Speaker 1Hello, everyone. Welcome back or welcome to Recovering Out Loud podcast, the show where we get real about mental health and addiction recovery. Today's guest is Bill Ritchie, a certified generational trauma and motivational mindset coach based in Cambridge, Ontario. Bill helps adults who grew up with toxic or emotionally unavailable parents break free from guilt, set healthy boundaries and start healing for real. His work is deeply personal. Bill grew up in a home filled with emotional and physical abuse and spent years stuck in silence, trying to earn love from a father who never truly saw him. And now he helps others transform that kind of pain into power. He's the creator of the course Breaking Free, a four module journey to emotional freedom. And Bill is passionate about helping others reclaim their voice and live life on their own terms. Enjoy the show. Bill Ritchie, thanks for coming down, man. I appreciate it.
Speaker 2Well, thanks for having me. I appreciate the opportunity.
Speaker 1Yeah, you're coming in from Cambridge, Ontario. So yeah, so I appreciate you coming down. You know, you reached out to me and said you were interested in talking about a little bit different than addiction, but I appreciate it because it all relates back to addiction, right? Like these are, you know, something that I learned pretty late into my recovery is that alcohol and drugs are not my problem. They're my solution to my underlying problems, right? And I'm excited to talk to you today about, you know, trauma and generational trauma, because these are all things that I had no idea what they meant before. But I'm learning that they play a really big part in a lot of people's lives and addiction and mine certainly as well. Right. Why don't we start? Why don't you explain, you know, your definition or the definition of trauma?
Speaker 2Yeah, so trauma and generational trauma specifically is basically pain that's passed down through families, right? So I don't know your full story, but maybe in a person who's having a problem with addiction, maybe their father was an alcoholic, maybe their grandmother was or another family member, right? So sometimes that's the only thing that's going to happen. And I think that's a thing you see as a child, right? So that's kind of the nuts and bolts of it.
Speaker 1Yeah. And so it doesn't even have to just be like alcoholism or addiction too, right? Like, let's say, for example, you know, someone's grandparents was, you know, extreme example of the Holocaust or a part of the Holocaust. And I'm learning that that trauma gets kind of passed down. Is that right? Like in some sort of way?
Speaker 2Yeah, I can't speak to that specifically, but it's the same kind of thing, right? So like in my situation, we'll be talking more about this as we progress today with, you know, dealing with difficult, toxic parents, right? All that stuff is passed down in trauma and families as well. Because people have never broken that cycle. They've never fixed it, right? They've never, and or they've, especially they've never healed themselves, right? So it's the only thing they know and they pass it down to their kids, grandkids.
Speaker 1Yeah. So why don't you talk a little bit about your experience with trauma?
Speaker 2Yeah. So mine's been fun. Um, yeah, so I grew up, so basically my, my mom and my dad got divorced when I was two. So I never remember my original parents together. And then, uh, my dad got long story. You don't need to go into all of it, but my dad got basically custody of me. Um, I only got to see my mom every third weekend. Right. So, and then when I was about five, six, close to six years old, uh, my dad met a lady and which in turn turned into my stepmother. So, um, my stepmother, um, physically and emotionally abused me for many years from roughly the age of six to 13, 14, when I started to rebel and come out of that a little bit. And then with my dad, I just never felt, um, heard from him. You know, there's like just no emotion. My dad worked a lot. He didn't see any of this abuse shit coming from my stepmother. Right. So it's like, how do you,
Speaker 1you can't even begin to think about how you would bring that up to him too. Right. Like it's so hard.
Speaker 2And the abuser has such a hold on you, right. And all the threats on you where I still had relationship with my mom as well. Like, uh, but I couldn't even tell my mom, right. If I had the courage when I was younger to be able to tell my mom, then, then stuff would have stopped. My mom
Speaker 1would have jumped in. Right. So what was the moment for you where you kind of realized that one, you could heal from this, but also that it was a problem in the first place.
