Fiona Cauley!

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage? Oh, yeah. It's that little show where we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find out if they're good to be classy. Yeah. Or if they're just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash, trash. I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here with Tooties in a new edition. It's Rice-a-Roni night, baby. Woo-wee. We're back. I'm going to eat the leftovers on the stove when it gets all coagulated and hard. Ooh, I like that crispy. Okay. A lot of food in the Tooties these days. My co-host coming in from right next to me. It's neither here nor there. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage? An international business. Man, king of the boards, king of the burbs, Kevin James Ryan. What up, gang? Shout out to you. As always, thanks for tuning in. Please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. Full video available over there on Spotify. And then, obviously, the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com. Slash Are You Garbage? You go over there, you join the 16,000 strong we got going on over here. Let's go, gang. And we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly, special guest here with us today for the first time. We've been wanting to have her forever. We finally got her in town because she's doing a garden this weekend. Wop, wop. Let's go. She's one of the big stars over there in that Kill Tony universe. Uh-huh. That ever-expanding Kill Tony universe. Give it up for the one and the only Fiona Cawley, everybody. Look at you. Hello. Here to determine whether you're garbage or not, as we said before we started recording, the crushed Celsius can. Not the best look. I like the emphasis you put on special guests. Normal, obviously. Normal, capable, regular guests. Nothing wrong, great, normal, average human. I had no idea what you were talking about. Let me ask you this real quick before we get started. Were you Red Bull before Celsius? Yeah. Well, I was Monster originally. Now you can't hide it, you can't hide it. Oh, Monster. White cane, green cane? Green, but like, you know, the BFGC. I know. It's what, they're like gigantic, and when you open it, it's like a twist-up, and like, BFC can. Is that big, does that stand for big fucking can? What the fuck, you were drinking that? Yeah. Oh, you got the Extendo, John? Brother, I had- A discontinued, extra-large, 32-ounce- It's discontinued. Yeah, you were the only one drinking it. Well, they were like, look what happened. Is that what happened to it? That's a lot. I used to have two of those a day, and then one normal size one for high school. Jesus. Did you drink coffee? Yeah. Did you have a coffee this morning? I, uh, yeah. You're gonna get a speeding ticket. Dude, I used to have a coffee machine in my bedroom in middle school. That's, and then, wait, you said you were 30? Yeah. So what year was that? That's like, mid-2000s? Yeah. That's the, dude, the kids are drinking coffees, it's crazy. Did you live in an extended stay hotel? That's insane. Why did you have a coffee machine in your room? Because my mom, my mom would drink most of the pot, so I wanted my own pot, and I had, like, a mini fridge with creamer in it, and I bought myself, yeah. You were buying your own creamer in junior high? Oh, yeah. Oh, honey. I've heard, a little bird told me, I've heard from interesting sources that this is a very sordid tale, so let's get into it. Give us the origin story. The Tennessee, I believe? Yeah. That's the extent of the research we do. Perfect. Take it away. You're American, I understand. That's a wrap, yes. So, tell us this. Tell us the whole thing. Born and raised Tennessee. Okay, born and raised, actually, from Franklin, Tennessee. Okay. And I don't know if you're familiar. That bustling metropolis? It is a very wealthy. Is that right? What'd your mom and dad do? So, my mom, when I was growing up, she kind of did, like, marketing for companies, and then my dad. And my dad, for a while, was an attorney, but. Defense attorney, or like a high pal? Criminal defense. Criminal defense. A criminal defense attorney in Tennessee? Yeah. Woo-wee. Get a lot of bootleggers off. Counselor Proust, the bitch. Was he like a high pal, was he doing like DUIs, or was he doing like murders and like, you know? I don't really know. He didn't actually work that much. What happened? That's a good attorney. Drugs and alcohol. Your dad? Yes. Oh, yeah. Let's go. Yeah. Shout out to him. It's like the Murdock murders, or whatever. Okay. Really? Yeah. I don't know what he's up to now. Really? You don't talk to your dad? No. No shit. Yeah. What was the drug of choice? I think, like, cocaine. Hmm. It's so funny. I just judged you on having a coffee pot. And now it's moisture. Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm like, I'm doing pretty good. I know. I was like, this lady's got her own coffee pot. She's killing it. So, when did your dad, did your dad leave the family? Yeah. Or ask to leave? No. He kind of did the, like, long goodbye. You know what I mean? No. What's a long goodbye? Kind of what you're doing. Right now? My parents divorced when I was nine. Okay. Nine-year-old divorced. But was everything kind of normal? Like, when did things go askew? When I was, like, five. Okay. Or four. So, you don't really remember normalcy? Yeah. Okay. Do you have brothers and sisters? I'm the middle. You're the middle. Yeah. Okay. All right. I have an older sister. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. I have a sister, four years older. Brother is five years younger. Okay. I gotta be honest. I am so enthralled in this already. I had no idea it was this long. It is so much. Okay. All right. So, leading up to. At what age you're five, is he doing drugs at that point? Is it some semblance of. I mean, all I have, my memory of my childhood is. She was five. She wasn't splitting bags with him. Yeah. I'm sure she's talked to somebody who's told her that maybe. When did it happen? I think it's. When did things start getting bumpy? I think it's always been. I think alcohol was the main thing. Ain't nothing wrong with that. Yeah. Goddamn American. That's just respectable. Sure. Yeah. No. Yeah. He had a big alcohol thing. But he was funny and nice. Hey. Hey. He wasn't an angry drunk. Got you. He wasn't hitting us or anything. Okay. And so, I just thought my mom was an asshole. What? What? I'm sorry. Okay. Okay. All right. Okay. She was an asshole. Chasing him away. Right. All