01. Finding Freedom from Health Struggles with Nadya

What's it like to live for that little girl in that energy? It's Harry. I mean, it was pure fear. I'm sorry you went through that. I'm tired of this. Yeah, it's exhausting. All I've learned is coping. I've white knuckled my way to where I am right now. My whole nervous system is just done. What you just said there to me is one of the most profoundly articulate ways of describing every human being's journey. Hi everyone. I hit rock bottom after rock bottom and I know it's all related to poor health habits that I'm not exercising, that I'm not eating right, and knowledge is there. Okay, I don't need to know what to do, but habits are really, really tough for me. It's just so frustrating. I feel like I'm pissing my life away. I want to be example to my son. I've been procrastinating in every area. You know, it's actually quite embarrassing. The certain things are moving in the right direction, but when it comes to food, I suck at it. Hi, this is Peter Crone, and you are listening to another episode of Finding Freedom. In this conversation, I had the pleasure of speaking with an extraordinary woman born in Russia called Nadia, who through her vulnerability and courage shared one of what I consider to be the most ubiquitous prisons that we can all relate to as human beings, which is the feeling of not being enough. So if you have any sense of inadequacy where you can relate to the sense of not being good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, tall enough, wealthy enough, then I really hope that through the generosity, the narrative of Nadia's own in a dialogue, you can see your own version and the fundamental lie that it is for any human being to think that they are not enough, and hopefully through her in this conversation, you can, for yourself, discover an immense amount of new found freedom. So I did see your little video submission, which was lovely, and to get a sense of what you have been struggling with, which seems to be mostly in the arena of health for you and wait. So give me a little bit more of the background of what your story is about that and what your struggles have been with it. Yeah, so we just kind of want to mention of it, but really, like I was thinking about this, how to phrase it in a more holistic way is really the feeling of stuck. So I've been doing lots of soul searching throughout the years for different reasons, you know, I'm quite a light in human being, you know, when the strike was over such, but the less action is kind of really hard, and I've been digging a lot into this, trying to figure out what could be the underlying course, but nevertheless, I mean, the problem is really, whether it's health or is it career, I'm stuck, and just, yes, I've achieved incremental gains now and then, of course, right, this nothing is ever, you know, stagnant completely, but I'm frustrated, I'm 42, and I don't feel like, you know, I'm kind of moving from crisis to crisis, right, so with the health, it's like, first of all, it was like, if I deliver with some nodes, then it, and you know, it brings me that, well, first of all, it was really COVID, right, I was struggled with this and then I survived, I mean, I got my, like, I got a grip and cut my act together and did some drastic changes, but it didn't last very long, right, and then it was another thing and another, right, I'm 42 and my career is nowhere in my health, this could be much better, I know a lot, I mean, I don't need to be told, I mean, I help everyone around me, my husband lost weight, I mean, my friends are getting in their super performance kind of things because I know I've tried, I mean, I'm a wealth of information, yet, you know, I'm kind of reached the point where even a basic self care is a chore, okay, you know, and I don't know whether it's a systemic fatigue because I'm, I'm, I was born and Soviet Russia, you know, and of course, it doesn't have to be, I mean, I was nine years old when it collapsed, but I mean, my parents are, you know, you know, viscerally, Soviets, and it's like that mentality of have to shoot, and this whole scenario and then going on to my head constantly about shoots and I shoot and I really, and it's just only if I applied consistent action, right, over the time, I would have been, I feel like I would have been much further away. And having said all this, I sometimes look at my life and thinking, it would have been just so great just to wake up and be that person I want to be, you know, without catching up, without shoots, without has to, you know, and just, you know, be, you know, I mean, just leaving that life. Yeah, I'll see in person, healthy person, successful person. I mean, for real wise, right? Seeing person. Yeah, so, I guess, that's my introduction. No, I love it. And I really, you know, a couple of things that come to mind that I just want to acknowledge you for is one, the fact that you're obviously Russian domicile, you've traveled around the world. But yeah, you're so articulate in English, which, you know, it's very helpful for me because I don't speak a lick of Russian. It allows this conversation to happen, which speaks volumes about your intelligence. And I can also see what a big heart you have and how much you obviously impact the lives of people around you. So it's really beautiful. And I just wanted to point that out because it's never lost on me the fact that I attract such wonderful good humans, you know, who even in the face of their own frustrations can still show up for others. And it's a really beautiful quality. So hopefully today I can show up for you and help you bring some relief to your own existence, your own way of being and to your own humanity. So, you know, the first things that come to mind, I love that you're aware of the distinctions, distinctions of shoulds and haftos. It's something I speak about in one of the modules in my mastermind and help people create or understand how they create so much of their suffering. So, if we start to see the correlation between that choice of languaging, if I have to, if I should, you can see that it creates pressure, right? Then you're putting a lot of expectations on yourself. And fundamentally, it's creating your frustrations because you're intelligent. You have the wherewithal, as you said, you know a lot of information about a lot of things, especially as it relates to health, you're able to impact the lives of others and yet for some reason you're not able to do it for yourself. So, which makes total sense from my perspective and hopefully I can help you see that. So, within that realm of shoulds and haftos, the oppression that we put on ourselves is ironically the same energy that you call being stuck, right? Because what you're doing is if I were to use my hands and if anyone's listening, you can't see this, but it's like I'm pushing towards the screen, which is that feeling of you're being suppressed by something or someone, like if someone was, you know, literally holding you down through or for people lying on top of you, then there's that feeling of being stuck and held down, right? That's obviously a very simple visceral analogy like where there's physical people holding you down, but what you're doing on bonones to yourself or at least you're aware of it is, you know, energetically emotionally holding yourself down. So, that is where you're feeling stuck, is that you have this implication or this very clear distinction for yourself that where you are is not where you should be or where you want to be and that you have to do something not to be there. So, before I get into how we can undo that, tell me a little bit about your childhood and what that was like growing up in Russia with that kind of, as you said, both culture and probably the mentality of your parents. What was that like for you as a kid? Well, I mean, I've unraveled lots of this, but yeah, let me tell you the story. So obviously, we grew up in a harsh climate, right? We just went there and for the sake of, you know, for the sake of parents' job and then I started a music school from six years old. I mean, I basically had two schools full-time, right? It was just unbearable load. I mean, it was a struggle in a way that I didn't really spend much time building relationship, building my humanity, building my other skills. Yet, I was under this huge, humongous pressure of performing in both schools, right? And my parents, I mean, of course, my mom was, which as I realized now, she was probably, has a severe, was part of depression. At the time, we didn't have washing machines, washers, I mean, my mom was barely, she was very sleeping, right? You know, so she was always agitated. And so for me, I developed a part of perfection, right? To be like, to be accepted, you know, and not to be yelled at all the time. And it's not the question of, of course, now for giving my mom because I have my own child now, we live together, I completely understand what she went through, right? So, the passion is there, right? And, you know, yet my dad was quite detached. I think, like, thinking of my dad right now, I think, and the way he grew up, he's a typical kind of narcissist, but not in a way, you know, like we look at narcissists that are bad people, right? He was just brought up by his mom's sister, who's, her own children died, right? And she basically cherished him while his own mom kind of rejected him in a way that she started a new family, you know, and none of his siblings accepted him. So, he, again, he picked that role of being perfect or were never good, you know, I mean, so it's kind of a typical, I've heard it's a kind of perfect narcissist ground. So, I never really realized that, but again, it's kind of that the trauma, I guess, I've experienced, he's a quiet guy, nice guy, excuse me, the role of the red winner, et cetera, right? My parents worked, you know, he just earned more. But, yeah, there was not much of a connection there, if you know what I mean. So, perfectionism, lots of hard work, and really, you know, I think the whole thing about doing what I love got beaten out of me in a way that obtudes and has to, and if you don't, you know, it's like China. I mean, I don't know how many people know about Russian upbringing, but in China, if you