103. Glen Hunt's Sh*t Jokes - A Standup Show

I could edit that whole sequence out. You could, you could, you could not find it. You could start this with, I could just edit that whole sequence out. No one knows what it is about. Don't even speak about doing that. Give it and go on. Give it and go ahead. I'm whenever you like, with a anytime podcast show. Oh, it's podcast 103, everybody. 100 and 3. 100 and 3. You do inside and I come across the table. It's just right for me, a generation game. Oh, you're the conveyor belt. I've just managed to move it across the table very slowly. For those people. For those people watching at home. This is really shit. Anyway, how are we all? All right. That's very cool. Yeah. You're thinking, you know what? I needed to ask you this, Glenn. Because, you know, like, Noddy Holder makes a fortune out of. Merry Christmas everyone. Yeah. It's Christmas. Yeah. And all of these stars make a lot of residual money out of the Christmas songs. So, do you get residuals for shit joking crackers? So, when everyone goes, they go, it's got to be Glenn. Glenn has to write that. Do you get money for that? That's the perception, isn't it? The problem is, unfortunately for me, that's your material. No, no, no, no, no. My look is we don't have. Well, there's people with shitter jokes on me, hence they have the cracker job and I don't. I don't think there are anyone with shitter jokes. As you see, when you open them up every year and. I've just had an amazing idea. Oh, what's that? I think. Glenn Hunt should do a stand-up. Just in a small pot. Oh, no, I've done this before. No, and we'll record it, right? And it would just be just 20 minutes of shit jokes. Oh, no. No, I'll tell you why. I could never do it. Oh, come on. No, listen, I've done it. I've done it a stand-up thing before. It was in Liverpool. It was at the Royal Court Theatre. And I did 10 minutes. It was the scariest 10 minutes of my life. And I vowed there and there. And then I fucked me, I'm never doing that again in my life. But then the Royal Court Theatre Fund, I said, "Johnny Vegas is doing a show here in two weeks. Can you do a five-minute opener?" I went, "Fine, I'll just do the five minute version of the 10 minutes of this." And I hope for Johnny. And that was that. And I've not done it since. And it's because it is. You're so vulnerable. It's the scariest. I'll be with you by the side and the wings. You've been hit. You've been hit. You've been hit. I'm going to be throwing eggs at you. Get the fuck off! Get the roll! All I'm going to say now is, what we need from you at home is a hundred emails coming in. Yes, please. If we reach a hundred emails, Glenn has to stand up, a place of our choice. Yes. You've not thought this through. No, we have thought this through. No, because I get the e-match. No, but Molly gets the roll. Okay, here we go, here we go. The phone number. Do it on the phone number. What's that? Yes. Molly, I'm sorry. Go to our producer. I can't. This is the WhatsApp number. If you want shut up, Glenn. If you want a wanted house. If you want Glenn to do a stand up. Which I don't want to do. But he doesn't want to do it. Makes it even better. No. Here's the WhatsApp number. That's what we want. I won't remember any of the gags either. You've got to do it. The thing is you have to remember. What I can't work out. When you did the Johnny Vegas thing. You did 10 minutes in Liverpool. Yeah. And didn't spend any time in hospital. Yeah. After the 10 minutes. Which is a good thing. Why would you then opt to do something half as funny? But you see this could become a new thing. This could be. You could go on. You could be so successful with this. Glenn Hunts Shit Joe. No. I don't see why I won't. People love shit Joe. I don't know. Why they love them? But they do. They're very, very popular. The shit you're the better. Tim Vines got the, he's got the, the monopoly on, on the shit jokes. Tim Vines. Tim Vines, brilliant. I don't care. But it's not a patch on Glenn Hunts when it comes to shit jokes. No one's a patch on Glenn Hunts. Which is jokes. Come on. You haven't got the world's worst shit jokes. You're doing it. It's not for me. You're doing it. Listen, anyway. I've tried, you see, this is not like I've never done it before. And thought, oh, you know, I'm not going to do that. Even I've not, I have done it before. I don't care. And I don't, I don't like it. Let's tell you what. Let's tell you what. How's this? Tells it. Who's the driving force in this relationship? You are. So, I know what you're doing. You're freaking well told. And you will go and stand on the stage and you will do it. But we just need those emails. Come on. I'll just take part in a game show somewhere. No. And do you know what? I tell you, how's this? We'll offer the tickets out first. To the podcast listeners. To the only time podcast listeners. So you'll have a friendly audience. No one else. Nobody else would want to watch it. You don't. The podcast listeners won't either. No. Don't underestimate the dad shit jokes. Oh, no. I couldn't do it. I couldn't hear all the podcast bands have done. You have to do it in a G-Street. Oh, my God. Yeah. I'll sit at your stride. I'll try. We've won ball bag hanging out. Get to the side. Yes. The G-Street has to be more normal way around. Yeah, it's not way around. I've got people who pay good money to see that. Oh, my God. My head. I love it too much. I'm going to give myself an axe. I just want to know because the way you were talking in, because I said mean Jesus. the joke you paid it. You were talking as though you are actually spraying it on your vagina. Awesome, I remember me in the mean Italy. No, it's not working love. Oh, sorry. Before the spray, I was using talcum powder, but every time I sat down there was like a sort of nuclear cloud going up there and they asked me, "Oh, that's the really." Not nice, sorry. Did you get to find paste by the end of the day? Oh. No. No. No. So, I've got the smell of curry for the past four years. Yeah, yeah, where's the car wheel off and you've got the smell of puffed wheat? I know, that's really