From Hooves to Haute with Trixie and Katya

you know i'm at this weird way where i feel unreasonably swollen and huge but people people have been saying nice things to me so i'm trying to just understand that we are not reliable narrators about ourselves people say trust people i know we're not supposed to listen to people but how are we supposed to listen to ourselves maybe no no no it's it's the opposite it's the opposite don't listen to people i'm like have you heard me yeah i know what i say to myself it's like i don't care what anybody says you should you should not care about what you say yeah it's like i yeah no people i always felt like i don't give a fuck what people say well then you're a sociopath yeah it's the can i be vulnerable please it's it's it's it's been a um it's been a struggle time and i have been back to therapy twice a week it's a high risk environment let's get something prescribed you need to be protected from yourself from yourself should we uh should we um shackle you to the chair have you seen that um renal 911 clip oh i'm so sorry so sorry oh god you need to apologize this is your camera yeah you need to apologize this is a video i never thought i would have to make except when you did this last the time you chewed gum you would have thought it was like steve harvey reading the wrong miss universe or whatever no no no no no no gun went off in the universe it was like where were you in the world stop turning it was like that woman drove 90 hours 90 miles an hour into the gas and killed the little baby and you didn't have my birthday i it's like when i came to your birthday party and then just let everybody on fire that was that was almost as bad as the gum yeah almost as bad what are you talking about yours is in the spring it's about to be spring what's the plan it ain't about to be spring yes it is it ain't in february it ain't in february we got to get over that hump okay once we get over the february hump then we'll talk in march because then we'll day after your birthday we're starting on my birthday so like okay well i mean yeah it's basically the years divided into my birthday and your birthday i i've completely changed feelings about becoming an adult and people who say like i don't like to make a big deal about birthday birthdays don't matter i'm sorry bitch does your life matter but you're alive yes however tell that to the people who didn't reach 36 tell them it doesn't matter thank you go into the grave can you get the long island medium no why is she dead oh she's talking to the people in the grave okay i was like she drowned does that make sense i would love to get the long island medium the hollywood medium and um the extra large medium ross matthews lecture large medium charge and then i want sylvia brown and tyler henry in the same room oh my god agreed freak off tyler you love who you love he's like he's like he drowned well actually he lives in recita well he will drown right is it raining in recita have you talked to him today um he drowned does that make sense he drowns that makes sense incredible incredible let me tell you i have a hard time telling you this he's not your father and he's gonna drown who you love she said that like it doesn't matter a p flag mom you love who you love but wait the i don't we can do yes celebrate our births absolutely we don't do birthday months no we don't do birthday weeks no that's that's you know what that is that is perpetuated by big big balloon big hallmark big sorority because it's very sorority girl it's my birthday month can i say there's a special provision if you had a very long labor if you were halfway hanging out at your mom for 30 days it is your birthday month yes if you had most of us it's kind of more of a one day if your mother was in labor for 30 or if i was a 30 girl and she is frankly we should be celebrating her thank you thank you that that blown out ran through pussy uh one time i was watching roseanne before it was a long time ago yeah but i saw what and roseanne there's a part where jackie's a week overdue from having her baby and roseanne's like you just need to relax and jackie's like i have a one week old child living inside me and after due date you do have some kid yeah squatters rights i was late oh no yeah how late were you three months no i um no yeah she was pregnant 12 months yeah 12 month pregnancy that's why i mean i came out about four years old yeah i i i think i was late um i could be the last baby right but you know moms have all this moms have all this to the moment information about the first birth wow like my mom the rest of us i feel like no information i'm always like whenever we're talking about like like astrology what time of morning my mom's like what time of morning yeah yeah i i was i don't know i was pregnant the next day yeah like i'm sorry if i can't remember the time you just ripped my pussy apart well also all the the chemicals the forgetting baby the trauma the epidural the enemas yeah well my mom did um i was c-section c-section is different it's a surgery of course you don't remember it's funny because that to me i read that as like section eight housing well i was that came later it was c-section i was like oh got it yeah sectioned c-sectioned and that's is that a that's uh that's when they cut no i know what it is is it how yikes so some there's a lot of reasons why people might do it my mom i think had a difficult first time so then the rest of us three kids they did the surgery and didn't work with ashton kutcher when you try to strangle himself with that umbilical cord and butterfly effect that's right isn't that wild i read the wikipedia i didn't see the movies i couldn't i don't think i could handle that movie by the movies are back you're just on wikipedia you're cliff the movies are back my internet kicked in again i saw the poster i follow the main actress on instagram and i read the wikipedia so yeah i have seen it strangling myself in the umbilical cord to undo all this like um uh soon to come uh tragedies cunty back to my mental health not not that i haven't considered it could i back to the future myself and go to my mom's baby and say don't come out don't come out within moments i do i'd probably have to be a swimsuit model work with adriana lima oh all that pressure as what her driver work with her as her emotional support dog her guest house emotional support dog what do you um wait what about candace wayne paul baby who candace fucking swain paul is that the girl who was on fuller house no that's candace cameron and she is a trumper um no this is a woman this is a woman who when she walked down the