Gracie & Kamila Tan on Beach Volleyball, Body Image, & Healing

It was just all too much for me to, like, bear. Yeah. And I relapsed. Like, my weight got so low, my heartbeat got so low that it was, like, in the high 30s, like, during the day. What? Yeah. So, I was close to cardiac arrest. Like, that's how it happened. That's when I was like, holy fucking shit, I need to, like, do something about this. Yeah. Because I am actually going to die. She played beach volleyball at UCLA for the very first NCAA Beach Volleyball Championship season. She became a two-time second-team All-Pac 12 and two-time second-team All-American, achieved every academic honor you can think of while playing Division I sports at UCLA, went to UCLA grad school to get a master's in public health, is an Impact Fellowship winner, and also attended USC grad school for a master's in social work. Holy moly, girl. Ah, Camila Tan, welcome to Athletes After Hours. Oh, my gosh. Best intro ever. Thank you. Of course. You're such a baddie. This is insane. Literally reading off your accolades, I'm like, you're so smart. Thank you. I love that you have this beautiful balance of athletics and academics. I think a lot of student-athletes struggle with finding that balance of really investing their time in their, you know, scholar and athleticism. Also, in the gym. So, I guess my question for you is, how did you even get into sports, and how did you balance both sports and academics? Wow, I actually don't think anyone's asked me that question, so. Really? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. I'm honored. Yeah, great job. I mean, you went to UCLA as well, so there's like. Actually using my degree for once. Yeah, you're smart as well. Yeah, I mean, I think that's a really good question. It's a really important point to bring up. I came from a very highly academically focused family. Okay. My grandpa was one of the top immunologists in the world. Oh, casual. Yeah. So, he, I mean, I grew up in a family where academics was very highly revered. There was a big importance placed on it. It was a lot of pressure at times because, like, my grandpa, he didn't make a big deal out of it, honestly. He was the most, like, humble man that I think I've ever met. And I always really admired him for that. But he would travel the world speaking about his life's work, you know, like in retirement, essentially. And he honestly wasn't even really retired until his 90s because he kept doing research and he kept being asked to speak on his work at various universities. So, he was always really encouraging me to make my academics a priority. Cool. And honestly, I mean, like, a little bit of a point of contention in my family was also that I loved athletics so much and was so passionate about it. And academics were always, like, the number one, right? So, it was always like, okay, I have to do the academic portion to, like, keep my family happy. And also, like, it makes me feel really good to get all these good grades and keep expanding my intelligence, right? But also, like, I don't know. So, like, athletics makes me so happy and it, like, sets me on fire. And also, I think one of the reasons I love beach volleyball so much is I have to use my brain all the time. It's true. Right? Yeah. So, like, there's strategy. There's all these, like, different types of players, different types of levels of play. And also, like, the way that people play the game is so different and keeps leveling up and up and up each year. And so, like, your brain has to be engaged the whole time. Oh, yeah. But you asked me, like, how did I balance it all? I don't know. I just, like… Worked my ass off. I love that, though. Yeah. I'm such a huge, like, even though it's great to work smarter, like, I love people that just put their head down and work hard. I think there's so much to say about that character development. And also, just, you're the best kind of people to hire. You're the best kind of people to work with. Like, you know what hard work is and you're not scared of it. And if anything, like, it fires you up even more. And so, I'm like… like the people that work the hardest are gonna take over the world and it's cool that you're also really smart so you can like work smart and work hard but like I think that's very cool that you you recognize that it was gonna take a lot of work and you didn't shy from it yes yeah I'm that's also a great point like I'm not afraid of hard work yeah I think that like I've never been the most talented beach volleyball player but I've always like put my head down wanted to grind wanted to learn more I've never been the most like academically like I don't know academics don't come super easy for me but I'm willing to work as hard as I can to achieve the best grade possible because like why not yeah why not push your potential and I think you holding yourself to that standard obviously speaks volumes too like you having obviously the background that you did with your family holding that standard you kind of went into it with like there's no other option I'm gonna get straight A's and I'm also gonna apply myself in the gym playing volleyball every day and you came out obviously with this like incredible list of accolades thank you you're welcome you deserve so many praises you you earned all the flowers um was there a moment in your time at UCLA where you felt like you took that standard to an extreme or where it became kind of like toxic I guess hmm , because I know for me I did like yeah I held myself to such an impossible standard where it it felt so heavy and like daunting to continue to like maintain that yes yeah I think with my academics honestly I I had a pretty good balance of what I could manage I majored in psychology at UCLA so it definitely wasn't like the hardest major to me but I think It was a lot of memorization and a good bit of writing. And then I had a lot of G's that I really enjoyed and like music and other sciences and arts. So like there was a great there was a great balance there that I had that academically felt pretty manageable for me. But I mean, on the athletic side, definitely, because I'm sure that we'll get into it. But yeah, I developed anorexia and that was, you know, like the drive for perfectionism and and wanting to be like the best athlete I could be and wanting to fit in. Right. Which, you know, given the environment that I was in was definitely, definitely exacerbated by, you know, like high pressure athletics. And. And certain mindsets that were like in the culture of being an elite athlete at the time. And and so to that end, yes, I did push it to an extreme. It became toxic. And I don't think it really had much to do with my academics, like not that balance, but definitely like other factors. Yeah. That were very extreme. Yeah. At what point in your athletic career did you kind of notice it start? Like what triggered, do you think, this level of, you know, extreme with eating and food noise? Like where did you notice it the most? Yeah. So I had transferred from UC San Diego. I played indoor at UC San Diego. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. I played there for two seasons. Wow. While Ricky Luties was coaching there. OK. So like Ricky was one of the greats of beach volleyball and he played at the same time with like cards. And Sinjin and that golden era of beach volleyball. My dad knows Sinjin. Really? Well, and his son played at UCLA, right? Yeah. Yes. Oh, my gosh. OK. It's all coming together. Yeah. Hagen. Cool. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, totally. So, yeah, I played under Ricky while he was coaching at UCSD. And back then, UCSD was still D2. And then when I heard that UCLA was starting a beach program, I hit up Stein after I got my release from Ricky. And just. And then I asked if he was taking players and. Cool. Oh, my gosh. He like, he came out to watch me play at one CBBA tournament, like watched me pepper. And then he left. Didn't even watch you play a game. He didn't even watch you play. He watched you pepper. He was like, that was the best pepper of my life. And he like called me later and he was like, yeah, you're on the team. What? You just saw your height and he's like, period. I was like so stressed out because I was like, mom, he's like, he doesn't want me. Yeah, I would be too. I'd be like, oh, my God, he saw me for three seconds and he's out like, OK. Yeah, wait, that's amazing. For those of you that don't know, peppering is like a volleyball drill where you just literally pass back and forth. There's nothing really crazy about it. So the fact that he literally just watched you pass that hit and then said, yeah, you're on, babe. He maybe watched me serve like twice. That's like having a coach like recruit me and watch me probably do like a cartwheel. Yeah. And be like sold. Yep. You're in one backflip. Done. Done. That's all I needed. I love it. That is so funny. So then you ended up going to beach volleyball and you had you been playing beach volleyball before that at all? Or was this kind of a completely new sport for you? It was, so I played, I started playing beach volleyball in high school. Okay. And back, way back then, beach