Greg Fitzsimmons: Adam’s Rock Bottom & The Last Time Greg Saw Norm Macdonald

In this episode Fittsdog, Greg Fitts Simmons joins us and news with Alicia Kraus as well, right after this. Bet online. Hey, it's Adam Corolla from the Adam Corolla show football season is here and bet online is where the action lives. Competitive odds, spreads, totals, player props and same game parlays. Lie betting keeps you in it from the opening drive to the final whistle and when the clock runs out hundreds of slots, table games and live dealers while they're waiting. Enjoy the freedom of online gaming where the action moves with you and every moment is yours. Visit bet online today and discover where the action never stops. Hello and welcome to Pluto foe. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto TV. We're all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer law. Catch anchor man, the legend of Ron Burgundy. Fantastic. The Matrix trilogy. Welcome to the real world. Mean Girls. Side up. I'm the king of the world. And so much more for show times, press nothing. They're free 24/7. That is so affectionate. On Pluto TV, stream now, pay never. From Corolla One Studios in Glendale, California, this is the Adam Corolla show. Adam's guest today. Greg Fitzsimmons. Plus the news with Alicia Krause. And now, Adam Corolla. Yeah, get it on. Got to get it on the choice for getting a mandate. You get it on. Thanks for tuning in. Thanks for having a frame. I love that about you. Fitzdog in studio. Fitzdog's got dates. He's a very skilled veteran comedian. So if you want to see how it's done, you go watch him in Fairbanks, Alaska. Oh, that's cool. That's coming up into this month in October. And this week. I should say this week and this month. Also Illinois, Toronto. If you go to Fitzdog.com, you can find all the dates. Yeah, don't do what I did in Alaska, which is announced to the partisan crowd that I've been living off fresh caught salmon for the last week out here. And it tastes exactly the same as the frozen stuff at Trader Joe's. Oh, that was a big, that was a big pose. Oh, no, no. That was a mistake. Yeah. Yeah. They turned that crowd. I turn them on me quick. They gave me salmon every fucking day. And then they sent me on the road with the smoke salmon in packages. So many I could not, I left some in the hotel room. I hope they're not listening. But it was like pounds and pounds of salmon. Yeah. They're crazy. It's like your Kodiak bear or something. Like what if you didn't like salmon? You know, and actually kind of it was funny. It's funny because you and I are comedians. And we say shit all the time. And oftentimes don't realize how it's affecting other people who don't have the same sense of humor. And I realize, like, and also I realize, I'm really straight when I say stuff. Like when I said to the couple, me and my wife took out the dinner 15 years ago, look, this is about your engagement. We're here to celebrate you order whatever you want. I'm paying, but anything extra goes home with me. I realize when I got to my fridge the next day and my, that I had an extra pork chop in it, they believe me. You know, I'm sorry. And I was, I was two things. I was sitting in this room right behind me. Yeah. And like it was over the weekend or something and Ed God bless him. But he's not a comedian. He works. He does AV stuff. He came in and he goes, guess who, guess who's house? I'm going to, I'm going to wire for speakers and I go, who? And he goes, Steve Martin, I go, who's that? I guess Steve Martin. I don't know that. You don't know Steve Martin. I'm sure there's a ton of guys named Steve Martin. Steve Martin. I don't know who that is. She's like, yeah, I don't know the jerk or something. I don't, you don't have to get rude. I don't know what that is. I don't know who the guy is. And he pulls out a picture and he goes, Steve Martin. And I go, I, I don't think I've seen this guy before. Yeah. And he's like, you don't know who Steve Martin is. I go, no, I don't know Steve Martin is. And it's going on for like 10 minutes. And I realize I was just so straight that he just walked away going, it's guy just comedy. 30 years in the sound. Doesn't know. Once you got him on the hook, knowing that, oh, this is going to be a good long fight. I'm not giving in. He stay, I made fun of him and for the other guys watching football the other day. And he stands by his, he stands by it. And I'm like, listen, it's not clinically possible for me not to know who Steve Martin is considering my age where I live in the business I'm in. It's physically impossible. Right. Right. But anyway. So. And yet a lot of people don't know me still fits dog. Fits dog. No, everyone knows fits dog. Everyone knows comedy. So I went, I was in Alaska eating salmon for one week. And I literally came home on a Sunday in a, in a hurry, just to make Mark Garibus's daughter tenies wedding that was in their backyard. Yeah. Which is rich man poor man. By the way, because my sister got married and my grandparents backyard. But that's poor. That's poor man. It's going to get a limit the size of the way. Rich man is, Garibus is backyard. Yeah. You can have a best man. He got a maid of honor. So three other people. I said, I said to, uh, Garibus's wife, I go, uh, what are we doing for, for eaten? And she goes, we got a beautiful salmon, whatever. And I went, I've been beaten salmon for ten straight days. And the look on her face was like, I ruined the wedding for her. Like she was affected by it. Yeah. She felt bad. She felt, God bless her. But she felt bad. Well, you remember, I told the story last time I went probably a year ago. And I was up there. And I said, I want to do something fun during the day. And so they, uh, they had a guy take me out on an adventure. The cop bus. Got pulled by cop. Yeah. Plant the drugs on me. Yeah. And so I don't know what happens now because I told that story on this show. And it got back to them. Uh-huh. And so they feel like they got to cook something up. No, they got to top themselves. But I'm aware. I'm looking for it now. Head on a swivel. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. In the, in the practical joke, annals. I mean, you got to go, you got to go to Jimmy Kimmel. And the thing about a practical joke is, you know, it's one thing to go, Hey, um, Adam, did you, I talked to Melania Trump and she wants to leave Donald Trump and marry you. I just go, yeah, okay, that was not gonna happen. But I mean, I'm, I'm not buying into the premise of your practical joke. But the best practical jokes are the ones where the tables already set a little bit. Like the greatest joke he ever, Jimmy did to me is Natalie Maine from the Dixie chicks being in love with me. But Natalie Maine's from the Dixie chicks did invite me to the Grammys to be her date. Yeah. So once that table was set, then Jimmy could take over. Right. But I wouldn't have bought it if it was in a vacuum. I needed that. And Jimmy's, when one of his best practical jokes on someone else is when, and I've told this, I'll be fat. But he and I were just sitting at Carnie's hot dogs a million years ago, just sitting out on the patio on Ventura Boulevard. It's a place that has the train. Great dogs. I'm just sitting there. And, and a car just went speeding past down Ventura Boulevard and the dude was just on the horn. The entire time. It's like a big Cadillac behind like a green Honda solstice or something. It was like a weird car. And I just looked up and I go, that's Mark Davidson in that green Honda solstice. And I don't know who was in the Cadillac behind him. But later on when Jimmy called him is the angry black man in the Cadillac from Ventura Boulevard who knew where he lives now. And it's going to hunt him down. It worked on Mark perfectly because who else, who could know this? Who could possibly know this unless Kimmel was sitting at the Carnies and Corolla went, that's Mark Davidson right there. And the guy was leaning on the horn all the time. He just called him his angry black guy, who got his address from the DMV and was coming after him. And Mark was, Mark was clinically going insane for weeks. Yeah, I took my friend. I have a friend who's blind, blind Rita is her name. And I don't know which came first. But I picked her up at her job and then she gets in the car and she goes, wow, this sounds cool. What kind of car is this? And I go, oh, it's a Maserati. And she goes, look at you. I guess you're doing pretty good. I go, you kid me. We're going to we're going to Yama. What's the fame she please? Yama Shiro, whatever. We're going to Yama Shiro. I take her to this sushi place on Ventura. Just some fucking mediocre sushi place. - And you're Mustang. - She's like, "This is so good." I can't, what's this cost? I go, "Don't worry about what it costs." I got it blind, Rita. (laughing) - Maserati, I had a guy, God, it was so sad. I did a gig, I don't know, in Orange County, whatever, over the weekend. And a young guy was like enthusiastic. And he worked at the Country Club or wherever I was at. It came up to me. And he said, "Hey, man, you're a car guy, right?" He'll go, "Yeah, yeah, I'm a car guy." And he goes, "What do you think of Alfa Romeo's?" And I go, "Oh, Alfa Romeo's great. Old Alfa Romeo, like vintage Alfa Romeo's are cool. Like, 6970, whatever, GTA, GTV's, those are great. Old Alfa's bitch and new junk." I wouldn't go near him and he goes, "Well, I got a new Alfa." (laughing) "Yeah, but in the, about I say junk?" I mean, I'll tell you, you'll be the only one driving a new Alfa when you go to Carson Cove. I should have checked. I thought he was asking what to do, not that he'd already did it. - Right. - So, I guess when you say to people, "What do you think of?" You should start with, "I got a new Alfa Romeo." What do you think of it, which case I'd say they're awesome. But you can't just go, "What do you think of?" - Yeah. So, all right, so this happened. So, tell me, riddle me this, Batman. That's a weird one, right? So, I did a show on Thursday night and when I was driving home or when I was on stage, I got a text from Jason Reitman, the director writer, up in the air, I think, thank you for smoking. I don't know what else Andrew, that's it. Lots of movies, Juno. - Son of Ivan Reitman? Right. "Nicest Guy in the World," Go Spusters, "Afterb Life." "Nicest Guy." Ivan was not the nicest guy but he is the nicest guy. Now, I don't really, I'm the best guy in the world to yell at because all I had my whole life was football coaches and construction foreman and that's all they did was yell at you. I don't care. I realize other people can't handle it. Like, they're literally like kids now. Like, I mean, I talked to guys who are in high school. Like, hey, pretty good ball player. You're playing your senior year, and they're like, now, why not, that coaches mean? I don't need that shit. Like, what do you mean? I just talk to my daughters that I'm not playing volleyball. I don't like the, I go, all coaches are mean. That's who they are, they're mean. They're supposed to be mean. They're like, nah, I'm not, I'm not putting up with that shit. It's like, what's shit? You're a kid, he's a coach, a yell at the kid. That's what they do. Nah, I'm not down