don't do well in school, it's very similar, you know, you have to have the degree, you have to pursue what's profitable in the future. So, yeah, and I was pretty good at school, I mean, I was quiet kid, it's funny actually, you know, very quiet, very diplomatic, but you know, when I broke out of my parents' house, right, and went to university, I just became completely different. So, I never learned really human skills of building relationships, because I was so busy, you know, and then my whole my whole life, I was really like quite argumentative with our people because people like didn't like perfect girls and right girls or whatever, you know, and so I was quite difficult for me to learn to fit in. And so my quiet nature turned into a quiet argumentative and fiery and rebellious nature. You know, it's only now really towards like my 40s, I kind of started to feel peace. Okay, beautiful. Yeah, no, that's really helpful, very well articulated, and I love the transparency and the honesty about, you know, you becoming quite argumentative and rebellious, you know, it's not always easy to declare that because sometimes I can make us look bad, right. So, thank you for being honest about how, you know, you sort of manifested a different personality when you were in university and beyond. It's big of you to be able to see that. I think if we were to look at one of the terms you just use and I get the idea of a girl being in two schools, right, both the educational traditional academic school and then the music school and you use the term an unbearable load, right, which I think speaks volumes about how you've unconsciously created your own ego or your own identity. So when you think about that little girl and using that term of the immense amount of pressure that you call the unbearable load, what's it like to live for that little girl in that energy? It's heavy, it's heavy and it's, I mean, you just forget who you are. So now say I, because it's not me, right, you're talking to me, but yeah, yeah, yes, okay, you want me to kind of embody that, right? Yes, so you own it, right, so it's I forget who I am or whatever else is associated with that feeling. Yeah, so I feel very heavy, very, very trapped, very, just nowhere to go and it's, and it brings me certain recognition because I was good at it, I am good at it. Yes, for sure. That's the way that you can sustain it. That's the justification for keeping the suffering and the discontent and that's a parrot, exactly the light and the land of the tunnel, but yeah, but the experience itself, again, very heavy, I would say it's pretty sad for that little girl. Yeah, I feel like, you know, looking at us now is just, yes, the word is there, but it's, I don't feel like I'm good enough of us to carry that load. I don't think I have to. You don't, but you do, right? So if we like, you can go back to the words of have to should, right? Yeah. Our experience is perhaps, yes, she feels insufficiently equipped to do it or inadequate to be able to sustain it, and yet as a child, you don't have the experience of choice, like you just have to do it, right? Yeah, and so I feel like why should I do this, but I have no the way, I have no way out. And nobody is, yeah, I know I'm not good enough for this, yet I'm carrying that unbearable load on myself to please or to adhere to somebody's expectations. Yes, beautifully put, which is very human, and for which reason there's no judgment, we can have all the compassion for that little girl and realize that she was doing what she felt was incumbent upon her because she wants to like any child, please her parents, be a good girl, get it right, and really what it comes down to is to be loved and to be made to feel safe, right? Because if you don't do that, there's the feeling of consequences, right? There's the feeling of ramifications, you're going to get in trouble, you're going to be letting your parents down, you're going to be a disappointment, and maybe worst case in the deep level of our DNA, we feel that we're going to be abandoned or kicked out of your family, right? You're going to be not that that would happen, but you know, that can be for a child a scary prospect. You know, you said a word save there and it's something I didn't mention. I have a brother who's six years older than me, and my brother is the smart one. So that wasn't the smart one, and I guess that pressure and plus my mom's side of the family, my mom is a kind person because she's the youngest in the family and she's been through a lot, right? But her older siblings, I mean, they're all people, they grew up, I mean, they grew up, who they grew up, but they're like, you know, they have this quality about them. It's very like a yucky, like, beheaded, put down kind of, you know, nature, like putting down someone is just like, I don't know, eat any yogurt, is that true though, you know, it's the same thing. And so I grew up very, very sensitive to that shit. You felt very judged from a very young age and that the family were very derogatory or belittling or they got into thighs a lot, right? Well, so I held on to that piece of, I guess, minus of piece of me, right? That was unique to me, right? Even though maybe it wasn't necessarily, you know, what I should have done as my own thing. Yeah, perfect. And I carried that load for that reason, yeah. Yeah. So that's a beautiful thing to notice and it's definitely part of your conditioning. So for that little girl, okay, we can see the pressure, the sadness, the exhaustion, right, of constantly trying to carry this as you use this unbearable load term. So then with the family of your mom and on that side, where there's an immense amount of, you know, arrogance, self-righteousness that they're looking down at you, what was that experience like for you as a little girl? What did that make you feel? That was just horrific. I mean, fear, like fear, shame, all those things and really like, I mean, it was pure fear of being just put down and belittled to the absolute core of who you are. Yeah. I'm sorry, you went through that. Yeah. That's a really hard thing for anyone to go to, but go through, but particularly a child, and you're doing a very good job of having, you know, integrated it, but there's hurt behind it, right? For that little girl, the shame and the fear, you know, that, again, metaphorically, literally, figuratively carries a weight to it, right? So we're starting, for me at least, I'm starting to see the correlations between your health issues, your weight, you know, struggles that you've never had. Because again, if you look at the languaging, you can't, an unbearable load, right? It's the term you used, right? Yeah. The weight of this pressure. So when you start to make the correlation between the energetics, the emotions, the intellect, the stories, the narratives, and then your physiology, they're very correlated, right? You see that? Yeah. Okay, beautiful. So we're starting to get a sense of the world that that little girl lives within, you know, where there's an immense amount of pressure. There's an immense amount of shame and fear. There's a lot of feeling of inadequacy, right? We could say that you for sure didn't feel like you were enough both to continue the, you know, the workload that you had to do, then it gets exacerbated because your brother is the smart one. So not only do you have your own pressure of not even as a child being able to sustain school and academics under the very judgmental umbrella of your mother's family, but then it all gets exaggerated or increased because your brother is very smart. So now you can see there's extra load, right? If you're an only child, it would be sufficient, but now it's, you know, contributed to detrimentally by your brother's intelligence. It doesn't end there at all because then that's where there's more. Because then I put more pressure on myself, right? So I decide, okay, well, well, it's not that I decided, I mean technically I've decided, but of course myself, but where do I go with the music, right? They, you know, it's not really the future of anything, and so I'm kind of viscerally probably fairly smart at that age and I realized, well, I have to do something. So I put more pressure on myself and I decide to go to one of the best universities in Russia to study math. Okay, of course. Which is, and then I go there, right? And I succeed because I put this enormous amount of pressure on myself. I studied the night and I succeed basically. It was just unbelievable amount of force I have to apply, right? I'm not, so then I meet all those brilliant people around me, right? And I'm nowhere near as brilliant, but I still, I still grind my, you know, my way into my graduation, you know? And so by the end of, and then I go to the, it's like I'm pursuing this torture. And then I get hired into this company that hires the best, from the best universities, which is, I mean, the culture is just infiltrated by people who are all like my mom's side, like relative side. Yeah, yeah. Or put down all the self-elevation and somebody else expands, you know, that kind of stuff. So I suffer through that. Yeah, you know? And so I become tougher, and tougher and tougher, you know? You definitely love your suffering. I got that. Yeah, because I want to succeed, you know? I just want to go with this because this is what success look like, I guess. I don't know what was I thinking. And like I said, it's all peaks in this character trait where I am exhausted, yet I'm tough. Yes. And tough, like I've built those walls of protection. I don't know on the field who I am, what I need. You know, how to express what I need without arguing my case, you know? Yeah. So I'm telling this to you, not because it's just as I'm realizing this, I guess, as well at the same time. Well, good. That's part of the conversation. And your intelligence is going to be working in our favor now as I can point out different ways of understanding your conditioning versus using your intelligence to try to constantly escape your conditioning, which only reinforces it, right? So the opportunity at least I hope for you in this conversation here and finding freedom for you is that you can see holy shit, like you're not going to, you know, let's cut to the chase, like we started this conversation with your concern, your predominant worry being that you feel stuck, right? So now if you look at the language you're using, you just said about, okay, and wait, there's more, you know, with the music, you had to go to the best university, and then you had to have, you know, the extra, as you said, more pressure on yourself, which was already there in the background because of the pressure that you felt you had to do both of these schools. You had to live up to the standards of your mother's side of the family. You had to try and keep up with your brother, you know, so it's just pressure upon pressure upon pressure combined with expectations and your own languaging of an unbearable load. So if you put all that together and then you really don't have to be a rocket scientist to see that you feel stuck, right? Can you see the correlation, right? Like if somebody, as I said, if you use, if you lay on the floor right now and your husband and three of his buddies just for fun, but they all lay on top of you, you know, which is the kind of physical manifestation of pressure, and I came up to you, and I said, how do you feel? You feel like I feel pretty stuck right now. Okay, see what you mean now, okay. Starting to connect the dots, yeah. Yeah, okay. Yeah, so, so do I in school myself? