Gracie & Jess Evans on Fighting, Extreme Abuse, & Overcoming Hardship

Hey, I think it's up to our listeners. You can now watch on Spotify. If you're subscribed to Spotify Premium, you can watch ad-free. Now let's get in the episode. Trigger Warning. This episode contains deeply personal conversations surrounding domestic violence, addiction, and mental health. Some parts of this conversation may be difficult for certain listeners, so please listen with care and prioritize your well-being. We're incredibly grateful to Jess for sharing her story so openly and vulnerably, and we hope that this episode reminds people they're not alone. If you or a loved one are seeking professional help, I've listed resources in the description below. He made my nose bleed, he punched me, made my nose bleed, and then he's been back kicked me into a mirror. But what I realize in that moment is that I could do sports my whole life. I could, like, know be very physical and everything, but I literally had no idea how to defend myself. Nothing prepares you for losing somebody in your family. If all the fighting was for anything, it was for this fight. I just refused to let life win. She's a former Moiti competitor who became a three-time state champion in Australia and built an impressive 12-fight amateur combat sports career across Moiti and boxing. Since stepping out of the ring, she's become a boxing coach, on-screen talent for fight camp, and an international fitness educator teaching boxing, kickboxing, and the art of group fitness around the world. She's also a stunt martial arts coach for film and a powerful advocate who uses her voice to support those impacted by abusive relationships through speaking engagements and self-defense workshops. Jess Evans, welcome to athletes after hours. Thank you for having me. That is a mouthful. That was a beautiful introduction. Thank you. Yeah, girls booked and busy. How are you? I'm really good. I'm actually really glad to be here. I'm so glad you could come. Yeah, speaking of booked and busy. The BB club booked and busy. Literally, just girlbossing, left and right. Hey, we need more of that, especially in the athlete space in general, so it's pretty cool to see it. Thanks for having me. Of course, you've been an incredible inspiration to me already, and we've literally known each other for two weeks. It's just about the same two weeks. I feel the same. But I feel like there is something so special about being able to do a sports swap before we get to YAP on the pod. It's true, because we get like that. It's like an icebreaker for sure to like the 10th degree. And actually, I'm really glad we also started with kickboxing first. Yes, set the expectation from there and then moved on to gymnastics. But yeah, I agree. I think it was a good icebreaker to do something physical for physical people. Yes, it was so fun and learning kickboxing from you was incredible. I mean, getting to watch you like up close, do the technique that you have and just hit the bag in a way that I've like never really seen. Because I obviously did a little bit of stunts here and there, but no one was really like, the goal was to not hit each other. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. We're like, yeah, as hard as you can. Literally, like you're in survival mode. And so all I could think about was just you and the ring. And I just needed to have you on the pod, because I need to hear so much more about your experience in fighting and afterwards and everything. So let's get into it. How did you even get into fighting in the first place? Yes, I get this question all the time because when I'm just out and about and when people or when people first meet me and then I eventually we get into the conversation of, what do you do? Yeah, we get into fighting. People are jaw dropped. They're like, wait, what? Because it's niche. Well, and it's also just you don't, especially back when I started, you don't see a lot of it for women. Yeah. And then also, you know, like, I'm, you're going to dress up. And they're like, wait a minute. You don't look like you've gotten hit. I'm like, well, that's the point. I hope to not get hit a lot. Yeah. But I, it's actually kind of crazy how I got into martial arts. I always was an athlete growing up. I've started playing sports since I was four. You know, I'm from the Midwest from Kansas City. And there you start doing sports like out of the womb. And did that all my, my whole life growing up. And I was like very active and in multiple, multiple, like modalities. But then it was actually a little bit later on in my life. I want to say that I had just graduated high school. And I got into my first relationship. And because I never really wanted to date growing up. I was also like a little bit sheltered, being you know, like from a very small town in the Midwest and gotten to a relationship. This person was a fighter. And it's crazy because if you don't have any dating experience and you will grow up a little bit sheltered, you just don't really have any expectation for what date you know, you have no idea. And I actually ended up walking myself into a pretty bad relationship. It was one time physically abusive, but it was mentally and emotionally abusive as well. And I mean, I kind of like want to talk about it a little bit. But I would say that there was like one moment when there was a physical altercation between us where he was trying to kind of like assert his dominance. And he made my nose bleed. He punched me made my nose bleed. And then he's been back kicked me into a mirror. And it's it's like interesting because now I'm on the other side of it. So I feel you know, I was able to take that painful situation and turn it into a great one. But what I realized in that moment is that I could do sports my whole life. I could like know be very physical and everything. But I literally had no idea how to defend myself. Yeah. And that was really scary. And what's scarier is the fact that I didn't leave the relationship right away. Even though I was in it and I resented him at the same moment. Yeah. It's almost as if like because I was so depressed and in such like a dark place, it's almost like this like dependency I had on him as well. Well, he created that power dynamic. He did. And you don't realize how much manipulation. First of all, I have to say I'm so sorry. Yeah, it's okay. That's fucked honestly for like a better words. Like that's so not okay. Yeah. And it actually like it was like a gut punch just then to like even hear that. Like I can't even imagine like, yeah, shoving you let alone doing something like that. Like that's the most insane thing I've earned. Ew. But there is a ton of studies behind for sure. I'm sure you've gotten so into it. Yeah. I would say like obviously in the beginning there just was like a lot of hurt. So when I got out of the relationship, which I'm so grateful that I got out of it. But it's just because it was just this perpetuous cycle and it got worse towards the end. And I finally decided to walk away from the relationship. I think he was surprised. Really? I was young. Yeah, I was only 19. So I was 18. How old was he? 24. Oh, 23 or 24. So he's quite a bit older than me. He knows who's right. Oh, yeah. Well, what I find out later on like much later on is that this was a cycle. It wasn't like a one time like one and done. Like this was kind of like a cycle. But I think what I realized like once I removed myself from the situation is like, A, like I had a lot of like anger, which that anger then turned into I'm going to learn how to fight. Yeah, you channeled it, which is so crazy. I'm like, who thinks of that. But I was like, he's never going to touch me again. This person, no one's going to ever touch me like this again. And, and then I would say another thing that I realized in that situation looking back at the relationship was he did isolate me. He real, there was like certain tactics that he pulled that was 100% like manipulation and isolation, which is very common in any form of abuse, because you know, abuse is not just one thing. It's, it's a trifecta of many different things. And I was isolated and pulled away from my family, moved in with him against like my parents wishes. And then he even had the nerve to like kick me out, but I had nowhere to go. So this is like the tactics that they pull, right? Well, then it creates dependency. Yeah. Because then you're like, oh my gosh, I am code dependent on this person because now I have nowhere to live. And it's a control dynamic. Yeah. And then another, and then like in your relationship suffer because of it, because you're now isolated. 100%. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I barely talked to anybody. I was like under, under 100 pounds. You're on like house, like house arrest. There was crazy. It was crazy. And then once I did also get out of the relationship, he even had like the nerve to attempt suicide and blame it on me. And this is, I want to bring this up. I know it's a very sensitive subject, but I want to bring this up because this is very common in abusive dynamics, where someone will try exactly, and it's trying to regain control by putting all of these manipulation tactics on you. Like, oh, this will be your fault if this happens. Well, especially emotionally driven. And that's what I trigger that emotion in you, especially the nurturing, you know, maternal side of you, where you're like, oh my god, like, I love this person at one point. Yeah. It's going to hit different. Yeah. And that's what they, and that's what the last thing you want to be is responsible for someone's like, of course. Well, you always want to take it seriously. Yes. And it is such like a double edged sword. Because at this point, we were already broken up. And it was again to try to regain control. So, you know, I did contact his family. I was like, hey, just letting you know that this was said to me, take it seriously. And then the next day, this is the part I'll never forget. Because I was like, run, Jessica. Yeah. Don't even consider like going back to the situate. I would be a completely different person if I had stayed. And by the way, at this point, I hadn't started fighting yet. This was, wow, I didn't start fighting until two years later. But he gave me, I called him, because I wanted to make sure he was okay. He was at the hospital. He doesn't say anything except for when he picks up the phone, he finally picks up the phone. He's like, do you believe me now? I was like, oh, I'm out of this. I'm sorry, like, that's all he cared about. That's all he cared about. He, it was not really about, it