200: Give Yourself Grace (feat. Julie Chrisley)

Welcome back to this week's episode of Unlocked. We have been talking about all things, family, healing, life, and today I have my beautiful mother on. Welcome, mother. Hi. We have done all the episodes when it comes to mom. We have done the prison episodes, life after we've done pardon all those things. And today we are going to do something different. We're not doing prison, we're not doing pardon, we're not doing dad, we're not doing business. This is just mom and I and we're going to have, give you a little insight into our relationship outside of all those things. Ask the questions that every mom and daughter want to hear and talk about and discuss. So I'm excited. Okay. You look really good today, mom. Thank you so much. You look really good. Thank you. I'm struggling today. Why? I worked out for the first time in a hundred years yesterday. Yeah. You never work out. And my legs hurt so bad. Really? The tops of my legs hurt so bad. Well, whatever I get back from the Cayman Islands, I'm going to be, you and I are going to work out together. Yes. We're going to be workout partners because go on with Dad and Chase. I don't like it. I don't either. I don't either. I wanted to go in there and do my thing. I don't need them aggravating me. I don't need Chase's music. I don't need any of that. See, yeah. I don't. It's really not enjoyable. Yeah. Because all they do is aggravate you the whole time. Right. Right. Yeah. Adam said, um, I think you'd do better with Savannah. I said, I do too. Yeah. Wow. What were they saying? They weren't saying anything. But, you know, just being themselves. And I'm like, I just want to come in here and get this done and be because I hate it. You know, I did not like working out. No. I mean, I love it. Oh, but once you get in the habit and the routine, you will love it. You keep saying that. It makes you feel so much better. Your energy is better. You start to look better. You feel good. Just all the things. Well, you know, I feel like I've been on good girl. I am a good girl. Um, if you lost a lot of weight, I lost a lot of weight. I've seen Dr. Galonis. So the only thing left for me to do is really just tone up. Yes. And that's what we're going to do. Because I got to get back to it, too. But I'm going to be on vacation for a minute. So after that, you and I are going to get to it. It's going to be great. I'm also excited. Except I feel like that is like bonding time. Yeah. For sure. And I think it's a specific time, like we'll know, okay, these days, at this time, we're going every day. We're going to be the gym. I don't know about that. We're going to be through Friday. That's fishin' this, man. I said, "Money, Wednesday, Friday." Why? Why? If you're not first your last, I don't care. No. You like your dad. You think if this says you need this much of a product, he thinks if you have this much, it's much better. Yeah. No. It's not always that way. I think it's being more intentional with your workout. Well, then you can do three days a week. I'll do five days a week. Then you're going to shame me. Yeah. Then I'll shame you. Okay. That is correct. Maybe once I get started, then I'll. I want to do it five days. You will. You'll want to do it five days. But all right. Getting into the podcast. I want to go a little bit deeper and something that I see in you that I don't think you see and yourself. I think when I look at you, it's a sense of strength that I don't think you even realize that you have and how you've gotten through the past few years and came out of it just a better person, more. Not that you weren't already a phenomenal person, but I just feel like you came out of it much calmer. Now, I'm not going to lie. You haven't a little emotionally inept recently. I don't really feel like you have much in no emotion. That's not true. That is not true. I. We have this conversation the other day. I'm very guarded on certain situations because I'm like, OK, let's just see how this goes. And let's take it one step at a time. And it's like, what do you mean how this goes? We know how it's going to go. There's a playbook for this. But you don't know how everything's going to go. And so I'm always just a little leery about like, you know, doom and gloom. I'm not doom and gloom. I'm not doom and gloom, I am a realist. You and your father and your brother, especially your brother, Chase, y'all are very life in the clouds. No, Chase is life in the clouds. Chase is life in the clouds. That is the definition. What he sees is not what anyone else sees. Right. But you and your dad have some of that too. That's where y'all get it from. OK, with that being said, then what do you see in me that worries you? Yes, I think in this next chapter of your life, you are going to have to learn to let go of certain things, let go of certain control, I have control problems. OK, OK, everybody in this podcast studio just passed out, but that's OK. I think you're going to have to learn that things are not always going to go your way. And that's. Mom, nothing in my life has gone my way. You? That's not true. That's not true. There's been a lot of things to go your way. Yes, I take out 28 months, take out that other than that. There have been things to go in your way. You have been a bigger. There's been more. There's been more to not go my way than. I don't think so. I don't think so. I don't think so. We've had a lot of blessings, you don't even realize how blessed you are. Well, yeah. And you are truly highly favored. Well, yes, I have been blessed a lot, but I'm not letting you forget about all the times I had. What we know. We know. Right now. But I think that's one thing. Oh, so there's a list. I asked her what worries me, and now she's not a list. No, I just think that's one thing. I just have a way of humbling you. That's all I'm going to say. What does that mean? It just. Life is way of taking care of everything. You know, it just. It will happen, and you will. Yeah. I'm going to leave it at that. Next question, please. See, look at this bright. Look at this bright. This bright. Oh, next question. Next question. Next question. What do you see in me