Get In the Car, Burger King Ballin'

(upbeat music) Hey, I'm Tara Sarabhan, and you're listening to World's Dumbest Criminals. If you're keen to hear about the most ridiculous bizarre and downright stupid criminals and crime stories in the world ever, you come to the right place. In today's episode, you'll be hearing about a Kiwi dude who seemed to be going through a world record by sexually harassing as many women and girls as possible in a two and a half hour period. At there, I've used in thieves who took pictures and shot video of themselves boasting about what they pinched on a stolen iPad, which then automatically uploaded them to the victim's eye cloud account, and more. Alrighty, let's get cracking. Early on the morning of January 24th, 2017, four-cliff driver Melvin Alecky decided it would be a great idea to drive around the Queensland suburb of Red Cliff, and sexually harassed pretty much any woman or girl he came into contact with. The 39-year-old New Zealand citizen claimed to have been drinking until 1 a.m. before getting up bright and early to get a head start on his sexual harassment campaign. According to the New Zealand Herald, the go-getter got in his car at 6.35 a.m. and started stalking a 17-year-old girl who was on her way to work. He pulled up alongside her and asked her to get into his car. He went for the non-threatening victim angle at first, telling her, "Oh, my girlfriend broke up with me and I just really need someone right now." Somehow the teenager didn't fall for that enticing concept and refused. Did he expect it to jump in the car all thrilled and say, "Oh, your girlfriend broke up with you and you want to take your butt hurt anger about it out on another woman?" And I'm special enough to be offered that opportunity. Sign me up! Realising she wasn't buying his ploy, he repeatedly told her to get in his car, but she kept refusing. Just managing to cling to the needy facade he was trying to project, he asked her if she had any money. She threw 20 cents at him and kept walking. He told her to get in the car again and again she refused. That's when his true colours came shining through. He told the girl, "Bitch, get in the car!" But she continued to walk off down the street. He followed her, mumbling about her being pretty and yelling obscenities at her. Although it wasn't mentioned in the reporting of this case, I can pretty much guarantee that he called her a slut. 'Cause every aggro fuck with who hits on a girl like a ton of bricks always calls them a slut when they refuse. It used to confuse me so much. I'd think surely if I were a slut, not that there's anything wrong with that, I would have said yes to whatever tepid jackhammering you were pitching at me. But now I've done more research into the topic of dickheads and in-cell logic. I've come to realise it's because they think that all women are sluts and we're all banging every single guy in the world except them, which sounds exhausting. And then they're like, "I'm such a nice guy, but girls keep refusing my advances." "And it's just not fair, you dumb sluts." Here's a pro tip, champ. It's because we can tell deep down that you think all women are sluts who exist for your gratification. We can smell that shit from a mile away. Oh yes we can. It has a top note of ax body spray and a base note of thinking you, "Heffner was a bloody legend." The 17 year old girl reported the frightening incident to the police telling them that she felt her life was in danger and she was gonna be assaulted or kidnapped. Next up on Melvin's scary harassment to her, he went to a dog park and approached a 60 year old woman from behind. It was just 10 minutes after he harassed the 17 year old because he's got himself some serious, fuckery KPIs to keep up. He cracked up close to her, told her he'd just had a fight with his girlfriend and asked if he could touch her. Possibly guessing the answer was gonna be a hard no, he went ahead and poured her on the chest anyway. She told him not to touch her and to go away. Then the clever woman took down his car registration details and passed them on to the police. For the next stop on his shit show to her, Melvin drove to an underground car park where he saw a 74 year old woman who had just parked her car. He pulled up next to her and asked it as sitting his car with him and have a talk. She was like, "Fuck no, I didn't lose to be 74 by getting in cars with random dudes who just wanted to have a talk." What a heartless and cruel woman to deny the wishes of a hurt and confused man who needed someone to talk to. LOL. Messy Melvin later admitted to the police that he wanted the woman to get in his car to see if she would touch him sexually. When she