From Home to Care Home: Helping Aging Parents Transition

(upbeat music) - Hi, I'm Cybil Virch. Welcome to the Wealthy Life Podcast. With us today is Heather Collingridge, a director at Optima Living. Not only does she have over 20 years experience in the industry, but she has personal experience in the challenges faced when supporting aging parents. Today's episode is all about retirement homes. There's so much to cover, so many questions we have. Things like, can I afford it? What's the experience like? And more, Heather, welcome, let's dive into it. Thank you for having me. So Heather, what is a retirement home? Well, a retirement home can be described in many different ways. There's different levels and there's different care needs that come in retirement homes, but the most important thing is that it's a community of people. There's supports and there's always someone there to help if you need anything. Do people still have a misperception on what retirement homes are and the different options available? Or do they even know? I think yes, there are a lot of misconceptions and a lot of unknowns too. So it's really important that you're visiting and doing your research. I think a lot of our seniors, they still picture their parents and their grandparents and where they ended up and that's a true nursing home. Retirement living is your next chapter. It's not where we go to the die, it's where we go to live. Oh, I love that. Now, I have personally been into several different types of retirement homes and I've been in the one with my 99-year-old grandmother and that is a last-stage for her and she does need full care. But she's well taken care of and loved and it was such a wonderful experience visiting her there. But let's back it up. What's the first stage people typically would look at? So I think the first stage, when maybe it's a little harder to plan your meals and cook your meals and cleaning and steers become a bit of a challenge, that's typically when we start looking at retirement living and maybe an independent living option. So tell me a little bit more about independent living and how many different, like there's independent living, assisted living? Yes. - And memory living. - Memory living. - Yeah. - And of course, there's always living at home. - Absolutely. - And bringing care into you. - Absolutely. Yes, so the first one is our independent living. So they're, you know, residents, they might get some support with meals, helps keeping, but they're relatively independent so they don't need 24-hour support. Now, they may get a little bit of care from time to time so that is possible in independent living, but they're still active living their own lives and probably still driving. Yeah, okay, I can think of a perfect example. So I was recently in one of Optima Living's properties, the Parkwood and Victoria BC. That's a hip happening place. Everybody's actually pretty vibrant, they're outgoing, they're having fun, there's activities, they've got their own apartments. Absolutely, and I think that's another misconception is the privacy and that you are still independent and can live your life the way you want. You've got your suite where you can be alone, but if you want to be with people, you can head out down the hall to the dining room or to the exercise class and socialize with other people. I think socializing is so important as we age. There's a lot of studies that link lack of socialization with increased risk of dementia and memory loss. So it's great, but some people don't like it. Absolutely, and I do say you're not gonna change someone just by moving to retirement homes. So if they were never a joiner and you're moving to retirement living, they're probably not going to be a joiner and that's okay. So I'd like to share a story about my grandpa if that's okay. So we moved him to retirement living. He used to play bridge, he loved to walk, get out in a boat and so we moved him and he only ever went for meals and back to his suite. And I said, "Grandpa, why aren't you going for walks? Why don't you join in the activities?" He didn't want to do that, but just joining his friends at meal was enough for him and he was happy. Well, that's great. I think about a lot of the situations where if you're in a relationship, spouses, and maybe one spouse's health is starting to deteriorate, what happens when they're no longer there? Or what happens if the healthy one goes first? Yes. And then the unhealthy one, that's a bigger transition. Do you see people moving earlier for that type of a reason? That's definitely the hope. So we do, unfortunately, see that a lot. So sometimes the caregiver, they burn out, right? And something will happen to them and then the one that needs the care is stuck and it's a bit of a crisis situation at that point. So it's better to look before you actually need it and know what's out there, but there are also communities where they can stay together. So if one is independent and one maybe needs that more complex care or memory living, they can be in that same building together. Okay, so independent living is really like, you have your own little apartment, you're in a condominium style building with plus, plus, plus, plus. What are some of the benefits that are included? So benefits would be the socialization. So there's always someone to have a meal with. You're not, you're never eating alone. I don't have to cook and do dishes. Never again. You get to live your life, let us do the hard stuff. So you can live your life the way you want to. Okay, what are the meals like? The meals are amazing and I do say you have to try a meal before you move to a retirement residence. So it is very important. Three meals a day, half of your day is around