Fiona Cauley: Two red heads do a podcast | Whiskey Ginger

- For decades, a shadowy organization called The Lemonati has kept lemon on top and lime in the shadows. Look around, lemon-forward sodas, even lemon-forward songs. We ran the tracks, slowed them down, reversed them, and squeezed out the truth. ♪ All hail the lemon ♪ - That's lemon propaganda right there. But now, 7UP is fighting back with their new lime-lemon soda. Join the 7Uprising, flip the sip. - Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to Wingmen, a wave original. - I'm Matthew Kachuk, and that is my little bro, Brady Kachuk. Every week, we are breaking down the biggest stories in hockey, the best moments from around the league, and all the stuff fans don't usually get to hear. - We've got playoff talk, locker room stories, big guests, chirps, chaos, and everything in between. - So if you like hockey, laughs, and hearing how players really see the game, you are in the right place. - Let's get into it. - Welcome back to Whiskey Ginger, a wave series. Hello, Whis-Ginge fans. We are jumping around the country a little bit. I'm adding a few dates as I go. I'm not officially touring this year, but tomorrow night, me and Bobby Lee are gonna be in Lincoln, California, which is right next door to Sacramento, doing a bad friend show at the Thunder Valley Casino. Then, next weekend, I'm gonna be at the Wynn Casino in Las Vegas. Viva Las Vegas, baby! Come out and see me at the Wynn Casino. Then, I'm at the Thunder Valley Casino. Then, I'm at the Lil' Rhody Fest in Providence, Rhode Island. Then, I'm at the Borgata in Atlantic City, New Jersey. Then, finally, bad friends are playing the YouTube Theater for Netflix's The Joke Fest here in Los Angeles. Go to andrewsantino.com for those tickets. That's andrewsantino.com. - In here, we pour whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk. - You're that creature in the ginger beard. - Sturdy and ginger. - Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. - Gingers are beautiful. - You won't be fooled. - You won't be fooled, you won't be fooled. - Sturdy and ginger. - You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. - Gingers are hell no. - This whiskey is excellent. - Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Tutor. My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean it once again today. It's Fiona Colle. Fiona! I have to say it like that. Whenever I see your name online, I think of Shrek immediately. - Yeah. - Yeah, I do. And you have red hair, so you're not helping the cause. - Yeah, and the worst part is I legally changed my name to Fiona at 18. - You did. - Yeah. - Your birth name was, let me guess. Hold on. But Colle is your last name. That is right. - Yeah. - Okay. Give me the letter of your first name. - L. - Loser. - So fucking close. - What? Laura? Lauren. - Yeah. - Lauren. - That was good. - Lauren Colle. What's wrong with Lauren Colle? Why Fiona? - It's so boring. - It's boring. Yeah. - I went by Fiona at nine, though. - Wait, how did this happen? You just kind of, you were like, "Really, Shrek?" - Well, no. No. Well, a little bit. Right? - Yeah. It's a great movie. - It changed my life. - Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah. - That's my Shrek out there. - That's your Shrek? - Yeah. - Yeah. That's your husband? - Yes. - Beautiful boy. - He's a beautiful boy. - Gorgeous baby angel. - He is a gorgeous little baby angel. So Fiona was half from your childhood influence and then half because you were like, "I just can't get. This name sucks." - Well, so I was nine. I didn't even know you could change your name. - Yeah. - And my parents got divorced when I was nine and it was. - Hey. - Yeah. - We love a good divorce. - Especially at nine when it really means something to you. - Yeah. - Yeah. Don't do it. For parents out there at home, please don't get a divorce before the kids know what's going on. - Yeah. - Let them be aware of it. Let it hurt. Let it shape their childhood and ruin a piece of them. - Let them feel like it is their fault. - Yes. Yeah. - It makes for a strong character. - My parents got divorced before I was one. So I have no. I don't know them together. I know I'm not as special as you. - Yeah. They obviously don't care about you the way mine. - No. -. cared about me. - Yeah. Yours care about you in a way they wanted to damage you and leave you with trauma and blame you and let you hold onto that until your adulthood. - Yeah. And that trauma was so heavy that I'm in a wheelchair. - Put you in a wheelchair. Yeah. That's awful. That's crazy. - Careful. Yeah. - So for those at home, divorce will put you in a wheelchair. I don't know if you know that, but this is a product of that. - Mm-hmm. - By the way, the internet is so gross now, I'm sure that somehow ChatGBT captures this and doesn't understand the facetiousness and then something will pop up and go, "Do you know?" Divorces have been tied to being led to people getting in wheelchairs. - I hope we have that effect on the internet. - I think we do. - I don't know. - I got to tell you, I think it's happening live. There's so much misinformation, let's keep spreading it. Any more fake rumors that you want to push out? - Not that come to the top of mind right now. - Well, do all that. You told me before we started rolling, she said, because people may know, and this will be out after this has already happened, but the final hostages from Gaza were released. - Mm. - And she goes, "I think they got to get a few more back and start it all over again." - Yes. Yeah. - That's what you said. - It's a balance. - How long have you been doing standup? - Five years. - Five years? - Yeah. - That's amazing. You're cruising. - Yeah. - That's awesome. - I'm on autopilot. - You really are. Let's do more wheelchair stuff. - Yeah. No, I got them. - Yeah? Okay. - Yeah. Don't worry, I'm turged up. I'm ready. - Yeah, you really popped a wheelie on the business. - Yeah. - I did notice when you were backing up, I did hear it do the backup sound. - Yeah, it's fucking rude. - I hate it. - What, can you not turn it off? - With this one, you actually can. I've had a lot you can't. Trying to leave funerals is really awkward. - Just beeping up really slowly. - Yeah, I'm like, "Ugh." Yeah. - But what are they going to say? What are they going to say? - One day they will slash my tires. I can feel it coming. - Yeah, you will. Well, you get what you deserve. - Yeah, absolutely. - Five years, and you start. Are you from Nashville? - Mm-hmm. - You are? - Yeah. - God, that scene is unbelievable, man. We talked before about our mutual friend, Zach Townsend, who I love, who's not from Nashville, but he's living there and has been there, and all of the guys that are down there. It's pretty crazy. That scene is. I mean, it was underrated for a long time. Now it's kind of getting the recognition it deserves. - Yeah, I think it's because there's only one club there. - Yeah, but that's a good thing. - Yeah. - I think all these other cities that have not. All these other cities that have like 90. Like, I went to school in Arizona. When I was in school, the Tempe Improv was the only club. And then, now there's Downtown, and there's Up North, and. I mean, they're all over the place. Now there's like five or six. - Yeah. - It's good, I guess, but I think something about a one-club city, it makes it super special. Like, I was just in New York. They told me they're gonna bring back the Improv to New York, 'cause it was there for a while. And I thought, I mean, do you need another club? - Yeah. - Another club? I don't know. It's kinda nice to have one that's home, that you have to fist fight to get into. - Yeah. - It makes it more special. - Feels more old school, maybe. - It does. Yeah, it does. And I love Zany's, man. That's like one of the best clubs in the country. And I think it's because they've made. They've worked hard on creating an environment of like really good comics, and you have to bust ass to be in there. And I think that's a good thing. - Yeah. - I mean, I really do. I think without that, it gets a little. Whatever. I don't know. It's like a dog in comedy. So to me, it's. I liked it when it was. When you really had. Like, I had to slit a throat to become a regular at the comedy store. Literally, I had to kill a man. - A comedian? Or a pedestrian? - An open mic-er. Yeah. An open mic-er. - Oh, yeah. I mean. - He deserved it. - Had to happen. - He had one really terrible joke, and they handed me a knife, and they said, "Do you want your name on the wall?" Open it wide up. - You got to write your name in his blood. - Yeah, I did. Yeah. - Yeah. - And so every year, I have to sacrifice a new open mic-er, because the blood kind of. Doesn't. It doesn't stay. - No, that's good. That goes back to the whole balance thing. - That's exactly right. That's right. So you grew up in Nashville. - Yeah. - Born and raised. Started comedy there. And then, are you going to stay in Nashville, or are you