Feeling like a monkey head in a piranha tank

What's happening beautiful people? Uncle Joey here with Bruce Lee Jr. Kato, and it's the church of what's happening now. New Testament January the 19th. What's up dog? It's almost your birthday. That's a month away, but who cares about my birthday? I'm not even thinking about my fucking birthday right now. The reason why we're in the voodoo lounge and not in the back cave today is because I fucked up my knee and I won't know what's going on till Wednesday. I couldn't go to Austin this week. I couldn't do shit. I couldn't do, uh, are you garbage? Are you garbage? So I'm very sorry, but the fucking knee just popped out again. I was going to tell people that we got remember when we got kicked out of that first office because because of the leap of his bars. I was screaming. Yeah. And they kept it. I thought I was going to say that we got kicked out of that office. They smelled the weed. No, they don't give a shit in this office. Nobody gives a shit. L.A. They cared a lot. We got up. We they threw away our bongs in L.A. Do you remember that? We got so high left them in the bathroom. They threw away bongs, but that was a very rare fucking place. I just something. He sent me that video, which one of the ladies bang on the door and will I shut the fuck off? Yeah. I smell marijuana. You can't because we there was not even a window in that office. No, there was a move. It was a table and four chairs. That was it. Dude, because I think they made it like they cut two offices and they took one office. They made it into two because like they had, I didn't notice back then, but they only had like the intake for the air conditioning. They didn't have the out like the air coming out. So they just put up a, it's like when they said they have a junior one bedroom and they just put up a fake wall. Yeah. They were like cardboard. No dog. I went to look at an office in North, North Hollywood by that barbecue place. Yeah. With that barbecue place inside. And I went there and it had a bean on the valley dog in August. Woo. I mean, it was a hundred like, yeah, it's always like a hundred that second week of September. And I probably went like in August to look at this place. And I walked in there and the walls weren't even up. It was aluminum. Okay. Like insulation and the heat was bouncing off the insulation. I wasn't in there three minutes and I was sweating everywhere. And I'm like, is there a condition? She's like, no, we don't have it. I go, how are you going to do a podcast? She's like, what's a podcast? That's my fault. She thought we were going to have like, we need an office to put boxes, maybe a shower or something. I don't even know what it was. Yeah. It was fucking crazy, man. It was, but see anybody could get an office. You want to get an office that reflects what the fuck you're doing exactly what we're doing up there. Yeah. That office thanks to George and reflects what we're doing on a daily basis. But that's why we needed something that we had on outside. Yeah. So we could smoke weed and just play music. Well, whatever the fuck it is. You know, I would choose an office, but the problem with a fucking office is that nobody works at night until you get the podcast. That everybody works at night. Now you can't play music. Now you can't fucking, you know. So it's just, there was a couple creepy things. Do you remember the last office? There was like a producer whom I think he just, because we kept doing videos outside. There was just a guy who just, I think found out where we were recording and got the office next to us. There were a couple creepy things. They gave me up like four years. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I got an idea. That's great. 2,200 miles away. You know, you got a fucking idea now. We were next to you for a year. And he would just watch us. Yeah. The lady who was stealing our bonds with the cute black lady. Oh, yeah. The two cute ladies that did some, they were, they were gone after like, fucking a month that we were there. They were gone. We came one day and they disappeared. Yeah. They were gone. I don't even know. That was the creepiest, that whole area was fucking scary. And I can't believe you were falling asleep there at night with the door open in the lights on. What do you mean you can't believe? You gave me hundreds and thousands of milligrams. And then I would wait because like everyone, for everyone who was watching and doesn't, every other podcast in the country, they record a bunch and then it goes out like two weeks later, the week later, we would get done recording at like 11 talk till midnight. And then you and the guests would leave. And I would just somehow fucked up, put up the podcast, but there were a few times where I would just, I like shock wake up. I wouldn't go to, I never once slept on the couch. I never just was like, all right, let's go to the couch and get like, I would just fall asleep, shoes, it's fucked up, sleeping with your shoes on. I would be sitting up, fucked up, sleep on the chair. Never mind the shoes, the shoes in the last fucking thing you got. That's the last problem on your fucking mind. Oh my God. Thank God there was a gate, a fucked up gate. I still to this day don't know how fucking own Benjamin got out of that gate. You left with a door. Oh, he did. I know I have you watched the video back. I think I hear the gig, like it clicks. That was a fucked up thing. Oh, dude, by the way, because I don't know if you've seen it. Have you seen on Instagram where people are like, Oh, this is me in 2016. This is me in 2016. That was 2016 when we got that office. I went through my phone to go find what was I doing in 2016. That was 2016. Was that what that whole thing about was on the internet for the last week? I don't know where it came from. What I was doing 2006. I don't even know. I couldn't tell you what I was doing in 2016. I tell you what I was doing in 2006. What the fuck was that for 2016? That's the weirdest thing. I don't know what they call it. I know people say you're short-sighted or long-sighted. I remember shit from when I'm five. Right. But even when I wrote the book after 2014, okay, I don't have a fucking memory. Like you were telling me some shit the other day about the bad flavors world. I don't even know what he's talking about. I got to be honest. I'm the same way. I don't remember nothing. I remember bits and pieces of like some kid came up to me a day and asked me, hey, I didn't know you had somebody on your podcast and I'm like, yeah, we did. Holy fuck, I forgot about that. You think I forgot all that shit. Dude, at least you remember then, I can't tell you how many people would come into the studio. I would go to shake the hey, nice to me. This is my third time on the show. I was like, I'm sure whatever you say. Because by the time they got there, I was fucked up. Yeah, it would have happened. Does Terry say you do that? Because all the time, I'll be talking and an issue. I'll be like, oh, and she'll be like, we talked about this. I'm on the go. We were talking. I was like, I don't have zero memory. I've given my wife 30,000 a beat. Only her in George have sustained more a beat. After a while, you got to tell the same story. Eventually, somewhere. And some people are very smart. Like, Nicole, go, you told me that. You know, yeah, that's what regal smack that dude. I'm fucking laughing. You know, the other night something happened to me that I watched something interesting. And it's basically this. You know, I always thought, ah, you got to keep learning. You know, you learn every day. Something happens that you learn something about your car, somebody in neighborhood that you never knew before. But sometimes you learn shit about yourself. You know, like, and it's so weird that you don't, when you stop learning about yourself is when you'll die like two weeks later. You just go, I ain't learning nothing. And you start learning about yourself and the things that, you know, what are we talking about? Something happened to you. I'm not sure. You figure it's going on. You know, I'm watching a fucking stupid movie here. You know, with my wife, not a bad movie. And there's a scene and the reporter goes into the bar. And they're like, hey, mother fucker, you wrote an article about this. And it was like an old school north bergen, like an old school blue column. And when the guy walked in and sat the bar, the bartender told him, he goes, if I was you, this is not a good night for you. But he's like, no, I want to address the issues here. And they started arguing and they were like, hey, you wrote a story about a town. This is some of that town's about. And they started beating on the guy in the bar. And then they threw him on that side. And they just started kicking like 12 guys. They kicked him in the blinching. And a dog, if fucking didn't piss me off. It just made me realize who I was at the age of 21. I was going to say to make you nostalgic. I feel like you like a bar fight. That wasn't a bar fight. Okay. That's not a bar fight. That's 12 kids just chasing somebody. Just they got a wall buck up their ass. And I kept thinking about no skiing on bergen line. Oh, shit. I forgot about that story. I could end it. Like we got over there. We will hold them back. Rago, but everybody else was kicking the guy. And the guy's like, fucking upside down. The Hudson County