Speaker 1Hi there. Welcome back or welcome to Recovering Out Loud. If you or someone you love is struggling with drugs or alcohol, please shoot me a message. You are no longer alone. You can send a message to at Recovering Out Loud pod on all social media platforms and I will direct you to get you or your loved one some help today. There are plenty of free tools and resources for you or loved one to get help. Please follow, like, and subscribe to the channel to help support the show. I'm so glad you're here. Yeah, it's been a, it's been a good week, I would say. I think like my higher power, God, whatever you want to call it, throws people, like if I got anything from that conference, from that experience, it was service. I don't know if you, like a lot of people were talking about service and sticking with new people and stuff like that. So it's funny how I come back and all these new people start showing up in my life, in my text messages. And so I think that that's, you know, I'm still new myself too, right? But that's a sign, I think, that you know, I'm supposed to be doing that. I'm supposed to be hanging out with people. The new job I got at the, at the rehab. I'm constantly talking to new people on the phone and parents and stuff like that. So that's been, you know, really good. I'm getting reminded of how good my life is, you know? So yeah, Bridget, thanks so much for coming down. I appreciate it. I want to tell a little bit of the story about how we met because I think it's important and the universe has plans for me, I think. You know, I don't think it's a coincidence. I was at the airport coming back from Vancouver and I needed to charge my phone or my laptop or something. And I went and sat in the one seat where the charger was and you were sitting right there. And then I had run into a friend of mine who came up to me and started yelling that we were in recovery together, which I think there was a time in my life where, I can't cross my legs, that's not happening. There was a time in my life where I think that really would have bothered me as somebody like outing my anonymity. But today I really don't care, obviously. As you can see, I really don't care because look what happened. You know, usually good things happen out of that. And usually people don't come up and, you know, oh, this guy's in recovery, like we're going to make fun of him or put him in the newspaper, like I think is going to happen. So I sit beside you and you look at me, are you in recovery? Yeah, you know, me too. And yeah, what are the chances of that, right? You're from Toronto. And then it ends up that our seats are like right behind each other on the plane. So it was a cool experience of how we met. And I thought, you know what, I got to have her on the podcast. Cause, uh, you've been sober quite a while now. Yeah. 12 years, 12 years. Amazing. Yeah. That's a half year is important. Yeah. I agree. I'm not being sarcastic. I like, I really, every time I say I relapsed, like I was like, I had seven and a half years, not seven, you know, seven and a half. That was a long, hard half year. Um, because I don't know, for people like us, maybe you can relate. Like I couldn't even imagine getting a few minutes together at one point in my life. So that half year is a miracle. The day is a miracle, right? So, uh, thanks so much for coming. Why don't you tell us a little bit about, um, your story, how you came into recovery and what your life is like today.
Speaker 2Um, thank you so much for having me. Um, yeah, I do think that, uh, it was a little bit divine us, um, meeting in the lounge before we got on the plane and then sitting right next to each other. Um, and that's kind of like one of the wonderful things I think about recovery and sobriety is the way that it connects me to people in the community that I find. Um, almost everybody, almost every single one of my friends is, um, also sober. Um, and I love them all so much. And like, I'm so grateful for that. Um, and actually, so the person who got me sober was my best friend from high school. Um, I, I think I always liked to party. Like I always liked to have fun. Um, it was the first thing that really made me feel a part of the world. You know, um, I was a nerdy, weird kind of kid. Um, and I was seeking escape before I ever found drugs or alcohol. Um, I often say that the first thing I found was books. I would read obsessively. I would read for hours. I would read till dawn. Um, and it was the one way that when I was 11, I could get out of how I was feeling. Um, because the way I was feeling was not good. Um, I remember the first time that I wanted to kill myself, I was like 11 years old. And so when I, I got to high school and I made friends and I, I started partying. It was, um, like my life opened up and I really feel like at that time it, it saved my life, you know, before drinking ruined my life. It got me through when I really didn't have anything else. Um, and it was fun. I think that that's one thing that I, I like to remind myself of. Like I can be stupid, but I am not stupid. And I, I, I drank because it did something for me. Like it helped me. I needed it, you know? Um, and then I, of course, took it way too far and it became a problem and I couldn't stop and like all of that stuff. But, um, before it hurt me, it really helped me. Um, and so I, I just like, I like to party. I like to have a good time. I like to go out. I like to dance. I like to laugh. I like to go woo. I like to take shots. Like I liked all of that stuff. Um, and it didn't feel like a problem for a long time. Um, in large part because all of the people around me were worse. They were overdosing. They were getting kicked out of school. Um, they were getting suspended. Um, they were having the cops called on them. They were having like bad stuff happening and I was doing okay, you know? Um, but they all kind of fell away. Right. Um, and I think that I was just left as the drunk girl at the party, you know? Um, and what had started as something that made me feel connected to the world, um, all of a sudden, like it became the only thing that mattered, right? Like I was going out and I was drinking and I was around people, but I was not engaging with the conversation. I was not present. The only thing I was thinking about was like how, how many drinks I had had, how drunk was I, how many more until I got to where I needed to go, holding up the bottle and like doing the math. How many shots do I have left? And this constant math of how fucked up can I get? Right. Um, and what happened was a, of my