for that. Like, everyone feels so fucking good about themselves now that they can't have a 40 something or a guy with like salt and pepper in his hair, fucking tell them they're doing it wrong. That's why I'm glad the roaster back because you can lay into people and some people can't handle it. They go, I'm never doing a roast again. I'm like, why, you don't want to know who you are? It's like you're going to yours the therapy. You sit there and they go, you know, Greg, you look like an old man with cancer. Well, I didn't realize that. Yeah, right. Yeah, no. But everybody said roasted. Get roasted. I didn't even know I love sucking Jimmy's dick. Yes, you do. But I didn't know that I loved it as much as I did until I got involved with the roast. Did you think he liked it? I thought I was like, come see, come saw. You know, like I was sort of, I wasn't in love with it, but evidently, if I ever do a roast, I'm informed how much I love sucking Jimmy's cock, you know, which I, again, unaware of it. Does he enjoy it as much as you do? Jesus, he keeps coming back for more. So I guess like any restaurant where you have a Pete business, you must be doing the pasta pretty well. Well, you couldn't be doing it that well if there wasn't passion behind it. You can't fake that. I don't know. I don't know. He's a straight guy. Yeah. So Ivan was, you know, when Jimmy and I were riding a script for him, he would let us know in uncertain terms when we screwed up, you know, which I was fine with. But I don't know. Sometimes others don't take wealth to it, I guess. But he was a straightforward dude. And I liked him. And we had a good time with him. But we would go to his house in Montecito. We had a-- Nice. We had a-- on clay. I wouldn't call it a house. I'll put it to you this way. It has an amphitheater on the property. Now people have pools, and then others have tennis courts. Home theaters. Home theaters. This is an amphitheater. And his home theater was a separate building. It was a theater. With the 35 millimeter projector and everything they was putting in at the time, it's like 25 years ago. And I know exactly when it was now, because I-- so I'll circle back. So Jason Reitman just writes me a text, "Hey, is this your number, or is this-- do I got the right number for you, Adam?" I got a question for you, and I'm like, "Oh, okay." I'm like, "I always do that where I go." Like, "Oh, he wants to put me in his movie or something." No, no. They always want to borrow a car or something, you know, I got to shoot something. I need your car." Whatever it is. But he goes-- I called him up. And he goes, "A weird question. Do you own the Batman house?" I go, "The house in Pasadena," where they film Batman, like, the ex-deras-- for the TV show. And I go, "No." And he goes, "Oh, that's weird, because I just talked to my guy who finds these things out, and that's where he came back with. And he's real good." And I'm like, "No, no. I don't know. I wish I own that house. It's $15,000 square feet for sale." But I say-- Comes with a butler, too. It comes with Alfred. I said it, but in a weird coincidence, my realtor told me, like, two weeks ago, he goes, "I'm representing the Batman house. You want to come check it out?" Really? Yeah. And I'm like, "I said, well, so I said, Jason, good news and bad news. I don't own the house." But the good news is that I know the guy who's selling the house, and we can go look at the house. Check out the house for Wrightman's wife who was filming a movie who is Jack Nicholson's daughter, which I didn't know about. Really? Perfectly nice. Oh, girlfriend. Oh, I thought it was his wife, sorry. Oh, you can check, Andrew. I think--I thought he said wife when I was on the phone, but it doesn't matter. So, I said, well, Saturday, I actually got a gig in Pasadena. But during the day, and when I'm done, I could just call my realtor guy and say, "You want to meet--oh, if you guys want to come out and just meet up there, will this come out meet up there?" So, he's like, "Yeah, we'll do it." So, I was like, "All right, call my realtor," and met him, and Andrew came to because he's into it. And we took a tour of the Batman house. Wow. Me with my building and all my house restorations. And also, it's primed for me because I think the house was built in 1928. I restored a big house from 1928, so it's got a lot of stuff. I was pointing at some of the stuff, you know, you need to fix, or stuff that was cool, or stuff that was right, or something. But I was saying to Jason Wright, and he didn't know about this, but I was like, you know, I was at your house in Manacito, your parents' house, right after 9/11, because your mom came out. Over there with Ivan, me and Jimmy, were like, taking a tour, he owned the house above his house in Manacito, which is like the Shawvirance Sisters house, and that's where his offices were, which is kind of crazy. Now, that's a puny house. That's only a 17 million dollar house, you know. This one's got an amphitheater, you know. So, we're like, he's giving us a, you get a golf cart and go down the hill and go, you know, and there's the amphitheater and building the thing and taking us in tour. And his wife, who's still alive, came out and said, everybody I'd like to do like a prayer for the 9/11 victims or whatever it is. Ivan's wife. Ivan's wife. So, it had to be literally the day before, or two days before. Meanwhile, the Shawvirance Sisters jumping up and down the roof, having a party. She had a shoulder harness rocket lunch, or she was looking for a commercial aircraft that flew over the Santa Barbara area. So, no, the Shaw's Sisters house was literally like, do you like shag carpeting in your bathroom? Then this is the house for you. On the walls, good? Yeah. Put it on the walls. It all looked like a custom van from the 70s inside of there. So, his wife, I was telling this, Jason, I go, your mom called everyone in like the grounds keepers instead of the guys out with the rakes and then said, everyone, bring it in. And everyone got like a circle, like on the patio, and she's like set a prayer for 9/11. So, he's like that, didn't know that. I'm like, yeah, I guess, why would you, I guess, but, you know, he's off at college or something at the time or whatever. So, I said, yeah, man, that's a good house. He goes, yeah, my mom's older and we're getting ready to kind of move. her out of there and you know dad's gone and stuff and I've put it on the market or something like that and so later on we're taking the tour and Jason's girlfriend who's really into architecture and knows all this I mean you can tell she's like I said I used to live up Hollywood land hills she's like I love going up seeing the wolf slayer up there I'm like oh yeah I love that house and Madonna's house so I go yeah no I live that's right live I had houses a bit rebuilt so her and I are speaking the architectural language you know and then at some point she like looks mean she goes man you know all this stuff that's cool I mean Jason doesn't know how to do all this stuff you know I said I watch some videos you can get into it you know I'm sick yeah he's not into this stuff like you're into this stuff and I was like yeah this is true but my if my in-laws had had a hundred million dollar house were you're in-laws have a house I'd probably just be happy with that now my in-laws had a house in recita that was 1200 square feet and needed a roof and I had to pay for it and then few years later I paid for the funeral of of the dad so that the house in Monacito's definitely better than whatever meek or carpenter skills yeah right in terms of what you hope for in the in-law department yeah acreage in Monacito I think is well I think that's a positive it's a positive thing I don't think Jack is living in a studio into Luke a lake either Jack Nicholson that's that's a fair point yeah and I all uh yeah I do think like you people need to be separated because you're both good right yeah it's like breaking up the Yankees in the 30s yeah yeah split this up we're gonna split it up go find some poor guys good looking works at home people Jason you can find some wherever your next hot barista is at Starbucks well it works both ways they're both great by the way they're both super nice and they know a lot of us and we took a long tour and had a good talk but I just kept thinking it's always been my dream to know somebody who had something yeah like like I don't know why it's the whenever I hear the story of like um oh we're going down to Palm Springs oh what's in palms oh Jenny's parents had a place and whatever 20 you know Palm Springs and they passed so we have the place or you know I always go oh yeah right I wish the cabin and wherever that the cabin by the lake somewhere that the dad had a million years ago and he's gone now but you got the place in Wyoming now so you can go there like I always I'm so jealous of that well we just came from New York I got back yesterday and my my wife's stepdad passed and here's the inheritance from that one it's a one bedroom on 87th street and when my son stayed over there recently the plaster from the ceiling fell on him on the couch while he was sleeping but it's got to be better okay what do you think that place is worth though he pays it's rank control and he pays $475 a month on the upper west side of Manhattan and when he dies how's it work I'd everyone's anglin on that one right there was a lot of people at that memorial that were like we're now he's paying four he's paying under $500 for a place that would rent for what six grand yeah yeah but the reason a plaster's falling because the guy owns the building is like I'm not going to fucking put money into this shit he wouldn't fix anything right which is what you get and you know a New York City have you lived in New York City no well basically all the heaters are radiators and they you know the the how the boiler is down the basement right shoots the heat up and so it's you and you for some reason never could you regulate the amount of heat coming through right it's just like having a furnace in your apartment and it's either off in your freezing or it's on and you've got your windows open right and his was on all the time his windows were I mean January his windows are right oh yeah so yeah I got I'll tell you what I got let's see grand total in-laws nothing they passed zero and then my mom passed but that all went to my step dad so zero there oh and then and then my dad passed and I went to step mom so zero oh you got stepped out I got stepped on oh I got stepped out yeah solid two or three figures you were looking at two right well you got now my mom's a shrewd business woman in a weird way you could call my mom a shrewd business woman because she lived in my grandparents junker ex-house rental house in north hollywood for free her whole life yeah and then when her when her when the grandfather died and her mom died when her parents died she sold the junker house and moved into their house and another part in north hollywood okay so she's always been living right free rent free and then she died so now my step dad has the house so that was that now my family so weird no funerals no graves no earns just gone just gone dust in