volleyball was just like an emerging sport. Yeah, still really new. Yeah. So San Diego, I grew up in San Diego. So 692 Beach Volleyball Club was the club that I was a part of. And I was like the inaugural like class, I guess. Yeah. When Jeff Smith started that club, I was like one of the first girls to ever play in it. And then at UCLA, I was the first beach volleyball athlete to play at UCLA. That's why Stein just like saw me pepper and was like, yeah, sure. Because he's like, there's no standard because we have no one else to compare you to. Basically, yeah. Like he knew I was good enough, I guess, by like researching me and seeing who I was. And he was like, yeah. He's probably seen you do a lot of indoor as well and knew that you're skills would translate. I honestly have no idea. I have no idea. Well, blessing and blessing in the stars, I guess. I guess so. Yeah. But yeah, there was just it was just such a brand new program. And and when I transferred in, there was me and one other girl who was doing her fifth year at UCLA. Her name was Maddie Smith. And the two of us would like go play at Sunset Rec and Sunset Rec had like horrible courts at that time. I remember. Yeah. Two inches deep. They were so shallow. So shallow. And Stein was like, don't dive because you'll hurt yourself. And we were like, OK. Cool. Isn't volleyball all about diving? Yeah. Yeah. So then we were like playing beach volleyball with pads on. Honestly, we probably should have on those courts. Yeah. And then we would drive out to Santa Monica three times a week. Wow. Yeah. OK. Yeah. So and like the rest of the indoor team filled out our team. Oh, so then they would just. OK. Kind of like savvy. Yeah. Simo, where she just did both sports. Exactly. Because you guys had off seasons, right? Yes. OK. Yeah. That's a trip. Yeah. So to answer your question, like the thing that brought me all to this was you asked me, like, when did it start to get toxic for you? Yeah. Well, I was transferring into this like brand new program, like didn't even have my own locker room, didn't even have my own team. Yeah. You know, like it was like a little bit isolating because I didn't like the indoor girls were like that squad. And then they were probably so tight as well. Super tight. So clicky. Super tight. And then you were the outsider. Yeah. And I was just like this sucks. Kind of like a nobody from San Diego. You know, like that's just kind of what it felt like. This like D2 girl that transferred in for like a brand new beach program. And yeah, they were all really tight. And I was like trying to make friends. But it was like it was just kind of weird. And I was also like really shy at the time. It's so tough. Yeah. So making girlfriends is also so hard. It is hard. I don't think people talk about it enough. Like, yeah, making friends in college is really challenging. It is. And that's why being on a team is always great. But it's like it's different when they're already an established team and then you're just there by yourself. Right. And then that other girl probably already graduated. And you're like, cool. Yeah. Well, and Maddie, like she she was already friends with all of them. Yeah. You know. So she was like really well. She's like she's already there for a while. Yeah. She was playing indoor there. Yeah. Yeah. So like that was a really tough season for me. Just like trying to figure out where I fit. And also like I was actually like struggling with binge eating at that time because that was kind of how I was managing like those emotions. And then and then I was like, OK, I have to figure out how to like kind of get through this emotional eating stuff. And so I just kind of like flipped the other direction. Because I was like, I want to eat healthy so that I can, you know, elevate my game and also like take care of my body better. You're trying to control your controllables. Yeah. And just like very innocently. Yeah. You know, it wasn't like it didn't start out as me wanting to like restrict myself. I just I just wanted to be a better athlete. But eventually what it turned into was like, oh, I started losing weight and then I started receiving compliments. And then I started feeling like I was fitting in. And then like people were treating me differently and then like starting to get more attention from boys, you know, and then it's like this huge snowball effect and then I can't stop. It reaffirms all the stuff that you tell yourself in your head. And then you're like, oh, shit, I'm in a lot deeper than I thought. Right. Oh, girl, that is so relatable as well. I mean, I don't know if you know this, but I also had one that developed my sophomore. Year at UCLA. Yeah. And like mine was because I got benched my my freshman year at Nationals because I didn't perform to my best that season. And so I lost my credential literally like the head coach was just like, I need your credential. We have someone else that earned the spot. Like you basically didn't earn it at the end of the season. And like they took away your badge from you. Like I couldn't go on the floor and see the blaze. Yeah. Oh, I had to sit in the stands with my parents. Yeah. It was crazy. It was really, really hard. Oh, my God. My heart. I know. And so and like being a little freshman, I was a walk on and I knew thankfully I'm not I've never really subscribed to the victim mentality. So like immediately when it happened, I like didn't even feel bad for myself. I was like, I could have prevented this. Wow. I blamed yourself. Completely blamed myself. I was like, this was fully 100 percent in my control and I did not take advantage of this incredible opportunity. To be on this team. Wow. And I just beat myself up for it. Trained literally like six hours a day every day in the summer to like come back and prove myself. And so at that point, I literally like took it to such an extreme. Wow. And to be fair, also, like in the summer when you're in California, it's kind of this weird thing. But like, I mean, you're in your bikini all the time. You're going to the beach with your friends after training. Yeah. You're rushing from practice to go hang out with your friends and be social because you're trying to have. You're trying to have a balance. You're not really eating because you're like zooming from one thing to another. And next thing you know, you're skinnier because of it. But then everyone, again, is complimenting you. You're getting attention. Yeah. I'm now like kind of, yeah, getting attention for the first time. And I'm also being social for the first time. Right. And. Same thing happened to me. Yeah. And also, I don't think people talk about this enough either. But like California. Is like a very normal, normalized place for like not eating very much. Like it's like and I'm a competitive person. So like if someone would say like, oh, my God, I didn't eat today. I'd be like, shit, I did. Right. And in my head, I'm like, I need to not eat tomorrow. Right. Because that girl looks amazing and she didn't eat today. And it's like, I think when you're around that and it becomes normalized, it's just like you just forget that it's like not normal. Right. And I think, yeah. I think it's like, I think it's like, I think it's like, I think it's like, I think it's like, I think it's like, I think it's like, I think it's like, I think it's like, I think it's like, I think it's like, I think it's like, I think it's like, I think it's like, you know, you jump into gymnastics season, you're in a freaking leotard. It's like, cool. And I got to prove myself. I have this chip on my shoulder. And it's, it's definitely a spiral. And it's, it's a lot faster than I think we realize. Yeah. I can go downhill real fast. Yeah. Did you like realize while you were in it that it was bad and then you just still continued? Or did you just kind of have this inability? This inability to recognize that it was like toxic for you? I mean, gosh, I don't know if this happened to you, but like when you're getting so much positive reinforcement like that, you really don't think that you're doing anything wrong. That part actually. Yeah. No, you're so right for that. And I think too, it's like, you're still performing. I mean, we're kind of freak athletes. Like the fact that we were still able to perform with basically being like fully malnourished. Right. Kind of insane. Yeah. Imagine if we actually ate. Right. Yeah. Imagine. Nine time All-American. You know what I mean? Yes. It's actually, it's actually insane. Like to think about, to be like, oh, what if I actually gave my body the nourishment and love it deserved? Like how insane. Oh, it's so insane. Did you guys do bod pod at UCLA? Yeah. Okay. Same. Oh, so now we're trauma bonded for like a year. Life. