Gracie and Nikita Ducarroz on BMX riding, Living with Anxiety, and the Reality of Extreme Sport

I was like struggling to leave the house again and basically like get me back to a place where I could like go to the grocery store without having a panic attack and stuff. She's a two-time Olympian, a Red Bull athlete, a Vans Pro Cup winner. Tokyo 2020 bronze medalist achieved a world's first by landing a flare turn down at Red Bull featured. And you might have even seen her on the cover of Elle Magazine, Nikita DeGro, welcome to athletes after hours. Thank you, thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited you're here. Finally. She's an LA! Let's go! For those of you that don't know, Nikita and I met at Red Bull Rampage and we immediately hit it off. It was like girls trip from the rip. It was such a good time. That was that was one of the most like instant connections with that group. No, literally, and I feel like two to have such a core group of girls bond as quickly as we did within really what three days. Being on that trip, like it was so refreshing to be around strong empowered like alpha females who were not threatened by each other and to just like bond so quickly. It was just, it was magical. And cool too that we were all all came from such different sports and backgrounds and stuff because I think you get really caught up in like your own sport and the same group of people. So yeah, to be, to meet like like-minded people but from different kind of areas was. Oh my gosh. It was cool. Huge. It was so fun. Well, I want to start from the very beginning. I want my audience to get to know you a little bit. Where are you from and how in the world did you get into BMX? So where I'm from, I grew up in California in Northern California. However, I was born in France and my dad is from Switzerland. So kind of a bit all over the place. And BMX sort of just fell into my lap. I was always athletic growing up. I played soccer pretty competitively. Like travel team and all that when I was like very early teens. And then around 13 I started having like pretty bad anxiety and had to quit the team quit the soccer team. And my mom told me if you're going to quit, which my dad was the coach also. She said you have to do some sort of sport like you can't just stop moving. And so in a desperate attempt to find something that I could do basically at home because I was I was having so such panic attacks and stuff about leaving the house. I came up with bikes that I was going to ride bikes sort of like more mountain bikes in the beginning because we had a lot of hills near us. And then I just stumbled across BMX on YouTube. I just I don't really remember exactly how but yeah, I just found some videos. I guess probably I was searching bike videos. Found some BMX stuff that it looks really cool saved up my birthday money to buy a BMX bike by the time this was like around 14 years old. And yeah, just never looks back. Oh my gosh. Did you watch like Red Bull BMX videos? Do you think I feel like back then I don't know. Not that I can remember. Like I feel like I just watched like like kids that had like YouTube channels. Okay. And then like X games and stuff like that. Yeah. Yeah. High old. That is such a cool story. I don't think I've met anyone that's found their sport just through YouTube. Like how cool, especially in this day and age, it's like so common now. Yeah. But I think like back then when we were little, it was like, you know, you get thrown into it because you know, your neighbors are doing it or whatever. I love that. I almost forgot something really important. We need to crack our Red Bulls. Cheers. Cheers. Give me a little cheesy. Cheers. All right. ASMR. Here we go. I just popped the freaking nail off. Oh my god. I wasn't wondering when two out of us was going to break a nail doing that. You have that rollback and slow motion. That's that's staying in. That was probably the funniest thing I think I've ever done. Guys, I literally just got into like gluing on my nails. I'm pretty sure you'll end the nail. Oh, whatever. It's fine. Cheers. Pour one out for the fall in there. Pour one out for the boys. My poor nail. So for those of you that don't know, she's a Red Bull athlete. So it's only customary to pop a little cold one for today's episode. It is not sponsored. You guys know I do work with Red Bull. So for those listening and watching who have never even heard of BMX, how would you explain it to them? So typically the way I would explain it is I would say, okay, do you know what skateboarding is? And most people do know what skateboarding is. So then I would just equate it to skateboarding but on a bike. Small bike. No motor because a lot of people then the next question is like like motocross. No, no motor. And essentially like what I do specifically my discipline. We ride typically larger wooden ramps compared to like the cement bowls that you kind of would find in most of the cities and stuff. And we have 60 seconds on the course to basically do whatever routine that we want to do. It's like freestyle. Yeah, exactly. And that's the whole competition is just you going you get 60 seconds and that's the whole entire. Yeah, two times we get to go two times. Okay, sometimes like in a qualifying round, it'll be both runs count. So you the goal there is to put enough down but also be consistent. And then usually like in the finals, then it will be best run counts in there. You can kind of unleash a little more. Yeah, you like pull out the big ones. Yeah. So then are you competing two different routines? Are you doing the same routine that you know will potentially, you know, get you into the top spot? It depends. It depends on like how hard we're going and for qualifying when it's two runs count like typically in these these last few years, I'll just do the same. Because you really just want to like not take too many chances, just be consistent. Yeah, it's high risk of you. Yeah. And then for finals, I usually have kind of like a safety run. And then if I land that safety run, then the second run is just go all out. Like I'll probably add like another trick there that maybe is like really scary or or a little bit more difficult that I don't don't have like a hundred percent chance of landing. So it's nice to always get that safety run down because then you have that second chance to kind of try something maybe that let it rest that is a little unknown. A little unpredictable. Yeah. I love it. How often do you do that? Do you like really pull something out that you're like, is it usually kind of based on your competition? You're like, oh, I really need this high difficulty to pull forward in front of them. Or is it all like what's the strategy? I mean, I think it's it's just mostly by feel every competition is a different course. And most of them are courses that they build specifically specifically for that event. And so nobody has written them before we'll get like not very long before the event will get like a rendering of the course, but I mean until you're actually there, you can't tell like how tall something is the space between them, like what speed you need. So it's not really until like that first practice day that you really know exactly what's possible. Yeah. And then if it feels good, then you're like, oh, we can we can totally pull this out and just kind of depending on a little bit what everyone else is doing to like if you. If you get a good spot in qualifying, you have the advantage of starting later in the pack for finals. So then you kind of have a chance to watch a little bit and see what's going on. Yeah. And kind of adjust got it. Clearly, you're very accomplished based on all of the freaking athletes. I just stood off. What is one athletic accomplishment