weird. Anyway, that's not my day. How was your day, Mr Beed? Oh, I don't talk to people on Monday. Why? Stop for speeding. Did you get picked up by the rosters? I did. Got picked up by the four. No, isn't it weird? How? I mean, yeah, it was a lapid, I didn't know I was speeding to be fair. No, normally, people who know me, I do try to go to the speed limit, but I didn't know. And I got caught by one of these. Radars. Radars. Oh, okay. And do you know what, though? I used to go when I got caught for speeding and I was in Yvette's car. Yeah. And the guys, the policeman stopped me and he was really nice. And I was really nice. And again, as the point in the marriage is you've been caught, so there's no point in arguing. You can't get upset. It's a fair cop golf. Yeah. And with that, and he was nice and nice. He got let off with that one. And this one, as soon as I stopped the car, he was after a fight, this cop, he was after a punch-up. And I'm thinking, why? You know, why, just stop being a fucking idiot and just doing your job because if anyone else was doing their job, and all you're doing is doing what you've been told to do, which is fine. And then when the person is going, yeah, not a problem. And that other person is then a dick. Yes. So you get fired. Yeah. But it was clearly after a punch-up and I wasn't letting him have in it. Right. Right. So I just killed him with absolute kindness. And at one point, I just said to him, well, I said, I just really don't understand why you seem to be quite aggressive. I said, I've admitted what I've done wrong. I'm not arguing. I mean, very polite. I said, so we are actually both on the same page here. Yes. I said, I'm happy to take the three points and be under a penalty, because I've done something wrong. I'm not complaining. But he said, that's my unit. And he went, yeah, but he said, it's driving like I said, I ain't killed anyone. I said, I've been driving for 40 years. I've actually never killed anyone yet. I said, so what you're thinking I might do isn't what I have done. And I said, I'm at home. I said, I've got knives in the kitchen. I said, and I've never serial killed people. I said, so I said, it's no point. And he literally, I killed him with kindness to the end of the point. I was actually reading out the numbers of my driving license to him, because he couldn't see him, because he'd forgotten his glasses. And it was all sort of, you know, in the end, it was the happy Christmas and have a good day and all that at the end. So it was quite nice. And he actually told me he was getting, someone had made a complaint about him, because it was a foreign chap. And he couldn't understand what the guy was saying. So he, all he said was apparently, this is what he told, I wasn't there when he actually was talking to the guy. This is what he told me. He said, I just asked him twice what, I said pardon twice, because I couldn't understand him. So he's made a complaint against him. So I said, well, I said, if you want, I said, use me. I said, I'll happily go on behalf of you to say that you're, you know, I said, we're having a nice conversation. You've done your job properly. I said, it's fine. I'll be on your side. And with that, you went off. Thank you very much. And I left. Wow. But it could have gone. And you know, when some policemen sort of have a go, not all, not having to go, or, you know, everyone in the old bill, it's just some of them. And you think, if I had a little bit of a, funny, if I had a really bad doubt, because I had a crap thing with the edit, the edit just probably collapsed. But you think, if I'd gone in there and gone, oh, don't talk to me like that. Who the hell do you think you are? I don't mean out of that. Well, you know, bent over upon it and lodged with a trungeon. Oh, dear, the God. Well, some of them are like that. I like it. Oh, sir. And then some people like it. All of you have everyone here. Yeah. Yeah. I've realized we haven't even, oh, well, because for that reason alone, we're going to have to get through your day first. Oh, my dear, very quickly. Yes. I went swimming as I, as you know, I like to do regularly. And swimming with the women. Swimming with the women with the women. And, uh, yeah, this smell. This smell of puffed wheat is just slushed. Shooker puffs. Yeah. What's going on? Now, and then I came in, we mean car came in and I went, there's what some weed. There's what some weed. I could all like a smell. Was this weed smell? Yeah. I've checked. That's not me. It's not me. So what's happening? Do you know what? There's a solution here. What you need to get rid of that smell is for me to come around and make you both a curry. But while I was swimming with this puffed wheat thing, I was coming up to one end. Swimming with puffed wheat thing. Anyway, as I was coming to the end where the lady's sitting, don't keep the legs closed and you can see, oh Christ, what they bought last week. Anyway, and there was another woman in this sort of center bit where you have these heated seats and you can relax. It's nice to. And they're very, very nice. But I don't understand it. So people go on these hot, tiled seats and they lie back and they, you can see them going, oh, that's so nice. And then you see them get up, covered in sweat and then there's like a big ice thing and then they have some ice water and then they go in the steam room. But then some of the person will get on that hot. They don't clean it. And they don't clean it. And I'm free. I'm swimming. Do me a breaststroke. You know, I'm looking. I'm going, oh. And then, same woman sat on the edge of the hot, tiled seating thing and starts picking her toes. Oh, no. And I'm like. Same thing for home love. And I keep saying to Carl, why do you come swimming? You need to tell me just know you're alright. The things you see. When you were little and usually you're swimming and you do usually we see this, the sticking plaster go past your nose. I told you about my time in Russia, didn't I? Yes. Yeah. Oh, one of those, one of those when they're, when the turd comes to us. It wasn't a turd, it was a cigar. It was