Giggling about subpoenas, sunny d, and ex boyfriends

What's up, gigglers? Carrie, fix the Wi-Fi. Manifest that shit. We can't be managed. I mean, the day just got away from me. Okay, you on cocaine would actually be the best night of my life. We'll do a hand and face try new things. The business ideas alone that you would come up with. If I did do cocaine. Yeah. And came up with a hundred business ideas. And one of the business ideas was good. Worth it. Worth it. Absolutely worth it. Absolutely worth it. By the way. Yeah. Oh, my God. I tried a new coffee place. And I walked. No, it's fine. I love a new coffee place. It's fine. You were being a tourist in your own city. Yes. And the barista was, like, performing. And I'm, like, on my phone. And I, you know, when you hear. Baristas are the flight attendants. Of the land. Yes. Oh, my God. Right? Oh, my God. They are the flight attendants of Earth. They literally. They have so much power in such a small area. And, like, their mood dictates everyone else. And it's so true. Because, you know, a flight attendant comes in. You're, like, oh, we're. It's jokes. We're having jokes. We're having fun. She's well rested. And then there's the ones that you're, like, I'm scared of her. I'm messing up. She's mad at me. She's on overtime. And she's livid. So this barista. I hear him. Like, obviously, he's, like, a hilarious gay. Yeah. And so he's running the room. And this is early. So I'm, like, not. I haven't turned on my personality yet. Yeah. We're charging. And I hear him exclaim. Like, the word exclaim. Like, he exclaimed. You know exactly what I mean. You know exactly what you're talking about. I've never in my 33 years on Earth have ever heard someone say that. I've only read it in a book. Fuck. I saw it for the first time in person. He exclaimed. He went, oh, oh, oh, he makes his. So I'm. A gasp. A gasp and at attention. The girl in front, he goes, ice latte with oat milk. Never have I ever. So he's, like, making fun of her. And I realize, like, oh, we're in a bit. Yeah. We're in a bit. And she's just, like, froze, which, like, I would be in my 20s. For sure. So he's. And she's, like, yeah, with ice. And he's, like, an iced one. Never heard of her. And he's, like, you can tell. The girl couldn't go along with the bit. She was just kind of, like, please give me my coffee. She's, like, I don't have time for this right now. This is my. In New York City, it's always the days that you're, like, I don't have time. I'm overstimulated. When someone's doing something so insane. And to, like, explain it to anyone anywhere else in the country, they'd be, like, oh, my God, go to the police. And by the way, this place is full of people working. And no one's looked up from their computer. Like, they're just, like, it's another day. I don't know if he does this all the time. I'm new to this establishment. So I don't know if they're, like, oh, just Gary being Gary. So he's going nuts. And then I, for a second, I'm, like, there's two ways to go about this. I can show up and just kind of take it and leave. I'm, like, or I'm, like, Hannah, you're a fucking stand-up comedian. Yeah. You stand up to this man. Join in. You join in. So I go, fuck it. And it's my turn. And I go, you're not going to believe what I'm about to order. And you can tell he's, like, he's, like, is she fucking whatever? And I go, I'm getting an iced latte with oat milk plus vanilla. He jumps in. He goes, not vanilla. And we, like, start going back and forth. Did this happen today? Yes. So I'm exhausted. I put in a good 30 minutes of crowd work with the barista. Oh, God. I can honestly say I've never once talked any time I've ever walked into a coffee shop. No, but this is the kind of thing where I'm, like, I'm sorry. I just need my coffee. Like, it's one thing if it's. No, but you know what? I see both sides. When I'm miserable at work, there's two ways you go about it. You could cry or you can laugh. And this man chose happiness. Is he coming for some people in the line? Yes. But you know what? You know, this is New York City. People are always auditioning. Well, I was about to say, do you want to open for me? Do you have a good 10 minutes? He has the floor for a minimum eight hours. I mean, he's on a stage. Yeah. He has the microphone. But it does make your job more fun when every time someone. Orders something, you have an insane reaction to it. Just watch. It's in the Lower East Side. If anyone. What's it called? I don't know. I blacked out. Small business, a shout out. But if you're not in the mood, don't go to that place. Anyway, what's up, gigglers? Yeah, we didn't even say hi because we got right into it. I like your headband. Thank you. How are you? Good. Did you see the Jake from State Farm got a hold of Windbreaker Gate? Whenever brands get involved in, like, certain funny bits, it's interesting to see, like, what brand. And State Farm wasn't in my back pocket. I was not expecting them. The OG gigglers know back in my day, I was seeing a guy named Jake during COVID, and we called him Jake from State Farm. So it was kind of a beautiful. I honestly forgot about that. And you know what we call Des? Caddy Daddy. Oh, my God. It's so funny, though. The other day, I was cleaning out my kitchen. You ever cleaned? You ever cleaned? Out your kitchen? Never in my life. Okay, let me tell you, you find things, like, it's a totally different world than, like, cleaning out your bedroom or cleaning out your closet because you're like, when would I ever use 85 spatulas? Do you remember spiralizers? Spiralizers? There was, like, a time in 2018 where all the girls were buying these, like, $10 spiralizers on Amazon where you put a zucchini in it and you spiral it and you make zucchini pasta. You know, I didn't. I didn't have one of those, but that's the type of things I was finding, like choppers and, like, slicers and, like, a salad maker. I'm like, I've never made a salad at this cash. But it's the kind of stuff you buy to just make yourself feel better, but you know it I was like, I'm an adult. I should have, like, a complete kitchen. So I'm cleaning out my kitchen, and I just find, like, a coffee mug that says State Farm on one side and Jake on the other. And I was like. Is his name Jake? No, not his real name. Okay, it's false advertising. There was a whole other guy before him. Oh, yeah? What is that? What is that? What is that? What do they do with him? You're done in this town. I want to see a documentary of where the first Jake from State Farm is now. Yeah. What is he doing? The guy from Dell. Whatever happened to him, remember him? True. Remember, they brought back the Mayhem guy because people were like, hello? Yeah. There should be awards for commercials. Flo from Progressive. We do know. She's probably made. So much money. So much money from