"From Scotch and Crotchless Panties..." | EPISODE 50 - Linnie Z

I'm ever going to be. Hey fam, my name is Linnie and I'm a recovering basic garden variety substance abuse or Raven. Hi everybody that I haven't seen in a long time. Hi everybody that I've never seen before. I'm glad you're all here. I'm a little nervous. I'm counting days because-- because I can. 5,944 days. This isn't my first rodeo. I was here for eight years and then I had to go out and do another eight years of fucking research and discovery. I mean, I didn't-- hadn't created that much damage when I first got here, but I needed to get DUIs. And now I'm like 60s and I'll be 67 next month. I'm like a grandma lady with no grandkids. And I'm a felon. I don't know because there's some still some part of me that's almost like I'm a felon or I'm a felon. It's-- it goes both ways. Let's see, it all started in a small farm in Iowa. Now I'm full of shit. That's Amelia Earhart. It started in Jersey City. My parents were babies raising babies. They did the best they could with what they had. I wasn't too hot. So I grew up around a lot of alcoholism and a lot of knuckle headness and you know, relatives just fallen down on the bogs for hundreds of years. So it just kind of came with the territory. My parents broke up when I was 12. Mom took up with dad's best friend, came back to us kids. And I wasn't agreeable about it. I kept running away to my grandmother and my dad. So my mom took me to Family Court and I was made a ward of the state. I was really fortunate. I had a social worker who saw what the deal was. So instead of being sent to the reform school that my mom wanted me to go to, could stuff at my dad. And I don't know why. Yeah, anyway. I locked out. I got to go to a Catholic boarding school and my school. And because the nuns kind of understood what I was coming away from, there's no horror stories. They were really, really kind to me. And they were really nurturing. And they looked out for me. And there was, I mean, although sympathy is between shit and syphilis and the dictionary, they were sympathetic. And at that stage in my universe, I kind of needed that. I felt kind of rejected. I guess when your mom gives you to the government instead of your grandpa and your dad, you kind of just don't understand what's going on in the world and how can this happen. So, but yeah, OK, so before I went away to school, I remember all the kids getting together. And the big kid got the wine for everybody to share. And I had the big kid getting me a little bottle of Jack Daniels. Why Jack Daniels? I don't know. No one else in the family drank Jack Daniels. But that should have been a friggin' red flag that everybody's getting all giddy, sharing the bottle of wine. And then I need hard liquor. Anyway, I went away to school and that was lovely. Left before I graduated and then got a GED. So I graduated before I would have graduated so that my father didn't kill me. It's one thing leaving school. It's another thing not graduating. I moved to a little college town called New Falls, New York. I got a job running this little kind of burger joint, small place. They gave me a lot of responsibility and a lot of title and shit money. But I was a kid. I didn't know better. I lived in a treehouse. But when it rained, I couldn't get to my treehouse because the river would come up. So I'd stay with friends. But I remember this one gentleman. And I can't remember his name for the life of me, but my memory is shot. Years of drinking and drug and maybe I don't know, but any or could just be age. But I remember being really impressed. Well, when he had an accent and that was nice, when he was a lot older than me, I've always like older men, but not that much older. And but he put scotch in his milk. He had that every day at lunch. And I didn't understand them. And it's like, yeah, he's probably got a friggin' ulcer. So he's got to put, you know, scotch in these needs the milk. But even that, that I was impressed with that. But mostly early on in my teens and 20s, I was it. Was mostly dry goods and shitty wine. I remember leap from milk. That sweet garbage shit. And I'd say, oh, but I love the cask. I'll put some dried flowers in it. It was fucking bullshit. But then it was what? The 80s, right? Or the 70s. So it's 157, 166. Yeah, okay. So late 70s, early 80s. And then Peruvian marching powder came to town. And I had this phenomenal fare. I was working in Manhattan. I had leased out a coat room. And you pay for the coat room and you man it for the season. And I'm walking out of there with like three to $500 cash a night. And it was all going up my nose. So I had to run away from home because I was living a double life. My boyfriend owned a restaurant on the east side. And I'd come rolling in from my friend Dilley's in the morning. And he'd say, drunk again. It's like, I wasn't drunk. I was, I was snort