Give Me Everything with Pedro Garcia

kick this motherfucking mule leaf what's up beautiful people it's tuesday july the 21st welcome to another fun-filled edition of the church of wood snapping and now new testament how you like me now you know i'm saying that vitamin stuff is working anyway we got a great show for you tonight we got my main man pedro garcia hello comedian and gamer extraordinaire we're gonna cover a couple topics and my main brother from a different mother johnny hitler on his fucking birthday wish fucking happy birthday fuck yeah we got a club up cake we're doing dabs we're doing everything tonight holy shit oh yeah what's going on gentlemen chilling man everybody had a good weekend everybody got rained on this motherfucker oh yeah that was the rain that was real that was good rain oh i saw the flooding in queens i forgot about that bro it came down by me four times like it came down for like 30 minutes but it was pure destruction not a lot of wind nobody's power went out then the fucking sun come out yeah and you're like oh shit okay and you go do a couple things you go out to the car to get your wallet and you're like what the fuck just happened darkness it's two in the afternoon there's a black cloud right over my fucking head and then it rained but i mean lee coming down did it flood because remember in la the streets would flood la flooded maybe eight days ago did it really yeah no no no maybe like last tuesday night but then i i didn't know that but then i like at least in la i expected it i saw some videos of queens of it like the firefighters had to save people no that's like it was swimming in the street swimming canoes oh yeah no i forgot i saw some argentinians those soccer people they got canoes if they ain't playing soccer they're canoeing somewhere what would you do if you saw those like the vikings on the other on the train doing the they were pretending like they were rowing a boat imagine if you were on that train what vikings the soccer fans yeah but the white people that's the end i thought that's what you were talking about what are you talking about they're nice white guys just what talking about fucking people from south america oh or whatever the fuck they're from if they don't play soccer they got a canoe yeah exactly that's all i didn't know anyone from south america you had a fun filled weekend in texas i had a great week in texas i went by storm and shit i took tuesday to sunday i was thinking about because you used to do those length of weeks do uh especially two shows friday too and did you i had the craziest late shows i've ever had you're in texas i took i took two shots of tequila on stage six and all and thank you to everyone who came out like the friday and saturday shows were pretty busy the late show friday was like 20 people six out of 20 got permanently banned from the club because they were so fucked up it was i felt like i got beat up on stage like because it wasn't like they didn't they were having a great time but like i didn't get to do material they were just asking questions one one one woman got really mad because her fiancee didn't get to do material they were just asking questions did too much coke and his dick didn't work and i didn't ask any of these things like it was just stuff yeah i just blew it up that means you're trying to make it work right there it's a suburb room correct kind of known right in the middle of fort worth really right in right in downtown fort worth it was great that was a lot of fun i did waco and that was a lot of fun smell like gunpowder still there's nothing in waco and dallas just smell like gunpowder in dallas yeah but we go to the grave or anything the grave yeah waco oh the oh the the cult thing yeah no you didn't go over to put a flower on the grave no you said you know i went to bucky's and i left that was that was all i saw that you love bucky's oh i didn't i can imagine they had the guy in the costume but uh no it was just i haven't had a week that's like the most headlining i've ever done in a week we've been together for 15 years right and i told you one of the craziest late night stories when i got up there for the second show and the show was a lot of fun and i was like i'm gonna go to the grave i'm gonna go to the grave light, so the guy goes, anybody from the first one that wants to stay, it's for free. I get in there, there's 16 people on that line. And I get out of the state and this chick is all fucked up. And she gave me the evil eye. And out of nowhere, she just gets up and says, I sucked his dick. And the guy's like, what are you talking about? I'm like, what are you talking about? I kept doing jokes, but I could hear her. I sucked his dick. Isn't that the one that you. The late shows on the road, they're not controlled. No. Listen, when people tell you to go on the road, it's not to do shows because you can do shows anywhere. You can pull up at Sears and do a fucking show. What they tell you is to experience. You just said it. I didn't do a minute of material. I just stood up there and got beat up. Welcome to the road. If it's not an improv or like a civilized club, you're on your own. It's hand-to-hand combat. Look, I remember all those clubs. Some of them you leave there and you know, like. Some of the shows, people pay attention. Right. The first early shows. The early shows were great. The early shows were like special tapings. It was one of the best shows I've ever had. And then it was so bad that Friday night that the manager took me out the back because they said people were just outside. Listen, Lee, I gotta talk to you. I was wearing a cowgirl hat on stage. Didn't they take you out of the back of a different club a couple weeks ago, too? Maybe. Not that I can remember that one. They don't like Jews in a lot of these places. I made a bunch of Jewish jokes. See, I don't. They're never around Jews. All they watch is TV about how bad Jews are. Missiles and fucking kids with their arms blowed off. They don't know the real fucking people are. Dude, when it's people who know the podcast, I do. I'd say what you told me. That they're just gonna ask me to can I touch you? Like, it's the first Jew I've ever seen. Can I touch you? And it's. Dude, it was. Wake up! They gotta do it a sign on the cross before they touch you. Oh my god. I don't. Yeah. I would just say. I made jokes about Israel, which I've never done, but it was, uh. My favorite and, like, I had a great time in Austin and Fort Worth, but Waco, like, dude, it was a Thursday night in, like, a weird ballroom of a hotel. It was a great show, but there were 150 people. Like, the middle of nowhere towns where they just come out because there's something to do. Oh. It was so much fun. And then there's no pressure to sell tickets. It's just. It's just you're doing it because they would be there. Either of them. You could light your asshole on fire. They don't care. And then they'll come up to you the following week and go, do you know Tommy Lee? And you're like, who's Tommy? He did the accordion. Well, I don't hang out with those type of dudes. You know what I'm saying? He had an accordion with an American flag. He was so. And you're like, come on, lady. Give me a fucking break. They put Zombo in front of them and they clap. You know, Zombo with a harmonica. They go nuts, but that. It's an education. Right there, you just learn something. You're like, wow. Population is 700 and 300 of them on my show. Yeah. You know, when I was an open mic of Pedro, there was a guy, Bauer. Great guy, bro. I even looked him up and thanked him. Paid my rent for like a year. But he would get rooms in Wyoming and a fucking barn. You went to the hotel. There was like a chicken in the lobby. And then you get to this place and it was a barn that was redone up on the side. Yeah, those are nice. I've done those shows. With about 400 people. You got like two years in as a comic. And you hear about all these things. Oh, wait till you do this. Wait till you do that. You go every time you're there. You just missed it, man. Last week, we were turning people away. And they started telling excuses why the fucking weekend ain't working. It's a football game tonight. It's homecoming. Yeah, those are all my shows. Dude, I did a show in Cape May and they were very nice people, but when I got there, we've never had this much interest because they only sold tickets at the door. They had like 11. I had to bark people in. Oh, shit. To have something. It's and I can't imagine in Wyoming. At least like Wyoming. Like the middle. He had another place too. Above Colorado. He had a couple rooms. He had where the Broncos they do there is kill cows. So as soon as you drive in, you just smell cow shit. When you're on stage, you smell cow shit. But I cut my teeth in that room. It was the number one room in the longest lasting one-nighter in the country for a while. They even had a write-up about it on Yahoo. Same guy ran it the whole time? The same. He passed it down. He ran it for like three years before I started till 95 when I left. And then he owned like a motorcycle shop. This dude he was a fan of comedy. He didn't want to travel, but he just wanted an emcee in front of an audience. So he put his own shows together. That's great. That's awesome. Bill Bauer. Bill Bauer. There's two of them. Not Wild Bill Bauer. Just Bill Bauer. Are they related? No, no, no, no, no, no. But Greeley, Colorado. That's the second gig I did. August. I don't even know. The one that disqualified you from the competition? That was the room I did. It was his room and he gave me five bucks for gas. And they said I was a pro because I took the five bucks. bugs give me a break guy so enough with this shit pedro shit tell me something cocksucker i don't know man first off congratulations on your way oh thank you so much thank you appreciate that thank you it's great thank you uh you're a good man you know and you're a good comic you're getting to that point now where you gotta spread your fucking wings right and you're having a good time but you're also an excellent gamer how did you come about this shit dogs smoking dope and gaming since i was like six years old dude oh you've been gaming that long since i was a little kid brother i was always i'm uh i'm 35 what was your first system my first system was a nintendo 64 that's the one yeah so i didn't have no system right when i was growing up the girl upstairs that lived upstairs from me had a system i saw it one day and she introduced me to it bro forget it i don't even care about pussy i was focused on mario i was like all right thank you and i just she let me borrow it one day and i begged my parents and then one day out of nowhere surprise dude from there never gave up college college bro you brought it with you to the dorm i went to the baseball house yeah yeah that's a dumb fucking question oh dude even when i got like when i got in a little trouble i had to stay home bro i fucking i've drilled a fucking hole in the ceiling put up that that wire for the internet xbox 360 halo freaking every night i freaking uh drink uh four locos you ever heard of this shit it's like a it's like an alcoholic drink i drink like three of those and just play halo all night drunk and talk shit the fucking people oh you play you play online and like talk before streaming you were just talking yeah yeah before no camera just by myself having a good time i don't think guys i can admit it here at this age i don't think i never saw you do it either growing up we played games well there weren't games for you to play pinball yeah yeah you did pinball and my thing is miss pac-man yeah when you're gonna do laundry there's always you can get that at your house now yeah that's what i want in my living room those fucking noises when you're smoking bong heads there's certain things lee that are left like that for that what if i buy it i go crazy on it for a month now it's just in my garage and people hanging jackets on top do you understand i haven't you know picking up a hobby like going to a laundromat if you go every fucking day and you wake up in the morning you bang your wife and you go right to the laundromat you play if you do it for like two or three years now we have a problem we have a problem we have a problem we have a problem we have a you might as well buy one okay and bring it to the house but you know i only do it when i wash you know that little hour and a half you got i dropped 30 bucks the whole fucking deal that's what i love but i wouldn't want to do it there's some things you leave out and there's some things you bring home but you never did really any video games other than that did they have arcades when you're growing up probably for pinball that's where you went to buy drugs yeah there was one right next to hashways where we grew up that deli in the corner it was at wizards it was called wizards and i didn't even know it was