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, just sit with what you just hit you. What just hit you as you started to see? So you're telling me a story, which is very accurate, you're telling me the facts, you're not embellishing, you're not making stuff up, and the experience of that, which is bringing us to present time, and your current experiences are grown woman, where you feel stuck, and sometimes that's to do with your house, sometimes it's to do with your weight, sometimes it's to do with your career. But everything that you're telling me is completely correlated to the experience of being stuck, do you see? Yeah, totally. Which is why you giggled, because when you see it, you know, even though it's a blind spot, it's so obvious when you see it, it's like, oh my gosh, my entire life, I've been preparing to feel stuck. In fact, until you actually told me that metaphor with my husband, and he three of his friends, I couldn't even understand it, you know. Yeah, but that's your experience, right? That's just the physical representation, the sort of analogy of what you are experiencing emotionally and energetically, which then, by the way, has to manifest physiologically and even in the material world around you, right, in your environment, because frequency proceeds form as one of my expressions, right? So the energy, the vibration that we function from, all the world that we live within, internally, is the precursor to the way we think, feel, act, and consequently the result we get. So because you live inside a world internally that is based in the constraints of feeling stuck, because you are in that particular perspective of yourself, the view of the world you have, is the precursor to the world that you then experience. Do you see that? Yeah, yeah. Super cool kind of when you see it, right? I mean, it doesn't, right now, you know, it doesn't help you, other than you can feel. You know, you went to study math, or we're talking about math and physics here, right? Like, if I use a pen with red ink in it, you know, it's going to write red, I'm not going to get upset, you know, if you live in a world internally, emotionally, energetically, where you feel stuck, because you're looking through a lens of constraint, then, you know, abracadabra, what a shock that you feel stuck is an adult. Yeah, yeah. Right? So that's the good news, is that the physics of being human works. What we want to do here in this conversation is maybe change the formula, you know, the deepest level, so that you're not living in a world where you are stuck energetically, and then subsequently we can dissolve the world of feeling stuck on the surface. Great. So let's, there's a few things that come to mind for me in terms of my, you know, ability to help people. So for that little girl, the two schools, the unbearable load, the pressure, the perfectionism, as a coping strategy, the older brother, who's given the accolades, who's very intelligent, we get the whole world of what that girl was looking, looking, the lens she was looking through of the immense amount of pressure. Then you got combined, you know, and contributing to that, adding to that load is the mother's family and this sort of self-righteousness, the derogatory way, the belittling that they have towards you as a little girl, which is an even more unbearable load. So what would you say if you were to articulate it? What would that girl think about herself? She was to describe herself, and usually it's in the language of, you know, that she's not something or, you know, what comes to mind for you? Well, several things. It's not good enough, not smart enough. Yeah. Yeah. Want to better be invisible, not seen that to be laughed at or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. That's definitely part of it. And then it's not all of it, right? Yeah. No, no, no, no, but it's a big part, and again, you know, you're familiar with my work and you're part of freedom membership. So, you know, that I talk about these 10 primal prisons and that we all have these as humans, right? So one of them is for sure, you know, very active in your defined identity, which is the feeling of being inadequate or not enough, right? You could say not good enough, not smart enough, but we could just categorize it in one big, just not enough somehow, right? We could fill in all the rest, tall enough, pretty enough, you know, it's just basically just not enough, right? So that's one of them. So what would be the other one? Because there's one that I think is even bigger, which I'm excited to help you discover. So if there's pressure, and I gave you the image that you obviously resonated with, of your husband and three friends holding you down, what would that feel like, and really look at it through the eyes of that little girl that she's not what? Yeah, that could be part of it, that's part of it. And that's way that it's ironic that, or it's beautiful that you came up with that, because that's how you've coped. Because of the one that I want you to see, you try to become strong enough to cope, right? Which is why you become incredibly capable, you're articulate, you're speaking, and I don't know, a second, third, fourth language, you are intelligent, you went to college, you forced your way through, you graduated, you know, your capacity to deal with life is pretty extraordinary. So you have become strong, but trying to become strong is an adaptation to what you felt when you're being held down. In this case, I'm using both the analogy of your husband and friends, but really that little girl was being oppressed and had a pressure on her. So if someone is being held down, they feel what, they're not. Yeah, like they feel helpless or helpless. Yeah, that's beautiful. Yeah, that's definitely the experience, but you feel helpless because you believe at the deepest level that you're not capable. Yeah, that's definitely part of it. Okay. Really close, you know, you're doing great, you're doing great. Now, if I were to ask you, do you think you're capable, I think you would say, yes, because of what you've accomplished. Yeah. Yeah. Right. But your capacity to both be capable and strong are the antidotes a way that you survived what with the deepest level, which is that you're not. So again, I'm going to keep going to leave the little witness a little bit here. You're held down, meaning you are trapped, which is what your experience is, right? You said you feel stuck. If someone's stuck, I'm going to use this word to help you. If they're incarcerated, they're imprisoned, they're not what? Three. Bingo. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I'm just gave me chills. Now, really think about that, Nadia, your experience internally, I really want you to presence this. I want you to consider how do you know 42 42. So for probably 37 years, 38 years, because the first three or four with, you know, were usually okay, we're pretty free. You've been living in a world and the world is not the planet, but the world is how you view life. You've been living in the world where you are not enough and you are not free. I agree. Just feel that. Now, both of those would be, you know, a contribution or the precursor to feeling stuck and as though there's something wrong. Can you see that? Yeah. What's it like to have lived for 90 sort of 5% of your life, 38 years, thinking that who you are is not enough and that you're not free? What is that like? That's pretty sad. It is, isn't it? Because you're not true to yourself, and I really like that. Yeah, I say I say I, because you're talking to me. So saying you're not true to yourself, but it's your life. Yeah, I'm not true. Yeah, exactly. Sorry. Yeah, I'm not true. I haven't been true to myself. You haven't. Yeah, no. And you're brilliant, you're smart, you're kind, you're caring, you have studied, gosh, I don't know how many different things from music to the academics, to the great university, but you've been living in a prison, which, you know, without any traumatic is like a hell. And it's hitting you now that that is, like you said, I'm glad you're only 42, right? Because you could see how much time you've wasted. And that's absolutely. That's and about on the, I'm so grateful I have this opportunity with you because that's exactly it. I've wasted so much time in this prison of not. Yes. I've wiped knuckled my way into where I am right now. And I feel like there is normal white knuckling. I think my whole visceral, my whole nervous system is just done. Yeah. Well, you just shared it's, I mean, I get, you know, pins and needles has on the back of my neck stand up whenever I know there's some really powerful moment of connection with another human being. But what you just said there to me is one of the most profoundly articulate ways of describing what I would assert is every human being's journey, which is white knuckling through life. Yeah. Just to cope. And I'm glad. And what's that? I'm tired of this. I get it. And