Speaker 2Um, I didn't really, it sounds crazy, but I didn't really, um, figure a lot of this stuff out till I was getting into my thirties, uh, full disclosure, I'm 53 right now. Uh, so in my teens and twenties is when I started to lean on alcohol. I started to just party to try to escape that, uh, even though she couldn't physically abuse me anymore. Cause it's getting bigger. Um, there's still that emotional stuff. And I find like the emotional is tougher. Absolutely. You know? Um, so I never full on got, I guess, um, labeled as, uh, being like an alcoholic or addicted or anything, but I just, that was my escape, right. In my late teens, twenties. So then fast forward, get into, um, my thirties. I got, uh, it was, that's when I got married the first time and then grandkids come along. So then you just, you know, you're like, I'm not going to do this. I'm not going to do this. I'm just kind of play the family game still. Like they, they both, my dad and my son or mother both treated my grandkids. Like they were fine. I never let them stay over. Um, just for, because of my, my past. Right. So, um, to get to your question, I didn't really start, um, coming to, it didn't start to come to a head quick. I guess I, I parked a lot of it. I put a lot of it on the back burner. I never got help. I just kind of dealt with it. That was always the norm for me. So it wasn't until into my probably mid thirties, almost forties that I started to get some flashbacks, uh, get some nightmares from, from shit from the past. Almost like PTSD. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty much. And even then I'd right away, I didn't, I didn't go seek help, but finally I just, I just, just had enough and I got some, uh, went to some therapy, got some counseling. Um, but that was interesting. And, um, can maybe go more of this later, but like, I thought it was all going to be about my stepmother and the abuse, but a lot of it came back to my dad and not being able to talk to my dad. Right. So it was kind of
Speaker 1interesting. Yeah. I mean, yeah, that's, I find that therapy is very helpful. I always advocate for professional help and that's why, you know, I love having professionals like yourself on here talk about their experience because, um, yeah, you go into therapy thinking that you're going to, this is the problem and it becomes this whole other, you know, gamut of, of issues that you had no idea even were there. Right. And that's the point of therapy is you talk therapy is you kind of dig through that and, uh, deal with it as it comes and how it shows up in your life today. How does it kind of, how does it show up in your life today?
Speaker 2Yeah. Today I have, I have a, um, pretty much under control and that's why I want to help others with it from all my experience. But Hey man, there are still triggers. There's still triggers that come up. It could be something as simple as, um, this is nothing against overweight people, but my stepmother was overweight. Right. So I'll be in a grocery store just buying apples and I hear this lady in the background has the same voice, same shape, almost same look. And it's like, Whoa, right. That just kind of triggers you. So in that moment, I've learned now some exercises and stuff that I teach is, uh, just like I have to ground myself. I have to take a minute, take a breath, or even maybe just get away from that particular aisle in the grocery store where the lady is. Right. So yeah, the triggers still come up for sure. On any journey using Uber,
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Speaker 1I mean, that's interesting. I never, I never realized that. Yeah. Like any, you know, in, in my alcoholism and addiction, I've, I've found that, yeah, there was a lot of things that could trigger me. I remember them telling me in treatment, uh, and I'm thinking of this cause it is kind of related, you know, you could be hanging out with friends that weren't using or drinking, but just something about their mannerisms, you could tell they were either hung over or high, and that would send you into a whirlwind of kind of triggers and memories. And, you know, for me, it's remembering, like the one hour of good times that I had with drugs and alcohol, uh, the night, um, and not necessarily like the rest of the night. And that's why in addiction, they, they say, you know, playing the tape forward is such a powerful tool because you'd be honest with yourself. Like how did that night end? You know, it's, it wasn't like, ah, good night guys. Like that was great. You know, in the movies, right. It was like me continuing on the party by myself. Right. And that's when I kind of realized that I had a, a huge problem with it. Right. So you, you work with, uh, people today. Um, you've developed, uh, a program, I guess you could call it too.