fucking there and i would go how many times i go to hudson county park as a kid but i also wasn't getting high but i still remember them going if you want to buy acid tonight meet us at wizards and some creepy guy in the back with glasses right on county boulevard would sell us all no i never was a big mouth guy because there was uh there was those guys on that side but i was always uh uh no no no i can't believe i was on county boulevard that rap on my other buddy's house it was right on but that was there was a liquor store there and it was a fucking thousand things there so no i just settled on that but that was it lee and i never knew people played video games and people paid to watch them that was when i heard that my mind almost fucking blew up and it wasn't until we were all sitting at a table one night in austin talking shit and out of nowhere i fucked oh started talking about it red man and he goes you should play that i go bread man i never played that shit before what would i play it now about a week later i go to the bedroom to do whatever as i'm walking down the stairs mercy's there with earphones and shit she had a she's still good friends with the girl's name is like amil something like from egypt i don't know where she's from nice girls comes over every once in a while and mercy was shooting something and i actually tapped her on the shoulder she took the earphones off i go what are you doing trying to do shooting amil's father and she fucking she fucking lost it and i go let me see you do it and i just sat there and i'm like this is pretty fucking cool and again you have to fit that mode well i think because like i don't know like you were playing online i didn't play online but when i was growing up i didn't have a system either but i thought i'd go to my friend's house and i'd go to my friend's house and i'd go to and like you know you all take turns so you end up watching people play a lot right so that was fun and then i don't know how old twitch is but it makes sense like we all got used to watching each other play and like having fun if they're if they're doing good and right you know people are so entertaining on there it's like that guy what was that guy who did um fortnight for a while with the hair ninja yeah making millions of dollars and like all day like 12 hours a day i mean it helps like a lot of people like sometimes you don't even have to be good at the video game like you're just like you because of your personality and how you react to things like like that that's a lot but sometimes you get people that are freaking absolutely beasts at games and that and people watch it for that but overall man people get entertained because that's like it's it's like they're playing the game without playing you know what i mean they're watching you that's why twitch is so popular it's very intimate and stuff like that but video games have been a part of my life forever bro it's like it's the coolest thing dude i used to do try to do good at sports to get a fucking video game like my dad would be like hey listen if you get three tackles today grand theft auto 3 and i'd be like fuck i'm gonna grant that auto 3 there's nothing nothing else motivated me but video games that's how fucking crazy i was about it did they take it away if you got in trouble oh yeah oh nah not really i just got my ass beaten i'd rather get my ass beat keep me playing i'll go right back to the system i would love to see not how they make the games but just the insides and you know like something is like i said listen i had a guitar i tried like eight things eight things since i've moved here you know i thought i would love the guitar you know you gotta tuck your thumb and do this give me a break you know i watch jimmy page you don't hide this thumb and all it's just it was too much for me i've tried a couple fucking things you know i tried going out and drinking that didn't work out for me you know i did it like twice and i'm like this sucks you get water i'm not your bar drinking water with lemon make them believe i'm watching a hockey game yeah i'm like what am i doing with my fucking life and then they suggested this uh video shit you were telling me you played and i kept saying to you bring it up to the dojo so i could watch it yeah i just wanted to watch man but then i just mercy told me she got me the game christmas and took me like three months to set up i'm like i'm gonna do this shit i don't know nothing about this stuff i can see if like i had like a brother who was really into it and lived next door and because i'd be over that eight in the morning right yeah yeah i'd be over there early lee but that's my problem that i know i'm i have an addictive personality first time i played that shit with you guys i went upstairs and i summed it up this is gonna be fun i kind of like what i'm doing yeah i can't drive i'm horrible at this but like anything else just get on it a couple times and you'll get better on it and you'll understand more of the game yeah and i said let me give it a fucking shot but dog i could see myself like ordering chinese food delivered because i'm so into this game and i can't imagine having like six or seven to use that play this shit and we all get high and set up like a central nervous system with one camera on everybody we go the extra hundred bucks and dog i could see you doing this three hours a day but after three hours that's that's just the appetizer i gotta go do people are already taking the day off when the next grand theft auto comes out yeah they're already requesting that for when the next grand theft oh yeah i believe it that's we're gonna be on that same fucking day exactly on that same bat channel that's right that same bat time when does it come out november november 17th i don't know november 17th i think the day before my anniversary for arresting for kidnapping vella i always have to be on that same bat channel sometimes they have it in prison like what if you were in prison could you see yourself doing this all day no no i would get first of all i'm lying to you guys i would get up and at least try to do something maybe go to a gym ride a bike go outside and get some sunlight you know it's like anything else it's like anything fucking else i love smoking cigarettes okay i go out with you guys one night i'll just go to a guy who's smoking marlboro lights let me bum a cigarette you guys look at me i'll smoke one and that's it i enjoy smoking them but you know what i really like smoking a cigarette after my coffee bright and early in the morning that may be a ball lick yeah i was gonna say somebody fucking sticking a fucking cucumber up my i don't know what i'm trying to say to you is i'm fucking Love getting a coffee, taking a couple hits off the coffee. Smoking a cigarette and then hitting a real fucking joint and then coming back with a fresh cup of coffee and another cigarette. That would be the breakfast of champions for Pop. And what happens when you do that? Like, what do you feel like? A big-ass shit. You'll die. You'll die? You'll die, except for George. Like, George, except for George, he ain't going to die. He's been doing this all his life. He'll smoke a cigarette without even getting out of bed. He'll just take a—and he'll just sit there and think about what happened the night before. But he'll do, like, three of them a cappella laying on his back. I have a hard time breathing on my back. I got to put a sleep apnea machine to fucking breathe. Meanwhile, he's smoking Marlboro fucking Reds. It's amazing. I just—I don't know what my point was. I'm asking how you feel because you have that whole system. I'm just saying that. I'll tell you what. I stopped smoking for years, and maybe when I first moved to North Hollywood, one morning I got carried away with the reefer. I don't know whose cigarette it was. I just picked it up like 8.30 in the morning, and that was when I realized I'll never smoke in the morning again because once you haven't done it for a couple years, then you do it, you're like— Oh, we might get— Holy shit. I've never seen anyone smoke cigarettes. I've seen you smoke cigarettes. You do this to your body in the morning. To your body in the morning, you ruin your day. I love doing cocaine, but I knew one thing. I could not do cocaine in the daytime unless my day was ruined. Like, I got nowhere to go and nobody to do it with. Fuck it. I'll snort coke at 2 in the afternoon, but not really. It wasn't my favorite thing. 11 o'clock at night, all bets are off. Where are you going? You either go to bed or you're snorting coke. Looking through the window. When we met, you were smoking. Yeah. And you would smoke, like, half of a cigarette and two puffs and throw it away. Yeah, throw it away. Eat Mike and Ike's and then just do another cigarette. And then right before the CISO special, you picked up smoking for, like, three weeks. It was very—you had in your head that it was going to, like, pump you up or something? There is nothing I love more than doing the same ritual before your spots. At this time, I wasn't back at the store yet. When I got hooked up with Lee, I wasn't back at the comedy store. I was just doing gigs with Rogan. People would hire me to do these rooms for 200 bucks. But I'm like, I got to work on my act. So I would go to the Ha Ha Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays. And I would tell people, just meet me there. Because I would park my car and go right to the candy store. There was a candy store that stayed open until midnight. And they had everything. Every size fucking lighter. I think they had bungs in there, too. Oh, yeah. Yeah, but all you ever got was Mike and Ike's. Huh? All you ever got was Mike's. Mike and Ike's. Mike and Ike's and cigarettes. Yeah, why not? That's all I got. It was delicious. It was late. It was 10 o'clock at 930. I was always delayed at the last act. And I would go down there. But you mentioned that, and I got, like, warmth. It became something. I knew on Thursdays and Fridays and Saturdays, if I was home, I went to the Ha Ha and closed out the show. But I'd always dip into that candy store and get my Mike. I brought one in a couple times. They ran. I would get insulted. Yo, what the fuck? Well, no one else in the whole world bought Mike and Ike's. I've never seen anybody eat Mike and Ike's. Me neither. Have you ever seen me eat a Mike and Ike since then? Actually, no. What happened? Just the way life is. It fit that part of my life. It fit me getting to there. And before I went in finagled with the comedians and the comedy, I had a little Mike and Ike to take me back to my youth. That's what I miss. I miss having a place to go back to remind me. Like 76th Street, that Exxon. That's my place. At the end of every night, 4 in the morning, 5 in the morning, 2 in the morning. That was my last stop before I head home. So that's the one across from the high school. Yes, sir. It's not right across. It's this way. Right, right, right. It's like one block, like one little block over and then right across the street. Right there. 76th Street. Man, brother, every night, 4 in the morning, everyone fucking candy, freaking Arizonas. If I need to stay up more. I'll buy a Jolt or some shit, freaking the caffeine, Red Bull, some shit. I never robbed that gas station. It was there when I was growing up. I used to rob the one across from the high school. Yeah. That was Georgie Amato's joint. People used to rob that one, too. Oh, my God. Nobody fucked with the Exxon because the guys were cool. The Valero, the guy was a dick. Fuck him. When he pulled out that one of cash, fuck. Oh, my God. That was an Amico when we were growing up. It was an Amico because that was the Cuban guy's name. It was Bob Amico when you referred to him. That place was a haven, fun. But, yeah, we went to shoplift. I went to shoplift the gun and got caught shoplifting the gun. And then the lady goes, just take it. I told her it was from my dead brother. Yeah. You know, this is what he wanted in the grave with him. He thought it was Brian's. You shoplifted a gun? Huh? What do you mean? What do you mean? Athmark was. I'm telling you that. And they had guns? No, they had water pistols. Oh. So I went to try to rob a water pistol, but I got arrested shoplifting a water pistol. That's just to let you know the early retardations of Joey Diaz. And then I fucking. She gave it to us. I went home. I put black tape around it to make it look shiny. I busted that red thing from the inside. And me and my buddy got arrested. So I went in there ready to shoot a motherfucker. And the guy looked at us, and he was washing his hands. And he left his money on top of the counter. I didn't know whether to even take the gun on at that point. We just grabbed that motherfucker. And we didn't go on Kennedy Boulevard. We ran down and that way on those. The avenues. The avenues, yeah, yeah. Towards Bergenland, but we never really got there. It was like 200 bucks. We thought we were fucking gangsters. Yeah, dog. We must have been 16. Yeah, 16. 