that you're proud of that nobody's going to put on a headline? You know, I think people. We know that. They don't want. They don't want the positive. They want the nasty. They want the. Oh, yeah. She's a boss. She's a bitch. She's a bitch. Yeah. She's that. I think it's the things that you do that nobody sees. You know, I think it's from, you know, a random person that works at the grocery store coming up to me saying, "You know what? Your daughter. I watched her walk through this grocery store with an old lady that she didn't even know and help her with her groceries, and then she paid for them at the end." You know, it's things like that that I think that people don't see you, so they don't know that. I think it's, you know, the people that you help. I had. We had someone who we did a show with and she's like, "She said it, Savannah helped when my kids needed it." You know, and you didn't put that on social media. Yeah. You didn't put that woman on social media. You know. And I think a lot of times, you know, it'd have been easy for you just to throw your credit card out there and say, "Okay, I'll pay for this whatever," but you literally walked through that grocery store with that lady that you didn't even know and helped her with her groceries. You know, that's a thing. And I think that sounds so simple, but how you make someone feel. And listen, this just happened last night. I was with Chase and he got in the car and he said, "Man." He said, "I was just in a room and every single person spoke so highly of Savannah." He said, "I was so proud." He said, "When I tell you, mama, she is a rock star like every person in there loves her and they had nothing but good things to say about her." And I mean, this was a. Well, he was texting me, telling me. This was a room. This was not. No, he was texting. He was walking into a bar somewhere on Broadway. No. He was texting me, telling me just like all the people in there, like Sarah Huckabee Sanders. I love her. Love her. Right. She was there. Marsha Blackburn was there, so just every so many moms can I believe. I mean, he was just so many. But. And he said, "All the politicians were like just speaking so highly of me and her amazing." And I think that's the hard part, right, is like when you're in it, you don't really see and you don't really know the impact that you make and you really don't know what people think of you. All right. You just try to do the best that you can do and hope that it's received. Well, and it's like I've told all of y'all so many times and I keep telling it and I'm going to keep telling it. People. They'll forget you. They'll forget your name. They'll forget your face. They'll never forget how you made them feel. Mm-hmm. You have said that. And I used to be like, "Oh, God here. We go with the sank." But it's so true. But it's so true. It is so true. And so, while you were away, I was the parent and I was so happy to give that roll back. I was so happy. You know I was. But when you came back, you know, it didn't really fall. flip overnight. Yeah, it didn't really flip overnight. What's it been like to like take that rollback from your side? Um, and like at first, how did it feel into where it's at now? At first, it was, it was hard because you know, I think in order to survive in an environment like that, you have to really turn yourself off, turn your emotions off. Yeah. You have to create these walls, these boundaries, because it's the only way that you can get through the days. You know, it's the only way you can get through the holidays and the birthdays and everything that you miss. Um, so I think it took me a minute when I got home to realize, Hey, this has actually happened and I'm here, you know, and I can go on with my life. Um, I think, you know, there's so many emotions that I know I can only speak for me that I dealt with just from, from shame, from guilt, um, all those things, just all the emotions that that women and, and moms deal with on an everyday basis, I just feel like it was times a thousand. Yeah. You know, so I feel like, you know, it's been a little over a year and I feel like it's taken me that long to really get back. But when he came back, you know, it was, it was definitely a weird scenario because Grayson Chloe would text me and ask me about stuff like, do stuff or to have stuff. And I was like, you got to ask mom and dad now. Yeah. Like was that weird? Um, a little bit, a little bit, you know, because, you know, especially like for Grayson. And I think we had this conversation the other day. I left it such a pivotal time. And it was like, I left him as a child and when I came back, he was an adult. Yeah. And I think that was the hardest part. You know, yes, Chloe, yes, she changed and she matured and everything. But you know, so she still a kid, whereas it was like, I left him as a kid, but when I came back home, he wasn't a kid anymore. And I think that was, that was hard. That was really hard. Yeah. Because it was such a life transition for him. You know, like he, he needed you then and not that he doesn't need you now. Right. But he doesn't need you the same way as that he needs you. Not at all. Not at all. Not at all. Not at all. Absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely. Okay. 