Finding God’s Strength and Purpose Through Chronic Illness – Mandy Meehan

Hi, friends. I'm your host, Stephanie Daniels, and you're listening to the Johnny and Friends Ministry podcast. We're sharing hope as we answer real questions about disability. Join us every week for an honest and encouraging conversation, along with practical ways to include people with disability in your church and community. So grab a seat and let's jump in. Disability can strike us at any point during our lives. We are healthy until one day we're not. That was the experience of Mandy Nian. She was working in ministry and about to get married when she felt ill with a mysterious illness that sent her on a desperate journey pursuing wellness. Mandy practices functional nutrition therapy and is deeply passionate about helping women with chronic fatigue find hope and healing through the power of nutritional therapy. She lives in Oklahoma with her husband James and two precious kiddos, Jace and Micah, and we are so excited to have you with us today, Mandy. Welcome to the podcast. Thank you so much, Stephanie. It is truly, truly such an honor to get to be on and share today. Wonderful. Well, could you tell us a bit about your background and what life looked like before you started experiencing health challenges? For sure. So I grew up in a big family. I'm one of six kids and my parents were in ministry and just church was, you know, biggest part of our life and still really is kind of consistent there. But growing up, I mean, I had a great childhood. I was homeschooled. I had an incredible Christian family, Christian parents. I was super active. I was a dancer. I thought I was going to dance for the rest of my life for a while. I was busy with all of my things. Post high school was when I got to ministry as a youth pastor. And then soon after that, things really took a change. So church was life and you were full speed ahead. So when did you first notice symptoms of chronic illness and what were those initial stages like for you? It was really just two weeks before I married my husband that things really changed for me. So originally, I was just feeling sick. My energy levels just weren't quite right. And eventually, it turned like, okay, something's going on. I kind of reluctantly went to urgent care and got diagnosed with mono and cried to my little urgent care doctor like, I'm getting married in a couple weeks. This is not this is not really ideal timing. But thankfully, like my wedding still went great. My honeymoon and all that was wonderful. When you get sick, you seem to get better. We assumed I'd get better with time. But really what I didn't know at the time was there was truly so much more going on than just mono. And it was kind of the perfect storm that led to my chronic illness developing. And it turned into now what I know as chronic fatigue syndrome is kind of like the big umbrella term that I use. And I often use that term because if you look at the symptoms really encompasses kind of what my life is like. And now we know like Lyme disease and multiple co-infections of Lyme and maltoxicity and dysautonomia and muscle activation, you know, you know how it can be with kind of list. So much figure out everything going on. I was 20 years old when I got married and it was not what I was expecting or planning for sure. 100%. I think, you know, it's so easy to chalk that up to you. Okay, well, we're just doing a lot. I'm planning a wedding. Then it's easy to just think, Oh, I'm just run down. So, wow. So it started out as mono and has developed into a lot of other things. So how hard was that getting sick right before your wedding? I mean, I know it's got, it's got to put a damper on things. Yeah, it's a good question. It's kind of interesting because I think the emotions of things really shifted and changed a lot over that first year and especially that first six months. Whenever I first got sick before the wedding, it was definitely disappointing. I definitely had to, you know, cry it out for a little bit. And then I had to pick myself up and just say, it's still going to be great. We're going to do it. I did everything that I could to, you know, support my body. Got a little B12 shot before to give me, you know, walk down the aisle, you know, and in my mind at that time, it was, okay, we'll just get through this and we'll still enjoy the day as best as we can. And then, then I'll be good. And then I'll just enjoy my life being an incredible wife and ministry with my husband. And I was just like, okay, we'll get through this and then we'll be good to go. So getting back from the honeymoon, I really tried to go back into normal life. And it was really over those first six months realizing that things are not getting better. In fact, things are getting worse. And I am not only not able to be the wife or the pastor that I want to be, I also am barely able to take care of myself is really during that time. It's like, okay, what is going on? I need this to end soon. Yeah. And that's when the anxiety of it really started to set in. Yeah. So it was very much evolving emotions until I got to that point of, this is really not good. Yeah. I can very much bear witness with that going into that season of your life. You're so excited. And then you just hit a brick wall with something that you were not expecting. I know that was so difficult. How did you go about finding a diagnosis