best friend from high school. Um, she, I had kind of made peace with the fact that she was going to die. She had gotten into some very hard drugs and, um, it had been like, uh, I was 21 at the time and it had been a few years since I'd really seen her like laugh or smile or be present, you know? Um, she was kind of like a zombie and, uh, we had, we had lost her. We had lost a friend before to an overdose. And, um, so the reality of her death felt very present. And, um, I had had some, I had had some bad nights. Um, I had worried for a long time about my relationship to alcohol and whether I had a drinking problem and, um, was the way that I drank normal and all of this stuff. It was something that I thought about a lot. Um, and I, I made myself a promise. That I was not going to drink for a year. Um, and a little after I made this promise to myself, um, this friend calls me and I, I remember this conversation so clearly. I remember she laughed and it was, I had not spoken to this person in years, the person on the phone. I had spoke to my friend, but I had not spoken to the person on the phone in years. Right. And, um, she was sober. She was like two months sober. And we made a plan, um, to, uh, go out of town and visit a friend together. Um, and she was going to meetings every day. Um, and, uh, we went out the first night we got there and we, we went to a bar with this friend and we were all hanging out and I was so uncomfortable. It was so uncomfortable. I felt like my skin was too, too tight and I couldn't think and I couldn't be present. And I couldn't talk and I couldn't, I wasn't, I just wasn't there. Right. Um, and like, that's why I drank because when I had a drink, all of those feelings fell away and I was able to be present and I was able to be funny and I was able to be real and I was able to be myself. Right. Um, cause when I was sober, there was none of that. There was none of that. And I remember going down to the bathroom and, and staring at myself in the mirror and thinking you can just have one. It's not a big deal. It'll be fine. But I didn't end up having that drink cause I didn't want to drink in front of my newly sober friend. Right. Um, and so the next morning she's, she's going to a meeting every day and I tag along for, for moral support, you know, and, um, I don't have a problem. I'm helping my friend. I'm helping my friend with a problem. I'm just here for support. I'm just here for support. You know, um, I really want to support her on her journey. Right. And, uh, they played this tape and they said, I said that, uh, you're an alcoholic. If you can't stop once you start, which I had known forever, I had known. since the moment i started drinking that once i started all bets were off i did so many things to control how i drank i couldn't i would only bring out a certain amount of money i would only buy a certain amount of alcohol um i would i remember drinking shots of olive oil before i drank to make the liquor like absorb slower um i remember having steak every time i drank so that it would i would have something in this my stomach so i wouldn't get so drunk um i would avoid certain liquors like all of the stuff all of the stuff to control it and so when they said that i was like well yeah like i i knew that and then they said the other piece though is like that would be fine that would be fine if i didn't start drinking but i always started drinking right i always started drinking thinking this time it'll be different and they said that the second piece is that you can't stay stopped and in that moment i understood what had happened the night before when i was having that conversation in the mirror and i burst into tears and i thought my life was over i really thought my life was over i was 21 and i had never had a good time without alcohol in my system right like um it was the centerpiece of my life it was my best friend it was i didn't know that you could have fun without it and um being 21 i would there was not a lot of people around who did have fun without it um and i remember my friend said i'm so happy for you and i said what are you talking about this is the worst day of my life like my life is over right um but she was right she was right because i came home and um i didn't get sober right away i um had a few times where um i thought maybe i can control it um and i would you know have two drinks and i would hold on tight and i would go to bed and i would go to bed and i would think unalcoholic but inevitably when i drank the way i wanted to drink the same thing would happen um and it wasn't until i really got serious um and joined a fellowship and did some work and did a set of steps that um everything started to change for me uh because i was so young identifying as an alcoholic was a little bit tricky i went crazy when i stopped drinking um i was emotionally like so all over the place i was crying one minute and then laughing the next i was so anxious and uncomfortable there were days that just felt like hell on earth and i remember thinking this is not a normal reaction to not drinking anymore this is not a normal reaction to not having alcohol in my system um and so i was able to identify by what's important to me and i was able to identify by what's important to me felt like by what being dry felt like and how abnormal that that reaction was you know because what i realized is how much i needed alcohol to fix whatever was going on with me sorry so you
Speaker 1identified with other people or with the fact that maybe i'm an alcoholic because i this is like i'm so in uh i don't know combat with myself when i'm sober yes the latter right like i think that