this is why I'm so honored, you know, to be able to do what I do and to be here with you as a human being with a, with a pulse, with a beating heart, with a caring heart, with a husband, with a child, with the difference that you make in the planet so that I can help you find freedom from this prison because then all that can happen is not only do you experience greater joy and new found sense of love, possibility, but the capacity you have to make a difference and pay this forward with the increased amount of freedom is, yeah, the possibilities are endless and that's really beautiful. So just thank you for seeing it and being so emotionally aware to realize the impact because that moment of silence there where I asked you, what is it like to live in a world where, you know, you're not enough and you're not free? Like it really hits you to the point that you didn't quite know what to say until you saw the cost that it has been to you to live that way, right? That it's, you know, your first response was it's just, it's sad, you know, it's heavy, it's exhausting. So beautiful and I think there's so many people who right now will be listening to this who can relate to that. So thank you for being, you know, willing to be vulnerable enough to let other people perhaps through you by carelessly understand the world they've been living in and now see the opportunity to not do that anymore. Yeah, thank you. So you were ready to step out of the hell that you've been living in for 38-9 years. I hope you're enjoying this conversation and even moved by it and perhaps part of you would love to learn more to go deeper and really understand the mechanics of the mind whether it's to help yourself or others you care about. What would it mean to you to be able to break free from the subconscious limitations that hold you back and help others to do the same? If that's something you'd love to be able to do and to discover with it a new world of freedom of possibility then I invite you to check out my mastermind with over 30 hours of theory and coaching led by me personally. It's my most powerful and life-changing offering. You can find out more information at petercrone.com/mastermind. Okay, I'm back to the conversation. At some point I just realized that life is about a German. There might not be anything else out there, you know? Yeah, absolutely. That's yeah. The good news is, you know, there's two things I want you to understand because you're very smart and, you know, I often use quotes as you know and I say being smart doesn't make you any happier just makes your reasons why you're not way more convincing, right? So you use your intellect to sustain the prison and maybe make it a little bit more comfortable but you're still in a prison. And so the first thing I want you to understand as I take you through this process is to realize there's no guilt or shame that you didn't know what you didn't know, right? So even now I'm obviously leading you to this awareness, this blind spot. You don't have to look back after this conversation, go holy shit, I wasted 38, 39 years of my life. No, that's futile because you didn't know what you didn't know. Every human being is doing the best they can within the limits of their own awareness. You're now having the gift of new awareness, right? So there's no guilt for the life you've lived rather there is nothing but inspiration and joy for the life that now is becoming available to you. Does that make sense? Yeah. Great. So I'm going to take you through very simple exercise. You may have seen me do this with other people. First of all, Nadia, tell me where were you born? I said, well, we'll just leave it at Russia. That's fine. So okay, so if I were to cut you open physically, am I going to find an actual material made physical manufacturing label could be metal word plastic inside of you that says Nadia born in Russia, she's not enough. No, no, I'm not, right? No, that would be sort of crazy. So it's not part of your hardware, right? So where does I'm not enough? Where does that live? It's in my imagination. Exactly. It is. Perfect. And it is literally imagined. So what I want you to consider just for the sake of being accurate, it's part of the foundation of your identity. It's not so much what you believe, but it is who you currently have been, right? So again, it's strange language. It's the you that you are for yourself, right? It's not that Nadia believes she's not enough, but until now she was not enough. Can you see it's very subtle, semantics. And I know this is a second or third language, right? So it's not that you believe you're not enough, but until this moment, the you that you have been for the last three, four decades, is that you're not enough? Can you see that? Right. So what you've seen is I imported that. Correct. Yes. You've imported it to the point that it's who you have created yourself to be, right? Right. Great. So it's in your mind. It's part of your imagination. And what is I'm not enough made up of? It's not blood. It's not bones. What is I'm not enough? It's behaviors. It's a self-expression, I guess, right? Yes, self-expression. It's words. It's something you say. So what I want you to say, because this is really powerful when you get it, you realize that what has created the embodiment of your own idea of yourself is words. So you are trafficking inside of language. So imagine the metaphor of water in a glass. Water will take on the shape of any sort of container, right? So I could put water in a glass. I could put water in a bottle. I could put water in a vase or a vase as they say in America, like for flowers. You could put water in a bathtub or a sink, right? But water will always take on the shape of the container that holds it. Very simple analogy. I want you to consider that without sounding too poetic, you are a timeless, boundless, limitless soul, which is representing water. But the soul will take on the form of the container. In this case, the container for human identity or ego is language. So if you are formless and limitless, but you have quote-unquote incarcerated yourself inside of the words I'm not enough, that then becomes the container you function within. Yes. Isn't that powerful? So who you are, which is why you're able to see the things that I'm talking about and why you could feel the heaviness and the exhaustion of your nervous system and the sadness of living within the container, is because that's not really who you are. You are limitless. You are boundless. You are timeless. But because of what you took on through no thought of your own, with all of the things you shared from the music school, to the school, to the brother, to the mother, to the daughter, to the daughter. You are one of the prisons and the forms of the container that you took on as I'm not enough. So if it's only in your mind and it's only in words, or as you said in imagination, it's literally just sound. Is it an absolute truth that who Nadia is is not enough? No, absolutely not. Absolutely not, is it? It's a container. It's a view. You've been looking through a view. It's not you. So now if it's not who you are, that's not a truth anymore because it's literally not a truth. And that's gone because it's a lie. You've been living in a lie and we have all the evidence and the justification and the rationalization. So there's no guilt. It makes sense that you felt that that's gone. So you can write down and this is what this is what I want you to write down. I'm not not enough. So it's two knots. So I'm right here to you know sort of blow smoke up your rear as we save affectionately and say oh no Nadia, you're amazing because you've got plenty of friends who say that. Look at what you did and what you've accomplished, right? It doesn't matter how many people give you compliments. What I'm interested in is dissolving the constraint you've been confined by, right? So you're not not enough. So if we remove that lie because it's a lie, you just declared that it's not true. How could you and you're the way I phrase it as I'm introducing you to a world you're not familiar with, right? This is a new step for you right now. Nadia cannot associate herself with the view that she's not enough. It's gone. How might you feel when you're not not enough? Free. Free. Wouldn't that be very free? Can you feel that though in your body? Yeah, yeah. Isn't that cool? What would you describe that feeling apart from feeling free? How would you describe that in your body? Well that exhale. Yeah, that's incredible and you can probably see that. Yeah. Yeah, it's a it's a bliss, right? It's a bliss. Yes, there's a longer, there's anxiety here, it's going tightness, you know what I mean? It's relaxed, kind of feeling and then yeah. And it's like what the hell? Yeah, what the hell are you fucking me doing with my life? Welcome to the insanity of being human. Now you know why most people are on some sort of prescription drug and drinking alcohol, you know. Yeah, amazing. Okay, so light, relief, bliss, free. These are, would you say these are better ways to live life? Yeah, absolutely, yes. Just slightly, right? Okay, great. So that's the first one. So that's pretty big. So you're not not free. So then you can start to as part of your coin quote, you know, homework or assignment after we finish here is to start to look at who would nutty a bee in the absence of that limitation. Now that's how you feel, but you might realize there would be different choices you'd make in your career in the way you interact with your husband, the way that you choose your daily schedule, the things you might do, walk, the things you eat, right? So meaning that one of your more superficial concerns about your health and your body, what I want you to understand is the energetic correlation between the heaviness of your body, you know, the weight concerns and your health concerns as they relate to the heaviness of being incarcerated in this very sad pressure-filled world of not being enough. Can you see the connection? Yeah, absolutely. You basically release yourself from that prison. Yes. Or the sudden that you might want to want, you know, I mean, it want comes instead of the issue itself. Right. Beautifully put. So it's a different one though, right? So this is very subtle what