From Requirements to Architecture: The System Design Framework

Welcome to the Dad Edge Podcast. The Dad Edge movement creates leaders of men, leaders of families, and leaders of communities. We will not only impact this generation of fathers, but the next generation as well. The kids we are raising will have better chances and odds stacked in their favor because of the amazing example that their fathers emulated for them. We are here to change the world. We are here to change relationships. We are here to positively disrupt this generation of fathers so no man goes to their grave with regrets. We disrupt the drift of busyness and replace it with razor-focused intention, passion, purpose, and direction. We are the Dad Edge and we're here to change the game. If you're trying to put those puzzle pieces of your marriage together and you don't know what to do or maybe you're stuck in roommate syndrome which ain't so much fun at all, check out my guest today. Today is a replay from last year. Today you're going to hear GS Youngblood the author of two best selling books. Number one, the masculine in relationship and also the art of the embodiment of men where he has a three-part blueprint that takes you from being a nice guy or a relationship that's in roommate syndrome with your marriage and he lays out exactly what you need to do. Why am I doing this replay? I'm doing this replay. This was actually last summer in 2025 but I'm doing it because I have gotten so many emails over the past couple of months for men who are really really struggling in their marriages. Plus in our environment in our community I've also been talking a lot about GS's work and he's even helped me with my clients in helping them and I'll tell you you know it's it's far and few between you come across someone like GS Youngblood who really really knows what it means to be a good masculine man because there are two extremes of this. There's the ultimate nice guy who is disrespected. He's unappreciated and he's usually filled with resentment because he's not getting his needs met and he just does not know what to do. And then there's the ultimate toxic masculine guy who is who's extremely extreme if that's even a word or two but very extreme controlling domineering and misogynistic and that's not what's attractive in our relationships either. So I'm doing this replay today because it's purposeful because it's meaningful and because this has been one of our top shows in the past year and if you're struggling in your relationship whatsoever this conversation today is for you. And before we get started today I want to let you guys know it is the beginning of July. It is the end of June and as you guys know I had a huge promotion for the Alliance and the boardroom for the month of June which I gave away four things and I'm doing it again in the month of July because I've got a ton of emails and a ton of questions like hey is this gone is this expired so I'm going to extend it one more month and that's it. Hard stop on July 31. So if you want to join the Alliance or the data edge boardroom those are our two platforms. You can go to the dad edge dot com forward slash join what you're going to get if you join us in either one of those programs the boardroom is for entrepreneurs the Alliance is for our W2 guys. You are going to get a signed copy of my latest book pursuit of legendary fatherhood male directly from me to you personalized copy. You're also going to get access to two of my most popular courses over the past five years that are $500 each but you're going to get them for free if you join us in this month. One is creating more patients in the heat of chaos where I teach you six tactical skills to be more responsive which actually we're going to be talking about today on today's podcast with GS how to respond versus react. But I'm going to teach you very tactically six skills that are going to help you be calm in the heat of chaos. Also creating an extraordinary marriage where I teach you 11 tactical skills on how to create attraction polarity not being the nice guy better communication better sex more off more frequency of sex. All these different things that we truly truly want and it's going to come from a genuine place. And finally a new brand new resource that I have name come out with publicly yet it's 50 intimate conversation starters. This is a really fun PDF I've got 50 questions divided up into eight different categories. You guys as individuals parenting your marriage vision for the future and also your physical relationship have fun with these questions like I said go the dad edge dot com forward slash join or you can check out this episode the dad edge dot com forward slash 14 99 enjoy chance. Yes man it's so good to have you here brother thank you for coming on the podcast of their brother. Yeah my pleasure. Yeah so let's I always like to start these podcasts with you know your childhood it's a dad show so I'm so curious man what was it like going up with with your dad. Oh let's see you know I'm very close to my dad he's still with us and but he was more intense when I was younger he was definitely more intense and I think I had a I had a a brother that was a wayward soul just to put it mildly and that you know that caused a lot of friction and so I observed the tension between the two of them and one of the things that I came to learn in therapy and I realized we're really diving in quick here but all things I learned and when I did therapy after I got to forest was just the impact of that and how that polarized me into becoming the good boy as a as a young person and so it's a dynamic I've had to deal with and grow through as I as I moved into adulthood but it was it was an intense childhood I would say and a loving one as well my father did so much with me activities and sports and and really just all the stuff that you want your dad to do with you so he he along with the intensity he gave me a really great legacy of attention I love that can we let's talk about how did he how did he strike that balance I mean it sounds like what he he was a bit more on the intensive side growing up which some of the words he used I just want to make sure that I'm reflecting back maybe what your childhood sort of felt like it was like I appreciate it I know I'm loved I know that I'm seen I'm connected to him I also don't really want to piss him off at the same time because and I'll have maybe at times did it feel like you were walking on eggshells or fragile ground yeah I could be like that it's just seeing the intensity with the brother who intensity really never got directly aimed at me which is an interesting dynamic but I would watch it from the from the outside of that diet so yeah I definitely stayed on stayed I was on you know there's a little bit of walking on eggshells but definitely stayed the straight course because there was a little bit of fear there and that that brings up such that larger question around parenting especially the dad of sort of fear versus love and and how do you parents and how do you how do you guide your kids you know through fear or through gentle guidance and letting them become self-sufficient I'll I will say this I went to the other way with my kids this of being very supportive of them firm so it's like it's that combination of firm but loving I think I I really am very proud of how I struck that bounce and I love how the kids have turned out they're all super independent they're all very they can stand out for themselves really well and I don't think there's that lingering echo of fear that I think that the maybe I experienced and a lot of people do experience when they've got a more intense dad yeah it's it's firmness with heart which you know coincidentally enough really informed my work with men you know how men should be with their women and you actually need to be very grounded very have that straight spine and a big heart and that's that's kind of what I talk about with my is relational masculinity still beat in your masculine but being very relational with your with your