Gary Owen on Fatherhood, Comedy & Starting Over | Whiskey Ginger

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Tis your season to mix it up. Welcome back to Whiskey Ginger, a wave series. Hey there, Whiskey Ginger fans. I'm adding dates right now. I just had a call with my agent, my agent. And he was like, when are you going to get back out there, kid? And I said, I'm on my way, pal. We got one show booked right now, March 27th. March 27th, I am at the Cosmo in Las Vegas. Las Vegas. Come out and get married. Come to my show, have a good time, and say hi to me. March 27th, out there in Las Vegas. And then we're adding a ton of dates. I think I'm doing like 15 or 20 cities. I might be doing a couple with Adam Ray. Whoa, maybe, maybe not. Who knows? Should I have leaked that? Who cares? Anyway, go to andrewsantino.com for those tickets. andrewsantino.com In here, we pour whiskey. Whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You are that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey. It's $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean him once again today. It is Gary Owen. Thank you. Excuse the crackle in my voice. I have a little sinus infection. I'm fighting off from traveling nonstop around this globe, as you always do. Gary's back. This is your second time on the show. It's been about two and a half years. First time you led. You said the N-word right out the gate, so that was kind of wild. I don't know if you want to do that again. No, I'm going to pass. That was a bad move. Bad move. Got away with it. You're regarded. You do. You do. You're regarded as the king of the white-black comics. Am I? To us, you are. If somebody in the comedy world goes, Gary, and you go, yeah, he does all black rooms. I go, no, he does other rooms too. You go, yeah, but he's one of the only comics that can sell out black rooms. White comics. Yeah, yeah. Do you know another? There's been a. a shift over the last couple years since I last was on here. Well, you've gotten more white audiences? Huge. You're welcome. Yeah, thank you. Show starting on time. You know what I do well? Honestly, I do well in all the Latino heavy markets. So we do great in those. Like, Bob and I, because of bad friends. Bob. Bobby. Who's that? Robert Lee, the little Chinese kid. The fat Chinese guy. Hey, I thought you were on the road with the Nero. Like, man, are you calling him Bobby now? Yeah. Yeah, Bob and I are on tour. No, Pesci and I usually do a little side tour. No, but Bobby and I, because of bad friends, I think on its basis in L.A., we do get a ton of Mexican fans. Like, Mexicans, they fucking love us. Man. Because Mexicans like raw, stupid, dirty humor that whites kind of are like, oh, no. And they don't get offended. No, fuck no, they don't. They're the best audiences. Yeah, and so, like, white people get, like, a little, like, ugh. And black people are like, ooh, that's nasty. Like, we're too nasty for black people. And we're too cringy for white people. But Mexicans are like, you're funny, fucking dude. You're fucking wild as shit. They love it. They fucking love it, dude. Hey, do you ever wonder why there's no, like, nobody does comedy in Mexico? Well, yeah, Mexico City would be huge. I would love to do it down there. Yeah, you could do it down there, for sure. You would think, but you'd never hear anybody going, like, at all to do shows there. Because you probably got to, who's the promoter? The cartel? I know, that's what I'm saying. It's kind of odd, though, if you think about it, to have such a strong market in the States and say Mexicans. Yeah. And then nobody goes to Mexico to perform. Does Live Nation have a Mexico City? I'm sure for musicians they do. But comics, we just don't. Yeah. I'm sure musicians play Mexico City. That's probably a huge hub for. I'm sure. But yeah, a cartel, you probably got to pay off some people to get down there, bro. That's all right, though. Yeah, I'll do it. Hey, when I first started, some of the best promoters were drug dealers. Yeah, well, it's still there. Those are those mom and pop clubs are still sprinkled through the, whatever levity hasn't bought, there's still mom and poppy drug dealer clubs that are still out there. There was a run. And obviously you never did it. I was probably the only white guy that did it. But all the black comics did it. It was a run through Oklahoma. And it was four cities. It was, you'd fly to Oklahoma City and then you'd do Tulsa, Wichita, Lawton, and then you'd end in Oklahoma City on Sunday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. And when you were on that run, you're like, I don't think this is legit. It was like four SUVs. You got paid in cash. You know what I mean? They didn't care if there was 100 people or 10,000. That money was the same and you was getting cashed. That guy never shorted your money. That's good though. I kept looking back on that. That was like 98. I was like, I think he was cleaning his money out through us. You were a way to get away from the dirty money. He was selling on the side and he was going to pay these comics out. Easy money. Every city we go to an urban fashion store and we go shopping and it was like nothing. You get like all these FUBU outfits and Sean John. Kangol hats. And it was. It was like, yeah, $35. You give us, you give us a little bit of money. We're going to pay you back cash. So you were the only white comic. Was it like a bunch of black comics and you doing this run? Yeah, I remember, but there were some big ones when I did it. Like I remember one run, it was me, Lavelle and Ricky Smiley, but nobody knew who we were back then. Right. Really wild. AJ Sanders was on there. I mean, she was like a big name cause she was coming off the a different world. Yeah. It was like, you know, it was just a run. You look back on your career, you got those, you have to, you do, you have to do them. We, I, white guys did Tribble runs. Do you know what that was? Tribble? No. Tribble. There was a guy named Dave Tribble who, uh, I feel like it was like late nineties, early two thousands, and then carry, it started to die off, but it was like Winnemucca, Nevada, or you do Montana, Idaho. You did like a Northwest run and it was real sad. And you'd have to drive like nine hours in between the gigs, but you'd have to get there the next day. So you'd get paid, you'd party all night. As hard as you could, you'd stay up all night. You get a couple hours of sleep, you get in your car and you have to drive seven, eight hours to the next gig and do it all over again for five days. And you probably, I probably walked away with a couple hundred bucks max by the time I got home with gas and everything. Oh, I remember that Oklahoma run. I remember when he called me, he was like, yeah, boss, uh, gear is 1500. And I was like, what? I thought, oh my God, I made it. Yeah. We're rich, we're rich. Yeah, it's 1500, 460. And then, and you know, you're just flying Southwest to get to Oklahoma city and then he's getting the hotel. So you had to get your flight, but you got your hotel, but I'll never forget it was 1500. I was like, dude, call me anytime. I was like, oh my God, I'm going to Jerry's deli. Food's on me, fellas. Monster ball right here. Who wants a tuna melt? What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? Little shishuska. No, that, but that's also when guys, I heard pre, this is pre my time, but I heard guys got paid. Someone get paid in drugs. They'd go, yeah, I'll give you a discount. Cash. And then I'll give you a little bag if you want on the side. Oh, wow. Yeah. That wasn't, you didn't dabble. No, I mean, that wasn't, I don't, that wasn't me either, but I heard the rumors of guys that would go, yeah, he'll give you three 50 for the gig, but then you could take, take a little off the top and he'll give you a bag. Get an eight ball, three 50 and an eight ball. Not for me. No, not for me. No, I never was in the, the, I never got into the drug scene. You don't ever, you don't smoke weed at all. No, nothing. I mean, obviously I've never, the only drug I've ever tried is weed. Yeah. And then the few times I did it, I go, I don't get it. I didn't like it. Nah, I always, I always felt like my throat was raspy and I go, this ain't worth it. Like I'm getting, I'm a stand up. I need this throat. Yeah. Nothing. You never tried anything when you were a kid. You're a Cincinnati boy, right? Yeah. It was all around you for sure. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. That was the, people don't know like that's Cincinnati, Northern Kentucky, um, Indiana area. That's the, uh, Guinea, pig where people run the, uh, the, the heroin and the fentanyl through before they send it up to Detroit or Chicago. You guys are the test. We're the test ones. Cause I, I, you know what? My brother passed it away of a drug overdose. I kind of got educated in it. Right. Cause you know, heroin is like a daytime drug. Nobody's doing heroin at the club. I think it's an all time drug. Yeah. But it's definitely a morning. I've seen it. It's a morning. You wake up and go to work. Yeah. Hey, we're going to the club. All right, let me shoot up real quick before we go out. But, um, yeah, so they would do, you know, you got DUI checkpoints. Yeah. They were having like basically heroin checkpoints, but they were in the morning because they, these, these white kids will come out of the suburbs or Kentucky and they're going to downtown Cincy in the hood to get their shit and they're taking the beltway. So that it was like a, I don't know, it was a whole racket cause cops were reaching out to me when my brother passed and telling me everything, you know, about that, that world says, yeah, we do, we do like the heroin checkpoints. And you, they always know, they said, you could tell just like you could stereotype black people, tenant windows, nice car. you know what i mean they'll pull them over this it's got to be a ball player or drug dealer i could see cops stereotyping right same thing with the thing if they see like four kids in pajamas going to the wrong neighborhood they're like yeah they're probably about to shoot up or grab some why are these kids up at 4 30 in their pajamas all half asleep in the car that's sad dude how old was your brother when he died oh let me see that god that was 11 years ago so 81 he was 33. damn 33. wild that's sad i'm sorry yeah yeah it's uh it's sad but um god he had got some great stories you know when you got when you got a heroin addictive brother yeah i mean you the stories he would tell me give us some so okay so i had my other brother also was using and dealing right so you were the baby yeah no i was the oldest really by a lot the oldest didn't do anything and the young ones got in trouble the young one did but we had different dna their dad was in and out of they had the same father they had the same dad i had a different dad yeah so um so i got dallas and kyle are the names dallas wanted to pass away kyle's the one that's still alive but he uh dallas goes man gary i think i think kyle's mad