that trumps the rest? I mean, I would I would have to say the Olympic, the Olympic medal just because especially like coming from a sport that's pretty niche. And a sport that wasn't in the Olympics when I started like oh, really? No, it was only in the Tokyo was the first one. No way. So 2020, 21 and you made it your bitch made it happen. Yeah. So it's like I didn't grow up. I mean, when I when I played soccer, I wanted to go to the Olympics. Yeah. But then once I started writing BMX, like that there weren't even competitions for women really when I first started. So like I was just doing it. I was just kind of winging it like it was fun. There was like I didn't know any other girls doing it. Yeah. So there was no kind of like final goal. It was just like I was just writing. I wanted to like try to be sponsored and stuff like every little kid wants. But especially on the women's side, like there wasn't really a path to do any of that. So then yeah, to have that medal now and and have it have it be more recognized like everyone knows what the Olympics is. Yeah. And and also just to like be able to show our sport on such a huge stage like that was really cool. That is so cool. That honestly, I feel like might have been maybe the best way to get into a sport though because passion is the fuel. Oh, yeah. Not the medals, not the titles, not the Olympics. Like I think a lot of in gymnastics anyways, I think a lot of athletes struggle with this massive overbearing expectation. [BLANK_AUDIO] you need to go to the Olympics. You need to be at the top school, the top university yet. You see a LA and like, I get messages daily from parents. Like, how do I get my kid to go to the schools? And how do I get my kid to go to the Olympics? And it's like, why don't you focus on what your kid's doing right now? Why don't you focus on their mental health? Why don't you focus on their joy in the gym? Because that's what's gonna get them there. You can't, it's like one day at a time, especially with sports like ours, where there's so much fear. And if you rush, you will have some really gnarly issues down the road with your mental state. Oh, yeah, sure. Like, you need to, you need to love doing it because yeah, it's so scary, like, the stuff, the consequence is so high. Yeah. Like, it's not like, I mean, not to put soccer down, I love soccer and stuff. And like, it, to a certain extent, like, yeah, you need to be passionate about it too, to put in that level of work. But I feel like when I played soccer, I didn't have this like constant fear of like hurting myself the way that I do with BMX and stuff. So yeah, you really have to be like fully committed. Yeah. And I think, yeah, I think I wonder if it's gonna change now because now it isn't Olympic sport. And so now a lot of the kids getting into it are getting into it to go to the Olympics. So I'm curious to see how it's gonna emerge because yeah, when I started, it was it was purely just like, you go to the skate park, you ride bikes. Like, there's no parent telling you what to do, it was just like, drop you off, have fun, yeah. Oh, I love that. Yeah, I feel like something like BMX would definitely test the love because the love has to be greater than the fear. Oh, yeah, the same way. Yeah. If you could relive one moment in your career, what would it be and why? I mean, I want to say the same, the same one. I kind of figured. Yeah, I think that one, that one and also, there was a really good moment last April at the Red Bull featured when I landed that first trick. Oh, yeah, that guy on your Instagram? Especially for me, like that trick, well, the base trick. So it was a flare turned down. Then the base trick is just the flare. And that's been a trick that has just been like, eluding me for years, like in the foam pit. I couldn't even do it in the foam pit. For some reason, my brain, when people would explain it to me, I understood what they were saying I needed to do. And then my body just wouldn't do it. And it's like a pretty simple trick. And for some reason, I just couldn't. And so somehow, in the months leading up to that contest, I just was able to figure out how to do it. I actually figured out how to do it opposite first. It was only working opposite. And the only way I figured that out is because the guys were like harassing me to try them in the foam pit. Like guys that don't ride with me normally. And I was like, listen, this has been like years. Leave me alone. And I literally just to like show them. Like, look, I'll do one right now and you'll see what I'm talking about. And I went and I did one perfectly. And I was like, I was like, what the heck is happening? You little show off. You're like still watching, I gotta lock in. But then, yeah, so then I landed one opposite. And then I kind of transferred it over and figured it out regular. But at that event that night, I did the flare first without the combo. And that was my first one to wood. So I was already pumped just for myself. Like lots of girls were already doing it. - Took it out of the pit. - I was super stoked. - Huge deal. - And then, yeah. And then to like throw in the combo in the same night, like a couple tries later. - You're such a savage. - It was just a cool feeling, especially you like, there was a lot of like anxiety and stuff around riding, leading up to that. Where sometimes I would actually go to the park and not even be able to like do my like simple tricks that I do all the time. But for some reason, that one trick was fine for me. I could go and try it for three hours in slam and slam, slam and it was fine. - Well, I had no idea why. So that was like, yeah, that was a cool feeling. - I feel like yeah, after all of those hours that you put in to trying to get that skill and then for it to kind of just click, overnight almost. It's such a cool feeling. - I know exactly what it feels like. Like in gymnastics, are you kidding? If you do gymnastics, you already know. Like, it takes months to get a skill. And the second you click, so you're just like, thank the Lord, we got it. You've been in the sport for how long now? - I got my first BMX bike in 2010. - Okay. - And then probably four years later, I entered my first local, small competition. - So kind of coming up on like 16 years now? - That's crazy. - Your career can drive-- - That sounds insane, 16 years. Dude, I've been doing mine for 20. - Really? - Yes. When I turned 26, I was like, holy shit, I've been doing gymnastics for 20 years. I mean, I never thought in a million years I'd still be doing it. Like, really thought I'd be very much retired and maybe married and have children by now. But here we are. Okay, so comparing when you first started out with competition specifically, how do you compare what success looked like to you back then versus what it looks like to you now? - I think back then, like, I just, I wanted to like, do my tricks at the competitions 'cause a lot of times, like, especially with like back flips, for example, I had like just learned them and I would be like too scared to throw 'em just on the daily. I needed that competition pressure to get myself to do it. And so that's, I think, what I really loved about competitions is like that I had that pressure was like, you have to go now and you have to do it now. And like, there's no, there's no talking about it, you know? - Yeah, there's no daily talking. - I'm a huge overthinker. - Yeah. - And so it was like perfect for me. And just like, just throwing those tricks. And like, granted back then, there wasn't really like a lot of competition, like a lot of girls in general riding. So a lot of the times, it was kind of just like an automatic podium. - Yeah. - And I think, so there wasn't really a pressure of like getting on the