feminine partner so I really want to explore this little deeper because man this is a topic that I know that you you write about you talk about you coach to this and this is something so important and I got to be honest with the GS man we don't have many guys to talk about this topic on this show and I think if I really look at men out there like we're like I was I was more raised with that iron fist you know so it there was there was some love there right but it was more like you're gonna fear me right and I think that there's a lot of men who grew up in that environment and I think because a lot of men grew up in that environment what they want to do is they want to swing to this other side of the pendulum and be like really really soft in a way you know to where the structure is super loose right it's like I don't want to say that guys allow their kids get away with murder but it is it's probably way too far on that extreme where there isn't that structure and and like if we could explore this and dive a little deeper I would love for you to just give an example of what it maybe even with one of your kids and experience that you've had with him or her over the years of like hey I'm gonna love you really really well from this masculine beautiful heart and I'm also gonna create a structure and and some discipline around ways that we operate within this family yeah you know it's it's the question that you asked brings up this this larger dynamic in society which I think is really corrosive which is everything so extraordinary So, you know, somebody who says, "I'm going to rule with an iron fist," you know, it can go to the extreme with detrimental effects. But then there's the minute we talk about, you know, coming with heart, sometimes it's characterizes that extreme. I think that you painted, which is like, just whatever goes. And we want to say, guys, we're not at either extreme. We're right here with an artful blend of clarity and just ban and heart and love. And it's, look, I can demonstrate it energetically. You know, it's, it just, this is energetically. So, don't take this, this literally, but it's the difference between, "No!" You know, or it's just, it's like, "You're like this and be like, "It's really, I love you, but no." No, we're not doing that. And you can just feel the clarity. I'm just like, "No." But I'm still in my heart. And that's the thing that I want in the master. How can you be powerful and clear and when needed unyielding? And you don't have to be all fired up about it. You can be actually, "I love you," but no. We're not doing that. And that's the energy that I want men to take with their kids and with their woman. Do you find in your experience that that is actually way more effective than no? And losing your cool? Absolutely. Absolutely. Here's the thing. You've got to survive parenting. And then after that, you want to have a really healthy adult relationship with these kids. And like a really free flowing. And this is the thing I'm enjoying so now. My kids are all in the early 20s. I'm really enjoying my relationship with them. They make time for me when I ask them to spend time. We have easy flowing interactions. I don't, we don't have the childhood trauma that, you know, I've had to overcome it myself to really be in relationship with my dad. I love that. And so when you do that, you start to really break down the relationship. That's what all rule by fear does. It breaks down the relationship. You'll get compliance. But you won't necessarily get that free flowing relationship later in life that you otherwise could have been possible. So again, I don't think I could say enough. It's that artful balance of firmness and spine and clarity and then heart. I love that. And I always, you know, it's funny. I, in my own house, in my own room, if I was raised with more that fear, you know. But I had this amazing grandfather that only lived a mile from us. And that man was just an absolute rock star in my life. But he, I would, I would actually say that from a man's point of view, that was the man that raised me is exactly what you're talking about. He was so loved. He was a blue collar tough guy. Like you're typical on the outside, but he was also very charismatic, confident and he was so loving and affectionate. He would not hesitate to give you a hug and a kiss when he spoke to you. You felt like you were the only person in the room. But man, like when you crossed him, he was very calm. He would look at you over his glasses and be like, I'm going to tell you one thing. And that was when he started a sentence with like, I'm going to tell you one thing. You knew like, oh my gosh, like something really, really important is coming. But the crazy thing is is there was a lot of intensity, a lot of yelling in my home growing up. But when my grandfather would just look at me over his glasses, be like, I'll tell you one thing. And then he just started to talk. I was like, zoned into what he was saying. He was so effective. So yeah, I really, I love that man. Yeah. And I love your anecdote because it demonstrates kind of almost at the energetic level. Clarity. Your grandfather was like, I know this is okay. And this is not okay. And you've just landed here. And he's so clear on it. And I think that's that's one of the themes that I talk about when I talk about men, Lee, more in relationship is clarity. That's you have to have the inner clarity about, I wouldn't say what's right and wrong, but what is what is within the rules and what is not within the rules. That's one of the best things that that parents and men as partners with their feminine partner can bring is that inner clarity. You can't, you can't leave anybody unless you have your own inner clarity. That's really important part of this. You know what, let's move into that. So you know that that inner clarity as a man, let's let's talk about now intimate relationships with our significant others, our wives, partners, whatever, whatever we're calling them these days. But let's talk about that clarity. Do you think that most men try to get clarity externally first before they get clarity in turn first? Yeah, it's a really keen observation on your part. Yeah, it's the nice guy tendencies that we have. And the way that I always define nice guys is they've got their radar out and they're looking for the safe thing to do. As you know, you probably even know Robert Glover, he wrote the great book on, yeah, you know, a great great book on nice guys and he really nailed it. Nice guys pretend to have no needs. But they do and then they get all pissed off and resentful that nobody ever meets their needs because they never proclaim them. And and and because they have no needs to really look at inside their radars out there just doing the safe thing and really the work that we want to do with nice guys is turn that radar back in to start to really have them be able to to feel into their own needs and bring some of them self into this. But they don't do that. They're too scared or too scared because of their childhood wounding quite frankly. And you're dead on and I love it. You know, we always point back to Robert's book in our community as the book that will give you so much clarity and piss you off at the same time. Yeah, because you're like, I'm reading my own biography in here. But so true. What is what is some of that inner work really look like because I think you're right. We go for external validation in our relationships first. And yeah, it's like that we're doing the same thing. I don't really ruffle the feathers without proclaiming like what is it I actually truly want or what is it that I truly need? What do you think is the is the first thing that a man needs to get clear on get straight as it relates to his own needs? Well, I think I would have the first thing they need is actually a couple steps back up upstream. And anybody who's heard me talk will know what I'm about to say, but I men have to have embodiment practice a daily embodiment practice to start to ground their nervous system before they like even