For the Love of Butts

conan o'brien needs a fan want to talk to conan visit teamcoco.com call conan okay let's get started hi sean welcome to conan o'brien needs a fan hello sean how are you i'm couldn't be better how are you guys doing we're doing very well sean um i'm going to cut right to the chase you've been kind enough to zoom into us it says here that you are from issaquah washington is that correct correct you said it perfectly yep yeah my my wife is from seattle so i'm in uh i i spend a lot of time in the state of washington i love it there beautiful it's beautiful yeah now let's let's get to the meat of this subject right here sir um it says here that you were a broadway producer and i always think of the cliche a guy with a cigar do you know what i mean someone you know prowling the streets looking for the next big broadway musical is that you to a t yeah like nathan lane matthew broderick yeah definitely just yeah yeah running schemes on old ladies yeah yeah are you always saying put music to that and you got something um exactly uh oh my god it says here well i see tony awards behind you unless those are fake how many tony awards do you have in a way so i we uh my husband and i paul he's gonna kill my friend it's paul danforth is my husband and we've started doing this a year and a half together we won one tony last year wait you've been doing this hold on hold on sir you've been doing this for a year and a half with your husband and you you have a tony already yeah so we're good we're we're gonna move on to something else next horse racing or i don't know yeah yeah you should you should look into a microscope one time and win a nobel prize in chemistry that's how it works right uh what did you win a tony award for what did you win a tony i think you saw it death of a salesman i did see it and lane and yeah it was fantastic it was incredible and laurie um laurie metcalf just her mind metcalf thank you yeah it was yeah you should learn the cast um thank you no i was i was blown away by that show it was spectacular uh and uh i mean nathan lane was amazing i think laurie metcalf single-handedly uh she like transformed that role i mean she gave it a whole different urgency it was amazing it was great congratulations thank you yeah it had been done so many times people were like do we need another one and there clearly we did it was pretty so this is actually i'm not a friend's office who's like one of the most prolific uh directors in broadway so he said i can show you as this is mine but it's so this is his but it's mine's at home and wait a minute i don't want to see someone else's tony it's fine you can't see no i don't want i don't know it's no no uh-uh uh-uh no oh no this one's mine this one's mine sorry yeah this one oh yay hi hi i'm easily fooled um yes wow that's spectacular so congratulations to you uh thank you this world fascinates me because i know absolutely nothing about it my wife very much into theater i like to go and see shows but i don't understand what it means to be a producer uh what are you working on now yeah we got some stuff coming over we've got paddington coming over from london you're gonna do a paddington show great right yeah it opens in uh april it's one of the biggest hits they've had in london in year like decades really it's it's sold it's sold out almost through half a decade it's sold out half the next year is it the one with the little animatronic kind of robotic paddington wow so it's a it's we have a little person in a in a suit and then the the head is mechanical and the person who's doing the voices on the side of the stage they control the mouth while they do excuse me i met the person who plays paddington in the paddington outfit and the person who does the voice and i'm trying to think of this is an insane thing to say i don't know where i was nathan lane no yeah you were good in america david hopping told me where was i good morning america yes that's right okay i was on good morning america and i was told there are some very special people that want to meet you out in the hallway and uh i was like wow this is incredible i go out in the hallway and there's paddington and this other person i got to meet them uh get my picture it was very neat i'm a huge paddington fan wouldn't it be cool if you played paddington and instead of like you know a smaller version it's like a six six foot four he just plays the marmalade yeah six foot four inch jar a six six foot four inch jar of marmalade and i come out and i go i'm way too sweet for most breakfast treats people prefer jam but i'm such a ham um you owe me a piece if you uh what other musicals are you working on well the one that i'm really excited we're gonna do the heated rivalry is that the one that's playing in la in la right now or is that no you're a terrible interview i am i shouldn't talk a lawyer should never say anything in court when they don't know the answer yeah i'm sorry no that's a terrible one i've heard it's it's don't this one's off broadway and we're also open in london today actually while we record this so um we're all over the place oh you really don't have you don't really mind the store do you oh he's gone oh that was dramatic yeah i like to add a little flair to the whole show um just you are a good producer this is gonna get fixed wait was that an intermission yeah i went i went and stood in a long line for the bathroom used it and came