right. So, they come and tell you at eight years old that you're getting a divorce. Nine years old. Hey, we're getting a divorce. They sit you down? She told me he was already gone. He was gone. Really? Yeah. He didn't say goodbye? Well, no. And then the court was like, "You have to see them sometimes." You know? Man. Yeah. Damn. Yeah. It was fun. So, it was your guy's fault? Obviously. Yeah. He was a party pooper. They made sure we knew. Yeah. Wow. Did you guys have to go and see him? Thursdays and every other weekend. Where was that at? Where did you see him? At first, he moved to a place called Columbia, Tennessee, which is where all divorced dads go. Okay. Did he have an apartment? Uh-huh. Yeah. It was like a section of an old house. Okay. So, he left you guys the house. You guys stayed in the house. Well, yeah. My mom worked. She was. She was. It was really her house. He took all our money, though, and left her with the three of us. Oh, really? And so, she then got fired from her job right when that happened, panicked, and she started her own company because she was like, "I'm never working for someone else." Yeah. Put herself in that position. Yeah. Did that company become successful? She is incredibly successful. Let's go. Let's fucking go. Let's go. Let's go. Okay. All right. But I didn't know that. She lied my whole life. About what? She told me we were broke, so I had a job. I love that. I know. You were working as a- Since I was 12 years old, I would lie about my age. I bought myself- Whole family full of liars if I'm being honest. Dude, I know. So, I bought myself a $500 piece of shit car, and I would drive it, and my mom was like, if you get pulled over, tell them you stole the car from me, and I was like, okay. What? Why? Yeah, because she'd get in trouble for letting me drive, but I was pretty good. How old were you? Oh. 12. 12? You were driving a car at 12? And your mom- Wait, hold on. 13. What? Yeah. To work. What was the job? Only to work and school. Who taught you how to drive? Guys, I'm not crazy. Where else does a 12-year-old do that? It wasn't for fun, okay? Yeah. I'm not out partying. Wait, your mom wouldn't drive you at 12 to work? She was working. She was busy. Fiona. I didn't think this was weird. You were building an empire. I would pick up my friends that were older than me for school. Did you ever get pulled over? Once. Did you look 13? Or did you look older when you were a kid? No. I've looked exactly like this, except I could walk, which was more convincing, I think. Okay. I was taller. Holy shit. All right. What was the job? The first one, I worked at a. Chinese restaurant. You're Chinese? It was owned by a Chinese family, so I was the only white person that worked there. Person not related to them. They were like, this 12-year-old wants to work. Well, I swear to God, they called me their white slave. Jesus. I got $5 an hour in cash. Cash. I don't hate that. What did you do there? I was a server. Okay. You're cooking? Yeah. She's screaming at Mandarin. Stop! Got the walk going. Okay. Jesus Christ. Holy shit. So you're working at a Chinese restaurant when you're 12, 13. That was the first one. Driving yourself. Yeah, they wouldn't give me Christmas Eve off. That's prime time season. That's when all the Jewish guys go out. That's commie shit. Literally my family my mom and them were all sad because I couldn't be at Christmas Eve dinner. So they all came in to eat so they could be with me and they were the only ones there, but the woman, the mom that ran this restaurant was not having it. Not having what? My family trying to be in there. Why? I don't fucking know. I have no idea. She was like go refill the soy sauces. So I'm sitting at a booth and I can see my family talking to them. She puts a fake tree between us so I can't see. Wait, you didn't even serve them? No. She made me do side work. Dude. Man. What the frig? Yeah. That's a tough cookie right there. Fun. Jesus. Well, if your mom would have told you you had cash, you wouldn't be working as a 12 year old in a Chinese restaurant driving yourself to work in a $500 car. But wild. Her mom's upset that she has to work Christmas Eve. She doesn't. Her mom knows she doesn't need to work Christmas Eve. Her mom's choosing to let her ruin the family's Christmas even though she's got more than $500. But maybe it was a teacher election. Anything for the bitch. She had to keep it going. You know, it's impressive. Sure. Yeah. What the fuck, man? We were broke. How, at this point, do you, what do I mean, was money tight or no? No. She was doing well at this point. Yeah. Well enough that she didn't need the $5 I will never know, like, the truth of when. When it started cooking. Yeah, but, I mean, I should have known. I didn't have, like, the context clue. Sure. Maturity, I guess, of it all. Like, my mom owns a historic home. Okay. In downtown Franklin, which adults are, you know, people with full brains are like, yeah, that means money. But I'm like, alright, I see. See doesn't work ever and our heat doesn't work so we are broke and she's like, see? You know? We didn't know. What kind of car did she drive back then? A Volvo. That's rich lady shit. That's smart, business owner reliable. I know. That's a Femporty car. Dude, now she's in a Maserati. Your mom drives a Maserati? Let's go. Is she a fucking drug dealer? Maybe. Yeah, maybe. Okay. Would they feed you at the Chinese restaurant? Yeah. Food good? Yeah. Did the brothers and sisters work? My sister did, but my brother is like the golden. Is he the younger? He didn't have to work. No. What's he do? Now? Yeah. He's a musician. Okay. And he's very talented. And he does some thing in data. It's like day job. Gotcha. Are you close with them? Yeah, I'm really close with them. I don't know what order to tell this story in. Any order you want. Like a Tarantino film. Okay, let's back up a little bit. Please. The floor is yours. When I was 15, my balance was bad all of a sudden. I was an athlete my whole life, and then I was falling, and I didn't know why. And I told my mom I thought something was wrong, but we weren't like a doctor family. We didn't go. I get that. She was a big anti-vaxxer and stuff. You know. Kids falling all over the place. I was like, I think something's wrong with me. But my older sister had scoliosis and other like smaller medical things. So she thought I was copying her for attention because I'm a middle child. You guys are nuts. Man, your mom is a tough cookie. Bro. That's vicious. Get up and go to work. I