130: Fritos by the Pool with Kyle Kinane | Soder Podcast | EP 128

Hey everybody, thanks for watching the podcast. The Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour is coming to an end. We got Larchwood, Iowa, this Friday, Grand Falls, Casino, and then I'm going to be running my hour in Omaha, Nebraska, one of my favorite clubs, the Omaha Funny Bone. I'm going to be there May 15th and 16th for four shows. I'm bringing Sag Daddy to God. We're having a hell of a time. And then if you live in the New Jersey area, I'm going to be there in June at the New Jersey Performing Art Center on June 5th. That's Friday June 5th, one show, and then the tour is over. DanSoda.com, all tickets are available right now. Please go get them and I'll see you on the road before I film this hour. I'm very proud of it. I think you'll like it. And then, then the new stuff, and then the new stuff. But thanks for watching the podcast. I hope you're doing good. You never know what someone has going on inside their own head. But you also sometimes don't take into account what you have going on inside your own head. But it's show business and what people have going on inside their own head is like, oh, your nightmare. You're my living hell. If they did an updated version of that Mel Gibson movie, what women wanted, what women want, but it's just in the entertainment industry, it would be a horror film. That, and I've always wanted to remake Falling Down. Yeah, with Michael Douglas. I mean, it's a pretty funny movie. It is very cool. If you kind of take out the end where he's just trying to see his daughter or whatever. Yes. The rest of it, you're kind of like, yeah, get him. The McDonald's scene. Yeah. Oh, we think no, that's all of us. You cut that out. That though. That's all of us. Have you ever seen someone's bit and you can pinpoint the start of where that bit began where you went? Like, I bet that happened to you. And then you got all the rest of this bit. Yes. Falling down that McDonald's scene. I went, that probably happened to you and then you wrote this whole entire movie. You know what? I got a couple other grievances. A couple other things. Who could string this together? Doing an alimony payment. I was having a rough day. I miss breakfast at McDonald's. You know, I can get 90. I'm a vet. 90 pages out of this. Yeah. Like that movie specifically, you see that McDonald's scene and you're like, that had to be the Inspirado. Well, I've always thought like, you could redo it as a comedy. If it's just a day of frustrations, of trafficking. I'm like, it's real funny in its own right, except now the whole, and I want to get a gun and shoot up places. People do that. Oh God, that not let a white boy get some motion. Yeah. When you want an Egg McMuffin at 11, you could argue that every Ben Stiller movie is falling down, but funny. Like every character. What's the one where he like makes friends with Adam Driver, like they're the hipsters? Oh, yeah. That was young. Yeah. And it is a little bit like, oh, yeah. Look, I'm like, there was a little bit element there. But there is like Meet the Falkers and stuff. Just everything. He's like disrespected falling down with Ben Stiller. Honestly, it works. I think you could do it. I think it's a seamless where you put him in the same position and you go, it's just funny. Yeah, yeah. Just turn it up a little. You just have to lose the weird flat top. Lose the Michael Douglas emo glasses flat top. That's what makes it. Well, let's still get flustered. You know, you know what he does. You let him do what he does. Why him up? Yeah. Let's make it be funny. Ben, we just need classic you right now. You already know the scene. And Ben, that's only directed. And you do the thing you do. Yeah, because that is one of those movies where the older you get and the more frustrated by smaller stuff you get falling down becomes less and less of a drama and more of a distance. Somebody had the bit. It was about what was the. El Gran Torino. Well, like Gran Torino, that's my grandfather, except he thinks that movie is real funny. I can forget who's better. And it can get a laugh out of everybody. Yeah. Yeah. I laughed at some of the wrong parts. Yeah, Gran, I mean, that movie. What's crazy about Clint Eastwood is you would think at that age that he acted and directed it that would have been his last movie. He just stays alive like the sister in pet cemetery. How is he just so gross and weird? There was some sort of like you could tell he had like is the thin and the pants were just buckled hanging under the last rib sticking out. That's the only way they're staying up. Yeah, it is. He's his own action. He's like, I don't know. Does it have the cone? The old time he bullhorn. How am I supposed to talk to the actors if they can't. I mean, where's the crank on this camera? No. People, the Obama empty chair thing was so funny in height. I mean, and when you watch it, it's just so it's such a bomb. Go back and watch it now. Now that everything's on fire, go back and watch that. Because you go back and you watch that and you go, oh man, this was so much better entertainment. Pop pop. Going a little nutty. Yeah. I'll tell you Obama. It's the one when the grandkids are like, no, let them run away. Yeah, dude. But they're holding it in. Yeah, sad. No, it's sad. You can choose to be sad. Oh, we are. I don't know. Judy won't shut up. She's crying. You can't let him do this. And you're going, he thinks he's there. Yeah. Or if you put an earpiece in him, like fucked with him. And then just someone did an Obama where they're like, fuck you. And he's like, I didn't say that. Actually, I think just that night, you're a pussy and those spaghetti westerns. He's like, all right. First full of dollars, more like a fist full of shit. I'll get you Obama. Room mama. Now, okay. Yeah, just a Bluetooth speaker in his bedroom. That's what it is. That's what it is. We're not taking advantage of pranking the elderly as much as we should be. They're on the edge. Okay. They're living too little. They're living too long. We need a long sip of my water. We should be pulling the wool over these oldies eyes. Why are we just selling them gold? We could be selling them everything. Dreams and hopes. They fall for tons of shit. You leave going. I didn't know Soder was a rub my hands kind of gather and a plan kind of guy. Oh, Kyle, we could take all of them. Funny. If you had your will in place when it was supposed to be in place, you wouldn't have to worry about people like us coming through. Maybe feel for it. Maybe if you didn't go to that. Maybe if you went to that notary. Yeah. Yeah. Remember how your grandkids were like, get your paperwork in order, but you didn't. That's what we're doing now. My grandmother hit an age where it became like she was refusing to take. I got her in home care, so like a nurse would come by. She was like 94, 95, and this is happening. Yeah. She wanted to live alone. I talked to a doctor who said that's really good for their mental health. If they can live in their own house because they know where everything is. And they're kind of like in groups. Yeah. Going to the kitchen. They know how to make coffee and shit because she got COVID and I was like, is this one I should put her in a home? Oh, okay. And he was like, no, no, no. Keep her in there. But get her in home care or whatever. And then I started noticing like, dude, my grandma has zero idea what's going on in the world around. She was just like absolutely locked in in a way, but she wouldn't sign over power of attorney. So like, she treated me like I was a 10 year old boy. Did she know what that meant? Yeah. She was still with it. And I was like, hey, power of attorney kind of if something medically happens to you, I can come in right now. I don't have any kind of Bluetooth speakers under your bed. That's what I want to do. That's what this paper was saying. The point was for us. And hopefully you'll hold it back. No, but it became a point where she, this is, this was hilarious to me because she like wouldn't go with me on it. I'd visit her