that. She's probably, like, tried to audition for something else, and they're like, hey, can we talk for a second? You're Flo from State Farm. I actually think I have seen her in something, and I'm like. From Progressive. Sorry, she's typecast now. No, like, they actually do. I met the Verizon girl. Yep. who is an incredible actress, but, you know, she's so widely known. Yeah. Do you guys want to know what happened to Jake from State Farm? Yeah. The original Jake from State Farm was a real State Farm employee named Jake Stone, who worked in an Indiana call center, was cast from an internal casting call, blah, blah, blah. He did not pursue acting, left State Farm to become a bartender, and now. lives a private life with his family. Obsessed with him. He got too big. He was like, I didn't want this fame. I didn't want this life. He's like, Hollywood is not for me. That is so not how I saw it going. He got too famous. He got too famous. The new guy's name is Kevin, by the way. And he was like, I just want to do my passion, which is making drinks. Look, I get it. Well, what's funny about when I saw this cup, I literally had a thought where I was like, oh, should I throw this out? And then I was like, yeah, throw it out. No, I would never. You don't know anyone named Jake. I don't throw away cups. It doesn't. It doesn't matter. Like, just throw it out. And I was like, when am I ever having an encounter with State Farm, where I have to be like, I threw your cup out. Literally three days later, Jake from State Farm on Windbreaker Day. The universe came for you with that. Yeah, I was like, it's just a cup. Also, I love. I've been thinking about it, though, nonstop. State Farm is so happy right now. The marketing girls are like, we knew they would latch on to this. You know that he. They had to set that up. He had to go in his green room. Right. Have the windbreakers or the jackets lined up. So, shout out to the girl at marketing. I put that together. Do you ever have, like, where you feel bad for, like, inanimate objects? Like, do you. Are you ever, like, in your house and, like, um. Like, I'm trying to think of an example. Like, the salt shaker is in one cabinet and the pepper is in another. And you're like, oh, I feel bad because they're, like, alone. So, I have to, like, put them together. You should talk to someone about that. You should for sure talk to someone about that. It's crazy because you don't feel bad for. You never felt that. You don't feel bad for animate objects. But non-animate objects you suddenly have empathy for? Yeah, look that up. Get that checked out. Like, you've never, like, left your stuffed animal and you're like, okay, like, I'm leaving. And, like, I'll be back. This isn't Toy Story 3. Guys, not one time your entire childhoods you've never looked at an item and been like, I feel bad. Well, you're, like, the most materialistic person I've ever met in my life. But now it makes sense because you're like, because they have feelings too. Like, maybe. No. A plant maybe I would. Don't get me started about my plant. I'll cry. I've had my plant for almost 10 years. It's my favorite item. Don't get me started. She would speak of my plant. Josephine had to take my plant for, like, a couple weeks. You didn't trust her. And I checked on my plant more than I've ever checked on Daphne with, like, the sitter. I'm like, Josephine, don't forget to water my plant. Well, with the sitter, you have to check on the sitter more than Daphne. You're like, has she been rude? Is she making you feel bad about yourself? Okay. So, is your kitchen clean? Yeah, my kitchen's clean. I got rid of a lot. lot of stuff. You don't realize how many things you have that end up being expired. It's not good. You got to check. Oh, that's why I don't have anything in my fridge. Well, it's like more of like my canned items and like my dressings. Wait, canned items go bad? I thought that was the whole point of preparing for the apocalypse. Well, sometimes. Like, I think I threw out some like soups. I don't think I've ever bought a canned item and ate it. Really? Like, you know, I've been on a tuna kick. So like I've been eating tuna. I just recently ordered a bunch of beans because I got a TikTok. That was like, beans are so good for you. And my mom always says that. So I'm like, let me get on my bean kick. Poor Daphne. She's like, you're hotboxing me. Wait, you love tuna, but you're not giving Fish Wife a chance? Fish Wife? Oh, the tin fish? Yeah, because they have tuna, albacore, salmon. What does it look like inside the tin? It looks like a tuna fish can. Okay, then I'll give it a try. You should give it a try because it's full of antioxidants and I'm not sponsored by them. There is this thing in my brain that. It's cat food. No, there's this thing in my brain that it's like, this is sick too. If my mom didn't buy that brand, I'm not buying that brand. Oh. Like, I can't deviate from certain things because I'm like, I didn't grow up with that. And like, we use Heinz ketchup. Like, do you know? And you know, like when you go to someone else's house and you're like, oh, interesting. You guys are that family. You buy that brand. You're like, you guys are glowing the dark because you're drinking that orange juice product. Yeah. Like, I remember one time I went to my. I went to my friend's house and instead of orange juice in the morning, they drank Sunny D. And I was like, I was like obsessed. I love it. And I remember going back home being like, mom, there's a different kind of orange juice you can buy. And she was so offended. She was like, I'll never put Sunny D in the house. Sunny D is if orange juice and Mountain Dew had a baby. Yeah. And their name was Chad. It's juice. I mean, not juice. It's basically soda. It's like soda juice. Yeah. Wait, Sunny D. Oh, my God. I had some crazy days on Sunny D as a kid. Like, I was Sunny D and then blackout for four hours. You wake up. Everything's a mess. You came out from. That's a K-hole. Sunny D is. We were very different children. That was my K-hole. Like, I didn't play unless my socks matched my bow. So, no, I didn't blackout on Sunny D. My mom had a full meetings with babysitters telling them to water down my juice because I was like unsafe to be around other kids with the amount of sugar I was. Anyway. Sunny D. Sunny D. Oh, my God. Yeah. That was a blast from the past. Wait, I was going to say something before we got on a Sunny D tangent that I just, like, didn't see coming. I feel like you should be wearing more rings. Why are you not wearing any rings right now? You know, I just saw my ring. This is also what happens when you clean things out. I go, guys, I don't wear you enough. Paige is wearing a ring. And I go bad for my rings. How did you choose which fingers. Do you feel bad for the fingers that don't have a ring? I actually