victoria's secret one way one way um the victoria's secret one way i said to myself baby i'm not gay anymore oh wow who is it mama can't i'm gonna show a picture also i have another thing that i have to gripe about fake weenies on the television we talked about that no we didn't no we didn't we talked about it in the hallway just now maybe we talked about netflix we talked about fake weenies we can't see a weenie without you bringing up the fake baby there's a there's an epidemic and it's called fake weenies i need you maybe that's why your sex drive went away because you think they're all fake now look at them egregiously fake egregious i mean i can't tell excuse me you can't tell or are they all looking at the wieners azman.com love that website you you have a privacy screen oh i well you know why now porn fake fake weenies if i want to check in on the fake weenie on the subway i don't want to be on that list yeah so the victoria's secret um whatever whatever show i hadn't i hadn't been aware of this model she's um in her 30s if i were able to otome brown into her body you know they you know and go force your way in go on and and just inhabit her her physical frame for even 12 minutes i just can't i can't overstate the fact that you you you and everybody at home all your life chances would evaporate in milliseconds oh wow okay because the way that the the the tidal wave of of unbridled unparalleled and unprecedented eroticism and sexuality that would just like a tsunami if you were her if i were her even 12 minutes yeah 12 15 minutes but you're not so i got pulled over um we got to do a graphic of miss wayne paul put it up there on the pod we don't have guests no no no no no i i couldn't take it i couldn't take that much power i would be blinded i would have to gouge my eyes out it's just so beautiful yeah so you're pulled over yeah i'm pulled over and you know i've been being more i've been being more like gen z so i got pulled over and i was like not the pullover you know you're like not the not the registration pullover yeah license registration not entirely they said license registration i said you know that thing they do no no what is that i had to hand over the mouth thing i don't know what it is what is that gen z for them gen alpha yeah they're vibing their mouth is open and i hate that it's fun i like this yeah they see that's more full body yeah yeah and it suggests that there's boobs which i like too so did you show your breasts to get out of the ticket no so where was i going oh if you cry onto cleavage it's instant just going to a doctor's appointment already don't want to go there all right going to a doctor's appointment and i'm in the middle lane in the back of traffic cars all around me been at this light for probably 45 seconds and i go i'm going to look up this artist and listen to them i pick up my phone i type the first three letters immediately a police officer on a bike is next to me on a bicycle no a motorcycle oh is filming goes is filming me and goes like this so i go all right i guess i'll i'll do what i thought was good take my top off which is i went like this i put the blinker on i pulled over off the busy street to this side street i think that's what you should do so mad at me you pull over where i tell you to pull over i was like on the busy street and pull over on what go parallel yeah just just pull parallel on coanga block both lanes like i'm getting away right who has fled the police in a volvo like that's we're not doing that right this is a car this is a car about safety yes this is a car for boring people right love the vault for texters yes so he goes oh you were using your phone it's illegal in california and i'm like i was using my phone it was it's legal in california give him the license registration i sit there quietly he gives me my ticket no i just was like i haven't had a ticket i haven't been pulled over since 2010 it's time whatever yeah so i i did feel bad about changing music at the stoplight you know about siri right yeah i could have done that yeah so that happened and i have to pay the ticket it's fine no i don't know i don't think it's fine i think the officer was very polite to me and i was i didn't say anything i didn't talk i don't believe that that officer should have been polite i think he should have taken you out of the car by the scruff of your neck and fucked you it was pretty it was pretty obnoxious it was a bad way to start the day that sucks i'm sorry that i was given i was pulled over oh god twice once and by the way you shouldn't use your phone while you're behind the wheel of a car even if you're in park like don't do it sweetie so i get it i'm not saying i shouldn't no i know i'm very you know i have the thing i have the the driving thing now on my phone like if i'm it's i'm driving oh okay you like that i do except when i'm in the passenger side of car i say i'm not driving because i'm not driving but sometimes that whatever i i i did pull out the phone to change a song and i felt like i was committing i felt like i was basically taking my whole family yeah and then chopping all their heads off don't do it i mean i was like i said in the middle lane and the back like probably six cars in front of me at a red light it doesn't make it better but no but you did you did it was all things considered you weren't going 95 on the 101 with your eyes closed right which i've seen many people do in like those jeeps that have no doors or windows right oh yeah isn't that crazy what's with that i don't know i think maybe with the car with no doors maybe they love the the breeze girl i'd be on the freeway with my leg out don't you think squirting oh do you ever drive barefoot no i won't even drive in crocs it has to be a shoe it's about safety i love feeling it what the skin on pedal sometimes i put the leg out but once i saw death proof no more i bet the bottom of your foot looks like whodunit cornmeal something textured no because i i don't know what this says about me probably that i'm disgusting but you know i have a foot rasp and i work that baby works over time a foot rasp you don't need a foot rasp is it's like a cheese grater for your foot oh the pet egg no no no no no no no pet egg is a smooth thing i think you wrote about it in our book i read about it yeah i read you said that you empty it out and it's like a parmesan yeah and i go from like a size nine to a size eight and a half beers yeah that's great you ever get a pedicure and you leave and you're like three inches shorter you're like you better work bitch oh yeah i don't like a pedicure i love to give them really oh my god well i i'm ticklish