Park has a street that you drive into it. And on the side, they have two like pillars. And I'll never forget that the snow was higher than the pillars. And when they got done with that guy, they put them head first into the snow thing. And all you saw was legs. And I'm like, You know, if the 30 fucking years I thought that story was how loud until I saw it the other day and I'm like What the fuck was I thinking and I thought about that situation that night? Like what was going on our world and I'm like when you see that it's 12 young guys kind of a main game late Six of them ain't got no job and the other four of them were just pissed off at the world because life didn't work out How they expect them to like somebody of their best friends father's a doctor so they fly to Japan This kid you have to go to fucking Seaside heights, you know, that's your big vacation and you have like this Yeah, you know like this inside like I just saw it. I'm like, oh my god. That's me. I'm like, oh shit I only did that once would jump around and I was really born regal off the guy and laughing because he kept saying no skin on I'm having which is the same school of thought. I'm from you know I'm saying you want to mountains, but you look at that stuff and you're like you just see a bunch of you know People's lives on working out so they're taking on this poor bastard Look a few good kicks and you feel good about yourself when you go back in the body like yeah, I was great I think I broke his rib, you know But I was thinking about like I know I got a couple of hate emails About my opinion last week on the Minneapolis situation and that was then See guys don't know me that was then Okay, and it's like I was telling our dear friend on the phone. I go That manslaughter or whatever we thought it was was what it was But now what's going on is fucking pathetic and it's pathetic I'm the fucking people protesting Because now it's like a cool now they deserve to get beat up a little bit You know what I'm saying like you understand why I don't see things in black and white like most people I see things for real I see things for real like this is real time here Now they they become stupid because listen. I've said it once and it's a joke, but it's true There's no future in protest, you end up in the hospital. That's your future. That's what they then you walk around at parties Yeah, they beat him up at the ball. He's a hero He ain't no hero. He's a fucking idiot That's ice that beat they just shot somebody. I think it's your turn to go home Once the gun can I can see they hit you in the head with a bottle. Okay, I think my chance is I'll wear fucking helmet But the fucking you know now still stay on the streets and what's gonna happen is and this is gonna be fucking tremendous Is that they're gonna call in those troops? Those fucking airborne unit that's waiting on call they're gonna parachute onto the streets of Fucking can you imagine those liberals like out there? We want milk or whatever the fuck? And all of a sudden you're You look up. It's like a apocalypse now and people are jumping out on ropes. Oh my god. Oh my god white people look like black people don't like fire Yeah, you know that black people don't like I had no idea. They don't know you ever see a black person. There's a fire They've seen the black fire fighters not really black people traditionally don't like fires white people don't like helicopters People coming out with ropes and we shake up, okay How you must be like if you if that happened and you were protesting For that say until they landed on you'd be pretty pissed off that you were protesting Well, let's look at it again Are we protesting for our friends to be cool and to be part of a group? Well, we protesting for real that they did something to a friend of mine and I got a fucking AK 47 and I'm gonna shoot a motherfucker. What do you think it's like 50-50? No, but there was a guy out there today with some gun in front of his house and I'm like really? Yeah, you're just a you're just It's a magnet. Yeah, a gun is a magnet. They're gonna come at you with other guns So I don't understand it, but she like now. It's got not a control now. We, you know, we got the fucking parades We got thick and it's all the same people a bunch of people were confused with a chubby white chick with a shaved head The chubby white chick is always the leader Some lesbian who's not only a lesbian. She's a fucking Kansas survivor. She had diabetic at her left foot, you know This shit don't stop. They have a thousand things to get the fucking Dude you'd keep doing this to me the front like the last one is I'm now I'm gonna see every protest and see a chubby chick with a shaved head Always my favorite is when I forget it was a joke you had or maybe it was on a podcast He said the chubby chick who turns her hair blue to throw you off so you don't know that he's chubby And then all the time that's all I see dog anytime somebody gets chubby like I land this we chop me They're like, you know what I'm gonna take the stress off my stomach I'm like that blue hair with a volcano on the top of my head and that'll throw people off thought they won't say to me Hey, you gained weight. They'll look at you and say we love the coloring. Yeah Yeah, so you're gonna fuck me that so boy. It's like having a it's like a white kid that has a black dad, right? That's not gonna that they'll go over well for a few years But for years you got a supermarket. You can't what they tell you the mom. He's got beautiful hair But you were you were saying that like it made you that movie made you like look back and like differently at it At the story back at you know you look at that for years. We've been giggle about it and I looked at him like that Fuckin funny It wasn't because I let me see who the fuck I was at that time of my life I just thought I wrote it off to being young and stupid It was being young not having a fucking life Being angry about the cards dealt to me. It's a thousand different fucking things Yeah, but I think you also I don't know I feel like you've been pretty open then all the whole podcast I mean, yeah, you're a comedian and you try to make the stories funny But you were never like you guys should do what I did you guys should beat up as I'll scare or like, you know You were just telling you stories No, we're just crazy. It was just craziness. Look some man when you think about those stories You forgive yourself and then you got to say well, thank God that is I did Thank God that somebody had him in the head one of those skis The guys are retard in the chair now. We all got to do it. He is You know for fucking hitting some guy in the head. Yeah, well, thank God. They're no cameras. That shit happens too, you know where you know fucking something What was it when you? Somebody dies during the felony you get charge of murder. Yeah, fuck yeah, right. So it's the same thing like you went out to have a good time And all of a sudden fucking some of these iPops out, but didn't even like I heard like Bouncer's and not not that I would ever be a bouncer, but when I was a kid I heard this story and this was why in my head I was never a bouncer not cuz I'm fucking short and chubby, but like a bouncer or if you get into like a fight at a bar And just randomly punch somebody or they punch you and you punch them back they hit their head and they die You're going to jail you know jail. You're going to fucking jail. It's It's really amazing. That's why when I go into a place and I see a bouncer. Yeah, first thing I ask myself is what can he possibly get? How much money can he possibly be getting To work a Saturday at a fucking C-side club bar One of you know, maybe 120 a shift To fucking put yourself in that risk of because yeah, most nights nothing happens Right, but they could be that one night guys Indian he's been drinking general day He comes in different Indian and he wants to shoot an arrow. You're fucking Deal with that. I mean, what are you gonna do? Was it work to pay check? Dude, I heard that the armored truck like the bank delivery drivers get like 15 an hour like 20 an hour Maybe I don't know. Maybe I'll look it up. I made and this was years ago. Would you take that job no? Still no, I know it's not much 25 delivery abdominals. I know it's really not much. It's like surprise Fucking guard We'll have to look it up during the break. I thought fucking guard. There's got to be listen. You're not making 300,000 a year But you're getting 151 70 180 plus benefits You get union you get a fucking will you get vision, you know According to Google. It's like 21 an hour. No armored truck. Yeah. No fucking way, man That's for like a port of weekend armored truck. That's like for two guys to say their security and eight No, man Fucking what are you ps drivers? They make hundred plus they make a lot and they don't have a gun Yeah, no dude. This is why blew my mind is who wouldn't want to be I don't fucking get it. I don't get it. Oh my god. I wouldn't listen You have a certain a certain type of security job This is security job where it was guys that wanted to be cops Couldn't climb the ladder They couldn't fucking shoot the 22 targets. They're like Stallone and Kaplan. (laughing) They were death and money, you know. So they get those little security guards, then they get attitude. - Right. - You know, it's like they get attitude. And then you