growing is so uncomfortable lol

A dinner that I eat frequently is pasta with tomato sauce, some veggies, and some sort of cheesy topping. They're like Parmesan cheese or nutritional yeast, which is like a vegan cheesy weird alternative. And the last two nights that I've eaten it, about 10 minutes post-consumption of the meal, I've developed a really bizarre rash on my elbows, knees, and ears. Okay. Itchy red patches on my elbows and knees in hot, burning, red ears. What is that? I googled it. I didn't, I didn't figure anything out. I don't really know what's going on. But if you're wondering why my aura is off, if my aura even is off, I can't tell if it's off. It's really hard to read your own aura. You can do it. It's possible. But it's kind of hard. If my aura seems off to you, it's because I'm having an active allergic reaction right now. I don't know what it is. Is it the tomato sauce and my allergic to tomatoes? Well, that will suck because I love tomato based things. I love ketchup. Does this mean I can't eat ketchup anymore? I love dipping a frying ketchup. Even more sad, this is one of my go-to dinners. I love this dinner. I love a big bowl of pasta with red sauce, with tomato sauce. I love that. Am I allergic to broccoli? That's my favorite vegetable. And that's what was in the pasta last two nights. I had broccoli in there. I'm bummed right now. So if my aura is off, it's because my body is a mystery to me right now. It is a mystery. And I will get to the bottom of it. And I may keep you posted. But either way, I'm giving an aura disclaimer. If the aura is off, that's why. The aura also might be off because of the topic of this episode. Although I will say, I feel like the phase of life that I'm in right now isn't necessarily destroying my aura. Like I don't feel like my aura completely sucks. However, I'm definitely in a stage of limbo in my life right now in a way that's undeniably, deeply uncomfortable for me. And I don't think it's putting me into a bad place that's like emanating bad vibes out of me. But I'm definitely a little bit uncomfortable. And that's what I'm going to be talking about today. The phase of life that I'm in. And to be honest, I didn't write an outline for this episode. And I'm normally very type A in particular about writing outlines for every single podcast episode to ensure that there's a flow. And it's easy to follow, but I didn't do that today. And that freaks me out. But that also kind of goes hand in hand with what I'm going through in my life right now, which is what I would call a growth stage. I briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode of anything goes is presented by hotels.com. Save your way as a new feature on hotels.com. And it says simple as it sounds when you book a trip as a hotels.com member. You decide how to use your savings. Take the instant savings now or bank the savings as rewards for later. It's your call only at hotels.com. Save your ways available to loyalty members in the US and UK on hotels with member prices. Other terms apply seasite for details now back to the episode. I feel like I'm growing right now. Okay. In a way that makes me very uncomfortable because growing is uncomfortable. But see, the thing is it's one thing to grow on like a micro scale like in one area of your life. It's another thing to be growing on a broader scale like in multiple areas of life at once. And right now I feel like I'm going through a phase where I'm 360 growing. I'm growing in every single category of my life. I don't feel solid necessarily in any area of my life. And it's definitely very chaotic and uncomfortable. But I also know that it's awesome and it's crucial. And I think the purpose of today's episode is not to necessarily share with you my solution on how to handle an uncomfortable growth phase that sort of feels like a limbo. But rather just share what I'm going through because that's kind of all I know how to talk about right now. You know, it's hard to talk about anything else when you're in a phase like that. And it's fascinating because it genuinely applies to every single category in my life. Okay. Let's break down the categories of life. There's mental health, mental wellbeing. Okay. That's one area. There's career in job. There's social life interacting with other people. There's purpose like your goals and your purpose in life. Morals, values, goals, purpose, you know, that category. What else? I feel like that's it. Oh, there's also love romance potentially for some of us. I would say I'd break my life down into those five categories. I mean, there's probably more, but I just can't think of them right now. And I will say I'm in an uncomfortable growth period in every single one. Let's walk through it. Starting with my mental health and wellbeing. Okay. If you're familiar with me, you know, my mental health challenges consist of anxiety, OCD, perfectionism, control freak, ism, imposter syndrome. I can't get depressed. I'm not really depressed right now. Whoa, loving that, loving that, loving that. That one's not rearing its ugly