Frogs

(upbeat music) - Hello. - Hello. - A final turn of the wheel this summer. - I've realised that I am an old and out of touch bastard. How so? - I found out this morning I was listening to the Rest is Entertainment podcast. - Okay, that's your answer, thank you. - Yeah, you're right. (laughing) - Yeah. - It's less than I thought, man. - It's not less than I thought. (laughing) - No, I'm so sad. - So is your leap of a stage name? What reason did I do this? (laughing) - That's a good question, though, Mike. Is your leap of a stage name? - It's not for us to ponder. - Bonjo, as soon as you start listening to the Rest is Entertainment, that's when you need a sort of new beige bath. At least the attitude I put various sort of hinges, straps, and then a pulley system, pulley system. And just generally more beige, hard, molded plastics need to enter your life. - And a little shelf next to the bath that contains a little tin of hard boiled travel suites. (laughing) - Also, instead of toilet roll, you now have just a stack of born-ville chocolate. (laughing) - I got completely algorithmed out of travel suites quite recently. What do you mean out of travel suites? - Well, you know, you've got your very sort of beverage containers and storage shelving units within your little, you know, your high end AI10, right? So you've got your travel coffee and you've got your travel suite container and it's all in there. - So these have a little pull out little sort of unit that they slot into or whatever. - Yeah, well, the travel suite area has now been commandeered for use for a special little stick that I can use in case I accidentally drive into a lake and smash myself out. (laughing) - What? - What, whoa, whoa, whoa. - Yeah. - Keep talking. - Well, it's just a little, it looks like a little sort of pen torture or something, but it's got a little sort of, there's a sort of, kind of little tiny needle on a spring. - There's a mini harpoon. - In case you get a mini harpoon by sharks. - Exactly, but it's an excellent algorithm for the provincial middle aged man. Basically, they're like, here's a thought you haven't had. You might drive into a lake with your family and your dog. - Oh, is it to break the glass? - Yeah. And it'll show you pictures of very big, burly men who've had a lot of chouille trying to kick their way out of a car and they can't do it. - So basically, you break the glass and then a wall of water, a wall of water. - A wall of water. - A sewage filled freezing cold. Rock hard turds, (laughing) - It's basically underwater turd hail. - Flows in, at 120 miles an hour. So you die of a mixture of extreme fatal concussion, very speedy cholera, drowning incredibly fast acting cholera. - Yeah, and the choices, would you rather that? - Or do you just want to have a sort of protracted family argument for 40 minutes while you run out of oxygen, discussing whose fault it was that you came off the road? - Do you know what Mike? I had this exact thought though. I think I may have been algorithm because I had the same thought about, but it was less about being in a lake. It was about being in a crash and not being able to get out. - Okay, okay. - And I was thinking, could I kick through the window? - As you see the little flicker of flame. - Yeah, exactly, first flicker of flame. That's what I was thinking about. - And then the clock is ticking. - So the crash has happened and it's that bit which happens in a film which is it then explodes a few minutes later. - But that does actually happen as well. - Yes, yeah, but before that there's a few moments where he's, you know, Bonjo, he actually looks sexier than he's ever looked. He's got a lovely cut across his forehead, quite a sort of soot smeared face. He's coming to his tinnitus, is it absolute peak? - Yeah, and in the movie version, they put the tinnitus in the sound design, which I always hate because it feels like they're using my sort of ailment as a plot point. I hate it. And does that make, does that bring your tinnitus out? - Absolutely, it does. - It's okay, so it's okay, I hate it. - So as far as you're concerned, there's an internet that's running through the design of the rest of the film. - Exactly. - So what's the tinnitus you think in films? - It's because they'll have the recovering, they're coming to, after an explosion, they'll often do it, they'll put in the tinnitus sound. - Everything else is a bit muffled. - Yeah. - You're standing in the way of a horse. You're standing in the way of a horse. - Yeah. (laughing) - And they realize they're in the mid of the Olympic gold medal dressage. (laughing) And their horses explode it. It's the worst place to crutch. - The Iron Dye Horse. (laughing) - Crash Iron Dye Horse into another horse. And you know, you've got a matter of seconds before the horse explodes. (laughing) - And you've got, also, you're trying to retrieve love letters from the glove compartment. (laughing) - The Iron Dye Horse, 10 does have. Doesn't have a glove compartment. - It comes with the love letters. (laughing) - You don't even have to receive them. - And you're trying to pull out all those love letters from Anthio Turner, 'cause you don't want them to be found. (laughing) - You've probably said you'd burn them. - Yeah, you choose which 90s levels you'd like the love letters to be from. - Yeah. (laughing) - That's right, so you can choose from a mixture of Anthio Turner, Nicholas Lindhurst. (laughing) Paul Gambecini. (laughing) - Or your first French teacher. - Oh, Madame Brown. (laughing) - Madame Brown. - Madame Susan Brown. (laughing) - Straight from the sore bone, wasn't she? (laughing) Madame Susan Brown. - So I was thinking, Mike, that I needed to buy one of those mini hammers you see in a train. - Yes, it's the same kind of thing, yeah. - Which is obviously for if a train crashes into a lake or the sea, isn't it? - Yes, that's right. - Or a horse. (laughing) - Or a crash into a horse. (laughing) - It becomes completely embedded in the horse. - Yes. - One of those special hammers that can smash anything. - Well, that's what I'm led to believe by the hammer. - No. - 'Cause you have to smash the glass to get the hammer out. But you don't have the hammer to smash that glass. - No. That's very much BIO hammer. - Yeah. - I mean, that's the problem with privatized railways is that, you know, back in the day, there would have been another little hammer, but now you've got to pay extra and bring your own. - How many of you? (laughing) - I think we're all on the same page in terms of how we think about things, 'cause I also have a real fear of drowning in a car. - Okay. - Of a car going into a lake and what do you do, essentially? So it's your thing. It's a little hammer to break out through the. - It's a little yes, sort of spring loaded, little sort of needle that will crack with glass. So then you can clear it and heroically swim out, leaving your family behind. (laughing) - That's right, well, there's another button you pressed as in it and a metal sheet comes down, cutting off the back seat and the passenger seat. Only the driver survived, and one canine. (laughing) 'Cause Pam has a kind of. Well, she's trapped her kind of ejection seat in the boot actually. - Yeah, yeah. - She'd have been deployed before we even hit the water. - Yeah. - She's already 200 feet up. - Yeah, she's descending through the air. - Yeah. - On a series of parachutes. - And also a series of special treats a bit. She's actually, for the first time, Foughton and Mason home hard lamb junks. - Yeah, we're always followed by Foughton and Mason drone fleets. - Best in case. - That's right. - So it's the highest quality biscuit. So for her, it's basically the best day of her life. - Yeah, yeah. - And it's important that no matter how bad things get, it's always the best day of Pam's life if possible. - Exactly. Which she always is actually. - Oh, too, yeah. Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam. - Good girl, Pam. - Good girl, Pam. - Oh, Pam. - Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam. - So, yeah, my fear has always been, what do you bloody do? Because as soon as the car goes in the lake, I one thing is the electric window mechanisms, all concoct, instantly. That's my fear. - That's true. - Well, I don't know, I sort of imagine that's what happens because they're electric, whereas the old days of the kind of wheelie ones. - Yes. - That's definitely a modern phenomenon. - I think that that has stopped people being able to get out of crashed cars, definitely. What, the week being able to use the wheelie thing? - Yeah, that everything's shut down and they can't use the wheelie, wheelie. There's no backup wheelie. I mean, if I was a car designer, there would be backup wheelie. - And some cars these days don't even have, this is me being all bastard again. Some cars these days don't even have handles, 'cause they have to come like the Tesla ones. - Yes, the handle comes out. - But that's purely to humiliate gen X's and boomers as they sort of, it looks like they're doing sort of really crappy mimax on a car or trying to rub massage oil into the car door. They're trying to find out. - I know I get in, how do I get in? (laughing) - It's like you're trying to gently caress a lover. - Yeah. - You're trying to find that spot. - You're trying to find this week's pleasure point. - But also you don't want anyone to know that that's what you're doing, 'cause you don't want people to know that you don't know where the fucking car door is. (laughing) - So you're using wider and wider areas of your surface areas of your body. It starts with a fingertip and then it's hand and then both hands and then it's a whole thorax. It's being smushed up against the bonnet. - Eventually, you realize you're a caution to the wind, you've made it to yourself anyway. You hold onto the roof of the car, you start banging it with your crotch. - I'm fine, just go. - Just go. (laughing) - Well, in future if Mike ever gets a new bit of the Tesla, he's now got his little tiny mini hammer that he can just smash through the window. - Oh yeah, yeah, I can get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - I carry one with me at all times. - Yeah. - It's okay. - Of course. - Yeah. - Will affect your Uber rating though. (laughing) But I do worry about that in the crash, 'cause before it's just a mechanical thing where you can open a door, but now it's like this kind of electronic system with. - Do you know what I mean? - It used to be, I didn't know if either of you ever remember this. There used to be cars where you'd sometimes have this in a car hire situation on holiday, where the front door car windows were electric and the back ones were wheelie-wheelie. - Okay. - And that would be the ultimate irony, as you're. the people in the front who probably secure the booking of the car hire perish. It's their deposit, isn't it? It's their deposit, but they're the ones paying the price of short-changing the people in the back who can actually escape through the wheelie-wheelie. Yeah. So screw you. [laughter] Someone. [laughter] And actually, you know, weren't you climbing to the back and come out this way? No, stay there. [laughter] If I'm going to start hitting you on the head with this rock that I brought with me just in case this happens. [laughter] My travel rock. [laughter] I have brought a concussion rock to concuss people in the front. [laughter] Yeah. Does that come from a point where it's so you're encased in an air bubble for a bin? But the deeper that the car sinks, here we go, it's time for us to get into subacuatic physics. [laughter] We'll be waiting for our job. So the deeper the car sinks into Lake Idaho, because it's the Great Lakes, come on. [laughter] This has got to happen in the Great Lakes. Okay, yeah. One of the great ones, anyway, Idaho, Victoria, Lake Susan. [laughter] The pressure starts to melt so much. Well, how deep are we thinking Lake Idaho is? Is it deep enough that at this point, the car's the size of a sugar cube anyway, so it's all a bit moot? [laughter] I've just looked at Lake Idaho, there is no such lake. [laughter] Well, that actually puts us in a more positive situation because maybe we haven't us crushed into a lake. Yeah. Or you're already dead. We're in Lake Idaho. Hang on, Henry, it's about to get worse though. Lake Idaho was a massive ancient lake. Oh, wow. Hello. In the piliocene epoch about 10 million years ago, we shouldn't have got them medically sealed, chariot. [laughter] I knew it was a mistake. Over millions of years, the lake was so deep and long lasting that it had accumulated up to 5,500 feet, that's 1.7 kilometers, a fine grained mud, silt and volcanic ash at its floor. Like, is it in America or is that where Idaho is now? I think it's where Idaho is now, you see. But you know what? I would basically, I think I would buy a car if its entire thing was, you're okay if you drive into a lake and that was all a dissolving car, completely dissolving car. You want Alka Celta to start issuing a car, right? Yeah. Build a car out of Alka Celta. [laughter] I'm sure you can do that. In the rain, obviously, but no, that's where car brellas come in, which we sell as an accessory. [laughter] Car brellas and car anorax, and it works for people, why not? Car ghouls. Car ghouls, baby! [laughter] For the record, I had the idea of car ghouls, even though I wasn't able to say the idea of car ghouls. First, I actually had the idea of car ghouls before we had car ghouls. I've written to him about car ghouls with a letter that was actually a dissolving letter. See, we've got to prove that in return, and actually the letter itself was prototyping the material for the car as well, that's why it was dissolving, but I didn't send a letter ghoul, which wouldn't meant he'd be okay. I had the idea for car ghouls. Thank you. That's just for legal reasons. That's fine. I've also written all that all down. I'm going to send it in letters to myself and an email to Anthony Turner. My worry is that a listener will listen to this. We'll one day drive their car into a lake, and somehow they'll be like, "What are you meant to do in this situation?" And all they can think about is like, "I'm going to have a thing called car ghoul." [laughter] And we've kind of pushed out the actual knowledge. In a sort of brainworm place of some really good advice that they once got from a Submariner or something. You know, we've got the other thing we do, Mike. It's just me and Ben has got nothing to do with this whatsoever, okay? The car is made out of alcohol cells, sir. Yeah. The car is relatively cheap. We do the same thing. They're with printer cartridges, which is the printer's cheap. They fuck you with the cartridges, and we fuck them with the car ghouls. We're kind of happy to say that to our shareholders, to say that in our press release. It's going to be totally open. We are fucking you with the