21. Finding Freedom from Self-Judgment | Inside the Mastermind

Hi, this is Peter Crone and you are listening to Finding Freedom. This is a very special episode because instead of listening to just one coaching session, you're going to get to witness two, both directly from my mastermind, which right now is open for enrollment. So if you have enjoyed this podcast, if you get inspired and moved by these conversations I get to have with everyday folk like yourself who want to get out of the world of limitation, fear, suffering, disease and scarcity and you're ready to learn how to access the world of true freedom, love, joy, vitality and a sense of abundance, then I invite you to go to pticone.com/mastermind and join for mastermind 10. This is hands down my most powerful offering. We only offer it twice a year and as I said it's got an incredible new syllabus that I cannot wait to share with you to get you out of the world of survival and into the world of true freedom, love and pure possibility. But no further do, I hope you enjoy these conversations and continue to find freedom. Let's rock and roll, should we have some conversations, should we just tear up a little bit, blow some minds? I'm going to go straight to Barry just because he was the one dancing so much. Wow, wow. Hello, how are you sir? I'm great, thank you. Open you can help identify a blind spot that obviously I can't see it. That's why I'm calling it a blind spot. I feel it made a lot of progress and you know through this whole process and this MM9 experience has been really a combination of an integration and a journey I've been on the last couple of years. What is the perceived problem that you have? Procrastination. I feel like I'm standing. What's the problem with procrastination? Preassination is not a problem in it of itself. Frode, I feel like I'm freezing. I feel like I can't get to that gap between 1.0 and 2.0. Like I get really great days that rollercoaster riding between the writing of book, I'm doing a bunch of different other things I retired a year ago. Yeah. And just really feeling like some days literally I feel like I've just wasted the whole day doing this. Okay, who can relate to what Barry's saying? How many of you feel that you waste a lot of time? Right? Okay, great. So what I just said, and I hope you listen, I don't waste any words, right? You know that. So when he said procrastination, yeah, but procrastination is not a problem, right? That's a byproduct. What I hear in him saying procrastination, what do you hear? Everybody, pay attention. Judgment. What's underneath the story of procrastination is judgment. Can you see that Barry? Do you judge yourself for the fact that in your term you procrastinate or waste time? Yes. When you feel judged, how do you feel energetically? Damn. Yeah. Like of energy itself. I won't follow, right? This is energetics, right? If you judge yourself, you are in the energy of oppression. When somebody's oppressed, you're not inspired. It's a vicious cycle. Procrastination in of itself is not a problem. It's a byproduct of the fact that here's a human being who in 1.0 is going to judge himself. Where did you learn to judge yourself, Barry? Without a doubt, came from a father that was constantly judging myself. What did he say? I mean, anything from. It's okay. Just everything that I was in my state came at the wrong time. His mother died. Well, I was in the womb. Yeah. And from then on, he was an aggressive father. I'm of that age where being whipped and hit and punched and having to stand up for myself and my mother was just a repetitive patterns. And yeah, I was very successful in sports. And I just didn't matter if I scored three goals, five assists, I'd get in the car and be getting bitched at the whole way home about what I missed. And that's carried, you know, I gave him a lot of credit for the most of my life saying, yeah, he made me really strong at work and successful in the work, but it's because I always push myself for more and more and more and never celebrating anything. It was always the team helped me do it. I didn't do it. And it's transferred to everything. I mean, I can see that now. Sorry, I'm starting now. Shaking about probably battle on again. But yeah, exactly. It's been revealed that it's happened in every aspect of my life as a father as a husband, no, next husband. It's just there. And you know, Jared actually gave me a coaching session where I was able to kind of hug my five year old self. And it's, you know, there's five, six. It was always bang on six that I remember thinking I even no longer felt the love of my father because not only did I get hit, he humiliated me. My team lost got because he bansed me because I swore at him. They lost. Anyways, just constantly beating the shit out of myself and it happened. And then I assume the the president of I am bad. And I lived in that president and did a pretty good job of representing Yeah, yeah, I get it very well, based on everything you said, I just on behalf of the group, we want to celebrate you right now. Okay. Everything you've done, everything you haven't done. Everything you achieved is a kid, everything you've achieved is a father, even as a ex-husband. I right now I'm asking everybody just to celebrate you. Your whole life. Nothing to say, just feel it. We're happy you're here. We celebrate your existence. We celebrate everything that you did well. We celebrate everything that you didn't do well. We celebrate you simply being alive. You came at precisely the right time for all of us. And there was no mistake in that. Yeah, Lance. Lance, you know, that one president resonates and it's just holding you back a little bit, you know, again, we see it in the others. We feel stubborn wherever you go, it's our own. Yeah, yeah, I get it. It's okay. Not being able to fully love myself so that others could love me. I've had such amazing people in my life that loved me and I just couldn't. I couldn't let it land because I've never felt safe, never felt worthy. I get it. It's very clear. Yeah. It's okay. And we celebrate that. We celebrate your humanity and the beautiful boy who no matter how hard he tried, felt and believed that it was never enough and it was never right. You had nowhere else to go, which I can only imagine how scary and horrible a feeling that was. And yet you're here you are. Yeah, very grateful to the part of this community. That for sure, but I mean, here you are as a human that despite what you went through, you made it and I'm just wanting to acknowledge that. However, difficult it's been how many times you were hit or whipped or mocked or shamed or criticized or judged, you're still here and you were the guy dancing, making your smoothie. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, for the most part, yeah, I feel it and I think that's the most important thing is I feel it and it's just preventing myself from trying to name it because when I get into that name game, it brings up that. No, I get it. It's okay. You're smart. I get the whole world of it and it even explains like you're not babbling, you're telling a story and your stories to me, really are reflective of somebody who's a little boy who's scared. Right. So, you know, when people are nervous, they tend to sort of be a little fidgety or they say a little too much. Right. So it's an adorable aspect of you and as you grow into what I'm about to show you, you know, it's not so much that you're not going to say so much, it's just that your words are going to have more impact because you're going to be more precise. Right. You're intelligent, you're sharp, you're in a mastermind, you've obviously gotten through a lot of adversity. So what I want to understand is for sure that little boy felt he wasn't safe, that's part of it. But what is the big story? What is the big context? What is the blind spot as best as you can tell based on what I've reflected in the way that your father spoke to you and how you felt in his presence? What is the big story? And it ties into current day with procrastination. So as I said, there's nothing wrong with procrastination. procrastination is procrastination. It's a word which is really trying to capture what we would say as the absence of productivity, which is really another story that is judging our own lack of quote unquote, you know, fulfillment or efficiency. So it's tied to that too, meaning how does Barry talked to himself now even in the absence of your father, you know, his the irony, the enemy without becomes eventually the damage within, right? Like some meaning whatever you hear, you know, you've adopted this for yourself. So now you procrastinate, you know, before you didn't accomplish whatever sports prowess or results you were supposed to get and you got reprimanded. Now you reprimand yourself. Yeah. Yeah. Very judgmental and ultimately, I guess feeling I'm not, I'm not good enough. I mean, I don't think I've got that. That's part of it for sure, but it's a lot bigger for you, right? So not good enough. You obviously already said when we celebrated you there and everybody chimed in with their hearts and their, you know, celebratory emojis and you could feel that like you know that you've accomplished a lot, right? Even being a father is a huge accomplishment. So it's not about not being good enough. It's a much subtler but much more insidious form of judgment. It's okay. What has been consistent through life in the way that you've looked at all your actions, all your actions? I'm not saying it, Peter. I mean, I think that's okay. That's fine. And that's that is an honest answer. But look at it. What has been the consistent theme from procrastination now as an adult to as a boy, your performance at quote unquote was insufficient. What has always been the narrative around all of your actions? I'm not enough. I'm not good enough. You're in your, these are all bedfellows. Yeah. I know there's like a bunch of masks when you're yelling at their screen. Well, maybe, maybe not. This is subtle, right? So, so if there's judgment, what are you saying about something? You're bad, not enough, but what else? If somebody does something that you judge, it's because they did something wrong. Yes. Yeah. I've always thought I was wrong and I could have done better and been better and everything. Like you were, as soon as you mentioned father, you saw a trigger me because, oh, man, I'm blessed with the most beautiful two daughters in the world today. And I do believe those are good dad and coaching them and being there for their lives. But it still triggers me that God, I like some of this transgenerational shit transfer to them. And to listen to you speak now, you're in 1.0 judging. Same thing. Yeah. This is see folks, like, yeah, I really want you to get like water to a fish is like air to a human being, right? Like it's just around as we don't see it. But even more insidious is your narratives. Like they're so part of you. You don't see them. So even then he went off on a sidetrack, right? This is ego, like again, justifying its own perspective, which is even as a father. I think I did a good kid, you know, good job with my two beautiful daughters coaching them. But what's underneath it? But I probably did it wrong again. It's still judgment. I could have done better. See, his whole system is oriented to the fact that Barry, no matter what he does, it's wrong or it could have been better. Just get the get the existence that this man has. And now what is it? Show up procrastination. That's clearly he's doing it wrong again. Do you see? No, there's nothing wrong with procrastination. He's fucking sit on the couch all day and watch Netflix and he ice cream. There's nothing wrong. Do you produce so much? No, but it's not a judgment. It's just what you did. But when you live in judgment, you're less likely to be productive because it's an oppressive conversation. It's like this invisible like rope that's around your own potentiality. So what's it like, Barry, to walk around that no matter what you do, it's always insufficient. No matter what you do, it's always insufficient. Doesn't matter. It's painful. It's empty. And you know, when you build up this armor, I don't. You said, do you build up an armor? So this is the other one. Yeah. Yeah. It's okay. Yeah. I built up this armor and I'm chipping away at it and they will keep thinking, which I probably shouldn't stop thinking. You know, that over thinking battered bullshit. Yeah. There's no chip. Listen folks, you've got to listen to language, right? We get it. Chipping away seems like a good idea. It's not. It's reinforcing its existence. There's no chipping away. There's only the dissolution through truth. So Barry lives in a world where it doesn't matter what he does. There is an underlying and accompanying narrative that means that whatever he does is going to be judged. It doesn't matter if he won something was the MVP of a game as a kid, got all the accolades. It's still insufficient. I want you to presence for yourself. Imagine that no matter what you do, it's never right. That's a living hell. How old are you, Barry? 39. You could be based on the world you've lived in. I can age to. I'm 58. 