a Putin. I think it was a, very good. Let's open up the plastic. Let's open up the tree. Now, what have you got this time? Well, I thought you might like this time around. Some, what's this? I love it. I love it. So much. Thank you. There we go. I also thought you might pose like a finger. Have I gone for the white chocolate still you want this time? Because as we establish the only the other week that white chocolate doesn't exist. Absolutely. It's a white paste. Yes, it's a white piece. It's a tasty piece. She has in her knickers. That's alright. My god didn't take long to open those. I love watching it. My favourite, favourite Christmas. Are you going to share the wealth? Yeah, back off. You can tell Glenn's got these because. Oh, yes. Star Trek. Does it? Does it? It's enterprise. He's going to save that packet. Look at this. What a free, what a free streaming trial of Paramounts. Oh, yes, they're doing that. Aren't they quite fancy a bit of Paramounts? Actually, no, I've still not watched the Beatles. Let it be. Have you not? No, because I refuse. Another subscription fee. So, I mean, if you paid all this, you know, all these. You would be at a photo watch television. How can you afford to watch TV? I was around my mates at the weekend, Karl and Simon. And Ashley and Angela. Well, stop. What? I've never heard of these things. Never heard of them before. In all the years we've known. You've never mentioned these things. They're not new. They're not new. I've known them since I was a knee high to a grasshopper. Well, we've never heard of it before. Why haven't we been able to? We need to check them out. Well, you'd be very welcome too. Actually, we need to check them out. We need to round it. Yeah. And then we're around there. And we played a, now that's what I call music, a game. Oh, great game, which was great fun. Had a massive cheese board. That was great. And what else did we do? Oh, yeah, we were talking about subscription services. And I was talking about how the fact that if you're an Amazon Prime subscriber, you'll find yourself thinking, oh, I'm just watching that. And then you click on it. And then you have to still buy the film or it's like, how can you justify that when you're a prime subscriber and you still have to buy even more on top of that? I think more and more people are going to leave the Amazon Prime thing because that's what's happening. Well, I've stopped watching it completely. It's a point you're going to be used to be. You've got to Amazon Prime and you'd have lots of stuff to watch. You know, literally there will be a lot. And now is the point where I like to prefer Amazon because I had, I don't know, they have more diversity with this stuff. They're the lot of the older stuff that I'm not watching. But now, I'll just go strung to Netflix. There's no point. Every time I've gone on to Amazon exactly as you just said, you get, you have to pay if you're again, or free with ads or a six day trial or something. Yeah, for you to a call on TV or brickbox or something and you've got to pay an extra subscription. Anyway, the only box that I'm going, yeah, I've not heard anything about that for ages. That's still there. Oh, good. There we go. Now then. Correspondence corner. Oh, yes. Okay. What's people been writing in this week? Well, let's find out. Let's start it all off with red card. I was going to say "Cardi Vascular Surgeon". Oh, goodbye. Yeah, like that, like that. Right, shall I go first? Shall I go first? I'll go first. This first "Piss of Correspondence" playlist in Jettelman comes from Jen Brider from Worthing in West Sussex. Oh, nice. That's an interesting reaction from you, good self. Have you been there before? That's a word thing, Worthing is lovely. Yeah, I've got a place there. How are you, man? What's it like? Oh, it's lovely, quite, what's the word, rural? Quite nice, rural area. You're not right by the scene. No, a lot of times, but you might say, you might say, "Can we stay there in the summer?" I'm like, "Can we get right down the scene?" Oh, no, you're being a bit quiet, you, and not just, you know, telling us about your new friends. They're my old friends. Yeah, but your new friends. But they never had to come up with a conversation before. No, I don't care, I don't like them. You would love them. Well, that's good, then. And your new house. And they would love you. Oh, yeah. But you know about that, usually. No, we've only let us in the east wing. You've not let us into the rest of it. Well, come on. You don't have to let us eat them all into the main part. I've not opened it myself because I don't want it to smell of curry. Oh, that's a good point. Just wants to say how much I love listening to the podcast every week. It makes me feel like I'm part of your family, says Jane, which is nice. Question to Carl. Oh, whoo. Please tell me how your whole is. Pardon? Oh, the massive hole in your garden by using a digger. Lots of love to all Jane Ryder from Worley and West Sussex. Is this going to tear up a tear up wrong expression? Is it just going to stir up a more ex? No, I know. I'm over it. At the end of the day, it's doing really well. It's perfectly on track for taking longer than I thought it was going to. No, it's going to be fine. It's not going to be done before Christmas, sadly. Well, that's not just down to me. That's down to getting things delivered. How long is it going to take to fill up when the time comes to fill up? I mean, do you know how deep it is like in dimension and area and stuff? Yeah, it's so wide and so deep. Oh, yeah. It hasn't got a clue. I just got out a minute, how wide is it? I don't know, I don't care. Let's not talk about it. I'm past caring, but moving on. Anyway, yeah, it's going to look great. Yeah, but what gets me all this evening, can you think, can you think, can you think, should look at what it's done lunching? When it's finished, you'll be out there bathing in it like a bathing thing. Yeah, with no sticking plasters going past the run of the marathon. I've got a whole list for you. You got what? A whole list? What? I thought you meant your vagina was in a