Speaker 2Yeah. Yeah. An online course. I do one-on-one coaching and then I want to to um kind of bring all the knowledge that i have from it into an easy online course people can purchase a course and get on there and just work at their own pace and it's lifetime access so you can always refer back to it um but uh yeah it's pretty so kind of putting what in like into a course what i what i do in my practice for some of the tools i would use in practice a little different because you know one-on-one there's always other things that might come up right so i offer those
Speaker 1those two options yeah and like probably combining the two would be the most effective strategy i
Speaker 2guess yeah for sure and it depends on the problem um my main niche my main focus is um you know dealing with toxic parents or difficult parents however you want to word it i do one-on-one coaching with with other things as well but like you know people just stressed out or stuck and they can't move forward but that's my
Speaker 1primary yeah so yeah it's it's interesting i want to talk about um emotional abuse because i didn't realize how powerful it was i remember you know you hear this stupid saying like uh sticks and stones will make my break my bones but words will never hurt me like is that not the most false
Speaker 2thing ever right exactly i almost rather have the sticks and stones yeah absolutely and i think most
Speaker 1men would too right like i always said that i'd rather get punched in the face than somebody have a deep cut at me about my past or something that i'm dealing with or my you know for me like something my body image or you know what i mean something that just because that you take that and then you use it over and over again on yourself and you beat yourself up right absolutely so like what else what kind of um i don't know i guess what what kind of emotional like what does emotional abuse look like you know what what can you describe some maybe how it's hard to kind of
Speaker 2find out and seek out and yeah and uh maybe maybe different for everybody but a lot of similarities with that and i think that's what i'm trying to do is i'm trying to find out what's the best way to do it and i think that's what i'm trying to do is i'm trying to find out what's the best way to do it and i think that's what i'm trying to do is i'm trying to find out what's the best way to do it and i think that's what i'm trying to do is i'm trying to find out what's the best way to do it and i think that's what i'm trying to do is i'm trying to find out what's the best way to do it and i think that's what i'm trying to do is i'm trying to find out what's the best way to do it and i think that's what i'm trying to do is i'm trying to find out what's the best way to do it and i think that's what's the best way to do it and i think that's what i'm trying to do is i'm trying to find out what's the best way to do it and i think that's what i'm trying to do is i'm trying to find out what's the best way to do it and i think that's what i'm trying to do is i'm trying to find out what's the best way to do it and i think that's what i'm trying to do is i'm trying to find out what's the best way to do it and i think that's what i'm trying to do is i'm trying to find out what's the best way to do it and i think that's what i'm trying to do is i'm trying to find out what's the best way to do it and i think that's what i'm trying to do is i'm trying to find out what's the best way to do it and i think that's what i'm trying to do is i'm trying to find out what's the best way to do it and i think that's what i'm trying to do is i'm trying to find out what's the best way to do it and i think that's what i'm trying to do is i'm trying to find out what's the best way to do it and i think that's what i'm trying to do is i'm trying to find out what's the best way to do it and i think that's what i'm trying to do is i'm trying to find out what's the best way to do it and i think that's what i'm trying to do is i'm trying to find out what's the best way to do it and i think that's what i'm trying to do is i'm trying to find out what's the best way to do it and i think that's what i'm trying to do is i'm trying to find out what's the best way to do it and i think that's what i'm trying to do is i'm trying to find out what's the best way to do it and i think that's what i'm trying to do is i'm trying to find out what's the best way to do it and i think that's
Speaker 1what i'm trying to do is i'm trying to find out what's the best way to do it and i think that's what i'm trying to do is i'm trying to find out what's the best way to do it and i think that's what i'm trying to do is i'm trying to find out what's the best way to do it and i think that's what i'm trying to do is i'm trying to find out what's the best way to do it and i think that's what i'm trying to do is i'm trying to find out what's the best way to do it and i think that's what i'm trying to do is i'm trying to find out what's the best way to do it and i think that's what i'm trying to do is i'm trying to find out what's the best way to do it and i think that's what i'm trying to do is i'm trying to find out what's the best way to do it and i think that's what i'm trying to do is i'm trying to find out what's the best way to do it and i think that's what i'm trying to do is i'm trying to find out what's the best way to do it and i think that's what i'm trying to do is i'm trying to find out what's the best way to do it and i think that's and it was coming out of the eye. So there's, there's kind of a positive and a negative to it where if you could also use it negatively. Right. That's ironic.
Speaker 2Cause I, I fought a bit too. Yeah. I'm not a big guy, but yeah. I mean, back in our day you could, you could get away with it. There's a,
Speaker 1there's a reason too. Right. So it's, it's interesting that, and not everybody does that. So what are some other, you know, habits, daily practical tools that people can use to, to either heal from trauma or begin to heal from trauma?
Speaker 2Yeah. Well, it's seeking help through, through my personal coach, like myself, or if there's some really deep rooted stuff, you know, a counselor, a therapist on the day to day, what we teach you to do a little bit too, is journaling some breathing exercises to help, you know, regulate your nervous system. Cause that's, that's huge, right? Like, why am I so wound up? Why can't I calm down? You know what I mean? So it's kind of daily, some daily things like that. I would suggest just off the top.