think what their needs are. Because it doesn't matter what your needs are if your nervous system is jacked, you're always going to issue your needs because your nervous system has you scared and has you wanting to please others. So I always always recommend the first thing that I work on with my guys in the bootcamp program that I do a few tons a year. We try to install a daily embodiment practice into their life and embodiment is is in short, it's practices that take your awareness and bring them back to the body instead of on the thinking mind. That's really what we're doing is we're the we get triggered in fear and anxiety arises, then we go into our thinking mind and kind of stay safe and find a safe way out. And the thought world that you're living in when you're when you're living in your thinking mind and the thought world is always about future and past so you're never really here right now. Dealing with what's actually happening. If you can take some of your awareness and really have it naturally rest in your physicality and your body. And what it does is it brings you into the present moment more because sensation only exists in the present. So when you're kind of anchored on your sensation in your body, you you lost my train of thought, but you're going to be more in the present moment. That's what I want to say. And then you're when you're in the present moment, you're actually dealing with what's actually happening and really this these you have a little fight with your woman. And then you're probably as scary as your nervous system tries to tell you, you know, your nervous system is bringing up all this shit that happened in your childhood when you were powerless. And then you still feel a little powerless and you're in your present day life when you get triggered. But when you're in the present moment, you're just like, OK, this woman in front of me, she I love her. I care what she thinks, but I'm not in any mortal danger here. So this isn't as bad as I think. And so. I'm recommending guys before you try to do anything or learn any skills or get in touch with your needs, ground your nervous system first because at that point, everything is so much easier. I mean, we all know this. We have experiences when we're triggered, we do stupid shit. That's regressed. And when we're not triggered, when we're relaxed, we're much more generous and open and spacious and it's just a whole different ballgame. So guys, before you do anything, have a daily practice that grounds your nervous system. That's the that's the best advice I can give. I think you're so right with that. We talk about this in our community a lot too is that, you know, when you're doing something physical like running a marathon, right? Of course, you're going to stop and hit the water station and get a drink. Three, you know, to rehydrate to recover a little bit. Our central nervous system, a lot of us as men, it's running a hundred miles with no break at the full on intensity that you could possibly imagine. Right. And but yet we we ignore that. So and you're so right when we when we're in that sympathetic state, we're in that bite plight or freeze and add to a childhood trauma. Like they were we're going to start making up stories and be more reactive and make more emotional decisions versus activating that parasympathetic nervous system, calming ourselves down, take a bit of a breather and then responding. So I I really do that is I know that you're being on breathwork. Correct. Yeah, breathwork is one piece of the entire kind of realm of embodiments, but one but breathwork one piece of that. Can you take us through just a day in the life of you when it comes to grounding yourself. What exactly do you do? What do you think about when you're doing it? Yeah, well, I don't think it's more, you know, you're more in the visceral of it. Yeah, I do 20 to 25 minutes every morning. Probably actually closer to 25 minutes now, they think about it. But yeah, I normally for guys, I recommend just take one of my recorded guided sessions and hit play and just listen to it and just do it every day. For me, I don't listen to myself. I just make it up as I go. But I'll start with some what I call ground connection. So I do five to ten minutes of ground connection. And then I move into some breath work as you pointed out, as well as some movement exercises and intention exercises that are designed to slow me down. That's what I really want is to slow down and be more spacious. So I have some exercises that are designed to do that. And then I finish with meditation. And so I actually, I use my Spotify to kind of be my timer. I'll just put on a Spotify track that I've picked out some sort of ethereal music. And I'll just go as long as the timer and then I move on to the next part of my embodiment. So yeah, I just, you know, I do it in my living room every morning before everybody wakes up. And, you know, I'm generally good for about six days a week. What have you, what have you noticed? So when, when people are new to this process, do you think one of the biggest hangups is that's not for me. I don't know where to start. I have random racing thoughts. I can't do it. That's what I've heard with other men in the past. I'm guessing you're probably here the same. Yeah, it's harder for guys to stick with it. But I will say this, meditation, it's easier. Embodiment is easier than meditation to do. I found. And I want to sort of give a key distinction. So let's just say you're meditating. And you've meditated before I'm sure you, you sit and you, you know, you breathe. And what you try to do is notice the thoughts and then not, and not get sucked into them. So don't think, don't think thoughts. And one of the challenges that you're, you're being asked to do a negative. I'm asking you to not do something. Well, as soon as I asked you to not do it, that's the thing you're doing. Like don't think about a pink elephant. That's the pink elephant is the first thing that comes into your mind. So you're, in my meditation is a lot about asking you to do a negative. And so I found that it's, it's actually, it doesn't stick for a lot of guys in the quit. With embodiments, what I'm asking you to do is, it's like, for instance, if we were doing a meditation, instead of asking you to not think thoughts, I say, don't worry about that. All I'm going to ask you to is take your awareness and guide it down to the, to the sensation of, of weight that is when your gravity is pulling you down into the chair that you're sitting in. So let's do it together. You and I and Larry. Like just feel, feel that sensation of weights. It's underneath your, your, the back of your thighs and then your buttocks. And you don't have to do anything with your thoughts. Go worry about that. Just feel your sensation of weight in this chair. That's all you have to do. Now stick with this, feel the weight. And what all happened is, is inevitably your mind will drift and you'll start to think thoughts. That's fine. Once you notice that, all I want you to do is take your awareness and turn it back to that sensation of weight. So you're not going to try to not think, all I'm saying is just make a choice and turn your awareness back to the sensation of weight. And then just, you just sit and you just feel. And then eventually you'll start thinking, it's fine. No big deal. Make the choice, turn your awareness back. And I'll just let this go crazy when, let it go keep going. Now that's fine. It's fine. You said it's crazy when the first thing that I noticed when, when you, when you told me to just, you know, sit back in my chair and notice the weight, you know, my, my, my rear end, my thighs is, I immediately started taking notice to everything in my body. And one thing that I don't know if you caught it, but one thing I noticed was, is I'm sitting like with my shoulders up like this. When I did that, I noticed how much tension was the upper neck and shoulders. And then when that embodiment, what I noticed right away is like, well, if I'm focusing on this, like, I brought my focus back up