one of these people that's going to depart and go somewhere else? - I think I'll stay. - Yeah. - We fly everywhere. - Yeah. - So it's like. - Yeah, you don't need to. - I'm never where I live for that long. - Right. - You know? Like, I'm home, like, five days a month. - Yeah. It's not. How. And is your. Your husband's in stand-up, too. So is this a point of contention as well, sometimes, where it's like your. It doesn't matter. - No. No. It's been good. I mean, he goes on a road with another comedian, but he's starting to come with me a lot, which has been awesome, because. - That's great. - I mean, I know I'm faking it, but we talked about keeping the looks up for this. I need. - You do. -. someone I trust to carry me. Yeah. - Being this performative does get expensive, though. I will say. - That was really a prop comedy. - Yeah. Move over, Carrot Top. - Yeah. - There's a new redhead prop. - Carrot Bottom. - It is. That is so funny. Well, it's good to have. That's the hardest part about being away from someone you love. The road gets so lonely. Even if you're with, like, your best friend, you know, your people that feature for me, like, even if I'm with, like, a good friend that I love, there's those moments you're like, "Oh, dude. I just want to be home so bad." You have home with you. So you're good. You have no excuse. You better not give me this "I'm sad" shit ever. - I'm the happiest. There is nothing bad about my life. - As you can. - As I can see. - Yes. As you said, I've learned. Because of you, I was a fan. I was like, "Oh, you're great. I've seen your stuff, and I thought you were great." And then when I started to look into you talking about Frederick's ataxia. - Friedrich. - Friedrich's. - Like the German guy. - Oh, Nazi stuff. - Yes. Of course. - Yeah. yeah they were like women no yeah and oh wait men get it too no they do but not as often well they colonize our disease yeah and they can like walk they can some of them some of them can run but not for long yeah that's right that's the beauty of progressive diseases yeah it's gonna get you eventually it's pretty cool it's like it's like being chased in a dream it's gonna get you dude i posted a video one time you know those things you punch and it like calculates how strong your punch was yeah the machine that you hit yeah i did that and i was standing and someone was trying to hold my like waist to keep me up and someone goes she punches like i do in dreams really good really good what number did you get on the score one no you got one well i am number one you are number one that's what it means wow and that's just you know honestly it should have given you a zero it should have told the truth but you know what i'll take it a win's a win if you ain't first you're last that's exactly right and you're first in last so either way you look at it right especially on airplanes yeah traveling's got to be a fucking nightmare a nightmare it's the worst it's the worst thing in the world it sucks in general must suck even harder for you well especially at the airport um apparently there's people you've seen people not disabled use the wheelchairs drives me fucking insane they call them uh what is it like runway jesus because the minute they land they run off yeah fucking yeah and they just they're they're appropriating your culture it nothing makes me angry their wheelchair face yeah it's disgusting it's disgusting it makes me so fucking mad when i see that look if you're old as shit fine okay yeah fine if you're a young person who's who's able-bodied and i see you get in and out of that thing we should be able to paralyze you yeah that should be the payback and i'm not trying to be controversial let's do it but being fat you could use the walk down the jet bridge you know that's right that's that's funny i had a joke years ago about that and people got mad people just hated it about how i just never understood how overweight people got to park in the handicapped parking spots i was like that's crazy the the the overweight parking should be at the back of the lot yeah you shouldn't be the closest yeah and like you get to move closer and closer with every 10 pounds exactly right you lose some weight then you get then there should be skinny spots right up from skinny pretty people look at you i'm so proud of you it's a cycle because the closer they get the fatter they'll get now they're at the back balance balance this show is going to be called balance i love balance with fiona yeah i really am yeah it really is yeah because you you have good balance in here and in here your comedy has great balance not in here not in there no not in there well it's moving around something's happening i'm kicking a beer for sure yeah well your comedy has good balance i'll say that i really like it i really do think you're so funny and i think most of the most of the new world of comedy saw you through the kill tony world yeah does that make you are you annoyed by that do you like that no i think that's the only thing that's like kind of annoying is i was already doing doing stand-up yeah and a lot of people like oh my god her first time and i'm like uh-uh no no well as a comic we know that but i mean that's the thing it's kind of like someone said the other day a buddy said to me about about gillis he said that because i was we were out in new york together and he's like that guy just came out of nowhere i was like no that's i mean yes yes to america yeah sure i guess but all of us have been you just america just gets to see it when something happens yeah but the idea that it's like oh started a year or you know less than a year ago and now is selling out arenas like that's not a real thing right and if it was these open micro is a weird sense of like that give me one year yeah that's all i need is one year that's it ten thousand hours i need ten hours that's it and then i'm in that's it that's ten hours spread out in eight years that's right yeah yeah and then you're a superstar overnight no but you're right i do think like the beauty of kill tony is that you do i do get to see people pop off that deserve it which is good you know and i'm sure you know that there's people that you think don't deserve it i mean you sent me an entire email of names of people you hate yeah and we'll put up the names reading that my editor-in-chief is going to send me an entire email of names of people you hate and we'll put up the names my editor-in-chief is going to send me an entire email of names of people you hate jojo please put up all the names that she told us right here in the middle of all the people that she can't stand that made it um we do want to dock you a little bit no and i love that that's a quality like for treating me normal that's right i don't want to give you special treatment right you know she made us open up the other door so she could get in and i didn't like that i said you should just be able to fight your way through and really get in on your own america this is america yeah dude for now for now but i'm excited oh i'm excited for yeah i'm excited i want to speak chinese i'm excited for the takeover yeah they keep threatening us and i'm like let's do it yeah yeah you're like stop teasing me stop teasing me china really come get us i don't think my fucking voice is made for chinese no unfortunately no no they're much more um they're quick their speech is quick and it's yeah i don't think you could match that but do you know any other languages uh i'm gonna say no you do don't you no you do no she's fluent in german yeah i know irish you do no oh that would be fucking amazing collie is very that is really but also lauren yeah so they did lauren collie initially because my mom really liked lauren bacall and they thought really do you know who that lauren bacall the actor yeah but what she's like in love with her work and she was like she was like she's pretty so that'll make my kid pretty and i was like no what put me in a wheelchair yeah that's awful is lauren bacall in a wheelchair probably now yeah she dead is she dead oh she's dead i think dead people are all in wheelchairs you know yeah in their brain she's dead how old how really how she died a long time ago wow okay wow i didn't know uh rest in peace uh feigning it like it's yeah oh my god yeah i didn't get an email that she died that's i wish someone notified me when she passed away what is it fans she died in 2024 wow oh i was like holy she just died yeah 2014 at 90 years old wow was she hot when she died well yeah she was pretty in her heyday yeah in 2014. yeah i'm the re i was born in 2014 so i'm the reincarnation you are lauren's birth you were born in 2014 yeah i know i don't look you don't look good for that age no that's giving 29 and it's really bad it's pretty bad my body is like 80 it's a nightmare oh is that really what it is 80 no this is like 65 to 70 okay like a bad 65 no you're not like a bad 65 you're like a bad 65 like you've had like you lived like you were touring