Gracie & Peng Peng Lee on UCLA Gymnastics, Entering New Chapters, & Chasing Big Dreams | Ep 29

Hi you guys. Welcome back to Athletes After Hours. If you don't already know and you haven't been on Instagram, the last 48 hours has been a whirlwind to say the least. I posted a video innocently thinking that it was something I needed to speak about and I believe in using my platform for good to inspire others and inspire women specifically in sport to be confident and move their bodies and be brave and bold and to love themselves no matter what. So when I saw what I saw, I'm sure you have all seen it, I was disheartened and felt a very strong need to speak up. I know that a younger version of me is not as strong as I am. I'm not as strong as I used to be. A younger version of me struggled so immensely when it came to body image and I really did it to protect that girl and to protect girls that are just like me. I want every woman to feel beautiful, to feel seen, to feel valued and to feel capable and it felt like that ad just didn't hit for me and I did not expect it to blow up the way it did. It inspired an entire movement. Let's get to the point. I have so many emotions about it and so many feelings about it. Obviously the frontrunner is grateful and overwhelmed with support. I could not be more inspired by every single woman that has hopped on this trend. It is the most incredible thing I think I've ever seen and the fact that I sparked this conversation just confirms that I am so aligned with my values and how I speak and my beliefs and I'm so grateful that I was bold enough and brave enough to say how I feel because the overwhelming response was insane in the best way. It was so, so cool to see so many women support women and lift each other up and fight for what's right and I just couldn't be more grateful that I was able to do that. I'm so grateful that I was able to do that. I'm so grateful that I was able to use my platform to initiate those conversations and to initiate this huge movement but I also just wanted to like touch base with you guys and just you know obviously express how I'm feeling and let you guys know you know what's going on but you know despite all the chaos and the news reports and the interviews and everything that's going on I know to my core I did what was right and it's going to spark conversation for a really long time. Like the fact that I'm getting messages about people having conversations with their female athlete teams. The fact that these coaches are initiating conversations now about what their worth means to them and how their bodies do not define their capabilities and the way they look is the least interesting thing about them. Like you guys have heard me say this time and time again but the fact that it's now echoing all around the world and it's echoing all around the world is like it's so cool. It's the power of social media. Obviously with every viral video there there comes hate but every single positive comment has drowned out any hate and I know to my core I believe what I said and I said what I believe and that's all I could really ask for and again the overwhelming response is so positive and it truly has made my entire year my entire life. The fact that these women are on board and they're celebrating what they can do is it's going to inspire like so many generations to come and I think it's really a massive turning point for female athletics and I could not be more excited for what the future of female is going to look like. With that being said we have an episode for you. It is really special. It's near and I'm sure you know who Pang is. If you're a UCLA gymnastics fan she is quite the icon and it is such an incredible conversation. It's about the grit and the grind of being an elite athlete and being under a microscope as a female athlete but also about the really harsh transition outside of sport the harsh reality of entering into a new chapter of your life and a new industry and if you're going to get all the inside scoop in this episode. Thank you so much for listening. I'm so excited for you guys to hear this episode and let's get into it. It was so hard. Maybe this was my post-athletic like struggle like and I was having anxiety. I was uncomfortable like I wasn't having fun. I was trying to do music. I was trying to make it work. I think I was just really isolated in the desert. Yeah girl. It was isolated and it's not me. I ended up getting into therapy and like I I've never done therapy before because I was like I just need something. Today's guest knows what it means to completely reinvent herself. Before stepping into the music industry she spent most of her life as an elite gymnast representing Canada internationally before becoming one of the most iconic gymnasts in UCLA history. In 2018 she helped UCLA win the NCAA national championship in an unforgettable fashion scoring not one but two perfect tens to help clinch the title for her team. But when her gymnasium was closed she was able to win the NCAA national championship as well. After her gymnastics career ended she had to figure out who she was without the sport that had defined so much of her life. Since then she's traded the competition floor for the stage building entirely new career as Pang Pang a pop artist actress and creator. She's toured with Simone Biles on the gold over America tour released her debut EP Pang Pang the first salute been featured as an artist on 102.7 kiss FM and is now working towards her debut full-length album. Today we're getting into the highs and lows of her gymnastics career the reality of finding an identity after sport starting over in an entirely different industry and what it takes to chase a second dream. Pang Pang Lee welcome to Adley's After Hours. Girl I knew when I was writing up that intro that it was going to be a mouthful but holy cow isn't it crazy just what you're just the most like accomplished human I think I know. Thanks. I think you also just have raging ADHD and you can't pick one thing that you like so you just do it all. You know I just like feel like in life you just got to do it all what's the point of living a stagnant life and also yeah maybe a little bit of that too where I just want to do everything. You are the jack of all trades but I think it's so fascinating because you came from a sport where you weren't allowed to be the jack of all trades like we were only allowed to do one thing our whole life. Yeah. And so I do think that we bond on the fact that like we want to try everything now that we can. Yes well it's crazy because I grew up in Canada. Yeah. Obviously it was so different because I was training elite gymnastics but I was only doing 25 hours a week. So I had the weekends off. So that's when I started. And when I was younger my parents always said like you just wanted to sing and climb. I'm like wow that is so what everything I'm doing right now is singing and flipping and climbing and doing all those things. And then so before gymnastics I started at a young age but then I quit. And that's when I did a ton of other things. I did theater camp. I did tennis golf soccer. Oh so you did everything. I did it. This was like pre-gymnastics and then I because I quit gymnastics. Yeah. Then I got back into it when I was like eight and then I fell in love with the sports. I hated the sport. I hated gymnastics. I was like you're telling me to do a plank at five. What the hell. Yeah. What the hell. What the hell. I'm not doing a plank. So then but then when I did kind of reaffirmed it for you though when you stepped away. Yes. Okay. And then I loved it and I like loved competing. I think I got the rush over to competing. Yeah. And like teammates and it was so fun. And then when I got to an elite gym like an elite gym that literally only trained elite gymnasts and Olympians or whatever. We had the weekends off. So I would do guitar lessons singing lessons on the side. I did like during the summer. I literally went from tennis camp from like 830 to 1 p.m. and then did gymnastics from like 3 to 8 p.m. Oh my God. I was kind of crazy. Yeah. Really active and really sporty. My whole family's like that. Yeah. And I think that's why I'm like I do a lot. You've kind of kept that momentum. Yes. After gymnastics. Yeah. My parents were always like you need to be doing something. Okay. I mean to be fair we were literally just talking about this before we even pressed record. But you were doing YouTube videos while competing with us. And I and like obviously now everyone knows I do this full time. And I was like how did you do this while competing. Like I was already swamped overwhelmed. Yeah. I had so much schoolwork like we were juggling so much called a sixth year baby. I mean that. And I had one class. And I also I did it because I used to vlog when I was younger. Yeah. Like on the Canadian national team. You've just always been a performer. I think I've always been. I've always loved film. I've always loved performing singing acting like because when I was injured in high school I took a year off gymnastics. I wasn't able to do anything physical. I literally got into acting classes and I got into singing. And that's when I picked up a guitar and started songwriting because like you know that's all I wanted to do was be an artist. But then gymnastics was always really fun for me too. And it kind of just was like gymnastics superseded anything or just like took over. Yeah. And now I'm because of NIL we didn't have that. so now i'm like full throttle unchained let's go yeah that's so sick yeah i mean i feel like it's such a weird full circle moment because we were i the last time we talked in like a podcast setting was when you were interviewing me yes that's right oh my gosh well one on brun banter yes but also on honestly yeah and it feels so full circle