17. Finding Freedom from the Need to Heal with Phillip

You never, ever wanted to be healed. I want to feel healed. I just want to be, you know, I want to stop, I want to stop running. I can feel where I'm not taking care of myself. And I'm eating food that makes me sad. You sort of self-suiting like five, six times in a day. And then I have all this shame around it. What I want you to realize, Philip, none of those are the problem. They are the solution. I just want to be happy. Your nature is freedom, but you're psychologically emotionally telling yourself that you can't do something, then because of our nature freedom, the inclination is towards that. That's the frustrating thing is I'm having this new awareness and I have moments where I feel bliss and beauty and I write these songs and everything makes sense. Most human beings in their identity are defined by something they're not. I'm not good enough. I'm not loved. I'm not valued. I feel the one of the most pivotal moments that is defined Philip's persona is. Dude, I was just, I'm cracking up, man. When I got the email from Camrya, I brought my whole family and all the kids and I read the email and my 11-year-old was like, "Dad, you're about to get croned for real." That's what we say in our house. We'll watch highlights and I'll be like, "Babe, come watch this, Danica Patrick. She's about to get croned. Watch this." My daughter, my 14-dollar, will be like, "She got croned. Get croned." It's just like a thing in our house. I love it. It sounds like you have a lot of fun in that house. I'm just touched and flattered that my work has been that much to you. You obviously are such a beautiful spirit. I know you're not without your challenges and we'll get to that today. I appreciate the video you submitted, which everybody does. Prior to coming on the show. I just feel very fortunate that such lovely, beautiful, bright souls like yourself have found my work. It's helped in whatever way it has. Let's see if we can't do a little bit of fine tuning, shall we? Yeah, dude. Yeah. We still. I definitely love the fact that your kids are using the expression you got croned. Get croned, dad. Get croned. This is going to be a whole lot of your reels on YouTube. And I said, "Oh, get croned. Get croned." We're not going to have to start a hashtag. #GotCruoned. Yeah, it's like not got milk, but it's got crones. Yeah, dude. I've gone on so many walks with you, bro. Just listened to every podcast I can get my hands on. I think I first heard you on the Know Myself. Oh, yeah. Okay. Dude, I've been looking. I've been looking. I've been looking, man. And then I find you who's like, "Yeah, it's not outside of you." And I'm like, "Oh gosh!" It's just been amazing, dude. For two years now, just going on walks and listening to your podcast, your interviews. And I teach a home school group that I volunteer to teach. And I work with a homeless. And I speak at schools. And I've been trying to teach your teachings and I've been trying to convey what you convey. Yeah. So this is just a gift. So thank you. Well, thank you. You are clearly a very beautiful joy of spirit. And I think this is going to be a wonderful conversation. Thank you for the kind words. Thank you for including me and your family and your community, the work that you do with others. Obviously, it shows the size of your heart. And I know that you're a musician. And one of the things that really touched me about the video you submitted is that you said, "Your motto, and see if I can remember it because I know you're very kind in the way you remember my quotes." But it's like, if nobody loves you, I do, or something like that. Yeah, if no one else loves you, I do. That's my motto. Yeah. Well, that's pretty damn evident from the start of this conversation. So I've got a little inclination that maybe just maybe some of that love could be potentially redirected towards yourself. But let's see how we do. Does that make sense? Yeah, that does make sense. Yeah. So tell me, I, for the beautiful millions of people out there in the world who hopefully your story will touch because this video and all of these episodes just seems to be getting exponentially more momentum, which is really touching because I know it's changing people's lives. And I just want to first of all acknowledge you for coming on here, wanting to have a conversation and share your story because as human beings, I believe that one of the things that changes our lives more than anything is learning and vicariously experiencing other people's stories, woes, and breakthroughs. So give for myself as a refreshable bit. I just watched your video again and the viewing audience just a little bit of a, you know, background on Philip and the things he's struggling with because I know like all of us, it hasn't been that easy. Yeah. Thank you, man. Thank you. I've honestly had like a magical life, bro. I've had so many miracles in my life, so many good things happen. And which has kind of been the frustrating part of this healing journey is being aware that with anyways. Yeah. So when I was really little, we were in a car accident. I was 19 months old, well, with me and my couple of my brothers and our mom passed in that car accident. Your brothers passed to or no, they were okay. Just my mom, my baby brother was in the front seat. He was six months old. This was back in 91. So the seating laws were different. And he had serious brain damage. So he was, they thought he'd be a vegetable. I mean, he's a whole miracle story, but he was really badly damaged. He stayed in the hospital when we went to Oklahoma to bury mom. And I don't remember the car accident now, but my mom who adopted me told me that I would tell her what happened in the car and that. You know, that mom's head was down and that her eyes were like blinking a lot. And so I don't remember that, but for a time, I guess I remembered it because my mom who adopted me would say, yeah, you would, you told me this happened. I do remember going to court because we had to demonstrate that we can unbuckle ourselves because that was part of the court proceedings was why were the kids unbuckled and, you know, the other side trying to find fault with with our mom, I guess. So that was an experience. And then my dad remarried. And the woman he married, he married adopted me and my brothers. He's an amazing woman, but it was really difficult in that household because my dad had five boys and then his wife passed and he remarried that he, he adopted his new wife's daughter who became my sister. And she adopted me and my brothers. And then they had two more daughters together. So there was eight kids total. Wow. Okay. And I'm the first. It was you and you and two you were the youngest of the five. Oh, I got it. Got it. Okay. But, but you're so when the car accident, there were two brothers and the other two were just at home or school or whatever. One was at school and one was with the babysitter. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. So carry on to a big family. Yeah. Big family. And, you know, my mom and my dad did the best they could. I mean, I look back and they're just my dad's so hard working. He was a bishop and our church from when I was in kindergarten to high school. Always working. My mom always making sure we had meals and I always had birthday presents and Christmas presents and new clothes for school. But as I look back on my on my childhood. It was beautiful and I had a great childhood, but I know looking back when I was a kid, I was very scared a lot. There was there was physical abuse in the home. When I was three and a half or four. There was an experience with my mom where I was pushed down the stairs and my collarbone broke. Your mom by the okay. Yeah, but yeah, by my mom. So the physical abuse came from the parents older brothers, both. Yeah, from my mom. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Sorry. No, that's okay. And I just I remember. I mean, there's so many good things to remember to like. But I went the bed. I remember I'd wake up cold. Sometimes I'd wrap up in the. And. Okay. It's okay. I remember waking up in the middle of the night. I remember waking up in the morning. and hungry a lot. One time I had snack, we had this crazy tour where we'd put leftover ketchup packets or barbecue sauce packets from McDonald's. And one time I had gotten caught sneaking those in the bathroom and I would eat the barbecue sauce and I'd put it in the laundry hamper. (laughing) You know what, what better way to destroy the evidence? - Yeah, I mean, just genius. (laughing) - And I got a pretty big trouble for that. - Yeah, especially if it was with the whites. (laughing) - Yeah. - I'll be doing slow. - We grew up in a Mormon home which had its beautiful parts in so many ways, you know? But definitely a lot of high standards. - Yeah. - And the other thing that was really difficult when I was 13 looking back now, I can see what was happening. I was being groomed by a woman in her 40s. - It is a friend of the family or? - Yeah. - Okay. - And she would touch me. And then it eventually led when I was 14. There was a sexual experience that I didn't understand as a 14 year old. - Yeah. - She went and confessed to our local church leaders and they brought me in and I was put on what's called probation. So I wasn't allowed to take the sacrament. I wasn't allowed to pray in public. So I just remember feeling really sick. So I didn't want to eat. I just felt really guilty. And then I went on a mission for my church 'cause I really believed it. I really felt like, and I can see now where by doing things in the church, it would get the approval of my community, and my parents, my family. - Yeah. - And I gave it everything I had. And I believed in it. And I really felt like the best thing I can do for the world is go knock doors and help people and give them this message. And it was on my mission where I first hurt my back. And it wasn't even a big deal. I was just jumping over a ditch and I felt something in my back. I came home and I had my first back surgery. And then, you know, I married my high school sweetheart. We have a beautiful family. And I joined the army when I was 30. And I came home from army training. And then I decided to quit my job 'cause I realized I was miserable and I started doing music full time. And that's when I first started really sitting with all these things that had happened. 'Cause I really wanna make music that helps people. - Yeah. - I really, I wanna help people heal as best I can. Especially my own siblings who I know are all caring different things. And I was real. And realizing the religion I'm in, I'm limited in how I can help people. And I just wanna be able to help people. And the addicts that I'm more sitting with and the homeless that I'm visiting and the people in these mental health facilities, what I'm offering with religion isn't what they need right now. Like they need something else. And I started to realize I didn't really have anything to help them with. And that's when I started realizing, I didn't even know how to help myself really. - Yeah. - And so I tried to process these things and it was a really scary thing to start to realize as I did more research into my own religion than it's not what I thought it was. And it was this scary, scary experience because I was worried what my wife seemed to say, if I'm not Mormon, would my in-laws accept me? Wouldn't this is the one thing I was good at was being a member of this church and teaching and sharing. And now I'm realizing that none of it is what I thought it was. And it started to hit me when I talked to us, a trauma therapist and she said, 'cause I had always carried the guilt of that experience as when I was a teenager. And she said, no, you were abused. Like that's, you weren't able to consent. And I was like 31 years old when this hit me and I was like, oh my gosh, like what? What this, I really thought that I was guilty before God that I had done this thing. And that's when I pulled my kids out of the church and I started to get angry about all this. And I started, and now I'm out of place where I just, I want to feel healed. I just, I just want to be, you know, I want to stop running. Yeah. And I'm eating food that makes me sick. And sometimes I'll have three or four doctor papers in a day. And sometimes like a sexual release or self soothing. Like five, six times in a day. And, and I, I want to help others heal. I want to heal. And I've been listening to you for years. And that's been the frustrating thing for me is, I know like what happened happened and couldn't have happened any other way because it didn't. And this is all just a story. And, and, you know, these are all gifts. And every trigger is a gift. And yes, then why am I back in the drive-thru again? And like why, and I can look back on these events in my life. And I can also see miracles. And so it's like, like pick a story, bro. Like, like, I just, I just want to be happy. And I just, you know, I, I just, I want to be. And, and, and, and that's the frustrating thing is I, I'm having this new awareness. And I have moments where I feel bliss and beauty. And I write these songs. And everything makes sense. And it's like, oh my God. Like being in that car with my mother, what a gift that was. I got to be with her when she moved on. Like, a lot of people don't get that gift. And I'm trying, I'm trying to reframe all these things and make them beautiful. And, but then I, then I find myself back to using marijuana every day and just wanting to feel good, just wanting, believing these lies that I know are lies that if I just take some THC, then I can relax. And if I just dream to Dr. Pepper, then I'll feel better. And almost this feeling like, if I don't get it like this, like, I don't know, like this scary feeling. And I know that's not healthy. And I just want to be real. I want to be honest. And I want to honestly help people without an agenda. I just want to be able to. And when I, when I began my music project, it's called Love the World. That's what my LLC is registered as. I kept going back between heal the world or love the world. Should it be heal the world? And finally, I was like, I don't even know how to heal myself. Like, who am I? To heal the world? Come on, bro. So I was like, I don't know how to heal nobody, but I know how to love. I know