at me i said why he'd always call and want me to come talk so i'd go see him wherever he was at and go talk we live in the same city at the time so i said um why he goes man he gave me all this weed and it's worth a thousand dollars and he got it for 500. he goes so if i could sell it i could get a thousand kyle was like just give me the 500 i'll break even and you can have 500. i said wow that was very generous of him knowing he probably stole it you know what i mean yeah so i said well why is he mad at you he goes man he ended up giving him most of it away and smoking the other part of it he goes i just i don't have it you know the drugs are gone now kyle's mad at me because now i didn't go well do you need 500 to give the kyle goes no i'm good i'm good i'm good i'll figure it out he goes man it's almost like an epiphany he goes man gary you know what i don't know what i want to do in life but i am not a good drug dealer when i tell you the sincerity though yeah it was like yeah i don't know where i'm headed but this is not the route like that's a testament he's like look i tried the drug dealing thing i smoked all my and it's just not going to work out for me that was very popular for three weeks that's why i'm applying for a job here at walgreens i just figured this is going to be easier than selling drugs i sold a little bit of drugs in high school but just weed just weed only so we could smoke for free that's what we did i did that i loved that yeah i would get enough weed so we could sell some of it then the money we made on selling it we just continued to be able to buy it so we would smoke for free you would yeah you probably would be good friends with my brother yeah yeah well i would have taught him what to do yeah you got that dallas yeah we used to keep it in our um you know remember the removable stereo faces you know like the a was you could pop off remember those hold on i've got a story on those yeah so that's where the cds went in right you pop it off well you take the face off so no one could steal the deck yeah yeah so right when um right when cds were coming in right i uh and cassette tapes were going out yeah i got robbed and somebody i didn't get robbed somebody broke it on my car in san diego right and they took all the all my cassettes out cassettes because i had like an old bill cutlass right and i'm telling you this was probably mid-90s cutlass supreme or just cutlass just also bill cutlass it was an 85 had the white walls couldn't get that rag top yeah you know the rest but they they stole what what was that what the was that crazy and i'm i'm doing this i'm doing a joke about a system and a car drives by dude that was wild was that right outside yeah so the um they steal all my cassettes remember you had the sleeve of cassette tape oh yeah dude they took all the cassettes they took the radio out and everything and it was hysterical because i was like everything they stole i was literally had an appointment at remember good guys oh yeah i had an appointment at good guys to get the cd player put into the car and take the cassette out because everybody was transitioning i go yeah these dumbasses took i didn't even want these took out your trash they brought my car and i was like i was already switching out this week and nobody was using consents anymore those those days though of the of of making sure you didn't leave your in your car because when i did go to cds when i first moved to culver city i had my big book of all my cds that i'd had for a long time and my car got broken into and they stole like 40 cents out of my console and my book of cds and that killed me because i need i loved those man that was like that broke my soul i was like there was so much work i put into that collection of cds that's if you burn it yourself oh so many of them were burned so many of them were burned man that was like at the height of burning and trading and people being like yo have you heard have you had that do you have this mix do you have this mix and i got that stolen and i was like man culver city and now culver city by the way one of the nicest neighborhoods yeah this is like so like kids like his age like mid-20s they move there because it's hip and cool that's where he shot think like a man really the entire movie was culver city city high was where the basketball scenes were rush street was the bar where we shot everything at that's all that's gone now rush street's gone yeah that's gone wow our trailers were all lined up on that road by that movie theater yeah yeah right behind like behind where the elementary school is and all that right in the back of that movie theater right i don't know about the elementary school it's right behind that little complex right back okay that's right that's where i used to park because if i if i had because i didn't want to pay for parking so i'd park at the school because they weren't going to tell you at the school they would think that's maybe a teacher's car but it was a hyundai sonata you were like that's got to be a teacher's car there's no doubt about it it wasn't a nice enough car where they'd be like this is not a teacher it was obviously a teacher yeah i used to i used to hide my weed in the in the case face and i would bring it into into school which was so dumb i should have been caught so many times but we got to if you were an athlete if you played a sport you always got the you're all good in the midwest dude i grew up in chicago if you if you're in the midwest and you play the sport cops let you go they nobody cared like remember the titans remember when he pulled him over yeah that's the best he's ever seen in 20 years thanks like get out of here kid i know your uncle get out of here my my cousin god i feel like i'm just talking about a family full of drug addicts now my cousin everybody knew he was dealing too but he i never forget i was i was at the tampa improv and he said yo man my my wife just left me he was going through it right he goes man i really can i can i go with you for a minute i was all right i said uh i sorry i got my flight he goes man i can't get no flight mail drive though cincinnati to tampa about 13. yeah it's gotta be so i remember i was all right man be at the house at six in the morning man we got to get down there you know what i mean so he goes all right the night before was his birthday so it's about you know i said well my flight's at eight i gotta leave my house at six if you're not here at six i'm not canceling my flight i'm going to the airport right i'm talking 559 he is i get in his um the chrysler 300 at the fake bentley i get into chrysler 300. yeah it just smells like liquor and weed and i go i gotta ride in this for 12 hours so he's out i said i got i'll drive so i drive all the way we're almost to atlanta he woke up one time in tennessee we stopped at wendy's he just woke up and remember he was drinking it like like a drink what are you doing it's disgusting right so then i go he wakes up he goes where we at i go we're almost to atlanta he goes all right i'll take over i go all right and then he looked he goes this is 45 miles i go we're driving 800. yeah this is close we're right next door so he takes over you i've never ridden in a car with a drug dealer you know has been on the highway avoiding cops like this mm-hmm the entire drive he's speeding but he's got it pulls out a police monitor by the way and he's doing this the whole time yeah like the whole time his head's on a swivel right then all of a sudden he goes hey you might have a smoke i said i don't care just run on the window he put a slit in the right with the windshield oh on the top of the car yeah yeah yeah slit whoops pulls out this bag drops it it just starts rolling he's driving i go oh this is another level and he just slides it back in there and he had like like some kind of uh adhesive tape that taped it back together it was flawless it's like oh you all the rumors i heard about you are true i think that the chrysler c300 came with that by the way i think that was like standard and they were like in a hidden pocket for all your i remember when that car was like that chrysler 300 uh for that time period is today's uh uh today's hellcat or challenger or charger it's the same thing yeah yeah yeah it's the same like it's the same it's the car it's like the hood's favorite car yeah it's the c300 i'm not where i want to be yet but you see where i'm headed yeah you see i got goals right that's their slogan yeah yeah i'm not where i want to be you see where this is going right baby i want i want a hellcat but this will do for now yeah you know what i want to get now man i are you a car guy do you love cars i'm not a car guy like that but i'm very um i'm very how do you say that um i'm very spontaneous like oh you'll just spend money like you'll just do it i don't do it but if i've had a car for a couple years i'm like yeah it's time you don't plan it you go So today is the day. I'm going to do it today. Yeah, I'll just see one and be like, I'm going to get that and turn my other one in. Have you done that recently? Did you do that? No, on the lower end, I bought a RAV4. That's a good little car, dude. Well, I got the twins now. That's right. You have the little twins. Congrats, by the way. Thank you. So I looked up the safest SUV, so we got a nanny. So the nanny's car kept breaking down, and I was like, I got to get a car so them boys are all right. I can't have the air conditioner going out in Houston in the summer. So I just went and I googled safest small SUV. And the RAV4 is the safest? 100%. It's not even close, huh? It was on every website. Really? Toyota RAV4, Toyota RAV4, Toyota RAV4. I didn't know that. Yeah, so I got a RAV4 recently, but I kind of want to get that, what is it, that Ford Raptor? That pickup? Oh, bro, yeah. That mug. Yeah, it's beautiful. Yeah. But that's a big price tag. I mean, not like you can't afford it. I don't even know how much it is. I think those Raptors started at $100,000. Really? Yeah, because you know what's so funny? Look it up. They got to be at least $80,000, right? What is it? 2026 F-150 Raptor is $89,880. That's not bad. $100,000. Yeah, that's not bad. $89,000 is $100,000, because depending on what, you know what I mean, you're going to go. That's not terrible. No, it's not, but it's $100,000 for a pickup truck. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's true. Some of them are around $140,000, some of them are around $170,000. Right, right. Oh, okay. Yeah, I'm going to stick with my car then. I'm sticking with my Audi. That Raptor sounds real nice right now. I'm going to stick with my Audi. It is funny, because I remember when I was a kid, my buddy Nick used to love Escalades. He'd go, Escalade! He'd see Escalades. He loved them. And I remember back then being like, man, they're such nice cars. And they were. They became like the black car transpo car for every car service. Yeah, everyone has one. But nowadays, we were down in Florida at this event, and we got picked up, and they drove us in the brand new Escalades. It's like the newest, not SVTs, whatever the, maybe it was the SVT, whatever their high-end souped-up one. I said, how much do these things go for? And I was like, this is beautiful. And the guy in the front goes, ah, $1.80, $2.20. I was like, $200,000 for an Escalade? He was like, yeah, for these, that's what they want. Is it the electric? No, no. It's like the V8 supercharged. Oh, wow. But I was like, I never thought they were that kind of money. I thought they'd be $70,000, $80,000. He was like, no, they're $200,000 now. I was like, Jesus. Jesus Christ. And they're all over the place. I see them everywhere, especially in L.A. I bet. L.A.'s in, it's either that or Range Rovers are on every fucking corner. All these- G-Wagons. G-Wagons, for sure. Do you know why G-Wagons caught fire, by the way? No. I learned this the other day. Maximini taught us. You weren't here. No. The Shah of Iran, maybe I'm saying that wrong. Look it up. Just look up Shah of Iran G-Wagon. He loved this design. He ordered. I want to say 50,000. Maximini said it on this show. How many did he- 20,000. 20,000 of them. And so that's why Iranians fucking love him. Because he loved the look. He wanted to distribute it to his military and to his, like, the highest end people in his- What year was this? What year? 1979. Okay, because the first G-Wagon I ever saw was when we were shooting Daddy Daycare and Eddie Murphy pulled up. In a wagon. Yeah, this was 2003. Yeah. And I was like, what kind of fusion? What kind of futuristic shit is Eddie Murphy riding in? Yeah. And he didn't drive it. No, someone else drove it. But I was like, what kind of car? That's the first one I ever- First Bentley I ever saw. Will Smith. Yeah. He was shooting Wild Wild West, and we had a mutual friend, and they said, hey, you want to meet Will? And I was like, all right. So we got on the lot, and I was like, he was so cordial in the trailer, right? And then he came out, and he was sitting in his car, and we were all just talking to him. So he's like 28 at this point. At this time. And I was like, what kind of car is this? Because I had bees all over it. I go, what does a bee mean? It's a Bentley. I go, no clue. I was like, what is that? Yeah. You know, it's 98. Yeah. I didn't know what a Bentley was. Uh-uh. You know? So it's funny when you look back on it, it just hit me. The first G-Wagon was Eddie Murphy. The first Bentley was Will Smith. In 98. When did you move to LA? 98. Yeah, right then. That was your first year. 97, 98. Right at the end of 97. Yeah, yeah. Did you move straight from LA? Did you move from Cincinnati? No, San Diego. I was in the Navy. Oh, that's right. So I was coming to LA a lot. I just didn't move here until I was still in. I didn't get out until January 98. Did you go do shows for them ever? Did they ask you to come down to do shows and stuff for the Navy? I used to do more. I haven't done it in a while. But I've done like the bases in Japan, South Korea, Guam. Like USO stuff? No, MWR. Morale, Weapon, Rec. USO has got a lot of restrictions on it. They do? Yeah, yeah. They're a brand, which I get. MWR is way better. Whatever you want. Because you can say whatever you want. And then when 9-11 hit, I was still tied in to everyone in the military. I'm a little removed now. So I was like, yo, anything I can do? I said, I'll go over there and do some shows. I'm not even looking to get paid. I said, just got to get me over there. So I did seven ships in seven days. Whoa. And it was right when everybody got deployed after 9-11. And I just remember every ship, I would tell the captain would introduce me. It was the only comic on there. I was going up to a cold audience, right? I said, you tell them I got a PG show and an R show. It's up to them. Now, if they choose R, nobody can get offended. So you know what? They all chose R. Of course. Seven for seven. Right. It was like, motherfucking R! Yeah, these are 22-year-old kids, man. And the captain was like, all right. So I'm going to let him go. It's nobody. If you feel like you can't do it, you can't do it. If you can't handle it, leave now. Right. Not one complaint. Of course. They needed some relief. Yeah, because I was able to talk shit about the captain and the officers, and they can't do that. Like, every ship, I did one version of a joke where everyone got to yell, shut up, to the captain. I said, this is something you cannot do. This is the one time. They paid for it afterwards. Say what you want to say to him. Don't cuss him out. If you want to say, shut up, you're stupid. What the fuck? It was like, ah! I said, that's it. It's over. And most of the captain's cool. They would just sit there. All right, let me have it. It was actually a very cool moment. It was cathartic for them to get it out. Yeah. But then when you left, they were doing squats and push-ups. They were doing Gary Owens. I go, one more Owen. That's them running laps because of you. I mean, you heard about, you heard what, recently, the Abraham Lincoln? The guy that freed the slaves? No, the USS Abraham Lincoln, the ship. What happened? He can look it up. It's been deployed since November. They haven't hit a port. And the morale's so low, guys are freaking out. They're jumping off the ship and stuff. So they've been deployed since November of 2025. Yeah. And they've just been at sea. Yeah. And they haven't stopped anywhere. No. So they get tankers out there to refuel them. Yeah, you got, yeah. Why won't they, but why won't they stop? I don't know the reason why they haven't hit a port. So a guy's taking their own life, so they're jumping off the side because they're freaking out? I'm sure, and I'm sure they're threatening to also. What does it say, Coney? That's dark as shit. That's wild. Yeah. That's- You're talking about the same 5,000 people. Well, you're also at sea all day. You're not seeing life. Like, there is no life, right? You're seeing kind of the same standard of what is it? It's because of the war. In Iraq. That they're in the Middle East. But they're just saying they can't stop. Yeah. This occurred due to a shortage of available aircraft carriers to maintain a regional blockade. Duty is an ongoing operation required tied to the conflict with Iran. Because you got to realize, when you're an aircraft carrier, you're basically an airport. Yeah. In the middle of the ocean. So they're just like, yo, just- Stay. It's almost like, I can't explain it, but it's almost like, hey. It's- We're not trying to figure this out right now. Just keep that there so the planes can land, get off, and we're solid. But your morale- Shit, I was out for- I think the longest I was ever deployed was probably two months. At sea? I was losing my shit. Yeah. Because- And that was all guys. At least Lincoln's got girls on it. And it ain't like you got to have sex with the girls. You just got to be around a scent of a woman a little bit. Something. Yeah. And I know- I know if they've been out that long, man, it's nothing but Halle Berry's on that ship right now. Right. Them boys are like, you look amazing. Yeah. Like, I'll tell any wife or any husband that has somebody on that Lincoln, you got to know that's a hall pass. And you can't- You got to give them the hall pass. They're serving the country, man. Let them do it. Well, I'm saying that's just being human at that point. What can they do out there? Yeah. Same for- That's not healthy. That's not healthy for families. That's just, that's one thing they're not talking about. It's not, I think, I've always said, like, they should have this thing called a fuck leave in the military. Take fuck leave. You just, you, wherever your spouse is at, you just fly home, she's been over waiting on you, bing, bing, bing, all right, baby, see ya, and then go back. It would save marriages. It would save morale. You know, guys be on that flight, and you can get them a coach flight, middle seat, they're just going to be like- Yeah, they can't wait. Hard as a rock in the middle seat. You don't say nothing. You ain't even got to see the kids. Just walk in, bing, bing, bing. Just forward, just staring forward at the other seat, not even looking at a screen, just raw dog in the flight. And that fuck leave is smart, because it would help. Dude, it would save so many relationships. Well, they have conjugal digits in prison for that very reason. They were like, if we don't start doing this, this is, it's going to be bad. Yeah. So they do that to save the face of a lot of bad shit that goes on- Exactly. When you don't let these people do what they have to do. But that's because you always hear on the internet, right, I have no connective tissue to it, but you read stuff on the internet about, like, people get deployed and the spouses, people are, you know, sleeping around while they're on the boat because they're gone and vice versa. And it's just, it's such a, it's a long time. And most of these kids are, what, 20? What's the average age? 23? Yeah. I mean, they're kids. In your 20s, get married. That's tough. That's real tough. So I think, listen up, government. And they're always listening to our podcast. Let's do a fuckleaf. Let's institute a fuckleaf. The geo fuckleaf. We'll call it the geo fuckleaf. I'm telling you, I was in. I know it would work. Because you were on a carrier. You were on an aircraft carrier. No, I wasn't ever on a carrier. I was on a subtender and then an LSD, which is, I don't really know what an LSD means. But I was on the Boxer and I was on the Cape Cod. And both, I was only on for a short time. I wasn't on for. A couple months isn't that bad. Yeah, because I tore my ACL. Smart. So I get to San Diego. I report to this ship called the Cape Cod. I tore my ACL playing pickup basketball. And then I didn't know it was tore when I first got there. And I kept going up and down the ladders and my knee would just swell up. I was like, something ain't right. I go to the doctor. You got an ACL tear. I get taken off the ship. I put on show duty. Knee heals up. I get put on another ship, the Boxer. And I'm on the softball team, the ship softball team. And I swung the bat. And I knew it. I went, that didn't feel right. And it was like a base hit. And I was like, run. I go, I can't. I was just sitting at home playing. And I knew it when I felt it. Come to find out, it didn't heal right. So your ACL's like this when you tear it. It's like this. When they heal it, it's back here. Mine healed like this. There's a little overlap. So they said it was just a matter of time. It just didn't heal right. And then the doctor, you know, I didn't. Probably didn't have the best doctors, you know. Because I remember when I got out, I got it scoped. And I went to the USC guy that does the football team. And he was like, who did your knee? And I was like, the Navy? He goes, I was going to say Sue. That didn't make me feel good. Yeah, no. In here, we pour whiskey. Hey, it's Thanksgiving time. And I know it's very hard to cook a big, old, whopping meal. I don't have time to cook that much. And that's why Tempo is here to make it so much easier. Between the holidays, Halloween, handing out candy to the kiddos and all that stuff. They got a way of just, like, sucking up your entire calendar. And Tempo delivers fresh, chef-crafted, dietician-approved meals right to your door. Making it so easy to eat well and save time on even my busiest days. I'm telling you, I've been using Tempo for a long time. We spoke about them on the show a lot. I did a couple ads for them because I love them. 