04. Finding Freedom from Chronic Migraines with Rose

This might sound very strange to you. To some degree, your migraines are actually the only form of relief you get. Yeah, but you know what? This feels like normal to me. No, I know. But your normal is not healthy. To feel physical pain would be better than to experience the heartache. So imagine now you're 12 years old doing whatever you were going to do to break her own hand just to try and get your attention. How would that leave you feeling as a mother? Death state. Had quite the challenging past with alcoholic death, depressed mom, a very manipulative mom, also a bit abusive. I do think that all the emotions when I was younger got stuck in my body and now I suffer from migraines. Whenever I find something I love to do, there's the migraine. New sports, I love it. Migraine. Yeah, let's get your question and go from there. I experienced a lot of challenges in my teenage years and from good health and a very sporty person I went to being sick a lot of the time just overnight. So my question basically is what don't I see to why these migraine show up? And my second question is definitely related. It's like I just feel like a failure every time. I don't feel well, which is often. And I feel like I feel to build my business or the career that I dream of. I just basically feel to feel like me. And I hear the healing stories all around, right? It's like, and I've tried everything, over not everything, but like a lot of things for many years. But every time you try something new and then it doesn't seem to work, I feel like I've filled again because there's so many other people who can make it work. But I don't understand why it's still here despite me trying to heal it for like 20 plus years now. So when do you know to stop to try to heal and to accept just what is? Or how to work towards healing, but not feel like failing when it doesn't seem to be helping. I find that's very hard to to to balance, you know? Yeah, absolutely. So let's go right back to where you started, where you said, you know, that this feelings of literally when yourself happened in your teens, right? Yeah. Was there something to transpire there? What did you go through that you could connect to maybe why there was a shift in who you were? Well, a lot of things happened at home. So I'm an only child and with a loving woman, that, but emotional, both not very developed, you know? And my dad was quite alcoholic and that's that really became a problem in my teens. And then my mom, who was already a daughter of alcohol, like she just completely broke down when the situation with my father, like, collapsed basically. Then she broke down into like a pretty deep depression, but like nothing officials like she never went to see any doctors or anything. So basically I was taken care of them and it was a lot of fighting, a lot of stress. Just it was terrible basically, you know? I tried to make my dad stop drinking, which obviously I can understand now, you know, was never up to me or at, but but back then I just felt like I was the one needed to save everything and to make sure everything would be better. And of course, I couldn't so that I understand right now. And then I was always a very sporty person, very, I don't know, excited, jolly, cheerful and really into sports, you know, I wanted to be like pro-scorter and well, very excited about sports and arts and things like that. And then, so then, you know, all those stress happened and then it started with me having like a really bad back injury. And then I wasn't allowed to do sports for a year, but sports was everything for me, so that was really terrible. So obviously I was having a lot of pain, but then I had to stop the sports, which was everything for me. And then during that year, I got really super-ass, I was actually rushed to the hospital to be put on oxygen because my oxygen levels were very low. So that was another like real significant part of my body failing. And then the only thing in my life, back then that gave me love and attention and pleasure was my cat. And the season still it through talking about a cat right now. But anyway, because of the asthma, I got really bad allergies and then we had to get rid of the cat. But she was like, she was like the only light of my life back then, right? So I had to get, so I lost basically everything to do with my parents and my old childhood and then my back, sports, asthma, allergy, cat had to go. And then ever since then, I just felt like, well, not good. Let me let me be polite. And so I would have headaches all the time, low energy. I could have fever, blocked. I'm ready to call it. Yeah, blocked sinuses. And I just never really got rid of that. So I learned to deal with that for a very long time. And that was so kind of fun my way with that because with that, I didn't feel very well, but it didn't really stop me as the micrains. And I used to get micrains, but only like a couple of times a year. And then my son was born 16 years ago. And that was amazing. I mean, that's like a bundle of love than a beautiful episode in my life. But unfortunately, ever since, yeah, every month, so related to warm alleys. Yeah, to my cycle. Yeah, I get the micrains and yeah, that's really in different story, though, because that's just. Yeah. Yeah, it's really difficult to. To realize just impossible to plan basically anything in my life. I just have to see, like, I don't know, I'll see, I'll see that day. And then we know what's going to happen, right? So it's like. Yeah. Because it never shows up on exactly the same day in my cycle. So I always have to kind of guess. So yeah. Okay. Okay. Well, I appreciate you sharing so honestly and openly and vulnerably. To go back again to the beginning, when you said your dad, there was a lot of disturbance in the house and alcoholism and your mom broke down and went into depression. Was that because they separated or they stayed together and she just couldn't handle it. What happened between them and their relationship? Wow, a lot. And it was obviously difficult because. So there was talk about separation all the time, like all the time, but also like they had a business together. So it was very difficult for them to separate. Even to separate the finances basically. For them, at least, it was very difficult. And then they would ask me, like, okay, if we would separate, would you want to live with? But I basically felt like. I honestly felt like I was like my dad's life was in my hands, but my mom's life as well. It's like I was really afraid that he would kill himself by drinking and drinking and driving and stuff. And I would feel like my mom would use herself in the depression if I wasn't taken care of them. So I felt like, yeah, there's like, there's no way. I'd, you know, I'd conflict myself in half, right? But them not separating was also like unbearable basically because there was so much. There was so much. Well, it was just toxic all around and it was so much stress and so much hatred between them at that time. And I was the one. I was like the mediator basically, right? It was even like, well, go tell your mom this, go tell your dad that. And there would be like, we would be on the same table even, right? So it was really toxic. Yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry, you had to go through that. That's really hard for a kid. How, how old were you when that started? You said you're a teen like young teen? Yeah, yeah, 13 when it started and it just went through all my teenage years until I left the house when I was 18 or 17, 18, something like that. And then obviously it didn't stop but then I pulled myself out of it and actually nowadays because that I do want to share like, I'm still in contact with my parents and they had a very they do much better now. They're still together. They are still together and they found their own, they found their own way. My dad stopped drinking and they have both been amazing grandparents for my kids and they helped me out a lot and I know that they love me and I understand all of that now and I also truly deeply understand that if they would have been able to handle things better, I can see it now. I can see it in there is where I'd like they wish they would have handled things better. Yeah. But in reality, you