co-cola night. So I had to go to upstate New York and move in with my mother and get my act together. So I immediately got a job tending bar because, you know, what is a good alcoholic to? And I met this guy and he was a politics and economics professor. And I was supposed to be stupid. My mother believed I was stupid. I guess right. Well, my parents broke up. None of our school records caught up. Because first my mom left and she came and dumped us kids and her brothers in Florida. Then she brought us to upstate New York. So they had a test as all. Now I'm dyslexic. I don't test well. And I was never great in school. I was just a little below average student. And they tested us. And there they had these sections, A, B, C, D, E, F, and G, H. And I wound up in a higher section than my older sister. My mother came and argued with me. She cheated off her sister. And they're like, sorry. They were in different rooms. But it was the beginning of me starting to cue in on what this deal, this dynamic between us. When my mother was pregnant with me, she asked her dad if she could move back home. She already had my older sister. And my grandfather said, no, if you just had the one you could. My mother being one of us and still not in not still drinking. Truly believed that I ruined her life. And just so maybe logically she knew that I didn't ask to show up. But there was that resentment. But I had a grandmother, my dad's mother, who thought the sun rose and said on me. So I got all that mothering that I needed. I got all that nurturing. And it was still awkward to feel like it's awkward to this day. She's dying of cancer now. And just the energy, you know, when this woman still fucking resents me and the JB and being the kind of drunk that when she crosses that invisible line, she gets ugly and nasty. So there's still that worry when she does the drink and dial. And I want to be nice, because hey, you're 87. They told you weeks to months to live back in October. And you're starting to lose your mind a little here. So anyway, I don't. OK, so we're up to Tendenbar, politics and economics professor. I was tired of that job. So I took a welding course and I went and got a job as an iron worker. And it was just on a whim. When they called me, when I went to a pliforce, and they called me in, there were two other women. The two other women were very big, very strong black women. And I'm like, all right, they're looking for an iron worker trainee and they've got three broads coming in. They're going to do the double whammy. They're going to get minority and female. They're not going to hire me. Well, as luck would have it, both of those women were totally intimidated by this giant erector set that had no road service. I worked on a bridge that they were refurbishing. They built a new bridge across the Hudson and the old one. They were refurbishing it. And I was like a kid on my keyboard, and they gave me the job. And again, there I was with too much money and nothing. And what do they call that disposable income? It's all freeing and disposable income. My boyfriend's tenants paid the mortgage. And yeah, I had like car insurance. And that's it. My fell on the bridge, somebody didn't clean up something near a weep hole, and my leg went down. I was OK. I was on crutches for a while, had a big bruise. from my, my knee to my hip and I needed to find another job. So I went and applied for a job as a receptionist at a company that was pressure treating lumber. Well did a nice step in shit again. After a week they promoted me to sales. They saw something in me that I didn't know I had myself. Years later psychosocial assessments were done at wine supper, my natural born promoter and for a slater. Oh no, oh fucking no. So it's easy to be a cheerleader for hey, let's all get sober. Anyway, they gave me a big raise, a company car and expense account. It was ridiculous. Now the dynamic of what went on, I was supposed to be buying dinner or buying lunch for my clients. But I was young and I was cute and I was smart. So they weren't gonna let me pay for lunch or dinner. So the expense account really came in handy for me and my friends. And then I started learning about the right wine to have with the meal, the right thing to have before dinner, the right thing to have after dinner. And if I wasn't taking a client out to dinner and I was on the road, I was going out to dinner with with the owners at work and the team. And at some point in my late 20s, I crossed that invisible line because they'd always give linear the wineless, linear, pick it out and all of a sudden, linear wasn't picking out the wineless, linear was having scotch before dinner with dinner after dinner. And when we wrapped up with the gang at work, then linear was meeting her friends and having more scotch. And this went on and on and on for years. And then the company went under and I became