Find The Communist!

conan o'brien needs a fan want to talk to conan visit teamcoco.com call conan okay let's get started hey patrick patrick welcome to conan o'brien needs a fan and i'm especially excited for you we'll tell you why what the hell was that all right oh we'll tell him how about we ask him what he does and then we find out organically well i already know yeah we all already know you're bad at show business i don't you're terrible no he's great thank you yeah yeah you're so good i don't think i made that big an error yeah i don't know no it wasn't that big anyway but an error is still the same patrick don't let us squabbling bother you uh gorley's unprofessionalism his lack of show business pizzazz sometimes tickles my wazoo and not in a good way but professional let's uh continue it says here that you're patrick you're from pennsylvania and uh it says here and now it's revealed let me see what it is you do oh it says here you're the creative director of highlights magazine what is yes we are subscribers at our household yes we that makes me happy too no i i always read them i always read them yeah at like i always read them yeah you would never pay for a magazine you would go someplace where they have the magazine and read it free like she watches all of her streaming shows and cable shows she goes to bars where they're playing that stuff and then she'll yeah she'll watch dinks um dinks i just think i made that up oh okay i was like is there a show i think there is is there a show called dinks like double income no kids there's a new streaming movie dinks there's that pickleball movie great i'm cool um patrick um some people would say that i'm taking us down a bad road but where in pennsylvania are you from i just love america and i love knowing what part of the state you're in uh we're in the wilds of northeastern pennsylvania incredible 20 minutes outside of scranton okay i didn't care i just thought i should do that first um patrick um you work for highlights magazine we have two people here who are extremely excited about this you have to understand i'm an older gentleman highlights is a very dim memory for me i'm a very dim memory for me i'm a very dim memory for me from my past okay uh sort of like my first and second marriage but tell us highlights you have highlights at your home you subscribe yeah i mean i was a reader as a kid as well but yeah my daughter glenn and i we have a subscription and the minute that thing hits our mailbox it's appointment reading and we sit down and we do the searches we do the sillies we do all of it yeah that makes my heart happy well you make my heart happy oh my god will you marry me yes you've caused an arrhythmia in my heart patrick uh third and fourth ventricle out of sync um okay so remind me because i vaguely remember some things about highlights uh mostly from when i would see a pediatrician um for my mental health well into my 40s by the way how did that go uh he was disbarred let's just put it that way so you went to a lawyer i went to a lawyer it was part of my problem that's when they knew i was really had an issue um okay uh i think it's a good time to talk about what we like and maybe what could be improved about highlights magazine and sona and gorley i really turn the the uh the mics over to you guys i mean i always liked goofus and gallant oh i love goofus and gallant yeah and i it took me a long time to realize goofus was the silly one it wasn't there in the name you know what's funny i just have to mention this patrick a comedy writer friend of mine and i've been doing this for a long time and i've been doing this for a long time uh who has since passed who was uh who is a genius named dan mcgrath um and he later later wrote on the simpsons but dan mcgrath when i was in college uh he wrote for the mag the comedy magazine and he wrote a panel a series of panels and it was called it was a parody of goofus and gallant was called goofus and galley slave and it was like goofus makes i mean you know uh goofus whatever forgets to make his bed um and just rushes off to school uh and leaves it messy galley slave pines for the day he might have a bed instead he suffers the cruel taskmaster's lash as he pulls on the on the oar and it was they were illustrated and it was really really funny so shout out to demograph um that was it go back matt well i just feel like we should talk to patrick here he we've got the man himself what you don't need to hear from me tell us about how does it happen yeah what's the pressure on you when you're approaching deadline and maybe you don't have a good goofus and gallant or there isn't a good spot the onion in this picture what do you do uh we have a lot of brainstorming we have a lot of absurd conversations i think what's great about our world it's like kids don't understand the laws of physics and reality is different for them so we operate in the absurd absurdity of life right so we get to have the craziest conversations the most bizarre brainstorming and the most bizarre brainstorming and just get to go wild and tap into our inner 10 year old selves which is awesome yeah this happens in comedy writing where we you know we're doing something for a broadcast maybe it's going to be the oscars or something like that and what happens is in the pitching sessions you get way out into the woods and you're talking about ideas that could never be on the show or maybe they're way too dirty or insane you must do that in the highlights writer's room think of things where you're laughing and you're laughing and you're laughing and you're laughing and you're laughing really hard your eyes are watering and then you're like guys guys guys this can never go in highlights oh yeah you have to go dark the dark humor you have to go absurd yeah you have to go a little bit crazy and go okay that was fun