Speaker 2if i wasn't an alcoholic then easy peasy i would stop drinking and the problems would go away i would feel better right because i would remove the problem and then everything would be good and in fact what happened is i removed the problem and everything got worse because i no longer had a way to fix how i felt a solution i no longer had a solution right and so um you know i haven't in sobriety like i i haven't always had a way to fix how i felt done the things that i was supposed to do um i and to this day i can still remind myself that i'm an alcoholic and i need to work on that because of how it feels when i don't work on it because of how irritable i get because of how uncomfortable i get because of how crazy i get and like if i ever have a moment when i think it's been 12 and a half years i'm a very different person than i was when i stopped drinking right and so i'm like okay i'm gonna stop drinking i'm gonna stop drinking which is true yeah um i can think about what it feels like when i when i don't do the work recovery when i don't do recovery um and that is not how a non-alcoholic feels when they don't do recovery that is not how a non-alcoholic feels when they don't have a solution because they don't need a solution right um and so you know i it was the first year was crazy i did have to be hospitalized um because my suicidal ideation was so bad i think i had two tools in my toolbox suicide and alcohol and you took away alcohol and it was just like i just didn't want to be here anymore you know i just didn't want to be here anymore um but i got the help that i needed for that um and i continued to do the work and i found that i was able to develop other coping skills and i was able to do the work that i was able to you know fill the hole inside of me that i had been pouring alcohol all over um since
Speaker 1i had been like 13 years old you know yeah wow thank you for sharing that that's um that was amazing you know i i i needed to hear that today i think that piece of i never heard somebody i haven't heard somebody say it quite like that where but i definitely resonate with that where it's like when the average person stops putting drugs alcohol whatever the hell gambling sex whatever in their body the solution like automatically appears and it's just like oh well that was that was close right that was a close call but the way you described um you know resonating with that feeling of you take away the drugs and the alcohol and because i can relate to that when i don't work on my recovery today and it's you know it's not just going to meetings it's not just you know 12-step work um it's there's a whole gambit of things that you know connecting with um a mentor in in you know on a daily basis even i feel significantly worse when i'm not working on my recovery in that aspect than when i when i am um it's like a it's night and day right and so um i appreciate you you kind of painting a nice picture with that um that that's really nice yeah it's like i can't relate to what all these people are going through when i come in and i can relate to what all these people are going through when i come in and i can imagine right like you come in and there's all these old people you know getting sober and have jobs and cars and um you don't notice like the the people in the corners right that are have like that are like you you notice all the people that are coming up and talking to you and um 20 years that's all i heard right it's like 20 years 30 years i'm like what the like why are you still here man like why are you still coming here right that was my first reaction when i came in and so uh i was always taught to notice the similarities and not the differences right that's something i struggle with today um because it's very easy to to look at the differences right you mentioned getting outside help um i think that that's really important in recovery too how did you go about doing that like how did you even know you needed that when did you come to a point in recovery where you're like maybe maybe there's other bases i need to cover and not just
Speaker 2this drinking problem i mean what happened was i was um i wanted to die so badly i wanted to die so fantasizing about killing myself was the only thing that gave me relief in that moment right and the hysterical crying would start um when i thought of all the reasons i couldn't do it and what that meant about having to continue to feel the way that i was feeling and so i got i i called my dad and i said like i i need to go to the hospital i need to go to the hospital um and so we we went to kmh and uh they admitted me and i got some time to kind of level up and level out um and you know i have done therapy on and off over the years um the program 12-step fellowship doesn't fix everything sometimes though like it gets me to the door yeah you know um i think that it can show me where i need to go um and like that's the power of it yeah absolutely you know um and then somebody else takes it from there
Speaker 1but it can't fix everything for me yeah yeah it's a good point though it kind of shines light though on these problems and it's like i can't be the only one going through this right i can't be there's and it's i've learned that today is like whatever i'm going through somebody has done it gone through it gone through worse um i've come to realize that you know the longer i stay sober um i also i resonated a lot with you know hanging out with people that you know were worse than you um we kind of choose these like lower companions as it as it says right and um how did you so i guess how did you find the new community in recovery especially at the age of 21 like what did you do for that how did that happen well the hilarious
Speaker 2thing is that like actually a lot of those people ended up also in program that's great yeah also in program um you know a new person would walk in the door and we'd be like hey nice to see you again um but at that time there were a lot of young women getting sober um and i think that's And... that that was the thing like i thought my life was over and really it just began because we would go out dancing we would go to concerts we would do stuff and i was not doing stuff right i remember the first time i went to a concert and i remembered the end of it and i was like oh this is like so much better this is so much better um because yes i was sober but i was also 22 by this point um and so that meant having fun and getting out there and doing things and staying up till four in the morning and drinking too much red bull and like all of all of the stuff um and i actually found that i had so much more fun um and did so much more once i stopped you know drinking alone
Speaker 1in the basement which was where it ended up it's just different right like it's just it's totally different um i feel like you i had to get past this i don't know it you know i was thinking about it today but playing the tape through it's you hear it so much and sometimes it's overused but it's it's so true like whenever i walk by on the patio and i see somebody having a beer and that thought comes into my mind where i'm like oh what and thank god it's it's better now it's more fleeting it's you know i have tools to deal with it but oh wouldn't it be nice if i could have a beer on the patio like that guy you know and then i'm quickly reminded of what the next six hours six days six months look like after having that one beer right so i just i feel like anytime i'm having these triggers or or urges i just have to stop and really be honest with myself