and i remember when i first launched my podcast i was so in my head about it and i was like i was like thinking of podcasts that i had been on in the past and obviously yours came to mind and i was like you guys made it so fun and like didn't make it so serious and also like you made it seem so simple right like it was very simple it wasn't like overproduced yeah in the best way and so it made me feel so much better going into this being like look like you can just even if you don't do a full podcast you can do like a youtube series and like it really helped me just like mentally be able to like thanks queen that's what teammates are for always my inspo always that's what teammates are for yeah i had to tell you that it was like you were such a big inspiration to me to like just go after whatever the hell i wanted to go after full throttle yes and like well don't why hold back why yeah what's the point we never have ass here we never have ass always we full ass double cheeks double cheek always peached hundred percent put that on a sticker well to give people some context as to how we knew how we know each other and obviously like why we're so cracked out when we're together is because we did gymnastics together at ucla and we were together only two years yeah so my freshman year and my sophomore year but you made such an invaluable impact on every single person on that team and like you were i mean you were captain through and through always and um i just kind of want to jump into like your experience at ucla and how it was for you because i was only there for like the two years of it right yeah yeah it's true so how was it how did you get into it and um yeah so ucla was so fun for me because i never wanted to do college gymnastics so because i wanted to be an actress and a musician yeah an artist i wanted to do my goal was to do 2012 olympics and then done and then go right into acting right into music and so i never ever had college gymnastics on my mind like it wasn't even a thought and then i was like oh my god i'm gonna do it i'm gonna do it i'm gonna do it and then i got injured in high school and i wasn't doing gymnastics at all because i had a back injury and i that's when i got into like acting classes and got picked up a guitar and then started songwriting and like doing all the taylor swift things and basically um when that time came miss val or i had a teammate who was at ucla and she was like paying like i'm having so much fun at ucla like you need to come down and come and visit and i'm like you mean you're having a lot of fun because weren't you crying like every single day in the gym i'm like you're like wait wait wait wait a crazy switch you're having fun i was like i need to check this now yeah i need to i need to see it for my own eye yeah why she said she was having a lot of fun she was literally crying every day so i'm like okay we i need to go check this out so my whole family went down i wasn't doing gymnastics i was injured i was off the canadian national team because like i had a full back injury didn't even know if i could come back to do gymnastics again yeah and then it was just crazy i i took a tour of the school miss val was like um where what do you plan on doing after your injury i think i was like halfway through and i was like oh my god i'm being injured until i could kind of like reassess where i was at and i was like oh i might do tennis golf like you know something not like so intense and she goes oh okay and i and she goes have you thought about gymnastics i was like no because i can't do it anymore like i'm not allowed to do it and then we went through different skills and she goes well you know college is a lot like different than elite gymnastics a lot less a lot less so we basically made like 10 over teens from my elite like skills yeah and it was a lot of the skills that you're choosing i didn't bend my back so i was like oh like pack full yeah um my back hands are back pike is a little more archy but like aerial full like everything was not archy that's why i did a pack full so you didn't have to arch well it's just straight like everything's straight no but like that's like genius if you watch my gymnastics i'm not very like bendy i'm very straight girl same yeah we get stiff as a board you know it's okay you're just that type of gymnast so that then we were going through these routines and i was like oh i can do this that's genius so then then she was like if you ever decide to come back to do gymnastics i would love to give you a full scholarship period and i was like oh okay i guess you go for free i gotta go for free and i'm in la and they were selling me on commercial work and they were selling me on it's la the network is that i know that there's an il rule that we can do anything but but in hindsight great network like miss all really allowed me to sing the anthems and like broom banter i was uh testing out hosting if i want to do hosting and like acting um i did acting classes at ucla and i think it was just the right environment for me 100 for me it was like yeah like i could totally see myself in la and that's how i got to ucla and then obviously the first two years i was injured so the first two years was kind of like crackhead pain yeah just go out more enjoy more than you now enjoy college i wasn't competing so like enjoy my time more than when you were when i was in college i was in college i was in college i was in college i was in college i was there yeah oh shit we were a little unhinged you're crazy girl crazy girl but we got crazy girl and now we're okay i always admired you and brielle because you guys could work hard play hard and i never had that you know that was my motto my motto in college was work hard play harder and it was kind of bad because i like really worked hard so i played a lot harder but here's the thing i it worked for you though it worked for me and it made me the best athlete i could obviously when i was competing i toned it down yeah but i was like oh my god i'm gonna i was i was just enjoying my college experience and i feel like i left college with no regrets like i was so present i was so present like i made friends i had international friends i had like people on the sports teams and i had people not on the sports teams and i was just everywhere but that's like totally me yeah it's just to be everywhere and anywhere and when i'm walking down bruin walk i'd literally get like i would know it took you literally like an hour just to get i remember always seeing you on bruin walk and being like she's talking to someone new she's talking to somebody it's like when we went to america's got talent you're like how do you know this person how do you know this person yeah like it's just it doesn't stop no and i like that too i know so people always say that about me and i'm like it is honestly the best quality ever i love to connect yeah and i think the the best thing out of ucla is connections and like my family i feel like i'm so grateful for the bruin sisterhood and i think the 2018 team was the most special one because i think the first couple years i think everyone's first couple years as a freshman sophomore it's hard still figuring it out yeah it's so hard like you're trying to find your footing i wasn't competing how do i make it how am i going to be a good teammate like i'm not competing but i knew i was talented like i knew i had the skills like yeah but how was i supposed to do that and so and how i supposed to bounce school and all this and you know personalities and there's like a ton of and it changes every year every year and you're talking about like ucla there's going to be some competitive big personality girls and so dealing with that my first my freshman sophomore year was really really difficult because i was also really i wasn't in a safe space to like yeah yeah yeah be myself well i mean especially if you're not competing you just don't feel like you can take up space yes 100 i get that and so i think i was able to be a better teammate though because i didn't compete and i was able to almost watch the game of it all and see like how it all works and how to be the best teammate because i feel like in my last year i even if i didn't get along with some of the girls i'm like let's just be transparent yeah like and i remember like us seniors getting all together i'm like there is no captain like we're you know i also there's no captain there's no captain there's no captain that's fine we all have connections with everyone let's just be transparent be the best teammates we can be and it just worked for us because like y'all bought in but you can delegate like okay you like for instance like pua was closer to me yeah so like if there was ever an issue like pua would come to me about it yeah exactly and like vice versa i knew i could go to her or to you yeah or like janae and it's just like you have your people and like 100 we recognize that and also i think you guys did such a good job of like inviting us to use our voices and i think if you would have been quiet and just like kept to myself yeah but i felt like you encouraged all of us to be leaders in our own right yeah and it's like you either led by example you led by your voice or you led by supporting and i think each senior had a different quality yeah to allow all of that to happen so each teammate could be comfortable yeah i really i truly feel in the 2018 team we felt safe and comfortable to say whatever the fuck we wanted yeah and i think that was the last year when i was there with you compared to all the others i had a really great time at ucla too it was hard though because i had my acl second acl yeah then i tore my thumb then i was trying for 2016 olympics and then i got injured again and then it was like i wanted to quit in my uh fourth year i i was this