was just, it was like an attention grab to regain control. And again, it was emotional abuse. It was mental abuse. And had I stayed in that relationship? I don't know what would have happened, but I bet you it would have been an ongoing abusive relationship. If you, if these signs your life would have been very much threatened. - Completely different. - I mean already, like, kicking you into a mirror, you genuinely don't know. Like, no, the glass could have shattered. It could have caught you. It could have hit you in a really vulnerable spot. You could have already had your life in danger. - For sure. - God, you're okay. - Right. - But I mean, that's one instance out of how many that you experienced. - Right. - That you were able to survive and then still walk out kind of, not unscathed, but safer to a degree. - No, 100%. - No. - Like, your life was seriously in danger for a long time. - It was. Well, I mean, the good news is as I was only, I know some situations I've talked to a lot of women like after this situation. And you know what's crazy? A lot of women that get into boxing or fighting come from domestic violence. - Wow. - I've really connected with a lot of women like that was the same situation that happened to me. That happened to me. And I'm, which I also think that's why it's so powerful to share our stories. I know it's hard to be vulnerable and to talk about these things, especially if they were such painful moments or like if, sometimes we don't want to like, relive the experience, right? But I actually think that we go through painful things to help people. - Yeah. - I think otherwise, why would we go through it? It would almost be like a waste. - Yeah. - I feel like we go through that so then we can help, you know, whoever it is, walk through that season or see the other side of it. So I'm not saying I will never, ever, ever condone violence. I'll never condone abuse. But I don't regret anything I've been through because I wouldn't be where I am today. - So no, and I think truly like God gave you your voice. - Yeah. - And he helped you feel confident in your ability to speak on these topics and be vulnerable because truly like I could not give you more flowers for doing that. It's so difficult. I mean, I've come from some really sketchy situations myself and like, I've never actually spoken out about it. - Oh wow. - And so it's like, I think one of those things where, yes. A lot of people unfortunately go through things. But like, it's such a big testament to you and your character to be able to not only speak on it, but to use it as fuel to help others and to change an entire era of what women deserve. - Agreed. - And empowering women to leave those toxic situations and know that they're stronger than that. - Right. Well, it's sad because like, if you think about our generations, right, we're in such a great time where it is okay for women to speak up, but it wasn't like that for such a long time. If you look at like systematically, do we want to believe some? - No one, exactly. It's a power dynamic again of like men versus women. And but what's sad is that also, you know, boys get abused as well. Like we're seeing like crazy patterns of all sorts of abuse. But again, or there was something else I was gonna highlight is this is, so like, let's say like abuse and in some people's case, you know, like rape and everything, most of these cases go unreported. So it's not being talked about because people feel shame or they're embarrassed or they're worried for their life because of like the threats that they're receiving. So all I'm saying is like disclaimer. Like if you do find yourself in an abusive relationship, like know that it is okay to seek help and actually you should seek help because you can't do it on your own and you need the right people around you, whether that's a support system or law enforcement or whatever and that you can get out of it and that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I think people need to see the hope in it. - Absolutely. And I think to what a lot of people don't realize is even if you report it, it can be anonymous. - You don't have to relive. I think that's the tough thing. Is a lot of times when you do report it or you take things to an extreme level with getting law enforcement involved in stuff, it's like people are nervous to have to relive it 'cause you do have to like go to court and testify against that person and look them in the face and it's a huge, huge burden for someone who's broken and beaten down and just not themself anymore. - Yeah, and especially if you're with someone 'cause you've trauma bonded. - Yeah. - It's like this psychological thing. It's a lot harder to walk away. They even, so I'm also like really passionate about human trafficking, about like ending human trafficking which is like young women that are pulled into like sex slavery, pretty much. And what they talk about is that even for those women, it's hard for these young girls. It's hard for them to leave that situation because they truly believe that with the abuse, with the neglect, with everything involved psychologically, they think that they love this person. - Wow. - And that's the thing is it's like that same thing applies if you think about it in a relationship. - Mm-hmm. - You've been messed up so much mentally and in the emotional toll like the manipulation it takes on you, you think, okay, maybe it can get better. Maybe what they say is possible. - 'Cause they give you a glimmer of hope and then that's like, the bread can. - Exactly. - And it's a cycle. - Yeah. - How long were you in this situation for? - About a year. - Wow. - So, luckily it wasn't longer than that, thankfully. Like I know some people that are in toxic relationships and situations like this for like five years, six years, and more, but I got out of that relationship early on. - Wow. - I mean, I was gonna say you have such an incredible, strong personality, like it is really hard to see you in a situation like that, even only knowing you for as long as I have, like, it's just, it's really trippy. And I, I mean, it's kind of the same thing for me. I think a lot of people will see us as like alpha females. - Yeah. - But even us, like we get thrown into some really, - For sure. - Toxic situations. - Well, I actually think that toxic men are attracted or they try to attract women like us. - 'Cause like a challenge. - To break us down. - Yes. And that's what happened. Have you know like Charlie Brown? You know, the guy who walks around his all muted. - Yeah. - And he's like muted color. That was me. - Wow. - Like I looked, I didn't look like myself. - Yeah. - It like literally took like the color out of my life. So I just like to say that I was just trying to build the color back into my life. - What was the breaking point? - The breaking point was actually like around his birthday. I remember going to the club with him and, the going to the club, like I never went to the club. But I went to the club 'cause that's what he wanted to do. And he had been doing drugs and he'd been drinking and everything. I know it's crazy. It was just a complete different person. I wasn't doing that, but he was. - Yes. - I was in TD. And we had gotten to this huge fight and we went there and I just remember him like pushing me away and talking about other girls. And I just think I was at such a low point that then watching him like disrespect me like that in front of so many people publicly and with his friends. And then it was the next morning he kicked me out of his apartment. And I think what I realized is like I literally, what do you mean from where, what do you mean you're kicking me out? I live here too. - Yeah. - But I felt like I had no control of my life. - Yeah. - I had nowhere to go. So I think the breaking point for me was just like, it had been a buildup, right? There had been like so many situations that had happened. He would just a straw that broke the camel's back. - I just finally broke it. I was like, I have nowhere to go. I have nobody. So I know it sounds like really pitiful, but I called my sister and she worked at a bar in Kansas. This was like 10 a.m. or something. And I was like, hey, I was like, can I come to work? And I literally, no joke, sat at the bar and cried the entire time her whole shift. And I said, I need you to go with me to get my stuff because I'm leaving him. - Yeah. And if you don't go with me, I don't know if I'll do it. - Yeah. - And you are. - So my sister, I mean, she really showed up for me. And that's why I say like, you really need to have at least one person in your life that will show up for you no matter what. I think it's whether that's a sibling, cousin, a best friend, a mom, or whatever. You need one person in your life that can show up for you when you need it. And I also needed these people to remind me why I shouldn't go back or be in this relationship. - Yeah. - And honestly, I did, I finally, I did it for myself. And the thing about me is like, once I make a decision, it's like a light bulb. I'm like, yeah, that's it. Yeah, you're very action oriented. Oh yeah, I was like, I'm not going back. - Yeah. - I have to, now what didn't mean it wasn't hard. - Oh yeah. - But so glad I did. And then I went away. And after I went away, that's when I was like, man, I'm gonna have, like, after I got over the sadness, I was like, oh man, I'm gonna learn how to fight. I'm gonna learn, I'm gonna make sure this never happens again. And then that was the next step for me was, just wanting to learn how to defend myself. It wasn't even fighting. It was just, I want to learn how to defend myself. - You just hated the way you felt. - I hated feeling so well. - Felt full. - Felt full, so vulnerable. Yeah. Emotions arose a little bit for you when you were talking about your sister. Like, what kind of pulled on you there? - I just think for me, when you're in really dark places, I think sometimes the reason why people stay is because they don't feel like they have anybody there. And I think that that level of hopelessness is so sad. And that's the reason why I want to be that inspiration of hope or thing for someone that needs to see it. That's why to me, social media is so much more than just like, day in the life. and this is glamorous, it's like you actually have the power to impact people that have walked through something that you have or could potentially one day. And that's why I'm really passionate about like speaking about your story. And it's not again to like harp on the hard things that we've been through. No, but I think you do a really good job of highlighting the moments