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Backed up. I mean, backed up. Back, yeah. I'm talking heels up. It was like, you know, what, 18 months apart? Damn. And the rehab's almost a year. Yeah, it's a long time. Well, unless you're a pro athlete, then it's like six months. This is back then. Yeah. It was different back then. Because Mahomes, what, Mahomes healed in a record amount of time. It's unbelievable. Yeah, it's different now. Well, it's also, dude, he's a young, he's that athlete in his blood. His dad was a professional athlete. I mean, some of these guys are blessed with magic that you just can't understand. Yeah. Like, you see them operate and you're like, oh, right, you're, God gave, God made you literally different. You're just something else's. Yeah. You can't even explain what that is when you see them in action. Whether it's playing sports or like the way they live their life and go back doing something, it's mind-blowing. Seven months. Seven months is fucking unheard of. That's wild. The average, like, non-athlete takes at least a year. Like a regular Joe Schmo. Like, if my dad did it, he's out for fucking two and a half years, you know? My dad, he's got to get knee surgery. He can't even walk up the stairs anymore. And so now when we're, like, out and about somewhere, like, we took him out to brunch yesterday and there was high stairs and he was like, let's just eat downstairs. We're good? I said, how about this? Walk up the stairs and I'll put my hands out. So if your ass falls, you can fall in and I can carry you up the stairs. This is Chicago? Yeah, I was just back home yesterday. But he's, you know, because he's got to get his knees done. His knees are just totally fucked. But it's from years of, he played basketball forever. He only quit now in his, like, 60s. I think he just was like, I can't do it anymore. He played basketball all the way through his 60s? Yeah, he played in the church league for a long time, a men's league for a long time. Yeah, until about his young 60s and then he had to quit, man. Yeah, those church floors, they're never solid. Well, a lot of them, this, it's like this shit carpet. I've played in some church leagues before. What are we doing right here? You trip on that real easy, by the way. You get a shoe caught up in that. I'd go play with them in the church leagues and I hated it because if you went for a ball and you fell on this, my God, you get rug, the rug burn hurts so far. I quit years ago because I was sick of the injuries. I got hurt the first time I moved out here. I went to play ball in Venice and this guy that I knew at this. On the concrete? Yeah, out by the beach. You just want to be like your dad. Well, white men can't jump, dude. You see white men can't jump, you're like, I want to go to that beach. Like that was like a dream in me. So I went down there to play with this kid that I knew that I, that was in my, um, in my neighborhood. And we would go down there and the first week, uh, I still have the scar on my hand. You see the white scar on my hand. I go up to block a shot and my hand hits the backboard. I can get up just so you know, I used to be able to fucking, I'll show you photos, but I go to block the ball and the bottom of the backboard was rusty. Cause. Because of the sea air and my hand, it slipped my hand like a knife through butter. Like a shank, huh? Oh my God, dude. I went and go like this. And then I pulled my hand down. The dude, this dude next to me goes, Oh shit. There's blood everywhere. And I was like, Oh fuck. And he had the one, the one dude off the side is like, get yourself a tetanus shot, bro. He's like, you got it for sure. Venice too? Yeah, dude. Oh God. Bad news. I can't imagine. I know. I know. I don't know what I've got. I never, never. I never got tested. We'll figure it out. But after all the injuries I had hooping, I just, you don't play anymore. Do you? No chance. Yeah. You quit. I stopped playing sports when I was playing softball and a guy hits a ball in the outfield. I'm just going to get it. Pull my hamstring. I went, I go, Oh, we're done here. We're done. Like literally we're done. That's enough of that. Yeah. It was, it was a normal trot to like, it's like, yeah, come limping back in. I go, I am done. They go, when you be back. I go, never, never. This is it. Find another left fielder guys. Get me out coach. I'm out. That's game for me. I do golf. White guy stuff. That's white. That's white guy sport. I can't get into golf. My, one of my openers is always trying to get me to play golf. Who is it? Do I know who it is? T-Robe. He's out of Pittsburgh. I love the name. You, you guys should link if you're ever in Pittsburgh. I'd love to. T-Robe. Yeah. He, he just won Cedric's, um, golf celebrity thing. Oh, he did? Two weeks ago. T-Robe. So I called Cedric and, um, I said, yo, Cedric, uh, my opener loves golf. And he saw you have one. And so Cedric goes, yeah, if he makes a little donation to my charity, I'll, I'll get him in. And then it went on the whole thing. Wow. Who made the donation though? No, no. He made it. Did he? It's, I'm not there. Yeah, I know. But he's your opener. He's your opener. It ended up working out cause he won some stuff. I was going to say, if I won some money. Yeah, it ended up being the donation paid for itself. Good, good. Yeah. So he, uh, Cedric was like, damn, how are you going to just show up and win the whole thing? He's like, Gary, don't send this motherfucker my way ever again. Yeah. He won, same thing, I had him in Florida, this big, there's this big one down in Florida. It's in January, like all these NFL baseball Hall of Famers are down there. There's some celebs too, but it's a Texas-based one. I don't know what the guy does, but he's huge. Oil. Probably. Yeah, what else do they fucking do? Yeah, but he used to be Reggie Jackson, and then this guy took it over. Oh, wow. And then he went down there, I got him in that one. He won that. Oh, shit, shut the fuck up. T-Robe? T-Robe. Who is this guy? He plays golf every day. Good, so when he's on the road with you, he goes, if he'll sneak out and then meet you in the afternoon. If we're in a city where, you know, Naples, he's definitely bringing his clubs. Anywhere in Florida. Tampa, he's bringing his clubs. Anywhere in Florida. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's bringing his clubs. But he's like, dude, why don't you play golf, dog? I go, it's never going to happen. No. I tried to play for like, in that one in Florida, I got about three holes. I'm going back to the clubhouse, guys. I'm sick of finding these guys. I'm sick of finding these balls. Yeah, I get it. It's a frustrating thing. But what are you doing then? You just staying in the gym? You got to do something, man. You got two new kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like working out. I like working out. And I'm an old man now, so I like taking my walks. How old are you? 53. I like getting my walks in. You're not that old, bro. Don't do that. Oh, whatever. That's not that old. Get my walks in. You might sound like you're 65. I'll tell you a great golf story. You'd appreciate it as a golfer. Yeah. So you ever heard of, what's that one in Portland? Pumpkin Ridge? Pumpkin something? You got it. It's the one where Tiger Woods played his last amateur golf outing. I think it is Pumpkin Ridge. It's a Pumpkin Ridge? And he announced it when he got done, I'm going pro. So they have a statue of him on, let's say, the 12th hole where he announced it, right? Right. So it was Brian Grant. He used to play for the Trailblazers. He's got Parkinson's now, right? Terrible. So he had a big Parkinson's benefit. And it's the only time I played 18 holes. And they pair Celeb up with other people, right? Dude, it's a scramble. They have not used my ball one time, right? This is pointless. Your morale. You're there for the morale, yeah. Why on that hole were the newspapers? camera was, where ESPN, where all the cameras were posted up at that hole, because this is the Tiger Woods hole, right? Sure. And I go up, hick, right on the green, dink, dink, dink, and my whole team goes, what the fuck was that? I go, camera's on, baby. Yeah, he needs the lights. The kid needs the lights. You literally heard the reporter be like, oh, oh, Gary nasty. I didn't know you had skills like that. And when I say the only ball in 18 holes was that one. It's the only one that matters. Hick. Even I went, where is it? I'm so used to looking in the trees. I go, where'd it go? They go, it's on the green, bro. That's all you need is when the lights are on. That's the hot shit. When the light's up, that's how you perform. That's why you've done so well in your fucking career, man, because when the lights are on, you can do it. Yeah, facts. It's true, right? Yeah. I mean, you don't stumble under pressure. I don't think I've ever seen you not do well. Yeah, it's weird. Like, I know it sounds conceited, but never got booed. Yeah, you're one of those guys. I think you're affable. You have, like, people want to hear you say it. I think that's why you've done so well. I mean, seriously, people like, you know, I'm giving you your flowers. But I just think if anybody has ever talked about you in the comedy community, it's that you're one of those guys that works hard and that does kill it, so there's nothing bad to say about you. I mean, there's a few other things I can say about you, but I just won't. I know. Please, share. No, no, I got nothing. I got nothing. Are you touring a new special right now? What are you doing? Yeah, so I'm on my, my tour starts this week, actually. No hard feelings. We did, we did the first half of the year. So Icon called last summer. It was like, we want to give you a 100-city tour. 100-city. 100-city. So I was like, all right. It's a heavy lift. So we did the first half, took the summer off. I did a couple clubs. I went to Australia, did a tour over there for the first time. I loved it down there. Yeah, it was dope. That's the best coffee I ever had in my life, by the way. Melbourne? Yeah, it's the best. I was there for a week. I loved it down there, dude. So we had like a four-day window. We had Melbourne, and then we had a four-day window before we went to Perth. And we just stayed in Melbourne. Man. I was like, there's a coffee shop that had this peanut butter latte? Unreal. What the? He hooked me. Thank you, Joe Coy, because I started talking to the owner, a young guy. And he goes, I forget. We got an accident over there. He goes, you're in the States? Like, they're excited. Yeah. I go, yeah. He