Speaker 1So what kind of journaling do you either practice or kind of teach to your clients? Cause I know a lot of people that I and myself included, when I got into journaling, I was like, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to write. Yeah. What do you think?
Speaker 2That's exactly the same. Yeah, exactly the same. One thing I'm what personally using a lot right now is just basically a basic brain dump, right? And I use that before bed journaling for those that are comfortable with it. You can do it on, on the daily. You could be on your lunch break and something happened that morning at work. And even if you're like, I'm like, my wife does it on her phone, right? Oh, I didn't like how my boss talked to me earlier today or whatever. Right. Or it's just something you might do more comfortably in the evening. But to get back to my brain dump thing, I, I'm the type of person always have been that I struggle with sleep because the mind's racing sometimes. Right. So when you're all emotionally screwed up or whatever, it's just like, it's called like a brain dump. Maybe you just write on a piece of paper. It could just be like spit out a word, right? Pissed off, you know, frustrated. Right. Um, you know, my, my girlfriend was mean to me today or her husband was a jerk or something like that. He gets some of that stuff out on paper, right? Even if it doesn't make any sense on the paper, you could read it the next day and like, what the hell is that? Right. But that's, that personally really helps. Helps me.
Speaker 1Yeah. I liken it to, um, you know, you have bandwidth like internet bandwidth, right? And you have a certain bandwidth in your brain that you can handle so many thoughts at once. And even from a creative perspective, if you're constantly purging that right. And getting it out on paper and it doesn't have to make sense. Right. But if you're constantly getting that out and purging it, um, you're freeing up more space for hopefully good thoughts to come in. Right. Cause you, I mean, you can, I can't imagine like you constantly writing bad thoughts and then it just keep this just like a never ending flow of bad thoughts. Maybe for some people,
Speaker 2for sure. Even if I'll wake up in the middle of the night, I just have like a good idea, right? Oh, I could use that in the next session with a client. I'll write that down. So you're right. It doesn't always have to be a negative thing. Right. Yeah.
Speaker 1Yeah. Um, do you practice meditation at all or teach meditation?
Speaker 2I don't teach it. I don't practice. I'm trying to get into it. It's more of a mindfulness thing for me. Uh, one thing I am, so I'm not coming on here trying to say, yeah, I'm a, I'm a guru in that field. Right. Just being, we have enough of those. Okay. Yeah. Just, just being honest, but I would love to, like, I would love to be able to sit there, but one thing I do in the morning, so they say we're not supposed to go onto our devices first thing in the morning, right? It just kills your brain. And, it just kills your mind. Right. Um, I'm guilty of it. You shut your alarm. Everything's on your phone now, right? You shut your alarm off on the phone. You check, Oh, emails. Oh,
Speaker 1appointments for the day. Yeah.
Speaker 2Yeah. Yeah. Right. So what I try to do when I first get out of bed, go to the washroom, come back, um, I just like close my eyes and I, you know, they do this thing where, Oh, you know, like that's kind of a form of meditation, but I just do something, whatever with my hands and I just sit there. And even if it's kind of like a little mantra you make up, I don't have an official mantra, this I'm going to do this. Let's do this. You know, like something, something and just repeat it. And, um, I got it from, um, mind Valley. You heard of mind Valley? Yeah. So mind Valley is a pretty big, um, you know, uh, counseling and thing online. So, uh, the gentleman's name's escaping me. I'll, I'll remember as soon as, as soon as the door, um, I'll, I'll email you that. But yeah, really, really good guy. He's, um, you know, you start at say maybe doing it for a minute or two minutes. Right. And then like you count back 60, 29, you know, and you just repeat the same things, whatever that works for you. Right. And then you get, then you break it down and it goes down to 25 seconds. And then maybe, maybe it's just 10 seconds once you get used to doing it. And this isn't just something you should do in the morning. If you're stressed out at work or you're having a moment, if you have some privacy, you can go and do that. You can go to the bathroom if you need to. Right. And just, okay, calm down. I'm going to be okay. I got this,
Speaker 1you know? - Yeah. I love that. I love that too. It's this body awareness, body scan thing too, where you're like, when's the last time you've focused on the feeling of your skin. Right. Even as I do it now, it's just like, huh, I don't do this enough. You know, it's like walking in nature. Same thing. - Yeah. - Well, I do it all the time where I'm walking down and I live, you know, downtown there's trees downtown. You just don't see them. Right. But you know, every once in a while I'll be walking. And if I'm in a good place where I'm focusing on being mindful, I'm looking around and I'm like, holy shit, I've never seen that tree before. Like it's beautiful. Right. And then it just kind of, I don't know, it sets up your day to notice all the good in the world and even the good in yourself too. Right. And this kind of, you know, he talked about confidence and I think that's extremely important. The most, you know, most important conversation that we have with ourselves. And I, I'm not making this up. I've heard this so many times is the one with yourself. - Exactly. - So how did you come from that kind of difficult, traumatic past and start building confidence in yourself?