a day drinker. And I met this friend. I seemed to always have friends around me who drank and drug more than I did. Whether it was conscious or unconscious, just so I didn't have to take a look at what the fuck I was doing. So he would knock on my window. I had Florida ceiling windows. We had this old Victorian tenants in the top two floors and we had the basement in the main level. They'd knock on the window and they'd bring me scotch. He'd wake me up and it's because he'd been up and out all night. I didn't like crack. It was very fortunate that I didn't like crack. Otherwise, I might not be sitting here telling you because I liked everything. And company went under. I'm getting unemployment. I got this friend who parties more than I do and I've learned to party more as well. And the next thing you know, he's moving to Florida. I'm like, what am I doing here? I'm not going to I'm not going to find that cushy job like I had. It's so I came down to Florida. And I remember driving down. I remember weaning myself from the drinking before I came down. I crashed at my mother's for like the week before to spend time with my sisters and family. And I pour some scotch every day and then not pour anymore. Just keep adding ice and water to it because I'm trying not to let the cat out. But I remember driving down to Florida from New York. And when I got like halfway through Florida and I'm not a beer drinker, stopping knowing that I needed a fucking drink. I needed something and got this big tall boy, a some kind of beer and just suck that back so that I could make the rest of the drive. First day I got to Florida. I was at an Applebee's. It's like a chain down here. It may be all over the country for all I know. And I met a girl and I got a job. I went up. I went from wholesaling lumber to retailing crotchless panties. Quite a move. So I was managing a lingerie shop. But if I got you in a stall, I was going to sell you a pair of crotchless panties because I prided myself on being able to talk people into crotchless panties. Anyway, the first night that I was there, I remember leaving some bar and stopping at some place called Miami. Some they had great yearos. And I asked him where the after hours was. No, we don't have after hours. We have bottle clubs. And they explained to me what bottle clubs are. You've got to bring your own bottle. But they said, tell them the kids for Miami. Sub-senshi, you can drink on us tonight and then bring your own bottle. And of course, I went over there and drank till the sun came up and had a fine, dandy time. And of course, the next night, I showed up and I showed up with instead of just a bottle, one of those like jug-handled bottles. Reason being, if Miami Sub-kids were saying you can drink on us, then they might use my liquor for somebody else too. So I wanted to make sure there was always liquor there. And then my boyfriend too, I moved down here because of I'm going to work the first the next day. And I had some paper money and some change on the nightstand. And he asked me if he could have it. And I said, no, we're not playing this fucking game. And I wound up moving across the bed with my mom's brother and my aunt, uncle, and cousins and whatnot. A couple weeks later, like two weeks later, I met some friends and wound up becoming roommates with them. But just it was so, it was so odd that I'm like, you can fuck with anything, just don't fuck with my money. And then I look back too. I mean, here it was just after Halloween. He and I had been dating since January or something. We played body games twice. That's how much drinking and drugging we did. We only had sex twice. That says something to me about the amount of of groovy and marching powder and scotch, I was thinking, he wasn't my boyfriend. He was my drinking drugging buddy. And we played a body game once or twice. Anyway, the next thing you know, I'm having an affair with my fucking eating bed. I'd come home from work or come home from the bar or come home from the after hours. It's my neck. It's my stomach. It's my neck. It's my stomach. And I get on the horn. I've got to stop drinking. And I'm calling. I'm calling the local detox. Now we don't have a bed. We don't have a bed in hindsight. I realize that lots of people at two and three in the morning are going to make a fresh start. And then by the time the sun comes up, they wake up the next day. They're drinking and drugging again. But I stayed with it. And finally after the sun came up, they said they had a bed. It's like, okay, game on. And I remember getting there. And it was like some government place, some county rent place here. It's called par. I didn't forget what par stands for. I remember there was a picnic table out back and there was a can of government peanut butter that somebody had opened not even with a nice can opener. Like with those jabby can opener. So it was like, oh