and i i've almost kicked the kicked them in the face and i that's not fun feet i just feel like it's one of those things that really a before and after worth a thousand words people look great monet monet exchange yeah foot feminization remember remember she got her feet feminized you don't remember that they're all lying are you talking are you on drugs you don't remember this the most important cultural moment of last year monet exchange getting a foot feminization and live streaming it are you lying you're lying roll the tape rodney i mean it's it's all there and what are you filmed it monet i need everybody here to shut their mouths for one second call monet exchange right now and say what did you feminize your feet bitch and did you do it at my birthday dinner i'm calling her right now i'm gonna prove you know what these fake i'm not by the way this isn't a look of shame i didn't even that existed hey siri call monet exchange what is foot feminizing we're about to find out i just think it's wrong to say that all women have one kind of foot well let's hear it from the horse's mouth why is she a horse now she's not gonna pick up she hates me she's probably in this building it's unbelievable hey siri call bob the drag queen what i'm there's just four other calls i'm gonna make before i foot foot she had the foot feminized moment they shave off why are you acting brand new they they make okay do they make it slimmer because women's shoes are slimmer are you serious is there risks involved i feel like the hey what's up hey bob quick question we're on the pod i just so trixie was unaware that monet exchange got foot feminization surgery can you corroborate that yes when they asked how to ffs for feminization surgery that's 100 sure not even a bit why do i feel like you all got together to pull a prank she is this trixie is convinced that we are all in cahoots with each other you me that we have discussed this prior and that we are pulling a prank on her does her phone work does she not have google i guess no she has a fat back tv it's that she my therapist told me to stop googling medical stuff yeah so that's all but thank you so much for yourself trixie oh okay yeah thank you bob for the thank you bob love you bye i mean i trust bob people in the program don't lie well usually i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry oh mama baby sweetie no no no mama i wish you were an alcoholic for one day because this am i a mickey fan i'm not a mickey fan no no don't do it i'm a mickey fan mickey rooney he called jojo siwa faggot member who mickey rooney on mickey rooney on celebrity big brother oh no he called her a fag mickey rooney who am i saying mickey rourke oh no no mickey i mickey blonsky mickey blonsky he called her gay and by the way he was wrong am i a mickey fan mickey tutorials absolutely i love her red eyeshadow okay love mickey tutorials so that bitch can paint yeah i wish she could do you she'd blow you out of your mind of course she would she mickey please please i'm desperate down desperate from your tower um i know beginning whatever went to a meeting it was like thanksgiving or holiday mary the way the speaker was spinning yarns that were so mama you what do you mean real yarns or like lying yarns baby it was like it was the it was it was like ginger could never baby this is robbie turner could never it was like they were they would they would be lucky to enter a introductory course that this woman could teach at a college about how to spin a fucking yarn in front of people as if it were the truth she was uh you know what it is like when a show has a second season unexpectedly and they have to make up story and they never imagine the show would continue oh yeah that's what it is this woman was pulling things out of her ass like a fucking like mad lips oh pursued by the cia after her modeling career that gives pookie though well we were in but what do you think it is about the pookie that makes people go straight to conspiracy so but so so she for all intents and purposes i don't believe that this time that she was i i believe she was sober right and that's why you go to meetings to fact check no but like i i i was looking around i was like i was like i was the only one incredulous i was like wait everyone else was like pretty much pretty much say that period period i mean after she was pursued by the cia um during her modeling career maybe this was not no model when i say no offense to this woman but modeling was not something on yeah there it was it was the russian mob the russian mafia then the greek mafia and then there was um she's in the middle of a world war yeah they're locked in a trunk locked in a car car goes off a hill i mean it was like literally like what were you doing nodding i was like i was like i was like i was literally like and people like and then they were like oh thank you so much for sharing your story so brave i was like i was like am i losing my motherfucking mind it was i could not believe it it was just so far-fetched doesn't even begin it was like the challenge was think of the most unbelievable outrageous series of of events that could never have taken place in your life and then say them over 45 minutes to a crowd of strangers who are looking to get recovered interesting cunt cunt because people have i mean i've never been to a meeting no but people have more stories they call it a drunk log and sure you know you hear everything if you go to 30 meetings right you hear it all you know like i've never been to a meeting i've never been to a i miss my my my daughter's graduation so i was smoking crack on the floor of a crack house whatever all this horrible war stories but this was mission impossible uh a dead reckoning you know it was not to make it serious but i bet one of the worst consolation prizes of getting sober is the realization i missed my daughter's graduate like realizing retroactively oh my god my my old show in your mind mary not not just like and it's also like it's like in the movies you see it's like oh yeah i'll be there in 10 minutes oh yeah oh oh i missed my what's with that what's the tweakers doing the i'll be right there i'm just leaving the house now what's with that i love it i don't know because i've never been that tweaker i know people where it's like oh she said she'd be right too you know she'll be here till 10 she's gonna call us every hour all day and then say sweetie i had drug dealers back in boston who there's i'll be there i'll be there um i'll be there 10 on which day on which month you got to specify because they say a 10 is it 10 on tuesday 10 tonight could be 10 next month