know, they didn't. So I mean, yeah. Yeah. No, I get it. Okay. So what do you think based on the fact that you're familiar with my work, you're in the freedom membership, you are a coach. What would you say that 13-year-old decided at that moment? Like what was the world she was living in? Well, the only thing that I clearly remember me saying to myself like, we've cried enough now. Like it's just there's nobody's there's nobody who actually here to help you to put a loving arm around you and So the crying is just useless basically so I can clearly remember me telling myself like Just stop the crying and stop the suffering because there's no there's no point yeah, and Well, I did maybe this is crazy. So this comes up now. I actually totally forgot about this There's also a bit embarrassing to say Since it's gonna be broadcasted and everything but At some time I actually thought when I was when I in the beginning I actually thought like if something would happen to me So this is probably it if something would happen to me then It will probably help Make everything better again So something well if I would need to go to the hospital if I would be sick I see yes and even try to then your parents would have to stop worrying about themselves and focus on you Yeah, to see like what's Important and that the three of us are important or yeah, I don't know it's a childy's way of thinking But I actually I even tried to bring my hands ones to just to get them to stop whatever was going on to I didn't succeed by the way what I really tried to I'm happy that you didn't Yeah, but but so look at that. That's really beautiful. And I don't think that's embarrassing at all. I think that really is Something that we can all have compassion for that 13-year-old is under so much stress and duress and she just wanted everything to go away Which I think is very human Especially for a child like you could say well that was childish where you were a child Yeah, so you were acting in accordance with who you were so it's very appropriate So expand more on that so trying to break your hand what what what were you under the impression that that would Bring you or what resolution with that inspire Yeah, that they would just stop the negativity and To shake them up basically to do to wake them up, you know to just yeah To shake things and to show them like what the fuck are you doing right? It's like it's just like yeah Yeah, like that Yeah, and as you remember that now being a memory that you hadn't recalled for a while How does that hit your body? How does that feel as a grown woman and as a mom? Very sad. Yeah, it's it's a heartbreaking and also very helpless very and very child in the most loving sense very very much a child who doesn't know What to do because back then I obviously didn't see myself as a child anymore at 13 You don't really see it at what least I didn't feel like I was a child, you know I just tried to deal with everything and and now I realized especially since I've get to me on Yeah, how how young and unequipped Yeah, I would have been at that age and that's yeah Yeah, and that's really said and lonely you're also very isolating very isolated especially as a very child so now looking back As a grown mother as a woman and you have a 16 year old son of your own so that version of you was three years younger than your son Yeah, I've a daughter was 12 so oh okay, so perfect. So look at her. Yeah, do you see how fragile and hopeless and powerless she would be in a situation? Yes, heartbreaking It's really heartbreaking, right? I mean that little girl was willing to injure herself damage her own hand Just first some peace Yeah, just to open some eyes basically yeah, yeah, but it wasn't open eyes. It was really she just wanted relief She was exhausted. Yeah, right She was at her wit's end. She was lost that she said she felt so hopeless so powerless that she was willing to actually harm herself Just to try and get some relief Yeah, that's true And also that's it that it's definitely true and also like um Everything would also this is this is another one I could feel it it's like physical pain would be better To feel physical pain would be better uh, this is it then to Experience the The heartache, right? It's like yeah Yeah, that hits you, right? Yeah, you think you should bring it but um Yeah, it's okay. It's beautiful. This is why we're here and I really appreciate you going there So imagine now you're 12 year old imagine her doing whatever you were gonna do to break her own hand Just to try and get your attention. Dev state Yeah, and it's like no Yeah And what what world must you have lived in and if you imagine your daughter what well must she live in that she's willing to go to those extremes Just to try and get some attention and relief Yeah, very isolated very lonely Yeah, yeah Yeah, hopefully, yeah, if you were to describe it in language like how does the world occur to her? How does everything seem to well? Hope this is the thing and especially And the world at large and even myself I even lost Like the hope well, even know the trust I lost the trust in everything because I couldn't trust my parents anymore Yeah, but I couldn't trust my body anymore either And there was there was nobody else also like I tried to reach out to family But they didn't really see me like so there was literally Like there was just nobody there so I I was like Yeah, what's that about then right it's like it's um Yeah, so it basically taught me to depend on me Yes, which now is also a quality because I'm Stronger Yeah, and it's Yeah, I'm really good at that then that feels like a really good quality as well But it's definitely also comes with a price A big price and that's also related to your migraines which we'll get to so what did that girl When you say you know you have to rely on you like what what What would that girl say in the way she described herself relative to the world like looking at your parents What did she decide? About herself and who she was relative to her parents Well That there's nobody there for me that there's nobody Yeah, if there's nobody there for you If there's nobody there for you what what does that mean about you in the way that you go through life The life is difficult Life is difficult for sure, but it's the way that as you said at the beginning you're very good at surviving Yeah So if you learn to survive what are you saying about who you are relative to life But no one else is coming for you or to help you so what does that mean? Yeah, I don't know I have to do it on my own, but also that it's not about me anymore. It's not about what I want It's it's it doesn't matter what I it's just doesn't it's not It's it's not about what I want it's about what I Yes, it's just about survival basically is like all different levels Yeah, so pretty astute and you're in the area right so let's look at it So okay, no one's coming for you. It's about survival and also the fact that it doesn't matter what you want right so So if it doesn't matter what you want what could you say? How would you articulate that in language? If it's not about you, what is that? It's about other people for sure, right? So there so what would that be as an energy that you would feel if it's about other people And you're the only one there. How does that feel? energetically and energetically like sucking the life out of me Yeah, absolutely and And if if we were to look at it there's one word that really hit me right from the beginning of us talking that You know really speaks volumes about who you are as a human as a woman and now as a mother But it's also what I would consider to be the biggest contributing factor to your health issues And also you're saying about your financials and your career is pressure you Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah And pressure because migraine is such a pressure thing it's so it's Exactly that's why I gave you the word so it's the thing is like even as I said it like there was a realization yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, right? Yeah, I can even feel it in my body. I can feel pressure really because I always feel pressure But that's why I gave you the word right? As soon as I saw you I could feel it right? You're a pit to type you're very intelligent, you know, so you're a fire type You're