refused, he had a pissy man-baby tantrum and hid her car with his door causing scratches to the paintwork. Next up, he targeted a 63 year old woman who was out jogging. As she ran past his car, he stopped her and told her to get in. When she refused, he drove his car into a wheelie bin. And she was like, "Damn, he seems amazing. I wish I'd gotten his car. I totally missed my opportunity for lifelong love and happiness. Guess I'll have to die alone and crying now." The Daily Mail reported that Lisa Beckwith told 9 News Melvin then propositioned her 12-year-old disabled daughter. "In recounting her story," she said. He gestured and said, "Hop in the car and come for a ride." "I pulled her to the back of me, then he directed it at me." She told the media the experience made her feel absolute fear and anger. The next woman to encounter Melvin's predatory propositions was Jasmine Carter. She was walking down the street, minding her own business when Melvin swerved his car across to the wrong side of the road and approached her on the footpath. She told the media, "He was holding his arm out of the window as if he was trying to grab me. When that didn't work, he veered across the road and approached another young woman who was pushing a pram. Because nothing says a woman is single and ready to mingle like pushing a baby in a pram down as a bourbon street at 8 a.m. It's like the international sign of being desperate for a dicking from a random loser who wreaks of alcohol sweat." He asked the young mum to get in his car. Of course she refused. Even after he said her two-year-old son could come too, and he could bring the watermelon he was eating with him, must have been hard to refuse that. Following this, Melvin propositioned a 46-year-old woman who was walking to work. He beeped his horn at her and asked her to get into the car. When she said no, Melvin yelled at her and sped off. "You jump slut!" [Buzzer] The final person he harassed was a 27-year-old woman who was waiting outside Redcliffe High School at 9 a.m. He pulled up a cider in his car and stared at her. Then he told her that he liked her hair and tattoos and asked it to get into his car. She refused, and of course he persisted, but after a while he got all pissy and drove off, probably saying, "I never really liked your tattoos, and your hair looks stupid." "You dumb slut." During his two-and-a-half-hour hunting season on the women and girls of Redcliffe, Melvin managed to find the time to steal two chocolate bars and two bottles of drink from a shop. The police were easily able to track down Messi Melvin thanks to the woman he groped in the dog park recording his number plate. He pleaded guilty to unlawful stalking, sexual assault, willful damage, committing public nuisance and possessing tainted property. In court it was revealed that Melvin had no criminal history or diagnosis of mental illness. He said he wasn't on drugs at the time and could not explain his behaviour. His family and friends said his actions on that morning were completely out of character. But of course they would because it's not like he's going to proposition them and try to make them get in his car so we can touch them sexually. Melvin was later sentenced to 18 months in jail, but was released pretty much straight away as he'd already served 259 days. He was also told by the judge to undergo counselling. He needs to get himself some serious therapy to address his predatory behaviour because he was just one step away from creating a catastrophe. Anyway, I hope he found himself some nice guys to just have a talk with while he was in jail. I'm very requested for W90 and someone to vote. At around 9am on January 8th 2015, Houston residents Stuart Schaefer got in his car and discovered several of his things were missing, including an iPad, a laptop and $5,000 in cash. Why did he happen to have five grand in cash laying around? We don't know because it's none of our god damn business, but it's unlikely he would have gone to the cops if the cash was obtained by illegal means. Perhaps Stuart was just a really great tipper. He was less great at personal security and had accidentally left his car unlocked the night before. Which made it very easy for the dodgy dudes to get their dirty mitts on around $9,000 worth of his stuff. The dodgy dudes in question were 20 year old Dorian Walker gains and 22 year old Dylan Thompson. We know this because they have both knuckleheaded ninkin poops. Dorian has the word brilliant tattooed across his chest, but since learning more about him, I think he must have got it ironically. After their big haul from Stuart's car, the pair wanted to live large like the cashed up gangsters they were, so they