did. I said, oh, you guys have two rings here together and you don't have any rings. I don't have any rings. I'm really into, like. I mean, this is obviously a fake diamond. But I'm really into pinky rings recently. And I ordered from this. Because you're Italian, isn't you? Wow, yeah. And I ordered from this brand. It's called Wolf and Badger. And they have, like, all these, like, diamond pinky rings that I'm, like, obsessed with. And that's just my. I'm obsessed with non-diamond rings because I don't want the responsibility of owning real jewelry. You know, I have a sensory problem, so I don't. Which I feel like you do, too, because you never wear jewelry when you're a kid. You never wear jewelry when you're a kid. You never wear jewelry when you don't have to. I don't wear my wedding ring. Right. Because it gives me a rash. So I don't wear a lot of jewelry either. But every time I see a girl that's, like, has a bunch of rings on, has a necklace, has her earrings, I'm like, oh, yeah, your outfit looks ten times better because you accessorized. I feel like ring girls to me are, like, tattoo girls where, like, it looks good on them. But on me, it's like she's a try-hard fake bitch. I love tattoo girls. Oh, my God. Every now and then I see one, like, this girl's playing tennis and she has one on her arm. I mean, like, real tattoo girls. Like, a Kat Von D tattoo girl. Yeah. Like, full sleeves. Do you know how girls were, like, if I was a worm, would you love my ass, Des? I was like, if I was tatted up all the way, would you love me? I don't remember what he said because I didn't care. So, that is the most random. Look, if he said no, I would be like, what is it, 1955? Wait, I keep this a secret. So I'm just going to tell the gigglers. It's our four-year anniversary. That's disgusting. I know. Wait, Hannah, the other day, did you see that when you commented on Des' Instagram, you're like, nice jacket? Oh, yeah. I commented back to you and said, don't get any ideas. But when I saw you comment on your own husband's Instagram, I did have a moment where I was like, oh, they have inside jokes. Okay, so they have bits that they run that I have no idea about. You're actually in on that bit because Des was going to do comedy. He stops and goes, look at my outfit. And I go, wait, I love that jacket. And he goes, send it to Paige. And then walked out. But I just had a moment where I was like, oh, she has a friend. She talks to you. I'm like, obviously, you've been married for four years. That's your friend. But I was like, oh, okay, I guess I'm out. I do like to comment on his photo just to remind people that I'm there, that I'm lurking. But never too lovey-dovey. But not too mean where people think we're in a fight. I like it very in the middle. What are you going to do for your four-year anniversary? Are you doing anything? We forgot. It was actually yesterday. That's so you. Wait, that is so you guys. Well, we woke up in the morning, and I had to hop on a plane. And I got on the plane, and he texted me. By the way, it's our anniversary. And I was like, I love you. Wait, that just sounds so pick-me. But you really aren't like other girls. Like, I feel like if you ask a 25-year-old guy, like, what's their dream? Like, it is you because you don't care about, like, certain things that, like, the majority of girls would be pissed. Like, if you ask a random girl, oh, if your husband forgot your wedding anniversary, would you be pissed? The majority would say, yeah. But you're like, I forgot. I was going to say, I'm not mad at him because I'm in the same boat. But also, I just want a man who's kind and nice and funny. And those, I do think when a guy goes too hard on an anniversary, it's like, you have another family. Yeah. Interesting. Like, Des is not overcompensating. Is Des, like, I'll send you flowers randomly kind of guy? Or is he, like, I feel like he's, like, an act of service guy. Like, I helped you organize this because it would help your day. So, great question. I, early on, like, kind of made a joke, but I was serious. I was like, I don't, I'm not really a flowers person. I get them, and then. It's the most pick-me thing. No, it's so, because I don't say it out loud, that's pick-me. But, like, to him, I was like, don't get me flowers. What don't you like about getting flowers? Because then they go bad. Also, I have to take care of, suddenly I have a child in my house. And I'm not around. And then it starts smelling. I get in trouble because the better eats a flower throws up. Like, it's just I've never had a good experience with flowers. I guess, like, Valentine's Day, I'm like, yeah, I could use a flower. But, like, guys randomly bringing you flowers, I'm like, who did you fuck today? Yeah. Like, I don't like that at all. This is Des. Well, first of all, I land for the Sports Illustrated weekend I'm doing. Immediately order Chinese. Chinese food. Like, as I'm getting in the Uber, I get my chicken and broccoli with white sauce, mushy pork, and dumplings. Go to town on it. Yeah. Realize, oh, I have a fitting for a Sports Illustrated weekend. Nothing sipping. And I was like. Well, the sodium alone. The sodium and the bloat from the flight together was disastrous. Diabolical. And I knew I was about to get a spray tan. It was hard. But anyway, my special's coming out. And we're doing. We're trying to put the trailer together. Comedy trailers are really hard because they don't want to put the full bit. They want to, like, tease. But if you tease too much, it just doesn't look like you're saying anything. Right. So I'm, like, insanely editing this trailer. And I called him just, like, overwhelmed by the edit and, like, trying to figure it out. And he, like, talked me off a ledge. And he's like, let me look at it. I'll figure it out, whatever. Like, that's what I want my husband for. Right. Not giving me flowers and then, like, not talking to me all day. Hmm. Which does sound peaceful as well. So, honestly, I'm going to say the latter. But the trailer is set. I think we got it. I'm just, like, a perfectionist with it. Yeah. You are a perfectionist. I showed it to you. Yeah. It's really good. You looked phenomenal. Well, that's all you care about. It's so funny because there was one part in the trailer where I was, like, pause real quick. And you were like, I know what you're going to say. And I was like, your hair looks phenomenal. Like, in that two seconds. You watched it on mute. I was like, did you like the bits I chose? And you go, the way your hair was, like. Off your shoulder. Well, because you know what? I think everything you do is funny. So, I don't even have to, like, I don't have to check on that. I'm there for certain aesthetics things that maybe you wouldn't think of. I would have missed. Yeah. And Des would have missed. Oh, God. So, anyway, happy