a kid who's right there you go so you feel that exhale that's a little bit of the release right but think about your daughter right now think about how would she feel if you were the drunk if you were the depressed you if you were the combination of your mom and your dad and she was the one having to take care of you could you see the amount of pressure as you said for a child who doesn't have the coping strategies doesn't have the resources to be able to do that. Yeah it's unbearable. It's not too much pressure. It's like overload. It's Yeah. And if someone were to say what are migraines like when you use the same word unbearable definitely and pressure unbearable pressure because it just feels like it's something you know, crashing through your veins and nervous system that's bigger than it has to go to yeah. It's belly impression yeah. So if you can understand the energetics of who you are as a fire type right so you're a fire type person. Your resting state meaning your everyday state is immense amount of pressure. Yeah. Just consider that's normal right that's your normal. It's not natural but that's normal. Definitely yeah. Then you have your cycle which is the increase of pitta fire. So your threshold is already met. So then you spill over. So the pressure that's already been there is now being exaggerated and amplified which is what then creates your migraines do you see. So it's normal for there to be an increase for for every woman but if they're not in a typical state of excessive pressure like you then sure they might get a mild headache that's not to say they wouldn't still feel the impact of these biological hormonal changes but it wouldn't be to the same extremes do you see that. Definitely. So I want you to consider in language in the way that I look at it through is you're familiar with my work you know these prisons right so the the language I want you to consider as that little girl when you said that it doesn't matter what you want. If it doesn't matter what you want what you're saying is that your needs don't matter. Yeah. Can you feel that. So imagine that little girl 13 her needs don't matter why because it's too important for her to have to take care of depressed mom alcoholic dad which is her way actually of just trying to create a safe environment for herself. Yeah. A peaceful environment for herself and she's willing to go to the extremes of really damaging herself harming herself like it makes me want to cry thinking about that poor 13 year old who's willing to hurt her precious beautiful little hand just to get a moment of emotional relief. So that's how far she's willing to embrace the fact that her needs don't matter so much that she can hurt herself the physical pain as you said would be way better than the emotional pressure. Yeah. You just really feel that Rose that was your life for years. Yeah. It is. Yeah. That's that's no life to lead. Well we still make the best of it. That's how you survived right. Yeah. Like you're an incredible woman and an incredible mother and your children are very lucky to have you but you're a fragment of your as you said you've lost yourself the girl who was very sporty who was very happy who was very full of life. She's still in there but she's buried under this huge amount of oppression. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But it's so it's so literal the pressure because like I can always feel pressure and not even I noticed that the other day yeah so acupuncture done and the vagus nerve also for the migraine and then the guy had it was it was quiet it was really intense because actually there was pressure coming out and I was shaking and shivering and crying and I really don't like to cry anymore but it was just I couldn't stop it and it was overwhelming and it just went on for like I don't know all along and then the guy took out the needles and I was resting again and then he said like what what do you hear right now and I said like oh my god it's quiet I just hear silence I don't hear anything and I and I didn't even know that I never hear silence I I'm just always here pressure like a buzzing sounds yeah so that's that is like literal pressure but also like when I sleep and then when I go when I fall asleep because I used to meditate a lot a lot of yoga and I mean I've you know I know I tried everything I tried everything right and and I use bits and bolts of everything and then when I fall asleep I make sure that I'm relaxed and I even let my hands start like you know in a relaxed way and not clenched or anything but then I wake up in the middle of the night or like early mornings and that's always when I feel basically all of us every morning I don't feel very well because I just I just feel like I wake up and I'm a fist star like this and I just you know my neck reverts and like always my throat there's always pressure on my throat and on my ears and jaws and I mean pressure is like yeah yeah pressure is pressure is it a divine dream I dare yeah so we're gonna get so you're doing great so I'm glad that you can see it and it really resonates so the first thing to recognize as a set is that little girl decided she decided that her needs don't matter they don't come first right but did she decide that or was that the reality no she decided we always decide that wasn't the reality that's how she perceived the reality because of the way the way that you view things is the way that you then uh alchemize your relationship to life I'm not saying that your dad being an alcoholic was great new mum was depressed was great but some other soul who wasn't here to learn the lesson of taking care of themselves wouldn't have that reaction they would have been like maybe they would have checked out yeah yeah yeah you're right again yeah definitely see so it wasn't because your dad was an alcoholic and your mum was depressed no it's going to be hard to take care of them yeah that's your way of relating yeah I get it and you will and this is where you be an extraordinary mum because you're going to put your kids first which we could argue every mother does at some level but not to the extremes you do probably because of the way you relate to life right yeah definitely you see that so you put your needs secondary everybody else's needs matter before yours for you yeah again we just want to understand the way you relate to life everything that we experience as human beings is based on the way we relate to life yeah and the way we relate to life is the way that we relate to ourselves in life so if who that little girl is is that her needs don't matter your parents needs or other people's needs come first then you will start to see how you behave right here and I'm going to guess that if we were to go through every boyfriend you've ever had you played the same role yeah yeah definitely but learning it's like a learning group right I mean but definitely true yeah yeah well hopefully and hopefully as we grow we become a little bit more aware of our patterns and maybe we don't become so driven by them or defined by them you know I find a lot of freedom though now but it's been it's been a journey definitely now you mean intimate relationships yeah yeah so yeah great so you've started to become more mature you've stood up for yourself and perhaps you know slowly progressively attracted men who aren't so needy to start with yeah now maybe someone who actually does also reciprocate and show love and affection and take care of your needs too yeah yeah that's really yeah great yeah and that's easier in that realm because it's not as significant as your parents as your or as your children right they're obviously closer to you anything that gets to that level of being closer is going to trigger at a deeper level the fact that they come first versus you well you know interesting thing is like I'm not I don't I would say like I'm not ever gonna live with anybody anymore except my kids and dogs but not with humans so I want to be in a relationship I am in a relationship it's very loving and there's a lot of space but as soon as I live with somebody then that's difficult for me because then I don't I don't know how to create a space when I'm actually physically in a house with somebody yeah amazing yeah so again just so this is beautiful so for you understand and to give