close shut up to telling my teammates mid-season i was like i do not want to be here no my my fourth year i was like i hate it i hate it here the year before your breakout season no the year before my fifth year i mean yeah your fifth year was a breakout season too yeah like you were crushing it then i mean obviously your yeah your sixth year was like your best year but so i told miss val and i said i'm done i don't want to be here and she goes okay well you have to tell your teammates that and then i was like actually actually i'm just gonna wait till after season and then i'll tell but like i was i was so ready to be done because i wanted to do acting i want to do music like i was just over it i don't want to train anymore like my body was breaking i was surgery after surgery i'm so frustrated so over it right and it wasn't having fun like But then Miss Val was like, just do the fifth year. Like, well, she didn't say that. But I was also like, I have one more year. Whatever. I did two events. And then I met all you guys. Then the eight of you guys came in. And it was just like, there was something about it. I'm like, I love these people. And it was just, I don't know what it was. But it was, it felt like a family. And it felt really safe. And that's why it made me came the sixth year. That's only, one of the biggest reasons why I came back was, one, I get to be in LA for another year. And I get to figure out what I want to do with my life. It gives me time. And I get to do the sport I want. And I got to hang out with you guys. That was like the biggest reason why I did a sixth year. Because I'm like, I wouldn't, I was, I said no to Miss Val about the sixth year like 10 times. I decided to do the sixth year mid-season in my fifth year. I remember you like announcing to us. And we were so stoked. We were like, thank God you're not leaving. Because the team's not the same without you. Some people were like, what? You're too old. Really? Yes. Some people were like. Girl, be so for real. You need to. You were such a good teammate. But some people were like. And I don't remember like, it's so long ago. You don't remember who. You know what I mean? Yeah, fair. But it could also have been like adults too. They're like, you need to move on with your. Well, and it could be also like your own white noise in your head. And peers too. Because peers, everyone's thinking about the future and moving on and getting a job. They're like, you need to. And I was already older. No, growing up is for losers. I am great. I'm going to be peers. I'm going to be pitter-pan forever. Like, it's actually dumb. I think so too. I'm like. We don't have to do that if you don't want to. You can be an adult and you can be a kid. Yeah. Why not? And also, you were still thriving. No, it was. Yeah. The cool thing about UCLA that I really admire, at least when we were there, is because they recruited such high top tier elite athletes, they knew everyone's bodies were broken. Like, Maddie Kay came in with needing shoulder surgery. Kyla's body was beat up. You guys were beat up. Hallie was beat up. Yes. And so it was like. Yeah. You guys kind of had your own little separate group. Yeah. Where it was like, the girls who were beat up had their specific training. Yeah. And we all respected that. We all recognized that like. See, that's the difference. There was a lot of respect on the team. Yes. And it did. And it's like. If you can do your job and only do one routine. Yeah. Versus someone like me who had to do fucking 15 vaults and five floor routines just to feel confident in myself. There goes Gracie. God. Running down again. Bro, I loved it though. You got it Gracie. I loved a good rep. You got it. I loved doing as many reps as I could. I'd be like, wait, I'm not done yet. They're like, no bitch, you're done. Okay. You've done a million turns. You're like, you got it tomorrow. Yeah. But I'm like, I think that there's, yeah, there's two types of athletes. There's ones that are mentally stronger and ones that are physically stronger. And like, thankfully my body was healthy and I could do the reps and I needed it mentally because I wasn't an elite athlete. So I didn't have the same level of confidence and I wasn't stepping down. I was actually advancing my skills. 100%. Yeah. So it was very different. It's a lot. Yeah. I mean, the college experience is different for everyone. And I think the great thing about the 2018 team, I only go back to that team because I feel like we still have a group chat. Like you still talk. Like, yeah. And we still talk to a lot of the other girls too. We won a fucking Maddie. Like. Out of, out of a miracle. Yeah. May I tell you? With literally what? 3% chance of winning by like the second rotation. It was actually crazy. Like I. No, I'm saying you needed what? A 9.9735 to win. 9.975. Like insane. To win. And you got a 10. It's so like, do you ever look back at your career sometimes or just like, see the things that you did? And I'm like, cause it was so normal to us. And now that I'm like out of it for a while, I'm like, we did that. Yeah. That's crazy. Oh my God. When I had Ms. Val on, we were talking about it and I had to go back and look at all the footage and I was looking at, you know, like all of Deanna's videos and everything. And I was like, holy shit. Like we're kind of insane. We're eating. Oh my God. We ate the fuck up all the time. But also like the energy was so there. We were also bought in. Like. We were all bought in. You could watch every girl on the sideline. Not one person's like looking. Like everyone's doing everyone's choreography. We're all so locked in. We all just respected one another, but we all, we respected each other's flaws and, and we never like negatively pulled someone down because of their flaw. We were like, okay, that's just you. Yeah. It was like acceptance. I think we accepted everyone. So much acceptance. So much respect. Yes. And it was a place that we could all thrive, but really iron sharpens iron each other. Like we could really like get better and like, okay, you're going to stick. I'm going to stick. Yeah. But it was playful. It was so playful. I think we were all just really playful and really bought. Yeah. Bought in. Yeah. And so present. Present. And every single meet. Present. So present. We were present. So then when we got obviously to the point where we won a national championship, you were at the peak of your career. Yeah. Literally cloud fucking nine. Yeah. Like you can look back on every video from that year and there's a smile on everyone's face. Yes. And it was just lit. I was rewatching the vlogs. Yeah. Because sometimes I like to go back. Like honestly, it's so nostalgic. It's a little diary. I know. Of our team. I need to go back and watch that. You need to watch it. It's they're so cute because like you're in there. Like you do like movie nights. Yes. I would like to have some popcorn and watch. Can we please? Yes. Because there's like the team challenges. There's like all these things. And like, but, but it's funny because Miss Val would give us some crazy things to do. Yeah. Like as a team bonding thing. But you know, we all roll our eyes sometimes, but we're like, we all bought in at the end of the day. And if we were all tired, we were all tired. Yeah. And if we're all like, we kind of like. Fed off each other's energy, which was so cool to me. And you watch back on the vlogs. I'm like, we were all like crackheads in the best way. Like just so like we fed each other's energy, which was so cool. Like who does that? I know. And because you're like me and the high highs are like so good. Yeah. That was like the biggest high of your life. Right. Like, I mean, you think back on like some of the biggest highs of your life. It's like that obviously sticks out, but then you retired. Yeah. So how was the crash? You know, it's funny. I was so ready to be done. I was like, well, because I was just like, I didn't even want to college. Six years. Six years. I was like, and we won. I got two tens on both. That is the best closure ever. And we won a championship. Like, how could I have ended any better? I actually think back. I'm like, I literally had the perfect career ending. Yeah. It was like a fairy tale. And we were the underdogs. Yeah. Come on. Yeah. They were literally walking over to Oklahoma and popping champagne like they won. And then they were like, oh, wait, Pang still has to get her score. The trophy was like walking that way. And the camera's already. I'm like, yeah, this is it. Like, it actually flabbergasts me when I like think about it. Oh, yeah. The stars had to align so insanely well. I know. And mind you, like I was doing my series. I was off the beam. But like we stayed on. Girly Pop was so crooked. The way you came up to me after I was standing behind the beam. And I literally go, how the fuck? How did you? Did you just gravitate back to the. That's what I'm saying. It was like you levitated. No, I know. It was like the world slowed down for a second. I watched you literally like. And I just moved. Everything was working that day. Anyways. And our Olympian fell before you went. I know. So that's what I'm saying. Like, it's just crazy. Like the pressure was on. I didn't know that she fell until like. That's good. Way later. Yeah. But I just like after that championship, I went to Disney World. Loving life. I love it. For you had a most magical week. And then I think I felt like I was like on cloud nine that I could accomplish anything. And I went to SeaWorld San Diego with Miss Val. I did a show. Oh, yeah. The show was amazing. It was like the summer of my life. It was so fun. But then I think it was after the show is when I started crashing out hit because I didn't have you guys. Yeah, I got really lonely. It got really lonely. I wanted to do social media. It