Speaker 2right and think like i don't drink like the bud light commercial and moreover like do i want to have one beer yeah because i never liked having one ever i never liked having one yeah the reality is the way that i want to drink because i want to get fucked up that that's how i want to drink um my my mom's not an alcoholic at all and and um she stops when she starts to feel something right like that's actually a normal way to drink yeah um and so i at a certain point have to ask myself like if i really want to drink like what we used to joke and say i wish i weren't an alcoholic i would drink every day right you know um and so like why do i want this so badly because if i'm if i have a normal then i should be able to take or leave it i shouldn't be willing to burn my life to the
Speaker 1ground because maybe it'll be fine i shouldn't be willing to take that risk and it's a lot of it is like ego to me today too where it's like i just want to have i want to be able to control everything in my life right and some days sobriety alcohol substances feels like the last thing right where it's like i can control and you know i not that i can control everything but it's like it's the one thing that kind of really took me down where your ego kind of comes in and is like you still have a chance right you haven't lost yet right and it's like this battle back and forth where um you know i i have the opportunity to be able to control the thing that took me down right uh and that's why they say when you come in here there has to be no reservation no lurking notion that somehow someday i can drink like a normal person because yeah to your point when i see my wife or when i see my mom saying like leaving this much alcohol left on the ground and it just blows my mind and i'm telling someone like can you believe that and they're like it was she it was warm like she probably didn't like it right and i'm like oh yeah i'm an alcoholic i'm an addict um i wanted to ask you something because i saw this on instagram the other day um and i i have my answer but i want to hear your answer my total identity is not that i'm an alcoholic right but at the same time it's very easy for me to skirt around that a little bit and be like i'm not an alcoholic anymore at all right there's there's like a balance between that what do you like when you say you're an alcoholic or an addict or whatever um what is your identity i guess around that and what do you think about like because i and you know just some quick context someone on the on instagram the other day was like i don't identify as it's not my identity i'm not an alcoholic but you know what i mean and i was like oh that's dangerous like maybe if you relapsed like i did you would say that you know what i mean
Speaker 2what's your thought on that i think that it's a filter right like it's one of many it's not the totality of who i am right um i am a sister i'm a scorpio you know i i'm a canadian i am i am like many things and one of those things is an alcoholic and um so it is something that i just need to keep in mind as i go through the world it is something that i really need to keep in mind when i encounter um anything that has the opportunity to change my mind state i really need to keep in mind there right but it's just something that i kind of need to keep in mind as i go through the world just like um i when i'm hungry i get i'm so irritable and so angry right and so when i'm hungry i just need to be careful about how i go through the world you know um i it's it's it's a piece of me it's not all of me but it is a piece of me that needs to be present on a low
Speaker 1level kind of all the time yeah you know yeah and uh you know i that was yeah well said um i i think that it's especially true because there's this kind of like i said this dangerous zone where it's like well if i'm not an alcoholic now i have a backdoor right or if that's not my whole identity then what piece of it is me and then i you know there's these like mental math like you said in five percent alcohol you know what i mean so it's like you start justifying and then you're like well if i'm only five percent alcoholic then that means i can have half a beer or a sip of beer and be okay i don't know that's just the way my brain i can see myself like getting into that situation so it's a good point and i like what you said about you know uh whenever i go through really tough situations or mind-altering situations um i know what will fix this quick right and for me it's you know alcohol yes but more so like any kind of stimulant is like what will make me more present you mentioned in the beginning make me myself right you know fit into a room perfectly like a puzzle people are laughing at my jokes more and then i don't know if i look back now that was maybe 10 minutes of my whole drinking and using career was that actually like if i if i looked from the outside and saw myself at the bar i'd probably say yeah like two to five percent of that time was me in that scenario fitting in having fun you know and then it just went downhill from there right um i want to talk a little bit about faith and spirituality i've been trying to incorporate that a little bit more because i love this topic i think it's so important and when i was in rehab this last time and many times before that but this time especially i noticed it you know they bring in people to speak in the in the rehab every single person that came in talked about their higher power their spirituality their god and it's important to me today i pray every day um i have my own understanding of a higher power what is faith to you what does spirituality look like