58. Great. So almost six decades of living in a world that no matter what step you take, it is accompanied with judgment. What's that like? Docs and just suckers. It just feels set of all the moments that I knew were precious. Created dialogue to rule them. Well, not rule them. You know, you know what I mean? Just devalue them at the very least, devalue it and never see what's the impact on you right now as you look at that as you look back your life five and a half plus decades. That no matter how hard you tried, it was insufficient. No matter what you did, it was judged. No matter what actions you took, it was wrong. What kind of impact is that on your overall life? Not a father. No, great darkness when there is light. It'd be the most romantic way I could say it. But truly that's how it's felt that it was. How did it manifest in your marriage, your ex-marriage? I was in present. If I'm being completely honest, I went to work. I was a hospitality guy, dishwasher to VP kind of story for 58 years or for 48 years. And I was there for 80, 90 hours a week and then I had to, you know, find my chief. So I'd go golfing for another 30 hours a week. You can just start adding up to hours a week and who was I present for and you know, as I'm going through this process, I was present for everyone but me. And therefore the ones I loved that couldn't possibly be present for them. Not to the fullest extent, Danny. How old are you, daughters? 25 and 21. Awesome. And you have a good relationship with them. I do. They've been amazing. Okay. Awesome. Well, I'm happy to hear that. They're lucky to have you and they're about to have an even better father. So what is the fundamental library? That everything I do is insufficient. Now, now get it. Now don't just repeat it. Now generate it. Own it. Get it. Understand it. What is the lie you've been living in? No, I'm not. No, no, no, no, stay with it. This is important. This is like, this is how slippery the ego is. But everything I've done has been insufficient. Yes. What is the lie? Just keep saying with me. Keep saying everything I've done has been insufficient. And now you see other words just to mix it up. What is the lie? That everything I did was wrong. It could have been better. Yeah. Now you're now you're owning it. What was the lie you've been living in? There you go. Now we got it. Now own it. Keep generating it. This is how you've lived. Everything that I did was wrong and insufficient. Just stay with wrong. Just keep saying it. This is the world you've lived in for 50 years. What was the lie you've lived in? That I was wrong. Everything you did was wrong. The lie I've been living, that is that everything I did was wrong. Somehow it's bringing an energy to go bullshit. No, I want you to get a bit pissed. I want you to get a bit angry. Well, what is it like to live in a world where you're constantly told that no matter what you do, it's wrong. Fucking frustrating. Yeah, there you go. It was very frustrating and angry and artful and damn. Damn right it was. It wasted a lot of so much energy. Denying your whole existence. You should be pissed. And deflecting it at others. Everything I did was wrong, it was bullshit. It's complete bullshit. [COUGH] What is it like now on the precipice of realizing that was a lie? What might become available in these seconds as you now start to see? That that was a lie that everything you did was wrong? What now might you be able to step into? But everything I did was right because I'm here. Me, powerful, stronger. Yeah, and beyond right or wrong, that's not a wrong answer. But everything you did is just what you did, Barry, and everything that you're going to do for the rest of your life is what you're going to do. Who could you be as a human being if all of your actions were simply your actions without any judgment? Rebeater to be here. That's where I could be with that. Yeah. You just get to be you no matter what you do. Yeah. Yeah, there you go. That's the place you're not familiar with. Yeah. That's something to celebrate. There it is. What might it be like for you as a grown man with a big heart, intelligence accomplished all these years in hospitality, the number of people you must have taken care of, the things you achieved as a kid, to now realize that first of all, nothing you did was wrong. And that moving forward for the rest of your life, it's literally, literally impossible for you to do anything wrong. Are the consequences of behavior? Of course, that's physics. But emotionally, psychologically, nothing you're going to do for the rest of your life will ever be insufficient. It feels great. I mean, it feels like I'm. Yeah. It needs. If I had a cartoon in my mind, which I do, I don't know why, but like, armor is flying off me right now that I can just finally say, "Fuck it." Hey, again, another t-shirt. You heard it from Barry, "Fuck it." What did you get from the mastermind? "Fuck it." Yeah. And I can feel the slight resistance that. Yeah, of course. Trying to pull me back, but no, it's. It's just such useless energy to spend there. I need to let that go. Yeah. Because it's true. Not true. I mean, it is. Not true. You're now developing a relationship with reality is that we all do what we do, and we all don't do what we don't do. The story is around it is where the suffering is. So now, if you really understand what I just said, and I'll repeat it because I know you're processing, we all as humans do what we do, and we don't do what we don't do, right? That's physics. What creates suffering is a story we attribute to what we do, and what we don't do. Your story was that it didn't matter what you did or what you didn't do. It was always wrong or insufficient. In the absence of that story, you just do what you do, and you don't do what you don't do. You see, that's physics. So now, let's apply it to the first thing you shared with us, procrastination, which is you're doing something sitting on the couch, you know, watching TV or doing jack shit, and what you're not doing is writing a book or whatever you think you should be doing. But now, from the place of you, do what you do, and you don't do what you don't do, procrastination falls in that bucket, right? In both. So is there anything wrong with procrastination? No. It's just a day where you didn't do shit. Yeah. Why does that? And why is that energy? It'll be a don't have. Oh, man. Well, why judge it? Yeah, there's easy way of making it go, well, this seems so foolish that I can spend fucking decades doing that. Yeah. So here's the joy. When you don't judge procrastination, you just said, folks, listen to language. He now recognized that was a waste of energy. When you waste energy, are you motivated to do shit? No, because