you just shared and I want to expand on it for the audience. So you thinking that what you wanted was, you know, the things you said, I don't want to be stuck. I don't want to have extra weight. I don't want to be unhealthy. So you're wanting before was reactive. It was informed by what you don't want, which keeps reinforcing the thing you don't want. Do you see that? Yes. What I hear and you can confirm if this is accurate, what I hear now is you suddenly tapped into weight. There's things I do want, right? Not what I don't want, but rather what I do want. It's exactly is tapping into the energy of I guess wish or want like real wanting. I do want to do what's good for me. Like I want to go for a walk. I want to watch a movie. I want to have a laugh. You know what I mean? This is kind of from a place of Twitter on a tour, you know, obligation. Because that is driven by the desire to be liked and safe. Yeah. Amazing. So again, just to articulate and to expand on it and unpack it, your previous wanting, and this is both for you and people listening, your previous wanting was being informed by what you felt you should do have to do or what you didn't want. That is a reactive wanting. There's no freedom in that. Can you see that? That's the world you've been lived in. You're trapped. Like someone is incarcerated. Of course, I can say, well, I don't want to be trapped. Like you started this whole conversation with me saying you feel stuck. So then what is the want? Why don't want to be stuck? But you're being informed by what you don't want. Now you can see holy shit. I am free. So if I'm free, I get to do what I want, which as you said is I'm just going to go for a walk. Why are you going to go for a walk? Well, because I want to, not because I feel stuck, do you see? It's a very, it's going to be true to yourself. What is it I really want right now? Amazing. You already look very different. You already look lighter. You know, your smile is different. Your eyes are lighter. Isn't that cool? Okay. So now the second one, same exercise, and you've already kind of answered the question, but it's worth going through just to help you and others. The other thing that you realize when you feel oppressed and we use the a metaphor again or the analogy of your husband and friends lying on you when you're incarcerated, I ask you, what is that not? And you said, oh, then I'm not free, right? So when you live inside of the world of you're not free, we completely understand the world of have to and should, right? Because if you're not free, then you have to be doing whatever, quote, quote, your prison guards are telling you, right? This might be your mother's family. It might be the pressure of your family relative to your brother. Do you see that? So there's in the world of you're not free, you have the obligation energy. You see that? Yeah. Okay. Great. So if I cut you open, am I going to find a physical manufacturing label that says Nadia born in Russia? She's not free. No. Not at all, right? It's preposterous. So again, just to go through the exercise, where does I'm not free live? Where does it exist? Again, that's in my mind, right? Yeah, exactly in your mind. And what is it format? Remember what we said? What is I'm not free made up of? Words, yeah, words. Words. Yeah, that's the container for your soul. So again, I say wardrobe, words are the wardrobe for our soul. It's just your wardrobe is a straight jacket. That's right. That's the wardrobe you've been living in. I'm not enough and I'm not free. That is a straight jacket. Okay, great. So if it's just words, I'm not free. It's literally just sound. Is it an absolute truth? Yes or no? That Nadia is not free. No. Not at all, right? And we already know what it's like to live in the world of you're not free. That sucks. That's hell. That's sad. That's separation. That's exhaustion. Your nervous system is short. You'll start. Okay, so again, double negative right down. I'm not not free. In the absence, the absence is gone. It's dissolved. If I'm not free, who does Nadia get to be? Well, so yeah, I'm free, right? You're totally free to do what? Whatever I want. Whatever I want. That's a little different than being stuck, isn't it? Yeah. How cool is that? Here's this side. I have a question. There's a lot of questions. This is a new world. So sometimes this can take a minute to sink in. But yeah, go ahead. Obviously, the brain will pull me back into those old places because there's going to be some habits that will yes, but you can't not see what I've just shown you, right? Like meaning not to interrupt you, but yes, there's habits that can, depending on someone's age, you know, your four plus decades on the planet, you've got a lot of habits, but you're also very intelligent. Intelligence is one of the ways that we can circumnavigate or transcend these constraints much quicker, but I want you to get to questions. So yeah, sometimes the habits of how we've lived our life can, especially when we're a little stressed or we're a little tired, they can take over, right? But again, you're, I just introduced you to a world with which you're not familiar, right? You've got 42 years of living in a prison and I've just opened the cage and I like, holy shit, I'm free, I can do whatever I want. It's bliss, it's light, it's relief. But yes, you've got five minutes relative to four decades, right? So answer your question. And so one of the ways I've noticed the brain can work, right? Is the fear of the unknown? Yes. When you turn it away from the old self, right? That's what I'm just imagining myself. Yes, yes, got it. No, it's great. This is really powerful, carry on. I've been through like my whole life through superstition culture, right? Yes. And it's like when you're super happy tomorrow, something shitty going to happen and your life is destroyed. So now I'm introduced to this and I really want to give myself all to this freedom, right? And I feel like completely changed like my chest has opened up. Amazing. Yeah, just feel your breathing is different. Yeah, you feel lighter. Yeah, totally. And I can see myself honestly tomorrow waking up and just looking over my shoulder, oh my gosh, this is so much better. But what is something just really, you know what I mean? Yeah, I get it. It's a really good point. But here's the thing. Have you woken up tomorrow yet? No, this is one of the other slippery parts of the ego is that it tries to figure everything out, which you would have done consistently. So that's one of your old habits is from the fear that there's not, you know, that you're not free and that you're not enough, your brain has been conditioned to always try and figure out the future for a means of survival. It's the way you protected yourself. Right. So you had to try and figure out how to get the, guess the best results, force yourself through university. You're always looking ahead, how can I do what I need to do to make sure I don't disappoint my mother's side of the family, particularly, but my parents? How can I do what I have to do to make sure that I don't fall too far behind my very intelligent brother? How can I do what I have to do to make sure that I keep up with the Joneses and I look good, right? All of that creates a brain that is constantly trying to figure out and control the future. Absolutely. Yes. Yes. So now, but if you're free and you're not enough, meaning there's nothing wrong with you, what do you have to figure out? Nothing. Yeah. You're right. How liberating is that? Yeah. And it's really the faith and your ability to tackle the stuff that comes where it comes, instead of constantly being trapped in all the scenario calculations in your head, right? I mean, were you just said that, Nadia? I really, really want you to understand how beautiful and powerful that sentence was. I did an interview for the BBC for a potential TV show many years ago, and I had two people who they brought to me to do like a pilot where I was doing very similar work to this. And this boy, you know, not a boy, he was a man, but he was looking through the lens of a little boy who was scared of making a mistake and he was married. He had a kid. He had a very secure job, but it was a job he didn't like and, in fact, hated and he wanted to start a business, but he was so scared of starting the business because now he had a new baby and all the obvious reasons and rationale that we use to keep ourselves in a position that's not healthy, but that we think is going to keep us safe, right? And we got to the point that he was so scared of making a mistake or doing something wrong, and that was part of his prison. And we were sitting in this beautiful library, and I said to him, "Do you see that door? That's the exit to this library. It takes us out into the world. When we're done with this interview, we're going to step outside of that door into, in this case, the clubhouse of this beautiful golf club, and then we're going to go on with our life." And I said, "Do you know what's on the other side of that door?" And he said, "No." And I said, "Nor do I." I said, "The difference is I'm not worried about it. You are." Now, what you just said is what I shared with him. I said, "The difference is when I walk outside of that door, I trust that I will know how to deal with whatever life brings me." That doesn't mean I'll know how to deal with it, but I might know to call someone who does know how to deal with it, right? Either way, to use your language, I'll handle it. Yeah. And that is the absence of worry. You, my dear, have obviously accumulated an incredible amount of intelligence and experience. You are more than capable of dealing with life, but from the perspective of a little child or a little girl, the worry that you might do something wrong or not be enough is very valid. But it's not appropriate for the grown woman you are today. You see the difference for that little girl being dependent on a family wanting to fit in, wanting to be loved, wanting to be accepted, being concerned and preoccupied with the future makes sense. But now you're a grown-ass woman who has a husband who's incredibly capable, you've traveled around the world, you're obviously immensely intelligent, you don't have to worry about the future. Because first of all, you don't