Speaker 1So I still remember this moment like it was yesterday, okay? One of my first times I went out sober. I love to party at clubs, I love to dance, I love techno music. And there's a club in Toronto that I used to go to a lot and do a lot of drugs at and do a lot of drinking at. My first night out there, I went with a sober buddy of mine. We were pre-drinking, well, I was attending a pre-drink with him. It was me and another sober guy and a bunch of other people at someone's condo doing a ton of drugs secretly going in and out. We know when people are doing coke and other drugs, right? They're constantly disappearing. They're giving each other those eye winks and movements. And now you got the bag, I got the bag, and then they're going, right? It was extremely tough for me. I still remember like it was yesterday. I felt this pit in my stomach, right? I felt this unease, this sweaty palms. There was music bumping and I was riddled with anxiety and fear. I didn't want to relapse. I had just come back from four months of rehab in Minnesota. I was 23 years old. I didn't really want to go, but I pushed myself to do it because I knew that I could go out and enjoy things without alcohol and drugs. I know that today. And I had a counselor that was at the sober house with me. He taught me that I could go out dancing and do the things that I love without alcohol and drugs. So here's what I learned that night. I learned that one, I didn't need to have alcohol and drugs to have fun. And I could do the things that I like. I learned that I actually do enjoy techno music. I do enjoy dancing and I'm pretty good at it. All right. Or at least I think, I don't know, ask my wife, but the important thing here is getting sober is not about avoiding alcohol, avoiding the world, avoiding triggers. It's not about any of that. It's about facing that shit and being the person you are being authentic, showing up as yourself, you know, acting silly and crazy. If you're silly and crazy without alcohol and drugs. Once I figured out that I could go into these places that I actually wanted to go to, right? You got to make sure that you actually want to be there. Your motive is right. Everything changed. I learned that I could do hard things in sobriety. I could go to places that I wanted to, I could dance and, you know, let myself go a little bit and then wake up in the morning without a hangover and without regret, without having to start over again. It's the greatest feeling in the world. So in today's episode, I'm going to break down how to go out without drinking and drugs where there is probably going to be drinking and drugs, or maybe just drinking. And this is timely for the holidays as well, because I know a lot of us have a lot of holiday parties, whether it be at work, family parties, there's a lot of things that involve alcohol, where we might have to attend in early recovery or in recovery in general. So if you're sitting there thinking, how am I going to do this? How am I going to be in places where there's alcohol involved, people drinking, being stupid? How can I do it? I'm going to give you practical tools of how to go through step-by-step, what to do, what I do, what was taught to me and how to survive the night sober, how to wake up the next morning, feeling proud of yourself and how to actually enjoy it without, you know, white knuckling it through the night. So first up, why the first night? The first night out feels so awkward, so uncomfortable, so intense for a lot of us. And I promise you, it does get easier with repetition. It does get easier the more you do it. So for me, going out used to be about, you know, it was very routine, like, right? Like pre-drink, club, that's pretty much it. To be honest, I was able to, you know, once I had a few in me, I was able to connect with the people around me. I was feeling more confident. I felt a part of, I felt like I didn't, you know, I wasn't on the outside. I was a part of the community. I was a part of the people that were around. So the reason it feels so weird, so uncomfortable is, first of all, you're not used to it. Your body's like, where's the dopamine here, right? I'm not getting enough dopamine from just being around these people. If anything, I feel more anxious, more left out, more on the outside. So you're not broken. You're just not used to it. Your ritual is, like I said, you're used to all this partying and drugs and dopamine being flooded in at all times, there's usually like a 10 to 30 minute period where the anxiety is on level 10 out of 10 and you just got to push through it, right? You just got to, you know, call somebody if it gets really loud, but I'll get into all of that. So second, what I do now is I create a sober ritual that actually works, right? So for me, it's soda water. So grabbing a soda water, feeling like I have something in my hand, cracking it open. If I need to pour it in a glass because I'm uncomfortable, people asking me why I'm not drinking with them, do that, pour it in a glass, just have that in your hand. It feels safe. That's the new signal, the new cue to your brain that everything's going to be okay. You're fitting in, no one's looking at you. Don't worry about it. So then there's that moment when you walk into any party, I'm sure a lot of us can relate to this, where, you know, you can kind of cut the tension with a knife, right? Everybody is still sober. Um, you know, you've got the loud people that are fitting in and kind of the glue of the party, but there's that awkward moment where it's like, you know, what's going on here. Everyone's kind of like assessing the situation. Do I know that person? Who do I know? Do I know that person? Who the fuck is that guy? Why is he here? Fuck. I haven't seen that guy in so long. Oh my God. And then there's that moment where your nervous system goes, bro, where's the fucking shots? Where's the alcohol? Where's that liquid shield? That liquid courage. Acknowledge that that's your old way of thinking. This is the new sober. You, you're going to get through this. The alcohol was not confidence. The drugs were not confidence. It was amnesia. It was making you forget about all the feelings, numbing the pain that you're