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We can see it before it ever happens but you guys are going to bust a gut and do it because that's just what you do and I think it's learning to let go. I wouldn't really change a lot as far as the mother that I was because I feel like you were amazing. I feel like I was a good mother. I took it very, very serious. My job, my role as another was the most important thing that I have ever done in my life. I said this to someone. I said I always, I raised my children. My children can never say that I did not raise them. I said they never had a nanny. If we ever had help, it was my parents or my, our child's parents. But every day, like I took my kids to school every day. I picked them up from school every day. I was at every sporting event that they ever had or activity or whatever. So I don't take those. I mean you can't take that for me. I will own that and I'm like, is that's mine. You know, I probably could have been a little tougher, not allowed dad to always be the bad guy and me to be the soft one. But that should say it is what it is. That's just a role. Like it fell into that. We fell into that. Yeah. I mean it is. It always was the tough guy. Right. And that was, yeah. I liked your role. But sometimes I feel like now he's a little softer. He is softer. He's way softer than you are. It's wild. The roles have reversed. I feel like he's gotten high unlocked listeners. Welcome to the podcast. Todd Chrisley. I shut up. Oh, okay. So what do you worry about for me that you haven't said out loud even to dad? Hmm. I worry about you because I feel like you are a lot like your dad in that enough is never enough. And like I want you to be in a place where you're really like good. And you're really okay. Like if this is the best that it gets, I'm okay with this because I feel like sometimes you miss out on so much because you're constantly trying to get to the next thing, the better thing, the bigger thing. Literally said that on my last podcast. You know, and I feel like doing that, you just overlook so many of the things that are really what's important. Well, I definitely said, I literally just got that out of my mouth and said, but I do feel like I'm getting better at that. Like I think now I'm in a position where it's like I'm with someone who's definitely looking at bigger and better. And but I'm like, all right, just bought a house. Like if this is as good as we ever do, great. Like that's good. That's great. That's good. But that also doesn't mean that you have to dim your goals or you know, not at all, not at all. But I'm also like if this is good as we ever do, great. That's awesome. But trust me, I'm gonna like live on a beach somewhere. Like obviously, obviously, obviously, what is, so I guess so you're worried that I'm just never satisfied. Right. Right. Wow. And not that you're never satisfied. It's easy for you to say is constantly wanting to more more are different. No, no, not always more, just different or, you know, because I think, don't you think you're always wanting different until you actually find where you belong? Yeah, but I don't know that some people ever really find where they belong. I feel like because there's all they're always trying to fill this hole and they try to fill it with the wrong things. And so, do they ever really find where they belong? I don't know. Well, mother, I'm just telling you, I belong on a beach. Yeah, walk on every morning. Yeah, with my children. Yeah. Okay. In clear water. In clear water. Yeah. Yeah. So that's where I belong. Yeah, that's where I want to be up on the river somewhere. I just want to live on a beach. Like literally, this morning, MC posted on her story of the babies and then out on the boat. It's like eight o'clock this morning. I know. And in the water and I'm like like this, I literally responded and said this is the life. Like that's the life, that's the dream. Like being outside, not the water. - You love the water and so do I. - Yeah, I love it. I love being close to the water. - Oh, here we go. But seriously, like being on a boat, not on iPads, enjoying outside and just like life is short. - Yeah. - I'm telling you, MC and Ricky, you got a copy in your life. You're gonna be a neighbor. I'm gonna be your neighbor, okay? No, they would love it. We would talk about it all the time. - Yeah. - I'm moving to Florida, eventually. (laughing) - Eventually, I just said I'm happy where I'm at, but I'm moving to Florida. - So see, about some rides, she's-- - Whatever, we're gonna be happy. - All right, what part of my healing do you wish that I would go further on? Or do you think I'm doing pretty good? - Mm. - I think that you've made huge strads. And I think you don't give yourself enough credit for where you were and what you've gone through and where you are today. - That's very true. - I feel like you see-- - Aaron, literally, basically, I just said that's, I feel like you don't give yourself enough grace. - We, I swear to God, you were just listening to the whole podcast I did for this, even though she wasn't in the room. That is true. And I think too, like, when you look at my life and obviously how outspoken I've been, did Dad tell you what happened at Starbucks this morning? - Yeah, he did. - So Dad was, 'cause it's leasing to my next question. So Dad was at Starbucks this morning. And he's like, made friends with the barista there. And he's like this really sweet gay guy. And as Dad is cloned a few weeks ago, Dad told him the guy went out and balled it. Then today he was like, "Oh, just switch things up on me." And Dad started laughing, told him what it was. They were talking. Dad's waiting on his drink. And this woman comes up and goes, "Mr. Chrisley?" And he's like, "I thought she was just going to say something nice." And he's like, "Yeah." And she goes, "I hope you and your daughter burn in hell." - Which is crazy to me. - Literally, I hope you and your daughter burn in hell. And the barista's like, "Mr. Chrisley, I'm so sorry." - That is so, it is so crazy to me. And this is what I said to him. I said, "That is what you say to somebody that harms a child, that harms an old person, that someone that kills somebody, that whatever abuses a child, abuses somebody. What, girl, you don't even know my story." - No, like, that is so, it is so crazy to me. Like, it is so crazy to me. I did not even wrap my head around. - Like, for somebody to say that. - Like, I would never do that. - I know, I hope you burn in hell. Like, lady at the Starbucks, I will reserve you a place, okay? Like, that is crazy to me. - I know. So, that leads into my next question, which is part of being, is there a part of being publicly hated that you worry I haven't actually processed? Like, do you think it's gonna ever bother me that I'm probably hated? - No, I don't, I don't. Because I think you are so strong in your convictions. - Yeah, I've listened to you, I live, I see you. Like, I know you for who you really are on an everyday basis. I have seen you at turning point events. I have seen you speak. And I feel like you are just so strong in your convictions that it, I'm not gonna lie and say that it doesn't bother me sometimes. - Well, it doesn't, it definitely worries you, especially when I go and speak at these events. - Yes. - I mean, this last event I went and spoke at. Again, regardless of political beliefs, the people out, like, we can believe differently and still have conversation. 