head right now, but that does happen sometimes. It's been a while though. That's sort of who I am, right? And I think I'm at a point right now where I've sort of enabled those brain neuro pathways for so long. And I've not really addressed the root of those issues. Like I've just kind of put a lot of band-aids on those challenges. You know, like, for example, if I'm super anxious because one of my parents didn't answer the phone and I start spiraling, inspiring, inspiring, inspiring about, you know, what if something happened to them? Okay. What has been the solution to that up until this point? It's been, let me get a hold of them. Okay. And then once I get a hold of them, I can let go of that anxiety. But see, that's not really getting to the root of the problem. That's just a band-aid. Getting a hold of them and proving to myself that my anxiety was false, you know, that is not necessarily a full-on solution. Because that doesn't help me develop any tools moving forward. I've kind of, I've kind of been band-aid methoding. And something that I'm particularly struggling with right now mentally is ironically, I have some things going on in my life that are really good. Like I've been blessed with a few blessings in my life as of recent in a way that has been very profound for me in a way that I am unbelievably grateful for. Okay. And instead of just being grateful and stoked about the blessings in my life, if you will, I've found myself actually kind of unable to process that I can receive such blessings. And instead of enjoying these things, I'm more anxious in paranoid and freaked out than ever. And I've tried, you know, all the things that I know how to do, right? Mindfulness, even weird little things like imagining a stop sign in my head when I start spiraling about how well things are going, perhaps getting myself back on track in that way, slowing down, you know, blah, blah. I've tried all the things that usually work and they're not working this time. I'm finding that I'm convincing myself that I don't deserve these things and that because I've received certain blessings, that now means that I'm going to be cursed. And that's definitely an OCD brain thing, right? And it's bad. It's really bad and it's really uncomfortable and it's really ruining. It's not ruining, actually, let's be gentle here. It's not ruining, but it's making it very hard for me to enjoy the moment when I know, and this is advice I've given on this podcast, I know how important it is to enjoy the moment and to not worry about certain good things being taken away. Listen, when Benson Boone said, please stay, I won't wait, what do you say? He's like, these beautiful things that I've got. That's like me right now. That's literally me right now being like, don't take it away. Okay, and I think that's somewhat normal, right? To be so grateful for certain things in life that come into your life that then you sort of spiral about how you could fuck it up or ruin it. But see, for me, my brain takes it a step further and instead of just being like, oh, all of these beautiful things that have entered my life, I'm not even worried about those things getting ruined. I'm worried about somehow it's triggered my brain to then be anxious about just catastrophe in general in my life. Things feel really nice right now in a way and it's making me afraid of major catastrophe, unrelated to actually the blessings in my life. If that makes sense, I've been really grappling with this and I'll be honest, I do not have the solution. And I've even been thinking, is this something that I need to help with? Like a little more help, you know? Like is it time to talk to a professional? And I'm wondering that. And it probably is. But see, the thing is, I'll always give that advice to other people, but when it's myself, I'm much quicker to say, "No, no, no, I got this handled." In my the way, that's sometimes true. Maybe I do. But I think I'm having a moment of growth with my mental health maintenance, where I'm like, "Ooh, I'm starting to wonder if I need a little more help with this." And I don't know if that is the answer or not yet, necessarily, or if I'm gonna have some sort of epiphany, or I'm gonna develop some sort of coping mechanism that's, or not even coping mechanism, but some skill that helps me with this on my own. That's also possible. But I am realizing that the way that I've been managing my mental health challenges is maybe not working anymore. Like it's almost like the monster inside of my brain has grown. Now I need a bigger sword. And I'm not sure how I'm going to, where I'm gonna get that sword. Okay, I'm not really sure what that sword looks like. Is it super long? Does it have a super dramatic handle? Is it more short in minimalist in its style? You know, like I don't really know right now. But I'm on the precipice. Like I'm on the precipice of, like something's gotta change. You know what I'm saying? I can't live like this. I'm realizing. And I think admitting that is necessary in growing through it. But I think the problem is I don't really know