wasn't a big thing. It was a big thing, but not for athletes, I would say. And I was doing the vlogs. I was trying to keep it alive. But I wasn't a gymnast anymore. So it's like, do people even care about me if I wasn't a gymnast? And then I wanted to do acting, which I got my first like big role, not big, but it's like a small role. But I was on Spongebob. Oh, yeah, I was like on Spongebob. That's so iconic. I know. And now and so I was like, I kind of had momentum. Yeah. But then there was when we went so viral, like you had a following when you left college. That helps a lot. Yes. You were on the map. Hundred percent. And but I think a lot of it still had to do with me as a gymnast. And and to me, at my core, I'm like, I'm more than a gymnast. Because I did the singing, I did the acting. And so I was trying to break away from that. And I think it gave me a weird relationship with gymnastics because I'm like, I'm not a gymnast anymore. Like, I need a closer. I kind of resent it. I kind of started resenting it. And I started getting a lot of anxiety. Like, I had my first panic attack. When was it? Right before COVID, I think, like 2019, maybe. And I was freaking out. I felt like I couldn't breathe for like a month. My anxiety was so bad. I couldn't figure out why. And I think it's like you guys are still on the team. You're still doing school. Like, I felt like I didn't know what I was doing with my life. I knew what I wanted, but I didn't know how to get there because like, well, my parents are accountants. No one's an actor. No one's an artist. Like, how? Uncharted territory. How am I going to make this dream a reality? Like, is it? But I knew I could do it. That's the thing. I'm like, I know I can. But I didn't know how. And I think there's an underlying anxiety. Anxiety of just like, you know, I'm Canadian. I'm not American. I have to like the working is different for me. Like I can't just get a job like it has to be within my visa and like there's all these like parameters. And so I started getting stressed out. And then at one point I was taking a meeting with a producer and I started seeing white splotches. I thought I was dying. I thought I was having a stroke. And I started. This is when I lived on my own. Oh, sure. Isolation is not good for little ping-pang. No, not good for me. Not good. No, no, no. I already talked about this on my solo episode, man. Yeah. - Not good for me. - Yeah. - And I've realized that now, growth but anyways yeah so i started seeing white splotches and i thought i was having a stroke so i called janae i called grace and i was like you guys need to come over like i think i'm something's wrong with me i was laying on the floor crying i think one of them had a spare key i think janae had a spare key and i was crying on the floor and they came they're like what's wrong first of all grace was like where i need food because of course and i was like but it helped because i'm like okay back to reality yeah it kind of brought you back to the present moment a little bit but i i realized in the moment i was having a panic attack holy shit and i was freaking out and then i went to another gymnastics like meet i was doing like a like a hosting job yeah hosting gig and i was i had like i was also having like panic attacks and i don't know what it was stemming from but i think it was my body was transitioning from not working out for like 25 hours a week or 20 hours a week and i didn't have my teammates i didn't have that energy it was like i was kind of fueling my own energy but you weren't expending the energy though yeah i wasn't spending it and i i didn't know how to get it out creatively and that's when i started writing a ton of music like i was there on my piano just writing like writing vomiting on the page vomiting and like but it was so healing for me to write and song write in that moment and i think you know like acting is so out of my control like you act but like it's almost like you're starting gymnastics again at level one yeah and it was really hard for me to start over because you're coming off this high i've been at that level at the college level maybe for like the past eight years like of my career like it's not like i was learning new skills oh yeah yeah yeah you just maintain you're not really getting out of your comfort zone very much right and i felt like i was at the top of my game for a long time so starting over and acting being a beginner humbling it's so humbling but it was it's what i needed because i'm like yeah i'm not i'm new i'm like i'm an amateur it's okay for me to fall but i still go through that right now with like art and um acting and all that stuff because i'm like this is a newer territory for me even though i've done it when i was younger yeah but like it's like gymnastics you have meets where you're gonna fail you have meets where you're gonna fall you have meets that are fantastic and then you go back but i think the hardest part was i was doing all the acting drills and singing drills but i didn't have teammates to fall back on and i didn't have a coach to fall back on so like you know when you have a hard time in the gym you go back to the gym yeah i have a hard time in life where do i go yeah back to my house where i was depressed already like yeah so i had a hard time transitioning out of that and honestly i feel like i just came out of it like in the sense where i feel now i can do anything i put my mind to but it was really hard for me because i think my energy was just getting expended in everything you get advice from professionals and they're like well that's not good enough and and you get entertainment advice and they're like oh well you look to this you look like you're not like yeah fit and you know are you sure you want to do this because that doesn't really like go with your vibe and i'm like i'm like you guys don't know who i am like yeah and i think now i'm like after going through all that transition stuff i'm like i know exactly who i am like in the sense of when did i lose her yeah but but i think i had to be okay with being like gymnastics is a part of my story not my identity it's a part of my story that does make me me but i think for a while i had to step away from gymnastics but that's when i ended up getting on tiktok because i was like i'm not gonna tell anyone about this i'm just gonna do tiktok not even post and then i started experimenting on there and then i did one gymnastics video and it obviously it like did really well and i was like fuck it's like my whole life just gonna be about gymnastics yeah and then i started doing transitions and then those popped off and then i started singing on there and those popped off and i was like i can do it it was just really hard to like now i feel like i'm tying in everything yeah like i'm tying in my content you're grabbing in so many pieces of yourself i'm grabbing every piece of myself and i'm like i'm gonna do it i'm gonna do myself to make me the best version of me rather than like pocketing and compartmentalizing pieces of me it's like no i can take the best pieces out of every single thing that i've done and put it into whatever happens next yeah so i i have definitely a different mindset now but i mean pool like i've talked to her because you know i feel like she's great to talk to and i was getting away from like the motivational quotes and like i'm like they're not real like what do you mean you make a hundred like you make everything happen no you don't because i think i was also in entertainment i you have no control who's gonna hire you you have no control what the audience is gonna think no control over social media numbers it's such a competitive field it's so oversaturated here in la yes and i think for me in athletics i felt like i was in the driver's seat i knew exactly how i could compete yeah i knew what kind of scores i could get like i knew you had more control in life and in yeah life in general or in especially in entertainment there's not a lot of control so now i'm like what can i control i can control how hard i work i can control my integrity in here i can control the energy that i give people and what i want to receive so like i think and that'll in my opinion i think that'll bring me to the right projects and i think it has been because i've been doing some great things now yeah so i'm like it's almost like the positive quote like my athletic mindset had to change a little bit to fit the real life box yeah we're not box just the real life like real life and i will say i've noticed such a massive shift in you i feel like in the last year i'm not even maybe like six months like since you really started stepping on stage again and performing because you've stepped into who you are yes and you've created a brand not only are you just fitting into other people's brands like when you're doing a commercial like i remember when i was doing commercials i was like i don't i don't want to be the one saying how many reps i do because like bitch i tore my achilles because someone's telling me how many times to go and it's like i want to have that control and take that control back and have autonomy on my life and my career and i feel like you're finally figuring out how you can take autonomy on your career and you know what's crazy because i remember when i was starting to song write because like it's so special to me and i remember i wanted to write these like bad bitch songs and like really powerful and really empowering and i remember one of the producers like but you're not a bitch i'm like but why do i have to be a bitch to write those types of songs yeah and also too it's a feeling not necessarily like my purse like i am a very playful bubbly personality yeah but i was like but i have this side of me that competes yeah and it was so i called miss val after