swear to God. And then I was like, okay. And then I go to high school and there I smell my breath for alcohol because of how I talk. And now I was walking and I was like, this can't be. Normal. And so I went to her again. Hey, I think something's wrong. This is like a couple years later. This is within the same year. Like I noticed it and then other people did. Didn't she notice it? No, she was like, you're a psycho. You're doing this on purpose. I used to like practice walking in a straight line in my room and I'd record it and I was like, I'm out of my mind. Like, I thought I was making it up and I couldn't even stop making it up when I was alone. That's, you know, I respect that level of lying. Yeah. I've lived in that before. That just rattled me to the core. Okay. So, um, my mom didn't believe me. I had a fever one time and I never forgave her. I talk about it all the time. She made me go to school. The principal called her in and said, what are you sending this child to school for? Then we walked outside. She's like, why don't you want to go to school? Still didn't believe me. This is nuts. It gets so much worse before it gets better. I love her stone cold just right thing. Strap in. She's like, this is the appetizer. Go ahead, please. So, uh, then I start being like, no, I really think something is wrong. She would ground me for walking weird. Um, and then I just kind of shut up about it. Can I ask what weird is? Is like how? Like I would not be able to. Okay. But do you have to like step up and grab something or was it like, yeah, like if there wasn't a railing, I couldn't use the stairs or like I was a server at other restaurants and I'd spill any liquid and everyone was like, why the fuck are you like this? I'm like, it's not the start for everyone. You guys all aren't. Everybody's like drinking. Yeah, they did. Like or like I worked at a place called frothy monkey, which is like, sounds like a strip club. I kept falling off the stage. Just holding on to the pole the whole time. Go ahead. Just going in circles. I can't. Is the room spinning for anyone else? Okay. Um, oh, and I was like captured just there because they were like, this girl can't carry food. And so, you know, I'd check people out and there was a Yelp review and they were like, great place, except they need to get rid of Emma stoned. Pretty good. Pretty good. Pretty good. I was like, so you think I'm pretty? So you think I'm a movie? I movie star quality? Okay. God damn. Okay. So, yeah. Your mom. When did she believe you? She still thinks she's fake. She's still like, you're really no. You're really hamming this thing up. She, uh, so I'm I went to kindergarten two times. Twice. So I was 18. I was 18 my whole senior year. Okay. Of high school. I think I was too. So I like figured out I could take myself to a doctor. And so I was like, okay. And so I secretly like got like a picture of her insurance card. So, you know, and I took myself to an ENT because I thought like inner ear equilibrium balance. So you dealt with this for three years? Yeah. Like I was like it fucked up my mental so bad. Like my reality was so confusing because I, you know, I just wanted to be told I wasn't making it up and I had to figure out by myself. So I went alone. I came to an ENT at 18. They were like, nothing's wrong with yours, but something is wrong. Finally, some validation. Right. And I'm like, thank God. You've been drinking tonight? Right. Gets a flashlight on you. I like now blow into this. You're drunk. Okay. Okay. They sent me to do a balance test, which is like goggles they put on you and your pupil have to follow whatever. So they were like, no, it's not this, but something. and they send me to a neurologist. Now, insurance does not cover that, so I was like, fuck. Did you go get your own insurance, did you say? No, I took a picture of my mom so I didn't have to involve her. She's devious, and I love that. That's great. She didn't pay attention to details on billing and stuff, so I knew it would be fine. Kimmy, let's talk about Brunt, baby. Brunt, Brunt, Brunt. 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Your preload photos before it ships. You can personalize your gift. You get a box included. What more is there? It takes all the. Listen, I probably shouldn't say this. I'm not a good gift giver. This is for people who aren't good at gifts. That's how good of a gift it is. It takes all of the guessing work out and they'll love it. It was named number one by Wirecutter. You can now save by visiting AuraFrames.com for a limited time. Listeners can get $35 off. Select frames plus free shipping with the code garbage at AuraFrames.com. Promo code garbage. Support the show. By mentioning us at checkout. Terms and conditions apply. Do it. Do it. Did your brother or sister know about this? No. Are you all on your own? Anyone believe you? Friend or anybody? No. Everyone thinks I'm full of shit. Oh, God. It's like really confusing. And so. If you went back and burned down the town like Carrie, that would be acceptable. I don't think anyone would be mad. The fucked up thing is I had such good grades, but I almost failed gym. I was in class because I couldn't run the mile. They didn't believe you either? Nobody stepped in and said, hey, there's something wrong with this child. Not a single person. Did you do anything before this to warrant this kind of suspicion? You're the boy who cried wolf. Yeah. Did you do anything, stuff like that? You ever fake a kidnapping or anything? No. Hide yourself down in a barn and say you were in a well? Well, my older sister told me, you remember in elementary school? Uh-huh. When they would do like vision tests at school? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She was like, hey, it'd be really fucking cool if you lied and got glasses because all the cool people wear glasses. So I was like, okay. Are those fake glasses? No, these are real. I need them now. So you fibbed on them? I lied about the glasses. You lied about. Did you get glasses then? Yeah, and they were thick and I couldn't see anything. And I wore them for like a year. Oh, my God. Did your mom find out that you were lying about that? Yeah. Well, then, yes. But it turned out I do have astigmatism in the eyes, so. That joke's on you, Ma. You wore bad glasses for a year. Yeah. But you're a kid. Kids are looking. I mean, I couldn't see. You dressed like Marty McFly for your whole high school career. Sure. And you could not fly. There was a lot of flies around. Eighteen. You were a nose-throat doctor. You get to the. You get to neurologist. But it's not covered. I have to tell her. Because it's expensive. It's very expensive. You tell your mom. Yeah, and she's pretty pissed that I've been doing this secretly. And she was like, because I knew I was doing so much research. And they were like, you're either going to need an MRI because you might have a tumor on your cerebellum. Which I'm, like, rooting for. Or it's a genetic disease. So, a genetic test. How long is this process going on? Like, from ENT to now? Two months, maybe. Two months. You're doing research on your own. Yeah. How's your social life at this time? Are you hanging out? Are you drinking? Are you. Oh, yeah. I partied. I partied a lot. I think I was coping with no one believing me. Of course. And I was dating, like, an old guy, which is weird. How old is old? Ten years. Ten years older than me? That's old. We started dating when I was 15. Oh, my God. Yeah. Where'd you meet him? Tennessee. At the park, he was slacklining and could do a backflip and laying on it. That's pretty fucking cool. What's slacklining? That's where you're going to hate it. It's those guys that tie the rope. The wars. It's like the ratchet strap type rope between trees. And then they, like, tightrope and bounce on it. You know, the kind of guys who date 15-year-olds. He had things that I couldn't do. Okay. That's a balanced death right there. He's hanging out at a park. You're a 15. He's 25. You're a 15-year-old kid. Yeah. Yeah. Who, from his eyes, drinks a lot. Yes. Yes. Big drinker. Holy shit. Yeah. Did your mom know about him? Yeah. Did she know he was 25? She approve of that? She didn't care. She didn't care. I know. She didn't care. She didn't care. I know. She didn't care. She didn't care. I know. and chooses is confusing huh she was busy busy yeah we're broke they're broke apparently thinking you're broke and having money is the craziest thing yeah my parents should have done we were broke but um okay so you go to her with the mri you gotta say hey i'm like will you pay for one of these she was like fine if you'll like drop this afterwards and she let me pick which test which test i picked genetic which is the right one right yeah that way you can blame her even more right bitch i get this you're with me i'm like you next asshole she said fine she paid for it takes three months for those to come back so i'm just waiting jesus the south take my time i know and then we she comes with me because they have news and um they're like you have this rare genetic disease called frederick's ataxia and this is why you walk this way and talk you know only 5 000 people in the u.s have it okay is it it's degenerative yeah okay yeah it's progressive like it gets worse did they tell you all that stuff yeah they were like you're gonna die whether i'm you're 35 or 40 and you're not gonna be able to speak see here talk about a face throw what'd you say to your mom i would look down and be like you see you fucking bitch i told you that's exactly what i did yes i couldn't even be sad i was like i was right fuck you fuck you like i was on my fuck you door did she break down start crying oh she was sobbing that's what you want that's what you want in the movie scene that you want you want your i mean you saying how confused you like that that's what like really god like just wanting some sort of support and validation and not getting that and then like that's the kind of victim i want it's like movie vindication are you ready for this not the best go ahead for you but she cries about it for maybe 10 minutes and then goes oh my god what's wrong with your sister we get her tested same fucking thing the girl i've been copying two years ago my little sister brother three yeah so all three of us now i feel bad for you I know. It's like a slow burn. Who's the bad guy? A slow burn. It's a long game. Jesus. Does it matter if you catch it early? No. Is there a newer medicine? Yes. Okay. That's a good thing. Really hoping for a positive answer. Stop asking. Let her give the medical information she wants to volunteer. You stop fishing. Go home. The dog's dead. Now, before we get to that, is there any history of this? This is the first time it's rearing its head. Yeah. Does it come from the mother's side or the father's side? Both. They're both carriers. And they just fucked each other and he left. It's not even like we got a good dad out of this. You don't talk to him at all? Uh-uh. Not at this point. No. I haven't talked to him. I haven't talked to him in like four years now. Before, it was like he texted me on my birthday. Like, our whole text was, it used to be happy birthday. And then it was like, happy day. And then it was HPD. Then it was just like an exclamation point. Were you still seeing him on Thursdays and all that stuff? Well. When did that stop? He tried to relinquish custody and the court wouldn't let him. What the fuck? I don't get that part of it. I didn't know that until now. Like, I didn't realize that was what was happening. Man, what a fucking dickhead. Yeah. Sorry. I don't mean to shit on your dad. No. I get it. I think she's okay with it. I mean. Oh, shit. Okay. So, you're 18 at this point. You get diagnosed. Do they start you on a medication? No. There was nothing when I was diagnosed. So, this was it? Right. I was like. So, now you're facing. I was like. I was like. You're facing your mortality. Right. I thought this was something they'd fix. And then I'd go to college to play volleyball. Like, I didn't think. Even when they explained it, I was like, whatever. Science will figure it out. You know. So, you weren't freaking out? No. Until about a week later. And then I started Googling it. And I was like, okay. This is maybe the worst thing they could have told me. And there was no. No medical. You got the face throw, though. Yeah. That's true. That was where I did. That was. That's a three-year. Yeah. Built up, man. And the best part. The day I was diagnosed, my father actually showed up. And I was like, whoa, what? He had a random woman with him in his car. And I was like, hey, I'm glad you're here. But, like, who the fuck. Who the fuck is that? Did he show up because he was picking up mail? Or did he find out that you got diagnosed? I guess he was just invited to, like, the final appointment. It was at the doctor's. Oh. Yeah. But he had a random woman in his car that I saw. You sat on the car? Fucking neurological thing. My mom wouldn't let her in the room, obviously. Skank. But my car was parked