Speaker 2- Took a lot of practice, a lot of practice, not gonna lie. Cause I would just start feeling good thinking, Hey, yeah, I can do this. And then something in my head would knock me back down. - Right down to zero. - Say, no, you can't, oh, I can't do that. You kidding me? No way. I can't do that. And a lot of that was from my stepmother's emotional abuse of like, you're worthless. You can't do that. Who are you? You know? So that almost, it just got ingrained in me. Right. So I mentioned before, but through sport, like hockey gave me a lot of confidence, but you're not at hockey all the time. Right. How do you get through your day with that? So it was just a lot of practice, a lot of self-care, a lot of commitment to it, just like committing to the gym. You know, I don't know where I go to the gym every second day. Not cause I love it. Not cause I'm super buff. but because i need it you know i need to stay on track so yeah just don't have the magic pill it's
Speaker 1just just just a lot of practice really and and i think that's you know that's the key is like there's no shortcuts to healing it in all facets of life right i love the gym analogy because i can't i i sit here today honestly telling you i cannot remember the last time i wanted to go to the gym it's been a while right but i'm always it's it's this like i'm in a comfortable place there's a gap between comfort and discomfort i have to start right it's the hardest part of starting anything i have to get through that uncomfortable place and then i'm at the gym and i'm like oh that wasn't so bad and now i can work out and it doesn't have to be the most amazing you know um documentable workout right where people are cheering and and i'm like you said i'm not there to get huge um i was at one point that was a motive of mine but that doesn't work right that motivation runs out you have to go to go to kind of push through those perceived limits in life yeah i love how you said push
Speaker 2through it's like pushing through is like the best thing you can do for yourself right even yesterday my i have some stomach issues so my stomach was off yesterday i'm like no it's gym day i gotta go so i went to the gym push through and nine times out of ten i'll feel better after
Speaker 1doing it right so yeah you never regret doing it after right yeah and yeah that's such an important part um so the breaking free course it's called the breaking free course it's called the breaking free course it's called right breaking free um can you like describe an example of maybe a module or something that you know without giving away the secret sauce yeah no no absolutely so it's uh breaking free a
Speaker 2four module journey to emotional freedom um each module has its its own importance but one of the one example of one of the modules is uh one of my favorite modules module two is boundaries setting boundaries and setting boundaries without guilt um that's just so huge and it's just so huge taking the first step in dealing with a toxic parent right um so yeah and throughout the with each module there so each module has explained just a little bit about the course please yeah so each module has a short video i didn't want to overwhelm people with a 20 30 minute video of coach bill just talking about but it's you know uh so the videos are fairly short but then you also have a workbook exercise so it's got like exercises some things you can try some tips on journaling um not per module but per lesson so there's four lessons inside each module um yeah so it's everything from understanding toxic parents to setting boundaries to uh healing you know emotional healing like we were talking about and then the last module touches on those triggers because those triggers are pretty huge but and they're lifelong you know they don't leave you
Speaker 1right uh they don't just magically disappear it's how we deal with them you know we can't control them but it's how we deal with them and it's how we deal with them and it's how we deal with them you mentioned uh emotional you mentioned two good things that i want to get into but let's start with emotional freedom what does that mean to you today
Speaker 2well sure freedom means uh everything and sometimes can't believe i'm here now right because you're just uh i felt so trapped in uh all the emotional abuse i took from my stepmother specifically and then not being able to like um talk to my dad emotionally right i just couldn't go to my dad's hey this is what's going on at a rough day or whatever right so to have that freedom through many years of of healing it's just it's like that weight is just lifted off your shoulders right because i know a lot of us maybe a lot of your listeners myself included like you just feel so stuck like how do i am i ever gonna get out of this yeah that's the big one yeah so when you finally reach it it's like oh and then you just want to stay there yeah