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Visit progressive.com and see if you can enjoy a little extra cash back. Progressive casually insurance company and affiliates national average 12 month savings of $946 by new customer surveyed who saved with progressive between June of 2024 and May of 2025. Potential savings will vary. But outside of this event, there was a huge riot that broke out. And this guy was, I don't know if it was a guy, a girl someone was dressed up with a Charlie Kirk cat on reenacting the assassination of him. There were people screaming and yelling, all kinds of profanities attacking police officers. It's beyond and it's so hard for me to wrap my head around it because you guys always say, "Mama, you are so naive and you're just so polyanna." Whatever, rose color glasses, whatever you wanna say. I just, I can't honestly sit here on the sofa until you. That I've never in my life tried to hurt someone. Like, tried to say something to hurt someone. I've never been in a fight. I've never, and I've never, ever. If I can't help you, I'm not going to hurt you. And just because we might believe differently, doesn't change how I'm gonna treat you. And that's what I don't understand. That is where, and I welcome a conversation with someone about because you want to claim that you are the party of love, of acceptance, of everyone gets a voice and everyone gets to be heard. But it's only if you agree with that person. - Yeah, and if you don't agree, you're told. - Burnin' hell. - Yeah, that's the crazy part. - It is crazy to me. - And like, you've seen me speak at these things. You were at an event to where someone in the crowd starts acting insane. And it definitely scared you. And I think it also goes back to, you know, what was the moment if you can name one that you realize? Like, okay, this is no longer my baby. Like this, because I feel like I never think that. 'Cause anytime you are not with me, I'm always thinking, no, that is my child. And so you don't ever stop worrying. You don't ever stop thinking. - What's there a moment this? I don't see this. Yes, you are a strong, beautiful, independent woman with her own mind and our own opinions and whatever. But at the end of the day, you're my child. So I think you, I always look at you that way. - Do you think you, like, seriously, always look at me as like a little two, three-year-old, like, is there like a weird, like, flashback of that? Of like, okay, this is still my baby, but it's not my baby, you know? - Yeah, I think as a mom, you do have those moments, but it's just, because you never stop worrying. And I've always said this about you. You know, you think you're invincible and you can do anything and you're not afraid. And that's a draw, great qualities, I guess, to have. But I want you to be a, and I don't want you to live a life and fear and all that. But I feel like you gotta find that happy medium because everyone out here doesn't have the same heart as you. And I think when I realize that, that people, and I have to tell myself this because I feel the same way. I'm like, how could you be so ugly to me because I would never be that way to you, you know? Or I don't know, I've just never looked at someone and said they look different, they believe different, they love different and said, oh, I'm gonna treat them differently or I'm gonna be ugly to them or I'm gonna have something horrible to say. I just have never done that. Like I have never in my entire life done that and I'm not ever gonna do that, like I'm 53. So thank God, I'm not gonna change in my card. But it, - Yes, because not everybody's that same way. - No, not everyone is that same way. And that's the difficult part. So we did, you know, I guess my question was, like about me being little, like, as remember a time that you don't view me as that way. But then I feel like the next thing is a transition moment in like every mother-daughter relationship that if you're going through the thick of it right now and you're fighting like cats and dogs, I am here to tell you there is life on the other side. There does come a point in time to where you do have that, she's so weak, I can't, kill with me, okay. There is a point in time to where you do have that transition from like mother-daughter to kind of a best friend relationship, don't you agree? Like you'll always be mother-daughter. - Yes, I will always be your mom. You'll always be my child. But I do think you do look at things differently as your daughter becomes a woman and that she experiences things. And I think it's flipped. I think you are now able to see me in a different light than what maybe you did growing up because a, you know, I was just mama. And so now you see the things that I did in order to make certain things happen. - Well, that's what I say. The older I get, the more respect I have for you because I see that like things didn't just happen. Like you were behind the scenes doing every single thing and I just have more respect for the hardships that you've gone through and I just think the older you get and the more trauma you endure yourself, it gives you more understanding for other people. - Unfortunately, that's what it is. - Yeah, and that's sad that we have to do that, but it's the truth. - Well, and I've always said, like the moment you realize your parents aren't superheroes and it's their first time doing life too. - Yeah. - You'll be able to have a lot more grace. - Yeah. - Was there a moment that happened for us or like a drift or something that you remember, that kind of started that transition from like strict mother daughter to more of an open dynamic friends relationship? - Well, I think our situation was maybe different than a lot of mother and daughters because a, you were independent at an early age because you were, you know, we have the show and you were financially independent and, you know, you graduated high school early and you met the way. So I think that kind of takes on a difference. You take on a different role too when you know, you're not having to say, "Mom, can I go have my nails done?" You know, "Mom, can I do this? "When I do this, 'cause you just did it." 