you the possibility of living with someone I'm not saying you should or you shouldn't but at least we want to live in a world of freedom where that is available to you you're not worried about when you said you can't live with someone what you're actually saying is you can't live with the idea that your needs don't matter when you're with somebody so what you're avoiding is not living with someone what you're avoiding is the stress and the pressure and the pain of thinking you have to put your needs secondary yeah do you see that so it's really subtle because if you really understand that you could live with as many people as you want what we want to be able to turn off is the fact that everybody else's needs come first before yours that's not a truth that's a lie that you've created yeah do you see that yeah I do so again so if I were to categorically ask you is it true as an absolute truth that your needs don't matter well I said absolutely truth no well that's how I phrase the questions then the answer is no sir great so that's the absolute truth now however it roses reality in the way that she lives views herself and interacts with the people that's not not a truth, that's the way it is, that's your normal. And that's what you're trying to avoid. You're not trying to avoid living with someone. You're trying to avoid the pain and the suffering that comes from the way that you relate to living with somebody. And there's another level to this which we're going to get to, right? I just first of all want you to see how willing unbeknownst to yourself, so there's no guilt or shame, you are to put your own needs to one side. What's it like as a woman, as smart as an intelligent, as committed to health and wellness as you are to realize that you've been doing that to yourself? Well, I think I always find it new, but I rebel in other ways. So I don't know. And you have to, because otherwise you were just implode, right? I mean, you rebel to the point that you explode and you're willing to try and break your own hand as a child. And we could even argue that to some degree, your migraines are actually, this might sound very strange to you. Your migraines are the only form of relief you get. Yeah. Yeah, that's true, because it's very extreme and then there's nothing else. It's like, in a way, it's true. Yeah, I mean, as I was about to say those words, it hit me how powerful that is, because you would set the opposite. But actually, if you live in a world consistently where you're under pressure, where you're the one who's taking care of everyone else's needs versus yours, this is the only moment that Rose gets to actually focus on herself. Think about it. If a 13 year old is willing to actually break her hand, how painful that would have been, how long that would have stayed, you said your migraines can last anywhere from a few days to maybe a week or two. Your hand injury would have been longer. This is the way albeit unconscious. Of course, we wouldn't wish us upon you. You're not choosing it consciously, but it is a way where you get to check out for a minute from the pressure of always thinking you have to take care of everybody else first. Isn't that crazy when you look at that? It is, but at the same time, it's so crazy because it actually hits so much extra pressure and especially now, since I'm in Hattled, and especially also being a single mom is like everything continues. Even with or without my grain, I continue to. Of course, but that's the way that the ego perpetuates its own existence, right? Because you're getting more mature, you're getting older. You said even in your romantic relationships, you're learning to shift and transform the way you relate to people, which is great. But your ego is like, "No, no, no, no, no, no. I got to stay in the world of pressure." What's one of the ways I can keep amplifying and adding to that existence? It doesn't want to go anywhere. So you've learned, you've managed through your resources, your intelligence, your capability, your wisdom to manage other people's needs very well, right? But as you get better at that, then the feeling of pressure starts to dissipate. It starts to lessen. So what better way to keep that alive? It's like an addiction, right? You know, when somebody starts with a mild drug, especially over there in Holland, everyone, a lot of people smoke weed, right? And then before you know, you've got to go to the next thing, right? So here, okay, you learn to manage your pressure, but because you learn to manage it, the pressure seems to dissipate and it starts to minimise. So then what better way to keep adding to it, to keep it alive than to every month have this addictive check-in with even more pressure, not just literally and biologically, but then emotionally because you're not able to tend to the things that you have to tend to as a mother. Can you see the pattern at least? I definitely, I can't see the pattern, definitely, but I just, I just, but why would I do it? I mean, yeah, why? Well, you're not doing it. It's unconscious, right? This is what the ego does. People sabotage their lives in all sorts of ways. People will throw money away and gambling or through, you know, reckless investments or they'll break up their families just to be right about the fact that they're a loser or they're a failure, whatever it might be, right? Good work. It was right at the beginning when you watched this again, you were using the word failure a lot. Yeah, I feel that a lot. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, and so failure is the way that you can relate yourself as somebody who wasn't successful at taking care of other people's needs, which by the way, you never can. Because it's not your responsibility. Yeah. Yeah, I know. So when you look at it, I mean, I know, no, right? Now you know, yes, but knowing is one thing actually embodying is another, right? Yeah, definitely. So the fact that your needs don't matter and everybody else's needs are far more important is a lie that you live within that creates an immense amount of pressure. Yeah, and there's an enormous fear underneath it. So I can imagine that the pressure maybe helps in covering the share. Yes. And what is the fear to articulate it? Like real hard, like maybe losing my parents or like if it like, yeah, really being doing them and then feeling responsible for that that I didn't was unable to make things better for them. I think that's it. Yeah. So now the difference is it's not that you're responsible. That's close, but the language is different for a girl. A little child doesn't go, well, I'm responsible. How would she phrase it if her parents fell apart or forbid her dad died from alcoholism or a mum took her life because of her depression? What would that little girl say about her role in that? That was her fault. Bingo. And really like that just gave me chills, right? That's the second part that I wanted to take you to. And you just let go of a little bit, but you live in the world like it's all your fault. Yeah. And just really get there, Rose. How old are you now? 47. Great. So just for just consider for like 34 years and it's before the 13 year old, you've been living in a world where first of all, you're needs don't matter. Everybody else needs to come first. Just presence that for yourself. And secondly, it's all your fault if these other people, people you care about aren't taking care of it. Then needs aren't met. It all comes back to you. Why that actually doesn't feel like it just feels like normal to me. No, I know. Your normal is dysfunctional. Your normal is migraines. Your normal as you said is you've lost yourself. Yeah. So I know it feels normal to everybody. It feels normal. Everyone likes the guy on the street pumping heroin into his veins right now. That's normal. Yeah. I'm not necessarily advocating that for a good way to live life. No. See you, as you said, rose, you're a brilliant, you're smart, you're kind, you've got a huge heart, you're capacity and your tolerance is insane like most women, especially when you become a mother, it just gets amplified in your ability to take care of other people at the expense of yourself. Yeah, that's all normal. But it ain't working. Yeah. And it's also an incredible constraint on your joy of life. Thank you. Which equally then