anniversary, Desmond. You know how there's, like, a whole side of TikTok that's, like, Chinese medicine and, like. Guys, this is important, actually. Julie. She goes, it's where I get all my doctor stuff. Don't even speak badly because there are a lot of things that I've tried that I'm, like, that actually really did work. So, the most recent thing was, like. You know that's how you're going to go. That's what. And look, St. Anthony, don't let this happen, but. I'm going to see, like, a trend. You're going to shove something in the wrong place and wake up in the morning. Or, like, eat this. I'm like, absolutely. No. This girl was saying that in Chinese culture, it is just the norm that when you're at home and you're about to take a shower if you're a girl you get undressed you take your underwear in the shower with you you wash it in the shower then you throw it in your dirty laundry because they're like it's such a sensitive area that it should be washed double and i and i'm like yeah absolutely that makes so much sense then i saw the video did you see the girl washing her underwear in a hotel in the coffee machine woman instead of the week that is one of the most diabolical things i've ever seen in my life this is how i do my laundry from now on no because you know i'm in a hotel with just a bunch of dirty underwear and i'm like oh my god i'm in a hotel with just a bunch of dirty underwear and i'm like oh my god i'm in a hotel with just a bunch of dirty underwear and i'm like oh my god i'm in a hotel with just a bunch of dirty underwear and i'm like oh my god i'm in a hotel with just a bunch of dirty underwear and i'm like do i instacart there's a coffee machine but the coffee the heat the heat really gets the bacteria and then people are just drinking your discharge i don't even notice if there's a coffee machine in my hotel room does makes the coffee in this household or i order it but also when he tried to explain to me how to make coffee because i didn't drink coffee until like i went on tour yeah because i was too hyper i could barely drink sunny d he's like yeah you just know how much he acts like an italian grandma he's like you just put some coffee on the coffee on the top what's your coffee machine of choice he's that's his job like he's the house manager right he is like i don't ask where things are from how they got there it's so true how they work i don't know when it's working when it's not working occasionally i'll just be like do you know the brand like are you a cuisine art person do are you doing like cuisine cuisine art cuisine art no i think quiznos or are you like an espresso pod family see nespresso pod that's a whole different it's a whole different job that really stresses me out i've fucked up many nespresso pods in a hotel room yeah see now after the woman washing her underwear i'll never even two things that are bougie about me let's hear them because i let me let me think first what i think not travel not every day not sleeping accommodations um hmm i'm really getting stumped i would say now the person you are today i would say you're not gonna get it i know because i was gonna say hotel but you're really not well i do i do love hotel rooms i love treating my openers to amazing hotel rooms now but that's all because you taught me that it was important because i'm like we got a bed we got a bed okay these are things i spoil myself with now i will order an eight dollar delivery coffee in the morning in the morning if i want yeah that's a non-negotiable and i love and i want it like a milkshake i want hazelnut i want i want whatever yeah second thing really get your gut started on the right foot yes really and then i'm like i think maybe start the day off with blow because it's only down from there if i'm gonna be emotionally miserable i might as well i'm not gonna be emotionally miserable if i'm gonna be emotionally miserable i might as well but i bought on amazon phone chargers with a really long cables like 10 footers and i put it in every single room you're rich so every room i go into yeah put your hand down you'll find a cable yeah plug it in somehow still my phone's never charged but like you know how like you have that one charge you can never find i'm losing it i one day i said fuck it i'm buying 10 chargers on amazon i'm putting it in every one of my chargers i'm putting it in every one of my chargers one of my favorite things is small no we got it yeah every crevice in my house one of my favorite things is like small luxuries that aren't real luxuries like one time i went away for like a weekend with one of my girlfriends we stayed at this insane house in miami and everyone was like oh my god this house is amazing and it has this and it has this and blah blah blah and i go did you see that next to the beds they had like a little sticky thing that stuck onto the nightside table that you put the charger in so the cord never i was like these people are rich and they know luxury i then ordered every room needed to have one wherever there was a charger so it never like slipped down i think it might be like the new yorker in me where like i like to smell bullshit and sometimes we'll stay in like a nice hotel and you're like yeah it's so nice and i get there the fucking light isn't working you have to go here to get the charger i'll burn the place to the ground i'm like oh my god i'm gonna burn the place to the ground i'm gonna burn the place to the ground i'm like that's not luxury to me i don't care that it's like it has gold like toilets i want a charger that what like what are you in vegas i am talking about a fucking casino in vegas we went to yes but these are like oh this marble's been around so i don't give a fuck i can't charge my phone yeah i hate when there's not enough outlets like i don't need the alarm clock plugged in i have a phone it's 2026 get a grip have you ever had an alarm clock go off in a hotel oh that's happened to me but i'm not gonna get into it right now i digress and lastly i like vintage bags yeah because it's sustainable well sometimes you do send me a bag where i'm like that was run over by an 18 wheel tractor trailer someone's grandma owned it ripped the handle off sewed it back together and i'm like why would you buy this bag for two thousand dollars because i love a sale yeah you do if it's like it says like shit i'm gonna buy this bag for two thousand dollars because i love a sale yeah you do if it's for seven hundred dollars i'm like this is incredible i send it to you and you only like shopping to be competitive yeah i feel like i got something yeah so but then you'll be like let's zoom in for a second let's take a quick gander someone took a sharpie and wrote all over it yeah and um and i'll be like oh that's why it's like five dollars yeah it's four dollars for a