you have to get that's like a great mental exercise and then you bring it back and go okay now we have to think about a nine-year-old you know what's going to work for a nine-year-old yeah and it's not going to be uh goofus and galley slave yeah although the brothers grim proved it can be really dark you know a lot of early children's are very very dark yeah kids are getting tossed into ovens and all kinds of crazy things but they get disneyfied and then they're not that scary anymore and what they originally used to scare kids into behaving not as a source of like comfort or enjoyment yeah well also i should point out that what was really scary for kids back then was that they wouldn't make it past nine did you guys brainstorm that little story yeah if you know but i mean if this was 1840 you'd never live to see your 10th birthday you'd be shot out of a cannon or die of tuberculosis sorry patrick i'm not helping um yeah so you guys must have a lot of early days yeah back in the early days i mean goofus and gallant gallant was really bad in the early days in the 60s i mean you you'd have gallant looking at a rabbit eating and just like oh how you know how precious look at the rabbit eating and then you'd have goofus go i think i can hit him with a rock so i mean oh my god is this why they're not in the magazine anymore no well they are but i mean this was the 60s they are but they've just different time they've just diluted it right they've just changed it yeah we've he's not we've evolved it to be a little bit i remember seeing a goofus and gallant where it's like gallant's being good and goofus says let's go throw rocks at those italians and you know what i mean and it's like hey you can't get away with that anymore we have to love everybody are they in every issue because i don't feel like i've seen him you're probably getting we have uh highlights and then we have one called high five which is for preschoolers that's probably the magazine yeah you're getting this sort of dumbed down that's my reading level yeah you should you should start subscribing also to highlights i should yeah it's just extra money but you do pretty good i think well i wanted to talk to you about that we can do it later i'm a hologram i'm not here i think you would be a really good highlights writer because you you think like a nine-year-old often yeah i will say that whenever i'm in a restaurant i'm like oh my god i'm gonna do this i'm gonna do this i'm gonna or any situation where there's like a little kid i mean like a toddler i go to town and work hard on making that kid laugh yeah i'm very proud of the fact that kids who don't know who i am they have they just see me as this tall strange looking woman i go i really work hard on making them giggle and try to break through i think that's the true test yeah yeah i think you would be a good writer you know who isn't good at that bill maher hey kid hey kid what else is going on over there kid i mean frankly i think that applies to all age ranges oh no you went too far you went too far you went too far that's not cool he's a very good satirist okay so let's move on yes no no i hired bill maher to entertain at a toddler's party once and it didn't go well he sat in a chair and he made them all feel like shit um and then we had to pay him $17,000 okay uh it's just all good time all comedians love each other that's not the point the point is it's highlights magazine and this is a big deal do you ever look through the magazine and think oh we yeah this was a mistake we this one doesn't work or this we tried to hide something in this picture and it didn't really work um we always look back you're always self-critical of what you do and go i could have done that better um what we don't want to do is is have something slip through i mean we we we analyze everything um to the nth degree we're like in the hidden pictures we call it the penis police we're always looking for phallic objects you know because those things inadvertently go through explain this i mean what do you mean inadvertently i found a couple wait a minute no a penis picture doesn't inadvertently go through does it no but they're drawings i think he's saying they could look like oh i'm saying if someone was drawing absolutely it could be like when you're looking at clouds and you often you're just looking up at clouds and you're like cock cock cock um that's me all the time that's me yeah i've only ever seen cocks what do you see when you see cocks. I see more cocks. Anyway. Highlights. Are you going to play this interview? Are you going to put a transcript and highlights? It should be. Can you find the transcript of this interview with Patrick? Oh, it's there. It's in the tomato patch. This is fascinating. So tell me, how does it, in the hidden picture thing, there are drawings and they tell you to find certain things? Yeah, but there's a drawing and then below is a row of things like a ruler, an envelope, and things like that, a magnet, and you have to find them hidden in the larger drawing. Yeah. No, I remember when I was a kid, but it was always Eisenhower. It was like every single time. It was a different time back then. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. Innocent time. But I have a question about the silly ones. Yeah. I get that there are things Can you describe what they are? Yeah, it's a big panoramic picture and you have to find what's silly in the picture. But I think I'm approaching this from too much of a logical adult's mind because there are, you know, like there'll be a fishbowl on a roller coaster or something like that, goldfish in a fishbowl. That's obviously silly. But also, these are all animals just living in this human world. Is that itself silly? I don't know how deep we're supposed to go silliness-wise. I've been trying to explain this to my daughter. And also, not to get too like Escher hand-drawing a hand, but you reading this magazine at your age is silly. My daughter wasn't even there. Yeah. I don't even have a daughter. We know. They took her. Yeah. No, you brought her in once and it was two balloons under a blanket. It was really sad. Yeah, that's a, so that's a good question is it opens up this mind-altering question of really what is silly. So if you put a hat on a horse, is that silly? Or are you denying a horse its basic, equine right to wear a hat? Exactly. So this opens up a lot of questions. We don't, we leave it absolutely open to interpretation on purpose because everyone finds something silly different. Every, it's silly to you and a Conan are going to be completely different than it is to Sona. I mean, everyone's going to find a different level of silliness. And to your point, when you look at that and you're like, but these are animals in a different, like anthropomorphic animals dancing or shopping, that's silly. It's silly in itself. So it's multi-layered. And to a child, that's not as silly as like, you know, a fishbowl car. You just want people having the conversation. It's a conversation starter. It's a party starter. You guys want to come to my party? But that's an interesting point you make is that one person's silly is another person's normal. And I've always had a very cartoonish mind. So a horse at a typewriter to me isn't that silly. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. But our, you know, whatever three, you know, three-part form of government, you know, executive, judicial, you know, to me, that's silly. That is funny though. A horse at a typewriter isn't altogether silly, but the minute he starts trying to type with those hooves, that's pretty silly because how's he going to get them in there? Yeah, but now that there's, you know, Siri and there's voice command and stuff, the horse can go like, oh, near sir. And that's not that silly. You know what I mean? But you're saved by the bell because for years and years you didn't have that delete. I know. I know. I have a question. Yeah. Is there, are there kids who work at Highlights who are like quality control? Oh, do you have a room where there's a bunch of kids? We actually test things with kids. Absolutely. We run ideas through them. Our March issue is completely inspired by kids. It's like the kids take over issue. So they're constantly sending us recipes and craft ideas and then we'll take their idea and then riff off of it. They'll send a, like a pizza idea and then we'll just build on that. You know how you, you feature photos of kids that have sent in their crafts and stuff like, do you take submissions from 53 year old men? Okay. All right. Let's move on. A lot of times, you know, Matt, if you want to get in the magazine, you've got to be with your daughter. Sometimes we'll have parents and kids. I'm telling you, it's two balloons and a blanket. Right. That's my craft. Yeah, I know. And you're still getting the preschool version. So what other magazines have you worked on? It says here, but just before this, you worked on Maxim magazine. Wow. I've worked, no, I've worked on boating, parenting. Okay. Windsurfing. Yeah. There's a windsurfing magazine? A whole magazine devoted to windsurfing. Yeah. Used to be. Yeah. But does boating, like so adjacent to windsurfing, is it the same people like you're in their circle and then you just like move, is it a lateral move? What am I asking? I don't know. As I'm a professional, I know that much. He made a bet on Kalshi that he could make this interview go for 44 minutes exactly and he put his whole house on it. Is it a lateral move? What does that mean? I'm just curious. Isn't a windsurfing craft also in a way a boat? Extrapolate for 27 minutes and 35 seconds. Well, also, what was the third one you did boating, windsurfing, and what? Maxim magazine. Parenting. Parenting. All gerunds. All ending in ing. Is there some connection there? Do the math. You're so, you are bringing high heat today, Matt. High heat. This is what happens when you call us in at 3 p.m. Guess what? My Kalshi bet was he says gerunds and I, I just made $700,000. Oh, jeez. Um, yeah, but, uh, it must be really fun to watch kids paging through the magazine and having a good time. That must be very satisfying. Oh, yeah. And they're completely honest and open. Um, hearing them talk about the magazine, they'll always kind of, they'll give you their honest feedback, good or bad. Oh, yeah. And then as they're giving, giving you bad feedback, they'll kind of start feeling bad about being critical and then they'll sugarcoat the bad sometimes. That's great. Yeah. So it's really sweet. Do you have kids? I do. They're older. Yeah. I, like Conan's joke, they're, you know, 35. Yeah. Late 30s. Now, Sona, you have, uh, two beautiful, uh, boys and I should know I'm their godfather. Yeah. Um, Mikey and Charlie, you should know. Yeah, I should know. Um, do they, um, do they enjoy this magazine? Yeah. Well, anytime we go to the pediatrician and I will subscribe now, uh, they, they, it's an, it's a really great thing for them to leaf through. They really love it. There's always something about the visuals for highlights that grab people. Do they, I mean, you're, they're, they're great kids in a lot of ways. Okay. In a lot of ways, but they're kind of rambunctious. Yeah. Um, will they sit there and page through it or will they like look through a page or two and then light something on fire? Uh, the second one. Yeah. Okay. They'll leaf through it for a little bit and then they'll like, you know, they'll see something they can break and they'll say, okay, let's, time to break that. Break it up. Smash it up. They, they smash stuff and then they high five each other. It's incredible. They chest bump too sometimes. Chest bump, yeah. I don't know who