goes, yeah, I've never been. And we're just talking. You've never been to the United States? He goes, nah. And then he's like talking. He goes, what are you here for? I said, well, I had a show last night in Melbourne. I'm on tour out here, but I'm in Perth next. He goes, oh, what's your name? I have to look you up. I go, yeah. I said, do you like comedy? He goes, yeah. And then he goes, yeah, I like, I go, Joe Coy? He goes, oh, I FaceTimed Joe. I go, Joe. He goes, bro. He went from Australia to a surfer guy. He goes, bro. Bro. Ultimate flex. It is. I said, Joe, I'm just using it to get free lattes and tarts. You're never paying for a drink again down there with Joe Coy. But, yeah, I got sidetracked. But, yeah, we pick up this week. So we got another 50 between now and New Year's Eve. Does the family come with you ever or no? Not a lot. It's hard on the road, man. It's, you know, it's three cities in three days. Because then they're bouncing around, bouncing. Yeah, it's too tough. You know, like. And your twins are how old? Three. Yeah, that's tough. So, like, even like this weekend, it's like, it's Grand Rapids, it's Toledo and Peoria. And then next week is like Stockton, San Jose and Redding. So it's like, every city's like two hours away. You're driving. It's like. It's hard. Yeah. You're not doing a bus, though. No, no. We just get a, we just rent an SUV and it's only me and two other people. Do you drive? You have a driver. I never drive. Yeah, you can't drive. One of my guys drives. But, oh, yeah. So you have someone that, someone that opens for you. Some of my openers, the camera guy drives. And then, you know, the tour has a tour manager. He gets there on his own. Oh, he doesn't go with you guys. No, no. He's got his own thing. He's got to get there early. Yeah. He's at the theater all day. And then the merch guys, they're there, too. That's what we do. We send Carlos there a day or two early. Also, because we don't want to be near him when we're traveling. Get his ass away from me, dude. We love him, but also. He's a travel risk. He's a huge travel risk. He's your opener? No, he's our tour manager. Yeah. Oh, God. And you never know with him. Are you with Live Nation? Is this guy, this guy's our personal guy. But, yeah. Oh, okay. We usually do our shows with, no, we've used them. We've done Outback. We've done. You're doing it yourself or is it you and Bobby? We've done both, but we just did our tour. Bobby's out there by himself now. I'm done for the year. Yeah. I'm. Taking the rest of the year off. I'm going to get back to it next year. Take some time for me. Hydrate your wins with the new Liquid IV sugar-free ring pop cherry. It's the classic cherry ring pop flavor you grew up loving. Reimagined as a zero sugar hydration mix that's clinically proven to hydrate faster than water alone. Shop Liquid IV. Dot com. Save with their buy three, get one free offer, and use promo code POD26. That's P-O-D-2-6. Ulta's big holiday beauty sale is back with weekly deals at up to 40% off. November 29th to December 24th. Shop over 250 deals every week and save on fragrance, makeup, wellness, hair, and more. With points on every purchase. Put a bow on it. Ulta Beauty. Let's be honest. You go to win. I canceled Europe. I was supposed to go from Australia to Europe. I think I got too excited. And then I did my last show in Sydney and I had like, again, three, four days before I was going to fly to Berlin. And I just went, I'm tired. Yeah, it's a long way, man. And I was like, this is about to be a 30-hour, 55-minute. Travel day and I was like this, I go, then I found out there's a heat wave in Europe and I've really just, for the first time in my life, I felt my body like, bro, go home. Go home. For like a month. Yeah. So I took a month, probably the longest I've ever taken off. Yeah, go see your wife that you like. Yeah, exactly. She came to Australia. Oh, she did? Yeah, she came to Australia for a week. So you got it in down under. That's good. Yeah, yeah. I said, dude, we're fucking international. How many different countries? How many different countries have we fucked in? Yeah, I've done that before. I've literally said, dude, look at all these states we fucked in. We've counted it. You have? Yeah, but yeah. I think everybody has. I've counted it. I'd be like, babe, we fucked overseas, on islands. I'd literally be like, I'll be, sometimes I'll be like this. I go, you gotta come to Idaho. We get bucket lists. It's on our checklist. Just fly in. Fuck me, fly out of here. Fuck leave. I got the Navy thing. Fuck leave. The geo fuck leave. Come on, babe. We need to institute it. I know you got a flight to catch. I'm going to get you gone soon. Oh, you're not? You're good? Okay, good. That's why I asked to do 30 minutes earlier. Oh, yeah, that's right. In case you were vibing. I was like, I don't want you to have to. Listen, my flight's at 3, and it's Jet Suite. I can get there at 2.30. Love that JSX. Walk on, walk off, huh? I guess it's JSX now. It's not Jet Suite anymore. It's JSX. Same shit. It's the same shit. Yeah. Which also does make me nervous, though, because sometimes you see the pilots on there, and you're like, that kid is like 18. He just got his shit. I know, right? He's like, does anybody know how to tie a tie? You're like, that guy's flying our plane? I get fucking nervous, man. For people that don't know, it's like a small plane service. It's like a regional jet. The same thing as when you take a regional jet across the Midwest. Same size plane, but they fly here out of smaller airports on the West Coast. And so we take them all the time, because it's easier. But it's like a hybrid. It's like not private. It's not private. It's public. But you feel like, they make you feel like you're flying private just with eight strangers. Yeah. You just have to go through. You don't have to. You don't have to go through regular security at the fucking airport, because, you know. And you can get there like literally 20 minutes before the flight takes off. So nice. Yeah, just walk in, walk out. That's the best. Oh, I love it. Well, because me, you know, fucking Delta, canceled my, you know, pushed my flight. Then, I've never seen this. Then they made it earlier. I was going to Scotland a couple weeks ago. Then on the way to New York, they diverted us to Atlanta. We can't land. There's a tornado warning in Long Island. I was like, great. So then as I'm in Atlanta sitting on the runway, my flight to Scotland takes off. So I go to New York. I have to kill a day. The next day, I'm excited. I'm going to Scotland. So I go to the lounge to go get something to eat. I meet this old lady next to me, and I'm flirting with her, having a good time. You know, she's a sweet old lady by herself. She's like, I'm Trem. This is my first time in Edinburgh. And I'm telling her where to go. And so we have a cocktail together. And then we go to get on the plane, and I wait till the very end, because I don't have any bag. I've checked my bags. I don't know why people are like, let's get on the plane fast. You're like, why? We had this discussion last time. Yeah. I board first. Oh, see? Why? Why? I like to get comfortable. No. And sit. What are you doing? You're going to just sit there and watch people go by? Well, one thing. I don't like the- Overhead bin space? The tarmac. Oh. But the tarmac, too. What is that? The jet bridge. Yeah. I don't like to wait in line. So I wait till it's all boarded. Wait till everyone's on and go on last. Okay. That's what I do. Just wait till it's over. You don't have any bags. If you check bags. If I don't have any bags. If I have a backpack, I throw it under my shit, and I'm fine. And then I walk up to the gate, and I'm like, hey. Hey. I'm excited. And then she's like, sir, come here. I'm like, what? And the guy's like, where are you coming from? I was like, what? New York. Jesus, where were you before this? I was like, in the lounge. how many drinks have you had i was like what i mean i had one fucking cocktail i was like i'm an alcoholic brother this is i hope you know this is not affecting me one drink and he was like we just got to make sure no one's getting on the plane you know intoxicated i was like are you fucking kidding i couldn't believe it and that my mind thought don't be a smart ass because how quick are they to call the cops now yeah you can't no you have to just go look man i go look man i'm getting on the plane i'm totally fine i had you know maybe i was too jovial when i said hello what a fucking that's how new york is that i go hi and they're like this guy's fucked in the midwest you're gonna let a happy drunk get on the flight yeah i'm so fucked up right now you're right i was in a good mood i was like hey i wasn't like storming through the fucking like what's his name what was the fighter they caught him poirier poirier yeah man he was gonna fight the fucking gate attendant that was funny wild dude he's like i will fuck you up we'll fight you you want to fight what's up no dude i don't want to fight you you do this for money that's crazy he was ready to knock that dude out now see i bored last dude you you cup try mine once just get on last you cruise on you don't have to think about it i'm gonna do that today at jsx well that won't fucking matter yeah that's not gonna mean anything to you back to houston yeah that's you're going now no no i'm going to vegas oh that's right i'm doing a show for the yeah uh fraternal order of police so it's gonna be like three thousand cops wow me wow i love it because the the lady that booked it she was like uh i said any restrictions she goes these are cops yeah yeah dude you're whatever you want i was like this and it's the show's at 10 in the morning oh 10 a.m yeah holy they're doing like an award thing oh it's some award show and they want entertainment and you know again power the internet you i've posted so many clips of me being a cop in the navy yeah that's what they got wind of me they're like we want him yeah that's great you know what i mean so it's yeah it's gonna be good and then one of my openers is ex-military so i'm bringing him to break the ice sure do you ever do this with your openers you need someone to crack that ice man man we did a we did uh t wrote the same guy in pittsburgh man he took an l for me one time for for procter and gamble yo they said um any any anything we can and cannot say and they was like um no i mean you know just read the room but we're not gonna restrict you that much so who you're right in with like dick pussy fuck shit right there's all these women like this right and they dude they said somebody came in and said get him off now right so he's supposed to do like 20 i think he did like eight oh right he got off and i just gave him a dad i go i appreciate that thank you bro he took that l for me yeah so now i knew where to go with this crowd right he well that's what he gets paid to do yeah yeah gauge the room he fucking did that fucked up that's fine then it by the way then you can only look good like you know you're going