16. 16. 16. 16. It was not. But that's not even a real one. A real one is me going in there, smacking the guy. Give me everything. Yeah, yeah. No. Freeze. I didn't have the balls to do that yet, you know. No. Honestly, at that time, the guy I went with was an animal. So he would call me a pussy and rob the guy himself and then not give me a dime. So I was like, I got to do something. But when we pulled up, the fucking guy had the money on. We walked up to him. Yeah. We didn't have cars. We walked up there. You walked to a robbery? Well, unless I had a roller skate or a fucking one of those e-bikes, you know. Yeah, yeah. How did you get away? He didn't just chase you. We walked away. Now you know why my knees are fucked up, okay? Running on concrete. Yeah. Scaling a wall when you can't scale. Yep. No cameras. No cameras, you know. So, yeah. It's funny how many of those, the first place ever was that, Pedro was never there when you were a kid, the Wing Fong Chinese restaurant. That was right before Chicken Delight. Right on that block. You don't remember the Wing Fong? 80 Kennedy? I'm going to tell you something else. It was, when we were growing up on the way back from varsity games, if you walked down Bergen Line, by the chicken, Chicken Delight and all that, there was a record. There was a record. There was a record. There was a record. Because I bought sabotage there. I remember I saw it in the window. I'm like, hey, dog, is that the last one? He goes, yeah, we'll give it to you. If it's work from the sun, bring it back. I'm like, ah, fuck it. I'll never forget that. I walked home with that hat on. All those corners were hot when we were growing up. But that Wing Fong was where you went in and dined and dashed. That's where you worked your fucking, if you were good, you fucked with the Wing Fong. Because they had been, everybody dined and dashed. The Robert Fulton kids had been fucking killing them for years. That's how you're hurt. You couldn't wait to get to high school to rob the Wing Fong, to go in there and eat and dine and dash. That's when you got respected in North Bergen. You dine and dash in the Wing Fong. Come on, man. Yeah. You know, they go crazy. So, but I remember going in there and dining and dashing. Scary. As fuck. And then fucking your uncle. He went and dined and dashed from Willie U's Shanghai Palace. And the dude chased him from Willie U's Shanghai Palace to the Fairview border by White Castle. Oh, shit. The guy would have caught him if it wasn't for Hudson County Park. There was like three of them. That dude was on him. Him and two other Chinamen. They were on him, Jack. With the knives and everything. One of them had one of those rickshaws. No, they didn't even have a rickshaw. They were serious. And I remember Mike, I didn't see him for a week. He got food poisoning from that whole run. Bro, you can't eat and run a mile and a half with your heart beating at the size of a drum because there's fear involved. This Chinese dude's got a fucking knife in his hand. Holy shit. No, all right. And, bro, he got sick. He lost like 18 pounds over the weekend and shit. That was popular. At that age. People always trying to, but the Wing Fong was where you developed. Me, I didn't take my skills through Wing Fong. I took mine through the Mai Kai, okay? The Mai Kai was where I was. professionals dine and dash on Kennedy Boulevard in front of the cemetery. What about Chinese restaurants? Why is it all Chinese places? Because I don't know. It's not that I'm a racist robber. No, I don't think you're against the Chinese robbers. No, you love Chinese food. I'll rob an Arabian place if you let me. If you let me. When you're hungry, you don't give a fuck what you're going to rob. It's their problem. You sell falafels, I'm in. A dollar off falafel, I saw 30 people walking in and out. Lynn's Garden on 70th, freshman year. We all went in there. There was kids throwing chicken wings in their baseball bags and running out. 70th and Kennedy. It was called Lynn's Garden when I was a kid. A Chinese place. None of them survived. You guys kept robbing them. Then there was one on the corner, the same side as Veneery, right by the projects. An amount of projects. You drive behind the windows with fucking fog. Yeah, man, they're still dirty. You couldn't see a motherfucker in there. George and I got food from there one night. Fucking crazy, man. Yeah, man. Northbury is a trip, man. I miss hanging out. Driving up here, it was nice to drive around a little bit. I got around traffic, so I hit some of the avenues. Ain't nobody out. Yeah. Oh, it's dead. Every once in a while, you see a person on the corner crossing the street. Yeah. That's it. It's dead. It's fucking. I sit there some nights at that light, you know, by the hashways. I'm going to hit that street to get me to the fucking park. Yeah. To get here. And I sit there in awe, guys. I sit there just like. Because you hear about things changing. But when you see them change in front of your eyes, it's two different things. It breaks my heart that that's Kennedy Boulevard at what? Five o'clock? That's what you're trying to tell me? That's Kennedy Boulevard. Five o'clock, everybody was coming home from practice. Yep. So there was 20 fucking kids. Remember, you practiced at Horace Mann. Mm-hmm. You practiced at Lincoln, wherever. You know, we were running out of room for all these fucking teams they had and all this shit. People used to get hit in the street a lot. How many people were in the street all around? I'm not going to lie to you and say I saw it. But I was at hashways at night when they came in and said, the street is closed. Some guy got off the bus. And he got hit on a Kennedy Boulevard. And they dragged him to the 70. And there was blood in the gut, like, you know, on the street. Like, you could see the red going down the side of the fucking street there. That area, just think of fucking where Nick's is, pizza. That was a hang. Yeah. Every night, there was 40. And at midnight, there was 140 people out there in a circle. In front of Corky's, Nick's. Yeah. It's a hot spot. And you drive by. I leave here sometimes. I hit Kennedy Boulevard. And I'm like, what the fuck happened? Well, but, like, you didn't have TV and video games. And I think that's why people are home. Like, I don't know. I wasn't alive. Well, Loughbergen also has a curfew, right, at 10 o'clock. What? And they got cameras on every fucking street. Oh, shit. If you're on the corner for three minutes, if I'm just talking to you about a book, a cop will pull up after 10 minutes and go, what are you guys doing? Break it up here. They got cameras in that town. They watching. Oh, yeah, we did. Yeah. Underage, yeah. I remember. That's what they tell you for the safety of the kids. But it ain't for that. Yeah. If somebody steals, they want in. Listen, I saw you stole a box from behind the factory. I don't know what was in it. Yeah. We don't care. We just want a little taste of what's ours. There used to be a guy that wasn't even a cop. They used to drive around curfew time. My boys are chilling on the bench. I feel like 15 goes, hey, you speak. Get out. They said, fuck you. We threw snowballs at him. Shut the fuck up. He drove away. I'm going to get the play. I got him. We all went home after he wasn't even a guy. Just drive around. We're looking for kids to fucking bother. What the fuck is wrong with this guy? Leave us alone. Leave us alone, you creep. He was a baseball coach, too. I remember I got, I ended up on a team with him and I had my hat backwards. He fucking, you put your hat forward. It's like a fucking ball place. Oh, my God. I miss it, man. Because it was like, like, like hanging out with the rocks of 64th Street. That was my, that was my spot, bro. It's not freaking roll. I learned how to roll a blunt there. Like 14, 15. It's funny, like, when you first go to a program with your wife, she was your girlfriend. You're like, that's where I learned to roll a blunt. Oh, you see right there? My friend fucked a chick in the ass right in that alleyway. Doing business out. And people are like, what are you fucking talking about? Like, every time I drive up here, I just look at corners. I'm like, what the fuck did we do on that corner one night? Holy shit. Bro, there's plenty of streets I can look at and be like, ah, yeah, that was a good time there. Because all we did was walk. Nobody had a car when we were kids. In North Bergen, you walk. Yeah, walk the hills. Everybody had good calves. I believe that my heart's still alive because of the hills. I believe that. Oh, my goodness. I'm telling you that right now. I believe that those basic years, going up that hill for, as I look at it now, when I looked at it then, I was like, this sucks. And my mom didn't drive. She just refused to drive. So, I hooked that fucking hill. And I came from McKinley, so you got to hook the cemetery hill, and then you got to hook the project hill. And in the summer, you want it cheeky, you got to walk. You want to go, oh, you want to go to Carvel? You got to walk up there. So, we would walk that hill. You know, now I look at that hill and I'm like, that's two days. Never. It would take me two days to walk that hill today. I would have to pitch a tent on the top where they're burnt down, riding on the territory there. I would have to pitch a tent there. Somebody would have to bring me breakfast, and I'd do the project thing. And I can't guarantee you I'd make it up the project hill. No fucking way. When I see those hills now, that 46th Street hill, all those Quinteros corner there, when you shot up that hill, go down there now, pull over, and just look at the fucking hill. Go like this, and you go, holy shit, you really want to talk about hills? How about the motherfucker that would walk down to Tunley Liquors and walk back up behind the high school with a six-pack? A pack of fucking nips. Those fucking cases were like this. I look at that every fucking Monday, and I go, wow. Because that hill is a hill. Then it gives you a little like 10 feet, and then it really takes you to the top. And now you're going to pass that old school bodega, and now you're all the way to the Kennedy Boulevard, and it's still like, you think you're on Indiana Jones. I know it. Because I see people walking it, and I'm like, dog, beep, beep. Bad motherfucker. If you want to abandon ship and leave those kids, get in the car. I'll give you a ride. That's a long hill. And all those kids I grew up with would walk down there. I don't drink. But I would see those motherfuckers walking down to Tunley Avenue and then walking up that hill with a case of nips. Not a case of beer. A case of fucking nips with a bottle on top of it. And I would go, wow. The dedication it takes for that. Why not just stop at the bodega? Do you have to go to the liquor store? I remember in the summertime, we'd take stops walking those hills. If we had to carry those boxes, like boxes of beers out, take a break, go to the bodega. Like five of us, everybody had a box. But even Lee, when I lived on Gibbonat, Cyrus, the bodega, it was a killer. It was a Chinese bodega, dragging groceries. Somebody just wrote a big fucking thing about it. Cuban Chinese, the daughter was smoking. Father was strict. But on Sundays, he made Chinese food. Fried rice. It's the pork that's red on the corners, sliced clean. Bro, the meat was clean, Bobby. Me and my mother would send me up there, get two containers of the pork and get a container of pork fried rice. Dog, I remember one night I ate a Quail Loot. Fucking January of 19. 