that truly are lessons to help people move forward move forward and and and learn from the mistakes that we made. Yeah, and I do think that when I think about how my sister showed up for me, I just hope that I can I can be that for other people. No, you know, that's beautiful. Yeah, I want to be that I want to be that for other people. Other women like men as well, but like other women that like need to get out of those those relationships. I want to be that strength for them when they can't be it for themselves. I love that. Yeah, that's so beautiful. I mean, I can't even imagine how much strength and courage it took for you to check your ego at the door and ask for help even right like even go into your yeah, like even go into your sister's bar and like asking for help. Yeah, especially because I wasn't talking to them really. Exactly. Yeah, I can't even imagine the moment you said that I was like that took guts to even do that, but it showed also how desperate you were. So desperate in such a dangerous situation. Yeah, I was desperate. So I think for me, I was just like, what's the thing that's closest to me that yeah, because I felt out of control. Yeah, in my mind and again, because I didn't feel like I anywhere to go. I think what's also really important to note here is that anyone that has a loved one that has isolated themselves, like see them with empathy. Yeah, you know, it gave you the cold shoulder. Do you know what I mean? Like your life would be different forever. Yeah, I agree. And that's hard, right? That's hard like people. Yeah, she let you in and she accepted that even though you guys had a distant relationship, like you were always going to be there for one another and it's really beautiful that she did that for you. She's got. Yeah, she's got it for sure. When did you start channeling this rage? When I was 21. Okay. Yeah. I don't want to rate. Did you have to go to therapy after the relationship? You know what's crazy is I should have. Okay. But I know I said that you didn't honestly. I didn't because I went to trauma therapy. I should have. But you know what? But even still then therapy was like, hmm, like do we like because what year would this have been? Like it was. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And you know, it again, it was like, what is therapy? Or it wasn't as big of a thing now where's like everyone go to therapy. It's very important. Yeah. People go to therapy like they drink their coffee. I literally treated my training like therapy. Wow. And I want to talk about the moment when I finally felt breakthrough from that. But first can we talk about how nuts I am because I would literally, so once I finally decided to fight. Yeah. I mean, I'm not kidding. This is so crazy. Like talking about it all on. I remember I would go into training and I would get like beat up in sparring. Yeah. And then I would like give it everything and then I'd go to my car and I'd look cry. I did that like every day. Oh my god. And I just think it's like, I just had so much in me. I'd like give everything I had. And then if I was like disappointed or like I'd go in my car and then I'd just cry. And wow. I know that sounds like really like what is wrong with you. But I just, that's the way that I think I had to deal with that. I don't think anyone's actually thinking that because truly that's like the most relatable shit I've ever heard. Okay. Right. I was like, I like gave it everything. I tried my hardest. I love crying in my car. Dude, I cried my car all the time. I got to bring sunglasses. I'm like, just sunglasses. Big ones. Don't anyone see it? I just think it's like a great time to reflect facts. And I was like reflecting on the training. And I just think as well. I was so determined to learn as fast as I could because of how much pain that I had. I mean, you're literally still in survival mode. I mean, I don't know. I know this. But like when you experience trauma, like you're, it takes about a year for your body to fully work through that trauma. Yeah. And that's it. You're still in fight for sure. And then that's like even after the fact. Right. Like the residual pain and trauma that's still left in your body like chemically. Yeah. And your cortisol levels like for sure gets back. I mean, I like look back on like photos and videos of myself. And I'm like, holy shit. Like my face was so swollen. I was so unwell. Like I could tell I was just not calm. I wasn't comfortable in my skin. Right. Like there's so many things. I think hormonally as women, especially for sure. We struggle with when it comes to like having our levels, you know, and being healthy. Yeah. Just being healthy mentally. All of it. Yeah. I mean, that's definitely that's definitely the way that I was. And again, like I would go and I would like put myself through things that I don't recommend people to do. If you take it to an extreme. I did. I took it to a mate because you've been around me enough now. You probably know that I yeah, you saw me when I try to do the freaking vault. Yes. I was like, we're over here like trying to get content. I'm like, no, I'm going to do it again. I want to do it again. And I even like to the extent I went and I told my MMA friend Tyson. I was like, bro, I was like, I need you to just I had this thing in sparring where I would like blink because let's be honest. Anytime a punch comes at your face, your skin is to blink. Yeah. And but you can't do that in a fight. And you have to actually stare it in the face, which is a really interesting metaphor. Wow. You have to stare like the thing that you're the most afraid of in the face every time to not receive it exactly. And I was like, I want you to just go round after round with me and punch me in the head until I stop blinking. Do not recommend that. By the way, please don't do this method of training. But that is how like determined I was. I would even have dreams jabbing myself out of my sleep. And in what's crazy is there was one moment my boxing coach can attest to this. Yeah. Where I sparred with the 16 year old that dropped me with a liver shot. And it was so painful. If you've ever been punched in the liver, it's like a button. You can't build muscle around it. Do anything about it. It just knocks you to the ground. Yeah. And I was so upset with myself. Well, first of all, because his kids younger than me. And he's like probably 15 actually. And then also because I just didn't feel like I did well. And I was trying to like I wanted to go fight in the world ringside tournament six months after I started fighting, which is very that's not common. That's very usually trained for years before you take a fight. I took a tournament after six months. But I want to sleep. I came back the next day. And then I just started moving around exactly how my coach had told me the day before. He's like, what happened? I was like, I had a dream. Not like Martin Luther King Jr. But I have a dream. I had a dream of visualization. Yeah. You hear about this all the time in sports. Yes. I had a visualization in my sleep of me moving like float like a butterfly sting. Like a bee. I was drawing jobs and moving around. He said he couldn't even believe the person the night before versus the person. He didn't even recognize me. And that's when he put me in the tournament that coming summer. Holy shit. So I was that's how determined I was. But then that's pretty much like how all of that kind of started. I mean, I literally just saw a study the other day that was saying self belief is the number one success. Right. Right. It's the number one thing that plays into success because truly like you having that self belief and that determination like was the only thing that was driving you to success. It was. And then also, you know, a really painful situation. Like that was kind of like the fuel, I'd say. Yeah. But I would say it was self belief. And yeah, girl, you pop out a chip on her shoulder. That's for sure. A big old chip. A big old chip on the shoulder. But also like, I mean, Muhammad Ali talks about that. Yeah. And he's like one of the greatest of all times. He said what separated me is that I believed in myself. And everyone's like, he was cocky. He was this, he was that, you know, because he always had these sayings or he like, I'm faster. I turn the light out and I get in bed before he even like the whole thing. I don't know his whole speech that he did. But he, he had that self belief. And I think that that is so powerful. And that could be used in sports. It could be used in life. Now, there's definitely a fine line between self belief and delusion. Yes. And we need to highlight that. I do love a little delusional confidence. So, I now want to knock a lot of you. I mean, as long as it's like, you got to reel it in sometimes. Wait a minute. No, I'm not. You're flipping off cliffs like the cliff divers that I, you know, work with. Exactly. But yeah. And you know, like, I know my limit. I did do a cart roll on the bounce beam. But I'm not going to the Olympics anytime soon. Okay. So there's a line. Yes. But I do think that self belief is so important. Yes. I love that. So then when you got into fighting, you obviously had your first fight ever. Yes. It turned out like it was yesterday. I'm sure. When you have like those core memories. For sure. I can just every fight. Oh, I bet. Yeah. How was it? How did it go? So I did end up fighting in the world's ringside tournament. And tournament style is it's it's brutal. So if you're fighter watching this, you totally can attest to this. But every single day you weigh in in the morning. So you have to be on weight the morning of. So most of the time fighters cut weight. Because and if you don't cut weight, you're probably going to fight someone who's cutting 15 to 20 pounds. So you almost want to make sure you're fighting within like a good - Wait for yourself. - Okay. - So if for five, four, I think that's my height. I think I was fighting around like 112 pounds. - Okay. - And you have to weigh in every morning, and unfortunately my draw, I had to fight three days in a row. - Oh my god. - At what? - Three days in a row. - So what did you eat those three days? - Water. - Yeah, ice cubes. - Lots of water, but then also you have to try to cut the water. - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah, you have to weigh in. Honestly, I think you want to kind of like stick to like basic things that you're eating just less of. So like chicken, rice, broccoli, dried cranberries, like stuff like that. - You're like out fighting for your life, trying to slow your body. - Yeah. - Yeah. Well the good news is that kind of