car ghouls. So the car is really relatively cheap, and it's made out of alcohol cells, so we can team up with the alcohol cell to people. If you're driving hung over, you just give the chassis a lick. [laughter] So that's a little bonus. How do you feel about being left out of this, Ben? [laughter] I've just been really about what you should actually do. I think it's fairly important that we should say. Basically, you take your seat belts off, smash a window. You can't smash the windscreen. That's not going to happen. No, do you smash a window, though? Using Mike's tool, or if you haven't got a tool, you can take the headdress off the back of the seat and use the metal prong. Oh, nice. Very good. That's the Maghiva approach. I like that. I almost regret buying that little thing because of that. Yeah. I basically just get out as fast as it does. Is it worth mentioning Shadok at this point? [laughter] I mean, Shadoks. No, I'm talking about the fact that you were definitely going to Shadok yourself. [laughter] You've got to carry on. No, no, no. What they call Shadok? Shadoks. If you had it, that's a problem of yours in Phase 2. [laughter] That's what you've got to battle if you get out of the car. That's what you've got to deal with at it. That's what it's had at times. I'm punching you away through a swarm of them because you're not all going to make it through. Because they will strip a car to their bone. [laughter] In seconds. And then anyone and so on. You're a little tiny of things, no good. You want a massive. Yeah, but you don't want to, you don't want to lose a matter of rattling around in a car crash, do you? I mean, that's the last thing. Yeah, they would have survived, but. Yeah, yeah. There was a matter of pinballing around the inside of the car. [laughter] Anyway, I was saying that I've ridden as I'm an old bastard. Yes. Yes, keep talking. It was just because I was listening to the rest of the entertainment podcast. Yeah, well, there you go then. I think we can do that again. That was a good fun first time. Why not? Why not just do it again? Yeah, go on. What were they talking about? They said that the record for the longest standing UK number one, can we try and guess this? I think I've got to guess immediately. Okay. I think it's the Brian Adams Robin Hood one. That's what I was going to say. So I thought it was that as well, but apparently it's wet, wet, wet. Everything I do. I was. Wishing well? No. Wishing well? I didn't wish in real. I wasn't working. But number ones don't exist anymore. They do, but there's a new song that's broken as. There's a new song. Hang on. Is it by any chance? Burn him in, yeah. [LAUGHTER] Burn him in, yeah. Burn him in, yeah. Burn him in, yeah. [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER] Burn him in, yeah. [LAUGHTER] We now come to Andy Burnham. Remember for Make a Feel. [CHEERING] [MUSIC PLAYING] Burn him in, yeah. [MUSIC PLAYING] Burn him in, yeah. True. True. True. If there was any justice in the world, it would be that. So it's a new song by Sam Fender, who I'm aware of, and Olivia Dean, who I'm aware of, called Rain Me In. It's been number one for 16 weeks or something. And I'd never heard it. I'd never heard of it. And then I stopped the podcast and I put on Spotify. I was like, surely I've heard it. If it's been number one for 16 weeks. And literally, I'd not heard a second of it. And I was like, that's a teller. That's a teller's knit that I'm now completely out of touch. Yeah, I think it is. Should I give it a listen? Yeah, give it a listen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you heard this mic? No. At this moment, the beans list of the song. We can't share that with you because of copyright. Thank you, Andy Burnham. I don't really have anything to say about that. Well, no, it's incredibly dull. Yeah, it's quite slow. But the thing is, you have to be into something. Like, if you're into him, you know about him, you know his other music. You know what I mean? He probably earns it. If you drop fresh into it, as we know, there's any one song that is instantly lovable and that you can't not like. And that is Burnham and Mania. [laughter] Burnham and Mania. [laughter] Different policies. Up, up, up. Different policies. Oh, from Burnham and Mania. Doot-do, new verse. [laughter] Pacadonia. Doot-doot-doot. Pacadonia. Good-doot-doot-doot. Is Neutron Burnham? For the purposes of this podcast. ♪ We are politically neutral ♪ ♪ We don't care if you live or die ♪ ♪ Bring back hanging down ♪ ♪ Bring back hanging down ♪ ♪ Nationalized the road ♪ ♪ Don't nationalize the railway ♪ Did either of you like recognize that, though? No, I hadn't heard a whisper of that song. I mean, is it to do with our at-a-most society? It's more difficult. Maybe there is an old Git vibe. I think it is harder now to. Well, I think it's easier now, rather, to lose touch with this stuff than it was. Because it's not as if everything is just pumping out of the radio. I mean, every generation would have been. There would have been no escape from wet wet wet in the '90s. From anyone. Yeah. Because even if you're just walking to a shop somewhere, it's going to be playing. That's true. What would be playing in a shop now, Mike? Burnham and Mania. He's a bit like me and you, ooh, ooh. Because I love him now. and I understand culture and things, so if you're interested, I can explain. Yep, come on. So basically, we now live in a silo culture whereby there is no sort of monoculture anymore. Apart from the traitors. Apart from the traitors, there isn't a wet wet wet wet. There's now wet moist dry-ish. You know, there'll be different versions of different things for different people. Completely separate type of work containers. Incepically separate type of wear silos. Exactly. Essentially, before we lived in a vinaigrette culture, so that's mustard, olive oil, and vinegar held in a suspension. Emulsion? In an emulsion. Where as now, we live in a more of a trifle culture whereby separate things are sort of layered on top of each other, but don't really mix. No. But you can see, it's their trifles in a glass dish, their glass bowl, you can see just in the way that we're more connected than we've ever been. And yet. More in low heart. More palm strip. Oh my god, we are a trifle. And I'm a glassier cherry. And I don't even like glassier cherries. I find them too sweet. You wish you're a glassier cherry. I wish I was a glassier cherry. I'm a lard on that has fallen into the mixture from a different dish. Let's turn on the bean machine for the final time this series. You bet, sir. This week's topic are sent in by Glen from Okazaki, Japan. Oh wow. Which are nice. Okay. I can't pretend to know where. Which bit of Japan that's in? None of us have been to Japan except for Mike and Ben Partridge. What? Yeah. It's in the south bit of Japan between Kyoto and Tokyo. Lovely. Nice, you. Anyway, Glen has sent in frogs. Thank you, Glen. Frogs, eh? Frogs. Hmm. Delightful little buggers. That's my take. I think you're right, though. I would challenge anyone on this planet not to smile upon seeing a frog. To smile upon the frogs, yeah. Yes. But I think they would likely also find a toad quite sweet as well over the toad between the two is the one that is used, you know, pejoratively in language. Yes. Well, we've talked about this before. How different animals have their dark twin. Holes. Donkey. Yes. Rabbit. Hair. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Wasp. Rat. I'd go beat a wasp. Sorry. No, you. Totally right. I've got that. I've got that right. I'll give you one. Yeah, sorry. Yeah, b wasp. Butterfly. Moth. Dolphin shark. Yes, Dolphin shark. Crab. Haddock. No, that doesn't work either. I didn't know the human hand. Crab. Is it the crab as a diet? Autonomous version of the human hand. What is it for human? Are we. Are we just the bad orangutan? Yeah. We're the bad young to the orangutan's yin. It's Bernamania. Oh, Bernamania. Oh, Bernamania. Oh, Bernamania. Oh, oh, oh, oh, Bernamania. But people can ask me about the Bernamania songs. What's going on with it? You know, when are we going to hear more of it and stuff? Yeah, they're going to be really spin-offs. Is there going to be a TV series of it? Is there going to be a real housewives of Bernamania? What's going on? I mean, I know Henry started writing a very keening ballad about a vet Cooper. That's right. But every time he tries to sing it to me, he starts crying. Well, it's very, very moving. But it also, it's part of the whole Bernamania, the whole Bernam origin story. That's the musical I'm going to write. So it's a jukebox musical. Yeah. The world's first one song. It's a mono song, jukebox musical. Every song is Bernamania. It's been a different genre, it's time. [laughter] Songway me and Shakira. Because Ben did a very cool thing on YouTube where he was editing it, the Bernamania jingle, which went on last week's episode. And I tuned in. I think it was a live stream. He did it as a live stream. So I tuned in for a little bit just to watch. It was very enjoyable seeing what it was up to. Because I hadn't logged into the chat. He didn't know it was there. Yeah. I was watching Ben. You know, Ben was completely unself-conscious and really being himself. I think powerless and vulnerable is how you described him to me when he talked about it. That's right, yeah. Because I was actually live streaming. Me watching Ben. Yes. I was streaming the edit, wasn't it? And actually my live stream was actually quite not more popular than his. [laughter] Because I was doing live commentary. That's the cult we live in now, isn't it? It's Twitch. It's people comment. It's just watching people commentating on other people watching on someone commentating on someone eating a fucking creme brulee or whatever. That's the society we live in now. I mean, eating creme brulee is absolutely the sort of thing we would do as a patron episode. We've actually discussed it. We've discussed it. [laughter] So yeah, that idea is still very much life. But there was a moment where Ben said, "Oh, and I'm just going to select 10 Resortio here." And yeah, when is he going to work out what key he's that he's seeing this in? So this should be interesting. Oh, he detects a little barb in there, did you? I'm just saying. That's what he said. [laughter] I just want Ben to know that I remember these things and I'm keeping a tally. [laughter] Okay. Did you discover that there was just one key or did it sort of slip about a bit? No comment. Oh, that's very revealing. I think I remember being very complimentary about you. I'm not even knowing you were there talking about how. You tend to. When you sing. You tend to sing in a very consistent rhythm. You obviously have a very good sort of internal rhythm beat. I love you. I love you. This is all I've ever wanted to hear from anyone. [laughter] But the tuning is a problem. So I said, "No, what have I got this good?" Well, you never have to be time anything. You're always basically just on the beat. So I'm bang on schedule, but I've got a rock sack full of shit. But I'm on time for the meeting. Which is the opposite of how I'm in real life. It's interesting. I'm late for the meeting, but I haven't shattered my rock sack. But also to be fair, you weren't singing that in the expectation that I would then produce music around it. There's always a little bit of an expectation. Everything he says or does is going to be set to music. That's how I live my life. There's a little bit of personality and a little bit of magic in everything I do. [laughter] A little bit of Mary Poppins. Yes, Brinkled with a little bit of Poppins powder. It did strike me yesterday that maybe we should. There'll be people outside of the UK who don't know who Andy Burnham is and why I haven't actually experienced the emotion of Bernamania, you mean? Not exactly, not yet. Well, they're going to know soon enough, aren't they? Yeah. Because he's very soon to become the most powerful man in the world. [laughter] That's so true. It's so true. And people like Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg and the grandchildren of Colonel Gustafi will be coming to pay homage to him. Right? There's going to be a massive homage. It's going to happen on the roof of Canterbury Cathedral, isn't it? [laughter] On the tip of the spire. It's going to happen on the tip of the spire. Because he's pan religious. He's going to join the powers of church, state and the army and big tech and actually small tech and being a fan of the Smiths all into one unique package. So just in case you don't know, Andy Burnham is going probably 99% going to be our next Prime Minister. What I think is interesting is by the time this podcast comes back in September because of the way politics works, everyone will hate Andy Burnham. And it's just going to be interesting to find out how and why what you will have done. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Willy have head-butted pro-leith during question time. It comes, yes, which they do, they advise not to do that. That's kind of less than one in media training, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Even if she provokes you, do not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you want one of them, go for Paul Hollywood. Go for Hollywood every time. It'll do wonder for your ratings. Just glance right off him. He won't mind. Frogs. Frogs. Yeah, frogs. Oh, it was with that dark animals. Yeah. Yes, every animal has its dark twin. And I think the toad is the dark twin of the frog, isn't it? Yes. Even though, and I'm getting ready for a ball of king already here, I think there is a type of frog that basically comes with its own flick knife. What? There's a type of frog I think that can genuinely, like sort of, can break its own toe bones or something and poke them out to use as a weapon. What? As a tropics? That might be rubbish. But I think that's a fact I've been come across in the past. That's the kind of gross thing that happens in the animal kingdom, yeah. I'm going to stand by it. I'm going to put my neck on the line. I think that's true. So even though frogs have got that, if that's true, they're not the baddies. It's towed to the other baddies. I mean, also loads of them are just covered in poison. Oh, yes, of course, yeah. Well, they're lethal. Is it South American? Is that frog poison dark frog? The poison dark frog. Yeah. They've got great color schemes, though. Often contrasted with a lovely deep black as well. Yes. And there's rich reds. And there's fun little nodules on there. Oh, I think it might be time for the illustrators, yeah. Hello. Penz. Color. Penzins. The vanishing bite. Perspective. The horizon. Not technical. a professional traditional sets, a razor, crayon, charcoal, a view from the Illustrator's chair with Henry Pagger. And I thought to myself, that beaver needs one thing, it's either a moustache or a bow