my god, where am I? They told me I didn't have to go to a meeting because I was new. I said, no, no, I want to go to a meeting. And I just remember, and it was it's huge meeting because there were people there long term. There were people there short term. There were people just in detox. It was all kinds of shit going on there. And I remember them saying there are those who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. Starting fucking crying. I'm sitting on my hands. I want to scream out, no, no, I'm not constitution, but I'm still. I'm a fucking hot mess. My life's a mess. But I have a job selling crotchless pins. So I go to the meeting at the end of the meeting. They read the promises. It should be up at KFN home. I'm an optimistic sort of girl. I like hope and faith and charity. Yeah, they were cousins and my dad's hope faith and charity. Anyway, they really are. Yeah. But they all had weird nicknames, Muggy, Boo Boo, Pookie, Fats, yeah, and weird faith. So I follow, oh, the next day I had a I needed food. I wasn't going to hang out and have this shit. Oh, and but that night they gave everybody drugs except me. I'm like, why aren't I getting drugs? Why is everybody else getting drugs? Because you're not that sick. No, I'm that fucking sick. Anyway, they didn't give me drugs. The next day I just wanted to stay. I wanted food. I just I remember once after an abortion, I had two stakes because I was just and was that same kind of hurt. Anyway, I called and the counselors and what not only to me like yeah sure it's Friday night you ain't going to grab it's style. Like nah really? really said anyway, my roommate came pick me up and that was that and I had stake. And then I'd call them every night and I'd follow that group around until all the different meetings they were going to. And then finally I found one I really liked and I was young, I was 35, there were a lot of young people and I by what's it stuck my heels in. But I had a dirty little secret and my secret was that whole God thing that I just you know I didn't address it I didn't tell them I'm really not in agreement with this part. And I also had reservations and not for dinner in time I had reservations. So anyway here I jump right in the middle we had meetings at seven in the morning I was there every fucking day I was desperate and we had meetings at 11 o'clock at night so we'd have you know seven in the morning nine noon three in the afternoon six at night eight at night eleven at night so and I just kind of lived in that room when I wasn't working. And boy meets girl on AA campus now on my insights well allegedly were fucked up I was always in the hospital with these five word tumors and some obscure situation and they call it obscure because they didn't know what the fuck was wrong but anyway I was told I'd never conceive on the slim chance that I did wouldn't go full term. Low and behold I'm knocked up I'm 35 years old but the guy now this guy is not as smart as the action I'm used to he's not as good looking as the action I'm used to he's not as educated as the action that I usually take up with. But somebody says she got to change everything playmates and playpens so I was trying to change everything. Meanwhile next thing you know I'm pregnant I said you do not have to come along for the ride I'm doing this and you you know this is new you and I and you you know no no no I want to go go go go okay good anyway he didn't really do so next thing you know where like the golden couple all they got the baby I'm picking up a one-year medallion with a six-week-old in my arms Jesus fucking Christ. Nine months later nine months of fucking misery this guy didn't want to be a dad he didn't even want to be fucking sober so his sponsor said that's probably not your kid now be well all in my family and all of his family have come down to visit. The kid is like carbon copy of his dad's baby pictures you put it together you don't know which kid is which kid you know anything. It became kind of ugly then I really fucked up it didn't realize how much Florida was the south. So now there's a bunch of these recovery homes that have opened up in the neighborhood and their recovery homes for pregnant women and some for women with very small children. I got this big old Lincoln fucking town car now and I got a baby and these girls got babies and I'm bringing the babies to the meetings and I'm loading up my big old Lincoln town car with women of color sometimes I'm making two trips wait where am I drop you guys up I'm gonna go back to the other they didn't like that I didn't realize how much they didn't like that so now the next thing is an outside issue. Lenny's breastfeeding in the meeting and it's not like I'm whipping the tid out and still I'm my mom what's that word modest yeah. They have this big emergency group group conscience meeting and I see what's going on I'm sure all