how to stick with people. I know how to hold people. Yeah. I just, for some reason, I don't know why I haven't found that for myself yet, even though intellectually, I've listened all your stuff and I've the Tony Robbins and Brane Brown, and I've done ketamine. And I've met with the therapist for years and the life coaching and the journaling and the mindfulness and the like, what am I missing? And I hear you in my head, the only thing that's wrong with you is the fact that you think something's wrong with you. I cry and that changed me. Yeah. And then I come back to this state again. And then I got Joe to spend in my head like, yeah, that's the familiar pathways. So try something new. You know what I mean? Like, oh, Peter, I just need to get croned, man. I'm going to say that's the only thing missing. That's the only thing missing is being croned, right? Let's see if we can't handle that today. Listen, you are a sweetheart. I love the energy. I love the enthusiasm. You clearly have a boundless capacity to love, which is beautiful. Just again, for the reference for people listening, you talked about Dr. Papas sexual release, whether that's through porn or just self-satisfaction. You had junk food, but then you have made steps, right? Because you were at one point addicted to opioids. Yes. OK. And I haven't used those since December of 2023, which is-- OK. Amazing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Any other substances? No. Like marijuana is-- I got a-- I'm not a marijuana card. And the only other substances is my wife. So when you say porn, she has been so sweet, so [BLANK_AUDIO] and giving to where I don't watch porn. I have my own material of my wife, and that is my sexual outlet. It's like my, I've called it like my cheat code. (laughs) - I'm runnically compared to most men, not cheating cheat code, yeah. - Right, yeah, and she's so giving, and every day she's like, do you need something? Like do you, do you, and I'm at a place where it's like, this isn't on her, like, - Yeah. - It's like, you'll never get enough of what almost, you know, works, like you say. - Yeah. - So that's what I knew. I, I don't know why I keep going, but those are the substances, marijuana, doctor, pepper, food, and intimacy with my wife, or intercourse, not intimacy. - Yeah, yeah, okay. Well, I appreciate the vulnerability. I appreciate your willingness to share your story and clearly some of the events that have transpired that you shared will have contributed to this identity that, you know, I love how well-versed you are with my work and the quotes, and life will present you with people in circumstances to reveal where you're not free and what happened happened. And all the things you said, the only thing you think is wrong with you is thinking there's something wrong with you. So these are all great, but knowing those things clearly doesn't, it's, they're accurate, but insufficient is the way that I put it, right? Meaning that they're not quite getting to the core of what's going on for Philip. So hopefully today we can, we can access that, okay? - Yeah, please do, yeah, that's what's happening. - That's fucking go. - So. - Yes. - So a very subtle distinction that I, I feel is often, first of all, never discussed and perhaps never even known is with regards to addiction itself, right? So if you were to look at weed, Dr. Pepper, junk food, sex, how would you classify those things in the realm of addiction? That they are the what? - They are the, the fix, they're the addiction, they're the, - Yeah, so typically in the realm of addiction, and you know, I've helped people in a, in a myriad of different ways with all sorts of different substances. Most people will say even thing, I have an alcohol problem, I have a marijuana problem, I have a cocaine problem, right? So we tend to look at the substances as quote unquote the problem, makes sense, right? Like you're, whether you're articulating it that way or not, you're looking at, okay, I do, you know, relieve myself five times a day, I have three or four Dr. Pepper's, I smoke weed every day, that they are, all bit, perhaps not declared this way, they are perceived as the problem in Philip's life, correct? - Yeah, right. Now what happens and why this is a powerful distinction is, when we look at something as a problem, we generate resistance internally to it. Yeah? - Right. - Makes sense? Whenever we have resistance to something, what that actually does is it exacerbates the desire for it. - Yeah, okay. - Do you see that, you're tracking? - Yeah, definitely. - Now the reason we do that is because our essence is freedom. So think about it this way, if who we are is freedom, meaning we're able to do anything, your nature is freedom, but you're psychologically, emotionally, intellectually telling yourself that you can't do something, then because of our nature of freedom, the inclination is towards that. Do you follow that? - Oh, okay, so you're saying, I've labeled it as bad, so I shouldn't have it, but by saying I shouldn't have it, my soul is like, no, I'm free, I can have whatever I want. - Correct, that's the layware of expressiveness. So now, here's the ahah moment, because you're very smart. What I want you to realize, Philip, whether it's sexual addiction, Dr. Pepper, junk food, weed, whatever subs are even back in the day, opioids, listen carefully, none of those are the problem. Now, let that land. Everything that you're partaking in, that you call an addiction is not a problem, it's a solution. - Okay. I mean, I trust that I'm going with you on this. - Yeah, so stay with me. So if everything that you're choosing unconsciously, so in the world of ego, we typically are driven by what I call unconscious reactions. So right now, those solutions that I'm reframing for you are unconscious reactions to the ultimate addiction, which is to the idea of ourself. - Okay. - So Philip, at the subconscious level of his own personality will have narratives, pieces of code, which we're going to reveal today, that generate the internal experience of suffering from which you try to escape. - Okay. - The means of escape is the solution to your suffering. - Okay. - Do you see? - Yeah. - Now, if we don't deal with the internal suffering, then it doesn't matter how much you try to avoid the solutions, you're being informed by suffering, and there is no mammal on the planet that does not try to escape suffering. - Right, okay. So the first reframe for you is your unconscious programming is doing the right job. You follow? Meaning, so this is a way of acknowledging your conditioning without wanting to perpetuate it or condone it, right? Meaning, oh, Philip, at the deepest level, and we've got all the evidence, at least I do, as to why your suffering is doing what every human being who suffers does, which is get away from suffering. So in that particular timeline of existence, what you're doing is quote, unquote, correct for the instinct of a mammal. - Okay. - Do you follow? - Yeah, okay. So here-- - So first of all, what I'm doing this, what I want to help you to do is to eradicate, mitigate the judgment and shame that you have about your chosen forms of solution. - Yeah, okay. - Does that