tie, but it can't be both. But I was wrong. I do like drawing frogs. And how do you distinguish between a frog and a toe on the page? It's all in the warts. I'd make a toe a bit more squat, but it's quite hard to tell the difference. Toad to be more squat, but very, very worthy and mottled. Yeah, frogs, I really like drawing frogs. You know who draws a great frog is Quentin Blake, who draws a great frog. He's got a whole book about frogs. But basically, the key with frogs is you put the eyes at the top, then this isn't a very good podcast. You draw the eyes at the top. Did you just say, "I've performed nothing, this isn't a very good podcast." Yeah, just got to me. He said the silent bit out loud as they say. That's the headbutting pool either podcasting, not supposed to say that. And then there's a big body underneath like that. So for the listener, Henry's showing us a drawing that he's sort of half doing. Then sort of webbed feet and things at the front. This is bad podcasting, sorry, but I do like drawing frogs. They're very lovable. Is it true? So when I was a kid, I believed, and this might be bollock worthy, that if you touch a toad, you could get warts from it, that's not true, is it? I don't know. It does sound like nonsense, doesn't it? That feels like the kind of thing that they would have said to the middle ages. But also it feels like if you rubbed a toad on your acne, it would cure it. It would cure it. We're replacing it with warts with identical war, but you still have to pay, you still have to pay the toad monger, because he's completely, you're actually, that cleared up. It's been reposed by identical wars. Our toads like in the witch space, yeah, very much so, because they get chucked into cauldrons, don't they? As his eye of newt, you know, newt, which just sort of feels like it's number three in the sort of frog, frog toad sort of amphibian clan. People don't think about newt, it's quite so much. No, they don't. Well, they got linked to Ken Livingston, don't they? Newt? Yes. Yeah. By the way, in the musical, but I mean, how? Sorry. No, because he collected the newt. In fact, sorry. Yeah, it's the opening scene of, so in Bernamania, the musical, that's right. The whole thing is narrated by one of Ken Livingston's newt, by one of Ken Livingston's newt's. Okay. Yes, he was, the papers used to try and cast him as a weirdo by going on about the fact he was a newt keeper. I don't know. I missed that completely. These days, that would be an adorable affectation. They'd be like the press people would try to be make more of that, wouldn't they? They'd have like a, they're an Instagram account. Yeah, we're looking, taking care of these gentle little creatures. Yeah. That's a good point. But like Putin wouldn't keep it. Like, no. But did we live in a strong man culture? It's true. It does seem like a bear back. What is it? A bit of hunting, but a bear back horse. He like giving people dogs who don't like dogs. Yeah, he's got a nod relationship with animals. Did he give people dogs who don't? He gave Angela Merkel a dog, even though she knew that she was, I think, afraid of dogs, had a phobia of dogs. I don't think a logic necessarily. And he gifted her a dog. Yeah. Yeah. I am public as well. Bloody hell. Yeah. What's that you don't think? Where is that dog now? I've got no idea. I assume someone's taken care of it. Do you know what I mean? There must be someone in Merkel's entourage who's in to dogs who's up for a story, a rescue dog. Yeah. Where did you get yours? Batteries. What about you? So he's a deep-state agent for letting Putin. Mine's a rescue. What's yours? Mine's a Putin. Yeah. So it's Putin actually. He's a re-gifted Putin. And he's absolutely chock full of GPS trackers out of Merkel. He will be. Yeah, yeah. And long-range microphones. Yeah. He also sometimes takes off and hovers above military facilities taking photos. And strafes telecommunications facilities. He's trying to dig up deep sea cables. That's pretty useless. And I've got a friend who keeps newts. Really? And yeah, Nigel. And he keeps them in a sort of new terium or they just sort of create some back gardens space that they would like. So he has got a pondons back gardens. Yeah. Just quickly. So this is Nigel who keeps newts. So just to confirm everyone, this isn't the character from 70 sitcom. This is Nigel Farage. It's Nigel Farage. It's Nigel Farage. It's Nigel Farage. It's my friend Nigel. He keeps newts. Yes. Okay. My friend Nigel, who used to work for Noel Edmunds. That's true. Pretty him. And so just I'm just going to use the information I've got to deduce some other stuff about Nigel. He drives around in a gray car and he tuxes shirts directly into his wife's front. That's nice. No, it's fine. Really? No, that's nice. Sorry. That was a warning. That was an example of Nigel Stereotyping. Yeah. It's not funny. It was big in the 70s. Well, Nigel's been through a few stereotypes because that's the second Nigel Stereotyp. But I think before that there's a quite sexy Nigel Stereotyp. Is that? And the havers. The havers era. Havers. Haver, haver, haver. Sleek, glossy hair, supple, yet firm musculature. Take me to the Louvre. Slender biceps, pure thoroughbred. Nigel Havers, equine tail, shins of alabaster, soap and monogrammed luggage, and the next strength of a hyena. Nigel. He's a luxury prince. When havers was a young man, it was quite a posh, it was quite posh name. It was like you'd have Nigel's going around Chelsea with, you know, with tennis shoes and having love affairs in the summer. Lovely. Sure lived. And one havers is not enough to keep that stereotype going. Perfectly blonde wavy centre-parted pubic hair. Exactly. It becomes almost translucent when kissed in the sun. Oh God. And also, for breakfast, this Nigel has half a watermelon and a squash ball. And a squash ball, and the whole thing, washed down with a mug of piping hot limon jello. Exactly. That's the stereotype. You want to get in touch with him because you keep, because you're pretty sure he's shagging your wife. Why can't you get in touch with him? Because he's shagging your wife right now. He's always shagging. He's always shagging everyone's wife. That's his name, that Nigel. It's almost sort of something you understand at the point of getting married. If you know a Nigel, he's going to be, so it's interesting, isn't it? How does it happen with names? At one point, the name Nigel have flipped, because Nigel was the dirty girl nerd name of like the 80s. Hey, you know what it was? It was Nigel in the young ones. Yes. So this is a reference. Lots of people weren't now. Oh, no, no, no. No, he wasn't. Sorry, sorry, sorry. No, but Nigel in the old one, Neil. Neil. Neil. What's the drink all? [laughter] [music] Yeah. He comes. It's your old friend, Neil. A long head hippie with a certain appeal. He's an 80s sitcom entertainer, and he's played by Nigel Plainer. [music] [music] It's so good that we've got Neil Jingle. Yeah. It's amazing how often we use it. [laughter] I've got a theory. I think Nigel's gone from its super sexy posh, aspirational stereotype, but it's then been, there have been people who've been trying to take that on. There have been couples who've been like, we're a bit downy and dull. We don't want our little baby boy to have the problems that we've had in life. We're going to give him a name. That's going to make him. It's going to make him seem like he must already be a sion, but actually he can't escape the genetic. He's genetic nerdiness. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry, what's a sion? Like a sort of a revered, precious son of an important dynasty. Oh. Good word. Frogs. Frogs. Yeah, frogs. Yeah. As I said, I think at the top, I think we all agree in the end. Cute little buggers. [laughter] Very pro frogs. So be interested, Glenn, to know what the frog scene is like in Japan. Yeah. I like seeing a frog. If I ever see a frog. Yeah. I'm like, it's a great day. This is a cool. This has helped me. Yeah. This has helped me. And two are listeners. I hope you see a frog today. Yes. Yeah. It's hot out there. It's not easy for frogs. I don't think. And it's heat. So if you see one, just pour on a bottle of cool orangeina, yes please. Frogs also fall into the category of, there are a lot of things like this. Very, very cute, adorable, lovable, sweet. I think about the most smile. If it's in my flat, I'm having a nervous breakdown. I'm calling Mike. I'm throwing cutlery everywhere. [laughter] I call the fire brigade. I call it fire brigade. I put a frying pan on my head. And I don't know what's going on. I've cancelled everything in my diary. I forgot on what my name is. I mean, it's such a state of fear and panic. Yes, yeah. Other things in that category include pigeons and teoterna. Teoterna. It's time for a plug zone. It's got to the point where we need a plug zone jingle. We need a plug zone jingle, then. Yes, I will think about that. Well, it's the end of July, which means that the Edinburgh Fringe is starting very, very soon. The Edinburgh Festival Fringe, no less. And Henry and I are both going to be there, aren't we? Indeed. You're going to be previewing your new tour. That's right. I'll be doing some preview shows for my new tour. Saturday, the 15th, to Sunday, the 22nd. I'll be previewing my tour show in Edinburgh, not the 18th. Well, you're going to need a day off after that run. I'm going to need a day off in the middle of that run, because I've given a lot in those first two days. I mean, we're talking about one hours work per day. It's on at 3.30, it's just the tonic, something or other. I'll be doing a little run of the bench, dropping touring, hitherto, and then that's going to be 6th to the 16th of the assembly. Can I say, I've seen the bench, and it's superb. Oh, thank you, old friend. So we'll be there, but there will also be countless amazing shows, but there's some that we know about in the week we can plug. We can recommend. We advise you urge you to make your way there. They include Celia A.B.'s. We must stop meeting like this. They include Freya Parker and her hour of decay. They include Gareth Gwynns, Cyril. They include Tom Neiman's portrait of Thomas Young Leenan. Yes. And Madeline Brettingham's legend. And these will be outstanding shows, one and all. Chris Cantrell for God's sake. Unmissable, crucial viewing. And actually, when you go to Edinburgh, it can be overwhelming. There's so much choice. And we've got a sort of little package, which is basically it's called Paxania. And what you do is you layer between all those shows seeing Henry Parker's preview show as a kind of a mules boof slash palette cleanser. So you put on a layer of packer, then one of them, a layer of packer, then one of them. Then two layers of packer, maybe. Because actually, let's face it, Pastor is the best bit of a lasagna. [LAUGHTER] And then, and then, and then all we do, it's all we say is, at the end, cover yourself in hot, hot, hot, beshamel sauce. Yes. Which is a great, I mean, that technique Henry does require you doing the show, I think, six times minimum per day to facilitate the-- We're just not to be across one day, can we? Yeah, for a week, perhaps. Like the best lasagna, it's a dish best served over the seven to eight days, having to Tuesday off. [LAUGHTER] Yeah. And I would describe Mike's bench show, which is very brilliant, as a very good beshamel. Oh, thank you. To finish off with? Yes. It's hot. It's creamy. He masterfully takes the butter of ideas, combines it with the flour of gags, rolls it together into a roux of perfect entertainment. [LAUGHTER] And if that doesn't put you off, nothing will. It also has the element elements of peshamel, which is a little bit claggy, a couple of nose hairs. There's a couple of nose hairs in the mix. Can burn the roof your mouth if you're not careful. And is the most famous final source chosen by Syraculers on death row? [LAUGHTER] But apart from that-- And BP, you've been a filmmaker as well, a traveler and a filmmaker. Well, a bit. Yes, I mentioned on this podcast a few weeks ago. We talked about Dr. Chance. Dr. Chance, we're all the dyes. Me, it becomes out nasty. Me, it becomes out nice. But you got it, we're all the dyes. Yes, I wish I'd got Henry to do a voice over it on the ensuing video. So I made a kind of half hour long YouTube video, which shows my randomly picked dice-based interl travels across Europe, which I'm looking forward to watching. I don't know how you'd find this. I guess if you typed into YouTube, it's called "Letting a Dice Decide My Interl Trains for 5 Days." Can we put a link in the show notes? I hear people say that on podcasts. We can do that, yes. And also, you extend the dyes to other things, don't you, for example? Today, will I wipe my airs? [LAUGHTER] Or will I wipe his airs? Will I wipe someone else's airs? Things like that. Well, I sprayed you wood when directly into my mouth. Isn't it? It's quite dark. One to five says, yes. Six says, two squirts. [LAUGHTER] I just really want to try it, basically. And Henry, you had something else you wanted to plug? Well, there's your tour, as well. Don't forget there's Henry's tour proper. If you can't make it to the Edinburgh Fringe. If you can't make it to the previews at the Edinburgh Fringe, then yes, my tour proper is kicking off in September. I just thought I'd give a little shout out to some of those September dates, because September will be upon us, won't it? It'll be upon us before you know it. Before I know it. I'm going to shout out some of the September dates up north. We've got 18th of September in Manchester. The 23rd of September in Birmingham, which isn't actually up north, but it's-- All the way you are, in terms of where I am. It's all relative. And the 30th of September in Liverpool, all those tickets selling well, get yourself down to HenryPacka.com. And again, as I said before, just enjoy the website. Full color. It's got-- It's got-- Well, you need to-- It's just a full color. It's time for-- It's starting to fade, though. It's starting to fade a little bit around the edges. But there's two font-- Never boil wash a website. Geneva, it's full color. I shouldn't. I shouldn't have done that. But yeah, I've got two fonts, which were all paid up in the jit, which you used in the typeface. It's got the jit fonts. No, no, there's both leg fonts. You could legally write a website with these bugs. That's how paid up they are. There isn't a frequently asked question section yet. And also, there's no way to ask me to put one on. At the moment, that's stuck in limbo. And also, I would like to recommend people to watch Fun Boys Series 2. That's a very funny show. What if they've not seen Series 1? They should see Series 1 first. See Series 1 first. But you don't really have to, actually. But I'd recommend Catching on Series 1. But it's on I Player. It's very, very funny. Give it a watch. Top draw. Great stuff. Time