and be like, hey, I need you to get these power of attorney things. And then I could, and she'd be like, why? And I'd be like, well, okay, something happened. And she'd be like, why? And she always was like, no. And then she met. That's kind of funny. And then she met my fiance and trusted her way more. And she was like, I'll sign them, but Katie has to be there. And I'm like, you don't think I could just pick up some trumpet. So I work. You dumbass. Well, I should have ripped you off. Because she eventually signed them and went into the notebook all the time. She was like, I don't need to do it if Katie's there. I want to witness with the witness. And then I'd be like, no wonder our family has so many fucking issues. My grandmother wouldn't even be like, no, just in case if I have to pull the plug. Which I did. No. She was mid 90s and I guess my dad went over there one day. She was just sitting on the top of the stairs. Was like sat down. Was like done. And that's how she died. No way. Was, yeah, in her own house. Shut down at the top of the stairs. Just sat down at the top of the stairs. I was like, I'm out. Like that is kind of the greatest hardcore. That's the way you want to go. Yeah. Got my first playboys from my grandmother. Me and my cousin. Me and my cousin were doing yard. Which is one of those things. Like we just throw cherry tomatoes at each other. And then she gave us 50 bucks. But then we come neatly with twine organized stacks of playboys from decades. My grandfather passed it at this point. Well, your grandfather's dead. I don't, I don't know what to do with this. And I was like 15. Perfect. I mean, you know, running on it. I was late to the game of getting my own stash at 15 years old. Yeah. I'm trying to think how. You know, the woodland, the classic woodland pornography existed. But this was for me. And me and my cousin, like, she's still with it. Like there's, she's not cuckoo like this. And we had so many. Like, we're just putting them in the trunk. Like, are you calling our parents? - You think it's a setup. You hit her chest to make sure she doesn't have a wire on it. - Yeah, like, what do you have, Fed? - What do you think? - Yeah, sure, so I got this chronic blunt. You want to smoke the, you want to smoke the stickiest of it? - I mixed my pills again. You just sort them out for me. - Take a handful. - Feel what it was like in the 30s. - We had so many bundles that we tried to trade them at like this dirt bag go cart track. We can't, we can just walk into our homes with this. We have parents that are home. - Yeah. - So we're trying to give, I remember it's called Silvestre, Silvestre's race carts. Melrose parking on the way. Just an empty lot with spare tires and a guy with like two go carts. Some old Polock with like a spider web tattoo across his chest. - But this is, this always goes to my, the rule that we need, our golden rule needs to come back of. If you own it, you need to work there. Because now, I don't need to go to some super clean indoor track owned by a financial private firm. - Yeah, it's a private equity. - It's just that the dad's smacking their kids 'cause this is the path to NASCAR now is, is go-carding. I saw that first, not the smacking part. But like, you, you need to shave seconds off this lap. I'm like, we're next to Topgolf. Most of us are drunk, calm down. - Yeah. - I don't think your kid's gonna be the Daytona 500 in five years. - This was dirt track, your shoelaces wrapping around the front wheel. I'll just gov'n her off on the lawnmower engine and this guy going, looking at my cousin's trunk full of playboys like, have these already. - That's right. - But with so, he's like, you go high on your way. - He just let us do laps all day. - Hey, he's singing here I've come to. - Yeah, yeah. I know these ladies. (laughing) - But old porn was cumbersome because you had to hide. You couldn't just like have a bookcase of porn in your room when you're 15. - Well, okay, so I know, you know, you like divorce parents stuff. Did you have privacy in your life enough to stash? - No. My one. - I did not. - So my stash, my mom, I was raised by a single mom, but I'm an only child. I didn't realize that's a different relationship until my fiance saw it enough that she's like, you're one to one in a weird way. It's like roommates. - You're involved with each other. - Yeah, but there's a privacy of like, that I don't think, if there's a privacy you get, single mom only child, that you don't get if you have siblings with a single mom. - Oh, okay. - Because the single mom's like, I'm trying to take care all these kids, I gotta be in all these rooms. My mom was kinda like, so one time I had a bunch of playboys, maybe like a penthouse or something, a couple magazines. Top of my closet under this thing that you had to move, right? Well, she was trying to find something to my closet, clearly moved it, found the magazines, took them, didn't say anything. - That fucking move. - I prefer that, 'cause I went and I reached. - So you know she knows. - I reached. - She knows you know, we're not mentioning it ever again. - That's what it is. It's a tourist, you know what it is? It's the demilitarized zone between being a mom and a son where you go. - I won't cross here and you won't cross here. - I was a goblin. I was like, they, my cousin went, so we had the one, my cousin tried to bring him into the house like under a sweatshirt. Just walked in like he was holding a sweatshirt. - He said that we always. - Like it was like a, like a trail of sun. When he walked in, I was like, oh Kyle, here's your sweatshirt. I'll bring it in your room for you. - Till it get legal. - It seriously walks in. I was like, what was in the jacket. I'm like, because I can't lie. So I'm like, these, I knew she had just, for some reason just stashed him under the bed in her room. - Oh, she was going to go get him out. But I'm like, why can't you just take him? So I went and I'm like, I tore out all the pictures. That's great. Like I have to look back, not being a parent myself, but look at what my behavior was as a kid and just if I was a parent being like, Jesus Christ. - Can I tell you something? You just said that made me feel a lot better. (laughing) I didn't want to admit this though, but in my stash, a lot of torn out pages. There were just torn out pages stacked in between magazines. I was a torn out page guy. If I was somewhere and I saw a torn out bag. And I go, that's gone out with me. Oh, girls are the Pac-12. - Oh, fold, fold. - My hair's on a state. You're coming with me. I think I had torn out pages all over the place. - Yeah, I'm not interested in this interview with Walter Cronkite. - Oh, Berkeley. - Run over his back at it. - Yeah, I don't even understand. - I mean, smoking the ban was badass, but I'm not gonna read about it. - Yeah, so I had that, then I had, you know. - So she would take 'em, go put 'em in her room under the bed. - She stashed that one grip of 'em or stashed. I had all the pictures torn out. But then, you know, okay, you go to tower records, you're getting your own. There was a drop ceiling in the basement. Like real flimsy, like press board stuff. I just had it all up there. But then I just came home one day, my mom's like, so mess in the basement. I think it's yours. Go clean it up. So in the laundry room, just that it gave way and just showered my mother in pornography. (laughing) What was she doing? She was just like, nothing, it just the ceiling, just, it was like crappy press board. - The weight of your horningness. - It was, I had it. (laughing) I was bolster in the foundation with what I had up there. It's like when they opened those radio towers and it's just a squirrel's been put in, and Corn's in there for the last 20 years. (laughing) Yeah, how's that? - There is an energy first offered, 'cause they're coming into the house like a shitty assassin with a gun under a thing. Like he's trying to kill a president. - Hold a sweatshirt with two hands. - Yeah, yes. - Like this? (laughing) - But the energy of like hiding porn and being creative in it is