the wind call it dust in the wind that's gone no meeting no lunch no discussion yeah just gone and so both my step parents have whatever there was but that's the bad news the good news is they didn't have anything and both step parents earned it because they were married to these two people who didn't do anything right so they deserve all they should could get and I'm rich so it doesn't really matter but my my sister you know she's the one who really kind of got it because she she didn't get anything when she was born and and and now everyone's gone and she's still in getting anything but I'll tell you one thing about she's not rich no but I'll she's fine it's not she'd like something left you know I I'll tell you I have a I have a saying which is disappointers never disappoint which is my both my parents were disappointers and if they died and somebody went turns out your dad had socked away one million dollars with your name on it my head would have exploded the point is is he died when and get an end table yeah you know I mean but by the point is his disappointers never disappoint they're always there late people are always late yeah cheat people are always cheap you know like whoever the whatever that trade is people don't surprise they never surprise right to the grave they just died and I got a Tony Bennett CD actually oh that's not bad I know but the problem was I it was it was autographed to me and I was like my dad got a Tony Bennett CD and it got Tony Bennett to autograph it to me and it turned out Tony Bennett gave me that thing in 2000 and I gave it to my dad so I got back with my Tony Bennett CD oh that's great so that's not even that's a push yeah I mean that's not even a victory that's just the returning of a Tony Bennett CD yeah yeah it was on loan I my dad died a long time ago he was only 53 so I inherited his golf clubs and I was it and to this day well his stuff he had some money it went to your mom yeah my mom's got it is your mom still with us she is okay now when she goes there'll be something right yeah there'll be something I mean my hope is that she spends it I wanted to enjoy her life but you lives in a house little condo in Florida all right well who do you got to whack it up with my brother and sister he got two people yeah how are they they're good oh how are they financially and spiritually they're they're good I mean we're very close my family's very close and I think that you know when people start fucking with the wills and different people get different amounts it can cause I mean here's your legacy now your children don't speak yeah and I know people that are in that situation yeah and I mean down to the details if you got jewelry fucking you you you can do the system where you go each person gets to go in the house and come out with one thing then the next person goes in comes out with one thing or you put post notes and you you'd - I started noticing when my grandparents died. I would notice when I'd go to my sister's house, I'd see a pot. And I'm like, that was a pot from grandpa's house and then I started seeing things around the house. Now, to be fair, my sister got the short end and the stick in life and she not rich and who gives a fuck about pots. I mean, my thing is just take it all. - Yeah. - Probably could have had a discussion, but I don't care. - I think sentimental. Besides the Tony Bennett CD. - My dad did not own. I suppose I could get the trumpet back that I bought him. It was a fairly expensive trumpet. - Yeah. - But that'd be another reclaiming of an item that I'd already dropped off. No, my dad didn't own anything or have anything or collect anything or I was unaware. He didn't have golf clubs or anything important. My dad had less stuff than any person you've ever met who made it to his age. He didn't have like a tool. He didn't have like a socket set in his garage or something, he didn't have anything. I'd probably at least a car that went back. I don't, my dad and my mom are, I think, the only people who you know who, if they died, when they died and if someone went, you wanna go through the house and see, there's something you wanna get out of, I'd just go, nah, I know it's in there, there's a sweater. There's sweatpants. I could get my dad's sweatpants. - You'd have to get new elastic on the waistband. Those are dried out. - He'd have like, it could be like a bridge, like maybe some dental work, like in a cup. - You can make them into, you can make them into chattering teeth. - I guess there's things like, you know, it's not like he ran out of deodorant the day he died. There's probably some deodorant that can, there's probably some toothpaste. Maybe some flour, salt, you know, things like that. - I mean, shoes do not, you know. - Wrong size though. - Oh, okay. My wife's aunt, Ann Jo, in the Bronx. She was born in this house in the Bronx, picture Archie Bunker's house. - Right. - And it was literally my mom and my wife's mom grew up in the same neighborhood in the Bronx, and they went to the same school. It just totally happened. - Wow. - So my aunt Jo was born in that house, physically born in that house, and lived in it to the age of 93 and never lived anywhere else, never got married. - Wow. - She was a nurse, retired at whatever, 65, and everybody just assumed, right, Jo's got the house. She's fucking broke. So she dies, and my wife and her brother, inherent, would turn down to me a lot of fucking money. - Well, yeah, I mean, my dad's, brother Mario did the same thing in South Philly, turned out to be not so much money in South Philly, but when my grandma and grandpa died, and my mom was living in their junker in North Hollywood that they bought for $10,000, it was probably myself. I don't know what the mortgage is on a $10,000 house. And by the way, they bought it in 1952 and they died in 2010 or something, there's no money left. My mom had $675,000 cash. - Your mom did? - Well, because she waited until her parents died, and then she sold the junker house in Valley Village, and they took it down. They just bought the land. They bought the lot. She, they took the house down. - And there's no capital gains tax or anything at that point, where do you've had it that long? - I don't, I don't know. Whatever it is, it's free money, and it's a, it's a lot of cash, and then the house they moved in. These are junker houses that are $1.7 million, like that's the time we're living in. I am eight. - It is so confusing, trying to figure out which fricking supplements actually work and how many to take. With IMA, my life has become so much easier. IMA is a way to simplify your supplement routine once and for all. 16 supplements replace 19 ingredients across nine major organ systems in one drink. 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To let them know we sent you, don't forget, there's no safe, like SimplySafe. - It's crazy. - What's gonna happen when this San Andreas fault Earthquake happens though? How much is real estate gonna go down in Los Angeles? I mean, you believe it's coming soon? The big one? - The big one. It happens every 150 years. It's been a couple hundred years. - I was just kinda going over it. It's been 30, like since the 94. - And that wasn't considered as big as ones that have happened in the past. - No, no, I was here for 71. I've been here for all of them. All, by the way, I was thinking about this, 'cause I was walking through looking at all the construction going on with Malibu and Palisades and sort of everything. These houses that are built now have so many straps and so much steel and sheer wall, like they are built like bunkers now. And everything has a strap. Everything has a big Simpson strap and clips and hold downs. There's so much metal, steel and everything. And it's all for earthquake. It's all earthquake. There's no hurricanes, tornadoes, it's earthquake. It's earthquake. The house I was in, can you find my mom's house, a picture of my mom's house, the green one, whatever. The house I was in for the 71 earthquake, I was six or whatever it was, was built in like 1879. - Seriously? - Yeah, oh yeah, yeah, oh no. I grew up in a house built in the 1890 or something. I grew up in a hundred year old house back then. My house was so fucking old. Well, first off, it was old, but it has two front doors, two right next to each other. - One for black people, one for white people. - Yeah, well, poor racers, but yeah. - Yeah, no, once the guy's dentist office and the others, you go in and say, guys, house, right? - I had a dentist like that. - Like two doors, where's that house? We gotta have it somewhere. It's in our archive somewhere. It was a hundred, okay, that house had no steel and no earthquake, no nothing. It's two by fours, just toenailed. There's no screws, there's no straps. The foundation's not bolted. It's just pile of wood. and sitting on top of rocks, basically, and sailed right through the 71 earthquake. Nothing happened to it. And the house I was in for the 94 earthquake, yeah, there it is, two front doors. The house that I was in, yeah, old 800 square feet of it, that's the entire house. The 94 earthquake, I was renting a ranch style house in La Crescena with two dudes. And that was built in the 50s. And that didn't have a strap, 'cause I used to do earthquake rehab work. This stuff didn't exist. They nailed houses together. - Yeah. - There was no shear wall. There's no screws, there's no holdouts, there's no straps, there's no bolting, there's nothing. And they just went right through both big earthquakes, nothing happened, like dishes fell out of the shelves or whatever, that's it. So whenever they do the, we gotta have this, we gotta have the straps, we gotta have the holdouts, we gotta have the shear wall, and I go, why? And they go, we're an earthquake country, I go, we're the fuck with this house. This house moved to Wyoming during the earthquake and then came back, it's all every house, every house in Pasadena, it's built in the teens, it's just earthquake, with no anything, then do anything. Now, what the house is all did was burn down. - Uh-huh. - That's, that's the house pipes all burst. - No, no, I mean, they burned in the Malibu fire and they burnt, that's 'cause the city didn't handle their shit, but that's not the house. So they make you rebuild a bunker for earthquakes, but it's not the earthquake that takes the house, it's the fire that takes the house down. - Is it true that the houses in the Hollywood Hills are built like in stone? And so during the earthquake, they didn't get the effects that Hollywood did in the West Side, yeah. - No, they just, they're built on granite. I mean, they're not built on stone, but the mountains don't have the liquid faction and stuff like that. So it's like the worst, the thing that hit the hardest in the earthquake in '94 was all along the LA River. And that's where the natural river bed was and that did it. The house in the Hills never get affected. 