and what emotions, I know you mentioned anxiety, but what emotions did you experience when you first learned you were dealing with chronic fatigue and Lyme disease? It being an eight plus year journey now, there's so many layers of learning and trying to figure it out. It was at the year mark that I went to the Mayo Clinic and got the chronic fatigue syndrome diagnosis and also fibromyalgia at that time. And that felt honestly good at that point to feel validated, to people to have some kind of way to explain to people what was going on with me. I knew at the time, I'm like, this doesn't explain why I'm sick or how to get better, but at least I kind of have that validation behind it. And I mean, literally the Lyme part of the diagnosis and the infections related to that took about six years. So many of the difficult emotions I had to process through in those first couple years is what is going wrong. Personally, I don't believe the body just breaks, especially with my kind of illness. I was healthy then I wasn't. Something's going on here. Like this is some kind of manmade illness. If I got sick, I should be able to get better. And so believing that, but trying to figure that out was very complicated. And, you know, we'll get into it later, but it's part of why I'm so passionate about what I do now is because I want to help people figure out what actually is going on quicker than it took me. Yeah. Well, and I know sometimes in that waiting season of trying to find answers, it's so easy to Google, what could this be? I'm having these symptoms. It makes me think of the scripture in Proverbs three, five through six, trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways, acknowledge him and he'll direct your paths and make them straight. And it sounds like he definitely did that for you with leading you to the Mayo Clinic to seek answers. How would you maybe encourage somebody who is in that place of digging for answers and they just don't know what's going on? Right. You know, for me, a big thing I just want to encourage people with the complex chronic illness, the autoimmune type illness is that there are answers out there because what I really quickly discovered when I got sick and eventually I realized, oh, wow, there's so many people out there who struggle with chronic illness. I was completely unaware before. There's just such a, unfortunately, a lack of hope so often in that community. People are told that they can never get better and that there's nothing that they can do at Mayo Clinic. They told me like, Hey, here's classes to kind of learn how to cope with your disease. And I never went to those classes because I want to spend my money on getting better and I obviously go up and process the emotions and pace and all that's really important too. So yeah, first I would say have hope that there are answers for so many people. So many people can at least take some kind of step to have improvement. Obviously, everybody can be a little bit different, but then also like you're saying in those waiting seasons, being able to go to the Lord and be able to process all of those emotions and frustrations with him or so much, I can say here for me, really deciding that in the midst of the waiting that I would find ways to allow God to use that difficult time that was really helpful for me. Obviously, I hope to help other people in that mindset, but really, really helped me just knowing that there was purpose in my pain. That's such an encouraging word and I just hope people who might find themselves in this hopeless space would be encouraged by that and know that there's purpose in this and there are answers. So when you are newly married and coming to terms with all of these things going on in your body, were you still working at this point? Yes, I was and continued to try my best to work for about six months and then it got to that point where it just was clear that I couldn't do that anymore. And for our listeners who may not know, you kind of explained some of the symptoms that you were feeling, but for those who may not know what Lyme disease or chronic fatigue syndrome are, can you kind of explain how these conditions affect you day to day? Yeah, it's funny because in some ways, chronic fatigue syndrome is a great name in other ways. It's a terrible name because I remember in the early days when I tell people they'd say, oh, I'm really tired a lot. I have a lot of fatigue and you're like, yeah, I was tired before too, but you have a hard time figuring out how to explain. So I mean, it really, for me, it impacts every system of my body. So the fatigue is huge for sure, where I'm very currently limited in my capacity to exert myself in any way. I'm not able to walk for very long, not able to do many household chores at all. Then like I said, every system so digestive issues, a lot of neurological symptoms for me. So like balancing coordination, sometimes brain fog. I posted on my Instagram before I've got all my little remedies here to help my mental focus before this conversation. Yeah. But chronic pain, joint pain, the list can't go on. It took quite some time for me to really be able to verbalize, oh, this is a disability. Being able to use that language has actually really helped me explain to people this is how it impacts my life. Wow. How hard was it to verbalize that? It was pretty hard. I was thinking about it the other day and