something that kids that just look at internet porn will never understand of like taking something and finding something in your house or you go, yes. I had these drawers on like a shitty cardboard bookcase that was just, that when I was a kid, where all my books would go, you know? And then when my mom sold a bunch of them in the garage sale, they were all empty. That's when I had a fake ID and I started buying VHS porn. So I just had VHS porn in there and she never looked and I had a good set. - The head faced up like. - It was in the closet against the wall. - Oh okay. - And there was like sneakers and stuff in front of it. So really it was just like knock 'em away and then pull it out to get like splat on my rack too. - Oh God. - The original mixed tapes. - Wait, oh, first up like I want to address the like, I know it's like a comedic moot point to be like, and we had to find porn in the wood, but still as far as you can't take away a formidable experience of a young man like, not as a bit, but as that's how you went about. - There's generations. - Learning about yourself. I remember one buddy, his dad had stuff, but then there was like the booby traps of like a string in front of the drawer. So they're like the cabs if you opened it and they close the street. He's like, we gotta put this here. And then this has to go back and there was a thrill to it. And the VHS tapes, that was. VHS tapes were, I remember one time one caught in the VCR. Hey, if you're trying to learn a new language, you're probably like me and you're like, well, that train has passed, but maybe it has it. 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If they use the code cash app 10 in their profile it sign up and send five dollars to a friend within 14 days Terms apply cash app is a financial service platform not a bank banking services provided by cash-ups banking partners Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank member FDIC cash app green overdraft coverage borrow cash back offers and Promotions provided by cash app a block-incorporated brand visit cash.app slash legal slash podcast for full disclosure Was VHS tips were I remember one time one caught in the VCR and I was trying to pull it out And then I heard the house fire does go wrong. Yeah. No, we just got to bring the house down I went like this. I went well guess what class A students you're no longer a part of it And I just I pulled it out where you could see the the thing was grabbing the film and I went And I just pulled it And then ran up ran upstairs was like fucking you're dead to me. You but you really it's shooting your friend when the zombies are coming Oh, I'll never get the jerk off of this again, but just open the garage It's the two L kind Climbers where the one guy was dangling on the rope like to save me. I have to you have to die That's what it is. I just had to cut it and cut my losses and run. I had I just think the the basis of that in a man's life of Finding the excitement of finding ways to get it private Truly makes you more romantic. I think is it as as you grow older because you go. Oh, it's it's special Yes, or the writ of the true risk. I Yeah, so you did you get like I've you I've you had the bit about like trying to print something out Yeah, so you you had like the home computer thing. I had the home computer thing That was that was when I stopped fucking with computers on porn was that moment because what happened is You know, obviously I did it as a bit, but she just came downstairs and was like what the fuck is this and you're like I don't even know But then she hit me with the she used to do my laundry and I used to just I don't even want to think I know and I see just Come in my old boxers. I would just cap it when I was when I was like I'd just be in bed turn my toes in the coke model thing This is a mess Mentos in the diet code bomb. This is exactly what it was and my mom just you know single mom only child that roommate relationship she goes Do you know that comes smells? Oh I was like god damn it. I could never drink all of it. So that's when I went to Kleenex's I'm getting my place. My mom you're 14 I know but I think this is best for both of us me out. I wanted to force you This is just to save I want you to emancipate me. I need to go trick off Our home computer was at the bottom of the stairs in the basement Okay, and I was like down the stairs down the stairs and I was that all never I Don't know if I want to think about it that much right now. It wasn't the corner before Now it's right, but never underestimate the horniness of a young man and the risk like now this is going into criminal territory where you got guys that beat off in the park and everything yeah happy Said didn't get but as far as just in the home in the home going like this computer's a new thing and everything I want to see is just it's right there and all you need all you need is a clear window of privacy or Some courage. Yeah, oh man. I went for it and it was I Mean I purely have just suburban white like so sure the The exotic the variety and it was I remember specifically it was like Thick black ladies and it was you know, I'm of an era where I was like oh these like the rail thin supermodels sure I was just Now I could see the things that I Look at it look at what actual butt looks like oh good god Yeah, just the door at the top of the stairs opens. It's just my mom like like you at corner pees or something and my choices were You know stay there Don't move cover but trying to click off everything on a Computer with like just nothing but windows that are open. Yeah, yeah, or is that a rolling office chair? Just push off out of sight That's got a genius. I pushed off out of sight. You're still you see exactly what's on the computer But plausible deniability you didn't see me in the area with the computer. Sorry mom. I think we got a horny ghost. Yeah, what were you look? Were you looking at this? I think dad is looking at that was you see black gases. Why are you still sitting in the chair? I was doing a thing Just a but to hear it that scoop you hear the rolling across linoleum What I'm sorry, mom did you watch is this I'm sorry. What did you do to choose go Kyle and then leave it was a very much Midwestern just Well, then I'll be ready in 20 We're gonna we're gonna focus on our daughter Make sure that one My big thing because our computer sucked and you know, we had like the dial up as did you but it was it was so difficult to watch Videos were like not even a thought. It was most of pictures, but I Got I remember a tape of like three B Movies like titty movies. Yeah, Shannon tweed movies. Oh, yeah, remember Shannon tweed. Yeah, USA up late. I mean USF USA up on that up on that up on that yeah, okay Yeah, but it was usually on cinematics. Those are the cinematics movies. Yeah, these cinematics movies were like Shannon tweed movies Where she was a detective and all of a sudden there was a handsome man that might be connected to the murder a manual series Yes, it's like red shoe diaries. Oh, remember though a man decovny no one no one remembers David DeCovny Puddling's the paddling smart. No, no. He was just in the first he was just reading the diary. There's I know he was He go can she love people he's like on a beach with a dog. Yeah, and it'd be like I fucked my mechanic He's the guy in the park and here we go And here's what you wanted to see. Yeah, there's an episode with Kato Kaelin Where Kato Kaelin's like the guy that bangs her like a red shoe diary, but pre pre murder pre 94 Oh, Jay had he had a little work Kato's working K. Oh, he's getting some gay wise in the guest house One of these red shoe diary episodes. They got you couldn't be a total slob and get the guest house Well, maybe if Oh Jay didn't kill he'd be he would have been molder. Oh, okay. This is what they're gonna know They're Fox. Yeah. Oh Jay. This is really gonna screw up my career. Yeah. Oh Jay. I was up for X-Files now the narrator got it Do you remember I was talking about there's somebody else and it I know and I called Fox molder, which I know I got