eating. So it has to be something that you like. Yeah, and I assume you can try meals at different places first to make sure you're happy with it. Absolutely, and you should. You should never move in without trying a meal first. So it's important, very important. What are some of the other benefits of independent living? So some other benefits are the activities. So there's exercise classes, there's outings. It's really like being on a cruise ship that doesn't move. I have heard that from so many people. It's, they struggle maybe to make the move. And again, I think it's the biggest obstacle I see is people think of it as a nursing home. I like what you said about this is living. Like for the number of years you have left, don't you want to live your best life? So moving in, it's like a vacation all the time. It is. So tell me about some of the outings. What do people love to do the most? I would say they like to go shopping. There's a lot of scenic drives as well. So the cherry blossoms would be a time that we might go out with the bus or during the fall. We'll go to anywhere the residents really want to. Casinos, if they want to go for lunch or dinner, we ask them where they want to go. So they'll help us build the calendar. Oh, great. And now if some seniors are still able to drive, is there room for their cars? Can they park there? Absolutely. So there's parking for the residents. Sometimes it's above ground, sometimes it's underground, but there is always parking for a residence. What about pets? We love pets. We are pet friendly. Most of the retirement residents you'll find are pet friendly. And as long as you're able to care for your pet, we want you to bring them. So I don't really see the downside. I'm actually thinking, am I too young to move into a retirement home? How old do you have to be? Is there an age limit or a minimum? So we are 55 plus communities, but we would never say no, but we do cater to the majority of our residents. So as long as you enjoy the same activities that are on the calendar, absolutely come on in. Oh my goodness, so 55, that's not that old. But there's a lot of young people, I think 55 is young. Wanting to live the good life, absolutely. OK, so that's independent living. That sounds pretty fantastic. What a cost on independent living. So costs are actually pretty reasonable. So you can get a studio suite for just under $3,000. And that would include all of your meals, housekeeping, and your activities. That seems really affordable, absolutely. There are, if you wanted to go for a luxury option, you can pay a little bit more, but it is very, very affordable. And what are the suite options? So you talked about studio. Is there one bedroom, two bedrooms? You bet. So there's studio, one bedroom, two bedrooms. And sometimes there's even one bedroom and a den. Now, what about if you have out-of-town family that want to come visit? They want to join you for a meal? How does that work? Always, always invite to your family. So we want-- the more the merrier is our model. So we do typically have guest suites based on availability. So if they even wanted to stay on site, they could with their loved one. Or a lot of the communities will have costs, too, that we can put in the bedrooms. Oh, great. OK, so hopefully you can just live there forever. But assuming, as we age, we start needing more and more help. At what point is independent living not suitable? So I would say, once you start to need some unscheduled care needs, so if it's something like a shower that we can schedule or get in dress, that would be more independent. But if you're starting to have a few more falls through the night and you would benefit from a nurse being on site 24 hours, that might be when we're looking at assisted living. And how about with help with taking your medications, your prescriptions at regular? Can you still live independent and bring people into help with that portion, or is it time for a move? You actually can. So as long as it is a scheduled medication, so there are some medications that people need as needed. So that might be a time to go to assisted living. But if it is a scheduled time that we're giving it, then absolutely independence and option. So when they start needing a little bit more care, what's the next move? So from independent, it would be to assisted. And then assisted living, the next move after there would be long-term care. And that's typically when we have some complex care needs and residents need help getting in and out of bed and to and from the washroom. So quite quite high care. That's like my grandmother. But at 99 years old, go girl. That's right. She's getting taken care of now. So talk a little bit more about the in between then, the assisted living. How is that different from independent? So the assisted living, you're going to have 24 hour nursing team on site. Independent living, you might have a nurse or a health carried, but it's not going to be a trained medical staff overnight, necessarily. OK. And what are the cost differences as we move up the spectrum? So as we move up, it depends. So there's funded options, but then there's also private options. So for looking at assisted living in maybe a studio suite, we'd be more around that $4,000 or $5,000 mark with the care. Now, when do you need to move to long-term care? And I think you touched on that briefly, but when you really aren't able to do much for yourself, that's the time. Exactly. So if there's complex care needs such as feeding tubes, or if you have trouble getting in and out of bed and you need a lift, that would be the time we're looking at long-term care. Now, how expensive is that? Well, there's funded options based on your income, but then there's also private pay