slump. All this. That's very quick and very clever. Let me get that all. I do get it. I do. Next email comes from Adam Ladies and Gentlemen. The mail cover. Adam. [LAUGHTER] Hi, you. How are you doing, Adam? Oh, hi. Hi, guys. Hope you're well. I've just watched an episode of 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Count Down And This Little Gem Came Up. So there's a bit of an audio clip here to play. Oh, that's good. We like audio clips. That's what you do. Because this is an audio bass. Beats of entertainment. It is. See, what's this? I've got so much gunk in my teeth now. What about the water? [LAUGHTER] [VIDEO PLAYBACK] Good job, Jose. Uh, spur me as in COVID-19. Splendid. Splendid. [VIDEO PLAYBACK] [VIDEO PLAYBACK] [VIDEO PLAYBACK] [VIDEO PLAYBACK] Well, spur me's not in the-- [VIDEO PLAYBACK] [VIDEO PLAYBACK] [VIDEO PLAYBACK] [VIDEO PLAYBACK] [VIDEO PLAYBACK] We need to convince them to change their minds. Well, we know spur me is a real thing. Well, I certainly do. We've experienced. We've been covering it. It's milky goodness. Well, I have to say, you have them. You spend all your time outside with them. I hear from the real stories. So you hear it from red. I hear the real stories in the background. What really goes on? Isn't it true? Another email's coming. I'm going to have to ask you about it. I know how much you're enjoying sitting there picking the wats that's out of your team. Oh, God. That's the one bad thing about wats. It says, you're just picking away-- I'm sorry. I think it's immensely satisfying. Oh, I hate it. But there you go. There's a nice and no boy. Blimey, this is-- It was it from? Oh, I've just got wats it crumbs all over it. Oh, gosh, this is a very long one. You've got wats and crumbs, but-- No, wats it crumbs, not wats and crumbs. Dawn in sunny Wiggen. Have you checked this out before you've-- I think so. You haven't. You lie. Let's find it. [LAUGHTER] You haven't. OK. Hello, you amazing threesome. OK, that sounds dodgy. Well, I'm new to your podcast and kicking myself but not finally yet sooner. After hearing many stories of embarrassing tales and customer service, I just had to email in to share a few of my situations to hopefully make you giggle. I spent 10 years working for a well-known holiday company and living on one of their holiday parks in beautiful Devon. As you can imagine, there are many tales I could tell but two jump out at me. The first incident, and Carl, this one is for you, happened when a gentleman and I used the term very loosely, came to complain about his accommodation. I'm so sorry to hear that. Come with me and I can sort this out for you darling, I said. Now, I appreciate that calling him darling in hindsight was maybe not the most professional thing to say. However, I was just being friendly, big mistake. He went ballistic at me, shouting and pointing in my face because of it, swearing and being personal. He called me a chunky girl. A rude loll. While I remained calm and moved him to a new upgraded accommodation, very professional and excellent customer service from me, I felt. That was until I was contacted by head office as the man had put in a formal complaint about me calling him darling. No mention of the free upgrade I'd given him at all. What a lucky man I thought to myself. If the worst thing that has happened to him is being called darling, then he has had a fantastic life. However, I was pissed right off, so I took revenge. Oh, so you go on then. I sent up a fake email address and sent him an email with just the word darling 1,000 times, ha ha ha. Childish, I know, but it made me feel better. That good on you girl. The second incident was not PG clean. One day, me and my friend were standing on the venue doors, wearing our cheesy smiles and saying goodbye to the holiday makers and we decided to spice things up a bit. Whenever we would see a deal, if we would say bye and wave innocently, whilst adding very quickly on the end, come on my face. (all laughing) Oh my God. Wow. The double takes we got were hilarious when they clearly could work out. If they heard right, it certainly made us chuckle. I've also sent a guess that the mystery sound we'll read out later. Thanks for all the laughs. Thanks for all the laughs and positive energy you all provide. Love to you all from dawn into sunny weekend. Thank you, Dawn. So prick, you can't fucking say darling. Do you know what, though, that really worries me because I say darling an awful lot. Oh, look, I say love too. I'll say love too. Do you know, we were talking about this and me and my friend, yeah, me and my friend, Andrew, I haven't a right rant about it. Good. And we were saying, we were saying that it's so difficult now because you actually don't know what the frickin' hell to say to anybody. You know, do you cause a fence? What do you say? How'd you go about it? In fact, it's got to some point now. You're actually too bloody frightened to even open your mouth. Just in case somebody out there takes a fence. And that, that, I mean, I just want to warm myself in. The house will not go out anymore. Well, it's probably it's the minority that takes a fence. Oh my God. I just want to say, grow the fuck up. There's a huge difference, you know, about, if you're going to insult someone, it's a fucking insult and it's very clear and precise. Just being nice. Yes. It's, yeah, it's like opening the door. Blokes now don't know whether to open a fucking door for a girl or not because if they do, do they get called male show and there's pigs? Mm-hmm. If they don't or what do they do? And this tutorial is misogynized, always used. Yeah. And yet, misandry never is. No. And that's the thing that annoys me most. It's always pretty good, oh, they're a misogynist. But you never see anyone calling a woman misandryster. Oh, what? Misandry. Misandry, I've never heard that before. It's the woman's version of misogynistry. Misogynistry, it's the saying again. Misandry. Misandry, I've learned a new word today. I love it. I love it because it's, and that, but that alone goes to show you how biased this all is. It's the fact that there's