'Cause you were financially independent in order to do that. And I do think that that's a big thing, you know, 'cause once you lose that, I hate to say you lose that control, but it is. - You've always said the hardest thing is whenever we started making our own money and there's nothing y'all can do about it. - Right, right, because as much as that, okay, that was a huge blessing because you were out here being successful and being able to do things. But it is hard because a lot of people, a lot of parents, when they have kids and they're still in high school college, you know, whatever, they're still controlling the purse strings. - Well, yeah, you can kind of, you're like, "All right, well, you get one tank of gas a week, "or you get one tank of gas every two weeks, "you better watch where you go, "or you have to be home at this time, "or if you get in trouble at school, you can't do this." - Right, well, that's kind of hard whenever, you know, they're making their own money and can do everything in order to live independently and all that. - Yeah, and so now looking at life and where we're at now, is there anything that sticks out to you on advice you gave me that I took and then advice you gave me that I didn't take, that you wish I would have? Like when you look at my life now, what's some advice that you gave me that I actually took and lived by and a piece of advice you gave me that I totally ignored? - Hmm, that's a good one. Well, I always told you to find somebody that loves you just a little bit more than you love them. (laughs) - Oh, God. I mean, I did, you did. Because I felt like you were always the one that was doing the most and you were always the one fixing up and making somebody really good for the next one. - Yeah, I said, I always, guys, if you don't learn anything from me, learn this. I got men ready for their forever homes. Don't be me, okay. Don't get them all spruced up and ready for their forever homes. Like no, I'm not sprucing you up for the next chick. Like I started in a double wide with you and now I'm sprucing you up to get an actual house with her. No, not doing it. I'm out of that face of mine, probably. - So that's probably the, yeah. - Yeah, so find somebody, so that's a piece of advice that I took. - Yeah, at certain stages of your life you didn't take and then that feel like, yeah, yeah. Which, hey, see, I like that. See how she did that? That's, I mean, yeah. Okay, what's one piece of advice you give me today? If you knew I'd actually listen. - Mm. - You're Erin Chockel. Shut up, Erin. - Yeah, if I knew you would actually listen. - I mean, I feel like I'm doing pretty good. I'm on the straight nail. - Sometimes enough is enough. - You've already said that. - Sometimes you have to let go of some control. - Well, I'm gonna reiterate 'cause it's still relevant. - Okay. - No, sometimes she really wants to say right now. - No, I'm gonna, I'm gonna reserve it. Go ahead, next question. See, look, Brad Krummer. - What, Erin? - Maybe coming out of the gate sometimes about all the information. - Oh yeah, come out hot. - Yeah. - Yeah, I do come out hot. - Always, not always completely informed. - No, I mean, I tiered one little bad thing and I, yeah, you're right. - Yeah, you sometimes jump to conclusions. Or, 'cause I always think people are looking to hurt me. - Yes, you're very skeptical of people. And I don't, and you're justified it in a lot of ways because of things that have happened to you in your life. But sometimes I think just sitting back and taking it all in for a minute and giving yourself a breather, yeah, that's really hard. - Nobody in our family is really good at that. - No, we all just fly off the handle. - Yeah. - Literally, I have people zero to a thousand. - Like, literally, the person that I'm with is like, I'll just sit there at the dinner table and literally, he said this in therapy the other day. He's like, he told the therapist, I just sit there at their dinner table and they're just firing at each other. Like, it's normal. Like, and then I'm like, whoa, why did they go at this person like that or that person like that? He says that to me and I'm like, what are you talking about? Yeah. He's like, they don't even recognize it. They just fire and it's normal. - Yeah, yeah, y'all do. - Yeah, you're not really a participant. - No, I'm not. - No, I'm not. - We all fire and it's just like, yeah, we need to work on that. - You need to tell dad he needs to work on that. - Is one thing my mother-in-law said, it's way better to be a chrysly than be married to one. - Mother, that is brutal. - You would just say that. - She's saying. - Okay. - Visit goodgirlrx.com and use code Unlocked15 to get 15% off a checkout. Medical care is provided by licensed physicians, not all patients qualify. Goodgirlrx is a female focused health and wellness company built around the belief that women deserve better access to care and better conversations about their health. Through our telehealth platform, women connect with licensed medical providers from the comfort of their own home. During your virtual appointment, a doctor reviews your health history and goals and if clinically appropriate, may discuss prescription treatment options as part of a personalized plan. Those options can include GLP1 medications like tricepitat as well as wellness therapies such as NAD, depending on what your provider determines is right for you. Every treatment plan is individualized, medically guided, and based on your specific needs. Not trends or one size fits all solutions. I'm the founder of Goodgirlrx and this is my personal experience. For me, the biggest shift wasn't just physical. It was finally feeling heard, supported, and honestly cared for without shame. Everyone's journey is different, results vary, and not everyone