podium. It was like, just ride your bike and do whatever. - Yeah. - And I think now, I mean, now it's insane, which is cool because now there's so many like young girls that are like between 12 and 15 that are insane. They're doing stuff right now that I will, I'm telling you right now, I will never do forever. - 'Cause they grew up watching people like you. - Yeah. - And that kind of crazy thing. - It's really cool to think about. - Yeah. - And there's just so many of them. And so now the women's classes is growing and the progression is crazy and the pressure. - Yeah. - Obviously, now just because- - It's not a K-pop anymore. - Whereas before it was an automatic podium. - No, it's like, you're lucky to make it to the finals at a World Cup. - Wow. - Because it's just so crazy. But yeah, it's amazing to see and like, yeah, now there's, there's a path to follow, to get to all these steps. - There's a training regimen too. You probably see like, I bet coaches are now talking like, hey, what are you doing with this girl? When are you having her throw this? - Okay, well, here's another thing, is that there weren't coaches before. - Shut up. - Coaches did not exist. You go to the park as this young kid with a bike and the older riders teach you. That's how it worked. The more experienced riders teach the younger kids. There were, the coaching thing only came into play when the Olympics came into play. - Wow. - Because before that, it's like, you basically represented yourself and your like independent sponsors. But there was no like Team USA, Team Switzerland, whatever, like there was no countries involved in anything. Like, sure, if you, when you compete at an event, like your flag will be next to your name. But the country's had nothing to do with it. It was just like you and your sponsors. And so, and every athlete was there independently. And then once the Olympics came into play, then the federations got involved. And then yeah, then there was teams from all the countries and coaches and training programs and all that stuff. - That is so insane. It's been like, oh my gosh. - Oh my gosh, fast growth. - Oh, I bet. And for you to watch it from literally zero to now 100, you're like, this is a completely different ball game. - Oh yeah. - It's a different sport. - It's crazy. - I mean, I can't even imagine gymnastics like coach. Like the risk involved is. - And then it's just like. - Oh my gosh. - You would just go and you would just try stuff. And then the older riders would see you try and stuff. And they'd be like, here, maybe like try it this way. And that was it. - That was how it worked. - Wow. - Would you say it's safer now with a coach? - I mean, I don't think so necessarily. Because I think, I mean, I think, like before my time, I think people would just like send stuff. - Yeah. - I think from my time on, we had foam pits and rezzy mats and everything. - Yeah. - So it was still like there was like steps. - There's still progression stuff. - Yeah. - Okay. - I wouldn't say it's safer. I think there's just more like structure routine and like guidance. - Yeah. - Yeah. - I will say now entering into this new era of gymnastics for me in my career, I coach myself, I literally just watch back on footage, film everything. And that's how I even got into filming my sport to begin with was because I needed to coach myself. I needed to watch it. And so what I've noticed though is the more I train alone without a coach, I've never been more confident in my abilities. I think because we as the individual are making the decision on cool, how does that feel? you have to be so much more in tune with your body. How does that feel? Do I feel like I can take it to the next level? Can I progress to something else? Instead of letting someone else tell you what to do. Like I know when I was a coach, you know, five years ago, I remember so many athletes being like, okay, do you think I should take it to high beam? I'm like, I don't know. What do you think? Think for yourself. Yeah. How do you feel? Yeah. I think you can kind of sometimes with coaches, you lose the ability to do that because you just become kind of like a robot and it's like, tell me, okay, tell me what to do next. And you don't ever really develop that ability to make those decisions for yourself. And then you're not instilling that confidence within yourself because you're not like, no, I know in my gut, I can do that. Exactly. And so like, I guess people that are listening, be mindful about when you're getting coached because yes, it's important to rely on your coaches for safety and for guidance, but also maybe be mindful about, okay, how can I think about how I want to take the next step? Where does that make you like a collaborative thing? Exactly. Maybe like a little robot being told what to do. Yeah. For sure. Obviously, you've been there since the beginning with BMX and you were that little girl looking up to a bunch of men, but the game has changed. Now there's little girls looking up to you. Why should young girls try BMX? I mean, it teaches you to keep trying. It's definitely something that I feel like has given me a lot of lessons just to bring into general life because with BMX, it's like, you have to try these tricks over and over and over again. And you are going to slam. Like it's a guarantee that you're going to fall and I think for like the average person when you fall off your bike, like it's a big deal. Yeah. When you're BMX, it's like, it's a given that you're going to fall at least one time in every session, if not more, if you're learning the trick. So I think it instills a lot of confidence. And I think it's also very fun because you can be super creative. It's really, it's a cool sport for people that are creative because there's so many tricks and styles and ways of writing. And I mean, that's why it's called freestyle BMX and it's like, you can have, you know, all these different writers have different styles. And a lot of times they, you can see like the younger writers that grew up like around certain pro-writers, their styles you can see are like super influenced by them. Yeah. It's something where it's like, you never stop learning. That's cool. There's always something new to do. So also good for people that get bored really easily. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's like a lot of things. It's just a really fun, free type of sport. It's a sendy ass sport. It also is. Yeah. It can be also very stressful. But there's a lot of good that comes with the bad. Speaking of, what was something that you were dealing with leading up to the Olympics that no one really knew about? Yeah. Yeah. So leading up to Paris, which I guess was about two years ago, two years ago, or an hour and a half. It was an hour and a half ago. It probably felt like it, honestly. Like about one month before and literally happened overnight because I remember leading up to it. I was, I was feeling so good on my bike, like at the qualifying events. I was having like really good practice sessions, which was rare because I always stress out during practice. So I was like, this is, this is crazy. Like I feel so good and everything. And then literally from one day to the next, I went home. And the next training session I had, all of a sudden, was just like, I was getting lost in the air, like just, just to go do like a simple 360 or a backflip. And I would just like, I just kept jumping off my bike, like midspin and just like weird things like that. And it was like, just slowly like, killed my confidence because, well, I started freaking out because the Olympics are in four weeks. Yeah. And all of a sudden, I can't even like ride my bike. And also, yeah, just like, it just kind of killed my confidence for everything else