words for the, you know, what females could be for the hatred of men or the dislike of men or the disrespect for men. And people don't know what that is. Interesting point. Very good point. Well, that was all very serious. I was always very sorry to say it anyway. But anyone who's going to take a fence so easily just enter themselves into the grand national. That's what I say. Fucking hell. It makes a lot of sense, isn't it? I'm not doing stand-up comedy. I don't even get it. Good. Grand national fence jumping. Jumping the fences. Oh, god, straight go then. Come on. This is where people will pay good money to leave their homes. Yeah, see what you're doing. Can I just say, if there is a bloke out there who's had an email with darling a thousand times, please get in touch, because I particularly want to call you on-cut myself. I'm pretty. Yeah, I'll call anybody, love me, saying it. Even the bloke says, all right, lower fun, I'll do it. Ironically, who's this going to be? People swing hard and you just think, if someone's got a problem with that, you can fucking bite my ring piece. But I tell you another, oh, try. Only if it's been bleached. Tell you what I do and I touch people. Not in any process. There's a quote from the National Subloids. No, you better feel the inscriptions people. No, no. Of course, you treat just being reopened. No, but you know what I mean? I'll tap them on the arm and I go, "Hello, how are you?" Felly, but now I'm having to go. Christ can't do that, just in case somebody is offended. So, oh it's awful isn't it? I think people need to understand that when you're offended, nothing actually happens to you. And so, you shouldn't worry about being offended. And also the intention behind somebody saying something you see. It depends on what they say there. Well, it doesn't matter. There's still nothing happens to you if you're offended. It doesn't matter to me and you fat. Yeah, but whatever. They'll say you won't like it if you're offended. But still nothing happens to you. It doesn't, that's it. It's just somebody said something you don't like, and that's all it is. But we're putting too much importance on being offended. And you've got no right not to be offended in this life. No, absolutely. The problem you got is it's all these racepaces out there. And they cause discrimination these types of people. Because you've got people who want to cause. You can say one thing to someone and they shout the word say racism. And you have no defense over it. And it's the same as feminism. They can call a man just because he says something out wrong. They can shout the word misogyny. And suddenly, or a bully, you can't win on these things. But it weakens what these words truly are. Because 90% of the stuff that people are screaming about isn't the description of the word. So they need to shout the fuck up, grow up, move forward. And that's the only way you're going to get rid of racism and any other discrimination, whether it be for sexuality, whether it be all that kind of shit. Anyway, I'm sorry for the folks at Boxnell. I'm just one like thing. We're putting too many labels on everything. Everything has to have a label now. I know, I've seen your spice, right? I know, terrible, isn't it? But everything has to have a label. I think if we stop giving ourselves labels, we're all the same. All the same, that's it. We are all the bloody same. That's the thing. But you give it labels. It's because of labels. That creates discrimination. Yeah, absolutely. We're all the same people. Now, we've got another email here. Not surprisingly, you know. No fucking way. This is from Richard Ask With Dolan. I've got another double bell, right name. Richard Ask With Dolan. Guess where he's from? With a name like that. I'll say Henley on 10th. Jules Bray. Is he? Right, Jules Bray. Are you up U3? I don't know yet, Chris. Are you up U3? I was imagining somebody with a monocle and a vent. Yeah, I was when I thought it'd come through. Oh, God. Having listened to many podcasts, I am also of the ilk that sits in my car at traffic lights, laughing my ass off at you all, hilarious stuff. Can I just quick shout out to my gorgeous wife, Kirstie? You also listened. I started listening because of her, and now we use many quotes from the pods around the house and in general conversation. I enjoyed your competitive streaks with the quiz. But thought, I'd switch it up a bit and send you a riddle to try. Oh, God, yeah. I guess he doesn't send multiple ripples. I'm not supposed to do one. Ripples. Ripples, ripples, ripples. The riddle is, what's greater than God, more evil than the devil, the poor habits, the rich need it, and if you eat it, you will die. What's the answer? I'm very good on this sort of thing. I'm coming in with a guess here. Potatoes. Potatoes are greater than God. Potatoes are more evil than the devil. The poor have potatoes. The rich need potatoes. And if you eat it, you'll die. Too much potato in the past. It's not potatoes. That's insane. Right. It's on to a winning thing though. What was the last bit? If you eat it, you'll die. No, I can't even think. The answer is nothing. Go on, read it again. What's greater than God? What's more evil than the devil? The poor have it, the rich need it, and if you eat it, you'll die. That's rubbish. Nothing is the answer. I love your name. I love Jews, Bri. No. Now, I've got an issue with one part of that. Go on. No, I'll just throw it in there. The rich don't need nothing. The rich don't need anything. Well, if they need nothing, that means they will get nothing. A rich people don't want nothing. Yes, you're right. If they're saying they need nothing, that means they're after nothing. I've got something else as well. You know what I mean? That's bigger. See, you're ever going to go a couple of weeks ago. Let me top her in this. No, you're ever going to go to the boss of her in this. Carbs and cuffs. Oh, God, these wats this, Imitate. Oh, getting the money's without those. I can't have any more. Crying out loud. I've seen you twice. Oh, I don't know. I don't know. That should be hard. Nothing is not greater