what to do. Only time will tell, you know, and I'm kind of gonna let myself discover the solution with time, but it's just an uncomfortable period right now where I'm like, ooh, this is a big problem, you know? And it's gotten a bit worse. And I think getting a bit worse made me realize, okay, I need to, I need to figure out how I'm gonna slay this demon and I need to find my weapon. And I don't know what my weapon is. But I will say I'm really working hard right now, as I'm in this limbo in this particular area in my life, to put myself in uncomfortable positions to encourage more growth. Okay, for example, I'm about to leave for a trip. And I'm actually very excited about this trip. You know, it's a work trip, but it's gonna be really fun. And on this particular trip, I'm not going with any of my safety blankets, okay? I'm not taking my parents. I'm not taking any of my close friends. I'm going pretty much completely alone. And there will be people in my travels that I know and love and am very close to, but like I'm not going on this trip with anyone, right? Like there's no one staying down the hall. And on this particular trip, I'm stopping in a few places. And there's no one who's gonna be like a consistent person there with me through my travels. And that's been really anxiety inducing for me, not because I'm worried about being alone. I'm okay with that right now. I've done some work on that because I became very dependent on traveling with others for a little while there. And it kind of caused anxiety for me then I became really anxious about traveling alone because it became really unfamiliar. And then I encouraged myself to travel alone a few times and I got over that fear. And it was very successful. And I'm feeling much more comfortable traveling alone. However, on this particular trip that I'm leaving for, I'm struggling with anxiety about, okay, I feel like I'm gonna go on this trip and while I'm gone, something bad's gonna happen. And I'm gonna be really far away from home. And because I am gonna be particularly far away from home, I'm going to Europe. I mean, that always feels kind of jarring to me because it is so far away. You know, it's a 10 hour flight from California where my whole family is and whatever. And where most of my loved ones are. And for whatever reason, I'm feeling really uncomfortable with that. And I've even considered cancelling the trip honestly. I was like, I don't even know if I want to do this. You know, but there's opportunities, work opportunities that I'm stoked about that I will get to do on this trip. But then my brain is like, well, you being stoked about this trip means that something bad's gonna happen. What if something bad happens while you're gone? My brain is having a hard time just enjoying the moment right now. In a way that I think is particularly bad. (laughs) And so I'm curious to see what happens because I'm not cancelling the trip. I'm going to go. And I think what I'm trying to remember is that doesn't matter if I'm on this trip or not, bad things can happen at any time. Bad things also might not happen at any time. Like it doesn't, I think my brain likes to conflate. Like, oh, if good things are happening in your life, and that means balance must ensue, and that means bad things must happen too. And that's just not real. That's literally just my anxiety and my OCD, fucking with me. It's not real, you know? And I know that this trip is gonna be psychologically challenging for me, which sounds ridiculous to say, because it's like, wow, I'm about to go have like a very one, like I could have a really wonderful time and a very productive time. But instead, my brain is choosing to catastrophize. And as much as I want to just cancel it and stay home and be close to everybody and not go do that, I'm gonna go do that. And I think this trip will really help inform me in what my next move is. You know, if I have some sort of epiphany or real growth moment, then, okay, you know, that might be a sign that I'm developing the skills I need to handle it on my own. And if not, then maybe it's time to involve perhaps a professional who can help me with my brain because I'm not playing around anymore. I'm, it's gotten to that point now and we'll see what ends up happening. So that's where I'm at with my mental health and well-being. Now, let's discuss where I'm at in my career, okay? I am in a really uncomfortable growth period in my career where it is not clear to me where I wanna go next. And I know that there's something, you know what I mean? I feel it in my bones. I'm like, there's something coming next, perhaps. But I don't know what it is exactly. But I know that it's not anything that I've done before. And I know that because I watch my YouTube videos, for example, I can't even try to listen to my podcast episodes. I do not listen to them. I can't, but like I watch my YouTube videos, for example, and I cringe even at like the last video I made a month and a half ago or whatever, two months ago. Even that video I cringe at and I just made that. I know like I'm