you don't have the energy, because you just wasted it. You see? So if he doesn't judge himself for procrastinating, which now won't be called procrastination, or because I'm going to just put my feet up for a while, I'll take a nap, then he will not be judging himself, won't waste energy, which means then he'll have energy to get on with what he wanted to do. It's physics. And if he doesn't want to do it, because maybe I don't know, he didn't sleep well, he had some shitty food. Tough news that he heard about a daughter, which is life. And he doesn't feel inspired. But you can't feel inspired when you live in a world where it doesn't matter what you do, you're judging yourself and beating the shit out of yourself. He may well have been whipped and beaten by a dad, but he's been whipping and in beating himself for decades way past his dad's stopping. Do you see that, Barry? Thank you. Yeah. Which is normal, because there's the language we use, and there's the language it uses us. You've heard me say it before. So the language it's been using, Barry, is it doesn't matter what he does, accomplishments, which he's got done off, or sitting around doing nothing, he's just going to judge himself. And then judgment becomes an oppressive energy, which itself means he's not capable or not available for expressing himself freely. Do you see, Barry? Oh, I guess see it, Peter. I think there's an energy going through me right now that this is energetic. I think it's a word to say it. But no. I see it and I hear it. Yeah. And it was a blind spot. I don't think it brought something completely from out of the dark, but I guess the approach was completely blind and a deal with it. Yeah. Again, it's just the use of language. It's code. You could ask someone to redo a website and change the color of the background. They could be close to the area, but they're not in the precise spot for whatever it is needed to change the color. So likewise, you knew you weren't maybe good enough or you knew you were bad. But really, the big catchal is it doesn't matter what you do, it's going to be wrong. Do you see that's a catchal? Not being enough. Yeah, that works inside of that. Do you see? There's sort of circles within circles with the mind. So if we can get the biggest circle that just dissolves all the others, then not being enough is irrelevant, being bad is irrelevant. Because it was all sustained by whatever you did was insufficient or wrong. But when you see that's a lie. It's a lie. It was great. You got pissed for a minute. Like you should be angry living in a world of constraint. People who get jailed, get angry until they become resigned and apathetic and they realize, you know, they become hopeless. But to begin with this, I've fucked this like they want to get out of there because we're free. To be confined goes against our nature and we fight. You just become so resigned. So when I pull that back to the surface, it's going to bring what is appropriate, which is frustration. It's like, what the fuck have I done with my life? Other than judge myself as a continuation of what I heard as a kid. Well, yeah, it should be a while. It is a while. Because now you get your life, Barry. You get your life now. You get to be you. And I don't know what that looks like. It doesn't matter. You can procrastinate for the whole fucking week. Who cares? You'll be the happiest procrastination of your fucking life. This is awesome doing nothing. I'm amazing. I don't even know. You'd be calling your friends like, what are you doing? I'm doing nothing. They're like, really? Yeah, it's amazing. I'm one of the most extraordinary human beings I know because I can do nothing and I don't judge myself. It's really quite, I'm accomplishing a lot, actually. No, I'll put it to better use than that. No, you will, I know. But I'm just putting it on perspective. So those days that we all have where we don't necessarily feel like our extraordinary nature, that's okay. We embrace our humanity. But what I can see for Barry is look out world. That's what I see. Yeah, that's what I'm feeling. The laser focus coming back. And I think that's what I'm meant by that procrastination. It's focusing on the wrong things and start focusing on the right things. Well, it goes back to the distinction I am reinforced today. What you're going to tap into is creative wanting, not reactive wanting. Right? Meaning you're going to be like, I'm going to live from something. The energy of you are, the love that you are, the power that you are, the creation that you are. You were living in a reactive world, reaction to what? That it is a matter of time. That's what I'm saying. matter what you do, it's all wrong. That's a reactive state. Now it's like, look our world. I'm unstoppable. I'm gonna do whatever I consciously choose to create. Fuck. Okay, there you go. Barry's T-shirt. Fuck it. Fuck yeah. On the front. Fuck it. On the back. Fuck yeah. And then somewhere inside, let's fucking go. Yeah, right. LFG. LFG, baby. Yeah. Okay. Thank you, Peter. So what was the lie? What was the lie? But everything I did in my life was wrong. Every. Do you hear the difference, folks? He now isn't repeating it. He knows he's remembering. He realizes he's seeing. Yeah. Like he can, he knows. He now knows that everything that he thought was wrong wasn't. It's just what he did. I told you the story of when I was 15. I backed my dad's car out of the garage. Think I'd just try because he was a work. I knocked the fucking wall down. If any kid had an excuse to think that what he did was wrong, it would have been me at that moment. And of course, at 15, I thought I was bad and wrong. But no, that's perfect behavior for a 15 year old who's excited to learn to drive, who's had a few lessons with his dad. I was completely aligned with where I was at. Cool, right, Barry? Really cool. Guys, just do one good thing. Sure. How many people enjoyed that? How many of you could see that there's a degree of your own sort of self-limitation thinking you're not free to be you, right? Hi, Jeanette. Hi. I did not think you're going to see my name. Same my name. Well, that's what you get for thinking. Okay, I don't even know where to start, but I will start. I feel like I've been held back in my personal expression a little like never quite been seen for the gifts I feel like I have inside. And then I just sort of say, well, oh well, and settle. Yeah. And you know, in my early life, again, a story that I only know because I've been told, but when I was like, I think five months old, I was second born. I had a little brother that would have was two and my parents were young and he drowned. And