even fucking know what's going to happen. None of us do. So to come back to how you started this question, the fear of the unknown, I'm going to give you a really powerful distinction. You have never been fearful or scared of the unknown. Why? Because how can you be scared of the unknown? What you've been scared of, isn't that great? Yeah, of the bad of the unknown. Exactly. Which is what? Your imagination that you're putting into the unknown. So all you've been scared of is your own imagination. Yeah. And your imagination was based in worst-case scenario because it had to be because the you that you were for yourself was that you're not enough and that you're not free. So from that perspective, from that particular view, it only makes sense that you would create things to be scared of. Yeah, I mean it's just stupid that I'm not enough. Now you're getting it, isn't it? Yeah, because of, yes, okay, maybe I've developed all kinds of coping mechanisms, but nevertheless, I mean, I've done it, right? They're pretty fucking epic coping mechanisms. Exactly. And that's already not enough. Isn't it? I know. It's like you've done more than enough. You might be too much. Exactly. But I just tortured myself unnecessarily for no good reason, really. Well, the good reason is because this is the journey of being human and that's where the compassion and the forgiveness comes in and where your ability right now to contribute to, you know, hopefully millions of listeners who have their own version of not-enoughness, you are a gift for them to see wholly shit. I've done the same thing to myself for 20, 30, 50, 60 years, right? And that's the opportunity that I hope that this podcast of finding freedom is because as you clearly have demonstrated, not only did you realize that you're not, not enough, but we certainly found a lot of freedom. Yeah, and the fact that even that imperfect journey proves a bit obvious. Isn't it? Yeah, you'd start one again. That's why my joke earlier. Now you start to realize why adults drink and, you know, so much and need medication because they're living in their own world of insanity. Yeah, yeah, it's absolutely correct now. Listen, Nadia, you are such a sweet heart that has been such a joy. I mean, I love, I love what I get to do. I love working with beautiful souls. I love to work with people certainly like you who have a high IQ, a high EQ, who with no fault of your own have been living in a prison that you could not possibly have known about. You've had the experience of it, you had the consequences of it, but now once you see it, it's like holy shit, like you've been living in a prison of your own imagination. Yeah, and it sounds like a prison, for sure. Yeah, well, that's how we started, right? Your biggest issue was your start. Yeah. And now you're breathing, your chest is open, and I want you to understand because you're smart and the things you've dealt with, like even there, like, you know, rocking your shoulders back, and it's like there's an ease about you now, like even that word bliss that you use is how I see you energetically. So right now, you don't even have to worry about your health or your physiology or your weight, because when you embody this energy of freedom, of enoughness, of bliss, of joy, your body will find its own balance point. Right. Isn't that beautiful? That is vitality. You know what my anchor? I found an anchor. Yeah, tell me. I have baseball with repetition, but all the things that I was thinking, like looking back at my past, and all this path that I went through, and I liars and everything, I'm a longer looking at it as something that makes to sense of. It's actually I'm looking at it as, I mean, as a proof, as a living proof that I actually have, you know, I'm pretty amazing, you know. Even though I'm dysfunctional, it's completely like, you know, self-inflicted suffering, right? Yet I've overcome it, you know, and yeah. Listen, you are your extraordinary. I can remember saying this. Actually, it was one of my clients said to me, he was a professional golfer, as you know, I work with a lot of professional athletes, and when he saw his prisons, like you saying, you know, I'm pretty amazing or I'm amazing, he said, holy shit, it's incredible what I've accomplished, you know, in terms of his sport, in the face of my own limitations, right? Absolutely, yeah. As he was a very accomplished golfer, and he's like, you imagine what I can accomplish when I'm free, and I'm like, yep, that's why I'm here. That's exactly how I feel. Yeah. So look out world, Nadia has been set free. Yeah, but I'm just looking forward to enjoying, yeah, less in prison life, you know, well, free life, and it's not like free. Yeah, a lot of pleasing anyone, just leaving for my own sake, you know, and finding my own joy. It is why I feel like I'm the luckiest man alive to help people to discover this real sense of true freedom. Thank you. Yeah, you're so welcome. What a joy to be with you. You know, some of those old habits might try to creep in, just be aware of that, but you're smart enough to now recognize the pattern as, you know, something that is not you versus, you know, your reality, right? There's nothing to fear. It's just some of these old ways of relating to life can carry a bit of momentum, but you know, you've written it down now, you're not not free, you're not not enough, and that means that you are more than enough and to use your word, you're a fucking amazing, and you are completely free. So now you get to be a woman, which is like literally being a different human being, but ironically more you than ever, that's the good part, right? Who is completely free and pretty fucking extraordinary. I know that that woman is going to have a very different experience of life, and for sure she's not going to feel stuck. I appreciate you. Well, I appreciate you too. Thank you for being here. Thank you for being part of my commitment to helping a billion people find freedom. Have a beautiful rest of your day afternoon evening, being free. Your husband just got a new wife, which is also pretty exciting. Before we do our 30-day check-in, I just wanted to remind you to check out some of my life-changing offerings. For my three and a half month deep dive with over 30 hours of theory and live coaching all led directly by me, please check out my mastermind at pedicrone.com/mastermind. And to join my freedom membership with over a hundred hours of pre-recorded programming, covering everything from anxiety, to relationships, health, financial freedom, as well as recordings of all my live events and Q&As, please visit pedicrone.com/freedom. Nadia, we're back. Good to see you again. I don't want to be presumptuous, but that's a good smile compared to where we started a few weeks ago. Obviously, we covered a lot, and I know I can download pretty heavily and quickly, but you definitely had some bigger, hard moments, and you certainly seem to see the whole new world of freedom. So I'm curious how the last few weeks have been. So immediately after the session, I've experienced quite a profound sense of relaxation. I don't think I even recall. It was like the whole, it was incredible actually. It was just like I was laying in my bed and I was just, I just was completely relaxed. Like all my muscles were relaxed. Everything was just, I woke up with the HRVU, which I measure almost triple. I've never seen anything like it, which was great, you know? That same night after we just chatted, you've never felt that relaxed, probably in your life, and then you wake up with three times HRV school. That's quite significant. It was, and I mean, I was just laying in bed and I was just, I felt like all my muscles, like it was a complete sense of relax. Like it was a relaxed as it could have been, you know? It was impossible not to notice. And then as I moved forward with weeks and days, right, I just came to realization. So I started to think about like, doing things for me, yeah, right from a perspective of, I'm no longer important to anyone else. And I just came to realization that I'm just so accustomed to doing everything as an expectation from someone else that my entire life, even though I know these things are good for me, have become an assumption that somebody else wants it for me, right? So it became a burden rather than a way forward. To a choice. Yeah, a choice, exactly. And you know, I mean, it's just that realization where you no longer, like, who am I doing this for? And it's a habitual state of mind that I find myself in. And I need to come out of it gradually. And it's almost like I just decided I want to wake up and I'm going to remind myself, okay, why am I, what am I, what is it in whatever I'm going to do is for me, you know, what is it in it for me? I haven't been able to retain that sense of relaxation. I really want to go back to it. I just don't know how and gradually I get back to more tense. But I need to, I mean, I feel like I want to work with my habitual brain wiring that, look, this is not from my mom, my dad or whatever, you know, this is for me. Yes, exactly. Well, first of all, I mean, it's beautiful. I'm so happy for you, for everyone around you. And I'm, you know, forever reminded of how powerful these realizations are, you know, the shift from a world of limitation, fear and suffering and disease eventually to the world of freedom, love and possibility and vitality. So what I would explain is, you know, the experience you had that night where you tripled your HRV and you've experienced a sense of relaxation you never had before, I would put it in one word, which is peace. Right. You wrote peace. Yes, and peace, pure bliss and pure bliss. Yeah. And so for you to recognize that Nadia wasn't trying to find peace, Nadia wasn't trying to elicit bliss from herself, it arose naturally in the absence of the previous constraints and perspectives. Right. So that's a good news is because even when you say you want to go back there, which I totally understand and many people will sort of use similar words or similar desires because it was such a profound experience of joy, bliss and peace. The good news is you don't have to get back there because it's still with you because it's your nature. Yeah, I understand that. Yeah. Right. So, you know, reviewing