cringing at everything I've ever done right now, which is a totally normal part of growth, especially in a more creative career. You're gonna cringe, you're gonna cringe at stuff when you about grown it. And I feel like I've outgrown a lot of what I've done thus far in my career. And I feel like Emma as a 24, almost 25 year old is ready for the next chapter. But unfortunately for me, I don't know what that is yet. I really don't know. And I've been trying to figure it out for a few months, but it's not coming to me as quickly as I wish it would. And the most painful part about that is, I'm forced to look back at what I've done before and I'm not satisfied with it. You know, it makes me uncomfortable because I've grown past it. But then I don't quite know yet what my next form of say expression is. I don't really know what it is. I know I'm kind of taught, it sounds like I'm speaking in code, it's so vague. But it's also vague to me. I don't even know what I wanna do. Like listen, I have some ideas kind of percolating in my head, but nothing is solid enough for me to take action. And it's driving me, it's driving me nuts a little bit, especially as somebody who's super type A, kind of a victim to hustle culture, like struggles with attaching myself worth to my work ethic. That's something I work on. And it's very important to me because that's an unhealthy thing to do. I'm somebody who's prone to that, right? I have a tendency to fall into that. And I'm struggling because I don't feel like I'm making anything right now. And it's because I don't have any ideas that really feel right. And that's so normal, right? Especially again, in this particular career path that's more creative, it's less of a schedule. It's very odd, you know, it's a very odd layout and I'm aware of that, but I'm struggling because I'm not very productive, I don't feel very productive right now, in a way. Like I wanna make something so bad, like I wanna make something, you know, and when I say I wanna make something, I think for me, ultimately that is entertainment of some sort, right? I guess some could say that I'm on the internet making entertainment, really. I guess if you were to boil it down, I mean, I think there's a little bit more to it. I think I kind of teeter between entertainment and weirdly like connection and conversation and vulnerability and whatever. It's like, which isn't necessarily inherently entertaining always, but it does serve some sort of purpose in that way. I wanna make something, I have this, I'm burning on the inside, like it's burning a hole into me, but I don't know what it is yet. Like I feel like, yeah, it's driving me nuts and I feel immense guilt as well too. Like I think especially on YouTube in particular, like I wanna make YouTube videos so bad And I noticed that. Some people, this might sound so fucking stupid. It's like, yeah, then make one 88, 88, make one. Literally make one. Like what? What are you talking about? I know. I know. It sounds ridiculous, but I feel the most proud of what I'm doing when it's like coming from the right place. And I'm not just making something to make it, but I'm making something and there's some sort of purpose in it for me. And yeah, I'm just not really clear on it all right now. And I don't really know what my next chapter is. And it's been really hard on my self-esteem, honestly, because as I mentioned, you know, I'm a perfectionist and I attach my sense of self to my productivity at times. There's been somewhat of an ego death in all of this. And again, from the outside looking in, it might not be clear, but I've spent so many days at home staring at the ceiling, thinking, getting nothing done. And that's a part of this career path, you know what I mean? That is a part of it. If your job is creative, that is inevitable. You're not going to be able to get stuff done all the time. And I know that, but I will say that this particular phase that I'm going through right now has been the longest, I think I've ever experienced where I'm just kind of empty. And I think the other thing is too, is that I know the truth, which is that when in a phase like this, it's very important to live life because not to completely isolate myself and just stare at the ceiling 24/7, right? Okay, maybe like eight, five, no, maybe eight, four, eight hours a day, four days a week, maybe 24/7, not good, right? As a creative person, you have to live your life in order to find inspiration for things. That's where you find inspiration for things. And that's where you get ideas. And I struggle with that at times. And especially recently, you know, I've really had to force myself to continue to live my life and not just lock myself away until I come up with the ideas I want to come up with. But I know the truth, which is that I need to go out and live my life in order to come up with those ideas. So it's safe to say it's a cluster of fucking my brain right now about that. And listen, again, it's not even like a bad thing. I know, like I'm not completely spiraling into oblivion about it, but it's definitely