near his, so I saw her. And I was like, who's that? Like, what? And he goes, oh, sorry. She just gets, like, really horny when she's sad. So I thought this would be a good opportunity. Are you fucking kidding me? That's what your dad said to you on the day you get diagnosed? Lemons and lemonade, right? Also, did you drive yourself to this? Yeah. That's crazy. I mean, at some point. Well, where was your mom? At work? She drove from work? I don't remember. Or did you both leave from the house in your cars? I did not, like. You shouldn't have been driving either way. At some point, your mom's going to go, you know what, maybe I'll go. Yeah. I couldn't find the brake, and I thought everyone had a hard time with that. So you got diagnosed and then drove yourself home? Yeah. And your dad got laid? Yeah. In the car. Hell, yeah. Someone needs you. He comes out in a lab coat. All right. Okay. Oh. What a, I mean. So no volleyball? No. Why volleyball? Would you play volleyball in high school? It was my favorite. I was super athletic. So I think that's why. That's why I was like, something is wrong. Right. Like, my older sister was a big, like, book person. She was, she's smart. That's real Tennessee. She was a big book person. Reading and such. Okay. So what happens from 18 on? Well, I went to college immediately. Where'd you go? UT Chattanooga. Okay. Okay. What was the major? Was that main campus? No, Knoxville. No, Knoxville. Right. I don't think you would put Chattanooga in there. It was UT. Oh, yeah. It was true. It was main campus. What was the major? Graphic design. Okay. You said that with a smile. Well, I. What's that all? I mean, that's a major, no? I wanted to do, like, banding and drawing, which is stupid, too. But they were like, your hands aren't going to work. Do you want to call the inventor of the shaky house? I swear to God, they were like, your hands aren't going to work eventually. No, I didn't even put that together. I was just like, that's an average. That's a favorable job. Okay. I chose graphic design because I was like Stephen Hawking's Brisbane forever, and so I can do that shit, you know? So I majored in that. I was very depressed. Depressed. So you just have to cope with the symptoms as the diagnosis. Oh, and I'm still trying to, like, hide it because I don't want to scare boys. Are you walking around? Yeah. Okay. But everyone's staring. Like, it's not easy. And so I'm just, like, trying to, like, walk. When no one's looking. Canes, crutches, anything? Eventually cane, but that's just because they wouldn't serve me in bars. I mean, that's a pure dirtbag, too. Yeah. So you were out drinking. Oh, a lot. Were you partying? Going to parties? I was partying. Hooking up dudes, all that stuff? I was a whore, yeah. Welcome to the show. I thought I was dying. Right. Yeah. So I'm like, I'm going to fuck as many people as I can before no one wants to. I didn't know what I was going to look like. Now I'm married. Now I'm married. Sorry about your earmuffs. It's a gazold he can't hear you. Matty! You got a type. You like him 10 years older, too, by the way. Wow. Okay. Does he do slick lining or anything like that? Slack line. Slack line. Slick. Yeah. What kind of weird things is he into? All right. So did you graduate college? Were you living on campus or were you commuting? The first year I lived on campus and then I worked three jobs. You still work? Your mom's still having you fucking work? Yeah. What the fuck is wrong with this lady? I found out she was wealthy because to get into college, you have to fill out a FAFSA and I need her information. Did you apply to college yourself and all that stuff? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I thought I would get all these like grants and shit because we're broke. She makes it a familiar. And I qualified for nothing that wasn't grade based and I was like, what the fuck? And she was still trying to make it sound like she made more or less. Less than she did. But you have the numbers. Yeah. You don't have to give out the number, but like, what are we talking? Like. Millions. She was making millions of dollars? I'm like. I did not think that. You're making millions of dollars. You're 30. You're 13 buying a $500 car working. You're sick. She's not denying it. Did you pay for school? Did she pay for school? She paid for school. At least she can fucking do it this point. No, I wasn't. Have you applied to college yourself and all that stuff? Yeah. Man, I would. You are. She created a workout thing. A hundred percent. Which it's like, there are definitely parts of it that are, you're like, that's bad parenting. I gotta be honest with you. A lot of it sounds like that. Yeah. But I'll tell you what, how you responded to it and how you worked out. You have my ultimate respect. You are a rock solid human being. Yeah. I would have went the complete opposite way. I was kind of thinking that when you were going. One hundred percent. I'm like, dude, one of these speed bumps, you would have been fucking a suicide by cop. Yeah. My God. I'm such a bitch. It's crazy. All right. You are something else. Thank you. Yeah, very wildly. I mean, just the resilience is fucking, I'll put that also to be like, yeah, I'm still out fucking and drinking, but it's like awesome. Getting the cane that wouldn't serve me a bar. I am. But wow, Kevin, let's talk about square, square, square, square support for today's episode comes from the good people at square, the system powering like half the places you go. If you've ever tapped to pay and thought, wow, that was fast. Well, it was probably square. Whether you're selling lattes, cutting hair, detailing cars or running a design studio, square helps you run your business without running yourself into the ground. And right now, listeners can get up to two hundred dollars. Off square hardware. When you sign up at square dot com slash go slash garbage, that's square s q u a r e dot com slash go slash garbage. Visit square to get started because the right tools make all the difference. Listen, top down. 