get guys like, listen, it's just a job. I'm not gonna shoot nobody. I ain't gonna arrest nobody. I ain't gonna, no shoplifting. I don't give a fuck. - Right. - It's just a job so things don't get out of hand. - Now, we grew up with somebody. We used to run security at bars. I do know this for a fact. He used to, like a bar would open up, like a club. He would come in and go, I'm gonna do security here. I'm gonna bring my own people. Those guys will make a 4.50 a night. And I was 30 years ago. - Wow. That's, were they like ex-Army or something? - The Hoboken. - Yeah. That's where the Hoboken on a club, they were all professional security and they were getting 4.50 a ship. Like eight to two, eight to three, whatever. - That's fantastic. - Again, but it's a club. It's, instead of being a bar where you have one fight that could turn into three, that could be four different fights. - No, that sounds, I couldn't imagine, I would, the first fight, I would just quit. I would just walk away. Like never in my, never in my life. It used to blow my mind when I was a kid. Like let me ask you this. When you watch like an action movie and like there's the bad guy and they have like the henchman that just like are there like hired, whatever. It always blew, like I was like, who would sign up to get, to have to almost get murdered? Like are there people who actually do that? Like are there criminals who are just like the soldiers or whatever? And like I can't imagine they make enough money to do so. - When I first moved to Aspen in '83, I was a little, I moved to Snowmass and I was walking around one day and I started talking to this white dude, not a swimming white dude. - Yeah, yeah, you don't know, you're from Germany, yeah, I heard the accent. Oh shit, yeah, you're friends with this guy, we just started talking. Like I'm saying, I mean, do you work and he goes, yeah, I own a bodyguard school. In Aspen, well, he goes, yeah, come to the office and check it out. And so I went up there one day and it was very interesting, it was a course, it was a, yeah, there was a six week course, like two weeks, security, two weeks, maritime, like if you have to protect your people on the beach, on the ocean, on a boat, and two other weeks. And then he's like, I could get you into the next rotation or training, since you're a neighbor, I'll get you 50% off 'cause people fly into the ship. Well, okay, people can walk over the world. He was having like six sessions a year. I forget what it was. It was, you know, 7,000 back then or something for the full course, but you had guaranteed lifetime placement. When I thought about it, I was like, man, I was in shape then, I was young, I had no family. That's the perfect people who signed up for that. They have no emotional connection, they have nothing. You know, you have to be on that guy. And then I started thinking about it. I'm like, so I'm getting shot at. I gotta stand in front of a motherfucker. I have to tell this guy is a drug dealer, a politician, a fucking criminal, at all levels, they deserve to get shot. Then what's one? All three of them, like a politician, a fucking criminal, a gangster, a big cartel guy. They're the ones that are going to have big time security. - Yeah. - So it's not like, if I was going to secure somebody, I'd secure a guy that was CEO of a company. The guy got shot in New York by Angelini, the Italian guy. Like whatever his fucking name is. I don't know what his fucking name is. It's got Galini and Angelini. You know, you're messing me up now. But anyways, you go. - You follow him? - Yeah, it's going to be somebody less dangerous. I'm going to go fucking and be a bodyguard for a criminal or some fucking tremendously rich kid, who's never done anything. And I'm going to stand there like a tough guy with sunglasses on and attacked him over a dragon and just stand there and be the mean guy. I don't see it. And then somehow's doing on me. 'Cause I ain't that stupid, even at that age. All right, you're a fucking, everybody in this room saw a man on fire. - Yeah, I was just thinking about me. - Okay. I come up to your fucking thing. I forgot what I was going to tell you. And like, you figured something out about being a security? - Yeah. - So I take this six week course, right? And I come see George who's got a multi-million dollar vitamin compilation. Somebody keeps threatening. And George fucking high is me. Well, maybe not. He looks at my resume and goes, "Joey, you're everything. I wanted your handsome, your articulate, you speak well." You know, whatever. And this is all lies. I'm just thinking. - Right, well. But then a guy comes in who went to Vietnam. Oh, you want him? You follow me? So that's why. Yeah, but there's also levels of it. 'Cause like I was just thinking about like. - Fuck you. Me being on a boat with six other white guys, with guys with targets shooting at me and boop-oop. Like it blows up over your bed, huh? That's one thing. But being a combat fucking soldier, that's a complete other game. And those Vietnam motherfuckers, that they weren't all there. They were shooting, but buying you over there, they were doing a ton of shit, smoking dope. They became fucking killers. - Those must be the best security guards. - Well, that's what I'm saying. So who would you hire? Some good looking, you ever see John Wick? - Yeah, for everybody's good looking. (laughing) - I never said I was only good looking agents and my, even the chicks were fucking stunning. - Yeah. - They're a deaf girl and like two or three, I forget what it was. - Yeah, they're all fucking bond girls. And they all want to be fucking, you know, whatever. And all those guys are good looking. Those are the guys you get when you go to a bodyguard school. You know what I'm saying? Handsome guys, all I'm gonna get. We'll see. You know, but I want a guy to show up with a missing eye. 'Cause you know, he survived? - A prosthetic leg. Impin' in like you can't be around magnets. (laughing) A type of shit. That's a type of guy I want. Oh yeah. I don't, you know, and that's, that's just common sense, guys. That's why, you know, George is a framer. I'm sure in San Francisco or somewhere, there's a framing university where you go to for three months and you're a certified framer, whatever the fuck that means. And this guy will go there for three months and come to George and guess what? George will be after we train him. - Oh, of course. - It'll be another two years. - Fuck yeah, but I mean, that's anything. - So that's how we store about those things. Practical experience. It's like why the reason I never ran a stand-up class. 'Cause I don't want practical people. I don't want, there's a stand-up class that I would teach and then I would teach a public speaking class. Two different fucking things. Stand-up comedy class and public speaking, two different fucking things. But eventually, you don't have to get up on stage, which is what we all fear, you know, whether you go to Jiu-Jitsu, they drill with you, you do all this shit. When that guy comes up to you and says, "Let's hit Knuckles, we're gonna wrestle." You forget everything. - Right. - That, 'cause I was thinking about secret service. 'Cause like a security guard, you're supposed to protect them, but if people start shooting, some of them are gonna lose. - Well, security guard part of it, you gotta be a boy scout. - Right. - You know, you see the president, you really actually, you know, like, boom, boom, boom. It's like, you know, people who will see the mayor of a town. - They go fucking insane. - Mr. Mayor, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. - What are you talking about? This guy's a bum, right? - This guy's a bum, right? - The councilman. - The last month of the fucking bar. And now you're like, Mr. Mayor. Come on, come on, come on, come on. I'm gonna put you with the mayor of the town. - Oh, what the fuck in the mayor? - Come to me when you're a fucking senator. Up. (laughs) In the mayor, where are you, where the fuck? You know, right. So it's the same kind of shit. That's why I never really wanted to train and something. That's why I'm really proud of you, me, Becky, Pedro, because which stand-up comedy, it's not about schools or contests. It's about being in the field. - Yeah, but did you ever wish there was some sort of like, degree or just something to like get all, 'cause there's a lot of people who are doing it who shouldn't be doing it. - Doing what? - Stand up. - Oh, it's an art. Everybody has a different form of fucking expression. So I can never knock somebody, because I don't know where they're going with that. I don't know when they're going with that, but you ever watch somebody who you don't know when they're going with that, but you're like, that motherfucker's going with them. - Yeah, there's a ton of great stand-ups. - So same thing. That's why I was against the improv schools in that way. - Okay. 