qualifies, but access to real medical guidance can be life changing. Visit GoodGirlRx.com and use code Unlocked15 to get 15% off a checkout. - Well, you know what, mom? I just wanna ask you, who were you before you were a mom, before you were not a mom? - For you were our mom. - Okay, really my mom, 'cause I was just about to say I'm her favorite. That's not true, Grayson's her favorite. - That's not true, that is not true. Who was I before I was a mom? You know what, I was pretty headstrong. I see a lot of myself in you, honestly. I was pretty headstrong. I wanted you to do things my way. I was very independent. It was gonna be me. I was gonna do it, bust a gut, or do it. I was gonna do it, and I did it. But it was, I knew the moment. I knew the moment that I was pregnant with Chase, that that was what we're doing. what I was supposed to do. I was supposed to be a mom. - And so in that, like, I guess what was, like a version of you and dad, right? Before becoming parents. - Well, I don't really know that because he was a parent from the moment I met him. - Yeah. - You know, and we had children. So I've never, I've never had one child. Like I've never had one child. I say this all the time. When we brought chase home from the hospital within 20 minutes, Lins and Coward dropped off at our door. - That's 20. - Within 20 minutes of me being home from the hospital. So I have never had one child. Like just where I've been like, okay, I am my mom of one, you know? So I always had multiple kids, you know? - I mean, that's hard because I remember, you had always told me, do not marry someone with kids. Like you had always told me that. - It's hard. - And then I didn't realize that until after I dated someone with kids. - It's hard. - And it's not to say, like I will say in my situation, like, you know, I've always said, his kids were amazing. Like the greatest, they were so much fun. So loving. - It's not even the kids. - It's not the kids. - It's not the kids. - It's everything that goes along with it. - Yeah. - It's the crazy, insane exes. - Yeah. - It's also knowing that you're never gonna come first. You're never gonna come second. In my case, never gonna come third. - Yeah. - I was lucky if I came fourth. - Yeah. - Because there were three children. - Yeah. - And I think the difference is is whenever you're dating someone and then you have a child with someone, you both just fall into that. You both are like, yes, our kid comes first. - Yes. - But you had your moment with each other. And yeah, your fun times and your laughs and your adventures and like we from the moment with that met him, you know, he had two children. - So that's what us. - Yeah, it was never, we never had that. - Honeymoon period, where we were just carefree and we could pick up and do whatever we wanted to do. We never had that. - Yeah, and that's difficult. What would you say? What would you give? A piece of advice for a woman that's in that situation. - Girl, buckle up. You know, it's so hard because I really do try to figure people out and I try to figure out our situation and why it worked or didn't work. During certain phases of our life. And I have seen the situation and I've seen talk to many, many people, blended families. I feel like if he has kids and she has kids and they get married, it can work. I feel like the hard part comes in when they have children together because no matter what, these children always feel like they're on the outside looking in. They feel like they're at the disadvantage because they don't have their mom and their dad in the same household and this set of kids does. And this set of kids can't help that. They didn't, just like this set of kids can't help that their mom and daddy aren't together. This set can't help that they are. And it just is such a no-win situation, you know? 'Cause I for years and I can sit here and say this with every fiber of my being, I tried everything. Yeah, I tried everything to make it work. Yeah, and sometimes I think it's just not meant to. But what do you mean when you tried everything? Like I tried, you know, it's, you know, they had a mother so they didn't need me. I never wanted them, I didn't need you to call me mom. But I always made it known. I'm here for you, whatever you need. And our situation was different because they lived with us full time. It wasn't like every other weekend or whatever. So you know, it was just constant back and forth. You know, it's like, okay, well, you know, that yes, they have a mom. Yes, I'm here for you for whatever you need, you know? So you don't wanna overstep your boundary because they did have a mom, you know? But then you wanted them to feel loved as if I was their mom. You know what I'm saying? It was just, damn, if you do, damn if you don't situation, you know? And we've talked about it many, many times, you know? And you just can't win, you just can't win, you know? And it's so hard, I remember having this conversation with one of the children once they became an adult. And I said, you know, it was the conversation was somewhere along the lines of, you know, you don't love us like you love Chase and Savannah. And I, and I wanted to be, I wanted to be as honest and forthright as I possibly could. And I said, I'm gonna ask you this. Do you say that you love me? Me and your mom are laying on interstate 85. You've got to pick one of us to save. Who are you saving? - Yeah. - Now, this is a mom that was not present. She did not, her goal in life was not as a mother, right? But they said, I would pick my mom because I just think that's what God instills in a child to love their mother. And I think God instills in a mother to love their child. Does that mean you don't love the other kids? Because I did. But it's a different love when you lay down and give birth to one or, you know, an adoptive child. You know, you don't know, if you don't know, like Chloe's my child, I adopted her and I love her with my heart and so on. I would lay down a diet for her, you know. But I just think it's just so hard. It's just a, it's just this constant struggle. - It's this constant struggle and this constant fight. - Yeah. - I was, I was doing this podcast the