Speaker 1gcse results can go one of two ways and i think the difference is often within us as the parent today i want to make sure you are the calm in that room exactly what to say what to hold back and what your child actually needs from you in the next 24 hours i'm dr mary hann and this is how not to screw up your kids so here we are it's gcse results day whatever your morning has looked like already i am so glad you're here and i think i want to start with a nod to the fact that gcse results of course it's about our children's results but there's so much within those gcse results that take us back to our own experiences and i think i i i i i as you know if you've been listening to the podcast for a while i'll often ground things in a you know making sure that we're okay so that we can show up for our children and we will talk about that because i think how your child experiences this day is a lot to do with how we respond and i would argue possibly even more so than the results because as we all know we've been there whether you've taken gcses or you're as old as me and you took o levels but our results day still resides within our body in some way whether that was excitement elation joyfulness whether that was disappointment shame embarrassment it lives within us and actually long after the results really have an impact on our lives the emotions attached to that specific day and that specific results now when i took got my o level results it was in an envelope i remember holding my gcse results and i was like oh my god i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry in the toilet at home and then not wanting to come out because i had done spectacularly bad actually i'd gone to a selective grammar school high expectations and i had done really really badly so the feeling that is attached to those results have resided and lived with me and still pop up every time my own children get some form of result and what i would say that's the first thing that i would say is that it's time definitely and the distance that we get to those gcse results and then the next set of results will be the a levels and then obviously if our children then choose to go on to university or do some form of professional exams we know that those results diminish in terms of their importance and significance as their life goes on but the feeling that your child felt on the day that they chose to go on the day that they chose to go on the day that they chose to go on the than the actual results will be and that's what this episode is really focused on and the other thing that i would also say is that for your children this will be the first very public result where they are ranked against all of their peers now your children may well have taken an 11 plus or an 8 plus or a 10 plus but not everybody would have taken it this is the first public clear clarity in terms of grading and status that they are going to be and of course that can bring with it a great deal of joy but it can also bring a huge amount of shame and i want to be clear about what today's episode is and is not so it's not about the grades yeah we can't change what's on that piece of paper but what we can change is how your child experiences the next 24 hours and what i have seen consistently in the last 24 hours is that it's not about the grades it's about the result itself so the conversation today is slightly different from the a-level results which we covered last week a because gcse students are younger they're 15 and 16 so they are typically more emotionally dependent on us or they are their sense of scaffolding emotionally is still with us and the results have different implications you know six form choices a-level options if they choose to do a-levels maybe it's the gateway to an apprenticeship maybe it's to do with college options maybe the next chapter of their school life rather than for our 18 year olds it's that leap into into independence and parents often when it comes to gcse's we can often have slightly stronger opinions about what they should do next which can create a lot of tension between the parents and their children and that can create its own set of tensions so let's talk about how to be exactly the parent your child needs on the day and for the next 24 hours so let's just step back for a moment and try to spot what our children might need because our children have an uncanny way of not really telling us what they need in an explicit way but they do it through their behavior and we've got to kind of interpret and analyze it so i want you to pay attention this morning before the results are even made so i'm going to give you a little bit of time and i'm going to give you a little bit of before they've gone into school before they've opened that envelope before they've opened that laptop you know your child look for the signals that they are sending so you might have a child who is very quiet yeah but utterly terrified so do not mistake quiet for calm check in how are you feeling about today and then really listen rather than asking the question and then launching into the next question or a statement really listen you know you do not need to fix the answer all we want to do is just hear what they've got to say and explore that a little bit further if they want us to you might have a child who okay they're not quiet and terrified but they're laughing it off saying that they don't care making jokes and i would say these are often those teens that care the most and and they don't feel that they've got a safe way to show how important it is how it matters to them how nervous or nervous they are and they don't feel worried they are and with those children we want to match their energy lightly in the moment and don't force seriousness on someone who's using humor to cope but make sure they know the door is open so i know you're being cool about it but if today ends up being harder than you expected i'm here no judgment so we're just opening that door we're just putting that statement out there so that they know they don't need to cope alone they don't have to put this facade and mask of humor because and you might then have a completely different child who isn't