right well girls we're probably gonna have to find someplace else because we're about to get home here and lo and behold some old timer who knew you know I didn't shit about traditions I'm fucking a year sobering or a year and a year and nine months by then so almost two years sobering and I'm busy raising a baby just trying to stay sober I haven't studied traditions but anyways it's a fucking outside issue don't you know leave it alone but it became obvious what was going on there so so that was that eventually I moved north county so I had to leave that group and found other groups and uh things are fine and dandy but I always had that reservation at the back of my head if I didn't get knocked up what I have stayed sober you know was that the motivator what if what and then I nursed him to leave was done I was gonna do something called child-led weaning instead I did the child is in total fucking control of this show and he's in charge so it's like two weeks before his fourth birthday he was done so that also oh I can't drink even if I want that nurse and a child well one thing leads to another and the next thing you know it's a few years later my sponsor dies and she doesn't I don't get another sponsor and my sponsor was like a gramol lady to my son and a wonderful friend to me and and the next thing you know it's I'm sober eight years and somebody sends me some chocolates but they're from Canada they have real liquor in them I don't know this I know the ones in this stage you can't put liquor in them because you can't sell chocolates to kids well liquor in them so I just assumes they're just fucking flavored I didn't get drunk but I just give it myself a thimble full of of whiskey on a regular basis for been between Thanksgiving and Christmas next thing you know it's after new years and some some dilatate and the psychologist dilatate who like how to come down from Canada meet me because he was sure I was and I was sure I was like fuck all yeah you want to come down come on down well hang I'll prove to you that I'm not your dream partner I don't know what happened but the next thing you know I'm drinking a bottle of Roof Foucault Shampoo and for the next six weeks I'm having a little bit of wine here and there and then I'm off to the races with the Scotch but real different than before because I can't drink around the kid but I had a good friend who was like dad guy family a choice friend not a boyfriend just family a choice friend who had kind of stepped in as dad guy when my son was about two years old and I remember him coming to me and he says he wants to call dad like I'll give a shit if you don't give a shit you know I you know I love you or my friend I trust yet I thought he was a good role model I didn't know he was an alcohol too holy shit so that's uh yeah so there were spaces where I could drink in spaces where I couldn't so I became this binge drinker and when my friend Jack had my son I'd drink for the weekend and and I was a power drinker I could drink for I there were times that I drank for 72 hours without sleeping in the more I drank the more sober I became um yeah I'd be a pain in the ass to my friends you know I'd get to this point where I'm like come on sit up you know you're you're not acting like you know ladies and gentlemen it's like yeah I would get on people for being sloppy yeah my friends love me they come to my house after playing Dungeons of Dragons and I'd be cooking and drinking and they'd been drinking I'm like yeah you know you went dinner you got to act right anyway um few DUIs driving across the bay to the after hour my final DUI was just jocke in a car in the parking lot by then I could have got my license back but I just knew that I was a fuck up so I didn't even bother to get it back even now I could have got my license back 10 years ago I don't get it back because I'd have to work three jobs to be able to afford the friggin insurance breathalyzer on it anyway it got really ugly right I married some got my father died and right after my father died I met this guy was a marine retired officer in the Marine Corps so different than but um the week after my father died I poured myself a bottle big time and the first night homes I stayed with friends I was afraid to be alone I was afraid to be home my first night home I met this guy well I'm still married to the set of the bed but we have been estranged for yeah we lived together for like 15 minutes in 2006 but he keeps me in toilet paper garbage bags coffee beans and assorted other suchries anyway um I got married just like in a New York second I met him right after Thanksgiving on New Year's Eve in the in the middle of fuckingness he proposed I said yes two weeks later we got married Jesus Christ if my father hadn't died my father would have met the son of a bitch and said you're not marrying that fucking guy lady anyway we had plenty of