so they were left with me. And over the next eight to 10 years quickly accumulated four more children. I'm sure to fill the void and so forth. But I always had a different role in the family because I was at least that was my perception. I don't know if it that I've always felt like a different place in the family, even though I didn't really have the words at the time that that happened, but there were stories they were told me about, you know, being left and forgotten in the crib and just the different things that they dealt with in their grief. And I know those things inform my life and through therapy many years ago, you know, looking at that more deeply. But I just don't feel like my life has been as fully abundant as it could be. And so I don't really know how to make it any different, except when I saw you probably last year, it kept popping up on the Instagram. And I spoke to a young coach who seemed well informed by your work because I kept thinking, oh, that sounds like Peter Crone. And then, you know, the mastermind was coming around and I couldn't quite make the commitment in my mind of taking on the financial and the time. And then I don't know, I listened to one of your interviews with someone and I thought, I can't not do this. It was almost like, I don't know, I really mean to like, it's my last chance, but it was that sense of, I cannot not do this. I have to do this. So, you know, here I sit with so many people around the world, which just kind of blows my mind, this mind. And I don't know what my question is, except that I'm looking to know myself more deeply and more deeply and there's some part of me that once, maybe a bit of excellence about my life. And yet I have a beautiful life on another side, but it's not, I don't know, is it awesome? I don't know. I don't really feel that. Yeah, I get it. Well, may I be the first of, I'm sure everyone would say, we're happy you're here, first of all, and I'm glad that you realize you could not, not do it. But you know, my, my intention for the world, right? Like I do the best I can to explain the unexplainable because people who've never been at this container can't possibly fathom the things that we've all now witnessed over and over, which for me, this is now my ninth. And I've been doing it for years before, not in a mastermind, but helping people. I could do this for the rest of my life. There's nothing more profound as far as I'm concerned than to see what we've witnessed with Marla and Barry and Suzie and, and shortly with you, which is this revelation to me, it's, it's the real purpose of being human is what we see and witness in this mastermind. So I'm glad that whatever called you, despite the commitments to be here, I'm grateful. Thank you. And I get, and I get who Jeanette is and you've given me enough into an sort of intel to maybe be able to put some of the pieces together while your life is good, but maybe not awesome. And I really get that, you know, you're an elegant, smart, kind, beautiful woman in your own regard. And that could be seen as someone who has a nice life. But I can see the part that you're sort of trying to put your finger on. There might be a little dormant or not quite missing. So what do you feel in the best that you could, you know, articulate might be that prison or what might be holding you back a little bit? I mean, a little bit what Barry said, that I can't seem to get things right. But it's almost like sometimes it's just not being enough. In that realm, right? So I think there's a subtlety like you only gave me one indication with the story of you were less than the crib, right? But then also the fact that your brother passed, you were left alone like so the combination of those two sort of create an interesting conundrum. So what might have been the story that that little girl made up when you heard the stories that you were told? There was a sense of like being different because my other four siblings even now, we don't really have, I mean, we don't have a close connection. Yeah. That's part of it for sure. Yeah. Yeah. I just sometimes like a feeling of being outside of things and a little bit like Susie of hiding. Yeah. I always had the sense that I had to be good and not cause them any problems. Yeah. And yeah. My mom even said once she said, you made it so easy because I thought all the kids are going to be like you. And then the other four were not like that. But you know, and yeah. Which is a key component to these so folks, when we have a story, so the common that came from the mother, a very important archetype was you made it so easy. That's after the behavior that had already been established for Jeanette. So she behaved in a certain way that then got acknowledged. And this is how slippery prisons become double the barrier third, you know, they become even thicker. It's like, oh, she's already in the prison, but she's being acknowledged for the prison. So let's hold on to that even more. Does that make sense? Right? Yeah. I really broke the image when I divorced at age 40. So that, but yeah, that really broke the image for them at that point. But so there's been a busking. Yeah. There's been a busking out for over 20 years, but still not quite. No, I don't have my finger on it yet. No, it's okay. Well, you've said it, but it's so interesting that the way we say things, they occur to us is that's the way it is. Right? So the one thing you've said is that you're different, even from your other siblings, right? Now, what is the significance of your different? Right? Meaning different has got an associated meaning. It's sort of, it's this money thing really because it's like always doing what was expected or what was right or being well liked or whatever those stories were in my life. But my siblings calling me misperfect or whatever other things that might come up, you know, maybe my sister in high school writing my name on the bathroom wall and something. So and we've had this in the stories too with everyone is that how a younger sibling feels less than because you did so well. So then here it is like my value. I'm supposed to like not be too shiny because then I'm showing off for. Yeah. So I can see as we're processing that this plays out in my life that way. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So it's kind of interesting and this seems to be the theme with each module as a continuation. Right? So Barry, I feel like you're sort of a combination of Barry and Susie, right? The same things, right? The good girl who even got acknowledged and you made Mum's life easy. It's like, oh, good. I'm getting accolades for playing small. So let's keep doing that. So that's the, you know, the good girl don't do anything wrong. But then God forbid has talented intelligent and kind as brilliant as you were and all that that makes other people feel inadequate. Right? Don't do that. That's bad. Yeah. That's like don't be don't have money because that's bad. Yeah. As we were talking about. Yeah. But money again, because I've said is an expression of energy. In this case, worth value. But not having money, which is really energetically saying don't have value. Right? So then that would explain your behavior of not shining. Don't have value. So being different, what is the underlying connotation with that? Well, something's wrong with me. Yeah. Yeah. Something's wrong with you. And if you're different, you don't want with the gang. Definitely don't fit in. Do you? Yeah. Right? So not fitting in is the experience of isolation and separation, which is the antithesis of abundance, right? Because if you separate something, the second law of thermodynamics is entropy. Things break down. We're designed to belong because underneath it all, we really are all interconnected. So you can't not be connected, but your experiences I don't belong. And I would assert it may be subtle, but what I hear energetically is when you're told the story of, oh, we left you in the crib. Like it's kind of anecdotal, cute, funny, you know, maybe not because they were grieving. But what I hear for that little girl is if you were left in the crib, what did that mean about you? I didn't matter. Yeah. And that one, I think that's more of a core. Yeah. That I don't matter. Even though it seems ridiculous because there's been so many things in my life that have shown me I have mattered, but it is. But it's that outer expression versus what I have here. See, why I feel that there is one of the core. What I heard in my energy is like you're not so important, not as important, which is akin to you don't matter, right? It's not that you don't matter. It's just that you're somehow less important. Yeah. Settle, right? Like you matter. You got food and, you know, birthday gifts and Christmas presents, but you're not as important. Yeah. And I think one of my birthdays, I remember my parents were self-employed and it was probably eight o'clock at night. I think it was my 13th or birthday and they brought in this cake from some store and, you know, apologize that they've been so busy and had, you know, this was what we were doing. And, you know, there was a little trick hundred dollar bill at the time tucked in under the cake so when you cut it. But it was just like it had to be this, I know, they had to draw it out so that I would like really believe that they were too busy and I didn't matter. And yeah, here's your birthday. And I mean, it's a silly thing, but still as you say that it pulls that out of me. But it's a distinct memory because what I hear is you're an afterthought. Yeah. I let that land. Yeah. I can feel it out. Well, it's a light to just be the beautiful woman you are with the skill, kindness, love that you're just an afterthought. I don't know. There's a bit of a sadness around that. There should be. Yeah, that kind of hurts. With as much as I can imagine you give and the the eloquence with which you speak, the way you've paid attention in this module, you've remembered everyone's names, their stories, you're very present, you know, you're quite an extraordinary human. But from your own perspective, you're sort of an afterthought for everybody else. I mean, as part of your introduction at the beginning, you said something I believe it was like where you just don't necessarily feel seen. Yes, and yet here I am. In the spotlight, which is surprise, right, which is great because this is your metamorphosis. This is your moment, not in any way to make it significant, but meaning this is your time to stop playing that game. Well, I'll sue you to get up and play the piano, even though we can hear the intention is for her to not hide. Yeah. So likewise now for you to not be an afterthought with all these people from all around the world, you know, they are here to see you, which a one level can be disconfining, but in another level, there's a part of you that perclaims that, not in a needy way, but just as a human who wants to be recognized. Yeah. Yeah. So when you combine all of the things that happened, you know, the passing of a brother, which is horrific, the grief of the parents that then obviously has them being their own cloud of sadness and grief and discombobulation, you know, left you feeling like you weren't as important, your needs didn't matter, and you're just a bit of an afterthought. And as a result, it would make sense, then as a little girl, you would make sure that you didn't draw too much attention. There was always the attention I would draw would be for doing things that were, you know, if it was playing the piano or something from school, I loved school because you were rewarded for the things you did when you're in school. Yeah, or I just say, you're just don't know about it. Yes, I was, I felt like that was the place where I could shine, you know, that someone noticed something I did. Yeah. Yeah. So you've got to recognize there's almost like this unwritten rule that a lot of humans being have, which is something about like to shine is somehow bad. Like, you know, there's, it's incredible how many people think that to be extraordinary is something we really shouldn't be. Yeah. Which I know is not true, but I just never felt like it's for me. Yeah, it's like the beginning when I asked about money, you know, money's for other people, accolades, attention, love, acknowledgement, recognition, that's for other people, but Jeanette should just be quiet and she'll be a good citizen and a good girl and that's where you don't have the fulfillment. Right. Yeah. Or combination of don't do anything wrong, meaning don't upset the Apple car. You're an afterthought. So don't, you know, you're really, you're needs don't matter. So then, you know, you're getting whatever you're getting slim pickings and crumbs. Don't ask for more. Just be okay with what I'm getting combined with the belief that like Suzy, you're not free to fully express yourself. You know, stay within the lines, you know, the guardrails of self-expression. Right. And then you end up with this sort of with no due disrespect mediocre life. Yeah. I mean, I know, I mean, it's been, it's been, there's been extraordinary things for sure. And I think maybe this was a kind of a area of lately of feeling that flatness and why I knew I had to join this group, this, I didn't know exactly what