to read your emails. Yes, please. [MUSIC PLAYING] ♪ When you send an email ♪ ♪ You must give thanks ♪ ♪ To the postmasters that came before ♪ ♪ Good morning, postmaster ♪ ♪ Anything for me? ♪ ♪ Just some old shit ♪ ♪ When you send an email ♪ ♪ This represents progress ♪ ♪ Like a robot, chewing a horse ♪ ♪ Diff me a horse ♪ ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ ♪ And he beats me ♪ ♪ My beautiful horse ♪ Thank you to everyone who's emailed us this series. If you want to send an email, send it to [email protected]. Amy writes, "Dear Beans." I've just caught up with your recent episode, "Marshall Arts." And we're somewhat taken back to here. Henry's account of hosting Chinese professors at his family, Christmas's. Yeah. As I believe this practice to have been unique to my own childhood. What? Really? My father was an academic in the 1990s. My family and I endured many an awkward Christmas dinner in the company of a succession of visiting Japanese professors. Oh my God, that's funny. None of whom spoke a word of English, nor we, anything beyond a self-conscious konichiwa in Japanese. My mother eventually banned this practice. [LAUGHTER] Yeah, that's exactly what happened with her. Good for her. And that's well judged because, as we discussed last time, no one wants it. The visiting academics don't want it either. They just want a quiet day. They've got a lovely day off in London. They could walk around town. There's no one there. It's quite fun. Walking around home and going home and watch ghostbusters. That's all they want to do. And instead, they've got to sit with a turgid family, eating food that they would be like. Yeah. Sorry, Amy, we're not describing your family as turgid. No, sorry. And apologies to my family. If you're listening, I'm also not describing you as turgid. [LAUGHTER] Who wasn't describing as turgid? We don't know, emailing your thoughts. [LAUGHTER] But it was so awkward. It was clearly came from a good place. But it was just like-- we kind of dreaded it. And also, having to eat-- I think it's a Chinese academic in the '90s. Having to eat English Christmas food. Yes. It's particularly-- it's quite a deep cut of weird flavors, isn't it? Like, sprout. Because even the vegetables are cooked in thick layers of animal fat. Oh, no. It's that plate. Mind you, everything is encrusted in lard. Everything is studded with cloves. Yeah. [LAUGHTER] And to see all the sprouts and the sort of pigs and blankets. And it's just quite an odd sort of meal that we all accept because it's Christmas day. But we're also ready for it as well. So we understand what will happen to us in the afternoon or evening when it's gone down on us. What will state will be in? How will we manage the pain? Yeah, as they would have been like, oh, I'm dying. [LAUGHTER] This is unsurvivable. There is no comfortable position. Well, that's why every boxing day, the Samaritans are absolutely overwhelmed with phone calls from Chinese academics. Saying, why am I farting so much? [LAUGHTER] So yes, Amy writes, my mother eventually banned this practice, though we still had the odd random university associates stay with us every now and then. This included a German cellist. - Wow. - Who he barely saw due to his concert schedule. Upon his departure, he left a note on our kitchen table thanking us for letting him stay and making particular mention of the musely he'd enjoyed so much every morning. - It was like muse lick to my ears. (laughing) Goodbye Gustav. We didn't have any musely and could only deduce that he'd been helping himself to the guinea pig mix. (laughing) - But we kept on the count to it. (laughing) In a tasteful hexagonal jar. (laughing) - I love the idea of a true maestro. (laughing) - How happily gulping on mouthfuls. - I cannot find this musely anywhere. I tell you, my performance is the energy it gives you through the day, the slow release of sugars. There's nothing like this musely. (laughing) - Elgar wrote for this musely, do you understand? I must tell this musely. - It was like I was elgar. (laughing) But at the same time, it also felt like I was quite small and had fairy cheeks. I don't understand what was going on. (laughing) - I had to stop and piss in some hay. (laughing) - Also, after I get the Albert Hall, I head under a fridge for two days. (laughing) Still don't know why. (laughing) - Oh wow, well thank you, that's a fantastic idea. - That's brilliant, you think? - Oh wow. - This is from Joe, Dear Beans. My son Leo, a devoted listener, is celebrating his 12th birthday on the day of writing. - Happy birthday, Leo. - Yeah, a big time, happy birthday. - Happy birthday. - He did not ask for the latest Nintendo switch nor a new bike as his main gift. Instead, he is now a proud owner of a Pinto-Bean Patreon subscription. - Yes. - Oh, I love Lee. - The future is in good hands. So you'll understand why I have to write in and quietly repair the damage you do to my professional standing. Because despite his obvious intellect, he continues to attach enormous weights to your opinions. - I don't know. (laughing) - Following your recent newsings on the Road of the Fire Service at Village Fates. - I thought this was coming. - Yeah. - I'm stepping in as your unofficial Fire Service liaison officer. - Okay. - So he's a firefighter. I can confirm that our attendance at a fate is not, as suggested, an exercise in flirting with the locals. (laughing) - Okay. - While we're there, we do generally useful things. We make appointments to carry out home fire safety checks. We might run a chip pan demonstration that reliably terrifies at least one father into finally replacing his smoke alarm. - Don't throw water on a chip pan fire. - Is that the phrase? - I think the phrase is, "Don't have a chip pan." (laughing) Yeah, that's a good point. And we set up road safety activities that are almost entirely ignored in favor of the fire engine. - Right. - Which within about four minutes becomes a large red climbing frame that children hang off while their parents take photographs. I'd also like to lodge a formal objection to the suggestion that a fire engine is roughly equivalent to, "Here's a bin." Or, "Here's a zebra crossing." (laughing) - That was, yeah, 'cause I suggested that it's getting people to just type into the municipal objects that exist in the town. - Yes, so I was putting a fire engine on level with a bin and a zebra crossing, yeah. - Yeah. - All three are undeniably valuable pieces of public infrastructure. Only one of them is equipped with approximately 300 meters of hose, a thermal imaging camera, and an increasingly weary firefighter explaining that the bullhorn has to stay off because it's giving the ladies from the W.I. palpitations. - Interesting thing. Fact is a little tricky about zebra crossings, bins, and fire engines. Nigel Havens has had sex in all of those. - Act once. - For the same time. - Yeah. - It's possible. - Yeah. - You shove a bin in the cockpit of the fire engine and you stall it on a zebra crossing, and then you invite round Samantha who you're having an affair with, 'cause she's married to your friend Nigel, who's also a Nigel, and you know full well that Nigel will be checking your wife while you're checking his. - He gets it. - That's what happens when Nigel gets it, but they, yeah. - It's a, it's a Nigel's thing. And a great thing to, yeah, to bring up Henry when we know that Leo is going to be listening. So welcome to the, welcome to the