'Cause there's built on different. - 'Cause I'm in Dallas and they told me I'm in a liquefacation, so. - Yeah, well, the thing that was comical, the thing that was comical is the earthquake, I had my girlfriend who was a new, a new-ish girlfriend at the time. - You mean she was really young? - Yeah, she was like 11. - Uh-huh. - And at the time. - Yeah. - Now she's almost 21. - Well, that's a long time. - Time to move on. - So I had a new-ish girlfriend and she spent the night at my house in Locke and Yada, maybe for the first time. I don't know, maybe we're maybe, maybe to date in a few months, but she spent the night. - Uh-huh. - And she's from Minnesota. So she didn't know it from earthquakes. And she was pretty freaked out. And by the way, I looked it up the other day. The first, the big one, the two that hit the hardest were 71, that was like 16, 15 in the morning. I was asleep. And the other one, this one was like 415 in the morning. Everyone was asleep. Like you gotta get fucking freaked out while you're in bed, right? - You're still dark. - They'd never fucking hit it noon when you're standing around and you know what's going on, and you fucking, you, first you're dream, you start in corporate. Like what, am I in a rock tumbler or something? And then anyway, she's totally freaked out, right? So I go, listen, I've been through these. I'm from here. I used to do earthquake rehab for living, which I did. It's fine, it's fine, it's no big deal. She goes, what about, you know, my apartment? And I got, no, no, it's a book, fallen over, whatever, plate fell to the ground. It's nothing. I've been through a million, I've been through these, and I know how houses are built, and I've done earthquake rehabs fine. Her apartment's in Sherman Oaks, right by the river. And her fucking work was in Sherman Oaks on the Ventura Boulevard Raintree Cafe, where the Rainforest Cafe was right, where she was a waitress, was right by the river, too. Both buildings condemned. So now we're driving back to her apartment, and I'm going, don't worry about it. It's probably like a book, something fell over, it's no big deal. We show up, there's police tape. Like you can't go in, can't go in. So she's like, holy shit, I got to get my stuff. You can't go in, the buildings condemned. She's looking at me going, what thought you said, there was nothing, there was nothing. I was like, I didn't know the liquefaction and the river and everything. She goes, all right, I got to go to work then. I got to go to work, work's got police tape in front. You can't go in. Oh my God. That was the longest. Her whole life gone. The longest ride ever was back to my place and lock her center with her, just her arms folded, staring. You said there was nothing. You said it's going to be fine. I, so now we get back to my place. Which is now her place. She don't have work, and she doesn't have a home. And her piece of shit, Nissan car promptly blows a head gasket. And she has no money. And my work gets shut down, and I have no money. So now the two of us are just sitting in a back room in this house in La Crescena. And she goes, my mom is coming out from Minnesota. She's going to stay with me. And she already bought the plane ticket and everything. And she's coming out a couple days. And can she stay here on the sofa or something? I got two roommates, everyone's in the room. I'm like, yeah, I mean, Sherri got the plane ticket and stuff. Back when you didn't pick up your smartphone and do everything. You probably went down to the fucking airport and wrote the guy checked to get your plane ticket. So I go, yeah, OK, OK, yeah. And then I got a disease. Yes, there was a disease that was-- Boogie Boogie fever. And the-- yeah, I had to boogie down. Yeah, I went to the doctor. He told me I had to boogie down. I loved all those songs where they go out. I went to the doctor and the doctor said in the boogie blues, and I had to boogie down. I don't know this physician. As you board certified, really? I've seen a lot of it. I've talked to the doctor a lot. You never told me I need to boogie down. I went to a doctor and he gave me the news that I had a bad case of loving you. Yeah, it was a bad case. Robert Thomas, doctor, told you that. So you can look up. We've looked it up before Andrew. There was a disease associated with the earthquake. The earthquake unleashed a bunch of pollen or something, or what are spores or something. And I literally had open sores on my face. Is it valley fever? Oh, yeah, it was coquit-- you can pronounce it. But I had what looked like herpes all over my face. And my mouth was swollen and my face-- I had lesions on my face. And I literally was night sweats all night. I had no doctor. I had no money. I had no insurance. I had nothing. And her fucking car's broken down. It's parked in front of my house. I can't fix it. We don't have the money. And my work shut down. Her work shut down. There's no money. And two days later-- and all I'm doing is sweating through this fever. And I have the sores all over my face. And what was this thing called, Andrew? I can't even pronounce what this is. Your dad was a doctor. He can pronounce it. But can you tell me what this disease was? It was an actual disease. I didn't know what I had. But I did know I did not have a doctor or pharmacist or any money or anything. So I couldn't get ointment or pills or-- I didn't know-- I just slept. I just slept in a pomegranate and sweat. I just rode everything out. I think I have a great immune system now, because I never taken an antibiotic or anything. I just literally sweat it out. You got to-- can you pronounce this? Cuxiodoid mitosis. Right, which is valley fever, which was unleashed during the earthquake, right? Valley fever is on the lot floor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Our grandma's doctor told me I had that. So I'm like covered in sweat. And I have lesions all over my face. And I haven't slept in four days. And I'm running this temperature. And my girlfriend's car's broken down in front of our house. I have no money. She has no money. We have no job. And it's 1990. I have nothing. I'm not-- the career's not working. Not I got roommates. And it's like on the door. And I just open the front door. And it's her mom, like standing in the suitcase. And she just looks up at me and goes, what the fuck happened to you? And I'm like, I got some kind of disease or something. And she's like, you're my daughter's boyfriend? I go, yeah. What? What the fuck? I don't know what it is. I got some kind of disease or something. You're sleepin' with my daughter? - Yeah. - You're with my daughter? - Yeah. - Yeah. She goes, she goes, what the fuck is going on around here? I go, I just go, hey bitch. I don't have fucking time for this shit. You have no fucking idea what I'm dealing with. So you want to fucking put your fat ass on the so far, you can get the fuck out of here. Cause I'm not, I'm no fucking mood for this. I mean, no fucking mood. I have no fucking money. Your daughter's car's broken down. She has no fucking money. Your work's closed, her apartment's closed. My fucking work's closed, and I got nothing. - Every hotel is booked up in LA 'cause of the earthquake. She's got nowhere to go. - She don't have any fucking money either. - Yeah. - It was the greatest, it was a rock. It was a rock bottom moment for me. - She sure I'll move on the mother that weekend? - Oh, balls, she had the, she had the, she had the knife fever, she had the knife fever. I had literally bottomed out. I was like, I don't know what to do. The my career's not taken, I got nothing. I got lesions on my face. And I don't even know who to, I don't have a doctor. And I'm just gonna sit in my room with the door closed. And that was, that was in, I think it was in February of '94, I met Jimmy in April of '94. It was a millionaire, like a year later. It all, fucking just, all worked out. But I had bottomed the fuck out. - Damn. - I was done. It was nothing. I had no money, no insurance, bunch of roommates, shitties, zoo-zoo trooper, and-- - That's where you're driving? - Yeah, and a girlfriend with a blown head gasket on her Nissan. - What was the wardrobe like back then? - For me? - Yeah. I taught boxing for living and I was a carpenter for living back then. So it was always just a t-shirt and, you know, whatever, because that's how I worked. And I never went out anywhere. I never did anything. And I didn't have any money. So I didn't have a suit or, you know, it was always just fucking sweatpants and a t-shirt or something. I didn't have, first, I think the only time I bought a sport coat with Jimmy in New York, when we were there for the upfronts, for the man show. It was like the first, I'd like to compile a coffee table book at Jimmy Kimmel being wrong. You know, he goes to me. We're in New York, he goes, we're going up front somewhere. I go, yeah, he goes, what are you gonna wear? I go, I got this, like, short-sleeved button up, short-sleeved button up, this is the upfronts. You need a coat, you need a jacket. I go, it's the man show, Jimmy. He goes, yeah, but this is the upfronts. It's New York City, man. And you got to fucking go get a coat, you know, I go, oh, I don't have a blazer or anything. He goes, well, we got to go get you one. I go, oh, okay, we went down to some place, you know, Lloyd's of Beverly Hills and went in there and to fucking paid $500 first fucking tweet jacket or something. We showed up at the gig and we walked in and the comedy central people were there and they're like, what do you guys wearing jacks for? This is the man show. I just, I looked at Jimmy, it's like, fuck, great, I'm fucking $500. By the way, I had to wear that thing for the next five years 'cause I paid so much for it, I never owned one, but I think that was like my first jacket. And we're all the, what were the girls' names on the man show? The Juggies? We were the Juggies and Gowns. They were in ball gowns. Yeah, mm-hmm, they were-- And let us? Yeah, they were dressed like antebellum types, you know, like from old, old, old, old, old, old timey stuff. They could get into trouble the day for that, you know, but back then, it was like a sorority in the South. Jesus. Now, they were there. I think it was just me and Jimmy, maybe Daniel. It was also new, you know what I mean? Remember that? Remember when you were young and stuff? It was like, whoa, look at this place. New York City, everybody, holy shit. Like, I was like a kid, like, Jimmy would be like-- I was an adult, but I never left my house. I mean, I lived with poor people in North Hollywood. Jimmy's like, that's a sky porter. You got to tip that guy. He gets your bag and takes-- What's he doing with the bag? He takes the bag. But you got to give him $10. I'll take the bag and then I'm like, oh, OK. That's the sky. Pots a porter. I got to tip that guy. Look, I was like the fucking Beverly Hillbillish. No, I remember coming out to LA the first time I got-- I got a little development deal out of the commie-- the Montreal comedy fest, I'm like 29 years old. And I come out to LA and I rent a Mustang convertible. And there was this brand new Beastie Boys CD that was out I can't remember which one. And I was just top down, cranking the Beastie Boys, staying at fancy hotel in sunset. And I pulled to a stoplight and Artie Lang was there. And he goes, hey, I'm staying at the four seasons poker game tonight, Room 306. Wow. And so I bring a buddy and we go to Arties. And there's all these celebrities there. And we play