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So I need to explain the bod pod because this is actually the most insane thing ever. Um, hopefully it's banned by now. Um, just for the girlies. You sit in an egg. Do you want to explain it? Well, okay. You sit in an egg. Sports bra and like spandex. Booty shorts. Right. Yeah. Like basically as little. And a swim cap. Clothing. Yes. The ugliest swim cap. The ugliest swim cap ever. Hair in a bun. Hair in a bun. You look, you look like an egg. In an egg. You look like you're about to get hatched. Bears. So vulnerable. So vulnerable. Like a little baby. You're just like, you're just like a little baby. A little fetus in the womb, if you will. Oh my God. I'm so glad we can like make light of this now. I know. Yeah. And you just like sit in the egg and it beeps at you. I don't know if you've ever heard of it. been in like an MRI machine but it kind of just feels like it's not nearly as loud as an MRI machine and it does this weird pressure thing have you noticed that I had I my sophomore year I remember no it was my freshman year my freshman year I punctured my eardrum I got really sick before a flight to like Arizona State we were competing against them and I had like an ear infection and I went to blow my nose out and I burst my eardrum and since then anytime I went in the bod pod it hurt because they would pressure it's like a pressurized egg that measures your body fat percentage and they literally have the screen and the monitor set up right there and you can look at it I didn't good for you I was a curious gal I'm like let me see that I actually I don't think that they allowed me to look at it once I was diagnosed with an eating disorder yeah no I'm shocked they even let you in there in the first place but I guess maybe to monitor to help you at that point I mean they did it before like because I wasn't I wasn't flagged for an eating disorder until I started losing weight so like I came back so I finished my sophomore year at UCLA and like hadn't lost anything really and then like I over the summer between my sophomore and junior year oh wait no between my junior and senior year I lost like 30 pounds or something like it was yeah it was crazy and then like I had lost my menstrual cycle by that point and that's when you knew that it was that's yeah that's when UCLA was like and then and then like this is not a good situation and so yeah and then I think that's when they started like blind weighing me and and turning away the the numbers yeah they're like yeah yeah but I think I still I did it throughout like my four for my four seasons there yeah I remember doing it like all the time not all the time but like they had me do it at the frequency that everybody else was doing it yeah because I think we did it um pre-season so it was like right after summer and then I don't know if we did it mid-season but it was like right maybe right when season started and then we did it at the end of season and I think right before summer or something yeah but yeah did they ever have anything in place if you were overweight because we did yeah I mean I imagine for gymnastics it's even more cutthroat than or like even more serious than it's pretty yeah they run a strict program over there we we did not thankfully okay um it was just more so like the commentary like yeah I I remember a couple comments from coaches that I was just like whoa why would you say that to a player regarding like body or like workout yeah like what style or to be honest I don't even want to say it on the podcast really yeah just like I just I would rather not but like it's damn it's just unfortunate that like those kinds of comments were made like um that's not okay yeah one time a coach said to a player like hey do you ever do any workouts outside of practice and she was like no and and the coach just was like huh and like turned away and that sits with you yeah I don't even I like I don't even know why they felt the need to ask that question I don't know why they felt the need to ask that in front of the entire team it certainly like sat with me yeah you know like as I watched that play out um I was like not that didn't sit right with me no you know um but also and you're also thinking like well what are they saying about me right you know like I think it kind of creates that weird lack of trust in the coaching staff or just the support system that you're supposed to be able to lean on now you're like are they judging me are they looking at what I'm weighing are they you know yeah like are they talking about me behind my back and saying I look a certain way I don't know I just think that definitely does open up the door to like read into it a little too much totally and I mean I just don't think that any coaches should be commenting on our body whatsoever I don't think any human should ever yeah comment on another person's body yeah I think that that's just it should be illegal arrested arrested immediate ticket you just got fined for being a weirdo 250 literally like I don't think people genuinely understand like there has been far more harm than good from commenting on people's bodies far like 85 percent more harmful than good like sure compliment every now and again you look amazing thank you good let's move on right you know like even the other day literally yesterday I'm playing volleyball I go to the green store and I'm literally just grabbing a sandwich to go play because I'm like trying my best to feel my body in between playing yeah and this drunk dude comes up to me and he's like oh my god your arms jacked can we not that's literally been my biggest insecurity pretty much my entire life really yes and like but people wouldn't know that thank you but people wouldn't know that and it's like so then don't say anything like you don't know what people actually are insecure about right even if it's silly like I know that my insecurity is silly but it's deep-rooted right because it's like back when I was in high school like boys weren't asking me out they were asking to arm wrestle do you know what I mean yeah and I think that's where the like kind of issues started to stem of just like people making comments about your body should be off limits I don't know that's just a me thing but like I really try to be mindful about that because it's just like even if it's positive again like we talked about it's like you don't really know what someone's doing to their body so if you're yes saying something positive you might be reinforcing some really negative behavior that and that's where it gets really sketchy yeah I mean it's just like it's not wise because somebody could be fine with it or somebody could take that and run with it yeah and like if everybody was just a little bit more about what they're saying I think like a lot of that could be avoided 100 you know like what people were saying to me when I was sick with anorexia and like 40 pounds underweight was like incredibly complimentary from their standpoint but like incredibly harmful for me to hear yeah right and so like yeah I mean I I catch myself sometimes being like oh my god you look great but like is that actually helpful you know it could it could be harmful if I don't know how that person's treating themselves and so like yeah it's just definitely something to be mindful about for me like for me in beach volleyball everyone was always like commenting on other people's abs like the stomach that's so toxic like and especially genetically like some people just can't have abs like me I have a long ass torso I will probably have abs till I'm 80 yeah I'm just built that way because I have short legs but like I was really insecure about my arms and my legs because I'm shorter right so like we all have our things you know yeah but it's like if you have a shorter torso it's really hard to have abs and like why are we even talking about it in the first place like so silly yeah and it just and like why is that even why relevant yeah why is it relevant and why is that like a status symbol and why like why is that desirable a medal of honor yes yeah like that you're so lean that you have abdominal muscles and like you give the body of an athlete right what does that even mean at this point right look at alona marsh she's a fucking athlete I love her I know she's such an icon she's amazing and she's doing god's work because she's healing so many women's expectations and standards for what beauty and and athleticism should look like and I think that like these types of conversations are also going to help a ton because I think kind of knocking down these insane beauty standards and also just the topics as a whole like guys the way we look is the least interesting thing about us that like what if we compliment each other on our strength and our resilience and our kindness and our ability to adapt like those are the things I want to be complimented on not how I look that day because also then you hit your luteal phase and you're like bloated and now you're insecure and all your worth is wrapped up in what you look like right and I truly believe like the most beautiful people on earth are the most insecure because so many people say that about how they look so then now all of their identity is wrapped up in their in their image and how they're presented and how they're perceived and so that's why I always try to avoid like putting someone's worth in their beauty or in their physique or whatever it is because again it's like the moment you have you know maybe you gain weight maybe you get pregnant maybe you you know are in your luteal phase and you're just bloated or you're