everything's been such a process. I feel like I remember saying it out loud for the first time around like the four year mark. And then it really wasn't until I had my son that I started to embrace that a little bit more. And you know, I'm like, okay, I'm not going to be able to go to the zoo with my son if I don't use a wheelchair. And it was like, well, I've been so hesitant to do this kind of thing. But now it's for my son, of course, I will. As I started to open up to using accommodations like that by the seven year mark, I was like, yeah, I should actually probably start talking about this more because I think a lot of people with invisible disability feel the same way where, you know, there's hesitation to talk about it or use some of those accommodations out of fear of what people might think. And then feeling like you are giving in or giving up. Yeah, I think I can so understand that because you do, you want to fight, you want to have faith, and it is easy to feel like, you know what, I'm just throwing in the towel on this. When, I mean, these resources are there to help people shouldn't feel bad about needing to utilize what has been created for our life, right? So what were some of the biggest challenges you faced in managing chronic illness and how did you begin to approach them? Oh man, I feel like there's so many examples that I can give that I don't even know if I know exactly where to start. In the beginning, I feel like I was in denial for a little bit and I really wasn't sharing with people what was going on. And that was really not wise or not helpful for sure. So that was one of the first really big hurdles in my mind. I was like, I'm just going to deal with this quickly and quietly basically and then get back to my life. And then at that six month mark where I had to stop working. And at that point, I knew, okay, I'm going to have to change something or else I'm going to be completely isolated. It's something really changed in me then. I felt God prompt me to start sharing my story on YouTube. Actually, I don't post on YouTube right now, but I did for a while. And my family, they were all shocked because I was such a private person before and suddenly I'm sharing everything basically about what was going on, depending on the topic. I could share so many things, but that was a big hurdle in the beginning. Well, right off, I mean, just as you were sharing, I was thinking isolation and then you said the word. I think so many people suffer in silence and in isolation and need help. Nobody around you knows that you need help until you say something. And I just, you see people start to thrive in community. And so I can imagine that was a really huge challenge for you. But I'm glad you started sharing your story because you're impacting so many people through your social channels. So were there any resources that became essential for you as you navigated your health journey? Oh man, so many community like we're talking about, time with the Lord, time processing those emotions. And then I pretty early on started reading a lot of books. When I started YouTube, I wasn't planning on talking about nutrition and becoming this nutrition person, but I just was kind of studying to try to help myself feel and that became my career today. But yeah, man, resources. Let me throw this out. When did you first learn about our founder, Johnny Erickson Tata? Absolutely. I love that you are asking me this. So we got to read as a part of our homeschool curriculum, Johnny's autobiography when I was in middle school. And I remember whenever I read it, being so impacted and inspired thinking like this is the kind of person I'm already going to get emotional. This is the kind of person that I want to be like, what a way to respond to such a tragic event and circumstances. I was very aware and very inspired early on. And then it was actually at the Mayo Clinic. I wasn't even thinking about any kind of connection to how this is relevant to me today. But I remember like, oh, I need something to read. I loved that book. And I would love to read it again, her autobiography. And I think I got it on an audiobook. And I remember sitting in the Mayo Clinic bathroom and just weeping, realizing how relevant her story is to me now and how especially the way she took her trials and turned it into such a beautiful purpose. It was just the perfect timing for me to have that resource come back up. And then I remember after that, my parents got to connect with her at an event and they sent a picture to our little family group chat. And it continued to come full circle for me. What an impact her story early on has had in my life. And then at that point, like I said, the slow progression of embracing, being able to express that I am disabled. And when I read the Johnny book at the Mayo Clinic, I wasn't even there yet in my story. And so seeing that picture, I was like, man, what a kind of mentor or role model has been in my journey. So I love that. I think, you know, we do see in scripture in certain stories and with Johnny that Christ is with us in our suffering, but God in his sovereignty and in his loving kindness gave you resources ahead of your illness that would kind of redeem your pain later. And he gave you tools early on to kind of lean on in your own season of suffering. So I love that she's just impacted you so deeply. That's really sweet to hear. And we just love Johnny. I