to remember it David DeCovny played Fox. Yeah, I know, but I'm gonna screw up like according to the true fans But do you remember a series and not to dump and come and deer this episode make it all about no more middle-aged men talking about porn? This is why people listen to this. All right, well the people in the office dive deep There's people in the office right now that are going. I want to I want to talk about 90s porn with Calcutta in the episode Hey, yeah, there's a couple reddits. I'm like, yeah, let's fall down this one. Fine. Why not? Let's see. Let's see what before before they really figured out surgery Oh really. Oh, just like well, I don't even know what I'm looking at right now. Yeah God, but it looked at it more of like a stunt thing like look at what you did with your body But isn't that what you felt like the first time you saw actual porn not cinematics. I Shit, like oh, I remember the very That real rascal of a kid in junior high Cohen it was one of those Like oh you live in an apartment. I don't know kids. I mean we didn't have money, but I like oh you just live with your dad The middle class was doing so well in the 80s that if you lived in an apartment kids were going what happened? It was one of those like okay, you're getting you're getting your life back to get I'm talking about if you're in like a Midwest or the Colorado like we would go to this kid Yeah, this kid that lived in a town. There was a townhouse complex right across the street from a place I remember going into his house one time these new kids moved in and we were like yeah, these new kids are so cool They're dangerous and they'll ride their bikes so fast and they smoke cigarettes like we do and then we went into the kid's house When the kid's dad was a clan member he had like his shirt off and he had a huge Confederate flag on his back and I remember being like Well, I'm not coming over here with Johnny Who's my friend? I hold me at the time. I was uh 11. I was maybe 12 and you knew what that stuff was then I saw that no 12 you you know, okay, I was like You're at Denver where I was in Aurora so southeast Denver you got plugged into that But you just I saw that shit cuz of where my dad lived my dad lived in Lake County That's just three hours north of San Francisco. Very rural. Oh, California Cities is yeah, it's tough. I remember going to the Lancaster for a gig when I was in LA and people just had swastikas spray paint I don't know the car like nothing to be afraid of for them out there There's a lot of great people in Lake County But people know what I'm talking about if they lived out that there is a racist enclave where you go and my dad was like in trailer parks getting drunk With like anybody one how far from like Humboldt was it. Oh, no, it was like it was east of you Kaya about 45 minutes East you okay off the 101 so but it's like beautiful But the people there are terrifying some good people there's a lot of great people there. There's a lot of very That's right every area. Yeah, but when you're plummeting into the depths of alcoholism in your 40s, you're not hanging with the best and the brightest. And when you're a little boy's visiting you, you're exposing them to people that are, in my own experience, quite terrifying. - I think I visited that apartment. - That's where I first saw porn. - That's exactly. - That's exactly where I was one of those like, oh, this is one of those apartments we have to walk downstairs to get into. - Yeah. - You know what? - Your windows are so high on the wall. - Yours is the gas, the gas that I felt in those situations where was they were all drinking, we went to the lake, like these like, swimming spot or whatever. And my dad and his girlfriend and her fucking white trash family were just drinking. Fuck, shout out to Bonfire fans. They remember fat Titt Neal was my dad's girlfriend's son. He had giant nipples and tits and he was so mean to me 'cause he liked my dad. He was 14 and I was 12. - Okay. - So he was mad when he found out that my dad had an actual son. And I was just like a nice kid and I was living in a good suburb, you know, I was living in like a suburb of Colorado. So to him, I might as well have been Richie Rich. And I came and he was like this fucking pussy. Fat Titt Neal straight up holding me, but we were out all day with them. And the gayest I ever felt hanging out there or like the priciest I ever felt was they, my mom would feed me dinner every night between six and seven p.m. I had regular meals. I had a good life with my mom. - You cared for her. - Here, if you were loved. - My mom loved me. - My dad, they were like blackout drunk and it was like 11, 15 and I remember being like, "Can we have dinner?" And everyone was like, "Oh, who's the prist?" And I was like, "I need you." And I was like really getting like, "I was getting like bitchie." I was getting raised by a single mom bitchie. And I was like, "Get a load of this guy in his basic knees." That's exactly. - But you know what's funny is no one is there to tell me like, "Yo, you were right." So I just spent years being like, "I'm fucking, I don't know, I'm a prist." - I mean, how are you supposed to gauge? I can only imagine, especially if that's your dad too. Like, "Oh, that's not part of your family." It's not like, "Well, this is how my friends' family lives and I won't be around." - Yes. - This is my dad. - This is my dad who I don't talk to a lot. So it was like, I would see him once every two years. So you're also going like, "I want you to like me." But I'm very hungry right now. I'm also a 12 year old boy. - So you're off for not getting enough freedoms by the pool? - That's exactly what it was. That's exactly what it was, man. - Where he went like, - It's trying to think of the shittiest white trash corn chip. It's regular, it's plain freedom. - And I will say to this day. - They're waiting scoops when there's nothing to scoop. - Ask anybody, they're okay. First off, that's a little too high flute for my taste. I like to single skinny freedoms. 'Cause you can snap 'em off. And you also can make 'em into a sloppy joke, pretty, or a pile of freedoms with meat, with like, man, meat, which on top. All right. - It's really correct. - You want to correct a few things that you said right in there. Meatwitch. - You know the kind of meat. - It's manwitch. - Manwitch. - Which isn't better than what you said. - But manwitch sounded too hand-wicked. - It might talk about it. - There's no way it's manwitch. - No, I think we grew up in the same kind of level in income, that's why I was like, it's manwitch. - Manwitch, you know what's funny though? - They might call it meatwitch. - Manwitch, that's a type of porn we were talking about. - Well, manwitch sounds like you're kind of porn. - Manwitch sounds like a gay threesome. - It's a burly gal, meatwitch. - But then I remember, like, doing the passive aggressive thing of being like, hey, so, oh, like, look at their cupboard, and then finally my dad was like, do you want that? And then they made me the saltiest hamburger helper. And what made me mad is my dad could cook. So that was like a shitty meal, but he was just black out. And he was like, yeah, salt, meat, noodles. There you go, you little fucking queer. - This didn't help anybody. This didn't help the hamburger, it didn't help me. - And then I had to lay on that couch, that itchy-ass couch and sleep there that night. And just my dad, he was like banging some white trash lady. So he did the thing where it was clearly after they fucked. He was walking to the bathroom and his underwear and he was like, you doing all right, buddy? Like out in the living room and you're like, I'm fine. You just were, you inconvenienced his. - Yeah, that was it. But that's what I mean, like, you like- - I mean, you've dealt with this, so I'm not going to- - When you go to an apartment. - It's sad on your behalf right now, but yeah, that sucks. That sucks. - Oh, it's just shocked. But that's what I'm saying, like, that was always to me when I'd go to a kid in a tough apartment's life. It would always in