back and then sean reappeared uh we had a technical difficulty sean was gone momentarily but he's back now and you just dropped a massive bombshell the beat it the biggest heated rivalry uh fan in the world sits next to me son of a session and you you are i am pretty big yeah you came in i think before it was i think you were looking at me and i was like i'm gonna do this i'm looking at dailies when they were shooting it and you kept coming in and talking about butts yeah i was in a bush while they were shooting it just watching with binoculars in a bush okay take it easy sean oh no damn it sean get your head out of the gutter it's heated rivalry okay uh wait a minute sent your video of you talking about how much you loved it to everyone in the cast um and yeah you're very famous for your love of butts heated rivalry uh my legacy yeah sona on her tombstone known for her love of butt the only way to get sonar to watch like head of gabler or some you know some really some some really important work of theater is to have a lot of butts in it and then she's there salesman there were butts everywhere oh okay yeah yeah i saw that version um okay so a lot of questions here it says that you used to be a lawyer um yes i still technically can practice but i don't like conflict i realized and yet you're doing a show called heated rivalry yeah wow yeah yeah i like that it was a good ending which is in itself in a heated rivalry with another production of heated rivalry we don't talk about that other one okay yeah again i think you're taking us you two are terrible at this but i just wonder if we can quantify which one has more butts yeah oh our they have a giant butt that comes out of the floor and sings i'm just a butt i had a bigger part but it was cut um i'm just a butt yeah i'm just um so yeah i did i was a lawyer i didn't like it and then um i just got my mid-40s and i was like you know i want to have a change of career i lost both my parents during that time okay sorry about that and um yeah i had about 11 years sober it's kind of this moment of like what am i going to do with the rest of my life and so we decided to get into the arts and it's been the best decision we've made um now you uh you say that you encourage people to invest in shows is is that is that part of your job is to get people to invest is it something that you um i mean i've never invested here well i've never invested that's why i'm here actually yeah i've never invested in a in a show and i've always been curious about that part of it how does it work how would you get me to invest in say the heated rivalry uh musical unauthorized musical parody before we get hbo coming at us um yeah yes um so it's most producers raise money my husband and i we actually put all our own money in which just makes it a little bit more um i don't have the personality to go raise money from other people you know i'll be so worried about their money um more than i would my own if that makes sense i just don't have that personality to be like hey guys sorry the show because with broadway shows everything it's not like you know like in the stock market amazon's not gonna go to zero right so there'll still be some sort of um there'll be something left in broadway you can lose your entire investment it's pretty pretty common to too so the old saying is you can make a killing but you can't make a living oh so why are you doing it this way why don't you get other people to invest their money in it and do the best you can well i couldn't i couldn't just turn to people and just say sorry i lost all your money well you don't have to call them and tell them that you just don't return their calls ghost them oh yeah oh no one no one calls and says i'm sorry i lost you all your money you just by first of all they go to number they go to your they try to call you they don't get you they go to your office it's not your office anymore it's a laundromat they do the classic thing and they say i swear there was a bank of telephones here and there was a guy over there and the policeman goes you and you're off the hook you're in the you're in bermuda you know and once we've what we've liked so much about like heated these smaller shows is that we get to have a little more say. It's not just raising money. We actually get to be a little bit more in the creative development part of it and make decisions about where it's going to go and if it's going to tour and all that stuff. You get to choose the butts. Which we really enjoy doing. More butts, more butts. We get to do the audition, which is just great. I mean, we just have auditions for fun. Do you have butt calipers? I have a pair. When you're a beginner, I can just eyeball it now. But at the beginning, you have to use butt calipers. And then later on, your eyesight adjusts. 