'Cause those kids come from a weak background as it is, and they go there and there's a bunch of guys that really failed. Well, I auditioned for so many times. - When you come to me this morning. (laughs) - Thank you. - Yomsang. - Come to me when you don't four years on the show. You know the ends of that. Even if you failed, nobody's gonna look at you like that. You made it to the end of your life, just 'cause you got thrown off or whatever. - Even just your time to leave. - They weren't writing sketches for you, but I didn't like that about that. That you took somebody, you know, cold. They in college, they decided to watch some of that. - Well, we love Marcelo, and I think I'm gonna become a comedian. I think I'm gonna, they go to dad, dad, listen, I know I'm a microbiologist, but when I get out of college, I really wanna go to him problem for a year. Jesus, we had plans for you. - Yeah, we had plans for you, son. - I wanna be a comic, a fucking comic. - Okay, you won. I'll give you a credit card, a salary, a card. For one year, you have one year to prove your point. And these kids will go to LA or New York and just give them money. Where these classes that reading and stand up, movement and stand up, and this is all shit. You're gonna learn within six months, if you get on stage for one night's a week. - Yeah. - It's the people got on stage twice a week that go off slide up a breathing for stand up. - Gugging, right, there's no breathing. - I took one class in LA to finish a commercial acting class, and the teacher was the most depressed person. Like the entire class, like half the class was just him, like kind of complaining about LA. And just like the saddest person. And it was just, I remember it was like five or six Saturdays for eight hours. And it was the longest, it was like drivers at. - Since I moved to Jersey, I've been getting hit up. - What the, five years. People go, hey man, I've been doing comedy for two years. I don't know if you work with people. I'm like, man, that'd be interesting. - I don't know. I would like, it's taking that money. And I've seen, first off, I don't have the right credentials. - There's no credentials. - That's the problem. - But actually you do have credentials. - So you get mad if you go to some guy who complains about fucking LA because they don't have credentials. They book three commercials. And what is their advertising for the class gonna say? Worked in over a hundred commercials and television promos. Show 'em to me, motherfucker. - Well, that's a thing. 'Cause I've seen classes taught by people. And I, like just because I know you, I'll be like, hey, who is this guy? This guy is the worst comic I've ever seen. You have the comedy store, you have your specials, you have other people vouching for you. Like that's, I have 35 years of experience. - Right, but that's a thing. There's people who have 35, 'cause I just started standup. I was doing open mics. I see these ads for standup classes. And it's people like who now I know are terrible. But when you're first starting out, someone could be like a really good schmooser or have one TV cry to it. And you think, you're like, hey, for 300 bucks, they can't be like, and you don't know that you're getting fucked over. 'Cause there's a lot of bad comics teach classes. - Well, here's the other end of this. I'm protecting you on this. - Okay. - The expectation of taking a class. Now, I signed up for original class to do standup. I'd see you Boulder, which was 33 bucks. And then in '93, I signed up at the New York comedy club for an eight-week course. And I learned, and now when I went in there is the problem. When I went in there, I know that if I get one thing out of it, one thing, don't put the basketball down. This season, you shoot great. I love your dribbling. I love your mind. But, George, you keep putting the basketball down after you get a rebound. We're gonna work on that. That one thing, because I know that one thing will make you that much better. Yeah, palm with people as expectations. I'm gonna go learn from Joe Rogan. Take an eight-week course, and I'll be fucking a millionaire. And tag is, you know, Phil Jackson, when I was a kid, every time they put Phil Jackson in there, when I was a kid, I'd turn the TV off at night. Whenever the next one loses it, they put Phil Jackson in there. I would turn the TV off. I'd be on the phone with other people. Why the hell don't I go? - The game is over. - Good night. We lost 25 bucks, like, while 50 was split in five times, or less, or five time bets. He ended up becoming one of the greatest coaches of all time. Six championships. Yeah, I don't even know, don't quote me on that. - That's fair, they could know how to do it. You know, me, I like what the unions do. If you're a plumbing apprentice, you're gonna work five days a week, and you're gonna go to class three nights a week. Yeah, and every week, you're gonna work on some of that class, a fucking sweat and a pipe, big and a fucking hole, whatever it is. But in the daytime, you're using that in practical terms. You're still saying, yeah. - So I could grow with you, you know what I'm saying? Most stand up classes do a fucking weird format, because they do come to class. I'm gonna talk for eight weeks, and then you're gonna go up on stage for three minutes. - I think you're supposed to do open mics, I would hope. - No, no. - You're definitely supposed to do open mics. But that's nobody's gonna walk into the garden at first time. - No, no, no, I mean, for the class, I meant until the guys part of their homework. But like, what I was gonna say, 'cause something that I still watching, I haven't watched in a couple of years, and I need to watch again. George and I were driving down, and we were talking about Ralphie for a while. Ralphie did one of the coolest, it was like two hours. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And that's just, it wasn't so much, he didn't take questions. - You know what? - That I really don't want. - Who's that? - Arisha Finn. - Did he? - I don't like it. - Did he? - Oh, did he record it? - Yeah, I think he recorded it. - I'm gonna have to go find that, because I love Ralphie, so I'm sure Arisha's great. But that's, 'cause it's different. If you're just doing like a, it's almost like sort of like a TED talk, or you wanna call it a podcast, call it a podcast. But like, then it's just your opinion, and there's certain things about, like I'll never forget. And then it's not, I don't drink beer. But like when I go to comedy clubs, I usually don't, I'll order a diet coke. That's usually what I order tops, 'cause Ralphie explained it. He's like, if you're making a hundred bucks, and you eat 25, 50 bucks worth of whatever, then you're much more expensive, they won't have you back. And who knows, the managers probably don't even care, but they might care at one place. Like there's just that, it's one of the coolest, and you could do a great one, I think, of that. I've just like a two hour talk, right? Like just. - I would love to do one. I would love to sit down. But I'd also like to practice at first. I'd like to practice what I preach with you and Becky, and Pedro, and Hector, and just to see. That's why I wanted to do some at the Dojo on the Tuesday nights, where it's like, we watch Bill Hicks, we can talk about 'em, what we like, what we didn't like, explain some of the jokes, how he broken down, and then go up there and do it. Show 'em the dice thing, and then show 'em Bill Hicks, and how Bill Hicks built the set, little by little. - And like try to have them. - No, these jokes are hockey, even Dyson set was hockey. He's a 35 fucking years ago. - But it wasn't hockey back then. - No, but now you say one of those jokes and people look at you. - Yeah, but it's re-fucking heads. - Like when we were watching that, we were watching for people listening. We were watching to the young comedian special, Rodney's thing on HBO. So if you put in Hicks, Sam Knesson, or Dice, it'll all pop. We just watched it. And like what I would, 'cause I'd love to do that with you. And I think like, even though I don't think I've ever yelled in a joke ever, 'cause you've been talking to me about using your volume in different ways. And I'm starting to do it a little bit, but I've never screamed really. And I almost want to just be like, you tell me, like, you have to scream this time. - Well, that's the most powerful thing. Sometimes it's a scream and sometimes it's a whisper. - Yeah, a whispering too. - Whisper or yell. A whisper or yell could be a push line. And now you're tripping. But you want a state to want. So blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then I took her upstairs and gave her a good dick. (laughing) - The farm's ain't here. - Yeah, yeah. - So now they gotta listen. - Yeah. - Now you're testing them to fucking listen. You follow me, or I took her, I switched it. I whisper the setup. The yell of a push line. And now you're getting into a rhythm. They feel that rhythm. And now they're programmable monkeys. They're just gonna be laughing every time you touch it here, every time you laugh, every time you're a stomach. Listen, I could tell 20 jokes in the world. None of 'em got a big laugh is when I laugh. I wanted to joke. - Oh yeah, it's great. You have that. - How about that? Did you see Kettison doing that? - Yeah. - Because when you laugh after your joke, that means you don't give a fuck. - You're telling me that you don't give a fuck if I laugh. You laugh, and that's the most important thing. And that's a complete listen. The first 10 years of stand up are basically basics. You learn how to tell a joke, you go to Chicago, this guy doesn't pay your check. The next 20 years is, now you know what you're doing, you're a purple belt. You know what you're doing, but you still run into slags once in a while. And somebody told me this, by the 20-year