other day and we were talking just to, just about children. Like I was talking just like Chloe during the whole time, yeah, we're gone, right? I was like, it's so amazing how innocently manipulative children can be. - Oh, 100%. - You know, like they don't even realize what they're doing. - Yes. - But it's like you're the greatest person in the world. But the moment you tell them, no, you're not my parent. You suck, I don't like you, you know? It's such a weird, crazy, and it's just something, it's just the human nature and it's, it is crazy. But it's hard, but I do feel like it can be done. I think for people who are listening and who are going through the thick of it, it can be done. But what do you think, what do you think would have helped if you would have implemented it early on? - You know, I honestly don't know. - I know that. - I feel like when we were in it, you do the best that you can do. And I think as a parent, that's all that you can do. You've never, I'd never been through it before. I didn't have kids, I didn't know, I didn't know what to expect. And all you can do is the best you can do at that time, you know? - Well, I've heard you say before, or maybe you or dad say, the best, like you've told people who have kids who were going through some crazy situations, whatever, the best thing you can do is let them see their parent for who they are and stop trying to protect them by keeping things from them. - Yeah. - You know, like can you explain that? - Yes, yeah, I do. 'Cause it's not like, it's not like, be littling the parent or trying to, you know, make that parent look bad to make you look better. That's not what we're saying. And I think that was always a struggle for me because at the end of the day, I always felt like, and I still to this day feel like that. Children who, whose mother is alive and they know warm, it's not, you know, if you can have a relationship, I feel like the relationship that a child has with their mom is one of the most important relationships. I think it sets the tone for so many other relationships in your life, you know? So I always wanted everyone in our household to have to be as whole as they possibly could. And maybe in doing that, maybe I did more damage than I did good. I thought at the time I was doing the right thing. - What would she like is including the mom and, you know, saying, you know what, it's, it's homecoming and, you know, there's pictures at five o'clock and, you know, she would be like, do I need to be there? Yeah, you need to be there. This is your child. - You should have let her make that decision. And was it true that you would like buy gifts and say they were from her? - I have done that. Yes, I have done that. And I have gone over and, you know, I cleaned her house to make sure that it was presentable for the kids to go over on Christmas and it be good. And you are better than I am. - I have done all that. So I feel like, do you connect to her? I did everything that I could do to make it the best situation it could. - Yeah. - When I think, too, you want to protect the children, right? Like, you want to protect them. - Yeah, but it's so hard because it's like, if you end up being the bad guy, like you're damned if you do, damned if you don't, because you're protecting them, but in reality, yes, they may be too young to know the truth, but if the parent doesn't care enough about them to not do those actions, then why is it your responsibility to protect them? Like they should just see and know how they did that. That's what I said in like my past situation, dating someone with three kids and their whole story. I'm like, you just need to let them see her for what she is. Like just let them see it. - It's hard and listen, and when you have children, you will understand that it is a love and that you can't describe and that you want to protect and that you want to, the last thing in the world is you want to see as your child hurt. And anything that you can possibly do to keep that from happening as a parent, you do it, you just do it. - Yeah. - But unfortunately, I feel like in today's day and age, it's not always the right way, because then it feels like you live a life of lies and then you get to adulthood and you figure out the truth. And it's like, why did you tell me it was different? - I know, I know. - But you know, the thing about it is there is no such thing as a perfect parent. - No, not at all. And you can read a million books. And as my mother-in-law has said, all them people writing them books, if they had ever been a perfect parent, there would only be one book written. - Yeah. - Yeah, it's, it's, that's something I feared. So I can damned if you do damned if you don't situation. - And with every child, hopefully you become better, and better and learn from your mistakes and what works and what doesn't work. And well, you are a phenomenal parent. I can tell you that. - Well, thank you. - You were phenomenal. - Thank you. - I've always said that if I could be half of who you are, I will be happy, I will be happy. So, as we get to a close, we're gonna play a little game. But if something happened tomorrow, which we're not manifesting that, what do you want my future kids to know about their grandmother? - It's a good one. - Yeah. - I want them to know that I loved as purely as I possibly could. Oh, that's a good one. - And I actually sent you something the other day that you probably didn't read it. - Hey, don't buy family bombards. Like machine guns, Instagrams to you, and it's actually to look at every single one. It's like you go to look at one, and there's like 7,500 in the queue. It's wild. - This is what I actually, okay, you ready? This would be it. This is what I want, this is what I would want them to know about their mother. - Okay. - About their mother. - Okay. - For a mother. - My daughter is in a reflection of me. She's the evolution. She's stronger, braver, and more unapologetic, unapada, I can't say that word, unapologetic, unapologetically. - Let's say it again, unapologetically. - I can't say it, unapologically. - Unapolog, all right, let me start out. - Okay, my daughter isn't a reflection of me. She's the