100%. I carry them on the subway in New York. You do? Yeah, it doesn't go over well. People are like, excuse me. And I went, do you want an accurate measurement or not? I've secretly harbored a dream all my life to have a part in a Broadway musical. I don't have to be the star, but just a part in a Broadway musical. Is there anything for me in Hated Rivalry? Yes, actually. We actually bring up an audience member to play Scott Hunter. Yes. And so you could do the Conan, your book. What does that mean? I don't know who Scott Hunter is. The vampire slayer? He plays for the New York team. And? He had a standalone episode in the series. But what's his vibe? He's like kind of a veteran hockey player. And he has a really big moment in episode five. This is good. I am. I am older than most hockey players currently in the NFL. So I could play a veteran. Yeah. The NFL. But he's gay. I'm sorry, the NHL. The NHL. Yeah, he's gay. Yes. Have you ever played hockey? No. Oh, okay. All right. Perfect. Have you ever acted in a Broadway musical? Never have. I've never played hockey. And I'm not gay. And I've never had any kind of experience playing, you know, in a Broadway musical. But I think for all those three reasons, I'm the perfect person to play this guy. It's his name. You said it's Chip Wallingford? I'm not good with names. Chip Wallingford. Yep. No, Scott Hunter. And then we had the song they sing is, he's the hottest, oldest guy I've ever seen. So that would work for you. At least the first part. When people tell me I'm hot, which doesn't happen often, they always have a qualifier. So people always say, now hear me out. Let me tell you why I find you attractive. And then there's a, a 40 minute explanation. And it sounds like those things they have to say in a prescription ad. Oh. They've been rattled off. May cause diarrhea. May cause diarrhea. May cause, yeah. Well, this is exciting. You've got an exciting life. This is, this guy is impressive. You and your husband, you dabbled in this, for lack of a better term, and you immediately got a tone. Do you live in Washington or New York? We live out in Washington. Does that make it difficult? But we're here so much. I think we're getting an apartment out here soon. It's a lot of traveling. Yeah. I noticed when I, when I was in New York, this is, I travel with my, my other assistant. I mean, Sona does some things now, but she's mostly out hawking her own book and being a superstar. Oh God. You know, occasionally you call me and say, like, yeah, I got a call six weeks ago that your, your dog is missing. I understand that was such resentment that I'm thriving. Okay. That's fine. David Hopping traveled with me to New York. I just there, and between David and just random people I would meet on the street, they would rattle off all the Broadway shows they're seeing. Cause I, I chat up everyone. They're, they're all TV shows, movies. I'll say like, what, what shows are you seeing? They say, well, we just came from, you know, a stranger things. We're going right now to see, um, and then again, TV show. Oh, Lost Boys. Oh, Lost Boys. Yes. Lost Boys is huge. Um, yeah, we're producers on that. Yeah. Oh, you're, oh, wow. Plug yourself much. Okay. Yeah. I got a whole bunch of them. No, but that's it right now. People said to me, we're going to go, and then we're going to wash it down with some serious, we're going to see as a new production of the, uh, the house, the real housewives of Atlanta is a, is a, is a very serious play. Now what's happened, you know? Yes. There's for every death of the salesman. Now there's 35 TV shows and movies, but it's what people want to see. You funny. You say that we actually have a show coming this spring with the housewives. So no, you don't wait. I was totally kidding. Are they the real housewives or are you having actors? Wow. Well, wait a minute. You're getting people who aren't even stage performers to, to be on stage. Those are a lot of them are former actor actresses. Yeah. They're all, a lot of them were like old soap actresses and stuff like Lisa. I mean, I can't say, but, uh, we haven't announced it yet. Lisa Rinna. I didn't say that. No one said Lisa Rinna here. He said Lisa Rih and then stopped himself and said, I can't say anything. And I've just exhausted my full knowledge of the housewives. Okay. So it's not, it's not just the New York housewives. It's like all the housewives. Yeah. Actually, but it'll be announced in about a week or so. Yeah. It'll be, I think you just announced it. They're from all, I did. I know. It's like summer camp when they come all around. All the different cities. Yeah. A convention of different cities. Hey, wait a minute. Let me pitch you something, Sean. Okay. What about a Conor O'Brien Needs a Friend musical starring Conor O'Brien, Son of Sessia, and Matt Gourley and the team and we come out, I can belt a tune, you know I can, and I've got moves like Jagger. This is, not that Jagger, different. His name's Wilford Jagger. You have jagged moves. Yeah. So, my point is, Yeah, how would you envision that? Yeah, what would the Conor O'Brien Needs a Friend musical look like? What's your producer hat on and let's hear it. I've thought about this. So, it's going to start with you guys getting ready for the podcast. I have. I'm prepared. What did you say it starts how? Like you guys are like getting ready to start the podcast, right? You guys are doing all your sticky stuff, you know, and like talking. Then it's going to pop back in time to how each one of you guys came into Conan's orbit. So, we'll get like the origin story of each one of you and then, and each one of the music will be associated with kind of how you see yourself. So, like, Sonos would be like probably early 2000s pop, like, you know, fun, Cher, Mats would be, I don't know, bluegrass or something. I don't know. This is a misconception of me. Sean, he was blowing on a jug in a band and he wasn't in the band. He brought his own jug. But yeah, I meet them and then I do that thing where I meet Adam Sachs and he