rock and roll musician i like people that think i'm an injured veteran you are thank you for your service by the way yeah and you're welcome well he's he's from spain he doesn't count he's not really yeah take that back he's gross spanish well no he just got citizenship which is that's good for him when you did when i when you did say that that joke about turning you just turned 29 and then you put on that post about you blacking out and you're like oh my god i'm not black anymore i'm not black anymore your birthday and him telling you not to do it when you do black out how much more fun does that wheelchair get oh man real fun you got you get loose on that oh real every everyone's in danger like a map will just do it himself and walk beside me and try and i'm like have you ever spilled have you ever crashed on that thing oh my god back in when i was a younger wheelchair user oh god i would get pretty drunk and i'm like no i think i can do it and i try to jump curbs no you can't you cannot no no i've given myself two different black eyes from face first oh my god my glasses you're lucky to knock your teeth out oh i've done that you have how many are fake only one the front one this one yeah oh mine's mine's almost all the mine this should this will be the last one i'm gonna do this one i'm gonna do this one i'm gonna do this one all fake at some point i cracked it in half and so that's gonna go doing what kissing a boy you just kissing his wiener yeah i was kissing his wiener sharp hard wiener yeah crazy he goes get on that thing no it's it's stupid i chipped it i've so i chipped it once playing basketball i hit somebody's head hit it and then i chipped it even worse so it's just like a little cat or a and then i chipped it even worse in new orleans um high on mushrooms uh as As you do. Did you leave it for a while? oh i was in new orleans for three more days i had to have the chip before i yeah returned home but it is weird when you're on drugs and you feel your chipped teeth because it's a mental because when i felt it i thought that my tooth is gone the whole tooth yeah it's not as bad as i thought it was like it was a sliver but i was pretty high and i thought well this is the worst it's me now yeah this is me i'm a chipped tooth guy that's like when stavros lost his tooth you know stavros the comic i've been mad i'm big fan when he had his tooth gone i thought that was i was like leave that out man yeah keep it if if you can get laid without a front tooth what's stopping you in life i mean if someone's like i'll still hook up with you if that's the case then everything bad in that person's life is their fault it is that's true that is true everything bad in that person's life is truly their taking yeah it's just something i like to say a little wisdom you know i do going backwards i do hate the name friedrich's a taxi i hate it it's bad we can't get a new one no i've been petitioning and no one's listening they can't read my handwriting yeah well it's just a little wobbly it's real bad camera with my hands i can't imagine i can't even sign a check like i was going to sign a check for someone and i get nervous about signing checks this must be that's hell on earth for you well typing or texting is hard so a voice text but it never understands me so it's does it screw it up every time i just replied to a club being like hey we would need like a video or whatever i was like yeah today later i'll send you i was trying to say a shout out video but it auto-corrected and i sent it and it said a shower video did you send it i mean i had to yeah you don't have a choice yeah yeah i mean that's what the club needs yeah coming to funny bone this summer check out fiona calling just you in the shower it's way sadder than you think it'd be though like matt washing my arms and i'm like it's a good comedy video yeah it's actually really good people love it yeah yeah no you know what showers are sad for everybody i i i was talking about when you get out of the i have a mirror that that right as i get out of my shower like it look it's at you and it really fucks me up every time because just i don't you know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i'm 42 my body is bad now and my little red penis and it's wet and it's just it's really sad it bums me out and i said i was like man i wish we didn't have that mirror there and my wife was like what are you gonna fucking rip down the take off the mirror it's glued to the wall i was like i think i might want to because every time i step out i see it and i go yuck gross it's a bad way to start my day yeah to see your naked body wet wet naked body i don't know where that got in the in the social zeitgeist of like it's sexy when someone's wet no it's not shower is no one likes that uh-uh no it's gross oh you're sending that shower video finally yeah yeah it finally uploaded sorry okay actually let me see let's experiment let me see you let's see you voice text me voice text me and let's see what it says give me a hard one um say say uh sally sells seashells down by the seashore let's see what it says see what it does and don't change it after it says it by the way i saved your contact and it's you and look it's look at it's you and then it's a little wheelchair afterwards isn't that sweet i love that yeah just a little wheelchair that's it's like when you meet someone at a bar and you're like chicken sandwich because that's what they i love that let's see okay sally sells seashells by the seashore send it let's see what it said here we go i actually kind of crushed that this is nuts this is crazy you guys are not gonna believe what her it auto-corrected dude that's nuts dude charlie kirk was a psy-op for the government what is that what is that it says sally is a sell seashells by the seashore pretty close pretty close you would i'll just send it most of the time around they'll figure it out yeah they'll figure it out it's like how moms do oh dude my dad calls him my dad my dad's from the south and sometimes his accent comes out he's from north carolina but like he's all but put it away because he's lived in chicago for 40 some odd years but he's still he he he'll he can't say text he'll say texas like texts texas so he's like well i read all those texas that you guys sent i'm like texas texts he's like yeah texas texas that you sent he can't get it out let me hear you say you're from the south say text text say texts like plural text see you guys can't do it no the hardest edited did he he edited edited edited it let's make up a new word for edited yeah that's that's a hate crime that is that word yeah edited i'm glad we're talking about it let's talk about more hate crimes yeah yeah let's get these things moving along i love it don't use handicaps at all don't use them i'll get real mad never understood it also well this is a guy thing but i get very bothered when there's a there's a two bathroom it'll be a a toilet and a urinal and a man will lock that door we should be able to pee at the same time but this is a guy thing you know what i'm talking about there's there'll be a it'll be a bathroom and it'll be a toilet and then you know around the wall to the side is a urinal we should be able to pee at the same time if you're comfortable with it like it's not that big of a deal and if you see mine and i see yours so what we're bonded we're then we have something to talk about otherwise we're just passing through time you know it's really what's ripping this country apart it's part of it it's definitely part of it yeah yeah i had a dream i had a stream i had a stream that one day two men could pee simultaneously together in harmony cute one sitting down one between their legs oh just pee right on them oh yeah yeah some people like that some people like i got pretty mad and met my husband yesterday because he closes the door to the bathroom even when he's just being and i feel like we're not married yeah what is he doing i don't know so i'll bring the door to the bathroom and i'll be like oh my god i'm so yeah open it up wait he closes it even when he's peeing is that a what do you hide but is he being respectful is that like him he said he thought it was gross and i was like i pooped the door open he was like it's gross right no i think what he's saying is he's like the lady in the relationship he doesn't want to fart in front of you or you don't know he does fart okay that's why i'm like what a boundary yeah what a line pee with the door closed but rip ass in bed sitting down our bed and he's trying to hide it from me i i think most more men than you think sit down to pee i get it standing up why well in the middle of the night when you go pee in the middle of the night you sit you sit down yeah you have to i'm tired also it's nice yeah it's really nice i'm sorry but it is just i will say sitting and peeing was like the one thing women had over men and now y'all are taking that once again the white straight man wins again yeah you know a