a little bit of the conversation we had, I was saying your nature is limitless, your nature is boundless, your nature is timeless. Right. So what happens is when we become misidentified with the human form, with this physical carbon suit and all of our stories, that freedom peace, that sense of true relaxation starts to become muddied and covered. Right. So the opportunity for you is very similar to I'm assuming most days you take a shower, like hopefully most people do. And we recognize on the physical level that we want to discard and cleanse ourselves from whatever we've accumulated during the course of the day. Right. So similarly with your mind, there will have been moments that you have accumulated. Somebody said this, somebody did that, your husband X, your mom, dah dah dah, somebody in traffic, somebody at work. And then what happens is that peace, which is like a blank canvas, your true inherent state, has got some sort of particles on the way of the day that have now compromised its inherent nature. Right. Meaning like a windshield that's very clean, but psychologically and emotionally, you've collected a few bugs and a bit of dirt along the way as you drove. Yeah. So the opportunity for you, my dear, is one, to go back to the really powerful statements we looked at that you were living in, right. That you weren't enough, so you were constantly trying to compensate for that. So just as a reminder, is it true that you're not enough? Is it true that you're not enough? No. No. No. It's a crock of shit. It's a story. And then the other one was you're not free. Right. Is it true? Is it true that you're not free? No. Not at all. So whenever you feel the absence of the peace that you so desperately crave, and we all crave it, because it is our nature, right. So the craving is a reflection of, as I say, in sort of poetic terms, the seeker is the sort. Right. And that's a maybe not such a common word for you. S-O-U-G-H-T. Meaning the the entity that is seeking is itself the thing that is being sought after. Yeah. Looked for, right. So we the experience of peace that we crave is because that's us. What we're doing is we're discarding, removing and dissolving anything that gets in the way of that, which is obviously the big lifting that we did last time we chatted. And there's still going to be some sticky what I call residual self image, right. The old version of an idea with those habits that you talked about, the sort of the unconscious way that you can habitually mechanistically go through the day without even thinking about it. So what's required is presence is like, oh, hang on a minute. As you said, why am I doing this? Am I doing this to fulfill on what you think is for somebody else an assumption of what they want of you? And I know you you articulated in it, it's like you were doing everything for everyone else. What I want you to understand is that's how it looks, but the ego is actually doing everything for itself. The way that it does what it does for itself looks like it's for others, but it's to get love, attention, affection, acknowledgement, reassurance, security, right. So it looks like we're doing something for other people, but underneath it, we're doing it for ourselves, for other people, because we think the outside world is where we're going to get our love and acceptance. Yes, until the moment, okay, I get that part. It's just sometimes you get to the point where you just can't, you don't have any drive left in you. No, and the drive is going to dissipate when you're coming from the ego, right. So if you understood what I said, you're distinguishing the woman who went to bed was super relaxed in a way she'd never been woke up with three times heart rate variability. That's what I'm saying is your true nature. On top of that, the Nuddy I met, you know, the person I'd never met before in my life, I saw the conditioning of, she's not free, she's not enough, and then all of the strategies from that, right. What I'm saying is that's residual self-image, meaning that old impression of you, because you've done it for decades, can still come to the surface. That's what you were calling sort of those habits, right. The unconscious habits, so you can just slip into. That looks like that part of us, the ego, which is designed to survive, looks like you're doing stuff for other people. That's what its appearance is, but the actual underneath the hood, you know, underneath the surface, what's actually happening is, no, the ego's doing things as coping strategies, trying to get love and acceptance, approval, reassurance from other people. So, you're trying to look good for everybody around you, basically, when you're in the ego. Right, so you get just a little bit, so you're basically compromising your values. Yes. For all the wrong reasons. Yes. In truth, they're all the right reasons for the ego, because the ego, when it looks through the lens of exactly, I'm not good enough, then what makes sense is for you to be the perfect daughter, the perfect wife, the perfect student, the perfect employee, because if you're being driven by, I'm not enough, then I'm going to do everything I can to be enough. So you've compromised your true nature, because your true value is underneath the story that you're not enough, right. When I said, is it true that you're not enough? No, that's a story. But when we become collapse with or misidentified with our limitations, then we try to compensate for them. Right. The freedom and the relief you got was because you realize, oh, I'm not these limitations. So when you're not the limitations, you don't need the coping habits to try and get reassurance and acknowledgement from other people, because, well, I'm fine. I'm totally free. I don't need a mask anymore, right? Exactly. I was energy sort of sudden and some. Precisely. So when you said it's depleting or it's tiring, that's the mask, the facade, because that's the pretense of us thinking there's something fundamentally wrong with us when there isn't, and when we are misidentified with that part, then yes, we compromise, we try to prove ourselves, we want to look good for other people, we will, you know, develop coping strategies to whatever it is that we feel we need to do to overcome the feeling of limitation in security or in inadequacy. Why you felt the relief is you saw all of those patterns, that there's nothing wrong with you, that you're not, not free. And when that dissipated, you were totally and utterly at peace, resting in your true nature. And the nature, pardon? In the present moment too. In the present moment, because that's all there ever is, but the mind functions in time, right? Past and future only exist in our heads in language. Otherwise, if you really think about it, you are always where you are. You're literally where you are all the time. Yeah. It's so obvious. When you're in the head, you can be all over the place. You know, you could go back 20 years ago, 50 years ago, 40 years ago, you could go back to when you're having to do school and music school, you can go back to, you know, or then you can go to the future of what's going to happen if you talk to a parent who might be, you know, disapproving of something you did and you've got anxiety and fear, but you're just sitting in your kitchen and it's very comfortable when you're eating nice food. You see it's like. Yes, very true. Isn't it nuts? Yeah. It is nuts. There's a great quote by a British playwright and author called Milton and he says, the mind is a place within itself and it can make heaven of hell or hell of heaven. Yeah. Yeah. So you were living in hell. We had a beautiful conversation. I introduce you to heaven, which is the biggest container. It actually is so big. It can contain the experience of hell. There's a good breath. So your heart rate variability just changed and now you have occasionally dipped your toe back in hell because that's part of your conditioning. That's okay. That's part of your humanity. So to give yourself a break, have compassion, go, oh, okay, that's part of the process of me reintegrating this new perspective of who you are and what life is, which is total freedom. And occasionally you're going to go back to an old habit. That's okay. You're human. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Yeah. I do realize that there is a lot of reminding you to happen. But I mean, you know what I mean? It's like you go from a certain state and then you go to point B, like I'll say in a year and you realize you're a pretty different person. You know? Yeah. Absolutely. But this is instantaneous, right? Like when you saw the constraints that I pointed out for you, when you saw the limitations that you'd been living in and you had all the evidences to why, but then we went through the exercise to investigate their validity to see if they're true. And you saw they weren't true. It's like holy shit. No wonder you were experiencing all the things you're experiencing, right? Of fatigue and frustration and hopelessness and disconnection. All the things that people experience, which eventually manifest as sickness and dysfunction and relationships and you're compromising your finances and whatever. Now you're like, wait, no, none of that's true. There's nothing not enough about me. And I'm not, not free, right? The double negative. When you remove the prison, what you're left with is your inherent nature of freedom. And that's where you assert peace. Yeah. There's nothing to fight. Because the only thing you were ever fighting was your own view of life, your own perspective. That's the map. You know what funny part of it is also came out is that I am learning, I am learning now, instead of just coming from that defense mechanism, you know, that I've been a hostage for a while. I started to kind of exercise this pause where I'm thinking, what do I need now? Do I really want to do this, Evan? Or if somebody jumps at me with some crazy idea that just makes my head spin, you know, I don't just, you know what I mean, normally, I would just go into this, oh yeah, let's do it, you know, people plising mode. And then I'm simply heating live and then, you know, and attacking maybe that person even in the future, you know, or doing all the things you made. And now I'm learning to like