like around that time I was not too far off of my fighting weight anyways, which I think is important. I personally am a proponent of women staying close to their fight weight, just 'cause of our hormones. It really messes with your hormones. - Yeah. - A lot of, you'll see a lot of UFC women that are like former fighters even say like yo, like fighting messed up. - Oh yeah. - Tabalism and my hormones. And it took me a long time once I got out of fighting to kind of correct it myself. - Yeah, so even when gymnastics as well, it was like. - Of course. - 'Cause you guys have to stay like much more training all the time. - And then your hormones will start to catch up. - Yeah. - Yeah. - I got my period like three different times. - That's crazy. - Like I literally went through like almost three different phases of puberty. - Doesn't surprise me. - Isn't that wild? - Yeah, especially, well because you like train so hard through puberty. - Yes. - So I never really got like a real period. So I remember being like in college and everyone's complaining about their period. And I'm like, what period? - What are y'all talking about? Like mine comes for like two, three days. I don't have any symptoms. And then I would be gone like the wind. And then I remember like going through it again at like age 26. - Wow. - After I like finally stopped training. And now I get like a normal one. And I'm like, all right, I understand why you girls are complaining. - Right, yeah. Good thing it was delayed though. - Yeah, but also I mean, gosh, like the extremity that you gymnast put your body through is next level. I want to say it's like, - I mean, there were girls that didn't have their periods in college. - That's crazy. - And especially in high school as well. - In college? - Yeah. - Wow. - I mean, it just depends if you're eating or not. - Yeah, really. But that would be insane to do gymnastics. And not, I guess it's kind of like what you're saying. And like not have fuel in your body. - You find a way to find a way. That's right. - I did it for a year. - Some of the like your body adapts. - Yeah. - Yeah. - It's insane. - Well, I think that's what kind of happened to me. It's like my body had kind of adapted at that point. And you like train like an eight week fight, can't bleeding up to it anyways. And you're like I said, you're kind of like sitting a little bit closer. And then it's just about maintenance. - But I always forget about the weigh-ins. - Do the weigh-ins or not. That I would actually say that's how I like the least my least favorite part. - You could not pay me to get on a fucking scale right now. That's for sure. - Absolutely not. I haven't touched a scale in like six years. - I honestly, I don't think people should. - I don't recommend. - It is, fighters actually talk about this about how we, like you almost have like bodies dysmorphia when you leave fighting. - Yeah. - Not in like, it could be an extreme way depending on the person. But just because we're so used to having to weigh a certain weight. - Yeah. - It's almost like a fixation. - So then we're like, we're like a normal weight. We're like, oh my gosh, I'm like overweight. This is crazy. - Well, and foods like not normal either. It's like now it's, yeah. I think there's a really beautiful thing about having food be fuel. But then also there's I think also an extreme to that where food is too much of fuel. And you can't enjoy life and be normal. - Yeah, there was definitely parts of that when I was competing. - Yeah. - There was definitely parts of that when I was competing. I'm like, can't eat this, can't eat rice. - Because you're like me and you can't have us. - No. - Anything. - We hold 100. (laughing) - 100 or 100 or nothing. Zero to 100, nothing else in between. - Yeah. So, but the cool thing about that tournament though is that I did fight three days in a row and I lost in the finals. - No way. - I did. - And what's interesting about tournament style as well is that you fight people within a range of fights. Not just, so in standalone fights, you're fighting someone within like the same record as you. So, for example, like maybe they've had two fights. You've had two fights. - Yeah. - Or you've had one they've had two. They're record really matters. But in tournament style, it's zero to seven fights. So, the girl that I fought had six fights already. - And you were green as hell. - I was so green. So, I still lost, but it was a really good learning lesson for me. - Yeah. - Because I was like, okay. I can compete with people that have actually had experience. - Had experience. - That's pretty cool. - It was pretty fun. - It was so fun. - I walked away from that fight. - I was like, you know what? - I might have gotten a few bruises every now and then again. - I was like, okay. But the fact that you walked out of that ring and you were like unscathed, it's pretty impressive. - It was cool. I'm just glad I got. Well, I mean, in tournament style as well, you're wearing head gear. - Yeah. - And after that, I did end up moving to Muay Thai. - Okay. - I was like, I walked out of that. I'm like, nah, I need more. I want more. - Wow. - And then that's when I moved into Muay Thai and Muay Thai, man. It's the beauty because when I ended up competing in that for most of my fights is no head gear. Oh my god, no shin guards. And that's what I wanted. I was like, the money maker. - Right. Well again, again, the tactics to not get hit. - Yeah, that part. - You know, defend the way all of that. - Shit happens, though. - True. I'll definitely say this, I got hurt more by men in sparring than I ever did in a fight. - Wow. - So I got hurt more in practice than, and a lot of fighters say that. They're like, oh yeah, I got hurt in the training leading up to it, but not the actual thing. Just maybe because you're mentally a little bit less locked in. Or I just think the men hit hard in that part. - The fact that even fight men is hard. - Oh yeah, they're all like West size. - They're big. - That's insane. - They're big boys. And in some of them, man, I was just like, really? Like, I almost had like mentally prepare for certain sparring days because I was like, this is gonna be a painful one suck. - Yeah. - And in the cool thing is it's, you know, in sparring, you know, you at least wear shingards. So at least you're like, you're not receiving the full contact. - Yeah. - But still, I mean, you feel that. You know, if you've done kickboxing, you feel that. - And I think it's like definitely also kind of a tricky middle ground for us who are like alpha females and we're like women empowerment, women equality. And then we're also like, wait, please don't hit me. Like, please don't hit me that hard. Like you're a boy. - You know what I mean? - For sure. - Like you do have to recognize like there is still like an anatomy difference for biological difference. Like they obviously have a very large advantage when you're in a fighting situation. - 100%. You know what's actually really funny, you bring this up because there was something I learned about myself a little bit later on like in my fighting career. - Yeah. - At this point I had moved to Australia and I was competing over there and they take Muay Thai very seriously in Australia, like very high level striking athletes. - Wow. - And because I think it's just 'cause they're close to Thailand, it's just their influence on the culture is stronger. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Whereas like here it's more MMA now. And then you know, boxing because of the history. - Yeah. - Muay Thai wasn't as big of a thing. And also when I started competing like Rana Rousey just entered the UFC. - Wow. - So this was like very new territory for women. - Yeah. - Like really getting into MMA and kickboxy martial arts and stuff. But when I was over there, we did this thing called Shark Tank Sparring and it's very intense. It's always usually leading to it. - It sounds intense. - You're gonna understand in one second. And it's where one person stays in the ring and this ring is small. You have no way to get out. And every 30 seconds they filter in someone new to spar you. And you have to go a whole three minutes. So it's pretty much just called survival for three minutes. And you know, I'm sparring against big people. Now some of the guys, they'll go a little bit, you know, like lighter with me. Some of them, they don't care. They're gonna treat me the same way. And I remember this one guy, I try to go for a spinning back fist. Lightly, but at the same time as I did it when I came back around, my hand was dropped. Never do that. One of one, keep your hands up. And he brought a hook around, clipped me, lifted me off the ground. And it dropped me. It's done to me. And I remember all the guys were like, and my coach was like, are you okay, Jess? Are you okay? And I got back up and I was like, let's finish the round. - Oh, you're insane. - We're so pissed. Because I think what I realized is, like mentally, I never wanted a man to see me down again. - Whoa. - I think when I spard the men, I did it with a different intensity than when I spard women. - Well, yeah, because I drifted through to like reason. - Issue, yeah. - I never fixed, mind you. I never once in therapy. - And I refused. And there was other times I spard men when they were trying to drop me with liver shots. And I would fight through it. - Wow. - Because I refused to let them drop me. And I carried that with me for a really long time. - Holy crap. - It was almost like, I just couldn't let a man see me down. - Wow. - And that was my fuel. - That's the most insane story ever. - For way too long, don't recommend this, by the way. But it helped me. It helped me because it gave me the fuel that I needed to to fight. But if you look at any of the greats, like Conor McGregor, Mike Tyson, everything, a lot of what fuels these fighters is hardship, is trauma. If you look at any fighter, a lot of their upbringing or what gets their motivation, what gets them into it is trauma. - They have to have an ability to see red. - You have to. - And flip a switch, yeah. - To be able to like, go to training, get beat up, come back, do what again. - And love it. - Beat up. - Come back, do what again. You have to have a little. like something kind of wrong. - The screw needs to be loose a little bit. - Just a little bit. - That's so insane. I mean, I think what's also the most insane part about that story is the fact that like, hearing you speak about your experience and hearing you speak about how you actually prefer like fighting men because it hits different, right? It scratches that itch of like, I