help soften start to at least go, oh, I'm actually doing what any mammal would do when in a position of discomfort. I'm finding comfort. - Okay, yeah. Yeah. - So how does that feel? - So it feels like, I just feel like I have more compassion from myself. So you're saying I've just been surviving. - Correct. - And none of these things are bad, but because I have the subconscious, something that's happening, these are actually a solution for that suffering. - Correct. And when you frame it that way, as you just said beautifully, and it brought up an emotion for you, you can find compassion for yourself. Oh, I'm hurt, suffering and all I'm doing all bit at some degree unconsciously is finding some relief. - Yeah, yeah. - Like, so for example, if you're, you know, you've got three kids, you said, - Five. - You've got, oh, you've got five kids. - Yeah. - You go, sorry. So you, because I know you said the two daughters and the son were saying get cry out for kids. Safety and numbers in your family apparently. Right. So if, let's say, you know, your son had burned his finger. Right, just whatever. It was holding, trying to make a fire for the family or was pouring a kettle and grabbed the piece of metal. And then he went to the cold tap. Would you shame him for putting his finger on the cold tap? - Oh, no, of course not. - No, do you see? - Yeah. - Isn't that, isn't that interesting? - Oh my gosh. - So that's level number one, right? - Right. - So first of all, huh? - No, it just reminded me of Liar Liar with Jim Carrey when the guy walks in on the bathroom and he's like, what are you doing? He's like, I'm kicking my ass, do you mind? (laughing) - Yeah, you're very good at that. Welcome to your humanity. Yeah. I've yet to meet a human being who doesn't at some level beat the shit out of themselves. - Yeah. - Yeah. - I'm doing my best to, you know, one mind at a time liberates souls. But anyway, so first level, oh my gosh, feel it. Or be it not necessarily a conscious choice, which is what we're evolving to versus unconscious reaction, right? We want to move into conscious creation, which we will do by the end of this conversation. You have my word. But right now, we first of all want to see that within the realm of what I call this old operating system of humanity, 1.0 mindset, that entire structure of programming is its sole imperative is survival. Now, why is it based on survival? Because the underlying fundamental code is in some sort of inadequacy insecurity or scarcity, meaning we're living in a confined view of ourselves that creates suffering from which we seek relief. That's just 101 existence. That's a whole world out there, Philip, just not you, right? Yours manifests as what you call, you know, addiction. Someone might be listening to this who's like, "That dude drinks three to four doctor peppers a day." Fuck you, "Hey, welcome to my world dude." Like, "You know, I'm doing cocaine every hour." Or, you know, I mean, there was, there was someone who was drinking 99, you know, coax a day that one of my I/I VATA doctors was helping, right? So, relatively speaking, yeah, doesn't really matter. Everybody's got their own form of addiction because you know my quotes better than anyone apparently. And the one I have about addiction is there's no greater addiction than the idea of ourself. That's your addiction. Yeah, yeah. What we want to be able to do today is we want to reveal what is that idea of Philip. The creates a suffering that is the precursor to the unconscious draw naturally to a form of relief which you found in, you know, these four sort of predominant choices, right? Right. And the other thing that really hurts me, Peter, which I know you're about to help me with, is my nine year old daughter or my six year old daughter. They will come to me and give me love. They will kiss me on the cheek and they will hug me. And I'll just feel in my body like anger. And I don't understand. Why my sweet little girls are just trying to love their dad. And I feel this frustration, this anger. And I don't get it. Like what? That's okay. We'll get to it. Don't worry. It's very clear. You'll all become crystal clear by the time I'm done with your doctor, pepper drinking ass. Such a wild guy three to four cans a day. Oh my gosh, you're out of good job. I live on the wild side, man. Exactly. I should introduce to some people I've helped. Oh, kidding aside, I don't want to in any way. I just you're just so fun to be with. And I don't want to dismiss the, you know, the, the struggles that you've been through and the, the amount of love that you still bring to other people, even in the face of your own suffering, it's, it's really inspiring. So, but now at least you're starting to see the cascade of how subconscious constraints lead to thoughts, feelings and then behaviors or actions which create outcomes, right? Yeah. So in this case, what we're doing is I'm reverse engineering, which I do with everybody back to the subconscious programming, the fundamentally got triggered, not created, but stimulated in childhood, right? This is a much more, as a terror, understanding for the more advanced listener is my assertion is that we are here to transcend the constraints with which we arrived. Okay, it's not because your mum died in a car accident when you're 19 months. It's not because you were groomed and then sexually abused by a woman when you were 14. Those are the quote, quote, catalysts to trigger the underlying constraints with which the soul, Philip arrived that he's here to fundamentally transcend. I know that's quite a mouthful, but you're familiar with my work. So hopefully you're tracking. Oh, you did. I've been looking forward to this part for years, bro. Okay. We could even argue that this was the reason you incarnated to be grown. Dude, I'm here for it, man. No, no, I know. Okay, beautiful. So let's go back to those events and there's certainly two or three and it'll also tie into why you're beautiful six and nine year old daughters come and kiss you on the cheek. And yet you feel internally a form of resistance, which we already, we already spoke to, right? Right? Well, you've got the substances and you've got resistance. You're in your own words. You said, yeah, you're seeing them as bad, right? Yeah. And so now the frustration or even the anger that you experience when your two beautiful daughters come to give you love will make a lot of sense by the time that you start to see who is Philip in the way that he has defined himself. Okay. Okay. So now ironically, it wasn't so much what I hear in your story. It wasn't so much, you know, both events are you have kind of highlighted the mum dying, which is of course tragic and I'm really sorry, went through that. And certainly the sexual abuse, which I've helped a lot of people go through. I feel the one of the most pivotal moments actually that is defined Philip's persona is the, when you got excommunicated, shall we say, the probate that you had to experience from the church. Yeah. Because what was that like? What when that 14 year old and it's coming to the surface now for you, what, what did you decide at that moment that that meant about you? That I was not worthy, not worthy is a nice way of saying it. What else? But I was, I was bad. That I was evil or not good. When I listen to your video, it gives me chills because for whatever reasons that I'm blessed with the ability to listen to a story and immediately hear the underlying subconscious constraints that confine people, all I could hear was somebody who fundamentally thinks they're a bad person. What does that like to live inside of that for that? It's okay. Just let, let it all out. Keep feeling it. It's okay. That who you are for yourself is bad and relative to your community, your family. Yeah, it's scary. It feels like I'm constantly going to get found out. Like people are constantly going to, like when, when they do, they won't like me anymore and they will love me. It's, it's, it's, it's exhausting. I keep having to prove something to people. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I get it. Just stay there for a minute. Like you've been walking around your, how old now? 36. 36. Yeah. But over three decades, the who you are for yourself is that you're just bad. And there could be other words that come to mind, you're rotten, you're trash, you're dirty. Is another word that I feel? Does that resonate? Yeah. Yeah, definitely. I mean, it's just dirty, right? Where you went through that you, you know, you don't belong now in the church. Yeah. You're so filthy. Yeah. What are some of the ways that when you live inside of that prison that you have learned to compensate? To, like, especially when I was in the church, I, I've studied the scriptures more than anybody. And I remember I scriptures and I volunteered for every class. And I said, yes, even when I didn't want to. And, um, and I did the things that nobody else wanted to do. And I volunteered in nursery. And I basically just abandoned myself trying to prove to everybody in church, like see, I'm, I'm a good guy. Yeah. All the while reinforcing what? That I'm bad. Now, look at that. Look at all the energy, the effort, the time, the, the abandonment, as you said, the way you compromise yourself, the exhaustion you put yourself through always, always reinforcing the very thing that you would desperately try and to escape. Yeah. It's a lot. I know. It's okay. Now, now you're starting to see the cause of the addiction, the home of the addiction. Yeah. Yeah. And just always trying to make people like me and feel safer on me. And then I say, do things. And then like 10 minutes later, be like, wait, why did I do that? But never mind, but you're saying it's because it's because I was trying so desperately to prove that I wasn't bad. Yeah. Yeah. Unconscious reaction, meaning it's not something you believe. People talk about limiting belief. This is way below limiting beliefs. This is far deeper. You've heard me say, because you're familiar with my work. This is the you that you are for yourself. Philip is a walk around believing he's bad. Right. Philip in his own definition of himself is bad. And that's why you can't see it. Yeah. I mean, look at the way you describe defined Dr. Pepper weed, sex, right? And junk food. How did you describe them that you saw them? I said, do you create resistance? Because you think that they are bad. No surprise in the choice of words. And now I can see where I tried to make sex not bad because it's my wife. Right. Let's. Okay. We don't see the way the world is, we see the way that we see the world. Yeah. Isn't that powerful? Yeah. It's not the world that we see, it's the way that we see. Now, if who you are is bad, so let's just take one, let's just take, let's stay as objective as possible. In the world of pure physics, is Dr. Pepper bad? No, it's just a joke. No, it's Dr. Fucking Pepper. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah. So what I want you to understand is, and again, I'm not in any way dismissing the fact that like, I don't, you know, I don't promote sodas, you know, this is by no means a commercial for Dr. Pepper. That'll suddenly be reaching out to Peter Chrome. We'd like to sponsor your podcast. I'm not interested. My friend Philip told me you're bad. No, but we understand also in the realm of physics, like let's take a more bigger example. Okay, this might be harder, especially for the listening audience. Is heroin bad? No, right? No, it's heroin. Yeah. Now, I want you to be able to understand whether we take, you know, a slightly more mild, you know, substance like Dr. Pepper or Herron, I'm not saying that I suggest anybody do them. Everything in the world of karma, cause an effect, has impact. Everything. Sure. Yeah. You know, you could say that the guy who goes to the gym, who used to be an addict, who now goes to the gym for three hours a day and he jogs and he's training for like his fifth marathon of the year. And it's only like coming up to the end of April, whenever it is, like that, that might look like, oh, the dude's really fit. I would still say that he's being driven by an addiction. Do you see? Yeah. It's like Shakespeare said, nothing, nothing is either good nor bad, but only thinking makes it so. Yeah. Yeah. Isn't that beautiful? Dude, yeah. In the realm of physics, you know, somebody like myself with a very sensitive constitution, cause I would like to declare that I take immaculate care of myself. If I were to drink two or three Dr. Pepper's a day, it would definitely make a mess, you know, and what, you know, it's just my sense, I don't drink soda. I just don't want to touch it, right? So, but for somebody who's accustomed to it, maybe their body has adapted to the point that, well, it doesn't have the same degree of impact, but the causative factors over the long term, again, like smoking. If someone has got a constitution like an, an ox, they might be able to smoke for decades and be okay. Somebody who's more sensitive, you know, they might develop, you know, lung cancer or, you know, whatever it is that they're going to develop. So we want to stay in the realm of physics, right? Okay. Where people suffer is in the realm of perspective, right? You're not a victim of circumstance. You're not a victim of, you know, sex, Dr. Pepper, junk food and frickin marijuana, you're a victim of a perspective that you're looking through. So is this why, because I've noticed that oftentimes I'll return to these things when things are great. I'll get out of an assembly with all these kids or a assisted living facility and I'm on a cloud nine. And then I want, you know, the double cheeseburger or the Vate, the THC Vave. Is that yeah, you're saying it's because innately there's a partner that's like, oh, I'm not at all. I'm bad. Remember? Correct. We always have to think about the thermostat in a house. If the thermostat in a house is set to 70 degrees, if it suddenly gets cold outside and it starts to drop to 68, 67, what will it do? It'll kick in and put it back to the, correct. Conversely, you know, if it gets too hot outside, it will turn on the AC and bring it back down. So think of that in terms of the same for own identity. The way that we've defined ourselves at a very deep, subconscious level has to constantly be rectified. I see. Okay. So you, the good news is you're never going to get too