautiful just the way it is and you just got to find beauty in the small things That's pretty much it. That's all I had to say for this episode I hope you guys enjoyed it and as always I will see you in the next one. Bye