Speaker 2for sure um i so i've recently been on a little bit of a journey with it um i think i got sober and i had a very uncomplicated relationship with my higher power um where i believe that kind of everything happens for a reason and um it'll all work out and it's all for the best and kind of all of those things right and that was that was proven by this experience of this thing that i thought was really terrible getting sober right and um it and it being amazing in the end and then you know not getting a job and getting a better job and like kind of experiences like that where there was a disappointment and then something better happened um and then when i was uh i so i got married to somebody i met in the program and um it was very wonderful for many years um and then he relapsed uh and that set off over like several years of you know it things would improve and then there would be another relapse and things would improve and then there would be another relapse and um things got very bad things got very very bad and um i got really really far away from um my hair power and from my sponsor uh i think that i couldn't admit to anybody else what was going on because then i would have to admit to myself and if i admitted to myself what was happening then um that would mean that my life as i knew it was going to be different and i was going to have to admit to myself what was was over right because then some big things were going to have to happen um so i was just trying to pretend that it was okay and that everything was fine and um it was very dark it was very very dark uh i had no emotional sobriety um i was just up to my eyeballs in denial um and i was like in a lot of pain you know um and it was a very painful situation uh i didn't want to i didn't want to accept what was happening because that would mean that um you know all my greatest fears would come true and um you know they did right like we ended up separating and um divorcing and god it hurt just just as much as i thought it would it hurt just as much as i thought it would um my life like we had been together for um like nine years um and we had a life together and you know we got together quite young and every piece of furniture i owned we had bought together and every plan i had ever made for my life we started when i was about a year sober um we had made together and i had made with him in mind right and so it was this experience of like i had felt in many ways like starting over you know with my life yeah right um god and it was so painful yeah it was so painful um he he's okay he's okay um but we did we did get divorced i think that too much happened i'll say that um and so um you know i walked away from that uh like um i will always love him we i wouldn't be the person that i am today without him he is a wonderful person um and i like wish the best for him always um and i do not regret getting married to him because that's like so much part of my journey and um there's so many things that i've done that i've never done that i've never done that i've done so many things that i wouldn't trade um but at the same time it was like maybe the worst thing that ever happened to me that's worse um and so i was in this place where you know my life had fallen apart really in some devastating ways and um at that time um i i had some friends who experienced like a really terrible personal tragedy and some other friends who had had some really great losses you know and um i felt like god couldn't help me you know because i looked i think that it's easy to say that it it all happens for a reason when it's a job or even when it's a divorce right because with both of those things there's a possibility of something better coming along right maybe um maybe there's another better job out there maybe there's another relationship or a marriage that will be a better fit for you and um fit for him you know um and like everyone will be okay and everyone will be better off um but when somebody dies especially when that person is young um there's no right there's no this is better it's not better it's terrible it's tragic you know um and something was said to one of those friends um that experienced this tragedy which was um maybe god said to and i think that that kind of became the cornerstone of the higher power that i would develop which is not a higher power that grants my wishes which we always knew right but um a higher power that is inside of me and is like with me along for the ride and i had this experience when i got sober of my perspective changing so greatly that it felt like somebody shifting right like there were things that i thought were so clearly one way and i got sober and i did some steps and i did some work and all of a sudden the ground shifted and it looked completely different like it felt like the facts of the situation were different right and i think that that is where my higher power lies in that power right in the way that um connecting with my higher power can change how i feel about the world you know um and i i think i believe that it's like in other people as well right that this is something that's maybe inside like all of us um and so connecting with my higher power now doesn't mean that anything's ever going to be different like maybe maybe um another better job won't come along maybe another relationship won't come along maybe another thing won't come along that will like make this all for the best but um i will feel joy again no matter what happens i will laugh again right no matter no matter what happens like there will be good things again and um today i feel so connected with my higher power and i feel so much joy and happiness not um when i get to um when i get you know good feedback at work or um i get to go on a trip or these like big wonderful things happen um it's instead when i look up and there's like a really beautiful sunset or um i'm out for a fast and it's like this moment that that's just so good right um or i'm with friends and we're we're laughing and i feel so connected to them and i feel so much love like both i love them so much and i feel so loved by them um and like i think that my life is so full of these moments right of joy that are free that are cheap and that are here all the time right like when i cuddle with my it's so wonderful right um or um it's a beautiful summer day and it's so hot and we go and get ice cream and um it's just like nice to be on earth and i think that my higher power like connecting with my higher power today means seeing and engaging with those moments noticing them noticing them and like really being present for them and really savoring them and letting them mean something you know and who knows about all the rest but like that that i can do um and i think that my higher power lets me be there for those moments and lets me be present for those moments um and like i connect every day with my higher power in hopes that um i will get to live a life that i am grateful for that i am present for um where i show up for people where i'm proud of myself um and that's like full of of love you know i love that