my head go like, this is what living with dad would be like. - And not to generalize is like, if it was with the mom, I'm like, she's trying to get it back together. She's working two jobs and we're gonna be in this, we're keep, it was with the dad, I'm like, oh, there's no, there's no role model here. - Oh, you go. - That's why this kid. - You're gonna be raised by a wolf. - I was the only friends with this kid 'cause his last name started with a case, or just like in junior high, like, oh, okay, you're the guy who sits behind me. So I guess we're friends. I saw him at the Addison State Fair, where they're like a community fair with the booth, and he's like, nah, come on, we're gonna go to my place. I live across the living departments by the junior high. We're in junior high, I'm like, all right. Cause Michael Jordan's greatest hits, he put it in, it just mid, but fuck porn, just, and I did not know that's how sex even worked. - Wait, he didn't prep you at all? - Nope, he just, it's like, nah, watch his tape. Michael Jordan's greatest hits, and then just put it in. - Was he like, what, was he like doing the thing where he was watching it being like? - I don't, I, at that moment, I had never seen penetration. - Did it, did it, did it, did it, did it help? - Even in the magazines, it was still kind of like, yeah. - She's over there, and there's a guy like yeah. - Yeah, or she's like squeezing her boobs together, yeah. - Or something that still wasn't, that I recall, and it was close, it was one of those, - They didn't want a close shot. - I didn't see the two people. - Yeah. - They were all about, dickin' vagina, dickin' vagina. What's, this is, this is Michael Jordan? - Yeah. - This is Michael, which one's Michael? - This is also in the Bull's Dynasty, so I'm like, wait, wait, I didn't, I mean, I didn't watch, I'm not a sports guy, but I don't, I don't remember this. It happened, and was this the third time they went? - What's the championship? - I'm guessing the one's getting fucked in the trail, please. - Yeah, I'm, yeah. - Is that the one? - I don't even know enough about the sport to know how to represent, but then he just put that on, and then he's like, yeah, I was like, who, I gave him a meetup with my other friends, 'cause this feels like it's dark in here, and I don't know, I don't even know you, and we're in a basement, but it's also your whole house, and I gotta feel like you're tripping. We can. - That feeling of like you're drowning in sad, but you can't show to other kids. Where there was a-- - Where I'm supposed to be enthused with, but this makes me feel like I don't wanna be around. Like, that's why I never understood porno theaters. - Yeah. - Like, let's all hang out and watch this movie together. - Well, that's also what a lot of-- - That's how you had to consume it back in the day. - That's what it was. Growing up, you would be around your friends, and they'd be like, oh, I've got, my friend had a black box on his TV. So he'd get the spice channel. And I remember something that in hindsight was very wrong, was we all watched the spice channel, and then we would make fun of each other for getting boners, where he'd be like, I bet he's got a boner. Meanwhile, I was tearing through denim. I just had my arms over it, being like, I watched the girls boobs bounce. I remember, because this is still soft-core porn. They don't show the penetration in spice. - So what they do is they need it. - No, I'll tell you, and this is how simple it was. This is why I think we need to outlaw online porn for kids, 'cause there was something about being 13 years old and watching their bodies collide and move in a way that I went, oh, I just feel like, it's always-- - Shit, it's happening. - It's doing something to me. - It's a real jazz, it's about the nudity, you know what I'm saying? That you got to fill the gaps up that have developed your sense of imagination. And hopefully, that grows into an appreciation for art and creativity, but right now you're like, I think what's happening where the screen cuts off is it's going in, and there's a sound. - And it looks like it feels phenomenal for everyone involved. But her boobs bouncing, it was a spoon. They were having like spoon sex. And I remember her boobs bouncing, that made me go like, oh, I gotta go home right now. - We were at the one kid's house, his parents were never around. I think it was an open like, he's in the bathroom. - That's great. - And nobody would like, yeah, no one's like, yeah, go ahead. No one talks shit like that one. - And it was the one, the first kid, like, what'd you do in there? Cranked it. - Yeah, like, oh, that's, we're just gonna be cool like that? - Yeah. - All right, I'm up. - That is, that, you know what's funny is, those kids, I feel like we should track them like Buffalo because they're gonna be the most successful in life 'cause they go, on myself and I just say what I do, like they go, I jerked off and I'm comfortable with it. - And then you go, we should be president. - Well, 'cause the rest of us are not. - Okay, I, we're not gonna be there for three years. - There's a part of me that would argue with like, do you think that, especially with standup and how much, like, I've done, you know, you get booked on, like, booked on, like, this is not happening. Like, it's a story that's crem, like, that's my whole, I've put everything out there. - That's why I- - But the idea of shame of like, we don't, nobody I know has shame. And that's a good thing about being like, I'm open about what they're beat off. - Yeah. - What am I, be secret about it? I know what I did, I'm telling you. But maybe a little, maybe a little bit of it? Maybe a little bit back? - You know, I wouldn't mind a little shame coming in, like, the, the horing that we're seeing in society of just like, I guess the example is celebrities with commercials where you go, I don't feel like it used, I mean, I did a joke about it, but it is true. It used to be like when you saw celebrity do a commercial, be like all they need. the money. They're hard up for work and they need to pay their bills. Now it just seems so like fans make excuses for celebrities doing commercials that you go, "No, we should shame them." You don't have enough money because a little shame goes a long way. I think you're right. We don't have shame, but I also think we did feel shame and we learned how to work through it by making fun of it. I had talked about this and I got blowback on a different podcast about hearing that like some celebrities will just do. A day's worth of work for a commercial get a million bucks and they can put that right into a charity or something. Like you want me for an afternoon, I can alley out this amount of money over here. It's like granted, they probably have that money already. I could just give it. But it's also the ones, if you don't hear them talk about that because it would be tacky. Sure. Then I, just for my own hope in the good of the world, I want that to be happening. I don't think it is. I don't think it is. No. But I hope it is a days where I don't want to be absolute doomsday arm again about the world. So I will choose to think about certain situations that way. But also. 