like you knew you're going to do well but now you're going to kill extra hard because you already know the slot that you need to fill exactly procter and gamble did you think that the the chemical company wanted pussy i was shocked i was like we literally asked we go anything they go no just fill it out they didn't like give us much right all right dude yeah who like i like bitches suck my dick i'd say you i'd say you're a bitch you suck dick i was like this yo maybe it was a little hard yeah my favorite one was this is not my story to tell but i have to tell it were you with us with fucking with regan no oh yeah my favorite i run into brian regan's brother you know brian yeah his brother opened up for me a couple times oh i know okay so we run into his brother at the hotel in the elevator he's like what the fuck are you guys i said we're playing a show here what do you mean what are we doing here what do you think i hate when comics see you like what are you doing here you're like take a guess you fucking idiot we're in des moines yeah what do you think we're so we're i said we're doing a show he goes brian's he'll want he'll want to know that you guys are here i said well tell him tell him what's up tell him to come by we're at the met we're at the met in philly right yeah and i said come by and he's like okay he has a corporate at like five we'll come by after we'll catch the on the end of your show i said great um so they come by after the show and brian's got a couple buddies and he's already like had a couple sodas like he's feeling good and i was like how was that gig he's like fucking nightmare and i was like why was it so bad he goes well the only guy who knew i was was the guy that booked me i go no one in the crowd he goes no and then they got the fucking nerve i said okay so it goes me and then the band and they go no it's the band and then you he goes you can't do music than comedy you've got to do comedy than music nobody wants to hear a great song and then go you want to hear some jokes and he goes the guy refuses he goes that's the lineup that they wanted i said well who was the band he goes you ever heard of hall and oats i go yeah he goes one of those guys i was like oh shit dude he had to follow that better hope it was oats because hall sang all the songs yeah dude i don't even i don't give a shit if it was grand it was it was bad i was like bro he's like he's like they're singing that i get up there and i'm thinking okay settle into the pocket he goes i do a couple of jokes nothing then he goes well i'll get him one of the hits so he does what was it well the guy before said they're all waiting for specific jokes that's right yeah they want old shit they would love this one they would love yeah he's lacing off but this is this guy it's not the crowd it's what the buyer wanted right because he was a huge fan and so he did pop tarts is that the one sort of going back into some of the he went back to the old shit and he did one joke and he's like i'm thinking this is the one that kills and he goes through it and he goes i'm pumped so fucking hard i'm looking at the one guy who's my fan and he's cracking up and everyone else is silent i was like i know that feeling dude i've done these corp we've all done them where sometimes they go phenomenal yeah and sometimes you're like oh my i did one the night i was leaving for chicago the christmas eve eve and they're like does it just show at the pacific design center same thing buyer loved me none of the people that work for this man knew who the fuck i was and i was like oh my god i'm going to work for this guy i was not one human being i bombed so fucking unbelievably bad that the buyer walked me out to my car like as if i was going to stay and say hello he's like let's let's yeah yeah let's just get you in there let's get into the air let's get you to lax yeah i was like have a good night i'm thinking like the those are the best stories i don't want to hear how you did well it doesn't matter if you do well yeah nobody gives a shit no no no seriously like craft hire me killed killed dude i didn't realize how strong i am with cheese people No one's heard that. I want to hear the horror story. Oh, it's horrific, man. I think out of all the quarter games I've done, I don't do a lot, but the one that sticks out was somebody hired me in Cincinnati, and it was like a Christmas party, whatever their company was, right? And it was all black people there, right? So I was good. Yeah. But it was one of those where the dance floor was in front of all the chairs, and I'm on the stage where the DJ is, right? Not a lot of room. So I asked the lady, anything off limits? She goes, no, we hired you for you. We want you. So the whole crowd knew me, right? So I'm doing some sex jokes or something like that, right? So this white guy who doesn't know who I am goes, but he's a white guy that wants to be down with the brothers. He goes, excuse me, excuse me. Middle of my show, right? I go, yeah. He goes, hey. He stands up. He goes, look, I don't know how everybody else feels about this. He goes, boy, you know, there's a little girl here. I didn't see her, right? There's like an eight-year-old. Why is there a child there? He goes, you know, I got a daughter, and I don't appreciate it, and I don't think nobody else appreciates the kind of jokes you're doing right now with this little girl in the room. And I just, I went, really? So I started snapping on him, and the mom is dying with the little girl. Of course. Yes, Gary. You know, right? And he goes, so I start going at him so hard. So first he says that. Then he sits down. Like, I think he thought, he was like, hey, man, I appreciate that, you know? But he's getting nothing. He's like, he's sitting like this. I start going in on him so hard. He stood up so slow. He was like, took off his jacket. Like, he was about, he started walking towards me over the dance floor. He's like, I go, what, you about to fight now? He goes, I'm just saying. And he's coming, right? Why? I don't know where these black guys came from. They were clearly in the audience. They surrounded him, right? And picked him up. And his feet aren't on the floor. And they carried him out of the room. And you could hear him going, what the fuck, man? Don't mess, interrupt the show like that. That's our dude. He's like, I don't know who he is, dog. I remember his feet. And he looked around. I think he thought all the black guys were going to come with him. But he realized, oh, no, they're building a wall around you. And they literally, his feet weren't on the ground. And the next day, HR was like, Chad, we're going to have to let you go because of what you did. Yeah. That's what you did at the Gary show. Well, yeah. That's the funny part. I said, who is he? And they go, everybody's like, we don't know. He didn't even work there. Just popped in. Yo, the funny, I know he thought he was about to be a savior. I just remember the hand, excuse me. Excuse me. Right in the middle of a joke, too. Little girl here. Yeah. Hey, I'm just saying, man. I'm a father. I got a daughter. I don't think these people appreciate telling jokes. There was a little girl in the room. I was like, really? Yeah. It sounds like everybody likes it. Yeah. Dude, I had gang members sign me up. i was doing on the queen mary when i used to do that show and this mexican dude stands up i'm young i'm like three years in i'm struggling to do 15 minutes and i have like i think at the time i did 10 at the most and he stands up he's like yo what the fuck is this last comic standing and it kills and it kills and i was and i you know like i'm thinking i'm built to do crowd work because i'm three years in all i've done is coffee shops and crap what the fuck is this but i couldn't say shit to the guy i go because i'm thinking it's a gang member like he they're like one for a fucking where's this at long beach in long beach on the queen mary the boat that's docked down there yeah and i'm in long beach and so he's throwing up signs being like fucking whatever the fuck saying their name and shit and his boy is like yeah fucking get him dog and he was like yeah you fucking you fucking uh uh he had like nothing to hit me with but he kept doing it he kept being like yeah that's a lonely comic up there dude fucking you stupid motherfucker and i'm just like taking it being like yeah i didn't get on that show they wouldn't let me on that show and people are kind of like liking that a little bit and then afterwards i'm like oh and it's slowing down i'm like all right man let me finish this set so we can finish the show that is like i'll see you after the show puto and everyone's laughing and clapping i go backstage the show goes on i'm having a panic attack because i'm like there's one way on the boat and one way off the boat i'm like they're gonna fucking wait for me so i'm not kidding two hours after show clothes i'm backstage just eating some of the deli meats oh yeah and the guy who's running the place like what are you still doing here i'm like you know i just like take just take some time just to hang out just want to feel like because i thought they were gonna jump me beat the shit out of me after the show thank god by the time i'm like sneaking off the boat parking lot's totally empty i put those days made you the comic that you become because if you never have that you're fucked that's why my biggest fear with the internet when i see young comics like blow up on the internet fast and they get a lot of attention from whatever they post i'm always like man you kind of got to go through the mud a little bit if you have no mud i just don't know how long the thing can last i'm not saying you have to suffer but i do think it shaped every great comic i know had so many of these fucking stories like you just have to have them well and that's the thing it makes you a good comic yeah and i the crowds find out real quick if if you don't don't have the chops yeah people you can get that two or one time but it's just it's just it's just it's just it's not going to come back around that's true if they're like yo i just paid all this money and what was that yeah what the fuck i got like two laughs in two hours yeah there's a couple i mean yeah there's some there's some sad stories in the business of people that got too much too fast well i'm not gonna name names but but we um we had a tour back in about 2011 or 12 it was that shack all-star tour right oh yeah and it was monsters on there everybody was ripping the whole tour we could do atlanta and i hear a boo and i went before who's getting booed not this lineup it was like it was uh cory holcomb d-ray davis me michael blackson it was capone yeah right strong show and no everybody was killing in their own way so i was so like who what is going on and it was a angry boo it wasn't like we feel bad for it was like bitch well they they grabbed and this is before it was like it is now this is 2012 so youtube was a thing so they grabbed a girl and a guy that they saw online and that were