far off. You know, like those substances can accumulate over time, like, you know, somebody will say, oh, you know, weed is a gateway drug, right? And then you become like you get into the heavier stuff as you go. But really, the gateway drug is as I've declared, this ultimate addiction is the idea of yourself. So sometimes it becomes slippery where, and I don't want to get too into the linguistics of how these codes define personality. That's what I, you know, for people who are interested, that's what I do in the mastermind. I know you're in freedom membership, right? But the mastermind is where I help people understand and I'm going to give like a little insight today. Now, what does that mean? I'm not good enough. I'm not loved. I'm not valued or worthy. Right? Can you see that? Yeah. Yeah. When a human beings identity is defined by what we're not, our, our compromise and coping strategy tends to be trying to become that thing. To compensate. So if I'm, if I'm not good enough, I'm going to as a strategy for survival become a people, please, they're a perfectionist, work hard, as an attempt to become enough. Do you see that? Yeah. Yeah. Make sense, right? It's logical. Right. With somebody like yourself, there's a shadow side of what I call these negations of self, which is where I am something negative. So the antithesis of I'm not good enough is I am bad. So Philips identity is fallen into the shadow side, which is why you struggled with it for so long, or it's manifesting in a way that will, you know, you're 36, but over time that would lead to physiological issues and, you know, you've got a beautiful, doting wife and lovely kids. But for most people in the shadow side of a compromised constraint of oneself, there tends to be a lot of destruction. Right? Divorce, sickness, disease, loss of jobs, all the things like that, right? Yeah. Yeah. Do you see? I'm so happy that you're here today and you clearly have such a beautiful, powerful spirit, which is why you haven't cascaded too far down the I am bad, you know, route, which a lot of people when they're in that tend to fulfill on. So what I want you to understand is, first of all, you're doing a hell of a job to kick the opioids and to still be making a huge difference for the homeless and the people that you, you know, touch, which is beautiful. So I just want to acknowledge that. Okay. Thanks for. Yeah. Of course. So, but now you start to see, oh, if who you are, not what you believe, but who you are is that I am bad, you can now see the cascade, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So when my, my daughter has come to love on me, yeah, it's, it's me saying, why are you loving someone that? It doesn't make sense. Yeah. It doesn't resonate. It doesn't align. And so your fundamental identity at the deepest level has to do something in order to prevail, to sustain itself. See, the ego of every human being fundamentally is fictitious. Right. So in order for it to prevail, it has to keep finding evidence or create its own to exist. Isn't that nuts? Yeah. It's nice, man. Yeah. And you wonder why people out there are fucking, you know, excuse my French, but, you know, both sick and tired of being sick and tired, but they don't believe they have the life they want and they keep wondering why they, the self-fulfilling prophecy is leading to all of the discomfort and suffering that they have. Well, you're just constantly being right about your own identity. Yeah. Bonkers, isn't it? Yeah. I've been so good at it, though. Why? Everybody's so good at being, you know, wrong about themselves. I mean, that's the human disposition. That is the insidious nature of what I call the 1.0 mindset. That's why I've created the new operating system for humanity. To break out of the world of limitation, fierce offering disease and scarcity. That is the world that we have. And then on top of that, we just have the narrative forms of coping strategies and survival techniques to try and mitigate it, all of which do nothing but reinforce it. And you have the mad world, shit show of planet earth that we currently have. So this is why I've had my spine fused after three surgeries, just because I keep, I've constantly been in an environment where I've been living in a world where I'm bad. And my body's just been carrying that weight is what you're saying. Just an absolutely unnecessary burden from which you can never escape. Right. Yeah. God. Oh, man, this is why I love you, bro. Do tell of you, man. Yes. Okay. Okay. That's level one. So now we're getting down to the deeper level. So where was Philip born? Dude, I've been waiting for this for years bro okay I'm forwarding North Carolina Peter okay so Philip this is your moment if I cut you open am I gonna find a physical manufacturing label pick your material word metal plastic that says on it Philip born in North Carolina he is bad no man no you won't go ahead my back no no no this is my bad just got help yourself this guy this guy okay okay no if it's not in there it's not in there no it's not part of if physiology right but we if we could read the genome would understand your body constitution your eye color all the things right somebody would be able to read that so where therefore does I'm bad exist because for over three decades three and a half it is dictated your thoughts your feelings your actions and now these quote quote addictions that you've been dealing with so where does the I am bad live in my head in the conversation exactly and where did that predominantly get formulated from what what would you say was the most pivotal experience the you've already referenced in that I I repeated for you probably experience what I was when I was a teenager and experienced sexual abuse yeah do you got probation and that you were basically quote quote kicked out shamed yeah and that young boy then at that moment decided what that meant about him yeah and that's when I was trying to do all the church stuff and got way in everything of course which was the compensation which is the logical progression because at the deepest level of who we are we want to experience our essence which is unity yeah yeah so just as I said earlier your nature is freedom when you have resistance to in this case you know substances your inherent freedom doesn't like not having freedom so you're drawn to them if you experience from your essence unity but now you experience the feeling of separation or excommunication what are you gonna do trying to get back to it of course that's all any human being is doing we want to experience our own divine essence of unity which we can never access because we look through the illusion of a separate ego yeah yeah yeah yeah oh get crowed Philip God so lives in your head in what form you said a conversation language right yes and sound it's literally so who you are is a divine essence of pure possibility limitlessness absolutely boundless potential that's being confined prisoned by sound in this case sound that who you are is bad yeah so if it is just sound if it is just language it's literally words saying that you are bad is it true that who you are is bad no not at all oh man oh welcome to freedom moment thank you