here where there was tension. And then I allowed that tension to just kind of like sink into where I was sitting. I mean, it just felt, it felt very relaxing. I felt like I was letting tension go. Yeah. I love that. Let's analyze that. It's kind of a, it's, it's kind of symbolic of the larger goal that we have with embodiment. We get really fixated on our thoughts like our awareness goes, and we think here's the thought. And we're just like, we're fixated, which means everything else is, is out of our awareness, including the ways that we're doing this and our jaws and all the tension that we carry. So when you actually brought your awareness to your, to your butt, what you were doing was pulling it away from the thoughts. And so your fixation probably started to loose a little bit. And then that's when you notice this because some of your awareness was now on your body instead of on your thoughts. And that's what we're trying to do. We're trying to break this fixation. Guys, you're so fixated because we're, we're task oriented, which is great. We don't want to lose that. So we want to be able to turn it on and turn it off. Notice when we're in fixation, notice when we're not. I can tell you fixation is a killer to intimacy. Like if you're fixated on something, I mean, particularly if you're fixated on thoughts about physical intimacy, or if you have like an agenda for sexual outhully, like this thing you want to do with her, that you kind of have an agenda, you're fixated on it. Suddenly she's lost and she's like, "Hello, I'm right here. Like, are you with me? What's going on?" I mean, women notice this like that. So that's a beautiful part of this practice is it starts to open up awareness and you start to notice things. And that's what we want to be is men. We want to have awareness. It's pretty wide diffuse for the work. We were very aware of our environment and whatever's happening in our environment, including interactions with our woman. I think women can sniff that agenda a mile away. It's like, I love how you just put that where it's like, "Hey, I'm right here." Like, yeah. Like it's own in a little bit, right? And then do you think in our community we talk about that, you go to a connection with expectation and agenda versus curiosity and appreciation. And I think our wives are partners, again, whatever we're calling them these days. They're very keen on that. They can pick up on that. I've never been able to explain that one. The only thing I can, the only way I've ever described it to other people or clients is, have you ever been in front of a salesman that or a salesperson that doesn't have your best interest in the heart? They just want to put you in that car. There's $10,000 more no matter what you say. And you can sniff it like literally within 10 seconds. And then there's that other person that just genuinely just wants to put you in the best car possible for you and the solution based mindset like, "Hey, whatever it is that you enter in here for you." And that's a very different feeling. But what is that? Can you explain that? Well, since it's like, let's explain feminine intuition. It's like, "Whoa, wow." But my answer will be a little more generic, but it almost has to be in some ways. But in any interaction, there's a flow between the two people, any interaction, there's a flow. And then the more intimate the interaction, the more energetic that flow is. And there's little things happening. And you could, whether you say they're physicalized or they're just at the energetical level, it doesn't really matter. You don't have to figure that out. And you're either, so you come to me, you like, you lob some kind of interaction to me. And then what do I do with that? Do I, do I feel like I actually heard the question or heard exactly what you expressed and that my response is really rooted in that? Or does it feel like I'm a being a little bit of a non-sequitor in some ways? And men do this all the time. Are women give us, you know, they express something that's emotion-laden? And then we, you know, the thing we come back with is a little bit left of center. I mean, it's not really like rooted in what they said. And then they don't feel actually really heard and understood. It feels off. And they notice that. So they're very good at feeling the energetic exchange between two people. And, you know, there's two planes of communication. One is the energetic and one is the informational. And as dudes, we live, we live here mostly. As women, they live here. And this is why they, they stay crazy to us because their emotions don't make sense. Well, that's because we're down here trying to reconcile them with our information and how we communicate. So yeah, women are just tuned more of the energetic stuff. It's, I don't know, it's, it's hard to put into words, but it is very, very powerful. And, and fully explains why exactly what you said, which is like, how do they sniff us out so easily? Damn, they almost know me better than I know myself. It's really crazy. Quick pause here, guys, because I know a lot of you guys who are listening right now aren't just husbands and fathers. You're also building something. A business, a mission, a legacy. But here's the truth. It doesn't matter how big we build our businesses. If our marriages are falling apart or our kids don't know our heart, that is not winning. This is why I created the dad edge boardroom. This is our leap brotherhood for entrepreneurial business owning dads who want to build a business that they love without burning down their family in the process. And inside the boardroom, you're going to find real accountability, real systems, and the network of men who are leading powerfully at work and at home. So if you're a business owning father and you know it's time to stop doing this alone, get on over to the dad edge.com/mastermind to apply and book a call with our team to see if this is a good fit for you. And by the way, we are also trying to understand when we talk to you, are you a good fit for us? So this is an agreed upon process. This is an agreed upon situation. We're not going to sell you into anything. We are literally vetting, are you a good fit for us and are we a good fit for you? Can you help us and can we help you? And then we're going to start with the symbiotic relationship. So like I said, head on over to the dad edge.com/mastermind. Apply and book a call with our team. If you think this is the next step for you, it's fascinating that you say that that energy perspective because I think one of the things that we were talking about before we hit record today was what happens to these relationship dynamics over time and in like long term monogamous relationships and that kind of thing with like marriage and that kind of thing. And you know, we tend to, it's like I remember, like I always bring guys back to this one. I was like, do you remember the first date you took your wife on? And like so I'll explain like mine with Jessica real quick. It was 1996, October 3rd, 1996. I remember exactly what she was wearing, the white t-shirt, the jeans, what her hair looked like. I took her to Applebee's because like that's what you do when you're when you're really trying to impress at your own college, when you're broke, right? But a man like every word that that woman was saying. Like I was just dialed. I was like, I was just curious as a cat right now and I don't like, I just want to know everything about this woman. Over time, if that energy is not, you know, I wouldn't say maybe sustained is the wrong word, renewed might be a word, but it's like it, you can allow it to lapse pretty easily, you know, and maybe even label your wife as like, why do you know everything about her? So it's like, what? You know, everybody gathered 12 years, yeah, I'm sorry. So that energy that you're talking about, you know, is it very similar to the certain type of energy that we bring to like that first interaction or those first several months or maybe in that first year? Hmm, let's see, at least, no, I think these are two different