dysfunction and uh yeah Eventually we got some kind of fighting came back from his girlfriend's house picking up stuff at my house I'm like this won't fucking do get the fuck out. I have worked tomorrow. It's too late And anyway, I was drinking it was same Patty's day same Patty's day 2000 That same Patty's day 16 years ago 2007 2008 anyway I'm in jail now the police come even though it's my place I'm the drunk one and I'm not the one saying that motherfucker said he was gonna kill me So all I wanted how to say they would have taken away bottom line is I could handle going jail He couldn't it did break him. It did fuck you break him. He's just such a proud Greed it and kill him it did kill him so anyway They take me away and I hear them on the radio We have a cooperative female. This is how fucking bad it got. I'm cooperative. It's a guy. Yeah, I know this game Ridiculous many found out that I had gotten to DUI a couple weeks before so he wasn't even gonna bail me out That was that Fortunately I had friends who came to my rescue and I came home and I drank it the whole situation Oh, I'm pissed off and my friends are rallying around me and we're drinking at the situation and next thing, you know, it's 11 o'clock at night and My friend David comes by with a bottle of fancy wine and I get out the fancy wine glasses and all that's left It's David and my friend Christy and I and to this day I can't remember whether I took the sip or whether I just smelt it or but That was it. It was done. I put it down now I'd been weeding out liquor in the house. It's like my liquor cat infect I tore down the liquor cap because it was a broom closet and shelves above I kept the liquor But I was weeding out like all kinds of old stuff, you know peppermint schnapps or some apricot stuff Different things that I had gotten for friends who didn't drink like I did who's like wanted some fruit something and I'd make sure and I'd always have you know, I could call somebody and I got a bottle of such and such with your name on it I didn't like to drink alone and I've been pouring stuff out. So now all that was left was high-end Scotch low-end Scotch and middle of the road Scotch And I turned around to my friends. It was here in the carport out there and I put the glass down I said I got to go I'm done for the night you guys clean up. I'm as long as you want I went inside and I fucking climbed down under my bed and just rolled into a ball and said I got to stop this I got to stop this and the next morning I got up and before I even went to pee I spilled everything out And said this is it now I'm done and then a few days later I went to a meeting and I went to a meeting that was Had this terrible reputation of being mean and being hardball and and I was so down on myself And I'm gonna go where they're mean And I sat there in a bride and bride and then I also learned how foolish it so many people are including myself All of these broads are like, oh here's my number if you need if you need if you No one no one no one could give me a fucking ride It was fine. I knew how to ride my bicycle I rode my bicycle everywhere I jumped in the middle. I met squirrel from France It was getting sober too and she and I would fucking be dressed to the nines riding our bicycles around town And I had a fine time had a fun time I get sober. I met a lot of people I still had my dirty little secret about the god shit, but that was okay. That was okay. I I was used to keeping that secret because I was raised Catholic anything the only reason I was raised Catholic was so that my parents could screw on Sunday mornings when they sent the kids to church That's my story. I'm sticking to it But I remember making my first communion and I put on the party dress and I went to the castle and I went through all the motions At a big party everything was lovely and coming back to school on Monday It was like I went from what happened to the lost lamb and all that It was like it was like we all turned into sinners overnight I just had a totally different energy So I wasn't a particularly good student, but in catechism I was fucking great Because I wasn't gonna have them tell me that I needed to know something that And I never wanted to be backed into a corner where I had to come right out say to him I think all this is kind of hokey and my little bullshitty, you know And I don't appreciate the fact that I went through your pop and circumstance And now you're treating us different So I had my own dirty little secrets since I was seven so it was no big deal all these A.I.Rs if they know it was like yeah, nah I'm used to having my own I don't have that shit So yeah, I hung around and I got connected up And then a friend of mine then I met I met this girl who asked me if I needed a sponsor and she was 25 years sober And I thought yes, it's wonderful And she kept not showing up where we agreed to show up And