evolution. She's stronger, braver, and more herself. (laughs) All right, let me start her. I can't say unapologetically. - I can't say unapologetically. Unapologetically. - Unapologetically. - Yeah. - Okay, unapologetically. She's the evolution. She's stronger, braver, and more unapologetically. (laughs) Let me do it again. - I don't need to repeat that word for her. - More unapologetically, herself than I ever knew how to be. She asked the questions I was too afraid to voice. She speaks truths. I once kept buried. She walks with the fire. I had to fight to find. She is not my shadow. She's my legacy. She carries my love, not my fears, and watching her rise into who she's meant to be. That's the honor of my life. - I love that. - That's amazing, send that to me again so I can find it. - Say, you didn't even read it. - It was lost on you. - It was lost. No, I love that. - Yeah. - You do have a heart. - Yeah. - I love you. - Yeah, I actually have another one. - Oh, what's another one? - Yeah. A woman's relationship with their mother. At five years old, my mother can fix anything. At 11, she doesn't know how to do anything. At 17, I'll never be like her. At 24, maybe she was trying to protect me. At 28, I sound exactly like her. At 32, I finally get why she said no. At 36, she carried more than she ever showed. At 40, how did my mom handle all this so gracefully? At 50, I wish I had asked her more questions. And at 60, if only I could call my mom one more time. - Oh, way to end us just like on a sad note. It makes me want to go-- - No, how true is that? - That is very true. - How true is that? - As a teenager, you're the worst person in the entire world. And it's like, we just said, the older I get, the more I realize, I had no idea. I had no idea. - Yep. - All right, since you love cooking, we're gonna play a little game. - Okay. - Let's say I want to open up the recipe box, but I still don't have one 'cause my mother still is not handwritten her recipes for me. - All right, okay. - Okay. - So, mother. - Okay, I got you. - Dad asked me today what's something that I've seen that I've wanted. Well, that's what I want. - Okay. - It's a recipe box. But I want you to open up your mind of recipes. And I'm gonna ask you about three dishes. - Okay. - For each one, tell me who it's for, what the lesson is. And I don't need the recipe, I need the lesson. - Okay. So, for round one, tell me about a dish you make when somebody in this family is hurting. Who's it for and what's the lesson? - A dish I make when someone is hurting. You know, I just think a dessert, like a pound cake is like something that's sour. - See, I don't think so. - Like, I'll automatically think of chicken and dumplings. - Oh yeah, 'cause it's just warm. - Yeah. - And two, I think like this one's really more for Chase, right? 'Cause you can make him like his favorite food and it's like, uh, yeah, he loves it. - Yeah, yeah, chicken and dumplings is a good one. - Okay. Tell me about a dish that means home to you. Who taught you to make it and what's the lesson? - Mm. - A dish that means home. I think that could be chicken and dumplings too. But again, I think it's something sweet. I think it's a pound cake. Like, when I think of a pound cake, I literally was thinking about making a pound cake on my way over here today. And, but I think about like, when we lived in Atlanta, right? We lived in Heatherwood. I would always have a pound cake and like, my father-in-law would always come. - That was his favorite thing. - And he would always come to get a piece of pound cake and for me to make him a cup of coffee. - Yeah. - And say it was just like our thing, you know? Like, what would you say the lesson? - What would you say the lesson? - And this is, I don't, I think with like, cooking and like, you just said-- - Like, that is my love language. That's how I show people that I care. You know, I make a meal for them. I bring it to them. And I used to be so much better than I am now about it. I need to get better with it, you know? But, okay, tell me last but not least, tell me about a dish you make only for yourself. - For myself? - Yes. Like, what's something you like that no one else likes? - Well, I like to make this cheese ball that my mom used to make and nobody else really likes it. I literally have the cheese sitting out on my counter right now to make it later. - Yeah, you're lying. - Yeah. And no, Nanny, I'll really like that, but I like it. 'Cause I like to eat it with crackers. - But what do you think? Do you think you like it or do you think you like it? 'Cause like, Nanny, Pam used to make it. - Yeah, she did used to make it and I don't know. I just like it and y'all don't really care anything about it. - No, I don't care about that. And don't come at me with some nasty ass vegetable soup. Oh, my gosh. - Oh yeah, when you're done. - Who loves it? - Oh, my God, it's just like everything in your fridge just thrown together and it's very strategic with what I put in my vegetable soup and it's so good. Y'all has peas and it, who eats peas? - It's so good. I'm actually making meatloaf mashed potatoes in English peas tonight. - Oh, biscuits. - Oh, well, first off, you're not making biscuits, mom. When you make biscuits, it sounds like Nanny is making the biscuits. - When mom makes biscuits, they sound, you can use them as like a hockey puck. - Ah, I'm gonna mash them. I'm gonna mash them. But I actually made them one day. - I did tell my mother-in-law before I left the house that I would need her assistance. I usually do all the cooking, but I told her I would need her assistance tonight 'cause I'm making meatloaf mashed potatoes in English peas. I need her to make some biscuits. - Do you have enough for two more people? - Sure, always. - You should follow my recipe. - It's really good. - Now you're gonna tell me how to cook. - Do you some like course radishes? - Well, I'm just saying, okay, well, I'm going over to your house for dinner. I love you. Thank you for coming on the podcast. - Thank you for having me. - Hello and welcome to Pluto fo. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto TV. 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