just having a bad body day like now your worth is gone like now you're crashing the fuck out none of it's bad like our bodies change they're meant to change it's a vessel yeah that carries you and also that supports you and like if we can't do our sport because we're not nourishing our body like that's the problem yes not what we look like that point yeah yeah I mean thank god I didn't get to that point honestly I was close like I was really good at hiding it didn't get to that point me too yeah I'm so sorry that you did yeah that sucked yeah I bet it sucked yeah so at what point were you like this is enough I'm done like I need help it was actually it was actually after I graduated UCLA that I had to like really take time off because I mean they at UCLA they did monitor me so like I I wasn't allowed to keep losing weight right so like I they would weigh me once a week I'd go see a dietician I um was mandated to go see a therapist and like did you go to CAPS yeah I went to CAPS um and it honestly like wasn't nearly enough therapy for what I needed at the time but but at the very least they were like medically monitoring me and making sure that like my heart was in a stable place because with anorexia like you can go into cardiac arrest really yes anorexia has the highest death rate of any mental illness um behind opiate addiction I just got chills holy shit what yes girls listen up that's crazy yeah so like that's also why talking about restriction is so important because like it could literally kill you yeah yeah and like it usually doesn't when people are young right like especially like if we're so athletic and we already have like good cardio strong hearts you know um there's a lower chance of it happening but like the death rates are still really high or like extreme medical complications like early onset osteoporosis because you lose your period yeah and your bone density is gonna get yeah density drops yeah like um fertility issues that's why I started eating again was I learned that it could affect my children and my ability to have kids later in my life and I was like oh absolutely not I went mama bear without even being a mom I was like no no no no nothing's gonna affect my future children like that's where I was like okay fuck the beauty standards I need to take care of myself now because my future self is depending on it yeah and I think that's where I the lights came on and you know I flipped a switch and was able to rationalize a little bit more and be a little bit more smart and mindful about it yeah because it wasn't about me anymore right and it wasn't about how I looked it was about this is like a real thing and I know that a lot of women struggle with it because of their past and that's terrifying right it's insane like I didn't want to be 50 and be breaking bones from like no tripping off a curb you know yeah like no like you were thinking about your future self and you're like well yeah I mean it got to that point after it like after I graduated I'm unfortunately I wasn't able to like overcome the hump while I was in school yeah um but when you're in that kind of survival mode in which like the eating disorder serves you somehow right like anorexia was like helping me fit in helping me get seen like helping like in my mind was kind of like what I needed to do in order to like be good enough right which is like so sad to say so sad to say but like we have warped thinking when we're in that state of mind like you you justify so much behavior that like now looking back seems ridiculous like but it's just when you're like sick like you're sick like you just can't help but look for every reason to kind of reaffirm those thoughts that you have about yourself right you look for reasons to kind of reaffirm those thoughts that you have and it's just it sucks that it took you know leaving your sport yeah hi guys I hope you're loving the episode as much as I am but first we gotta talk about I am eight you guys know how much I love doing gymnastics filming training like a pro athlete attempting new sports traveling 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health on a daily basis I am eight is such an easy and convenient way to enhance your routine go to im8.com slash Gracie right now or click on the link in the description and use code Gracie for a free welcome kit five free travel sachets plus 10% off your order that's code Gracie at im8health.com slash Gracie code Gracie at im8health.com slash Gracie now let's get back to the episode did you have a good relationship with volleyball when you left or were you kind of resentful of it oh that's that's also a really good question um when I left there was a huge part of me that was like devastated because um I was like the first athlete on the beach volleyball team there you know like there specifically to play beach I would have like given everything for UCLA yeah you know like I would have done anything for that sport for the team for the coaches like I had essentially like sold my soul I was like yeah I love this school I love this sport like I love doing what I do um and so like when I graduated oh man we were like so close to winning the natty when I was there really and then when I graduated like serious sponsor came on the next year and um and they had like a stacked team and I got they were so good they were so good because they were there when I was there and I remember that yeah and so I watched them win the natty without me with like basically my same team with like everybody except for me right so like it was like gut-wrenching devastating like I couldn't even verbalize that then yeah but like after all the therapy I've done and like looking back on it I was just like so heartbroken that I wasn't a part of it anymore yeah because you felt like you deserved to be there because you gave so much to that program yeah like wow I'm even like I'm getting emotional just like thinking about it but like yeah I gave everything and it felt like it didn't pay off somehow yeah like um and so that triggered like that triggered a big relapse like at that point I went into grad school for a master's in public health and like I really wanted to go pro but again I was like like toggling with um kind of like the battle between academics and athletics like my family was like grad school grad school and I was like I still have juice in the tank yes yeah but I have like so much potential but also like I'm trying to recover from this eating disorder and so like I don't know how much I should push myself and then like the loss of structure of like having a team and having like a sport and having practices like it was just all too much for me to like bear yeah um and I relapsed and then like I my weight got so low my heartbeat got so low that it was like in the high 30s like during the day what yeah so I was close to cardiac arrest like oh my god how I that's how it happened and that's when that's when to answer your question that's when I was like holy fucking shit I need to like do something about this yeah because I am actually gonna die if I don't yeah yeah um and man I remember like I had a panic attack in the middle of the night one night and I was just like I'm gonna die if I don't change and I called my mom at like 1 a.m um and my mother who's like an angel she had done all this research on like the best health insurance for anorexia and like the best treatment centers for anorexia and so like UC San Diego thank god is like one of the top treatment centers for treating eating disorders oh it's close to home yeah good so yeah like my parents like packed me up the next day like came my dad or like two days later my dad came up and like helped me move out of my apartment and I like went and got evaluated by a doctor down there and then they hospitalized me wow and I had to yeah so I went into like inpatient hospitalization at Rady Children's Hospital because they have like a medical behavioral unit so they can monitor you like overnight while you sleep oh good um I just got chills yeah oh yeah so he's in the hospital they said oh like maybe you'll be here for like 48 hours just until your heart kind of like restabilizes um but I was there for two and a half weeks holy shit took me that long to like to restabilize wow yeah because I like my heart had to get up to 45 the standard was like 45 beats per minute okay um overnight and it had to maintain that overnight in order for me to be discharged like that was like the standard for your poor little heart yeah she was like fighting for her life yes damn dude yeah that's so scary it when you were in the hospital did it click that you were like okay like I need to change kind of like did that like flip a little bit I had accepted it at that point it was like the couple months like there were like two months leading up to um and here's where I get like really spiritual about this because like there were a couple months leading up to when i just decided to actually like go get help um that i just kept hearing the same messages from people over and over again weird yeah so like actually like ally wheeler's dad came up to me at manhattan beach open i was like and he's known me because