chanel but do you ever find with vintage shopping if you find your size yeah even if it's kind of ugly you're like well i have to get it yeah absolutely because you're like when am i ever gonna come across like when i go to italy there's one vintage store that i go to that i'm like i have to get everything that's in my size because what am i gonna come across my mom's like you don't even like it i'm like the universe was speaking to you i'm like i need to get it one time i went into a vintage store and they were like this bag came out in 1992 i go i was born in 1992 that's my bag she's like okay i also think with bags so is a whole generation there'll be an outfit one day that you're like oh this crazy outfit works perfectly with this crazy bag but it could take years right and there's vintage shopping is like it could take years to have the perfect thing to wear that to where i am such a like thrower outer that i'm like if i haven't worn it in the past year it's out of there you get rid of vintage well no i don't get rid of anything designer but like if i don't wear something for a full calendar year i get rid of it because i'm not what i'm a yeah it goes the whole i'm like i'm wearing what i've been wearing here's the other thing if you don't see what you have you can't remember that's why i'm always organizing my closet because i'm like i forget yeah that i have things are you against drawers in 2026 the ant because if everything's not anti-drawer okay but like if things are folded up in drawers you feel like you don't wear anything you don't wear anything you don't wear i think what goes in drawers is your like essentials like your workout clothes your underwear your pajamas like things that you're not putting together i do see a world where you're running like a styling organization pimple popping company in your future i don't know it's just like you'd be so good at it but i guess it's that's how you influence now like you tell people those are just my hobbies yeah you're like don't try to monetize don't try and monetize do i try and i'm so annoying though like my dad loves the next and he's so funny when he talks about the next i'm like dad started next podcast and he's like no this is what i love to do why make it into a job and i'm like okay i'll go to therapy no truly i have an update from last week i was complaining about people who blow their nose and make like insane sounds insane sounds a girl messaged me she's our um running runner-up woman of the week oh she said she used to make that noise she realized it's because those people don't realize that you're supposed to close one nostril so they're doing two nostrils which makes how do you get any grit how do you get any air to also how did we get there like i don't remember anyone telling me you do one nostril i thought it was just innate do you want to hear one of the most disgusting things that i've ever witnessed in my i don't like phlegm stories well it's a phlegm story so buckle up i loogies make me i'll die i had a boyfriend no phrase i know already the fact you said i feel like anyone listening to this is like how many goddamn boyfriends and honestly guys it's actually not that many it's just they did a lot of weird shit so i rotate the stories in and out i had a boyfriend for kind of a little bit of a while i was just as shocked as he was who would blow his nose no tissue no nothing put one finger and just blow into the air well you know what that's called i'd be like this is my living room it's called it's not right now if we're outside on a hot summer day somewhere he's a little stuffed up like maybe i would get it i'm like go to the bathroom get it piece of toilet paper what's going on like where did you meet this caveman like if there was like a takeout bag or something on the table he would like just go like that and do it and i would look at him and be like people think you're like a put together person and i'm out here lying that's like no it was crazy it was one of the craziest like habits that i'm like where did you even learn this and how has no one in your whole life see this is what i think about men no no one's called them out no one calls them out yeah they can get into these little pockets for years where they're around people that are never calling them out so then here i come and they're like this is the meanest woman we've ever met in our lives like i'm calling it how i see it and i'm like hey just just telling you that no you're so right he was around friends that were like that's actually pretty cool bro and he was like that's my whole thing now it's my whole personality i i've snot snot rocketed before yeah because like i'm on the tennis court um and you're playing it's so funny and you go to the back and you don't have a paper and you just go and it feels disgusting but like you have to and you're sweating and you're crying and you're bleeding like that's just part of the war i'm so happy you said this and brought this up because i used to have a theory that's another thing whenever i have a boyfriend i have multiple theories about that i don't i don't dare tell anyone because you let the internet handle that um i only tell hannah so they're like oh i don't know what's going on i don't know what's going on i don't tell hannah so that we can revert back to it after i break up with them so that someone here has remembered my theory and i used to think like oh did the guys that were cool in high school who played sports do that and you thought it was cool so then for the rest of your life you did that now i made that entire thing up no you didn't but i think it was true and i think it was accurate i just had an epiphany yeah that's why loud short men don't like me they hate you loud short men well you're their competition hate me because they see me and they were like oh she could beat me at sports and they hate that they couldn't do sports and i'm like it's not my fault that i'm naturally athletic and my calves like i have a good vert men don't care about women they don't find attractive so if you meet someone who's your same height they already know she's never like saying yes to me for a day and they know i can throw a football farther than them and they know i could beat the shit out of them yeah and so they're immediately like on the defensive with you but then with you they're not well because i come off dainty but they don't know that i have a mouth on me and i'm like oh my god i'm like oh my god i'm like oh my god i'm like oh i know yeah and then when you do let the mouth out they think that they blacked out they're like that couldn't have been page that was hannah i think the first time joe ever heard my mouth he was like whoa and i was like yeah i'm so sorry for that it will happen a million times again i had a giggler dm me and she goes hey i found