Speaker 1yeah that was well said um there's a lot of good stuff there i really enjoy you know the ground shifting is a really powerful metaphor and i experienced that too i still do to this day some days where you said something was so one way when you came in right and i i totally relate to that like nope i'm doomed like you said my life is over i'm doomed forever i cannot have fun without substances period full stop end of story you're all wrong i'm right and then i come into recovery and i'm wait i could do that sober wait you can have fun wait you can do this and all these things start to and slowly it doesn't for me at least there wasn't a moment where it was like everything just changed right it was very slow and i i understand that some people do have those experiences um i'm sure i've had them here and there but nothing like completely earth shattering where i was like a new man all of a sudden it's slowly in my experience over time one more sunset that's a beautiful one too because yeah i can really be present if i just leave my damn phone at home you know i i can be present in those moments and really enjoy them one sunset at a time one uh hug at a time you know one uh i used to hate cats and then i had to babysit my sister-in-law's cat and it uh it purred
Speaker 2on me one time i was like this is actually really it's so good i took a video of it i was like this
Speaker 1is really where you come home and your dog is so happy to see you you're like what me yeah i'm a
Speaker 2that life is so full of those like just tiny moments and you get used to them and it's so easy to skirt by them so easy it's so easy to skirt by them but like that's what it's about
Speaker 3yeah that's what it's fucking about yeah absolutely how do you how do you tap into them
Speaker 2i think that i try really really hard to be you know this has been a project like being present for this stuff has been a project of the past couple years you know right um of really like wanting to be there for those and um gratitude lists are a big part of it you know um when i feel connected to the moment like really like sitting in it and like noticing it and like taking a minute with it um and getting re like really honing in on the things that i care about and that i like and make me feel like i'm a part of it and i'm a part of it and i'm a part of it you know like i fucking love sunsets you know i every time every time it's great um i love ice cream i love my cat like what are the things that um are not big that are small that i love and like making space in my life for them you know making a point of doing those things of ensuring that my life is full of those things um and also like i had to think there were times when i thought this isn't working you know um and it just takes time i want everything now yeah every time i want it yesterday i want it yesterday right um and quick fixes go away quickly and when i take the time to build something it's sticky and it lasts and i just
Speaker 1need to remember that i really like the i like um you know when you're in it trauma pain and it feels like it's never gonna be the same again and i just need to remember that you know rehab whatever insert whatever here um loss grief depression suicide suicidal ideations um the idea of just reminding myself that this too shall pass and you said that right it's like i will feel joy again yes just not on my fucking time right not on my time but i will get there eventually sometimes i have to beat that into my head right and that's where journaling comes in praying and um because when it's in here it doesn't doesn't work right like i need to get it out there and you know it's hard some days right i'm like some days we thrive and some
Speaker 2days we survive and i've heard people say you know um my worst day sober is better than my best day drinking that is not my experience let me tell you that is not my experience i have had some very very very bad days sober but um and sometimes it's just about going to bed and getting up again and like getting through because the good the good will come again
Speaker 1you know yeah i i agree with that um there was a time when i think i felt like that but yeah like there's been some days i i will i do always say this though that it it's always to at least right today it's easier for me to stay in recovery than it was for me to come back into recovery like full stop today that might change right i might go through something i will go through something i'm sure life is gonna happen and uh there's also a lot of freedom in knowing that that i'm gonna experience loss most you know there's a chance um there's a lot of freedom in that because every day is like a preparation for that kind of sounds fucked up but at the same time it's like life is gonna happen man and you have no control over it that's just as good as the big the good things are gonna happen too right if you had control over them you would sell yourself short right it's we say that every if i could plan my life out for the next 30 years i would sell myself short because i've done it i've done it before right remember what you wanted what you remember when you wanted what you have now it's like i wanted this thing i wanted this podcast to start off i wanted whatever and you get it and to your point it's like what's next yeah how do i make money that wasn't it yeah this doesn't feel like i thought it would right uh it almost never feels good too when i get the job the car that like it's just i'm like oh because go ahead even now when i want things um
Speaker 2i have to remind myself that like there's people in my life that have those things and i don't think they feel how i want to feel i don't think they feel how i think i'm gonna feel you know um it's not gonna fix it all that stuff is not gonna fix it and like you know during those dark days i did not drink because i knew that it would it would only make it worse not better definitely were you close um i had a moment that was uh i was um at a work party and it was a i had just joined a new team and so i didn't really know anybody and um my rule when i was getting sober was that um one person always had to know the full story one person always had to know the complete story because that was a fail safe right um because i wouldn't have the thought i don't want to drink in front of this person and that would usually give me enough distance to like get out of there make a phone call do whatever i needed right yeah um but i did not have that in this moment and um so we were it was like a holiday party and we were at a bar and um i ordered a non-alcoholic drink and they brought it over and it had a straw and i took a huge sip and it was down before i realized that there was alcohol in it and i put the drink down and i felt all warm and this was like in the i was like