he like was watching me compete against his daughter at usc um for like many years and so he had like seen me play he'd kind of like seen me like lose weight and whatnot um and he just came up to me and he was like hey like people really care about you and that's all he said that's all he said stop i'm gonna cry yeah yeah like people really care about you camilla and you like deserve to be happy you really do just like i don't know yeah and then like i remember i was like walking out of class in grad school at ucla one time this like random guy just came up to me and he said like i god told me to tell you that just like everything is going to be okay and and you deserve to be happy healthy and well and then he just like walked away yeah and then there was like this lady um natasha nelson uh she lives in hermosa beach and she's also like a mental health coach like um she has her own and she's also a chiropractor and i was like playing in a tournament one day and she just like came and sat next to me and she was like hey like you're gonna be okay like you deserve to be happy healthy and well you know like the same message that is so wild over and i'm like literally crying you guys yeah that's so gnarly whoa and it was just like pure messages of kindness and support from people i did not know yeah like god was literally speaking to you through these people yes holy crap yeah wow i've had a lot of god testaments on this podcast amazing it's really cool like i'm not i feel like i'm in my like sadly like my spiritual hiatus like i feel like i've struggled a lot with like making god a priority and so the fact that like i've had so many people i'm like this is crazy wild yeah cool why am i crying so much can i hold your hand that's so crazy i'm just so happy that they said something to you maybe because like like i don't know the world needs you you know the world needs you oh my god i'm a mess i'm not usually the first one to cry on these things i'm usually the sympathetic crier that just really hit different i don't know why whoa yeah okay i'm good i love you i love you too i'm so proud of you dude that is so wild and for you to still be playing is like the craziest part yeah like you healed and you did the work to be able to show up for your sport again and and commit to something that you love and find find the love again and i think that's where i kind of wanted to ask you like how did you do that because i know a lot of people ask me you know i feel like i fell out of love for my sport i feel like it's because of you i feel like it's because of you i feel like it's because of you i feel like i'm toxic and then they want to leave yeah but and we just watched you know alissa leo like leave her sport love her fellow bruin yes but like leave her sport when it got toxic and come back and win freaking gold like iconic iconic and i think that that's so important for people to know that there is always that opportunity to leave your sport and if you want to come back to it when you're passionate again or when you miss it yeah like how did you know when it was time and safe to go back to beach volleyball yeah um well for for like the eating disorder recovery because i've given you my list i have a lot i have a lot of stories i have a lot of overcoming that i did um and this is only part of it which is the craziest part but um for the eating disorder recovery it was all like i was monitoring myself and like and and trusted my body again to like be able to handle the demands of of beach volleyball because beach volleyball is like such a physically demanding sport you're like you're out in the the hot sun and you're sweating your your body weight out in water and like your electrolytes have to be good and then like your your weight has to be stable enough to be able to like manage those those fluctuations and and also your like muscle capacity has to be crazy and i think that's a big part of it and i think that's a big part of it with all the explosive movements that we do yeah um so like for me i had lost my period for four and a half years and i wow four and a half years yeah like i was sick i was very oh my god deep in yes um so for me it was like really important that i re-established my menstrual cycle yeah and had it consistently before i stepped back onto the court because i was like like you said i'm gonna have kids one day yeah i am not going to put them at risk any longer right like i'm gonna get my menstrual cycle back and also like i need to make sure my bone density is okay yeah i am like blessed with bone genetics let's go again you're a freak athlete thank god your body could just withstand and i have to like shout out to my parents for this one because like my dad's a freak athlete and also they like put me in every single sport under the sun when i was really a kid yeah so like i think i just developed really good bone density from like being such a high level athlete for so long let's go shout out the tan fam i know thank you specifically my dad my dad's the my dad's a sports fanatic so i love it yeah so um i i was lucky like my bone density did go down yeah while i while i oh so you got it tested and everything yeah wow i had a couple of dexa scans and like you could see the decrease oh shit yeah yeah but like thankfully it still stayed within the normal range i was like yeah i was very blessed in that regard so um so but like re-establishing my cycle was and i'm on my period now hey let's go in my luteal feeling nice and bloaty but i'm like so happy about it like every time i get my period now i'm like you have gratitude i'm so grateful that's really cool like oh i feel like shit but i am like yeah i'm really at least i have her i'm bleeding like thank you like it's it's it's and i like never thought i would say that when when it was gone because like to some degree you feel better when you don't have one because like you don't have to go through all the you don't have to worry about playing like shit when your hormones are dropping you know right yeah yeah and like the mood swings and yeah you know everything that comes with it um but yeah now i'm just like wow what a blessing it is to like be able to reproduce and have my healthy hormones that's so cool like it is a gift yeah that's amazing we did have a little walk o'clock recently and that was our first time ever meeting which i think is kind of insane because i feel like i've known you for forever shout out my chiropractor for connecting me to you because shout out casey wood because literally also i never met you at ucla which is wild wild yeah but you came in or you graduated in 2017 yes and i came in at 2017 oh so we had one year together i think and then that was it so yeah tough but i'm so glad that the universe brought us together now because you're such a light as are you oh thank you but we did talk about injuries and you've had kind of a gnarly battle with some injuries now oh my gosh casey knows this yeah we should bring him on but like he should he should say here chasing a professional career is no joke it's not for the weak and yeah tell me about this journey with your injuries yeah oh my gosh um okay so i mean injuries i thankfully i don't know how this happened but i never got severely injured while i was battling anorexia you know like neither did i yeah my body was somehow like incredibly resilient and that's really not everybody's path like no i'm a psychotherapist now so i see people with eating disorders in my practice and like very often they have coinciding injuries just because like their body isn't able to handle the stress of being malnourished or like we're having those big fluctuations in nourishment when your bone density is struggling right yeah like i yeah i could see that like people getting stress fractures very easily because of the impact from sport like it's already hard enough on our bodies as is yeah yeah and then put on top of that not eating right yeah yeah so that like wasn't my story which i was really grateful for um but then after i recovered from anorexia um and then like the pandemic hit right which like put a halt on pretty much all professional athletics for a while um and in my career good thing or bad thing horrible thing sobbed it was like how did i do that i was like how you felt about my wedding and addy yeah i was like devastated i think any time like anything that you wanted so desperately is ripped away is just it's a level of pain and and kind of grief that you really it is grief you have to grieve that yeah yeah like i agree i yeah i firmly believe it's the reason i still do gymnastics to this day i never got closure oh yeah which is like cool but also am i okay sounds like some inner child work needs to be explored yeah you know sports swap is healing my inner child so at least that's good yeah yeah never got to do sports growing up so now we're doing it okay at the right age of 27 i mean you still have so many years left to like do all these different things but yeah love it okay so when did you get injured i just yeah um so 2020 i think yeah 2020 so obviously like pandemic hit um i graduated with my master's in public health that year period period and then my brother