poker. And he just kept emptying the mini fridge. And then they call Room Service. And they come refill the mini fridge. And we just get-- drink it all night. And then somebody had cocaine. And I was like, this is unbelievable. And I just remember leaving LA. And I was really looking out the plane window as we pulled away. And I was like, yeah, that's everything I dreamed. It would be the first time I came out here. Yeah, yeah. I've had a few mini fridge raids, parties. We've done, I can't remember where, but I am to this day scared to touch anything in a mini fridge. Yeah. Well, now if you move it, they charge it. Yes, yes, yes. So there's an earthquake. That's-- yeah, you're screwed. Yeah. So yeah, I haven't seen Artie in a while. Have you seen Artie in a while? Now I hear he's doing OK, though. I think he-- I don't know if he has his own podcast, but he's definitely going on podcasts. I feel like I saw him somewhere recently. I think he got nose reconstruction surgery. We should get Artie Lank. Everyone loves Artie. The greatest guy. And I really think maybe the best storyteller I've ever known in my life. He's great. He has total recall on the details. He knows if you said something a certain way, he'll remember the wording of a punch line in a story that happened. He is probably the funniest guy who probably got the least out of it in terms of I like to describe it this way. Now, we know who he is, and he made money, and he was on stern, and all that stuff. But what you do is in the car world, there's two kinds of horsepower. How much horsepower is that engine making at the crank, they'll say, or the flywheel? That's just sort of how much horsepower does that engine have? And maybe it has 500 horsepower. So you go, that's a lot of horsepower. But the real question is how much does it make to the rear wheels? And the rear wheels, it's always less, because it gets scrubbed off going through the transmission and through the differential and axles and stuff like that. But what you're looking for, it's never going to be, I got a 500 horsepower engine and 500 to the rear wheels. It'll never be, but it's a percentage. And you don't want that much scrubbed off. Something is wrong if you're scrubbing it off. So you go, I got a 500 horsepower engine, and I'm making 433 to the rear end, and you go, that's pretty good, that's your efficient racecar, whatever. And then there are guys that we know in this business that don't have a 500 horsepower engine, and somehow are getting a lot to the rear wheels. You know, you go, that guy's not that funny or that talented or that whatever, but he's getting a lot. - Oh, the wheels being how the career is going. - Yeah, I mean, that's what's usable. - Right. - Because you can't use what a 500 horsepower engine sitting at a crate or not attached to anything, it doesn't do anything. You can't propel the car. I know guys, and like Arty's one of them, who probably has a 1,000 horsepower engine, but 125 horsepower coming out the rear wheels, which is he's just never been able, and I know addiction is a big issue, obviously. But we all know those guys, where you go, that's the funniest, no, not the richest, not the most well known, not the most successful, but the funniest, you know, you go, that. And then you think about that and you go, well, that's pretty cool, but on the other hand, it's kind of a waste too, 'cause you go, so funny, why don't my kids know who he is? You know what I'm saying? - Right. I think Colin Quinn is like that. I think Colin is one of the funniest human, like every single comic in New York, 'cause he doesn't really come out of here at all, but every comic in New York looks at David Tellan, Colin Quinn is like, yeah, they're the best, they're the best to do it. - Right, but Dame Coke has out-earned them 10-fold. - Yes. - Right, or whatever. - Norm McDonald is another example. - Yeah, but Norm, yes. Norm is, and I agree with that, but Norm did get the rear wheels turned in. - I feel like he didn't want to be speeding. I think he was going as fast as he wanted to. - Yes, yeah, yeah, I agree with that. So I don't look at Norm sort of that way, 'Cause we all. You can pick up your phone and look at 100 hours of norm flips of him being super funny and doing lettermen and all that kind of stuff. And yeah, I think not everyone wants to be on a drag strip. Some people just want to take a cruise, you know what I mean? Like, that's who they are, and they don't want all that. There's a new documentary about norm. I'm not sure if it's actually going to be. I saw it. Yeah. How is it? It's great. Yeah. Juddapita. Yeah, it has to be great. Yeah. Because it's norm, and then it's Juddapita doing it. Yeah. Yeah. So how could it not be? Right. Great. And also, I mean, it has to be a great doc, because it's just two hours of norm telling jokes and people talking about and stuff like that. Yeah, it's really good. Yeah. Yeah, I would look forward to that. Yeah. And that's when I feel like I've seen everything by norm and then you turn it and then you look them up on the internet and you find four more clips you've never seen before. And or you'll just watch a best of like listening to a great Beatles song for the 500 times. So what? Yeah. Good. When I was 12, it's still good now. He came in. I do this benefit every year for best buddies, and I asked Norm to do it one year. And you never know if he's going to show. Yeah. And when you invite him, it's like it's 50/50 at best. Yeah. So he shows up and best buddies helps people with intellectual disabilities. And one of the comics on the show is this kid that I kind of mentor. And I helped him learn how to do stand up and he goes on and he does it every year and he fucking crushes. He's artistic. What do we, how? Like, I'm sorry. What grade would we give him? Like, I mean, there's people that are completely unfunctional. Yes. And then there are people that you kind of go, kind of seems a little off, but I'm not sure what. A very little eye contact, no social cues, needs to calm himself. Like he's learned how to like ground himself when he starts spinning out because his mind can spin out. And I'll go in the next room and he'll sit and look at something on his phone. And then, but he comes out and his father helps him write the material. And he comes out on stage and he does 10 minutes. Ten minutes of how wide his dad's cock is material. Well, his dad's writing the material. My mom is so sexually satisfied. And how wide is it? And he does really else. Anyway, Norm comes back there and Joe Rogan is on the show. And Norm didn't use to smoke much pot, but Joe breaks out a blunt like a big fucking street corner. Yeah. Um. He was before Norm died. Hmm. Yeah. Before the day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. And so Joe starts smoking the blunt and then he gives it to Norm. And Norm starts smoking it like it's Bill Cosby with a cigar. Right. Just keeps taking drags. He doesn't give a shit. And then the comedian, Chris Tenney comes in and Norm starts talking to him like, oh, this is going to be fucking bad. Right. And Norm like locks in with this kid. And the kid is looking Norm right in the eye. And there's this kind of magic thing that's happens where Norm just starts asking him deep questions. And he's hanging on the guys every word like he's just, this is just like some kind of euphoric moment for him. Yeah. Yeah. And it was beautiful. And then Norm went out on stage and would do the first half of a joke. And then just laugh at himself and then yander and he bombed. And it was the last time I ever saw him perform. Oh, but at least you got a great story. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I, the getting high and walking out on stage. Oh. I don't know about that, man. Yeah. I mean, I get a shot and a beer to take the edge off, but the getting high. I remember once I was doing a benefit, I think it was for Ariana. Oh, wait, Huffington. You did a benefit for Ariana Huffington? It was a million years ago. It was like pet rescue or something. I don't remember where it was, but we were, it was at the improv. And on Melrose. And it was all full of comedians and people and whatever. And it's a long time ago. And so I was like, I'm not really comedian. I don't really have an act back then. So I was like, so Bill Maher was like, well, look, I'll tell you what, you don't really stand up, but why don't we do this? We'll just do love line. I'll be Dr. Drew and you be on Chrome. Let's go up there and take questions. And I go, oh, okay. But it's a really good, it's a room of really good comedians are all doing a real tight like 10 minutes and crushing, you know. So I'm starting to get a little nervous. Like, I don't know how this is going to work. There's a stand there. So I go to Bill. I go, don't you think we should work it out a little or try to figure out what we're doing here before we walk out on stage and he goes, yeah, it's a good idea. We should do that. It's so loud in there. I go, we're going on in like two acts or something. He goes, well, we go outside, we've got front hammer this thing out, figured out, get our beads down. We'll come back. We'll do it that way. I go, oh, okay, yeah, good. Let's do that. We go out, we walk down the sidewalk. We go the corner. He likes to put joint, smokes have to join puts it out because all right, you're going to go back in. I go, okay, we didn't talk about anything and now you're high. That's all we got. That's what this was. That's amazing. I think that would be the opposite state that I want to be in for standup comedy. No control, lost, untethered, you know, you remember the story of Doc Ellis? Yeah, sure. The picture. The picture who took acid the night before. Didn't know he was pitching. Didn't know he was on the mound the next day. The starter was injured. They call him up. They hand him the ball and he walks out. And I guess he'd taken the acid at like four o'clock in the morning. This was a day game. An acid lasts a long time. You take enough of it. Yes. And he went out and he just started throwing fastballs. And he said he didn't see anything except a giant catchers mitt. Yeah. And nobody talked to him between innings. He was in the dugout. Mm hmm. And did he threw a no hitter, right? I think that was the story. So any kids listening should know. Yeah, he threw a no hitter. Right. But the reason people bring up the Doc Ellis story is because it happened one time. One time and one time only. Most of the time you just get high and drive your car for a bridge. Yeah. And that's most that's most the stories. Like there is a version where you get fucked up and hits the stage and jam like a jazz musician from the 50s or something. That's once in a while. Well, you got Chappelle. Chappelle. I believe gets high every time he goes on stage. Really? And that seems to work for him. But it's weird. I mean, I know a bunch of, I mean, look at Seth Rogan. Like that guy's high all the time. He manages to be one of the busiest actor producers in Hollywood. I, you know, here's what I would say to a young person. I would go, it can work for certain people, but it's probably not going to work for you. Most likely not going to work. So why don't we just not get high