things. So even though they share the word energy, I think they're two different things. But I think that you bring up an important point and it's almost a new topic, but that's great because the men need to know this. We like, we get this picture of our woman and then we freeze it in time. It's like a data file, you know, you just instead of having been an updateable file like Google Docs, it's a Microsoft Word file that you know, you have to open back up again if you want to update it because it's kind of more static. And we have these static pictures of our woman, like you said, like, oh, yeah, I know her. I've been with her for a while. And this is one of the beautiful things about the feminine is they're always changing, you know, in the moment and over time. And one of the things that I teach in the book camp that we do is, is our curiosity and knowing her not only over time, but in the moment. And that's one of the things that the feminine craves so much is to be known. And when you're a dynamic being like the feminine is, you know, you got to actually really have a strong intention to continue to know her, to continue to get her world. And so this is one of the modules we work on curiosity. And it's really, I love it because the guys come back the next week and we reflect on what the work we did around curiosity the prior week. And they're like, oh, I inevitably get at least three guys that are sharing stories of, oh, I tried it and my, my wife just, she just like melted when I actually started to ask deeper questions about her. So yeah, men out there continue to, you know, get to know her world and get to know her changing world. And you'll find that as she feels more known by you, she starts to relax around you and feels a greater sense of emotional safety and connection with you. And that relaxation is essential to, I would say, sexual chemistry, right? It's essential is not even a strong enough word. Yeah, it's like, it's, it's, it's probably the most powerful thing to relative to, to opening her up sexually is how safe and trusting she feels with you and connected she feels with you. I've never known it and really not be the case. Now there's other factors that play into that. But if you're talking something that's more consistent and accounts for most of the sexual disconnection, it's that she doesn't feel safe, she doesn't feel connected with you. And then the problem is I get this with a lot of my clients that, you know, then they want to pound on the symptoms. Why isn't she having sex with me? Why aren't you having sex with me? He's saying that to her directly. And don't, don't, I tell guys, don't go for the symptoms. You got to go with underneath. Why does she know want to be sexual? Because guess what, men, she's still that sexual being that she was when you met. She's still once sex. It's just now pushed below the surface because she doesn't feel, you know, ex-wiresy, as I said. So if you can, if you, if we as men can go work on that, getting more connected with her. And if you really can't figure out why and how, ask her maybe what's holding her back from feeling more connected. She'll, they'll tell you, they want to tell you. That's the biggest thing that I would recommend a men to open up sexuality more. I think the biggest gap is is so the guys in the audience, like I'm definitely picking up what you're putting down. I mean, I've been married for 22 years this year and I've definitely banged my head up against the wall with this and had done it wrong for so long and finally getting it right. And there I still fall on my face, get it wrong every now and again and try to get it right again. And you're, me too. If you were, if guy, guy list, like a guy listing to the show right now, he's like, okay, okay, I'm, I'm picking up everything that you're putting down. I understand it, but, but man, like what does it really look like? I'm, I'm just not exactly sure. And I would also add this, this flavor to it. Like when it, I think one of the biggest fears and I'm sure you see this with your clients as I do mine is when I start operating just a bit different with her. Like so when I start to ask her these, you know, intimate conversation starters, these, these questions that will elicit a truly connected, beautiful, safe conversation where we, where we're actually jiving the energy, the words and the connection is there. Like, they'll ask me like, later she's going to look at me like, I have two heads like, because I haven't done this in so long. So it's, I think my question is more, what, what does that look like? And then if the woman, because I've seen this too, as I'm sure of you, like she's like, why are you, what, what are you doing? Why are you, why are you asking like this? Right. And then the guy's like, forget it. I knew it wouldn't work. And then he'll go off and still right back to worry parts. Yeah. Go back. Watch some porn after that. Why? Yeah. That's so true. It's it. Where do I start? Look, two parts of the question, like, what does it look like? But also, what about this, this where she kind of calls us out and it's like, what the hell you're doing? Remember, she's going to resist it first for a couple of reasons. One is it's new and you're awkward with it. It's like when you change your golf swing, it always sucks for a while until you get the hang of it. If so, when you, you move to the right golf swing. So just know that there's going to be some natural bumps and bruises. I had those. I remember it's very specific set of years after I started men's work where, you know, it came off a little awkward. The way I was trying to build more intimacy with my woman. You'd also notice this, she's had an experience of you for years, not tuning into her and not really building connection with her and maybe some other things too. So when you start doing it, she's like, whoa, who's this big boy? You know, she's going to be a little smug, not smug, but there's going to be a little bit of dark humor related because she's not trusting and realize that when she calls you out like that, what are you doing? It could be because you're awkward and it could be because she's not trusting that. And she's worried that she's going to get her hopes up and then you'll revert back to the man you've been for the last 10 years. So just, just know that startup is always challenging and she's going to test you a little bit and the question is, can you hold the pose? Can you hold the pose? Now the second part of your question, what does that look like? That's really what my book is about. It was really intended to be a very clear and actionable framework for any man, not just the guys who are born alpha, no, not those guys. It's any man. If you embody this thing, I call the masculine blueprint, which has three primary parts to it, which I know you read about. If you embody the blueprint, you will be living more from your masculine core. That's my thesis, my assertion into the world. And I tried to build it so it was actionable. It's not a bunch of theory. I know when I started Mint's work, I really was looking for all the books and resources and man, the books at the time were really bad. They were really bad. They were kind of like, you know, be more confident, bro, man up, bro. And I'm like, well, okay, great. That's not helping me understand how to do it. So the book that I wrote. The first book is intended to be almost the paint by numbers. And the three, I'll just quickly say the three elements, Larry. The three elements are a respond versus react, which is about getting grounded. Provide structure, which is about bringing the leadership into the relationship and then create safety, which is about building emotional connection and safety between you and your woman. Do those three things. I, 80% of relationships are going to improve dramatically because your lack of masculine leadership is the cause of a lot more problems in your relationship than you think. When she's irritable and critical a lot, it's probably because either you're not grounded, you're not leading or you haven't