mean, she is so resilient and strong in the midst of all that she's faced. And I see that in you too. Okay, so I want to kind of circle back to something that you mentioned earlier. We were talking about isolation when you were kind of in the thick of finding out what all was really going on with your body and seeing symptoms develop. I guess when you got to the place where you could kind of say, okay, four years in, and I think this is a disability, how did your community come in and support you? And also, how did your husband support you? What was it like being vulnerable and telling him, hey, this is how I'm feeling? Yeah, it was really that moment whenever I had to step away from my role at the church where it just became so clear to me that everything in my life had to change at that moment. I'll never forget going to my husband. That day I kind of had to make that decision. For me, it was like I'm, I'm leaving what was my dream job at the time. And also it felt like I was losing my purpose. And I remember telling him and the way he responded, he said that we know that God works all things together for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose for months eight, 28. And I remember saying this is really hard, but we know that God has a plan and a purpose and something, something good is going to come out of this. He said, I don't know what that is. And it's so funny, you know, I mentioned that you two things earlier, he said, I don't know what's going to be for you next, whether they're going to just start mentoring some girls or you're going to start YouTube. And it's funny, because I was home and resting a lot, I started watching YouTube again. And so it's just kind of constantly joking about how I could do YouTube, but never would. And I don't know what he said. Then I just laughed. Then it was probably days later, I couldn't sleep. And I just knew as soon as I woke up the next day, pick up my iPhone camera and start filming my day and just start sharing. It was like, I just knew that was what I was supposed to do. I'm so thankful. My husband was so supportive and encouraging. My community around me were obviously so great and supportive. And it was tough not knowing what was going on. I knew things had to change in my life. So because I wasn't able to be so fully engaged in our church the way I used to be, I knew I needed to find a way to continue serving. So I started serving at church online and joined a service and a team and really was able to find really sweet community and purpose in there. And people I worked with actually had different kinds of disabilities and things, which is part of why they were serving at church online as well. Really, as I started sharing on YouTube, that's when I discovered the chronic illness community. Like I mentioned earlier, how unfortunately hopeless it was, especially at that time, I feel like there's so much less awareness and it was just a really dark space. So I just really felt called to start spreading hope in that community. And that was really, that was the early days of my ministry, you know, and it's been a process for sure. It's tough when you are so limited. It's great to be in a life group and have your different avenues to connect with people. But I've definitely had to be creative as best as I can with that. Man, community is so important. And I'm glad that you found a place to still plug in and serve. But I love it's just the beautiful thing about how the Lord can craft something beautiful out of something that seems like it's just dead or hopeless or lifeless. And, you know, you thought that you were laying down purpose when really the Lord was just illuminating something different. But even more beautiful out of something that seemed so icky. And also, I mean, I just have to say I am thankful for supportive husbands. I know Johnny has one. I have one. You have one. And when you're walking through illness, you know, chronic illness doesn't just affect the one who has it. It often impacts relationships. It affects everyone involved. So I love that your husband could point you to hope in that moment. And so I love that. It's so beautiful. I guess what was that like? You know, you're a brand new married couple. And when your health kind of started to take a turn and it wasn't what you were usually used to, how did your husband navigate those challenges early on? Because I know as newlyweds, we have expectations. And so how did he process that with you? How did you process that together? What was happening? Yeah, that's a great question. Like you said, I'm so fortunate to have such an incredible, godly, supportive and servant husband. It's interesting. I feel like it was myself that struggled so much more with the expectation side of things than my husband did really for my husband. He was more just worried about me. I really just didn't process those emotions for a while. Really had to struggle with the frustration of not being able to live up to the expectations I had for myself in all of the ways and that I want to be able to cook and clean and, you know, eight years in, I've never been able to clean like one room thoroughly, let alone the whole house and obviously work full time. And, you know, I had so many things that I kept trying to do and totally failing and really crashing and having to recover from. It took me a while to admit I needed to go to a Christian counselor