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Required terms and limits apply. Go to Chime dot com slash your closures for details. Do it. Yeah. What are the jobs you have in college? Okay. So I was a hostess, which was hard for me. You mean running around a restaurant? Literally. I'm sorry to cut you off, but now you're diagnosed. The school's aware of your condition, right? Do they? I didn't tell them. I didn't want special treatment. I don't fucking know because I would have had a fucking golf club. All my friends. I don't get it. The part that fucked with me after diagnosis is I'm just stoked to have a name for what I knew was wrong, but I didn't feel any different about myself than I did the day before I was diagnosed, and now everyone around me feels like, and I fucking hated that, and I was like, I'm not going to let that. Yeah, I don't want that to be everybody's interpretation of me. I don't know how long. Right. I can, like, trick people into thinking I'm not disabled, but I'm going to do it as long as I can. Uh-huh. Jesus. And is this, had you started any medication yet? No. So you- There was nothing. In your head, you're- I'm hurtling towards death, and I'm not, yeah. I'm like, why am I in college? I can't believe that didn't cross my mind. Yeah, that makes sense. I'd be like, yeah, fuck my- All them dudes. Yeah. Easy picking. Ah, man. Okay. You graduated. Yeah. You're working the whole time you're in college. Yeah. You going home for holidays and shit like that? Some of them, yeah. So you're on your own. Do you have a boyfriend then? Ugh, yeah. What did he do? Evangelical. He was not in college. Of course. That's always such a, hanging out with people that aren't in college when you're in college is so definitive. What happened to the 25-year-old? When did you lose him? And did you tell him about the diagnosis? Bro. Okay, so that guy, actually, he thought, like, once I started trying to figure out what was wrong with me, he also thought something was wrong with me. He believed you. Wrong with me. He did. Because I couldn't slackline. This boy cannot keep her balance. But he thought I had, like, muscular dystrophy, which isn't too far off, actually. And once I got diagnosed- And once I got diagnosed, he was excited because he didn't want me to leave and go to college. He wanted me to stay in Franklin. Oh my god. So he was, like, stealing my birth control and shit. To get you pregnant? Uh-huh. So I started secretly taking birth control on the side. That's like a double agent. I don't know who you're working for. Hey, this guy, you get the diagnosis, so he loved you. Or is it some version of control or something? Yeah, it was- Was he nice to you? What'd he do for a living? Slackline, dude. He's 25. He was unemployed a lot. He was really into, like- A guy hanging in the park dating children. Oh my god, I never- What did he do for a living? Fiona, nothing. He didn't do anything. Selling birth control on the side, apparently. Loose pills. I've never- Did you ever live with a baby? I've never lived with him. No. But he lived with his parents when I met him. And then his parents eventually were like, we don't want a 15-year-old at the house. So he moved out. All the logical people you've explained so far are his parents. Yeah. Kinda. Sorry, man. They were a seven-day adventist. What's that? It's not- Is that slacklining? That's the pro slackline team. In Franklin, Tennessee. The seven-day evangelist. Oh, seven-day evangelist. Oh, that was it. Okay, I mean- All right, so you stopped dating him? Wait, so he gets kicked out of his house. Well, he gets an apartment closer to where my mom lives. All this keep- Stay with you. Yeah. I give him credit. He moved out of his parents' house for you. Shit. I mean, yeah, that's good. I never lived with him, but when I got diagnosed again, he still- I always joked, because he thinks that means I'm not going anywhere, and I'm definitely leaving. Like, I was, like, starting to realize it was weird that he was dating me, and- Peace out together all yourself, huh? Yeah. It took me three years. Your dad and him are hanging out. Okay. He, uh, and then when I got into college, he lost his shit. Like, he got so mad. That's control stuff, huh? Mm-hmm. And I broke up with him, and it was all, no one's going to want you. You're disabled. What? Yeah. Yeah. This guy's a dickhead. Yeah. Not just a creep and a pedophile. He's also mean. So many people have said that exact thing to me. I'm like, okay. What? I'm like, no one's going to want you. Like, guys, you were dating or whatever? Who said that to you? Any guy I broke up with. That's, like, their favorite line. I mean, I respect that. Yeah. It's hack at this point. I respect that. Yeah, I'm like, okay. I, like, close them. Gotcha. Wow. Yeah, but then, like, he. Top of all this, she's a heartbreaker lately. I know. What the fuck? Going around. Wow. All right. So, who was the guy at college that you were with? He was age appropriate. But didn't go to college. No. He was, like, two years older than me. But you had somebody. Yeah, but he was the worst. Where did you meet him? At a bar. My mom actually set us up. We went to high school together, but, like, didn't know each other then. And he still lived in Franklin with his mom. You had an off-campus boyfriend in college that your mom set you up with? Probably took you half an hour to get to class. You got to go all the way back there to see this guy? Two hours. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. What did he do? What was his story? He was a chef. A chef? Okay. Yeah, and I was. A cook or a chef? A cook. A chef. A chef? Yeah, like, Michelin star. What? I know. He's a Michelin star chef. Yeah. Or he worked at a Michelin star restaurant. Still pretty good. Yeah, he was. I got to give him that. He was a very. He didn't eat at one, let alone fucking work at one. But he was, like, cheating on me the whole time, obviously. I don't trust chefs. I've never heard anybody say that. We'll live and die by that. I'll tell you shortly. A shifty bunch. Yeah. They're all fucked up. Yeah. He was addicted to coke. Sure. I saw my father in it. Comedians are fucked up, too. Yeah. I put my hand up. 100%. I get it. But I didn't realize it, because I wasn't really doing drugs. Like, I tried coke in college for the first time, and I could do a cartwheel. And so I was like, this is amazing. Yeah. Yeah. I went to my. I went to my neurologist and told him. You ever do cartwheels? It's a gay bar. Hey, coke used to be a medicine, right? Yeah. Yeah. To deal with emotional trauma. What did your doctor say? Two lines a day and call me. He shot you down? He was like, that is really interesting, but also, do not forget, you have a heart problem. You have a heart problem? Yeah. Yeah. What is it? It's part of the. It's part of this. Oh, okay. No, it's like a fun. Yeah, it comes with a goodie bag. Sure. It's a feature. Yeah. An option. Oh, man. Okay. So he nixed the cocaine. Have they given you anything? No. I'm