diabolical and they love to say like you just said i'm leaving the house i'm on my way oh i'm sorry i just had to stop by blah blah no no not even that on my way you haven't even opened both eyes yet from the bed right it's crazy i i don't know what that i mean i know what lying obviously i've lied a lot but like i don't know what that particular lies about so where does that accomplish because it doesn't make anything better the flip side of that is the pookie always goes to the greater conspiracies about oh god the government aliens in 5g what is that 5g that's just psychosis that's just straight up psychosis yeah that's magical thinking from psychosis but it's always based from a place of well i've realized something that nobody else wants to accept girl this dude who used to drive used to get in his car drive me around and it was like you guys would just talk i wouldn't talk he would and we have to we have to be hot i know but he we we hope because the 5g was so strong that he was pulled by the gravitational force of it love that see if i was in that situation you'd lean in i'm not saying i'd make the most of it but my inner monologue i would have my hair up and i would be like in my mind like she was crazier than him and she was his queen like i would have a whole story we very lana i drive fast and then i like i will be i just drive like out the window it'd be very quentin tartino leg out the window and just this too yeah flicking me out of the window and i would be like i would be like i would be like i would be squirting squirting oh yeah highway now with the guy if the cop pulled me over not for texting but for juicing out the of the window in that 101 juicing it hard and and juicing it squirting it you know i'm talking about i don't know what you're saying you know when the oh you know that the gif gif of the girls squirting it on the at the past no i have watched a lot of videos of the men jerking in the car though oh yeah i mean i love the men jerking in the car love the love the someone gonna see me of course someone does i saw that on la brea walking home from the gym happened to me on santa monica crazy and he was live streaming it's like so if one hand's on the dick and one hand's on the phone i'm getting pulled over for playing bonnie vera in a volvo throw me in fucking shawshank fuck god forbid i want to listen to bonnie rate best of bonnie there not bonnie rate i know but i'm just saying oh bunny but bonnie rate oh yeah this is a bonnie vera type of day what is bonnie vera by the way artist from wisconsin bonnie vera bonnie vera french fur nice winter good winter yeah bon iver ha oh sure sure i wanted to oh fake dicks right let's talk about it why not use the real dick because the actors don't want to do it i think because yeah i think the because those dicks you show were what was the point of it that they're all so big um and normal actors what are they gonna do i'm gonna fluff well like fluff well jason siegel did that and uh forgetting sir muscle he is forgetting sarah marshall he fluffed before the the full frontal scene but i i do believe he is well endowed right i think that i love jason siegel yeah he's nice but that i think the the thing about is like well you get the pussy and you know the woman's crotch is a little bit it's not so much like oh my god you got a huge bush well of course you can shave it oh you got these giant you know we're not seeing that it's more art it's not splayed yes it's not archaeological also the breasts are like they're there they're they're in the shirt too you know what i mean it's like it's a different sort of like i don't know no i'm imagining no hollywood actor wants to be like oh yeah that's the guy with the peanut pecker no because then they always have it i would also allege that if you do have a peanut pecker you might not want to show it well yeah if you have the huge dong you're like with my full frontal let's do it i mean i i isn't it every actor's dream to be in like a hot like a really deep charactery oedipus serious and you get to show your cock oh like equus yeah isn't that the dream is like you're doing serious acting and here was my wiener i don't think that's the dream at all i think that's a nightmare oh would you show your weenie on camera depends what for science people i've been going to the doctor a lot people see my under thing on a weekly basis under everything they see everything they see every hole see every hole every hole all four all four oh my god well people think you only people think men only have two but you really need to think outside the box a little bit here she was dragging that horse to that restaurant and i thought yeah something um would be careful driving don't text and drive i wasn't even texting i was playing a song don't play a song i i feel so passionate about this and listen i sometimes i feel like i'm the only person on the road paying attention oh yeah yeah ironically me too i feel like that now character rises my driving but i drive like a grandma people give me the finger in los angeles every day no but that's because i'm driving the speed limit well but see that's it's it's but i'm driving 65 in a 65 and people drive by like this do you or you're on the highway i'm going to pass get out of here the the speed limit that's the street where people drive 100 mary well see i don't fuck with the highways like that because i'm people are people do not know how i'm not going on on a fucking thoroughfare where people are driving not on the highway i'm not going on a fucking thoroughfare texting and sexting fuck that shit that's what they're in la of course yeah doing rails off the fucking dash yeah and then texting their grandma whatever i i just i don't like it aphina's an aggressive driver oh we always get there very quick oh yeah my friend david mason is his maserati which was recently totaled andrew yang ah death wish death wish that's that's that's the the terrifier the killer fire that's the but if we ever need a ride andrew yeah yeah forget we said that yeah yeah yeah if we ever need a ride you're just gonna be like interesting i heard the pod yeah apparently i don't drive well so now what no he knows take the bus bitch no but um david would um go downtown i you know usually for an average person it's like 40 minutes from where i live he gets there in 12 yeah brandon's not dangerous brandon is engaged he's an engaged driver he's going yeah he's going if there's no window he's taking it you know what i mean but he's not crazy i feel the same way i am a active driver brandon's active yeah he's a good i'm not skittish because mary the way that my hypervigilance