options. So you could go in privately around that $8,500 mark, and then they would go up to around $11,000 or even $24,000 depending on the community. So $24,000 a month for some of the premium, most expensive options. That's right. And not a lot of people can afford that. No. And that's why we've got those funded options as well, which is nice. So funded, I assume you mean government. That's correct. OK, so let's talk a little bit about the differences between private care and public government-funded care. Yeah. So I would say the care is actually the same. You still have the nurse, you have the same care level, but maybe it's the amenities that are a little bit different in the public and the funded options. So can you paint me a picture of what that may look like? So if the average person going into one facility or another, what would they notice? So they might not notice a lot, to be honest, unless they know. But a private pay, long-term care community, might have a few more options for meals. A few more options on the menu. A few more amenity spaces within the community itself. So they may have more bus outings. OK, yes. If they're in a position to take advantage of that, that's correct. Now the long-term care setting, I assume, correct me if I'm wrong, but is a little bit more clinical because of that. Whereas the independent and assisted living would be home. Is that-- it's true. And I think that's a perception that a lot of people have. We do try to make our long-term care communities more like home as well. But that is definitely a perception, because there is a lot of nursing. There's a lot of wheelchairs that you're going to see. There is a lot of care that is in your face. Now to qualify for public or government-funded facilities, what's involved? What's the process? How do people know what they're eligible for? And is there a wait list? So there are wait lists. They are quite long, to be honest. But you would go through home health. So you would get an assessment. They would help get you on the list. You make your picks. And then you wait for an opening at one of those communities and you're able to move in. Oh, which is nice. Do you see people sometimes spending the money at the private in the short-term until they get through the wait list and approved for the public? Yes, absolutely. We see that often. So if they've got the means and the need is there to move in, they can't-- they're not in the hospital or they're at home. And it's not a safe environment. Absolutely, they'll come in privately and when a funded option comes up, it's a 30-day notice. So they just give their notice and move to that funded suite. Well, like you say, not everybody can afford that. Because even on the lower end at 8,500 a month, that's a lot of money for the average person. So if they need that type of care and can't live safely anywhere else, they're usually in the hospital until a spot comes up. Unfortunately, that is what we see a lot of. Now, is the priority of getting into a facility based on need or how does that get decided? So it's actually all done through-- it's Veeha, so the Vancouver Interior Health Association. So they're the ones who do the assessment based on the needs of the resident and where they are. So if they are safely housed, someone that's in the hospital and they need that bed might get bumped up on the list. And so we're talking about the process for those that live in BC, specifically on Vancouver Island. But people live all over Canada or other parts of the world will need to look into their local government agencies, I guess, and find out what they're eligible for. Absolutely. Home care is your first step. So each province does have home care and they're the ones that you would reach out to. They'll walk you through the process. They'll do the assessments and get you on those lists. So what are the biggest things that prevent people from exploring these options and making a move? I think it's fear. I really think it's fear. It's the fear of the unknown. They don't want to maybe see what's in their future as well. A lot of our residents, they might go into an independent living community, not a complex care community because they don't want to see what's in their future. They want to see who they are today. Yeah, which is good. And I think cost is a big factor. Now, when you were telling me the cost of the independent living, that seems very, very affordable for the average person because that's your housing, it's your meals, it's some of your activity, some of the basic activities I would assume everything that's on site. Everything on the calendar, yes. And if people own their own home, one option is to sell the home, invest the proceeds. That should be more than enough to generate the income needed to pay for that cost for life. Of course, assuming they don't need to go to long-term, private care too quickly. That's right. But it's very doable. Absolutely. And I do think a lot of people forget about the sale of their home when they're looking at retirement living options. OK, so let's talk about one of the big challenges I see is having the conversation, having the family discussion. So I'm at that age, and so are many of my friends. We're all at the same age, you're the same, dealing with aging parents. And I'm listening to these horror stories. One friend's dad had a bad fall and now can't live on his own-- can't-- he's not very mobile. Another one, the beginning stage is a dementia or Alzheimer's. There's just so many reasons that have popped up that it's time to talk about maybe making a move. It's not really safe to live at home anymore. Worrying about, are they taking their medications properly? Are they getting their meals? Are they showering and