made her feel safe, or some combination of all three of those. So that's what I would say it looks like. Live and embody those three elements of the blueprint. And you will be more in your masculine and your relationship will improve. Yes, I love that. And can we get a little deeper on those? So respond versus react, which is staying conscious and calm under pressure, right? Don't get hijacked by her emotional tests. Hold steady and choose your actions with awareness. Let's talk to the man who I have a client actually later on today. And this guy, he's not a client yet. It's a discovery called today. And one of the things that he talked about a lot in some of our interactions is like, dude, I literally just cannot get beat up anymore. Like she's fiery. She's resentful. She, I try and then she pushes back. And he's like, and I'm calm. I'm calm. I'm calm. And then I get to the point where I'm like, dude, how much more can I be calm? So I'm really curious. What do you tell guys about that one? Yeah. First of all, I take the burden of making this right and put it squarely on their shoulders, just as a matter of principle for me. I'm always putting the burden on the men. And the reason I'm doing this is because, yeah, there's a lot of cases where she needs to do her work. We got that, guys. But if that's your plan, it's not a good plan. Because where's the you in there? What is it you're going to do to make this situation right? Even if it's her crazy, that's causing it. Now, having said that, I have rarely met a truly crazy woman. I have met some. I have met some. I can picture at least three of mine there. What the-- I said, there's a few out there. Yeah, like a few. Yeah, no, I get you. Here's the ultimate question. Is it me or is it her? Because a woman who is-- she's either a bad person, or she's crazy. Like really, like, got some real problems. Looks, a lot like a woman whose needs are not getting chronically met. A good woman whose needs are not getting chronically met. And I want that to sink in with the guys here, listening. We can do things that are non-relational. And it can drive them to the point of looking very much like a crazy, mean, bad person. The difference is, one person usually either has narcissism or bipolar, or it's just super ass wounded, has just refused to deal with it. The other is starving for something in our relationship that she's not getting. Most relationships, I've seen break up because she doesn't feel emotionally connected to the guy at all. And then what happens when a woman either finds you defensive and reactive all the time-- look at that-- defensive and reactive all the time. If you're not leading, and if you're not creating connection, of course she's going to get crusty. That's what happens. I don't know why we'd be surprised about that. Just like, if, for instance, if you never got any nurturance or any sexuality, imagine you, one was like, nope, when I do it, I'm not nurturing you, you're lame ass. And we're not having sex for cuss. Then you would start to go into your crazy mode and then do probably things that aren't so good, because your needs aren't getting met. So what I say to guys, I would say to this guy, is do you know-- she's clearly chronically pissed off about stuff. There's some wound between the two of you that's not been addressed. And you probably ignored it while she was telling you you needed to deal with it. That's probably what happened. That's the source of when women are prickly and critical and hard on us chronically. It's because there's something that hasn't been healed. There's still pissed off. They're resentful. And it's usually because we didn't address it with some emotional wound. So that's what I would say is really maybe go into why is she? Because I don't think that's women's natural state to be bitchy. I think their natural state is to be relational in loving. It's just they fall out of that when their needs aren't met. So that's the exploration I try to take guys on is, let's discover why she's that way and see what we can do about that. Does it mean it's your fault? It means you're the one that's going to step up and say, I'm going to be the one that leads us to a better place. I have a phrase from the book that I really like. And it applies here. You may or may not be the problem, but you are the solution. As a man, we don't know who caused this fight. She blames you. You blame her. Stop trying to figure that out. But you are going to be the solution. So you're going to step up and be bigger than her mood, than then what can you do to lead you to back to a better place? And I've never seen them not really not work. I just want to take a pause here. For a second, just say, I love this conversation. Like this is absolute solid goal. And you're so clear with this and so some-- and you make it very simple and digestible. So I just want to pause and just share that with you that this is absolutely rock star level. So thank you. Yeah. Thanks, brother. You bet. I want to actually get to the provide structure. So take the lead, make plans, set containers, steer conversations, create directions for your partner, and relax and feel your leadership. It's not about domination. It's about intentional direction. So again, where you and I began this conversation, where if we were raised in that iron clad, fear-based, we kind of like childhood, we sort of go to the other side, or we're tempted to be like, wait, anything goes, right? I think a lot of guys out there, the nice guys, like, hey, do you want to go out on a date on Friday? Where do you want to go? I don't care. Wherever you want to go, right? And it's like a versus, I think men, they're being on that pendulum of super nice and decisive. But then when they think about provide structure, take lead, make plans, set containers, and steer conversations, they think a lot like, we're doing this, we're doing that, and it's dominating versus what is that balance look like? There is, I would say, there's a spectrum. So always know that you're always going to be just somewhere on the spectrum, and it's not one or the other. There's times when there's a lot of tenderness and inquiry is necessary. There's times for that. And there's times where it's like, bam, we're doing this. Like, put on your red dress Friday night, be ready at 7. No, I'm not telling you where we're going. Now, just be ready. And you can be a little fun and playful and dramatic about it. And then there's the in-between, which is some combination thereof. And I like to talk about a principle I call clarity plus inclusion. I'll do this a lot. It's like, hey, baby, basically, it sounds like, here's what I think we should do. How does that land for you? I check in with her. I'm not showing-- it's like showing up to a dinner party. Never show up empty handed. You always come with a bottle of wine or some flowers or something to show up at the door empty handed. When somebody's treating you to a dinner at their house. And I think it's the same thing here. Always show up with kind of your formulation of what you think is right. But you can check in with her, especially if it's something that she has a more natural wisdom about. Like, for me, something that I always just-- I tell my woman she needs to handle is picking our Airbnb in between travel. Because she's so much better out of than me. But a few times I picked-- I mean, it was fine, but-- and she's like, that's a box of them all. I know she's better at it. So I'm-- I kind of-- that's her task. But I might check out some places. Be like, baby, here. I know you've been busy this week. And you have an embo look. So here's five places, which of these do you think? So I'm including her. So it's not just about being the domineering asshole, alpha, who controls all the decisions. All you have to do is make sure a decision gets done. You don't have to make all the decisions. Just create the structure where a decision gets done. And then you can dictate that maybe she should make the decision or you can make the decision yourself. So inclusion is a really powerful