kicks in when there is a left green area arrow present baby you know i am the i am i made that arrow you're already gone i made that you were in someone but those motherfuckers it's i just we if i were the mayor of the city i know i would just green arrow left green arrow would be my passion project my my raison d'etre would be my absolute number one platform right you wouldn't focus on ice or anything no no no no it's what's really important right the arrows right yeah no no the homelessness you know yeah yeah right no but active driving i and not sometimes i'm reckless sometimes i i whip i whip and i maybe shouldn't have but hey it's tough i mean um i don't like grandma drivers you don't like what i don't like grandma drivers that's me that's me listening to bonnie vera and a volvo going 40 miles per hour getting pulled over and ticketed it's fine i want you to give me a ride somewhere to be honest the only part of me that was like i don't deserve this was have you been on the roads in la mr mr mr dj what do you look like what was he wearing very handsome beautiful black guy with a mustache um very handsome he looked like a police officer from a movie like the outfit the jacket with like a fur collar with the helmet did you say did you say under your breath with that dong do no no no no no no no no but what i wanted to say was i thank you for pulling me over thank you for your interest um at this time i want you to know that we're in america's second largest city where people drive like they're trying to die yeah so i don't know if i'm going to be able to do that but i'm going to know just thinking big to small right now you're worried about like one deck chair on the titanic yeah yeah i'm i encourage you to take this motorcycle and go get one of the people naked crazy driving 100 miles per hour and going to pass right that's the only thing is i'm not a good i mean i'm gonna pay the ticket but whatever how much was it fuck the police they told me i have to wait three weeks and scan it and then find out in milwaukee a parking ticket for something like that probably would have been 35 50 bucks i'm assuming here it's eleven thousand dollars honestly i bet it's gonna be each day i bet it's gonna be 800 each minute you don't pay after the due date for 500 oh yeah um i got pulled over in marlborough where i grew up um driving my mom's car through a stop sign just rolled right through it that can happen it's an accident no it was i was just like and then um i i was like ah i looked and then i just went big mistake i was i was home for christmas and i was i don't know why i'm the family driver now when i'm like oh no i was home for thanksgiving and i was the family driver because i like to ride my bike and i was like rent the car because i want to pick the car and i always get a white f-150 i put nuts on the end of it and i'm like you think it's tractor sexy oh yeah love it love it you put lumber in there i get the big trucks i get the four-wheel drive i get the duallys you can't touch me you can't touch me i get so red state and a neck crack and speed you even know um and but so i'm always the family driver and uh you put them all in the back in the bed oh yeah nobody's allowed in the cabin with me everyone's dragging behind like the cans just married um i know they're marty maflying everyone's got rollerblades yeah rollerblades rollerblades so we're i'm driving and i take this left turn and And I guess I didn't realize it was a red light. And my boyfriend's mom just goes, oh. And I went, what? The whimper. It was red. And I went, oh, well, you know, but we're okay. If I had a nickel for every time Ms. Andrew Yang would just. Well, I was like, do you want to get to bingo or not? We're going to church bingo. Do you know about Catholics doing bingo? I do, but you know what else? How are Christian people doing gambling? Lottery. Yes. Mama, Christian people. What do we know about Christians? And by the way, this is the kicker. It's a fundraiser. For what? The church. So if gambling is evil, but we'll take your money. So if you come to church, we'll tell you how bad gambling is. This is made up by big church. Let me clue you in on a big feature of Ms. Christianity. Hypocrite. Hypocritia. Hypocritia Marie. When I was riding home, when I was driving home, almost in tears from that Cutco MLM group interview. And doing 90 on the. The 495 in Massachusetts, just couldn't, can't wait to get home. Pulled over, belittled, berated, and yelled at by the cop. Screeching. Did you take fucking drive? I don't think he said fucking. Didn't you take goddamn driver's ed? That's unnecessary. I didn't. What I can, but what I can appreciate about the guy pulled me over. It was a police officer, truly almost reading from a script transactional. Yeah. No one was mad at me. Yeah. He said, have a good day. He said, drive safe. Like we don't have to be mean. I think that's mean. It was. Extremely mean. It was bullying. Cause, and then I started fucking crying. I didn't cry. I would have cried. I couldn't believe it and cry the other day. Well, when I, so when I was, my friend Annalise would drive me to school sometimes and we got pulled over. She drove this huge fucking boat. We got pulled over right as we got to school. She had heaving breasts, right? Right. And she started. Her first name was anal ease. She started to cry and those big juicy droplets fell on the cleavage and she started to cry. And of course the titties started bouncing a little bit. And then you better believe that. The ticket was waived. W-A-I-V-E-D got scot-free. Why didn't I do that? Scot-free, hot, wet, jiggling titties. It's catnip for those nasty cops. Well, I was like, you're worried about my phone? I have an open flame grill on the passenger seat. Like what? I'm shaving my legs. I have three bodies in the back. What are you talking about? They're screaming. I'm getting LASIK. You don't see my doctor from Turkey? I just had. Doing, doing, putting hairs in the front of my head? I just had eye surgery and I have black eyes. Oh, I have the double LASIK glasses on. Oh yeah. I'm looking straight up and I'm possessed. So the eyes are rolled back like my bony bear. Bony bear. Bony bear. Not the white refrigerator. Wait. Not the black bulbos. Wait, more fake dicks. So, oh, um, yeah. So it's just these, so this is from Spartacus. I, of course I saved a few clips and I, then I, I, you know, edited them just for reference and, um, they are egregious. These fake dicks. I just, I would implore Hollywood. Maybe they don't have a huge budget. I don't know what the deal is. But if you're going to go to the fake dick road, because