popular with their their character online right and they had them open the show all they gotta do is five minutes the girl went up and did so bad that the dude came up after her and he got her boo that's their song they were mad at her and then he came up and wasn't delivering they booed him so it's like oh i think what happened they go bruh the girl was so bad and then he came up and didn't deliver within the first two three minutes they were like nah they transferred the boo yeah they go he took her boo that hurts i'll tell you who they were off stage but they were literally two people that both had huge social media at that time like youtube was exploding yeah yeah they were they were two of the first to take off and they got some fun and they got some fun and they were two of the first to take off and they got some fun and they got some fun and they got some stuff on internet right but they just they just they weren't stand-up so and they they thought it was a good idea yeah and kind of find out that's not a good idea they've swung the bat in our business a few times there's been a couple of people that tried to do the stand-up run from something else and it just doesn't work out like it's a different muscle i know and people do think it's because you do it well you make it look easy and people are like well what the fuck you know and an agent goes you can get out there and do stand-up who gives a shit and some kid on the internet to their credit they're like i guess i'm not gonna do it i'm not gonna do it i'm not gonna do it maybe i mean my agent said i could book this tour i highly doubt it's their thinking it's usually an agent that's like yeah we can fucking put you in front of it who cares people see you online they'll like you yeah because i think these people don't know any better they're just getting trapped in the throes of like hey do you want to make some real money yeah and it's hard to say no and then um it's kind of like yeah we're both on the football team but i'm the quarterback you're the linebacker it's a different position position dude still goals to win it still goes make people laugh so the you know a couple years ago right after i i saw you on the linebacker you were on the linebacker you were on the linebacker saw you last time i kind of took this guy under my wing called the mailman from cincinnati great carl malone no yeah yeah the one mailman he's like uh you know young guy out of cincinnati and he had a good social media following and when i met him i was like just talking to him he was quick sure coming back with his come i said yo you you you could do stand-up you know that right like take your time but you i i can read somebody that could do it sure i said you can do it he was really so it was kind of a blessing a curse with him because he he's so big on the internet at one point right it's kind of plateaued since then which it does yeah and from cincinnati they said all right we're gonna book him at the funny bone one night and he sold out two shows like that right so i told his manager at the time i was talking to him he he got this manager that is not with him anymore right but he was like um i said yo this is a this is a blessing a curse he was why i go it's not gonna be like this all the time and he was like yo this is a this is a blessing a curse he was why i go it's not gonna i go the good thing is it's probably the most money he's ever made in one night yeah that's great i go stack the show with comedians you don't want him to go up there for an hour and he's never done jokes i go it's smoke and mirrors tonight man get him up there have him do some of his punch lines that he does on on the the internet yeah i go they'll still love him i go but then if you're gonna get him on the road man he's gotta open mic a lot yeah go jam yeah and so he he's out there he's out there still grinding shout out to the mailman yeah he's out there grinding this is two and a half years he's trying to get it but he's he's he's got it but i i when he when i talked to i said take your time dude it's two and a half years you know the his old manager's giving bad advice he goes yo because he'll do like one night at zany's in nashville yeah and then they'll bring him back like eight months later and his manager was like yo that you were you was a new hour i go new hour impossible what are you talking about impossible fucking home what he's got who cares yeah i got a new hour i said there's no way you got a new eight months is not a not a i mean you may have ever you may have an hour of shit yeah don't worry about that man no don't work on don't worry about putting everything on the internet right now you're in a good position how long do you take people out for do you have like a time limit that you switch no i um no it just it organically happens i give everyone a year just about a year and then you gotta let them go yeah i made that agreement with everyone that's ever come with me as i say like hey man one full year of touring or if it's like a divided up thing you know if it's i don't short them i really give them like a full run but after that i say you gotta i gotta because if i can introduce you to as many people as possible and keep plugging you as much as i can that's kind of all i can do at some point and most of them have loved it accepted it and then move from it you know like i like i i take pride and try to find the new thing because i think if i stay with someone too long i'm afraid they get comfortable and it hurts their hurts their career that's my fear is i never want someone to be like well they're comfy because they're making a check and it's you know what i mean and it's like oh you get to play a fucking theater and i just feel like i don't i want him i never stayed with someone for a long time i got picked picked picked and then thrown away you know what i mean like i would be one-offs and it helped me i feel like well i've like t-robe the guy from pittsburgh he's been with me for like five six years but you know he's also he's the first guy that said to me he goes you know what he goes um this is a pretty good gig he goes i'm going in theaters i'm being taken care of he goes i'm i'm 50 years old he he djs he's the he's the entertainment booker at some cigar bar in pittsburgh so he's making money outside of stand-up good he's got like a gymnastics gym him and his wife owns like he's got a hand in everything entrepreneur he literally says like dude i don't i love stand-up i love it he goes but he told me he goes he's he he got away from me for a little bit and started doing other shows he was like yeah this kind of sucks i'm not with you so here's an example he went to the cleveland improv with me right so in my rider i don't have a big rider but i say i'm gonna order dinner from a restaurant around the area right so it's pretty much whatever i want whatever restaurant right yeah and the openers are ordering too so he came back by himself like a one-nighter there he's like yeah yeah i'm gonna go ahead and order dinner and i'm like yeah i'm gonna go ahead and order dinner and i'm like order from that. I'm gonna get that steak. He goes, Oh no, no, no, no. You're, you're not with gary you can order from the club menu he goes what he called me he goes bro i forgot yeah they shut it down they was like yeah we're sorry we're not getting you a t-bone so you're gonna get chicken tenders oh i miss me with gary yeah that's the problem is it gets it's comfortable it's like a comfortable it's hard that's why i try to do my best to be like hey man well my another thing is one of my openers also edits my clips oh that's great so he's he's got two jobs right his name's adam so it's easier when he's on the row with me because he's in the room when i do something he's like okay i'll get off stage and we're just talking about yo you got that let's clip it up boom boom boom yeah that's it's he's got like two jobs right it's just a different line line of thinking and i got burned so bad by a couple of my openers in the past what do you mean My personal business the divorce oh right right one of them one of them i had fired in 2018 my divorce happened in 2021 he calls my ex-wife and tells a bunch of shit about me and i'm like why what why what world and why what's the point i know so he just wanted to trash you to her that's it because what he felt like you shorted him or something like that like you didn't you yeah whatever that was yeah when i let him go i was like you know i let him go politely but like you know you he was he was doing dirty shit when we were together and i was just like yeah i think this ain't gonna work out bro you know what i mean it's funny too when you when you let somebody go you know because i remember i called him and i was gonna let him go after a weekend i was gonna like i'm just gonna sunday night i was gonna say hey this isn't working out no hard feelings but you know this isn't working out for me business but he had a girl with him and i was like i'm not gonna pull him aside he's got a chick with him i'll call him this week i don't want to ruin the night you know what i mean so that from that moment on he always had a girl with him yeah he knew he was gonna get fired it's so funny he had a habit of like blowing me off when i would try to call like he didn't have time for me and i took that little personal i don't know if that was wrong of me like dude i'm like your employer yeah you can't get on the phone yeah pick up the phone so later i called him and i said yo hey man you gotta make it no no no i'm busy b from new york he's all right i go well let's just make this short then i'm gonna let you go this isn't working out he goes what he goes oh my god i'm gonna let you go i'm gonna let you go i'm gonna let you go i'm gonna hold on don't make no rash decisions doc i'll call you right back he went from they got time for you to i'll be right back yeah i'll be back 30 seconds later and i just i'd let him go but he chatted what he chatted up your wife about stuff that's why i told him about girls and stuff like that on the road i was like what and then she called you and well no this uh the divorce is already in the works oh she didn't after that it was it was already we were already in the mix or just like california's a no-fault state yeah like you're you're hurting her feelings but it doesn't affect the divorce right right you know what i mean like you're just causing her more pain pain right and she's already in pain right like for what like what are you getting out of it right you know what i mean so i was like he's a dirty dog man that's you'll see him at a coffee shop in florida you know what i mean yeah but now you're remarried you're happy you're fine yeah yeah now everything's great but that's another reason why i keep my the same old openers right yeah they're guys that you're with them a lot yeah they know well they know your whole life they're with their they're your life it's and it's not about um cheating like i don't want that to come across but you do trust