mark, you start studying it. Now you're studying this shit. At the 20-year mark, I got hooked on singers. I would watch singers to watch their breathing and how, because a singer is the conduit of the band. -Right, correct? -Mm-hmm. So what is he doing to connect with the audience? Right. I want to learn how to connect. You don't think about that when you're doing comedy two years. Dude, you're just thinking about going to the bar and getting your dicks up and getting the two free cocktails. That would be nice. But this is happening my whole life. When I first started stand up, you guys, everyone was talking about, "Oh, it takes 10 years to get good, 10 years to get good." I'm finally in my 10th year, and now there's another two. It's like, "Oh, I feel like my whole life." Everyone's like, "When you get here, you're going to be. everything's gravy after that." And then just as soon as you get there, they move the goalposts and I know I'm really working. I'm not moving on yet. -No, I know you're not. -That's always been my philosophy, because I remember doing comedy 15 years and thinking, "I'm Joey Bananas." And sitting in the main room and watching par with triggers, destroy it like on a Tuesday night. I don't know if we get, like, just sitting there and Michy sure looked over him and she goes, "That's 20 years." And I'm like, "God damn it." -Yes. -Fuck. Dude, the five in a comedian's world, five in anybody's world. It's a lot. What do you think people just don't join the army? Because you had me when I was 18. I got to do this. -18 fucking years. These kids today grow up on 10-second videos, 30-second videos. They can barely do something, two fucking weeks. People are saying that schools are roaming this down because parents are looking at their kids going, "You're a stupid motherfucker. You've been sitting all day playing video games and scrolling." And then the fucking thing, nothing is going to stick in your fucking mind anymore. No, it doesn't. So people don't want to put work in. And this goes back to framing. This goes back to politicking. This goes back to anything. You know what? You have goals in your head, but guess what? And this is what I taught people. George, when we were kids, Penn's all had a fucking motto. And it was money. And it's this easy. You're really going to pay me now? Or you're going to pay me later? So I'll tell you what, I know you want to be a YouTube guy. You're doing comedy three years. You put a video out. You get three million views. You did something. And now clubs are calling you to have one. You ain't no fucking have one. But you don't know no better. Because I would have done the same thing. You know, and you're going to go out there. And it's going to work for about six months. And then you're going to fall on your fucking face. And then you either going to become a fucking radio shark attendant. Can't do that anymore. Or you're going to sit there and realize how you're going to come back now. And what's going to be different? You know, you didn't put the work in and they awarded you a trophy. Guess what? Now you got to put the fucking work in. But Joey, I can't see myself featuring now bitch. How bad do you want to do this? Prove yourself as a feature and you can become my headliner again. Yeah. And that's just great about comedy that you could or you're going to get setbacks. But looks right now I have a setback. I can't be lumping around with this leg. But you know I'm up early trying to write shit every fucking day. And I'm journaling and I'm doing all that. Because I got to keep something fresh. Yeah, I'm saying you got to keep something fresh. So this is a constant thing. You know, next looking to take over the fucking world politics. He's got a plan. But guess what? And a year somebody's going to come don't go listen. There's a fucking soup kitchen. That's run by a lot of people and a lot of money and a lot of influence. They want you to go run it for six months. You run that. You could be the mayor of any fucking town. Yeah. And like, I was just asking that happens. People like that happen. This shit happens. And you know what? You get mad at first when it's giving you more time to prepare for your fucking job and to do it correctly. What do you think about taking gigs that like you're going to lose money at that point early on? Lee, I've featured for 500 a week and 500 a week is nothing. That's still what they give you. But no, now they give you 500 with no. Yeah, it's usually the headliner giving you a hotel. So this is when you look at what you're doing and what your life is. I don't want you to take a losing week. I want you to take a break even a week. That's a big difference. A losing week and a break even week is a big difference. Now, let's get down to the what, why are you going there? Is it for the set? Is it for the club owner to see you? There's variables. Nobody's going to see you. And I got to fly all the way to Colmar, Washington to get 400 bucks. And I get the same 400 bucks from Syracuse. I'm going to go to Syracuse. Right. But the reason why I'm asking is at this point right now, you should not be losing a dollar. You should be coming home to say, hey, I made $55. Yeah. That's a plain ticket to meals, the hotel compared to what they're paying. Right. No, absolutely. And I, but the reason why I'm asking is I feel like I learned so much during future weekends. And I always try to watch the headliner. You do. But like now it's, I want a feature for every night. I don't want to, I don't want to go broke. But if I'm at least breaking even or losing a couple hundred bucks, if I can spend a weekend, one week and watching you, one week and watching Josh, one week and watching Craig Robbins. I don't know anybody. And just like, if you, I think I feel like a feature. About one weekend watching Josh. Yeah. Exactly. And then the other weekend watching somebody else, maybe not in two weeks, making you planting your own fucking flag. That I, that's what I have been thinking about a lot the last couple is I have to start doing longer sets more often. Not a club's a month asking that not, but I need to. Because that going from 10 or 12 minutes to 55 is a huge jump that I am no one you're ready for. At the 10 year mark, I was getting six Monday for Miami. But Wednesday through Sunday, I was getting 15,000 cents a store. And it was probably getting a buck in the quarter from the Journal. And I remember going to I left LA twice with no schedule. Like I had three months and I had three weekends of shows. And I would just get on the bus and leave and meet comments. Get to that, get to that location, work the weekend, talk to people, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And also, like, call this guy. He's always got a four lot. You call him. Hey, I got referred to you by George. Listen, I don't know you. So I could only give you an MC week. Bring it. I'm out here. Yeah. And now I'm out here already. It might be a guest spot. So no, no, you're getting something. You're picking up cash. You don't have time to get spots. This is what I'm trying to do. At this time in my life, I was a regular at the store. It was 2000. That's a big deal. It was 99. It was before I met Terry. Okay. Yeah, it was 99. First off, when my apartment got towed, I did that. That's the first time I did it. I started the six weeks of Miami. And I think, I'm seeded three times. And I featured three times. It was 300 times. See, I didn't give a fuck. I was doing eight spots a week. Yeah, that's great. And a hotel room. I was stealing food. I mean, God bless the soul. Jeff Garcia told the story that fucking, he was, we and him were working down by the day weekend. And Jeff would go over to eat fucking eggs in the morning. And one morning, I came in and they're like, he's like, what are you eating eggs? And I'm going, no, shrimp, shish kebabs. And I had taken all of them out of the drawer dog at 10 o'clock before the regular kitchen staff got in there. What drawer? Like the kitchen just got raw shrimp and cooked shrimp? They have like a drawer that you can pull. And they would have shish kebabs, shrimp, shish kebabs lay it on top like 10 with a sheet of wax paper. And the guy would come in the morning and prep them. And then the chef would come and later, I would edit what is chef game. And I would cook all those shrimp kebabs. You understand me? Just like, why am I eating eggs? That's right. Why are you eating eggs? I used to smoke lucky strikes because in those days, the club promotional girls would come around and the popular cigarettes were not lucky strike no more. So, They would give you lucky strikes. You know, I could smoke camel lights and pay six bucks a pack. Or I could eat fucked and I could smoke lucky strikes and taste like shit, but they're free, you know what I'm saying? - That's a hard one to turn down. - So I would go to Miami, even though I was getting 300, I was in pain for a meal. You know, I was going to the movies for free because of you, the comedian, you got to go to the movies for free and the same wall. - Wow, but you'd fucking, you'd bust from LA to Miami? - I flew that time. I said the club sent me a plane ticket. That's when I had that credit card. Let me ask you, I had the club's card. The numbers written down and I would call the manager and go, hey, you got hope, yeah, come on down. I got like three weeks for you, all right. And then