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Well, it's so fractured. Everything, everybody can have access to some level of fame and make money off of it. I've split both ways. I can be a hypocrite because there's some days I'm like, "Get paid. How are you going to get paid?" Yeah. It's a shit show out there. Well, there's two people that came through comedy when there were gatekeepers and it was industry heavy. And you watched all that, drawing back on how I felt then to people now, go, "Fuck you, get your money. Go around these motherfuckers, fuck these people." But then there are days where I go, "Is anybody going to care about the quality of content?" I heard that people, the average people will, they'll watch 20 minutes of an hour special. Yeah. I'm like, "I spend all the time trying to make sure the end is the best part." And nobody, like somebody coming in just eating the fries, slapping a burger off the plate. I was just going to say, "Yeah, eat the stuff off the cake, but I don't like the cake." And you go, "Baking the cake the hardest part." Nothing. And nope, nope. I'm going to set up. I'm going to get six cameras so I can make sure I get 30-second clips because I'm not even concerned with making a special anymore. I'm concerned with making a commercial to sell tickets that come see me live. I still want to do that. I still like that part of comedy. And the live part is if you don't enjoy the live shows, or I tell them all the time, the second that you don't like doing live shows legitimately pack it up because there is outside of paying your rent, there is zero reason to do that. We don't have to get mired in comedy talks. It's easy to do, but- If we slip into it, we slip into it. I'm going to get tased. Oh, yeah. I'm going to get to every couple, and then the industry is about it. No. But I'm fascinated with dudes that you find out that some of these people that are open about it, like how much money they spend on a social media team. Yeah. And I'm not saying that if you have a good product and you spend a ton of money to get that product in front of people, and then they like it, especially- Especially as you escalate, as things escalate, as you get bigger. Yeah. But you could spend all the same amount of money. Some of these other comics are spending, and if the X sucks, you're not going to get back. But I'm like, "Where's the rest of your life?" Well, there it is. Do you wear- Okay, 'cause you do this show, I don't know how many- I do this in stand-up. You don't have any other- I do the regs twice a month with Bobby Kelly, Lewis, and Joe. Okay, that's a twice a month thing. Twice a month? Guys with four podcasts. Yeah, I mean, they got a camera crew that opens for them. Yeah. On the camera crew opening thing I've seen, we've seen that a lot. And I understand it. Listen, everything this is where stand-up leads into gun ownership. Where you're like, I understand- I love these things, but I have no idea- I love a sh*t again, dude. Strap. I love it. Going out into the woods of Oregon and shooting is one of my favorite things, the world chat out somewhere. I'll be doing that soon when I see you. You need a gun for protection sometimes. Sometimes you can be a gun enthusiast, but then sometimes that can bleed into you just being a full-on psychopath and having way too many assault rifles and guns that you don't need, and you're going like, "Hey, I think this is a bigger problem." And then you protecting yourself? Yeah, my concept of how the world works is warped now. Yeah. Is that- Because of these comics, I mean, whatever, don't have name names about it. And I don't think they're bad people, but I don't mean to out who- I know how many people spend on social media. But what about the part where you- Right, jokes? Or just live your life? Like, because I'm in a stage now where I'm like, and I'm not what I wouldn't even do that much. I just tour, and I'm trying to like, I just want to- But I think that- Go live my life. Like, I'm here in New York, like, so what sets you got, like, none? I did the bellhouse on Friday, I did Jersey City Saturday. I did the thing. You know what? Trying to cram myself into five spots a night while I'm here. I'm going to see my friends, but- As someone that lived like that for a very, very long time, it becomes a fear of- And I'm only speaking for myself in this. It was a fear of slowing down, thinking it would all get taken away. I'm fighting it right now. And- It's where my calendar stacked. I've got spots in town, but it's every weekend. But I'll tell you right now what I learned. And I think where I was fortunate enough to learn this during COVID, when the road did get taken away and all the stuff got taken away. And then when it came back, I had a different attitude of like, well, now I have a life. Now I have a fiancee and a dog, and I want to do stuff. And it became more effective for me to not be doing 90 things and just focus on two things. Now I don't think in the current age that's probably the most- the way you're going to make the most money and all that stuff, but I think you'll be sane enough to enjoy what you do. Yeah. I'm trying to get over worrying about am I going to level up. Like, I might not- I would tell you what the level I'm at- It's pretty good. One of the greatest comics in my mind of all time. Get the fuck out of here. I am so serious. Now, I might- Now, I might- You're on a level with Rory Skovl, with Nate, with Shane. You're one of these guys with Sean Patton, who's always one of those guys for me, where- Sorting out with him last night, yeah. I watch you do stand up and you're like, want to grab everybody else and go, that's what you fucking do. That's- the first bit I ever saw you do was the rehearsal show at Gotham for live at Gotham on Comedy Central, and you did your holdover on a bike bit- Oh, yeah. Has been a little bastard on that show. And you did, it was great, though. But I saw you that night at the rehearsal for live at Gotham, and then you did Cabinbar. You did Comedy as a second language at Cabinbar, and you're just one of those guys like Kurt Metzger. It used to be when I would watch him that I'd go, I want to quit. I don't think I'd come up with that. I don't know how he came up with that, that makes- it doesn't make me angry at you. It makes you hate, makes me hate myself. I love still seeing those guys. Yeah, and that's why I think there's a delicate balance of- I think what happens is people get success and then they shut the door. They like- they just close the door and they go, well, I gotta- I gotta only worry about how I'm gonna shoot into the other level, but I think the real success is staying grounded in seeing guys where you go, fuck, I want to go do stand up and find a bit like that. That's why Portland's great, 'cause I still go watch people doing their headlines, but like watch what the final product's supposed to do. Sure. That's what I love about New York City, is I can catch someone like Ethan Simmons Patterson or I can watch Peter Revello and I can watch him do 15 minutes and go, what the fuck am I doing? What the fuck am I doing on stage? And then you go and you go, well, I have two choices. I can start shutting all that off and going like, hang in the desk, go Howard Hughes, Kleenex Box on my feet, go crazy and kind of insulate myself. Or you just like, get better, just go do for fun jokes. Like just bomb or not, like stop being scared of bombing. I'll get us out of this comedy tale spin. By the way, there's people- this is what I always find out, 'cause I always- I'll hit the eject button first on the comedy talk, but then there's been a lot of fans who have been on the road recently that are like, hey, I know you're a stand-up comic. I'm fine with you talking about it. It's just when I started the podcast, it was like, stand-up comic and that shit sucks. But talking to you, I'm talking to a guy that I'm not- I love it so much, I don't want to ruin it, which is why I can't do five spots in a night night. I'm going to take all summer off to go live my life. And then when it's time to go back on the road, oh, here's all these things I was thinking about. And I think they're fun ideas. And I don't know if they're going to be good jokes yet, but you're going to watch me bomb a little bit, but it's because I got fun ideas. Well, not like, here's jokes that are jokes because I know how jokes work because all I do is go see people tell jokes every night. That's the thing also for you, where you bring all this stuff that happened to you. And then you like put together the puzzle of the bit and you go, that's, that's always fun. That's the best part. You found all the edge pieces and you go, it's going to be a picture, it's going to be a little picture. And then it doesn't happen for a week and you get frustrated and you're like, this is fucking the worst fucking comic ever. But I feel like I start driving for a lift. Yeah, but that should be the