that I maybe still could do because I was like, I don't trust my mind and my body to communicate. Like I feel like I'm going to go to do something. And yeah, just like jump off or my brain is just going to be like, oh, squirrel. So I just had no trust whatsoever. And yeah, those like four weeks leading up were just like so stressful, just like knowing that I was going to this event that I've been working for the last three years as a COVID. Day and night to go to and then I wasn't going to be able to like show my best there. And then yeah, I was like pretty miserable there. I tried to make the best of it and like I enjoyed, I tried to enjoy the time there and stuff. But then, yeah, when it came to the competition and like my coach knew and my parents knew and stuff, that was kind of it. Like, there wasn't enough time to get help, you know, it was kind of just like crunch time. Do the best we can with what we have and I mean, I went, I went pretty shit, but yeah, I think now looking back at it, like there wasn't really anything we could have done differently. So yeah. It was just kind of the cards that were dealt, yeah, that specific time. I know you and I had talked about your experience obviously Tokyo versus Paris. And you mentioned something about feeling the pressure or going into the second Olympics because now there was the standard that was set. I mean, going into the first one, you're like, I'm just glad I'm here. You know, you're rooted in gratitude. You're just stoked to be there, stoked to be wearing the Olympic, you know, apparel. Like that's that's everyone's dream, right? So then to go for a second time, do you think that affected your performance in Paris? I think so. I think also like the first year with it being COVID and stuff too, like it got pushed a year. And so yeah, like you said, I think we were all just like so glad that it was finally happening that the only stress that there was at that Olympics was, don't get sick because we had to like spit in a tube every single morning. Oh, because COVID, yeah. And so it was like, like some athletes got sent home. Yeah. And it's like, you remember that all those years you get there and then you get sent home. Oh, that was like everyone's worst fear. Yeah. So there was no time to stress about anything else, which was kind of nice. And then yeah, no expectations because like no one had been to the Olympics before in our sport. So it was completely new. So then yeah, I think for Paris, like there's the expectations, especially having a medal from the first one and the sponsor expectations. Also I feel like leading up to it, I got like super, super paranoid about getting hurt. And I wonder if that had a little bit to do with it because I was like so stressed about getting hurt before the Olympics that I wonder if that's like, I just kind of like shut down of like any, any risk I was just like against it, which is crazy because your sport is literally like 100%. Yeah. But it was like fully blocking me from and the funny thing is I was like making it more risky by doing. Oh, yeah. For sure. I was like jumping off mid-trick and like just like blanking out and getting lost in the air. Yeah. So I don't know. I mean, never really figured out or anything, but I feel like, yeah, I feel like that was a lot of different like little pieces that contributed to it. I mean, that makes a lot of sense because a lot of times when you're thinking about getting injured, I obviously have coached a ton of kids that were very scared and had mental blocks and stuff. And the biggest thing is anxiety is rooted in the future, right? So what I always try to do with kids that I've coached is bringing them back to the present moment and focusing on things you can control because the result is something you cannot control. It's a result of doing the things that you need to do in order to set yourself up for success, right? So I think a lot of times, maybe when you had that mentality of, I don't want to get hurt, her is a result of something that's going wrong. Instead of how do I do something right now in order to set myself up to stay healthy? Right. You know, it's that really gnarly toxic like stuck in that negative mindset. Yeah. That is just, yeah, it's just like negative loop. That feedback loop is just going to keep reaffirming like you're going to get hurt. Just look at all the things that are happening now, you're going to get hurt and then just like bills. Yes. And then you can't even trust your body and it's like, I literally was just interviewing an Olympic artist swimmer and she said the same thing when she was underwater for too long. All of a sudden, she started coming up and it's like this mental block that because your body is feeling like it's in fight or flight. And you can't help but just like let it happen because what else do you do? Your body is no longer connected to your mind, like you said, oh, dude, I hate that. Like gives me chills, like thinking of, I know what that feels like too. So I just, I can't help but empathize. Have you ever received news before competition that kind of knocked you off your game? No. No. No. So now I have escaped that. I love that. She's in a bubble. She's untouchable. I feel like too with your sport because you guys are so like, you guys, I feel like your, your sport has like, bro energy where it's like, yeah, it is just freaking show up, knock some stuff out, go home, chill. Like I feel like because that mentality is your sport, it removes so much like unnecessary pressure that I think other athletes put on themselves. Yeah. Like I for sure can think of times where I have been extremely rattled, but you know what rattled me for getting my journal at home, wearing the wrong socks that I was really superstitious about for getting my slippers. like weird shit like that where it's like that is so. unnecessary. Yeah. Like, that is so dumb. Why are we adding this weird unnecessary pressure? No, that reminds me, Ashley. The night of the world's first event, I forgot my pants at the hotel room and we were in downtown Manchester and it was like, it took forever in the Uber to get to the hotel. So my friend and I had peddled to the arena. No way. And I peddled there in my loose pants, which are not my riding pants. Luckily, they were jeans and like, rideable pants, but I had like a full-on panic attack when I got there because I put up my pants. There was no time to go back and get them. And the pants are like, they're like very inflexible. The ones that usually ride in are like, jagging. Yeah. So they're stretchy. Yeah. So you feel like you can lose. I couldn't even like bend over in them. Oh god. So I'm just like full-on panic mode and like, it ended up being the best night ever and the pants were great. Okay. But yeah, so they're actually not like you mentioned them. Okay, it has happened one time. The pants crisis. The pants crisis. There's like some photos too. Like our friend was there, who's a photographer. He's like amazing photos and there's like, there's like a whole series of photos of me like in the couch and like the athlete lounge. Just like tears. And like some of the athletes are like, they're there. Like, you'll be fine. They're probably just like not having it. This chick over here is crying over some pants, y'all. Like, what's happening? Oh my god, I can't bend. Dude, my Taipei ass with freak out. Are you kidding? We were just bonding over how similar we are when our Taipei comes out. Okay. We did talk about your anxiety a little bit. Has that been just a consistent obstacle that's kind of shown up in your career the most? Or is there anything else that you know like kind of comes to mind that's shown up? I think that's definitely the biggest obstacle. And like, it's been in waves