bro oh just said with it you have been living in one of the most common insidious destructive lies it's a lie and what's so beautiful about you I've never met any beyond on this show who's so committed to truth which is why this is going to be just such a such as joyous transformation for you oh yeah you you can't overcome a lie dude yeah that's why I've been doing so much damn research can I yeah and I don't have to you can drink well doctor pepper oh gosh I highly don't recommend it but anyway so but what's the difference now if you did so now we want to make we want to make the collapse okay if you were from this position yeah of realizing that you're not bad if you drank Dr. Pepper what does that mean yeah means I drank Dr. Pepper so now get this one when your six and nine year old daughters come in and kiss you on the cheek what now becomes available from this space oh I can just receive their love yeah yeah and I can kiss them back yeah they just got their dad today isn't that special yeah I was telling my wife Danny I was like I just know he's gonna say go meet your daughter and I'm so ready for it yeah I'd say go meet your daughters go meet your wife go meet your son yeah I'm excited to meet myself you know I've been a good guy this whole time he really have such a good guy who tried so hard he's such a good guy that he tried so hard to disprove his own lie that he was bad dude oh my gosh Peter yes dude I got chrome bro yeah I have to get you a t-shirt I have to do that for everyone who's on the show yeah oh yes I get to meet my daughters as you as the boundless loving beautiful soul that you truly are really feel it your nature is love what's what tell everybody your motto if no one else loves you I do now apply that to yourself yeah you really you really had it the way that you saw the world was nobody else loved you I could bet you're bad that's why I would go and visit people in jails and state the state prison and I've wanted to do this I've wanted to do this it's like one of my secret like dreams and goals is to create a nonprofit where we have health professionals when the politician committed adultery or the teacher had inappropriate relations with the student or somebody killed somebody and all the society is looking at this person and judging them and every time that happens all I can think to myself is I don't know but I this is a human being how much how much were they hurting that they ruin their life like this and so I think what I hear you saying is the reason I was drawn to those people is because I was looking for myself both looking for yourself but also the beauty of the fact that you could recognize within them that which you were struggling with yourself yeah and that's what bread compassion I guarantee you as a generalization there's not anybody in prison and I've helped a lot we gift a lot of my courses to inmates that doesn't think they're fundamentally bad society has confirmed it but it's the chicken in the egg which came first right I would assert that that soul incarnated with the story they were bad and then had to curate the events to confirm it frequency proceeds form that's how powerful we are didn't matter where you looked Philip you were always going to see bad and then you try to compensate which of course is logical and because you're a beautiful soul and you didn't want to experience suffering everybody as I said is trying to mitigate their own suffering oh man yeah now where's the suffering oh it was just a story it's not even it isn't so then who needs marijuana who needs Dr. Pepper who needs junk food oh and even if you have it periodically because there may still be what I call calmic momentum in your physiology meaning your physiology like you know when people have a lot of imbalances in their gut they might be drawn to certain foods you know when women go through pregnancy there's certain inclinations towards tastes and you know so your physiology might still inform a habit but now you get to have conscious choice is choosing Dr. Pepper junk food marijuana in Phillips best interest when who he sees himself to be is this boundless limitless being who warrants love who is love of course not yeah exactly but now it's a choice as opposed to before it was an unconscious reaction right which had its own own undeniable momentum that was very hard to overcome. Some people do it with willpower. You manage to do that with your opioids. But you can never over time overcome that, which is persistently there. That's why I said, you know, you can never get something enough of something that almost works. But now you get to make a choice for yourself from love. Right. I get to take care of me. What a novel thought. Yeah. Because I'm a good guy. I'm a good guy. I've been a good guy the whole time. You have. And just because this is an important distinction that will give you power. You have been a good guy all the time. You are a good guy and not all, but by virtue of being human, you have the capacity to experience yourself as bad and act accordingly. I see. Okay. Yeah. It's important that we integrate that versus dismiss it. So that like you said, if there's comic momentum or something happens, I don't fall into a cycle of, ah, see, I've talked up. I need to be crowned again. I'm such a bad guy. I know I couldn't keep it up. All of those stories would only be reinforcing the underlying bad that you haven't incorporated or included. Right. Okay. Can you feel the power in that? Because otherwise, if you walk around our Philip is a good guy, you leave yourself ironically more vulnerable again. Because no one can sustain that. Right. Right. Okay. Yeah. Okay. That makes sense. So the way I would say to the deep energetic level is who you are is love. And love makes space for all of it. Yeah. Wow. Do you talk my language, bro? Yes. Love. Yes. When you go into these incarceration facilities or you see homeless, you don't judge them. Do you? No. No, but objectively, the way that they've ended up where they are is because of consequences and actions that, you know, according to society aren't agreed upon or they're frowned upon. Right. But you come in with no judgment. Because in that relationship, you're making space for their indiscretions. You're making space for their shortcomings. You're making space for their humanity. Yeah. Now you get to make space for Phillips. So now I'm going to blow another party on mind. Are you ready? Dude, I'm ready, man. Because there was nothing to be healed. You just wanted to be held for your imperfections. That 14-year-old, wherever you were and you had this big, you know, bruja, har scene and you were put on probation and all the things, that 14-year-old wanted somebody to hold him and say, it's okay. You're not bad for what happened. And in fact, it took, you know, as you said, 17 years later, whenever you're 31 and a therapist said, no, you were abused. That was the first time you got a glimpse of like, oh, I didn't do anything wrong. Yeah. So again, your journey for healing perpetuates what? The idea that there's something to be healed. Oh, man, Peter. Oh, I, I, so, okay, I was going to say I am healed, but that would just perpetuate that I was broken. Exactly. I am. You are. And then depending on what lens you look through based on the narratives and the stories that we typically curate from our childhood, we will form a life to represent that. So if you're always looking to be healed, then you must say fundamentally there's something wrong with you. No, you went through what you went through and by the way, it's already finished. Right. It happened forever ago. 22 years ago, you had this moment with this 40-year-old woman. 