not only impacts your expression, your self expression, your creativity, your business, your financial security, all the things you were worried about, let alone your physiological response to life. It's also impeding your ability to truly be there for your kids, which, and they're everything to you. Let alone your dogs, or whatever else other sentient beings you do allow in your house. All of them. Yeah, just know what the men. They can come with the after-goat. That's right. That's right. That's right. We're very loving, yeah. So loving. And I really hope that this conversation is actually going to open up the possibility. It sounds like you've got a great partner for now. Yeah. You know, for that too, too, as a possibility, not as a half-do or a must. You know, maybe there could be a future where you will live under the same roof because rose doesn't have to feel like one. Other people's needs come before hers. Really? That, you know, we could say on the other side of it's my fault is it's all up to you. It's the way that you could see it. Yeah. It's all up to you, isn't it? Everything. Well, in the end, yeah. Yeah. Okay. And when you live in that, how does that feel? If you feel like you're in the world where it's all up to you and if it doesn't happen, it's your fault. I mean, you might as well like just have pressure tattooed on your forehead. Yeah. Or in the inside of my lips. Yeah. I hope you're enjoying this conversation and even moved by it and perhaps part of you would love to learn more to go deeper and really understand the mechanics of the mind, whether it's to help yourself or others you care about. What would it mean to you to be able to break free from the subconscious limitations that hold you back and help others to do the same? If that's something you'd love to be able to do and to discover with it a new world of freedom of possibility, then I invite you to check out my mastermind with over 30 hours of theory and coaching led by me personally. Okay. I'm back to the conversation. Yeah, man. It's like, I'm even so, I'm trying to imagine like, I mean, what I meant to say with like, this is normal. It's like, I don't even feel like a relief because this is like, yeah, I know. This is like, but I'm just trying to picture like, wow. How does it feel to do it the other way around then? I'm like, I know. Listen, whoever I talk to, yes, believe me. Like if you've ever witnessed me work with any this is the expression I say. I'm introducing you to a world with which you're not familiar. Yeah, exactly. It is so foreign to the ego and the personality. When I point out a world on the other side of the lies, the constraints you've been living in that people don't even know how to step into it. No. But your body is already with the amount of excels you've had. It doesn't matter. And you're very smart, so you will get it. And I'm not going to leave you hanging out in the world. You're in. It's not bad. You've survived. You're incredible. You're a resource for your capable. Yes. You're incredibly tolerant. Yeah. It's insane. And you're very loving. But there is an entire universe of freedom of love, of possibility waiting for you to come and play in. Yeah. And that's all without drugs. Yes. All without drugs. I'm like the most high person I know. I haven't touched drugs once, right? Because I'm looking in the world of pure freedom. Now, I obviously as a human have dipped in and out of the world of suffering. That's why I can have compassion. I know what it's like. It's miserable. But your world of suffering has become so normalized that you're semi-attached to it. Yeah. But what is it like for you to live in the world where it's all up to you? And if it doesn't work out, it's your fault. What does that feel like? I know it says normal, but really look at it. Look at it through the eyes of your 12-year-old daughter. Your beautiful 12-year-old. If she, if you as a mother looked at her and the way she related to herself was it's all up to her. And if she does anything wrong, if anything bad happens to mummy, it's her fault. How would you feel for that child? Yeah, terrible. It's, it's, yeah, in the end. But she's right, no, but that's normal mummy. That's normal. You're like, what? No, it's not. It's very unhurt. Not normal. No, it's not. It's super dysfunctional. Yeah, it is. It's, and it's like you'd crumble under the pressure, right? And it's not, indeed, it's, it's the opposite of freedom, indeed. It's the opposite. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it's exactly how I describe my life. Like I've became, I honestly think I've become the champion, a rail champion, at making the best of what is. And I'm grateful for everything in it, but it's the opposite of freedom. Yes, this is the way I phrase it. You've become the best version of your limited self. Yeah, yeah, one percent. Yeah. Do you want to keep being the limited version of Rose? Well, well, no, I prefer not. But then again, I'm also very proud of, you see, it's like, but that's the thing. So there is a little bit of resistance of letting go, right? That's the holding onto it. I would say less than a little. There's a lot. I think it was. It's done with a little. You're pretty proud. And I get it. And as you should be for what you've accomplished in the face of a lot of adversity, especially as an only child, you know, like a related lot, right? Like in ways that are very different. My mum who had cancer from the age of five, I had to learn to be the good boy because where was where was the time for me to have my tantrums or my mouth down? My mum was dying of cancer for two years. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So very similar in the way that I could see that I would put my needs secondary because mummi needs all the attention. Yeah. And then dad dies when I'm 17, like, okay, well, definitely I'm all by myself. It's definitely up to me. So I can certainly see a lot of my own habits, tendencies and perspectives and yours. But for that reason, I also know they're categorically not true. It's the world that you made up based on the evidence of your reality, which is, of course, what we do, it's just not a truth. Not an absolute truth and it's true. Yeah, true and it's true. It was a way that you managed. It was a way that you survived. That 13-year-old didn't know any better. Yeah. Now, I'm not saying that this was inappropriate. This is clearly your karma. You did exactly what you were meant to do, but that 13-year-old could have equally as a possibility, just understand this in language, walked out of the room, left the kitchen table when they're fighting. So we'll fuck you guys, figure it out. You're old enough to figure it out by yourself, right? This is so true. I only realized that maybe a year ago, why did I just, you know, why didn't I not do that? But I just felt like a crudance. It wasn't, yeah, it just wasn't in the books for me. It's like, I don't know. It's like, I did make that option. Yeah. No, because that was not your karma to do that because every incarnation we're here to look at the things we're here to look at. Yeah. Your parents were simply the excuse, the excuse, the catalyst to reveal the prison you're here to reconcile, which is the idea, the belief, it's deeper than a belief, that everybody else's needs come before yours. And it's up to you to make sure that everyone around you is freaking happy. Yeah. Yeah. I really do have that. Yeah. Yeah. So there you go. I just want to leave that you have your exhale. And then you wonder why you have fucking my brain. Yeah. And I just, I mean, talk about literally hitting your head up against the proverbial wall called you're trying to control everything and everyone around you. Yes. It's shocking. Diaries and when it's like, oh my god. No shit. It's exhausting. Jesus. Jesus. Yes. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So you've had some beautiful excels. Can you feel that in your body? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I can't. Yeah. Beautiful. That's some of the pressure starting to dissipate, starting to leave your body. And the way that you continue to stepping into that world of freedom, which is how we started. This is what you wanted, right? Is I mean, every human being is here. As I said, to discover freedom, why this whole podcast, my whole message is called finding freedom is because that's your nature. You started. You were very sporty. You were such a happy, fun, loving girl. She's still there. She's just been buried literally mad in a girl who in an earthquake is buried under like six tons of bricks. Yeah. Well, honestly, she's called the little space in there. Somehow she's still breathing. She's like, well, I'm making the best of it. I can see some slides you under. Yeah. Okay. I can't even touch it for like a little while. But then there's just somebody with like a big, you know, baseball bat. And you know, I just went up and running again. She's waiting for somebody to just knock me off again. Yeah. And that person with the baseball bat is your own ego. Yeah. So I asked the question earlier, isn't it absolute truth that your needs don't matter? No. No. So that would open up a new world. Wouldn't that way you could tend yourself? That doesn't mean you go to the spar every day. It doesn't mean that you run a hot bath with rose petals and candles every day. But there would be an expression of that sort of taking care of oneself. There may be things that Rose wants has desires and her own aspirations that she could tap into a little bit more giving herself permission. Do you see that? Just to start to crack the door like some of those bricks that have been on top of you are starting to fall by the wayside and you're like, oh, hang on a minute, I could actually step out and see what's out there. It would be nice for me to put my feet on the grass as opposed to lying on this concrete under bricks, right? It's not a big need, but it's something that would feel good. Yeah. So then the second one we have to look at is it true as an absolute truth that everything and by everything I mean everyone around you or the circumstance everything is up to you. Yes or no? Is it true that everything in the world rose? No, it's not true. Okay, I had to help you out there. Well, because I'm like, it's fucking fielster, isn't it? You're feeling it's not, but so it's not an absolute, I guess I know it's not an absolute truth. That's the best way to answer. It is because that's the truth. That's why it's the best way to answer. Okay, so now with me, if it's not a truth, you know the world of it is all up to you because also on the other side of it's up to you, you can't possibly, it's literally impossible to manage. The circumstances and billions of people on the planet from that perspective of it's up to you. You can't do it. Therefore what's going to happen, you're always going to fail. That was if you listen again to the beginning of this conversation, you said failure like five or six times because then it's your fault. So now you've got the pressure of it's up to you. The guilt and shame of not being up to fulfill on that because you're like that 13 year old, she feels hopeless to manage a drunk grown man and a depressed grown woman. So you keep fulfilling on the same energy of powerlessness which is why you manifest physiologically something that you don't know why is there and you can't get rid of and you're powerless to and all of that. So when you see that world that you live in, we know that world. It's full of pressure, it's full of stress, it's full of vigilance, you're always looking out for potentially worst case scenarios that you have to manage. Vigilance is like danger, right? Yeah, vigilance is like your super observant but from a place of fear. If you don't control everything, the mum goes away, dad goes away and you're left by yourself which ironically is the energy you've been living in and of isolation and separation, right? It's self-fulfilling. So now that's all gone Rose, it's all gone. You realize the truth, it's not up to you, it's just not up to you. You do the best you can of course, especially as your mum, you obviously don't on your children which is beautiful but as it relates to your parents now, as it relates to the world, as it relates to God knows whatever's going on with your neighbors, none of that is up to you. Now if you could just embody that, if your only responsibility is what you choose to be responsible for, see it's a choice, it's not an obligation, you've been living in a world of obligation, it's a choice. you choose to love and don't on your children. Why? Because you'd all them. But you can also choose to let your freaking parents argue or do whatever the fuck they want and it's got nothing to do with you. How could you feel if you let go of the obligation part of it's up to you? How might that feel for you? Well, that feels more free and I actually do think that I took that step a little bit. I'll give you some. You said your parents are a little better now and you can. Well, you better see their health is pretty bad right now and like mom is still making choices that's like beyond me. She could choose those but I funk peace with that and I'm going to love her and not try to convince her otherwise and just love her for her decisions and not feel and to accept that I have no control and that this is her life and her struggle and that I can just love her for what is, you know. Amazing. So that I would say is a beautiful external representation of what I'm pointing you towards but what we can definitely tell is even though you know that mentally your body is still in the old world or has been of thinking obligation it's up to me. Definitely. So that's what we want to release today is in your body the pressure. Yeah. So so I want you to just literally repeat after me none of it is up to me. None of it is up to me. Yeah, I don't believe it. Yeah, none of it is up to me. The matter didn't ask you to repeat that part. Just sit with it. Close your eyes and you're just going to repeat after me. Nothing is up to me. Nothing is up to me. I don't need any come back to sit with that. I just want you to feel in your body if if I'm not saying this is a world I'm going to leave you and you're a mother. Your kids are awesome and you love them. I'm not asking you to do anything. I'm just asking you to feel what might it be like for Rose if you could just imagine living in a world where nothing is up to you. So say it again, nothing is up to me. Nothing is up to me. What would that feel like and we saw cheeky smile. Yeah, it's amazing, right? Actually, well, I don't want the resistance. I'll stay in the world. Nothing is up to you. Yeah, I'm feeling it. No, I just wanted to tell something, but that's not so appropriate to know. Go ahead. Don't know, it is. This is all the property. I'm living in Holland, right? Yeah. There's been like a few years in my life and my young adult who when I was actually free of all of this and that's basically how I felt when I started doing smoking the weeds and those kinds of things. That's why it's so addictive, I guess. I'm not doing anything with any of it. We haven't been for a long time, but that's what I came up for is like, oh yeah. Yeah, that was the smile, right? They cracked on your face. They're now starting to see you. The girl that you thought you lost is coming right across. Yeah. It's very clearly through your face. You've done a very good job and it's through no fault of your own of suppressing her, which is part of the pressure. Your inability to, you know, you said at the beginning wanting to your finances, your career, your coaching, whatever it is, is because you've been thwarting, right? Inhibiting, holding back, your self-expression, you're super fun, you're super playful, you're a woman. I mean, holy shit, like women know how to express themselves. They are the expressive aspect of this manifest world, more so than the men, men create structure and stability, but women, you know, why do women need so many shoes and hammocks and outfits? Because they have so many different ways to express themselves, right? I'm a bit outfigured. Yes, because you had to be. You took that on. The A-type, more the masculine. Then you lost the playful, the expressive, the dancing, the joyous, the sensual feminine. Not because you lost it, because it became covered in rubble. But I've never used that image, you know, during any of these conversations, but it's like that earthquake where you've been buried under like a few tons of bricks. Yeah, yeah, that's very recent percentage. As a visual, right? So