than God. Is it not? Oh, no. Listen, you're into the universe and space and all the rest of it. Yeah, so what's out there? Nobody knows. It's certainly not nothing. Yeah, but do you remember that adverb? Well, you say nothing works faster than that adverb. Does that mean you don't have to remember it? If you don't have anything, you can clear your headache quicker. That's a very good point, yeah. Yeah. Just throwing it out there. I like that. And other headache tablets. It's certainly a talking point. Thank you very, very much. Yeah, we're talking points. Thank you very much. Yeah. What is it? Yeah, we've got a podcast and the things we talked about most is nothing. That's very true. Got another email here for you? There you go. Have a look. Yeah. Are we family like, don't you? You just threw it across the window, took it. This comes from Kate Tucker Langford. Another? Is that another double barrel name? Is it really? We've got Kate Tucker from Langford in North Somerset. I think that's what it is. That's a long name. There is Langford in it. Hi, that's Glen Carl. Woofers, and anyone else who's there tonight. I'm an avid motel and I've been on a few experiences as well. I also love the short episode you put out each week. But just when things start getting going, you have to finish them. Hence, really missing the longer ones, especially with the whole gang together. Well, for those of you who don't know, we do have a most haunted official YouTube channel, where there are new episodes, and of course, we've just done a live as well. That's there. Anyway, going back to Kate's email. So this is my first time emailing into you on the podcast. And I'm currently on podcast 75, so a little behind, but catching up as quick as I can. Oh, as quick as I can. And she's putting, instead of a full-stopped foot of square. Absolutely love it. Never ever fails to make me laugh. Usually out loud. Good job. I'm usually my car alone. Got to love Mr. Regicorca and spur me absolutely how we laugh every time. Anyway, the reason for me sending you this email was because I saw this on Facebook tonight. And I immediately thought of you guys, made me chuckle. Love and like to you all. Keep it going. Love, love, love it. And you all, many thanks, Katie Tucker. And Maccafe, so I don't know. I think this is a drive through. Drive through, yeah. And she's put holy shit, or someone's put on Facebook. Holy shit, calm down Macdonalds. Underneath the Maccafe McDonald's sign. They put, "Come inside me next time." Oh my god. Wow. You'll reach. Who reads? Who writes this stuff? Wow. Yeah, but the thing is, if I was the sort of slogan writer for Macdonalds, you'd see where you can get away with it. If I could get away with shit like that I would. Is this another one? No, no. We've got some WhatsApp noise guesses now. Oh, hang on. Yes, there's another one there. Yeah. This is Lauren from Chester. Hi. Hi, Lauren. Hello, Lauren. Loving your wonderful podcast. Thank you so much for lifting our spirits. I was reading a new book to my toddler last night and was perusing the blurb. That's when I saw it. You changed your name. There you go. The illustrator is called Marion Cocklico. Cocklico. Cocklico. Love a light from Lauren and Chester. Hey, Cocklico. Cocklico. Cocklico. Cocklico. Cocklico. Oh, you would change your name when you're really Marion Cocklico. No. No, that's not good. It's a bit awkward. Do we have a game of WhatsApp noise? Yes. WhatsApp noise. WhatsApp noise. WhatsApp noise. What's that noise? What's that noise? What's that noise? What's that noise? Tell us the answers, girls and boys. Lauren, study wig and darling. Darling. Darling. Oh, yeah. She says, "Whassamir, my guess for mystery sound is, is it an electric can opener?" Is it? Very good. Yes. Have you got, I don't think you've seen it. I've seen one in this kitchen. Oh, fuck. That's upstairs. What the hell? What's that noise? What's that noise? Excuse me. What is that? Oh, my god, I've never heard that before. What is it? It's an air in the radiator upstairs. Oh. It looks so up. It means it's real when. Jesus. What's that? What's that noise? Oh, I'm scared. Have you got a vibrator on? Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Now, that comes with a few whistles. Whistles and bangs. Whistles and bangs up and down. Oh, god, that's loud. What's that noise? What's that noise? What's that noise? What's that noise? It wasn't the noise. It wasn't the can opener. So, one of these for you, my darling. Right. This email comes from Nicola in Newcastle under Lyme. Hello. Nicola from Newcastle under Lyme. Yeah, she's from Newcastle under Lyme. That's right. Okay. It's just I know you a bunch of loons. My guess for what's that noise is. Someone's brushing their teeth. That's strange. What kind of size of teeth brush is it? Who's it? It's a bit of rubber. Yeah. Well, it's watching a program the other night. Someone was brushing their teeth and it sounded just like that noise. Please say it's the right answer. Maybe they took the teeth out and they used some sort of like weird winding machine or something. Yeah, possibly. I did give a clue last week. Did you? Shit, I wish I had listened. Yeah, I did him a clip. All right, well, hopefully all this is worth paying attention. Honestly, this week they were. So go back to podcast 102 and listen to the clip. Yeah. And this is from Nicola Lingley Heath. Hello, Evac Glencarl and Mary and Watson, of course. First of all, I must say how much my hubby market I enjoy the show. We usually found choking with laughter on our evening meal as we listen each week. It was such a tonic in these difficult times, you should be on prescription. It was while we were munching on Hammond Mushroom Tagliatelle. I can't wait for the cheeky little glass of Australian red. Did we come down you know? We came up with what we think is the noise. Is it a sewing machine? That is a very good guess. Mm-hmm. And it's not the right answer. Damn it. Sorry. But the magic that is the podcast is fantastic. Julie Russell. Oh, thank you. Thank you, Julie Russell. Oh, I love the correspondents. If you want to keep