then finally when she showed up she showed up at this women's meeting that I've been going to regularly And the the women there knew me And she did one of those You sit down and shut up you don't have anything to say And I just turned around and everybody had said all the women sitting on the table like Look like a different girl you're being mean to Arlene And I just said to her you're fine and that was bad So a couple of days later I met this woman who had this wonderful jacket And she and I were both jacket boys and I asked if she'd be my sponsor. I loved her energy and she was New York Irish Catholic real fucking Catholic, but she never put that shit on me. She never expected any of that from me and She was she was also a psychologist So I got to have outside help inside and we became attached at the hip So for a dozen years I had this charming My mother my sister my best friend my confidant She was a god awful gossip though. Oh my god. She tell me stories about people. I'm like I don't even know you're talking about Joanne But she was a good sponsor and she loved me and she nurtured me and she walked me through so much and and Because I feel like because she was a psychologist For me so much is about causes and conditions not oh, I just give it to God or oh some bad happen. That's me some good happen. Oh, I was gone It's about it's about Taking responsibility for what I fucking created and understanding what I created and understanding where I can forgive myself because I'm not responsible and where I need to take responsibility because I was Anyway, Joanne died And a couple of years ago and she was 55 years so moving she died But we were attached at the hip for years for years we met every day at meetings We took a meal together most days some days two meals We a friend of mine retired in the building that she had her business and she turned into like a 12 step club So there's every kind of Meeting they are possible, but mostly a a a n You know, there's OCA and ACOA and and yeah all kinds of all kinds of other And so that was a great place that again here's a clubhouse meetings from seven o'clock in the morning till 11 o'clock at night So that was wonderful anyway Joanne died and I asked my friend Bob's girlfriend Who I'd known and she was so go long time if she'd be my sponsor and I know I couldn't replace Joanne Nothing was gonna but I needed to have somebody And now for the last couple years I've been saying I need a new sponsor because Because Stella is in the early stages or now in the later stages of dementia So I need a sponsor, but I just feel like I have enough people in AA that I'm connected up with that I can turn to Um, but that it's that it's okay Um Yeah is 15 minutes up yet All right, so I guess I should probably wrap this up. What do you think Raven? Bring it full circle Thomas is like that keep posted. We like this shit James the gank you brola All right, so now I I'm like on this fence with Going back to because I didn't start going to face to face regularly as soon as the pandemic ended So the pandemic rolls around Joanne is dead. I can't go on any cruises. Yeah, that's with so bright, he has done for me 52 cruises in the last 10 years, which is really the last eight years, because I had to take two years off for the pandemic. Yeah, you know, so I've traded alcoholism for cruises or something like that. Anyway, so yeah, I'm having this personal dilemma. I'm not on Zoom as much. I'm not staying up as late. It's late for me. It's not it's quarter to two here. But I'm not as involved as I was. And it's because I'm doing more face to face. But I feel like I should choose one or the other. But I can't. It's like all of a sudden Mary says something out of the blue. And I'm like, I'm a fly by the city of your pants last minute. If she said, Hey, next week, Kenya, I'm like, I don't even know next week is going to arrive and I'll be here. But I can tell tomorrow. Yep. Yep. I'll stay up. Anyway, it's good being sober. I have not had a bad day since I got sober. I've had pieces of days that were fucking bullshit, miserable. I wanted a punch a wall or I wanted to cry or I wanted to throw all under the covers. But I haven't had an entire day that was bullshit. And it's because I refuse to. I refuse. I refuse to pull it in for that wall. Whatever knucklehead thing goes on that I can get interrelated about isn't worth be staying interrelated for the entire day. Yeah, I think I think I'm kind of that's that's good for now. I'm starting to waffle. So thanks for inviting me Mary. It's about time I showed up. But how many months have I been going to do this? Man, I won't be cruising till the fall. So that's I don't cruise in the summer. It's too hot. Okay. So if nobody told you they loved you today, you might want to think about getting some new fucking friends. I love you. And there's nothing you can do about it. Thanks fam.