wanna take that control back. - You were literally like living in your trauma. - Yeah, I was. - Your sport is your, you know what I mean? - Yeah. - 'Cause like a lot, or like living in your trigger. - 'Cause that's right. - Raging as hell. - It is. - Like I've had a man put hands on me by like grabbing my neck. And like since then, like I won't, I don't like when people like touch my neck. I've worked with women who were like that. - It's like such a big trigger for me. - Of course. - And like, it's something, I mean, it wasn't even like that big of a thing. I mean, I don't wanna downplay it. But like, it was just a single moment. - It is a big thing. - It is a big deal. - It's a big deal. - It was a massive deal. But it was also a single moment. - Yeah. - It wasn't a year of trauma. It wasn't a year of abuse. It was one singular moment. And to that day, like I hadn't really loved anyone putting hands on me. - Right. - You know? - Yeah. - And so. - I did, I did actually, I think fighting for me was, it was a trigger, but it was also, it was the therapy that I needed for the time that I was in. - Wow. - It helped heal me. - Yeah. - It gave you an outlet. - It did. - Yeah. - And honestly, tomato tomato. Whatever healthy outlet you need, healthy, by the way. Like, please, can I just preface that? Whatever it is that you need, maybe that is like talking to a professional, which I recommend. Or like doing something physical. Or working with someone, whatever it is, I totally think, I totally recommend it. - Yeah. - Yeah, to work through stuff. Because what I realized is, but not staying there. Like, there needs to be healing or closure. And I do think that there was a time, that's what I wanted to say. There was a time when I was living in Australia that when I realized I had healed, 'cause someone asked me this question, like when did you realize you had healed? - Yeah. - I realized I had healed when I didn't feel like I had anything to prove anymore. - Mmm. - I was like. - Wow. Wow, I'm not fighting for him anymore. I'm fighting for me. Wow. And that was, I needed that. - Yeah. - I needed to realize that I wasn't, 'cause I'm gonna be honest with you, I was a little spiteful after that relationship. - So be to. - To the point to where he was blocked on everything, but when I won, I'd send him a photo of my hand raised. Oh, I told you, just learn from my mistakes, please. Don't. - We love a little petty. - We love a little petty moment here and there. - Okay. - I ain't mad at it. - Do what they say, nonsense, do what I'm so sorry. But, and I did that, a couple of, a couple of. - This is sold FU, I would love that. - I'm sorry, yeah. - You should have sent it in the mail. - With a signed autograph photo. - I'm sure, yeah. - I like that, that's good, actually. But I did that for a while and then finally, when I got to the point, I was like, why? - Yeah. - Why am I-- - What am I doing? Why am I making this man still the center of my attention? - Yes. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. And when I finally let that go and I was like, no, I'm not, I'm no longer competing and doing this for him. I'm doing this for me. And when I started to change that and then I started doing a couple self-defense things with women and I started teaching classes and I started really honing that energy into helping other people, that's what I needed. It was almost like a catalyst for me to really end up with where I needed to be. - Yeah, I mean, you gained your name, you gained your repertoire, you gained your credibility, and then you just channeled it into helping people. - Yeah, which is so beautiful. - And I'm so proud of you. - Like, that's so easy. - It's not easy thing to do. - No, it's not. But I'm glad that I did finally get through that. I think that it's important to, the healing part is important. - Yeah. - We can't just like carry our baggage with us, the rest of our life. We need to make sure we're healing from those situations. - I mean, I always think about that too with like athletes where I see, let's say I see this one guy on the strand near my house every day running. And it's like, you can't help but think, like what are you running from? - Right. - Like the fastest people in the world, like the ultra marathon runners, it's like, that man's going through some trauma. - For sure, they say that about endurance athletes. - Yes, 'cause you have to have something in you. - To do that. - That's crazy. - That's like getting you still there, you know? - For sure. - Like every day you have something to prove, you have some, and I can relate to that 100% because I remember I was in stunt training and I was getting my ass kicked every day. And at five in the morning. - Right. - I was leaving the gym literally 20 pounds underweight, so bruised, just constantly getting injured. - Being dead. - Getting beaten down. - And actually, yeah, literally I was like, I've lost the plot, right? - Right. - And I remember thinking to myself, I have proven myself time and time and time and time again. - Yeah, look at your whole career. - What am I trying to prove now? - Same, yeah. - And that was again, like the most empowering feeling to how I got realization of like, wait, I'm not doing this for myself right now. - Because I don't like this. - Exactly. - This is a fun. This is actually really traumatizing. - It's crazy. - I'm like, shit. - And on top of that, I was having nightmares every night that I was getting my ass kicked. - Yeah, yeah. - Those are the worst. - Holy crap, dude. It's scary. - Did you talk about that? - Did you have the dream where you were hitting as hard as you could and nothing happened? - Nothing happened. - It was literally like the, it was like the scene in SpongeBob where he's like getting punched and he's a sponge. - And you're like, you just like could not. I'm like, that literally, but then I would get my ass kicked and I wake up every day with just like my heart rate through the roof. Like I should have won a heart rate monitor. - Like for what? - Exactly. - Literally for what? - Yeah. - If you're not loving what you're doing, why are you doing it? - Yeah. - Then you really have to ask yourself. - Yeah. - And then also think about it. How do you not make that decision? Maybe we wouldn't be here talking. - That part. - Or maybe you met on set and I would have been - Right. - being down to shit. And you would be like, ooh. - She's interesting. - No. - Even the slightest. - Not even the slightest. - No, but I do think that. - There is something so special when a woman gets her spark back. - I agree. - It's just, it's unmatched. - And it's in their eyes. - Yes. - It's in the eyes. - I mean, we could pin both relate to that. I mean, even recently with my breakup where it was just like, people even in the comments like all my socials now are like, crazy, your spark is back. - It's not the best. - It's so crazy. - Yeah. - It's like the biggest compliment ever. - Yeah, it's, and it's interesting 'cause you know what the part for. - 'Cause you know what the time you had no idea. - No. - That existed, that that was a thing. - That the lights were out. - And that's it. That's what I mean. It's like that whole thing about the muted colors. - Yeah. - Like, and you just, and that's just the way we walk around life and you just needed it. - And we're out here thinking that we have good poker faces, but we clearly do not. - No, everyone's like, no. I see right through you, girl. - For sure. - For a whole lot. - Yeah, I'm an awful liar. I'm really bad at faking it, but okay. So all of this fighting world has obviously taught you a shit ton of about yourself. What would you say is like the biggest lesson and the biggest takeaway from your fighting career? - Oh, this is good. - Gosh, there are probably so many life lessons that I've taken away from my fighting career. But let's just talk about this specific one for right now, because the reason why is because it's, it's kind of turned a little bit into my mantra and what I challenge people to do. So something that Mike Tyson talked about in some of his interviews was people would be like, how did you go in there and fight, weren't you scared? And he's like, I was scared every time. - Yeah. - But I had to face it. And that's actually my biggest thing. No matter what we do in our life, there are going to be things that are scary that involve risk that look like the caution tape. I don't know if I should do that. And I believe you got to do it scared. - Do it scared. - And that's the reason why I stepped in the ring. I stepped in the ring 'cause I had to do it scared. I was scared, mindless. And like I said, I grew up doing sports. I was a competitive swimmer and swimming, competitive swimming puts a lot of stress on you. I was a stressor at my swim meets. - Yeah. - You understand. - The culture of swimming I think is also very life. - It's intense. - It's so intense and kind of same with gym. - Yeah. And I was like on a winter one, so it was like the competitive year round one. And I just remember putting a lot of stress on myself, but nothing compared to facing what I had to when I stepped into the ring. It was a different kind of fear that you don't understand unless you do it. Which is why not a lot of people do. - Yeah. - And you think that you're fighting the person across me, but you're not, you're fighting yourself. - Whoa. - So it's, there's so many parallels. - Fucking mighty. - Fighting. - That's crazy. - So many parallels to fighting. - Yeah. - I mean, you're fighting your trauma. - You're fighting your trauma. You're fighting your upbringing. You're fighting. Your insecurity is you're fighting. Like just think about all of that. And for some people, and that's why I also tell people now, like you maybe you're going through like a medical crisis or maybe you're going through a divorce or whatever it is, you're fighting something. - Yeah. - So I just finally got to do a physical representation of what I had always felt internally. - Wow. - That was fighting, even when I was scared. - Do it scared. - So do it scared is probably-- - Does that tattooed on you somewhere? - No, but it should be. - It should be. - It should only have one tattoo. - It's so good. - Yeah, I just think that we, as humans, shy away from things that are scary, that are-- - 'Cause we love our comfort zone. - We want comfortability. - Yes. - It's in our human nature, actually. I was just reading my book. The mountain is you and it literally is like your default is comfort all with your self sabotaging figure out what you're doing That's what where that's coming from exactly self-satisfying. What