went to a burger king around two miles from the scene of the crime. Sosage egg and cheese biscuits for everyone motherfuckers. No, they wouldn't do anything so ostentatious to draw attention to themselves. That wouldn't be smart, particularly since they were so close to the scene of the crime. I assumed the burger king workers recognised that Dorian and Dylan were very important people and ushered them straight through the velvet rope into the VIP section. It looks exactly like the rest of the joint, but you can't smell the toilets from there. After they plopped their genius arses down, they decided it'd be a great idea to take some celebratory selfies on the stolen iPad. They sorted through the five-ground in cash and pulled out all the hundreds. Then they found them out and posed for some thrilled winner photos, which would later be referred to in court as exhibit A. In one picture they actually stuck wards of money in their mouths. You don't need to be a germafob to know that's not a good idea, but they hadn't even less good idea yet to come. Possibly worrying that they hadn't created quite enough incriminating evidence against themselves to give several cops a well-earned day off. Dorian decided to make a video on the iPad. In it he introduces himself and Dylan and says they're both from the money team. They flash the cash and boast about how much money they made from a good night's hustle. Then he uploaded the video to his Facebook account and titled it Burger King Ballon. Looks like Dorian is teaching a learning annex course called How to Get Busted 101. Let's have a listen to these intellectual giants telling us how great they are at hustling. Hello America. This is Dorian from the money team. This is my brother Dylan. I'm also money team. This is my good people. It's what we get from a good night's hustle. We're doing a big face band over here. New or we just hustle. Don't worry about no illness. No illness, no fires, no teams. Read it. Big guys. Big. If you hustle, if you put your voice inside, you worry about you and yours, you get it. Yes. That's all you got. Yes. Fuck's with me. I got you. Does anyone else feel like Dorian missed his calling as a motivational speaker? Oh, he's still young. Maybe he'll get there in the end. Live up to that chess tattoo, Dorian. What Dorian and Dylan, aka Double D, probably should have known, but obviously didn't, was that the iPad they stole out of Stuart's car automatically uploaded their pictures and video to his iCloud account. Oh, Double D. There are a pair of tits. Incorrectly assuming that nobody could be that stupid, Stuart didn't check his iCloud account until a week after the theft and was surprised to find all the self-incriminating evidence. He handed it on to the police. A friend of his also posted the pictures to Reddit. It didn't take long for someone to trace the pics and video back to Dorian's Facebook account and identify him and Dylan. One of his friends caught wind of this and commented on Dorian's Facebook, "Yo, deactivate your page, inward. You hot." Dorian did as he was told, but it was too late. He and Dylan were soon arrested on felony theft charges. They pleaded guilty and were each sentenced to five years of community supervision, which included random drug testing and prohibited the consumption of alcohol. Dylan was also ordered to paste Stuart restitution of $9,000. Well, damn, sucks to be Double D. At least if they were in jail they could drink some sweet delicious toilet wine. To finish up, I have a few punchline crimes for you. These are short cases that sound more like jokes than something that actually happened. In July this year, a mugger in Naples, Italy held up a Swiss tourist at gunpoint while he was eating dinner in an outdoor area of a restaurant. He quickly stole the tourist watch and scamp it off, vanishing into the crowded streets. A few minutes later, a different man, thought to be the mugger's accomplice, crept up to the Swedish tourist table and handed him back the watch. He apologized and told the tourist that they'd stolen his watch because they mistakenly thought it was a super fancy, Richard Mill timepiece where thousands, if not millions, of dollars. But once they realized it was a cheap brand, not worth stealing, they figured they'd give it back to the tourist rather than just chuck it in the bin. And they say there's no honour amongst thieves. On a Tuesday night in June 2018, a guy called the cops on his mobile to report he'd witnessed a man performing a sex act in a Sydney suburb. The man was by himself, so unless he was a contortionist, Oddsar, he was jerking off. By the time the cops arrived, neither the witness or the wanker was still at the scene, so