because at the very beginning, for like a year, I wouldn't leave my house. This is when I discovered BMX on YouTube. Yes. And so the bike is what got me out of the house. And I kind of used BMX and like I had such a passion for it that I I used that to basically get first literally out of my house to the local skate park. That was 10 minutes away. Yeah. And then the skate park that was 30 minutes away. And then driving to SoCal for a competition and like, then getting on an airplane. And it was just that constantly. That was like kind of the beginning of my career. I wasn't like pro then, but like that was like the start of it. The bike was like free therapy. Yes. That's the only reason I left my room. I'm gonna cry. That's really sweet. Like she's a I know I brought tissues this time because we had tears on the last app. So I wanted to make sure that was covered. Yeah. So like, at that point, it was like pretty bad. Yeah. Like I stopped going to school. I wouldn't like I basically wouldn't go anywhere. And I wouldn't I had stopped going to Switzerland, which we would go every year to visit that side of my family during the summer months. And I stopped when I was about 11 from 11 to 17. I didn't go with my family. I would stay back with my grandma. And that the one of those summers that I stayed back is when I discovered BMX. And I was just riding in her driveway like every day. Oh my gosh. So yeah. So then between now and then like it's there's been some years where it was like always present but less of a focus. And then there's been some sometimes like before the Tokyo Olympics. So like in November of the year before, it got really bad again. Like for the first time since kind of the initial phase where I was like struggling to leave the house again. And my mom had to fly to North Carolina because I was living there at the time and stay there for like six weeks with me. And like basically like get me back to a place where I could like go to the grocery store without having a panic attack and stuff. Nikita. So it's it's been off and on. I want to give baby you a hug. Holy crap. Yeah. It was especially when I was younger and like I didn't know how to verbalize it. Yeah. Because my parents at the time, which like I don't blame them, they just thought I was being like a difficult kid, you know. I was like, oh, I don't want to go to school. Yeah. But I was like having a panic attack about going to school. But outwardly, it just looked like I was like, no, I don't want to go. Like all kids, you know, we're like, don't want to go. But little do they know you're literally panicking on the inside, your heart rate spiking and you're crashing out. So I mean, it got a little bit better once I was able to like verbalize it. So obviously your anxiety was extremely bad when you were growing up. Yeah. Would you say that it's the exact same level as it was then that is now and you just learned how to cope with it and you have like resources that help you with it? Or do you think that you've kind of grown out of that? I think it's probably still the same level. But like right now, it's definitely been a bit more increased like in this time of the year. But yeah, I think just like having dealt with it for so long, learning tools to combat it, just maturing. I think just a combination of all that has made it easier to live with than when I was like 14. Yeah. Yeah. It's like I said, it kind of comes in waves where sometimes it's like less prevalent and then other times it's really ramped up again. Yeah. Wow. I don't think I've ever met anyone who's had like extreme anxiety. Like I know people that have experienced like anxiety from trauma. But to like grow up with anxiety, it just being a constant. Yeah. Like that's insane. Are you on medication for it? Well, currently no. Okay. But I was for like the last 10 years or more. So, but you know, it's like it can have such gnarly side effects. I think some medications can be good, but it's just crazy because like there's so many different ones and everybody's body is different. So like you can't just go to the doctor and they'll say like here, this one's going to be good. It's like it's a total crap shoe and you don't. Yeah. It takes weeks or months to adjust to a new medication and it could have like crazy side effects. So it's like it's just such a process to find one if you find one at all. Yeah. So I kind of figured like right now like I'm sure my body is different now than when I was 14 years old. For sure. And with like all the side effects, I was like I want to just kind of go back to a baseline and see kind of how I feel as a person with nothing. Yeah. And then kind of just go from there because I mean, I'm not, I'm definitely not like an anti-med person. I think I think meds can be great. It's just finding the one that works finding the one that works. Exactly. And if I don't have to be on one, obviously it'd rather that. For sure. Just to not have chemicals in my body, but at the same time, I think I think that people shouldn't be ashamed of taking medication for mental health-related stuff because it's like you pop an ad vote, you pop a title and all like you don't even think about it, you know, there's no shame, there's no or like so many other things. And so I mean, it's like it's the same. Your brain is honestly the strongest muscle. Really, like you have to take care of it. And sometimes, sometimes shit's broken and like you need additional help and that's fine. Yeah. I love that you're breaking the stigma, especially for athletes. I think it's really, really important. Yeah. Like we are told all the time, you know, to just toughen up and put a face on and fake it till you make it. And it's like, it's like cool, yeah, we'll fake it till we make it until what, until we, literally burn out, we're crying every day, we can't leave our rooms, we're depressed, we're struggling. And it's like, what now? Yeah. And I know we're too far gone. Yeah. And I think it's so glamorized to like, like not to say that we don't have amazing laughs because we do. And we, like I was thinking about that the other day, like I've gotten to experience so many things that like the average person will never experience in their life. And I'm like so grateful for that. And at the same time, like you still have to work hard and it's still a job. And there's still a lot of really hard parts to it and stuff. And I think on the mental health side of stuff, like especially I've found when I have posted stuff or I've seen other athletes posting about mental health. And like if they were taking a break or like whatever, you know, there's so much hate comments about like you have like such a good life. Like you would like imagine if you had to work like a nine to five and all this stuff. And it's like, yes, I get it. But at the same time, like you can't discount how hard like the hard work that is put into being an athlete 100% and then to be put on this massive stage thrown under a microscope and picked apart by pretty much every single person that watches you. That has no idea. No person that works in nine to five is sitting in front of millions of people getting picked apart on a daily basis. There's nothing comparable to that. And like people that say that there's no pressure. It's like touch some fucking grass. There's pressure. There's definitely pressure. Yeah. And like, yeah, I mean, you're also not making millions of dollars. No, we know this, but no one else knows this. Like I've talked to multiple of my friends who especially female professional athletes, it's this weird assumption that everyone, even me, who's not even competing anymore, who's a content creator, these people think I'm making millions of dollars. Guys, yeah, it's like do some research, figure