quiet who isn't using using humor but who's been supremely difficult and irritable not just today but for days possibly even the whole of the summer holidays yeah they're snappy they pick fights with you their siblings with anyone they're seemingly unreasonable and those children are almost certainly anxious and worried you know it's really really really hard but try not to take it personally and try not to still be annoyed about it today but really try and reframe that whatever your child's behavior whether it's quiet whether they're using humor to deflect whether they're saying they don't really care whether they're being supremely difficult these are mechanisms that they are employing right now to cope with something that they have never had to deal with before a public statement of their academic capabilities and their academic behavior over the last couple of years so we just want to be watching out and for the one who appears fine when they might not be a child who gets worse results than expected and maybe responds with a bright smile and says it's fine honestly they may be protecting not only their own feelings but ours so we want to check in with them more than once over the next few few days so let's talk a little bit about where these different responses come from before i launch into the five tools for you to be able to use you know why does our response matter so much so let me give you the psychology underneath it so it makes it easier to understand and hopefully helps you kind of reframe and reset the context so at 15 and 16 children are in the thick of their identity formation building a story about who they are and what they are capable of gcse results are one of the first formal external pieces of feedback that they receive on that story if the message they get is your value depends on this number that message does not stay in the exam room it comes home with them now attachment theory tells us something about your value it's not just a number it's a number it's a number so securely attached children children who know they are safe loving non-conditional relationship with their parents they are better able to cope with disappointment setbacks and uncertainty so when we talk about a secure attachment we talk about an attachment style that a young person has with their parent where they feel that their emotional needs are met that we are responsive to their emotional needs this is not about providing them with an enriching environment and lots of extracurricular activities. holidays, clothes, things. This is simply, does this adult meet me where I'm at? Do they openly talk about, acknowledge my emotions and feelings and respond appropriately? We know that securely attached children typically cope better with disappointment and setbacks and uncertainty because they've got evidence that they are loved regardless of their performance. And that evidence is protective. So today, we really want to, in every aspect of what we see, what we do, what we say, and also I'd caveat that with our facial expressions, because we want that congruence. Today is not just a day about grades. We want to ensure that today we're adding yet more evidence to demonstrate clearly and warmly that the relationship that we have with our children now and for always does not depend on the result. Now, there's also what I would add to this in terms of the, you know, we've talked a little bit about, you know, the first time they're getting this public demonstration of their capabilities. We've talked about secure attachment, but there's also a practical neuroscience point worth making. When teenagers are in acute stress, which they are going to be because they're anticipating something that is a public judgment, their prefrontal cortex, so that part of the brain behind their forehead, which is responsible for rational decision-making, planning, and emotional regulation, is less effective. When we're stressed, we don't sort of access that part of the brain as easily. It is not a character flaw that they have. It's biology. A stressed teenager cannot think clearly about the next steps. So this is another reason why slowing things down today, and making decisions tomorrow, makes sense. So we've got some context here. We've identified what kind of teen we think our child is in terms of how they respond to that stress. So these are the five tools. Number one, let them open it first. So whether it is an email, an online portal, or a physical envelope, let your child open it, or look at it first, or decide who is with them in that situation. So let them open it first. Number two, let them open it first. So whether it is an email, an online portal, or look at it first, or decide who is with them in that situation. Number three, let them open it first. It is their result, their experience of this moment belongs to them. Hovering over their shoulder or reaching for the paper before they've had a chance to process it, even from excitement or love, can make them feel like their reaction needs to be performed for you, rather than felt for themselves. So we want to step back, we want to let them have that first moment, because we'll get ours, but we need to give them that opportunity. To be able to do that. And what I would also say within that, is we also want to ensure that they choose how they want to receive that. Now, they may have already had made that decision. But if, for example, they've got, they go to school, and that's how they collect their results, they get to choose, you know, it doesn't become a family outing, they get to choose who they want to go with them, they get to choose whether you stay in the car as they go in, and they get to choose whether they pick up that envelope, take it unopened back in the car, back home, and then hold themselves up in the car. This is all about how they need to open that, get the results, and then what they need in terms of processing it, before we then are able to step in and ask. Number two is ask how they feel before you say anything else. Because what this does is it really grounds in the, as I said with the A-level, we want to do the feelings first, and then the facts later. So whatever is on the. Your