80. That's when North Bergen used to celebrate the party on the island, the Island of Insanity Party. It was always the first three weeks of January. They would pick the coldest Friday night, and they would roll a keg in the middle of Hudson County Park, the island in the middle. In the lake? In the fucking lake. Get the fuck out of here. Well, how? The class of 78, those kids were fucking nuts. The high school, 78. All the way to like 81, those kids were out of it. But especially that little group there, the ones that won the state with your grandfather, they did not. They invited me to a party one time when they were drinking a punch, and I'm like, why is there bees in there? They would put dead bees, bees that were alive. This is a different crew of guys. And you go to these parties and go, what the fuck are these guys doing? But that was the coldest point. That's one of the nights that I didn't run out of the wing because we started over there. Dog, it was brutal. And I would drink the fucking, you know, water, and I would drink anything so not to freeze on the island. You last on the island for an hour. Your ears were like fucking potato chips. Yeah. Now you got to walk across the ice on a Quaalude. When that Quaalude started hitting me, it was me, Joe Folk, and Lubes, and we fucking walked across, and it was so cold. We go, let's just go to the Wing Fong. And they were talking about dining in Dash. And I'm like, I'm not dining in Dash. And fucking Folk fell asleep in the pork fried rice. And he had a big nose, so the rice was going in his dog. And I blacked out after that. And all I remember is waking up, like twisted, and all I had was a T-shirt underneath and a blue hooded sweatshirt. You know, in the 80s, they weren't like comfort and copper, so you resist. No, it was just a sweatshirt. I broke up all fucking tangled up. And the Dragon Grocery had an apartment building next to it. You know, like, it was just a bodega, and it was a three-story, Jill Gillab, lived upstairs. She was a Jewish girl. It was hot. I knew a couple of people. We went to Jill Gutman, another girl that I still remember, lived in that building. So they got interesting stories about that Chinese restaurant. It was a bodega, but on the weekends, he cooked. Dang it. All that to get to the fucking point. Damn, that's another thing I miss, bro. It's like good Chinese food, like good Spanish food. Like, I can't. It doesn't, like, compare it to my mom's cooking and, like, eating out where we're from. Like, especially West New York and places like that, Union City, Cuban food, bro. I miss that shit. I was like, it's everything. There's everything about it, bro. Not to get you off food. No. How ideal. Like, when I was a young comic, well, I was already 30, but you, at one point of comedian, you realize, listen, life's not going to work for me anymore, you know? What was regular life? The day job, that's a good thought, and you hold on to it close to your heart. But if you're really going out to do comedy and learn, it's not that show, it's the fucking hang. Because you just want to pick up little tidbits. Of guys that have been doing it longer than you. Maybe afterward, they go to Taco Bell. Who the fuck knows? They stand in a corner. And then I would go home and do Coke. Well, and I did comedy. I wasn't really focused on cocaine. But I would get back to my apartment in Boulder and I would write jokes late at night. Push it 20 years ahead. So now, I could get home, eat a snack, drink a Red Bull, and play video games and make money with a bunch of other schmucks. Not much. But get better at it till six. That's what Rogan used to do. He would play that game till six or seven in the morning and sleep all day. It was fucking insane. When I first met him, I didn't know what he was talking about. He would say, I go home and play or something. I mean, you know like when you don't know what somebody's saying, but you go, yeah, okay. And then somebody told me, no. And then one day, he gave me the computer. And it was a fucking car engine. It was a fucking battery. You remember that one? It used to get hotly. No, I don't think I was there. I wasn't there for that. I came in and you had the laptop. But I remember Rogan, at least on the podcast, he talked about playing Doom on the PC. Oh, okay. Doom, all right. And those guys used to play. And again, I would sit there going, I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to eat breakfast. These guys are going home to play fucking video games. But now looking at it from a different perspective, I'm sorry, Lee. It's you go home at night and fucking you can do that. Yeah. And write jokes at the same fucking time because there must be some creepy people. Up at night. Yeah. Oh, I'm playing online is I'm sure you can have tons of material. Oh, no, it's it's so much fun. Like the guys that are in my chat are fucking animals. They say the most crazy shit in there. So it's like, it's fun. I get to talk about it with them. You have a group that you've been doing it with forever. No, I have. I have a couple of guys that have been watching my stream from the get and like, no, they pop in once in a while and stuff like that. I mean, like, do you play with like high school guys or like. Oh, no, I only play with comedians like my buddies, like, like, like a whole bunch of dudes. I play like this game. I want to introduce you to. It's called Ark Raiders. So it's basically it's like post apocalyptic. The world's ended, but you're going up, up, up to collect supplies to keep living. But other dudes can kill you. But this is the fun part. You could you could toggle a thing to put the mic so everybody can hear you. So why? Why? You're about to kill somebody. You could talk shit to them or after they kill you or or they're dead. They could talk shit back and forth. I think it'd be a trip. It'd be fucking crazy. But besides the fact, yeah, man. No, it's that I have a group of friends, like a bunch of comedians. I play with the cool guys. I enjoy it. Like, I'd like to play like two to three nights a week. Right. Maybe three hours, maybe two hours in the afternoon. And we come back when it gets dark. I love all that shit. Right. I don't think I sit there all day. I just can't. No. My inner self would fucking kick me, especially at night when you're like, I could be doing comedy. What's that? That bell comes into your head. That's tough. Now it's 715. It's 715, 730. You could still make the nine o'clock spot in the city. Nah. Like, yeah, but I'm going to hit traffic. Then you look at your ways and it's an hour 22 and you're like, fuck it. Yeah. And that's what I don't, like, that's when I would start to trip. That's why I don't go upstairs. Like for that, if I know I have a gig or something like that and I know I'll fucking, I'll stay home and I'll play video games, I just won't go upstairs. I have to, once I get back from Austin and all that shit, we got to turn my office into like a little. I'll help you out. Because I can't keep doing the living room because they hear it upstairs. Yeah. And they hear me saying all that nonsense and they got to come downstairs and say goodnight. And I feel like I did something wrong. 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That's the only place I got to go. I can't sit at a restaurant again at night and get fat drinking the fucking martinis. And I can't. Well, what am I going to do? Barnes & Noble closes at 7. I saw they had Barnes & Noble little tables there. They took the Starbucks out in Freehold, but they kept the tables there. And now you can sit, get a magazine, look at it. Oh, that's nice. I like that type of shit, you know? Yeah. I'll sit at. I'll sit at. Marlboro, Manala, Pennsylvania. dina with a notebook that's my world at night fridays and saturdays they're open till two after like 11 30 12 you gotta leave because the banana crew comes in yeah with alcohol in their system yeah yeah but i like all that shit but then again that is just open because first of all i play those fucking games with these guys and the crew is pedro lee and carly lee's been busy lately you know but the crew is carly me and you and we're starting to know like that bitch is trying to bust out horns now and fucking when i heard that what is that called like she has one she's got every gadget in the fucking world she has a voice changer she caught me off guard we're just playing with chocolate yeah yeah she was like hey pedro i was like ah yeah i fucking jumped i was like who's that that's what she does with it hilarious she's got every fucking guy imaginable like i see her stream it's it's she's got like three phones yeah like charges everywhere she switches the phone she's taping with one i'm like what the fuck she's got she's got a light that you put in the on the glass at the hotel and shit that's professional yeah like she's got lights in her house she's got lights that you put on the fucking it's amazing how many fucking gadgets but that's why when you see her in red band that's it they're not going to talk to you the rest of the day when her and red band get together i end up leaving because they talk about gadgets and red band's got the dates the time oh august 8th yeah whatever you're like what the fuck how does he know all these releases that's his world he lives for gadgets i ain't mad at him i don't know dick about dick you know what i'm saying i know people always send me shit that's not true but i'm not saying that they want to send me right i'm like what i'm gonna do with a razor with eight heads that cleans your fucking you know because all i see is the more shit that's on it the more possibility of breaking you follow me if you keep it simple we come from the old school an eight track came with the eight track the cassette and the album everything was beautiful until the cassette deck broke now you're like a schmuck you got the eight track and the album but the cassette deck and sometimes once the cassette deck broke the whole system went down so i could that's why whenever i bought stereos i would buy pieces because i didn't want it was just old shit from the 70s and 80s that we carried around it's fucking crazy would you want a soundboard on your on your on your setup dog if you gave me a soundboard i get you one it would be i bet no no we'll set it all up and we'll see how everything is but a little baby soundboard that i can make little noises and shit dog that's the last thing you want me to have because i hired some chinese kid i know becky's got a cousin that these chinese people could tap into your dreams can you imagine i tap into lee's dreams and just hit him with the soundboard all night and shit i'll live for that that's my game i'll put it on twitch we'll sneak an fbi camera into lee's apartment and we'll just watch lee at night when i start blaring you told me you were gonna do that like have like when you get me a hotel room you're gonna put speakers in my room yeah and start fucking with me i'm just i'm just picturing lee in night vision it's too bright in the fucking night vision goggles oh my god well man i appreciate all the help you give me because of course man you schooled me on that you know it's difficult for me because i get lost and i just lose interest well i'll tell you what man you got a screen blacks out and shit i start getting pissed the fuck off but lately i got good patience because i know the flip side is me giggling my ass off because there's nothing i love more than running over people on that show forget the heist forget do you even do missions you just run people oh we're doing missions now we're doing missions oh yeah we're passing them there's times i'm driving i'll see a guy walking ask him last night i reversed it ran over he missed him and he had to reverse to go get him again in the middle of a highway he's like hold on i gotta get this guy when you kill someone gta is so great yeah but also on the sidewalk when you miss them yeah and they yell shit at you yeah yeah yeah what are you doing you're fucking jerk and you're like a fucking jerk i'm gonna back this fucking car up now for sure i feel like you're driving gta how you wish you could actually drive i don't know if you've been in the car with me which you have of course it's pretty close to it minus the murder like you get close to it but i mean you're driving pretty good now bro you're killing it because that's how i drive in real life guys i love all that shit you're gonna give me if you're gonna give me a little gap i'm gonna try to get in there with this car that's why i love the eight cylinder because that motherfucker cuts me right through like like a hot knife on butter you know i'm saying it just slices through the road but you fucking get out of the way you motherfucker i wish i could fuck i wish i had great eyes i'd try to get like an escalade the big one to take over your city one but i can't see that is that why your car always has bumps like your car's in the shop every fucking you get it back and you have it for like a week have you have you done the math on how huh yeah yeah but again i didn't crack it the force of god made the wind the wind carry the softball and hit my glass it's a bill from it's a big bill that's it the universe wants a little taste every once in a while yeah that taste was 2500 for that fucking way that's how much the windshield cost huh yeah how much a windshield cost yeah fuck that i'm waiting to see what insurance is going to do i'm waiting to see what insurance is going to do i'm waiting to see and then your insurance will go up and then they'll go up so it's a lose-lose situation but that's why you got to play games to make every dollar you can they leave on the table exactly because jesus christ like we discussed last week i was thinking about this fucking fifa fucking bullshit that came to jersey bro they'll never come back here again please don't think so look there was there was listen it was kind of like a disaster and it was like these people that came got treated like shit having to run over the three root three like animals and fucking look how much money it made everybody oh my god