very uncomfortable to feel sort of aimless, to feel like I don't know what my next move is, to feel like I'm not satisfied with anything I've ever made before. And again, it's all a normal part of it, but like an ego death comes from that. An ego death comes from that in a way, you know, I'm forced to sort of really check in right now and make sure that my sense of self is not just coming from my productivity and my career because I don't feel like I have it all sorted right now, you know? And I will say too, it's interesting because again, like on the surface, it might not seem like that because there's a lot of things going on career-wise for me that are like years in the making, things that I've been working on for years that are just coming out now, which is very exciting, but at the same time, like I'm thinking about what I want to work on next. And I think that's what I'm struggling with, right? Having things come out now that I've been working on for years or whatever, that's awesome, but unfortunately, my brain is like, okay, but you gotta figure out what you're doing next. And that's where I'm sort of confused. And I think I know the answer to this and it's that I can't force it. I can't force it. I can't force it out of me. I need to be more patient with myself and I can't expect the answers to come to me when I'm trying to force them to come to me. And that's just the particular dynamic. That's just the dynamic that comes with any sort of creative job. There are gonna be times where you're completely brain empty. And that's where I'm at. I briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode is presented by Venmo. Okay, hear me out. Apparently, you can earn cashback with your Venmo debit card. All you have to do is join Venmo stash in boom. You get cashback when you shop at your favorite brands. It's kind of an awesome flex. With Venmo stash, you can get up to 5% cashback at your Fave brands. Just pick a bundle of your go-to's to shop with your Venmo debit card and earn cashback at them. In your free to mix things up, you can easily swap out your bundle of brands every 30 days. Start earning when you do more with stash. Venmo stash terms and exclusions apply max $100 cashback per month. See terms at Venmo.me/stashterms. Now back to the episode. Next, my social life. I actually will say, when I think about my social life, I feel like my social life is actually quite good. Maybe that's one of the only areas right now where I don't feel uncomfortable. I feel pretty good. I have great friends. I'm making new friends lately that I'm loving. I'm in a really good spot socially. I will say the only thing that's maybe making me a little bit uncomfortable right now. There is a little bit of growth going on in this category. It's just not as obvious as the other categories of my life. I will say one thing that I struggle with is I have a really hard time with not wanting to hang out with people. There's some, let me explain. Sometimes you meet people and you just get a vibe. In a media, you're like, this is somebody I just click with. This is just for whatever reason, on a cosmic level, somebody that I just connect with. I energetically it feels light, it feels right, it feels good. And then sometimes you meet people who may be on the surface are honestly super nice. But for whatever reason, there's just an energetic disconnect. Sometimes that's because maybe you're sensing something. Maybe there is weird intentions going on with that person. Maybe they have weird intentions with you. Weird motives for wanting to be friends. Maybe you're just getting a sense that their morals or values don't align with yours or whatever. Maybe you're too different. Not that you have to have the exact same morals and values, I guess, as your friends. You can disagree on certain things. I think that is totally possible depending on the things, of course, in how you feel about them. But yeah, I don't think you need to agree 100% about everything with your friends. I guess morals and values are pretty heavy. And maybe it is more important to be aligned on those things. But I think morals and values are vast and cover almost every single topic of life. And I think it's normal and okay to disagree on a few things here and there. But perhaps when you get a vibe from somebody who maybe seems really wonderful in the surface but you get a weird vibe, you get an off vibe. Could be you sensing that maybe there is a fundamental difference between you two that just wouldn't work or like, I don't even know. But sometimes you just get a vibe from somebody and you're like, that just doesn't feel right. Even if they're so wonderful in the surface. And see, I have a really hard time, especially in this very social era of my life where I'm trying to make more friends, trying to be as social as possible because it's really good for me. And it makes me feel good and makes me happy. And that's kind of what life is about. It's about other people. It's about people. I mean, it's about a lot of things but I think one of the main things is about