them and you do talk to them about your personal life and you don't feel like it's going to go anywhere else right i mean they meet your fucking family i mean my yeah like they meet your whole family they know people that have toured with me met my parents you know what i mean it's like they've been inside our family's homes so there is a weird personal level you do have to have some sort of trust that it's hard to know unless you find out like that yeah it's funny we were in australia and and i could i could talk about it now but adam the one that does my clips and everything he i think we all have moments but he had a moment where he was not happy with me for whatever reason and and he was starting to like quote-unquote snap on me in the green room i was on stage and he was on a roll and then there was other people in the room though right it was him t-robe and then a couple other people from australia in there and it got back to me those people from australia they told on him so fast they go dude are you all right with your opener i go yeah why they started telling me all the stuff he was saying so i pulled him aside said adam listen i completely understand you're around people a lot well me you and t-robe i have no problem with you and t-robe shitting on me if it stays between you two sure when you start shitting on me in front of strangers that's an issue it's a bad look yeah i said so don't do that just be mindful i said it's cool it's not like you it's not like he's saying anything that would ruin the relationship i said just be mindful of people in the room don't shit on me when because it's going to get back to me sure of course you know what i mean especially you don't know these people yeah you know what i mean so he agreed he goes man i just it's funny they're nice they'll tell you oh they they came quick with the info i was like whoa mate mate you gotta hear what he said about you right but but it is true like you're around somebody like i now always tell my guys i go dude we all talk about each other everybody does there's no way you and him you can't even and ain't talking about bobby lee and some shit sometimes we just did you know what i mean it's it's just human nature yeah it's a part of the crew of when you're with people all the fucking time it's like you have to your quirks are gonna get on your nerves oh yes dude oh my god a guy can be smacking when he eats you're like what the fuck bro dude you're on the when you're on a bus too when you're living on a motherfucking bus yeah when we took the bus there were days where i was like get me off this fucking but i have dolly world well i snapped at dolly world right at pigeon forge i freaked the fuck out we got into a crazy fight and i left everybody at dolly world took an uber went down to margaritaville met a nice couple who just got married and i got hammered and i was like i'll pay for all of your meal whatever you guys want and they're you know they were a young couple and they were like really you don't have to do that and i was like no no i'm having a fucking day i got hammered by myself i just was sick sometimes you needed to walk we were all so burnt dude we were fucking fried because you're with everyone all day and the bus is you you do the show wrangle everybody do the meet and greet say hi to everybody then get on that fucking bus and try to go to sleep then it's this on a bus till you get to a new city yeah you're disoriented i try to work out or something you go get one fucking meal and then they're like you're disoriented you're disoriented you're disoriented we got to go do meet and greets and sit at the shows and the pictures so you you're just so annoyed and disoriented you don't get time to like settle yeah so that the bus will never fucking do again i'll i when i hear people that do the bus i'm like god bless it sounds like a good idea i fucking hate it it sounds like a good idea at burt the fact that like burt and there's a few guys that do it exclusively i i just don't get i don't get how they do it i don't kudos to the people that can do that's why you see bands break up you know why bands break up because of the fucking bus i a lot of egos it's a lot of like if if you know none of these guys but if yeah if someone was bringing a wanted they wanted to bring a girl back or someone i don't have friends or whatever and you're like i don't want these people near my shit yeah i'm really kind of personal and secluded so i'm like i don't want someone on the bus with our fucking stuff so then there becomes this weird it's a weird balance it kind of sucks man it's okay and and it's funny when you say it because when when that happened in australia right and we had the conversation he said man when he settled down and was like man i just think because dude i just i spent three weeks before i came to australia over in europe and turkey and all those other places opening for somebody else because then i came to australia and sydney was the last one so this is after two and a half weeks in australia he goes he's yeah i shouldn't have did i just i was freaking out a little bit and he said what set him off was i didn't watch his set i'm backstage i guess he didn't have the time to do the interview he said i was freaking out i just went up and i didn't realize i said it i just went up and go hey give it up for t-robin adam and they're kind of funny man and he goes kinda he he stuck to that word kinda he goes she's shitting on me for that's what set him off and i go bro i go i didn't realize i said it yeah it's just a word that's just throwing shit away you know he was like yeah i thought you i thought you was shitting on me i go dude have i ever shit on you i would never do that no i'm not on stage or an interview like even this i'm not shitting on you'll talk shit to his face 100 yeah yeah yeah believe me he's told a bad joke i was in the green room clear get down get down but i will say i respect him a lot because he he's only doing it like four or five years that guy will go out there and try a bunch of new shit in 30 minutes good he will go out there i'm like uh that didn't work he told me one time in india he goes yeah i got a feeling this ain't gonna be a good set i go why he goes i'm about to try a bunch of new shit and i go what and sure enough he goes out there trying i said i respect comics more that you know they almost like a boxer you know you're down on points and you need that knockout you gotta swing and you're just i'm gonna take this big swing because i always tell them i go guys if i bomb they leave pissed yeah if you don't do well but i still hit they leave happy it doesn't matter you're in the sweet spot right i go there's no reason if we got six shows on a weekend you're doing the same show verbatim you don't need to try some new shit out but i always say pepper in the pepper in the the a oh yeah of course it's like pepper it in get them in the beginning get them at the end but in that middle work something out man smooth it out work something out and not every show but I said if you do six shows and it's verbatim you just wasted the weekend yeah they don't want to see it well shout out to Adam Adam I don't know who you are Adam Fink man Adam Fink no he's a good guy man Adam Fink God bless stop talking shit don't stop talking shit in Sydney though bro not about the boss not about the big boss Adam you know better dog not in front of them Australian people alright let me say this I love you I appreciate you coming to this show as usual you're the man he's got 50 cities left on this tour it sounds like yeah well they and then they re-upped it so we're we'll go to New Year's Eve and we'll take like two three weeks off and then we come back we come back in January and those cities are getting announced who are you fucking Matt Rife Jesus Christ so that's like that kid he did like three years straight or something do you know that he didn't stop he took he was in Nashville and he did the same thing I did he's like I he cancelled like a couple weeks he told us he did when he came on the show he did say he had to like he had kind of a break he kind of felt like overwhelmed and had to go home and I told him I said they're gonna kill you dude they'll tour you to death if you don't if you don't say no they'll go fill it up well my thing with Australia and Europe I hadn't ever been well that's so I was excited yeah sure and then it hit me I go man I gotta I gotta I gotta sit down bro that's the first time in my life I felt it I felt mentally and physically I go dude I gotta I can't do this this i'm gonna be miserable because you guys i was about to do 11 cities in 18 days in europe and it's different cultures yeah you know what i mean it's funny because edinburgh i heard you say that was one of the cities edinburgh is great it's a beautiful place you'll get back with edinburgh as edinburgh edinburgh is how they say it that's scotland right scotland yeah yeah what else did i have in sky had two cities in scotland edinburgh i don't know it was it was it was a lot i was looking at the the routing i was like this is a lot it's heavy well you'll get back out there yeah i'll get back out there one day go see him live right now uh it's got to be garyowen.com there's no dot live come on bro garyowen.live can we not afford the com i had it and i lost it in the divorce i swear to god fuck you no that's real yeah yeah because we had garyowen.com and i got divorced and it was in the mix where we went and talking to each other and she was like i don't know what to do i don't know what to do i don't know what to do she paid the domain to have the domain why would she even want that i don't think she realized it i don't think she did out of spite i just think she was handling the bills why don't you let me call her and say hey give them back the com they was like i was like yo i can't even call her because we was voice avoid a process server i go i need a new website like right now asap they just went oh what about live i said done so it's been garyowen.live garyowen.live it says this domain's for sale gary let's buy it you gotta buy it you probably put it up for sale she let it go we got okay we gotta get it for this air so is this yeah yeah shut up don't say anything yeah yeah yeah wipe it out wipe it out i gotta call my manager asap go go to garyowen.live go see the man don't go by garyowen.com please god don't don't go by please god we're gonna edit that out yeah cut that out we end the show the same way look into that camera and say one word or one phrase to end the show something that closes us out it can be a word of wisdom it could be just one word that sticks out in your mind go bingles in here we put the poor whisk whisk whisk whisk whisk you were that creature in the ginger beard sturdy and ginger like vampires the ginger gene is a curse gingers are beautiful you owe me five dollars for the whiskey and 75 dollars for the horse gingers are hell no this whiskey is excellent ginger i like 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