and they didn't they got treated then you have to go in there and buy a water i just came from fucking 10 bucks for a fucking water you know how many waters you're gonna drink during a game hello so you know it's like again it's like doing something and then feeling bad when you look at your v when those people get their bills they're gonna shit their pants yeah they slept in fucking hotels and seacockers howard johnson's and shit yeah dude bro there was bed bugs there 20 years ago i left them yeah that's what i'm saying you know oh my god those are 200 rooms yeah and they're 4 000 for that week in north bergen there's people in tents oh because they rented their house out they don't give a fuck those animals in north bergen but think about it knock on your door they'll give you 25 grand that's more money you've bought the house you'll take it do what you want you want my wife she'll stay and cook whatever you need take her please he's a little big but everybody's gotta work with something you know so what about fifa excuse me you were i'm high but you were gonna say something about fifa well no no i'm not mad at fifa i don't even know who fifa is i'm just saying fifa because half these people got treated like fucking animals the train ride was really a hundred dollars though yeah and guess what yeah and nobody took the train where's that train leaving because then they tried to fucking talk about oh you were fucking charging a hundred dollars to go to the fucking metal lands how much is that ticket usually 10 bucks 250 dollars yeah oh i'm sorry dog you're confusing me yeah you know i mean it was just again they make you feel shitty about something good you tried to show your kids to represent brazil or whatever third in the world nation they're from you know a bunch of corn eaters i think we're the corn eaters oh my god corn eater is good for a lot of things how much fun it would be to be like a seven eight year comic you know like lee you can't doubt what discussion we had before about austin you saw it you saw the focus of the comedy down there you went the night with some tacos that didn't cost you much they didn't set you back you know i mean it's it's a really good comedian lifestyle you're not going to try that pizza on six three you'll shit blood till you get back to fucking brooklyn you're not going to eat none of that shit so it's a very i like that i like that you go go to the vulcan and then walk down i've never been to the vulcan it was nice because my creeped i'd rather stay there where i'm safe if i talk to somebody they're a comedian i don't know these clubs well yeah every comic who's on that street would rather be like yeah and i had a great time with the vulcan but that's like saying would you rather be at the comedy cellar or the grizzly pear like it's yeah you know just it's the top club in the city at home there yeah it kind of reminds me of the comedy store of course you know i could sit in the green room or sit downstairs talk to the people i kind of like it to be honest and you know me when i got a cock i don't want to talk to nobody i kind of like it because like i said after this podcast what do i do i talk to you guys for 20 minutes i get my car and i go right back to batman you know how batman lives in that seated area with woods and he drives into a cave i'm very grateful that i have it but now i'm not going to talk to anybody till tomorrow when i decide what i'm going to do and there's no ubers there's no not as like it's three blocks of you just have to make it through the homeless people because they they that is worse than new york but it was it it's it's too it's a lot it's it's and i did a across the street from the mothership i did they have a bar called maggie maze or something so i did that nice and there's one two doors down from the mothership that's upstairs you know page how many spots did you do in seven days dude i didn't even count i know i did like about 14 and that's what i was saying to you it's basically a comedy camp yeah you know and yeah i could do okay let's talk about numbers here the the confusion i have with stand-up comedy is that i know lee how many people you have last night for the late show on sunday sunday and we had like 25 okay i know that you have to do sets consistently for a while okay yeah me doing a set at the rbr lounge which i love and then going to the dojo the next day that does something that keeps me active but it's not going to take me over that home so i'm going to do a set at the rbr lounge but i start every fucking other week and it kind of gets old but now i got to go up there and tell you i don't remember my material because i look at the notebook and none of those jokes i said at the dojo were even on there so it's a complete if i got on stage a couple nights in a row i build that muscle memory back guys yeah it's a lot easier i'm talking here from the heart again if i go to new york i gotta stop because i'll do it like a white dude i can't i can't i don't have the time to drive my car park and walk around my knees fucked up we might get chased israel you know who knows what's gonna happen right but in reality i just take the ferry over my spots are not gonna be late i don't want to do late spots i'm too old to be out there late but i'll start at seven if i could do three spots and go home i'm good but then again you just dampened me for three hours on the travel right there's always gonna be an excuse not to do it so now i'd rather take a three-hour flight down there do six or seven sets and a three-hour flight because in my mind i'm even saving on ass time yeah i'm saving on ass time so it's kind of like that's what i'm looking at i'd rather do listen i'm not going to do the weekends anymore it's really hard for me to do a friday and saturday and justify especially in my household you know for years i was out on fridays and saturdays they want to see me around some nights terry goes out and i got fucking mercy but i'll tell you what i could always do tuesday wednesday thursday with no fucking problems those are my nights but when do i do three nights in a row in front of three quality audiences new jersey have you done three nights in a row since you've been back two nights yeah and then i'll do two shows the next week two nights but it's all like i got like that's the most headlining i've ever done the last week from wednesday to sunday i headlined at least one show friday and saturday did two by the end of it my 40 like i was doing the same 45 but i probably added like 10 minutes like it just just from doing it over and over again comedy camp and it's condensed and guess what if you don't drink you don't drink you don't drink you don't really you know you go back to your room at 11 30 12 1 yeah keep the pad out why go to sleep take that notebook out see if you could joint anything it's not going to be gold but maybe you said something at a club maybe you threw away a lot now it becomes comedy camp you wake up in the morning you wash your pussy you go downstairs you get a coffee a bay net whatever the fuck you want to eat for breakfast a cup of greek yogurt and you grab a notebook you call your agent whatever the fuck you want to eat for breakfast a cup of greek yogurt and you grab a notebook you call your agent whatever the fuck you want to eat for breakfast a cup of greek yogurt and you grab a book a podcast guest or whatever but you're more focused on stand-up i don't have to take mercy to strength and conditioning and then go to the ear doctor and then go do this it's just four days that i'm focused on fucking comedy guys anywhere i wake up i always get coffee go outside you gotta start your day with the sun if it's raining right under a fucking ledge you smoke a fucking number go back upstairs they got the fucking greek yogurt thing right at the hotel my favorite one so i'm good i could go downstairs get a coffee and on the way up get a greek yogurt and a freshly squeezed orange juice i'm good till i go out at lunch i could sit there for two hours and just write i can't do that at all and does the club record for you they do what they want but i'm never gonna watch it anyway you would never watch it no even when you're writing okay no i don't see side angles on me i don't see nothing if i could do stand-up in the dark i would you could but it's the truth this is yeah the only way this is gonna work for me can i live in that environment for a month i don't have it i don't have it but i got a week for you i got a week i got four or five days before i start missing my family when i was doing stand-up i'd leave three days that's enough now you're asking me to stay in the dark i don't have it i don't have it i don't have it i don't have it four or five we got to work to that level because i get the itchies i gotta go that's it i did what i came to do i was here for two nights i did five spots i got blood drawn and i went to us get a steak with my friends that's more than i'm gonna do in three weeks where i live right and i mean i and i know you don't do it for the money but you can make enough money to cover your plane tickets well what no what i'm gonna do is well right now this has all been an investment you gotta invest in shit you gotta go down there and look around you know i don't know what's going on i don't know what the fuck is going on in fact it took me how long have they been down there few years it took them five years to finally it took them about three and a half years when we did the paramount that's when i started going there's something here there's something here i can't figure out how i could do it but there is something here you cannot deny that yeah but i don't want to be part of rogan you got 19 clubs besides tons of comedy without rogan so if you want to fucking get down yeah down to the ground cocaine the point of this is you're doing spots at night and getting on stage that's the point of this i'm far behind partying or hanging out in the blue room whatever the green room afterwards we gotta go we're i would love to go to two open mics with no pressure for how long was i not going to the fourth wall with you how many spots did i have after that i've gone to the main room after the fourth wall but it cost me five bucks to do five minutes just to warm it up just to warm it up how much better you felt if you could do three minutes in front of like a warm-up room and then go on stage and do 20 or an hour yeah you warmed up i used to do that when i first started if i had a show i had to do an open mic first me too i feel better yep i feel a lot fucking better i do that when i first started too and you'll i mean and you're doing i'm not saying you're not doing good now but if you when you are in austin for however long if you do that a week a month for three months you come back and do a show you'll see the difference i come back with five new minutes yeah come back with more than five minutes okay but let's just start with five five minutes and then thursdays i do joey diaz and friends at eight o'clock at night once a month and that's my rent and the plane ticket and that's it i break out even you know but i'll figure it out by the time i get to the next time there's something else going on and there's something else going on all i'm trying to kill is 18 months that's my new goal you've been killing 18 months for 10 years i'm going on probation and in the 18 months i go to parole and i got an option you know what i'm saying nobody's saying i'm gonna quit i just want you to understand what i'm doing i got an 18 month window and i'm trying to do something you follow me what are you trying to do details are coming soon Okay. No, I'm not. Listen, this shit is changing, guys. This game is not what it used to be 20 years ago or 10 years ago. It's fucking changing. So we got to figure something else out. We got to figure what's the next move. Speaking of that, did you see what Shane Gillis did this weekend? Yes, I did. That was pretty fucking impressive, dude. It's pretty cool, man. I'm done. It's impressive as fuck. Fuck yeah, man. And, like, the people he had opening for, he had music acts during it. He brought another comic on stage. It was so, like, and I was really happy with people. I've never had that many people come out just for me. But I was like, wow, I have 45, and I'm thrilled. And he set the record. What is it? 77,000. 