not in a great emotional place when this situation because i was around a bunch of people i did not know what i was already kind of uncomfortable right like so many feelings um but i was a month away from 10 years and the thought that i had was i gotta get 10 years and that gave me enough space to call a friend and like get out of there and go home you know um wow but i like it was yeah that was very good that could have went different ways that could have went many different ways i'm just imagining right and especially the fact that i i i felt warm yeah you know i know that feeling yeah yeah um so i mean thank god that could have that could have really gone badly um and in retrospect like i should have been more careful in in that you know i had gotten so comfortable um being around alcohol being around people who are drinking um all of that stuff uh you know that's a relatively big part of my life i like to go out i like to do stuff um and so i had gotten too comfortable i think and not recognize the emotional place i was in because i had a reaction to that accident that was big and was not um the reaction i have i would normally have if i was like in a really good steady sober emotional place yeah and spiritual place right yeah um yeah i i think i think too
Speaker 1and i'm not going to speak for you but i'm just thinking about in myself and that because i've my sister's birthday party and was at one of the bars downtown and i everyone knew i was in like no one had known i'd relapsed yet because i wasn't drinking and i was just doing my whatever my adderall and stuff like that and i remember ordering a virgin caesar and i remember her like i knew she didn't hear me but i didn't i didn't like make sure right and so i feel like when you're in a in a place like that you're kind of your guard is kind of down right and you're like hmm i mean this is at least for me if she sues this up right now i'm not gonna be upset you know what i mean like i'm not gonna like oh well if i drink i drink right and it's just because to your point like i'm not in a good place i'm not i'm not bringing my toolbox from from my car into the bar right my my spiritual toolbox my kid of calling people telling somebody everything that's i had a sponsor that told me that too make sure no matter what you do in life make sure there's one person on this friggin planet that knows everything and i'm not going to be upset if she sues this up right now i'm not everything no secrets right and so i try to follow that today and and you know i've often skirted that and been like well you know my wife knows everything but it's like i gotta tell someone in recovery right because you know she's a lot more educated now and she but there was times where she didn't she at the she didn't know that adhd medication could have been a problem for me right so that's my master manipulator it's like no i gotta tell somebody that knows right and um yeah i love that i think it's uh it's super important to bring that toolkit in but also um that that's that's crazy wow so you ended up getting to 10 years um that's an amazing moment um what what does your day look like today what what are like some must do's in recovery to stay connected and stay grounded
Speaker 2uh prayer every day yeah um i should meditate more than i do um i i try and do a gratitude list every day that's really important um connecting with people you know keeping my friends and my family and the people that i love in mind um and being present for them and showing up for them you know that's something i pray for a lot to show up for the people in my life being of service sponsoring um showing up um at work or like everywhere you know um i think that there's so many ways to do service it's not just helping somebody else in recovery um it's showing up for all of the people who are in my life um a really big thing is trying to be the person i want to be right um and like figuring out what i value and what matters to me and like embodying that in every moment that is as much part of daily recovery as anything else yeah and i think that's a really important part of your life and i think that's a really important part of your life and i think that's a really important part of your life and i think that's a really important part of your life and i think that's a really important part of your life and i think that's a really important part of your life and i think that's a really important part of your life and i think that's a really important part of your life and i think that's a really important part of your life and i think that's a really important part of your life and i think that's a really important part of your life and i think that's a really important part of your life and i think that's a really important part of your life and i think as anything else i think you know um that's a really important part of your life and i think you know um that's a really important part of your life and i think you know um you know um you know um really making an effort to show up as my really making an effort to show up as my really making an effort to show up as my best self every day best self every day best self every day in all areas of my life um in all areas of my life um in all areas of my life um and then you know doing the work doing and then you know doing the work doing and then you know doing the work doing step work going to meetings things like step work going to meetings things like step work going to meetings things like that
Speaker 1that yeah i think um yeah i think um yeah i think um sometimes i have to you know just sometimes i have to you know just sometimes i have to you know just service can be as simple to me today as service can be as simple to me today as service can be as simple to me today as like i'm not going to bring my phone to like i'm not going to bring my phone to like i'm not going to bring my phone to dinner right because dinner right because dinner right because that's something i've been struggling that's something i've been struggling that's something i've been struggling with it's been voiced to me by people in with it's been voiced to me by people in with it's been voiced to me by people in my life like hey you've been on your my life like hey you've been on your my life like hey you've been on your phone a lot in public phone a lot in public and that's to your like that's not me and that's to your like that's not me and that's to your like that's not me showing up at all right showing up at all right showing up at all right uh so showing up could be as simple