it out, we're not making millions of dollars. It's mostly for the love. Yeah, the passion has to be there. Yeah. I mean, even this podcast, this podcast is not making me any money right now, like maybe hopefully one day that'd be cool, but like this is all out of passion. It's just because we love what we do and yeah, like it's great that we love what we do, but I also think things need to change. I think that you putting yourself out there on social media is huge. It's gonna help amplify your sport. It's gonna help get the other girls some more sponsorships. It's gonna help get some money to your sport as well. And like I was just talking with that Olympic artistic swimmer and she's like, yep, everything's everything that I'm making money-wise is from my social media. It's not even from my sport. And she's been to two Olympics as well. It's crazy. Even I kind of had this assumption prior to, I guess, interacting with more Olympic athletes, like outside of my sport. And yeah, same when I met some like swimmers and stuff from like the Swiss team and I was just like blown away. I'm like, they're like, yeah, we're like paying for all of this. Yes. And I was like, what? Like especially swimmer, I thought swimmers were like, oh yeah, because swimming has been around for a long time. Up there, you know? Yeah. And it's crazy, like, or I know a lot of each volleyball players now since moving and they all, they're like, it's expensive to pay for the travel. I'm like, what do you mean? Who's, what do you, you're paying for the travel to go to your competitions and your professional athlete? Yeah. And they're like, yeah, I think it's a big. It's all self-funded. Yeah. Just to chase the dream and to get that medal. And at the end of the day, you can't eat that medal. That medal is not paying for your house. That's just something that you hang up on your wall. You know? Yeah. And I think the more people realize that, I think the more they'll empathize with you guys and realize that you're not just these robots that make a shit to the money and, you know, ball out on TV, like your human beings who are, you know, just trying to make it and make the dream happen. Exactly. I say we talk about something a little bit more personal. You just recently got engaged. Yes. Congratulations. Woo! We're going to marry. So excited. Shut the little ring. Period. Tell me a story. How did he do it? I know it's unique. And it's so you, so unbranded. And I saw an Instagram screaming. So it was last October. We were in the Netherlands for the European Championships. And on the very last night, competition was done. They had everyone kind of in the stands for the podium ceremony. And I'll start this with, I had suspicions. Okay. He was not being very subtle. He tells me now that it's because he like didn't want to give me anxiety. So he was kind of like trying to drop hands. I was like, okay. Just so you can hear me. Yeah. But I just, we had like gone to Amsterdam a couple days before just to like do the tourist thing, whatever. Fun. So I was like, I think he's going to propose on this trip. So I was like constantly ready. You're like, I was like, we're locked. I was just ready. Yeah. And then it's like, it kept like not happening. Cause I was like, you know, he probably will do it like an Amsterdam, like a cute spot there. What wasn't happening? It wasn't happening. Like whole week at the competition wasn't happening. And like, okay, maybe I was wrong. Like, Robert, I cannot keep doing that every day. This is crazy work. Do you understand how long this is taking me? So then, so yeah, back to last night, everything's done. They finished the podium ceremony. Like, the guys are like literally walking off the stage with their champagne bottles and stuff. And the MC is like, oh, and I'm in the stands. Oh, and also, Robert was with me in the stands. Yeah. And then like 15 minutes before, he tells me he has to go to the bathroom. Just disappears. He disappears to the bathroom. And I'm like starting to get worried. Like, is he okay? Like, what's going on? And so then I'm like sitting there and I'm starting to like, feel like, okay, well, it hasn't happened yet. Like, everything's done. Yeah. So then the MC is like, before we end the night, there's one more thing. And I just like, I think all the blood just like came out of my face. I was like, I started like, my heart started going. I'm just like, oh, my gosh, it's happening. And he's like, I can really feel your anxiety. I was just like taking my phone out of my pocket and like handing it to my friends. And then he's like, but first, I think we need someone down here on the stage and he calls Robert. And also a couple nights before he had asked me kind of jokingly, he was like, are you going to cry when I proposed to you? And in that moment, thinking about it, I was like, because it's not really like a surprise because we talked about it, I was like, no, I don't think so. And like genuinely in that moment, I thought that I wasn't going to cry because I was like, I'm not going to be like super surprised because we've talked about it a little bit. Yeah. And literally the moment they called me down to the stage, I'm just like bawling. Like, I just couldn't even control it. And everyone was there. It was cool because like, there was a lot of people there that I'm like, very close with. And because the BMX community's very small. Yeah. So a lot of people that I grew up riding with or I trained a lot with and stuff. That's so special. Yeah. So he did it there. He cried a little bit too. At the beginning, I saw him wiping his eyes. And yeah, he proposed there. My mom was on FaceTime. My coach had her on FaceTime. Oh my gosh. And yeah. Good job, Robert. Good job, Robert. That took some guts because I was like stressed just being up there in front of everybody. And I know everybody. Yeah. He doesn't know anybody. Well, then he had an audience, an audience, yeah. Literally as an audience. Crazy. Well, that's amazing. I'm really happy for you. I love love. I'm so excited to see more content with you and him. You guys need to like start a little couples account. I did. I already started. Yes. I started to follow you guys. Oh my god. I'm so excited. It's just it's very fresh, but I'm trying. What I love about your guys' relationship is that he's not an athlete. At all. He's maybe athletic, but he's not an athlete. And I think that that is such a big testament to his confidence in like security within himself. Because think a lot of men struggle when women are the ones, you know, with their name and lights. I've seen it. I've seen it. I've seen it. I've experienced it. Yeah. Where it's like if you're, you know, live in your best life and you're successful in your thriving, it's like is it going to threaten the man? And I love that he just puts you on his on this massive pedestal. And you just, you get to live your life unapologetically and it doesn't threaten him at all. He's so amazing. Like there's times, you know, when I don't want to go on trips sometimes because I'm, I'm kind of feeling anxious about them or whatever or like I'm, I don't want to be away from him for so many weeks or whatever. And he's always just like you need to do it. Like he's so encouraging about it and like this is your job. Like this is what you love to do. Like go do it. And then like when I, when I brought him to the competition, like European champs. Yeah. That was the second competition I brought him to. And he was like such a good assistant. Like I'm sitting there, like getting ready and he's like taking everything out of my backpack and like folding my jerseys and like putting them on the table, like for me to change into. Oh my god. I'm just like, are you real? Like, you look, how did I get