Speaker 1but that's not possible right but i mean it's the point is to recognize it and then to get back to that kind of point place of um to me it almost sounds like what other people do other people's actions don't dictate my life right and don't dictate who i am for a long time it sounds like that was your identity right was was how she kind of portrayed you yeah and then so yeah it's a beautiful thing to kind of break three break free of this emotional bondage if you will and become this sort of new man or woman um who was always there right you're not like it's not a it's not like a character or anything it's just kind of kind of doing that inner work and that's why today like i i find you know i try to surround myself with uh successful people and that's a very dangerous word successful right because it you know to me to me success and to a lot of people success might be that boat or that car or that you know the white picket fence or family or whatever important one for me for sure but success to me is like am i work right now am i working on myself right am i trying to be a better person period end of story am i working and so i try to surround myself with people who are working on themselves you know i don't care what they have or you know but who are they at their core are they do they recognize their flaws and and opportunities and are they trying to improve that because that makes me want to be a better person right surrounding myself with people you know took me a while to get there i would say that boat seems nice until you get it right and then it's like oh i want two boats or i need a
Speaker 2cottage with this boat right yeah also with the just if i can finish off on that if you don't mind uh just also knowing that you're not responsible for their shit another way to put it absolutely no you can swear it's okay oh i try not to but uh yeah so like because in so many situations with parents specifically like the guilt they lay on you the you know you're responsible for them having a bad day right so to be emotionally free of that
Speaker 1now it's pretty sweet yeah and like all facets of your life you know if somebody's pissed off at you it's like this is your problem exactly and you need to or or not you need to deal with this or not um but i'm not going to be responsible for yeah i love you that person's punching bag yeah exactly or a doormat you know i can be a good person today but i don't have to be a doormat i was told when i when i came in you don't have to let people run all over i think there's a big difference between like letting go and acceptance and being a punching bag like you said and sometimes it's hard to navigate that yeah for sure um and then the other thing was boundaries i love that oh man i used to hate that word so much right um what are boundaries you know why
Speaker 2don't you just yeah so so boundaries and some people may think and i used to think years ago that boundaries was for the other person that is so incorrect boundaries or for you and it's a way of you healing and for your own personal peace i like to use the analogy of and drawing that line in the sand right okay well i'm only going to allow you to cross this line if if you're respecting my boundaries right and it's not always the easy i focus a lot in the course on it because um it was not easy for me personally to set the boundaries with my father um you just find yourself um okay i'm gonna have this boundary i'm gonna say okay i'm not gonna not gonna do that and then as soon as they start you're like yes okay yes i'll do that yes right
Speaker 1it's one thing to yeah to have the boundary and then to implement it as a whole other execution
Speaker 2is the heart yeah and a lot of times with a parent we're always told um whatever your story is that respect your parents right at least from my generation right i'm a bit older than you but um so then when you set that boundary you feel guilty you feel guilty for setting that boundary and and or you set the boundary and they don't respect the boundary right yeah so then you're like now what now what so can you
Speaker 1what was a boundary that kind of changed your life or i mean so something that really helped you a
Speaker 2boundary um i think it was specifically like i said with my dad and it was just i'm just i would need to be heard right because this could be a long story here but so i have a stepbrother from my stepmother's son and it's almost like my stepbrother and my dad have a closer relationship than i do so i'd go so for example i go over to his house and it's all talking about about him him him yeah well i'm here i'm your son that's great that you have a good relationship with him right i'm not jealous of that but where's the where's the relationship here right so i had to set a boundary was like i don't want to hear about j right now i'm here if you like to talk about what's going on in my life your life that's great if not i just i just can't just can't do that yeah that hits so close
Speaker 1to home uh i know a few people in my life that have that problem where um you're you're together you're spending time with family said family member and the only topic of conversation it always comes back to yeah other family member it's exhausting it is so that that's tough to to have that conversation you know with that must have been a hard thing to do yeah and i don't know
Speaker 2if he's fully fully gotten it in that moment he was a you know a little taken back and then so i don't want to refer to him as a bully but it's almost like when you stand up to a bully right they usually back down yeah not always there's some and i have some some people i talked to some clients i talked to that just they they've tried to set boundaries and it just has not worked for them so then it's space it's like time out i need some space away from you until you can start respecting those boundaries yeah right and it doesn't have to be 50 boundaries it can just be what's important to you yeah start