way, especially if you're with a strong woman. I'm with a strong woman. She's got a strong personality. She's very capable. She's got a pretty good head on her shoulders. So it's neither-- it's not going to work for me to abdicate and ask her what she wants, nor is it going to be like all the time where I'm telling her what. So that's the balance that I try to teach guys. And then it's an art. Where do I need to be on this spectrum? And sometimes it's here, sometimes it's here, sometimes it's here. And have the wisdom and artfulness to know which end of the spectrum you need to be on for any particular moment? I love that balance. And the examples are-- that's what really hits home. There's a really understanding of the examples and the stories. So thanks for that. As we wrap up to more towards the end of the show, I really want to talk about sexuality and in the relationship and maybe the tension around that, some of the dynamics around that. And I'd above to just share a story with you that I think might tee this up. I've known my wife for 28 years. We've been married for 22. Sex used to be a very triggering topic for all the reasons that you write about. You know, it's like the nice guy thing. And I'll do the dishes and I'll do this. And like, as I'm taking out the trash, I accidentally bang up against the wall. So she hears me doing it and like, "Hey, and I did this, and I did that." And I would look at it and that's a really, I wouldn't say dark place to live, but it just felt like a really shitty place to live. You're honest. When it comes to our relationship now, like, Jess and I, you really know each other's dynamics and things like that. But like, I just want to share one thing about standing ground, declaring needs and wants and desires. And doing it in a way that landed really well from our wife. So we used to fight about this all the time, like 10 years ago. We don't fight about it anymore. But there are some little demons that come up every now and again. So this is actually kind of fresh off the books like a few months ago. So we had sex on our Sunday. And then it was Monday. And I went up to her out of like, I was like, I know this sounds crazy, but I really want you again today. And she looked at me and she was like, we just had it yesterday. Like, we just had it yesterday. It's like all you think about. And I used to get really, really freaking fiery pissy about that. Almost like kind of power or just fire back at. And I looked at her just really, really calmly and I said, can I share something with you about what you just said? She said, sure. And I said, what you just said, I'm sure makes a total sense. And you're probably thinking that, yeah, like is that the only thing on my mind? Do I want something from you? But also keep in mind, you know, it's a very loving thing for me. And the physicality behind our sex life is is actually the most minimal thing. It's really about the connection to you. And what you just said to me, how it landed for me was if you were to come up and say, Hey, can we talk today? I really like to talk to you. And I would say, we just talked yesterday. I just listened to yesterday. I always think about is that all you want to do is talk. And I said, how would that make you feel? And I just said that just in all my power and you just saw it on her face, she's like, I never thought of it that way. And she's like, I'm and she was like, and I'm really sorry. I just never thought of it that way. And I was like, it's okay. It's fine. No, I was like, but now you know. Yeah. So, but I think a lot of guys are scared to say something like that. We're how to say something like that. But I would love for you to just talk about that, the sexuality and the tension in relationships. First of all, say, well played. Because you were you were you didn't get all pissy. That's usually what we do is what you said because it's vulnerable. I think women don't realize how how sexuality is actually very vulnerable for us. We're not just humans with with cocks that we go around wanting to stick it in phenin and vagina. Um, they don't they don't realize that that rejection or the hint of rejection or what feels like rejection is like fucking kryptonite for us. And I, you know, I bet all the guys house bear are doing this like, yeah, because it's the same for all of us. We all share this. It's hard for us to initiate sometimes if we've gotten maybe shot down or rebuffed a couple of times. We do. I love how you put it. I'm the same way. I feel loved when she initiates. I feel loved when she's down when I initiate. That's that that's an easy way to open my heart is is to be sexual and physical. I don't think they totally get that sometimes as your wife was like, wow, but just so we know that it's vulnerable. We want our women to know that, but we also need to know that and just know, okay, this is vulnerable. I don't need to go into my regress little boy and and paled about this. There's a couple of ways to handle it. Yours is one. They're just really like, hey, you know, I'm I'm feeling there's a need here that's not being met and I want to bring it to you because I'm a big enough of a man energetically to bring this up and and own my needs. So I love that. The other is you can do something like that is you can do with humor. It's like just pick her ass up and go through the bed and be like, your name right? That's all I think about it's like, all I can think about you is 24 hours a day and I want fuck you to God. You know, like just double down on it. Be like, hell yeah. I don't know why we manners, you know, we get so embarrassed sometimes like, oh, I got busted one insects. It's like screw that. Of course, I want sex. I want you every day, baby. God. Like, you know, get excited because not many, you know, not all men are like that. You got somebody that just wants you and they're raw animal desires. So, so I think owning our sexuality is really important and I and you owned it in a way that was I think very just bam. And then there's other ways of just like playfully owning it and just own the worst sexual beams. Yep. I do want to have sex with you every day. Like I can't stop thinking about it. Let's use this thing while I got it, baby. It's not going to last forever. So owning sexuality, using humor, taking it over the top. Like, those are some ways that we can combat, you know, that tendency to go into our little hurt boy because we think we got rejected. That making sense. That makes 100% sex. And let's let's talk about that hurt boy. And when we don't get those needs met, we tend to get fiery and even pout. And I'd like to know your opinion. What is going through a woman's mind when we're doing that? Well, their vagina is shriveling up and closing permanently. Yeah, I didn't think you're going to answer that way, but that's the other side. It's not a good look. Yeah, they don't respect that enough. They need more from us. Look, your wife, we're going to use you as an example. You know, she had some reason that she was like, right, right, right, right, you know, and we could go into that. But you know, probably some of it was from her, you know, some wounding from her childhood, which, you know, like don't, don't, like, don't try to initiate too fast. Like she needs to acclimate or something because she got shocked in her, in her, you know, younger years somehow, we don't know. But whatever it is, there's like, there's dysfunction on the other side. And our women sometimes need us to be bigger than their dysfunction. So if you get rejected, like she kind of wants you to stay with it a little bit. She wants you to kind of hold to the thing that you wanted and compensate for her wound that cost her to be a little bit dysfunctional. I think you're, I would describe that your wife is a little dysfunctional. She wasn't tuned into you at all, into your needs. And she wasn't appreciative of your desire for her, which is always a good thing. And so sometimes they need us to be bigger than their moves. We need to be bigger than our own moods and tendencies. And sometimes we need