energy, comedy's popularity is going about to go away. It's mass appeal. I hope so. It just is. I hope so. I want this. This bubble has been stretched so thin for so long that I'm looking forward to the tourist falling away. Yeah, I was. It's filled with tourists. When we could talk about that, we had late night porno's where we was like RC cars. Like they were like a commando unit of big titty ladies. Yeah. If you want to bail out on the comedy thing. I'll always talk about that. You know, if you could say in those series of movies, they could sell me on anything. I was a teenage sex mutant. Do you remember that? And he had the thing that came out of his head and the women would get naked. Saw it. My friend Justin's how sleeping over. Can you look it up? I was once a teenage sex animal. Okay. If we're going late. Is this like late? Do you? Do you remember when they did like a Cinderella parody? But she had like a like a snapping pussy or something instead of the slipper. And so the prince had a tight pussy and they would like make a noise or something like even as a kid trying to be horny, I'm like, uh, it's really taking me out. This was first thought suspension of disbelief is destroyed right now. It was called Dr. Alien, a 1989 Dr. Alien. Dr. Alien. That was the, that was the piece. But I remember that lady, dude, I remember that lady Judy Landers shout out Judy Landers. Damn. She's probably a sex symbol named Judy Landers. Look at her and just have the blonde hair. We'll put the picture up of Dr. Alien. The alternative title, oh wait, the film was also released under titles. I was a teenage sex maniac and I was a teenage sex mutant. Just like Manwitch. I should, I know the answer, but I try to change it to make it right. I know, I got to go with my heart. The film's plot centers on an unpopular honors. Could read that in the TV guide that I was just like, oh no, Dr. Alien. They'll know. It's, it's not an 1130. You know what I had the little, it's a nudity and sexual content. Wait, it's got Judy Sanford. What's her name? Judy Landers. She's got Judy Landers in it. And she was Miss Zinobia, her sexy biology teacher. Oh, I thought there was like a country that's no longer from a beauty pageant. They got bombed in '96. That was part of, that was part of, that was part of Czechoslovakia. That was when, it was Bosnia, Herketsu, the Herkovina, and Zinophobia, a foul, Wesley, this is what I remember. Wesley becomes a chick magnet whenever a phallic stock emerges from his head. So it would be like a, like an alien dick or come out of his head. Wesley begins Zinophobia, man, so it doesn't do with the fact that she isn't from earth. But yeah, that was it. All right. Now I want to find Snap and Pussy Cinderella. It was one of those ones where like, so there was that series of movies where like they were like commandos in a jungle, but like the bikinis were camouflage, like, ah, yes, that's how you go undercover. Yeah. And then there were heels always. Yeah, they were like, but then there was also, it was one director and also they, he always used remote control cars or airplanes to get a bomb under the enemy's jeep or something. So I was like, well, like that. I love RC cars. Those boobs. Yes. And they're just going to blow stuff up and then they're going to take a shower. The mixing of. This got everything I want. That's why when people today go like, you're a pro wrestling fan, do you ever hear a glow? And you go, motherfucker, you think a little boy that got voters and love pro wrestling. It wasn't dialed into glow. I told you, I do body movement made me almost come in my pants. Of course, bitches were slamming into each other. So I was trying to like, I always thought like that MMA was the logical conclusion between a drag and wrestling or that wrestling was the logical conclusion between MMA and drag. It's violent. And it's pageantry. It's outfits its characters. No one wants to admit that loves professional wrestling. It's the gainess that is endearing. It's like the pageantry of it is endearing because you go like, the match is fun, the stunt fighting is fun, but it's everything around it. Yeah. It's a show. I don't know what happened. I look at my youth and people like, well, I was into wrestling a bunch or you were into sports. And I'm like, I wasn't into anything. And I'm like, what? What was I doing? Outside of just tearing out pictures of tits, like a shower. I'm like, if I had these other interests, maybe the voters, like a well-rounded kid that's kind of horny, but I'm like, I'm looking back like that's the only defining thing I got going on. It's not like what other interests. Did you skateboard? I was a skateboard BMX kid. But also, I just, I never was obsessive the way other kids, like you have the time to be obsessive about something and know all the names of all the Kutramar, like I'm going to get this, I'm going to get this on my cake for my birthday. It's going to be a WFK or something. Fuck yeah. And I didn't have. Had a couple of those. Yeah. I was just like, I don't know. I don't know what it was. 100% escapism. Yeah. It was wrestling was a way where I could just watch conflict be resolved in front of my face in a way that was satisfying that the world wasn't providing for you. This is giving me closure on some things. 100%. 100%. That's a good guy. And a bad guy. And most of the time, the good guys sometimes a bad guy went and that's how the life is at the Kyle. You're totally unfair. You're nailing it. And then I would, I obsessively got into sports because I liked sports. Yeah. But I also realized if I knew who everyone was and I could talk about sports facts when I'd visit my dad and he worked at a bowling alley bar. I could sit there and talk to the other men and they'd go, Hey, this kid isn't a queer. You know, I like your boy, Gary. And I'd be like 40 honors. You're fucking seven and one and Steve Young has 17 touchdowns and 200 sections. And they're like, this is a little fucking weirdo. Yeah. All right. It's more numbers than I was planning on talking about. But all right. But it would always be a thing of kind of like, it was rooted in people pleasing. And like, because I liked it, so something I could talk about. And you got acknowledged in a fucking way for it. Yeah. But like, I always wanted, I was, wish I was balls enough to be a skateboarder. I never, never. I never was. I was the guy that would sit there and shit talk. I mean, it was always about being a smart ass. That's right. That's right. There's the guy that's good. Yeah. Shout out, Chris and Mitch. They were the best out of my friends. Greg was the guy that never was, had the balls to try things and the rest of us drank forties and mocked, mocked at each other for not trying things. That was. And also like, yeah, like, all ages, me, like, once I could start going to see punk shows in Chicago, that is what I did every weekend. That's awesome. And so I did have the thing that I got obsessed about. But that was not. That was, by that point, I was from the adults around me even further. That was, yeah. Then they go, wow, this kid really doesn't want to talk to me. Yeah. Going to punk shows. They're like, well, green hair at Christmas. Is that for Christmas? Or just because you're like gay or something? All right. All right. It's fun. It's good. It's going to midnight mass. For me, I keep just going, like, I'm going to play video games. They go, I'm going to go play a little video games. It's like, so I don't want to talk to you. Yeah. I'm not picking up on this. I don't like you, Joe. Yeah. Mom's boyfriend. I want to go play WCW versus N.W.O. revenge. On 60. Yeah. Go play a little video games. Now don't bother me. I got this pile of scratch offs. I got to work through. Dude, that's exactly it. It really was like one of those things where you, as a kid, you just try to find. Now everyone's in their phone, so you don't have to go outside. But when you were a kid, you had to like, find a reason to go outside. Like, I'm going to go to the park and skateboard, but I would ride my BMX. I had a BMX bike. Yeah, it was