are you chasing? What comfort are you chasing? But that takes introspection. Yes, and I think all another thing I realized is that introspection doesn't it's not everyone's Number one skill acquired it acquired skill But if you really just like do a deep dive in yourself and be like why am I avoiding this? Yeah, why won't I take this step? Why won't I step out on the limb? But you never know what possibilities can happen had I not stared in my opinion the biggest fear when I was in that Relationship was actually walking away when you would think that it wouldn't have been Yeah, you would think it would be facing that every day every three years or whatever But my biggest fear was walking away from it and who I would be on the other side of it Wow, and had I not done it scared because that's the reality of it Then I wouldn't have walked and become the person that I needed to be yeah, and that applies for everything that I've been through in my life so Who was scared? It's probably the biggest life lesson I've learned from fighting wow Facing the fears walking into the ring feeling all of that adrenaline like being scared if you're gonna walk out Yeah, that sounds Kind of morbid, but you know like you never know. I mean in any competitive sport you never know Yeah, and I mean It reminds me of that movie Christie. We were talking about that how I went to that movie premiere and like That I mean, I had never really seen a ton of and she had a crazy talk about trauma, but she was good Crazy Cuz she literally was living with her trauma and was being coached at the same time I don't recommend watching this Maybe it's yeah the most insane thing and she's a goat for females in the sport. Yes. I'm sure yeah, like I Again, it's it's like you think goodness you did it scared Because you might Have lost your life right do you know what I mean? Yeah, like you truly never know if a man can punch you in the face What else can they do exactly you don't want to find out we're not here to fuck around and find out Yeah, you don't sure you don't want to find out, but that that's I really you know I also love that they made a movie about her me too like I love that they're like really putting that on a platform and like sharing that story And also like do you get in our moment? Which thank God. Yeah, I think it's amazing Yeah, I think that we need more of this and I'm glad that it's becoming more and more of like the narrative You know different experiences. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's so cool. I'm just glad that you guys finally got Your spotlight because your sport is The most insane sport. I mean, I always say gymnastics is one of the hardest I think fighting's harder Oh, it's just different. Yeah, it's different. I would say gymnastics. I mean now we know Dude I said we don't vote. I mean, we think about that though even when we were in the gym. Yeah You even told me like get out of your head like yeah, and I had a Doing a cartwheel on the bounce beam is doing it scared y'all. Yeah, I don't care who you are Flying off those bars jumping on to the bars. I was like it I would say that Everything you guys do is that yeah, you have to literally it's like it. It's like it's the same thing right Which is why sports are amazing? Fear doesn't go away. It doesn't you just get more familiar with it You'd be friend it you recognize that it's there and I was even talking about this with my friend Molly who's a Red Bull cliff diver And I that was one of the biggest and most shocking things that I learned when I was hosting for Red Bull was Every single person up there on that 90 foot platform. It's scared shit. Of course But you think you're like then why do you do it? But it's just like they just find a way to cope with the fear Better and yeah, and they tackle it. Yeah, it's like a talent like you just learn to handle fear and you learn to manipulate your breath and you learn to Face fear in the face and do it anyway, and I think that is like one of the most incredible skills you can take on as a human being Because you share that with you through everything, you know, yeah That's you know, I asked my coach one time walking out into a fight because I would get so nervous before them like where I would not talk to anybody Yeah, I was like in my zone in my element. Oh girl. I literally would hide in the bathroom before my floor team. Would you listen to music? I listened to the floor music's before mine because I was like third or fourth in the lineup. Okay, and so I literally would go into my Go into the bathroom go to my little shell. I could not be around anybody. You needed to zone in. Yeah, I was into your your The most nervous competitor ever. Yeah. Okay. That was me under the table. I'd be like staring at my phone watching videos of my floor team in the past like Trying to visualize like everything but I have really bad ADHD. So I would get overstimulated by the huge crowds. Yeah, so I had to like revert to My little shell. Yeah, and that's in well actually know nothing you think about it most sports are done in front of a huge crowd The crowd element is I think the trickiest part. It was a really big shell shock the performance element Because you don't want to disappoint yourself, but you also don't want to disappoint the people watching and I would be I would I had a song that I always listened to. It's so funny and it helps me lock in because it became that routine for me Like you know like when was it either tiger? I'm scared. It was it wasn't that one. It was actually have you seen gladiator? No. Oh, what? What you haven't seen the like a big extreme sport? Okay, West is over here. Not of me too. Okay, because this is with like Russell Crowe This is like iconic movie. Okay, shooting movie night girl. Okay, we I have to use you to gladiator. Okay, so there's this song though that they play Um, beautiful song by I think it's on Zimmer But I like this is the song that I would do to get me in the locked in yeah, I would be hiding underneath the table Because because you're in a room fooled with other people getting ready to fight that are of your color So there's blue corner or red corner. Okay, so like there's different teams and fighters in the same room And I'm like there's the same room is your opponent No, so just everyone that's red corner got it and then blue corners the opponents of the red corner got it So they're all in a room. You're all in a room. Got it. Sometimes they would separate the girls. Thank you The girls from the guys, but sometimes they wouldn't because like what if there's only one female on the card? Wow But I would do that and I would get locked in and I remember asking my coach. I'm like What can I do to like help with like the nerves? I'm so nervous He's like when you're walking out to the ring when you're feeling all of that like the adrenaline and the noise and like that fear You feel yeah, he's like I want you to take that and I want you to use it as like energy in your performance Ah, it's not exactly it exactly and it's so hard sometimes to differentiate between the two And that but all this is the mind which helped me. Yeah, it's a huge it's a little just a mindset switch of life This isn't anxiety. This is fear. Yeah, it's excitement because I'm ready. Yeah, because I'm ready. Yeah And once I started to do that I wish they would teach that more when you're younger. Oh my god I just think it's so important in in young athletes Because I never understood that and so I was much older But even little tricks like smiling to make your brain release a chemical that's more serotonin Embracing your hands. Yes, in victory. Yes, like all the things they tell you things in your biological Yeah, DNA that you can actually help you perform better. Yeah And so I always encourage athletes to either go see a sports like just to learn or just I agree research like Take like an hour You know once a week to just do a little research on like how can I improve? And how can I control my controlables because I feel like right so yeah, that's a good one especially in this like victim mentality era where everyone's just like oh my god. What was me like I can't do this because my coach isn't doing that it's like Well, then control your controlables. What can you do right now? What can you do today? I agree to take control of your sport to take Take control of your life your routine. It's no one else's responsibility, but your own right. I agree I think that I think that's a good one to control the controls. Yeah I I agree with that because there's so many things that are outside of our control. Yes, especially in your sport Yeah, literally punching your face. Yeah, they're in just in life There's so many things outside of our control and we can't focus on those things. We just need to focus on like what we can do. Yeah Absolutely Okay This is insane and we have not talked about this and I'm really excited to hear about it. Okay um You had a stroke Yes, I did I did um I can't even remember How long ago probably was like three and a half years ago now what age were you 30 31 Are you okay? How are you doing? I am I am okay At the time, I mean, and this you want to know what I just got to talk about this I think this is also why we go through stuff. It's almost like to prepare us for maybe things that are going to happen to us So we know how to handle Uh heightened situations or hard situations but um first Anything health related that's ever happened to me um I've never even broken a bone Yeah, never broken a bone. I was never like cut like nothing and so this was out of nowhere and it was also it like I was literally at like the peak of my of my health. I was so and so were you still fighting? No, I wasn't you were retired. I was retired So and that's actually a question they asked me they asked me if I had because I told them I was a kickbox So they asked if I had taken a hit to the head or something. Yeah, of course It was a but I was like no, no, I haven't been doing any of that But I had just gotten done teaching a workout at fight camp and I was in my office and I was under a lot of stress So I do think that stress played a big part in this and stress is the biggest killer silent killer for sure You need to control the stress that's it and honestly this was a big wake-up call for me to be like I need to control the stress in my life. It's never that deep. Yeah, if right. It's like who cares Yeah, until you're on a hospital bed. Yeah, oh my god Why was I so sure health? Yeah, and that's the only focus. Yeah, you're just thinking about being better the world disappears Yeah, mm-hmm all the stuff you were just about doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It really does not matter There's actually a different thing that happened in my life that made me realize that That's actually why I got this oh wow, but we can talk about that. Yeah, I would say that that was the biggest wake-up call for me When it let's talk about it now. Okay. Okay, let's get into it So because this actually happened before my stroke okay in 2019 I I think I had only been back in the states for two years and I actually come from a family of five which is actually now a family of four siblings Yeah, so it was in 2019 that we actually lost maybe brother to addiction and I remember I remember being like whoa Not the thing is it's like take the abuse take the whatever you go through Nothing prepares you for losing somebody in your family and I just remember being like This this if all the fighting was for anything it was for this fight It was like the biggest fight that I've ever walked through I Was depressed. I mean as you are like I Remember like going home to see my family for like a like a month in some change and I just remember us just like And what's crazy is I had just gotten engaged right before he passed well and I remember Just having to arrange the funeral for my family and I had to be that like that strength for my family Yeah, because my parents were distraught like see and I just remember being with my siblings and it's so interesting When you deal with grief Everyone deals with grief so differently. Oh, yeah. That's a huge Wake I was like whoa like are you sad this person's Having a meltdown. Yeah, the other person's like this person like going all over the place I mean off the walls. Yeah, it's so crazy and I just remember I don't think it really hit me. Well, it hit me like as soon as I receive the news I remember it so clearly I was on the highway driving back to LA because I worked in production and I would drive out to Orange County every day and You know we had dealt with this we had dealt with the ups and downs of this for six years. Yeah, like this was a so hard on your family too. It was it was almost like It was almost like I had prepared for that phone call. Yeah, and you never want That's your biggest fear every yeah, your biggest fear is coming to light. You almost like de-sensitize yourself You just want to be prepared. Yeah, and it's like it doesn't matter I talked to a friend who also like her brother had struggled with this as well. He's alive and he's better now. Thank God But I just it doesn't matter how much you prepare yourself. You're never ready for that phone call No, and I remember my mom called me and she's made sure my brother-in-law was on the the phone too and she's like Yeah, he's gone and I had to pull over the car. I was like whoa. I was like I I cannot I was distraught You know, it's really sad because I Really feel like I was gone for like the majority of his struggle So I think sometimes that's something that I I fight within myself is like Could I have been there, you know for him during his fight? because his fight was fighting addiction and Again, it's something that people don't like to talk about because it's very shameful Not only for the person, but for the people that are affected by it. Yeah, it's a very shameful thing to be like Because like the way people talk about it is so insensitive as well, but it really It's a disease. It is it's a disease no matter what you struggle with. Yeah We're not you're not to put a lot of disclaimers on this episode. I'm sorry Oh, sorry addiction Dimitri is how are we feeling? Bementures, so I Like what's how we do? Disclaimer you could cut any cut anything out you need to but I just think sometimes I do I felt that for a long time just like Could I have been there like to kind of like help feel him setting him in the right direction or whatever? You know like you you feel that like with someone absent skill, but I just remember After that year happened and then 2020 happened and it was the pandemic and yeah, I lost my job My husband lost my job. I'm just like talk about like the like Like all this stuff happening. Yeah, I decided to leave production because of because of him Well, because I think what it made me realize is like and I've said this before, but I don't want to waste my life Like anything can happen. Yeah, we're not guaranteed tomorrow. We're not guaranteed like a month from now We're not guaranteed to live till we're 50 or whatever like I don't want to waste my life And if that's something that my brother's life taught me then I don't want to do him into service I want to live my life for my brother. Yeah, and I want to head and got this for him. I Which is like for like the semi-colon projects. Yeah, which is like to raise awareness for people who struggle with like addiction Depression like suicide. Yeah in all the different things mental health Because it says that their story is not over. Yeah, their story continues on so I Really take it upon myself that I want to live my life like in the best way possible to the fullest To continue my brother's story So there's something you said that made me specifically think of it you were like Oh, yeah, it puts a halt on your life. Yeah, I would say that that was the biggest hope for me. I was like I don't care about my career. I don't care about this. I don't care about anything Because we're not guaranteed that all of this is going to be here So it's almost as if like this situation and even I mean because that was far worse than the relationship I went through. Yeah It's almost as if like it prepared me For the medical thing that I went through Because I mean having a stroke is not a small thing. It's like no. It's like pretty wild like what's the survival rate for that do you know honestly? I wouldn't know because most people don't have it my age. Yeah, it's like it's like older. Yeah, I like you 70s my great uncle had a stroke and he couldn't speak for Years that's what I mean. Yeah, it's not common it affected his life for the rest of the remainder of his life Yeah, yeah, I wouldn't know the stat because it's so uncut all I know is it's very uncommon and they never figured out why no We did oh, we did figure out so I ended up having a sin called a pfo Which is a small opening in your heart. So I had to have heart surgery. Yeah, just girl You need to have a movie. I had a heart surgery. No, I make a movie about this girl I have lived like 12 lives I actually feel like my life is like a play I really is that one Kansas City act two the abuse act the three like it She takes on the fight like I think it's weird strongest one I think I've ever met stop. I'm not Thank you, but I feel the same about you. Yeah, so many storms Yeah, but you still have like the most incredible spirit because Because I just refuse to let life win and maybe that's the fighter in me You know and I just really wish that I could have given that to my brother. I could give it to the girl. They really needed it and Sometimes I like to say that I want to fight for the people that can't fight for themselves and I just refuse to let life win we can like What's the point then like why are we even here? And I I bottle with that like what why would we be here if it's just to like kill over and let ourselves like die? Yeah, so I just want to use My platform my voice my talent my skill my whatever my experiences To show people that they can overcome things as well We you're definitely doing that. I mean you're doing that today. Yeah shit You're me crying So I just Again, like I don't wear these things as a badge of honor like I don't I want to say that like I'm not wearing these I'm like well look what I've been through because I it's not in that way it's just that Again, I think that we go through painful things To lead us to our purpose. Yeah, like I always tell people my story is like a painful A pain-to-purpose story. Yeah, like What was used against me was now used to help me to only help me help other people. Yeah, it gave you It gave you the strength exactly gave you the purpose and for all factors. Yeah Because I mean, I really don't know what I'd be doing in my life. I really do think though from a young age I Always had a fighting spirit in me. Yeah, it's just It's almost like I needed to like unlock it to it's like full potential because even as a kid like I was bullied because I was a tomboy like to the extreme well and I just remember like I could not stand When other people would make fun of people for the sake of it I would watch that happen and I would go over and console them and make sure they were okay Because you have empathy. I just yeah experience it yourself and you know what it feels like and you're like I'm never gonna let someone else feel that way never let them feel that way. Yeah And even like to this day like People that are kind of the ones off to the side or like not talking with other people like I should go I want to make sure they're okay like casual conversation I We have a gift in the Midwest. It's called a Midwest goodbye. It's It's where you go to say bye and then you talk for another hour I'm done with the gifts of Gavin the Midwest So there's never an issue. There's never an issue striking up conversation Talk about anything Good thing because we're on a podcast so glad you can get back. Oh my gosh. Well, I will say I know you said I don't want to say these things to make it seem like I'm claiming them or whatever like I genuinely cannot tell you enough like if someone were to see you on the street meet you in person gets to know you for even five ten minutes Not one person would know the shit that you've been through. Oh, yeah I don't I don't talk about it. It's such a huge testament though because you have such an incredible light in you I think and I think Women especially hearing this story is going to give them so much hope knowing that one is a lot in the tunnel, but then there's also This story and this this lesson where No one can take your light if you don't give it to them. Yeah, that one. Yeah. Yeah that part. Thank you Of course. All right. I think it's time we shift gears and Go into a little segment that I do here on the show called your athlete. Oh, okay. It gives us a chance to give Our audience a little advice. Oh, I like it. Yeah Wait first before we get into it. Mm-hmm. Are we okay? Health wise. Yeah, okay more of the story. Yeah, I had a heart surgery. Okay. Had a heart surgery Okay He's got way back in it. Yeah. Yeah. How to heart surgery? Okay, and East my way back into training and like really like took my time and everything. Wow, I Am lifting heavier than I did. I