black guy can't do it no they don't his wing is going to touch the watch well it goes into the it goes into the hole yeah and if you accidentally flush oh god right off yeah it's like an automatic toilet can't get away from that i think that'll grab you has he ever peed on you um not on purpose in the shower yeah yeah see i do it to my wife sometimes for fun you guys hate it yeah but i can't get away neither can she i try i'm in front of the door yeah it's a small little shower where are you gonna go where are you gonna go it is very fun i don't know what it is about peeing on your significant other that's very fun it's a it's in the shower it's gonna come off you're fine i wish i could pee on him yeah well you could throw it create something to bounce it off there do you pee in the shower uh do women pee in the shower i mean i have yeah i we have to it's nature for men but i change the disability thing i change i'm sitting on the toilet it's just easier yeah um and so when i shower i always sit in the toilet first to take my clothes off sure yeah well that's pee in there you got yeah that's right you already but doesn't the water kick it in again sometimes even if i already peed i get in the hot water i'm like i have to pee again no i'm drinking a lot of water yeah speeding up here you want this yeah too bad fuck there's that ego again man they're bribing a wheelchair that's so funny i was like you want this you're like yeah no you can't have it too bad too too bad that's too damn bad have you ever had someone uh go to like if you're at a bar and they're like i can't serve you have you ever had this that's insane i have a friend who's handicapped that has had this before and they're like what kind of handicap like in a wheelchair okay in a wheelchair a um spinal cord injury car accident i don't know what that i don't know what do you is there a term paraplegic i don't think it's yeah maybe paralyzed can he stand sometimes a little bit okay he's uh he's a phony yeah he's a faker you look down on those people we have a word for that yeah it's called bullshit yeah but but he's had that where a bartender's been like no i can't and he's like what the fuck are you talking about yeah i can't i'm sorry man i uh that happened to me a lot before the wheelchair because my voice is like this because of this right because your tongue is a muscle yeah um when i walked with nothing i remember on my 21st birthday i could walk but it was real wobbly and i was so stoked to like buy a drink illegally and i walked up to the bar and immediately it was like we're not serving you now it's like oh totally good i have this disease i explained a little bit and he goes yeah i've heard that one like from far fucking who okay i gotta tell you i'm gonna use that next time i'm out someone's like i think you're hammered it's like i don't think you understand what's really going on the stare the down stairway i don't think you really know what's going on my name was fiona i changed it to andrew when i was a child that's funny so you because you changed your name now do you still love it or no i love i'm glad i did could you imagine lauren yeah i would we wouldn't have had you on the show i know yeah i don't really lauren's mean dude it's so funny you say that because i was thinking i just had a when you i just had a moment flashback of like girls i knew when i was young named lauren and i knew one lovely one but she was hiding something and the other ones were just lauren is kind of lauren's hot and lauren's a little mean because she's hot but hot in like a sport way like she plays soccer yeah of course she plays soccer yeah lauren does i played soccer for six years you did you what what position were you oh i was a child so cartwheels mostly cartwheels yeah cartwheels and flower picking yeah yeah no soccer soccer is lauren's sport and she's and lauren's a little loud in every room and she's kind of brash about it um but she's the truth really is her uncle touched her when she was young and then she's holding on to this she didn't know i thought about it yet she can't talk i'm ready she's definitely not ready she's definitely not ready no your parents divorce is the most traumatic thing that happened to you huh yeah yeah by far the worst yeah do you still get along with both of your parents no not at all i get along with my mom lovely mom yeah and your mom's first letter is a angel yep she is she's an angel and your dad you don't talk no gone dead no no not dead a sad face not dead not yet no it is funny how you always got to pick one during a divorce you just have to yeah you really do i mean the courts just died most of the time yeah no big day after nay they pick the angel yeah they pick the other one is your mom in nashville yeah she'll never leave no loves it down there she's born and raised there too no she's from nashville yeah she's born and raised there too no she's born and raised there too no she's born yikes oh no yeah pittsburgh pittsburgh is a pittsburgh is a beautiful place and by the way now you're like and i'll be there at the pittsburgh improv oh yeah no you know pittsburgh is a it's a tough city because it's western pa which is like eastern midwest it's like basically ohio to us because i'm a chicago guy and for some reason every time we've played pittsburgh something weird has happened like something like the show the last time i was there with chris o'connor the mics went out uh we did we we had a bad show bad friends had a bad show out there i don't know what it is it's pittsburgh's got a looming cloud over it it needs its angel back yeah that's the problem she got out of there and when she left everything went south everything went to shit yeah and that was in like 1989 that's when it started yeah that is actually exactly downhill and matt's from nashville yeah he's from you don't know where your husband's from oh he's from alabama no tuscaloosa yeah is that right yeah tuscaloosa yeah tuscaloosa alabama the lemonati has spent decades keeping lemon on top and lime in the shadows their lemon agenda has infiltrated everything even our music that hit song named after the color of lemons not a coincidence big lemon has been pulling strings in the industry for years think about it but now seven up is fighting back with their new lime lemon soda now lime comes first seven up flip the sip hank joined bj's wholesale club the day he became a father of 30 i coach football now coach hank saves up to 25 off grocery store prices 30 pounds of pasta three cases of protein bars 75 sports drinks and that's just pregame he knows teamwork and bj's knows savings this is your home coach home of the save join for just 20 at bj's.com slash mesquite and save 10 cents per gallon for six months open soon limited time offer new members only bj's home of the save this episode is brought to you by txu energy for the first time ever texans have an energy plan that combines free nights all year with daytime summer savings it's called free nights summer you get free nights every night all year long plus a 25 bonus toward your daytime use all summer it's a first of its kind plan created for how texans actually use energy discover how much more you could save with free nights and cool summer txu energy energy for everything visit txu.com for more information rep number one zero zero zero four he's he doesn't seem like he's from alabama you haven't talked to him enough yeah i don't want to i wouldn't no no well after i heard about the peeing closed door thing i don't want to talk to him enough i don't want to talk to him i'm like i'm out on this guy i first thought he was good yes issues yeah and i married him because i'm like i can face you yeah you can he's like you gotta pay yourself first i'm like i'm not a doctor you know but it'll get it's eventually it'll all iron itself out yeah it is what it is i don't care no who gives a shit yeah you got what you need you got that rock and you're moving forward yeah that's all you really wanted how long have you been married uh three months oh this is fresh yeah wow yeah so this is still this is still the but you've known each other for a long time or no uh three years that's pretty quick yeah that's good which is it's weird when you do that and you've dated other people for like five years before you know speaks volumes about those other people yeah that they're worthless trash yep that's right my track record ain't very good well you dated a lot did you what what kind of guy was your were you a sucker for it was it the asshole or was it the what were you what was the mistakes before oh god i think it was like the unemployed drug addict i was really in love those guys girl me fucking do i've done more for that community yeah you really you really lifted them up oh my grown up the dynamic in the household was always the woman made the money always because your mom was a like a workhorse she fuck yeah did she have multiple jobs um well so when my dad left her uh she had she got fired