they called the witness back, but he was really evasive and ended up hanging up on them. The witness allegedly admitted in text messages to the police that he was also in fact the wanker. To prove he was being legit, he sexted the cops a picture of himself jerking off, which is never a good idea. It might seem like it's going to be, but it just never is. He reportedly made more calls to the cop and sent them another picture of himself this time just standing naked in the street. The cops went to the location of this picture and found the wanker. He was arrested and faced several charges, including obscene exposure, making a false representation and using a carriage service to menace. Interestingly, it was noted that he appeared to be suffering some obvious effects of the cold night air. So the cops must have mentioned in the police report that he had some shrinkage going on. In August 2014, 48-year-old career criminal Douglas Stewart decided to rob his local bookies in Devon. Just because he's a career criminal doesn't mean he's good at crime. All it means is, it's his main job. As you will hear, he was not in fact good at crime. He used to be a regular at this particular bookies and was known to staff there, but he'd recently been banned. The owners even sent him an official letter telling him he was no longer welcome on the premises. So in an effort to disguise himself, Doug glued paper napkins all over his face. To make his Scottish accent less obvious, he also filled his mouth with napkins. But it didn't work. When he wandered in the door shoelace and wearing odd socks on his feet, the cashier recognized him instantly. "Get a, Doug. You're not supposed to be here." He mumbled something to her, which she couldn't understand, because he had a mouth full of paper napkins. Then he gave her his robbery demands, written on the back of the letter that he'd been sent, telling him that he was banned from that bookies. The note said that he had a woman in his bag and wanted money, and that ex-soldiers had the shops surrounded. The cashier set off a panic button and Dopey Duggy high-tailed it out of there, leaving the note with his name and address on it behind. And he's stopped him. Falled his face full of paper napkins off outside the shop in full view of a CCTV camera. And just in case that wasn't quite enough to have him dead to rights, he had put a closed note on the shop door at the start of the botched robbery and it was covered in his fingerprints. This brings me to the end of the episode. Thanks for listening. Make sure you subscribe if you want to stay up to date with all future episodes. And if you dug what you heard, please leave a review. If you'd like to support the podcast, head on over to patreon.com/worldsdummerscriminals. 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And thank you to the awesome and lovely Lorraine Leadwell for running the group with me. Stay tuned after the closing music to hear a promo for the True Crime podcast Music City 9-1-1. It's made by my new mate from Tennessee, Brandon Hall. He's been a 9-1-1 dispatcher for 22 years and he's heard everything more than once. His podcast is very immediate edge of your seat listening as you hear the 9-1-1 calls without context and figure out what's going on as the dispatcher does. Some of them are mind-blowing and others show you to the bone. Then Brandon unpacks the calls, describing the context of what was happening at the time and what went down afterwards. It's a great podcast. It's already doing well but I reckon it's going to be huge so make sure you check it out. Till next time, look after yourself, stay out of trouble and whatever you do. Don't commit a crime that makes you end up on this podcast. [Music] The world of 9-1 emergency dispatching is brutally diverse. One minute you can be talking with someone about parking violations. Which the process we are to take to help people told because it's actually the land of mail. And then all hell can break loose. Then the rest of the day is crazy. We could have murders. Hill counting on one once your emergency. I just killed my children. Home invasions. He didn't make help. He didn't make help. Hi, Sodden. You shot him. He was coming up towards me and I shot him. Natural disasters. [Music] Even bombings. [Music] My show of music city 9-1 will put you in the dispatcher's chair. But you hear to hear what the callers and responders and keep you on edge from start finish. But I hope to both educate and entertain as I'm a 9-1 dispatcher with over 20 years experience. And just like dispatching, every episode is different from the last. Music city 9-1. Real 9-1 calls. Real 9-1 dispatchers. Available to listen to on any podcast app.