i'm like am i crazy like to think that i'm this is the music that i want to write like and it doesn't go with my like it was such a mind fuck because i'm like but this it's calling me like this is what i want to write about yeah and i want to empower and i want to inspire and i feel like i'm so over just like people kind of putting shit in your head putting shit in my head and now i'm like this is what i want to do and as soon as i performed my pang pang song on tell me what's my name on stage because it's like tell me what it's like i'm confident it's a empowering song it's like yeah tell me what's my name like that's who i am i'm stepping into my confidence and captain i performed it on stage and it was so funny i got so many compliments after they were like this is exactly what i see you doing yes and they were like you look so in your element and i'm like i had to i had to be my biggest believer in those moments even when people were telling me what are you doing yeah and even when i told people i was like i wanted to sing they were like really like i'm like yeah like this is what i want to do anytime you do anything crazy people are going to scrutinize you because it threatens them because they would never do it and it's also kind of it's just out of norm yeah but when when have i ever been normal people put oh my god literally stuck to the norm no i'm like let's push the when do we ever stay still really yeah i'm like let's push the envelope a little bit more and see how fuck around find out really no that part but at the same time like i think for the stage part i finally was able to showcase exactly who i envisioned and what i wanted in my artist career to like this is what i want i want an empowering set i want to like bring up the energy i want to um have these colors like i had so much control over that set and it was a little overwhelming for sure especially when i've been doing music videos i'm able to like create and really and i think you know me i'm a very creative person i mean with the vlogs and editing and all that stuff like i have this creative mind that just didn't have any an outlet an outlet yeah and now i feel like i finally am like what's to stop me from putting out this outlet like before it was the voices yeah for sure it was like me not me thinking i'm an amateur and i don't belong here like i remember going in a studio session rooms i'm like the identity crisis like what am i doing i'm an athlete yeah you have like imposter syndrome imposter syndrome and i go to content events and i'm like i'm an athlete i can't i could not relate to anybody and i was having a hard time because i'm like i can't relate yeah and but i'm like but i don't and then now i'm like i don't need to relate that's great that you can't relate because that's what makes you unique and i'm here yeah and i was like you still made it and i'm kind of just like sometimes i look back i'm like who do i think i am for just trying this like this but i love it because it's like yeah why not find out to see how like how far we can get and that's exactly like my gymnastics like yeah sometimes i really think about i'm like i really thought i could go to the olympics and medal but i could have you know what i'm saying like but i had to be in that mindset yeah you have to be delusional you have to be a little delulu no literally i've said about every single person that's been on this podcast that's been successful yeah especially people that have gone the olympics yes i'm like the difference between ncaa and the olympics is you just have to be delusionally confident delusionally confident and i was delusionally confident in gymnastics - Yeah. - I was like, yeah, I got this and I was looking at top gymnasts how to see how i could beat them and like yeah um let's see what they're doing and then i go back to practice and then i and it's so interesting because now in music i'm like no i'm not competing against anyone but i'm like how good how big can i get you're competing against yourself yeah but it's fun i'm like yeah but it's the delulu part i'm like yeah i'm like i'm really gonna like who cares i got this one life why not just see how big we can go and i think that's exactly what happened and you have nothing to lose and i think that's happened in 2018 yeah that energy that that energy confidence that we all had was infectious yeah and i think that's why we were able to come back the way we did because we're like yeah we can still win well that's why it's so important like i will always fucking say this you need to surround yourself with people who believe in your dream and believe in it more than you yes because if someone wants to yuck your yum ew put that go away yucky i learned that i learned that saying recently who said that it's like when someone you're like oh my god i love disneyland and they're like ew disneyland you're like don't yuck my yum oh i like that like it's like it's my thing like i like it like don't shit on my yeah i just added that because i'm dramatic but like i will say because i think in that when i look at that time frame yeah a lot of people were not believing in me because i had because they were like oh that's the universe testing you that's the universe building you up and forcing you to believe in yourself so wholeheartedly that no one could ever knock you down that's so because that's how you need to have thick skin in this industry i feel like that now but i always knew i'm like i can do it but this pain wouldn't have existed if it weren't for people shitting on you so we're testing you so true and i feel the same way about my job too because people oh my god are you kidding if my own father was like you're gonna post on instagram and get paid what do you mean you know what i mean oh yeah he wasn't like shitting on me obviously like the same way other people would but like what are you doing it's just like wait this isn't like all my other siblings are in medicine and like they're doing very traditional jobs and they're like you're gonna post videos and make me do this and they're like you're gonna post videos and make me do this and like how the fuck are you gonna do that girl yeah come on be so for real that let's just be so for real but oh and but like the same thing with my podcast my old management hey there's enough podcasts out there you don't need to do that that was what they said when i was like brave enough to even tell them i wanted to launch a podcast but that you know what's crazy is when you're brave enough to do it that's when they knock you down because and that and that's when you it's weird because that's like with music and acting i was brave enough to even go out on these auditions i was brave enough to even go into a studio session and tell this producer yeah i song right period i was like never been in one before i was like yeah i've been here please don't call my bluff i know i was like they were like hey can you do some melody passes like but you and i are the same where you step into a room and you just embody you embody whatever happens fake bad bitch mentality you're like you know what we're gonna fuck around and find out exactly like i will say nine times out of ten and the reps help yeah like when you step into a space where you're uncomfortable and you figure it out with ease you're like oh that just builds up my confidence an extra you know iota or whatever and like when i was hosting the premiere with ted lasso did i know what the fuck i was doing absolutely not right but you just did i get a call that day yep no you just pretend that you know what you're doing figure it out and it's crazy because like again when you're trying something new and saying like i want to be an artist or i wanted this and like what you said the universe tests you and yeah it's like you're brave enough and then they want to not they like it you get knocked but you're like but i'm still brave yeah but i'm still i'm pushing through pushing through and like and it's just funny because the it is it like it's i honestly i feel like i've come into a new like honestly this past week no you've stepped into a whole new a whole new body era yeah a whole new pang but still the same pang but a whole new pang but it's like what you said i wouldn't have beat i wouldn't be here if i didn't go through my anxiety attacks all the stuff like i felt like i was in the trenches like a year and a half ago and like going through social media my number's not going well i've had agencies being like brands are going to want to work with you because your numbers are too low and i'm like then why the fuck would you take this meeting with me yeah what what so what are you just trying to tell me like it's not good enough and they're like well you know you look more like an artist not necessarily creator i'm like thank you i've been trying to transition into an artist i just don't understand why everyone is so outrageously like uncomfortable putting people in boxes yes why you and me do not live in a box we do not live in boxes which is why i don't belong in a box the acting music yeah and like that's why you can do whatever the fuck you want you can be a jack of all trades because we don't belong in boxes and i've always said that i'm like but why like i remember after college everyone's like you have to pick one thing and be good at it and i'm like why but why and and it's funny because now i i think about who i look up to and it's a lot different than you know when you're a gymnast times change and i'm like i look up to the rock period because he does and john cena all these big ass men that just like didn't want to fit in a box literally like even when even the guy that we were watching um terry cruz hosting the agt i was just talking about that the other day i'm like and now he's like hosting agt and i'm sure he this