connecting with people. Like that's one of my favorite things in the whole world, you know? I assume you might agree. I think even introverts find that to be wonderful. I have a really hard time with not trusting my instincts when like I get maybe an off vibe from somebody and maybe I'm like, oh, I don't really like hanging out with them. I don't really know why but I just don't. I have a really hard time with that and I feel a lot of guilt and shame about that and I'll often make plans with people that I may be getting off vibe from. And then it'll actually cause me a lot of psychological distress. I'll dread the event. I'll get anxious after I hang out with these people because they give me a weird feeling. Perhaps like that's something I really struggle with. And when you're in a social phase of your life, exposing yourself to a lot of different types of people, there are gonna be instances where you have conversations with people that maybe give you a slightly off vibe. But maybe they don't get an off vibe from you and they're like, let's hang out. And you don't necessarily know why but you're like, I don't really want to. I don't really want to. But see, I feel really bad about that. Really bad about that. And that's something that I'm trying to figure out. And I know deep down that there's nothing wrong with just not vibing with somebody. Like that's totally fine. Somebody doesn't vibe with me. I hope that they don't hang out with me. Like that doesn't bother me. Like if I were to put myself in other people's shoes, right? And if I were to find out that say somebody didn't want to hang out with me. Yeah, I mean, it's not the best feeling in the world, okay? But I can handle that. I don't want anyone to hang out with me unless they really want to. But I feel a lot of guilt and anxiety about maybe starting a friendship and then realizing, you know what? This just doesn't feel right. And then backing off. I feel guilty. I feel like I'm judging this person. Not like I'm not I'm saying this person, meaning like, that's what I say to myself in my head in that moment. Not saying that there's like one particular person that I'm talking about. Yeah, I feel like I'm being overly judgmental. But also too, I can get anxious about distancing myself from the person and then them in some way retaliating against me, getting upset, getting angry that I didn't follow through on the friendship and perhaps trying to like sabotage me or ruin my life. Or like which is ridiculous, but oh, see, I almost knocked on wood, but I'm trying not to do that anymore. because that only makes my OCD worse. 'Cause that-- My OCD gets very superstitious and I'm really trying to like not do that because it only just exacerbates it. So I almost just knocked on wood and you know what? I'm not doing it. But I think I'm not going to reach my full social potential until I'm not afraid of really standing in that boundary of like if I don't want to hang out with somebody, I'm not going to do it. It's no hard feelings in the vibe can be totally cool and cordial and wonderful if we bump into each other at a party or something, but like I don't need to be your bestie. I don't need to be everyone's bestie. I can't be everyone's bestie. And vice versa, not everyone needs to be my bestie. I don't need everyone to like me, you know? And I've accepted the reverse role, but I think I'm afraid of hurting people's feelings and then them like getting angry and trying to sabotage me or like if I maybe told them a vulnerable story, them like going and telling everyone, which is a risk. And again, that's another thing I need to work on. It's like, okay, well, I'm such a vulnerable person. Maybe I need to be more mindful about how much I divulge about myself and my feelings and my brain early on into a friendship or relationship because that only makes this anxiety worse. So I guess I thought that I didn't have social growth growing on, but I definitely do. Now that we've discussed it. Moving on to morals and values and goals. I actually will say, you know what, maybe this is the category of my life where I feel the most solid. In fact, I actually feel like I'm, I've never been more solid in this area in my life, but I think what's uncomfortable about that is not that I'm like confused about what my morals and values are, what my goals are, what my, what I maybe think my purpose is or whatever. I'm not uncomfortable in this area because it's unclear, but rather because, because it's so clear right now, because it's clearer than it's ever been, I'm looking back at my life and kind of picking it apart, right? Remembering so vividly times where I've not aligned with my ultimate morals, values, goals, purpose, self, you know what I mean? And it's more clear to me than ever the times in my life that I've maybe fucked up or I've done things that don't feel true to me or feel like a, what's the word? Not a divergence. Would it be divergence? Whatever. It's just, I'm kind of being haunted by everything I've ever done because it's so clear to me right now where I stand on these