still like, oh, my God, I'm dying. Are you talking to anybody, like a therapist, about coping with any of nothing? I've never done therapy. That's on me. I mean, you're doing. You're handling it, you know, seemingly well. You have an outlet. Definitely on the outside. - Yeah, I was not good on the inside. at that point i was like losing my mind and then me and the chef broke up because it's so embarrassing i found out he was cheating on me i didn't break up with him and then a month later he broke up with me for not breaking up with him i don't that is a dirtbag i'm an idiot that was so stupid dude yeah and then i got really drunk and sad on valentine's day it was right before then my friend was throwing an anti-valentine's day house party and bands and shit were going so i showed up and there's like a flyer on the front door with the bands that are playing and then it said comedian fiona collie and i was like the fuck is this and all my friends have been trying to kind of push me into doing stand-up for a while but i was so scared i took a bunch of shots and then i had to do did you did you were you telling me you wanted to be a comedian or no i didn't want to i just thought you were funny yeah and so literally there are like 50 people in this like big house everyone says crisscross applesauce on the ground i sit in like a sofa chair you know and like lean my cane up against it and and do a microphone just talk shit about the chef and it went well and i was like okay i'm never doing this again and i got tricked a couple more times and then i was like fine wow and okay this is in school when did you start going on like open mics and stuff like that or did you no i um i got i'm a shit face in atlanta pattern i'm a couple older you know um in atlanta for a clinical trial and i brought a friend with me and we went to the punchline okay yeah yeah and just to watch and they were doing a bug spot which i didn't know what that was and i went to the bathroom and came back my friend had secretly put my name in the fucking bucket and they pulled my name out and i had to go up and do that and then the book or whoever it was that the time was like do you do comedy in there and i was like no and then i couldn't do the clinical trial because my veins were too small from being hung over wait what yeah it's like a thing like you're dehydrated maybe is that what it is they were like you have the veins of a cancer patient insane level of trash to go down to a clinical trial to fix your degenerative disease and not be able to do you go get fucked up at an open mic that's connected to a diner shout out to the punchline wow i know i'm a weird one man no no interesting trashy i like it that's zillion i mean yeah and then what happened with the booker oh nothing i never followed up on that i was like no fucking way yeah no that was good and then i i really eventually started doing comedy i moved back to nashville after graduating college okay and then for a job um i cannot say okay i got fired for being in a wheelchair and i signed a thing cool but i got i bought a house you got paid sick and after that i was very sad again wait hold on you got fired for being in a wheelchair because i got hired during covid okay so it was all zoom i don't need telling you i still love you just kind of fucking no i love you doing that no shit then you show it the first day you're you make your background so wait hold on what did you what did you get into the wheelchair uh full time i was just i was doing part-time there is that is the thing i swear no for sure full time about five years okay so in college or right out of college right now okay so right out of college your wheelchair covid hits you get this job yeah you're working over zoom covid's done you show up to work the first day i'm in shock and i'm like what do you think my voice was about i just thought you were drunk but yeah so i get fired i'm like why am i back in nashville this is crazy lawsuit i assume well no because i couldn't afford an attorney uh-huh yeah my dad's an attorney your mom's a millionaire they just bought you out or they pay settlement settlement they give you a settlement yeah okay and then i started my own graphic design company love that and how what are you 24 25 oh my god yeah 24 buy a house yeah bang yeah have you always been good with your money i assume no really i'm really bad i don't know i give it away i panic i don't give it away to who uh matt who's your husband no i don't know i don't it all just it's not like i'm investing i have no idea how any of that works so you're not blowing it necessarily no no you're not like buying a speedboat or something i only shop on amazon okay okay it's good i'm cheap you bought a house you mean well you bought a house yes i'm still in the house no i sold it recently me and matt just bought a condo right next to zany's in nashville love that shout out to shout out the good folks at zany's of course all right you start your own design firm how does that go really well i hired someone like we were we were cooking i was making good money and then like i wasn't really getting out of the house if it weren't for work and my friends were like hey you need to like find a thing but you had friends in nashville yeah yeah yeah where were they from from school from college from college so you had a social network but you were living alone and that no i was living with a friend at that point in your house uh yes in the house that you bought you let the friend live there for free no all right but for you okay yeah covered the bills a little and you're working from home yeah and she was your connection to that friend group so it's like let's get you out of the house so go ahead and she's like you should try to go to this open mic i found it online i was like i'm scared but okay so then i go it goes well i get booked on my first paid show that night and i'm like okay i'm gonna like do comedy it's a hobby like get new people whatever and so i got like obsessed with it really quick and then my friends started presenting me yeah for like spending all my time doing that and like that's all i wanted to talk about and i'm like this is your fault you know and then like i feel bad but like financially i was doing we were making money with this company but i didn't want it anymore i'd rather make 50 bucks doing it you know like figure it out so i slowly start getting back on work and clients and my and comedy became full-time. Eventually, I had to shut it down. I took, like, a