as uh so showing up could be as simple as uh so showing up could be as simple as just for me leaving my phone in the car just for me leaving my phone in the car just for me leaving my phone in the car and being available being present like and being available being present like and being available being present like you said you said you said um being the brother son husband that um being the brother son husband that um being the brother son husband that i want to be when i first came in to i want to be when i first came in to to recovery, I had a sponsor say to me, just always, you know, what kind of man do you want to be? And do your actions reflect that? Right. If I ask myself that every day, like I'm in the right direction, you know, I'm not perfect. I'm nowhere near perfect, but I'm making progress, not perfection. Like you said, um, the other thing too, that, uh, you mentioned, I wanted to touch too, on the perspective change, because that's so important. Um, have you been able to help anyone that's gone, what gone through what you've gone through? Has
Speaker 2that opportunity presented itself yet? Um, nothing really specifically that's mine, but I do think that the feelings are so universal, right? Um, and so I think that I've been able to help people who have experienced real bottoms in sobriety. Um, who have experienced the feeling of their life falling apart in sobriety, um, or who are struggling with their sense of a higher power because things have, that have happened that have like rightfully shaken the idea of that, you know? Um, so i think that those are areas where i've been able to like bring that forward um but my experience is a pretty significant specific one um and so it's not necessarily the same as like you know i remember getting sober and people would say i know exactly how you feel and i believed them and they would say i feel better and i believed them and it was like a weight off i haven't necessarily had that that same specific experience with this um but i do think that there's a nuance that that experience has taught me um a i no longer prescribe to like a really rigid idea of what recovery looks like um i think that what i've learned from that experience is just like how much things can go wrong and you can still be okay you know um and you know i think that's a really important thing to think about um and i think that's a really important thing to think about um and i think that's a really important thing to think about and i think that's a really important thing to think about um and i think that's a really important thing to think about um and i think that's a really important thing to think about um and i think that's a really important thing to think about um and i think that's a really important thing to think about um and i think that's a really important thing to think about um and i think that's a really important thing to think about um and i think that's a really important thing to think about um and i think that's a really important thing to think about um and i
Speaker 1important thing to think about um and i think that's a really important thing to think about um and i
Speaker 2important thing to think about um and i think that's a really important thing to think about um and i important thing to think about um and i think that's a really important thing to think about um and i
Speaker 1um and i think that's a really important thing to think about um and i um and i think that's a really important thing to think about um and i think that's a really important thing to think about um and i important thing to think about um and i think that's a really important thing to think about um and i think that's a really important thing to think about um and i important thing to think about um and i think that's a really important thing to think about um and i think that's a really important thing to think about um and i important thing to think about um and i think that's a really important thing to think about um and i think that's a really important thing to think about um and i important thing to think about um and i think that's a really important thing to think about um and i think that's a really important thing to think about um and i important thing to think about um and i think that's a really important thing to think about um and i think I important thing to think about um and i think that's a really important thing to think about um and i think that's a really important thing to think about um and i think that's a really important thing to think about um and i think i will on the head tonight sober i've done my job yep tomorrow's gonna be different it might not be better but it'll be different yes right love it oh it's beautiful um let's close with this because i usually close with this if you could say someone something if you could say something to a struggling alcoholic or an addict or somebody in recovery going through trauma maybe yep what would you say to that person right now
Speaker 2um so i would say that i think that in my very worst moments um i would have done anything to feel better i would have done anything to feel better but i had no idea what anything was i had no idea what to do i had no idea what to do and so um i think if you feel like that if you feel like you would do anything to feel better and to like not feel this pain anymore um there is something you can do there's something there is a solution you know um it exists recovery exists it's uh simple but it is not easy um but like it you don't you don't have to live in that pain anymore um getting sober was the hardest thing i ever did um but it's also the thing that i am most proud of it is the most important thing in my life it is um the kind of cup from which everything else flows um and i think that i would say that like you know it can't get better and it does get better
Speaker 1um just like reach out yeah beautiful thanks so much for coming down bridget i appreciate you thanks for inviting me i had a great time today thank you thanks thanks for listening
Speaker 4please help us grow the channel and like share and subscribe for more content the discussions and stories shared on this podcast are for informational and motivational purposes only this content is not a substitute for professional medical advice addiction treatment or therapy if you or someone you know is struggling with addiction please consult a licensed physician addiction specialist or mental health professional you are no longer alone Thanks for watching!
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