bathing as regularly as they need to? So how do you start that conversation? Well, I think it really depends on the senior two and where they're at in their journey. So if they're quite early on, I think it's important to say, let's plan this together. If something were to happen to you tomorrow, you couldn't tell me what you wanted. How do I know? So why don't we explore these options now before there's a need? And if the answer is, you're going to be dragging me out of here in a body bag. So end of discussion. I don't know what you do with that. And that happens often. So we do have different events. One thing that I always encourage our adult children to do is to come to our open houses or an event. And it's no pressure. Let's not do a tour. Just come and see the fun side of it. So come and meet the other residents. Hear it from them. Which is great. Then they can see it and feel it. Now, how do you get the parents to come? Do you get them to go for a meal? How does that work? Absolutely. We do meals. Other residents will actually talk to them because they've been through this journey. So they were all in that same boat. Nobody wanted to make that move. Nobody just wakes up and says, I'm going to move to retirement living today. So to hear it from a peer, I think, is very helpful and to share that meal and see the fun and that it's not the end, that it is the next chapter. I just worry about some of my friends' parents not making a move and something really bad happening. And I also worry about the caregiver. So whether it's the spouse or the kids and a lot of the caregiving responsibility still falls on the women, you know, the child, the female child, who's now an adult, middle-aged adult. But what's available for them if they need a break? Like, how do they avoid burnout? So a lot of the communities will actually offer respite care. So what we've seen is if there is a love one they're going on vacation or maybe they are providing that care and they're just tired, the resident can come stay with us temporarily, give them the break that they need so that they recharge and refresh and the resident can come home at the end of that stay. Now, do you do just day visits or are they all overnight visits or can you pick and choose? So if we're looking at a respite option, typically we would want to do a minimum of two weeks and a maximum of a month for those days. So give them a really good break and then also the resident, a really good snapshot of what it's like living in our residents list. I think that's reasonable. I think most parents as stubborn as they can be might enjoy that. If I'm going on a vacation and my in-laws need some help and I'm not around to help them, maybe they have a two-week vacation in an independent living. Absolutely. Yeah. So what happens when they try that? Do they want to leave? We've had some instances where they've come in temporarily and they've never left. So we've moved our furniture out of the suite and their furniture back into that suite. Okay, so it works. That might be another way of opening up the conversation. I do think it's important to have the conversation and you really did a great job of explaining a nice way to open it up. Hopefully this never happens but should the time come when it's no longer suitable for you to stay at home what do you want to have happen? Bringing care into the home is fairly expensive as well. I don't know if you have any pricing or stats on that. If we're looking at a 24-hour care so someone is there all through the day and the night, it would be closer to that 10,000 a month for that living care. And you still have all the expenses of your home. You don't have the cash 'cause your money is still tied up in your home unless you do a reverse mortgage but we'll save that for another segment. There's a will, there's a will, there's a way. So let's just make sure people get what they need and get it set up in the first place. So there's a lot of different options out there with all the different retirement home providers. There's low-end, mid-range, high-end. What are the questions people should ask and what should they look for before deciding where to try? Where to move? So I think one of the most important questions that we need to ask are what happens if my care needs change? Do I have to move? Can I stay here? Are the costs going to increase? So that is a very important question. Yeah. What was the other one? Yeah, well, I just think, yeah, what are all the things? All the questions people should ask when evaluating the different retirement homes. How do you know which ones the right, like cost is a big one, amenities and benefits? And I guess it's what's important to you too. So some residents, as you mentioned, it maybe it's the sweet that's the most important and bringing that China cabinet and making sure that fits so that might be what we're looking at. Right. What do you do with all your stuff? That's right. 