it's a full cod piece with a fake dick and balls and pubic hair, right? Full thing. Okay. I just would say. Why do you care? Can I ask why you care? Well, I'm passionate about onscreen nudity in mainstream film and television. I love the lighting. I prefer it to pornography. It's important to you that the actor who's cast shows their real dick. No, absolutely not. No, I don't want an actor to do something they're uncomfortable with. However, I would love it if the prosthetic and costume department would, um, somehow maybe step their pussy up a little bit, so to speak. Step their dick up too while they're at it. Step their dick and balls up. Right. Um, I guess I could see what you're saying. If it's going to be not real, you want it to be unclockable. Yes, because look, I mean, we all saw the substance. Margaret Qualley's breastplate was pretty well done. A lot of people didn't even know she had a breastplate. I didn't know. There you go. There you go. I don't think it matters. You don't think it matters? Like. Well, I think. I think what we're showcasing is a huge dong, right? Right. In that instance. There's, in the other version, the other season of Spartacus. What if the actors don't have huge dongs? Like, are you mad? No. Oh, you just want it to be really convincing. That's it. Right. If it's not convincing, don't show it. Like, oh, okay. I see what you're saying because it takes you out of it. It takes me out of it. It's like kid actors. Make them really good. Or don't have them. Don't have them. They can, I mean, there's so much you can do with an off-screen yell. Oh, my favorite thing is, I love this. You know, babies on sets, it's like, they have to be twins. They can work for eight minutes per day. Like, it's crazy. And I love to watch for the actors having the fake baby. Because whenever it's an unmoving baby, they'll do a lot more of this. Oh, yeah. And you can see it's a rubber hand. Love a shaken baby. Yeah. It's pretty. I love that shit. Yeah. When I'm entertainment czar, my platform will be, of course, realistic fictics. I'm going to be an agent with an entire roster of reborn babies. Reborn? The silicone babies. Oh. So it's like, oh, you're casting the baby. Let me see a picture. I've got a match for you. And then I got one of my, I call them. I'm an agent in this scenario. I'm like, we got a gig for you. You know, it's very like an old school TV agent. I call the reborn baby. I'm like, we're going to need you on the universal lot tomorrow. Dress casual. Yeah, you're going to be able to pee and poop on command. No problem. Yes. Oh, my God. And then I come in with the baby sort of as the handler. Do you know what was so crazy? Have you ever worked with a cat? Like in a TV setting? No. So I did this thing for that movie Argyle a few years ago. And I shot my shit alone. Like, you know, they interclipped it with clips in the movie. Obviously, I'm not there with Dula Peep. And, you know, I'm on another shoot day. You were on Argyle the movie? No, I did some commercials for them. Oh, okay. Like during Drag Race. With Henry Cavill? No, during the Drag Race hour. Got it. One of the ads was me talking about Argyle. Gotcha. Nobody knew I was there, including me. I'm just happy to be involved. Not even the cat. Yeah. Right. But there was a cat, a real cat. I don't remember his name. His name was like Gandalf or something. It was a crazy name for a cat. But all cat names are crazy, right? So they had the real cat for certain scenes. And up until literally action, they had a long stick with a plastic lid of like cottage cheese that they would smear like liver pate on. So the cat would stay in one place. And then as soon as I would say my line, they would yank that out. Because the cat, of course, when I start monologuing is like. Like the cat just leaps. So they got that scene a few times. And then they had a fake, so believable cat that they put in for the wide shots in the same place. And I was like, when can we get the fake Trixie involved? No, it just was. Stuffed? Yes. In the same outfit. Because they had a little hat on it. It was pretty cool. I think that's kind. And I think that that is a wonderful second act business entrepreneurship opportunity for me. As a cat? No, no. As a background actor. Yeah. As a star. I want real looking pussies, genitalia and animals. No, I'm going to provide all those. So I'm going to provide the ultra, ultra real stuffed. You have to go to a lot of carnivals. No, no, no. Maybe win a lot of. No, these these silicone babies are going to be so unclog. Oh, we're doing babies again. Yeah. OK. And big dicks. Everything silicone. You and I can get some babies, some silicone babies, reborn babies. Yeah. And these also these dicks unrelated to the babies that these dicks that I'm going to put on these men are going to be so unclogable. These men are just going to they're going to want to take them. I've been seeing a lot of tick tocks of people taking their reborn babies. No doubt. To me, like clarify what exactly that is. So it's a fake baby. I don't know if the word fake is offensive. It's a baby that they care for. That baby that they care for, that they love. Non-human baby. Yes. And it's not real. And I think it's for some people, it's a form of play. For some people, it's a form of maybe therapy. Maybe mix of both. Maybe they left their baby in a hot car. Yeah. And they feel guilty. You and I dress like fake people for a living. I'm not criticizing anybody. I don't want fake babies. Probably compared to a real baby. But they take them to like Disney and like push them in a cart and stuff. And I think it's fun for them. Maybe the attention is fun for them. It's a victimless crime. Yeah. Like, oh, my God, how old? Like, don't ask me that. How old? 20. Ageless. I've had this baby for 20 years. It depends. Yeah. Right. Oh, 90. It's actually a Benjamin Button baby. We only got a few days left. Speaking of Benjamin Button, what in the world was that? I thought it was really moving. Is that awful? No, I don't think it's awful. Is that the end when she's caring for him as a kid with dementia? It was just so. I found it. I want to know the elevator pitch for that movie because that was Mama Juicy birth. But by the way, we're speaking of babies. Well, do you know what's coming up? The like 20 year anniversary of Brokeback. And they're doing showings. And I want to go, but I'm telling you, I don't think I can handle it. Why? Oh, because the no lube in the tent and all that shitty ass. Oh, the crying. Shit ass in the tent. The scene at the end when Heath Ledger, who's dead now. What? I'm just kidding. When he is talking to Anne Hathaway. About like, oh, well, he always wanted his ashes scattered at Brokeback Mountain. That came up on reels the other day. And I threw my phone like a horror movie, like threw it across the room and backed against the wall and slid down. I was like, I can't go back there. Like I cried so hard at the movie theater. I've only seen it once. Wow. And it completely shattered me. Oh, I love that. It's a beautiful movie. You know, yes. And Ang Lee yanked it. But I just, you know, the eaten beans on the mountaintop. No lube, just spitting and sliding. Have you ever fucked with no lube? Why are you actually brand new? I have never fucked with no lube. Oh, come on. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Not ran through. To be honest, sometimes the chemicals in any lube irritate me. Sometimes the spit is better. And you ran through. I wish. I mean, no. Not ran through. You haven't watched Heat of Rivalry, huh? No. Once the zeitgeist settles down, take a look. Yeah. Maybe I'll watch it later. Like in years, honestly. like i'm gonna wait for the dust to settle with wicked no it's like i I need time and space. If it's good, it'll be good. It'll be good. Yeah. It'll be good. I watched Money Exchange. Let's hear about it. Hi, girl. You're on the pod. Sorry. I just called to confirm that you did indeed have foot feminization surgery. I did. I had FFS, foot feminization surgery. It's the best decision I ever made. They melted my bunions. They fixed my hammer toes. And I have the most beautiful feet on the internet. I currently have a 4.7 on Wikipedia. Yeah. So, Trixie, why don't you take that down to Fiorucci Boulevard and sell it. Monet, I thought everybody was pulling a prank. It sounded like they all made it up. I didn't know about this. I didn't know I did. Yes, girl. It's a fact. I love it. You better work. She's housing you on wicky feet right now, bitch. So, why don't you step up your foot game? That's good, though, because you do be showing your toes in drag. So, that's a good thing, right? Like, if you and I had a surgery, we don't ever show our real toes. So, it wouldn't matter for us. Mom, it's hammer time on these tootsies. Right. Do y'all have mangled, ugly, nasty drag queen feet? I had those. She does. I do not have mangled, nasty. Girl, she has yoga instructor feet. They look like they're made of fucking Legos. Yoga instructor feet, though, those are eagle talons that can grip a girl. Girl, she looks like she moonlights as a grape stomper. It's fucked. Stop it. All right. That's it. Thank you, Monet. Love you. Bye. Who is that? I'm just kidding. It's awful. Who else can be called out feet? Oh, my God. Check your wicky feet. No. No, you, control room. So, who, wait, let's take a wager. Who do you think has a higher rating? Obviously, you do. But if it's about size, do they like big feet? Because that might help me. It's a mystery to me. I have no idea. Because I have, we're 13s. There's a lot. What? What's the rating? Wiki feed. There's, like, young photos of you. What? What's the rating? I feel, can I say? Four out of five. I feel so. Out of five? Out of five. I feel so pillaged. Yeah. This is crazy. What? I'm out of here. You know what? I need the officer who pulled me over to go investigate that. Yeah. I know I was texting and driving, but what about wicky feet? I was on wicky feet. Yeah. That's crazy. You know what, though? People love everything. People love feet. Listen, I'm deductive fierce, and I have some questions. People love feet. They do, and they always say don't give it away for free. Do you realize the way that I would have killed to have a foot fetish? Are you joking? Most people have feet. You know what I mean? Well, I think sometimes, though, the foot fetish is attached to, I want to pick. I want to pick a picture that I'm not supposed to see. Is it? I didn't know that. Nobody's ever like, can I see it, though? Like, can I secretly get it? Don't you think? I have no idea. Because it's all about accessing a celebrity foot if we're not supposed to see it. But people must be busting at the beach all day. But I think it's fine. Like, love a foot. Love a foot. I put them in my mouth, and foot go through hell walking. I go through hell walking. I watched Walk a Mile on these wicky feet. Am I not even on there? No, you're on here. Your score is five stars. It says gorgeous feet. Shut the fuck up. Are you joking? You're kidding me. I beat her on wicky feet? I'm putting that in my Twitter bio. Her feet look like they're made of paper mache. Gorgeous feet? Because, Mary, I do have gorgeous feet. That's good. Well, all the toes, they're not like, you know, they're taper. Right. I have a beautiful arch. That's good. Dancer. That's good. Dancer. I'm going to remember that next time we're in choreography rehearsal. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. All I said was a beautiful arch like a dancer. I have the arch of a dancer. And that's rich. And it was. I feel my movement. No, no, no, no. Right. Still, it's kind. Right. But the toenails look like little guitar picks. Like lacquered coin chips. Right. So, I watched this other documentary. And the problem is I keep getting really high and watching documentaries that I'm sure I think are going to be fun. Getting high and watching the Susan Powder documentary, I was like, my anxiety can't handle that. So, the other one I watched, and this is like. Not a funny thing. Is it sex cult? No. Yes, kind of. I watched the documentary about the Boy Scouts of America because I was a Boy Scout for from like five to 15. Oh, I thought you were going to talk about the Ohio State one. So, I was a Boy Scout for 10 years. Loved it. I loved Boy Scouts. My personal experience. I quit before Eagle. Okay. My personal experience is I loved it. I loved spending time with people. Loved going out in the woods. Loved the activities. Yeah. It's fierce. The adults, Mike, everybody was nice to me. I loved it. But this documentary, there were some other things going on. I'm not saying that Boy Scouts is evil. Men are evil. But people are evil. Let's say Boy Scouts could have done possibly a better job background checking, et cetera, and notifying police when things happen. 