from her job and was like oh my god i have three kids what the fuck am i gonna do no money and no help you know wow and she started a company and that was like 15 16 years ago and she's very well off now that's awesome it's crazy that's so cool to hear yeah because your dad was like i'm not gonna help no alimony no child support nothing well my mom made most of the money anyway she made it anyway that's fucking crazy yeah wow i like that strong single mom shit yeah so i was always like yeah it's normal dad to pay for everything sure yeah you know that's a part of so then strong dude you'd meet a drug addict loser with no job and you'd go listen to my dad this is dad found him you have no connection to your father anymore he's not he's um no i don't really good talk to him i was kind of it's not like he like hit me or you know he did this kind of in a way yeah genetics yeah that's why he ran away yeah like a bitch he didn't run away he just ran upstairs and i haven't seen himself yeah you can't get up there can you well you got to get one of those we the thing from the the chair from the yeah those are great my father wants one of those and he's not he's able he just doesn't want to go upstairs he goes can i make shit look too fun you do make it look fun like look at that thing's orange and you did that she painted this just for the show for listeners you should tune into youtube and see because she painted it orange for me which is sweet how natural is this color let's be real you're not really one of us i know you're not why i can tell how we know there's a thing inside oh yeah i've always lied about it you're it's i've been red for 15 years yeah and before it was just a it was like a It was like a strawberry blonde. Yeah, I know. I can feel it. I hate you for that. I planned on lying to you. I was like, I'm going to get his ass. No, you can't. No, because we know our own kind. What gave it away? I'm so pale. I just think we know. No, you are very pale. But your facial structure is not a redheaded facial structure. I'm sorry to tell you. Thank you. It's a compliment. We can really see our own. I mean, I kind of don't look like a usual redhead because I have dark eyes. Most redheads have lighter like you. I know, but they don't look like you. They don't. This is a compliment. I know. I got the arm thing going, I'm pretty sure. Yeah, that you do. That is true. But honestly, we can feel it. Yeah, you're not going to get away with it. Not with me, pal. But it is a thing where pale girls who do do it have gotten away with it for a long time. And it stops today on Whiskey Ginger. I've never been called that. I've never been called that like this. Because you just roll around town. I'm hot shit. Friedrich, the taxi. Look at me, look at me. You're a fake redhead. Honestly, I want to be mad, but you're so brave for calling me out. Well, I have to. I don't have a choice. I didn't know this was a gotcha show. That's a camera, that's a camera, that's a camera. He's not even Spanish. No, but you. But you. You do it well. I'll say that. Thank you. We accept you and we love you very much. I try really hard. Well, it was a torturous thing as a child. My buddy asked me the other day, Devontre Coleman, who goes on the road with me. He said, did you get bullied for having red hair? And I said, no, I got bullied for other stuff. It wasn't really the hair. It was more that I was loud, obnoxious, and I thought I was. I just wanted to be the life of the party because your mental state from home, you know. I had a single mother for a while when I was a kid. My parents split. And then, you know, that's why I said that single mom stuff. I do mean it. I've talked about this on the show a lot that like I think single mom, the bad. It's such a bad ass thing when a mom just takes control and stuff because my mom never wanted anything from my father because then she would have owed him a piece of me. Right. So it was a great it was almost motivation to be like, fuck you. I'm not going to give you my you don't get to see your kid then. I'm going to own the kid. I'm going to take care of him. And then then there's no like, oh, can I come? You know, it's like when someone people break up and they're like split. The dog, you're like, no, that's not you got to let the dog go. Do you talk to him? We do years later now. Yeah. Now that I'm grown, we speak. Yeah. But it's different because we're men. You know what I mean? Like, we're just what's odd is like what I mean by that is we're too grown. I'm a grown man. He's a grown man. It's like I didn't know him like kids do when they know their parents growing up through divorce. I didn't really know him. I know pieces of him for sure. But like, it's different. And my life, I moved here when I was. I left when I was 18 and went to Arizona and then moved here. So I don't I didn't have that, you know, those formidable years with him. But my mom and my stepdad, great guy, you know, they really good people. But she was a she was a dog. She I said to her one time, did you ever have panic attacks? Because I used to get panic attacks. And she was like, oh, yeah. When I first split with your dad, I'd stay up all fucking night long sweating, thinking about like, I'm not going to be able to do this. I'm not going to be able to pay rent. Like, what am I going to do? Where am I going to go? But she is a gangster. She did. She's a bad bitch. She's a bad at mo money. Moms are fucking insane. Yeah, they're insane. Yeah. It's the best thing in the world. I couldn't do it. Yeah. Fuck men. Yeah. Fuck pigs. Fuck. Fuck the pig men. Yeah, that's right. Not Matt. Not. No, Matt's great. No, Matt is great. Keep the door open. Keep the door open. You fucking weirdo. What are we doing? I don't know that. Well, how about this? Do you guys? Do you guys have, like, I'm at a point, we've been together so long, that, like, if it's a show that she wants to watch that I don't want to watch, I used to just go, all right, I'll just watch it. Now I'm honest. Now I'm like, I don't like this shit. I don't want to watch it together. I'm sorry. Like, we'll do other things together, but will you do this or you'll just put up, you'll put up with it? I will never pretend I want to watch something I know from day one. You're like, no, I'm not doing that shit. Yeah, I'll leave. I'll do something else. I'll be like, yeah, it was fun. And then they'll get it on his phone. Right. And play TikToks out loud while I'm trying to watch this murder doc, you know? Well, you're trying to collect information on how to kill him. Right. You should be paying attention. I really like murder docs because it just, like, reminds me, it could be worse, you know? It's a good. Yeah. Yeah, appreciation, kind of. It could be way worse. I just saw a news article about that, about a guy who. Who concocted this plan to kill his wife so he could be with his au pair. Their nanny? Yeah. It's the same thing, isn't it? What's the difference? It's like a fancy, or a live-in nanny. It's a live-in nanny. Yeah. Right. Which is fucking. I don't like these French words entering our. No. Just say live-in nanny. Yeah. House bitch. Au pair? I can't even house bitch. Just be house bitch. Yeah. But he was going to kill his wife to be with this girl, you know, obviously half his age or whatever. Oh, yeah. And then she caught him. And it's just like, what? She caught him planning? Yeah. She caught him mid-planning. You know, there is something beautiful, though, about like a man being able to make a plan. That is kind of sexy. I can't appreciate that. Well, that's why you guys like serial killers and these crazy men, because they really planned it out. Yeah. Like the guy that builds a bomb in the woods. Women couldn't find him any sexier, because you're like, you did that? Oh, my God. You like ran it. Did you like run errands this time? Multiple times in a row. You made a list. You made a fucking list. And you checked it? Twice. That's why women are horny for Santa, too. Same thing. And credit that guy. I want to sit on his lap. We get a barb, you know. Santa has been sexualized way too much. Yeah. And we don't talk about it. Yeah. Because he's got daddy vibes. He's overweight. He's the ultimate papa. He is the ultimate papa. Papa bear. A big daddy bear. Now, see, you know, I think it's time we stop sexualizing these fantasy creatures. I mean, the tooth fairy. I used to get off to the tooth fairy. Oh, yeah. She's stealing my teeth. Sexy. What a nasty little bitch. Nasty bitch. Have we ever seen an image of the tooth fairy? I don't even think I know. Do you even have the tooth fairy in Spain? You guys don't do that, do you? I kind of imagine it would be. It's a really scary thing. She wears the teeth around her neck or some shit. Yeah, like, what does the tooth fairy look like in our mind? Like, if an actress played the tooth fairy, who would it be? What actress would play the tooth fairy? I already got it. Emma Stone. Emma Stone. She'd be a really good tooth