was going to come of it. But yeah, I just knew I had to join. Great. Well, I'm ready to fuck some shit up with you. Oh, no. So what's the lie? What's one of the lies, Jeanette? One of them is that I don't matter. Yeah. What's tied to that? If you don't matter, you're after An afterthought? Yeah. Yeah, you're just going to like you there, but we'll get to you now whenever we get to it and we're about it, right? Yes, you'll be fine. You'll be fine. You're always going to be fine, aren't you? Yeah. So, is it true? Is an absolute truth that you're an afterthought? No, it's not true that I'm an afterthought. Not at all, right? No. And she's like, no, that's a ridiculous statement. Yeah. Is it true that you're need no matter? Well, that one's harder. It's not true that my needs don't matter. No. Even if they're not recognized by other, you're need's matter too. Myself. Yeah. And is it true that you shouldn't shine? No. I should shine. Fucking A, you should. Yeah. Yeah. In fact, I would consider you recognizing what I feel you just got. It's actually a crime that you don't. Yeah, the Marianne Williamson, yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm. You playing small does not serve the world. Right. Quite the opposite. So, that's part of the sadness. It's not only the feeling of your own value not being seen, but more importantly, it's your own value that you are thwarting and holding back. Yeah. It's like a self-restriction. Just like we saw with Susie, just like we saw with Barry, Barry was hit. He was whipped. Don't wish that on any kid. Mm-hmm. As he said, it's part of his generation. And yet, for the last probably, you know, 30 years, he's been quote, unquote whipping himself. Right. Susie had the eyes of, you know, the guard of her mother on her, but for the last probably again, 30 years plus, she's been the one vigilant to her own behavior. And likewise now for Jeanette, thinking that you're an afterthought and you mustn't shine was your conversation to yourself for the last few decades. Yeah. And what? Daylight robbery. Yeah. Isn't that? For sure. So what becomes available now? I don't have to hide. I can shine and be free to do that. Yeah. What might that look like? I know this is a brand new step into a world you're not so familiar with, but what might you shining start to look like? It's an energy, but if we were to see you for the next few days, the next few weeks, what why, what might we witness? I guess more expressing myself to others. Yeah. I mean, I work remotely a lot and then I'm out. But that's, that's not really the work I want to do anyway. So the work I want to do always seems like it's the work that doesn't flower. I mean, a little bit. And then I just always talk it up too well. It's not something to support me. So what's the work you want to do? Well, the work I've done, I always have like a job of some sort. But I have been in a healing practice for, practice for over 20 years. I'm certified as a health and wellness coach and also what inspired me to be in this group. But that's not the way I express myself. Most days it's working at a computer for one of those health companies that aren't health. No. So let's go back. So now why might your health coaching not have flourished? Well, because I don't want to shine. But I'm going to. And I'm talking right. And also you use the word healing, right? So again, I'm not proposing. Well, I should say it's hands on, it's like an energy work. So. Yeah. But now being again, and I'm going to be straight with you, this is a tough love part, right? So you are occupationally, I can feel and you would be amazing as somebody who cares wants to help energy healing. Have you categorized it? And now being completely authentic and honest with yourself, diligently looking at your energy was before this conversation. Why would your profession not take off based on who you were being? Well, because it's the reflection of who I'm being. So I don't, if I don't have clients or people asking me, it's because I don't want to shine. Correct. That's one part. Right? But if you're in an afterthought as a business, how does a business go? Oh, yeah, shit. Yeah. Yeah. There's a bunch of stores on the road that you're walking down. Yeah. Yeah. You see one store that is like, well, that looks good, but let's go and see if there's something better. Right. And I felt that way a lot in my practice. Yeah. Shocker. Yeah. Oh, so I hope you get this right. This is the one who cares who's articulate who wants to make a difference who would be an incredible coach. We're talking about value, but she's an afterthought and then wondering why her business isn't thriving. Yeah. Isn't that crazy? Oh, I could feel that. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. So what's the lie in that arena? I'm not an afterthought. But no, you're the person that everybody wants to come to for you. Yeah, that they're thinking of me. Actually, I got an email this morning from someone out of the blue. So before this started. So I was like, I was feeling something. Yeah. So I'm not an afterthought. Not at all. The only thing that had you be an afterthought was a thought. Yeah. So not only is it like, yeah, that's nice. Yeah, that's very nice. Is that how's that hitting you? Let us, how does that feel? Yeah, just like expansion. Yeah. Here, yeah. Yeah. Isn't that cool? Yeah. And just became available to people that don't even yet know you exist. Yeah. Thank you. Isn't that cool? Yeah. I never even thought that I wasn't. Wasn't afterthought. No, that's why it's a blind spot. Yeah. Oh, thank you. Yeah. Thank you, Peter. Isn't that cool? That's wonderful. And now be it under the thought that you're an afterthought that just logistically in terms of the obvious of a person walking past the store that then goes to a different thought because you're an afterthought as a metaphor, right? The particular discipline that you're bringing, which is healing, freedom, energy work itself couldn't be expressed from within somebody's view of constraint. Do you understand? Meaning? Say again. Okay. So everyone gets the obvious connotation of, I'm an afterthought using the analogy of storefronts, right? Like as a very simple visual. If you're a storefront, but you're an afterthought, then energetically someone's going to walk past yours. They might come back because you're an afterthought. If this other restaurant doesn't work out, we'll go to this one, right? That's the afterthought analogy. Right. Right? But energetically, see, you're not in the restaurant business. You're in the energy and healing business. So yours is double compounded or was because you're an