so lucky? So lucky. Oh, you guys, if he wanted to, he would. I'm gonna write that on a freaking wall. Um, I've noticed personally, as I've gotten older, the more vulnerable I am, the more I connect with others. And I love how vulnerable you are and how honest and real you are about, especially in regards to your mental health. Have you noticed that you've kind of impacted the athletic community with your voice? And really like, how does that help you connect with other athletes being so open? Yeah. I think for sure, just in general, like I've always, since like I was 14 and I did a school project about my anxiety from that moment. Like I had like other riders reaching out to me and like kind of saying like, oh, like I've, I've had the same thing whatever. And like from that moment, I realized how powerful it is to be open about it because there are a lot more people struggling with it than you think because everyone tries to hide it. Yeah. And then also it kind of took away some power from it. Like when I would talk about it or like let people know, I would be so much less stressed about if I would have some anxiety or panic, like when I'm like hanging out with those people or doing some job or whatever, like if they knew, if they were just aware, there was like 50% of the of the stress was gone. I love that. And so then, yeah, because you're like identifying that thing and it's no longer this like scary looming cloud, it's like I'm identifying anxiety. Yeah. - Yeah, you don't have power over me. - Yeah, I love it. - And so then, yeah, I've always tried to talk about it just on my own channels and stuff and then it's kind of starting the mind tricks, which is like the separate page I did to kind of encourage more athletes, specifically in the action sports community, but also kind of just have it open to any athletes. - Yeah. - I was just started sharing other athletes' stories on there and kind of getting the conversation going. And so I think, yeah, I would like to think that that has made an impact. I mean, I've had a lot of really positive feedback from that when we've done like a couple t-shirt drops. Like I, we made a couple shirts like in collaboration with friends of mine that do graphic design and stuff and it was kind of just like I wanted a shirt for myself and my family and then we're like, well, we'll make a couple extra like in case people want them and like people were so stoked on them and even people that I like wouldn't have expected would be like outwardly in support of it. - Yeah. - So that's been really cool to see. We're actually, there's another one in the works. Just have to make some pro most stuff for it. - Oh, that's exciting. - But yeah, it's just been cool to see it kind of become more spoken about and normalized. - Normalized, exactly. - I remember when you interviewed me for mind tricks. - Yeah. - That was so fun. I remember leaving that interview and thinking how proud I was of you for creating such a safe space for athletes to speak their minds and share. And I think it really inspired me to kind of feed that same vibe into this podcast because I agree, like there's power numbers and if there aren't enough people talking about it, no one's gonna listen. And so just continuing to further these conversations surrounding mental health is huge. For sure. And I think there's so much more, so many more athletes than we think that have similar struggles and stuff. - Yeah. - Yeah, I think even for me, just hearing when I hear other athletes talking about it and it's like, you just feel less alone and you also feel like you can kind of get ideas from them and especially, yeah, just collaborate and it's not so, it's not this big, dark secret. - Yes, it's not taboo or weird. Yeah, and I can kind of relate to that in the sense of like in the content creator space, talking with other content creators and hearing from them like, oh no dude, that video took me three hours. And I'm like, oh thank God, I thought I was the only one that took an hour to edit or whatever it was. And it's like, the more you talk about it, the better you feel, you're like, okay, so yeah, we're all just trying and we're doing it anyway. It's even if it's hard. And I think that that's a really cool thing and you won't get discouraged so quickly when you share that. So I love that. Good on you to really start the conversation though, especially already trailblazing your sport and leading by example and then to also use your voice, like that's what I wanna do with this podcast to utilize my voice as much as possible. So thank you for that. All right, I wanna jump in to a fun little segment I call Dear Athlete. It's like a spin off of Dear Abby in the newspaper. It's like an advice column, I don't know if you know it. But so I have my followers submit some questions for us and then we'll get into it. Perfect. It's kind of rapid fire though. Okay. What is one habit that you swear by? I think just like getting started. Ooh, love that. Yeah, because I have a hard time getting started sometimes or like I think too far ahead. And so like for the example like the gym, if I'm like really struggling to get myself to go to the gym just like saying like, okay, just walk over there. Like just go into the gym. And then once I'm there, do the first set. Love it. Just doing that to really kind of break things down and make them feel a little more manageable. Yeah, think less, do more. I love it. Mine would be the first hour of waking up. No phone, no screens. Sitting with my thoughts, feeling fresh, setting my dopamine to a natural level, especially struggling with ADHD. It's really, really hard for me to like bounce back from scrolling in the morning. I'll have a shit day after if I do that. So if anyone feels anxious throughout the day, odds are your doom scrolling is giving you anxiety. If you don't already struggle with it. How do you deal with low self-esteem? The fact that you said rapid fire made me just like, you'll bring it. Don't get a start. Yeah, you start, you start. Okay, I'll start. Noticing the things I say to myself on a daily basis because you are the main voice in your day to day. You don't talk to anyone more than you talk to yourself. And so realizing that words hold energy and they hold substance and they have consequences. I made a New Year's resolution. For every mean thing I say to myself, I have to combat it with three nice things. That's good. That sounds like something my mom would tell me to do. But it's really helped. It's yeah. Being my best friend, I think also living this single life that I've lived now for eight months, I had to fall in love with spending time with myself and being my best friend and supporting myself, especially when I'm extremely uncomfortable, like starting a podcast and building a business all on my loan sum. And if I didn't have my words of encouragement, I would have nothing. Yeah, so I think that's really helped my self-esteem. I think it's important too. Yeah, like you said, like the words in your head are gonna have a big impact on you and how you feel and how you act. And so yeah, I think just being mindful and blanking on the word. Intentional. Yes. Exactly, that's exactly the word. We're like this right now. Being intentional with how you speak to yourself and yeah. Because I think, yeah, if you speak so much negative or even if you're just thinking it, I think after a certain amount of time you're gonna start believing it. It's literally like a form of reverse manifestation in a way. Because what you say creates the reality that you live. And so the more you say really bad things to yourself, the more bad things happen, the more you're likely to look for those bad things that will reaffirm those beliefs. And now you're picking out, like