fairy. I have it. I know exactly who would be perfect. Helena Bonham Carter. And Tim Burton would direct it. Do you know who that is? You do know her. She's in every Tim Burton movie of all time. She's also, well, not every Tim. Yeah. Every Tim Burton movie. You've seen this woman before. I'm going to show you her. And you're going to go, this woman could play the tooth fairy. What's her most famous role? Her, I was, I mean. She's in Harry Potter. Harry Potter. Yeah. You tell me that's not the tooth fairy. Oh, absolutely. That's 100% the tooth fairy. Yeah. But she's always been kind of this fantastical actress who, I think this is a rude statement that I'm about to say, but I mean it. The juice, no. She's like, she is in real life what I think, what's her name from Stranger Things? What's the mom? Billy Bobby. No, no, no, the mom. What's wrong with her? Oh. Winona Ryder. She's, I think, what Winona Ryder wants to be. But Helena Bonham Carter is just better at living it. But Winona Ryder kind of like performatively does it. After Beetlejuice, she was like, it's got to be me. It's got to be me. I'm the strange girl. I get it. Winona Ryder is super pretty, though. She is. Well, it's not a pretty thing. It's more like a unique look. Right. She's got a funky look. Like you, you don't have a funky look. It's unfortunate. Not even a redhead look. No, you're not really castable. Still thinking about that. They're like, how about that pretty fake redheaded girl? And they're like, no, I don't really like that girl at all. Everyone vomits a little bit in their mouth. Did they swallow it, to be polite? Well, what was breakfast? You know? Put it right back in there. Round two. Round two, maybe. Do you want to get into that world? Do you want to act or do any of that bullshit? Yeah, I would love to. You do? Maybe, maybe I'll try to play. Maybe, maybe. Well, we're working on a non-scripted bad game show, which me and Bobby are doing a game show that's like an adult game show, basically. So maybe you want to come play a little round. I would not say no to a fellow redhead. A fellow, yes. To one of my friends. To one of my fellow brethren. And you're Chinese, right? Yes. He's Korean, but still. Only privately, but. Right. There is a lot of people that are Asian at home, but white in public. Yeah. There is an obsession with like the youth culture of, especially Korean films now are so hot and Japanese K-pop stuff. Anime. Yeah. I never got that. Never got into it. Uh-uh. No. Do you have any obscure things like that that you like that you're embarrassed about? Come on, give it to me. Give me one. What do you really like that you're kind of ashamed of? I hate, you know the phrase, watching i think it's annoying because you're not you're not hating you're watching you like it like when somebody goes i hate watch reality shows like you just like it just say you fucking like oh i love reality but i know when people say i hate watch like they hate watch the kardashians you're like no you don't you like it because if you hate it i i hate i hate jump scare films so i just won't watch them i hate like um god what was that shit ridiculousness oh with oh yeah yeah yeah rob dyrdek yeah yeah just like people falling and shit i do not find funny no because when it happens to you it's not it's not i don't like that nut kicking the penis stuff yeah that's yeah i'm not really a huge fan it's so like child you're a sophomoric yeah i mean i get the like the jackass of it all sometimes is fun so like i just don't know not for you at all even the originals wow see i liked it when i was young but when i get older when i got older i just kind of didn't like to see men get kicked in the penis it bummed me out yeah yeah especially because uh you know i don't have any kids and i was like well this guy can have kids he still gets kicked in the cock that bothers me that's how i feel about people on jackass i'm like you can walk you're taping yourself to the ground within a bull ring like whatever the fuck they're doing like peanut butter on their dick i don't know yeah it's very strange you know stuff like that it's been a while since no you got it that's kind of it it's peanut butter on the penis and a tarantula running it's that yeah same stuff yeah but it is funny i think they're doing another one right they're gonna make their final one they said and what's even more interesting to me is like john and actual has got to be like late 50s is that right he looks good he does yeah he's a hot guy he's a handsome motherfucker he is a hot guy you who do you have a celebrity crush right now yeah yeah come on fetty wop fetty wop he's your guy he could get it dude yeah my whole path and he looks kind of like your husband that's what i'm saying yeah you've been the fan yeah you gotta keep it yeah you have to you have to have a theme to going like fetty wop is your guy huh yeah he's hot yeah you're about wop you know yeah you got it yeah i got it who would you think my celebrity crush would be your wife is white she's white yeah she's oh my hey yeah she's a white lady yeah kristen bell no but that's really good white lady that's good that's good because she's fucking super talented and she's like cute she's cute yeah she's adorable but she's not like big boobs yeah yeah not like yeah not right that's yeah that's pretty good i think right now my celebrity crush is uh who's the chick from wicked ariana grande no the other one cynthia rivo yeah yeah interesting i'd say that for you yeah yeah we're pretty similar her and i we're like really we're elusive and odd and you want to hold her a little thing i want to hurt her i want to hold her finger on a broadcast everyone wants to that relationship they have is very strange it grosses me out it really makes me sad makes me and she's very talented shout out to you cynthia rivo like you'd ever fucking know this happened but genuinely it bums me out because i see that and i go this is the trappings of actual you drank the kool-aid of hollywood yeah like you really did like because there's no way that's a real personality weight loss and like the codependence there's something very strange that's the kind of stuff that america jokes about when they go hollywood's fucked up and we're like not all of it and then you see that and you go okay fair they can't we can't help ourself when that stuff happens you go right yes you're right i can't even defend that because it's so odd it makes me feel like i'm not even part of the entertainment industry you're not you're not it's totally fair yeah you're not i came here to find out thank you for being honest you're not a redhead you're not in the biz fuck no i i that i've that stuff has slowly turned me off as years have gone on because all i wanted to do was be a stand-up comic who did comedic acting gigs and then now i just don't really understand what any of it is anymore anyway so now i'm like you're very good by the way i'm okay i'm not bad i watched you dave when i came in thank you it was a fun show that was fun the problem is you don't do those things anymore you're like can we make something fun again and hollywood's like no fucking way dude yeah it's got to be a have you seen the free bird thing no really funny what is that it's bert kreutzer made oh oh bert's new show yes what am i saying dude yes i don't know i've never met him the show is so good it's really good like and i'm very judgmental yeah i was just gonna say you don't seem like someone who um lies i won't bring it up yeah yeah you well let me tell you something we're gonna call albert right now because i want honestly because i'm not gonna lie to him i haven't seen the show i helped i i posted about it because i'm proud of my buddy hey you're on my podcast right now and i'm here with fiona cauley who's fucking hysterical and she just said on the show how much she loves your new show she goes it's so fucking funny and so good and for a second i was gonna lie and say i saw it but i haven't seen it but now i'm gonna that just made my day well you're the man we love you and fiona says it's fantastic and uh anything else you want to say that's really powerful no no that's it that's it all right i love you buddy thank you thank you thank you andrew i love you bye dude look at that we just made his day that's so sweet he needs it right now he's going through something very very bad yeah he's going through a bottle of vodka right now and it is not the expensive guy pop off baby bottom shelf plat he's actually taking a break from drinking he's got a little uh he's taking he told me he's taking a little sabbatical which i think is we all need it i'm doing the opposite me too me too everyone did the dry january and i i just couldn't do it more for mama what's your drink of choice well hold on let me guess you're not a beer girl no chance no you're too fit to be a beer girl because beer girls well i grew up with beer girls i grew up in the midwest beer girls are just good they're they're a little bit