things. And I think that is something I'm working through because by the way, again, it's like Emma chill. It's so normal. We've all done shit that we now cringe at that we now are ashamed of that we now wish we didn't do like that is that is so normal. It's crazy. Like everybody on this fucking planet has experienced that feeling. I bet there's billions of people experiencing that right now. It's more common probably to experience that feeling than to not at any given moment. Like I feel like there's probably a 75% chance at any given moment that somebody's kind of cringing at their past or regretting their past or not even regretting, but feeling ashamed of something they did in their past or whatever. And that's who that's what makes us who we are today. I know all of this is true, but I think there's a recalibration happening for me in a way where it's like, okay, whoa, I'm feeling really solid in who I want to be, who I am. You know what it what matters to me? What's important to me? How I want to carry myself in this world. The blah, blah, blah, blah. This is also clear to me right now. So, so fucking crystal clear that then it's like I'm just feeling a bit haunted by who I've been prior, which again, it kind of goes hand in hand with the career crisis, if you will. Where it's like, I need to remember just because I'm cringing at it now. It doesn't mean that what I did was even that bad or cringe or embarrassing or whatever. It's more just that I've grown. It's a sign that I've grown, which I think is actually a beautiful thing. You know, being uncomfortable with what you've done before, what you've made, what you've whatever, not feeling satisfied with it is a sign that you're growing. And that's wonderful, but it's also uncomfortable. And I think it can be anxiety inducing as well. And so that's something I'm dealing with. Is that anxiety? You know, how do I accept that I haven't always been at the place that I'm at now? How do I accept that I was once not fully aligned with who I am now? You know? I think in the career category, it's even more complicated because it's like, I'm not stoked on what I've done in the past. I'm not feeling proud of it. And that's not just shit on it. It's just, again, it's like a personal discomfort, right? I don't want to continue making things like I've made in the past. Not saying that things are going to change in a way that are that is drastically different even necessarily, but I don't even know. I don't even know. I don't even know what it is. I don't even know what's next. I don't even know. So that's even more challenging because it's like, I don't even have anything to grasp onto in the current moment where I'm like, well, but at least I know what I'm doing next. And at least they feel really confident and inspired by that. I don't feel that way. Yeah, I don't. Because at least with the morals and values and purpose and goals category, I'm pretty aligned there. So it's like, I'm more cringing on my past because of how clear I am there. Whereas with the career, it's like, I'm cringing at the past. And I don't even know what the future is. God, when I know what the future is, I'll probably cringey even more of my past. Maybe not though. Maybe not though. Maybe I'll be so distracted by what I'm doing in the present moment that it'll sort of erase all shame and embarrassment about what I've made in the past. And then the last category is love in terms of like romance, I would say. And I did sort of just talk about this actually. So I won't get into it into too much detail. I think the last episode I made was about detachment, particularly in love and romance. The concept of detachment being, you know, being detached enough from a romantic interest in order to maintain a level of independence and in order to sort of protect yourself in a way, which is something that that's a skill that I think I've newly sharpened. You know, not having expectations in my dating life, right? And that's been really good. I will say in love, romance, dating, et cetera, I would say the area that I'm being forced to grow in interestingly enough is not what you would expect. Like love and romance and dating is, it's also complicated, right? But funny enough, I got one of the most challenging parts of it, sort of under control right now. And that is keeping a healthy level of detachment, right? Like detaching just enough to protect myself, right? And that's something I've struggled with as a young person. And I have really sorted that out. You would think that that would be something I'd be struggling with more. What I'm struggling with is being single for the first time and being sober. Okay, I've been sober for like a year and a half, maybe a little over a year and a half. I don't drink alcohol anymore. I don't smoke weed. I don't do mushrooms. I'm a sober girl. The only thing I got going on in my system is caffeine, which we love. And that is awesome. And I will continue to be consuming that. And also a little bit of nicotine here and there. Yep, have not, have not been able to fully quit that