I remember when I was in such a bad place, I was, I could look at a mirror and know exactly like verbatim, what insecurity is I was gonna have that day. You hate this about yourself. You hate that about yourself, your skin looks bad. You have wrinkles now, your freckles are too dark, whatever it is. Yeah. And now it's like I've been able to kind of take a step back and realize one, my looks are the least interesting thing about me. And how empowering is that to know that like, sure you could have a bad skin day, sure you could have a bad hair day. But like, how do you show up for others? Are you kind? Do you engage with people? Do you, are you curious? Are you excitable or are you bubbly? Like there's so many other things that make you you. Yeah. And at the end of the day, in the real world, those are the things that actually matter. Facts. All right. What is one thing you wish you could tell your younger self? One thing I wish I could tell my younger self, I think just that it's all gonna be okay in the end. Like just to keep going to, you know, like just keep trying keep taking it one step at a time and yeah. In the end, no matter how tough things feel in that moment, like they're gonna work out. And you're gonna do some crazy shit. (laughing) Buckle up sister. Wear your helmet. Always. I think for me, it'd probably be you are so worthy. I think there are so many times in my life where it was like, I'll be worthy one. I'll be happy one. I'll be successful one. And it's like, babe, you've been a perfect tense since you came out of the womb. Own it, you know? Like everything about you is made in his image whatever universe image that you believe in. But I do truly believe that like we're all worth something. And I think I definitely was really hard on myself growing up thinking I had to prove myself constantly and always had to chip on my shoulder. Yeah, it created success, but I think it also was very debilitating. Yeah. And it made me feel like I wasn't worth it unless I did these great things. Right. And now I can sit with myself and go to bed at night knowing like, no matter what I do that day, it's enough. Yeah. How do we balance sport, school, boyfriends, family, everything, especially back when we were like in high school and college? It was definitely a lot more. I think, I mean, for me, it was just more about like what my priorities were and like family was always really big for me. So that was kind of just part of it. I didn't, I did college online. So like I didn't really have that like traditional college experience. And I think probably that helped me to like stay more focused with BMX. But at the same time, I was like traveling so much and stuff. So I like, like that was kind of my friend group. And like if we were going to parties, it was like parties from the competitions and stuff. So it was kind of all like encompassing. But I think I'm learning now, honestly, like just now, how to kind of have more of a life outside of BMX. Because for so long, it's just been that. Like that was my outlet. That was what got me out of the house. Yeah. It's what got me everything. And now like being in a relationship with someone and like wanting to do things with him and explore like the past few events that I brought him to, I've never gone, I've not never, but I've rarely done like touristy things in all these countries that I've gone to. It's like hotel venue, hotel venue. Cause you just been locked in. Maybe you walk around the city, whatever. Yeah. For like 15 minutes and you're like, I got to go home, I'm cramping. Yeah. I don't want to. And so going to these places with him. And it's like the first time he's traveled to these countries. Yeah. I'm like booking, you know, three extra days and like scheduling all the sightseeing stuff that I've never done. And I'm, it's super cool for me to do. Yeah. And like sometimes I tell him though, I'm like, I don't, like, I don't know how to just like exist like a, like a normal human and like do these like normal things. Cause I just never did them. I never experienced them. And everyone I was around was like similar to me. And so yeah, I think now I'm kind of learning to have that balance. And hopefully like some people listening and stuff maybe can figure it out like a little bit younger. Yeah. A little bit sooner in their careers. Cause I think it is super important to have that balance because I think otherwise you will burn out. Yes. At some point, like you definitely have to have enough of the sport versus life or versus fun, whatever kind of balance. For me, it was never a sacrifice. Like people, I've gotten a few messages asking, you know, what do I do if I really want to go to this dance, but it collides with my competition. And in my brain, young Gracie is like, you're going to the competition. Yeah. No, I feel that. And there have been times where I went to a competition, changed into a dress, in the car, did my makeup on the way and showed up at the dance in our late. Because I made gymnastics my priority. Yeah. It was my number one thing. And not because I had to. My parents were like, they had three other kids to worry about. They were not putting that pressure on me. I put it on myself. Yeah. But I loved it. And I wouldn't have it any other way. It was my passion. And you're passionate about it. He doesn't. It's not a sacrifice. Yeah. And so I think with a lot of athletes, when it does feel like a sacrifice, you do kind of have to take a hard look in the mirror and like, okay, am I holding myself to this impossible standard where it is going to make me resent my sport? Not everyone has to go the Olympics. Not everyone has to do D1 gymnastics. Sometimes doing it just in high school is enough. And it has to be enough. Because at the end of the day, if you lose that love for the sport, the sport's not serving you anymore. Yeah. So that's a big one for me. I think balance is huge, especially now. Oh my gosh. I remember even like graduating from college being scared to go out for a glass of wine with my friends. Because I'm like, oh my gosh. But what about Oh, wait, I'm not competing anymore. Like that's so weird. You know, yeah, biggest takeaway, be you, be passionate, be sendy, and make the most of your sport while you can. I mean, it's not forever. So if you, you don't freaking love it, if it's not a fuck, yes, it's a fuck now. Yeah. And I've been living by that the last few months. And it's really helped me actually. I think everyone should live by that because you deserve to live the absolute best life. And it should be exactly how you want it. And if it's not, then maybe you should try different sport. Maybe you should trust something else. And yeah, it's never too late. It's never too late. Everyone get on a bike and try being nice. Just stay tuned. Stay tuned for Gracie's debut. Guys, I'm so scared. I was actually meeting to talk about the sports. So we are filming tomorrow. We're going to have a little girly sleep over because she's staying with me for the night. And then we're going to drive down to my local gym, do some gymnastics with Nikita. And then also get me out on the skate park and put me on a bike and me pads. We've got to hit Dick's sporting guts first because I don't have some things to purchase. I need a helmet. The most important thing. Yes. Yes. All right. Well, I love you guys so much. Thank you for tuning in. I will see you next Wednesday. And thank you Nikita for coming on. Thank you. It wasn't too late. You did so good. Love you. Bye guys. What kind of food do you want when I have dinner tonight? Yes. I always love sushi. Okay. Obsessed with this glowy stuff. Dude, your face looks amazing. I was actually just admiring it. I was wondering if I can make a reservation for tonight just for two.