'Cause you're downsizing. Now, you have a past life early in your career. Tell us a little bit about what you were doing and how you helped people live this. So I actually used to have a company. It was a downsizing and moving company for seniors. So we would come in, we would downsize, we would help them sell, donate or get rid of what wasn't coming to the new home. We would get the house ready for sale, we would move them in, hang the pictures, make the bed, so it was a one stop shop. Now, what was the most challenging situation you had and what was the easiest situation you had? So the easiest situation I had was a lady that came to me and said, "I'm moving. "I don't want any part of this. "I'm going on a cruise. "Here's the keys to the old place "and here's the keys to the new place." Wow. And then how did you decide what to keep, what not to keep? She had her non-negotiable, so she let us know and the rest she let us just downsize for her or sell. Oh, beautiful. Okay, what's a difficult situation? A difficult one is a lot of times our residents spent a long time collecting things that maybe aren't worth, what they once were. So a fax machine is no longer worth $50. Those beautiful crystal glasses that you have. Unfortunately, they have come down. Who's China said? Like, nobody wants China anymore. No, if it doesn't go on the dishwasher, they don't want it. No, so someone, the difficult situation is people who are holding on to things. Exactly. There's emotional attachment to everything. Yeah, and location, I think, would be really important. So depending on what stage people are in, where are their friends and family, are they located near a shopping mall because they're still active enough to walk across the street and go do things on their own, or do they want to be closer to ocean views, mountain views, park views, and how easy is it for their family to come and visit? Absolutely. And we do see that a lot where the resident will move closer to the family or the family will move closer to the residents. Heather, I am blown away with all of this information. I do want to walk through one more scenario. So I can think of a friend of mine, Mum and Dad, getting up there in their 80s. Dad is still okay, but has a little bit of physical health issues, but still able to get around. Mum is early-stage Alzheimer's, both still living at home, support one another, have very good at social. Not needing a ton, they definitely need some things. Medications, the meals being provided would be a nice plus, but other matters still able to live fairly independently. What would their options be? Because I'm not sure if, like, should they, are they still eligible for independent or do they need to go right to assist it? So I think they may be still eligible for independent, with the memory issues. It's, once they start to wander, they can't find their home or they can't find their suite. That's when we would be looking at other options besides independent living. But the sooner you move the better, and a lot of times couples will do better together, and you can build that muscle memory as well. So if there is some dementia that's starting or Alzheimer's, it's better to make that move sooner if that's the step you want to take. - Yeah, and if you are a wanderer, that's the biggest concern, 'cause I know some are not wanderers, so you don't have to worry about that. But is there any type of safety and security features that these homes have to prevent someone from escaping, and not knowing where they are? - Absolutely, so once they get to that stage, there are secure memory living neighborhoods that really cater to those residents. A lot of them are in the shape of a circle because they're residents that like to wander. There's no end, so they can continue on all day long and they're happy and they're not getting to end of a hallway. - And they can't leave the building, right? Is there a code or something to get out the door? - Yeah, usually there's a code to get in or the community will let you in and out. They can leave if they're with someone, but just not on their own. Now I did meet the sweetest little lady a few years ago. Unfortunately she had a little fall. It was in this side street neighborhood. She's on the grass, we stopped the car. Oh, she needs some help. She had no idea where she was. We had, she had no idea on her. She didn't remember her kids' names, her phone numbers, somehow she escaped. Somehow we put two and two together and managed to figure out where she was and we got her back there. Thank goodness for you. And I tell you that facility. Yeah, I think they put some extra things in place for that, but maybe somebody opened the door for her and let her out. - You'd never know and sometimes two residents with dementia, Alzheimer's, they look like just you and I and they are younger and younger. So it is possible that a family member was leaving and didn't realize that they were right behind them and they did get out. So is there any final comments that you'd like to share with people today? - I think my final comment would be go to the retirement home, go and announce, see how they receive you when they're not expecting you for two. - Unannounced, I like that. - Yeah, my favorite story was I was in a community and a lady came on Friday at five o'clock. I had my coat on, ready to leave and she wanted a tour, so I took my coat off. We went on the tour and she later admitted to me that she did that on purpose. She wanted to see how she would be received a Friday at five o'clock. - That's great. So show up, unannounced, go to a few different facilities. - Absolutely, compare them all, try a meal and if you are getting close to that decision making, do a trial stay. Ask if you can come and stay for a few days, you can really get a feel for the community. - Wow Heather, so much great information. Thank you so much for being with us today. - Thanks for having me. - And where can people go to get more information? - The best place would be Optimalivian's website so it's Optimalivian.ca and of course, you can always look up all the other retirement living options on Google. - Thanks again. - Thank you. - And don't forget to join the Wealthy Life Club if you haven't already, where you'll get access to all the resources you need to live the Wealthy Life. As always, please seek independent professional advice before taking action. We are here to provide information to help you learn and ask the right questions to make smart decisions so you can live the Wealthy Life. (upbeat music)