and go on stage? I feel like it's weird in this country that you call somebody stupid or you're a moron or that guy's an idiot. And yet we go out at night at a time when you want to be on top of your game. You want to talk to women. You want to be fun with your friends and we dumb ourselves down. We swap pot. We drink booze. You lose IQ points. Yes. It's interesting. Yeah. I never really thought of it that way, but it's a good, it's an interesting perspective. Like it's a good premise for, for a bit. I've tried to do it on stage and guess what happens? The crowd bums out because they're all drinking and they're all high. Yeah, I know. And they don't like it. I know. I, I've learned, I learned that about all my good, my mom hated me jokes. Yeah. All pumped, the crowd gets so pumped out. They just go, oh, I was sure like I, I, it was true. My, my mom is not buried. My, I had no idea what happened to my mom. This is a true story, but I told this joke and everyone goes, oh, I know. So I said to my stepdad, I did about a month later. I just go, where'd mom go? Like where? Because there's no heads down. There's no plot. Yeah. I don't know where she is. She goes, she donated everybody to UCLA medical. So they got her. I go, what were they studying? Mom's never loved their son. And the whole audience goes, oh. They always go, oh, I got it. Fuck yeah. I did a joke last week where I go, yeah, I quit drinking. And I go, I go, I go, why are you booing me? I go, do you realize that I was in a bad place and this has helped me? I ran, I was drunk. I ran a kid over and the kid was crippled. Well, not before I hit him. And the place fucking, oh, yeah, it was bad. Yeah, I know. You just learn, it's kind of fun. Yeah. I mean, there's the jokes you like, the jokes. I always, the one that always, uh, everyone. hates is my Tony Orlando and Don tie yellow ribbon one ago. I'll make it fast because I've said it too many times, but it's like he's a prisoner. He was in jail for a long time. He got out and he didn't know if his true love was still going to be there waiting for him. And if he did, she should put a ribbon around the tree. And he got there and there's a hundred yellow ribbons around. But what no one knows is why that guy was in jail. He raped a nine-year-old. Everyone just goes, "Oh!" Now, Fitzdogg, if the audience was comprised of Fitzdogg, I could do all my Tony Orlando rapist jokes and all my fucking sad mom jokes. And you'd be laughing, right? And all white. I do all my white sham and socks jokes. I could do it all. If you were the audience. Well, that is, I think that's what I do in clubs is I'm looking at the comedy story, you know, in the original room that back row of seats is just comedians. Yes. And I'm working 90% and I'm working for that row. Yes. Fitzdogg's got dates. I will give those dates at the end of the show. You can go to Fitzdogg.com for all the live dates. Great stand-up. Good talking to my brother. Thanks Adam. Always a pleasure. God bless, Paul Bryan. Oh, God bless. Back with news and Alicia Kraus right after this. Oh, Riley auto parts. Yeah, man. You guys know O'Reilly. What business are they in? Well, they're in the business of keeping your car on the road. They're friendly. They're knowledgeable. They're parts people. Maintenance, repair. Always. Go to O'Reilly. They've got thousands of parts. So you never have to worry if you're in a jam. The team at O'Reilly auto parts can test your battery for free, either in the car or outside of the car. And if it needs to be replaced, well, they'll help you find the right battery for your vehicle because they all got different ones these days. I know what I'm doing with cars. But if there's an obvious, I would send that guy because O'Reilly is the perfect place to start. The professional parts people and you can stop by. They've got a lot of stores or you want to check them out online. You can do that. But I recommend the store. I like to smell people are friendly. It's O'Reilly, right Dawson? Stop by O'Reilly auto parts today or visit us at O'Reilly Auto dot com slash Adam. That's O'Reilly Auto dot com slash Adam instant hydration. 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For a better way to stay hydrated, go to instanthydration.com slash Adam Corolla and use promo code Adam Corolla for over 40% off your first subscription order. It's instant hydration's best available offer. That's instant hydration.com slash Adam Corolla promo code Adam Corolla. It's time to check Adam's voicemail. Adam Corolla. Simon from London here. They say you should never meet your heroes. I've met you and you were a fucking delight. And you know, I made you free times. Free times full. Full brine. Rest in peace brother. You can leave us a message at 888-634-1744. Thanks mate. Let's see. What are you doing, baby? I'm back. You're back. Did you miss me? I always miss you when you're gone. Even sometimes when you're here. All right, you got news. So I'll let you get right into that. We can get right into this. This is the first one. I'm sure is going to get people going in the comments section. On first viewing, it makes me really depressed. According to our friends over at Fox News, transgender actor Elliott Page is one of New York magazine's cover stars for its first ever issue dedicated to men's style. The magazine said it has covered men's fashion for decades from a 1971 story asking whether men would wear high heels. Hell no. I mean, less your cowboy. Get into that another time. To a 1996 profile of male super models, but it has never devoted an entire special issue to the subject of men's fashion. For the debut, photographers held a fashion shoot. Where is the magazine puts it? The male stars were wearing some fashion, but also hardly any at all. All right. So here's my whole thing with all this. I'm not interested. I don't want to know about it. I don't, you know, when you're making the announcements that your son is gay or something, I don't give a fuck. Shut up. Just keep it to yourself. Whatever. I feel the same way about tattoos and nose rings and stuff like I'm just not interested. Get Elliott Page's scrawny shirtless ass off the thing it's nauseates me. But can we get Chris Pratt? I don't want to get sucked into your fucking world. I don't take your stupid Palestine flag off the back of your car. Is it just the political commentary or like LGBTQ commentary? You don't care what celebrities think at all. Like you don't want to listen to an interview with Brad Pitt. No, I'm not saying that. What I'm saying is your world. I don't want to be exposed to your world. I don't want to know anything about you. I don't want to know. You can drive their assholes out there that drive the Subaru's and they get their little bumper sticker badges. They get little badges to let you know what they're into and they're like, oh, they're into hiking and dog rescue and flossing and whatever the fuck they're into. I'm like, I don't need to know this about you and neither is anybody else. We're just folks on it on on the highway of life literally behind you in traffic. And now I have to see that you have a Tesla, but you're angry at Elon. Yeah. So you have a Tesla thing, but you also have Elon with a slash going through his name or you got this before Elon went crazy. Shut up. You're an adult. You're 56 years old. Who gives a shit? I actually think it shows how narcissistic they are that they assume that you are going to judge them. It actually shows two things. How narcissistic and how judgmental they are. Yeah. It shows how narcissistic that they are that they think a total stranger on the 101 gives a shit about why they're driving a Tesla when they bought it. Yes. And two, it shows that they would judge you for not knowing anything about you, not even seeing who you are behind the tint in your Tesla, but they're going to judge you because you also have a Tesla because they're just judgmental jerks. And by the way, I don't want you, you being a woman, you being a woman of color, you being black, you being gay, I don't want it to be your world either. I shouldn't have anything to do with you in your world. This is our problem. We only, we have Kamala Harris because Biden decided he needed a black female to be vice president. And now we all got exposed to her. And now we have to listen. Yes, we have to, now we have to be ruled by dopes because you guys are on some sort of affirmative action world where you go, my trans gay, I don't care. Nobody cares. And the reality is, is nobody gives a shit that you can't, they can't accept that. The ultimate, here's the big, here's the thing. Hating people, liking people, embracing people, the ultimate thing that a narcissist can't tolerate is nobody cares. Nobody cares. Nobody cares. Macklemore. So you're saying, nobody cares. Just shut up and do whatever you're doing. So my, by the way, if there's a, if there's a celebrity, that's an interesting person and they get, they get interviewed and they talk about what it was like filming the movie or whatever. Fine, that's what can listen to that or not. So like you would pay attention to Elliot Page talking what it's like working with, you know, Christopher Nolan. Yeah. Like what's it like trying to bring this epic to life? I would have, but now I don't want to hear anything. It has to say she, he, them, her, us, I don't want to hear anything. So you will not be going out to buying it and taking any fashion advice. Not only that, but this is the equivalent to a few years ago when Dove soap was putting all the fat chicks in their underpants, going, it's the new beauty. No, it's not, it never works. We don't want any of that shit. We want titties. We want blonde titties. Hey, it turns out big girls often have large titties. Yeah. And as we know on the show, you don't think a woman can be the fairest in the land unless she has big tautas. No, never said that. Pete and young go night cannot be the fairest in the land. You cannot pass up. Can not pass off an a cop as to be a most beautiful woman in the land. You can be cute I don't a little bit of man. I'll take care. I ain't Ruger had big tautas, but Diane Kruger she was it she was Helen of Troy in Troy with Brad Pitt. Here's what here's the rule. The rule is You can have a Modest cup size, but you can't be flat as a board and be considered a Beautiful of the most beautiful women in the world. No to everybody guys. It's not your titties are half a woman What is a woman? Oh, well, I got Elliott Page over here with no titties now It actually like I Cringed a little when I saw the when I saw the photo. I'm like this is somebody that used to have like all female parts That is now undergone the surgeries to change their body and like it makes me sad for that person and I agree and it makes me sadder that we have to talk about everybody in this all the time like my adult life like If somebody said to me like when I was like 24 they just want Adam. I got good news and I got bad news good news You have a award-winning podcast lots of listeners. Here's a goodness. Good news. You're gonna be rich You're gonna have race cars. You're gonna go race us race cars And you're living a cool house and you can build that house. You have money to build that