gang, Leo. - Welcome to the gang. - I do all this largely, so my son continues to believe his father has some standing in the world. - Yes. - A belief which is being eroded by your podcast at an operationally significant rate for his sake, tread carefully. - Okay. - We do try, but they can't really help ourselves, but thank you, Joe. - Yeah. - It's Joe the watch commander. - Watch commander, well that's quite cool. I live near a big fire station. I was walking past it the other day and I had a little glimps through the shutters on the front and there is a ping pong table just sat there. - It's real, it's true. - You're not listening. I don't feel like you're picking up what Joe's putting down, Henry. - No, no. (laughing) - But do I always have to pick up things that other people put down? - Certainly. - Certainly, but you could, you could let him have the rest of the summer off, potentially. Maybe we should build a slightly more heroic picture for Leo. - I mean, I think one thing we haven't really referred to, at all in our discussions of firefighters in fact, they do actually put out fires and save people. - That's true. - And they get a lovely big shiny red truck and wall to wall shags Monday through. (laughing) - Thank you for your service, Joe. Can we all say thank you for your service, Joe? - Thank you for your service, Joe. - Cheers, Joe. - And yeah, happy birthday, Leo. - Good on you, yeah. - And actually don't worry about blowing up the candles in your cake or leaving it near some curtains 'cause you're in safe hands. (laughing) (upbeat music) - It's time to pay the ferry money. ♪ Patreon ♪ ♪ Patreon ♪ - Patreon.com. - For such free beat salad. - Thank you to those of you who signed up at our Patreon. - Yes, thank you. - Thank you very much. - As this is the last episode of this series, the next month of August, there'll be no episodes here on the normal feed. - That's true. - But there will be a weekly bonus episode over on the Patreon feed. - Yeah, get yourselves down to Patreon for non-stop content over the summer period. - I managed to say that as if I was reading it out, but I wasn't reading it out. (laughing) That's quite a scale. - Yeah, there's gonna be lots to look forward to. Just as a window into what might be coming, just to let you know, I've got six melons in muffridge. - And I've got six melons in muffridge. (laughing) - And Mike? - I'm down to five, my friends. - Hey, yeah, you finished one. - You're making that what you will. - Yeah, we've got a matter of the themed episode for you over on Patreon. We've already laid down an episode where Mike reads me and Ben a. - A folktale of the west. - A folktale. - A folktale. - Which was really great. - A shrewsberry folktale. - Yeah. - So yes, if you wanna keep listening to the beans over August, come and join us on Patreon. There are two tiers you can sign up to. If you sign up at the shorn bean tier, you gotta shout out from Mike from the shorn bean lounge, where Mike was only last night. - Oh, I certainly was. - And it was a bit of a weird evening. Wasn't it last night of the shorn bean lounge? Everyone ended up spending the entire evening trying to work out where that weird smell was coming from. (laughing) - Didn't they? - Exactly right, thank you Henry, and here's my report. - Everyone was trying to work out where that weird smell was coming from last night at the shorn bean lounge, a nose committee consisting of Sam White, the negative bishop, Jonas Trapeacas, and Adi Malhotra was hastily assembled to define the character of the smell and found it to be large, but lacking mainstream appeal while also being foxy yet with notes of sinister. They were unable to determine if the origin of the reek was animal vegetable or mineral or just good old-fashioned dishonesty. Raymond, John Titles, Beatlow Sullivan, David Knowles and Bob were caught bottling the smell with the intention of selling it at a black market arms bizarre and must now spend the rest of the summer cleaning the pebbles at the shorn bean private filthy shingle beach. Hannah Smith, just for a pug, three dogs, not one a pug, and Effor declared downwind of sexy mu The Funker to be not the freshest, but Brian Goodson, a reed, 88, and Christopharus established this to be a false alarm using blindfolded smell testing enhanced with the use of carry crumbs patented nose trumpet elsewhere in the, maybe this is life now, so let's just make the best of its suite of the shorn bean lounge. Mick Hallworth, George Albany and Richard Moggendorf had established the smell brought out the earthy notes of a catchatory salami and Alex McMillan, laws and abbey discovered it nullified, non-disclosure agreements. This was not enough to placate most of the group and soon the search intensified with Rob Watson being sent up the boiler flu and the knuckle being sent down the strong alkali sludge pipe and Robert Salby also be being sent into the shorn bean labyrinth. The fate of all three remains unclear at the time of writing. Some became suspicious of other bean loungers as the potential cause. Sarah Stevens accused Monroe Hall of wearing undergarments made from living pelts, justine Lee accused David Welch of rotting and Stai accused Mike R of burning industrial waste just below the surface of his own anus. Similarly, a wheezing, groaning sound was heard coming from Gareth and it sounded like the sort of sound that would smell. So Gareth was sniffed within an inch of his life but was found to be so impossibly odorous that he was designated a likely bot and microaved until sparks flew. Jodie Orr, Jenny Rose Ray and Lindsay Jones attempted to reverse engineer the smell understand it better, but in doing so simply generated 18 small fires, 47. seven toxic spillages, and a very large pile of washing up, James flooded and dried out the whole lounge with everyone in it, but the smell was still present, so a nose-tip search led by Meredith Arthur was again conducted of the entire lounge, but this time included hard-to-reach spaces, such as tall ceilings, interstitial plenums, and the shorn-been Sequoia arboretum, and the smell was identified as being Keir and Clenell's cursed monkey. Thanks all. Okay, that's the end of the series, we'll see you again in September, but as we said, we'll keep going over on Patreon all the way through August, we'll finish off with the version of our theme tune sent in by Pete. Thank you, Pete. Thanks Pete. So Pete says, "Hello Beans." It's been several few times already that the musical genius behind the theme tune is the way that while the other instruments are playing in a standard 145 chord progression, the bass stays firmly on the one instead, brackets a technique no less than Paul McCartney employs to devastatingly beautiful effect in the verses of "If I needed someone, I wondered what it would be like." If that were to be reversed, so the bass goes off to the four and five chords, but everything else stays on one. Okay. So I got to separating the track into its separate instrumental parts and got pitch shifting to find out. I then got carried away making a new intro and stuck the armen break on it because there's nothing that that can't improve, cheers Pete. Thanks Pete. Sounds like there's going to be a lot going on here. Yeah. Thanks everyone for listening. Have a lovely summer. Remember, if not on the airwaves soon, thanks for your time. You'll see you in September. On you, school, shoes and shorts. Bye. Thank you bye. [Music] [Music]