one. That one, that is going to be a lifelong journey for me. It seems, and I'm smiling only because I'm just disappointed in myself. But I also, you know what? Yeah, those are my, those are my substances. That's all that's running through these veins. Okay, I am sober. When I go out, I'm sober. When I'm on a date, I'm sober. When I'm, you know, talking to a boy, I'm, I'm sober. If I kiss a boy, I'm sober. Do you see what I'm saying? Like I have nothing to hide behind anymore. And you know what's really interesting is that I realized during this single era of mine that so many of my interactions with guys that I've been interested in. In the beginning, it's been through the lens of alcohol, you know, we're at a party. We're drunk, you know, we're talking. It's like we're vibing because we're drunk or we got, you know, we're loose, whatever we're relaxed. Just kiss, drunk. She got what I'm saying. And now it's like, whoa, I have to date sober, sober. And let me tell you, it has been really, really, really scary. Like if I see a cute guy, it's really tough for me. You know what I mean? Like I'm not going up and talking to them. Like they need to talk to me. Like I need somebody to like, I'm really struggling with that. And I will say, I think I'm getting through it. I'm slowly, but surely building my confidence, facing my fears. Like it's happening, but I will say that it's been really uncomfortable. I think we take for granted how easy, like how I don't think we realize how alcohol impacts how we date, how much easier it makes it to just have a conversation with somebody you find attractive, you know, like the walls that it breaks down immediately. You're just immediately disarmed. Everybody's sort of disarmed. Everybody's relaxed. It is so scary to do it sober. And I've been having to do all of this sober. And it is so uncomfortable. It has been so uncomfortable. But I'm really glad that I'm doing it because I think, you know, I'm actually learning how to date. on my own, you know, no help. And it's definitely, I think, going to eventually build my confidence to the point where I'm gonna be the like most suave mother fucker on the planet. But I think that's been a really uncomfortable thing for me, sort of just feeling like a turtle. Like I feel like I'm a turtle and every time somebody I think is cute comes around, it's like the head goes in. And again, I will say, I'm not gonna divulge too much detail but I do think I've improved. I've faced some pretty big fears and I'm feeling very good about it. But it doesn't mean that there hasn't been some embarrassing moments, you know, where it's like I'm clearly like nervous and I'm being awkward. And maybe it's not even necessarily noticeable to them, but it's noticeable to me. Ugh, but I'd have to get through it. I have to push through it because it is one of my goals to find a partner in my life. I want to love God damn it, you know, I do. So it's like I gotta push through it and it's uncomfortable, but it's growth. But that's something to think about is how much alcohol impacts dating. It's a really interesting rabbit hole to go down in your brain if you're somebody who drinks alcohol and you know, dates a lot. Like I think sober dating should become a vibe 'cause you know what I'm realizing? Actually, you know what? I wanna make a whole episode about that. I'm gonna stop while I'm ahead 'cause I have a lot of thoughts about sober dating. So we'll get into that another day. But it's safe to say I'm going through somewhat of a growth spurt in my life and it's making me a bit uncomfortable. But I feel really good about it. Even though it is uncomfortable, even though it is kind of painful, I think it's a normal healthy part of life. And for whatever reason it happens to kind of all be happening all at once. It seems like a lot of growth is happening all at once. But that just means that something beautiful is coming. And I share this story and I share where I'm at with you all to hopefully, you know, if you're feeling like this or you felt like this before or perhaps you're anticipating that you'll feel this way in the future. I don't know, I think there's something comforting about knowing that this is a very normal feeling. Uncertainty, instability, kind of feeling like something's on the precipice. Like all of this is so normal and we all feel it sometimes. And so I don't know, that's why I shared it with you. But I don't really have any key takeaways for you. So you can take away whatever you want. But I hope that you enjoyed this episode. And if you did, new episodes of anything goes every Thursday, we can hang out if you want to join me. Anything goes as anywhere you stream podcasts. I'm on the internet at Emma Chamberlain and my coffee company is Chamberlain Coffee. I love you all. I appreciate you all. Thank you all for hanging out with me. I love you and I'll talk to you next week. Goodbye. That was Sabrina Carpenter. Such a good song. Oh, such a good song. Goodbye. Means it. Okay, I can't sing too much. I also get copyrighted. Copyrighted. Okay, I love you.