now what we're doing is I'm out here pulling bricks off you and part of you use like a little scared of what's out there. You become comfortable in the discomfort of your own unturned, like sort of unconscious prison. And I'm not saying you have to come out immediately, but there's now an opening for you to come out and play. Yeah. How does that feel? Yeah. Well, I feel a bit unreal actually. Like it feels like, like, no, it feels really nice. And I do really notice part of myself because it does come up, right? I mean, I do have space for it, but it's like, it's like, then it's there. And then somehow she goes away again. And then I don't know why and how to get it back. Right? It's like, well, now you do. I hopefully now you do through this conversation. I'm not saying you remember, I don't mean to entrap, but if you live in the two worlds again in your subconscious, where everyone else is needs matter before your own or your needs don't matter, whichever way you want to phrase it. And it's all up to you. Yeah, I'm going to write that down. Think about that. Yeah. Think about that. If you live in, and again, it's a world rose. It's like literally a world, right? Meaning a space that you live in. Everyone else is needs matter before yours or you could say your needs don't matter. Like they're baked one and the same and it's all up to you. And if it's all up to you and it doesn't work, then it's your fault. So that's the pressure. Yeah. Yeah. So think about that. You're literally walking around. I know you're walking around on the planet called, you know, the globe and you live in Holland, but no, in here, in your mind, you live in a world where it's all up to you and your needs don't matter. All that is is pressure. Yeah. All that is is the potentiality for failure and guilt and shame. All that is physiologically is for you, especially around the time of your cycle to have immense amount of pressure in a headache. Even if I was a guy without a cycle, you know, and I lived in that world, I would have consistent headaches. I'm a holy shit. I'm constantly trying to manage the world around me and control everything. Make sure everyone's okay. And if they're not, it's my fault. I mean, that is the proverbial hitting your head up against the absolutely hopeless wall of self-inflicted judgment and guilt. Yeah. There's nothing to gain there. Nothing at all. Actually, it's like impossible. You just said it. I mean, literally, there's nothing to gain because what you're up to, which is always the mo of the ego, is unattainable. Think about it this way. It's a very simple example. If someone thinks they're not good enough and they become a people-pleaser of perfectionists as a coping strategy, it never works. Why? Because they're being driven by they're not good enough. Yeah. They can never be good enough if who they are is not good enough. Yeah. Yeah. But I can understand it from like an intellectual point of view. Yeah. Yes. I understand, but you've also had moments with deep exhales. I had to shut my eye for a good and good again. When you smiled like that 13-year-old is smoking weed again or 12-year-old, whatever the fuck you started. Whatever. Whatever. Where you're being quote-unquote free. Yeah. That's your nature, my dear. Yeah. Your nature is freedom. And then on top of freedom, you've got the world of prisons and constraints called it's all up to me and my needs don't matter. Okay. We'll go and have a nice life. So, but how to stay in the freedom by them? You don't have to stay there. You're always there. You've always been in freedom. It's about removing the lie that it's up to you. So, say it again, say it again, nothing is up to me. Yeah, nothing is up to me. It is. Nothing like I really want you to get there. I know your brain is like, well, wait, I have two kids, and I have nothing, nothing, nothing, something's are in a list of things. No, nothing, nothing, nothing's up to you. And then on top of nothing is up to you. You get to choose what is up to you. I choose to be an extraordinary mother. I choose to love and don't on my, just on my children. It's all a choice. Yeah, yeah, that's a difference. That's a very different world. You've been living in the world. If you have to take care of it, Drunk Father, you have to manage and like, you know, soften the depression of your mother. Like, that's in fucking impossible. You're not responsible for their emotional well-being. It's nicer. You tried, but certainly not as a 13-year-old. I can't be responsible for you. I can just point out what you're already doing for yourself, which is living in a prison of constraint, creating all the pressure that physiologically manifests as migraines. It stifles yourself expression. It kills your joy. It absolutely eradicate your freedom. Yeah, so literally, they, it literally in a prison. And what I'm doing is pointing out the bars, which are actually in language. I mean, talk about bars. I don't know if you know that as an expression, but you know, when somebody says something really profound, people are like, wow, dropping bars. It's like, you know, as an expression in music. Yeah, so, but the bars, in this case, are the words that you use as the prison bars of your own hell. Yeah. And what I'm doing is pointing out they're not true. Is it true, Rose, that it's all up to you? No, it's not. It's fucking not. It's not even close to the truth. That's the prison you've been living in. Is it true that your needs don't matter? No. No, or the other way around, is it true that other people's needs matter more than yours? What shouldn't? No. No. They don't. No. No. No. I know that's hard for a woman and it's really hard for a mother to be able to wrap their head around. But you know, FAA, like every airplane you've ever been on, like, you know, what I'm gonna say? You put your mask on first. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And you've been suffocating, which is also energetically and biologically where you don't have sufficient flow. You know, there's the heaviness and the pressure of the circulatory system, the absence of oxygen. You know, like you're getting these headaches and migraines. If you. But imagine, just imagine, right, when of your cyclist's necks and I don't know that there won't be a migraine, I'm gonna guess it's be way less. Can you, if can you imagine if your body was feeling as soft as you started to feel when you smiled realizing nothing is up to you? Could you just perhaps speculate that your migraines would either not be there or be less? Could you, could you see that? You don't know it. I know. But if your body was this soft, you were that at ease. You realized it's not up to you. There's no fault. There's no failure. And that your needs matter, which means you could do whatever you have to do. Yeah. Don't have to feel because I can imagine as a mom, if you start to feel a migraine, you then add extra pressure because I, oh, shit, no, no, no, no, no, I got to be here for my kids or I've got to take care of this or I've got to prepare dinner. Do you see it? As soon as the little bit of pressure comes in, you then amplify it with your own pressure of what you should be doing. Yeah. And I just die a lot of my feelings. So it's like, okay, yeah, we just go like on automatic pilot again. Yeah. So again, you just turn off your own needs. Yeah. Whereas there might be the subtle symptom, which is enough for maybe you to go lie down, put a cold towel on your head or line the dog for just 10 minutes. And then it just, you know, it, it eradicates whatever you are dealing with versus, you know, fighting, yeah, fighting more, which adds more pressure. Yeah, exactly. I used to feel like I have to. Yeah. And now I realize, like, no, I can choose to. It's a totally different world. Yeah. It definitely still works. Yeah. Totally. It's a new world. Good. Yeah. You live in a world like it wasn't, there was no choice for a, if there's no choice, all you have is obligation and pressure. Whereas you literally, and that's why I know it was half you on a sand, but you did a good job. There's nothing that is up to you. Nothing paying your rent, paying your mortgage, none of it. Now, are there consequences of not doing stuff? Of course, you know, eventually maybe someone comes around from your landlord or your the bank