huge pay cut to, like, do comedy, but I was paying my bills. Is this pre-Kill Tony? Yeah. This is before Kill Tony. Right. Like, I was, like, do you say numbers on this? Whatever you want to speak. I was making, like, three grand. A week. A month. A month. I'm sorry. I meant a month. You're making three grand a month doing comedy, not just in Nashville. You were starting to work. Right. Just drivable. Yeah, that's pretty good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I was, like, I'm doing it. That's pretty good. Great. I thought it was, like, a success. I mean, for a stand-up comedian, that is a success. I was, like, this is the best I could be doing. Yeah, you're making a name for yourself locally. Right. Gotcha. Okay. And so, you know, I had, like, 38,000 followers. Like, I was, like, I'm famous. I'm with you. Do you say numbers on this? $3,000. Yeah. Okay. I don't want to make anyone jealous. I thought she was going to be like, I was making 500 grand a day. Did I mention Amazon.com? Go ahead. And then I didn't know what Keltoni was, but I had an uncle. This guy. It's the first time you're mentioning an uncle. He's for sure sketchy. He's literally a shaman. A shaman? What are they? Is that, like, a cook? We don't deal with chefs anymore. They do, like, ayahuasca recipes. treats and like guide you is this your father's uncle father's brother this is i don't talk to my dad's side okay they're all so it's your mom's brother well it's here we go it's you're not you're not related to this guy i'm crying uh it's my mom's brother's wife's brother your mom's brother's uncle lucas that's not your i love him okay he's a good guy though we dated for a while significantly older than me okay so he does what he tells you about kill tony yeah he's like you'd be so good on this show and he like shows me a part of an episode i'm like what the fuck is i'm like this is not coming no i was like okay i mean i'll try i guess and so then i get back to nashville i find out during the nashville comedy festival tone exhibit i'm being down in town i am friends with the owner of zany's at this point i'm like hey yes good man great man friend of the program and he uh i was like can you introduce me to tony and he was like for sure so again to one of the after parties tony shows up i'm pretty drunk i'm doing cartwheels coked out of my mind if y'all ever see me doing cartwheels you know what's up um talk about a hard come down um but i'm at this after party bar thing i see tony and i grab dorf and i'm like get him and he goes tony i need you to meet fiona hilarious nashville community and he like takes a knee to talk to me and his little puffer vest and he uh i love i love this subtle shot shut up to tony he looks at me and i was like hey you should put me on your show and he goes you're pretty hot for a girl this is like there's like two lions oh yeah dude um i'm also really funny and he was like okay i'll give you a chance and i was like really and he goes yeah and i told him when i was coming out and he was like all right just damn me blah and so we did and at this point i'm dating mad i'm a brand new day to him and he and i are out there i run out of money like for these hotels and shit and i'm like hold on a second how long did you go out there for we're out there for like a week which was stupid but i was like i'm gonna try to do spotting spots everywhere and we did and it was good but hotels are expensive so we're both like fuck i'm out of money and i will say i called my mom and she swooped in and gave me money for a hotel so i could stay for kill tony you're when you say out of money out of money out of money the budget that you had for that no like i had no money huh yeah so we're getting like hotels like night by night what do you mean yeah yeah i was gonna say because you typically pay for the hotel well i was like maybe maybe you'll make money i mean matt was a nashville comic as well yes got it yes but my mom sent me money for a hotel room and i was like thank god because i think it was like it was like the option but either i pay for this hotel or i eat you know what i mean like that was the situation we've been there of course yeah we um i damn tony day of kill tony i don't know if he's gonna ever play like he doesn't even follow me you know and uh he responds real nice he's like excited whatever we show up mothership is very scary um you know i'm panicking joe rogan walks in i'm like fuck no i don't know it's that you know i do like a weird way and i was like um but yeah it's nice to meet you yeah it was like you killed yeah yeah it was the best like interviews that i'd ever had and i like blacked out not from drinking but i was like so scared comedy yeah wow i mean epic a wild inspired i mean amazing story that arrested you it's history but stone cold dirt bag it's crazy it's like genetically in you to be a dirt bag it's wild at every level that took a turn man the ayahuasca fake uncle is i think the savior he's the moral compass of the tale yeah yeah wow great i mean yeah wild amazing but again tennessee trash through and through oh for sure that's crazy thank you so much yeah thank you what thank you for sharing i guess this is the first episode we've ever not one question i mean early on i think we got to like a little bit yeah just like easy background stuff but man what a fucking tale jesus good for you yeah we love you congratulations thank you for doing this anything you want the folks out there to know what you got coming up um i'm on tour all tickets are at fiona collie.com and i have a podcast with my husband matt taylor maddie taylor called ramping up let's go they're having a good time yeah how you doing now cash is coming in plenty of money for hotels now huh three thousand a month long way from five dollars an hour at the chinese restaurant yeah look at you it's crazy how's your how's your how's things with you and your mom now you're really good cool she uh i think comedy helped sure because i am very honest about how it was and she now acknowledges that yeah and she's like fuck and she tells me she deserves me to talk like this about her yeah she's in therapy she's off we're very close now she is mago with is hard she's what a mega mom ah i got you she like owns swag i'm like i'd be shocked if i don't already man amazing so it all worked out yeah yeah man you're tough you know that very very very inspiring fiona collie everybody let's go fiona we love you thank you for doing the show Gang, we love you. See you in three days. Peace.