first question is not, what did you get? Your first question is, how do you feel? Not, are you happy? Not, are you pleased? Open, curious, genuinely interested in their experience, not the result. And this matters because results and feelings are not always aligned. A child who gets better than expected might burst into tears, relief, surprise, the release of weeks of tension. A child who gets what they expected might feel flat, or maybe strange, or not as happy as they thought they would. And a child who gets worse than expected might laugh. Give them room for whatever they actually feel, not what you expect them to feel. So we want to ask those. Keep that mantra in your mind. Feelings first, facts second. Number three, do not compare. And I know this is really hard. So some of you who will be listening will be expecting twins to get results. You may well have cousins, neighbors, your best friend's child also getting their results. So do not compare. Not to their sibling, not to their cousin, not to your own results when you were their age. Even if you're trying to use that as a comparative to say, well, goodness me, I failed all of mine, or I did really badly. Not to what their friend got, or not even what you thought they would get. No comparisons. Yeah? So they did better than, they didn't do quite, no comparisons. Even the well-intentioned comparison. You know, your sister struggled with her GCSEs too. It's isolating. It makes your child feel like their experience is being measured against someone else's, rather than being seen for what it is. Their experience, their GCSE results. This is their result. This day is about them. And we want to keep it that way with that focus on them entirely. So number three, do not compare. Food and physical comfort are not small things. Yeah? So this might seem an odd thing to put in a psychology podcast, but the nervous system regulates through the body. A shared meal, a hug, a walk together. These are not trivial responses to a significant emotional day. They're genuinely helpful. A stressed nervous system is harder to soothe through words alone. We need some physical warmth. We need to be able to talk to each other. We need some physical movement. We need food. All of these will support the body's return to a regulated state. We need those to go from sympathetic nervous system to parasympathetic, which is our rest and restore. You do not need to fix everything with a conversation. Sometimes the most useful thing is just being physically present and making sure they have eaten something. So something along the lines of, come on, let's go and get something to eat and we can talk or not talk, whatever you need. Keeping it really light. That focus. Feelings first, facts later. Delay trying to problem solve and fix immediately. Tool number five, school and sixth form conversations happen this week, not necessarily today. Now, if results have affected their sixth form plans, whether that is a school place, a college application, a course choice, an apprenticeship, of course, we need to have those conversations. GCSE results do have, obviously, practical implications that we need to address. But I'd argue not today. Allow your child to process today rather than deflect the feeling and move straight into because it's almost like we bulldoze the feelings. And if we don't give our child and our teen time and space to process that, it bites them on the bum later, even if that time and space to process are results that are way beyond our control. We want to validate the feelings. Today is about their feelings. Today is about processing, acknowledging, discussing or not discussing. But let's not plow straight through those feelings and start fixing and working on other things yet. Their brain is not ready to make good decisions. The school or the college will still be there tomorrow. The deadline is almost certainly not yet. Not going to be today. Yeah, so we might say things like, we're going to sort everything out. I promise. Just not right now. Today, we just want to get, we just want to process today, get through today, work through what you need today. It's about keeping them grounded with those feelings so that they don't bulldoze them. And if your child is desperate to tackle the practicalities immediately, and some children are, because action feels like control, we can gently support that. But if they're distressed, we want to protect today and start the practical conversations tomorrow. And just challenge if they want to bulldoze if they are keen to do that, particularly, because for a lot, this action feels like control, and sitting with the discomfort of difficult emotions. And those, as I said, those difficult emotions can be difficult emotions, because they've done better than they expected to do. But we really want them to be able to sit and process that, rather than to just swiftly move on to fixing. So those are the five tools. Now, most children will be okay. They will feel the feelings and then they will move forward. Teenagers can be more resilient than we sometimes give them credit for, particularly when they feel supported and acknowledged, and their feelings are heard. But watch for signs that the distress is not passing. If in the days after results, your child becomes significantly withdrawn, stops eating, avoids friends, expresses a lot of shame or self criticism. I am stupid. I am a failure. What is the point? Take that seriously and act on it. Speak to your GP if you're really worried so that you can help provide that support. Results day does not cause mental health difficulties on its own but for a child who has maybe already been struggling quietly under the surface it can be the tipping point. Trust your instincts, you know your child. So that's everything for today and as I will always say be as kind to yourself as you're trying to be to your children. You don't have to get it right every time and the fact that you're here learning and growing already says a lot. For more episodes and all the resources to support you head to drmaryhan.com. I'm Dr Mary Han, take good care of yourself. I'll see you on Monday. you
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