also got diagnosed with brain cancer which was like like around the same time that you graduated so back up graduated in 2017 um started the master's at ucla had to take like six months off from that to go heal from the eating disorder right because like the whole relapse happened um and then came back to my master's where i like received the impact fellowship for writing that congratulations by the way thanks yeah that was yeah wait how did you win it i wrote a poem that's like 10 pages long wow eating disorder recovery i'll send it to you yeah i want to read it you'll cry again perfect i love crying um yeah that's so impactful yeah it was it was a really special thing that just kind of like flowed out of me just like one night wow yeah um and then i submitted it and it won wow um i also have like a video recording of it congratulations thanks that's huge yeah that was that was like that was really cool to be able to like turn my story into art yeah yeah absolutely yeah um so yeah and then i we were doing like online school at that point because the pandemic hit and we had to like shift everything online i graduated didn't even have a graduation ceremony um for that master's because of the pandemic yeah yeah yeah um and then my brother got diagnosed with brain cancer like shortly after that um within that same year and um about a month after he got diagnosed i was just playing tennis with my dad to like blow off steam like one change of direction and my ligament and my ankle just snapped and i like i just heard a pop like went down excruciating pain i slammed into the like my ankle like snapped and then i slammed into the ground so um so i was like oh my god like it was so intense but i was like i just gotta walk this off like my brother has cancer i can't like yeah put all this pressure on my family i gotta find a way to take care of myself like so i was living with my family at the time and i went to my pt um who i've seen for years down there she was like really helpful um when i was in high school and she just thought it was a sprain so my god and like this is the first injury i've ever like first major injury i'd had in my life so i didn't like go to an orthopedic surgeon you know yeah i didn't think i needed to um and like all the stress of what was going on with my family so you were trying to keep the spotlight off you kind of and like i knew i needed help but it was i felt like really weird asking for any sort of help with this because you're like my problems are so much smaller right yeah yeah so i just like wrapped it up and hobbled around oh my god dude um and like started doing pt rehab i should have at least had it in a boot or something yeah you know um and then like four months later i finally go and got it mri'd and they were like yeah your anterior talofibular ligament is like fully torn and you have like a cartilage defect because like that's where i like slammed into the floor oh shit um casual yeah so and you were hobbling along on a fully torn ligament yeah that's not chill at all not good no definitely not good that's really gnarly yeah so i didn't get surgery on it which was also another dumb decision but again like my brother's battling brain cancer like i'm stressed i didn't want to like give up physical activity by that point i was already rehabbing it and like my rehab was actually going well like the swelling was going down and uh my pt was like well if you don't need surgery like don't get it you know um but i don't think honestly like love for you i don't think that she really thought i was gonna go pursue professional athletics again fair and and so she thought like this is a manageable amount right for a normal person right but when you're pushing yourself as a professional athlete right different very different like especially running in the sand are you kidding me if you've ever run in the sand you know it's like not chill on the ankles your ankles need to be intact yes and they need to be very sturdy because you're going to be hitting really hard and you're going to be hitting really hard and left and right right yeah so um long story short to that like i rehabbed the ankle it went fine um but then because of the instability in my ankle that was like kind of chronic and it like really stiffened up i tore my meniscus in my right knee um playing like a fun volleyball tournament one day and that and then like i got ended up getting a partial meniscectomy on that one first because it was just like so painful like it was like sliding around in there um rehabbed that and then i got surgery on my left ankle because i finally just realized that like there's there's no might as well yeah there's no avoiding it i need to like just like reconstruct that ligament essentially and make sure that my ankle is sturdy if i ever want to have a chance at competing at the highest level i was gonna say you're investing in your future self you're doing it for future you because you knew that deep down you were going to want to get back into athletics so you were gonna have to have your ankle intact yes and i actually like i waited until my brother passed away to get the surgery because it was i knew it was going to be so intense yeah um to heal from that and i also like i think i was dealing with so much stress and i was so afraid of losing him and honestly going through so much grief yeah that like i couldn't imagine not walking for like six weeks well yeah you know like healing not being there to for your family yeah during that time like you yeah you toughed it out to be able to be present for them yeah wow yeah yeah but how crazy was it to sit in that grief and be bedridden for six weeks like that's i think way worse because you're forced to sit in it yeah i mean like looking back it might have been actually good if i like did it while he was still here because i would have just like hung out with him sat there with him yeah yeah yeah um but you know hindsight is always 20 20 um i just like i love him so much yeah um um yeah i like after i got the surgery i honestly went to the hospital and i was like i'm gonna go to a period of like i shoved that grief down um and i thought that i was feeling through it but i really wasn't i was just like distracting myself with a lot of things i was doing my master's in social work yeah to like become a become a psychotherapist and i was really distracting myself with school and with the rehab and what ended up happening was i got functional neurological disorder what is that um a really trippy thing where like the the neuropathways in your brain that um that have to do with like movement pain like all these areas of your limbic system so like heart rate breathing movement pain patterns um everything that's automatic that we don't really think about like in your limbic system if you're suppressing your emotions and uh going through enough like trauma those things can get mixed up oh so you know like have you heard of like somaticizing symptoms like yes um like instead of feeling grief you might have pain going down your leg i was gonna say i process trauma through my body right so like i like my hands go numb my body yes like my legs will go numb right um i'll have like tightness in my chest like i feel everything in my body first yes before i go to sleep i feel everything in my body before i go to sleep i feel everything in my head i'm the same way okay yeah so i basically have like a very like wait do i have that no you don't okay okay i treat it now okay great i'm like self-diagnosing like webmd assessing you right now do not do not never webmd is a big no no my dad's a doctor okay i can't that's bad i just call him my dad is my webmd good good yeah no dr google no dr google here it's not a good idea um so you developed this because you were shoving trauma down and you had so much trauma built up in your body right that your body just kind of lost yeah some connections everything went haywire it basically started having seizure-like movements without actual seizures yeah what yeah it was nuts um i went to this meditation retreat and like during the meditation retreat we were like experiencing you know like movements in our bodies as like the energy like moved through us or like blah blah blah um and my the neuropathways in my brain basically like didn't stop facility those movements like they got stuck on them because i was in such a fight or flight state already yeah so like if you're in a sustained state of fight or flight your your brain can basically like take something that you felt like let's say you like went through the stomach flu and you have like nausea and stomach pain and um and it can like keep sending those signals okay in order to like protect you from grief wild or like distract you from anxiety right literally just a survival technique yes exactly yeah because like imagine a tiger chasing you and your limbic brain is going to do whatever it needs to do in order to either keep you running or shut you down yeah right and so like one of the ways it can shut you down is through pain or symptoms um basically like taking your ability to like engage with life and just like pulling you out of it wow so it's like a very