I would get the call the airline and fly down and the card from the club, though. Joe Chadwick was his name, too. He gave me the credit card and he used one time. I used the free card. - And he kept it for 1.5 years, but they never called it. - Oh, my God, dude. All of the comics we're listening are like hosts and features right now. We're lucky, some clubs would be like, if you're a feature, maybe you'll get a hotel room, maybe mostly, you know, hosts, they'll get, you're lucky to get like 25 bucks in cash added to your check, which gets taxed. Like it's, oh yeah, oh yeah, it's, to fly it to, but this one was to ask you, who do you have done as much as you did without the comedy store credit? - Who do what? - Without, like, did the comedy, like, when you were in Miami or wherever, and you had no sponsor, but you could say him, pass to the comedy store, I think that would get you, at least now, when I think it at least gave you some sponsor. - When I got to LA, it opened up the door a little bit. People would be more, they'd hear me out. - Right. - Hey, man. Joe, I try you doing, I got your number from Nick. Listen, Joey Diaz, I'm a feature act. I'm a regular at the store. I want to know if I can come in and feature one week. Well, send me a tape, go fuck yourself. Like, bye. - That's something, you know, tape bitch. - I'm a LA. - Right. - I'll tell you what I'm saying. You know, a roster, a comedy store. You know, I'm working with you. Your guys are doing down there and we'll take you from there. But if you didn't understand that conversation, I wouldn't even fucking wanna talk to you. - Right. - I don't have any sense. - I remember when I went on the road in '99, I really had baseball. - Yeah, you had a lot of, like-- - I had baseball already. And it wasn't a big deal, but it was. I didn't know it. - Right. I'm not saying you didn't work hard at all 'cause you worked hard to get the movie, and you worked hard to get past the store. But it's, you need something like that. Like, it's really tough. - I told you six months ago to get a commercial. - Oh yeah. And I've sent a couple of emails, but not enough. Emails, you got to take a picture, put them below, put a resume, put a cover letter. You've been doing comedy for 10 years. You took a commercial, whatever. Just give a name. Just give a name. - I have a class. - You go on the L.A. thing and give the name the most popular one. - All right. (laughing) - I have one diploma. I think somewhere, I have a certificate. - Yeah. - That he prints in our staples. - Yeah, you just, you know. And that's, I've always told me. That comedy is one thing. Now you won't respect. If I'm sitting here watching the national championship game and I see a commercial, will you get a shot of a cannon? (laughing) - Hey, that's Lee. That's that. - Yeah. - Where's my fucking phone? - That's Lee, holy shit. All right, now when I see you, I'm not gonna tell you I spoke to him. - Right. - I'm not gonna say, "Hey, look who I saw. "I'm still gonna treat you like a dick." And the back of my mind, this kid could do something. I do have to treat him a little different because I don't want him barking back at me and that is. - Yeah, they definitely do that. - You follow me? - So that's why people don't understand. Now, did I know about this shit? - No. - I didn't know about this. Nobody told me this. I found out. Yeah, I found out. How much it helped. I fucking found out. And it was just amazing how much it helped. And then mad TV helped because you're a comic. And that helps. So when people see that type of shit, they're not gonna say, "Hey, we really like you in the longest yard." They're gonna say shit to you. They're just gonna know, "Hey, fucking with this motherfucker." I'm gonna take him a little bit seriously and see where this goes. Real quick, let me talk to these people about Bluetooth listening. You want to get the year off started with a big dick. And I want to talk to him about fucking draft kings. It will be back in five minutes. Tip.com.goo. What's up, beautiful people? 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Hey, Uncle Joey here for starters, this podcast is brought to you by Draft King Sportsbook. The number one sportsbook for live betting. Listen, there's only one U.S. State 324. And it's this Saturday. Once it's over, you're shot to get on the action is finit, done, gone. You blew another weekend again. Not this time because Draft King Sportsbook is built for live betting, not just pre-fight pics. In the U.S.C, one moment can flip the entire fight. One punch, one kick, one take down. The outcome is completely different. New to Draft Kings, do yourself a favor. New customers can bet five bucks and get three hundred in dollars and bonus bets like that. If you bet wins, hear me again, $300 in bonus bets. If you bet wins with code Joey, J-O-E-Y. So do yourself a favor and do it for me too. Do it for yourself. You're not sitting there, like a fucking struts on the weekend. Download the Draft King Sportsbook app. Press in code Joey, J-O-E-Y. That code Joey is going to turn five bucks into 300 in bonus bets if you're bet wins, okay? Now, this is important to ship with Draft Kings. You know me, they're my partners in crime. And I love Draft Kings. Why? Because the crown is yours. Gambling problem called 1-800-GAMBLER. New York called 877-8-HOPEN-WIRE. Text hope and why. Connecticut called 888-7897777. Or visit ccpg.org. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino and Kansas, Wagertax Pass through may apply in Illinois. 21 and over in most states. Void and Ontario. Restrictions apply. Bet must win to receive bonus bets which expire in seven days. Minimum odds required. For additional terms and responsible gaming resources, cdkng.co/audio. Limited time offer. - We're back, Jack. Anyway. - But we talking about Lee. - Talking a lot about comedy. But I was in the break, I wanted to, unless you have something you wanna talk about with comedy. - No, I got not gonna hit me. - I was, I just love your setup down here. Like you have such, like, I feel like this is like, it is a man cave, but it's like almost like you build it specifically so you don't have to go, like I love, I've never seen a microwave in a base. Like I love, I love it so much. 'Cause I love that it's like the stoner and you, you probably have popcorn somewhere down here or like you have something, you put something in the fridge. Yeah, the box of chips, no, the box of chips, no, but the microwave is where it's at. Because especially walking upstairs, you have to walk up two sets of your stairs to your kitchen. So you probably, - I'd have a golf machine down here. - Oh, what happened to the coffee machine? - With the sugar we broke. - Oh, they have a golf machine down there. - Yeah, you need to get the coffee. What, you need like one, you need like something else. Not a robot, but like, I just, how often do you use them microwave? - We pay you if we make popcorn. - Oh, okay, I thought, see, me as the chubby dude, I thought you were getting high and like, leaving like a thing in lasagna in the fridge. (laughing) - First of all, I believe in that. The side popcorn, I really don't try to eat. - I don't want my stand here. - I got the cat. - Why would there be a mouse? - So I don't, sometimes she'll go, let's bring food in there and let's go upstairs. - Dude, when I-- - My fucking, listen man. What were you gonna say? - Well, because what I was gonna say is that at my fattest, like right before we left L.A., for like six months in my bedroom, I had a mini fridge. I had a small one bedroom. It was like 16 steps to the fridge. (laughing) And I still love it. I still love the idea of a mini fridge in the bedroom. But it is fat. It was, I had it at the end. - What did you put? - No food. - Hoss will be put. - No, no. - In my mind, I was being healthy. - There was no water in the health drinks. - No, no, no. His water and diecook and the water never got refilled. - No. (laughing) - The same pack was in the whole time. - And I know there was a snack, ice cream cups. - No, no, see in this. I didn't get freezer. - You got a lot of cups that were frozen, and some shame. - I didn't get one with a freezer. That one. been bad but I'm sure I put a peanut I got put in cup or something at some one in there you know man since I've lived here I've had a rough time adjustin you know you have the jam you do this you go to the pool the city pool you go to games you know one day like this is boring this is great you know I'm part of a community but god damn all these motherfuckers are going home at 7.30 and fucking they're wise with a sheet in the hole in it that's it that I can't I can't I can't live like that so I had a little beef of my wife Christmas two years ago when I fucking you know tempest when things were said I'd fucking start it going on you know I didn't fucking like it here sometimes 94 I didn't like where I was living either 95 I was on every night in a TV and I started doing that I started going to bars now you know fucking crazy people you know what man I'm not a bar guy I've never been a bar guy I'm not gonna start now there's no fucking way I can go to eat at a bar once a week but to sit there and listen to drunk people I'd rather fucking be shot I'd rather be shot yeah I was gonna say don't say I've never come on strike to be a bar person so I was fucking lost you know at about eight