Speaker 1with one right yeah and then yeah i love that um the other thing about boundaries too is the result of the boundary is like you said it's it's so what i was taught in treatment this last time because we did a lot of work on trauma and boundaries is the boundary is the the point of the boundary is to strengthen the relationship right instead of you know a lot of people think like you said you draw this line in the sand and you're over there i'm over here and it's going to stay that way it actually brings people closer together can you explain that a little bit
Speaker 2like what yeah for sure because you're you're finally asking for a little respect right um i use go back to hockey again so i used to coach hockey as well and uh you'll have to go back to hockey again so i used to coach hockey as well i have some coaches that are like you got to respect the coach or teacher right you got to respect me you got to respect me but i never believed in that i always believed like i would have a beginning of the year um meeting with the kids and the parents right and i would always say okay uh as a good player you need to respect the coaches and what we're trying to teach you and and whatever on the flip side of that as a coach i need to earn your respect because the respect is earned not not given sorry if i veered off off a little bit no no i know it's good but um yeah so it's it's you're saying it can bring you closer together for sure because that person may not even fully realize like my father was like he never talked to his parents and that's all part of how the the generational trauma can can come down right so you didn't have a clue on how to talk about anything and even to this day it's very basic i'm not saying we have like a perfect relationship or anything like that but finally i'm living in a place where i can talk to my parents and i can talk to my parents and i can on on more my terms now right you know um talk about my brother hey whatever that's great right but i'm here right now in the moment so i think that brought us a little closer to the point of at least he understands a touch better now it's not perfect but yeah it's almost like um hey there's
Speaker 1this you know you're not the problem dad but there's this there's an issue on the table here how can we work together as a team to sort of address that issue right it's not don't make it personal it's not about me versus you yeah right it's let's attack this problem together and then yeah absolutely it brings us closer in the long run because hey i didn't even realize i was doing that man like i'm sorry you know or maybe maybe it's not sorry you know as i know it's my dad it's yeah it can be hard for that generation yeah there's no apologies usually
Speaker 2sometimes if they at least get the understanding of where you're coming from i think that's all we want right to yeah
Speaker 1that it's not you know me versus you yeah i think that's the important part it's let's let's get closer together and you know solve this yeah because there's a way to set those boundaries
Speaker 2where like you don't want the person to feel attacked either even though they may have not respected you your whole life because you come out like anybody right i'll come at you aggressively what are you going to do yeah you're going to stand up and defend yourself oh this guy's coming
Speaker 1at me right so yeah that's actually an important point too is the language around it yes right so what does that look like to you like how do you kind of word that uh
Speaker 2because words are important yeah i think it's using um i statements yes yeah you know if you heard of my statement so i statement something very it's not like um you did that to me and i don't like it it brought me like i didn't appreciate how you reacted in that moment towards me or uh somebody's like cutting you off all the time you could say i would just like to finish my sentence before you know your respond yeah or i feel disrespected i was
Speaker 1taught that i feel too right the i statements are important because yeah you can't argue with feelings right you can argue thoughts and ideas and points but uh you know dad i feel hurt when you cut me off and like i think that's uncomfortable to hear for some people why are we getting all mushy gushy now right but they they're they're affecting your feelings in a certain way and that's if they love you you know and they care about you they should want to address that right and do whatever it takes yeah exactly yeah um do you have any like specific cases and you don't have to break anonymity or anything but any clients or cases that you know really shaped your your kind of career or motivate you to to keep