house. I go. That's good. What's the downside? You're gonna be talking about the transgender community and Between that you're gonna be trying to pronounce names of terrorist organizations from the Middle East and you have a non-stop argument Not just from the Middle East and America's universities everywhere. Well, they've been franchised But so the good news is you're gonna be rich and you're gonna race cars the bad news is you're gonna spend every fucking waking moment arguing with Retarded people about the transgender community and Boko Haram or whoever whoever it is that you don't even know how to pronounce You're gonna have to figure that out because that's what we're gonna talk about and I'm gonna be like that's the future Yeah, that's that's pretty much it. That's pretty much it. That's pretty much what we're dealing with well Also, what they'd say and this gal AOC a bartender from the Bronx. It's not really from the Bronx You're gonna be talking about her to a lot of dopey people in positions of power making a lot of super shitty decisions So AOC has issued a fiery warning. This was a From our friends again over at Fox News on X about a New York town hall. She declared that AOC is a product of the post 9/11 surveillance state establishment. Mm-hmm. Here we go AOC is an agency that has not even existed for as long as many of us have even been alive They are a new agency created in the surveillance state establishment after doesn't she want to do the agency to study AI That doesn't exist. I mean, it's got to exist. It's gonna be the world health organization and other places that she loves Didn't exist for like as long as some of us have been Teachers unions didn't exist It's a bad it's a good she liked those all right, so I've her first point as a non-point She likes old things then let's go back to slavery and pre-constitution with you my sister preach all right here we go See created in the surveillance state establishment after 9/11 Ice is Palantir ice is AI ice is facial recognition ice is surveillance and ice is coming after you Regardless of your status I do I do I always love that notion like so The government here's where the government wants mm-hmm They want you to pay them tax money and not ask that much of them they would like you to pay What they like is guys like me pay all the money? Don't use the schools don't use the parks don't use the system social security welfare Don't use any of it have my own insurance. I'm a I'm a net win for them They're not really that interested in coming for me You know what I mean because I if you get rid of me you wipe some money off the books and you have to pay Don't carcerate me or whatever you also employ a lot of people you're contributing to the economy, right? You don't you don't you don't know what they do. I don't know why you get rid of this speech in the middle of the speech And but what they do is we already played the old thing. Oh, that's the whole thing. Oh, I didn't know I thought I interrupted her No, she clearly as we discussed doesn't have much to say right so that it's always coming for you, but coming for you That doesn't make mathematical sense for the government to just come for everybody statistically inaccurate. Yeah It's well first off So anybody like this notion of like how do you feel about ice officers at the polling state? It's like I'm in this country legally, and I don't how do you feel about? I'm going to the airport There is security at the airport. How do I feel about and bomb sniffing dogs and dudes with AR 15 and I pull my ID out 10 times and then I take they take a picture of your face and sometimes they even grow You yes, you get groped although it's all it's good because the dude doesn't with the back of his hand so you know You know when a guy strokes your scrotum Dawson, but he's using the back of his hand right that's that ain't gay No, no, that's straight. It's inside hand, you know By the way, I don't know why the back of the hand. I the front of the hand has all the calluses on it like I figured I'd rather you put a cigarette out the front of my hand than the back of my hand anybody knows anytime you're looking for something You look generally with the back of your hand. Yeah, I'm fumbling for your keys. I don't I always turn my hand over Drag along the carpet of my car. That's a yeah the back so okay, so Do I like going to the airport having to pull out all the ID and wait in line and be screened and hit a picture? No, I don't But I understand what they're doing there. You like flying to New York to go on got felled and do some stand-up and I Yes, and I participate. Yeah in this and that's the bond we have so This notion and it's it's a super AOC thing where they it's all the laugh, but they do this like lie Yes, they lie you go What's what's wrong with getting rid of people illegal? Another wrong tell they turn on you they come for you. It's like Do they are okay Trump has a possible? He has two terms, mm-hmm Max eight years He is now completed three quarters of the two terms without turning on the citizens But it's gonna happen, but he's gonna use the military to like turn on the sins. Oh, he's just waiting to the very end I guess all right, so AOC they're coming for us ice ice is coming for you coming for us So, but actually this is a I want to hear a speech. I want to hear one more time I she's such a colossal dope, but I'm also wondering who listens like I like her earrings though Like it's a cute like denim and blazer vibe. It never happens I ran for office. I would be by you coming for us. Okay, like Ice as an agency that has not even existed for as long as many of us have even been alive They are a new agency created in the surveillance state establishment after 9/11 So she was laughing about what's known down here ice is AI ice is facial recognition ice is surveillance and ice is coming after you Regardless of your status Regardless Ice is gonna come off after the US citizens. Well, it's what I will say this In all of coven in all of coven the government did come after us. Yeah, and all of coven did anybody on TV Saying you're gonna die die Did one person died? Did one person at CNN died? Did one person is Joe Rogan still alive? He used horse pays The Sanjay Gupta alive is Anderson Cooper or are there anybody that anybody died? Did anyone who said you were gonna die died? Did anyone yell at you about putting a mask on anybody in the answers? No Okay, another mind experiment What American has been sent to Honduras and dropped off does anyone know? I mean we I know a lot of people and then I have kids and I look select one of my kids called me a week ago And remember my friend Addy. Yeah. Yeah, Addy. He was from neighborhood guy. Yeah, he's in El Salvador He's in a high facility at the border. The Johnson's now well, they just they snatched him up and they put him in a van It would be all social media. I don't know. Oh, listen It's like it's like the Southern poverty loss and her thing, right? They have to create the problem in order to make money off of and fear monger the problem in order for them. Yes AOC Praise every night that a red-headed Kid gets snatched up by ice and taken to Honduras. Yeah, just something Please one person. Yeah, well, I started training again and even when you do that you want to get the right gear That's where 10,000 comes in 10,000 they make the best training shorts on the market hands down They've got the every session carry pocket system which has open-hit pockets a secure side zip pocket and A key five pocket as well. Everything stays put mid-set. They're super versatile one short for lifting running and everything in between I also love the Derby It's got a four-way stretch shell, no pinch waistband, and laser-cut ventilation. So that 100-plus price, well, it's actually built into the short. When you feel the fabric, ventilation, pocket system, and durability, you'll know that the money was well spent. Am I right, Dawson? If you want to check them out, head to 10,000.cc. And use code podcast15 for 15% off your first order, that's 10,000.cc. Code podcast15, 10,000, built for however you train. Hello, and welcome to Pluto Fo. We're all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Fantastic. The Matrix trilogy. Mean girls. Side up. Titanic. I'm the key in the world. And so much more. For showtime, press nothing. They're free. 24/7. That is so fast. On Pluto TV, stream now. Pay never. By the way, you want to know how you know it's never happened, because you'd never stop hearing about it if it did. Oh. All the time. It's going to be 24/7. You snatched just one person up. So no. It's not happening. It's not going to happen. I don't know how it can happen. What? What's the scenario? Maybe if there are a white redhead from Ireland that overstayed the visa. Yeah. What's the scenario? The ice guy just asked Dawson. You're watering your lawn and the ice van pulls up like, hey man. You got your ID and you're like, well, it's in the house. I'm just watering my lawn. He's like, you're coming with us. Is that? And then how does that benefit them? How does that work other than horrible publicity? It's weird because they always started with, hey, you ever been to Haiti? Yeah. That's right. We might have a trip for you. All right. So regardless of your status. Yeah. They always see things that I sometimes feel. Coming after you. Yeah. All right. But the person, let's just say we're going regardless of status. You go, okay. I talked to Trump and I go, is it a regardless of status situation? I'll fucking deport anyone. Wouldn't they start with AOC? Wouldn't she be the number one person thrown in ice van? Yeah. If I work, if I'm going regardless of status. I got a murder's role of people that knew something. They'd all be in the same unmarked van. He clearly doesn't like CNN. He'd start over there. Start with Jake Tapper. We'll make our way to Bass. We'll get nithy a ramen out of here too. Probably do Ashley Vanfield before Tapper. Okay. They're all gone. Yeah. They're all disappeared. You want to know why? Oh, yeah. They got ID. Sure. They're American citizens. I don't care. Regardless of status. Remember. She said. Yeah. Well, if that were so, then AOC would be gone. Okay. So, apparently you kind of have to be an illegal or an order to apply for a job in Boston that the mayor is offering up there. Mm-hmm. You cannot be an American citizen. Uh-huh. This comes from our friends over at Not the Be. The city of Boston is going to pay immigrants to become political activists. And American citizens need not apply. How did Boston end up with such a piece of shit mayor? And then how did Minnesota? Because Boston was Boston and Minnesota. I mean, Minneapolis was Minneapolis. When I grew up, when I was young, it was Paul Bunyan and Bud Grant and Bay the OX. And Boston was cheers and dudes, you know. Yeah. St. Matty. St. Matty and Fireman. Yeah. Yeah. They died the river and everyone's a racist but they're geniuses. That was Boston. Yeah. What the fuck happened to Boston and to get this kind of mayor and then Minneapolis too? Like, what happened? So, so mayor Wu there is saying that, um, she, well, first of all, she told people not to rent parking structures to the ice after