and start to process some of those things. Even probably at that Christian counselor at first, I had to be very prompted by the counselor. My emotions feel kind of obvious. Why should I say them out loud? And man, that's really, really had to change over the years. And now it's funny, I joke with my husband just how much I've thankfully grown in the area. I say everything out loud now. Sometimes it feels silly, but it's really, it's helpful. Yeah, you know, sometimes you hear people say you have to name something or give a voice to that feeling or whatever. And it's freeing when you do that. So yeah, it can be really powerful. Well, prior to getting married, Johnny and Ken had time to talk about and prepare for what marriage would look like with disability involved. But you and your husband were just kind of thrust into it without warning that disability would become part of your story. So what are some of the ways that you and your husband have had to adjust your relationship and support each other during difficult health seasons? I think probably the biggest thing for me was I had to learn to be able to ask for help. And I think a lot of people will probably relate with not being very good at doing that because we were figuring out what my illness was and what my limitations really were. I kind of just tried to do a lot of the things on my own still and had to not only ask for help, obviously with like laundry or random things like that, but so many more things. The biggest thing for me and me and my husband, I don't even know what to say on his behalf other than he's just been really helpful at being available to process and to just figure it out as we've gone. And it's obviously changed a lot since we've now had two kiddos. But yeah, it's been a journey like you said. We weren't expecting it. So it's a lot of figuring out over time. Well, and I love that you said earlier, your husband, he's a servant. He's got a servant's heart. He's a servant leader. So yes, he leads your home, but he's not too proud to serve. And so I'm sure he is happy to step in and help because that's what our spouses are where help meets for one another. So that's so beautiful. Well, you just mentioned you have two kiddos. So how did you and your husband come to the decision about whether or not to have children given the unique challenges of chronic illness? All right. Yeah, it was definitely a huge faith step for both of us. We just prayed about it and we felt like it was time to try it. And there was a lot of unknowns. Will I be able to conceive? Will I be able to sustain a pregnancy? How will I do with birth? And then mothering a child? I honestly had a lot of anxiety and a lot of emotions through the whole process, especially in my first pregnancy. But I mean, I'm so, so grateful that that's where the Lord led us. For so many women I talked to with chronic illness. Obviously, every person is different and everyone has different levels of capacity. I know people similar to me where I'm encouraging them, like, don't let your symptoms hold you back from that blessing of trying. And even though it's definitely not easy, it is the biggest blessing. I mean, my mental health after my first child, it was the best that had been in a long time because of that new layer of purpose that I had getting to be a mom to my son, Jace. And then with my second baby, she was an incredible surprise. And man, that was a whole other story there. But yeah, but so grateful for both of them. You know, I've never heard anybody say, at least I can't recall somebody saying that their mental health was the strongest it's ever been after having a baby. And so that is a blessing because I know kids do require so much energy and focus and deciding to grow your family is a really big decision for anyone. So I love that you guys felt led down that path. So Mandy, how do you approach planning for the future as a family given the unpredictability of living with chronic illness? Honestly, I would say there's not a lot of longer planning really, I feel like taking it very much day by day and relying on the Lord for strength, I mean, literally physical strength and wisdom through all of it. People ask me every so often like, how do you do it as a mom? It's so hard. I remember when I was pregnant as well talking to other moms with chronic illness. How was your birth? How do you do it? How do you handle all these things? And it's tough to really say because daily, you just kind of do what you have to do. I mean, sometimes it's like, let me put my baby in a really safe space where she's not going to get into anything crazy and I'll just lay on the floor right next to her. We go on walks where my husband will push me in the wheelchair and she'll be in my lap. And when it comes to the future, that really is where I don't know. I have so much faith and hope for my healing. Just yesterday was my husband like, I feel like I have just even more than ever just that renewed hope that things could change really quickly. But I also know, obviously it may not, and it may continue to be a really rocky journey. So I'm going to do the best I can, whether it's one way or another. Sometimes I think about, okay, I always said I wanted to homeschool, but if my health is how it is right now, I will not be doing that. There's so many questions about the future that I just really can't answer until I get there. So it is a daily