Speaker 2doing what you're doing yeah um there's one specific but there is the one lady um actually we we went to school together um when i was getting certified to become a coach and when i first started out i wasn't uh in this particular niche of coaching right it's just hey i'm a life coach now and i started trying to help people but uh the more everything came back to me and i started talking to this lady uh she's going through almost exactly the same crap that i was going through that i grew up with uh once again like she felt like the black sheep in her family kind of like i do right so that was kind of a hey and then i talked to a few other people that are having similar upbringings right um so that was kind of how i got into it all right and so um we i did some free coaching with her you know because we we knew each other and we were we were friends and everything like that so it was really she thought it was great she thought it was helpful how a lot of it how she brought out a lot of it and the 75 of coaching is basically listening to people right um i don't know how much i mentioned about my mom but i'm not sure i'm not sure i'm not sure i'm not sure i didn't see my mom much growing up but i'm super tight super close with my mom now right i can talk to my mom about anything she can talk to me about anything right but not everybody has that you know maybe the one their parent their mom or their father they had a good relationship has passed on now now they're just dealing with the toxic parent right so um yeah so so this lady really that was a good sign for me to hey i can help people do this just from my experience and then realizing i'm not the only one yeah because it's so easy to feel like you're the only one that has to deal with this shit yeah right but the more people you talk to coaching or not coaching it's like yeah i got family shit too oh yeah you know maybe it's not just a parent maybe it's a brother or a sibling or something right yeah yeah one of the biggest
Speaker 1things when you come into addiction and um recovery and alcoholism is you know you are no longer alone is a big slogan that i hear a lot and uh it's so true right there's you like i was taught i'm not terminally unique you know um my problems are very universal problems and you know just because the guy sitting next to me has you know been through four duis or you know six lost marriages or whatever on paper it's like we have the same feelings about how we react to life and we have the same solution quote unquote which drugs and alcohol so there's like a common you know there's a common element there where we can heal together now we've been through a lot of things and we've been through a lot of things and we've been through a lot of things and we've been through a lot of things and we've been through a lot of things and we both have a solution to the problem and uh you know we can conspire that way and and there's a lot of camaraderie in that too right so yeah that's that's amazing i think it's it's important to to and the other thing too is like you you don't know if that you're no longer alone if you don't talk about it right because you stay unique if you keep it in and you keep and that's one of the reasons why i started to do this is because i wanted people to hear things that i had to say but other people had to say where they're like oh yeah me too yeah i'm like that you know and i'm
Speaker 2like yeah when you hear that me too it's like wow that makes you that makes you feel inclusive and makes you feel good right there's a lot of power in that absolutely yeah um is there anything
Speaker 1that we didn't talk about maybe that you would like to to get into or or anything that i may
Speaker 2have missed i think you've covered everything pretty well once again i'll probably think of
Speaker 1something after i'm out of here but how can uh how can people find you bill like how do how do
Speaker 2we find you yeah so i got the the course happening but the easiest way probably just on my website uh so that's uh coachbill4u.com i'm also on socials instagram facebook a little bit on tiktok but but mainly facebook and linkedin as well um yeah so under you know coach bill so not to be confused with coach bill belichick from the nhl because sometimes i was starting to all this i just google search oh okay he's he's first i guess he's a little more popular
Speaker 1yeah i mean and yeah for uh maybe reasons he doesn't like to right either uh there's a lot of controversy around that too um amazing thank you so much bill i learned a lot today uh i think it's important to to continue the conversation and i don't think we'll ever completely break the stigma around mental health but i i think the more we talk about it the less and less and the more people hopefully say me too i appreciate that and one thing i just thought
Speaker 2of thinking just as you're saying that closure here um is as guys it is i don't want to say tougher to talk than than few people i don't want to say tougher to talk than than few people or any other but we like i was brought up like you don't talk about your feelings you know you don't cry you suck it up yeah right so that that's a big one too and i'm really looking at that as another aspect of my coaching as well so but uh yeah i appreciate the opportunity i think what you're doing here is fantastic too um and you're you know your prime example of overcoming some pretty heavy heavy obstacles so yeah there is a solution you know
Speaker 1there is a way out. There's another way. And it turns out it's not my way. You know, it's, but there is a way. Thanks so much, Bill. Thank you so much. Appreciate it.
Speaker 4Thanks for listening. Please help us grow the channel and like, share, and subscribe for more content. The discussions and stories shared on this podcast are for informational and motivational purposes only. This content is not a substitute for professional medical advice, addiction treatment, or therapy. If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, please consult a licensed physician, addiction specialist, or mental health professional. You are no longer alone.
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