months ago you know I remember when I was a kid I used to go to people's houses and I go why do you go out and make me like well because you know who wants to stay in my home and Georgia tell you we were 23 I used to yell at every night you got a grandmother got a mother you know refrigerator and you got a TV where you going where the fuck are you going I was really adamant about it and I would look at people who didn't have families and they go why are you out I don't have a fucking family but if I did I'd be at home watching TV with them it's fucking Tuesday night so I started thinking about those words I used to always tell people when I first met Rogan I used to ask him the same question why do you leave your fucking house you have a fucking fish like with a piranha in there why do you leave your fucking house that's pretty cool what is there to do that's cooler than a fucking me just throw a mice fucking thing and seeing fucking get a piranha and throwing legs in there is shit and monkey's head he was getting fucking heads from some other country I don't fucking know you got a full TV the size of this war you got a refrigerator that's empty which means we can order from whatever you follow me I mean I would ask him why you out your uncle Mike when we were kids you had a basement real to real a box of condoms a refrigerator to fill the beer away and I started thinking about my words and I'm like Joey it's time for me to fucking fuck up you know like I'm fucking up so I started trying to fall in love with this house and it's perfect for me I got the bathroom down here I could take a shower in the morning I got the garage I got the fucking basement I got the cable I could fuck I could do whatever the fuck I want that's what that's what it is to fucking be old I guess I don't know this is the last thing I wanted for me the last thing I want is to be on this chair at seven o'clock when Jeppe Lee comes on all of the six I'm already putting sneakers on even with the bad knee I'm getting the fucking cars in a driveway and put it out I do not want to sit in this motherfucker at least nine o'clock but what are my options you want me to get in the car and go for ride and sit at some bar I don't want to be at or end up at fucking a strip club and I really don't want to be at I feel like a relic in those places so do the best thing you know I was hoping to have this fixed like you got to give me the app to put the guy come over and have pictures of we're gonna fix this again we're gonna get new couches I guess you want to get it it's gonna be sound when you get rid of that that's perfect for you make everything I got books next door thank God for Bob Lengus I got two computers like a lap one real one in the back where do you want me to go now where where do you want me to go to restaurant hey how you doing they go about yeah give him give me a drink fuck you fuck you that's never been me walking a restaurant somehow I'm fucking what's those restaurants in mid Jersey with the chubby chicks and belly dancers and I'm supposed to be having a great time oh yeah they have more of them but they try to be New York clubs and they're in there and they're dancing and a bunch of guys are giant shirts to them what are you doing what are you doing they got these weird fucking bars in New Jersey and anytime I want to see Nick or George we got to go to eat that's not fun that's not social wide we got to go out to fucking eat and I was like how many you know every week you got oh my god I went to this restaurant love her he said listen take that restaurant and show it up your mother's ass I got a backlog of two thousand fucking restaurants and you want to film me with some other shitty fucking restaurant because they gave you a towel in the beginning yeah I'm gonna fuck that's a nice towel though no but it's it's the truth it's like we don't have enough time if you think I want to go out three nights a week and drink wine and make believe I'm so oh my god I saw clicky blounders but it's not show it's not me I don't even hear in those fucking places when I go to those places I want to TV to be honest but I have to talk because I can't hear right you want to watch a game or something you know I make believe I'm watching the game I'm sitting there thinking about he has to fuck it mugging somebody when I was 12 just looking straight ahead so nobody will talk to me you know if there was a place like a club or whatever that you that was like 10 to 15 minutes from here would you go out three or four nights a week yeah yeah absolutely but again it's a club that's down here how many people want to see me four or five nights a week they don't so there's a couple locations around here but it's a long drive for you like a Wednesday once a month I put a call to the guy last week so we talked a little bit he's got a show running in there now but he goes I'm gonna try to get rid of him and put down here so yeah I would do things like that but again I mean doing a show now is not what it used to be I can care less about 3,000 people I like to do a show with 80 people on a bunch of comics and we could sit afterwards smoke pot and talk about our set that's where I make the nerdy nerdy shit that's what comedy is about you have to do the nerdy work before you start doing theaters and all that shit how to comment that set work what words do you use you know break somebody else was set down and see what attracted you to that person as a comedy fucking whatever you know I don't know that's great and I think that's what like if you I don't know if you chose like we've talked about you doing not like an open mic but like a book like booking that like if you had some comics that you saw at the at the dojo or wherever and you wanted to bring people I think that'd be great I was what did you ever watch the bear and there's something that was part of it but it doesn't matter any kitchen they have something apparently that's called like a stosh like you go and you intern the kitchen for a week and like they learned a shit ton and like every week it probably wouldn't be the same comics but like if a comic could spend two shows with you or like even just a show and like prepare the day before have a writing session the day before and another writing session the day after like I that would be great because like at every stage of my career I've like just been so lost and I learned a little bit but like even I'm completely lost and I would love to have like guy like if I told you some you're not gonna believe this you're supposed to be lost that sucks I didn't give you a job when you're up on stage it's you and a microphone that's it that's the thing about it's like being born your mom your mom pushes you out of a little stinky pussy and there you are without the mbcboard on the other side of the room getting your dick washed when you come out that's it that's it this is what it is I could teach you we we just spoke about that I could give you a book a book in my opinion of step by step it's never gonna work like that for you it's never gonna work like that oh yeah I know that yeah and I'm not saying no you know I told you I'm saying that in 20 years 30 years you're gonna write a play by playbook and you're gonna try to give it to somebody. It's gonna help me 40%. 40%. You learn from fucking getting on stage, whether it's a pizza parlor, you know, because I love, I love that I was doing comedy eight years and I had a couple good shows one week and now you're walking a little like, you know, HBO should be called on anything and it's shit. And you walk into like a pizza place. You would usually kill it. And every other comic does great. But you eat a bag of dick, you know. I hate when that happens. And it happens and that's how you learn. You're not gonna learn from me. There's no money. There's nothing I can teach you. That's gonna teach you a detour. There's nothing I can teach you that's gonna, there's no fucking comedy book that I could put out. That's gonna make you overcome Lee Swat first. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's funny. That's not even the worst one now. I'm not even goofing on it. No, I know you're not. I know, I know. You never thought in that whole book, when you go home that night, you're gonna go fuck at least what? Where the fuck did you write that? I would write a chat if I like I'm nowhere near writing a book but if I was gonna write one, I would write a thing and how do we act? I've been brought up a Zach. I've dude, it's like that. Yeah, it's just Zach, you know. There's no last name it was, it was like dude, but that's, I would have that to my thing. And if that's the one thing that people learned from me, then maybe they'd be ready for it. 