the email coming in, by the way, it's. Hello at anytimepodcast.com. Just remind you, of course. We also have our number to call for. Because we're very organized, aren't we? Yeah. Where is this? Here we go. And the phone number, what's that? You can leave a voice note. You can. Coolest darling. Anything you want. Yeah, you won't be offended. Here's the number 075992927537. That's 075992927537. We can't wait to hear from you. Well, let's have a look at some of the messages that have been coming in. Hello there, podgang. I saw your new WhatsApp number and thought I have to message you all. I hope that's you are all doing fan-diddly testing. I just pop by to say hello to you all and to say a big self-indulgent welcome to myself. Why are you here, you ask? Why? Why? Why? Well, after two flipping hard years of spending enough money to support a Malibu Villa and trying, failing and having to wait again, I finally passed my driving test today. I genuinely thought I failed during the test as I scuffed the curb, but I passed with only two minors. I am a bit late. Don't do any grownups. I am a bit of a late starter being in my late 30s. But I did again. Can I get a bit of a cheer? It just goes the show. Keep trying and never give up. Lots of love to you all. Jenny Gray in Nottingham. Well done, Jenny. Well done, Jenny. How many of the tests did she say? Two, two, two years though of trying to. Wow. Yeah, but you didn't give up and that's the point. Never give up. Good on you. Well done, you. Very impressed. Now we've got one about the. You can use your car to come and see Glendon. Yes, absolutely. My ticket's to being out soon. We've got one from Andrea in Androsan. Androsan. Androsan. Androsan. A.R.D. is one of those male wanking tools she sent a picture in that time. Oh yes, that's all that. What did I sell like then? Yes, that's all that. Oh my god. It's dangerous. Where did she say where she's from? She sent it in the picture. Oh, Andrea from Androsan. Androsan. Androsan. It sounds like something crashed on that. If they asked if they sold them in Androsan, do you remember when we were talking about these male. You put your willy in them. Yeah. and have a nice time. Wow. I mean, it looks like an ice cream. She sent a picture in. And for all those men listening. I'm not going to have an ice cream ever again. No, there are some more pictures there. Well, now she's got somebody's dick in it. From Androsan. I don't understand. What did you just say there? It would actually do one or two things. You'll never have an ice cream again. Every time you see an ice cream, you'll want to stick your dick in it. And it's pink. It's a strawberry colour. Oh my god. Wow, they're actually. Yes. But I was also thinking about this. Like, with a vibrator. No, not that way. But with a vibrator, you can clean the vibrator obviously. You know, quite easily. But with this thing. Yeah. because obviously, they're going to be like, they must be able to clean it. Yes, of course you can clean it. But how do you get right down into this bottle? It must come apart probably, I don't imagine. That's not good cup. I never went into a cup. I was like, I imagine it comes apart. I think it's possibly. I would know. It looks like you probably press a button on the side and you just screw it to the left. And it'll just. like a bandit thing. It looks like a lot of work to clean that up. It does, isn't it? It really does. But thank you for the picture. Glenn's already. I've seen it. He's already pressed on it. Interested? Nope. Now then. We've got. What's this? It's a voice note. Oh, it's a voice note. Go on, let's listen. Oh! Merry Christmas! Considering it's the first of December! Oh! Fucking hell! I think that's our friend. Oh, yes, but no, no, it's not. Oh, it sounds so good to hear. It sounds so good to hear. Yeah. Okay. More of those, please, from everybody. You love voice notes. They're fantastic. No. I think there's. The sound of a car. I always say I think you know there is. Why do you pretend there is? Because you've got you. Why do you pretend it? I can hear it. He's coming off the bloody drive. It's loud as anything. Stop doing all this. It's loud as you. Oh! Is it? Oh, wearing headphones. Doing your best bit of acting. He's feckin' here. I hope he's not in a bad, shitty mood. Come on, we're in another experience on a nice ghost hunt within the. You just get abused all the time. You're a witch. You're a witch. You're a witch. Shut up. Shut up. Go on, your manners will go on. Get out there now. Where are you best friends tonight? Take the idiot chocolate finger. He must fit his size of his leg. Yeah, he's going to give him a chocolate finger. You're not rich? How are you nice? You're not rich. I can't do the card. He's in the card. Look at Kyle, he can't really cook him bloody red. Get out. He's got his legs on the par of him. Get my mates. Get my mates. He's always all friendly with him, isn't he? Hi, Red. How are you? A regional corka. Fucking eight sodener. That's nice. That's nice. That's my cousin. You should have married, Betty. You should have off-scale, not fucking down-scale. Let's face it for you to down-scale. Pretty fucking hard. I thought it was straight away. There's no need for that kind of fucking need. How are you, Red? Right, so before we start this stop recording, I've done a judy cut. I've had a bad fucking week. Oh, God. You've always been fucking tough. How was your day, Red? It's been fucking tough this week. I've had spurny on strike. *laughing* - Do you want more pay? - No you don't! *laughing* - Oh, let's give him some bad day. - No, he gets accused of being premature and he's not. And the trouble is. *laughing* And he was ejection. *laughing* He was fucking eject. No, he's not pre-com, he's pre-com. *laughing* Oh my god. *laughing* You've had enough, but you know he's got a throat. *laughing* No, he got accused of sex. Because he's been rejected from the Oxford English Dictionaries. Oh, he's reading on your cons. *laughing* *laughing* - They're not believers. - They're not believers. - Well, I don't have a word. - We'll have to get all of those