experiencing. Wasn't helping you next for the people that have been out already in sobriety, you will experience this. It's the classic, Hey, why aren't you drinking? Hey, want a beer? Hey, what are you doing? What, what is that? What's in your drink? What are you drinking? How do we handle that question? This will make or break your anxiety level for the next 20, 30 minutes, hour of the night, possibly the whole night. I remember one time my wife and I were at real sports bar, which is a bar in Toronto with tons of TVs. It was before a leaf game, a hockey game. And I had my soda water and my wife had this massive beer in her hand. She's not a huge drinker, right? But once in a while, she'll like to have a beer. And there was a deal on these like massive pints of beer and it looked hilarious in her little hand. She was holding it like this. And I'm carrying, holding this soda water, this fucking hammer guy comes up to us and he just looks at me and he goes, bro, she's having that massive beer and you're drinking this water. Like, what the fuck is wrong with that? Wanted to knock them the fuck out. I didn't because I know where that leads me jail and into fights. And when you get into fights, no one wins, but I have a clear mindset at this point. I had some time under me. I was like seven years over. I was sober at the time. I don't let those things bother me. The other thing too is whenever you're at a party and an intoxicated person comes up to you and starts communicating with you, it almost, you're not dealing with a human at that point, right? Like I take it for what it's worth. I'm very realistic about it. If I'm talking to somebody and they're out of their mind, high off their ass, drunk off their ass, I take everything they're saying with a grain of salt. I give them a little more grace. Either I exit the conversation or I just let them ramble on. I don't take anything personally that they're saying, because it's not them. It's not them talking. It's the alcohol or the drugs. So when that guy tried to embarrass me, presumably in front of my wife, I simply just laughed and said, actually, no, I tried to embarrass him to be honest with you because, uh, yeah, he caught me off guard and I didn't snap at him. I didn't, you know, make a scene, but I did say like, oh no, man, you know, when I drink, I smoke meth or something smart ass like that, you know, I'm in recovery, right? I don't recommend that because it doesn't make anyone feel good. You know? I was embarrassed. I was embarrassed. My wife laughed, but sometimes, sometimes those are warranted, right? You can put people in their place sometimes, but generally it doesn't end up, it doesn't end up well for anybody. So what do you say? It's as simple as this, oh, I'm just not drinking. Oh, alcohol. Doesn't agree with me. Oh, I'm allergic to alcohol. And chances are people will leave that alone. But if they pry and they keep asking, maybe, like I say, it's time to tell them the truth. Oh, I had a, you know, I really struggled with alcohol. I think you'll find in most scenarios. People will usually leave it alone. Some people will be, some people will pry and, you know, because they're uncomfortable, they're drinking. And then some people will actually open up to you. And then you have a moment to be, you know, to share your story and your experience and maybe get a phone number and help them the next day if they're struggling, it's a beautiful thing, right? Speaker truth, unless you're not comfortable doing so. It also depends who it is too. If it's some random stranger trying to embarrass you, don't pay them any attention. Don't pay them any energy. Just I'm not drinking simple as that. I'm currently not drinking. I just don't drink. Don't overcomplicate it. All right. Next, find your sober anchor. So a person that you trust where, and if they're not currently at the party, get them on the phone, right? Where everything starts to spin out, you start to feel like drinking. You're remembering the good old days. You're getting triggered left, right, and center. There's cocaine on the table. And you remember only the good times lean on that person, call them, talk to them, take a breath, go take a walk outside. You got to unload that feeling, that trigger, you know, and if it doesn't happen in the moment, maybe you unload it later that night, but don't act on it. Just don't pick up that first one. It really is simple and stupid and annoying. That is the best advice I ever got in early recovery. Just don't pick up the first one. So whenever I was in those situations, I remember one time I was in Jamaica on a beach and there was four, there were four people holding up a funnel right to my face. I was two years, three years into sobriety. I did the meth joke a lot. That's kind of my go-to. Oh no. If I end up drinking that, I mean, in the moment I said, no, I don't want to drink that. I don't want to drink that. I don't want to drink that. I don't drink. I don't drink. I don't drink. It's okay. And then they left me alone, but that was really hard for me. Right? I had to call somebody. I had to call somebody later that trip and it ended up, it was my sponsor at the time. I had to call him and tell him what happened, you know, because it was extremely tough. And if I let that sit in my head, I guarantee you, I would have relapsed on that trip. I was there for two weeks. I didn't have one drink. Okay. If I could do it, anyone can do it. You need connection in sobriety. You need people to lean on that. You can bounce things off of that. You can tell them what you're going through. You can't do this alone. If you haven't figured that out already, come on. I tried to do it on my own for so many years. it's not possible in my experience so next after that the freedom of leaving early this is a blessing a lot of the time right there comes a point in every night where the vibe just shifts right you know what i'm talking about when everybody is just past the point of no return you know there's people that are sloppy they're either falling along or they're coming up to you and man i love you so much and i'm so proud of you for being sober if they know your story it's okay to leave right it's usually in my experience