'Cause no one, no one ever told me that I would be brought up as Lee Swat with the lights on, with the girl I was talking to in the front row with my mom and the crowd. Don't do this. This is why comedy is so fucking unique, okay? This is why comedy is so fucking unique. Framing, these are things that you don't learn by reading or there's a master book. You have to tell 'em, George. That's why Joey, I cut this fucking thing to win she's too fucking long. And guess what? When it cost you a day of labor, 100 out of your pocket? You learn, you learn, you learn. That's, I can't pay you for that. That book I wrote, I told you follow these steps. You're gonna go home and go where the fuck did you go from mispronouncing your name, or, or, Ailey, what do you do with that, baby? Nothing, I run a show, it starts at 10.30. I could probably put you up like fifth, I'll give you 15 minutes. Really? Yeah. You, you, you, you, you, or your mom. Aisha, fucking, George, Nick. I still ain't just treading the waters by yourself down that right side. And that's what we've all done today. People always ask me, when I have a show, let me invite 'em to this bar. And now here they are, they're dressed in their Friday best. Lee's gonna go down there. He's gonna go up at 9.30, and they're already planned. They're gonna go to get pasta with the cheese and, you know, that sounds good. And they already made so many plans. And you get there and all of a sudden, fucking, Tim Dylan shows up. He does an hour, it goes your restaurant reservation. Now, you're more concerned about that than the set, because you're worried about the six idiots that you should never invite it. You should have kept your fucking mouth shut. Let me come with you. 'Cause that's gonna happen. There's not, and my 10th chapter page of the book, it's not gonna describe the feeling you have. And now, by the time it's time for you to go up there, you're gonna eat a bag of dick. Mm-hmm, how about you go to the comedy store and the Sunday you get past? They don't even have to call your agent. Mitty passes you. And Monday, you tell all your friends, I got past it, the store is shit. I got a spot tonight at 10.45, like a motherfucker. And all these idiots, your neighbors, the girls, you're trying to fuck, and you get down there. And he griffens, already on two hours. And he's looking like he's gonna get off. You brought 11 people, you brought people from your building. People that gotta get up, now you're off sit, Miley. You can't buy, you can't buy them all a drink, 'cause old bankroll, yeah. And let me at least buy you, if you gotta hide from them. Come in every 30 minutes, you know? You can't even do that, you can't even go, it's all like you can stay to the club and like, yeah, I'm going up in the tube. - And then when there's two people left, on a quarter to two, I look up and go, "Lee, you ready to come up here?" And you're like, "No, really?" (laughing) Yeah, that happened to me. I got past on the store. The whole building came, I opened my fucking mouth. Everybody, "Oh, we'll come, 10.45, we'll be there." I had 30 people in there. I think Griffin was a two-fucker, he ended up doing four hours. And finally called my name in a quarter to two. I was basically drowning in my tears. Your first spot on at the store, and this is how there's not a book to describe that. - No. - And there's not a book to describe that feeling until it happens to you. - It's a hat, oh my god, that. - Can you imagine it? - You remember something for four hours? - We just sat there, in the water. And I had to sit in the room, 'cause I didn't want to be ready. - Yeah. - They all left. They walked around the hallways, and walked the people. I had to sit there like a fucking ugly chick on a problem. I was sitting there, needed to give them the light at all. No, you can't give any grip in the light. He's a fuck on TV show. - Jesus. - He was on a TV show at the time. - There's no light, there's four hours. - He was bitty, sure. But if you go to the lab factory, that's your pal's doing for us. At least you feel better, because one of the girls that comes in, and we go, at least you get to see your pal. Shut the fuck up bitch. You came here to see me, fuck your pal. And now you hate your pal for the rest of your life. - Oh, I'm sure. - You'll hate him, because he bumped you for four hours. So now people go, I just see your pal's special, fuck that motherfucker. - You know why, don't you like him now? I got personal reasons. - What? - No, 'cause you don't even understand, I'm maybe not, I'm no work, close to getting past at the store. And just the idea of someone running the light five, three hours and 45. At what point did he just give up and just like sit in your head? - All those dudes just to run the light. Andrew, you got the fucking prick. He used to run four, five hour lights, man. And people be there. I remember the one dude had a show in a Sunday at night, and he got all these comics to do 15 minutes of peace. He didn't put the first comic on until 1115. - And he made it all those comics bring people? - No, no, he sold out to show himself, but he told these young comics, come on down. Let me give you 15 in front of my audience. You fucking put them up to 1115. - Jesus. - And that. - And that. - That book doesn't prepare you for that. And that's why I tell people, do your time, it's very important to your respectful comic. No matter how big you get, no matter how big you get. You gotta be respectful comic and respectful other comics. I never ran a lot at the store. I never got a warning. In fact, I get mad to get out of there early. Those people that the light comes on, they torture the light like three minutes. Let me tell you one more thing. Mother fuck that. Get the fuck off that stage, bitch. - Yeah. - That's the problem we have. We don't have people that go, yo, get the fuck off the stage. - I've never run into that. There's nice people. - Yeah, people don't be nice. - People run the light and it gets around, but it's like two minutes, five minutes. That's probably the most. - I have a friend, a dear friend that loves running the light. I won't use them. I love him and I know he needs the money, but because he runs the light constantly. And I've told him, he, okay, since you don't care, that no money coming from Papa. I can put him on, I want my shelf. I love him that much, but he won't start running with fucking light. Done. That's the most disrespectful thing you could do. Yeah. You know, I came up in Seattle where they had a five minute light and by six minutes, you had to be off the fucking stage. If that light turned to seven, you got a month's suspension. Good. And if you were in the contest, you got to qualify. - They're even more strange. Like now contests are like, if you go over by like five seconds. - Yeah, you got it. - It's like, no, it's six-puck a minute. - Yeah, they want. - Wrap it up in 530, bitch. Give him a hard, you know, open up with a minute. A second minute, you go into your fucking monster bit and I'd rather you leave on that than tread the light and let them laugh. Let them, in front of a contest, the judges all gonna remember is that last fucking thing anyway. But we'll talk about that some other time. I'm not a contest comment. We play for real. We ain't playing for no contest. - It's for the five partial judges. Two of the judges know the comment from the comedy club. - All of them. - Yeah, so I'm not doing that. I don't play that shit. But anyway, where you at this week, Kuck's up. - The TV Illinois, the comedy vault, the TV at Josh Wolf, January 22nd, the 24th. - Oh, here. - Yeah, it is. I'm not, I'm just cry. Oh, it's sometimes the ice, slippery and the plane goes right into the back gate, right. You know, that doesn't come all the time. Thank you very much. You should, you should call me tomorrow, man. Are you connecting flights? No. Thank God. So you got this car going then driving out. Yeah. Oh, all right. 5 shows, three of them already sold out. It's going to be a lot of fun. Really excited. You eat mushrooms this Friday. Yes. She the bags of mushroom. Yes, he said it to me. Yeah, he said that was the craziest picture ever seen. We don't eat mushrooms on a Friday. Fire him, send him home. He goes, why? I go because he's part of the family. He's got to eat mushrooms and more than last semester, that semester, I was last semester when you're doing a great. I need honey. Fuck no. This time you're eating three and they know honey, right? The beast was always to and yes, honey was nice. No more fucking honey. Me, I'm going to be at the Dojo Thursday night. If my knee allows, if not, I'll go down there with a wheelchair and fucking, I can't keep going up and down. So I'm only doing one set of Ruski at the end of something. And then we got sat down the week after the 31st at the St. George Theatre tickets are still available. Go to the St. George website, not the other fucking website that me up, show you the tickets to $800 because you're on fucking fuck me in the ass ticket sales instead of just going to the St. George Theatre. Where's the show? The St. George Theatre. Why would you go by a link anything fucking else? I'm taking a master. Take a master. Whatever the fuck it is. It's at the St. George Theatre. But if you go to the ticket master, those are going to be the legit tickets. Right away, you want to go to another page in it. What told you? And they're very confusing. Nobody told you to go that. What's the performing St. George Theatre? All right, let me type in the St. George Theatre. Let's see what's going on over that. You know, I'm saying with people. And he said, how you going through the internet? Good to see you. Good to see you, buddy. Ready for a nice, she's very good. Nice ball of pasta which always let's do this shit. I love you guys. Sorry about the voodoo lounge. Hopefully I have better news for you next week. We won't have to cut this mother fuck around Friday or something. And that's it. I love you, cocksuckers. Thank you for watching. Stay black. Say good night, Lee. Good night, Lee.