protective and like loving part of your life yeah right but it's like really uncomfortable yeah when you have 30 different symptoms that you can't explain yeah um and and like doctors are telling you like it's all in your head or you're crazy like these symptoms don't literally just full-blown gas let you well yeah because like every test is coming back normal yeah and like thank god it was coming back normal but i was like no i feel very wrong yeah something's super off yes yeah like my knee is swelling up like a balloon and i'm also dizzy and i feel like i'm gonna black out and i'm having seizure-like movements and i can't sleep and like i'm having a hyperthyroid issue and like and you're telling me it's all in my head right it's so crazy what stress can do to the body like i've seen stress show up in so many scary ways and so many different people in my life and like realizing that it's just like we just need to take care of ourselves and have some balance it's like right sometimes that's just the other way around and i'm like i'm not gonna do that i'm not gonna do that i'm not gonna answer it's so it's such a trip to me that like it can show up in those different ways right but it sucks when you're in it because you're like again you're gaslighting yourself you're like i don't know what's going on and i need to go to the doctor right but the doctor's telling me everything's fine i'm supposed to trust this person right that's horrible yeah and then you start seeking like all these alternative medicines they're like holistic healing and right and then i've spent like 10 grand on a bunch of stuff that like i don't even know has helped right and it's just like a whole journey of like dead ends um and then i was like okay if this is actually emotional then i guess i need to like figure out how to feel better yeah like you need to work through it yeah yeah um and i was like okay there's really nothing to lose if i try to actually feel my feelings more effectively and like really dive deep into whatever it is that i might be suppressing um and so like what came out was grief and rage and like disbelief that my brother was gone and like honestly just like so much rage like rage at god and like rage at myself for not being there like more for him yeah like i didn't want to feel any of that like i didn't i didn't even want to go there i was like no i can be happy and like you know put on a good face and and like be strong like i'm fucking such a good athlete and like such a strong person and like i'm kind and i'm gracious and like i want to be all of those things for like everybody else i didn't want to be like this like little ball of rage and anger that i'm like i'm not gonna be like this i'm not gonna be like this or that was just like so pissed at life because my brother was gone um so like i spent like a lot of time working through that and i like again wasn't playing because i was like rehabbing and working through that yeah and then all my symptoms like one by one like the seizure like movements the chronic pain the insomnia the thyroid issues like they all just went away wow as i worked through that and i was like i couldn't i could not believe how like intertwined my emotional world was with like what my physical body was doing wow and then i was like i'm gonna go play professional sports again because if i can get through that you can get through anything like okay eating disorder couldn't take me down like brother dying kind of took me out for a while but like i made it through all my emotions and now i'm just gonna go like take on the world again because oh and by the way work full-time as a therapist as well yeah we also skipped over that you're literally a full therapist oh my gosh like even trying to schedule this podcast and everything i was like what's your schedule look like she's like so i have a lot of patients this week and i'm also training to you know play in the avp and i'm also training to you know play in the avp and i'm also training to you know play in the you know leaving for brazil in a few days going to brazil to compete mind you i have to pay for that flight because avp doesn't pay for it anyone wants to sponsor me yes if anyone wants to sponsor you please reach out i think every beach volleyball player deserves to have at least one sponsor because that sport is no joke i play it every weekend reactive is one of my like my only sponsor right now yeah they're amazing i also work for them they're they're the clinic that treats functional neuro disorders oh my gosh i mean that was like a total god story too like we we just connected and they decided to sponsor me and now i work for them as well that's amazing yeah that's so full circle yes wow yeah so i think there's anyone else yeah literally anyone else tell me i think that's also so cool and so important for athletes to hear that you know and i think it's so important for athletes to hear that you know that you know that you're the gravity of your emotions and how it can physically harm you yes is so key because i think as athletes we have this tendency and we've been conditioned to believe that if we shove it down if we ignore it if we act tougher if we get tougher it'll all be okay and like look at what's happening these athletes are struggling these athletes have mental health concerns they have real life problems now because we were told to shove it down right and it's like it never goes away no it has to go somewhere it's got to go somewhere and if it's not coming out it's affecting other things and i think that that's such a cool story so thank you for sharing that because it i think will wake up a lot of people to recognize the importance of mental health but also feeling your emotions in the moment because when we shove it down it's just it gets really scary it does yeah and a lot of people i think don't they don't want to even be open to the idea that their emotional world could be manifesting physically yeah like if it's if it's in my body then it must have a structural issue or if it's in my body and like it's autoimmune then the only way to heal it is through like some sort of pharmacological intervention yeah um and i think that's one of the things that i've learned over the past couple of years is that like the nervous system controls everything like it governs everything in our bodies and like i mean from like my perspective i'm obviously biased because i work with the brain yeah my profession but like if we start with the source how much better are we gonna get so much more efficient as well yes yeah yeah i i always say i think we're we as humans are tapping into maybe like 0.01 percent of our brain and i think that's one of the things that i've learned is that like it is such an incredible like source of access like we are not using our brains enough and we're not using our brains for us enough right like even you can think about i mean a time in your life that caused trauma you can think about a really painful moment in your athletic career whatever it is your body feels it immediately immediately how trippy that we can create trauma response in our body. We can create a trigger. without even really trying that hard right and I think that alone should show people like the power of the mind yes and using it for the good and not allowing it to take control right yeah and like I feel like I feel really lucky to like understand now like I have this really intimate relationship with my own nervous system and I like I really understand like when I'm having a physiological response to something it could mean xyz and so it's like it's this like wonderful roadmap to like what I need to pay attention to you have the clarity yes yeah instead of like oh my god I'm having a symptom like what's happening yeah what does that mean for my health or like can I not trust myself you know like it's it's now just become like like I know how to communicate with myself you're so in tune yes that's so cool very attuned with how I'm feeling at all times which sometimes is like very overwhelming yeah when you know a little too much you're like sometimes ignorance is blessed yeah but I mean that's why I was like anorexia helped me like shove that all down yeah right like I didn't have to feel as much yeah because I didn't know how to deal with all that yeah right like fnd also helped me shove that all down because I was so fixated on symptoms that I didn't have to feel my grief it's a distraction exactly essentially like a big fat very effective distraction yeah yeah and like and now it's like okay I feel through everything and I'm like not afraid to feel through all my emotions whether they be extreme joy or extreme grief or like pure rage yeah because I would rather feel those things than like be incapacitated because my leg is shaking yeah and that's why I'm always such a huge advocate for building out your your core group and your core community because I'm such a talk to think person that if I don't talk it out it's sitting in there yeah and she's toxic and so like having people that I know I can literally call any time in the day and they'll pick up and I can just let it out has been such a good nervous system