films. Yeah, so we said no more pre-com. These people don't have to fucking pay. And it's difficult because you know he blames me, you know. - How much is it for Regis Berm? - I can't say this is not Reg, I'm fucking Regis dirty. - I mean, sorry, no, I knew you wanted me. - I knew you wanted me. - I can see it in the clear eye. - No, I can see it in the clear eye. - Oh my God. - I can smell yourself getting ready. - Oh, we are recording. - Oh, right. - Start recording. - Start recording. - Start recording. - Oh, God. - I can see you. - I can see you. - One recording. - Yes. - Okay. How are you? - Oh, I'm so happy to see you. - I'm so happy to see you. - Oh, I'm humble as always. - I'm just a humble celebrity star of psychic wealth. - Oh, yeah. - Two celebrities. - I see you've got a brand new ring. I'm surprised you've got any more rings on your fingers. - Yeah, that's it. - The ring is on your fingers. - It's a lovely ring. - It's a lovely ring, yeah. It's not new earring as well but the bigger the sovereign ring the better psychic you are Some people think it's like a satellite dish It's connected to the spirit Yes, do you have to pay a subscription? No, no, it's a gift. That's why I give it for the connection I give my talent Free for a cost Yeah, shall we talk about the wife managing me phone lines? She's great, you know she creates on the phone Can we talk about what happened a couple of nights ago? Oh, it was great. It was fantastic. I heard you two got scared Control that I wasn't scared. That's just the way it is Well, that's not how it is not how it felt to us You should play it and let the listeners both of them. Okay, okay. Where did you go themselves? We went to a very short Funkenston castle, wasn't it? Well, here we are. We are about to investigate. Sharfunkenston castle. It goes back many many Thousands and thousands of years. Really? Yeah, thousands of years. Oh, that's the Egyptian. Yeah, absolutely So really we just found out for a short fun constant. He's the fair though. Sharfunkenston was He was the mummy that was brought here, right In three and a half billion BC. Yeah, when they first made it and what you have here is He brought a demon dog with him a demon. Yes, I've heard of this. I've heard of this. It's Sharfunkenston's house How often is the dog seen? Can I just say from the historical records that the dog if Sharfunken He's seen at least twice a day not only is it seen out in the grounds, but it's seen throughout the whole of the building Now just to let you know we are here and they're very extravagant. It's very scary It is the dining room now. We've got Very dumb. We have got candle arbors that are lit on the table and we're hoping that maybe the demon dog will walk past the table and maybe Nudge. No, no, no, no, no, you just fucking look shit. You look shit scary. I'm fine. I don't believe there's a demon dog here Yeah, we would have heard about it long before now. Yes, that's why I think there's certainly a dog in here. Can you tell us now? This is what I get all the time now. Can you just tell us What are you picking up? That's okay. That's going to be getting down. We'll be quiet. Right. I need to I need to sense Get into the realms of the spiritual realm That's bear me can you come to us in Sharfunkenston castle? Come spare me. I want you to Spread yourself over the years and come through to us here As poor mortals To look for the immortal The dirty dusted least bit it. Sorry. The dirty dusted least bit it Oh my god, there's someone there That's the breath of the demon dog. Oh my god. I'm terrified I'm sorry if it sounds like shaking registry. I put it to waste them They've asked you to see fucking her. Oh, fuck Hey, let me spare me Set us give us your protection from the demon dog. Can you hear the demon dog? I'm going to hey demon dog You're which go out there and get some dog food Spreads over me balls. I'll get him I'll fucking get him take lick me balls like the dog food off me balls I can't deal with it. It's just by the dog you can end up looking his own balls We'll leave him there to get his balls legs So as everyone can see at home that was you running away Well, I was tackling the demon dog on my own you were very brave Towards the end it sounded like you were Yeah, I was spent I had a when you had gone. Yeah, I just had a fangirl a sexy Well, I think it was an amazing investigation into it was great. It was great. The dog the demon dog Has gone from that place and it's full of me home But he's crazy. He's got his little kennel out size. Yeah, he's got his only little pyramid kennel Have you registered it with the vet local vet? No, cuz he said He's a fucking demon dog And I wouldn't register anything with a vet. Does he come inside a lot? Don't be disgusted It's a good question because he like my balls. That's not something I enjoy gloves. Do you come inside? That's the path of my supernatural awakening. You don't want to come to one of my weekend courses you do Oh, we need to go to one of those places You missed a fucking radio man. What is my fucking Oh Oh my god Carl you've no idea what crap we have to put up with The producers of this podcast seem to absolutely loving we stuck with him for years to come I did this at the end of the day. He's someone who has got such a talent Such a talent and you're not seeing what we're seeing I can I've seen it before I've been at the lives We're not much smoke here around him eat and he gives great readings to people and then to be honest Yeah, there's lesser psychics that have made millions. Well, I'm sorry. You don't go out there and do you need you need? I'm sorry. It's towards the sold out Okay, well, I will do I'll stay I'll stay around next time but did he won't be very happy? No, I'd be lucky the car and his own in the cold Where have you gone? Well, you're coming back just in time to say cheerio Well, it's been an absolute blast. It has now people want to get in touch. You can watch suffers Here's the number 075992927537. Excellent. So 75992927537 and you can also email of course at any time, which is Hello at any time podcast dot com [BLANK_AUDIO]