77,000 tickets? Yep. And it was just, I don't know. And then someone posted, I saw someone posted, like, a show he was doing seven years ago. At, like, a VFW. And I was like, oh, shit. Or a bowling alley, whatever it was. And I'm like, wow, he sold out where the Eagles play. And this is the things that keep you alive. Right. They're not supposed to induce hate. Fuck Shane Gillis. You know, Trump, fuck Trump. What are you talking about? All right. The guy just did something. Pay attention, you fucking hump. That's the direction it might be going. You know how they do Lollapalooza? What's that shit they do in the Coachella? Mm-hmm. Three days? Yo, I could see them doing a comedy rap two-day event. Two-day. Finish out with, like, two great rappers at the end of the night. I could see that come. And they'll get those numbers every 90 days. If you build it, they'll come. That's how we were raised in the United States of America. So watch what I just told you here. This is getting people thinking right now. This is a different level of. You mean to tell me we can get 77,000 people out? But the summer's slow. Yeah. Last week, we had the Daytona 500. But this is what I want people to see. I'm really proud of Shane Gillis, especially after he got canceled. Mm-hmm. And they had to eat shit and bring him back to show the American public. Knock it off with your bullshit. Knock it off. This is going back. Again, I'm not one of those humps. But this is why all those white dudes wore wigs and signed papers, you know, 1776. So you could say what the fuck you want to say. What the fuck are you to condemn me? Or, oh, he's going to offend somebody. He ain't going to offend nobody. If they have a life, that's forgotten the next day. That's forgotten the next day. Okay. But, you know, cream always rises to the top. So we were talking about motivation, you know. Last week, we were talking about money. Like, when you find out what people are making, you're like, what the fuck am I doing wrong? I'm making a living doing a YouTube super chat, playing a violin with a magician named Whoa Whoa. Whatever the fuck that name's off. The same thing, guys. This is going somewhere. The specials aren't working no more. Okay? So how did this music thing change? Because they don't want to buy albums no more. These kids, now they'll pay $800 to see three comics with a rapper and a DJ sponsored by Red Bull or whoever the fuck it is. You get a hotel in the area, and you sign up for two days, and at the end of two days, you're going to do something big. Who knows? But this is where it's going. Yeah. So, me? Give me 200 seats. And I'm pretty fucking happy. Dude, if I sold 200 seats, I would come in my pants. At one show, for me, dude, just that is like the Eagles Stadium for me. To have a sold-out comedy club, like an actual comedy, like a big improv comedy room, and that's not even 200. You know what you feel like when you get on the plane for the first time? At least, like the first six months you're building. After the first year I was on the road with Justin, it was getting to the point where you get on a plane Sunday, you sit down, you put your luggage away. And all of a sudden, they're like, oh, soda, water, no, no, no, no, nothing. You put your earphones on, and you're like, what the fuck just happened? And you think about every fucking room you did with eight people. And every room you did with 30 people. And every room you did with 20 people. And all the empty promises. Do this show. Howard Stern's coming. And then you get there, and they're like, well, we talked about it on Stern. We told the assistant to mention it. And you're like, enough, enough. After all that shit. And here you are on a plane. It's Sunday morning. It's 6 a.m. And you just sold out five comedy shows in anybody's club. Helium, The Improv, Baltimore. What's the name of the club? The Goobies. Great club. Any of these clubs, you have to tap yourself on the back. Especially if you came from that. Especially if you weren't a YouTube sensation. Or you weren't. Like, you fucking put in the sweat. You went on the road with two guys for a year and a half. And then broke out and did your own thing. You know. What about when you go to a town and sell out Saturday late? And you go back to the elevator room. You just jerk off all over yourself. And wipe it on your face like a fucking gorilla. Oh, my God. And you're like, oh, my God. Yeah. Like, I said, dog. It was the first time I ever sold out a room. It was the weirdest fucking show ever. It was December 26th. Maybe 2006. 2007. At the Houston Improv. The Houston. Lab stop. I built it up from a feature there. And then the guy liked me, so I just kept going back. I would take whatever he had. And then he goes, Joey, just start headlining on off weekends. And I started headlining in there. And just from that, from building. And now listen. Everybody knows that on a Saturday late show at this club, they were going to get 200 people for a penguin. The club was that good. And it had built such a reputation in that town. But just fucking when he told me, Joey, you sold out the second show Saturday. I'm like, dog, I can't even sell out the OR. You're telling me I sold out. And I had like 200 people for the early show. Nice. It's a build. Right. You know? It's a really interesting build. And then you see how your agents cut those deals for those. Last time you sold out two shows. All right, we're going to give you a $500 bonus for both shows on Saturday and both shows on Friday if you sell them out. And now you have to pick a show every night and go, I'm going to focus on that. Hopefully they'll go to the second one if the first one is sold out. And then you figure out. You figure out. And for some reason, you're not a Saturday early guy. I was never a Saturday early guy. Really? I couldn't sell a ticket at 7 o'clock at night. Wow. But I also had a hooscoos going on with me that I bombed the first show. You saw me bombing San Francisco. A couple times. The early show, Saturday, it got into me years ago. Because they're more, you know, they have babysitters at home. They went to dinner. Mom is watching the children. The second show, they were Daley's mommy, you know. She's dancing at the club till 11. So your kid's hanging out with grandma. And they saw Crack in the Basement. You know, those are the people you get for the second show. Right. People are just animals. They've been drinking since six. Yeah. Oh, the best. It's so funny. I do the opposite. Early show loves me. And then when the young and the crazy people come out, sometimes it's harder for me. Dude, I've never drank on stage. There's a Friday night late show. I did two shots of tequila. Oh, wow. I don't know. I've never done that on stage. How'd you feel? A little bit. Right now, you're trying to build a hook on stage. You're there. You just got to build the hook and build some credits and shit will start moving for you. But all this takes time. You know, I wish it was just, sometimes it happens because you planned it. That feels good. But I got to be honest with you. Sometimes it happens by accident. George went to drop off a thing and the guy started talking to him. Well, I got 200 fucking painting rooms that need a fucking picture. Jet just hit a millionaire. That happens too. So, you got to work both angles. You got to expect this is going to happen, but this ain't going to happen unless this happens. You follow me? What are we talking about? Tickets or some shit? Selling tickets. Building it is what you're- Building it. Building it. Right now, you're just going down the road. So, I mean, I don't want you to go on stage with a cocktail. No. I don't want you to go on stage and ask questions no more. Mm-mm. How are you guys doing tonight? No, I want you to power into your material. But at the same time, at the eight or nine minute mark, okay, you've got to say to yourself, you're rocking right now. You're on a good little tear. You've got some laughs. And the waitress is walking by. You pull her aside. Don't even pull her aside. Excuse me, miss. On your pocket, on stage. You give me a shot of tequila and watch people go, put the money away. We'll send you one. Once you do two or three shots with them, that's it. You own them. That's how you build that market, okay? Okay. Because you can't go out there with a joint. No. Right, yeah. It's like talking to them, you know, whatever. That's part of building a market. They want to go down there, but your set's going to change. Yeah. Okay? You're not going to be 45-minute Lee. You're going to be Q&A Lee, go back to your material. They give you an idea, and you're going to find shit out about yourself. Oh, yeah. You're going to go back to your room. You're going to go, I didn't even do none of these jokes. I know. You didn't need to. The night dictated itself. Woo! I don't have to do that material tonight. You're like, Jesus, I couldn't do that joke about fucking, fucking dick again. This is what happens. It's really interesting. Like what you said, Deanna, and I went up, didn't even do material. I was just turning out fires. That's a complete other muscle. Yeah, that was new to me. That L.A. comics don't have. If I moved to L.A. Oh, I'm sorry. If I moved to New York, and I just become a comic, yeah, you'll do Sabatoga Springs and all those little hell holes around New York City. But think about it. That's the backbone. It's those Friday night late shows where I got my late night set I'm preparing tonight. Fuck you. You're in Kentucky. You ain't preparing your late night show. Are you retarded? You're at Zaney's in Chicago. You know, you're at these places. Not Zaney's. Zaney's. Zaney's is a great club. You're at a club where they're going to disrupt your shit. Like I told you, I used to work at a club in Idaho where they decided to send you prairie farts on stage. And you had a choice. You didn't have a choice. Okay. You either drank the cherry, the prairie fart, or they just chiseled you for 30 minutes. Like Bill Burstow in Philadelphia. That's what I said on stage. This was like the university where Drew Bledsoe went to school. out there in Idaho. This was, I forget what the name of this club was. It was booked by John Fox. It was the first club he ever booked me. I got there on a Saturday. He gave me the Friday night there. I was like, holy shit. I left there drunk as fuck. A Prairie Fathers tequila with Tabasco sauce in it. Oh, yeah. Fuck you. And they would start sending you those things. That's just torture. One of the last times I did it, because it was Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday. No Thursday? So he would either give you Wednesday or Friday and Saturday. Gotcha. So you could tell him, like, let me get this Wednesday and give me this one. One of the last times I did it was a Wednesday. I think he paid $50 more. And the hotel was nice and shit, but I drank so many of those shots. I got back to my hotel room. The room was just fucking moving. I was doing coke back then, but I didn't even think about it. Not in this place. I know. It's a college town, dog. The room was just fucking. And I sat down for a while. I fucking wobbled to the hallway and got ice and tried to put it on my neck. Next thing you know, I started puking in that sink. When I got up the next morning, it was just Tabasco. It was just a leg of Tabasco on half-melted ice. Grandpa, wake up. He's in a trance. He sees himself fucking taking Hudson County. I did it. I did it. Oh, fuck, man. Oh, my God. What were we saying? We were talking about getting fucked up on stage. Yeah. That's, you know, that's. And I'm sorry. Because when you go to any part of Texas, Beaumont, one of those motherfuckers in front of you is going to come out with no material, but he's going to come out and go, oh, thank you for coming out tonight. How about, let's do a shot for the armed forces. Oh, my God. And right when they do that, when the crowd goes crazy. Yeah, they start shooting their guns off. He just set the tone. So I don't want you to walk up there with a shot like a fucking idiot. No. And try to fit in with the shot. In the middle of your set and what's going on, can I get two shots of tequila, please? And it's not for every set. Okay, because number two, you might be the funniest guy in the world, but if your customers ain't spending money, I ain't bringing your fucking sorry ass back. Right. They're going to give you their own AA meetings. Right. Yeah. And number two, those waitresses, there's going to be five of them. You're going to tip all five of them. Mm-hmm. Double of what you usually tip them, because who's going to bring you back? Staff. There's Lee coming back. He's so sweet. You know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Who gives a fuck? All that shit matters. But remember, at the end of this game, Lee was very funny, but every time he performs, there's five people. And they don't drink. They're fucking Mormons. Right. They ain't bringing you back. They got a guy that plays the clown. He's been on YouTube, and he's got 10 million followers. And that's the reality of the game today. Yeah. It's even more cold-blooded now. It's not that they don't care if you're funny, but it just really doesn't, all they want is you to sell tickets. And I get it. It's how they make their money. It's a business. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I'd love to tell you that if I opened up a comedy club, I'm going to make my money, a lot of money at the door. And I'm going to fucking rape them with the bar drinks. But you're not going to make no money at the door, because if you've got a comic, the agencies take that. You get 20% off the top of that shit. Yeah, you can finagle a couple of tickets, but they're going to throw you under the prison like Mencia. You can't be doing that shit. Did you see his excuse? His what? Yeah, he put out a, he was like interviewed on TV. He's like, I just didn't pay my, like it was like an excuse. He's like, listen, I didn't do anything bad. I just didn't pay my taxes for $10 million. Up to $10 million. That's a good, like, I don't know. Like, I didn't lie, I just didn't pay. Because he keeps talking that nonsense, they're going to put him away. Like they did me. Because he's talking that nonsense, everybody's watching that. The judges are watching that. The fucking DA is watching that. Everybody's watching that. And instead of him saying, listen, I had a bad fucking year. I had personal stuff going on in my life. I saw the bills, but I was negligent. And I'm willing to pay. I'm willing to pay whatever fine or whatever the state wants to do with me. Boom. He's out there with a fucking, a stupid fucking shirt on of Che Guevara or some fucking fake fucking cocksucker. And, you know, it's how you approach that right now. That's what they're watching. Especially with all the media. When I had no media, they're still watching. You go out at night and get, and I'm with Pedro and he starts a fight and the cops come. And they take my ID. Within three days, I got a call from my probation officer. They're going to violate me because I was there with Pedro. Right. They know shit already. So, it's kind of fucking weird. I don't know. I don't know nothing. How long have you been doing comedy in the four and a half, Pedro? Seven years. And you started right in North Perigan? I start, yeah. Well, no. My first open mic was in Garfield in a place called The Boiler Room. The stage was a pallet, a wooden pallet. There was a drunk Portuguese guy cursing people. He was cursing people out in the front. But he was good, bro. I've never been nervous like that in my life. Like, before that set. I've never been shaky or anything like that. Bro, I had a fucking computer paper ran down my jokes. I was shaking so much. People could hear the paper and the whole thing. Everybody was like looking. It was that noise. And it was me shaking there like that. But once I touched that, that's it, bro. So, it's going to be eight years in November now. It's November. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. I've been a comedy fan since I was nine years old, though. I've been watching Comedy Central, Premium Blend. Yeah. VH1 stand-up since I was, yeah. So, I was in front of the TV since I was a kid. That's what I did, bro. Friday nights, Comedy Central presents. I think it was Thursday. It was Premium Blend. And then Spike TV had stand-up. Wow. But I didn't know you could do that. I thought somebody like, hey, you. You want to go to a comedy school? I thought it was like that. So, I was like, ah, I can't do this shit until a chick I went to high school with. She hit me up. She was like, hey, people do comedy at this bar, which is the Boiler Room. I think you should try it out. And I went, man. It was fucking crazy. And I would look back. And the call from, what's her name? Natalie? Hmm? The girl that called you? Her name was Angie. She hit me up. From the time she called you to the time you got on stage, how long did it take? Three years. Hey, Joe, you beat my record by 18 months. Took me a year and a half to get on stage, finally. Bro. Pussified. I told you. You know, that's why when you get, like, stories from Becky, I joined the contest. And I went, like, what the fuck? You know what? It took me a year and a half of procrastinating, watching stand-up movies and shit. That's going to be me someday. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. yep that's right that was me snorting coke watching fucking the one with Tom Hanks and Angel Salazar and Sally Field. Yeah. Yeah. Every week. And I would get agitated when the movie ended and the coke ended. I would try to write these Godzilla jokes that would got off. Wow. Oh my God. My only premise was Godzilla and Chinese people and I like Godzilla. He used to step on garbage. And I look at this shit and go, I'm going to make it to the top someday. You know, you're such a retard. 18 months and I fucking feel terrible. I had a good day today because I just found that out. Somebody beat my record. Why did it take you three years? Because I was scared, man. I was scared as fuck. I was like, what are people going to think about me? Honestly, how many times did you get in the car to go? I did it three times. I did it three times and then I said, fuck it. I'll do it when I do it. And then I had this fucking argument with my boss at this time. Fucking, I wanted to fucking grab him by the fucking throat and I couldn't. And that drove me insane. So I was like, I got to figure this out. I don't, I've got to, like, maybe, maybe. I fucking, three years later, I fucking went. I said, fuck it. I swallowed my pride. I called Angie. I was like, they still doing that open mic? Yup. I fucking went right to it. I lied to the bartender trying to act cool because she was hot. I was like, yeah, I'm just here to you know, I do comedy in the city. I never did a fucking minute of comedy and I went on stage. I was like, yeah, I'm just here to, you know, I do comedy in the city. And I ate a bag. Well, I did okay. The second time was bad, but yeah. Oh, the second time was crickets because now they see that I'm trying. They thought it was a one-time thing, so I guess they laughed. But the second time, they're like, fuck this fucking guy. It's so crazy how I think of that time and I get sad. I really do get sad that little low I took of pussiness. And I would call every Tuesday. Hey, Joe Diaz, next week. Hi. That next Tuesday, they would call me. Hey, Joey, you got three minutes on Tuesday night. See you tonight. I'm like, oh, my heart would just stop. And then I'd start thinking about excuses. I'd start sweating. I'd purposely look for coke. It would ruin my day. It was horrid. I got in my car a few times and then, man, it was just calling and they called me and my wife overheard it at the time and she made me go. She goes, I got a babysitter. Yeah. I remember driving with her going, how do I tell her when I turn this car around? Like, how bad do I? But I knew that, like, I feel like crying now because I always knew that if I could just get on stage, something was going to happen. I just knew it. I just felt it. I was sick of fucking working. I was 32 and I was done with it. Like, you know, no, I was 28 and I was done with jobs and fucking like, I hated that whole thing. Like I said last week, I love to steal. And that was in South Coke. That's the only thing I was qualified for. I had already gone to prison. Now I'm a double loser. No high school diploma. Enough is enough, Joey. Go down there. And, bro, getting off that stage that night was just. And you go home and you can't sleep for two days. You're like, how am I going to fit this into my fucking world? I got a kid. I got no money. I'm making payments on fucking everything I own. Yeah, you know, it's scary. And also it's just. And it's funny because I got on stage and then I got on stage like three or four times. And then I was having problems at home. It was August. I was starting to feel the drama at home. We weren't getting along. But she encouraged the stand-up. And then I came to New York and I hung out with this chooch for ten days. And I just got fucked. Every night I was going to the city. Yeah, I'm going to go to the city tonight and kill them. I never even did stand-up. The only thing I came was to walk around New York. I never parked the car and walk around. I was so fucked up. Then I went back in September. And I think I did maybe an open mic at a fucking bar. Two, three hours away one night. And they put me up at one in the morning and I was fucking furious. You don't know. I'll do it. And the guy's like, yeah, we start at nine. We go to about one-thirty. You're number thirty-one or something. I'm like, I gotta sit here through all this shit. And just watch the audience leave. Yeah, one by one. Just one by one walking out the door of the audience and you're just there, oh my God. And you have a joke for one person like this, jokes didn't get them. And then one guy goes up and walks twenty-two people. I remember that night vividly. And then I remember maybe two weeks later she dropped the hammer on me. She didn't want to be married no more. But it was like October 15th. And I was looking through the Boulder. She had already moved out. And I remember looking through the paper one night. Bored as fuck. I was thinking about going and getting coke and all this shit. But I looked and it said comedy tonight. Boulder broker. Eight o'clock show. Fifteen dollars for a dinner and a ticket. And then it goes, if you come early it's a comedy contest. I go, you know what? I got no wife. I got no kid. I got a TV with a VCR. I got a mattress upstairs. She took everything. It ain't gonna get no better than this house. Let me just go. And I went down there paid the fifteen bucks and I watched the amateur comedy. And I knew like one of the guys. I had worked with him before on an open mic or whatever. And I'll never forget it. The ball. I just went up to the manager. I go, hey man, how do I get on the contest? He goes, when do you want to do it? I go, you tell me. And he goes, next Tuesday. And he goes, just show up. It's every week. So the more you show up, the more brackets you win. I was like, okay. I go, you sure I can just show up next Tuesday? He's like, you got it. Again, I was bored and lonely. And I went up there. I never even looked back. Then I started doing it. And I think except for one week, he told me I couldn't do it that week. And then it was the same night as the Comedy Works open night. Open mic. So I was taking like a big chance. I should be at the Comedy Works. They liked me at the Comedy Works. But I'm coming down here on Tuesday. I think I went to the Comedy Works one time. And I think I ate a bag of dicks. So I said, let me just go to the broker for right now. And they asked me to do the finals. And I won. And it changed everything. Just getting up off my ass and going to this steakhouse. It was like a steak shrimp place. It's a contest you won. That feeling is nice. What's that? Winning a contest that early? Dog, it was lucky. It was fucking luck. Like everything was going bad in my life at that time. And here we get comedies coming out of the woodwork. Like the last thing I expected. I thought by that time I'd get promoted at the roofing company. No. Here I am actually doing what I was scared of doing. Every Tuesday. I was too fucked up in the head after the separation to even focus on work. I was a salesman. I couldn't even focus. So I took time off and I just fucking wrote stupid fucking jokes. When you finally got off stage for the first time, did you think to yourself, I found my thing? I found what I was put on here, like what I'm here to do? This is what I'm meant for? Yes and no. I'm not going to lie to you. Okay. Because that doubt was always there. I'm from North Bergen. Yep. You know, I'm a Cuban kid. I got felonies. What are they going to do when they find out that I didn't even make it through? I thought all these comedians were perfect. You know, like they were perfect models in there. Yes. I didn't know. So I was like, who am I fucking to, you know? I'm going to go do one of these comedy shows and I'm going to punch a magician in the face and they're going to throw me in jail for the rest of my fucking life, you know? That's how I always looked at it. But I always, that night I remember going home and there was a level of being high without being high. Like a euphoric fucking state. And I saw, I saw myself doing it. It was really interesting after that. And then three months later, this woman doesn't want to be with me no more. I hit the jackpot. I hit the fucking jackpot. I felt bad for my daughter and the whole thing. I was still going to stay in Colorado, but at least I can give this shit a shot. A hundred fucking percent. With no skeletons, just go for it. And that was it. That was exactly what I did. I just kept doing it. I'm always Richard Gere in Office of the Gentleman. I'm the one who's going to throw them out. I ain't got no place to go. At the end of the day, you don't. What am I going to go back and do? Become a waiter? A bartender at 63? I got nowhere to go. I go to work for George, delivering frames and checking the air condition. I can't even climb on the fucking roof. What can I do at 63? What can I do at 42? What can I do at 44? At that point, you're in, bro. And I was already in, you know, I don't I don't know, 15 years, you're in, that's it. fuck it, sorry, and then I get a movie. And you're like, okay, we're on to something. We're on to something. And you get another one, and you're like, holy shit. And I thought I would only be an extra, but I ain't going to tell that to nobody. And that's all it is. Take an acting class once in a while just to make yourself feel fucking better about what you're doing. You know, having conversations with us like this, that helps you. You know, whatever. Keep getting on stage. Look at Lee. He keeps getting on stage. That's it. You know, he's got obsessed with numbers, but he's a Jew, and I respect that. But that's going to take him down eventually. He'll know it. Because right now, just take these gigs. Who gives a fuck? You're not going to go, I mean, what are you going to do, get a plane with ads? What are you going to do? How many more people are going to show up? Lee, Syatt's in town. A cloud rider might help. You never know. You know, I mean, right now you're looking at, you've got to think about what Shane Gillis did and go, they're out there. Right now, any smart young comic is looking at that. I'm a billy goat, and I'm still looking at it going, what the fuck just happened? That could have been Shane Gillis, or guess what, Lee Syatt? That could have been you. That could have been Pedro. That could have been Eric Rocha. It could be anybody. We all started doing open mics. And we all started doing open. And when you see that, what did I say last week? Every once in a while, you get down on comedy, and it's something like this happens. You got two ways to look at it. Fuck Shane Gillis. You fuck that. You need to be fucking, he stole a joke from me in a coffee house. Come on, guy. You're co-emceeing. But he stole a joke from you, you know. Co-emceeing. 