82,000 people have filed claims against the Boy Scouts of America. And I feel bad because I know from the bottom of my heart when I was in Boy Scouts, I had legal. And I had legal leaders and scouting and all that who were good to me. Yes, of course. So the people who wanted to do good and they wanted to do it through the Boy Scouts, it's kind of overshadowed by these horrible events. Yeah. Like, for example, great priests who are actually servants of God, great gymnastics coaches who are actually wonderful leaders. That's what was heartbreaking is these people saying, like, I love scouting. Then this happened. My life ever changed when this happened. But up to that, there was like scouting for these people like they loved. They loved it. Yeah. And then something like this occurs, permanently changes them for the rest of their lives. There were people giving interviews who their wife and kids didn't even know about this. This was the first time they'd ever talked about it. And it was so obviously these people are very brave. And it's just complicated because I love I personally had a great experience and watching it and be like. Why do you join when you're a kid? Camaraderie, you want to learn to do things. Yeah. Because you don't you don't join for anything bad. The mission statement is actually wonderful. And they're so young. They don't know what happened. They don't even have a word for what happened to them until much later in life. It was a really hard thing to watch, but it was it was gripping, gripping. I couldn't I hardly made it through the Ohio State. I would like this world to run out of material to make sex crime documentaries about mama. I would like us to run all that. When the Larry Nassar, there's about two or three documentaries that came out, I think maybe during the pandemic or around that time about the gymnastics controversies. I have never had so much. Like the like the empathy. I've never been I've never felt more empathic. Like I would the rage. I felt it was as if it happened to my sister. Right. It was so. Yeah, that's good. I mean, it's good. But I mean, this is like I feel bad for people go through stuff. If my friends go through stuff, I suffer, too. But like this is I don't know these girls. Yeah, but you're putting yourself in there. And I'm a fan. I'm a fans. I'm fans of them. They're so incredible. And just like the way that that all stuff that all the stuff. Shook down and the like the, you know, the gaslighting, all the manipulation and everything is like it's so diabolical. It makes me I don't have like I can't even compute my brain can compute the anger. I know the anger is so visceral that like when that when one of the fathers tried to rush him in the stand. I was like, yeah, right. I you would have had to hold me back. Yeah, it's like it's so fucked up. And it's just like evil. I know. Don't fucking don't fucking do that shit. Yeah. God, it's awful. I mean, I was watching it thinking like, oh, well, everybody coming forward. Somebody even wanting to make this movie like a lot of people had to really. Yeah. Put themselves out there. Yeah. For this, you know. Yes. Yes. No, but no amount of money. About what they would win in a lawsuit or what they get paid to tell. No, it's not about money. No. You really got the sense that these people were freeing themselves. They were letting something off their shoulders. It was very sad, but very beautiful. You could see them. You could see them kind of grappling. And it's just like the level of honesty in this documentary was gratuitous. And while it was, it was, I'm not going to say good. It's not a good movie. It's not a feel good film, but it was, but it really was well done. Yeah. And I think of like when I was in the Boy Scouts, I mean, I listen for my home life situation going on Boy Scout trips, but I looked forward to it. Yeah. And so for me, it was like such a positive experience. And there were people in it who talked about all the positive things about it. There's 82,000 people coming forward. They said when they opened up. This website, they thought maybe they get a thousand, maybe 5,000, 82,000 people. That is so fucked up that you know, there's more. And then what happened is the Boy Scouts of America, when all these claims happened, went bankrupt so that there's no liability. And they're explaining like bankruptcy is not created for people to escape sex crimes. Yeah. Closing a business is, should not be a way to escape. It's a way that you can get a removal from the events that like, and so in some ways, bankruptcy can be used for people to not have to be liable for crimes, which I thought was like, I never even thought about. Yeah. That's why. That's why. Anyway, kind of a fun thing to bring up. Yeah. On the pod. On our comedy pod. Yeah. 251 baby. Let's talk about sex crimes. But you know what? All of you driving out there, you better be careful because you better not pick up your phone. You better not change songs. No. You better say, Siri, play Bon Iver. You better do something else. And if she doesn't put it on, honey, you listen to whatever the fuck you're listening to. Fuck else she puts on. Anything. Yeah. Or you can, on your steering wheel, you can go, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, volume down. Right. Or you could go over to Apple Music and listen to a Trixie Mattel mix that just came out. Yes. You could do the Little House one. You could do the J-Lo one. Oh my God. Jennifer Lopez. It's just coming out this week. Wait. Jennifer Lopez? Jennifer Lopez? J-Lo? The 25 year album. Talk about it. It's out this week. Talk about it. And I thought. What remix did you do? Play. Play. Play it all night long. Come on DJ. so I was so excited they let me pick the song and I picked that and i'm waiting for tonight i thought it was going to be like an album of all remixes and i would be like one of 50 whatever and i i'm i i'm like the remix on it i couldn't believe it are you fucking kidding me i'm gagged it's like are you the album with an extra song and then a tricksy remix i couldn't believe it you know this is funny this is a faded thing because i actually i don't know if you know this i actually you also no no i got i got this this is so funny i got those wheels in motion because i remember years ago when i i put on my instagram i'm performing with jennifer lopez tonight her team of course contacted me to take it down that's how she got to know you and then asked you to do the remix so you're welcome i'm performing with jennifer lopez tonight you just tweeted that yeah and then and then about 25 minutes later i got a call from our manager says could you please take that down jlo's team got you know if you did that now to a pop star if you did that to like zara larson you get a call and be like well you better be here bitch yeah i know where are you bring a tip spot because now they're gonna expect you but so thank you know you're welcome because i mean you would never have been on a radar if she hadn't googled you through me and right yes i appreciate that you're welcome okay okay bye Thank you.