say, no, this is not good for me. Yeah. And being okay with us, you know, it's kind of it's a new place for me to do it. I mean, the whole thing is to be reframed, my habits express myself to the world, you know, it's, but I just love that feeling of peace and you know, the difference it makes, yeah, it's incredible. And you just, yeah, the fun that I've never experienced, I don't remember ever feeling so relaxed, it's just pretty, pretty sad in only think about it. You could look at it, you could look at it as sad in terms of yes, you know, prior to our conversation, 100% of your life, well, let's say 99% of your life, you've been living in a state of fight or flight or survival because that is the design of the factory settings of the ego. So that is potentially sad. Or you could look at the miracle that it is that for whatever reasons we've connected, we've had a conversation and you've now discovered heaven on earth and bliss on the other side of the constraint. And that might, you know, it might allude you from time to time, it might disappear momentarily if you're in a state of stress or you're tired. And then we tend to revert back to our old patterns. But instead now, you at least know what freedom is and that it's possible here and now. And it's who you are. That's the real Nadia. And then there's a story about Nadia on the top of that that sometimes is based in limitation that will create tension and shortness of breath and, you know, maybe frustrations. But now, you're in that gap that you're talking about in terms of listening to somebody, you're creating choice, right? Before it was all reaction. It's like, oh, somebody asked something of you, well, you have to do it because you don't want to look like you're not enough and you definitely don't feel free. So you have to. There's this feeling of obligation and pressure. And now it's like, yeah, let me sit with that. I'll call you back tomorrow and let you know, or you know, it's like you're you're free to discern what doesn't, doesn't work for you now. That's an entirely different you and that's an entirely different world to live in. It is. And it's becoming, that's what it means to become an adult. You know, yeah. And I'm just like, I just realized I just was something, whatever, 40 years, I have just been a child who expected someone else to step in tell me what to do how to live my life, you know, and just do all the choices and now I have to learn and how to be an adult. But it's like I said, place a freedom and choice and making your decisions. But it comes with certain things that are unfamiliar to me. I'm like, there's a space in me that it's just empty and I have no idea. You know, what that's called, that's called pure possibility. Yes. You know, because when we're looking through the eyes of a child, which is very accurate in the way you said it, you've been a child, especially as it relates to emotional conditioning and your perspective of yourself, you are being informed by the fears and constraints of a child's mind, even though you're an adult woman, this is how most people live their lives. So even in relationships, basically, they're having tantrums with their spouse, you know, it's like two children fighting, right? Like, it's, "Wait, no, I'm right, no, you, you're right, you're wrong, I'm not going to play with you." You know, it's like that's all that's happening, right? So for you to really what I call this is a spiritual birth, right? This is when you awaken to your true spiritual nature and essence, so you're no longer confined or bamboozled or being misidentified with the human limitation. Yes, we're in human form, and so we honor that, we take care of our body, you get sleep, you eat good food, all the things, but you're not being collapsed with that limitation. It's just like a vehicle through which you get to interface with life. You get to meet people, you get to have experiences, you have all these beautiful senses. I mean, this piece of equipment is so exquisitely put together. It's incredible that I have this as a user interface for me as a spirit to experience life, interact with other people, have all these beautiful relationships, personally, professionally, romantically or whatever, and so, but I'm no longer, I mean, obviously I haven't for a while, but you're no longer looking through these limited views of yourself, which then naturally give rise to these survival mechanisms to strategize how you can still survive, right? If you're, if you really were not enough, then it makes sense that you'd be a people-pleaser, a perfectionist, you'd always do everything for everybody else, but all of those coping strategies dissolve and fall apart when you realize it's just not true that you're not enough. You see, it's like pulling the rug from beneath your whole personality, and that's why it can be for some people a bit disorienting and jarring. It's incredibly liberating, but they're like, "Well, fuck, then who am I?" Like, I don't even know what to do anymore, because all I've done my entire life is just trying to survive. And you've been led by someone else, and here you are, no longer a victim, because you're no longer a child, right? It's only as a child, you can keep the victim, and you have to take responsibility, but then it comes with freedom and choice of what is he want to do, you know? How this is going to affect you and others. It's, I mean, yes, there's a whole shaman, I have to learn, and I'm grateful for meeting you and opening, I'm looking forward to creating what needs to create from them, you know? Like, reacting unconsciously, being led to some direction, I have no idea where I'm going, you know? Just to elevate the pain that is, you know what I mean? Avoid the pain, and forget about the, like, happiness, whatever, you know, that I don't want to use that more than a bad meaning, you know what I mean? But it's just more about actualization rather than, like, avoiding the pain in every day, right? And what you just said is so profound to make the distinction between what you were doing, which was reacting, reacting, doing something you're more than familiar with, versus now creating. So reacting, there's something there against which you're fighting, that creates resistance and suffering. When you realize that the lens you've been looking through based in some sort of limitation isn't true, you open up to the entirely different world of pure possibility. And then that's like a blank canvas upon which you get to create. That's an entirely different existence. You don't always know what you want to create, but you do know you can create. Otherwise, the previous form of you, the old world that most people still live in, is based entirely upon reactions where most people are trying to avoid something bad happening again because that's what's happened before, right? And then there is a state of suffering, which over time leads into the experience of disease, the absence of ease, which then eventually will cascade into the physiology and the body becomes sick. And that's the world that people live in. But not none here. No more. Not even more. Yeah. Super cool. And through love and compassion of yourself and patience with your transition, you understand because you've got decades of practice of the old world versus our one conversation and a few weeks of looking through new eyes that sometimes you might get caught up in the old machinery. And it's like, oh shit, there I'm doing it again, especially when we talk to parents or loved ones or spouses where the conditioning tends to be a little stronger. So that's okay. That's where you bring compassion and go, that's just a part of me that still thinks sometimes that I did something wrong or I'm not enough or I'm not free to make my own choices. And that's just not true. So that's where you that's where you continually check in with yourself. Like, oh, okay, if you're feeling tight, if you're feeling tired, depleted, exhausted, then there's some, some systems still running in the background that is all about survival. Because when you're free, all there is is this sort of bountiful, consistent flow of vitality. Yes. That's that's a very different you. That's a very different life and a very different world. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, amazing. I just love the fact that you keep coming back to this like like great smile. You know, it's like, I don't know if you rewatched your, well, you wouldn't have watched it because we haven't. It's not out yet. But yeah, when you when you when we release it and you watch who you were before, not that you weren't a lovely human being with great intelligence speaking in a completely different language, articulately, but you know, you can see the sternness and the seriousness of somebody who's trying to survive. Now I see ironically, yes, before you were being more childish, right? Because you were being driven by the narratives of a child, whereas now you're being more childlike, which is the expression of your natural joy. Yeah, I have to say that lots of people noticed more of a playful nature and I make a lot more jokes. I completely agree. I'm very like a serious person before. Yeah. Yeah. And it's getting more, I mean, I have a good sense of humor, but it's just more serious side. You know, so I've become more of, yeah, it's good. It's good to be taking us out less seriously and just be okay with imperfection, being okay with whatever. Yeah. Happens. And I lost a job in between, so I haven't collapsed. Yeah. There you go. Great. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's important to correct that. Yeah. Yeah. Even in the face of something seemingly not going the way you would want it, right? Like previous version of you might have been upset or scared. Yeah. What do you think? Gone into tension and worry. You definitely wouldn't have been relaxed and bed with a three X, you know, heart rate variability score. And now it's like, oh well, that happened. You know, let's move on and create something else. Yeah. I'm looking forward to a break actually now. Yeah. Yeah. That's breaking out. Amazing. Amazing. Yeah. Such a joy to be with you, my dear. Thank you so much. I really appreciate your time and everything you do for people. You're welcome. Thank you.