25 people in the lineup. And that's a complete different mental illness. But think about what this kid did. Think about the avenues you have in front of you. I mean, for me, listen, I wouldn't even dream that big like I've had. I'm good. That's not even, because I get jealous all the time. I want you both to think that fucking big. And I want you to go, you know what, dog? Guess what? I'm going to show these white motherfuckers. I'm going to go to Israel and sell 90,000 seats. Boom. And at the end, drop a bomb. Forget a B-50. Just kill half the fucking stadium. That's a good last show. You know, I mean, these are jokes. But I want you guys to think like this is, dog, what am I going to do? George Burns come out there with a cigar and a wig. You know, hey, Rosie, hey. Hey, Lee, remember when I said, get the fuck out of here, Joey. But you guys got, like I always tell you, you guys got the world by the balls. Just stick to it. There's no fucking secret. Dog, I'd have hundreds of thousands of dollars if I put a book together with bullshit. People would hate me, but I'd hook everybody. I'd just get an ad like Rolling Stone comic and have Shane Gillis give, like, quote, it's the best comedy book I've ever read. You know, that's it. You could fucking swindle people. There's no, it's the same fucking, it's the same fucking mathematical thing. What is it? What's algebra? X plus Y equal X? Yeah, it's algebra. Something like that, right? Yeah. And we got to figure out what the X is and the Y is. Or they give you the answer, you know. This is comedy algebra. Yeah. This is, and it's like I say, it's part of the, it's part of the comedy karma. It's so many fucking things that have to align. But while that shit's aligning, go fuck your mother. You're on stage every night. While that shit's aligning, what are you going to do? If you sit at home and wait, look out the window every night? Yeah, it's aligning. I can see the North Star. No, it's not until you go out and go, I really don't want to go out tonight. My fucking foot hurts. My knee hurts and also your leg. You look in the couches, there ain't no money in there. You've already swindled that. You're so fucking, you're such a douchebag. There's an IOU in there for me yourself. Like, you owe, I owe you 75 cents and shit. And you go out and those are the nights when something happens. You just go down there, there'll be three people. You walk in, there's a hundred people. And you're like, what happened here tonight? And you're like, bro, a bunch of fucking gay tourists walked in to have the best time of their lives. And I'm not, you know, I'm just saying anything. German tourists, fucking Israeli tourists. And you're there in front of a hundred people. What were you going to do? And then when you get on the train that night, you get that slice of pizza on the way home. Because you deserve it. You were going to sit at home. Yeah. You know what? I got a slice of pizza. And I'll stop and give the missus a little flour. Yeah. And that's basically it, guys. There's no fucking. Chappelle has been doing this since he was, what, 13, 16? Yeah. It was, you know, Nick Cannon when he was a fucking kid. I just saw the other day. He's 40-something years old. He's been doing this, God knows, 30 years. I was in L.A., 98, 97. They would put him outside and then sneak him into the club. He only had like a little time because he was a minor. So they would have to put him up like between 8 and 8.15. And it's like he had his parents around him outside. The host would have to fly out and say, come on, Nick, we're ready for you. And they would run him in. He'd do his 10 minutes and they'd run him back out. So, guys, it's father time. You can't worry about this or that because you don't know. That's why you got to do everything that's offered to you because you don't know. Hey, Lee, I'm shooting this fucking short film about Jews taking over Harlem. You want to be one of the prisoners? You know, whatever. It's one hour of your day. You're going to be there for eight hours. You're going to meet two people. Okay, they're not going to pay you. Guess what? It got fucking won first prize in the Little Italy Film Festival. You and two other movies from Japan. So you won. You know, shit like that. But it's a title. And then they'll call you and go, Lee, this guy wants to see you about a movie. This one's going to pay $50 a day. And you do that. And Lee, all this shit. It's just a circle. And it comes right back to you at the end. How do I know? Because I saw it. I saw it. I remember all the nights I would stay at the comedy store till two because I had to go shoot a student film at 4 a.m. You know, no money. No money. They got abused. Abused. Then you go see the finished product. Then who shot this? Why am I in this? Oh, you learn this. You learn how to step on that. You learn how to look at the camera. You focus. Everything you do is not. Then you take an acting class. And then you learn how to put all fucking three of them together. And you start podcasting. You draw pictures. I don't give a fuck. You know, I don't give a fuck. You got to, as long as your heart pure, something's going to hit. And your intentions are good. Something's going to hit for you. It may not be what you wanted. How the man said, right? You can't always get what you want. But you get what you need. Fuck yeah. I appreciate all your help on GTA. Anytime, brother. Anytime. And that's why I use you with stand-up. I see you guys growing. You, Becky, Hector, Lee. It's amazing. And I saw myself grow as a comic. Because now when I go to the dojo, one of those clubs, I'm not the funny guy, no. I'm the old guy watching you guys. Learning from a different perspective. And being proud. But I'm still allowed in that green room. You know, I don't want to be that old guy. I'm in 62. You're a fucking legend. Nobody gives a fuck. Come on, you're a fucking legend, brother. Nobody gives a fuck. And you have to know that going in. But I've learned from you guys. As a matter of fact, it made comedy fun for me again. How can I describe it? Before I left LA, I was doing corporate comedy. It was business-y. You know? I wasn't worried about numbers. Everything was business-based. Which means, give me my check so I can get the fuck out of here. Okay? I was still focused on the show. Now, I'm having fun at these shows. And it's because you young guys come, you show up. We get the worst appetizers in the world. We eat, we smoke dope, you steal lighters. Motherfucker, put them up on eBay. But I hope to see you more. I'm going to see you a lot. Yeah, man. Use you on some dates this year. You get into that place. I watched Becky grow. Motherfucker. A couple weeks ago. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. The other girl. Allie? Allie was fucking it up. Funny as fuck. And you see this. You knew these people when they were really young. Yeah. The same time when I see Kim Condom. And she's having a great time killing. I know I fucked when she was a kid yelling at people. You know, fucking. It's just amazing watching Lee be in fucking Texas for six nights, you know, five nights in a row. You know, you started in Austin fucking around with me a couple years ago, right? Yeah, it was the first time. This motherfucker, I call him, he goes, Lee, where you going? I'm thinking of going for Chinese food. I go, Lee, have you seen any Chinese people in Austin? Yeah, yeah, but that's all you could eat. All you could eat buffet. I saved his life. He doesn't know how fucking lucky he is. It was before Uber. Yeah. No. Yeah. How were you getting there? A cab. I took a cab to barbecue. I thought it was Bobby Sharon was driving. No, Bobby Sharon did take me out, but that was before Uber. I went and I took a cab. They had a barbecue place and a gas station that I went. It was like a little chain sort of thing. I remember that was. But that barbecue was good. Yeah. Oh, it was very good. I told you a long time ago, listen, you want to go and be online and take Instagrams. You want to go to a big place. Yeah, it's great. But bad barbecue in Texas is better than what you're going to get on Route 3. Oh, yeah. Ain't shit in New York City where there's shit. Yeah, you got a mustache and a fucking six pack. I did go. We went to Terry Black's and then I got a cooler at Bucky's and I brought some of the sausages home, some of the jalapeno cheddar sausages. And you didn't bring those for George? All of them. All of them. All of them. All of them. And then we went to Franklin's, that place. But it was raining, so there was no line. So we got a bunch of good bars. Franklin's was good, too. Yeah. I told you. It's like, you know, you go stand on line and be chic. And there was no line that day. Well, let me show you how you cook the meats. Listen, not this time. I came here to eat. My knee hurts. I ain't got time. They're going to replace my hip. I'm doing that. You got any dates coming up, George? Gentlemen? Yeah. Just follow my Instagram. I'm mostly Cuban. You'll see everything on there. The website? Yeah. Yeah. Follow me on Twitch. I'm mostly Cuban as well. That's why everything's there. No solid dating website. Pedro Garcia. Nah. Actor, musician. Nah. Magician only on Sundays. Not model. Not model. Maybe. Yeah. We'll see. But yeah, just follow me on mostly Cuban on everything on Twitch. What about you, my little brother? Where you at this week? Pedro will be on my show at St. Mark's. At St. Mark's on July 30th. Yep. At a bugger show. And this week, I'm in New York City. I'm in New Rochelle, Upper East Side Comedy Club, and then Saturday, first time at Stand-Up New York. All right. I love you, brother. Nowhere. Thank you for coming. You got Atlantic City coming up. That's on the 7th and 8th, but August 5th in Brooklyn. That's my last hurrah. The next two weeks are going to be crazy because next week, I don't know what I'm going to be able to do this week. I know they do have a room. Uh, in Dewey Beach. They do comedy, but on Tuesdays, maybe I'll call them up and let's see, let's see how these pop-ups work. We got DJ Khalid to come and bring his friends. I really want to try a pop-up. I'll get it. Like five in the afternoon in the city. Okay. Get somebody, we'll pay somebody 50 bucks to play a guitar and open for us. We'll go on another 10th and whatever happens. We'll get one of those portable fucking, we'll borrow from somebody, one of these has a George has one. All right. See, George has that. We got the mic stand. We got the computer. We got the camera. Come on, guys. Who's better than us? Nobody. Nobody. August 5th. Motherfucking, uh, Brooklyn Improv. Brooklyn Improv. And then I got the 7th and 8th in Atlantic City at Ocean's Casino. Tickets are going. So jump on them, especially Saturday night. And that's it, guys. I'm excited. We're all good. Everybody's healthy. Right? Yeah. Feeling good. You got comedy work. Yes, sir. You got comedy work. And I got all you motherfuckers. So I love you. Stay black. And we'll see you next week. Tip. Top. Magoo. Magoo. Magoo. Magoo. Magoo. Magoo.