man was on white chicks he was on the nfl team competition 100 so like why not and then i i saw another rock can do it then so right and i saw another quote and it was like i love people who are not one thing yes and i and i it just makes it more interesting and it makes life more full but i think i understand like you can be known for one thing like gymnastics like it has the one thing but now it's a piece of me it's not everything but it's a piece that really fits into my puzzle really well and it's just a part of my story that gives me depth it gives it it helps me song write like i take so much inspiration from my gymnastics and i've been into sessions now and i'm like working towards this and i'm not shy to make it a little more sporty yeah because that is me like and who else is going to have that experience besides an athlete yeah like an athlete who is going for the olympics and who was supposed to go but like tore acl and like now i have this whole story that like so much lore that you can incorporate into your brand that makes you you and unique you don't want to be anybody else exactly that's so boring but it's funny because i had that mindset in gymnastics and i lost her we're bringing her back we're bringing her back yeah because i think in gymnastics it was a great environment and ucla gave me the confidence to be that person be confident myself my teammates gave me confidence like i had so much support then when you're by yourself it's like oh shit yeah now how do i support myself and fall and fail but who do i go to how do i pick myself back up who'd understand yeah and it's funny because i do still rely on a lot of my teammates to like just be there to be there and it's the spirit yeah i feel like we don't even know what's going on in each other's lives but it's like we're so supportive like when we went around the table yeah we genuinely were clapping and really happy for each other i know and it was so amazing because like you don't get that no and i've i've realized that the 2018 team is so special yeah that i'm like wow this this is a sisterhood for life like it doesn't we can have our ups and downs we can have our differences it doesn't matter but we're still like if we needed if we needed someone on that team to be there for us right now they would pull up yeah without a doubt and thankfully my tail is like five minutes away so and it's like without a doubt in our mind no 100 they would pull up 100 if you're like i need i need someone it's family it's family yeah and so i think that helped me a lot with like my music now yeah even when puah said like how can i support you i'm like wow that was so nice because because you know you do these things and you don't want to ask your sisters you don't want to ask like it's awkward sometimes and you know you're still figuring out how you can help yourself and and just but knowing you have support yeah in your delulu fucking fantasy yeah is it is and from your gymnast sisters yeah who know you from thick and thin yeah who might not know what you're doing now but they have to have their support and they're like it's i don't know it's huge it's huge it's so big i think it's so nice too because you know that like we i think sometimes forget forget i forget that we have so we're all pretty similar like we all grew up being very social and like we're all great networkers and it's like who's to say that we don't have connections like we all live in la right it's like you don't know until you ask and there were so many times where i learned that lesson when i was launching the pod because i remember my biggest fear with launching the pod was who am i gonna have on right like do people even want to come on are people even gonna want to do it if i don't pay them like right and i it was just such a big fear because i was like i'm such a it's a mind insecurity thing of my own to like ask for help and to ask for someone to be on it because we don't like asking for no we do not but the other thing is when we were on the team we knew when each other needed help so we just step in yeah so it's like we didn't have to ask for help yeah as a teammate we just clocked each other i know but now we have to put it out now we put it out and be brave and i remember the second i put it out there i had like three four five people respond being like first of all this is a great fucking idea i think you should launch podcasts like you're clearly passionate about it i think you'd crush i have five people oh great i can think of off the top of my head that would be great for your podcast and i'm like wait actually like the second you put it out there it's like the universe rewards you no the second it was like my music when i as the second i said like i want to go on a tour this i want to do this i want to do that i got the unfo show i was able to perform at the grammy museum then i had my own show yeah i'm about to sing the anthem at like an nba or wmba game like let's go and the thing is but people are like let me help you yes which is it's kind of like you're like you're like you're like you're - It's kind of crazy 'cause it's not our team. it feels unfamiliar but it's so exciting yeah and it's so like i just feel so i don't know what you like i feel so grateful that people want to help because some people don't want to help but i think it's because we both have this very undeniable energy about us that's authentic yeah and like people know that we're coming from a good place like we're not doing this for money we're not doing this for fame we're doing this to make an impact yeah and for something greater than us yeah and i think people can see that and feel that and they just want to support you and i think it also is a huge testament to people like us who will just do that for other people as well and then you start to try to like attract your tribe and your community of people that are are similar and you're like you don't really reap the benefits until you're in a position like us where you're like down bad and you're like holy shit like people so many people are showing up for me and and helping me and like the fact that 50 people came to like my little berries you know yeah podcast launch event i was like and even the berries team were like i've never met so many incredible humans that showed up for you like that was so cool and it was just yeah i think it's it's moments like that like you don't really realize until you host it and then you're like whoa well because you're you're in it yeah and you don't re it's stressful yeah and you're kind of like a little you know like going through the process is like my music video it's like so many friends pulled up yeah to be in it to just support and they were like helping me do you need anything I'm like whoa like this is crazy to like that you're really a tentative also yeah and even with um other projects it's like wow they really want to help yeah it just confirms so much of your relationships that you've built and like and I want to help other people I would give all my friends the world if I could like you know that's kind of the goal is to be able to like do my dream but like help other people's dreams come true like it's I think life is it's so amazing to dream how cool that you even get to be able to dream a dream you know dream a little dream how did I know that you were gonna do that I was waiting for it I know you were dream a little dream okay we could talk on this podcast for literally nine hours straight no I know I actually think you and I could have a whole day podcast should we have a marathon and like raise money or something should we try yeah let's do it we could totally do a singing thing 100 yeah we can do like a whole I don't have any fun talents that I could do on here but I can yeah you have like fun noises you can do yeah that's true I do some voices you can I can yeah we can see I could do a few voices just a few just a few just a few okay anyways we can go off on tangents left and right but I do want to talk about the now yes you are in obviously this amazing phase of your life and you're in this amazing phase of life where you're kind of finally getting the wheels are turning the momentum's moving you see the light at the end of the tunnel yes but then something happened yeah there so I I was very grateful to be in a long-term relationship and I loved him so much and I think I learned a lot from that relationship and it wasn't just a relationship I had a lot of I was very grateful to be in a long-term relationship and I loved him so much and I think I learned a lot from that relationship and it wasn't just a relationship I had a lot of like my ex was like going through his own stuff and then like a lot of my friends are going through life things and I I felt like and then I moved to Vegas and I felt very isolated and my support just like crumbled I'm gonna start crying but like my support was just like crumbled in Vegas like it was so hard pain I was having a really hard time pain I was having a really hard time and I hate crying no you're okay you're a pretty crier so I'm really ugly crier no you're not I am so isolated and I think that's where you know when people say like oh you have to figure it out for yourself you have to be able to like be strong for yourself and I that's what I thought I had to do so I was doing things by myself and I just felt like I was isolating myself even more and then I realized I was like my job is unstable my friendships are unstable my relationship is unstable everything felt so unstable and I just remember like oh my god I was the day felt so fucking long yeah like it was I it was crazy because I was doing like really well in music like I released my EP I performed at the UNFO award show like I was doing all these I was in a musical like I was doing these things but I