my boyfriend's pocket pussy what should i do i'm jarred i'm floored i'm like of course the one dm i open it's the most sexual i'm like girl where you know she goes what should i do i get i sent her back the most diabolical response i go she goes should i say something about it i go don't you dare let him know that you know this little tidbit of information because you might need blackmail at some point then i said if you ever get into a fight and immediately the line that came to my head was go fuck your pocket pussy you incel loser and then i go i'm so sorry he might be a nice wait i love how you go hold that it's like a hold that punch line where you're like i'm gonna do this i'm gonna do this i'm gonna do this i'm gonna wait for like an important show to do that punch line you're like this is good see i would immediately just want to talk to him be like wait tell me the story how this happened or i would cut i would find a printer somehow print out a photo of my face tape it on put it back or i put hot sauce in it but that's like if he's cheating or something but also like look on the other side he's he's minding his own business he's literally at home minding his own business just having fun doing what's naturally done it's the same as a fleshlight i think it's the same thing i've never same company same brand have i ever seen one in person never have i ever i'm gonna say never have i ever i wonder oh no remember that time one got delivered to my apartment and i opened it and i was like what the fuck is this and he was the wrong and you had to look the guy in the eye and give it him i never looked him in the eye i knocked and ran that's how the guy at the hotel felt giving me my thongs from talking to him and he was like what the fuck is this and i was like what the you're under chris do you judge a friend if they have a fleshlight or is that just that's they definitely don't like is there a certain guy who's a fleshlight or it's like anyone can have something you guys would like openly talk about oh some guys do it gets gross i don't even know and they'll say like i bought one wait i love chris he's like honestly it's really gross i don't want to talk about it not to be so pick me which is the theme of the episode but dare i argue it's the same as a vibrator i mean kind of we're both like doing the same thing with something plastic no you're right it's like not good for the environment it definitely doesn't decompose there's a sadness to it though you know what it is it's because like men can jerk off easier where women like we need multiple vibrations we need different shapes we need a rabbit we need like all these do the tiktok of the girl that was like sorry is anyone using the setting and everyone was like no why are they why is it morse code it's literally she's like is anyone stopping that's actually starting female aliens calling for help from a different planet and we're like what is this our third woman of some of the week oh my god zara larson yeah i have a question people do the today show all the time every day people perform every day on the today show why is this the first time there's footage going around of an actress i mean a singer like doing their practice run at the today show have you seen this all over my feed is her face is like 4 a.m no makeup and she's like trying to go through her practice and i'm like why is this being filmed and blasted everywhere what is the like she's doing a rhetoric of the video like what are people saying people are just like getting footage of her doing the practice like a sound check as they call it they're not being like oh my god she no they're like she's awesome but like she's barefaced you just never seen someone practice for the today show yeah there's not why is it just zara larson they have on blast doing that i mean it was like iconic but like i've never seen a sound check i've never seen a sound check either and i would assume because it's so early in the morning that the people aren't there yet to like get footage of celebrities i don't think people perform that much i think they only perform in the summer oh because they do that like outside summer series but still like i've never seen makeupless and you feel bad for it again no i don't feel bad for it it was empowering but i out there because I'm not a morning person so I saw the pain in her eyes and I was like I feel so bad also we ran into my ex-boyfriend oh my god we have to tell the gay wait okay you know when you're walking with your friend and you see someone that's like okay maybe not like aesthetically pleasing and you're like that's your boyfriend like and you're joking you're like oh here's Hannah's boyfriend so anyway me and Hannah are walking on the sidewalk and Hannah goes oh that's my ex-boyfriend and I immediately just think everything she says is a joke so I'm like okay cool like I know all the time I'll see like a crazy man running down the street yeah so I'm just thinking like it's a bit but I but I didn't really look at the guy but I just saw that he was on a bike and so we're like keep walking and Hannah's like no really that's you had zero reaction and I was like that's literally well it's 22 living in hill's kitchen that's my ex-boyfriend oh I didn't know you were serious then I at that same exact moment you're still looking straight I turn around I see him go past on the bike and I'm like oh he's definitely checking to see if it was you then I hear him coming like behind us and I'm like okay just like keep walking keep walking keep walking now mind you so many obstacles I was really first of all I was really sweaty yeah the to the point you were overstimulated I was wearing jeans and it was really sweaty and I had been overstimulated for like the last hour yes and then I put my hair up in a bun which which I never do because that's how hot and overstimulated it was yeah and if you see Hannah's hair up it's not good it's not good I'm freaking the fuck out so I was already like over it and then it was such a like moment that your ex-boyfriend would come by yeah so if I had been like feeling myself I would have turned the fuck around and be like you but I was like we got to get out of here I was like I'm gonna go to the bathroom I'm gonna go to the bathroom I'm gonna get out of here like this is not the moment that I envisioned this is not the timing and because he was one of my good ex-boyfriends like he did oh so like we could have said hi no he's done nothing wrong in his life what is that like this was a Lenore situation this was early in my 20s Lenore just goes I'm over it and I was like but he's like and she's like yeah I don't think he's the one yeah he's fine she was like he's fine you're 23 what are you gonna do date him for four more years get out that's me and the breakup was actually really