taught them that. And then they get into a little 1958 Chevy and they drive around the block and they knock over a liquor store. Picking fights with some socias. Um, I'm going to ask you quickly about this because I know this will touch Gurley's fancy or Tickle's fancy. Uh, you like to go to, um, you like antiquing first of all, right? You like to, what are some special finds that you've discovered antiquing? Uh, we have a side table that was a work bench from a barn in the middle of Pennsylvania. It's like eight feet long and it's, weighs 800 pounds and it's completely almost destroyed. You've used, uh, we have like a, our coffee table is an old mining cart. Whoa, that sounds cool. I like that one. Yeah. We've got like a nice little secretary back there or something. What is that piece? Yes, secretary says. We call them assistants now. sorry, you're executive assistant. I'm sorry. You're fine rosewood executive assistant. She's a cute little number back there. Yeah, what is she taking on her notes or something? No, I know what a secretary really is. I was just doing a little bit of a bit there. I didn't, I learned something new today. No. Yeah. And you're an assistant. Um, uh, I've always had a dream that I will find, an amazing vintage 1950s electric guitar, like a, like a Gretsch 1957 roundup, uh, with all the special cowboy tooling or something. And then it'll have a sign, a tag on it that says $1. Oh yeah. And whenever I imagine that, I know me and I know that I would go to the person, the little old lady and say, you know, this is worth a lot more than $1. Oh, I thought you were going to say you're going to try to talk her down. No, I'd say it's worth a lot more and she'd say, thank you for being honest and this is worth a lot more and this is worth a lot more and then I'd come back a few hours later and murder her. Murder. Yeah, yeah. You like that part, huh? Yeah, I find that. okay, yeah. Chest bump. Well, you live in a great part of the country for antiquing because you're in the middle of Pennsylvania, you know? Oh yeah. There's a ton of antique stores. A lot of hidden ones off the beaten path and we just kind of take weekend road trips and explore the state and go into these random places that are sometimes extremely, scary and you don't know if you're going into like a basement of an old factory and you can duck around pipes and stuff and you're just gonna find the most weird random things in these places. You're going to go missing in about a year. Yeah. Oh, yeah. FBI is going to ask for this tape. I know. To study your voice patterns, look for any clues in the background, look for any clues in Highlight Magazine. I don't know. He came in here and he purchased a bloody, rusty hook. No, he put secret messages in the little, you know, hidden messages. He put secret messages about where he was going to go. In Highlights? Yeah, in Highlights. Oh, wow. Because whoever captures him, it'll be like Misery. He'll still be making the Highlights Magazine in captivity. So it's a huge fan of Highlights. Huge fan of Highlights. That grew up. Captures Patrick. Lures him into the basement by saying, yeah, I have a, you know, I have an old gynecological bench from 1880. You've got to see it. It could make a great coffee maker. I'll take a look. Boink, knockout. Chain to a wall. You're going to write those highlights. You're going to do it my way, is he? Yeah. Patrick, I apologize. Yeah. This was a huge waste of your time. But you seem like a lovely fellow. And you seem to give a really nice life. You're doing something that's really constructive and positive. And you're enjoying yourself. Everybody knows Highlights. Everybody. When did it start? What year? 1946. Yeah. It's 80 years old. Yeah. Wow. 80. Okay. Okay. See, I'm not alone. No, there was a whole. I think there was 10 years where it was all find the communist in this drawing. I wish. Yeah. Oh, my God. Find the communist. There he is. Oh, he's a screenwriter. Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah. He'll never work again. Circle the people who will never work again. Oh, that would be amazing. Yep. Yep. No. And Reagan was like, well, I like that idea. Well, well. This is a spot to name names. Send it in. Let's play a game called name names. Yeah. Oh, there's a little thing you tear out. Name names. Name names. If your parents have been up to anything. Send it in. Here's a little maze to see if you can cross the death strip from East Berlin into West Berlin. Yeah. Can you connect? How do you get from East to West? There's a steam tunnel right here. Take a bicycle. Patrick, we took a beautiful magazine and we just turned it into a terrible 50s propaganda. But that's what we do. It was very nice talking to you. And I hope our paths cross one day in the great beyond. I don't know why I made it after death. What are you talking about? I don't know. I'm very dark today. Well, we all fucked this one up. You know what? I think it's going to, you're going to watch, look at the comments and they're going to say, this is not my favorite, but it was pretty good. I think this one's great. I think it's a great, this is a great one. This is a great one, Patrick. And I know because I listened to every episode after we do it. I'm all over these things. And I noticed little editing mistakes that Gourley makes. And then I call in and he corrects them. That's true. Patrick, thank you. Thank you for talking to us. Thank you. So, yeah, it was a pleasure. It's an honor. I'm a huge fan. And thank you very much. Hey, thank you. This was fun. Thanks, Patrick. Bye-bye. Conan O'Brien needs a fan. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Supervising producer, Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samuel. Associate producers, Sean Doherty and Lisa Byrne. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are down.