to be bigger than theirs. And I, so when we go into our little boy, it's just, it's super disappointing for them. That makes total sense. I love how you describe that if that rejection happens, then, you know, to simply stay the course, you know, stay in your masculine power. You know, being being vulnerable, right? Oh, this was about, I don't know, probably seven years ago. It was, I don't know if we get it, it was the last time I I potted like a baby over sex. And I don't know what it was, but my wife, gave me just such a gifted clarity. And perhaps this might, I'd love to get your opinion on this and maybe some of the guys that you work with. So when she, when one night I initiated, she was, and she was exhausted, and she was like, I'm sorry, I just can't tonight, like I'm exhausted. We have a very healthy sex life. And I was like, gosh, like, and I kind of that. She's like, she goes, why do you get upset? And I was like, I don't know. I was like, I feel rejected. Like I start to wonder like, am I getting old to you? I was like, just you've had the same freaking, I had the same day for like 28 years. You got it. Like, are you tired of it? Like, you know what I mean? Like I do add some humor to it. And then she, she gave me this gift. She go, she looked me dead in the eye. She goes, there he, what if I told you this? It's never you. She's like, I love you. I'm insanely attracted to you. I love having sex with you. She's like, so if I say no, which I think you can agree, isn't that often. And she's right. It's not. She's like, I'm usually always down for it. She's like, but in the rare times I'm not, it has nothing to do with you. It actually has everything to do with it's not right now. But man tomorrow would be great. Like tomorrow morning would be great. Like just I'm exhausted right now. No. And I don't know what it was that it finally clicked. But it was just like, that, that makes total sense. And if I actually look at the history of our relationship, you know, there was a lot of truth there. But I was viewing it through this lens of absolute personal rejection. Yeah. Yeah. That's where our fears take us. You know, our fears take us like, oh, it's me. And that usually runs deep deep within us. You know, those old fears that have a stake that we're not lovable. We're not worthy of love that that to come in. And then sex is just is the place that that gets manifested a lot for guys. So yeah, you're I love that realization. You had she gave you some reassurance. That's really what it was But I want to add a layer to what you just said. So it's this is this is kind of just adding right on top of that So men take away that it's not always about you. Don't always feel rejected Also take take or take away another layer of this is that is that Her sexuality can be just below the surface and on the surface to her it feels like I just can't but It's actually amazing house very simple things could actually just instantly bring that to the surface like you could just hold her and Like for instance my woman she she feels sexual after we have deep emotional talks You know, of course I'd rather just like let's just get to it, but that's not what works for her and But if we could just sit there and maybe I'm revealing something that that is is deeper But kind of in play and my psyche and and and be very Transparent with her. I found in a lot of cases then Boom and then and then suddenly whereas five minutes before she's swearing up and down that she's not a for sexuality Then suddenly it emerges and so sexuality can live right below the surface even though you can't see it at all It can live right below that it might not take off Look at that guy That's a this is summer break for you brother. Yeah, all right See what he has to say on this topic I'm all right. You'd be like oh, it's always made Nice, anyway, I'll finish the point you seems like there's an invasion of rug rats about to happen on your end But it's sex could actually be ripe a little surface so it's not it's not so like disregard her No, that's not what we're saying, but we're saying that that it can arise organically through very simple things Whatever brings it up for her my woman is for with deep emotional talks somebody else it might be a foot rub We don't know so just just know that that sex can come out of nowhere sometimes even when you don't expect it Well said well, son. I do think it maybe that sparks of maybe there's a there's a need here like you were talking about You know that that needs to happen first right and and again The story I'm telling myself as well is we approach that need without agenda We don't we don't give we don't fulfill this need to get we fulfill it because that's who we are as a man Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, and I'll just wrap all that up this the sex part of just saying Chapter 13 the book is on sexual leadership and it's like we men can bring a lot of leadership and you can lead your woman to her arousal You know even when at first she's not feeling it you there are ways that you can consciously lead her into her arousal And I've just tell guys you know read the chapter on that and it can be We're very useful for bringing more sexuality into your relationship Love that it give us a give us a one or two What are two what? ways to lead them to a rosal oh Let's see I know that when my woman's had a hard day. She's a she's an osteopath You know she's working with clients and patients all day If if I if I come back and see her kind of just like feeling the burden of her work day I will just run a bath and say get in the bath You know rather than just transitioning right into dinner together because I can I can just feel that she's carrying too much And and when I do that she comes out and she's more relaxed and that's the kind of thing that that would naturally lead towards more Sexuality when when she gets back into her body So I do many things to get her back into her body running the bath It's one you know giving her a back rub or a butt rub is is another you know things to bring her back into her body Which then makes sex you know sometimes more likely Love that I love that but it's it's knowing like you were saying it's it's knowing You know what moves the needle for her that's a good way to put it. Yeah, it could be a lot of different things. Yeah Right, I love that Awesome, man. Well, you know as we wrap up here. I want to make sure that what is the best way for Mende connect with you obviously we're gonna have all your links on the show notes of you know your book and your website But where's the best way for Mende connect with you or or to even get a sample of what you teach Well go to the website GS youngbud.com and you can find information on my my bootcamp Which is my flagship program that we do it's in three months online live program with me in 12 12 men We do it together as a cohort Or the workshops video courses. Yeah, they ought to If you want to just see a sample of the content. I think Instagram's a great place at GS youngblood m.i.r You can you can just see me talking about a variety of topics and get a real taste of the work And then the easiest way to get to know my work intimately is just through the book So that's on Amazon. Right. That's all we got time for today I'm a huge fan of GS youngblood I've really gotten involved with his work over the past year. I've read his book now three times He was one of our speakers at the men's forge this past April in 26 and he blew the doors off if this was an episode that really really shook you that really really helped you I'm happy happy to serve because his stuff is absolutely amazing You can go to this podcast podcast podcast you can go to this podcast the dad edge.com 4/1499 for all the goodies or everything that we talked about today Also, you can check out our July promotion if you go to the dad edge.com forward slash join where I'm giving away Those four goodies my book two courses and 50 intimate conversation starters Gentlemen, welcome to July. Let's make the rest of the year absolutely awesome You