wasn't like proud of what I was it was so weird like and I didn't have anyone to celebrate it with like I can only pick myself up so much I think and I was just like I was struggling I don't even know how to really put into words but I don't maybe I was struggling for a while and I don't know maybe this was my post-athletic like struggle like and I was having anxiety I was uncomfortable um I needed I just needed someone to be there for me but everyone was busy everyone's like you know doing their own thing and I was so desperate um for change and just desperate I was desperate honestly just keyword yeah desperate I ended up getting into therapy and like I've never done therapy before um because I was like I just need something like and I just felt like you know friends can only do so much family can only do so much and I like like again the day felt so long to a point where I'm like I don't if this is what life is you don't want it I don't want it like it was not fun like I wasn't having fun I was trying to do music I was trying to make it work and like but I have no control over what happens so and everyone's so spread out like I think I was just really isolated in the desert yeah girl I was isolated and it's not me and I think the therapist really helped me to just open my eyes like I don't need to be isolated she's like why and I was like because that's what I think I need to do I need to be isolated and she was like no you don't like what do you enjoy and I was like I don't even know what I enjoy anymore I was like getting so hard on myself with like with singing and like acting like I wasn't getting booked agencies were telling me like no one would want to work with me and then I was losing friends left and right so like friends didn't want to be around me um it was so hard yeah I'm crying a lot cause I'm gonna alright let me get you tissue holy shit I just came out the trenches like a week ago so like I know it's really fresh no but I'm really proud of you I'm really proud of you thanks like you're so fucking strong and I like I remember Grace and I were asking each other questions she was like like what are you proud of about yourself I couldn't answer I couldn't answer it I was like I don't feel proud of myself at all like everyone's you know everyone's like you see online like wow you're doing all these great things you're releasing music because you're a performer and I think few people forget like when you're performing it's like you have to be on obviously and who the fuck is crying on Instagram but you know me I hide that shit yeah you're a very good performer yeah and I think at that point I was like I can't hold it in anymore um I just felt like everything was not going well and I've honestly I looked back at last year and I was like wow there were a lot of things I did even if it wasn't like financially like giving like you know what I want and like I wasn't where I wanted to be at I'm like I just wasn't grateful or I wasn't thankful for all the little things that was happening and I'm I'm a very like I love the little things in life I just didn't feel like I was celebrating it and you just lost your sparkle I I was dimming hard now a week later because I came out the trenches a week ago I didn't I actually have cried in a week I was really proud of myself I was crying for like three months straight okay babe like and and and you know me I'm very quick to like tear my like when I tore my ACL at the Olympics had a week down all right pivot yeah yeah yeah I'm really quick to pivot to pivot this I was like why is this taking so long but I think it was years of stuffing down I agree and it finally just like all came out at once and I was stuck and you're stuck and I was so stuck you were so stagnant you're isolated you have no community no community who the fuck told you that you needed to be alone because trust me when I tell you I get it like I this job is so isolating yeah and everyone's like oh boohoo you're so isolated like doing the coolest job in the world and it's like no but there are times where it's like it is very nice to celebrate with somebody or just be invited out to pick a ball yeah yeah like what we said and have a consistent thing to look forward to every week like i'm the exact same every week is different yeah and i think i was losing that sparkle and i i love work and i think i was so thankful for the the unfo show award show and i was thankful for the other shows because it made me something to look forward to yeah but i felt like my support wasn't there and i was losing friends left and right just in survival mode i was full throttle surround mode and then i just crashed and then i think after like my breakup of seven years it was just like what what do i like what do i do yeah and i i don't think i've actually ever been heartbroken before that was like that was awful i'm like i wish heartbreak upon nobody that sucked it's awful and i think it's interesting because now that i've been in therapy and she was like just go do things you want to do so i wrote a list of things that i like and i was like i love singing but i was getting really hard on myself because i was like i was working with a vocal coach so i'm like trying to get better at it yeah but now it's your job now it's my job different and with acting so i'm really critical and i and i'm hard on myself i thought that's just what a athlete that's an athlete through and through like you're just hard on yourself and i so i wrote things that had nothing to do with career and i was like i love pickleball i like golfing i like playing smash i like like video games like and i wasn't shy of it because those are things i love to do yeah and i love going on walks i love trying new matcha spots like just like try i was little things name things like and love to do and i started inviting people with me and i think going to canada for a month after the breakup then going moving to la finding community again and i and i have like new friends and at first it was really overwhelming i was like grace my roommate yeah grace glenn we were sitting there we were playing smash with like these new friends and like all the stuff and she was like wow this is our life now and i was like holy shit like it kind of snapped me back into reality a little bit i was like this is my life i am single it's been two months like i have a roommate at first i was like it feels like i'm moving backwards in college like i feel like i have a roommate like i should be moving forward like i need to keep moving forward and i felt like i was moving backwards because i'm like i feel like i'm back in college again that was like so long ago i don't want to be back in college and then so it kind of like i got really overwhelmed that night because i'm like this is my life like this could be my life for the next year or two years five years i don't know it could be my life this could be my life yeah and then i saw brielle and matea the next day and brielle and i were talking about like quantum leaping i was like she goes picture quantum leaping i'm like what is that and it's just like you know when you go through like a really hard time like i had told everyone like i feel like i'm at rock bottom like i know it may not look like it my spirit was so heavy yeah i was not okay like i was crying all the time i was not happy and it was so hard and then so that weekend i just had this eye-opening experience and i and i also talked to one of my other friends and he helped me with the award show and he i was telling him about like how i feel like i'm moving backwards and i have to restart over i'm like i'm getting older like you know it's hard you should start to panic yeah start to panic and then he was like yeah but not a lot of people get to start life over again oh my god i love that and i was like holy shit i loved that that hit me hard so that hit me then grace was like this is our life and then brielle told me i was quantum leaping quantum leaping and those three things combined i had this whole awakening literally last weekend i love this you and i are the same literally it takes like one drastic conversation conversation just to flip a switch and i was like holy because we're positive people we want to look for the good and i was like how cool is it i get to start over life i get to you skip your first divorce yeah like it like it's just everything i was like wow and then i've been in the studio and i've been so creative and like i feel like i've like found my groove and it's been so fun to like wake up every day now and feel like the day is so long yeah what are we gonna do today like what world is your oyster what's today gonna bring like today's a brand new day and i think that's the other thing i was so positive in gymnastics and then i got really negative yeah and i think pua even saw that like because i was pissing me off actually pissing me off they don't work what do you mean manifestation what so then i was like everything was just becoming a little more negative and now i i feel like i'm back yeah i told grace i was like bitch i'm back and she goes yes we've been waiting she was like my friends are like we've been waiting for you to like come back like because i i think there's it's again i realize i have the best support system like they just are there whenever i need them in the sense they were allowing me to go through the trenches yeah and they were there if i needed them and you know me i don't like asking for help so it's like i would have asked if i wanted to but i like didn't want to but i needed that time to like rediscover what my meaning of life is and my meaning of life is fearless and going after things that i love and going after my fucking dreams yeah because that's what sparks me is go is kind of being a little delulu yeah and childish yes of course