the Department of Homeland Security issued a procurement notice seeking roughly 250 surge parking spaces near Boston's area ice facilities. So she had in her, I like to actually talked about dictatorial in her, in her, in her, her mayoral capacity contacted private business owners and was like, you shall not rent to ice or else. Yeah. Well, that's what you get with these people, yeah. And now she wants to pay people $575 grants to immigrants legal or illegal in order to train them in a political activism. So, uh, the immigrants lead Boston, it's run by the mayor's office, mayor Michelle Wu. And the program launched under the mayor in the fall of 2020 has apparently continued and expanded the Boston.gov program page states applicants may apply regardless of their immigration status, of course, which opens the door to green card holders, DACA recipients, refugees, asylum seekers, and undocumented residents. The same page states plainly that the candidates must be Boston residents and immigrants and means that no US Bostonians are eligible to apply. And then they're going to become a political packs essentially. That's their people. I mean, that's their people. Yeah. That's who votes. And then people are done voting for them actually. This is not included in the story, but I just read this earlier today. I have some hope for America. As our buddy Ben Shapiro says, it's like, you don't want the left to be too far left and you don't want the right to be too far right. Like when it is for the betterment of America as a society, interestingly, there are democratic candidates around the country that were campaigning with AOC earlier in the year. And they said, do not come back as they we get to what, like 35 day, how far we're going to stay away from the election less than 40 days left. There's a lot of Democrats out there. I think that are recognizing like the radical progressiveism of that wing of the party ain't going to cut it for the average voter. I agree. That's encouraging to me. It is except for of course you're going to I'm trying to end on a happy note and you're going to bring me down. You can't end on a happy note. You know the rules. Now remember not that long ago Joe Biden ran on that. He ran on, I am slow and steady Joe right down the middle. Uncle Scranton Joe, like Mr. Sixback and then it was nothing but progressive shit. And then people go, well, you know, his cabinet, his people around him did it. He gave tons of speeches screaming about white supremacy and shit like that. And I don't know how far Joe's gone, but he's saying these words are coming out of his mouth. He didn't say one thing that that had made any sense or was would be like day one, I'm going to shut down the pipeline. You know what I mean? Like every single thing he did was a hard left. Do you think that it's faux? Well, look, let's let's a wedding strategy, not necessarily a, like a, yes, let's put principle strategy. Well, let's, let's see if we can break it down. We get these people and there's a long history of their tweets, you know, like I'm vegan and I want to force you to be vegan and open the prisons and transgender that, yes, California should pay to have the top surgeries for prisoners and shut down fossil fuel and I'm against fracking and they have a long, laundry list of this stuff. Stuff they said, not the freshman year at Humboldt State. Not they said in their 40s, their 50s, sometimes there's 60s, right? They said this stuff. Now Joe Biden went the other direction. Joe Biden said normal things when he was 50 and 60 and then turned into this piece of shit later on when they captured him or whatever. But these people say crazy things as adults, as educated adults, as adults who graduated college many, many years ago, lived in the adult world, parents may not be with us anymore. They said all this crazy shit and then when they're 57 and a half, they're like, I didn't mean any of that stuff. And you're like, why are you acting normal now? Well, it turns out normal people don't want crazy people. Your average taxpayer does not want to pay to trans prisoners. You're average. It's a pretty basic thing. Wherever you may think or whoever you may, whatever side of the aisle you may be on, those are, and they like cheap energy and so on and so forth. So then safe schools and maybe even school choice and things like that. So now you then have to pretend like you disagree with yourself. That shit I said, that was two years ago. I didn't mean any of that. I was 46 and a half. How's it going when I was campaigning with AOC? So I'm going to pretend to be normal now and then you vote me in and I will then revert back to what I was the whole time. I mean, remember, I'm pretending to be normal. All the tweets and all the proclamations, that's me. But don't you think even if that's the game, it's still good that the broader electorate doesn't want that? Those are those ideas. Yes, it is. And then hopefully, I'm hopeful that the broader electorate, then when they are betrayed by that radical progressive, shift the other way, right to our guy. Right. We got four years of Biden fucking everything up and opening the border because we thought he was going to be normal. I just wanted to shift back, you know, I mean, there's, I'd like it to not go, you know, I want you to go out in a good mood, but this next story depresses me though too, so what's her name, the blonde from Connecticut or whatever? Who's the governor, governor of Connecticut? Oh, God. I don't know if it's Connecticut. Is it kind of Virginia? Yeah, what's her name? - Oh, Stein, Stein, what's her face? - Spamburger. - Spamburger. - Spamburger, ran as normal. - Yeah, but she- - And she's all back going nuts. Just the notion that you have to pretend to be normal to win and then go back, I say it all the time. - She knows that you're not principal. - Well, it's sort of like, I have an idea, people, when you vote, why don't you vote for the person that never said the crazy stuff that you disagree with? - That you disagree with. - They don't know about the crazy stuff. And they don't know about the crazy stuff because of what we talk about on the show a lot, because of the media bias, because of the social media algorithm, because of that. - Yeah, I get it. But it comes up enough that they have to all distance it. Like you said, you danced a jig right after 9/11. Yeah, well, okay, but I don't dance that about that anymore. Okay, I mean, they literally have to go walk everything back. But you know what I basically go, you get your choice between two babysitters. One says, oh, it used to be a pedophile, but not anymore. And the other never was. Why don't we just get the one that was never won? Let's get the one that was never was. It's so much easier, why? You know, this guy says, he took back all his pedophile stuff. - Well, so maybe I or do babysitters. - Just get the one who never did it. - Yeah. - How about that? But that guy says he's never gonna do it again. I don't care. It's just do the one, do you know he's gonna be, I don't know this other guy never did it. - Don't want the risk. - We don't want the risk. - Yeah, I agree with that. How do you feel about the risk of AI? - I'm all for it. - You're all for AI or the risks? - I like it all. - So Bill Gates, who I don't necessarily trust, is that AI could kill at least a billion people. - Bill Gates needs to shut the fuck up. - A billion people need to be. - Can we stop listening to Bill Gates about stuff? You made money doing computers. You're not a junior, you're not a genius on every single subject. - Bill Gates, he's a genius on, he knows a lot about Epstein apparently. - Bill Gates just got done being wrong about COVID 1,000%. Can we just do this? Can we just do this? Everybody who was 100% wrong for four years about COVID needs to take a time out. You know we're weighing in on other subjects. Bill Gates, you're wrong about COVID for four years. Sit in your room for four years and shut your fucking mouth. He's trying to make clean water out of like, sewage water though, you know? - Listen, I'm all four, but I'm saying in terms of your doom and gloom prognosticating, you just got done being wrong. - It's kind of like that, or it's kind of like how you feel about the Elliot page thing. It's like stay in your lane. I don't need to know about everything that you think. - Yeah. - Like that's kind of consistent with Bill Gates. Just he needs to stay in his lane. - Well, all these guys. - I mean, but computers argue a ble. - They all admit it. - It made it bajillion dollars doing the computers as you said. But you would think that he would have something to say or know about it, right? - I agree with you. What I'm saying is, is for all the people that just got done being wrong about COVID, you need to be punished. Thank you. All right, here's Bill Gates, all right. - Guy is powerful enough to end all of humanity? - AI is something powerful enough to drive events that cause a billion deaths. So even though it's pretty hard to get to 100%, there's never been a weapon as powerful as the combination of people with ill intent using the latest AI tools. - Do you believe AI is powerful enough to end all the humanity? - Yeah, that's crystal well. - AI is something powerful. - I'm done with her. - Can we get back to race? People didn't turn the debate. We're talking about race. Can we get back to race? - I forgot about that. - Oh, she's such a dope. All right, let's see me. That is, this Friday, Caspar Wilming, Ralph Doe, Theater, two shows there, and then Estes Park. That's where they fill in the shining two shows there. - I was just there. - You were? - Not at the Creepy Hotel, but I was in Estes Park. - I'll be at the Creepy Hotel. - Don't get murdered. - I'm proud to come for all that you need. I know, it inspired the shining, but that's their claim to fame. So leave 'em alone. Andrew, I get it. Fitzdog, go to Fitzdog.com. Great standup, all the live dates, all over the place. What do you have, my dear? - I'm with the usual op-eds over at Daily Wire, Abe News Network on YouTube. If you want to see my hot tics on some things. - So, until next time, I'm for Alicia Kraus and Fitzdog, say it. Bahala. - You can leave us a voicemail at 888-644-1744 and get tickets to see Adam Corolla at AdamCorolla.com. - Some mysteries have haunted us for centuries. Others are unfolding right now. This is history's greatest mysteries, a history channel original podcast brought to you by rewind studios. Every episode dives into one of the world's greatest enigmas, the vanishings, the myths, the lost relics, and the unexplained. Follow history's greatest mysteries, available now wherever you listen to podcasts. - Hello, and welcome to Pluto Fo. We're all your bloodbusters favorites and you're landing all summer long. - Fantastic. - The Matrix trilogy. - Welcome to the real world. - Mean girls. - Sidebar. - Titanic. - I'm the key in the world. - And so much more for showtime. Express nothing. They're free 24/7. - That is so fast. - On Pluto TV, stream now. Pay never. We're all your bloodbusters favorites or landing all summer long. - Fantastic. - Mean girls. - Sidebar. - Titanic. Express nothing. They're free 24/7. - That is so fast. Pay never.