do my full like I have full function on my right arm because I lost function on my right arm I don't have any deficits after that. And you know what? Let's leave it on this This is why your health is so important Yeah, because had my health not been usually when people that are older that do have strokes their health isn't the best declining Yeah, and maybe they can't bounce back Yeah, and maybe they aren't eating the best or you know whatever, you know fill in the blank So there's a reason why the stroke happens whereas mine happened because of like a birthing like the way I was like Born so had my body not been healthy and I didn't focus on recovery and sleep and like all the things that I need to I might not have walked away from that as easy as I did and had as good of a recovery as I did Yeah, but I think because I was so healthy going into it It was my saving grace. Wow. So I mean, I can take care of your health I can attest it out because like people ask me all the time how I got back from my Achilles surgery Exactly as I did and I was like I am just So dialed when it comes to recovery like I took that shit so seriously I made my full-time job. Yeah, and thank god I had the ability to do that. You know I was living at home I was able to go and do hyperbaric chambers and Mm-hmm get therapy and higher personal trainer and like I had all these resources Yeah, and I took full advantage and I made sure to eat healthy and go to bed early and not drink alcohol and like all these things And it's again controlling your control bulls because it truly will dictate the rest of your life It will and your life is gonna look very different now because of for sure Care of yourself and I also didn't realize how much training and this is important to highlight I don't like use this word these words lightly, but how much it affected my mental health. Oh absolutely It was not working out not being able to having to ease my way. I was going to say oh, yeah I was stir crazy. How long was the recovery? You know, it took it took a couple months for it before I could finally get back into like full training like girl What that's impressive? What do you mean a couple months? Yeah, no, no, no, it took a couple months because I was determined and what I would do is I would just wear like shout out Polar sponsors monitor podcast. Yes. I wear a polar heart rate monitors for Jim and I would monitor my heart rate I would monitor it monitor it because they open heart surgery stroke back in a few months. No big deal Yeah, we'll break will not open heart. It wasn't open. Okay. Okay. That would be hectic So they used to do open heart for my procedure, but now they're able to go through like your Femoral artery It's scary. I don't like to think about it. I was asleep Yeah, they like go through so they go through the formal my card my Surgeon was amazing. They go through this and then they take this little device that's kind of like a little clasp and then they stick it through the opening and then it like locks the left and right atrium It's so fascinating what the hell I practically am a doctor now after this and you have a I have a device a device in my heart But it's not like a it's not like a metal device that you would they would go off. Okay. It's like a fab It's like this like weird meshy fabric. You know like the little Chinese finger traps. Yeah. Yeah, it kind of feels like that It's like fibrous. Yeah, what the hell and you had me touch it, right? I don't I don't you wouldn't be able to feel it Oh, because it's like it's like hell did I touch someone had a heart surgery and they had me touch there I'm like mine's like in my heart, okay, and then like your muscle tissue grows over it Yeah, whoa, it's crazy, but I did I had like I had they had called like phantom arm Okay, I had like phantom symptoms for a long time after I again It was another mental thing. Yeah, where I was like I'm having a stroke because I had so much PTSD From having it. Well, yeah, because there was no real cause obviously there was a cause But there was nothing that was leading up to that where you were like oh Like could happen. It's a freaking jump scare like it was oh my god crazy. Yeah, you're insane But yes, we're good. We're good. All is good health is good You got my or ring on your impressive as hell. That has for sure. I'm so glad we met. You're so cool All right, let's get into dear athlete. How do you know the difference between a season that's challenging you versus a season that's hurting you Ooh, this is a really good question. How do you know it's kind of rapid fire? So okay? We'll shoot right now. I forgot to mention that part. Sorry. Okay season that's hurting you versus a season. That's what a season that's challenging you so basically How do you know the difference between something that's hurting you versus something that's challenging you? I'm the first. Oh, yeah, let's do it. I Think this is a really deep question, but I think it's a deep question. I'll tell him like I know fire. I'm like geez Hunter okay, I think for this one it's What outcome you're looking for? Mm-hmm. I think when you see Situations that are harmful versus situations that are challenging It's like well what what result are we chasing after? Yeah, are we chasing after approval? Are we chasing after? You know This delusional support that we're getting from a partner that is maybe not actually healthy for us, right? Or are we being challenged to grow into a bigger space right to Step up to the the play and be able to knock out the park and I think a lot of times too. We say like What is it? It's like that saying of it's either An obstacle That's helping you to overcome and get stronger from it or it's an obstacle that's steering you in a different direction Yeah, like being like water. It I always feel like I'm such a big energy person. I'm like if there's friction. It's not for me Hmm Yeah, being able to decipher is it friction because it's not for you or is it friction because you have to overcome it? Yeah, you know, I think the way that would answer this now that you say it because I like everything you said is I would think about what the motivation is Yeah, so it's like motivation and goal. Yeah, and then I would say another thing is is Yeah, am I am I trying to like walk away from this because of and like an insecurity or a fear yeah, or because it's a lesson Mm-hmm because I actually it's it's tricky because sometimes like those like Challenging things are actually the lessons for the best things for us. Yeah. Yeah, so I would say the motivation is the biggest love that determining factor What would you say to someone who's feeling trapped in a toxic relationship or environment? That there is help and The first thing I would say actually is that you're loved and you don't deserve it Those are two things I think that you need to hear more than anything because I think sometimes people think they deserve the way that they're being treated Or that they are the problem. That's why they're being treated the way that they are. Yeah, you are love You do not deserve it well, and I would say the other thing is is that there is help. Yeah, there's resources there is resources and there is And that there is hope on the other side of the abuse as well. That's amazing. I would say yeah, just You're not alone. Yeah There's always somewhere and someone you can go to always And you're not a burden. You're not a burden. Yeah. Yeah. And to get out Get the hell out. Yeah, if you've been like your gut. I feel like females Specifically have the most incredible instincts and I'm always sure I'm like trust your instincts Yeah, your gut is telling you something listen to it women intuition man. Yes. The women would great FBI agents. Oh my god incredible I find out anything's easiest instincts All right, last one. Okay This is very on brand Very on par with what we just chatted about. Okay. How do you turn painful chapters of your life into purpose instead of letting them define you? Oh, wow. That's like literally. I know like what I said. I'm just that good. I got right Great professional How do you turn painful situations into purposeful ones? Mm-hmm. You do exactly that you share your story and I would also say Like that the the question is the answer. Yeah, because I think too often sometimes we want to sit in the pain Or we just want to see this other thing, but I think, yes, but you, I think that that's exactly it. I think sometimes the fire is exactly the answer. Yeah. And we want to run from the fire when actually I think that really, I think that's what, that's what we need. We need that fuel. So I would say that the answer is on the question. I think it's taking those situations. First of all, healing, for those experiences, when you're going through it, when you don't have the perspective, you need to almost like get a bird's eye of you. Yeah. And I did actually have a teacher once upon a time that said, not to share on experiences until we've seen the other side of it, and I agree with that, because we never want to be teaching from a place that's half. We want to be teaching from a, we want to be like helping and sharing from a place of being more whole. Yeah. And honestly, our perspective changes so much when we're going through it. Oh, yeah. So I would say heal from it. And then I would also say find a way that you can use that in whatever it is that you do to like help other people, because I think that also is like how we come full circle. Yeah. The pain, we go through the healing, we go through the life less than the skill, whatever. And then we come around and we teach it to somebody. And I think that's the full circle of appreciation as well, is like being able to finally share it and impact other people for otherwise the pain was for nothing for nothing. Yeah. That's so beautiful. I love that. I think we're going to end on there because I like anything else to add. Yeah. Thank you so much for coming on. You're incredible. I saw my eyes out. Next time we're going to have tissues, I swear. I literally was like, I cannot believe I don't have tissues. Little post-make-ups. Yeah. Like, damn it. I appreciate it. And also, I love that you are creating this space for, you know, I know you're also like taking male guests as well, but creating this space as a woman in sports. But outside of that, allowing women to come in and share their stories, I think speaks volumes about you and I really appreciate you allowing me in here. Thank you so much. I love you. You're the best. I love you. All right, you guys. Thank you so much for tuning in and I will see you next Wednesday. [BLANK_AUDIO]