afterthought. So people walk, walk past you to go to something else. But also what you're offering can't be offered because you're in a prison where people can't see it. Yes. Yes. Yes. You see? Is that powerful to see? So it's like you've got the gift, but you're in the store behind the storefront. So people don't even know there's a store there to enter. Yeah. Because you're hiding and playing small. It's not only an afterthought, but your particular service that people would look for, they can't see because you don't display it. Yeah. And that's in here. Correct. It's all right. Yeah. Right. It's not like because I don't have the website that's right or. It doesn't matter. You can have every fucking piece of social media. You can have a social media manager. It wouldn't work. Right. Right. Exactly. You're not available to show really like and it now you would have got a couple of clients here. Yeah. And technically you wouldn't get the clientele because they can't perceive it. Right. Like there's many people who see what they want, but because of the energy of the person displaying it, they can't see it. It's a different form of seeing. And then the other one going back to what you've said before and I've heard many other ways is that the universe is going to match that. And a journey of absolutely not only you and afterthought the metaphor visually is very easy. Two restaurants on the street. Now let's go to this one. If it does. If it doesn't work out, we'll go to the other one, you. But it always works out because they sit down. By the time they sit down, I fuck it. We don't want to go, you know, that's human nature. So you're the one that's overseen. If you were selling cars, you know, you wouldn't have such an obstacle even though you're an art, it would still be an impediment to business 'cause you're an afterthought. But I want you to see so we can up the ante of your liberation is not only are you an afterthought, people walk past your store, but what you're specifically offering can't be offered when you're hiding. - Yeah. - Right, 'cause you play small, don't be too big. But what people come to you for is ironically their version of playing big, they want to shine. That's not what they think, they have anxiety, they've had a breakup, their best friend died. But what they want to tap into is life. - Yeah. - But they couldn't find that with you because you were suppressing your life. - Ooh. - You see now? - Yeah, yeah. - So now you get a double whammy in the right direction of like, you're not a fucking afterthought and you're gonna shine. - Yeah. - There's not a human being who doesn't want to shine even if their thinking is I don't want to shine. Do you see? - Wow. - That's their version of your prison, the same thing. They want to shine. So that's the healing and the holding that you couldn't offer because you were hidden. - And I'm an afterthought or I was, I'm not. - No, fuck no, she's like, "Get rid of that, yeah." - Yeah. Oh, wow. That's great. - Isn't that beautiful? - Yeah, it is so beautiful. And I just imagine that I'm not alone in this kind of a feeling in the world. So. - That's precisely my point about the second is now you get to actually offer what people are looking for that you couldn't offer because you were suppressed. Do you see? Now you get it. - Yeah, it's like ridiculous. (laughing) - Yeah. Yeah. Right now, see, you are offering what I would consider. Ah, so's a group. What is so clear to me was the word. When you said, "There's something missing. My life's not bad. I'm fine." No, the one thing that was missing, do you know what it was in one word? That you're starting to express an experience. If you were to put it in one word. - Mm. - Light. - Light is for sure, baby. - Presence. - Presence. - And the smiling and the laughing. - Joy. - Bingo. - Yeah. Oh, yeah. - Yeah. - That was the only thing missing in your life, didn't it? - Oh. (laughing) - Not that it's not a big thing, but joy. - It's a big thing, yeah. - Massive, it's everything. - Yeah. - And I had an insight to that during this mastermind. I think I wrote on the feed. I was just at my desk working and some music started to play. And I could feel like that big expansive feeling in my chest. And it was this aha of, oh my God. This is coming out of me. This is not coming from that music. I mean, that might have like instigated, but it was the locus of joy had changed in my mind. It wasn't outside of me. But then, you know, that was, I don't know, mastermind three or four. I don't remember how, I mean, module three or four. And so it's like the weeks go by and I'm like, I'm trying to grasp this, but, oh, thank you so much. - Thank you, because. - J-O-Y. (laughing) - Yeah, truly. I mean, like, I invite you and actually everybody to watch this particular segment when it's recorded and up on your dashboard. And look at Jeanette at the beginning of this conversation and what we're witnessing. It's like two different people. Her eyes, her skin, her smile, you will see a different human. Not that she was unattractive, not present, not articulate, but the energy of joy that is now coming to the forefront that is her birthright was the only thing missing, regardless of whether she was selling cars in a restaurant or doing healing work, it doesn't matter. But as an afterthought who was not allowed to shine based on her own thinking, joy can't be present. The irony is she's trying to offer joy, okay, packaged differently as healing, right? But really, we could say that what does everybody want? Is joy. - Wow. - For you, it's energetic work, it's healing, it's coaching, whatever it is, it doesn't matter. The masquerade, what you're delivering the medicine is joy. And hence you couldn't attract people because you weren't accessing your own in a locus of joy, which is beautifully articulated, that now you get to be the living embodiment of, which is what people are drawn to. - Wow. - Not only you now, not an afterthought, they see your storefront first, but there's like, well, that place looks so fun. I'm gonna go in there. - I'm gonna see the other fucking restaurant. - Yeah, I like the sound of that. - Yeah, right? - Mm-hmm. - Yeah. So you now are joy embodied. - Which is who you were before you were taught unconsciously, not to express joy. Your joy is the same as shining. - Yeah, well, thank you, Peter. - Thank you. You brought a lot of joy to this too, but I have no doubt. Bringing joy to the world. - Yes, joy to the world. - That's a question of the Catholic, I can't let you. - Yeah. - There you go. - Thank you so much. - Yeah, busy living, all right? - Okay. - You are not an afterthought.