nice sad oh because like it was just like a normal day and I was like hey so I had a meeting with my mom and and we've decided to never see you again we were gonna have to let you go yeah and he was like so I can't talk to you tomorrow like there was like no bad vibe like it was really sad yeah and I was like I don't let me call my mom and then I was like yeah she said we can't talk tomorrow and like she was right like he wasn't who I was meant to be with but like I actually wouldn't have I could have not gone into comedy if I didn't have to talk to you tomorrow and I was like I don't I stayed with stayed with him wow I think I've had like one of those breakups I think I would have gotten distracted maybe later well you were bored all ready with him maybe yeah I remember like it definitely was it was a premature breakup like I definitely was like the next day I was like oh I can't text him and I'm the one who broke up with him but it was I was ready there was tears for sure it was really sad that's sad but like it was mature of me to be like we need to get more people on the roster I don't recommend sad breakups it felt like it felt like I was running a basketball team and the star of my team he was good he's never done anything wrong we're not winning a championship got it so I was they're like what can I do better and I'm like it's just not it's not championship material you just don't have the sauce you don't have the sauce and we need to bring in some new blood yeah to like get a new team to possibly win a championship one day wait that's a great way that's literally how it was so I actually have not had like any real dramatic breakups one breakup I had that sounds so nice that says a lot about you I think no I have a lot about me shout out all my ex-boyfriends also all my ex-boyfriends like real ex-boyfriends don't have social media that was what was crazy about seeing him on the bike because like he has you search his name nothing comes up and his mom has texted me recently it was one of those because like we never had beef I never had beef with his mom and she probably was like I get it girl but like we're cool no satisfaction like a mom years later being like you were the one and I'm like bitch I know I know no I know so he's like oh my god that's something I don't know I'm like you have amazing taste just not with your son but then also once I had to break up with a guy I had to wait for my mom to go on vacation so I could do it because she really liked him and I didn't want her so I did it while she's on vacation she came back and I had to drop it on her I mean I was right she just was like I knew it would upset her and I didn't want to upset her before her vacation because I love my mom it's funny because I get a lot of DMs of girls being like I'm going through a breakup and very split some are like what do you do to be like distracted like how do I move on and then other girls will be like I'm devastated like I was blindsided and honestly I feel like they should be sending like you those messages because you're more like of a logical breakup where I'm I'm like I hate you you just went through a very public breakup so people are like want to connect with you on it yeah but um no I'm really healthy with breakups yeah where I'm like I've never hooked up with an ex yeah that's crazy and do you um do any of you ever reach out to you like amicably and say like just like been seeing what you were doing like so proud of you I've dated a certain character of guy who again is like chill confident doesn't do social media doesn't want attention when we broke up he was like I love you I wish you the best and then never heard from him again yeah I have like multiple guys like that where I can't that's why I was so I have a couple like never heard of from them again like I don't know if they're alive shout out British Dave like I don't talk to him like he'll say happy birthday sometimes if something really big happens he'll say something that's really nice he's dating a girl in Australia and like we just we always loved each other we just it wasn't like we never even were like official I don't think stop that's so nice we just because we like fucked with each other like it was cool you know I don't have one ex-boyfriend that would dare even dream to dare to send me a text message saying congrats on like anything they wouldn't it wouldn't even cross their mind there are a ton of great guys I dated and then there's some where it's like they know I know who they are okay the shots are yeah this episode took an interesting turn I have the best break of advice okay if you're feeling like shit first of all if you're blindsided like that's not your soulmate right but um thank you now go have fun if you're single tell yourself I'm going out tonight this is the song you put on that will heal everything every time riding solo Jason Derulo have you played that song recently I haven't put it on you're good you've moved on you're excited you're like get me out there in these streets I hate the phrase industry plant because I like don't know what it is but I feel like Jason Derulo was an industry plant he had like a real time happening during COVID like he was really on the internet during COVID he was at a point with his songs where like they all somehow like had a little cocaine in them or like they hit like so catchy it was bad but like like the trumpet song like imagine me trying to pitch that to a room like I have it's just about trumpets and the trumpets go that is a phenomenal song they'd be like one of the best songs on paper sounds horrible in person that could change a party remember he like broke his tooth or something some type of I think he dated Jordan can you pass me that water well whoever decided water bottles should be made for ants why are there ant water like who's like like just have a full water bottle it's not even good for you because it's in plastic and it's just like there's so much plastic all around us I can't take it um I have two qualms with like technology right now one my tiktok is so bad right now where I don't know if it's because I don't scroll that often but when I do I'm seeing things from a month ago oh I hate on my feed and I have like pop culture stuff so they'll be like you'll never guess what just happened and I'm watching three minutes of it and I realized this is from three months ago nothing should be on your feed from April 1st right that never happens to you it does but that's when I'm always like the government's up to some thing yeah like I don't know what's happening the number two I'm like this is bigger than me it's too easy to delete a note on your notes app Hannah I literally thought I got fired from giggly squad last night because I went to add something to the giggly squad notes app and it wasn't there well