22, like even physiologically, you're not the same person as you were when you started this conversation because cells have died and new ones have been born. That 14-year-old, with all due respect, he died, you know, 22 years ago. You're just walking onto the story as evidence to sustain your ego's identity. Yeah. It's got what, what, what does literally, literally what does what you went through when you're 14 have to do with today? Nothing. Nothing. Now, we can embrace the human part, which is it had everything to do with your identity until we just revealed it, which was it confirmed a story that you were bad, that you're dirty, that's something wrong with you. You know, we didn't go through all of them because their bedfellows to me, but they're all sort of associated. They're relative, right? Yeah. Yeah. Being bad, dirty for what happened, there's something wrong with you. I would throw in, you're not wanted, right, which is being sort of discarded from the church. So you can write all of these, I mean, this is recorded, you can watch it, but I just want to share them with you so you can investigate the same process I took you through, which is, is it true that you're bad? No, is it true that you're not wanted? No, is it true that you're dirty? No. Do you see? Is it true there's something wrong with you? No, they're all lies. But they are all the fundamental addiction that was the precursor to the solutions you found to mitigate suffering. Wow, yes. And in the absence of those, my friend, if it's not true that you're not wanted, if it's not true that there's something wrong with you, if there's not true that you're bad, and if it's not true that you're dirty, they're all gone, you literally don't have those ways of relating to yourself. Who does Philip get to be? I don't even know, man. It looks very accurate answer. Yeah, you know, because I'm introducing it to a world with which you're not familiar. Welcome to 2.0 world, my friend. Yeah, wow. Wow. Now I've gone right. I've been dealing with writers block. But now I just want to tell you what right now, whatever it is that you do, and again, I'm not familiar with your music, it just got exponentially more powerful. Oh, yeah. Can you feel that? Yeah. Yeah. And here's a really funny thing that I want you to understand and I can't categorically say it's true. My guess is because when we shift our internal terrain, the way we view ourselves and the fundamental way that we relate to who we are, like your energetic signature has shifted today, that informs your physiology. So I've worked with people who may have been addicted to cigarettes for 40 years. We had someone in my mastermind who smoked 120 cigarettes a day. After our conversation, that next week she had three and the week after she hasn't touched the cigarette again. Wow. Because her physiology, the form that is informed by your view of yourself, now is going to have different proclivities, different tendencies, different preferences. So I wouldn't be surprised, again, I don't know, it may not be instant, that your body no longer even wants marijuana. It doesn't like the taste of Dr. Pepper and it certainly would never drive through McDonald's drive drive by. Yeah. Do you see that? Yeah. Because your physical form as an extension of your energetic signature, it doesn't align anymore. Yeah, it's physically impossible, not physically impossible, but for me to go into like a fast food place, like it just, it doesn't align with who I am in the way that I view myself or the way that I revere the opportunity that it is to be me as a human being. Right. It doesn't align anymore. Yeah. Do you see? Yeah. So no longer those things no, not bad, they never were. They were just the extension of the bad through which you viewed yourself. They're just something that probably won't even resonate with the frequency, albeit only like 10, 2015 minutes old, but as you continue to embody that, you won't be drawn to substances like that. Yeah. That makes sense. How cool is that? Dude, that's awesome. That's what I wanted. Like, I just want to drink water and eat produce and be healthy and feel good. Yeah. But I didn't want that before. Like, I wanted it, but I didn't, I, I, I craved something different. And you're saying now with a new me, a new energy, a new frequency that those things will just be not even relevant anymore because now I'm just a different person. You won't even attract them into your field because it's not who you be. Yeah. Yeah. And again, just to make space for the phenomenal being you are, if occasionally there might be this, like, you know what, fuck it, you're out with the family. I'm going to have a doctor, Pepper, and you haven't had one for a month or a few weeks. Like, who cares? It doesn't have to be bad. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, just is. It just is. Yeah. I was going to say, how do you feel? but I think it's. pretty clear for everyone. You're the freaking man, bro. I love you so much, bro. Thank you. Thank you. You're a sweetheart. I just feel so blessed to get to do what I get to do, especially with people like you who showed up, you know, borderline only an hour ago who thought that there was something wrong with them. They were bad. They're broken. They have addictive problems and had all sorts of shame and guilt to the absolute boundless joy that is now evident in every cell of your body. I mean, what do you do? Yes. Oh, yeah, you are a sweetheart. And the world just became a much brighter place because Philip didn't try and heal himself anymore. He held the part of him that got hurt once, which everybody can relate to. And that's going to make you not only a better husband, a better father, a better friend, a better musician, and the people whose lives you've yet to touch that don't even know you exist. I just want to acknowledge you for the difference you're going to make that you don't even know yet. Dude, thank you, Peter. Thank you. There's not one human being alive, you know, the millions who will get to listen to this, who don't have their own form of addiction. It may not manifest in choosing substances as a solution to mitigate suffering, but it is nonetheless the addiction to thinking that they're not loved. They're worthless. They're not safe. Nobody loves them. They're not going to be okay. And so thank you for your courage of unability. You're absolutely beauty of spirit that allowed you to share things that are going to touch the lives of millions of people in their own form of addiction that I hope after this conversation, they now get to transcend and see as a fundamental lie and that beneath that is the pure love, freedom, possibility of the essence of who we all are.