says, I think you could do a podcast and I go, what's your name? And he goes, Sachs is the name and podcasting's the game. And I say, well, I'm Conan and then we shook hands on a street corner in New Jersey and then Adam said we should probably go draw up the newspapers, the papers, the contracts and I said, you don't need a contract. We just shook hands and then I looked out at an audience that wasn't there and said, that's a Jersey contract and the crowd went, that's a Jersey crazy that was in my head and that's an actual line from the foresees, what's it? Oh, Jersey Boys? From Jersey Boys that enraged me. Yeah. Because the entire crowd that was from Jersey all leapt to their feet cheering and I thought, fuck you. Everyone in Jersey sues each other and everyone needs a contract. You just, you're all cheering an idea that was just presented to you that you'd like to believe. Wait, so every story has to have the second act fall. Yep. What is that going to be? What happens? What's our, what's our crisis? I know what it is. What? I realize that you're a permanent hire. Oh my God. Oh yes. And there's like no, what are we going to do now? Or it could just be the fact that we realize we have to do this thing. Yeah. And how tragic that is. I want to hear what Sean wants. Before Sean speaks and he's an expert on this, I have to keep talking. Okay. Because it's what I do and I've had a lot of coffee and I just got off a flight. I think, tell me if I'm wrong, Sean, the second half is this thing blew up, which it did. It gets really big. Suddenly, we're doing live shows. Suddenly, Sona's writing books. Suddenly, Gorley is buying more expensive Tweed suits and more vintage ventriloquist dummies. And, and you know, it's getting crazy and I'm out there. I'm, my marriage is in trouble because I'm just, you know, just I'm out there with podcast fans all the time. I'm straying. Groupies. Groupies. I'm with podcast groupies and they're like, do that ad read again. And then I'm like, okay, one more time. Oh my God. Oh my God. Yeah. So, oh my God. Miller Lite. Yeah. Do the Miller Lite again. Hey. Bidet. Do the bidet. Do the bidet ad again, but take your pants off, you know. And so, that's the second act is, the first act ends with this thing, you know, launching. The second act is it takes off and then it gets crazy and there's all kinds of infighting and, you know, quarreling. And then the third act is we mourn what happened to Adam Sachs. What happened to him? Well, a crazed fan. Embezzling. He fled the country. Oh, no, Adam. But he thought he had fled the country, but instead he just went to a different part of the United States. He's so provincial. He went to Epcot. He went to a different part of New Jersey. He fled to Epcot and said, good luck getting me now. I'm in China. There was no extradition here. And they arrested him in Anaheim after he had taunted the police. Wait a minute. Are you writing this down, Sean? I have it all down. But we couldn't get the rights to Epcot from Disney, so it has to be a fake name. Trust me. I'm in Toy Story 5. Disney does what I say now. Yeah, and I used to work there. I got a lot of strings I can pull. Yeah. I can't sing, dance, or act. I'm guessing. You're perfect for modern Broadway. Shop's fired. Come on. Isn't that what kids say? Oh, come on, please. Shop's fired. We're going to see the Housewives of Atlanta musical, and I'm going to judge pretty harshly. If it comes out. It's going to be a play. Yeah. If it comes out. out. It's just going to turn into the vagina monologues. That's what's going to happen. i hate i hate what is it i hate monologue what is it i hate uh ventriloquist that's the old joke about the monologue vagina monologues what was it i hate ventriloquism god because you can yeah let's not go there yeah uh sean you're sean you're canceled um butts vaginas but nice hey we learned a lot here sean what do you think the second act is well i thought i mean i was gonna end the whole show having to be you saying welcome to cone o'brien needs a friend as your first episode i didn't know we were that that would be the first act then second act sona goes off like uh you know like the supremes kind of becomes her own celebrity and there's all that tension in the group kind of dream girls you know sean if you think for us if you thought the first uh if the entire play was all about us in pre-production you should not put your own money into these things i'm telling you i've got it right first act we make we we come together second act meteoric rise terrible fall what's that i say he has he has a tony that's all i just said in a year in a year okay sure yeah yeah okay we don't even know a guy named tony don't you i know a guy named tony and by the way all we know is that he is in an office with a bunch of other people's tonys right now that's true that's his claim to fame he lives in washington yeah yeah i bought an oscar in times square trying to break into the office right now and kick me out yeah uh that's it and then i just don't know what the third act is yet but we'll figure that out it can't end all the deaths no no it's not adam no no adam's gonna be adam's not gonna die but i do think that maybe sona loses her way and runs off and uh gorley and i have to find sona in the third act and like bring her back and did you find like where you found her didn't you find her wash the shore is that is that the lore of sona well sean if