like towards the you know 11 12 midnight right 1 a.m depending where you are where the vibe just completely shifts and there is nothing more for me to get out of that experience i've gone i've showed up i've had good conversation i've done what i needed to do whether it was supporting a friend's birthday or going to christmas like i said you can leave early just be honest about it if it's somebody that you love go up to them and tell them hey you know thanks for having me i'm gonna go either i'm not feeling comfortable or i'm just gonna go you don't need to earn your exit just leave when the energy tells you to leave when it feels right okay next the trick that makes going out fun again so you gotta find what you like doing for me it's dancing good conversation when i go to any party sober those are the two things i go into it i'm gonna have good conversation with people interesting you know deep intellectual conversations or just meaningful debates or whatever things that i can learn out of i'm going to learn from this experience i'm going to bring positive energy positive attitude i'm going to dance you know enjoy the music whatever it is for you find that thing and then go into every party with that intention set that intention before you go and of course you know a lot of you are listening saying dancing i i need alcohol to dance i need ecstasy to dance yeah i was in that boat for a long time it comes with practice it comes with repetition you got to learn how to look like an idiot for a bit or at least be comfortable with thinking that you look like an idiot most of the time people are too drunk to be no one's watching you dance anyways and if they are it's their fucking problem you do it enough times it becomes easier the moment you find fun without alcohol is when things will change for you you just gotta stick around long enough ride out the wave and you will find that moment where you can just enjoy being you at a party being with your friends i don't need alcohol to have fun anymore my priorities have changed it all goes back to too like what we've been through we've been through a lot of things we've been through a lot of things we've been through a lot of things we've been through a lot of things your idea of fun maybe wasn't fun was it fun you probably wouldn't have come into recovery if you were still having fun so next going home after the night is over this is the greatest feeling when you get home you go to bed and just you have that feeling of like accomplishment right in your heart you're like i did the right thing you know nobody ever regrets waking up sober right nobody ever regrets that especially if you had a problem with drinking nobody ever regrets not drinking the night before there is a stillness a peace a freedom that comes and you're like oh my god i'm with doing the right thing and staying sober and getting through hard things that you didn't think that you could do pushing through perceived limits it is a beautiful gift i hope you get to experience that celebrate those wins give yourself a pat on the back hey i got through that sober amazing i can get through anything sober and i truly believe that i've seen people in recovery get through death divorce breakup illness cancer diagnosis i've seen it all and they don't need to pick up a drink i still remember it like it was yesterday like i said in the beginning those first nights out sober are really fucking hard but if you can get through them if you can find somebody that you trust to have your back through it preferably sober or you know not a heavy drinker it makes it so much easier rely on other people you can't do this alone but you can do it you can get through it so just to recap find your sober token your sober ritual for me it's the soda water grab onto early you know go with uh the right intention set your intention before you go i'm gonna have fun i'm gonna dance i'm gonna have good conversation whatever that is for you find that hold on to it find your person to stick around with to help you get through it if things start to spiral out of control in your head have your response prepared of i'm just not drinking keep it simple don't over complicate don't over explain you don't need to justify to anybody why you're not drinking or doing drugs and then just reward yourself be proud of yourself for getting through it you can't in my experience i can't hide from alcohol i can't hide from drinking i can't hide from drinking i can't i need to go out and experience these things to find out who i really am without alcohol and drugs it's a self-searching process the whole recovery thing is a self-searching self-examination honest self-appraisal process it takes time but it is worth it it's hard work but it is worth it i promise you just stick around long enough to experience that don't pick up the first one call someone before you pick up the first drink may recovery be with you may the force be with you whatever you want to use for that find someone to rely on to trust in keep in contact with them don't go through it alone you know if you're not feeling comfortable with your family having alcohol drinking tell them tell them you know it would be i prefer if you guys didn't drink while i was there just for this time just for this event whether it's christmas or any of the holiday that you're celebrating work party show up with the right intentions you can get through it be honest with yourself when it's uncomfortable you can leave if you found this helpful today subscribe follow please like that is the best payment repayment you could give me it is the best gift i could receive from you all these tips all these things i've learned have been passed down from the people that came before me i don't claim to be a recovery guru or an expert the only thing i'm an expert in is my own disease because i've studied it a long time i've relapsed a lot of times become a phd in your addiction that's your only job here and then when you can be of service stay tuned for more episodes send me a message on something a topic you'd like me to discuss and then we'll go from there recovery is simple not easy do not over complicate it i love you all have a great 24
PodcastTranscript AI