always out. That was always out. Not athletic, but just still out. I feel like kids are still out. I feel like that's the thing that we do in our older age. We go, they don't do the thing. But I think they're still out. My friends that live in the burbs, I go out there and I see kids running around with bikes and shit. Yeah. Well, that's what I love. I did this whole, like, we didn't wear helmets, riding bikes. We weren't no pussy. So I'm like, you also didn't have X games on high-def, watching a guy do a double flip with a tail whip in the middle of it. And now you've got a seven-year-old going, I'm riding off the roof, like, let him wear the helmet. Yeah. Let him. If they're going to do crazy shit. Yeah. Also, they don't. And we did. We had kids with head injuries. Yeah. I remember one kid at my daycare, like after school program that had a head injury and had to wear a baseball helmet outside. And you're like, yeah, to make sense, you spilled his brain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because he wasn't no pussy. Yeah. But you know what? They also make helmets cool now. Yeah. I mean, I already, I still do mountain biking, so I'm going to go, I look like a dip shit every time I go out. But it's with a bunch of other middle-aged dudes that look like dipshits. Better have risk guards on the helmet, brother. You better have everything on knee pads, elbow pads, just a helmet, man. I'm pretty uh. - Fuck you, pretty rival. - Pretty extreme, dude. - Is there a guy in my phone, but why wasn't it? We're the risk guards. - Is there a guy in your middle-aged group that rides that is overprotected? - Oh, there's a, I mean, 'cause it's a dentist sport. - Yeah. - It's, there's a money dentry to like the bikes and everything. - Oh yeah, you gotta like buy a good bike. - And it's like, again, I don't know if you're planning on kids or anything. - No kids. - Okay, so. - Yeah. - That little bit of what should I book, yeah. I whatever you want. - I do that with my cousins and their kids or like my friends and their kids will be somewhere and my friends' kid will be like, I want that and they'll be like, you win on, I go. You really want that. It's mostly piss my friends off. And when they go, don't do that, I go. I want, just like. - Just raise 'em. - Yeah. - That's your job to tell 'em. - I go, you gotta tell 'em why he's feeling as wrong in this thing. - Yeah, yeah. - I just got to, I threatened my friends with Amazon drops. (laughing) I threatened them. - You could be home between three and seven? - Yeah, I go. - Some toys are coming. (laughing) And I say that to 'em, I go, you fuck around and piss me off. I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna silence you. I'm gonna send $300 worth of toys to your front door. - My uncle would do that, but he would just buy like, loud Christmas presents. - Yeah. - For my, like, like, hit sticks, which are drumsticks with a speaker that you could play at everything. - I had a hotlux guitar. - Yeah, my sister didn't want 'em, but he's like, he wanted 'em because he wanted my mom to be like, what the fuck is this? - It's the best thing about being the drums, but anywhere, God Jesus. - The childless couple that presents the problematic present, where you go, yeah, absolutely. I don't wanna deal with it. - Yeah. - I literally was telling one of my best friends, one of my oldest friends in the world, he has twins and a daughter. Three daughters total, but two of 'em are twins. I was like, when you guys get into music, let me, and they're little. - Yeah. - And they turn off my drums, they go, yeah, I don't know, I'll get you a whole kit. - Yeah. - I go, you play guitar. I'll get you a stack, I'll get you an amp stack to the sky. - Yeah, yeah. - Little bit like the beginning of back to the future. - Get your step ladder to turn it on. - Yes. - Wow, I'll get you a generator. - That's the basement I have now. - That's sick. - That's my basement. There's little flashes of, come on. Shouldn't I be doing something like, what else? What else was I supposed to be doing? - Yeah, hell yeah. And knowing, I think knowing. - And I live in a house. So now, nobody else has to hear only the first half of kickstart my heart, except for me, for about four hours, depending on how many beers I've had. - And depending on how many beers you have, sometimes it's gonna be locked in, sometimes it's gonna be real fun. - It's never locked in, just how it's through. It's just, can you hear the enthusiasm? - But that also is the thing of like, I understand, I get that in life, and my friends get to feel a little love that I'll never. - They're reward of putting a good person in the world and seeing them develop, like, I guess that's nice. - But I also tell them, hey, I got the war chest. So if you ever need anything, we can help you out. - Yeah, I've kind of been like, this is here for, - Yeah. That's what you're supposed to do. - If you community funds. - If you pick the aunt and uncle life, if you pick to be the aunt and uncle in the world, you have to also understand that you have the war chest. If they go, hey, my kid broke his arm, and we can't fucking afford this knee drop. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - I got it. - Yeah. - And then what's your tasteful way of doing that without being tacky? With my friends? - Yeah. - If they have a problem like that, which has happened. - Because you can ask, like, if you ever need help, just ask and you know what I want to ask. - I'll collect the facts. - Yeah. - And then I'll ask if I can help. And if they say no, and then we talk about it again, sometimes I'll get a little aggressive and go, hey, what's your email? I'm gonna put you in touch. And then I put them in touch with the adult that runs my finances. - Yeah, I got one of those. - And I go, can you help my friend out? And then they go, and then like, my friends will wait until we're face to face again. And they'll just like do like a hard shoulder grab and they'll go, thanks a lot. - Yeah. - Why don't you just fucking tell me first? - Let me show you what I would have bought with that money. So you don't feel bad about where to put it. (laughing) - Did you think you can buy a human-sized fruit by the foot? (laughing) Six foot form of fruit by the foot? - You know how I got a thing with even numbers and I only have seven mountain bikes right now? I would have just gotten another one. (laughing) - You know what? - Because our numbers creep me out. - It really is the thing where you're like, dude, please let me help you. 'Cause you're doing the hard thing of waking up and feeding the breakfast and telling them what numbers are and shit. - Get a back brace for your kids. (laughing) - Can't get one for the other one too. - Just in case. - Just in case. - Just fucking, sometimes my friends will like come out to see a show and I know that they're like tighter whenever they're like, let me get you a hotel room. You stay at the hotel with me, you hang out, you get a different room, and then you and your wife can have a fucking night in the hotel 'cause you don't get a thing. But you don't, and then they go, and now I gotta pay a sitter overnight and you go, all right, we'll fucking. (laughing) - I don't know, dude, I'm trying to do something. - Never mind, never mind at all. Don't worry about it, don't come to the show. - Yeah, I don't like you anymore, we're not friends. - 'Cause there's no war chest, I don't know what to do. - That was my bell for having a listening right now. - Yeah. - I thought I'm sending $700 with the toys, and it's just noise makers. Also, I want that fruit by the foot thing back, I know you didn't finish it. - There's no way, there's no existence, but years, engineering that. Kyle Kanane is one of the best working stand-up comics. Please go watch him live, you will see great comedy. That's just, even if he's working on new shit, you'll see great comedy. Watch Kyle Kanane, everything he has on you too. - I'm gonna follow up that promise. (laughing) - Just go watch good stuff, and Kyle Kanane's good stuff. That's a podcast. (laughing)