more staunch they're stocky uh which i do love about the midwest girls they take off their jacket and they're fucking jacked and you're like what is that i'm not gonna hurt you no no just gonna hug you son you are a maybe tequila no is it like a vodka soda thing it is that bummed me out i also love bourbon you do like we should if it wasn't so early we'd be drinking but you also have to do three other things you have to do three other things you have to do three other things other shows today i love bourbon it doesn't love me what do you mean by that matt i'm only allowed to drink it at home well because you get no fights in public i just love it and it's so good it's real potent so real quick i'm like oh fuck i know i had some last night at the house and then my wife and i played cards and i got upset because she beat me every time what kind of cards we played uh we played 31 and then we were we were we were you know what's so funny is like we have to i have to do two things at once so we were planning flights for my sister's wedding and planning all the bullshit and i was like can we do something while we're doing this because it gives me anxiety that's smart i don't like oh i'm so bad at like i'm mr last minute too like i just don't it gives me anxiety to be like okay if this flight's here into that hotel and then we're gonna go to your parents house and then so i was like can we play cards while we're looking up flight stuff so we played 31 then we played uh golf golf's fun one time no not the real thing golf the card game you get six cards you're allowed to flip over two you have to pair and match with them and you get to draw from the top and whoever's the lowest at the end it's a stupid look it's a mindless game that we play that she fucked me she beats me every time but i'm not smart so it does so it almost like she should let me win yeah it's a little offensive it is she's like one again it's like yeah it's starting to hurt it's cool she's not scared about like you hitting her you know well i mean not after the police have been called i mean my god no you know she's more scared of um she's more scared of me going to get another cocktail after i've lost so many times i'm like well i'm just gonna drink again then because i keep losing at the card game and it's your fault yeah is that what you say when you get up that yeah i go and i'm doing this because of you and then i'll pour it down my mouth the worst is when i want another one i can't like lift a heavy bottle and pour it yeah i'll be like you don't need another one i'm like please pour me another one and then i'll be like no and i'll be like that's fucked up to use my disability against me and he's like oh my god that is fucked up though who does he think he is right you don't own me you know what close the door bitch you close the door and you pee sitting down and i got cameras in there matt guess what they're all over the place you will never find them That is fucked up if he does. Well, what's your limit? Do you know when you hit your limit? Or are you someone that's like, fuck it, I just got to party? I do know, but it depends if I'm celebrating something or not. Yeah, if something big is upon us, we must. Well, you're in town because you're going down to San Diego to do shows, is that right? Yes, and I've a show at the store. Store, you've got a show at the store. Where in San Diego are you playing? Mic Drop. Oh, Mic Drop, right, right, right. I've never been, but I know it. Their menu, fucks, it's so good. Really? It's awesome. Yeah. Yeah, San Diego, another place that had a million clubs pop up. I mean, we were La Jolla guys, the comedy store, because if you started the store up here, it was just, that's where you had to play. Yeah. You could do other ones, but they really frowned on it. Yeah. Yeah, it was like a big, back in the day, Mitzi would, yeah, the fear of Mitzi for us at the store was like, yeah, the new generations don't have that, which it's great for you guys, but it did instill that. It's like, well, you better not upset the house. I wish I had that. It's cool. Well, you, I mean. I'm not scared of anybody. No, no, you're scared of curbs. Yeah. Yeah, those things, male or female. Steps, a one step. One step? Good night, yeah. I mean, it's like. One step is worse than a bunch. Oh, big time. Because you think you can do it. Now you're on the ground. Yeah, dude. Okay. One step. Four steps is like, oh, okay, I'm not going to go over there. Yeah, I'm going to throw them. Right. You're not going to cross the street. You're going to stay in line. Yeah. But one step, you go, I'll challenge. Yeah, why the, I'm American. I can do this. You can do it. Yeah, you can. No, I think, I think the world of you guys not having those threats is a good thing. I honestly, like, I think the community has gotten better in standup. We were, it was like, you know, like the world of, of like when Tony was out here and stuff like that, like the store was a dark, dark place, man. Yeah. People were fucking mean. It was like, there was no, it wasn't like, we're all buddies. It was like, fuck you. I'll kill you for stage time. Yeah. You guys not, your generation, it's like, everyone's a friend. It's the weirdest thing. It's great. But it's not always real. And that's stressful. Yeah, that's true. Like trying to navigate, like, is this my friend or can I not trust this person? Well, you can't trust them, but they might still be your friend. Only time will tell. Yeah. Yeah. With comics, especially in our business. It's like, you do see. Especially when you get, when you continue to be successful. Good luck. I can't wait for people to start hating you. I'm so excited. You're late to the party, my friend. Well, then I want to join. Whoever's out there hating on her, please send me all the hate so I can read it privately behind her back. I really would love that. Nobody hates you. You're a liar. No chance. There is one person that we both know that hates you. Very, very much. A lot. You want to say it out loud? We can say it right now. I think you should say it. You want me to? You're a little more of a brat. Jay Leno. Yeah. Fucking Jay Leno. He invited you in a car once and you said, I don't know if it's going to work out. And he was so offended. And he was like, I don't really like that guy. He loosened all my bolts when I wasn't looking. He's a car guy. He knows how to fix and break that thing at the same time. He really is diabolical, Jay Leno. People don't really know that about him, that he's been picking on the disabled for years. Oh, my God. He's a real threat. Yeah. He sees a ramp, makes stairs. That motherfucker. Why don't you make more stairs around town? I don't think we need more ramps. No more ramps. Ramping people. What do these people need ramps for? What do they need ramps for? They roll around? Why? Why did I bring up Jay Leno? He was at the store the other night. That's why I just got in my head. He's a very nice guy. He's a sweet guy. Who was your North Star when you started comedy? Who do you think was like your, who's your favorite? When I started, definitely Josh Blue. Josh Blue. Yeah. Phenomenal comic. Yeah. I met him once. Yeah. Before, way before I was a comedian. And I was in a wheelchair at that time. I went to a show at Zany's and I got shit face at the show. And there was like a meet and greet he was doing on your way out. And I just like, was like. Well, you know, you're working, but I was talking too much. I was being complimentary, but I was being drunk. You were fanning out. Yeah. Yeah. And his sister was so nice. I was like, hey girl, let's keep moving. That is so. It was, and I've never met him again. Well, let's meet him again. No. Bring him in. Josh. He's very funny. And, and, and also I'm sure he'd love to meet you again. In this state now that you're in. Sober. Yeah. Yeah. Sober and success, a successful comedian. That's huge. You were like, I met you when I was a bumbling idiot. Yeah. And now. Maybe you thought I was disabled and not drunk. That's what I always say. It's a good sell. No one's ever really going to know. I don't really know. Yeah. Cause I do think you did smell a little like vodka when you walked in. Whoa. You're smelling ladies now. Yeah. I got it. That's part of the show. We'll cut to the smelling lady clip right now where I sniff the ladies. No, he, he's, that's a good one. Who's, who's like, who's your favorite of all time? Hmm. God, that's so hard. Um, I don't want to glaze anyone. Oh, who gives a shit? They're not gonna fucking, no one cares. Nobody cares. Um, the greatest of all time. It's tough, huh? You think there's too many of them? Yeah. Yeah. That's the problem, right? I mean, Shane Gullis is very funny. He might be your greatest. Yeah, but I don't want to, it feels weird cause I know him. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck him. Yeah. Fuck him. I always say a dead guy. Oh, that's good. Then it's no skin. Uh, fucking Mitch Hedberg. Yeah. Phenomenal. See, that's great. No one can get mad when you say the dead guy's the greatest. Like Norm. Yeah. For me, it's like Norm or Geraldo. Greg Geraldo. Did you know who that was? Yeah. Yeah, that's amazing. Yeah. He was awesome. He was fucking, I mean, you're, you wouldn't have, I mean, he died a while ago, sadly. He was so, I think he's, he, look him up and you'll go, right away you'll go, ah, yes, I get this. This guy's brilliant. Ralphie May, very funny. Yeah, very funny. Not dead. What? No, he came back. Oh. Yeah. You just made me sweat. No, no, no. I was like, oh my God. He was so fucking funny too. Yeah. All right, let's name dead people that weren't funny. Here we go. Oh, fine. One, two, three. We'll say it at the same time. No, I get that though. You're right. You are right to say that it is kind of hard to name someone right now because you're like, well, I don't know. If you know, if you know them, it is hard, but it does feel good if you create a relationship with someone that you, like I grew up loving Chappelle and then to have a relationship with him as an adult is weird. Yeah. It's fucking amazing. But I'm like, that's so crazy. It's weird to be like, you idolize someone and then you're like, oh, like parts of the person annoy me like a normal friend. Sure. Yeah, they have to. Well, then, you know, you actually really like them. Yeah. Because if it was this, the other version of it, you'd be like, well, this is all fake. Everything is good about them. And yeah. No chance. No. I was a really big fan of Sam Morrell. Yeah. Love Sam. I love Sam. Yeah. He's the best. I got to do him and Mark's podcast. We might be drunk. Yeah. And you got drunk. And I got real drunk. Would they feed you bourbon? Those guys love bourbon. Vodka soda. Oh. Because they got, we got Bodega Cat here. We have their, their booze here. Yeah. They'd send us home. They'd send us home with one and it's all gone. Ooh. I could, I wish, I could send you home with some good bourbon from here, but the problem is, well, you got to, you're flying back. Yeah. So it's a waste, huh? Yeah. Well, you could put it in your bag, but if it breaks. We do, yeah. Nah. I know. I've done that once. I took home a nice bottle and it broke because I didn't wrap it properly. And so my, my suitcase was booze. It was just all my clothes. I had booze jeans for a while. Booze jeans. And you can't get, I don't know, man, if you know about denim. My God. I don't care how many times you wash it. It stays. Booze jeans stays. Good to know. Yeah. Well, Japanese denim should take note about that. Make jeans that are unboozable. Also don't pack it in your bag like an idiot. Are you, so you're on the road and then are you in this mental space of maybe doing a special at some point? Yeah, but I don't want to. Take your time. Don't do it. Jump the gun. Yeah, don't do it. Yeah, so they suck anyway. They're fucking, it's a nightmare. Recording stuff sucks. I'm letting go of my first like full, and I change it. I throw shit. I throw shit out of it, but new stuff in constantly. Like it never is the same hour. Like three months later, I panic. I don't know. Yeah, but that's healthy. I think it's, if you're not changing it, your stagnancy is terrible. So if you're not changing it, that's, but that's why it's hard to record something because you're like, I like it more now than I did then. Or sometimes you're like, I didn't even like it the way I thought I liked it at the time. Yeah. It's so hard. I mean, maybe in like one or two years. But like, truthfully, I'm so new in comedy. I don't think I like deserve to have a special yet. Like I need to earn the time. Yeah. But yeah, you need your stripes. Like, just like when you were in the service. Just, just like that. Just like when you were in the service. Thank you for being that amazing. Yeah, I forgot. Your marine is what, that's what it was? Can you imagine if you did like Stolen Valor, who would say anything? That would be a great video on YouTube. Actually, when I used a walker. to get around. I didn't know it was, Veterans Day And I was wearing my friend's hoodie That said U.S. Marine on it I went to a Mexican restaurant With my friends And someone paid her a tab And came up and said Thank you for your service And I panicked And all I could think to say was Oh my god, any time Okay, they paid the tab Now, to make up for that Just tip well No You're right, no, those people don't deserve a good tip You are absolutely right, good for you Actually, that bothered me at the airport the other day They say, when they board People who need help getting on board Or Active duty military Why do they have to be fucking active? I think it should just be anyone that It's a weird thing to Differentiate to go, hey, no, no You gotta be active, right? If you find the military, fucking let them go On the boat The military chunk It's really strange I don't like it, it bothers me And then they do The thing that actually bothers me the most is When they do They'll do like People with disabilities, people that need help getting on board Active duty military And then they'll do families of small children No You don't even deserve to get on, fuck you guys No, you know what? Drive Get off the plane, drive You pig people He's got a little kid I can't stand that I could tell Yeah You can smell it on him Yeah, it's really bad He's got a beautiful little child A gorgeous little child And she's bilingual What, already? Well, because he's Spanish How old is she? She's three She's extremely cute, it's obnoxious The problem is As mediocre looking as he is The woman he married is stunning I've married real hot She's fucking beautiful And so they made a beautiful little girl And it bothers me Because of how low on the totem pole of looks he is Because usually it goes Two ugly people make a pretty person And two pretty people make a mediocre person But a pretty woman and a mediocre man It's a wild gamble And he won And that's another thing that makes me mad About working with him and employing him It pisses me off No, it's totally fair I'd be furious I'm pissed I'm pissed off And people at home don't know It's not McCone this week It's Fancy B, it's Andres That's so funny Because we don't have a camera on him So people don't know People think I'm maybe talking about McCone But McCone is stuck on the East Coast And he's not on the East Coast And he's not on the East Coast And we hope he gets stuck forever At least Fancy does Look, we're going to end the show Because I'm really, really pissed off right now And me Yeah No, it's honestly been a pleasure And I genuinely mean this I think you're very funny And I can't wait to see what you do next And I do hope I do hope those murder charges get dropped for you Because I don't think you deserve that It was an accident It was an accident, dude Things happen Yeah And you're right And you're on the road FionaCauley.com is probably what it is It's got to be, right? Christ it Yeah Go see her live, please She's probably going to be touring for the next few months And then she summers in Greece As we all know, on a boat We've seen the photos Yep We're excited about that I'm good on a boat You are good on a boat Yeah It kind of balances it out I know, I've got my lane legs So it's good to be out there, you know Go see her live We end the show the same way You look into that camera And you say one word or one phrase to end the episode So it used to be a word And then I said, oh, if you have a phrase Or something of wisdom to impart Or just a word, if you want to leave it at that You can do it whenever you're ready into that camera Okay I'm scared Sizzle In here We pour whisk Whisk Whisk Whisk Whisk Oh, that's good Creature in the ginger beard Sturdy Ginger Like vampires The ginger gene is a curse Gingers are beautiful You owe me five dollars for the whiskey And seventy-five dollars for the horse Gingers are hell no This whiskey is excellent Ginger I like gingers At Kroger, we love helping you save with pickup and delivery Right now, you can save even more on fresh favorites with exclusive online deals Like Kroger, you can save even more on fresh favorites with exclusive online deals Kroger brand 80-20 select packages of ground beef for just $3.99 a pound And fresh strawberries for only $1.99 a pound Plus, get $20 off your first online order of $75 or more Restrictions apply, see site for details Download the app or visit our website to get started Kroger, fresh for everyone This episode is brought to you by TXU Energy For the first time ever, Texans have an energy plan that combines free nights all year with daytime summer savings It's called Free Nights and Cool Summer Savings You get free nights every night, all year long Plus, a 25% bonus toward your daytime use all summer It's a first-of-its-kind plan, created for how Texans actually use energy Discover how much more you could save with Free Nights and Cool Summer TXU Energy, energy for everything Visit TXU.com for more information, rep number 10004