you're if you're referring to my now infamous rolling stone quote that i found sona because she was her she was being a you i think you were in a goat attack my father was in a goat attack a goat attack and you were a baby and he wrapped you into a basket that he made quickly and and uh and sailed you off the island of uh romania landlocked country okay yeah that's fine that's your fault yep and then uh floated all the way to california where i found her and taught her english by showing her game shows okay this is maybe our stupidest fan interaction but one of my favorites one of my favorites we have um it was funny as we have all the housewives coming to these serious shows but then uh that off-broadway a heated arrival it's written by a guy named dylan marcarell from from harvard and he's like oh my god i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die um oh yeah that's starring wow that's a he's an elite category they let anyone in there now we got uh troy awada who's from the daily show he's one of the correspondents from there and j arms ron johnson a big broadway star right so we've got like these these big people in the small off-broadway shows because we've got the housewives leading the broadway show i see what you're doing you're now what we've been having to you're now shoring up the credibility of this next scam uh i love it i think it's great who's playing us or are we we're he's talking about real housewives i first of all we play us we do yes okay and then we do podcasts during the day when we're cooling our heels and reading our boffo reviews what if the third act is actually recording an episode that then goes out oh yeah so each person each audience gets a different third act i was so rooting for you to have a bad idea and you had a great idea yeah can i do that can can we sing it in the rain me like have someone who actually has talent talk for me like we do here on the podcast let's bring her out selma thacker let's get selma thacker out here a verbal texas switch yeah yeah yeah okay yeah i'm just mouthing it and she's actually you know i think talented first of all that's a great idea and the more i talk about this the more i think this could be yeah our podcast given the way that that broadway has changed it could be a broadway musical it's innovative because it's it's broadway and podcasting and they're they're meeting and they're both happening right and um well again i i have to just well said i'm a song and dance man you know i am i can i can croon i can belt i've got the moves i have theater experience i've done many shakespeare shows this is gonna cook i can lip sync i can lip sync weren't you just mostly showing people to their seats yeah yeah i have we're gonna have ushers they have let me do it let me shine boss okay all right hey you know what you're in the show and you're great in the show because you are a very funny performer but you also show people to their seats that's another hook i'm i'm the producer of the podcast and i have to bring people in yeah you know yeah it's gonna work you're cutting costs yeah like this this is good and then adam comes out at the top of every show and you do and you just talk about how there's going to be dynamic ad insertion yeah and and and please during the dynamic ad insertion no one make any noise yeah okay is there going to be an eduardo and a blay yeah yeah they're in it okay no no uh blay is going to be played by someone in that um that giant marshmallow costume from ghostbusters the stay buffed marshal yeah he's gonna yeah he's gonna be in that costume and just running around in the background and every night he dies in a different way yeah it's like kenny on south park yeah okay this is i'm not kidding sean we're gonna have follow-up calls anyone listening right now don't get any ideas because we have to register this idea yeah and sean are you in yeah i'm gonna raise money for this for the first time okay you heard that um that's a jersey contract that's a jersey contract that's a uh that's a rural washington contract um all right shows a week though can you do eight shows a week i can do 50 shows a week you're talking to the original i mean i am a machine sona tell him i'm a machine he is a machine um yeah but i'm not i'm not thacker can do no no we'll get thacker back in sean this is really fun and i'm 70 serious about this musical i know you you're not there yet but you'll come around i'm excited yes stay in touch and if you guys are in new york i'd love to bring you to the musical i'm excited yes stay in touch the heated rivalry parody and have you up on stage to play scott hunter wow when a producer says stay in touch it means fuck you all right take care good luck with heated rivalry and the upcoming real housewives uh if it ever happens and i know it's not real and hasn't been announced yet cuckoo and lisa's not in it yes thank you conan o'brien needs a fan with conan o'brien sonam of sessian and matt gorley produced by me matt gorley executive produced by adam sacks jeff ross and nick leo incidental music by jimmy vivino take it away jimmy supervising producer aaron blaird associate talent producer jennifer samples associate producers sean doherty and lisa berm engineering by eduardo perez get three free months of serious xm when you sign up at serious xm.com slash conan please rate review and subscribe to conan o'brien needs a fan wherever fine podcasts are down you