regulator amazing because I have a tendency to have the tough girl mentality and like it's fine I'm going to shove it down and deal with it later right but it's the same it's kind of the same thing that we've been talking about this whole time of like do it for your future self I think that's been a really common theme with our conversation it's just like do it for your future babies do it for your future you know bone density but also do it for your future enjoyment of life do it for your mental health yes because you know the you know the routine there's a toxic cycle and the moment you recognize the cycle is when you can break it and I think just having like you said that awareness is what's really going to give you the power to put it up to a stop yeah so yeah awareness is power for sure yeah for sure yeah knowledge is power but also knowledge is peace yes yes and also just like trusting what your body is telling you it's not against you yeah yeah your body has these symptoms for a reason like it's there to protect you mm-hmm okay I really want to get into my favorite segment yeah it's my only segment but I always say it's my favorite favorite and your only yeah um it's called your athlete it's kind of a fun little spin off of Dear Abby which is like the advice column in the newspaper and I think that it's so fun to be able to connect with our audience so that's kind of what we're gonna do okay so I have questions already written down that your followers ask yeah what yeah okay first question best advice for achieving dreams honestly dude follow your heart like I was not following my heart for the longest time I was trying to like please everybody else except for myself and that was like the wrong move I love that even this is like the hardest thing for me to say but even if it's not what your family wants for you right because like I love my family so much but they had like different desires for me like yeah I followed my own and then um and like now our relationship is better yeah because you're happier and you're fulfilling your dreams yeah and you're doing what fills your cup and so you can be the best version of yourself exactly you can't be the best version of yourself if you're doing it for other people right I love that answer for me I would say believe in yourself as much as you believe in others I think it's so easy to root for everyone else but you got to learn to root for yourself and be bold and be brave and try new things because unless you try you won't know right and I think because as humans we have this propensity to protect ourselves from harm and from discomfort it's really easy to stay in our comfort zones so just being brave enough to try something new and even if you fail at it I don't really believe in the word failure I believe in trying and I think trying is succeeding because that means you're one step closer to success so yeah just try I don't know try amazing do it yeah leave your ego at the door who cares take a chance on yourself yeah literally take a chance okay how does one get and stay motivated discipline for me um I would say like 80 of the time actually I am like not motivated to do what I need to do but I like I set a routine I go to practice every day I lift weights three times a week I see all my patients you know like I have to I have to just carry out my routine and like that's like fuel for the fire to like keep at it yeah um I see actually like a lot of graphics that come up on Instagram for me about like the difference between discipline and motivation and like motivation comes in spurts yeah right it's a feeling yes it's a feeling and it's not super controllable no yeah like some days you will feel incredibly motivated yeah and you run with it oh yeah right but like discipline actually like you'll get more motivated if you stay disciplined towards like your goals yeah yeah I love that I was going to say yeah like discipline is a structure motivation is a feeling and feelings change yes and life happens and it's really hard to stay motivated when life happens but um for those of you listening I recommend atomic habits phenomenal book for building structure and environment that helps facilitate staying disciplined staying motivated because a lot of times what we forget is we're not setting ourselves up for success to stay disciplined even like you can say I'm going to be disciplined how are you going to be disciplined right are you you know buying the best running shoes to help you feel really comfortable when you go on your walks are you putting your running shoes at the door so that when you wake up you put them on you go there's very like it's basically eliminating room for losing that momentum right and also having to make decisions because I think a lot of times when we have too much time to make decisions we always choose comfort obvi yes we love being comfy guilty right but like eliminating that time to like hmm what should I do no the answer is this and that always comes with preparation and creating an environment that's going to facilitate that so really recommend that book it helped me a lot with building structure because as a girl boss and being my own boss yeah like creating that structure is so difficult and I just I remember being so unmotivated I'm beating myself up every single day and I'm like I know I'm a hard worker I know I can devote myself to whatever I'm passionate about because I've proven myself time and time again but I didn't have an environment that facilitated it and that that helped me right to execute so it's not you babe it's your environment I love that don't beat yourself up you're doing great um okay this is super fun and very on brand for us what is your go-to meal for staying strong love that they asked about staying strong and not staying skinny because like the moment I read that I was like go girl mm-hmm we love eating to be strong yes thank you for asking that question um staying strong I mean I honestly I really focus on protein yeah same everything's protein focused yeah yeah but like also carbohydrates right like because the protein your body can't utilize that protein effectively if there's not like carbohydrates with it yeah right in order to in order to build and maintain that muscle so but like I don't know if there's any one meal that I eat I'm like steak like chicken steak yeah salmon um but yeah just centering your food around protein I think it makes it really simple yeah I think a lot of times we over complicate food and we also glorify food a lot where it's like food is fuel yeah and as long as you're putting premium fuel in your bank you're golden yeah but I'm a big like Whole Foods girl like not the place Whole Foods Whole Foods is really expensive actually I don't love Whole Foods but eating Whole Foods if I could eat there every day I would but I'd be broke but like also sponsor me yeah also sponsor her but yeah like focusing on Whole Foods that don't have labels that don't have a bunch of ingredients like less is more and i'm a big also like avoid i'm kind of an almond mommy like my my mom's an almond mom so then therefore i am also almond girly but i avoid like really bad inflammatory foods or um seed oils okay gums all that just try to be mindful about that because my body hurts if i eat it okay so yeah being mindful about that but also fueling your body yeah i think i like because of my eating disorder history i get like um i'm pretty inclusive with like the types of food the foods that i eat um i've done a lot of like nervous system regulation around like inflammatory foods yeah like foods that used to really bother me they don't really anymore good because i've like regulated my nervous system enough to like handle them yeah yeah um all that to say is though like i think yeah for athletes whole foods are really important making sure that you're getting like um nutrients that are from the source yeah essentially um but also like i will get a convenient snack i am yeah i am not a convenient snack is better than not eating yes so absolutely we'll take that win any day of the week yeah but being yeah just being mindful of like this food is is gonna determine how i perform so just be mindful yeah but just don't develop an eating disorder yeah long story short moral of the entire story eat your damn food babe balance is key yes well that is all i have for you yay i am so glad we got to talk you're an absolute gem and i knew the second that we sat down it would be immediate vibes and just it'd be so easy to talk to you so thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your story thank you for having me on this is so fun like what an amazing setup also like bruin fam i love it so much i love whenever i get alumni on it's like so special yeah we're doing our our alumni proud yeah we really are yeah go bruins go bruins baby fours up um be sure to follow her on everything you're crushing it i can't wait to follow along your journey i'm so glad that we live near each other now i get to come to all your games good luck in brazil more walk and talk yes i'm so excited um be sure to also subscribe follow along and i'll see you on the next one see you next wednesday love you goodbye you