reliance on the Lord for sure. It's such an interesting thing where it's so difficult in so many ways. I mean, I tell people we are literally in survival mode all of the time, but I think I have the most amazing family and I'm like the most blessed person ever also. So it's really, really hard and it's also really, really good. I'm just grateful for it, even though there's a lot of unknown in those daily processes and thinking about the future as well. Yeah, I feel like gratitude is the key in unknown circumstances. How would you encourage somebody who is in the middle of hoping for healing, believing for healing, but they just haven't seen it come yet? My husband, we pray together every night before bed and I remember him often praying for healing, but then saying, and if you don't, we know that there's still more that you want to teach us or do through us. I remember like having these conversations and referencing and I'm not going to get all of the biblical references maybe exactly right, but Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego and going into the furnace and saying, we're believing you'll rescue us from the fire, but even if you don't, we still trust you and praise you and just kind of having that attitude. It really is so much an endurance of reliance on the Lord and he gives you that ability to endure. So much of my message of what I've been sharing to people for eight years now is taking a step beyond even just that endurance and really beginning to embrace where you are and finding those ways to still have that purpose, using your trials and allowing God to use it for His glory. And I totally recognize that someone could be listening to this completely bed bound. I mean, I know people who can't turn on the lights in their bedroom and so that may look very, very different than it does for me, but I just believe that we can all find things to have gratitude for and find a way to share our story to allow God to use it just like Johnny did too. 100% and I just keep thinking, I know this is a scripture, I believe it's in Isaiah and we used to sing it in church. He's saying, "As I wait upon the Lord, I grow stronger." And I think we may not feel stronger physically, but we might feel stronger physically, but I think there is a spiritual strength and a mental strength that the Lord allows us to begin to walk in. We receive that from Him and He just proves His faithfulness. And sometimes we do see our healing and sometimes we just have to keep waiting. That was one of the things that I had to learn. I have Vittaligo and that was one of those things where I just said, "Lord, I don't like this and I would love for you to take it away. If you would heal me, Lord, and bring my pigment back, but if not, Jesus, help me to be okay with it and use it for your glory." I think we just have to get to a place where we can kind of frame with Him and His purpose in mind. So that was encouraging. Thank you for sharing those things, Mandy. So what is one hope or message you'd want to share with listeners who may be dealing with chronic illness or facing difficult health decisions? So I would really just reiterate so many of the things that I've been saying throughout our show today to not just endure during those hard trials and those hard times, but to embrace where God has put you and know that there is a purpose in your pain and you can't allow God to use your heart circumstances for His glory. So I mean, that for me really was the first few years of my illness. That was like the message kind of of my life. And then in these last couple years, so much of what I really feel like God's been teaching me and I've been kind of working through it. I've been sharing with people, too, is to allow yourself to grieve and to process those really hard emotions and to bring that grief and frustration and anger and all of that to God and to process that with Him because He is our confederate. He wants to be our confederate. He wants us to work through those with Him and for Him to be able to show us that love and bring us that peace. It took me time, you know, I was so focused in the beginning on just like, "Good's gonna come out of this and that was so good." But then later I was like, "Oh, I haven't processed these emotions and now I need to do that and God wants to be a part of that with me." So that is what I would say to people out there and I'd also tell them to find somebody to help them figure out the root cause of their illness. And that's a whole other podcast. Well, I'm thankful that we do have a whole other podcast with you coming up. I feel so encouraged by so much of what you've said today and I just, what really sticks out to me is just there's purpose in our pain. And Mandy, this conversation has been so uplifting. Thank you for being so vulnerable with us and for sharing such practical ways that we can walk with the Lord through every circumstance we find ourselves in. Thank you so much, Stephanie. It was such a special thing to get to be here, especially just with the impact Johnny's had on my life to be a small part of her ministry podcast here today. It just, it means a lot. So thank you for having me. We hope this conversation touched your heart today. If it did, consider sharing it with someone who might be encouraged as well. And don't forget to follow us on your favorite podcasting app so you never miss an episode. See you next week.