and they're like, well, you need to leave because you haven't paid for six months. But you still don't have to. You just, okay, well, I'll go live somewhere else or I live on the street. Like it's not what you want. No, no, no, no. You understand. But it's all a choice. Everything is a choice. But also like when I was young, like 13, even then, I didn't have to. As she said, I couldn't walk away. You know, I couldn't be in theory. But then. Yeah. But I choose to. Yeah. But it do think it kind of helps me to realize. Like, that's what I choose to do. Yes. Maybe I didn't know any better, but then call it. You know, that. Even that gives me a sense of really. It's massive. And that's all you're wanting. Where relief is the the the the anti venom to your migraines, right? The relief is the medicine for your body and your physiology to be able to fucking relax. Yeah, exactly. It's the anti scene, which you said the anti venom. Yeah, the docs, docs, toxicity, yeah, because migraine feels like the natural toxic actually. Yeah. And this is the venom because it's like it's a whole toxic process. It's like, yeah, yeah, it's big. It's huge. Yeah, thank you. You look, you look amazing. Your face is so right. So light. It's a good. There you go. Yeah. So this is me breaking your hand for you, which is breaking the prison you lived in. You just didn't need to go through the physical pain. You just needed to go through the emotional release of realizing the hell you've been living in through no fault of your own. Yes, you could look back and go as a 13 year old. You could have chosen to not engage, not worry about your parents. But that's hypothetical. You couldn't. No, I didn't blame myself. I don't blame myself. No, that was your journey. That was your karma. Right. Yeah. And now you're at a point as a 47 year old where you can go holy shit. I've spent my entire life. Certainly was a team thinking. It's all up to me. I have to and everybody else's needs matter before my own. Yeah, and it makes complete sense that I'm exhausted. Yeah, it's tiresome. I'm always a failure because I can never fulfill on that. I get fucking headaches. Yeah. Yeah. And because of this fucking headaches, I feel everything that's important. It's like it's just the gift that keeps giving. It's like absolutely. Yeah. And that's why I said to go back. It's a funny thing. Getting migraines was past tense. Let's start to put it behind you. The only time you got relief. Because even though it's horrible, that is the version of breaking your hand. Because you had to deal with something that was more important than worrying about everybody else for a minute. Yeah. Yeah. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. Yeah. You're a dull version. Yeah. In terms that you can't think of anything else, basically, which is what that 13 year old was trying to do by breaking a hand. That's intense. That's fucking intense. Imagine your beautiful. I'm sure she's absolutely stunning. Yes. She's a perfect little body. Imagine that little girl wanting to break her hand. It's devastating. Yeah. It's devastating. Yeah. So there's no more of that, right? There's no more of harming yourself, my dear. You are a joy. You are a bright light. You are such a sweetheart. You have got so much love to give. And now you get to include yourself in that. Yeah. That's a different world. That's an entirely different world. Your kids just got a way more joyous, free, fun-loving, full of possibility mother. And also about that self love as well, because I always wonder about self love. And I do feel like self love. But self love is always such a topic, right? But loving myself to instead of having to being able to, I can choose to, that is massive self love. Yeah. And even if your mom was to call you this evening and say, blah, blah, blah, your father this and father that your old you would have clicked into oh shit, I have to do something. Now you get to listen, oh, mom, that's too bad. I'm sorry to hear about that. Well, I hope you guys figured out I'm going to go and make the kids dinner. And you know, if you want to call me to marry, welcome to you. See, it's like, yeah, leaving her because what you're saying in that exchange is your amazing mom, you can figure it out. Your old enough, my dad would always say this to me as a kid. Don't worry about Peter. He's old enough and ugly enough to take care of himself. He would say that to you. Yes. And to my friends, obviously, he loved the shit out of me, but it was his way of empowering me. Yeah. Yeah, he's old enough and ugly enough to take care of himself. Yeah. And I would give you the confidence. Yeah. I'm not sure I did it at the time. But I knew he was always just joking with me. But yeah. Yeah. It's a way of you empowering other people to deal with their own shit versus thinking of the whole world. Yeah. And it makes you a better mother for your kids because I'm sure you of course you want them to be capable human beings. But I'm sure you also step in at times when you probably don't need to because of the have to versus letting them figure it out. Yeah. Yeah. You know what the interesting thing is because like it's a pretty well balanced and spoken out and they feel safe because I, you know, and they actually tell me like, I'm not just shut up. Just let me figure it out. I'm like, yeah. Okay. And then yeah. And then I actually realize like, yeah, okay, that's that's that's beautiful. Actually, and I'll just be right here. Right? Like, yeah, I'll be the safety net. And if you don't need it, perfect. You know, if you do need me, I'm right here. Amazing. But you get rid of that edge, that pressure of having to interfere with other people. Yeah, and especially their happiness, that's the big one. That's and that is still very everybody's not everybody, but the people that I care about their happiness. I do indeed feel very much responsible for that. And I do also really realize right now that I'm really not. Listen, you're really not. It's literally impossible. Yeah. And the only form of happiness that you've been denying and negating and ignoring is your own. Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty big, isn't it? It is. And I promise you this, your kids want nothing more. Cause think about that 13 or who was willing to break her hand. Your kids won't want for mommy to be happy. That's what I realized because that's all I wanted. That's all I ever wanted for them. Well, my parents did just feel happy and express themselves and just thrive as their selves basically. Yeah. Well, now you get literally for the first time in decades, have the chance to do that. What a gift to you, what a gift to your children and what a gift to all of us having this conversation with you and those listening. Yeah, I hope it helps out of what it will help other people. Of course it will. There's so many people playing the same game, I think in the same prison thinking it's a lot to them and it's their fault if they don't save the planet. Yeah, why that's luckily, you know, I don't have it that big, but um, no, but that you might as well. That's the end of you. I used to when I was younger. I used to have it. Yeah. Now you've let it go. So now fuck it, I'm gonna live my life and have a blast and yeah Fuck it. Yeah, amazing. There's one thing I want you to be aware of as the anticipatory process of the brain, right? The assumption that things might be a certain way, but now from this place of like choice versus obligation or have to, you can stay in the, I don't know, the unknown. Let's see. Yeah. Yeah. Or that you can manage is keeping yourself very calm, very cool, very chilled, you know, and if there are certain symptoms you experience, okay, fine. I'm going to take care of my needs. You kids figure it out. I'm going to go lie down in the dark or put my face in a cold bowl of water or whatever it is that you feel you have to do, you know, to help take care of your needs. I'm confident to say that whatever you thought you had as health issues are already leaving your body. That's it. Amen to that. Amen to that. So yeah. Well, thank you so much. Thank you, Madis. Such a joy to be with you. Welcome to finding more freedom. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm just so grateful that you offered this opportunity. So amazing. Yeah. Yeah.