and playful always and adventurous and daring but that that is me at my core and i think a lot of it was like you need to grow up you know like there's just like yeah so many outside noises and i remember the therapist being like who told you that i'm like society like everybody everybody but but i realized like that's not how real it's not real and that's not how i want to live i want to live my life as a full responsible adult but as a child at play i want to enjoy my life i want to see how good i can get yeah and push myself like i kind of thrive off that yeah and i love being pushed so it's fine i feel like now i'm in like my i feel like i'm back like i feel like i'm back in that 2018 mindset of like i can do it in the sense and why not that's the other thing why the fuck not just why not why not that one fuck around find out why not and do it scared has like oh i like that transformed my mindset and i just can't believe i still cried i'm so proud of you because you're like me and don't like crying you made me cry so i know i was like why are you i'm a sympathetic crier i don't know i can't help it god forbid she's an empath relax i know i'm an empath i love you i'm really proud of you though thanks because i'm proud of myself too i think so many fucking people can relate like starting over like i i know someone right now who's going to divorce yeah and they feel so fucking scared and they feel so overwhelmed and like they have to start over and it's like we all have these deaths and rebirths yeah and i think right now like you're in that mourning phase of your you're mourning an old relationship you're mourning a version of yourself that you thought was gonna be around a lot longer than it was yeah you're mourning so much of your identity yeah but you're also simultaneously stepping into a completely new identity and bringing it with me and i think that's really cool i think it's cool too and you i think you know in this industry you have a lot of people just like hyping you up but you don't know what to believe sometimes and i think like you know people would say like oh i'm proud of you i'm excited for you i'm like i don't know i'm not like i don't feel that and i think i just didn't feel it now i'm like yeah i am proud of myself you deserve to be proud of yourself and again when i when i look back at my gymnastics career i'm like that was crazy like for us for even me to be in that environment yeah i really really believed i was an olympian like you don't say like who says that but you are that bitch yeah and what's to say that we aren't all that bitch exactly and that's what i want to convey in my music there's space for everybody and that is exactly what i want to convey in my music i'm like you are who you think you can be yeah and you can do it and you can do it scared you can do it fearless you can do it broke no broke you can do it not knowing anything yep i don't know anything about my parents are accountants oh my god you think i knew how to make a podcast yeah your parents have doctors bro that's literally like called so many random people i was just like you worked in production do you know what camera to get do you know what tripods to use do you know what freaking lights to get like but now i'm like right now i'm just like figure out but how cool is it that i get to figure it out yeah like i feel i honestly feel rebirthed i don't know what happened you're like a phoenix from the ashes dude that's literally been the theme we've been talking about that is that gonna be a new song maybe maybe maybe i should let her cook like kind of sounds should we have in the studio should we get out of the stew and hop in another stew i mean should we go back right here you know i want to get my team i feel like we should get my like everyone on the team i think it'd be so fun because again like i just want i was like i feel like i was um i just want to be able to inspire anyone who has a dream you're going to go for it no you're going to like i already know thanks thanks i'm very excited for you thank you future is very bright i appreciate it oh my god you're back too thank god i'm back it's gonna be so freaking fun dude it is gonna be fun and that's the other thing i'm like life is so fun and i'm like so not that serious like it's not serious and i'm like but again when i was really in that down headspace i'm like is this if this is what life is i'm not looking forward to anything like i was like i'm not looking forward to having a family i mean like i just wasn't looking forward to anything yeah and now i'm like wow if that so happens to come in my path that's so cool that i get to experience that and And like, especially, yeah, those, the three things that those people said, like it was, eye-opening to me and it just it just like it had just clicked yeah like so i don't know what i can see it happen in my brain but it was just like what am i doing yeah like just enjoy it enjoy the sun enjoy your matcha enjoy like we're alive we're alive and that's all that matters we're here i'm here with you like it's like what is today gonna bring like they could bring like anything and that's so exciting and and then when i get to go in the studio i'm like i feel like i know exactly what i want to write about like i'm just so excited to be there i'm so grateful like your life is an empty canvas and now you get to put that's what it does feel it feels like an empty canvas that's really exciting and i just get to paint whatever the fuck i feel like yeah and it's kind of fun it's kind of nice let's do a little rapid fire to end our episode we i just like don't want this to end but i am so grateful that you're here so that it doesn't have to end i'm so proud of you and i can always have you on the pod whenever i want i know what i'm so proud of you gracie thanks queen okay rapid fire okay practice or performing performing skill that got you scared the most a double out full out on bars oh yeah the twisties okay skill you think you could still throw today i really think i could throw on my toe into cotton but should we hop in the gym like i really i really think i could one gymnastics rule that you would get rid of i don't remember the rules that you can't pick your wedgie in the middle of a routine yeah yeah that shit's fucked yeah i feel like some weird old pervert came up with that rule yeah right you like why do you want my ass out in the middle of my floor team should be able to do it cute and artistically let me pick my wedgie please you should yeah because that's gross it's gross yeah it's true biggest gymnastics ick biggest gymnastics ick yeah okay give me some time rapid fire there was a girl that used to pick her nose and wipe it on the wall that icked me the fuck out wait what would be my ick i have one i know it's in there biggest gymnastics ick not cheering for your teammates oh that's such an ick i mean i've been on the other side where i have a little hater yeah ew biggest gymnastic ick yeah not cheering for your teammates because i've been on the other side of that and it is not not cute it's not cute we're looking around when your teammates are going it's not cute it's not cute or just being we're all out there now i'm like ick after yeah yeah now it's flowing yeah all right beamer bars bars oh i'm just feeling bars right now because i think honestly i got on the beam the other day and i was like this is scary i was like we flipped on that this is like like in gymnastics to me now it's a full send you have to full send that oh dude i know you're you're crashing floor vault floor period same if you didn't do gymnastics what sport would you do oh probably tennis or golf gorge yeah getting a rip or landing short on a tumbling pass oh getting a rip because landing short on a tumbling pass hurts dude and at least i can deal with the stinging but like oh i agree favorite ucla gymnastics memory i mean 2018 national championship that was duh that and honestly all the games yeah yeah all the team team blue team blue i'm with team blue team blue same yeah um getting a wedgie during a floor routine or farting during a beam routine wedgie during a floor routine ass out got it flaunted but fart absolutely not oh it's like dead silent too like they don't play music or anything during game routines so it's just and there could be like a stench no no thank you if you had to start training again for la 2028 how long do you think it would take and what skill do you think would be the hardest to get back if i had a good knee if you had a full new body full new buddy like i'd be like someone about a new body not kidding um if i had a new body i think it would actually take me two years okay to get back because i actually feel pretty fit right now yeah and i think my and we got that lulu confidence confidence now and i think i train smarter and i but i think the hardest skill to get the hardest skill to get back would probably be my tone to confidence why did you pick that one then i think i can do it but i know you're so deluded that you picked your hardest skill no that's probably the hardest time to get back okay well thanks for coming on how does one end a podcast with your friend well literally so awkward like okay get the fuck off my podcast now bye bye bye wait also let me quickly just say go follow her on everything go make sure you follow her incredible story come to my concert becoming an iconic singer and a performer thank you she's quite the queen and i'm so excited to be rooting for you every step of the way i'm glad that you're back love you darling i love you darling we're gonna grab lunch now but peace out girl scout make sure you come girl scout do you always say that no oh okay that's new i want to come up with a new slogan okay wrap it up wrap it up and that's a wrap and that is a wrap i'll see you next wednesday you