I gaslit you and started laughing I'm like of course you don't have the giggly squad app on your phone did I just like delete it I think I accidentally deleted it and it deleted you because I'd be crazy with my notes and you know you like sneeze and next you know you have no notes on your phone if you had to pick one your text messages getting subpoenaed your notes app getting subpoenaed what are you picking notes app 100% my text messages are insane insane I don't know I say some crazy things to myself in my notes app they'll just be like that it's not a funny joke like that's what they'll see in my notes app they'll be like I see the premise I don't see where it's going it'll be like her idea when she was high is just chips and dip I think it would be hilarious my notes app but also my notes app what I love is you can go to 2017 and I have like my goals I have like lists of like my to-do list when I was like 25 manifestations or like things that I'm working on like it's actually every now and then when you're need to like reflect on your life scroll your notes up yeah you'll see like a breakup text I always have like my long to-do list yeah my 10-year plan yeah I was coming up with like funny video ideas in 2016 outfit ideas I have a lot of outfit ideas have any of those I've never clothes I want to order stores I want to shop at that I don't won't remember the name of um recipes of things that you'll never make yeah I actually don't have a single recipe in my notes app my problem with text messages with which people have to talk about with subpoenas is when someone's texting me I'm leaning into their side doesn't mean I agree with that well I'm matching their energy I'm not I'm not gonna just leave someone out here on a limb like they'll be like oh these two were talking shit I'm like yeah but show me talking to the other girl right I was playing both sides babe like don't don't put me in a corner I was I was just getting information I really hope that our text messages are never subpoenaed I don't know in what situation that would happen and then they throw this clip of me being like I'm playing both sides baby and they go she plays every side oh I also had a really traumatic experience at the Netflix is a joke festival that I didn't bring out I saw night Chelsea on their show after I was like running away from Maria Sharapova she kept trying to talk to me and I was like oh my god stop I run into Blakely Thornton yeah who's hilarious fun we're vibing we're loud we're kiki and then he's holding a drink and I'm just like I'm have a sip I'm kind of parched off a sip yeah and he's like sure take a sip mezcal oh what kind of deranged person doesn't warn someone that their drink is mezcal had you ever had it yeah once and I said never do that again yeah mezcal if you don't know what it is it's I don't know what it is all I want is to see you at like an after party at 4 a.m like I just want to see what you're doing because but I feel the same way mezcal is like because it's so like smoke it has a smoky but it's like smoked salmon do you know what it was do you ever see those youtube videos of babies eating lemons yeah that's what I was when I drank Blakely's mezcal I put him out I looked at him like I'd been shot yeah like I can't drink anything that has any type of smoky like a bourbon I don't even know but like I'll do a spicy margarita of course I'll do a spicy I'll do a whiskey ginger except then I have a heartburn yeah spicy margarita can be such a bad heartburn to think that you're just gonna get a little like tequila soda in your mouth yeah and then get mezcal and he said nothing he left me for dead well because tequila drinkers are true a different breed like I actually I would say the majority of the people in my life that I'm around when they're drinking is tequila on the rocks I feel like it's showing off like in your heart of hearts is that really what you want get no I don't like alcohol I don't like the taste of anything I get pineapple juice it has to taste with a little bit of A little bit of vodka. Yeah. And ice. A lot of ice. That's like 17 years old. I'm like, give me orange juice. But water it down, please. You're like, do you have any Sunny D back there? I just love it with a little tequila. Wait, Sunny D with tequila would slap. It's basically a mimosa. Like Sunny D with champagne would be so good. Lately on flights, everyone is ordering alcohol next to me. Wait, I clutch my pearls on flights sometimes. And I understand that people get nervous. But the other day I was on a flight and it was literally, I think we took off at 1010. And there was a woman behind me and she ordered the most like hardcore drink. I just like, the way she said it, she was like one big rock, like three. Well, they order like they're at a fancy bar in Manhattan. And I'm like this, first of all. I like didn't really even know you could drink on a plane. Yeah. Also, these businessmen are ordering mimosa. I thought that was for girls. Yeah. Like, why are they taking a lot of people order just like straight red wine to at any time of day, red wine where I'm like, I feel like that's an after dinner drink. This it just wasn't the demo. It was like a 47 year old businessman sitting next to me who's like bossily was like, I want a mimosa and I was like, and then he went to white wine. Then I'm tracking this man's night. Like, I'm like, oh, we're doing another. I feel like his girlfriend being like, okay, well, we're going to have a fight. He was like. He had like he kept switching. I'm like, why are we switching? Like, stick with an alcohol. And then he's peeing like the whole time for the girls who are stressed when you're and you don't fly that often and you want to get a fucking Bellini. Sorry, I love saying Bellini. Yeah, I don't know if they're available on flights, but get it. But it's just the men ordering all these mimosas. And it's like this is a business trip. You do this every week and you always get the mimosa and it's 8:00 a.m. And you've been meeting flights are for girls. Yeah, it's unless you're in a bachelorette or you're like going to. I love the girls on Tick Tock that pack. Like, first of all. The girls that have their little snack tray. Oh, adorable. The girls that pack. There was a girl that made a full matcha. I was like, you're the cutest girl I've ever seen. That's a frickin adorable romanticize your life. It was so sweet. And then there's like men ordering like tequila straight. I'm like, you know. No, I'm like, you're going to see your second family, aren't you? Yeah. I'm like, what are you celebrating? Go to work. Wait, people need to ask me yelling on speakerphone. For the first 20 minutes. Stop. Literally stop. OK. Anyway, thank you guys so much for giggling with us. We love you so, so much. And we'll talk to you next week. Yeah.